Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.41 When Will I See You Again?

Episode Date: December 13, 2019

Muggins and Cream enter the final 3 days of the tour and the start of a sesh that will last for December. They discuss their not so perfect celebrity orgies and other equally pressing matters. 

Sloss and Humphrey's on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream And that's our intro Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Awww, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

he's having a shit so I've started recording so he can't do a shite start we're back on the road for the last three shows we're in Liverpool just now we will be in Birmingham tomorrow and then on Saturday the last show in Dunfermline

and then you will never fucking hear from me ever again and I'll ride off into the sunset dead and happy thanks to everyone who's come to the show so far thanks for dragging me out of my house

for the 18 fucking months that was real nice I didn't want you to do your intros I just thought I'd do like an education one the one that's fun the one that's not annoying

for everyone I'll go out of the room have a piss under the guys have a shit actually now I'm going to under the guys I don't really need to get in the bathroom

or film me whatever I thought I'll think of a good ditty you know by the time I'll just pretend I'm doing some other bits where I think

it's hard as well because sometimes you think of one and you're like all these muggins and all these creams and here's somebody here going fuck

but then you think I've probably done that in season one first of all we don't have season do we have season I guess well every two hours like because we started in 2016 and that was one and then when we started season one? First of all we don't have do we have a season I guess? Well every tour

is like because we started in 2016 and that was one and then when we started a new tour we started as two So what you're saying

is this season of the podcast is fucking season nine of Game of Thrones Well it's season three but it's just got fucking it just went on

for too long It's like no no no this version of the podcast has been the last two seasons of Scrubs that we all know didn't actually happen

you know a coupling season four coupling oh yeah after fucking was it Jeff I didn't even bother I was like

well I'll watch it for him watch it for Jeff yeah so I just thought it was a way of like people probably aren't like you know if it's labelled like 121

somebody might not be likely to jump in but if you're going like 4.3 you can catch up on this I think people just join in

fucking whenever yeah I think unless there's a we shouldn't have numbered them actually just put titles on

alright bad decision from you it's probably a conversation we should have off the podcast no no full disclosure guys that should be

the podcast things we should have just talked about off the podcast this is actually the entire premise of this so anyway

who taught you how to press record what who taught you how to use machines my dad the most technologically

based human being in the world I picked up little bits on the side seen him work around the house in that case

when the tour's down will you keep your end running with Ryan since you live with him nah nah do you think for a fucking god damn second

after Saturday I'm doing anything ever again podcast is just a good time isn't it good time you're a boy is it not I thought you had a good time

you're a bit ah you not Colin oh my god I'm craving hard sang oh my god absolutely fucking not have you listened to His and God's yet have we spoke about this Ah, you, not Colin. Oh my God. I'm crazy hot, Sam. Oh my God. Absolutely fucking hot. Have you listened to his and Gareth's yet? Have we spoken about this?

Because I only have it because it's NFL and I already listen to football stuff and political stuff. I think that's the point of their podcast is about how Gareth wasn't into American football before this. Oh. So it's him introducing Gareth to it. So that's why it's a good one to join on.

Ah, that is a good idea. And the thing about it as well is... I introducing Gareth to it so that's why it's a good one to join on that is a good idea and the thing about it as well is I thought Gareth already was he must have been a little bit into it

he knew he wanted to get into it he wanted to he had a vested interest so what the podcast is is Gareth picking a team and then discovering it

and then every week they go on and talk about it because Ryan he's obviously not a fucking expert because Ryan Cullum is not an expert in any sport

no no no I'm not finished let me plug it so they're on every week and it's been interesting living with Cullen because the football season is apparently only like

three months the American football season that's it and then it's boring well not boring but other shit happens for the rest of the fucking year but it just means that

our sleep patterns are entirely fucking separate because now that I'm home I like waking up early when I'm home when I'm home like I don't want to do things for the day yeah you get up you have breakfast aye it's like I wake up. Because now that I'm home, I like waking up early when I'm home. Yeah. When I'm home. Like, I don't want to do things during the day. Yeah, you get up, you have breakfast.

Aye. It's like, I'll wake up at 8am and I'm like, if I wake up at 8am on tour, it's either for a flight or I'm furious with myself. I'm like, why are you trying to get more hours in the day? When I'm at home, I'm like, fucking 8am. But he's up until 5 or fucking 6am just watching this. Imagine if UFC was on like fucking 4 nights in a row

yeah he seems like a nocturnal type as well doesn't he aye whatever he's definitely like when you switch the lights off you can still see his eyes

oh no but if you when you turn the lights off he unscurries out of where he fucking is aye aye you just hear a gnawing

on the skating board you're like what's he doing come on man just painted that yeah so Cullen's knowledge on football this is the thing

with Cullen's right Cullen knows a lot of stuff about football like you'll mention a player that's signed for a team that you might not have heard of

until he signs for them and he'll tell you that back story he'll tell you how many goals he's scored how many assists he's got where he came from what youth academy he was in

and it gives the illusion that he's got an intelligent mind he's just got a good memory you kind of apply it to shit every call that he makes it goes the opposite way you slag a player off they'll score

I think Aubameyang was that top goal scorer for ages and he still thought he was shit because all he does was score and I'm like

no but that's what's good about the thing I feel like this is always good for the person every time you make any you've got the greatest spree of any time you put a bet on

the polar opposite will happen it's more to do with my fantasy football teams I can I can I can just based on like data

see who's firing the highest on fantasy football put them on your team and just create a drought. It's like a superpower against a player scoring like that. You just see Matty taking a leap.

You're like, who have I got that Matty's also got? Fuckin' him. Fuckin' him. Genuinely, this is a fact. I have not this season put a Liverpool player

on my fantasy football team and look how fucking well they're doing. That's when you've got to play football, you've got to, you've got to do the world of fucking favourites. Because I can say this as in,

well, because we're in Liverpool now, which is, you know, it's always been one of our favourite places to gig. We can genuinely say that. Over the years,

having played in fucking Sloth House was one of our favourite places to play there. You know, it's always been fucking good times. Oh, well,

it was a great venture there they're always fucking on the move growing and growing fucking built a comedy scene we've got friends that live around here

Ricketts live around here Adam Rowe lives here fucking Sid Sid our friends so we've got a lot of ties to fucking

Liverpool worst fans in the world well it's because I've become football sentient after they had had

their victories like they were the best team in English football by top flight and then the Premier League the Premier League came Man United

took the prize money of the first one and then took the dominance of the league for like my whole football awakening was dominated by Man United

so Liverpool always which we will say on the record now is still very funny how badly Man United lose

I'm sorry to people that don't want sports things but it'll be a five minute thing we'll go to something else Man United losing

is still to this day very funny every time just because of the history because as well we lived through

the history of that we saw Man United on top right so I woke up to football where Liverpool what kind of way Man United are now right

but they had the arrogance of a team that have been on top for that long but I didn't see that so I've always looked at them like

fucking why are these so cocky like I've always had that because when Newcastle are challenging for the league we kind of

this is back in 96 I don't think that's football I think Scous challenging for the league this is back in 96 I think Scousers are just confident in general I truly have not met a shy

Scouser at any fucking point so because I've always known them to be quite entitled

in football I've never wanted them to get what they deserve and they do deserve it now they actually

do deserve to win I like Klopp and I like Salah I just don't like and I like people from Liverpool except when they have a Liverpool jersey on

aye it's the second man the second they put the thing I'm like you've dressed up like an enemy

and I'm just I'm a bull and you're wearing red I've got friends who vote Tory alone and cannot and on that note

what are they doing? to everyone voting Tory thank you so much I'm really trying my best here the way I vote is Irvine Welsh put a great thing up on Twitter yesterday which is if you're going through hard times vote for someone or something that's going to

make your life better but if you're going through good times vote for something that's going to make other people's lives better. So that's the way I tend to vote. Socialist values. Socialist values. So I'm voting for the SNP just because they represent my values. If people don't like the SNP, fine. They represent my values more than other parties. Would you have tactical voted if you looked into

it? Would you have, if you knew Lib Dem vote would have took a seat off the Tories? Yeah, obviously you don't have to worry about that, there's not a Tory seat where you are, is there? Oh, there's Perth is close to Tory Yeah, but that's not your constituency No, no, but parts of Edinburgh went Tory in the last one Oosh, Scottish

that blows me mind a little bit I've got no worm tongues, mate Oosh You That blows me Mind a little bit Fucking I'm a worm tongues Mate Oosh Do you see that You know the little The Fucking little Gross guy from 300

That That is Every story I'm just like I'm like Do you not Have you not read Like a history book

And also Do you not associate With other So yeah I see what you're Saying is like A Tory vote Would be voting for a bunch of

privileged people who are going to look after privileged people which you're party to. Right, do you get it? But you don't vote for the position you're in now. You vote for I'm one bad day away from being disabled. I'm one bad day away from well, you're probably a few bad days away from being broke.

I'm sure you've got a nest egg. But you vote for that guy. You vote for the guy that gets like, like shut on, hits hard times and hits the skin. If I get cancer, I want that to be everyone else's problem. I just think, because that's the biggest thing for me is the,

and I don't know who done it. Like I kind of attribute this to a particular government because I don't know who done it I kind of attribute this to a particular government because I don't know who it was but we used to call we used to call it social it's called benefits now but it used to be called social security and that's what it was

it was a social security it was a safety net but then they just changed the word and it was a benefit that person is getting a benefit and just that mere word change makes it look like they're scroungers. Have you seen Vice?

They've got an entire bit in it where they talk about how you can change something. Changing the thing from a climate crisis to global warming made it seem less threatening and they actively changed the words and things just so that it was easier to digest for the public. Yeah, global warming sounds cool. Well, it doesn't sound cool.

No, but climate crisis sounds dangerous. Global warming sounds like, ooh, the holders are going to come to me instead of me coming to them. But to get back to the point of anyone voting for the Tories, especially people working class, people voting for the Tories, thank you very much for the tax breaks that you seem insistent on me getting. The ones that I'm

not voting for myself, but if you want to give me that extra money every year, thanks. It's weird. It's a weird one. And it does make sense, right? And I want to clarify this point. I've got plenty of friends who vote

parties like Tory parties, vote Labour, vote the Greens. I've got I've got plenty of friends who vote parties like Tony parties vote Labour vote the Greens I've got across the fucking board I'm not this isn't meant to be a fucking I'm not going to be one of those guys

who's like you're all fucking racist I fucking hate that now nah nah I'm not going to fall out with anyone I've had like nice conversations with my pals

like at the end of the day I fundamentally disagree with you on these things but I've known you for most of my life and I can see what you're reading. I've read it too. And if that's all you're reading,

this is what I've discovered. This is my reality, which fucking might be wrong because I'm open-minded enough to say I've took in certain medias that... Of course. And I'm trying to be aware of confirmation bias and what stuff's actually fucking...

So I even open the clickbait articles just to see what other people are thinking to try and get an understanding of their minds and that's why you're voting Labour yes and that's

so I voted Labour because with all of the claims about things that Jeremy Corbyn's done

you can do a bit of research and soon find out that like they're misdiagnoses. They're like, they're spins on stuff. Like, yeah, people are claiming

that some diplomacy is terrorism, where he's actually speaking to come up with a peaceful thing, but it's because he's speaking and he's calling them his friends in the media because he's speaking to them and trying to find out what's making them so angry I don't know enough about this side of things

because I'm not a Labour member so I don't get involved. Yes, but I looked up because I was like, why are a bunch of my friends calling this man a terrorist? He seems like a pleasant guy. And I looked into it and sure enough you can find out that, you can unravel it, you get enough news stories from different angles, from different countries and you can

unravel it and go, alright, they've just went with the headline that the fucking sun's fed them i've done my research and i found out this now all the claims about boris johnson the more you dig about him the worse he is the worse he is you cannot find any redeeming features on the things that he said and the things that he's done and like so on the surface of shit you've just got all of the different newspapers are giving out on these people but you can dig and find valuable like

valid arguments for one guy and you can find nothing on the other guy. Regardless they're going to win a majority. They are going to win a majority because people different can't dig in and sometimes people do vehemently defend their position on a stance. So even if you can present information

and evidence on a certain thing, that actually compromises their position in a social group because they could be in a yard in a kind of manual labour position with very hard-working people alongside them that read the same newspapers. Now, if they go in with a different idea than the rest of them, they could get kind of ostracised.

So they step in line into this position where they're popular because of their opinion. They come in and go, fucking Corbyn's a communist terrorist and it makes them popular. It's actually virtual signaling within their within their subculture and how do you step how do you step out of the lane

from that but I would also argue that's what we're doing now with this like they could be saying the exact same thing but as the sort of media we the sort of people

we fucking hang out with we're doing a podcast where we're literally just echoing each other's thoughts like I mean perhaps but man I like to think that if I if I found found some ideology literally just heckling each other's thoughts. Like, I mean... Perhaps.

But, man, I like to think that if I found some ideology within the Tory manifesto, I'd be able to go, you know what, I like what they're saying here and I like what they're doing there, but fucking I can't. Right. So, uh-huh. That's where I'm at.

So there's a lot of people who actually are one bad day away from needing a decent government and might need the state and they're voting for that rug to be pulled from underneath them and it's quite sad to watch from my point of view. I'll be honest with you. But we'll be all right. That's the fucking Tory attitude though, but we'll be all right. I'm fine.

I'm a fucking rave. I've got all the Tory attitude here. I think 15 minutes is enough of sports and politics. Are we done? Yeah, it is Poland day. It is Poland day.

No, I think it's up to you. We may as well share our opinions on everything. but let's not fucking turn into that show. Let's go to a much funnier game of hypotheticals. Yes.

Right. Celebrity orgy dead or alive five people plus you two have to be blokes one has to be over 65 and you have to fuck everyone

can I just tell you something here right you didn't need to tell us a couple of them had to be blokes good I want

honestly I want the lasses to have a good time do I I'm sure they'reies to have a good time do I I'm sure they're going to have a good time with each other but if they want a bit of cock

like ah there's not enough of me to go and run five women no one you know what I can put in a decent shift on one lassie

I feel like so when you so you're doing it with the sense of okay when you pick one of the guys you're going to pick

someone that you think the other women in the orgy will want to fuck so it's like you're trying to do right by them I'm a socialist it's a very very

liberal approach to it which is a liberal thing within itself but you do have to fuck the blokes as well that's important oh man there's

fucking orgy rules though no orgy rules you have to fuck everyone there you have to fuck everyone there you have to fuck everyone in there so it's six people including you

so you pick five other people two or three blokes one has to be over 65 and you have to fuck everyone that's non-negotiable alright you no

there you are I'm technically doing one of those that's not a thing that's not don't pick me first your mum's dad that guy's an Don't pick me first Your mum and dad That guy's an over 65 as well

You and your parents How dare you They're not over 65 I'm asking you Oh Not even close I think my dad's My dad's 55

I don't know how old he was How old am I? 29 No Neither of my parents Aren't celebrities So A celebrity

Alright So you can obviously Pick me Now you want to be picked no neither my parents aren't celebrities so a celebrity alright so you can obviously pick me now you want to be picked now you want to be picked you're a celebrity

you've made a compliment you did you did it for the reason it's good for you because you know I can't get revenge

you know in my world I can't pick you just be dishonest hey you think I've got a podcast following right so

who are you picking two blokes three women or three blokes two it's up to you you know what's funny with these hypotheticals

like it's hard not to just live in the past with them you know and like you two because you have this like because you're much

more sexually charged in your your adolescence so it's much easier to like you know if you go oh I'd have Pamela Anderson and Eva Longoria or something like that but they may not

I don't know what the what the length of these things is yeah but I get because it's dead or alive I'm saying you can pick people out there are you suggesting he has one right

let's pick a let's pick the one that's 65 to be the bloke he's kind of just old sweaty balls slapping you on the belly while he's doing your dog style

that was gross I'm telling you don't I'm saying don't make the big swingy so I'm saying so don't make the bloke over 65

because what you can do is because how out of my new 36 how many years can I go back since since I was like pulling

magazines off the shelf softcore I loved softcore porn back in the day mate I did actually I really loved there was one FHM

with Gil Porter aye who we so you see like nipples in there she follows me on Twitter I'm kidding I did actually I really loved there was one FHM with Gail Porter aye whoo wee so you see like nipples in there she follows me on Twitter I'm kidding no but like you see nipples in there

or is it just tits ah you see nips from time to time fudge nah I never get fudge so like the one with Christina Aguilera and Maxim Wishes

in the swimming pool oof but like I wonder if when I was watching them some of the girls were like in that you know on the edge of their

modeling years and they might be like 65 new but they're probably not because it probably wasn't like like 45 year olds in there

in that bracket probably not no no I need age check some of these who's your Mars friend

hey Sheila Ferguson hi get Sheila in the mix is she 65 and she'd break you she'd fucking demolish you

she'd absolutely you know what it is can I have her in five blokes aye so Sheila well they're just like a fucking

battlefield of wounded soldiers and she's just fucking so Sheila Ferguson from the three degrees for people that don't understand that reference

and for people who are going suddenly going Daniel Stossel's mum is friends with Sheila Ferguson from the three degrees is that true

and how is that possible and let me tell you a story when I was about 12 or 13 years old I signed up to a TV show programme on ITV

called Celebrities Under Pressure where basically a celebrity would go to her family's house and learn a task for a fucking week that celebrity for us

we got on the show couldn't fucking believe it Sheila Ferguson was our celebrity came to our house for a week she had to learn 50 tartans

and then on the show live in front of an audience guests would be able to tell what tartan people were wearing all 10 of them to win like as a holiday

to fucking Australia or whatever it was which is obviously an incredibly difficult task 50 separate tart as a holiday to fucking Australia or whatever it was which is obviously an incredibly difficult task 50 separate tartans or a week to learn anyway she lost is it You Bed?

what? I don't know what that is was the TV show You Bed? no it was Celebrities Under Pressure you did actually say that I did aye which is why I was so confused

and then Vernon Kaye felt so bad that we lost that he bought me a bike did he? aye you got groomed by Vernon Kaye? no bad that we lost it that he bought me a bike did he? aye you got groomed by Vernon Kaye? no

man bought you a bike aye because I was crying and I couldn't keep a secret he's a lovely man he was like that's not fair

he said himself he was like that challenge was absolute fucking bullshit that was very difficult that seems incredibly unfair like I'm going to get them so she come along

and tried to guess your taunting oh it didn't do well and she didn't do well no she did she did very well but she just didn't win she didn't win the prize and as she left

did you go when will I see you again and she's like let's stay in touch no was that her no because yes it was

yes yes so she felt so guilty even though she was given an impossible task because, yes, it was. Yes! Yes! She felt so guilty, even though she was given an impossible task, and she's a lovely, lovely, lovely woman, so she has remained friends with my mother. So, right, there's your over 65 and one of your women.

Well done. And good choice. She's older than 65, but she is still absolutely fucking static like it's I think I nailed that one aye you really did

I can't pick her because she's like an aunt I've noticed this since I was 13

if my aunt looked like Sheena Ferguson I'd take her down to Cougar Town also how does she like your aunt these are different colours Like, I'd take her down to Cougar Town. Also, how does she make your aunt?

These are different colours. I don't know. It's not biological. One of my other aunts could be a lesbian. One of my uncle could remarry. That's true. Like, marry her then. You could definitely do your number

on your uncle you could definitely absolutely do a number on your uncle if your auntie like by marriage looked like Sheila Ferguson mine would fucking

you'd be like I could deal with it at 10 hour Christmas whatever fuck Sheila anyway you picked Sheila Ferguson uh huh

right so now I've got to think what would Sheila like? Oh, you're not going to pick the other two women first and then find a compliment? I'll go down

and I'll like... Of course. Because I guess the rule of the orgy is Sheila has to have sex with everyone too. Another thing, I've got to invite

another couple of singers along and then I'm going to end up just talking shop and I'll feel a bit isolated like I don't know any singing chat. How many are we going to do two women two blokes

now so six are including me right however choices choices I wonder if it would be a good idea to

pick a porn star at this point maybe aye ooh but again I'm a bit stuck in the past with that as well if it would be a good idea to pick a porn star at this point? Maybe. Aye. Ooh. But again, I'm a bit stuck in the past with that as well

because I'd pick Nicole Graves but like, you can't really get HD ones of her because she came with... Well, no, I guess because I said dead or alive so, you know...

Did you say dead or alive? I said dead or alive. Yeah, because I think... Dead or alive in the orgy, obviously. I think you've got to take... You cannot... You cannot pick Nicole Graves. alive in the orgy obviously I think you've got to take you can't you can't you're not picking

Nicole Graves you can't just you can't just bring like Michael Jackson from back to the you can't just you could bring back from there

you couldn't just take his body out of the ground and be like you know so if I got like Nicole Graves as I knew

in the poems that have frozen her in pain from the early thousands? Yeah, I'd allow it. You're banging Sheila Ferguson, this is already fantasy. And also nowadays I still think it would be class for Nicole just in that old, like, just that way of like, you know, just for nostalgia. I spent a lot of time with that lass. Aye, so by then, as opposed to the grizzle war that she has now

aye now I'm going to need someone to bring to the fucking age ratio of the group without going full Prince Andrew so erm

who because again I'm so is one of your men Geoffrey Epstein I'm so fucking stuck in the past year that I'm like

I'm tempted to truck a Beyonce in or something I'm like I'm going to be the youngest person'm like I'm definitely going to chuck a Beyonce in or something I'm like I'm going to be the youngest person in this whole GPL I'm going to be a promise I'm going to be a promise

spring chicken Are you younger than Beyonce? Surely However when I was in school and that I'm sure I was dancing Let's see how old the Queen is

I'm not putting Oh fuck I should have chucked her in as me over 65 She's not over 65 The Queen Oh the the Queen is I'm not putting oh fuck I should have chucked her in as me over 65 she's not over 65 the Queen oh the Queen sorry no I'm talking

Beyonce's the Queen you damn thing but I should have alright you fucking idiot Beyonce is 38 years old aye

aye chuck Beyonce in with us aye and then Jay-Z and Nicole Grahams have them both in fucking away have it up

get Jay-Z in the next eye fucking hell they'll have the only white guy in the audience who we've got Sheila Ferguson Beyonce

Jay-Z and me and Nicole Graves now it's like Justin Trudeau's cabinet just very very limp on the walk

so erm I've got it right so there's me Jay-Z Beyonce Sheila Ferguson Nicole Graves

aye gonna hit a tag in Matty celebrity I'm gonna hit a get Matty's fucking on Netflix special I just want someone

there that'll appreciate the fucking to help to help fucking open Beyonce's oh no because I've got to

fuck them and I'll have no oh fuck I've got to I've got to get shagged off Jay-Z that's not going to tickle no I think it will

I think it's well because that would be my thing that you've got to take into consideration like how much am I like is Jay-Z

going to knock me out so much that it's my turn on Beyonce I'm like I can't pardon the pun but I can't be arsed I reckon I've absolutely

fucked this Audrey by the way that's the point of it I knew I'd do it in like one bloke to share this experience with us aye

and also Rattlers aye alright get Eminem in the mix that's aye it's just like aye

I just asked him if they renegade while I put you on isn't that I'm a renegade while I butcher on it. I'm a renegade. There we are. Done. Put a pin in that one.

I'm looking forward to it. I'll try and make it happen and see what I can do. I'll put on some canopies. Hey, hey, I've got ties in with Sheila Ferguson so when I fit her the way there. I'll put on some canopies and that.

Food everywhere just like the party was do you want to put some canapés on the small of your back just while Jay-Z just the same way they put a fly in it you Reinald Jay-Z and Reinald

fucking discussing a new track over your back while Eiffel Towering you aye class we smorgasbord I was just saying I'm grabbing one of Nicole Graves' boobs,

and it's not gay if you're grabbing a boob. I'm on base. So are you happy with that? Aye, good. I've got Helen Mirren. Nobody asked you. I cannot think of your suit. Aye.

Helen Mirren. Aye, absolutely. Anyway, she's still hot and I reckon I don't know alright man I reckon she's like

she's like a dignifying hot she's not orgy hot I disagree I reckon she's not like she's not like pure filth hot no but I reckon

she is pure filth hot maybe she's not but I don't know man she grew up in the fucking 60s man if you see the movies like she's been hot her whole life there's no way she's not but I don't know man she's a man she grew up in the fucking 60s man she's been she's been hot her whole life

there's no way she's not the best at shagging in the world surely surely no Dolly Parton Dolly Parton

Dolly Parton's a fucking G by the way aye she is yeah I listen to her podcast she's a fucking she's mint aye she's totally she's totally clashed she's like a like a practising feminist rather than a preaching feminist Aye she is Yeah I listen to her podcast The Buddha She's a fucking She's mint Aye

She's totally class She's like a Like a practising feminist Rather than a preaching feminist And she doesn't like Really go down the Like she just shows Like it's this fucking

It's great hearing her It's good egg Is she still alive? Yes Very much so In a Aye like I found myself

Knitting on a train Listening to Dolly Parton Interviews and that And I was like Fuck man I didn't know life could be this good I didn't even see

this avenue as an option you do sound like a labourer I've got a fucking oodle of respect for Dolly Lake she's class well I respect

that she's not taking place as Helen Mirren and plus she's not replacing Sheila Lake I am Mike Coulter was going to be

one of my guys he's the guy that plays Luke Cage aye aye because here's the thing about him

I know he's huge but he looks like a gentleman and I reckon like you know he'd be dead respectful he'd be dead nice and he'd be gentle

with me and you know just good chap he seems like a nice bloke he'd like to be in good company with him take a bullet then for me

two two two ladies erm the queen you got your over 65 that's a big

finalism you're still the youngest person or Audrey by the way aye aye it's going to remain though I don't I can't go any other the way it's going to remain that way

I can't go any other direction really I don't it's where you can't have like you can't have someone in their 60s and someone in their

20s and all that it's got to be off kilter there's got to be such a generation gap that you can't be like well we're used to we've got nothing in common

I go em oh em Halle Berry saw her in a movie I go em oh em Halle Berry saw her in a movie she was in John Wick 3 and I was like

she's still incredibly gorgeous Halle's classy aye she's a very very aye sword fishing once this

was em aye she I've spent a bit of time with her like maybe that'll open more well like I know her

but she knows me and then fucking so you need another another lassie another laddie I do

there's a oh god I can't I was going to say Idris Elba but then I'm just revealing I've got a type I do think strong black guy I was going to say strong black guy as well that's in a lot of stuff, he was in True Detective but he's also in Luke Cage he's in Luke I was going to say the last day Strong Black Eye as well that's in a lot of stuff he was in True Detective but he's also in Luke Cage

oh fucking yes he's in House of Cards he's very good aye aye aye oh he is he's fucking handsome oh Josh Holloway

there's the other one fucking Sawyer from Lost absolutely you are still stuck in the past also isn't it funny how you get like I wouldn't know if like

like I'm trying to think who like my dad's generation would have been who was that was that like Kim Basinger in that or was that too young

I don't know I'm trying to think the generation above me I think it's Kim Basinger is it I think so oh god one of us is wrong

I wonder if let's double down I wonder if like people just stick to their generation of hotties well you know you could just throw in

Marilyn Mountain just put a bit of fucking flavour on the pot it makes it up Marilyn Monroe

I was going to bring a car battery fuck it and that's it it's Cleopatra I get green sleeves as the

bloke so what have you got Helen Mirren Luke Cage Helen Mirren Mike Colter Josh Holloway I'll be calling them

by their names do you know who I think has replaced Sawyer from Lost as the current hottie the guy that's there the bad guy in Punisher

oh John Berthnault would be decent John Berthnault would be decent he'dtham would be decent he'd be angry though I reckon he'd hit me he'd hit you aye

but like in a very sexual way but I don't even like being even like love tapped gently I reckon he's into much more

it wouldn't be a laugh with John Bertham would it I don't think it would you're not having a laugh and a carry on like you'd put mean mugging

the whole time like dude man stop mean mugging at the OG you're freaking everybody out Helen's like we're worrying if you fix something's up oh do you know how you'd be a fucking other good bloke just for the crack fucking Ian McKellen would be great why not put a gay guy like a man

Ian McKellen would be fucking mad Ian McKellen over 65 and a bloke in fact you know what that is one of mine I'll take out Josh Holloway it's Ian McKellen aye also Ian McKellen

absolutely knows how to fuck me he absolutely does you've got a couple of pensioners at your origin leg aye well you know

I mean probably it's not their first time fucking to do this with you you're just like I watched them fucking and chatting that just like

slow wanking keep talking you're just like I watched them fucking and chatting that just like slow working you're still going keep talking you're a pair of legends two national treasures just sitting on different halves of my body

fucking Luke Cage moving his cell up and diving man I'm loving it it's fucking great and then Cleopatra she's confused

doesn't speak a lick of English doesn't understand how this has happened she's getting freaked out by the whole lighting situation I'm the whitest thing she's ever seen

you need one that's that everyone that's a full house that's a bad orgy that lick bad fuck you look I'm just not a fan of your orgy alright you don't have nearly enough wrappers in for my lick that's a full house that's a bad orgy that leg bad fuck you look I'm just not a fan of your orgy right

you don't have nearly enough rappers in for my leg see here's my hypothetical Elliot Steele's been dangled over the cliff by a villain right sold

how much by one leg five million by one leg right so what are you going to do, right, to save Elliot's life? Not interested.

Already know, whatever it is, regardless, not interested. Next question. I'm not kidding. Next question. I'll force you the question.

That's where you go. You've got to ask Elliot three questions. Otherwise he dies one how funny is this going to be two you're scared

three how much do you trust me my dad used to send me tablet photos bye he's going to get the questions right for him to live

right brilliant it's okay right Elliot what's my middle name he's got to get the questions right for him to live right brilliant it's okay right Elliot what's my middle name right so let's make it realistic here right so I'm

in this in this in this hypothetical I'm trying to save Elliot's life yes the the whole realisation of the situation fucking dawns on you you're like

oh all well and good laughing but Elliot's about fucking dawns on you you're like oh all well and good laughing but Elliot's about to die right and you realise like oh fuck I actually didn't want to be responsible for Elliot

dying you've got to ask him three questions and he's got to get all three of them right but if the let's call him the Riddler if the Riddler

thinks the question's too easy he dies so you've got to ask him a fairly complicated question that he think he's gonna get right okay fucking oh god this is like where you've got a question your friendship is like how much do I know what what's he got okay first one cool is and

when was the I don't know if I'm going to get the name right because I don't even fucking know the answer to it but like the Bolshevik revolution oh that's that's an interesting one because like maybe you don't even know the answer yourself no no I don't

I know Elliot knows because Elliot's really into Russian history so Elliot definitely knows way more about me but sort of this is difficult for me I've got to find out what I know about Russia and ask him a question Elliot knows, because Elliot's really into Russian history, so Elliot definitely knows way more about me. This is difficult for me. I've got to find out what I know about Russia and ask him a question.

Do you think Elliot knows a lot about Russian history because you know nothing about Russian history? No, no, no. Because he could have fooled you by bullshit with confidence and with somebody that's a historical scholar they could just go, what the fuck is this muppet? Oh, no, no, no.

A historical scholar would destroy the fucking pyramids. There's no question in that. No, I do know, like two years in high school we spent studying a little bit of Russian history and I've also done some reading on it myself so I know

little bits and pieces not enough look it's a fucking huge country and the history is fucking you know very complicated

and weird so I reckon or I'd be like name five SARS or something like that I forgot to tell you the question

I would go when when was the Or I'd be like, name five SARS or something like that. I've got to tell you the question. I would go, when did Stalin die? Oh, God, you think you know the answer to that? I think he does, aye. Okay. First one. So question one. I've got a feeling I might be dead after question one.

I think. I didn't add this thing. Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry. Just for the soundbite. Oh, no. Right, so question number two. I think a different artist thing okay sorry sorry sorry just for the soundbite oh no right so question number two

how much wood could a woodchuck jack of a woodchuck cook jack wood make sure

he just gets it wrong no I would say when I would go you could

ask him like because if general football related question like who was the who was the Crystal Palace player

that they had on loan off Chelsea in the in the 2018 2019 season being a Crystal Palace fan doesn't require intelligence like the second you bring that up

yeah but the red light would go I don't know how to answer that because who gives a shit mid-term it's Mitchie Butch why second question would be... You know, I would get called by the red light. I was going to be like,

what's... What element is diamonds made from? Because he now fucking knows. I didn't even... What did he say it was? He said it was... Is it fire? Fire?

What element is coal made from? Yeah, fire. Fire. So, I'd put it... What element is coal made from? And he'd hopefully just go off. Do you think he'd still know it yeah fire so do you think he'd still know it was carbon do you think

he would be able to he must because he knew he was wrong with fire but did he actually learn

the answer he didn't know he was wrong with fire oh no but he knows now that he was wrong with fire

so he knows that you might end up saying water I remember it was a trick question last time it's impossible

to save Elliot aye well we're going to go fucking where else he doesn't know much I actually had you know the game

what's in the bag aye do you know what I'd go I was playing that with Elliot because at the end we got loads right when I was with him

but that doesn't help in this situation I'd go name oh yeah right when I was with him but that doesn't help in this situation I'd go name oh yeah name fucking name five countries

that used to yeah name five countries that used to be part of the USSR the USSR so all this stuff

would be about Russian history yeah because outside of that like I don't trust him to do math like I know he reads but I don't trust him to do math

like I know he reads but I don't know what he's read you could ask him a question about comedy is that like a comedy read he doesn't know much about comedy

so that's not he's not the mechanics of it for instance what time to put a show on this has become a roast of Elliot Steele

aye that's what this podcast has always been this is great so you have three questions what are they

they were okay five countries used to be part of the USSR what element is coal made

from and the when did Vladimir no when did Stalin die when did Stalin die ayeir no when did which one did I say

when did Stalin die when did Stalin die aye yeah okay I think Elliot's dead well next

I know mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm

mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm mm-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m body part but you got to trade it in for an additional body part of something else what would you trade so like literally I think this is actually going to be

too easy and quick I would absolutely swap my little finger for another thumb imagine a Playstation man you'd finally be decent at FIFA you'd definitely need

a little finger when you're playing Playstation but then you'd never be decent at FIFA? You'd definitely need a little finger when you're playing PlayStation. But then you'd never be able to drink tea again. Not the way you drink it. Excuse me? Excuse me, we're friends with Tom Houghton and you went to me.

How fucking dare you? We are friends with Tom Houghton, who lives in the fucking Tower of London. And when I suggest putting a fucking pinky up, you to me I'll fucking knock you out that's a horrible thing to say you fucking piece of shit how dare you I've found

how to get to you haven't I yeah I'm gonna write a letter with me pinky up la dee da you're getting pushed eh

I don't nah nah you don't like that I wouldn't be able to make any promises people would assume you'd broken one

they'd be like he can't be trusted I don't care that you can give me three thumbs up he has a little side question how

how much does crossing pinkies cement a promise for you like does it make any difference to the promise? Does it devalue it

into something you'd happily break easily? No, you know what I mean? Do you have honour in a pinky promise? It genuinely adds, like,

I will, in the same way that I'm, and I know I shouldn't be this person, but if I go, no, no, I swear you go swear in your mum's life and be like,

no. You can't go with just kidding even though you're not superstitious but still just because I just don't want the joke made afterwards because

if she does die then it's confirmation bias for these fucking idiots and they can always use me in their goddamn arguments

and also you like if you are honourable on a pinky swear that means people would really trust your pinky swear so you could actually use

it to set someone trust is important to me so if it's a pinky promise I will I'll always reassess I'll go if someone gives

pinky promise I'll go right I pinky promise or you know I go fuck yourself not a chance

I don't know if I I won't pick up at the airport not a chance I could probably deceive someone for a pinky promise

if I really wanted to I think I could like I'd really wanted to I think I could like I'd have more like I could I could sell someone my trust with my tone if I need to bring

my little finger in if I'm happy this is a fucking bell in I could probably betray them in a heartbeat if they need Pinky on it it's a fucking muggle trick muggles Pinky swear

put that in the corner I think three but that's it what else do I need no no fucking first of all

I didn't need me little finger for a wagon I can probably get rid of two three of those listeners enjoy this part of the show

should you tell me that fucking it's muggle-y as fuck right this is different right this is different what am I

what am I currently pulling out of my wallet right now you've got a card we have a card each we have a card each right where we're going to

no no no I'll ask the questions what is it called it's not a promise card no it's called something worse we've got a best friend card we've got a best friend card

why are you telling people this because you were on your high horse there being like I'm better than people that make pinky promise

these fucking muggles this is a fun game this is like the banana game it's like the point of the

banana and make each other like honestly this is just a fun game and you've blew it out of proportion here I might

put it in with pinky swear you made it look like we've got a best friends club and a little fucking password and a

secret handshake and that we've fucking ended up with these printout cards. I think a porn star that looks like me. I don't know if it is a porn star. I think it is. I thought it was only Fools and Horses porn

that somebody put in a WhatsApp group. And somebody screen capped a picture of Rodney with a robin mask on because it looks like me. And you, like, thought and forgetting about that picture right handed me

your new printout you know your printing thing and you guys can I hold this no no no the Polaroid you can print out

Polaroids so to print out and I thought you were handing us like a battery charger pack and I was like why am I holding

your fucking battery pack and all of a sudden a bit of and I went downstairs I handed them the Polaroid printer handed them it went downstairs glanced into the the Polaroid printer, handed him it, went downstairs, connected to the Wi-Fi, and then while I was having a shit,

I had this printed out in front of your hands, came out as a Polaroid. Uh-huh. So that came out in my hand. Slowly. It slowly came out, and then was out as a white sheet, and then as the picture developed, I'm left with this throwback fucking hilarious photo

of me looking like Rodney Trotter fucking laughing me tits off. Right. But it turns out you'd printed a practice one to see if it was going to work. So you were left with one as well because you thought it hadn't worked the first time because it needed to develop. And we're left with two fucking Rodney Trotter porn star cards. And I was like, ah, look at that. We've got best friend cards. And we use it

to like veto stuff veto stuff or do me a favour do a favour or tell them what to do like for example you've once used it on me where you

you were just feeling very very fucking ill and you were like today's the day when I just have to go and they all need you to do the soundcheck instead of anything

oh you did the soundcheck instead of me I did the soundcheck instead of you because you were feeling ill one day there was another one to yes there was

I tried to remember that one because that was a funny one I'd made a fucking I'd made a fuck up where everyone was going to laugh at us and you were about

to tell them nobody else saw it but you and you were about to tell them it was something to do we were very very high we were up in my living room

it was you and me I think Rick and somebody and basically at one point I just sort of gestured while talking and you weren't paying attention to what I was talking about I put my hand out

like to just hold it up into the air oh I think I was I've actually said the number five and I put it up in the air and then you earnestly went to high five it

because you hadn't been paying attention I thought you were kind of high fiving because you're a bunter yeah so I was just saying I think we should be here in about five minutes

and you just came back into conversation and then we were like oh nobody will know my life and I moved my hand away

just at the moment that you were going in for it nobody else saw it I died laughing and then you played this you're trying to

get everyone's attention to tell them what happened and then just fucking whipped the best friend car to eat me and went

different don't tell them so anyway thanks for betraying me trust right now on the podcast I got my wallet and went, Devon, Devon, don't tell them. So anyway, thanks for betraying my trust right now on the podcast. Well, actually, that's how,

if you listen back to it, actually, like you start telling the story, so it's actually all good. Nah, it's all good. We'll let you off on that one. All right.

So you'd change, right? So you'd do back to it. So, I think, I think if I was, because you wouldn't go on fucking extreme,

wouldn't you? You wouldn't go on all like on get rid of one of my arms give us an extra leg I'll just whack her on like a fucking tripod like the fucking the toy off toy story with the fucking head

you know the the Meccano legs and the and the doll's head if you whack her on like one of them I wouldn't

I wouldn't do anything extreme like that even though it would be class could you could you get on could I get on I'll lose a toe and I'd be gay. Even though it would be class. Could you get on Sony? Could I get on All Loser 2 and get an extra arm? No, it's got to be a leg for an arm. You would absolutely... Here's one that I could potentially think of.

I would potentially, but maybe I wouldn't. I was thinking, like, change my tongue. Because not having a tongue, as much as not tasting things would be shite. Imagine how fucking healthy you'd be if you didn't taste. Like, if taste was not an important fucking factor and just you could just put.

Because we definitely need to taste poison anymore. Like you can generally trust food now. So like the biggest thing for that is

like you taste something and it's like putrid and you don't want to bump it. Yeah but just imagine just man you could just eat

this. Well you're taking a big part of enjoyment out of your life there. You are but that's what I'm saying give you an extra

dick. Keep talking. Because because you're taking the part of enjoyment out of your life there later. You are, but that's what I'm saying, give your next a dick. Ooh, keep talking. Because, because you're taking the part of enjoyment, but it's not a thing of enjoyment. You're adding more enjoyment.

Where would you put it on a dick? On the forehead. You're being just like, they're happy, they're going. I don't want to, I don't know if I want to

taste anything again, but I want to be a dickhead for the rest of your life. Maybe, maybe like a, maybe on my knee. Here's one. What about getting rid of your nose and having an eye for the rest of your life maybe like maybe on my knee here's one what about getting

rid of your nose and have an eye on the back of your head ooh hmm so instead of smelling my farts I could see them

you could see the cloud you could look down ah I think I'm just going to go on with the fingers and thumbs I'm going to have

them both on the one side as well. You're going to freak though. You'll just be like, eh. Hi. I'm just telling you, kids are cruel. And then I'd kick both my fingers at once on one hand. How was that? I'd just do a proper percussion beat.

I'd start fucking... Imagine both hands now. I'd just start fucking pairing like a cricket I'm surprised that you would I'm surprised I'm surprised that you'd

fully give up your pinky because I would I would not you know handpick a pince and tactics wow

wow someone was offended about being called posh earlier bringing that into it you thought I'll get him

with it also in the truth as you are posh earlier bringing that into it you thought I'll get him with it also in the truth as you are posh I thought now am I pretty posh like right if you had a clean shot

on Donald Trump what would you take it with a gun nah you're just like you're just in a fucking target range you're like testing out like you're just in a fucking like target range

you're like testing the sight and all that and then all of a sudden Donald Trump whacks through your sight and you're like oh just one little

fucking flick of the finger nah nah it's not what I like my life too much and also because he would be stuck and it's also

it's not it's not my fucking job to it would also cause a lot of turbulence wouldn't it nah it would cause a whole lot of turbulence

that wasn't always going to be good but nah and then it also makes him a lot of turbulence wouldn't it it would cause a whole lot of turbulence that wasn't always going to be good and it also makes him a martyr and I would rather see him get impeached I'd rather see him go to jail

that's justice for me you know no I wouldn't right I'll pause the podcast what do you reckon what did you actually do change it to

change it to change it to Farage you'd pop Farage no no no I wouldn't because it's an opportunity. Ah, you'd pop Farage on. No, no, no, as much, no, I wouldn't. Because it's an opportunity to shut too,

you're taking the jail time, you're getting the, you're getting the punishment of it. actively, like, as much as we fucking joke about it, I wouldn't actually kill another fucking, I couldn't man.

No. It's not, it's not for me to, as much as I, because you talk a lot like, if you could press a button, like, you'd wave someone off the face of the planet.

No, but when it comes to, because there's no repercussions in that. no, no, it's, it's there's no repercussions in that. No, no, no. It's not up for me to decide who lives or dies. And I would never want that power. Wow, he's finally getting over his Messiah complex. No, it's the same thing with the fucking death penalty.

I'm fully against it. I'm like, it's not up for you to... Because here's the difference. I mean it in the sense, when some people die, it's good. sense when people when some people die it's good it is good when some people die some people come on this planet

and actively make the planet fuck it up yeah right when those people die it is excellent and it's good news and celebrating it is not a fucking bad thing

but it is nobody's right to take anyone's fucking life regardless like that it's just blanket rule for everyone you don't get to fucking take a life

did not expect that from you think you know a guy I thought you were flippant with the lives of your enemies no I am in speech of course

you know fuck it I do hate love but no it's not good to know aye aye

I think you're right I wouldn't take the shot but it would be fucking tempting though it would be fucking tempting though it would be fucking awesome like in a Groundhog Day kind of way

just watch the fucking exit wound just blow the back of his head off well no have you ever seen the JFK video no

and if that was Donald Trump I'd be watching it on repeat I'd want to pull the trigger but I'd probably watch that video I can't watch

any videos I even like the other day I didn't realise there was a video of Tommy Cooper dying on stage they actually fucking filmed the thing

and it's on YouTube and I'm like people thought he was part of his act but I'm like why is that still on there it's the same thing like after Steve Irwin died

one of the most Google things in the world was people wanted to watch the video I do but no I fully get more of a curiosity but and I have more of a curiosity but I don't I his people want to watch the video do it all I feel like you get more of a curiosity but

and I have more of a curiosity but I don't I don't I don't want to say like again yeah I've never I've never watched any of the fucking

like behind videos and shit like as soon as I realise a video like if somebody's like it's usually someone that you don't know that well that sends you

whatsapp fucking shit with like horrific stuff and you're like I'm like I'm not going to watch another video of that person just in case. I can't watch fake surgery in the TV show house. I'll close my eyes at that. I reckon if those were Donald Trump's last nation, I could watch the fucking bullet shot.

I reckon I could just go, no, I need to see this from my own eyes. I wouldn't revisit it. But I'd watch the video. Hold on, did you not watch the Twin Towers when it happened? Like, I'm not comparing that with watching Donald Trump get his ugly. But I mean, like, there was a party like, oh, I have to see this. This is a fucking huge thing. I have to see it.

Right. The death of Donald Trump also would be another 9-11 to 50% of Americans. Like, to them, it would be another 9-11 to 50% of Americans like to them it would be as bad as that so you know it would be another you know in that sense

aye but I guess it was different like I also didn't like the you know the only time I've ever seen the videos

of people jumping off the Twin Towers was in the 9-11 museum in New York when we went there and that was just because I think

because that's one of the things I think you have to watch 9-11 because you need to feel I think because that's one of the things I think you have to watch 9-11 because you need to feel the hurt aye that's yeah and and

and in 100% honesty if I was if I was being 100% honest with myself I know for a fact if I was watching Donald Trump it wouldn't be because

I was devastated he was gone I wouldn't be watching it for those reasons yeah I think with Donald Trump I found myself quite an empathetic person yeah I think with Donald Trump I found myself quite an empathetic person

but I think I've dehumanised him because of how much dehumanising he does he does so much dehumanising you're like fucking nah

well fine checkmate you're a superhuman but that's fighting fire with fire and that's how it's not a good place to be

no I get it man it gets me fucking and I don't feel this way all the time there's times when I get so angry with politics where I'm just like I do just wish all of you would fucking and I don't feel this way all the time there's times when I get so angry with politics where I'm just like I do just wish

all of you would fucking die but you know it's eh but those are the moments when you're in your fucking caveman head yeah aye

as long as you recognise it as long as you go that's my that's not my enlightened brain that's my primal brain that's doing the thinking aye as long as you can keep

that guy on a leash then you're fine aye and it doesn't do the driving let's move on to end to a happier note with dad jokes and also an even happier note of, oh my God, I'm not plugging any fucking shows. Absolutely, go fuck yourselves. I have nothing in the diary.

Fuck everyone. I've got some stuff to plug, but before I do... That's not true. I'm back in Australia and New York next year. It's on webcast. I mean, that's soon. I kindly declined, guys. So I was going to spend some time with my wife.

Slut. Hey. Not hi. That's why I said hi-at. I kindly declined guys so I was going to spend some time with my wife um what hey you're not home that's what I said hey lad um there's something I want to ask you every day

on the tour um when you say welcome to the stage Kai Humphries the fucking music kicks in and I'm about to

whack on aye and then you say something to us every day you say the same thing yeah I can never hear you

because the music's blasting. Just saying, good luck, best friends. Hope it goes really well. Because you haven't got that look on your face. No. You're always looking at us like, you're like, fuck, fuck, fuck. No, I'm just saying.

I mix it up every night, but it's normally like a mixture of like, oh, thanks for being here. Like, it wouldn't be the same without you. I didn't think it was that. No? Because I spend the time, time Like before I walk on I'm just like Oh is that me

That's going on You can't Because I'm just like maiming Is this me Am I about to walk on I was like I'll give it a second Let the music kick in

I'll back out Let the ladies come on You know So I'll just like I'll maim Oh have I got a guy to work So I'll be Matt here I'm like it's you

In your leg I'm like Show your leg Fuck die on your arse Have a shit gig You're a horrible prick No no Is it not like that

because it seems like you've got that kind of context about you no well I have to change my facial features because at one point I said I'm like yeah it's you

you're up you're the big dog you're gonna smash this they're gonna love you I would say good luck but you don't need it you know that sort of thing I just wanted to check

I'm glad you checked that's nice today I'm gonna be telling you the gandalf thing it's actually nice for me because I thought you were able to hear it so I'll going to be like

thanks buddy give you a hug and that I'll be fine with that I've got a solo show on the 22nd nobody cares it's the 22nd it's in Newcastle

oh it is I'm going to do that and also you can buy all three of my shows off my website it's cargameshows.com not only that you should

you should buy them they've listened to enough free content they might as well they might as well buy the paint and listen to my jokes you know

you will enjoy them I'm very proud of them shows I've watched them back I was like they're very good boy they're good it makes you like because I put a bit online

I had to put the subtitles on and I was like because I ended up checking a couple other bits from that show and I was like it makes it hard for you couple other bits from that show and I was like it makes it hard for you to write

a new show when you look at your old stuff because you watch your old stuff as it's like developed but your new stuff

always just seems a bit weak because it hasn't developed yet it's just an idea I'm in the opposite of the moment my jokes I'm telling

in the moment are so not so much ones I'm doing now I just mean like old stuff if I look back at like

2015 stuff because you look back at like 2015 stuff because you're like so like it's five years ago now you're a bit proud of yourself

from back in the day like oh no not yet no I still see holes in my old stuff like there's still it's too close to who I am now

if I watched 25 year old me I'd just go that's still not you know you're not there yet it's not good enough yet I've written you a bit

today and I was really pleased with it when I was writing I can't tease myself until I'm done I've got Punch Drunk coming up oh yeah

Punch Drunk's coming up too oh yeah I actually plugged in because of it I was being a dick so I've got I've got Punch Drunk on Monday in Cramlington

Tuesday in Blythe which is nearly sold out so you've got to grab tickets fast if you want to come to in Blythe which is nearly sold out so you've got to grab tickets first if you want to come to Blythe Ashington is already sold out

and then I'm at the Newcastle stand on the I'm actually there all weekend but I'm going to do the 22nd as a solo show and

that's going to be a party it's my last gig of the year on the 22nd so I'm gigging every day for the next 10 days come to

one of them your dad wears his shoes backwards so that when he runs out on your family it looks like he's still in the house and very good at hiding your dad sits in the gents toilets of taiga taiga

singing freshen up for the pool nanny don't you know freshen up you've got to freshen up your dad does press ups but for some reason counts using the alphabet

A B dead weird everyone in the gym knows this but nobody talks to him about it they just call him the alphabet guy

poor Sesame Street your dad always hoax phone calls the fire brigade and plays the chorus to Kings and Lear and my sex is unfair Kings and Lear

and my sex is unfair down the lane but one day he cried wolf Just on the phone wolf Man That was an actual dad joke

It's meta Your dad thinks Dutch cottage means farting in public and that Dutch oven is an oven that you split with other people Your dad doesn't understand the rules to soggy biscuit and just sucked everyone's cock

Your dad got his tonsils pierced with mini disco balls and just farted in his mouth and everyone was waiting Your dad watched Toy Story and now he always busts back into the room just after he leaves to try and catch

your mam's dildo who doesn't Woody or Buzz I just named him your dad has a bucket list of every bucket he's fucked your dad picked up super glue instead of

his anisole now he shits out of his penis My car broke down On the motorway Dead engine As chances are Your dad drove by Good bully my luck

Honestly I was like No way Kev So he pulls over Added me two jumper leads I attached them to my car battery He attached them to his nipples Yelled mum Thank me and left

I hate to be pedantic here But that wouldn't work because your battery died. So he was just using a dead battery out of his nipples. I didn't take out that's good. I'm awful. I didn't take out that's good.

Your dad ticks all the boxes, but little does he know that spoils his ballot paper. Oh man, you're kidding. I know. My next feminist. Shit, you know. Nipples, young mum, thank me and left. My next one. Your dad put a cross in every ballot box as his ballot paper oh man you're kidding I know my next feminine shit you know nipples young man

thank you my next one your dad put a cross in every ballot box because he hates what Brexit has done to this country and just wants us

all to be friends again oh my god we're in sync my dad my dad suicide suicide still fucking hell Jesus Christ My dad... Suicide! Friendly fire!

Still fucking hell. Jesus Christ. That's right, that's the first friendly fire. It's not friendly fire, it's a suicide. Oh, okay. Pull yourself up, go and finish it,

you're done, what? My dad... So this is, you know, this is true, this is just a confession. My dad started home ruminating for hours

about the window cleaner because the window cleaner just laughed it off when he told him quite clearly that he'd missed a confession. My dad started rumours for hours about the window cleaner because the window cleaner just laughed it off when he told him quite clearly that he'd missed a bit. That sounds like your dad.

Your dad flips off when horses drive by. He flips off horses when they drive by. Not horses,

that's my joke. Yeah, catchphrase. Eh? I said your catchphrase your dad Pinsad what?

sorry your dad Pinsad girls back in 2002 and that was the very same day that Matty found himself

a new role model your dad thinks that the word boomer is bigoted he's like that's our name word. Okay, if it's just snowflake. That's our word for you.

When you get offended by... That is... Sorry to leave the thing away. You know when people, the boomer generation, call people who get offended snowflakes? And then they get offended by the word boomer. They're usually offended by the thing that they're doing. They're also... They're usually offended by the thing that they're doing. Aye, they're also...

They're usually like a grown man getting offended by a young lad with a top knot. Aye. That's snowflakey. Like, why does that guy give a fuck about that guy's haircut? What if he's got one? In Cambridge University, certain students are putting their hands up in the air instead of clapping for autistic people. And these people are going, oh, this world's changing.

And you're like, man, you do not go to Cambridge University. Why oh this world's changed you're like man you do not go to Cambridge University why do you give a shit like man do not get me wrong right if somebody comes up to you and goes

hey don't ever clap your hands again you personally right now never let's clap your hands again absolutely kick off and scream as much as you did

clap in the face clap in the fucking face it's not what's happening buddy somebody did something somewhere and you decided that was outrageous you are being snowflake

you've been a little bit of a Piers Morgan about it your dad worried about burning fire and turned in hell because of all the sins

he had since his last Weight Watchers meeting everybody should be more worried about burning those calories

before Tuesday's weigh in your dad won't trust a fire but he'll trust Boris Johnson with our NHS the end your dad won't trust a fart but he'll trust Boris Johnson with our NHS

the end could that be the last podcast of the tour it most likely is I mean if you can fucking

well no you might do another one I'll do some with Elliot give him a chance I'll ask him to quit

oh no he'll listen to the podcast do his research never say never maybe after this maybe after I've got Fucking two weeks off

In my own fucking house For the first time In 18 fucking months Maybe once I learn To smile and feel joy again Right it feels good To say this guys But we'll see you

After the tour Bye Oh we're just in Remy Oh what are you saying No no We can end like that We can end the tour like that Well no we won't

Yes we will No go on So now it's like The fucking last one In Poland all over again. I'm in the top one. I do that. I fucking know you.

Oh, man. You're not an hour ago. Are we in the same seats? Fucking explosion. When you got tired of us asking if we're in the same seats. Let's go see a record, shall we? Yeah, if I can see a record.