Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.39 Still on the Road

Episode Date: November 18, 2019

Muggins drags Cream sulking onto a podcast to discuss the Prince's royal shenanigans and last night's episode of 'I'm a Celebrity...' starring friend of the podcast Andrew 'Meg' Maxwell. The Pod then descends into a therapeutic rant from Cream about the perpetual nature of the tour after 17 months on the road.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and Cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

Mug and save our gracious cream. Mug and save our noble cream. Mug and save... It's not my country's national anthem. Our princes and nuns. Which one? Just one of them. Prince Andrew.

He has a big pedo in him. Our prince. The prince of our realm. We have a realm that you're part of. There's a prince of it. He's a pedo. He probably has sex with underage sex trafficked women. Girls.

So I watched the Dispatchers episode on Epstein. Aye. And then I watched the interview withatchers episode on Epstein. Aye. And then I watched the interview with Prince Andrew. Fuck me. That was the epitome of a guilty man. Aye. That's what a guilty man looks like. There has to be a breaking point at some point soon in society.

Because we're just being lied to all the time. Yeah. And I'm currently catching up on the story that behind the bastards put together on him they didn't they don't want Epstein yeah yeah so they did a two-parter in March which I've nearly finished episode one and then come to the podcast and then there's episode two was like back-to-back episodes and they've done like a re-up so that's why I've went back listen to them they've done like a re-up recently and but fuck me man the amount of people that are

connected with him like fucking Bill Clinton took 11 flights on his private jet in in a space of a year and there was always girls on the flight and he's got this private island that fucking Stephen Hawking's been to and fucking he's been away with Chris Tucker. Like, there's people who you're fucking... You're liking Stephen Hawking or was it not? Well, probably not, but, like, anybody that goes anywhere with him now, you just think, all right, aye, what the fuck you up to?

Aye. So, it's like, there's so many people embroiled in just going to his private island, going up on his jets with these girls on. Really push off people who have private islands. And Donald Trump was fucking quoted saying, Jeffrey Epstein likes girls almost as much as I do. Young girls.

He just said it as if the guy's a legend. Right. That's the president fucking Prince Andrew fucking Clinton it's fucked up it's the power hungry psychopaths, that's what it is it's Prince Andrew the Queen's son what? it's Prince Andrew the Queen's son

yes well, sorry Liz, you raised a pedo. What a fucking... Do you reckon that trumps unconditional love? What a fucking stain on her... As much as... First of all, she's a stain herself, so... I don't...

She has actually dealt with a fucking weird, weird fucked up situation with Grace. And I know there's like, there's probably fucking a dark history to my decisions. Like Diana's death was probably dubious. Epstein's death is 100% dubious. You're roaming into conspiracy theory here, but. But she's fucking maintained dignity the whole time.

She's what, like 97 years old? Yeah, she's maintained dignity as an unelected ruler of a country that predominantly fucking dislikes it, yes. She's handled that really well. She's handled, like, just ceremoniously given one of the most backwards fucking things in the entire world with an unlimited amount of money. She's handled that very well.

God bless her. What a wonderful woman. Aye, it should have ended her. It should have ended her. It should have ended her. She's done, like, you know what? She had it. She had it.

Given that it's the fucking, it's the information age and we didn't need a monarch and a queen, she's fucking held up that ornament of a monarch very well when she goes just let the whole thing go she could have, she had the chance to win over Scotland by when Boris Johnson was, because she has to confirm every point with her

she could have just said nah she could have just said nah and we all would have won alright let's back on your side save the union. She's actually, as far as I'm concerned, and this is based on that we didn't refute, she's done nothing useful. People say she brings in tourism.

But to your part of the fucking country. To your country, not mine. She's good for London. She's good for London. Shout for the rest of it. And her sons and aunts. Sons and aunts, that's just good for London. Ah, it's just good for London. Shout for the rest of it. And her sons and aunts. Ah, sons and aunts, that's the kicker. Like, if you raise a pedo, you've failed.

Like, you've got to... And if you don't beat yourself up for raising a pedo, I do think it's society's job to beat you up for raising a pedo. Not physically, I'm not suggesting you punch the kid. Well, she should fucking behead him she should demand a fucking inquiry she should demand

that he gets like should she do anything she's 90 odd years old man she's a fucking old woman she's a

she's knocking on a hundred shouldn't she be expected to do anything at this point in her life just sit in your fucking rocking chair

with your corgis running around knitting away just describe my life I'm looking forward to her death just so the money changes

not that I think she deserves to die just think it'd be cool to be part of a generation that gets to watch the stamps change I'd say you're

excited for that aren't you you fucking muggle alright you got your little as far as I'm concerned you got your 50 pence piece from the coronation it'll be

it'll be the only fucking interesting thing she's ever done in her life is this the fucking another massive like unnecessary spend to change all the currency

would you would you would you recall all the currency and then put new stuff out or would you just would you just weed it out like you know

when they put the new 20s in the plastic 20s it'll be that bye they're not going to give you just the next batch they you know when they put the new 20s in the plastic 20s it would be that they're not going to give you just the next batch they're just going to

be looking at old pitch and be like who's this pitch I don't fucking recognize this the queen well can't accept this money

do you think Charles would though do you think Charles would be like I don't even accept that and you're like it's legal 10 down

it would be an incredibly English thing to do is to not accept currency for arbitrary reasons so yes aye that is true um aye so that's what I've been doing mostly is fucking um listening to Epstein

and Prince Andrew stuff well while knitting your Christmas jumper that's well underway oh yours is well underway I gave it a break because... You're further than me. I went for the easier method. So you've got like really thick wool. Mm-hmm, thick needles. Thick needles, like 11... Size 11, 11 millimeter? Aye.

Is that what it is, 11 millimeter? Yep. Right, so you've got them needles, so yours grew like quickly. In a matter of days, you've done the full front of the jumper. No but. You have any up to the shoulders? Up to the collar? Yeah absolutely.

You need to start shaping the collar. So I taught you how to shape the collar last time and now we've both forgotten. So we're going to have to sit down together. The annoying thing about knitting is there is no one way to do it. So you type it, I just assumed you just go and Google you go how do you work around the collar and it goes well which one it. I just assumed you just go and Google and you go, how do you work around the collar? And it goes, well, which one of these

76 methods were you using? And you go, oh, for fucking... Yeah. That was like when I learned the Rubik's Cube. You just had to pick a method and stick to it.

There was a handful of different methods for the algorithms. I figured it's just something that you just, there's just too many methods and also, same problem

I've always fucking encountered with fucking knitting fucking learning that online right and I'm gonna be sexist here right fucking you sluts

need to fucking slow the fuck down on how you teach things fundamentally what I've learned the difference between men and women

right is that I need things explained to me a lot of times and then I'll be able to do it on my own forever

whereas women pick things up in a millisecond and every man is stupid beyond comparison I need things explained to me a lot of times and then I'll be able to do it on my own forever. Whereas women pick things up in a millisecond and every man is stupid beyond comparison. I've noticed that the women on YouTube teaching you how to knit are teaching you assuming you already know how to do it. Yeah. They're just like doing like a quick recap on this is what you do.

Whereas the men that teach you how to do it are like, okay, I know you're retarded. Yeah, they go, all right, all right, dumbass. With your right hand, pick up this bit of string and you go good now what and he goes with your same hand wrap this string around the right stick and you go good got it then with your left hand take this bit of the string and put a bit and you go fucking this is spot on this is how you women are like once you've found the second curve

all you have to do is you need to take the second part of the first stitch and you go we're 35 seconds into an instruction video how the fuck

have you already gone to code lunch you're using stuff I'm not familiar with so I've I've went for the thinnest wall I could find

in the small four millimetre needles so that I can have each stitch as a pixel so I can draw a picture. Now I have come across a couple of obstacles. First obstacle is

doing that method takes for fucking ever to knit a jumper because every stitch like there's a so mine in the round is 260 stitches. So that means when I separate it's 130 so if i do 131 way 130 back 130 the other way 130 back i am moving at a fucking snail's pace doing a dot

matrix print of this picture now the second problem i come up with is the picture i took i made a grid out of it and then I chose which colour would go on each square so I had a bit of mental gymnastics to do because if you grid a picture into pixels, if it transitions from red to black, it'll have red, then burgundy, then a lighter black. So you've got to decide, right, I'm going to have to make this red up until a very solid point

and then it turns black because I'm not going to do the gradient like that. So I had to rearrange the gradient of the picture like that. And then the other obstacle was the pixels are squares. Now, knitting isn't squares. It's like kind of oblongs. Or not even.

It's not... If you do 100 stitches by 100 rows, it's not going to do if you do a hundred stitches by a hundred rows it's not going to be an exact square so I had to work out the ratio and then I had to

add rows at this point at this point you're just doing what every woman in YouTube tutorials does yeah it's all you're doing

it's all you're doing you're just explaining something overly complex as if it's a simple thing no but it's it's complicated to me too but I'm having to figure this out as I go

and I think I might have done it but there was one point where I've got fucking seven balls of wool on the go at one time and I'm just like why have I fucking

committed to this I kind of I just I think that's one of the main problems with what I'm slowly realising is it's one of the oldest ideas in the world, which is I think men process...

Men and women actually do process things differently. And as a liberal, that's hard to take on board because you go, everyone's equal, we're all the same. And then you go, oh, no, we're not. Well, if men and women were exactly the same, there would be no transgender. No. Because that means there is differences between us and

that's how you can tell that you're in the wrong body because you go i'm different i'm not i'm not the same as the other people who have this now we're getting now we're two white men getting onto a conversation over the difference between gender and sexes and i'll be honest with you i can't be fucked ever joining that debate in my life i'm not going near it i'm not touching it i'm not i've got no interest in it. I don't know enough about it to add any useful bits of information to the poll. But you just went near it. You went near it just by suggesting that.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Fine, because I understand men. I know nothing about trans issues, so if you want to jump into that pool, fucking enjoy it. I'm not going anywhere near that swimming pool. Enjoy your swim. Enjoy your swim. I'm going over to the paddling pool. So for you, it's a minefield.

You were just like, that's a minefield. My opinion's probably wrong and I'm going to step on one of them mines and I'm high profile enough to get fucking into big trouble for that. I could probably go through that minefield totally untouched

until I get some level of fame and then all of a sudden a soundbite will get took off the podcast and all of a sudden I sound about I'll get took off the podcast and all of a sudden I'm transphobic it's not even that I don't have anything

to man we live in a world now where everyone's asked for their opinion and everything and I go I don't care what

your opinion is on that I don't care what your opinion is on that I don't care what your opinion is on that why are you telling me these people's opinions on this

someone I don't care about their opinion on something else I don't care about so I'm nominating myself or I'm being responsible someone I don't care about their opinion on something else I don't care about so I'm nominating myself or I'm being responsible and going I do my opinion on trans rights is not

interesting nor new nor there's no reason for it to exist and if I do have one it doesn't belong in the world because it's not contusive to everything but because we live in a world where people weaponise fucking opinions of everyone I'm not giving it I'm not giving it because i'm not having anything brought out of fucking context if you want to talk about trans issues go ahead i'm not interested in this discussion

well i definitely think uh gender is in in the main and it's a society-based thing and it's not to do with your body type as such because i i'm gonna go fucking hell i'm gonna get there right body type i think is binary is that the word for it binary when there's one or the other like a dead body can be identified as male or female but your personality can be anywhere along the spectrum of what society expects from a male and female and the way men think and women think. As you just mentioned, men can think different to women. And we're not equal in that respect. So you can be born with a woman's mind and a man's body. I think this is an utterly pointless discussion.

But it's going to segue nicely into Andrew Maxwell's In The Jungle. Aye, with Caitlyn Jenner. With Caitlyn Jenner. That'll be interesting because then you actually get to hear someone whose opinion on the subject does matter

Andrew Maxwell aye Andrew Maxwell mind you Caitlyn Jenner has regardless of what she's done

for trans rights she still killed a person yeah she ran someone over didn't

she I found that out when we were watching South Park and she just knocked someone

over randomly and then you paused it and you were like fucking you know that actually happened. She killed someone and then had enough money to get away with it. Much like Cesar Azpilicueta. Did he do that too?

Murderer. Oh. Aye. You know what though? That would actually suck to just be, you're living your life, you're Daniel Sloss, you're having a nice time, your success is doing well, you're having this leg tour, you've got your girlfriend, you've living your life your dials loss you having a nice time your success is doing well Yeah, having this like to a you've got your girlfriend. You've got your house You just everything's everything's nice and ticking over you have your complaints But the arbitrary on the scheme of things and then all of a sudden

Somebody fucking steps out into your car where you're doing five mile an hour ten mile an hour over the speed limit, right? and Your life's fucking completely different. completely different but was was that what happened with her i'm not sure well is that what happened with her now no but i'm just saying like you know that that that is something i live in fear of right is like accidentally like in a car accident accidentally fucking killing someone because even if i was within the fucking speed limits they jumped out like that's still on me that's still on my mind i still i still pointed the car in that direction and pressed the fucking accelerator into that human being and mashed them up and the soul left the body like that would fucking suck

man depends for me it fully depends like do you do you think that sorry that cut off uh well fully depends like for example I I totally agree I had a friend from high school who killed someone in a car crash went to prison for two years

because of it and I was just like I was prison he goes he's like easy piece of piss doesn't matter

I have to live with this for the rest of my life the prison's not the punishment he's like the prison is I killed my best friend and I have to live with that every single day

for the rest of my fucking life and I'm like yeah that that every single day for the rest of my fucking life. And I'm like, yeah, that absolutely fucking, like, I imagine killing someone plays, you know, things in your head. That being said, there's definitely places in Fife, in coastal Fife in Scotland where I grew up, where it's like, there's a 20 mile an hour zone here and it's between like a brick wall and a path and that is still 20 miles an hour at four in the morning i'm of the opinion if you're crossing from that pavement to that wall at four in the morning and i hit you at 30 miles an hour i should be able to kill you at that point because what were you doing like i don't think i don't think speed limits should be rigid across

the board every single time of day yeah or much like my plans with airports I think there should be other there should be the basic level driver's licence which is hey can you drive a car you go yeah I can drive a car you can drive these cars this is what you're fucking training

but if you go to like an extra six months of fucking training there's another motorway that you get to use because you're just I just I think

there's not to segregate society I just give people sirens I mean I think I can hear that picked up on the

mic on the mac but that guy that guy's got his extra license that lets him go faster than everyone

else when he presses a button just become a policeman so I don't know what happened with Caitlin Jenner or then Bruce to go faster than everyone else when he presses a button. Just become a policeman. So, I don't know what happened with Caitlyn Jenner

or then Bruce when she hit the person with the vehicle, but I'm assuming she didn't aim it at them and murder them. Well, let's find out. Let's Google it together

and find out how much of a murderer she is. Oh, I spell it quite as. So, like, I mean, it absolutely sucks that that happens and if they were drunk or speeding

or anything like that, yes, they were at fault for manslaughter but that's a fucking sucky thing they have to live with yeah ugh

I mean it sucks more for the other person so that's where that's where something really goes erm are you looking it up

yep should I probably I should probably fill this air with something. I'm talking about my British shake now. So now I'm going to let them know if any of the new listeners are wondering what we're talking about, Andrew Maxwell's in the jungle,

the OG listeners will understand that Andrew Maxwell is a good friend of Daniel and I, and he is the main face of Altitude Festival, which we frequent every year, most years at least. And when we were at Altitude last time, he was on this podcast. He's been on the podcast previous to that. He's a friend of the podcast and now is in the jungle with Ian Wright and Caitlyn Jenner and a bunch of other celebrities. And it's fucking bizarre for us.

Like last night, he paired up with, I'm forgetting the name of the lady he paired up with. What was she called? The TV presenter? I was really stunned. I was super stunned last night. It was so bizarre because my fucking phone blew up

because Maxwell had become a meme and everybody... He didn't become a meme. I think he was just in a couple of memes. He became a meme because everybody took a picture of memes he became a meme because everybody took a picture of the screen

and went are they hoping to find Madeline as Kate and Jerry McCann in the jungle and the pair of them next to a photo of Kate and Jerry McCann

looked identical so that trended on the internet and everybody who knows that we know Maxwell well not so much you because no one's

got your number anymore everybody sent me a version of the picture of Kate and Jerry McCann so I'm just fucking who knows that we know Maxwell, well, not so much you, because no one's got your number anymore. Everybody sent me a version of the picture of Kate and Jerry McCann, so I'm just fucking watching Maxwell in the jungle. And then all of a sudden, I'm just getting loads of fucking Maddie McCann memes. He didn't just become a meme, he became a Maddie meme.

Which, you know, it'll be interesting to see how that goes for his career. He's recognisable now. People have seen him. But the thing with Maxwell is, he's a now people have seen him like he's but the thing with maxwell is he's a fucking solid personality he's a great guy and he's gonna come across well in that he said my love a few times and become a catchphrase oh it's gonna be you know it was cute about the my love thing when he said i don't know if um i don't know if you're in the whatsapp group or whatever

but um he said my love a few times to his partner to try and help her through the um through the walking the plank thing at a height and then um maxwell sent a picture there sorry flynn his son sent a picture of a screen cap from uh soraya his wife saying that this is the last thing she sent him before he went in and it was like this picture with goodbye my love written at the bottom, so Soraya said to him goodbye my love and then he repeated my love back a few times which was a subliminal message

to her. I think you're assuming that Max was a sweetheart and my love isn't just a fucking common phrase that everyone says. That they use. You think that's not like when she sent that message. You reckon and assuming that Maxwell's a sweetheart and my love isn't just a fucking common phrase that everyone says that they use I you think that's not like when she sent that message you reckon he misses her

that much on day one day one day one he's talking in code when he doesn't need to talk in code like it's not gonna not missing that

he's just sending this subliminal is he not no I don't the last message she sent was go on Maxwell's Instagram his son posted it on his Instagram.

And have a look. That's to the people listening. I'm going to say coincidence as opposed to tactics. Maybe the seed was planted. That word got put in his head. Not even that. I think you've gone Natalie Stargazing logic here. Post-hoc.

Shut up. How is this fucking, like, how is this Hocus Pocus? Literally, his wife said to him hours hours before goodbye my love and then he shouts

my love on TV three times I've never heard Maxwell say my love I have several times the second of all that's before he goes in you don't know when

they get their phone taken off them you don't know what the situation is so he might not have seen that message he might not but that could have

been filmed before because that was before he went in the actual fucking jungle right so they're obviously not giving their phones before they go into the physical jungle but that was not them in before he because that was before he went in the actual fucking jungle right so they're obviously not giving their phones

before they go into the physical jungle but that was not them in the physical jungle that was them filming on a rooftop so I'm going to safely assume

that that was pre-recorded it was two separate times it's there's I would put confident amounts of money on it

that it was that it was not a conscious reply to the message you got just before he went in not at all not even remotely.

All right. I think it's absolute conspiracy and conjecture. Wow. I guess that's so implausible. He read a message from his wife and then repeated the sentiments a couple of times on TV. You know what I mean? It's so implausible. Such a fucking far-fetched, elaborate.

But he's not in prison. I'm so implausible such a fucking far-fetched elaborate I think but for such a but for not like he's not in prison it's not like he needs to Blake Eswit like he could just be like I missed my wife

like why does it have to be no he's just being fun no I think I think he was just calling someone my love in the same way I call people lovely other people call

other people gorgeous oh but it's no it's like it's not like he's got limited screen time. There's 11 of them, right? And he's not the most famous one out of them, possibly the least, right? So he's got limited screen time. So he's not going to use his screen time to just go, I got your text, baby.

Here's my look. Like, he's just going to. But why on, like, day one when he spoke to her, he's like, I miss you already. That's not I miss you already. It's just like a fucking subliminal... It works in the moment and it's letting them know. It's sending the message back home.

It's fucking smart. It's nice. If it is true, Max was the biggest loser I've ever met in my life. And I guess I have more respect for him than that. Nah. I just, I guess I have more respect for him than that. Nah. I just think it's sound. I just think it's really sound if that's what happened. It's like, I got a message and I didn't get a reply against me before and got took off because I'm just going to fucking show this

when I'm on the plane. Or that was just planted in his head. You think it's just absolute sheer coincidence that he's the way you sent him a message and then he repeated that message three times on TV. You think that's just sheer coincidence? Well, sure, sure. When you frame it that way...

What, the way it is? No, no, no. All right, it's not going to be one of those podcasts. You're going to worry about your moods. Next topic. What do you mean, one of my moods? You're going to worry about your moods. Next topic.

Go. Wait, one of my moods means you've got a point, you're so confident with it that you're just going to drill it home and I'm going to back out. What do you want? This could be the podcast. What do you want? What? What do you want?

I want you to move on. So, why? Oh, right, okay, we're in Germany. Let's do that. We're in East Germany now, aren't we? I'm assuming it is. We're in Leipzig. I don't know where it is.

So we went from being in Berlin and stuff where everything's very modern. I say modern. And now we're in Leipzig where everything just seems 80s. It's fucking too Romanian to be Germany. And I mean that as a full insult to Romania. Yeah, it just seems to be like that Eastern, that Poland vibe, doesn't it?

Just going to the parts of the world where you just go... It's like every time you go to Spain, you just feel like going, didn't nobody tell you that you were a First World country? Italy too. Italy too, aye. So I think, I'm just assuming Leipzig's in East Germany, just because I feel like there's the...

I haven't looked at a map in the fucking longest time I sometimes wake up in the morning and don't know where I am

or where I'm going next I just know that I've got to be in the lobby at fucking a certain time I'm just bamboozled

by the whole thing now it's East I guess it is so yeah it will be to do with the divide and the Berlin Wall

and like one side of the country growing and westernising while the other side is still Soviet. Well, mind you, this is on the same side as Berlin and Munich and so on, so it's got no excuse. Was Munich on the east side of Berlin? Munich's on the... Well, I mean, I don't know enough about...

I don't know anything. I just know that we fucking drove for five hours and went back in time for fucking... I know David Hasselhoff got rid of the wall. That's as much as I know. I spoke to one of your fans in Munich and David Hasselhoff

had gigged in Munich recently and similar sized venue to what you did and when they bought tickets ironically which I imagine

most people do same with my show yeah and they only filled the room quarter so that's what David Hassel yeah and they'll only fill the room quarter so that's what David Hasloff is up to at the minute

quarter filling rooms where he sings I feel like I obviously can't speak for my fucking future self but I really hope

that if the world does survive to the point where I'm beyond 50 years old which I again do not believe for a second will happen but if it does and the weather where I'm beyond 50 years old, which I, again, do not believe for a second will happen.

But if it does, and whether sometimes it's seven or so, I hope I know when to fucking retire. I know I have that thing of just like, you know, just being able to go, right, my heyday is behind me, and I'm just going to have to accept that this is a point in my life where

I'll focus on being a dad or a granddad as opposed to desperately I mean I was about to say no disrespect no disrespect for Jim Davidson

but what am I scared of full disrespect to Jim Davidson the fuck's he doing just ringing it out Roy Chubby Brown Roy Chubby Brown just ringing out

every last drop just admit it's over just but would it be undignified to go right you know say if you have like say if this is your hair day now and it's peaked but would it be undignified to go right you know say if you have like say if this is your

heyday now and it's peaked and you're doing you're doing your like 1500 seat of venue on average some more some less

but in four figures but then like your retirement was just plain like 200 300 just like what we were

doing a couple years ago would that be the end of the world no no absolutely not but if it was 200 people doing a couple of years ago would that be the end of the world? no no absolutely not but if it was 200 people in a 1500 seat absolutely 100%

that's an unplayable gig just die just know you're know where you're at but at that point the second I did one of those tours I would go right

now it's time to fucking reassess maybe I'm not maybe I'm not touring competition is it worth writing a new show anymore if it's just going to be

underwhelming compared to last year? And if it, yeah, yeah. Should I just give it a couple of years before I write one and try and make it better? All right. Try and still improve? Is the reason less people showing up because I'm getting shitter?

And if that's okay, because this is something I've discussed. Or is it because I've stayed at the same level, but everybody else around me has just got so much better? I think one of the problem, poison challenges of success in comedy, and I don't know if we've spoken about this before, but one of the big problems that happens is

comedians get really, really famous because they're really, really fucking good and then there comes a point where a lot of them become shit and people go, they went shit because they went mainstream and you go, well no, it's because they stopped having real audiences to gig to. Like Michael McIntyre, Ricky Gervais,

Lee Evans, Bill Burr, Dave Chappelle, Eddie, and all of these comedians, these greats. It's impossible for them to do a gig to a neutral. It's impossible for them. There's no point. When you do comedy as a known one, or as a lesser fucking known, a lot of the time

you're walking into an audience where most of the audience don't know who you are to make strangers laugh is very very difficult because you have to first of all go on get material that gets you liked

and then get them laughing so you have to make this audience like your personality get used to your personality and then make them laugh at things with your sort of thing and with a 5-10 minute spell that's very very hard to do

but that's what creates the best comics. You get people to come on, like, calm stage, where they're just, their personas are just there instantly. Bill Burr is a good example. You know, they come on stage, their personality's just there, and you get fully fucking on board with it. But then you become famous for, like,

Richard Vey's and Michael Markle's specific personalities. You don't have you don't have to win the audience over which is a real sort of thing we've already got them but you'll never win

over neutrals again in your life you'll never win over the middleman because you're only getting to your own people and you can rip them with fucking anything

and if you're in a room full of people who don't know you if you're Michael McIntyre like who are those people have they been under a rock do they have televisions but they're also

but they're also going to have that fucking attitude of they're going to have in their head, Michael McInerney's not funny. Because the reason Michael McInerney's not funny, despite the fact that he's been going for 20 years, I saw him do five minutes on six o'clock primetime television. And in that five minutes, he didn't make me, a fat loser from Nottingham, laugh. Therefore, Michael McIteer's not funny. You go, no, no, it's just, you know. Anyway, so my point was I'm worried that there's a point where comedians get to where you stop having a neutral audience to gig to.

And it's not challenging anymore. Like, you have to go out there and, you know. Yeah, I think you'd still be able to play to neutral audiences. For a bit aye because like say if you go to the comedy store right that's a room

like that's a room full of comedy fans so there's going to be a large percentage of them know who you are but if you but they're still but they're not there

as my fans they're not there to see you and then a few people will be like oh that's that guy and there'll be a few people going hey oh yeah

I've seen his picture on Netflix or whatever but I haven't clicked on it so you'll have like a range of people that have never seen you have seen you but haven't looked at your work

to people that are like oh my fucking god I'm a fan of this guy so you're going to have that range so you'll have a varied audience you'll have an audience

that you've still got to win most of them over or some of them over but that's the comedy store where it's comedy literate people but you could quite easily get up on a fucking

comedy loft gig with the old junglers and they'll just be like stag and hen parties and birthday parties are we considering that a real comedy audience though? I mean I can play them

but this is where we get but is that a real comedy audience? I mean I've been on stage with a fucking laughing their heads off all the time like are you saying that you couldn't

go on and do that? I could I could but it's one of those I could but I wouldn't want to because I just go well first of all

and this is specifically me I've always been a comedian that could not be asked for the fucking challenge people

I've not done late in life since I was I've done it once yeah that's another example but saying that late in life

it's the fringe a lot of people would know who you were so you the fringe a lot of people would know who you were so you'd have a bit of benefit of the doubt I just don't you know

it's like you don't like the comedy tent at music festivals so much because because that's very similar even though people are

there to watch comedy and enjoy it they're not stag and hen parties but they are party goers aye well it's just because sometimes I haven't fucking it's mainly material and enjoy it they're not stagging hen parties but they are party goers aye well it's just because

sometimes it's because I haven't fucking it's mainly material man if I could go back to fucking club stuff I wouldn't mind what I fucking played

because I'd have 20 minutes of club material I haven't had club material in fucking ages can I go on stage and just I can't fucking do a music festival gig

and start talking about fucking toxic masculinity and rape aye yeah because that's the direction you've took with the last few shows is that

is the hard difficult to challenge topics at the end of the show like the loss of like loss of your family your sister

and just want to talk about drugs and shagging again yeah that's that's what I that's what I do in class

aye my next show I'm not gonna I day it's class my next show I'm not gonna I can't be challenging anything ever again I'm gonna go in there just with fucking

porridge comedy but you know what we're saying about the when you know you fell off when am I gonna retire and be a

grandad like that's that's an option for somebody who's like made that money and invested it well and stuff

that but if you just like rely on a regular wage like a club comedian like I am, I know I've borrowed a career off you by coming along with you, but I'm a club comic, I don't think there'd be any indignity in being in my fucking 60s and going away for the weekend to do a gig

as long as I was still making them laugh, as long as I was still keeping up with the young'uns. And then also, yeah, as long as... As long as I wasn't getting bitter about people not booking us you're right, I think it's also down to what you fucking, like if David Hasselhoff is loving those gigs, then who the fuck am I to feel like I wouldn't do that

if he's still, because you know yeah just book a smaller venue, fucking play a crowd of Nathan at midspace, don't over stretch it I think it's down I think it's down to fucking it's also how you

fucking perceive your audience am I going am I going out to gig to these people because I've got something to say or am I going out

to the gig to these people because I want money I I I really like both they're both part of it like I'm not gonna

fucking like I I would not have done and I'm gonna be on to fucking I would not have done and I'm going to be on the record I would not have done

this last year of touring if it were not for money but after December 14th there is not an amount of

cash in the world that will ever make me perform this show ever again because you've just done it too many times I've done it over the years

there's not an amount of money in the world that can make me perform this fucking showcase because you've just water tortured yourself

you've just you've just death by a million cut yourself like you know what it reminds us of a little bit I remember when you know

when I was like a little pov kid getting sweets was like fucking beg your mum mum can I have a Snickers mum mum mum can I have a marathon whatever they called it

and then you'd get one and you'd be chuffed because you got your sweets right and then when you become like 15, 16 you start like

getting your own money from different revenue streams whether that's your fucking pay out of run your first job like you start getting a bit of money

of your own right and then you go I can buy any amount of sweets I want and that's what I did and I'm like oh no you need to ration this

you can't just have like fucking nine Snickers you need money for other things it's toast but yeah buy some Skittles you fucking chocolate

you chocolate fucking freak so it's like it's that thing where you're like oh I want this thing so much that I'm fucking willing to beg for it and then you get you get it a that thing where you're like oh I want this thing so much that I'm fucking willing to beg for it

and then you get you get it a million times and you're going whoa it's that famous thing too much of anything it's always Bruce Bogtrotter

and his cake too much of fucking everything yeah so at the minute though like so you you had like a bit of a fucking

ugh a couple of weeks ago the reason the reason the podcast has fucking been slowed coming out it's fucking we've been on tour

for 18 fucking months we've been on tour for 18 fucking months we're on Groundhog Day now like it's like I've got nothing to say and to be fair one thing I will say

one thing I will say I do appreciate but podcast listeners is they're getting everyone understands yeah like this is

because you don't want to come on when you're like jaded when you're not because I've got nothing to say yeah that everyone understands yeah like this is because you don't want to come on when you're like jaded when you're not because I've got nothing to say yeah

and it's it's a it's hotel airport soundcheck gig restaurants can you tell us

what your favourite thing about Germany I can't it's no different one thing I've learned about travelling one thing I've learned about travelling

is everyone in every country is the absolute fucking same. And you know what? A lot of the time racism doesn't make sense. We're all the same. We're all gross. We're all idiots.

And all of society sucks no matter what part of the fucking world you go to. Every person in every airport doesn't matter if they're black, white, Asian, gay, straight, women, trans. Everyone fucking sucks. Everyone sucks in a fucking airport. Scummy parts of every country in the world are scummy, right? There are fat fucking cats everywhere. There are idiots fucking everywhere. There are horrible people everywhere.

Like, across the world, across the world, shite fucking exists. And you know what? We get to experience it every fucking day. So that's my opinion. In all different cultures. All different cultures. You just want to be in the house, don't you?

I want to be. I never want to see another person in my fucking life. Because I don't get anywhere near as wound up by people as you do I fucking hate them but I do go through days where I'm like

I just can I have a day where I don't have to interact with people because we like we'll require service on a daily basis we need to be served

like are you not excited for the next time you don't need to be served by someone I never I never want to and it's lovely

what they're doing they're providing a service are they no nah they're not providing a service

they are some people some people provide a service they're at work there's poor people at work with their own soul and their

own story and they fucking didn't want to be serving us as much as we do but you know what I fucking suck I suck at a river night and I

go do my job to the best of my fucking ability so everyone else can suck a fucking dick I haven't wanted to perform this show since September last year

right but you suck it up and you go on stage every day and you do it because there's people because that's my job I agreed to do this job

and I'll do it that's my fucking job do we need to address the people who have got tickets and they're really excited to come see you now Danny do we need to address those guys

the will of the staff no no no this is stuff I'd never say publicly it's just on the podcast the people who have got tickets and they're really excited to come see you now Danny do we need to address those guys they will understand no no no this is stuff I'd never say publicly it's just on the podcast because the podcast listeners understand they've been with us

fucking through this publicly I'm not going to say until after this tour's over that I fucking hated the last year of this tour so yeah just know that it's been a bit of a fucking baller

getting to where you are to do the performance but we're delighted to be there to perform for you it's the best we appreciate the spliff afterwards

because we fucking need it it's the the fucking the show part of it well I was about to say it's not the problem it is the problem the whole part of it

is the problem it's the fact that I wrote this show since before your stag do aye and we're still doing it and it's the same tour

and it's every day and I do not have the strength to lie to people anymore and go I'm loving it I'm not aye but

I haven't loved this in a long time we're at like well like fucking mile 23 of a marathon now and we've got like three miles to go

I think we've got like we've got ten days off we've got some new territories we've got like three miles to go I think we've got like we've got ten days off we've got some new territories we've got fucking Moscow and Russia which like it'll be exciting but I'm not

I'm not having I'm not and I don't think it will happen but I'm just going to say what I'm not fucking having is people coming

you're being ungrateful you go no you you lived my life for the past 18 months and then we'll see how any of you fucking feel

it's like at the end when you're in your fucking nice big house and the settlement comes through you'll be going I fucking earned this you'll be like

because it's not as much as you're on stage for an hour and a half and maybe for less it's it consumes your life it's an 18 month tour

it's an 18 month tour it's a 24 hour job for 18 months. And we have had our rest days. No routine. No routine. No proper food. No fucking schedule. No...

You know, it's been... What we've done fucking really well is I don't think any of my relationships with people are under pressure. There's no stress on my relationship with my wife. There's no stress on my relationship with my friends. There's no stress on my relationship with me wife there's no stress on me relationship with me friends there's no stress on me relationship with me family thankfully and i think i think it's just because they we've been on top of it we've like no i think i i think a lot of for me

it has been is especially changing the fucking phone number is i've made a distinction between people now there are people, my deepest loved ones, the ones who I know will be my friends for life, who understand what this tour is, right? So they're not texting me. Hey, how are you? None of your fucking business.

Like, either get in contact with me properly, face to face, or don't bother. Don't fucking text me while I'm overseas and think you saying, hey, how's you,

is you putting any more effort into our relationship than I'm putting into our well just asking how you are just a name yeah yeah but that's what man and it's all died it's all died

it's all died after I changed I don't get any fucking text randomly of people just being like hey how are you fuck off I find that with like

yeah a lot of the time because I try to reply to as much people as I can but sometimes it's just too fucking heavy man sometimes I'm just like I'll open an Instagram inbox

or like I'll see like five or six messages that I could reply to a lot of the times I know the people or I'm familiar with the people or I've befriended them through meeting them on the tours and I realise that like just replying to one is not just

like it's not like whack-a-mole where you reply to the fucking ones that are there you're sparking conversations with each of them people and you end up having um long in-depth conversations with people that you like it's it's tough enough keeping in communication with fucking parents and my wife you know like keeping keeping them alive and then all of a sudden you're fucking spinning all these other little plates. So it is tough but I've managed it. I think I've managed

to not make anyone think that I'm forgetting about them. No, I've openly forgotten about people and if people take that personally it's very much on them and I'll cut them out of my life. If you think me not talking to you

on this 18 month tour is because I don't respect you as a friend guess what i no longer respect you as a friend that's a level of neediness i don't need in my fucking life i've been on the road for 18 months i should i'm focusing on my mental health if i have to fix any of yours just jump off the next bridge i don't need you anymore i'll go to the funeral i'll go to the wake I'll say some sombre messages that I don't mean but

just you feel a little bit close to meltdown like man I'm done I can't do it anymore there are 14 there are 14 I know

to the second there are 14 more performances of this show left there are three and a half weeks of it left I can't I can't pretend anymore

I know it's that so yeah you're a lot better now because you've opened up about it and spoke about it and you've fucking you've been listening

to self-help podcasts just anything anything anything to not want to kill myself every day you had that moment where I was like we're landing in Hong Kong we've been traveling like fucking long haul flight practically every day

sometimes two every day to get get around the get to the far east and get around it and that and then we arrive in hong kong and um our agent was there and you guys have been clashing a little bit and like uh you had a day off and you just went into your room it was like three o'clock in the afternoon we hadn't had any sleep it was uh three o'clock and you just went into your room. It was like 3 o'clock in the afternoon. We hadn't had any sleep. It was 3 o'clock and I just went, ah, fuck it, he's in trouble. And I went to a cellar and got a bottle of scotch, bottle of whiskey.

People would have seen it on Instagram. But that was me and you just fucking pickling the problem on it. Joe, that's it. That's just it. It's just I've been stoned every single day for the past month. It's been good. Yeah, since we've come back from the Far East where you couldn't smoke weed. Couldn't smoke weed, had to smoke weed every single day.

This is maintenance. And I'm not, and I don't care. It's not weakness. It's, find me any other comment on this on a 300-day tour. Well, it's a marathon run. Your fucking legs are dead. The finish lines are there. You just want to fucking collapse onto the floor, but you're there.

It's, I mean, I've found it all right because I've started paying attention to things. I've started showing interest in politics and I've got like a couple of regular shows that I watch on my iPad, like Politics Live and I watch Dispatches and I watch fucking Andrew Neil even though I think he's a bit of a fucking P.S. Morgan I think those guys like

interrogating people on both sides are necessary I think they can be bellends it takes a bellend to take that job but the guys that interrogate I like watching them just to fucking see holes getting poked in politicians and I've actually found myself enjoying the last couple of weeks because I've just given myself a new hobby,

a new thing to pay attention to. I'm just watching the news unfold. I'm looking outside instead of in. Yeah, great. I've also started giving myself a routine, but I'm giving my routine with someone else's diary. Yeah, that's true. This is not my fucking,

this is not my, none of the hours in this day are mine. Like I can make them mine, I can reclaim them but I can't ever fully reclaim them because what I can do

is every morning I can wake up and go, right look, we've got travelling today, I'm going to be travelling between these hours but even though those might not seem like my hours,

I can turn them in and I can go, this is the hour when I do, this is the hour I always have for fucking breakfast and reading my books. That'll put me in the right headspace at the hour when I do this is the hour I always have for fucking breakfast and reading my books that'll put me in the right headspace

at the start of the morning then I'll have give myself half an hour to catch up on emails and Twitter and fucking WhatsApp and memes and stuff and I'll do that

while in the taxi that's combining that because memes are important yeah they are because memes are important give me that break

and then I'll get to the airport while I'm in the airport I'll listen to my podcast I'll listen to my news podcast and then I'm allowed to sleep on the plane because I know I want to fucking sleep on the plane then I'll get there and I'll do some research on the city I'm in the airport I'll listen to my podcast listen to my news podcast and then I'm allowed to sleep on the plane because I know I want to fucking sleep on the plane then I'll get there and I'll do some research in the city I'm in and then I'll go find a restaurant there and I'll go and then in the afternoon I'll do my knitting I'm like cool cool I've reclaimed the

day no I didn't no I didn't I just made the prison sentence less yeah I just went and and in the section I'm allowed in this section of the prison I'm going to paint a picture of a flower and while I'm in this section of the prison I'm going to cook my own meal and while I'm in the section I'm allowed in this section of the prison, I'm going to paint a picture of a flower. And while I'm in this section of the prison, I'm going to cook my own meal. And while I'm in this section of the prison, I go, I'd rather be outside, mate. I'd rather not be in prison. Like, I can reclaim the hours as much as I want, but none of the...

It's hard to say it's not my decision, because ultimately it is. This is my dream job, and I'm living the fucking dream. But your diamond shoes are eight sizes too small. They don't fucking fit, man. If I bought... That's the thing. I think I've broke my toes. If I yeah diamond shoes are eight sizes too small they don't fit man if i bought i think i've broke my toes if i bought diamond shoes and they were too tight i think you're well within your right to complain because i spent a lot of money on diamond shoes

and um i found that uh the sections of the tour where marlena's had to join one because she's been producing the shows and it's been outside of the thing and she's just not a she's not a compatible travel companion for you because she talks she snaps you out of your reverie on a regular basis

to the point that you can't you can't get deep into your thoughts you can't get deep into your thoughts you can't get into your podcasts

because there's always something and to her it's important and to her it's nice it's a nice thing hey do you want I'm going to do a laundrette run

you got any stuff for the laundrette and like stuff that i'm not interrupting you today i'm not offering to fucking wash your pants and she is but she's snapping in at you like that and you can just see your fuse getting shorter and shorter every 15 minutes there's a new interaction where you go none of it needed to be just like that routine that you described um before i'll sometimes only interrupt that like when we arrive at the hotel to say hey I'm gonna get lunch I do want to get lunch. All right, and then I'll talk to you over lunch Once we've arrived at the place they fucking in the morning

Sometimes I just get in the car vote say no dear because I've got my headphones on and we can just fucking like go Separately but in the same car that that doesn't happen with someone that isn't used to turn. I It's not her fault fault she's just being friendly she's come along with a big smile on her face and being friendly but I'm like this is this is difficult

I have my friendly hours scheduled in I'm friendly after the show to fans and I'm that's my friendly I don't have enough I've used it all I've been on tour for 8 I've only got certain levels of friendliness in me every day enough I've used it all I've been on tour for eight like I've only got certain levels

of friendliness in me every day because I just have it so my times of being kind to people come specifically from after I'm off stage

to when I get into the hotel that's when I'm going to be nice to any human being that I cross the other hours of the day couldn't give a shit couldn't give a fuck like

and you're being actually nice like you're all being nice you're not faking it like I know when you I know you can say I'll put my mask on and then go meet my fans nah you're like you're actually actually nice like you're not faking it like I know when you I know you can say I'll put my mask on and then go meet my fans nah you're like

you're actually fucking happy to see them yeah I've saved up that time when I'm going to be fucking nice to my I'm going to be fucking nice to people I do not want to be

it's the same thing for taxi drivers how's your day none of your business airport people have you had a busy day none of your business don't talk to me

this isn't my fucking talking time airport people are really that pleasant oh that's true but I don't know what you're saying this is another thing as well

it's like what Marlena has that's like very similar to my mum is like being a feeder and I'm a 36 year old man that knows exactly when I want to eat

and what I want to eat and I can I've got full autonomy over my intake in fact like I'm a 36-year-old man. That was exactly when I want to eat and what I want to eat. And I've got full autonomy over my intake. In fact, I'm dieting at the minute because I felt myself getting a bit tubby. And I'm working out at specific times. So I eat regarding when I'm going to work out and after I'm going to work. So I've got this fucking thing in my head. But Marlena is lovely and she's nice and she wants to feed you.

And she's constantly offering you stuff that's just on the table in front of you there could be a bowl of nuts on the table that you can see with your eyes that you can see with your eyes and touch with your hands and she'll pick up the bowl and put it in your face

and go do you want some nuts aye like I'm in the middle of reading a book and all of a sudden I'm like fucking I'm closing a human interaction

I'm closing a pop up aye I'm closing a pop up on the screen right and something that she's done in the last week right was she put gluten free bread on the rider for backstage for you because you were gluten intolerant you decided you hated gluten-free bread because it's bread but without the good stuff

i'd rather i'd rather i'd rather shit diarrhea than eat gluten-free bread right so she hasn't scratched off the right and it's there and she's very aware it's going to waste and she doesn't want it to go to waste which is a very natural thing to not want right um something that's been paid for going so she offered me gluten-free bread the first day she arrived here in germany and i was like oh no i'm i'm actually like i'm fine i'd i'm not eating bread at the minute it's one of the things i've cut out my diet just to try and get into shape um so thank you but no thank you and the next day she was like i think she'd seen us eating bread because there was only a sandwich on the menu and i'm not i'm not gonna starve to not eat right so she sees bread and she's like do you want gluten-free bread i've seen you eating bread so

are you back on the bread and i'm like oh like uh i'm not i'm not eating bread if i can if i can avoid it and if i do eat bread it's gonna be for enjoyment i'm not i'm not eating bread if i can if i can avoid it and if i do eat bread it's going to be for enjoyment i'm not going to eat the bread that fucking hasn't got any of the enjoyment in it so i'm just going to say now like no i don't want gluten-free bread and the next day she's like do you want some gluten-free bread and i'm like molly and i i've told you i don't want gluten-free bread and then the fourth day when she offered me gluten-free bread after fucking having to explain myself many times i just nearly grabbed her by the back of the head and just force fed myself the gluten-free bread and said, is this what you want?

Into her face. Because I don't know what, I don't know. I don't want gluten-free bread. I don't want it. It's like Mrs. Doyle from Father Ted. Go on, have a biscuit. Just fucking leave it. It's tough to contest.

It's also the fact that 18 months of tour, of routine. Like, we've got a fucking... Man, we are very good at touring together because you understand the hours of the day that I am available for conversation. Now, let's be honest. Well, I can read your mood.

Well, not really. We're still doing this podcast. I wouldn't have done this podcast at all it was up to me but here we go if they want to find out what mood I'm in

this is the deal I know I read your mood I just went with it anyway aye we just had to look we fucking aye

I'm aware that we've been by the podcast and it's because one Piggy was here because aye Piggy was here and I'm miserable two

we've had company so we've been forced into conversations, so we've got nothing left. So there's nothing else to say. And we are a week from home, so aye. Where are we going with that now? No, just if this is a bad podcast, but tough shit.

I don't think it is. I think it's insightful. I think it had a bit of humour at the beginning and then it was dead insightful about like

what's going on but I'm alright I think because I'm working out because I'm reading and because I'm

doing like self-improvement and because I'm fucking very aware that I'm stuck in it and I'm not

going to be home for a week or so I think I'm alright I think you've got the taste of the light

at the end of the tunnel too you just bought a new house too. Haven't been in it. And you haven't been in it. Yep.

You say that, but I got married last September. Not September gone, September before, and I haven't been in that either. All right. Well, it'll never, ever, ever, ever. This tour will never, ever happen again under any circumstance. Yeah, we're looking next time to do it in chunks, right? So even if the tour goes on for three

years we'll do like a week in Germany a week off the next tour will actually be four days in Belgium a week off

I'll never I've put in limit I'll never perform a show over 120 times again I do think there is a limit on the amount of times

you can say it works how many times was it? 120 120 shows? that's more than that no I'm going to put a limit on the max I'll perform the next show is 120 times

so what have we done so far? 300 and something so like plus 300 day tour pretty much back to back and what's nuts as well is like every time we've took time off we've went somewhere awesome like we've took time off,

we've went somewhere awesome. We've went on a nice holiday, like my honeymoon away and we're tripping together, which is fucking great and all that, but still travelling, isn't it? Just amazing. We literally bridged every gap that we had back home with extra travel, which was awesome. Individually, a lot of the bits of it are awesome, but if you stick it out like that, you're like,

I want me fridge. I want me PlayStation. I want me gym. Just one. I want me bed. I want life. I want actual, this is not life. This is.

I think largely I've enjoyed it. I know I'll look back, but I can't. Just now, I can't. I think I've I'll be I know I'll look back but I can't just now I can't I'm in prison like even now with the prison I reckon I'd be alright in prison

I think that's what I'm saying like I've got like in my head now the like time when I work out the time when I knit the time when I do these things and I've

like you said you've bent a routine around it I fucking like that routine I'm alright with it as long as I'm constantly improving. The working out has massively helped my mental health.

No, I just, I, yeah, I'm not doing it. It's just, it's, for me,

starting to work out now is like fucking starting to clean a house party at 2am. Like, it's just, actually, there's no,

I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, because there's no point working out while I know I'm not because there's no there's no point working out well I know I'm not going to eat well

and I know I'm not going to eat well because one it's fucking hard no one no European country in the world

can do sandwiches apart from the UK it just doesn't breakfast outside of anywhere in the UK is appalling oh man fucking scrambled eggs

this morning like that's one thing in the morning I go down and I'll have some scrambled eggs I'll have some fish I'll have some scrambled eggs. I'll have some fish. I'll have some fruit, right?

Like, I'll stay away from the breads and pastries and cereals and all that stuff, right? When I'm doing this morning, the fucking eggs just stunk. I was like, oh, and then I've got no other option now. Like, kind of limited. So if you don't like eggs, you don't like fish, it's like eating healthy for you isn't just adding a parameter of I'm eating healthy now

you've got these also parameters of like I find stuff yucky alright well if I want to eat healthy I have to go out and actually

go out and look look for healthier fucking things but then also I want to it's one of the things I know I want to I want to get better

with my diet but I'm not going to do it while on tour and the same thing like I'm trying you know I'm doing a bit

of fucking self-improvement I'm trying to I'm like use the time reading and knitting like self-growth I'm not I'm doing a bit of self-improvement I'm trying to use the time reading and knitting self-growth I'm not working out man I'm not going on a fucking diet I'm not adding other levels of legitimate sadness I don't know how I would have done it in your position but in my position

I'm off stage for a lot longer than you are during the show I'll go in early and I'll do the sound check so we've probably got the same fucking the same fucking working day, really. But, like, when you're on stage, that is when I'll do my workout because you're going to be on for 90 minutes, so I'll set my interval timer away, which is, like, a 22-minute workout, and then I'll have 10 minutes of fucking just chilling out

while I'm dimming sweat and 10 minutes of having a shower, and then I've still got fucking 40-odd minutes backstage so I've managed to fit that routine into there well when there's a shower at the venue otherwise back to the hotel but I have felt better for it like yeah it is pressing that fucking button pressing the button on the interval timer is the hard bit but once that's pressed it's almost like oh I know I've got to do this and every time it's the high intensity bit I'll do something burpees press-, squats like I set it away and I did and that 20 minutes does suck and the 5-10 minutes building up

where I can't be arsed sucks more, but once I'm finished in every other hour of my day I feel fucking great for it like a noticeable difference in my mood for that half an hour that I've set aside not worth the sacrifice for me nah, you're quite enjoying basking in your misery at the minute I love indulgence man for that half an hour that I've set aside not worth the sacrifice for me nah

you're quite enjoying basking in your misery at the minute I love indulgence man it's just I'm not gonna I can't be yeah

I know when I want to I've got I mean you know not even New Year's resolutions because the problem with New Year's resolutions is you're saving for New Year's and then it's a

fabricated version of yourself I'm implementing my New Year's resolutions you know sort of now sort of being a little bit better being like Year's resolutions and, you know, sort of now, sort of being a little bit better, being like making sure I read one book a week,

starting it now as opposed to this definite point in time. Getting better, more adventurous, trying it sort of a bit now. So I'm going to, you know,

but there's just other bits. I'm just not doing it. I'm not doing press-ups in a fucking prison hotel. Oh, I fucking love my prison work now. It's like, it's just part of my day now.

I've done 20 in a row, 20 days in a row. It's just it's just part of my day now I've done 20 in a row 20 days in a row it's just at no point do I I've started noticing like different like a

difference physically and difference mentally I can't make any I can't be arsed making any more of this many more miserable than I

already is so are we going to do dad jokes did you write any I did aye yeah sweet so we're on tour. Come see it,

even though you know I fucking resent you. I guess. Not absolutely, anyway. Can't be fucking honest. Come see the show. I'm miserable. Come laugh at him being miserable.

That's what a lot of Daniel Stadler comedy is anyway. He's fucking miserable. At least you know it's authentic. To be fair, it has made the show easier to perform in the fact that I don't have to

fake misery anymore like had I said that I was miserable and then you saw my section of the show you would be like wow that is fucking tears of a clown

right because like I'm happy on stage but I'm happy off stage Danny's miserable off stage and on stage we're both very authentic I used to be happy

on both your dad thinks Piers Morgan identifying as a penguin is the funniest thing he's ever heard in his entire life he honestly thinks it's such a class bit he's like there's a fucking hundred genders out here so why can't he be a penguin

honestly such a good bit whenever he sees that photo he's like kiss him in the drannies fucking dig it your dad got a gastric band fitted on his lungs

because he was taking in too much air your dad doesn't support Liverpool but he's glad to see they're doing well I said nobody they're just such

a lovely fan such a great squad as well your dad cut leg holes arm holes and a head hole in his suitcase and he wears it to the airport They're just such a lovely fan base. Such a great squad as well. Your dad cut leg holes, arm holes and a head hole in his suitcase and he wears it to the airport. Your dad calls bananas

nature's lipstick and treats them as such. Your dad ran out of cereal while pouring himself a bowl and then remembered all the ones he'd swept under the fridge with his sock and used those.

Your dad puts suntan lotion on before getting on the sunbeds. Your dad puts suntan lotion on before getting on the sun beds. Your dad only has eyes for a man but there's still a good six weeks until Christmas to buy a monster. Your dad never fully finishes a shit, always pinches it off right before the end, says he likes having one in the chamber just in case. Some people do that with books, leave the last chapter. Do they? No, because they don't want it to end. Gross.

Sad children. The tech age. I'm doing it right now. You know, the Wait But Why articles. Fucking love that. Everybody, this is a plug. Go to waitbutwhy.com. There's a series of articles called The Story of Us.

It's the best thing you'll ever read. It's the best thing on the internet. I'm halfway through the last article. And I keep putting off reading the rest of it because I don't want it to end. Anyway. Your dad does the top button of his shirt and wears it as a cape for meetings. Your dad has a lot of political opinions for a man who gets all of his news from Facebook. Your dad was so bad at egg and spoon race

that he always used to cross the finish line holding a chicken. Your dad says all animals are piñatas you just need to change your definition of the word sweet I give your dad a hug

and now I'm covered in fake tan your dad hasn't sweat since the Falklands your dad hung like Mr Bean from the high diving board so long that he pulled James Acosta's beard.

Your dad watched that vegan documentary and changed his entire diet based on the story of five professional athletes and one failed UFC fighter over 400 years of peer-reviewed science journals and studies across the globe because he doesn't understand even basic science. It's my dad Tom Horton. It's my dad Matty the Pincer Canning. And Elliot Steele. Is Elliot Steele gone?

Oh my God. Oh, have you watched the documentary? You know what, started watching it, started watching it and I was like, okay, this could make sense. Okay, now it's a propaganda piece. Oh no, let me dick in here,

big guy. That's how you're going to get this. We're going to get a big dick. Like, fuck man, some of the facts would be enough. You know, I just think that.

There's one of the bits where after the, after the, in the literal documentary, in the literal documentary, after the erection bit, the doctor has to legally say to Cameron, he goes,

well, none of this is based on actual science and you go what yeah it's it's so fucking transparent and it's so obvious who it's going to catch Tom Horton Pinsa Elliot

don't get me wrong we all agree or at least we all should agree we need to eat less meat that's factual. Yeah, this is what's happened, right? This is an extended podcast. There we are, bonus footage, right? We shouldn't eat meat because we're killing animals

when we don't have to kill animals, right? We shouldn't eat meat because we're fucking, all of these animals need fed, so you're having to fucking use so much land and water to fucking make the food to feed the animals to feed us when you could just eat the fucking plants, right? So there's a climate. These are all things that don't affect us directly but affect the humans as a whole yeah they're not enough to sway with but what it does take is

activating the selfish gene by again you can be big and strong and your cock's big and you'll just get like a bunch of selfish people tom horton elliot steel pincer god Gann this is going to benefit me so I that's what I'll have done is I've activated the selfish gene on people to help the greater good so I didn't find it that bad I didn't find it that bad a problem that this is converting people to veganism I didn't find it a big deal

I don't mind people being converted to I don't even mind people being converted to veganism and I don't mind people eating fucking less meat because I think it's something we all need to do. But, Gan, stop giving idiots wrong bits of information

that they're going to come and argue with me with and that I'm just going to have to, like, I can't argue with your documentary because it's a one-way piece in the same way that people can't really argue with my sort of shows. It's a one-way fucking piece.

But there are factual fucking inaccuracies in your thing and your people can't really argue with my sort of shows it's a one way fucking piece but there are factual fucking inaccuracies in your thing and your people are going to come forward and be like where was the

my favourite line my favourite line people say how are you as strong as an ox you ever seen what an ox has eaten

you ever seen what an ox does for 17 hours of the fucking day you moron it's got four stomachs to break

that well that's a character but also it's got a different fucking it's got a completely different make up the fact that you can't even eat grass like it's got four stomachs to break well that's a cat but also it's got a different fucking it's got a completely different make up the fact that you can't even eat grass

like it's not it's not like the ox is eating fucking lettuce and tomatoes it's eating grass right also

the fucking animals are sort of like seals just eat fish and they're fat cunts like if I just ate fish I'd be lean as fuck we're different animals

you can't compare different animals you mentioned it the other day people do experiments on mice and get it out so that must be one of those on humans oh it's my favourite

it's my favourite my favourite fucking and this conspiracy theory comes around all the fucking time and it's because of a basic misunderstanding of what science is

and what it does right is do you know how many times they've discovered do you know how many times they've discovered like cells or genes that can get rid of all the cancer cells in mice?

At least a thousand times. At least a thousand times they've found genes and things that can sort of, when they inject mice, rats, whatever, cancer genes stop reproducing, right? There's been loads of patents for all those things, right? And every now and then you'll see me being like, hey, this was proven to get rid of cancer cells in rats, right? It patented, then it disappeared. The government doesn't want you knowing the cures of cancer. You go, no, no, no, no, right? It's because, come here, come here. It's because rats aren't the same as your gran, you thick cunt. You absolute fucking moron, right? It's because,

right, surprisingly, something that's two inches tall and a human being that can fly and invent a plane are different animals. Invent fly. Invent fly a plane. No, we did both. We invented the plane and we can fly a plane. We've got the full range of what human beings are fucking capable of.

It blows my mind. People who don't understand science. Yeah, we're much more of a complex being than they are. I include myself in that list but here's what happens when I learn about science right it's like go away

and I try and learn it I go fuck I've got more questions right and I go right I'm going to have to answer all those questions and I write down all my books

all my notes and then I have to download five more books and then I read one of those books and you know what I've got another fucking five books to read as opposed to

Elliot Steele Matt Gaddick Tom Horne one documentary all that information in my head I am Jesus reincarnated yes fucking five books to read. As opposed to Elliot Steele, Matt Gatling, Tom Horne, one documentary, all that information in my head, I am Jesus reincarnate. Yes, I have set my opinion on this thing now and you will not break any of this opinion.

Thank God somebody did a documentary about my opinion that I could just have instantly. Thank you, world. And now everybody please go on Wait But Why, read the story of us and work out how they ended up being that way

because it totally explains how that thinking operates. Gwylch y stori o ni a gwneud gwaith am sut ydyn nhw wedi dod i fod yn y ffordd honno oherwydd mae'n cymryd i ddangos sut mae'r meddyliad hynny'n gweithio. Ac wrth gwrs, cwylch ymlaen â ni ar Twitter. Dwi'n edrych ar eich gweld chi. Rwy'n eich caru i chi i gyd. Diolch.