Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.4 Dad's had a Shandy

Episode Date: October 10, 2018

It's a drunkcast. The flaw in having a show that is promised to be released at a specific time is that if it hasn't been recorded by the due date and they happen to get drunk on the evening before its release... then there is no alternative than to record it drunk. Listen at your own peril. You get what you pay for.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats?

That's hack Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11? This is Muggins.

Welcome to Sloss and Humphries on the Road. I'm starting the podcast without letting Daniel know I'm starting it. I'm here. Just to see how he reacts. I'm here. Where's the vodka? Because we are drunk in my opinion. I mean, Daniel. No.

I mean, I. But no. So we're in Timișoara which is in Romania is that how you say it Tiramisu

no not Tiramisu Timișoara Timișoara Timișoara Timișoara which is in the west of Romania

sure it's in Romania I think this is the it's in Romania. I think this is the... It's in the west of Russia. This is the far... It's ex-Russian. It's Putin-free. Which brings you on to the next topic.

Putin-free is the perfect way to describe all ex-Soviet states. Estonia's Putin-free. Lithuania's Putin-free. Ukraine's Putin-free. What's a bit Putin-free? You might show yourself. It's Putin-free.

He's rolling with it. Yeah, so this is the furthest east we've been on tour. I mean, obviously... We think. Obviously, we've been in Australia. That's kind of the furthest east we've been on tour. I mean, obviously... We think. Obviously, we've been in Australia. That's kind of the furthest east. You know Australia is south. You fucking retard.

Hold on, hold on. You've got the series eyes on. You think that's a legit comeback? You do know that you could distance whichever direction you go in, north, south, east, west, or anywhere in between, you're going to reach Australia

at the same fucking pace. Not at the same place. At the same fucking pace it's literally not at the same place at the same pace like it's literally the opposite side of the planet Romania's not no no no hold on hold on

we're talking about Australia don't leave Australia I've got evidence here that we're talking about you said you do know Australia's south yeah

is what you said yeah but you do know it's every single direction the same amount of miles until you get there well so when I was making a reference to this is the furthest east we've been it's every single direction, the same amount of miles until you get there. Well... So when I was making a reference to

this is the furthest east we've been, and I made a joke saying if we carried on going east, we'd reach Australia. No, it depends on whether you consider the middle of Australia, Australia, which I don't. This is fun for me, by the way, as it is for you listening.

No, no, no, no. I don't consider the middle of Australia, Australia, because it's not, because nobody lives there. And I also don't consider Perth, Australia. Talk yourself out of this. Do you know a little fact about Perth? Is the question... Buzz is the answer...

He touched his nose when he buzzed. Yeah. Is the answer to the question the worst first world city in the world, Perth? Perth's all right. Nope. It's the furthest the audiences agree

but as a city Perth is the worst first world city in the world I mean I guess if you don't like

congestion sorry if you do like congestion because it's the least congested city there's not like there's just not like a fucking

because yeah it's a city that it's a city that's got the correct population no no There's just not like a fucking... Because what? It's a city that's got the correct population. No, no, no. But you just love it when there's just way more people. The only reason Perth doesn't have traffic is because every morning, everyone that lives in Perth

looks at a rope and goes, maybe today. But why though? Because it's the worst... It's not a fucking beautiful stretch of coast. The climate's amazing. Yeah, it is. Perth audiences

are the best are genuinely one of the best in the world I will say that the Perth Australia audience is one of the best

in the world that is the worst city I've ever been oh my god the food's good mainly because it's Asian nope nope

there's so many nice tasty reasonably Perth is Australia is shit for the following reasons it's good for many other reasons

but you didn't come on this podcast for positivity that's how it's shanty Australia has these horrific lockout laws when it comes to

booze when it comes to drinking coming from Scotland no no no exactly no no but exactly to prove my point just for the podcast listeners Scotland when it comes to drinking. Coming from Scotland? No, no, no. Exactly. No, no.

But exactly. It's a good point. Just for the podcast listeners, Scotland stopped serving alcohol in Asda or any shop at 10pm. But they start at 10am?

Surely it's the people buying booze at 10am that are the problem, not the people that are buying booze at midnight when you're supposed to be. I fully agree.

I fully agree. So tell me about Australia's lockout laws. So in Sydney, you can only drink in certain fucking places. They shut places so early and you think it's barbaric.

And then you go to Perth. Me and Andrew Maxwell, not Netflix, it's Andrew Maxwell, we went to a bar in Perth on a Friday night and we did a gig. It was about 10.30 at night. We'd both come off stage, we went to a bar in Perth on a Friday night and we did a gig

it was about 10.30 at night we'd both come off stage went to a bar and we walked in and the guy was like have you two been drinking? and we were like yes

of course we have it's 10.30 on a Friday night I'm at your nightclub I'm not going to come here sober what kind of fucking creep does that? it wasn't even a fucking nightclub it was just a fucking bar me and Max

he goes have you been drinking? we were like like yeah he goes i'm not comfortable serving you and we were like but why would you save me at the dormant yeah but why like we both turned up here we're having a conversation with you like i'm never gonna lie to you but he's drunk as you are now no nowhere near we'll get on to that in second. And so he made us both drink a pint of water. He was like, don't go, don't start with me here. This guy.

And that's part of the main... I want to be friends with the guy that forced you and Maxwell to drink water outside of a nightclub. That's why Parth... You wanted me. That's why Parth,

to me, again, one of my favourite places in Australia to gig, but as I say in the the scum of Perth and I will call you scum until you fucking

change shit so just to give you a little just so you know what's happening in the visual world of the podcast Danny has just started

working for the minibar just look in my room right so let's go through why we won the minibar so we are in Timisoara

which is Romania and every gig we've had so far on the tour has been exceptional from top to bottom from

organisers like the person that picks you up is like a guy in a suit holding up your fucking name on the board we are spoiled we are being

trapped like kings we're getting took to all the best restaurants we get the venue the venue is fucking the top class elite venues with the best sound systems and the fucking... We're spoiled. So everywhere we go, we're spoiled rotten.

This is five years of touring. We come out to Missouri Airport. And FYI, just to Bucharest Airport, if all of y'all fancy killing yourself all of y'all that was the second time we've been to Bucharest Airport and had problems

all the way through the worst I would argue the worst airport we've ever been to is Bucharest Airport it's the signage like

you don't know where you're going man it's like it's like licking out an 18 year old she'll give you directions but she don't know where you're going man it's like it's like licking out an 18 year old she'll give you directions but she doesn't know

where she's going I'm so sorry that's so bad I'm so awful I'm so sorry that was I'm not gonna apologize you're an 18 year old girl right

no I'm not sexist I'll look out anyone regardless of gender age specifically but not gender I'm a monster but I'm not a pedo

I hope it's too much well that's where I get most of my advertising from so you segued about three times no you interrupted

don't worry no no no I'll let you fly baby and to new podcast listeners we apologise for the to the to the OG listeners you're used to this

yeah yeah OG listeners you know what's up you were there in Amsterdam yeah OG listeners you know what this up you were there in Amsterdam OG listeners you know what this episode is to new listeners

me and Kai are drunk and high and we still record podcasts because fuck you it's free alright so people are listening to this

on their commute when they're not drunk they're not on the same frequency let's try and let's try and get us some time I'll lead on record I'll just say if you're driving in a car and you're not on the same frequency let's try and let's try and get us on track I'll lead

no no on record I'll just say if you're driving a car and you're not drunk you're a pussy right so I'll get us back on track

so we turn up to the venue tonight in Tiramisu let's call it Tiramisu no Timisora

Timishore Timishore Timishore so we turn up to the gate for soundcheck. Timmy Shora, the brother of... I'm leaving the dance. Are you?

I mean, yes. So we turn up in the venue for soundcheck. And the venue's already full of people having dinner. So we just essentially turn up to a restaurant and we look around and we're like, oh shit, is this the gig? You see the stage and you see the sound booth and everything.

And there was no mic stand, there was no sound technician, there was no mic because the wireless mic didn't work, but the venue had a There was no atmosphere, there was no blinds,

like this was an open window venue. It was on a glass glass wall so it wasn't quite the crack of sunset yet the crack of sunset for somebody can you drink this

oh this by the way is some homemade rice flavoured alcohol rice fermented can you ferment rice

it's it's fucking wonderful if you could and it was made in a bathtub by Ramin anyway I'm going to stay on track so we turn around because it's late no you can't I want to made in a bathtub by Ramin anyway I'm going to stay on track so we turn up

because it's late no you can't I want to go to the glass I will drink it the glass wall of the venue which women can get through by the way

the glass ceiling they can get through the glass wall the glass ceiling no I don't know so you can hear every car that drove by were like

oh this gig's going to suck right we just thought this gig's going to because we've been spoiled every day as being a fucking sweet ass venue like we've had jimmy carr and stuff in the past like we've had two shows and we're like this time we're on the frontier this is the

first comedy gig we've done they don't even know about mike stands and uh we're like this gig's gonna suck and then get on stage and it was like one of the best we were it was like we were chris rock when we walked out and they just went were Chris Rock when we walked out and we just fucking went nuts yeah because when we walked out they thought we were black and they booed I said blood

that's why I fucked that bit up yeah like I nearly did a bit of his routine about loving black people but then I realised to finish the routine I have to say

that that word n-word naughty word the naughty word and that's what the n-word stands for is... Naughty word. The naughty word.

So another thing... No, I'll do this one. So at the venue tonight, as the OG podcast listeners will know, Cream, a.k.a. me, a.k.a. Tango Sloss, a.k.a. Netflix's Tango Sloss, recently found out that he was gluten intolerant. So it turns out

our psycho agent has put on every rider we have that I'm gluten intolerant oh you're telling the story backwards man I am reveal that afterwards

well basically no no no you tell it you tell it you tell it so we do the gig we meet all the glorious fans

in Tiramisu and catching on we get stoned with Vlad the inhaler because he was that asthmatic all the glorious fans in Tiramisu and catching on we get stoned with Vlad the inhaler because he was

asthmatic Vlad Ares and Lana his name wasn't Ares no it was Eris

but I remembered it as Ares because of the Greek goddess so we end up drinking with all these cunts

and at one point while we're having a laugh some girl comes up to Kai Natalie's ringing should we put her on the podcast fuck it

I'm going in Natalie hello hi you're on the podcast you're on the podcast oh no yeah

I tried ringing you before the podcast but then you rang tried ringing you before the podcast but then you rang so can you do more of an Indian voice so everyone recognises you she hung up my wife just hung up on us

well well single now and also and also that was a very powerful moment for her because I made one of the

thousand racist jokes I've made to her over the past seven years and that was the first time she's ever ignored it and now I just look racist

oh yeah oh yeah I didn't even consider that and he just went well he's just call it Indian which is from Oman exactly

which is the entire point of the joke but really she hung up because she was like I mean fuck broadcasting live exactly exactly but to some of these fucking morons what happened was Which is the entire point of the joke. But really she hung up because she was like, I mean, fuck broadcasting live. Exactly. But to some of these fucking morons, what happened was,

I made my first ever racist joke, and this... One of many. Aye. He did a racist joke on the beach on my wedding. Of one? Well, this specific one. He said, Natalie, this is the...

Oh, no, don't. I mean, do it, obviously. You only want a beach wedding, so you can be in the sand. Wait, wait, Natalie, this is the... Oh, no, don't. I mean, do it, obviously. You only want a beach wedding so you can be near sand. Wait, wait, wait, wait. In case you get hungry. I think that's what Arabic people do for food. No, right. Okay. I mean, you get a truth.

In my prison sentence, yes, I did say that, but in my defence, the only reason I made the eating sign joke is because that's a joke you and natalie had both made ah throw me under the bus and her well she's not under the bus she's on it because she's bombing it i'm so sorry she's with the back of it don't recommend this podcast anyway so

we're fucking drinking in this place and what someone comes up to us and look sometimes we get gifts on tour which we do appreciate

we're drinking the fucking weird ass bath vodka we got now we've smoked some of the glorious weed we've been

giving on tour Natalie's just text one of the other gifts Natalie's just text all block capitals. Vomit all down my sweater. So there's vomit on my sweater already. On the spaghetti.

On the spaghetti. I think that means she didn't want to be on the podcast. So, Natalie got stage fright through a phone like a bitch. And the reason I consider... Hold on, hold on. Oh yeah, ha ha. Sorry, ha ha ha. I panicked. Vomit all down my sweater. hold on oh yeah haha sorry hahaha

I panicked so we know for a fact that when this comes out tomorrow which is Thursday Natalie's also going to listen

to this so sorry to the other 7.5 million pod killers that we have but just to Natalie alone you're a little

bitch and you know you are and next time you call in maybe don't be such a little bitch about it can you are and next time you call in maybe don't be such a little bitch about it. Can I talk about my wife

like that please? Two questions. One, what the fuck are you going to do about it? Two, what the fuck is she going to do about it?

And I put that in order because I'm more scared of her than I am of you. Do you know Natalie is the only Humphreys with a degree? Yeah. Did she actually

take your second name? Well, I haven't done any of the paperwork yeah because aye and did she just make it is she just like oh it's in the mail

nah she just can't be bothered I can imagine man if I had to take Humphreys as a second name I also couldn't be bothered like she wants to but she

does she does she does she or are you an idiot she just doesn't want to go to DVLA yeah immigration

no she doesn't want to go to DVLA. Yeah, and... Immigration. No, she doesn't want to go to DVLA and then with her own mouth say the words, I'm a Humphreys. Like, the reason she doesn't want to go through with it isn't because of the whole rigmarole. It's because saying the words,

I'm a Humphreys, unless you're Kev, Linda, Gav... Justine. Or Justine, thank you. Then, you little bitch. That just leaves me. Well. I don't know what you're getting at.

So we were in the venue tonight, and we're doing hugs and photos and... Oh, yeah. So one of the fucking... So some random person... We get gifts all the time. So this random person... Like the alcohol we're drinking now.

Yes. This is schnapps. This is apricot schnapps made in a bath so we're used to gifts that he was still in by the looks of the toenail clippings

in the bottom so they so someone comes up to me a girl comes up to me and goes hey here's some gluten bread

here's some gluten bread gluten free bread because we know how much you like gluten bread so I obviously immediately assume that she's a fan

of the podcast and she's rightfully murking it absolutely rightfully so this podcast is all about verbal abuse

to everyone and anyone if a podcast fan comes up to me and I mean it can't just be abuse but it's going to be

obvious abuse so when she was making fun of me she was like here's your gluten and you were like fuck you fuck off

screw me in the face fuck you the Fuck you, screaming in her face. The same way I would react if she come up and give me a pickle. Exactly. So because this is a podcast, you just assume that you all know how bad it works. You can say anything. And this isn't us getting big-headed. People come to us after every show and they know us from the podcast. Yes.

Like from pre-Netflix. Pre-Netflix. We've got fans everywhere that sort of just make fun of us so I just assumed that this person

buying me gluten free food it's just like someone shouting Linda Linda exactly Linda we've got a tweet saying

we don't shout Linda enough on the new series well do you know what it says Linda Linda so I just assumed it was that

and then shortly five minutes later I found out that she's not that. Turns out being gluten-free is now on my rider. Because of my agent, without telling us, said any snacks backstage would have to be gluten-free because of this bellend. I'm pointing at Daniel. Yeah. So this lovely woman had gone out of her fucking way.

So this is how we discovered it. We discovered it like this, right? So you showed all the fuck-offs in her face, right? And then she went to give the gluten bread to me. And I was like, oh, thank you. And then I realized that even the fan of the podcast giving us the gluten-free bread, she went and thought about where to buy it

so she could deliver this joke. And you kind of jokingly pied her, but still continued to pied her so so when when I was like when she handed me it going well you give it to him I was like oh Danny she got you a gift as a joke like at least give her some love and you give her a hug and like give her a gift and she went I don't buy it as a gift it's on your list and that's when we realized she was from the venue and she was on the rider to get gluten free bread. So she went out to get gluten free bread based on strict instructions

from your fucking management team. And then when she had it there, you just went, no context, because she doesn't listen to the podcast. You just went, fuck off with your gluten. How dare you accuse me of such an abomination

yes do you have any mungo corners because I feel like we've not I've got at least yeah I've got one like just off the top

of my head right well in that case you've got yours written down I do because let me in that case let me remember yours and I'll explain to

because we've got obviously OG listeners but OG listeners you're out now outnumbered two to one. So make yourself known. And you remember all the old jokes, OG listeners. You're the OG listeners.

You know the game. To the new listeners, hey, ignore what I just said about the OG listeners. Fuck those nerds. This is the beginning. Dweebs. Fucking Trekkies. All right. those nerds since the beginning

dweebs fucking trekkies alright for the new listeners I can't believe we've retained listeners I can't believe for the sake of it

one of them is very good at making cakes and the other one's a giant queer we'll do them actually three are two OG listeners no

no the one that makes cakes Nicky Gibson Nicky Gibson and the three Jonathans and originally there were two Jonathans who were the gay Jonathans

we did talk about this we did and then the third gay Jonathan turned up with his fucking infinity gauntlet and tried to click the other two

and you know what because we've seen most recent gay Jonathan recently but here's what I'm hoping because as well I text lone gay most recent gay Jonathan recently, but here's what I'm hoping, because... Yes, well,

I text Lauren Gay Jonathan. Lauren Gay Jonathan. Yeah. Yeah. But the other two, they just comment on Facebook stuff about me.

Yeah, yeah. So what I'm hoping for is when we do New York next year, hopefully... We'll get the Holy Trinity of Jonathan. Man, if the three... I'm a step ahead.

Man, if the... I'm a step ahead. When... Duo Jonathan, one of the duo, not Lauren Jonathan. Okay. When he commented, I'm a step ahead I'm a step ahead when duo Jonathan one of the duo not lone Jonathan okay when he commented

saying I come to New York anytime soon I DM'd him saying that I was but I'm not allowed to tell anyone so this is fucking this is ridiculous

to be talking about on the podcast because I shouldn't be mentioning it I do do but when I said to him I was coming at this date I'm going to perform

on this date February February the 9th 17th and 9th in New York. I'm not allowed to mention it, but you've got us drunk. When I mentioned that I was coming there, he said he was in Miami on them dates. So we can't get the Holy Trinity of Gabe Jonathan's. Look, I don't wanna use stereotypes,

even though I find stereotypes funny, especially when using the context of stereotypes, and then there's nothing wrong with that it or just when you're mocking Natalie exactly that dirty dirty June bitch wow well on my way

and I've said so much worse to her face but when it comes to that I like stereotypes when it's used in the form of banner if we get the three gay Jonathans together I don't want to

overshoot this but some kind some kind of like no I honestly reckon we can reverse global warming look if two if two gays

imagine the weather if two gays could make a rainbow if we get three together global warming's done it may cause the apocalypse though alright alright

fucking you Catholic motherfucker. That's how I'm getting at it, though. That's the American way of thinking. Why are they... Causes tornadoes. Aye. Well, I guess...

I reckon if we get the three Jonathans together, that is the end of global warming. Because... We started human centipede four. Well, there's only three of them. So why would there be four? No, it's number four. Human centipede four? there were only 3 of them so why would there be 4 no it's number 4 the human

centipede 4 no no you don't understand in Terminator 4 there wasn't 4 terminators that's not how

it works I'm not like you I didn't know there was 2 sequels to the human centipede movies like I just took a punt

I'm going to be honest but if I'm right I've got a couple of answers like I just took a punt I'm going to be honest but if I'm right I've got to I've got to come up with answers oh Muggles that was it right

so to the new listeners we do a game every night again called Muggle Corner now Muggle is a term in the Harry Potter universe used for people who like magic it's also a term that me and Kai

and all of our regular listeners choose to use for people who like magic it's also a term that me and kai and all of our regular listeners choose to use for people who also like magic now it's not necessarily an insult we're all capable and guilty of doing muggle things uh often so for example muggles queue at airports for the actual boarding gate even though you have seats muggles have love love live signs at home but much like if you sprinkle

when you tingle please be neat and wave the seat muggle there's so many muggle things they're not aggressive they're not horrible they're not dangerous

but deep down we're all guilty because muggles also do calls on facebook muggles also make ironic comments. You know it's their call?

Yeah. You know it's their call? There's so many Muggles. If you're reading this message, that means you're... Muggles vape. Muggles vape. I'm vaping right now. Muggles vape.

Muggles is not necessarily a derogatory term. We're all Muggles at some point. But if you fall under the 50% Muggle mark, we are cool. But every time we do this section if you are guilty of the muggle thing you have to stand in muggle corner which is any corner within your room for 30 fucking seconds

so my muggle corner is anyone who if you're talking about anything online any celebrity online people that go who? oh shit if you're talking about anything online, any celebrity online, people that go, who? Oh, shit. So, here's what I...

A few people have done that when you put out you and Conor McGregor. People reply going, I don't know who that is, but well, don't know. But it's... Oh, yeah, celebrating ignorance. Yeah, people celebrating ignorance.

But it's gone the opposite. Wait, wait. So the first time we saw it, as you said, was full up of us and Conor McGregor. And they're like who's that I've never heard of that person

I don't give a shit but I did Jim Norton's podcast radio show the other day and he did a tweet about it

and he went like today on the show we've got the guest Daniel Sloss and at least 16 people commented who

and it's like oh it happened to you yeah and I was just on the other side I'm going listen And at least 16 people commented, who? It's like... Oh, it happened to you? Yeah. And I was just... And on the other side, I'm going, listen. Like, when someone says, up next, we've got this person, and you go, who? It's like, you've... You've just heard.

You've missed the entire point of what an interview is. Does that mean every time you discover somebody in your life, you shout who the first time you discover them? Yeah. So like... So your dad was an asshole and your mum was an owl. That's all I can work out from you as a person. So look at this way, right? I've been a fan of Eminem since I was in fucking school, right? Like it helped us through my teenage dance. Since he was in Eminem.

In Eminem. K and K, what can I say about it? Because that's... I don't know where you're going with that but so I've been a fan of him for a long time right but does that mean when I fucking

first heard him I went who? yeah like a cocky like all knowing huh? like this

that guy for some reason now we live in a world where there is pride and ignorance if you don't know someone if you don't know something or someone show interest show interest in knowing who they are don't know someone, if you don't know something or someone,

it's often known who they are. Don't short dismiss. No, no, but that's what I mean. The pride is, if you don't know someone, it's cool to not know what something is. In most ways. Even politically.

Like, people will be like, oh, so what's this Brett Kavanaugh thing? And you're like, please listen to the Brett Kavanaugh thing because this is a huge turning point in history and this is all awful. Like, people listen to the Brett Kavanaugh thing because this is a huge turning point in history and this is all awful. Like, people are now... We celebrated ignorance because it used to be funny,

but now we're doing it in such a way that it's genuinely damaging. But people don't know it's genuinely damaging because they're stupid cunts that listen to this podcast. And everybody wants to feel better about themselves. So, like, if you don't know who they are and you feel insecure because you're like

oh everyone's talking about them like then you can just act fucking macho whether you're a man or a woman you can ask macho

act macho and go who? I don't care who that person is you're interested in stuff that doesn't interest me

like hey if somebody likes it it might be good if somebody knows if somebody knows more about something than you know, talk to them. Yeah.

Don't just... We live in a fucking... Again, I said this on the Bert Kreiser podcast. We live in a world now where, for some fucking reason, where you disagree with someone, that's the end of your friendship. Now, you and I disagree on,

let's say, 40% of things. Ah. We're mostly the same, but when it comes to the trivial shit, we disagree. None of the little things we disagree... In fact, none of the big things we disagree about is ever going to come between us.

But sadly, when you're online, for some reason, if somebody disagrees with you on one thing... They can't have a civil conversation about it. They can't have it, because you're Christian, you can't have it with the Trinity characters but that's where the divide's coming in

is because you're now making people have discussions in 280 characters whereas most of the time all that discussion takes is you going I think this

and somebody just because you can't put a look into a Twitter discussion you know how many times I've said I say emojis are good but emojis can really set it up. No, no, no, emojis can't set...

Emojis can do damage limitation. If you say something and you're not sure whether it's perceived as a joke, you can counteract it. But emojis can be used actual mid-argument. So you know if somebody comments on a status and you reply to that comment with something contradictory to what they say. And you're like, oh, what if they don't get I'm being sarcastic? What if they don't get that I'm just being provocative with a reply?

So then if you put a laugh response rather than a like, put a laugh to theirs and then your response, it really softens your response. It's like a facial expression or a tone of voice. It's a form of empathy that we lack online. No, but with, this sounds ridiculous coming from a 35-year-old man,

but with emojis... Man. Sorry, 35-year-old. But I think with emojis you can really fucking tone your message. You can really put a nice touch on your message. I think you emojis you can really fucking tone your message you can really put the best touch on your message I think you can at the end

but I think like look most of you and I's banner is based on understanding a lot of our banner

is based on I'm going to say the worst thing possible because that's funny there are people in the world that have horrific opinions this is why you're fearful of your whatsapp conversation getting screen capped because you know the tone of what you're saying is going to get interpreted as like you've been you've been purposefully dark like to your friends in your whatsapp group you've been purposefully

dark person person like you're trying to cross the line but just enough to make a mate shocked right but what makes a mate shocked takes a lot less than what makes any just person

that doesn't know you shocked so if anybody else sees that that's a massive stretch over their line just for you to get an inch over

your friend's line yeah right especially amongst comedians so we make the worst fucking jokes as we always do because they're always the fucking funniest

and if any of those were to get leaked into context I couldn't justify half the thing even during your best man speech I can't justify 30% of what I said you're playing like the parents

like which our parents like listen to the podcast right but other people's parents Natalie's parents and stuff they don't know that

like form of banter and it seems fucking corny using that word which is banter but when if they hear that

they're not tuning in to it as much so you have to show a little bit of restraint yeah there's got to be a sugar coat some stuff yeah people that don't know comedy

especially so difficult thing was obviously you and I have been friends for about nine ten years me and Natalie have been friends for six seven years as long as me and Natalie have known each other we've met on the same day yeah yeah so best man one yeah hear that Matty Matty Canning

did you hear that best man number one this is for no one else other than Matthew Canning you fucking heard it best man number one this is for no one else other than Matthew Canning you fucking heard it best man number one suck my dick I mean

I said the best man one meaning meeting you on the same day no Matt you know what you heard you house buying little bitch

are you going to fill people in or just leave that for the OG's OG's OG's actually don't even OG's you just need to start listening from number one of this no no no just leave that for the OGs OGs OGs actually don't even need an OG you just need to

start listening from number one of this yeah no no no I got respect to the OGs because the OGs and this is actually

a perfect time to bring this up even to new listeners so to the OGs and the news we do have badges mate we spoke about it

for two fucking seasons of this podcast we were going to get Team Muggins which is Kai's name Muggins

and Team Cream which is my name Team Daniel Team Cream we're going to get shirts made we're going to do something made

we've got to fit our own fucking boxes in our bag but we got we couldn't afford merch because we didn't know afford it

well afford the travel of it yeah I was going to say we couldn't cater for it well afford the travel of it yeah I was going to say we couldn't we couldn't cater for it yeah so we got badges

we found out people in Europe call them buttons yeah so we have on tour badges made buttons made I have

400 team cream things made which is the podcast logo with Kai's face on top Muggins Kai has the podcast logo with Kai's face now in town. Muggins,

Kai has... The podcast logo with Daniel's face with a red cross through it. Hashtag Team Muggins. If you want these badges,

at the end of the show when we do the hugs, come up to us and either say Team Muggins or Team Cream. If you say Team Muggins

or Team Cream, we will... I mean, 30% likely give you free. It depends where we are. Basically, we're giving them up for a euro each. Or what the equivalent of a euro is. But if we're in a place like, say, if we're in Norway, where they've got Cronas, and we're not going to be there for very long,

we don't want the currency, so we'll not even announce it, so only the podcast listeners will come up. If you're the podcast listener, wherever you are, if you say team Muggins or team Cream to one of us, we'll make sure you get the back. But the rule is,

if we're selling them for a euro each, that's the amount we've got to spend at the bar. Yeah. So let's say we sell... We're not going to bang it. We're just going to get drunk in your city. Let's say we sell 21 things in a going to bang it. We're just going to get drunk in your city. Let's say we sell 21 things in a night. We've got to spend 21 euros.

So if we're in Sweden, that's one drink. If we're in Poland, that's a fucking good night out. Yeah, but me and Kai just got a mortgage together now that we're in Romania. Bye, Natalie. Bye. I would say something racist, but I just don't think the listeners are attuned

to how racist I am if anyone's still listening at this point that's a good point I don't think it's as bad as the Amsterdam podcast because we look

to the new listeners not for me we do a lot of drunk podcasts together and this will continue this is not a professional podcast this podcast exists purely because of the fact

that we're on the road we want to talk and some of you enjoy the shit we talk don't hold us accountable to any of this let's give them some content so in Muggle Corner I've got one

my one was given to me by Ricketts Ricketts which by the way Ricketts hosted the ceremony of my wedding and he was fucking remarkable. Him and Pippa. And Pippa, like, rewrote the script to be, I think we mentioned this on episode one, but every time they mentioned you, like, Daniel, could you pass the ring, Natalie?

Whatever the fuck the word, did it? Ricketts, who is one of the most... Could Netflix's Daniel Sloss please hand Natalie the ring to the whole ceremony? Ricketts, who is one... I mean, Pippa doing mean Pippa Dungan Pippa is genuinely one of the most she's born for it

yeah she's born she's a performer she's what are they called Ricketts who I love dearly is a natural performer he's a big character

the master of ceremonies like there's a bunch of comedians I could have asked right but as a master of ceremonies someone who can hold a room and be serious

while putting subtle jokes in it he was the man he was the man but for some reason this man who I've known for nine years who's the funniest person one of the funniest people I know

for some reason got nervous I kept saying don't fuck it up that's the thing if you show weakness around us we'll attack it because that's how you get rid of weakness I said it right I don't wait for them to make me get away. If you show weakness around us, we'll attack it because that's how you get rid of weakness. I said it right.

I don't know if you know how chemotherapy works or any antibiotics, but what antibiotics do is you put a little bit of the disease in to make your body react to it better. That's what meningitis is. And then it develops an immunity. Yeah, so you put a little bit of meningitis in

and then your body learns how... It's not a cure for meningitis. You put a little bit of meningitis in... And your body reacts. Body reacts. So that's how I deal with anxiety. If you think your anxiety is going to give you anxiety, what I'll do is I'll give you the most amount of anxiety.

And then when your anxiety turns out, you're going to be like, well, this is a piece of piss compared to what Slosh just put me through and I know there's psychologists listening that's dangerous

that's whatever well why don't you make your own fucking podcast you dweebs stop showing it to Meg so even though even though he got like nervous about it

like he dealt with it he nailed it and then nailed it there was the bit at the end right so like he just everything was sentimental with a couple of little jokes in. Just enough for it to be not a comedy wedding, not a parody wedding, but fun.

I mean, you can say it wasn't a parody wedding, but you married a beautiful woman, so it's obviously a parody wedding. I'm living in an alternative universe. It's quality. Man, I don't know what you did in your previous life but I know what Natalie did in her previous life and that was she was Hitler

because the only way Natalie ends up with you is if she killed so many Jews would I make her have such a nice life? force her just you had a good previous life Natalie

was clearly Mother Teresa or something awful oh what's that Mother Teresa was awful yes that's right listeners Mother Teresa

was one of the worst Google it you've got Google she's one of the worst human beings that ever existed she exalted an orgasm

well not orgasm exalted exalted I don't know if that's the right word no it's definitely not she took pleasure in pain she believed God could heal anything Mother Teresa was one of the worst

serial killers that's not considered a serial killer serial killers in the world research that this is a wild accusation it's not true no it is I've heard this too

but Ricketts give me a good idea also Ricketts his actual name is I've heard this too but Ricketts give me a good idea for a mugger corner also Ricketts his actual name is Craig Adam but we call him Ricketts because his knees are weird

so yeah he gave me the mugger corner he was behind a car the other day and it had a a sticker of a tiger on it and the tiger's tail

was the back wiper and the wiper was going I mean even though it wasn't raining the wiper went so it wiped the tail Tiger's tail was the back white bat and the white bat was going I mean even though it wasn't raining the white bat went

so it wound the tail apparently this is a thing now this is actually a thing this is one thing I'll say to that

already that is absolutely a muggle corner but I also would absolutely have that on my car you had you had

eyelashes I've had eyelashes on my car. On the headlights of your Ford car. It's smugly. I'll admit it's smugly. I'm in the corner. I'm in there for 30 seconds.

But I didn't know that existed until you just told me. Are you telling me? Are you telling me? Dude. There is a... No, no, listen. Is there a Charizard cutout that I can get for the back screen of my car with the tail? Oh, no, you know what would be better?

Squirtle. Because he's got a squirty tail. Pokemon fans are going to be loving it. But if I get Squirtle, you don't know this. You're 47. None of this makes sense to you. Dude, how do women sleep with you at night? Oh.

How do you sleep with yourself at night? I don't sleep with... How does anybody sleep with you at night? You're definitely sleep with... How does anybody sleep with you at night? You're definitely a daytime fucker. No, I wasn't at gym sex. So much so that I've got my songs. Sing one. Little doggy, little doggy.

That's just my pep talk for myself. That's the name of your cock. Because of its breath. that's the name of your cock because of it's breath so Muggle Corner Muggle Corner what's your one windscreen wipers that are tails of animals 100% in

but to anyone who has that I'm in the corner with you because those are cool as shit in all this stuff Muggle Corner people who go, who's that? Whenever someone's named,

like if Daniel's mentioned, they go, who's that? You're in muggle corner and I'm in muggle corner with you. Right, let's cut this one short. Have you got the tour book?

Oh, perfect, there. We'll cut this one short. Just because we're fucking steaming and we're fucking steaming and we're not going to

we we we're not in France until next week right so here are the upcoming

dates by the time this comes out we are in Bucharest sold out Constanta Friday 12th

at the racing club Saturday 13th we're in Prague you know G-Tip is replacing Kyven

I'm going to the Brucey wedding yeah on Monday we're in Vienna Vienna you are not sold out what the fuck

okay maybe it's because we doubled the venue size but also you all had friends so stop being fucking nerds also to

I still can't remember I know Mo whoever brings us to Weedon Vienna please get in contact the Sluss Express

yeah Sluss Express those guys and gals if you're those ones in Vienna please get in contact with me on Facebook

Instagram or Twitter because we do want to hang out because you're the best. And then we are in Bratislava at the Hangout. And by that point, you can just tune in on Monday and find out. So regardless, let's do Wednesday. We're in Warsaw, Warsaw, the...

Whatever word that is. And then Paris is sold out. So go on the website. Also, I should do a little public server announcement. If the dates you buy tickets for are not on my website or Live Nation turns out some

fucking dweebs are faking shit so don't fall for those scam websites also not everyone gets produced by Netflix

so if you want to find my special it's on a dark corner of the internet called www.kaihumphreys.com and in the shop section you can download my show

right also use the discount code Muggins M-U-G-G-I-N-S and you'll get money off we're gonna we're gonna like really hang some shit

on each other's dads right now but you go first because I'm still in front of him your dad got pinced by Maddy my dad Maddy hold on my of him your dad got pinced by Matty Matty Matty hold on

my dad's dead you got pinced the artist fully known as Pince your dad calls shrimp faggots of the sea

do shrimp have pincers what no ask Matty what does mum your dad wet dreams when he's daydreaming

your dad does the when he's daydreaming your dad does the alphabet on his fingers your dad give me a cat a hickey your dad doesn't sleepwalk he moonwalks

he wakes up at 3am and molests you until he's tired I don't know what this says I don't understand my own handwriting and it's in text on my phone

I genuinely don't know what it says I'm going to skip the next one your dad was on free school dinners your dad drops it like it's tepid. Your dad can lick his own eyeball. And he does.

Your dad's shotgun's Heinz soup cans. Or still. Your dad is in the Guinness Book of World Records for arm wrestling himself for 48 hours. Your dad has a 50 metre restraining order from pumpkins. Oh, right, on Halloween as well. It's going to be a rough couple of weeks. Devastating time for him, but not as bad as it is for the pumpkins.

Whenever your dad asks for the usual anywhere, like at a bar or a restaurant or something, he gets thrown out. Your dad wears a training bra while driving an automatic. Your dad changed his name on Facebook because of a recent search in fame. That was my mum!

That's funny! My mum just did that! She changed her name and went, in fame that was my mum that's funny my mum just did that she changed her name and oh there's too many people getting switched

there is Lesley Sloss is the queen and I'll never hear her again she changed her name on Facebook that's also

a dad joke Adam Muggles Adam Muggles the only the only you did it the only fucking reason

nobody's typing your mum's name into Facebook is because they're just typing fucking reason nobody's typing your mum's name into Facebook is because they're just typing the words Linda did anybody type your mum's name into Facebook

yes they did she's a very famous and gorgeous woman yeah gorgeous but mate man like people don't like getting in touch

but they are going via my mum but normally they get in touch and your mum texts them on hold it but not until this level like your mum has always responded to people who get in touch and your mum texts them on hold it but not until this level your mum has always

responded to people who get in touch but she can't do it to this fucking interview she's going to have to lose stuff David oh here it comes

dad says shandy your dad where's oh no sorry don't know your mum says shandy oh could you grow up your dad where's oh no sorry don't know your mom oh could you

grow up like honestly right you know imagine this imagine this scenario imagine like

like one of your fucking YouTube videos went viral right no I can't imagine I'm not

going to get on TV but then your mom just went oh fuck up no I'm sorry.

Are you comparing... Are you comparing... Are you comparing... Fuck off. Are you comparing... Are you comparing one of your fucking subtitled YouTube films to Netflix? Absolutely second date.

No, but like, if millions of people started watching your stuff, like, to be honest, I've had a lot of fucking people get in touch because you've done well. Aye. Why can't I fucking change my name

on Facebook? It's because I've seen your wife. I don't know. I understood when he did it. You know what I mean? You're just trying to put a filter on it. You know what I mean? I went, your ma's a muggle

your ma's a muggle right okay first off first off first off my mother is absolutely a muggle second of all not for this reason

if your dad did it would it be funny would it be a reasonable your dad joke yeah do you see gender? No, I smell it. Your ma,

your ma changed her name on Facebook. Oh no, this is getting too much. Anyway, you can follow Kai on Facebook at Kyle Humphrey.

When your mum cried during labour, your dad described it as hack and derivative. Your dad learned French just so he could say sacrebleu and mean it. Your dad can't cartwheel. So none of you have been christened.

I wrote one earlier that I didn't understand myself. It was... I'm going to get back to it. Your dad snorted a line of quiche to fit in a frat party. How do you snort quiche? I was looking at that. Ask your dad. I was going, did I write quiche?

It looks like quiche. Your dad uses his black belt in jiu-jitsu to choke himself and fanatize about choking the white belt too. Does he physically use the belt? Or does he use his knowledge of the black belt? To just get himself in some kind of choke hold? Just pretzel himself up? He uses his black belt?

Oh, fuck, he just spilled the baton. So you can fucking take that slander back. kind of chokehold just pretzel himself up he uses his black belt oh fuck he just spilt the right the bath so you can fucking take that slander back right anyway

that's a 48 minute podcast that counts so if you want to find Leslie Sloss on Facebook fuck no she's on his

loosely no loosely and if you want to find Christmasties on the back page of every

porn magazine asking for refunds I had complaints paid dear points of

view right so what are we going to do today I'm just trying to get

over 15 minutes of anyone to listen here's my line today one right if somebody has right so what have we learnt today I'm just trying to get into over 15 minutes if anyone's still listening I'm sure here's what I learnt today one right if somebody has

you gluten free bread they might be just doing you a solid solid two yeah right what else have we learnt Matty is

a pincer a pincer a pincer one of the worst human beings we learned that Natalie Ether doesn't enjoy

being on the podcast doesn't enjoy Danny's casual racism yeah Natalie can you please let me know because I'll be honest baby I've been doing that

casual racism for seven years now I thought I'd made that out of a six plot twist no no but I just did it generally before that casual racism for seven years now. What about that number six? Plot twist. No, no, but I just did it generally before that. It was like shotgun fire. You didn't know anyone of that ilk.

You can't call them that. Genuinely, Natalie. Natalie, if that was... She hasn't made it to this point in the podcast. If she's made it, it's awkward though. Imagine if that is the one time this point she hasn't made it at this point in the podcast if she's made it it's awkward though imagine if that is the one time Natalie

takes it too far by taking something I said to her personally personally like imagine that level of maturity I know the vodka

hurt your mouth I drank it thinking it was water oh did you I thought it was a bottle of water I grabbed them is that what I

cleaned your arsehole with I grabbed what I thought was a bottle of water and fucking drank the bathtub rice vodka right

Kai's getting out of the air and also his cream bye pickles fucking mate take that back I'm keeping it rolling don't you take that back

I'm never it's a new two hour long podcast right do you want us to start embracing it do you want us to start a podcast

with Matty and Khaled pickling pins is that the fucking Do you want us to start embracing it? Do you want us to start a podcast with Matty and Khaled? Pickle and pins. Is that the fucking future you want? Also, if that's a genuine question, yes. Wait. Pickle and pins. Pins.

Don't make a tune. Wait. This is just a promise. A promise to the OGs of the podcast. In fact, if I get get I'm going to say 30 purchases from your download oh here he goes

and then it's an upsell because I didn't want to date right if I get 30 sales in the next 48 hours after this is released I'm going to do a Pickle and Pins podcast

with Matty I mean I'll buy it you're going to buy 30 of them and the good thing is if you want to record the podcast you can just do it

in the house that Matty just bought Matty gets fucking so many houses for people like I didn't find out how people are homeless

I'm going to be honest like oh there's a homeless problem what Matty's I didn't find out how people are homeless, I'm going to be honest. Like, that is a homeless problem. What? But Matty's, Matty's still in... There wasn't a bush past Matty in the street. Right, right. If you say Matty's name in the mirror three times... You get a house.

That's the deposit. In fact fact two times one time or even nonce I'm so sorry for this podcast thank you for listening

bye love you and I'm going to apologize to absolutely fucking nobody