Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 3.40 Back in Business

Episode Date: December 7, 2019

After a brief spell at home Muggins and Cream are recharged for the remaining 4 gigs to bring the tour home. The lads cover just about everything in global politics and discuss LIINNNDAA and Kev's recent trip to London.This episode might be our favourite dad jokes, we might have just been high. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. And that's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

You pour the wine, I'll start the podcast. Are you eating cheese with your teeth? Who else do you eat cheese with? Do you know what I mean? No. You've got a big block of cheese, you just bite it, don't you? That's a vicious rumour to start. That's a vicious, unsubstantiated rumour.

I've got a better imagination than you,, I've got no imagination, but... I've got a... You know what I'm saying. If I was going to make something up, I wouldn't have been like, oh, you eat cheese. No, you're dead intelligent. You go for one of the really low-key ones

that people believe because you can get away with them more. So even though it's only slightly slander... I think my compliment is I'm going to admit that you weren't eating cheese. You think I'm just eating a block of cheese like a fucking American at Disneyland? Wake up before bed now, you mad cunt.

Do something every day that scares you. I do, piggy. Just there like, ah! Scary. So we're back doing the podcast because I'm not sad anymore. What happened? What?

You know what? It was a couple of days away from me. For the first time in 18 months I went home for a bit aye it was a bit being home like oh man

so fucking good I had a bunch of sex Peggy didn't find out sweet that's why it's scary to kiss you aye what was she going to

fucking do about it nah it's just soft top look em Aye What's he going to Fucking do with it Nah it's just soft Top look I am Obviously the last podcast Was in one part of Germany When I just couldn't Be arsed anymore

That wasn't even One of your meltdowns No it wasn't That was like You thought you were Strong enough to do A podcast in that moment So like

I think that just Gives you an idea How much of a pussy He's been the rest of the time Oh man it's been I do not remember A second on stage In Hong Kong Aye I don't Felly dwi'n credu bod hynny'n rhoi syniad i chi o ran sut mae hwnnw wedi bod yn y pwysau ymlaen. O, mae hynny wedi bod yn... Dwi ddim yn cofio un munud ar ystafell yn Hong Kong. Dwi ddim. Yn ysgol, roeddech chi wedi cael rhywbeth o'r hwyl i'r rhan o'r hwyl, doeddech chi?

Rwy'n credu. Yn ymlaen, mae hynny'n mynd i fyny. Dyna ffensiad arall, ymlaen. Mae'r rhan yn ddifrifol. Dwi ddim yn gallu gwneud y ceg arall. I just remember where's the cheese the road's too tough I just can't I can't do the gig anymore can I I'm like there there mate there there

put it on the back of that I will never once deny what a whiny little cunt I am but I will say for a fucking I will say for a fucking fact I never once said I can't I've never once said I can't go on stage

no you haven't but you're like I just act like it you're like I've got to pull out all the gigs two of them what I only want to pull out all the gigs two of them what

I only wanted to pull two of them yeah just wanted to go home mate just yeah it was one of them where you had a double gig coming up

two in one day and you were like fuck can't I do them both man couldn't be arsed just couldn't be arsed but now I've been home for a bit and there's only fucking

four of these cunts left and also is the end in sight we've had some time at home it's been good I've been fucking non-stop knitting by the way

it's far too many stitches I will say on the record that I do I think we'll let the fucking fan vote

the fans vote on who they think the better jumper is but the competition was never the better jumper the competition was who's better jumper the competition was who's become the better

knitter and I will it is you it absolutely is you put more effort in you're a better knitter that side of the competition is where I will concede

in a bit of the show but I am looking forward to the fucking reveal though yeah let's show the jumper because I like the fact because I know I know that yours has a design on it

because you've been fucking hiding it from me and you know you find a way to knit it because you've been fucking hiding it from me and you know you find a way to knit it and you've seen us working with different collars yeah yeah I know what you're doing

they were kind of hiding from me so I know all you know all you know about the jumper I'm currently knitting you is that it is green

because you've just made a blank answer because because I know and then I know one other thing about it what you start

the collar cast off too early so the collar starts at the belly button no it's almost like the Borat

mankini I'm going to need to get like a hairy chest or a gold medallion or something no no no trust me

I've got a plan like it's one of those things you know you've got to get one of them cleavage hiders cleavage hiders haven't you seen them

like there's an advert oh poly filler. Aye. That's why we never meet in Pig Ear, but it's great if she's on too much cleavage. That's, I just, no more. Aye, no more nails right between the tits. And just fucking sand,

just because, you know. You can't tempt people like that. Nah. You can't. You know what I mean? Well, the one is a good flat-skinned whale. Bit of plaster work so you're not are you

so are you saying you're not enjoying it well I was enjoying it when we were on the road and I was I was making the pattern because I had all these clothes on the go

and I was surely because the pattern's finished surely your sense of achievement in that must be that's good yeah yeah I bet that's be that's good yeah yeah I bet that's something

that you're genuinely proud of in the sense that it's like you know it's come out good I can't wait to see it I had no idea how it was going to come out it's come out good

one thing I've learned sorry to interrupt but one thing I've learned about you watching you knit for me is you think I'm a big fat cunt because it is too big

I did cast up because I've done the measurements of the 10 centimetres for 22 stitches and done the maths and the camera the camera it's 10 pounds does it

and I've got a blocker as well so it's going to be I'll be able to wear it with me niggas proper Donald Ducket just be like a 90 and I just but it's just a bit long. I might make a short sleeve,

just fuck with you. Make it a poncho or something, put a hood on it. Oh, fuck it. Do you know ponchos are meant to be fucking waterproof? Yeah, I just wanted to heck that bellary

and fucking catwalk cunts. Let's talk about the... we're in Brighton oh yeah I was just going to to finish that off I was going to say like the collab bit was fun

because it didn't matter how slow it was I was revealing the picture but now I've just done the back was it was it like the slowest version of it no no

was it like the old was it like the slowest version of like when you were downloading old school porn you know next line next line next line

nipple break nipple next line you don't have a foot fetish in the fucking early 2000s fucking take ages fucking googling people

doing handstands break and get back now. All right, so we're here. So we come off stage and we go out to meet the fans. Are you going to tell the story? Of course I fucking am, right? About the fucking edgiest. So we go out there.

We meet some lovely fans. It's very nice we gave some foes there's a man in the back of the queue who you'll back me up I recognised him

as cerebral palsy violently disabled yes he was violently disabled like he was CP cerebral palsy up out of his nut

like he turned up to 11 he's in his wheelchair man he's fucking smiling happy the whole thing but yeah absolutely buzzing he's like he's waiting up to 11 he's in his wheelchair man's fucking smiling happy the whole thing but like there's nothing

yeah absolutely buzzing he's like he's waiting in the queue he's clearly loved your dark jokes in dark like yes exactly like I always enjoy

because of the show I did dark where I obviously talk about my sister who had cerebral palsy one thing I really like after shows is making my fans

who have cerebral palsy because they have the most disgusting sense of humour in the fucking world and they're just fun to talk to. They say the worst things all the time. It's just,

it's my type of fucking humour. This cunt took it to a whole other level, right? So he's there, just, man, again, violently disabled. Like, real balls to the walls. And he goes,

Full throttle disabled. Oh, full throttle. Like, up to his neck like just filled in his boots he goes can I try and make you laugh

and I was like for the love of god yes and he hands me his driver's licence over the course of two minutes which by the way driver's licence

was the bit that blew my mind as much as what you're going to say next because I didn't know after hanging out with Jamie Green he's got a car

the ways of the guys operating yeah yeah yeah so I knew that inside but that would have blown me mind generally if I hadn't

known I'd be like who's that new to fucking stick shit alright it's yeah so he brings out that normally

is the fucking funny bit and he goes what's my name and I read it and I'm like I cannot I'm not kidding you'll back me up this is the guy's name the guy he goes, what's my name? And I read it and I'm like, I cannot, I'm not kidding. You'll back me up. This is the guy's name. The guy's name. He changed it by Dean Poole.

Is Jimmy Timmy Spack. Mr. Spack. Full name, Jimmy, middle name Timmy Spack. Right, so I read this and my first thing is like, you have the cruelest fucking parents in the world, right? Or, they just didn't believe the doctor when they said he was disabled.

They're like, he's disabled. They're like, ah, good one, doctor. And I guess we'll call him Jimmy, Jimmy Spack. And then three years later, they're like, fuck, he wasn't joking. Jesus Christ. Man, I'm like, I think the worst people in the world. He goes, no, I changed it. My fucking dude pulled.

He changed his name. He changed it just to fuck with people. So the hell do that is? So if people are picking him up, if people are picking him up, excuse me, I changed it my fucking dude pulled he changed his name he changed it just to fuck with people just to so the hell do that then so when people are picking him up if people are picking him up excuse me

looking for Mr. Spack and then just a very disabled man or like fucking stood at the airport show if I was fucking Jimmy Timmy Spack or something

he hooks up with a disabled guy and I was like that show was ruthless just oh man imagine like if he ever does

fucking comedy you're the MC you're like I can't call you that ladies and gentlemen you're the MC you're hosting the show ladies and gentlemen

welcome to the stage Jimmy Tippy like they think you're a cunt man it's sad he's trying to get joked everybody that he

interacts with and he was loving it because he made with genuinely fucking like like good bust laugh it was fucking lovely

Jimmy Timmy he was laughing his tits off when he saw the fucking clip of it he fucking is so he pulls up

one of his trousers he's trying to seduce me Miss Robertson he had a got a belt on and that couple of five ads in five ads

and paper ones too he's got a belt on and a couple of fibers in. Fibers. And paper ones too. He's got a tattoo of Jimmy from South Park on his leg, which I'll say this right now, great tattoo. They must have strapped him down. They must have sedated him. He couldn't sit still, could he? No, man, you're full on fucking CP.

But sense of man Jimmy Timmy Spike and genuinely it's made my day aye do you reckon it was already James so like people

still called him Jimmy nah no how do you think because he just went full like like you said

Biles out with it aye no I did he tell you his original name? No, I didn't ask. I didn't dare deadname him. I know you're not like to do that. Nah, he's contentious, isn't he?

You can call him Mr. Spack, but don't deadname him. But you can't deadname him. You can call him Jimmy Jimmy Spack, but don't you fucking dare call him Stephen. To call him Stephen is one of the most...'t you fucking dare call him Stephen to call him Stephen is one of the

most yeah yeah Stephen was from when he was able-bodied before the accident have you ever

been hit by a car have you ever been hit so hard by a car that you had to change your name nobody recognises him

he's like well I might as well do over he's a bit of a cunt anyway I'm talking to safety Glenn Huddle style Jimmy Timmy Spack oh yeah Glenn Nobody recognises him. He's like, well, I might as well do over. He's a bit of a cunt anyway. I probably deserved this. Glenn Huddle style.

Jimmy, Timmy. Oh, yeah, Glenn Huddle. He was the one that said... Glenn Huddle's the one that said disabled people must be karma for something like that they did in their previous life. Oh, wow. Did I tell you that was one of the jokes there?

Say fucking hell your next life's going to suck for you. You've just literally whacked into my fucking terrible, terrible afterlife, son. That comment. That was a joke I could never, ever get working on stage. you've just literally whacked into my fucking terrible terrible afterlife so that comment that too that was a joke I could never ever get working on stage

always wanted to I know it's a funny concept just could never get working in front of an audience and it was just the you know

I believe in I believe in karma I believe in reincarnation right and you know I think it's

fair to admit if you're just being a I think it's fair to admit like if you're just being a rational person it's harder being a woman in general of course there are men with tough lives

of course there are lots of blokes who have hard times but in general just in society it's harder being a woman it's just a bit harder

being a woman which really makes you think what have all women done in their previous lives to deserve this because it must have been awful because the way I treat them is shit

they must have all been Nazis and I can say this because I'm a straight white man now which means I was a black lesbian in a previous life now that I've clearly to get to play the game on easy you've got to you know. So did people just find it a bit contentious? I think they just

I think they had a fair point of we don't want a white man bragging about how much fun it is being a white man even if it is done

with like self awareness you just walk on and be like this is men they're like no like buddy we know

you don't need to remind us let's not talk about it guys move on next subject no no we have a

man we have a podcast this is the whitest male thing in the world this is we are sim level white male we're very much like one of many

in the podcast world like there's so many fucking just two dudes on a podcast stuff aye and it does get a lot of shit from people

but I do understand why I do like stuff you should know is a good two dudes on a podcast one they're good they're good

I also I've been really getting into there's a good one called Today Explained which is just 20 minutes every day

they just released a new one and it just explains a topic that's been in the news in the past month or something but in a better that's been in the news in the past month or something but in a better detail

it's a good thing in the morning to just listen to it's a 20 minute thing that I just explained another one is called What A Day it's

I'll say this off the bat I'm left wing it's a very left wing fucking podcast but it's just updates from American well global news but a lot of American

but that's how I've been keeping up to date on the Trump impeachment. What's the state of play with that now? The impeachment's going ahead I heard that on BBC Global today. Well no it's right so the impeachment so basically the impeachment hearings have gone ahead now it's at this point

it's there's enough evidence to prove from fucking everybody even with the witnesses that the Republicans have brought forward that a quid pro quo between the United States government and the Ukraine government was the medley. Yeah, he was like,

we'll give you some military support that you need if you look into Biden. If you investigate Hunter Biden, Joe Biden's son, his political opponent, but also, but just also,

just announce... Explain this to me, what does it mean by investigate? Are they just going to give him a Google look on his wiki page no no no no no no no no no have some troops what what he what he wanted

was he didn't we didn't actually so this is the bit that was proof he didn't actually want the investigations to go to head all he wanted was for Ukraine to publicly announce that they were

investigating the Biden's company so she just publicly announced it is to defame him being like he's under investigation like that immediately tarnishes the fucking

he didn't investigate just like or just be like is that the government find out about him or the government say what he's been up to yeah you know

but he's just going no no if something's under investigation you're immediately like why is that under investigation why is this fucking sceptical like get an audit yeah yeah

so exactly that like if they announce that Hunter Biden Joe Biden's son is being his company's in ukraine has been fucking investigated people are going to go well i don't trust him like he's under investigation like that's what and trump has and there's been proof uh of trump admitting that his whole defense was yeah but i didn't want it it didn't want the investigations you go that just proves that what you're doing is quid pro quo, which is you don't care about the actual result.

You just want it to defame the name. So that's all proven. But the weird thing that's going on now, which is Simmons and Briggs. So I'm assuming the Ukraine didn't do it and just fucking snitched. Is that how it's... No, no, it wasn't Ukraine that snitched. No, it wasn't snitched, isn't it? No, no, it wasn't Ukraine that snitched.

There's a whistleblower in the White House who's said it. Which is blow sticks now. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop saying it it's where the blowstick's not boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop DJ Trump

in a boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop yeah a whistleblower boop boop boop boop

boop boop boop boop that's just Guy farting that used to be the worst lifeguard this blown raspberries on my fingers

boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop

boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop boop this is blowing raspberries up your fingers everyone stop

but the thing that's going to go on is the impeachment is not going to go ahead because what the Republicans argument is at the moment which is

yeah none of us give a shit like it's not that bad yeah the whole thing is that and they've got it's like everyone's going to go

yeah he did it but we're going to keep oh it's madness it's really madness like I honestly thought that getting to know the news more would make me feel

more comfortable in the world I've been really sad the last few weeks it's not good no it's not my the worst one is

the like when politicians do like a big lie or they'll put like a fucking duck red footage out or something like that right

and then they get pulled on it and they're like BBC 2 at like 11 o'clock in the afternoon when everyone's at work and there they are

like getting back out of a corner with a lie but nobody's watching it and the damage is done with the lie that's the worst because you get to see the lie

so you get to see what everybody's saying and then you get to see them took the task on it but nobody else gets to see that so you just feel like everybody

no that's not it that's not what they've been doing. It's like the fact that the sun can print whatever they want on the front page, but their apologies have to, it can be on the 73rd page. And you go, it should be the other way around.

If you've lied about something, you kind of just be like, oh no, I told them we fit. I'm doing enough research to find the holes poked in the lies, but seeing everybody fall for the lies at the same time is the worst feeling. I'd rather just fall for the lies.

I'd rather just be ignorant as fuck. Maybe you are. Maybe it's the limonade. Maybe there's an extra level of being fucking entuned into it when I'm the mug. If you were Scottish, you reckon you'd vote for independence? I knew I would. I knew I would. The last time i didn't vote best for the simple reason i would have voted to remain and i didn't feel like it was the one of all my friends and the people i cared about so

i didn't want to put my vote against them when it actually like yeah i wanted to remain because i like like i'm english and i like sc like Scotland but it's like now I feel like now I feel like like really even though you've voted for it I feel like we're really keeping you

against your will even though your vote said that it was your will like I didn't feel like that's a reflection of how you feel right now

I thought you lied to us first you were like guys if you leave your pensions are fucked and we were like is that true

and you were like we'll tell you after youions are fucked and we were like is that true and you were like we'll tell you after you vote what if your phone won't get signalled oh no you're going to have to use different coins

yep you're going to need new money that being said I will say just for the sake of because look it's very easy

for fucking comics to just be fucking left wing gung ho there are very good arguments for a lack of Scottish independence and Scotland

remaining part of the union I don't think that's a left or a right thing I know what you're saying there the majority of

left wing people you know want to leave the union I don't think it technically is left wing do you know

what it is I don't want to have a queen it's like man in the nicest possible way having a queen is like queen like that's just it's like man it's like like in the nicest possible way having a queen

is like proper dweeby it's fucking like it's really dweeby man such a fuss you've got a queen like we've got a queen sir

we've got a queen but no but like you like it's got to it's got to end at here it's got to end at here it can't have gotten into this end at here it can't have

gotten into this fucking new age it can't have gotten into this fucking new era of technology

and we've still got a fucking queen you can't have facebook as a queen I just took a religion

dude with a monoc when was the first time Henry VIII honestly like I can't even believe like history joke

did we live it for us you took a I took it at the Church of English didn't I yeah I didn't get it

straight away I can tell I'm glad you explained it for me and all the listeners I can't believe people were like people were gods

in the sky and that who like who prayed to their gods and they got into heaven which probably spoiler alert probably not

probably not that because like we guessed it like what a fucking wild guess all of your religions are such a wild guess that is all stuck in the

right and yet it still comes into play with a lot of stuff it comes into play with a lot of stuff in politics and all that and you're like

how the fuck how the fuck's people's different man in the sky myth like waiting in here that's one of the most that's one of the most insane things about America is just how

like they wouldn't vote for an atheist president just they would not vote for an atheist president you need someone that believes in the fucking two fair and center and that

man some of them some of them think and I mean this and again this is me trying to stay as neutral as possible, but I think if you're a rational right-wing person, you can openly admit that Trump is not a brilliant president or an intelligent... It's not by... If you look at it from a real fucking sense of...

Your man's not a good one. Honestly, I understand that's the way you're aligned, but you're not being you're not being championed by a stud are you no no but they go they go Trump was sent by God

and you're like man you have such a low opinion of your God like that's the best he could do like a man who wears stilts at the back yeah God shouldn't be fucking

shouldn't be able to fucking when he's out of bath never mind fucking create a president what I'm just saying

he shouldn't be allowed to do menial tasks if that's what you come up with for a president if that's your God given president then give God

the fucking hold of the wheel that being said big fan of Boris Johnson he's going to get Brexit done fucking oven ready oven ready

oven ready he hasn't even defrosted the cut no no I trust him man he's going to fucking I trust the man he's going to see it through he's going to with his you know what I kind of

fucking in a way like the majority is probably inevitably going to happen so many turkeys are voting for Christmas

so many people are shooting themselves in the foot with a fucking Tory vote because they've read all this shit that the other guy's a terrorist

and that can I also just say on the record to every poor person who is voting Tory thank you so much you have no idea how much tax breaks you're all getting me you fucking idiots I'm voting up

you're voting to give Danny a nice life and he's voting to give you a nice life and he's voting to give you a nice life like what the fuck the Warriors just back

dude oh no man if people insist on voting Tory to get me bigger tax

breaks it's the will of the people I'm going to keep voting SNP

this is the divide right now right you've got you've got enlightened hold on

you've got enlightened poor people and empathetic rich people on one side and you've got enlightened hold on, you've got enlightened poor people and empathetic rich people on one side and you've got greedy rich people and gullible poor people on the other side and one side heavily outnumbers the other

that's the state of play but they think the same about us it's true and I can see why they think that because I read the stuff they're reading I have an echo chamber on my Facebook I've kept I accepted every friend

request in every couple of months I top it up with the 60 people that defriended us and I've got five frozen people on there who are different now and I'm getting a full cross section I haven't I haven't

curated my Facebook so I'm seeing what everybody's reading and what everyone's reposting I'm getting a fucking grand overview of it and that assessment I've just given before that's what I've come up with but yes I think it's going to become a Tory majority

and I think that that's the vote that they deserve I think that the left people would go less fucking mental about that because they're just a bit defeated in the game, ah fuck it than if it was like a surprise and Labour got in for instance

I think the people on the right in the Brexit party lot, I think there's going to be turmoil it'll be turbulent, they're not going to take it well so in a way the thing I want is not the thing that would end up nice outcome in the short term anyway

that being said everyone still votes there are people in other countries literally dying for the right to vote so if I can show some god damn respect

you've got you've got fucking Boris Johnson won't even talk to certain journalists he won't even talk to Andrew O'Neill's

a big fucking Tory he won't even talk to he won't even get groped by one of his own teammates and he's given the questions in advance

he's fucking telling them what he wants to ask them aye they couldn't they couldn't still like no that's going to fuck up the election if I do that

what the fuck that being said fucking look Andrew O'Neill's a big fucking Tory but he did so

stard you up a bit in that fucking interview he's great he's good at being a cunt this is what Piers Morgan's bad at he's bad at being a cunt

he's a shit cunt Andrew Neil is like he's good at being a cunt aye and I understand where these people

need to come from and Joe Corbyn can be as well but these people need to throw dissent at the people making

claims the politicians making claims if they're getting dissent given at them it pokes holes in their stories

it pokes holes in their lies it finds them out and it can look a bit aggressive and it can look a bit like fucking let the

guy speak give him a chance but you're poking holes in them Piers Morgan's is shite he just hogs the

pillow does all the tagging to get onto a less depressing subject your parents went to London

for the first time yes it was fucking remarkable seeing London through their eyes man so your parents

just to give just to give some sort of backstory to new listeners I'm going to be correct me when I'm wrong. You grew up

pov as fuck. Is it fair to say? Yeah, I remember I had both work but we were in the worst of scenarios

that they managed to put food in one place but there wasn't much surplus. There was also your dad took time your dad

stopped going to work for a bit to train to go to uni to go to uni yeah to go to uni which obviously

meant that he was on a university claim where your mum was working it was tough times it was tough times really proud of them like fucking

what they did got through it they raised two beautiful children and you they've done a real you know good job

Linda obviously a fan favourite everyone loves favourite everyone loves Linda Linda everyone loves Kev they hear about his antics at the end of the show

he's turning them awake he's a busy boy never been to London nah so everything was a first for them getting on a London bus it was a first

getting on the tube it was a first on the underground so it was all just like fucking big world to them they'd come from

this small town been to Newcastle and a couple of trips abroad and that but never to your nation's capital

nah see and that's why Geordies really are Scottish it was class because we're like we've got some

roots in London now we've got some like we've got some roots in London now we've got some like we've got a friend Phil Nicol who's in a musical called Everyone's Talking About Jamie

which is fucking brilliant such a fun like pull on the heart strings as well like it's fucking just funny so I took my dad

to see that Phil got me free tickets and fucking sweet tickets as well and then what happened oh in the interval in the interval in the interval right

I'm sat with my mum and dad on my left my wife is to the right stuck in the spiddly-doo so

the first section ends with Jamie like walking away from the crowd onto the stage

spoiler alert like kinda you've been framed from the from the behind spoiler alert like kinda you've been framed from the from the behind the stage side no you've been framed you've been framed

you've been framed you know what I'm talking about you bet like you bet what am I doing what's this sing a song for Matthew Kelly

what's it called oh stars in their eyes yes you've been framed you know that bit You've been framed. You know that bit in You've Been Framed where the person caught on video camera comes from behind, you know, in a silhouette up in the wall.

Through a cloud of smoke. Hi. Welcome to You've Been Framed. Tonight, Matthew Kelly, I'm going to be friend. I'm Roger Mavis. Is that it? He's been friend. Oh'm Roger Rabbit. Is that a bit R. Kelly? He's been friend. Oh, cold take.

Cold. Ice cold take. Fucking hell, Jesus. That is some ice tea. Ice tea fiends. Me and Ryan Cullen. Cully Willie. Right, right.

My boo. We started watching the R. Kelly documentary on Netflix, Surviving R. Kelly. Man, it's dark as shit like that. He's not a good man. But R. Kelly's brother, his older brother, is in prison, right? And he's being interviewed in prison. Now, one thing I'll say about R. Kelly's brother, and I mean this sincerely, beautiful eyes.

He's in prison in his jumpsuit. He's sitting there and he's talking about his brother Robert and all this stuff his brother's also called Robert no no no he's talking about Robert yeah yeah he's talking about Robert can I get him a wine

no you can have a cider there's no more wine left is there no wine no I've finished a wine alright so he's doing this interview

all the way through he's cutting back to him on the stories and stuff that he's talking about when they're kids and stuff. But at one point, his defence of his brother, he's like,

aye, aye. How is he defending him? He's not like, hanging him under the bus, like, ah, I knew it, you used to fucking kiss me dolls. You had dolls?

He, bigot. He... I was actually. He was. I was kind of dolls. Gender appropriation. He goes, no, he's like, look, I've always known Robber was into young girls. Hey, look, it was actually it was gender gender appropriation he goes nah

he's like look I've always known Robert was into young girls hey look I'm into older women

Robert's into younger women everyone's got their thing and you go everyone's got their thing no

she's got a hobby alright so like some girls like being choked other men like raping women like everyone girls like being choked other men like raping women like everyone's

going no no no one of those is legal and fine and the other one is whoa what's your brother doing some people are like young women

some people are like old women and one of those people is belonging in jail like that's that's what this game is that's what we're trying to fucking separate

it's a great documentary anyway what were we talking about before RCS and you've been framed no we're talking about your parents in London stars in their eyes

so we're watching everyone's talking about Jamie yes and then there's that stars in the eyes moment where the the lad walks

onto the stage to his screaming crowd you can see the back of him but then like oh there's big canvas on the I think it's oh there's big canvas on the i think it's either on the wall on the sheets but i had my car lenses in i had them in i still couldn't see it um the drag drag artist is walking towards you but like fucking like 20 30 feet tall

on the projection and that's how the um the intervals commence there starts in there so the house lights come out, it's fucking boiling, right? Is it boiling or are you just getting on a hot flight? Just watching a bit of a drag show.

So I'm doing an example here. I grab my jumper, my hoodie, and I go to pull it over my head, realise it's taking my t-shirt withers,

and then I thought, well, I'll quickly get this off so I can pull my thing down so I haven't got my midriff out. I'm not going to pop my midriff for too long, you know, before I get spotted. And then I thought, well, I'll quickly get this off so I can pull my thing down so I haven't got my midriff out. I'm not going to pop my midriff for too long, you know, before I get spotted. And then I take my hoodie off and then I go to tuck my T-shirt down and I tuck my T-shirt completely with my hoodie.

So I was just sat there with my top off. But I was as flustered as me. Say it again. I was flustered. I was as flustered as me. Say it again. I was flustered. I was as flustered as me.

I was like, now all of a sudden not only is my hoodie inside out and off but it's got my t-shirt inside out like locked into it. On the inside out. So you need to like

rip it out of the long arms of the law of the hoodie. So I'm there separating my t-shirt from my hoodie with my top off and Natalie

and my mum and dad who are just clapping and enjoying the end of the performance then look at me like almost like do you want to go for a drink

or to the bar or to the I hear everything top off being like I'm literally top off and they'll be

fucking top off watching like woohoo yeeha like Ruby scored a winner I'm fucking NUFC

tattooed on my belly but I just look like I fucking got carried away at the drag fucking worked my top off

now just be who you want to be just where the mood takes you know what I mean

we're going against the whole ethic of the show for stopping me expressing myself in the interval

but I and Natalie and my mum and dad didn't look at us and kind of like, oh, oops, he took his top off his hoodie. They were like, what the fuck are you doing,

you mad cunt? I just want to be a mad cunt. I was so embarrassed. I got my fucking top off in a musical. That's what folks had about me hey

look you enjoyed it fuck I was having a great time I can't tell you how much I've had my take out of Frozen I get it so I took them

to see that that was their first musical was it was it was it Billy Elliot huh

where even though they're in it even though it's with them right no so they they went to the first musical and then Phil Nicol

because he's in it and he's an act on the West End he's got his what do you call them members only clubs like the Centurion right

it was the Centurion we went to so it got me mad so it's like this hustle bustle Saturday night London where like you get into a bar and you kind of

you know like all bar one and stuff like that where you where like you get into a bar and you kind of you know like all bar one and stuff like that where you just kind of get to the bar you can't hear yourself think so all of a sudden

we're in central London there's a members bar me man and dad fucking mind blown getting nice cocktails and all that never seen lightbulbs before huh

never seen lightbulbs before that's a hack joke I look at electricity so I had a class time in there and then went up the Sushi Samba, which is a restaurant on top of the top of the building near Liverpool Station. So you get a good panoramic view of the city

and there's a cocktail bar on it. You're not like where we were in New York, but in London, so not quite the same. Then went to the Tower of Linda. Tower of London. Tom Horton gave us like Inside tour and all that So fucking We just got like behind the scenes

And your mum didn't believe It was the Tower of London No it was class She believed it was the Tower of London But it was the Where the vault Where they keep all the crown jewels And everything's like ornate

And they've got like big like Like punch bowls Made of solid gold With like fucking horses Jumping out of the all the crown jewels and everything's like ornate and they've got like big like like punch balls made of solid gold with like fucking horses jumping out of the architecture of the bull I'm going to use the

word architecture because they're that big there's that fucking big dragon that's made of guns that's class but I was like it's not made of

real gold though is it so like that's why it's like behind all this fucking tempered glass and then we've just worked through like steel doors that

if you try and even touch that glass, it's kind of fucking locked down doors. You mind that bit where they said no floors because they don't want you at any point being able to work out how any of the systems work. Uh-huh. You need to keep sucking that way harder, baby. Do you know how that sounds to the people on the podcast? They think we're having a split.

Oh, there you go. It's fucking good. how that sounds to the people on the podcast I think we're having a split oh yeah you're going to suck it good so we'll actually get to the actual fucking crown jewels

from the comedy issue which is like they're little sides they're real that's not what your dads

look like that's not real I'm like sorry sorry guys it's not good listening oh no this isn't good content

no a professional podcast would cut that out this is the section of the show we call coffee mornings oh god I shouldn't have listened so I was like do you think that's just how Daimonti's like do you think the queen keeps her Daimonti

do you think they just vajazzled a punch bowl Tom Horton was like, do you think that's just how Daimont is laid? Do you think the Queen keeps her Daimont? Do you think they just rejazzled a punch bowl? Tom Horton was like, it's not Claire's accessories, Linda. It was fucking astounding how she believes it was. Stupid bitch. Wow! Wow!

What the fuck was that? Like, was doing a dad thing what is it what the fuck excuse me what exquisite exquisite

fucking moto my whore what no I didn't say that fucking Jesus

what man fucking run that mouth less What? Man Fucking run that mouthless I was thinking I'd listen back It honestly turned up really loud Hammer at home So we've got four days of the tour left Aye

This is the problem I've got four days of the tour left. Aye. This is the problem I've got. It took us ages to do the jump up the way I'm at. Oh, here we go. And I've been doing it for ages. Aye. There's not an hour with my fingers on it. I've still got the arms today.

And I want to get it done before the end of the tour because after the tour, my social life starts again. Right. And I don't just want to be, like, fucking in a nightclub and all that, just fucking dancing around in it. First of all, in what world? James, OK, ask me this question. In 2020, how many times do you think you're going to find yourself in a nightclub? Tiga, tiga, and hog my knee.

That's 2019 in my case starting to hear your intent to spend it how many times in 2020 do you reckon you're going to end

up in a fucking nightclub because I'm going to tell you every fucking hiking boot on me no face

jacket I haven't even done my hair I had a shave I reckon five or less times in 2020 for me

nightclubs aye I reckon less than for me nightclubs aye I reckon less than two aye nightclubs aren't like you know what though sometimes

just sometimes you end up just randomly in like Sofia aye in Bulgaria where we're like

we went for a drink and you've got like this fucking sectioned off area of a nightclub with like tons of just like poor it costs it costs an out for it

because you're in Bulgaria like in that moment in Jelly Bean Martinez Matthew Ellis was in town aye and he came and joined with him so like

I don't like I'm not saying I haven't outgrown a nightclub I had a belt a time there but I'm not I'm not drawn to them

no no no I've not I've not I've not outgrown like I've out fucking classed them like in the same way the second

no but you still got the flower pot and passion and a beef alley no no no but in the same in the same fucking way that after

we did music festivals where we started stealing camper vans the second you said camper van you go I've never stayed in a fucking I've never stayed

in a tent once you I think so do you think we have to be like invaded of a nightclub by like the owner in that capacity

yeah I'll I'll that's the snobbiest thing we've got 100% we're handily well because right would you go to the nightclub

why because you like dancing neither was like dancing that's not right because you just want to get fucking mulled with some loud music on just fucking like a pill kicking you'd go there because you want to fucking shag someone.

And if I want to shag someone, contractually, Piggy has to do it. That's the deal we made. Piggy promised. Piggy promised? Is that a thing you've got? I said Piggy. Have you got a Piggy promise? That's lame.

You had vows, you fucking lame-o. I made promises. What is a vow if not just an extravagant fucking promise? That's what it is, aye. Aye. No, the piggy's promise, though. I didn't say piggy, I said pinky. Nah, no.

I have apps. Beto'd. Rewriting history for my own agenda. You have a piggy promise. That's what you said. Don't listen back to it. Lame-o to it lame-o lame-o Clark

did we just get to go out of this bed you're eating cheese again man you're coming full circle these don't you're fucking pulling in alright you're biting your toenails

what's this game like what what are you doing you're rubbing the ice on your nipples biting your toenails. What's this game? Like what? What are you doing? Aye, aye, you're rubbing the ice on your nipples. Why are you being fucking... Like what's this game? Why is this happening? You mean to... Listen, he can hear it.

How can you be rubbing your nipples? Ooh, look at your nipples. Ooh, the odd nipples. That's not what I'm doing by the way, that was Daniel. Nah, well, let that be the judge. Alright, how's your dumb whore wife? aye she's alright

getting by aye making her a meat aye we had a little shindig last night did you do was it one of your fondue parties? got the lads and lasses run

canapés actually vol-au-vents and that canapés? canapés? no no I wasn't correcting you I was just impressed that you knew the word aye ayeents and that canapés canapés no no I wasn't I wasn't correcting you

I was just impressed that you knew the word I actually taught this canapés you thought

it was a canapé something canapés I thought we were going to get a gazebo

or something canapés canapés imagine M&S canapés come back with a

canapés canapés Imagine, just say, M&S and get us some can of peas. Come back with a can of peas. Oh, sorry. Can of peas. Green giant. Just hand passing around the room with a fork. For a can of peas. I'll just fucking put them in a dish. It's a Geordie ball.

Not my butter. Geordie's a Geordie Ball not my butter Geordie Ball Geordie Ball and then run a can of peas alright so that's what we did we've got a run a just have a can of peas

but I've put a Christmas jumper on you now we've put the Christmas tree up we've got a a real one from did you put that up yourself we've got one from Needles in Pain did you put that up yourself we've got one from Nita's in pain

did you put that up yourself can I do the Gary Delaney joke nah I put it up in the living room it's a fucking belt like Gary Delaney's oh I love Gary Delaney so much

but yes we've put the we went and bought it's a real one oh we're not going to leave the lights on we're going to burn that

Grenfell baby it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it's it and that's Grenfell baby it's it's one of them spruce things spruce brink shoes yeah spruce

spruce moose me we got we got we got a fake one this year did you fake three eye

me and Daniel Floss got a fake three eye did you die I want to last a decade you know I want to get my YouTube to this like me and Daniel Sloss have got to be quickly aye aye well it's a decade you know I get why you screwed with this

like because the thing is ironically it's better for the environment aye you've got a lot of space in there first of all

don't talk about my property second of all if you're going to talk about my property don't make the main set up out of it a lot of loft aye but you know he's got a top heavy house you're going to talk about property, don't make the main set up out of it.

A lot of lost stuff. He's got a top-heavy house. I'm going to flatten London on it. I'm just going to go and read that Christmas novel. Let's just put this over here. You need a lot of space to have it usable, you know what I mean? I'm not going to fucking just kick it under the bed. No, no, no.

I'm not going to put the Christmas tree away. What am I going to do? Is I'm going to put it outside and let it pretend to be a tree with the other trees for the rest of the year yeah yeah just so it has

a good time it's a fucking free range Christmas tree no it's just like you know because that way he spends 11 months of the year

practicing being a tree like it's you know makes it a bit more natural it's like a bit like Pinocchio wishing he was alive aye well it gets full of creepy crawlies

and a bit gooey off elements and that gooey? aye it'll just crawlies and a bit gooey off all the elements and that. Gooey? Aye, it'll just be, nah, it'll be like sticky off some fucking rain and slugs. And then you bring it back,

yeah, you've just got this stinky, you've got this bit of plastic that's just been fucking ruminating in the yard. So I'm going to make a real leg, bud. That's a fucking horrible,

that's a horrible way of doing things. Maybe I won't find it again. Maybe he'll just, maybe he. He'll try. He'll definitely try. Aye, won't find it again. Maybe he'll just... Maybe he... He. He tree. He jumped in the tree. Aye.

Misgendered it. Dead named it. Dead. Deadwood. Nah. Nah. Didn't work on any level. I fell off the bed.

Yeah. Oh, God. That would be true for me drinking fucking nearly set your neck how do we roly poly I didn't

smell me drink I'll do that halfway through you're like mam on watch mam mam how much

how much was it a fit going by the pool what if when your kid got his leg that watch when my what when your kid my kid I like future y pwll. O, beth yw'r peth y mae'r plant yn ei ddweud? Dyna'r gwarch. Pwy yw fy ngwarch?

Pan yw'r plant. Fy ngwarch? O, fel y byddwch yn ei ddweud. Ydych chi'n dweud? O, dyna'r peth y mae'r plant yn ei ddweud. Beth yw'r peth y mae'r plant yn ei ddweud? Ydych chi'n dweud? O, dyna'r peth y mae'r plant yn ei ddweud.

O, dyna'r peth y mae'r plant yn ei ddweud. O, dyna'r peth y mae'r plant yn ei ddweud. O, dyna'r peth y mae'r plant yn ei ddweud. O, dyna'r peth y mae'r plant yn ei ddweud. O, dyna'r peth y mae'r plant yn ei ddweud. O, dyna'r peth y mae'r plant yn ei ddweud. O, dyna'r peth y mae'r plant yn ei ddweud. O, dyna'r peth y mae'r plant yn ei ddweud.

O, dyna'r peth y mae'r plant yn ei ddweud. O, dyna'r peth y mae'r plant yn ei ddweud. O, dyna'r peth y mae'r plant yn ei ddweud. O, dyna'r peth y mae'r plant yn ei ddweud. O, dyna'r peth dad watch and you look because your kid said dad watch right you're fucking icing your pants like if your kid goes dad watch you're like fucking no

you've got to have a deke what's this going to be and then they just do some shit right they just like jump in a puddle or something

and you go I fucking knew you where's my name fucking you just made us watch that the time like a bloke like fucking me

didn't do that again man just I'll knock you clean out honestly watch out you watch something watch a slap you're like watching that

I didn't get the hint I'm like watching your shit either watch this so joking CK style he made it weird no he made it weird he made it weird

he did he made it rough for his mates like I gotta act my mates weird not my good mates actually

I know I've actually noticed it a lot recently I've distanced myself from his brain we drifted apart recently when Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol.

Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol.

Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. Mae'n ddiddorol. That's the bit where I noticed we didn't have chemistry.

That was the bit where I looked at my friend and I was like, man, we're just on different weight planes. That's just, that's not my frequency. I'm not down with that. I've done that with you. Look, you do you. I didn't actually say that. That's the problem. I feel like I've got an obligation to society

to say, say like not don't make me do fucking Mission Impossible I'm fucking under your cum line you can't just make it like you must like nobody's can nah but he's sound

like nobody's doing that are they some of them can but Louis was fucking sound man some of them can look like one strike no I saw them there I saw them going aye but Louis was fucking sound man I saw them going look one strike no there are some people out there

that think you know like there are some people out there who have the same attitude to Louis C.K. masturbate in front of people

that they have to trump doing the quid pro quo which is aye he did it but we just don't think it's that bad like we admit we admit that he did what but we just don't think it's that bad we admit

we admit that he did what he did just none of us give a shit and that's the difference between us PC got mad aye

you care that he broke the rules and we couldn't give a fuck and that's really hard to argue against he's like I can't make you care about this

it's like playing against the prison guards explain yourself don't play by the rules oh from the Oscar winning movie Longest Yard

I big fan of that I love Longest Yard did you get like recommended for some award or something did you nominate

did you get nominated for fucking no no it was the cinema pardon me are you nominated

as like a throwback movie yeah yeah so I got to pick five movies to go on at the cinema in Edinburgh longest yard

was one to pick because I love that movie man longest yard Air Bud Air Bud 2 Air Bud World Pub Air Bud 4

Electric Boogaloo 2 Air 2 Bud Shrek 2 Air 2 Bud Shrek 2 Air Bud we got anything to plug I'm doing a solo show let's plug that nobody cares

it's in Newcastle alright go on then 22nd I'm doing my own show because I am my own man as well once a year and yet Christmas

I have I have borrowed you for a year and a half just like honestly like man

I just want everyone to know like I meant this is such a power play because what happened was in in September you got married

to Natalie and what happened was in front of a bunch of people you stood married to Natalie and what happened was in front of a bunch of people you stood up with Natalie and Natalie was like oh I've got him forever oh he's mine oh look at him saying all these nice things he's mine he's mine he's mine it was a real power play it was her it was her that was Natalie's way of being like he prefers me to you she started it because he's willing to stand up in front of all these people and say all these nice things I was was like, you think he likes you? She started the one-up machine. And I'll be like, I'm for a year and a half cunt.

He's mine. Aye, no, you've got our nice post. Oh, Natalie, you want your fucking pussy legs? All right, I'll give you five days in August, right? Say thank you. Bitch. What did you just call her

nothing I said I had an itch an itch in my nose itching for a stitching explain yourself itching

itching for a stitching it's like hurting for a squirting it's like cruising for a bruising hitting for a squirting

Dominic Dominic cruising Dominic bruising are you Ted Danson because I'm Ted Askin in other classics aye so yes please come to my

Newcastle show at the stand on the 22nd Elliot Steele's going to be there not on not in the bill oh my god

Gareth was on the bill Gareth was opening so you've got G-Tip you've got Milk in the room Tom Horton's going to be there he's got who's Milk? he's going to be like me

in like an audience of four Milk is he Milk? it's just like a lot of the guests of the podcast are going to be kicking around signing autographs

signing tits and that yeah just buzzing that was one of the fringe guests of Sloth and Humphries on the Road. Like a big Comic-Con kind of thing. If you're one of those people who brags about weird things. Right, ready for these jokes you fucking showbuck? Oh, yeah, I think I am.

I wrote them when I was high. For no reason. Oh, hi. Yeah. I think I am. I wrote them when I was high. I was in the old redone. Yep. Tell me where you started. Sorry I got lost. You just fucking didn't text me that. You just started your correspondence you fucking asshole.

I opened my phone and my instinct came to absolutely forgot I fucking don't I fucking like it's like it's like you know when you go to the toilet and you get your dick out

and you forget what you did and you start masturbating like you know that really common thing that we all do like oh no I'm in the airport I need to pee

get your dick out I'm in the music I'm in the music I'll just get my top off of course right your dad calls burps upper queefs

your dad's cock so big and long that he has what do you think this game is he has to stand on his tiptoes at the arena

otherwise he'll tip his cock into piss biscuits piss biscuits is a great name for a bird your dad does origami

With a safety spectre on The shaft of your dad's cock Is so goofy That you have to give yourself A Chelsea smile to blow on Your dad once said To find the clitoris One must become the clitoris

So he turned into a right sensitive little cunt. That's one of my favourites. Your dad's got such a thick, hard cock that he has a pop when he gets a boner. Oh, I'm sorry. Your dad says any phone is a flip phone if you're strong enough. Your dad's cock is so meaty that the butchers would have to work

to get a chunk of the steaks your dad compares himself to Conor McGregor because he used to be your halo but the more you learn about him the less you trust him it's weak your dad's cock looks like the Hulk if you'd forget about it

and agree your dad's favourite thing after an argument is a make-up kiss which is when he makes up a story in which him and your mum kiss and sit together

but in actual fact they're permanently separated make-up make-believe your dad's got the healthiest looking cock it's got so much colour on his cheeks Make believe. Your dad's got the healthiest looking cock. It's got so much colour in his cheeks. Has it been unholded?

Your dad tried to trademark the word honky. If your dad did the helicopter, he'd fly off like a drone. Your dad coughs the word faggot at funerals faggot your dad has such a nice

lovely cock it makes David Attenborough look like a dick your dad likes memes the only thing your dad loves more

than some memes is more memes he loves more memes your dad loves more memes more memes is more memes. He loves more memes. Your dad loves more memes. More memes are your dad's favourite. I like that a lot. Your dad's cock rolls down like a medieval scroll when he drops his pants your dad has a fat lip

for a man who runs his mouth a lot if there was a prize for having a great cock your dad would get it and I'm not going to lie he'd get it and I'm not going to lie he'd get it anyway it's going to be it's going to be back

in good spirits it's nice to be happy again it's nice to it's nice to smile it's nice to aye thanks for being there guys you're welcome

it's been emotional