Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 3.38 Amsterdam 4

Episode Date: November 7, 2019

The annual Amsterdam podcast, it's in two halves, first half after having a spliff, second half after having an edible. Suitably high throughout, probably a one for the OG's

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thugging, living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Ah, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

Right, what's your fucking problem? Is this salt to see in the river? How? On Instagram. I didn't. Well, I went on to have a look, I went on Instagram to have a look at where you caught us.

Tell them what I did. Alright, so basically I was in here setting up the edibles to be eaten, getting just ready. You were off to get the computer to get the podcast equipment. While filming an Instagram video I

heard a knock at a door three doors down from outside and I was like I guarantee that is Kai fucking Humphrey stoned out of his brain and can't remember the

door number I told him less than 30 seconds ago and sure enough confidently knocking on the wrong door and then sure enough two seconds later

on your door you gotta read wrong door what's it aye two seconds later two seconds later on your gallery wrong door what's it aye how do you know you recorded that on camera

it happened live as if you were just like recording something a bit of lightning strikes aye so people won't believe us

so it's there and I thought I'm going to have a look at how much of a dummy I look like in this video and I didn't see

that video it doesn't look like it's uploaded yet but I did see this other video and I didn't see that video it doesn't look like it's uploaded yet but I did see this other video this is probably rude this is what you've just done it's for him

because I'm telling you hold on I'm going to find it right because I'm just saying this is on my Instagram story it's your Instagram story

this is our day off in Amsterdam by the way that's why we're being silly and I was just having a lovely conversation about wool I've been an absolute sweetheart.

Because we've gone back into our night in competition. So we were picking up our wool to let each other Christmas jump in. Someone was talking me through my project. Helped me. And I was a bit unconfident about one of the bitches' suggestion. One of the bitches? One of the bits. You're a bit struggling with what the bitch was suggesting.

Fucking hell, man. Fake news. Fake news. It Fucking hell, man. Fake news. Fake news. It's recorded, Ace. I know. It's what you said. I stood there. Anyway, so this fat cunt was telling me,

sorry, sorry, I started. I was smoking. We had started. Anyway, this rancid cow. She's so funny. Sorry, man. You know what I said? You're a spin doctor

oh no you're a smear campaign it's there to be heard yeah I said the bit that she was suggesting oh well the bitch was suggesting that anyway

tell me what was the bitch suggesting I can't continue the story well the bitch no right

I can't continue with the story that's all I'm telling her from this point she was a lovely lady she was I don't know she the story if that's what I'm calling off at this point. She was a lovely lady. She was? I don't know why you She was suggesting a bit.

Right. A bit that she suggested. And I was unconfident with going out and doing it. So I started telling her why I was unconfident about it. And I just sounded like an absolute sweetheart.

It turns out that's the bit of the, because I was just filming an Instagram video. And you just dropped this. Very confident in that way. the... Because I was just filming an Instagram video. I need to see who's dropped this. Very confident in that way, yeah. Because I don't know why, but I felt unconfident if I make a front and make a back and they don't match up.

Feel unconfident? Your confidence has been knocked by a suggestion. He's scared of knitting. Are you kidding? He can't do it. Sometimes when I'm knitting... Come on, Kai, pick yourself up. Sometimes when I'm knitting... Come on, Kai, pick yourself up. Sometimes when I'm knitting,

I accidentally do it really fast because my hands are shaking so much. I'm just insecure. Don't want to build it. That's funny. You need to just fucking put it bang straight on the end. Kai, get under that bus.

Hey, big soft shite I knocked out Russians put my elbow to a Russian in the face in Slovenia and all that have you seen you complaining about your confidence

about knitting I know a woman in a shop just think it shows a gentler side of you as opposed to the normal side of the podcast which is world's best aspect

well I just turned the knitting woman into a therapist I'm not confident with my knitting and I think that comes from my relationship with my father

so when I was a young boy I'd walk to school my father he'd maybe do it alone he'd send my brother off later so I couldn't walk with my big brother

it was really fighting for myself and the world from a young age anyway I just want to get that in my knitting does that make sense have you got any black wool?

Because I feel like the black sheep of the family. Anyway. So this is the sober part of the pod. It is, actually. So what the plan is, we're in Amsterdam. I was stoned the other day because I'm always high. Because I am hashtag cool.

And I was watching a documentary on weed and edibles because I just find it interesting. And they name checked a place in Amsterdam that I was like, fuck it up, into Amsterdam. And we're going to name check it now. What are they called?

It's called Space Tribe, but it's not called that. If you Google Space Tribe, it comes up. It's some Dutch name like Jugem Lugen or something. I don't know. Yeah, Google that. It sounds like the fucking Swedish chef choking on something.

It's one of those words. Floor begarden. Letters aren't good enough, so I've got to have dots above them. They just make up. I'm going to make that A and the E together and make it one letter. Whatevs. Track on. You ever see a Dutch person doing a crossword and you go

you're just making it up it's like it's a doku innit you're just saying any word any letter that fits in there who's going to correct you yeah so we've got this

space try ones and they basically they're like luxury edibles gourmet gourmet well not gourmet

I guess gourmet it's like fine dining it's like fine dining edibles so we've got red velvet edible brownie we've got a chocolate edible brownie

I don't know why I'm putting the word edible in there I was going to snort it I was going to roll up my newspaper I was going to

just take a spoon to it and then heat the bottom of the spoon just direct it to my veins and then we've got

a fucking lemon thing lemon pie fucking turn that ringtone off Jesus Christ that ringtone

alright that was I don't read the text that was a preview being added to my diary apparently I haven't had a preview of one of my new shows

alright we'll plug it at the end you know the rules fucking Jesus Christ fucking rules I'm fucking explaining brownies to these cunts aye

you didn't mean that you didn't really think of cunts no what's a very very very deep end introduction

to any new listeners from HBO this is the first episode that's gone out since so any new listeners from HBO this is the first episode that's gone out since so any new listeners this is the tip oh no fuck them if you've just discovered me from HBO

fuck off you've got so much more research to do go into everything else I can't watch Muff don't do that that's a horrible I know you said fuck him double down no I've done

I did a MUFF anyway our plan for today is to split this podcast into two bits we'll do this

podcast now we'll play some hypotheticals we'll maybe even do your dad jokes in case you can't read later yep we'll do

your dad jokes and then we're going to take an edible each and then we're going to go to a micro zoo where we can see Kai's dick

in the wild and it's natural death free. No. Sorry, I'm seven years old. I don't know. It's a micro, like, I don't know. I think it's just a zoo where everything's small. Will they need to bring the contact lenses? No, no, I think it's just a zoo where everything's small will they need to bring the contact lenses no no I think they provide

the microscopes it's not just they're not just putting a bacteria like a spillage tip of my finger look at that and the squirt

my eyes look at the finger and they just show it to your finger it's just them picking their nose and scratching their arse being like

there's loads of germs on that now I'll take your word for it I think this zoo this fucking this museum's a con I can't believe they're getting away with it

and after that we're going to the museum of invisible relics and then the museum of gods and the church it's going to be a fun day

and then we'll come back oh we're also going to go to a museum of neon lights because that sounds brilliant there's going to go to a museum of neon lights because that sounds brilliant there's going to be loads of bar signs in there either that

or I've I've misunderstood where the red light district is I've gone for the wrong reasons it's just a gadget shop I'm just the only reason I go to the red light district

is just because I really enjoy the neon lights there they're all so good they're just I like the blue ones you had some of you want to

oh yes I did I stopped in the middle of a conversation and written this down writ written

wrote written it down you wrote it down sure whichever participle you're talking in oh no writ's not

well that's just delete history no I don't think you understand what a podcast is look I wrote I wrote

it's literally recording what we're doing yeah I know but I'm coming to them too they're not going to listen back I'm just going to take my word for it

that's true I don't think anyone listens to these episodes twice there's no way you go through one of these and you go

you know what I think I missed an important tip have you ever listened to any these and you go you know what I think I missed an important have you ever listened to any of them back because I haven't I think I listened to the

the reunion one after you'd proposed to what's her chops yeah what was her name again I'd have to listen back to the podcast

fuck oh that's a good idea I listened back to that not too long because that was another two that was another two part of that was

we did half of a podcast and then went and got absolutely fucking lured and then came back and I just remember being so drunk in the second half

that whether we were funny or not we got taken off of the thread there what was it you want to bring something up yes

I wrote it down on my phone I did Roy on his phone with a sharpie has no idea what a phone is just goes through

them like fucking moleskin notepads I like that right yeah nice little wee bit that you just did there oh well don't

deconstruct it don't fucking don't shine a light on it don't be a dick fucking you can't put it on a bed there's no people because now people are going to be like well it wasn't that good and I fucking you can't put it on a bed there's no people

because now people are going to be like well it wasn't that good and I'm like I never said it was that good and so it was like he deletes all of his photos

not like he doesn't have an archive of photos it's like you just you tick it you'll send it or whatever

you'll post it on Instagram and you just whatever I deleted no no what happened is eventually my phone on Instagram and you just fucking, whatever, delete it. No, no, what happened is, eventually my phone will be like, you... Oh, you only don't delete them because you're lazy, but when they're gone, they're gone. You get a new phone, you just update it. No, I don't update it. The photos that you took just don't exist anymore.

Just don't exist. I didn't save them to the cloud, I didn't back them up. Also, whenever my phone goes, you've run out of space, I just go, cool, I'll just delete all of my photos then, all my videos. Who gives a shit? You are a psychopath. How? Because you've deleted out of space and just go cool I'll just delete all of my photos then and all my videos who gives a shit you are a psychopath how

because you've deleted all your photos but other people have them aye so I'll fucking why do you think other people have them because they want them aye

so if I wanted to see what I looked like when I was 21 I'll fucking I'll ask you here's the thing I do have those I do have photo albums I fucking

I do enjoy getting disposable cameras and getting those you know I like the fucking old school thing it's like you took a photo you get an actual photo and nobody was

nobody was kind of being like take it again I fucking blagged you I know you but that's the fun part that's what Natalie does she goes through all of my

all of her photos that she's taken on her phone selects the one she likes that she'd want to immortalise gets them printed and fucking puts them up places and that

nah other people take photos of me, man. Like, if I want, like, my life is very well documented. It's not like I'm going to be hard-pushed to find a photo of me when I'm like 27 or 25. Maybe not in all the fucking moments.

But for me, it's, you know, maybe if I get to... But you know, like, for instance, if you wanted a picture of, say, you with Elliot to put on Facebook when on earth when he died what a horrible example Elliot died oh now it's a fun example sorry

sorry I should have said that first right sorry I love this example Elliot's dead brilliant right cool right

fuck what we're talking about again that's just for others no no so Elliot's dead and you want a photo of you and Elliot right to put on Facebook

just so you could like get a few likes get the likes high really put the sympathy card and then also I need to put him on we need to establish

that me and him are friends so that when I write a show about his death as if it affected me which I absolutely would not you'll have to unblock him aye

unblock him and then just to be like oh me and my best you know I miss him so much this is a picture of me and him

if you're just scolding at him. He's such a good mate. He's going to listen to this. He's going to listen to this the second it comes out. He's going to be devastated. You know what? Even though I fucking shit

in Aloy's grave, you'll still like it because we're talking about him. Love you, Elliot. He's that narcissistic. Love you, Elliot. Yeah, I love you, Elliot. Whatever. Whateveristic love you Elliot yeah I love Elliot whatever

alright so I get a photo of Elliot Elliot's got a photo of me now I'll just go to his Instagram he'll have a photo of me I'll still be on his body just get his phone out just grab his hair hold his face up to the screen

so it unlocks it weekend of Bernieism you can't fool his photos to find the one to find the one you want of you and him but also get like can't fool all his photos to find the one to find the one you want of you and him but also get like

PTSD from scrolling through his photos backfares on you just all the photos of him crying on the shower that he uploaded

to his private Instagram page I don't see how it's not keeping photos deleting photos makes you a psychopath I just don't

I've got the memories, man. You know, internal photos. Oh, rub that in. Not with disability. Aye. With me disability. Just because you, aye. That's why you want photos, because...

No, everyone wants photos. I'm not the one, like, it's not just like, I'm photo horror over here. People take photos to keep them keepsakes. Aye, but I like going round. First snapshots of my life, you know. I've got, yeah,

but other people take the photos. Archive them. Other people take photos and archive them other people take photos and they like holiday photos for example when we were all in Hawaii everyone else in Hawaii

took photos of me in Hawaii and all my mates in Hawaii and then sent them to a group that I'll just be in forever so if everyone wants that group's made do you think in like 2030

yeah like the fucking archive WhatsApp chat from fucking Piggy oh fuck sorry whoa you didn't say her name

I did did you right not got the time on it where's 14 14 minutes dead on I wrote about the

14 minute mark well Piggy he hasn't got photos of his missus he hasn't got photos of his ma I don't

well no I don't he hasn't got photos of his missus, he hasn't got photos of his ma I don't... No I don't He hasn't got photos of his sister No, what, recent ones? You fucking, where am I going to get them from you psychopath? You're the psychopath I fucking, like, why would I have any recent photos of my sister? I'm getting a sick bunch of these

You just remember how many? 14 Oh fine, I'd be good good enough I didn't have pictures of me crying there there's loads of pictures of my sister my mum's got them in the house

I want to ever see pictures of my sister go back have you been thinking of fucking chores to get them we haven't just got a house

chores a visit home is not a chore fucking projecting you're just going to get them I see what you mean you're tied in with

visiting no I've got I've got all the I've got photos my mum's got photos of me and her so I'll find those and then also so Piggy

has all the Piggy's got everything she backs up everything man on the cloud she's got everything so she's got all the photos from Hawaii as well she's going to document

my life aye but she's going to dump you eh she does listen to this by the way she does she yelled at me she didn't yell at me

but she didn't tell me about her yelling at you oh man she fooled me you know it was like in Harry Potter where you know when

they get the howlers those yelling letters oh yeah Ron Weasley and Harry flew the fucking car into the Wampum Willow and Ron's mum's like you fucking wee cunt

I'm paraphrasing obviously Scottish Harry Potter there's Potter fans frigging up your the fucking car into the Whomping Willow and Ron's mum's like you fucking wee cunt I'm paraphrasing obviously Scottish Harry Potter there's Potter fans frigging up your leg I love it I'm probably stumbling into that chat

she was she just went by the way just so you know as I've told you a thousand times before I do listen to the podcast I just don't listen

to them immediately and then she had to go well not what she had to go because I forget everything about her all the time all the time

all the time every time you can't do facts wrong she's apparently she's asthmatic and apparently every time she gets her inhaler out

I go are you asthmatic she's like we've been together for a long time you know this I think she's also oh she's gonna lose

I don't know she's lactose one of them it might be gluten it's not gluten she's because it would have been his and his gluten lose I don't know she's lactose one of them it might be gluten it's not gluten she's because it would have been his and his gluten buddies

I don't know what else also I keep I keep saying to her all the time I was like you've not seen the movie in time have you you watch it together

all the time there's so many times where like I've told Natalie it would happen when she was there that comes across really bad

it does it comes across really bad you don't remember your own wife there with you it was my wedding I think it's because

I just remember different you know things like her name I remember her name I remember her birthday sometimes

I remember it when it's I remember little narratives from work I remember little work stories I do get her friends confused I just think

fortunately she doesn't take it personally sometimes people take your bad memory being like oh my god you don't care about me

you go no no I'm just an idiot I just smoke a lot of weed and sometimes I forget fucking things or I keep forgetting

that lady's got a middle name does she? aye what is it? Louise oh I saw she does aye Peggy's is Margaret

Doris it's a proper oh my god Edna or should we get on to the Dorothy Dorothy aye that's another old

old prick name Sylvia Sylvia Jeremy I feel like there's not been a Jeremy born in the last 20 years Nigel's gotta be gone

like you don't have a baby Nigel nah nah Tory's man Tory's the one they always name their kid Nigel we just don't hang out

with the Nigels because the Nigels will go to private school but there's no way Nigels are dying out I think so nah totally government

we're going to take it into our own hands fucking let's take them I think it's fair to say and I don't want

to generalise but I reckon I could beat up anyone called Nigel and his dad if there's a Nigel listening

to this just fucking what are you going to do about it just stop listening this isn't for you Nigel. Aye. If there's a Nigel... And his dad. If there's a Nigel, listen to this. It's fucking... What are you going to do about it? Just stop listening. This isn't for you. It's about to get messy. Oh, no, but what if Nigel... What if Nigel's like

a really scummy name in Denmark? And we've just, you know, sometimes... Because sometimes names go across languages. Go rogue. No, across languages. Going to other ones.

Stephen, Stefan. Aye. You know, if you're called Stefan in the UK, you're a pretentious piece. You're like, oh, I'm Stefan. Whereas if you're Stefan over here, you're probably just, aye, Steve. Aye.

Aye, you're right. That's not happening with Nigel, though. No. No, you don't think so? No. What about, like, maybe in, what about, like, in old places, like, because, like, it's an old name,

so from, like, old places that Britain had, the British Empire colonised, and it's, because like it's an old name so from like old places that Britain had the British Empire colonized and it's like so and I've I don't know if I remember history I just know we colonized a fucking bunch but like one of the African countries that we colonized do you not make reckon maybe because they took on the name Nigel maybe it's who maybe it's a common name and then it become like Nigels are pretty cool aye or just there's a lot of Nigels over there like respected members of the society in there

or maybe it's I don't know I don't know enough about Nigels I don't know enough about the history of Nigels we should have to do a bit of research before we do these podcasts

otherwise we end up looking daft man if we had done research on Nigels before this podcast we have truly run out of things to talk about just had some statistics ready

just something to fall back on like what the pundits do with the football they'll have a couple of little tidbits about like oh the last time

Everton won away was like 1986 which is a true fact by the way which is an actual true fact

there's an Everton fan called Nigel listening to the podcast what have I done this is fucking

weird I'm a good guy I've just I've just listened to my favourite podcast Muggers and Cream yeah I've spent hundreds of hours with them

just feel like they're my friends now we've just got personal right so we're going to do hypotheticals hypotheticals so this is it's literally

you're asking me first I am I if you could talk to any species of animal women women honestly it's a different language

birds of the bees in it chalk and cheese if I could speak any other language no no if you could speak

to any if you could get any other language to speak that's what I said not any other language it's not like birds speak French

and that's what we're Not any other language It's not like Birds speak French And that's what We're missing out on Imagine Imagine you've got To choose your language Based on what animal You could talk to If you learned it

What do you mean? Like if you were born To speak English Aye You could speak Like wolves Why? Because wolves

Are an inherent language I'll give it to someone Like that bigs England Up a bit too much For you Squirrels Right So all English people All English people Who can talk to You can talk to cows or inherent language I'll give it to something like that bigs England up a bit too much for you squirrels right so all English people

all English people you can talk to cows right oh no that's the same language right right peel and coos right

so all people that speak Norwegian can speak to cows as well so whatever language you learn there's an animal that you can speak to aye so like

I'm going to say oh sorry I totally took the hate China can speak to aye I'm going to say oh sorry I totally took the China can talk to the pandas that's definitely

that's there not many of them to talk to but not much to talk about either just a waste

of a skill I feel like I wouldn't want to talk to pandas let's scratch it off the list I also don't want to speak

Chinese if that's the cost. Mandarin or what's the other one? Tanjouine. For fuck's sake. Where's the other one? Mandarin and... Cantonese. Cantonese, thank you.

Sorry. Koala bears, they've got... Koala maze They've got Koala maze would be shite I want to talk to koalas I want to talk to something That looks fun Wait what looks fun Monkeys

I reckon they're racist man I may have had to Attack the monkeys I could like fucking Sell them religion Galvanise them I don't I reckon they're just really

I reckon all I reckon they're just really I reckon I reckon they're just very very fucking aggressive they start like fretting you but they are man they're just little fucking they're just rage filled

fucking things have you ever seen them at the zoo and stuff I hate to go all Joe Rogan but they're fucking insane so that's not they look fun when you can't understand them

but when you can hear them you're like oh no I reckon they're all bigots right they don't have any progressive views I reckon they're all bigots right they don't have any progressive views I reckon they're just assholes

man they fling shit at each other that's not going to be nuanced conversation imagine like you're going oh I want to talk to owls because of their wisdom

and all that but then when they talk they're just part of a bird brain it's like derp derp I want a mouse

derp not much to say oh come on give me some philosophy I want to or they're just dead quiet they can't talk

they just don't how are you just paranoid there's a noise they would be paranoid turning their heads all the way around who's that

there's food food I don't think anything would be that much good crack I reckon dogs as much as we think. I would want to talk to them just like, so like,

tell them how I really feel, just let them know. Listen here, you little piece of shit. I reckon, we think dogs would be fun because most of the time it would just be like,

after the first two times your dog goes, I love you, you'd be like, fine, brilliant. He's like, let's go for a walk I love you

you're the best this is really good this is really confidence boosting but dogs would be the type of cats that would just at three in the morning just go hey hey hey hey I love you and you're like

shut the fuck up man I love you too but if you wake me up again I fucking swear to god I'll put you outside no but man I just want you to know I love you man

also I smell your balls earlier but it smells so good I love you man also I smell your balls earlier but it smells so good I love you like it would get creepy it's super creepy if we can talk that's why because they just love

different things I love you I'd die for you can I smell your eyes can I have that can I have that that's the vibe that's the vibe

I pick up from them anyway man you're telling me the reason you hate dogs is because can I hear them I can hear what they're saying you're telling me the reason you hate dogs is because can I hear them I can hear what they're saying you've got a dog

doing little I reckon I reckon I reckon cats would be fun I reckon I'd develop a relationship with cats that I'd develop

with both my friends it'd be like me and you in an airport it would be in a house just fucking just saying I would just fucking just saying I would just

just occasionally saying horrible things to each other and just be like you know I can't just flip it the middle finger

from across the room that's it send a meme look up fucking roast it in a whatsapp group and just watch them get the message

from across the airport do you reckon we should try eating one of these now oh what was the hypothetical is that your hypothetical if you could talk to any you've not told me

an animal you want to talk to cats I think I'm going to settle on cats after fucking saying it was going to be like you that's my kind of buddy cats

I would say I reckon birds and I'd use them to my advantage you'd I would say I reckon I reckon birds and I'd use them to my advantage I'd be like what

get in the shop get a pack of 20 20 back at Richmond you like you like seeds don't you he's like do I fucking

do I like seeds you know I fucking love seeds and I'd be like I'll give you I'll give you a bunch of seeds which to a bird a bunch is loads man I've offered him like the medieval equivalent of like a bag full of like jangly fucking coins

three times his body weight that's what I'm offering him it's fucking it's a handful for me nothing I can do for you just spy on people just literally I'm just like go over there and tell me what those two people are talking about just sit over there listen I'll give you your body weight and seat you fat wee bird put a bit of coke in

just think it's like fucking gotta get some of that tea yeah man I've got more information for you just spy on all these people and then yeah that'd be really good

and then I could pretend to be like a fucking Derrick Brown cyclist I get to spy on all these people and then yeah that'd be really good and then I could pretend to be like a fucking Derek Brown psychic I'd get the bird to listen to people before they come into my show and then like I've got to have all this

and then just come back and regurgitate them aye and then in aye in they've crept in and then

the bird would come back and she's proper well mind you we can't get too addicted to coke because then eventually we wouldn't get an appetite no no no

no no no eventually we just we'd go over to the spot listen to two people and then halfway through we'd be like that's really interesting man here's another thing

that's really interesting I think you and I should start a restaurant together but obviously only I can understand it to them my bird's just

landing on a table it's going tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet and then it comes back and goes the guy who got us to spy on is opening a restaurant it's going tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet and then it comes it comes back and goes the guy who got us to spy on he's opening a restaurant

we're going to business together bye high five er my good bar is just and I'd use them for evil aye aye

or you oh right I just co-exist with somebody that's just like low maintenance right you're hypothetical now erm

I've written it down on my phone with a sharpie going through loads of these remember the bit you done earlier all right okay all right go on then political one okay if the tories all right promised a scottish referendum would you vote for them would you fucking mug them wouldn't you fucking mug off because if you thought that you were going to get

yes it doesn't matter who's in government because they're not your government so you could like poison the whole of fucking Britain with your vote

well I would be I'm going to say well no because they just they wouldn't honour I don't trust them you don't trust them to honour it

at all man like there's not like if I ever thought about that if Victoria was to honour it at all man like there's no like if I thought about that if Victoria used to be like we promised a Scottish referendum I'm like absolutely go fuck yourself

your promise means nothing to me yeah that's that I think that's that sort of that hay effect in the film next right

shall we well we can't eat a fucking edible on a pot well yes we can this podcast is a pile of shit of course we can that's really good I'm confident

which one do you want red velvet or chocolate lemon drizzle you want the lemon drizzle one em ooh red velvet actually the texture of that looks like

it's sweet no I will have the lemony one here you go that bon appetit cheers

cheers clink mmm now you're just listening to us eat Now this is You know how people sometimes watch cooking programmes And people are like I don't get why you just watch other people Cook it so weird This is the step down from that

Absolutely step down Not even describing how it is We've become a rung of muggle who didn't know it was possible listening to food being eaten

this is the equivalent of watching paint dry for years what's that thing you talked about in one of the earlier podcasts about the eating noises

what I don't know what I was saying oh for fuck's sake you can't on an earlier podcast, I was talking about eating noises. Aye, people make like,

you know, when they go into a microphone, they bite into a pickle. And that's like a fetish thing. Do we not talk about that? No. I don't know. Wait, you think there's a fetish?

I thought you were telling us on the podcast. You think there's a fetish? Where people bite into pickles. Into a microphone. No relation. Projected. I thought you told us so. That people, like,

that people bite into pickles or eat crunchy things into a microphone and other people masturbate to the sound of that. I just like it. When did you? You can't ask me, didn't you tell me this and then make up the most insane thing

in the entire fucking world and then not expect me to have a million quid? Was it you that told me that Richard Dexter is actually on the moon right now doing a tap dance? Was it you that told me that well no you must have been someone else

anyway let's talk about something else the fuck are you talking about forget it I can't there's a type of people that get turned on by the sound of eating pickles just wet pickles through a megaphone

I must have made it up I think you fucking did but why did you try and pin it off me as a fact that I fucking said I'm sure you said there was a word for it

oh no I think are you thinking of Foley yeah right okay what have you told us

no I told you that Foley art was the art was the art was the art of making movie sound effects in a studio oh it wasn't a fetish one

no sound effects you fucking did not sound for fetishes so you I'm sorry so what happened

no no no I think honestly when you told us about that because I remember I was talking to you about it like the guy that twisted the wallet to make the sound of the exorcist next turn that's Foley art so we'll have us about that because I remember I was talking to you about it like the guy that twisted the wallet to make the sound

of the exorcist's neck turn. That's totally odd. So we'll have to spoke about that on the podcast. I don't know if we spoke about it on the podcast. I think you just spoke about it while high once.

I thought I had put it on there but you know we're talking about fetishes the other day about like foot fetishes and stuff like that. I think I merged both of them conversations together because I was super high.

That's how I'm going to put my hands up and say I got into that mess. I'm glad we got to the bottom of that because I was super high that's how I'm going to put my hands up and say I got into that mess I'm glad we I'm glad we got to the bottom of that because that was going to annoy me

that was a really good edible I can thoroughly so tasty I can genuinely recommend Space Try in Amsterdam that was unbelievably good and the guy he said

because we said you have a whole one he's like do you smoke weed a lot and we were like yeah cool we'll smoke weed a lot and we're like yeah duh aye cool

we'll smoke weed right on his face saying that we're not actually like back this is a helpful one if you're new to weed like Cullen or someone

here's a good one if you could go back in time to when there's any sporting event live what would it be ooh 66 World Cup final

aye yeah erm you know at the time Conor McGregor Eddie Alvarez not with what I know

now but how I felt at the time that would have been I wouldn't say that now but like well no but that's the thing you're going back in time you're not going that's the thing you're going back in time

you're not going back with the mic you're going back in time to fucking witness it yeah oh no I guess I guess part of it you want to know

you want to go back with the mystery you want to go back to a sport event like if you go back to watch Conor McGregor versus Jose Aldo you don't want to go there

knowing it's over in 13 seconds you want to go there for the entire thing anticipate it like we fucking did in the living room and then have it be over

in 13 seconds yeah and experience that Newcastle beating Man United 5-0 that would be a good one to go back to oh aye

fucking Chelsea Champions League final yeah that would have been special do you know what would have been fun the fucking

Troy DD Troy Deeney fucking Watford for Watford that very very late fucking equaliser

after the missed penalty oh was that against Crystal Palace I don't think I think it was against Crystal Palace Crystal Palace Watford for the

I think it was the semi-final yeah it was the championship playoff semi for the I think it was the semi-final it was the championship playoff semi-finals that was a fucking brilliant one

that would be the one you'd get back Andy Murray wouldn't it win in Wimbledon because even I don't watch tennis that much

but that would be one where you'd fully get into the spirit just by fucking being there yeah or any of the

Ali boxing matches Ali Fraser and that Rocky Drago. He's been to any event, right? Any event. I'll go back to that time during World War I where they played football on Christmas Day.

I'd go back to Escape to Victory. I would go Space Jam. I'd love to be there for Space Jam fuck yes that'd be fucking brilliant just try and fuck it

the girl Bugs Bunny what's her name that's Bugs Bunny had a dress on sorry dude you've said it now I'll stick to it I'm not

right I've got to do another hypothetical for you don't I okay here it goes okay let's see if I can set this up correctly

if you got told by yourself from the future future self would come back and said look you can swim with sharks

in this fucking pool right and you're going to be fine I'm like proof of it you can just swim across Ghanian snowplains and swim around nothing's going to happen you're going to be completely unscathed right and you're gonna be fine i'm like proof of it you can just swim across garden snowballing that's from runs nothing's gonna happen you're gonna be completely unscathed right and then the hypothetical it's 100 true would you still swim with the sharks i don't trust future me at all because that's that's relying on i'm trusting the future me that time

travel is linear that he's come back into one point in time and he's like hey the fact that i'm from the future proves that you're alive in the future that's come back into one point in time and he's like, hey, the fact that I'm from the future proves that you're alive in the future. That's only if there's one fucking time. Depends what form of time travel you play.

Does he come back, does he come back to a parallel universe? Is it like Rick and Morty? Because he projects back there? Just projects, or is he like, he makes a communication

with you from the future? But maybe he didn't, right? I know what I'm like, if I was to find out that there was a fucking million fucking... So it's a trust issue? Yeah, he didn't, right? I mean, I know what I'm like. If I was to find out that there was a fucking million fucking... So it's a trust issue?

Yeah, I don't trust myself because if there was an... No, no, here's why. Look, if there was only two of me, I'd trust myself. If there was only a hundred of me, I'd trust myself.

If there was an infinite amount of me's in an infinite amount of universes, right, I would have no problem being like, right... Some of them aren't trustworthy. Oh, well, I'm just going to go,

oh, no, but I would go back and be like, oh, I'll kill one of them like it's not it's not murder it's technically suicide there's an infinite number it's not a crime

it's not you're a psychopath it's not it's suicide the photos of now killing yourself in the power of the universes like the fucking Highlander would you rather go back

and kill other people just don't kill anyone oh I'm asking if you'd do it with my shots I just wouldn't kill anyone oh I'm asking if you'd swim with sharks I just wouldn't trust myself so kill the self

that you're in control of now no because that's the dangerous one he's the one but it needs the bug needs to

stop there I don't know I don't trust myself but it would be such a good experience to go up and close and they're swimming past you

and you know that you're going to be fine but I don't know I'm going to be fine hypothetically if you did know if I did know

I would would you still do that because there's still an option if I was guaranteed there's still an option of going I mean nah

I'm not going to bother actually fucking no of course if I was guaranteed safety you would put yourself through the fear of it still and the emotion absolutely

I said aye but also just like I mean a lot of people still wouldn't I'm still cush like thanks for the heads up right

like honestly now that I know that's an option I'll weigh it up but I'm probably not going to because at what point like if me in the future

is proof that I don't get eaten by sharks at that point can I just fucking start battering this shark underwater and it's going to just not do anything

aye if that's what you want to do start killing sharks I'm not killing sharks no no you've shown your cards I haven't can I

can I fucking hit them no no first of all first of all have you ever tried punching underwater I'm not going to hurt like sharks are fucking

massive man I'm assuming this is a huge great a punch from me a punch from me on land against not a shark is still not

an impressive punch I'm not physically going to hurt the creature well it's still a bit of an but I can antagonise it it's an infringement you know

you wouldn't just get up to an elderly person on the street and just soft punch them you know you wouldn't just get up to somebody well if there was no

they're just saying you know you don't dig people if there was no they would say like you know just guide up and dig people if there was not you would just dig the shark the shark's saying

what the fuck dude like get up get up get up get up get up get up get up

get up get up get up get up get up get up get up get up

get up get up get up get up get up get up get up get up

get up get up get up get up get up get up get up get up

get up get up get up get up get up get up get up get up

get up get up get up get up get up get up get up get up

get up get up get up get up get up get up get up get up

get up get up get up get up get up get up get up get up

get up get up get up get up get up get up get up get up

get up get up get up get up get up get up get up get up

get up get up get up get up get up get up get up get up get up get up get up get up get up you survived if you hadn't done that you would have hit the wall the guy from the future

comes up plants that seat in your head you can't run just bop one nose so you don't actually just survive you fend off shark attacks

so what what future me actually meant to say was you survive a shark attack no eh if you want to

well in that case fuck me more for pitching it as anything else future me should be going back and down to be like, don't do it. You barely survived. I've got these scars. Like I'm missing an arm.

I don't feel it, though. Really? You don't feel it? No. Mind you, if I knew I survived a shock attack, that's another thing. Like, if I knew I survived a shock attack, like, okay, how big is the scar? Like, do I have teeth marking my ribs? Aye, I'll do that.

If you're a pro... I feel like we've done this type of thing before I think we've done it if you knew you could survive a shark attack would you even if you had to

go out to the hospital and get some stitches aye that would suck for a bit like for a bit it would suck until you got healed up

but if not you're going to be alright at the end aye check this bad boy best tattoo you could ever get that aye that would be pretty fucking sweet right shall we do some of your dad jokes before we fuck off you're going to be out at the end aye check this bad boy best tattoo you could ever get aye

that would be pretty fucking sweet right shall we do some of your dad jokes before we fuck off to do we've got another

hypothetical haven't we no we don't I know I did write one but it doesn't matter was that your second one yeah I thought I had to do three

oh well no well fuck you maybe we can do it later on when we get back so the plan is we're going to go to the neon light museum come back and report it

come back and report or we'll be too high right oh so for new listeners to the podcast which are fucking who knows hiya

at the end of the podcast we always do your dad jokes which are just exactly what they say on the tin where we say horrible things about each other's fathers

just because we can and it's fine. It's all true. It's all true. Kai, your dad has a YouTube channel of him reviewing

a different brand of off-brand tomato sauces from all around the world. It's called Ketchup with Kev and it has four subscribers and over 200 uploads. Hi guys,

Ketchup with Kev here. I'm going to have to beep his name out. Welcome to Tomato Thursday. Tomatoes, please. Your dad gets them air expander things and he puts them in his cheek and he's going to get it big enough so that he can lick your mom out from the side so that he can watch

Time Team on his iPhone. Sorry, I thought he was cheek. Your dad cries when he poos because he thinks that it's a funeral for the food he had. Maybe even fires

a flaming arrow at the toilet to flush it. Service. Really? Your dad looks like your mum. Just a bit dab. Your dad got his ribs removed

so he could go down on your mum while standing up. He's like, you know that wee bird that tricks water in offices? You just flick it back and forth as your dad goes down on your mum. You can have a strong lower back. When your dad whistles his lipstick out about seven inches. Looks like a cartoon.

Your dad believes in gods, ghosts, magic, reiki, tarot cards, vampires, aliens, and a little thing called love. Just listen to the rhythm of his heart. But not himself. Oh. Sure. Well. Your dad didn't see that bus coming.

Your dad refuses to vote in person or by mail, only by text, and he'll only vote for Chris Ramsey on Strictly Come Dancing because he says it's the only vote that matters. He's doing well on that now. He is, aye. He has run up his phone bill. He's a big fan, rightfully so. Your dad apologises after sex, but to himself. I'm so sorry I put you through that.

You pound of flesh. Do you know what I mean? You know how some people can put a cherry stem in their mouth and then bring it outside? That's how your dad ties shoelaces. Is that why he bends in the middle? He moves so he can tie shoelaces. Like a cherry stem.

Your dad went on Mastermind and his specialist subject was Jeffrey Epstein not killing himself. Sometimes your dad lies on his arm so it goes numb and then burns some toast and then falls over just to see what your granddad's last moments were like. Your dad ruled out marriage the minute he married your mam. Play it not for me dad No Yucky Your dad's karaoke song is the national anthem

He's such a fucking gammon Your dad blushes when you fart in front of him Your dad put a finger trap up his bum and now your mum has to follow him around everywhere

she's stuck there forever they're like a gentler version of the human centipede your dad can get a Chinese finger trap on his lips when he's whistling so can your dad now they're

stuck kissing forever your dad got down on one knee and proposed to his goddaughter with a christening

got them mixed up your dad's favourite sport is throwing frisbees with razor blades on them at pigeons

he does it for the sport. He does it. He loves it, man. Fucking class. Fucking Trafalgar Square every day. There's one on your fucking head next to your eye like William Tell. He calls it Nature's Fruit Ninja. He's killed so many kids as well.

That's a busy area, man. There's a lot of collateral. He's not good well that's a busy area man like there's a lot of collateral like it's not he's not good it's a sport he just made up and frisbees go a while it's those big

it's not the fucking shitty ones that you get from the beach you know and they're big ones they're holding them he's hit some dogs he's hit some people

he's killed people he's got a kid he's like a fucking he just thinks he looks like Captain America he's a tourist attraction now right your dad's boots are made for walking and that's just what he looks like Captain America. He's a tourist attraction now. Right.

Your dad's boots are made for walking and that's just what he'll do. One of these days his boots are going to walk all over your mam and your grave. Dance over them. I'm done. Your dad had a brutal hangover after having one sip of wine at communion. That is a fucking lightweight.

Right, so, pause that there. Oh, fuck, we've done 45 minutes. That's more than we intended. Well, we may not be adding much to it, let's see. Aye, we'll see. This edible's going to kick in in some minutes. Right, pause this here. You all right?

I'm all right, aye. I'm all right now. Aye. I'm pulling up a bit. Aye. It was, er, I was in trouble for a bit there. Well, so what happened was

we took the edible, as you all heard, as it ate about fucking four minutes ago. Then we went to the fluorescent light museum. Which was just a shut shop. Which was shut.

It didn't even look like a museum. It just looked like a shop front full of, like, crystals. Yeah, so it wasn't even neon lights. I said it was neon lights. It wasn't. It was just fluorescent. It was like a shop front full of like crystals it wasn't even neon lights I said it was neon lights it was it was just fluorescent

it was like a lamp shop you know those blue lights how you check come on things it was just like that if you shine that on bits of art crystal lights

so we stood outside and the lights were on thus making it just a weird shape shop and then we went to a pub and then and beer and then your brownie kicked in

yes your red velvet cake sorry night brownie get in yes you're ready to have a cake so I didn't eat a brownie get it right yep brownies are the only ones we've just had we've just had a tupper

by the way people we had another one and then we went to so having tried doing culture and then we ended up just in a pub

just like it was just us two and like four blokes in the corner on a so we went to a fight with them just

for honour. They're just floating down the canal now. Just like ducks. And then we went to see the Terminator movie, which I, as someone who stayed awake and watched the whole movie, I stayed awake. What was the storyline? I just couldn't keep up with it.

What was the storyline of Terminator? Just tell me anything that happened in the movie. Wait, this woman rocks up at the beginning. Right. Rocks up where? Like, you know't want to create an orb all right and she appears and then she's like sorry sorry by the way it's right not that any of this is going to make sense because he fell asleep for the whole movie and he didn't see any of it but i'll say it just in case spoiler alert like if you don't want to know if you don't want to know definitely not the plot of terminator dark fate turn off now so when she landed she

started like jumping around and that who's she the last one short hair right okay so i was that mate i was out of my mind when i was watching i couldn't keep up with any of it um so she's just milling run like i think she's half human half robot i don't know how that worked out right and then half and half and then there was this other guy that was like trying to step up and be like T 2000 he could like meld and stuff like hands but like it just better feel a little bit bulletproof like uses taking everything was it's getting chased for ages of him and then that was good does not put him in the water and mess him up put him in the water you're only just dissolved in the water I thought that

like an Alka-Seltzer because he's made out of these nanites fucking what's he made of it's an alkaline metal fuck that would have been a great joke

I just the Caesars and all of a sudden the fucking when the war were water pistols what like the fucking plot to

signs signs with robotss with robots Signs with robots fucking god mind that fucking movie what a dumb ass fucking movie

Signs was because it was terrified at points there was that bit there was that like really iconic shot

of like when it just there's that amateur footage of the alien just walking between the fucking

battlefields and then you're like the fucking fields and then you're like oh my god and then all the way through the guy's wife

is dying Mel Gibson's wife died because a tree crashed into her car or vice versa so she was

like she was cutting two she was like a fucking Kit Kat but except if you broke her in half she

died well I guess Kit Kat died when you break them in half I'm not a scientist I'm not a doctor that conversation

took a turn yeah but then they come down honestly they were being invaded yeah I think they're crushing it and then the first

rainy day they just I can't believe how long did the movie science take place that it didn't rain once

wherever it was it just like that's the only place they get I guess it would be fucking to take place that it didn't rain once wherever it was it just like that's you would never keep landing in Arizona it's the only place they get I guess it

would be fucking dry because it was cornfields fucking it's weird to think that rain is extreme sunburn to them

so there's just there's like no water I can't remember the plot of the movie anyway what if they need to piss they've got to

melt their own cock off they just scream the whole time What if they need to piss? He's got a belly-toned cock-off when he has to piss. They just scream the whole time. Isn't that like 80% water itself? No, that's us. But it seems to be kind of the same type of make-up as you. It's a bit like make-up. A bit rude. Right, so back to Terminator.

So there's one of them in the movie according to you oh Christ he's dissolving in the water so one of the Terminators or there was only

one Terminator so there she is she's getting chased around by that right and then she runs into Sarah Connor from the old ones

right she's like oh it's the old of the telly I saw you Terminator 2 you were class but not one she wasn't Sarah Connor in Terminator 2 You were class But not one She wasn't

Sarah Conner in Terminator 1 She wasn't It was mainly Because it was mainly A certain Second order So anyway Sarah Conner was just like

Oh remember me She's got like A gun and that She's a bit of a badass Aye she was a badass It was like Powerful woman Aye

And the three of them Go together And Just like the Powerpuff Girls They just like Fucking bumped into Arnie In the shops And he was just chilling

And that He was like He wasn't in the shops He was like Just getting on with his life He had a basket He was in the fucking Marks and Spencers

He had a basket With a sandwich in Fucking Arnie Just whilst in Not even as a Tony I just I mean it was

Kevin so what you're saying is they're in marks and sparks you know it's a bit like

the Hulk you know and the Hulk's just like I'll let you but he's Hulk Arnie just

fucking Arnie's back in Tony that badass he's just fucking he's in his

retirement and that he's got a Hawaiian shirt on he's just living town ain't that badass and he's just fucking he's in his retirement and now he's got a Hawaiian shirt on he's just living off the fat of the land and some goats alright he has a phone

that's weird even he's addicted to Candy Crush text me back he's just living a civilian life honestly he's just sitting there

just like and apparently his wife doesn't know I can't remember he goes to the laundrette and that I just like and apparently his wife doesn't know I can't remember I can't remember if his wife does know

that he's a robot that he's a robot fucking surely no because the whole point was like she

they don't have sex because he doesn't want to and he doesn't have a dick and that would be fucking weird

how can his wife fucking know how she'll marry him no because I think he saved her from like an abusive relationship and then

he developed a conscious by the way this is genuinely the plot of the movie like I'm not I don't know if I'm going to

add to the spoilers at this point it's a bit far-fetched man in a movie that's already fucking has time travel when they had that

but I was like you've made this too fucking weird like it would just be like at that point they're bringing in dragons I'm like whoa what are you fucking fucking weird like it would just be like at that point they're bringing in dragons I'm like

whoa what is this artificial intelligence now like this I mean I guess Arnie did have a did he have a did he not even have

a conscience in the second one he was just his objective was to save he wasn't doing it out of the goodness of his heart

it wasn't like his objective suddenly became make pancakes for my Latino child he's got a pity on he's at the

barbeque he's got one of the boobs he's got the pity when he faked it just grilling up just there just fucking loving

being at the barbeque and that got a bud in his hand got an electric shock every time he's in his

lips just using his x-ray vision just not for good like he's using he doesn't have x-ray vision. Just not for good. Like, he's using... He doesn't have X-ray vision. He does. He can measure stuff up with that.

Can he? He's got Taylor vision. Taylor vision? Because he can measure someone up and go, that jacket will fit. He can. He can,

but that's not even close to anywhere near his prime objective. But it's still programmed. It's not a feature. It's not a close to anywhere near his prime objective. Aye, but it's still programmed into the tailors. It's not a feature. It's not a feature. He couldn't do it. No, it's not like an app installed into him that he's like... It's an app.

It's not an app installed with him. He's just... He has the ability to measure someone for suits. Aye, but not for suits. That's the first thing he did. He fucking abused that. Just add all the buttons, measuring people's stuff. Class I. Do you think that's the first thing he did he fucking abused that just had all the bottles measuring people's stuff class I

do you think that's a violation of privacy stuff yeah you measured people's heads in fucking Adelaide when we were doing the netting thing

you were walking around a bar all night measuring people's heads you fucking and I thought it was funny because of how ridiculous it is these guys were doing it without any sense of irony

but at least they don't know they're being measured obviously he's just doing it internally. He's not using the information for evil. What he got up with was a tape measure. But you know what? You were physically going up

to people with a tape measure. He's measuring it up with his fucking magnet eye or whatever the fuck it is. I know. People tend to like it if you measure their head. I don't think that's true.

To put them in it for a bit. Everyone's a narcissist. narcissist right so carry on no no no I want to get through the entire plot of Terminator no no let's not ruin the rest of the movie for them

like it's good it's good I need some like bits for that like jump you back awake isn't it like you just be you just be asleep

and then just be oh what the fuck so it's car chase fucking so many car chases man aye it just be asleep and then just be like oh what the fuck is this car chase fucking so many car chases man aye it was good though and then

they were all good fucking actors but there was one bit where it was just you know those fucking movies where they just

go you go that was utterly ridiculous like this the Mexican chick she's never fired a gun

before in her life like literally they're training her to how to fire a fucking gun and then they're going to fire up

with some deep psychology not even deep like Arnie's there being the terminator he's like start with your legs apart

and then the other one's just fucking she's like oh no do it like this and she's like missing it and then Sarah Conner

just goes that robot just killed your entire family and she just picked up a separate more difficult gun she just picked up a separate more difficult gun

and just picked up AIM like as if anger and rage can just give you a fucking dead eye on the target

mental movie aye it wasn't good I enjoyed it aye aye I'd give it I think I need to give it another crack of the whip

because I wasn't paying that much attention and I did nod off a couple of times for like a split second like a mega sleep well it I think I need to give it another crack of the whip because I wasn't paying that much attention and I did nod off a couple of times for like a split second like a mega sleep well no I mean I was standing

beside you the entire time checking on you checking for checking your pulse you were projecting but I wasn't because I was watching the whole fucking movie

nah that's why I was laughing during the bit when he was domesticated Terminator I just can't believe how do we get Arnie in this movie well we want him was domesticated Terminator I just can't believe how do we get Arnie in this movie? Well we want him back as the Terminator, obviously, right, okay, good

like is he doing Terminator shit? Kinda, like you remember the old Terminator movies where he was chefing on in the kitchen for his son no we don't, well I think that's what was missing to be honest he's making eggs, making omelettes for the family

playing bridge he's just kind of sitting in the laundry waiting for his clothes he's measuring everybody up as they come in it's not what he's using it for he's taking it out of time

that would be like Superman using his x-ray vision to look at pictures of other people's kids in their wallets through their trousers like it's just

nowhere near where you would ever use the power for well take it up with him don't shoot the messenger

do you have anything else to add I didn't think so no let's plug some stuff in is Is it still early? What? We're going back out? It's about 20 past 9. We're going back out? I mean how long ago did we eat this fucking brownie? About 20 minutes maybe? It's just before this. Who fucking knows? I guess there's not much fucking else to do plug some stuff aye I will where have we been is there anything we've missed from the last couple of days

aye loads been to Paris Hungary was fucking cool Budapest is a beautiful city oh yeah Budapest is awesome there's this place called Simpla aye

it's like almost like an abandoned building like a fucking like a tower block that's the wrong word isn't it like an apartment block it used to be the wrong word isn't it like an apartment apartment block it used to be apartments

I think and then it stopped but in that kind of real fucking eastern fucking concretely way eastern European right

yeah I think I was saying far east I don't know that's a big shift hey we've got podcast listeners for all the world you don't know what

their version of east is okay you fucking bigot wow wow snowflake you have been cancelled er November 8th You don't know what their version of East is. Okay. You fucking bigot. Wow. Wow. Snowflake. You have been cancelled.

November 8th of November. We are in Madrid. That's not sold out yet. Fuck you, Madrid. All sold out. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh, Berlin, 14th of November. Fuck you, not sold out.

Leipzig, 18th of November, not sold out, fuck you guys. Moscow, still not, fuck you. I'm aware it's 3,000 fucking seats. So just get it above, you know, 500 would be nice. I think it is worth that. I haven't checked. Graz, that's in Austria. That's in Germany. No, it's not, it's in that's in Germany no it's not

it's in Austria Tustney we're there on the 24th and then back on the UK tour but we'll have another podcast out by then

I'm going to do a solo show in Newcastle Stand on the 22nd of December wow so fired you for a day which show?

I'm doing the latest one Team Smug Gareth's gonna be on Gareth Waugh J. Tim Is he opening for you? Mm Okay

I'm gonna get him to close 22nd of December At the stand Please come Hey Tickets for more good bookshops Register to vote Oh here we go good bookshops register to vote oh here we go

register to vote aye and then vote Russell Brand was wrong what you can tell everyone not to vote because it doesn't

make a difference aye it would probably make a difference if everyone voted I mean it's literally the point of voting is to make a difference

oh yeah let's do it and I'll wear another tape oh slot let's go vote let's go make a difference oh yeah let's do it and I'll wear another tape or slot let's go vote let's go make a difference let's all vote

for Chris Ramsey yeah my dad's got to come out yeah he does I mean he's racked up a hell of a fucking phone bill at

this point can you turn this fucking podcast off please this was meant I've plugged the thing this is the

post credits well I bet not not like the cool Avengers way when it's like good bonus content this is just shite

wait then turn it off