Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 35 AFC Sunburnland

Episode Date: February 27, 2017

Geordie Muggins has accidentilly sunburned himself into sunderland colours to the joy of guest Andrew Stanley. Recorded in Adelaide they discuss upsetting Cream from across the globe and accidentally wrecking hippies. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

We're in the same seats. That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

Ladies and gentlemen, men and gentle ladies, welcome to the Sloss and Humphreys on the Road podcast. If this is your first time listening, it's a podcast where me, Kai Humphreys, and Daniel Sloss go on the road and talk shit on the podcast. And Daniel wanted me to do an introduction, so that was it. Do you like it? It's very professional.

I thought I was listening to Serial Series 3 it was so professional oh man I hated it it was so professional he was like dude you can't just bust straight into the podcast you've got to do an introduction he was like

you've got to do a thing oh Daniel so any new listeners who have just heard the introduction where I said me and Daniel Sloss are on the road we're not always on the road together sometimes we have to draft in a legend I guess it's not that professional where I said me and Daniel Sloss are on the road but we're not always on the road together.

Sometimes we have to draft in a legend. I guess it's not that professional. But no legends were available so we brought Andrew Stanley back. Back again. Hashtag no legends available. So I've just got to your new place in Adelaide. We're in Adelaide now.

We're in Adelaide now. If you listen, last time we recorded we were in Perth. Was that long ago? Last time we recorded we were in Perth. Was that long ago? Last time we recorded we were in Perth. Wow.

Because Sloss was like, oh, I'll do first as you do Mondays and then he went to New York and didn't have any friends. I don't know who that is. Because he couldn't find a legend there.

Look at that, Sloss. Why don't you do an introduction there? An introduction to some other people. There's nobody in New York to do a podcast with but one of the most

talent-rich fucking cities in the entire world. They're all on holiday, man. They're all on holiday. There's nobody in New York to do a podcast with, but one of the most talent-rich fucking cities in the entire world. They're all on holiday, man. They're all on holiday. It's actually just him there at the moment. Just him and Kevin Hart. Busking.

Busking. He did a gig with Kevin Hart, didn't he? Kevin Hart supported him. That's what he told us. Did Kevin Hart go on first and then he went on second? Kevin Hart asked Sloss

to go on after him because he was worried about Sloss doing better than him. So who got to do all the black material? Sloss. Did Kevin Hart just stayoss to go on after him because he was worried about Sloss doing better on him. So who got to do all the black material? Sloss. It's Kevin Hart, just the awful one. He just said, he said, Kevin, don't mention black people. That's my stuff.

It's steps on all my gear, that's all I've got. It's steps on all my gear. So what he was telling me, speaking of black comedians, was it Kevin Hart? No, it was Hannibal Buress was supporting um what's the name of the guy who was on uh 30 rock uh tina fey yes the great black comic tina fey uh no the black guy from that i don't i don't watch it oh i can't remember brian's screaming at the podcast now yeah brian's gone how dare you you so he was supporting him on tour anyway we'll edit in his name later

should I just google his name no we've got a phone we don't come to this podcast for facts how dare you yeah that's what I'm saying we speculate we speculate

we just say a black person feel free feel free I mean it's already ridiculous okay I'm going to look it up you talk talk amongst yourselves so I've got to look it up. You talk amongst yourselves.

So I've just, me and me, I've just got back from International Chess Day. Oh, my God. Monday, isn't it? What's wrong with you? People are getting up now, listening to this podcast in the morning. Hopefully, I'll get it uploaded for the UK morning. Tracy Morgan. Tracy Morgan?

Yeah. That's his name. Tracy Morgan. So back to my story. That's how much I don't want to hear you talk about chess. Fuck my... We're not talk about chess fuck my majesty wait we're not talking about chess put a bookmark in international chess day

no we won't by the way not even international global chess day global how is that different how is that different because international that's the same thing

is it not how is it different I thought international was just within the one country what international that's national isn't it yeah well

this is why you don't get to talk about chess when I was when I was when I was in the gym I couldn't get on any of the benches because it was chess day for everyone

but it was just like a bunch of like Chinese guys having chess day I was like oh it must be Chinese new chess day I'm not laughing at that

why because it's not funny Chinese new chess day no I mean it wasn't right fine it was a terrible it wasn't even a joke

it was just a I mean it was but based on what happened I couldn't get on the benches for for people from all over the world

having chest day on Monday I want to finish this podcast now I want this podcast to be oh you're sat in the life out of us where's the encouragement no you're going to get behind everything I say

there's no encouragement for this part right here I thrive when people laugh at everything I say yeah I know not this time my wife's stifling my creativity not this time

fuck man all because of your terrible introduction you didn't even say my name in it yeah I was getting to it I like that our podcasts are getting more

what would be the word more sensual as they progress because I think the first one was at a table second one was outside

in the romantic setting of your back garden yeah the third one was actually just on a couch but we paused it a million times to kiss yeah the fourth one was outside in the romantic setting of your back garden. Yeah, the third one was actually just on a couch but we paused it a million times to kiss. Yeah, the fourth one was on Josh Pugh's bed

and now we're literally lounging on my bed. I pissed Josh Pugh's bed. You pissed? Oh yeah, I remember that. And then you thought it was a good idea to invite us into your bed.

Yeah, well I assume you won't piss. I get the hint. Seems like you've got a fetish. Pause it for pissing on my face Tracy Morgan Tracy Morgan had chest day

chest day so Hannibal Buress was supporting Tracy Morgan and he said to him he was like what do you want me to do beforehand do you want me to do like 15, 20 or something like that

and he goes how about you be the date rape drug and I be the big black dick that fucks them what as he had just could have just said do a type 15 but you know we open for us we open for us and I be the big black dick that fucks them. Could have just said do a type 15. We open for us.

We open for us. Literally. So he said you be the roofie. You be the roofie. I'll be the big black dick that fucks them. Amazing. Wow. Incredible.

Allegedly he said that. No, he didn't. Hannibal Buress said it. Oh, did he? Hannibal Buress said it in a story. Yeah. So there you go. It was worth it.

It was worth the build. So Danny was there when Kevin Hart didn't have the bottle to say, hey, Kevin, will you come and, I know the big shoes to fill, but will you come and replace Muggins for an hour?

He's like, oh, Muggins. I know that guy. I know that guy. Yeah, Muggins. He's the guy, he's just... He's the guy with the big pecs.

Oh, no, not that Muggins. He must think of the guy. He must be thinking of someone else. Hey. Oh, no, not that Muggins. He must think of a different guy. He must be thinking of someone else. Hey, do girls like pecs as much as we like boobs? No. You don't like a good pair of pecs? No. They like a pec on the cheek.

That's it. They don't like pecs. They like a pec sandwich. They like a pec sandwich. They don't like pecs in your chest. By the way, I got sunburned. I know you did. I know you did.

I know, but the listeners don't. So I've been rocking around with a T-shirt on that I developed on my bicycle rides in Perth. But then I thought, well, I kind of rock up to the beach in Thailand with Natalie and I've got the T-shirt on. You don't want to be embarrassing. So I took my top off and read my book. Don't sunbathe sitting up with a book.

I've got a book shadow uh suntan lane and i've also got where your stomach when when you're sitting up you get like the skin folds yeah they've tanned in can i show you what you're getting whenever you get what you think i'm gonna get wrecked what are you talking about oh my god it's hilarious so it looks like looks like a Sunderland flag flag? yeah well it's fucking

red and white stripes for sure they're going the wrong way it's more hoops than stripes but yeah I'm wearing Sunderland colours you're a Maccom I've got fucking

three thick white stripes across me you're a Maccom across me sunburn you're literally a Maccom fucking you dare you're literally a Maccom well you're

you're a scouser I am I used to play Liverpool you used to play Liverpool thanks man so you're literally a Macam well you're you're a scouser I am I used to support Liverpool thanks man so you're saying you are a Macam I'm trying to think what's the rival

for Ireland because he's across the water from Liverpool is why I said it England you're English but then you'd be

slagging yourself as well yeah I'm not going to fucking get me into this we've already seen you I've got nothing to do with this I'm keeping me out of it so just for the record I'm not a Macam you in this game. I've got nothing to do with this. I'm keeping me out of it.

So just for the record, I'm not a Mackem. You are a Mackem. Fuck off. You have to get a Mackem tattoo. Aye, but when the tan really kicks in, I'll get black. Slightly more red.

I'll get black and white. So are you saying every Newcastle fan starts off as a Mackem fan? Is that what's going to happen? No. Not everyone. That sounds like what's going to happen? No. Not everyone. That's the only thing that's going to happen.

So if your suburb doesn't develop into a town... I mean, I can't question your logic, but I don't like it. I don't like your logic. So we're going to move on from the subject. No, no, stay on this one. Oh, man. Sean, you'll be town as well, right? So, do you know what I mean?

Sus mad with us this week. No. Oh, totally. This fucking cream got pissed. Why? He got pissed off with us. Why is he so angry? He's such an angry little man.

Because he hasn't got no friends in New York. He's so angry. Even on the WhatsApp group, he's been very angry recently. He needs to sort that out. He needs to up his game, be more friendly. Where's friendly Sloss?

That's what I want to know. He misses me. Where's Daniel friendship? His rock's gone. I know, but also, as we've established, you've only got one year of happiness left

so you can't be wasting it trying to bring him up it's trying to fill a bucket with a hole in isn't it trying to make him happy now that you're fully transforming into a Maccom I mean

maybe that's why we'll move on from that I'll start talking about Chinese New Chest Day again maybe that's why you've only a year of happiness left maybe when you fully

become a Maccom you'll just be misery. That would be miserable. I know. I mean, if there's any Macam listeners, what are you doing? Get off. How to build a successful podcast.

Stop listening. Isolate the city. So, no disrespect to any Macams out there. It's your choice. Do what you want. It's nuts that you chose that But you know what it is Horses fuck horses

Are you saying Maccams all look like horses I made I made Sloss angry Oh yeah what did you do So Well it wouldn't surprise me You making him angry

You do a lot of stupid things So we were I opened a WhatsApp Which was me Matty And Him in For the holiday For the holiday To book the hotel Yeah so we were I opened a WhatsApp with just me Matty and him in for the holiday

to book the hotel yeah to book the villa for us we're going to Ibiza which by the way which by the way I 100% missed that accommodation getting booked

oh yeah I was wondering why was that posted in the group or anything yeah oh I didn't see that yeah he put his he put his account details in

I didn't see that at all I think you're the only one that's left him hanging no Mark Nelson isn't even going classic Stanley classic Stanley four and a half stars

so isn't this amazing we're fucking in Australia right now in paradise I'm about to go to Thailand paradise with Natalie

it's all sorted and then we've just booked a pizza which is probably paradise I'm going to Glasgow in between what's your point everybody has every right

to hate us right now we're just being dicks especially you we're just being dicks. Especially you. We're just being assholes now. Especially you. It's nice though. It's nice being hated. I mean,

it's nice doing nice things. Yeah, of course. Do you want to say anything else? Sluss got mad at us. Why? Because when we were booking the accommodation in the WhatsApp group,

he found a villa that we liked, but he had to email this woman to book the villa. He hates talking to people. So Matty done the email, because he hates talking to people. So Matty done the email, and two days went by and she hasn't replied.

And then Danny said something along the lines of, oh, does he not know there's going to be a load of hunks around the pool? I mean, I can't confirm or deny whether they were the words he used. He probably didn't use it. I mean, he definitely used the word hunk. He was like, there's going to be a lot of hunks around the pool. And then I just went, send the landlady this. This is going to be around our pool.

And sent a picture of my body, right, that I'd clearly took a photo of to send to Natalie. Oh, no. Like sweating after a workout. Oh, Jesus Christ. He was probably annoyed that I sent him nudes. Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. He was probably annoyed that I sent him nudes.

Oh my God. He was, and I was trying to like, I realized once I sent it that, oh yeah, I've just sent my mate nudes. And I was just like

trying to make fun of it and, oh, do you not want to see what I've got? Because that was my banter from earlier. Yeah, yeah. If anyone listened to that podcast, it often softened him.

He was like, dude, just fucking out order. I just bang out order. I'll be honest. Cross the lane. I've done that before as well. Sent nudes to your friends. Facebook group. Yeah, when order. I'll be honest. Cross the line. I've done that before as well. It's a nude stare.

Facebook group. Yeah, when I was supposed to be sending it to Lauren. And I sent it by accident. Oh, no. And then four people left the group immediately. I remember back in MSN Messenger days. What was that? Back in MSN Messenger days.

Yeah. I remember, like, so i would have been in my early 20s with fucking one of my mates like sent a webcam with us oh no i accidentally sent a webcam with him but it was the webcam with a girl who i was going with and i had me top off and like i'm just waiting for the girl to answer the webcam i'm just like it wasn't like fucking cd i don't mean cock out and fucking anything I was just there topless in bed. Yeah. And then my mate answered the video call. He's like, oh, dude, what you have to do? Like, confused that I'd even video call him because we don't do this on MSN.

And I'm just there with my top off going, I thought I was ringing a bird. You said that. You didn't even drive on. Just wondering if you want to play football later. Shirts and skins, obviously. He just fucking cancelled the fucking video feed straight away. Just text, come on, fuck off, mate. Well, the funny thing was, when that happened around the time,

there was one of the lads in our group, this guy Jamie, who's, you know Derek? Yeah. Derek's brother-in-law. So he's like the steel of our group, of that group. You know what I mean the young one no not the young one

the naive one the targeted one yeah okay let's say that and he so he wasn't in the Facebook group at the time but in our WhatsApp group

he was like going to Derek send me that picture so I can use it against him Derek's like what are you talking about why would I do that he's like first of all

A. why would I do that B.'s like, first of all, A, why would I do that? B, are you now requesting naked pictures of him? How do you think this is going to end for you if he finds out

you're requesting naked pictures of him? How nude? Like nude nude. Like cock out. Cock out. Oh, dude. Oh,

you sent a picture of cock to your mates. Oh, don't send dick pics to your mates. Well, it was the first time I figured out

how to zoom out on a phone massive cock yeah I just sent Natalie a picture from Google Earth of mine yeah

probably couldn't see it then no I just couldn't it's not a great while to join it so that happened where I sent him

the picture and he was like fucking dude bang out of the line you crossed the line and all that how did you cross the line I and he was like, fucking dude, bang out of the lane, you crossed the lane and all that. How did you cross the lane? I'm a steak.

It was a sweaty nude. It's bullshit. I had my jocks down. Not enough to get, there wasn't any pubelain or anything, but you could see where the fucking lane went in because I'm ripped to fuck at the minute. Show them what I've got. Then I sent another picture later on just talking about my sunburn

and I sent the picture of my sunburn. But obviously to send a picture of my sunburn and I sent the picture of my sunburn but obviously to send a picture of my sunburn I sent him a nude and he just went dude honestly last fucking chance I mean the second one

strike two the second one is unnecessary the second one is very much unnecessary so one thing I've learned is that you can't send nudes to your mates

well I think now I think we should you know what send the third and see what it does we need to help Daniel through this put him on your way to your office I think see if he leaves what send the third see what it does we need to help daniel through this put him anywhere in office i think see if he leaves us for a third set no no not you i think the listeners should send sloss nudes to get him over this irrational fear he has of the

human body i think it's more my body than anything well let's test the theory you know what he's like he's like he's probably like oh like too much of that. I don't like saying that. It turns on him. Confused. He gets confused by the image. So he's like, oh, what are you doing, mate? Have you been a dick?

I'd say it could be that partly. But just to check that, let's have all the listeners tweet Daniel nudes. Not nude nudes. Nudes. Just to get him used to the human form more. At Daniel underscore sloss.

Just send him pictures of what you've got. Yeah, just let him have a great day. That's a great day for Daniel. Helping him through things. It's like if you've got a fair height, you go to the tallest building. This is us helping him. I can't think of this going badly in any way.

I don't know what's going to happen in Ibiza because I'm going to have him top off by the pool. He's just going to be there with blinkers on like a racehorse. Try not to look at anyone by the pool. I'm going to have me top off by the pool he's just going to be there with blinkers on like a racehorse trying not to look at anyone by the pool I'm bringing a jumper

in a onesie I'm not going to give him anything I thought I'm leaving the club leaving the

club early wear a turtleneck wear a turtleneck in Ibiza do you know who fucking

did that there wear a turtleneck but with no sleeves though because you want to keep

cool this is this is genuinely what we did in Pamplona so 2013 we had a holiday this is before

actually it would have been shortly after we met but before you started coming on the summer holidays with us yeah I missed the first one so we went away and we had a day

where you had to buy an outfit you had a budget like 20 quid or something so it wasn't much and you had to buy the outfit for the other person but the other person

didn't get a chance to deny what outfit they're wearing they had to put a blindfold on and be dressed by the group so you're just there in your strides and you had to be dressed

completely so you don't know if you're going to end up in drag you don't know what you're going to be wearing you just know so everyone pairs up

so you pair up with someone so I would dress you and you would dress me do you want to do it now? I don't understand what you mean you don't why don't we then do it do it now and then i don't understand what you mean you don't no well let me why don't we just why don't we just try each other we'll just try it on each other now we'll pause the podcast and we're back we'll both decide to address each

other with nothing that was great did a bit of kissing you peck my pecks the women are loving it you did a lot of peck pecking peck peck pecky peck peck woody woodpecker pecky peck pecker kim karifashian

you pecked me peck with his pecker kim pakashian it is right in the peck with your pecker anyway I heard you do a peck peckadashian that was such a niche in joke that isn't available on the podcast so right

we were doing whatsapp puns on rim and for no specific reason because sometimes that happens in a whatsapp and Milo McCabe our dear friend put on it's not rim

car-dash-ian you put rim rim dash-ian just makes no sense like what the fuck happened to the carpet that's not a rim rim dash-ian rim rim rimmy rim now every just makes no sense. Like what the fuck happened to the carpet? That's not it. Rim rim dashing. Rim rim rim rim. Now every time we do a pun on something, we put it in Kim Kardashian's name.

So he did pick dashing. So I've just filled you in on a joke, which by the way, Sloss hates me doing. Filling you in on a joke. Sloss fucking hates me filling people in with in jokes. So what does he want from the world? You're not allowed to send him new pictures. You have to do intros that are boring. And now you're not allowed to tell people when a joke

is a joke. I'm starting to see why nobody in New York is hanging out with him. I think he's got toothache. He's got a bear

with a sore paw. A bear with a sore tooth in his paw. He just needs to lighten up a little doesn't he? He does.

He needs to go running. Go running when he's in the door. Muggle run. Go on a muggle run.

So what were we talking about before we started oh you swapping swapping tops

right so so there's eight of us we pair up each person's got a partner Drew Straws

right so you I've got to dress you you've got to dress me so you go off with four

the other guys and I go off with the other group and we'll just buy some shit and we went and had a laugh buying stuff, and then we'll come in, blindfold each other,

and dress each other, and we put Lee Brosnan, my good friend from home, in fucking like warm clothes, who somehow found a turtleneck sweater in the middle of Spain, right, and this dude,

he's going around with a thick knitted turtleneck sweater, sweating his fucking melon off did he have bottoms on as well what did he have bottoms on as well full trousers

yeah yeah full trousers oh my god yeah he was like fully kitted up in like what you would wear on a winter in London

well not what you would wear on a winter in London because I wouldn't wear a turtleneck sweater what you would wear on a winter in London in a brief period of the late 90s

yeah exactly that is ridiculous so me and Tom Horton got uh put with each other i can't remember who got him the turtleneck but we ended up with these like a kind of feathery blue like they were they were quite like fluffy so they would have been like quite hard but they were sleeveless yeah right but we both managed to find the exact same thing and buy them for each other no way dressed each other unblindfolded like the group dresses us unblindfolded while looking at each other

in the exact same outfit. That's hilarious. Fucking ridiculous. Who did Sloss dress? Women's blouse. So did Sloss dress you? Nah me and Tom

Horton. So who did Sloss dress? Milo I think. So he was able to look at Milo naked and he was fine? Yeah.

He's got a real weird problem. He just doesn't like my body. The sooner we get jealousy the sooner we get him nude the better

there's some jealous guys in this town ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

ooh ooh ooh ooh it's a bonus track you'll not find it on the back by any means you have to leave a play for a seven minute silence in the middle it's got Pete Diddy in it he was actually the person that sung it and he sung it as badly

as I just did then I didn't think he sang it badly no no he sings it terrible no I thought he sang it terribly yeah reeled you in reeled you in like a big fish

that I was catching stink of fish I've been eating fucking stink of fish I have been eating tin salmon right this is what I've been eating fucking stink of fish I have been eating tin salmon this is what I've been doing every day

put a get a mixing bowl I get a tin of salmon a tin of tuna and you get fish fash fosh fish fash fosh fish fish fish

fish fish no need to explain that one now they know now yeah they're in Daniel would have liked that second one they're on the team they're in Daniel would have liked that second one they're on the team

he's there going oh I wish they weren't enjoying this now oh god don't people laughing more I'm glad they got

rid of some mackams let's keep those listeners down so when I've got my multi fish bowl of multi fish multi fish

what are you talking about tuna and salmon it's two fish oh yeah multi no that's it's not soul fish it's soul fish. Oh, yeah, multi. No, that's... Well, it's not sole fish.

Sole fish is its own type of fish. Fish duo. That's a fish duo. Fish duo. It's not a multi fish. Well, actually, it's probably not just one salmon or one tuna that's been used.

It's probably like a bunch of salmon that's been like mushed up into chunks and put in. So each tin probably consists of bits of multiple fish. That's not true. I'm not getting into this. That's not true.

Right? I have been in the fisheries. I have been in the John West factory. That explains your smell. They put... That's not true. I'm not getting into this. That's not true. Right? I have been in the fisheries. I have been in the John West factory. That explains your smell. They put, that makes no sense. That makes no sense.

It does? I have been in the John West factory and they put one fish in every tin. Do they? It's the John West way. Right,

so I had two multiples of two. Oh, multiples of two. Oh, that's one of the other views of multiple ones

saying multiples of two. What are you talking about? There's multi-fish in my tub. So then I put a ton of chickpeas in. How many chickens are in there? Ha ha ha. Ha ha.

And then I put it ha ha let me finish my story. I don't even know where it's going apart from boredom. Was it multiple chickpeas or one chickpea? Lentils. Who puts one chickpea in the fish. I don't even know where it's going apart from boredom. Was it multiple chickpeas or one chickpea?

Lentils. Who puts one chickpea in a fish? I don't know. No carbs before? I don't think carbs. What are you talking about? So I eat lentils

and then I boil some broccoli. So lentils, chickpeas, multi-fish. Boil some broccoli and then on top of that I put some fresh spinach and lentils. One broccoli

or multiple broccolis? A broccoli but I chop it into multiple little broccolis no that's not it that's not it is no it's still one broccoli it's not multiple little block no it's still one broccoli it looks like a big broccoli but no it's not what do you chop it off yeah but it's still right part of a broccoli i guarantee if you snap off one bit of broccoli plant it a big broccoli will grow that's not how it works there's farmers now going Brian farmer Brian is losing his mind right now

and don't even start me on fisherman Steve so fuck so I'll put I'll put the spinach and broccoli in it spinach

spinach how many spinach I wilt them. One bag? I just snap some off the stems. The stems? You got a spinach tree out of the bag? What, the butcher hasn't got a...

All right. All right. I'm entering, Grotas. That's an unpermissed make-a-laugh. I see you've got a see you've got a chicken hanging off the hook there haven't got any spinach

behind that chicken have you why wouldn't there see you're chopping a pig's head off there that pig wasn't a didn't have a little spinach in his mouth

did it no that bloke so so yeah whatever look it's arbitrary forget where I got the spinach from

you don't need it to this tree so I wilt the spinach that I got from what where I got the spinach from you don't need it to this tree so I wilt the spinach that I got from whatever I got it from the travel agent give a fuck a travel agent

I walked straight into the gym fucking went I'll have a membership for a month in half a spinach half a spinach not wilted

I want to wilt it myself half a cup of spinach I want to wilt it with my chat how do you wilt your spinach I want to wilt it myself Have a cup of spinach I want to wilt it with my chat How do you wilt your spinach I talk to it for ages Did that do me set So go on

You boil your broccoli You wilt your spinach I put it in with a fucking You put it in the bowl The mush Of chickpeas, lentils The mush It sounds delightful

And I fucking get a I get a wooden spoon And I fucking stir the shit with it Like start tying shit About it's mates What way are you stirring That's weird Let me just explain

how you just stirred right there you stirred like a mortar and pestle there right so I grab it like a fucking overhand grip yeah like imagine you've got

a dumbbell on your hand yeah and then turn it sideways so the spoon ends down yeah right so I'm holding it like a grip like I hold my penis

right when I'm angry when I'm chasing people I've seen that yeah right and then i do like fucking big circles like i'm like i'm mixing up fucking like i'm mixing up multi-fish and broccoli right and then i took my way that up for multiple meals of the day multiple meals yeah but in the morning I have eggs. It's like eating fucking dog food though.

But in the morning I have eggs. Well, I'm just trying a bit of clean living. A bit of clean living. You're clean living so much

that last night you were off your box on two mouthfuls of wine. Yeah, it was good though, wasn't it? And then after three glasses of wine, you were giving a guy a piggyback around the gardens and you dropped him into a wooden bench. I dropped a hippie into a wooden bench. It was fucking quality.

It was like something I could sell. Hug that tree, bitches. It was like fucking mankind. Put him through the table. So this is what happened, right? This is what happened last night. I had a few glasses of wine not many

no four maybe but you know what I think it was the fresh air it was the air the hitch it was it was the fresh air you know what I hadn't had a drink in a while

I was just feeling mischievous because I was coming out with the boys fresh air a couple of shandies for the boys shout out to Auntie Donna go to YouTube

red wine with the boys say to Auntie Donna watch shandies with the boys watch their new one? Their new Web Swimmer series is the salami one. It's excellent-y. I haven't seen that one. Really good.

I'm going to do it now instead of talking to you. This is nonsense. And we're back. So I'm on the fucking dance floor, right? Well, the field because it's... You've got drag to dance for for a Backstreet Boys mega mix. So I'm fucking dancing to Backstreet Boys like I do, just giving it the big licks to Backstreet Boys. Andix so I'm fucking dancing to Backstreet Boys like I do just giving it the big licks

to Backstreet Boys and one of your fucking friends that girl started like fucking touching us I never met her she started touching us when I was dancing I never met her

don't accuse me of those fat friendship I never met that girl I was like Natalie will knock you out son get off my girlfriend's meat right I didn't say it

but I was just like whoa right and instantly just my biggest out was there was just like whoa right instantly just my biggest out was there was this fucking hippie nearby just fucking getting loose

dancing right so there's the Backstreet Boys quite a fucking pumping beat everyone's going getting loose this guy was swaying he was hammered

the music was going at a different pace for him he was just swaying and I was just like his silent disco had a different track on he was my out from that fucking

then you piggybacked him over And smashed him Smashed him through a chair So I just went Hey do you want to come Meet my friends Yeah That was a great move

Thanks And then he was like I'd love to dude And then I gave him A piggyback over And I just fucking galloped Through with a piggyback So fucking

I just thought it would be Quite a funny scene for you You just see him Disappear on the dance floor Come back with a hippie On my back Yeah Right so everyone

That's listening Picture a hippie Right keep that image Make him a little bit fatter Yeah Yeah. Right, so everyone that's listening, picture a hippie. Right, keep that image. Make him a little bit fatter. Yeah. Right? And now picture him on Kai's back. Now picture him on my back.

And then what you tried to do, do you remember how you dropped him? So he had like long hair. I'll talk you through it. He had long hair. He had like this bandana ring. He had like this kind of hippie-ish Hawaiian type shirt on.

He was very Adelaide fringe. Yeah, he was pretty chill. Like he probably, probably drinking coconut water. Out of an actual cow. Egg shell. You would have definitely been vegan. So I fucking just galloped in with his hip on my back.

Fucking yeah. And then I just fucking let him off me back. Oh no, I was trying to get him on my shoulders. I was trying to hit him from my back onto my shoulders. But unfortunately, you didn't tell him that part. He didn't get the memo no he was not aware that shoulders was happening so he was trying to get off you

while you were trying to hike him up further off to your shoulders so what happens is I hitch his legs up onto my shoulders as he leans back to get off and he just fell like a suplex off my shoulders and smashed his head with no hands no stomach off a wooden park table

and just fucking spaffed out on the floor and he's lying on his back and smashed his head with no hands, no stuff, off a wooden park table, right? And just fucking spaffed out on the floor. And he's lying on his back. His glasses were askew. And I just leaned into his face like that fucking, almost like the scene of Friday where it's like, you got knocked the fuck out. And I just leaned over and went, dude, are you okay?

And he like opened one eye with his askew glasses and he went, I've took more damage on worse nights. And I was like like you're my favourite hippie at this table he did not expect that to happen at Backstreet Boys that's not how

you end a megamix he was just swaying to Backstreet Boys just swaying to Backstreet Boys all of a sudden he's being slammed to a table

all of a sudden he was my get out clothes Hansi Magoo he's listening to Backstreet Boys and all of a sudden he ends up in a

TLC match unbelievable I lost yeah just went down like a waterfall. Loads of these. These are all for Tom

Houghton. So then I went home and I smoked cigarettes last night and I regret it. Yeah. You looked the worst for wear today.

Yeah. A little bit of a hangover. I got up for the gym though. Like I said, international pick day.

I don't really keep going back to that but bench 32 is today. Nice. It's not going back to that, but... International Peck Day. Bench 32s today. Ben, nice. It's not my PB, but it's my season best. Pretty good. What season? This season.

What season? This French season. When's the season start? I laid 2014. I got up to 35s. Oh, really? They were on multiples of 2.5. These go on multiples of 2.

So if I can go up two more in the next three weeks, I'm going to be on 36. Pretty good. Yeah, I've got a pretty strong chest. Strong chest. Pretty strong chest there. Hey, should we do some Muggle Corner? Let's do some Muggles. We only got two out last time as well.

Yeah. I think I've got a spare one from the last time. I totally forgot about that. So now I've got four today. What have I got here? Right. So in with the Muggles. Go ahead and explain to the new listeners what Muggles are. So Muggles are people who just aren't doing anything different.

We all do Muggle things. We all do Muggle things. A lot of the things we're going to put in Muggle Corner right now we're guilty of. But look, you've just got to be making sure that your life isn't built up of Muggle things. Otherwise, you're a Muggle. Yeah, exactly. Just mix it up once in a while. Change things around. Try looking at things from a different angle. angle yeah try and just not do the things that we suggest you know what and as well sometimes we're wrong we'll put you in the corner

and sometimes we're wrong like for instance the other week uh gareth war and um who's gareth war here ask nobody knows and uh daniel sloss decided to put runners in the muggle corner and they both agreed on it yeah and then so hell no, we're not always right we're always right but they're not always right I'm going to put this in muggle corner people who care whether you wear your bag on one shoulder or two shoulders

I thought this was just a school thing I remember it was a big deal in school if you wear your bag on two shoulders people would be like haha you're wearing your bag on two shoulders and it trends and it changes and it's school and it's kids. But Wayne Deacon, good friend,

fantastic comedian, talking to Wayne Deacon in the pub and he was like, oh, will you just take your bag off one of your shoulders because you've got both shoulders like a school kid.

And I'm like, you're a fucking muggle, son. But also, stop being a muggle. That's how you're supposed to wear a bag. On both straps. Yeah. That's why there's two straps.

Like, surely people don't care about that as adults yeah so Wayne Deacon I'm a two strap man I don't know if this is just Wayne Deacon or if people actually are

still in that schoolyard frame of mind of like oh you've got to do that like you know when you had the schoolyard where you tie if you had your tie long you were a bit of a nerd

if you had your tie short like you were one of the cool kids if you had it around your head you were a legend right or you were at a wedding and it's late you're at an office party yeah so like i think like um bothering yourself with like them type of fashion things as an adult i like i don't know if it's muggly or just super childish. I definitely notice it. I notice who, like, you're a two-strap. I do two-straps all the time.

Gordon Southern is always one shoulder. Yeah. Kerry's over the shoulder, man bag. So there is a look to it. Yeah, I remember my mate Craig, who listened to this podcast, started mocking us for having an over-the-shoulder satchel. That's Muggley. Like, if you're mocking someone about the way they wear their bag.

Yeah, I remember so many years ago, my mate's dad, I had an MTV bag, over-the-shoulder MTV bag, and he was like, you're just advertising MTV there. I was like, you're wearing an Adidas top. What are you talking about?

It's how it works, you weirdo. People get stuck up on those things. It's really strange. Yeah, isn't it? When I was getting mocked about having this satchel bag, my main reason for it is I spend a lot of time in London and I actually don't like having a backpack on my back when I'm on escalators, on the tube,

when I'm just walking through. People are near each other. It's so easy to just fucking slice a hole in your bag and just take whatever's in it. So I just like having a satchel just fucking sitting right on my dick. Just there. Just got a hole in it. Got a flashlight in it so I just like having a satchel just fucking sitting right on my dick just there just got a hole in it got me fleshlight

in my bag just walking around the tube station just fucking a cup no because I travel nearly

every weekend obviously because I fly to the UK for gigs and stuff so I always do because I just

bring a backpack I don't even bring a suitcase anymore because you just you get to that like army regimented mode of packing where you're like you know exactly what you're bringing you know hand luggage yeah hand luggage as small as possible yeah so yeah it's it's yeah look if you're getting held up on the way someone else is wearing that bag take a good long hard look at yourself yeah from the corner from the corner where there's no mirrors.

You're in there. Yeah, I think that's in there. I don't even think there's any stipulations or anything. It's just in there straight away. Yeah, if you're commenting on people's bags. This one is directly related to you last night. Hit me with it. Muggle.

I'll defend it to the death. Give out to people when they're on their phones. Give out to people? Yeah, as in? No. Mock people for being on their phones give out to people yeah as in no mock people for being on the phone exactly no no you you must have misheard i fucking defended that that's what i'm saying that's what i'm saying it was yanni giving out to you yeah okay okay thank you yeah no that's what i'm saying and i was like no and then you made a very good point that you were talking to gav and it was like different time zones back home so what if I'm on my phone you know what if I'm on my phone up your fucking

conversation then yeah so I don't want to look at my phone because he just went there mobile phones the scourge of society and I looked up and I was like nah man you're looking at it wrong. You should have went actually don't you book all your acts through your mobile phone yeah how do you not know that's what I'm doing now. didn't you send me an invoice on your mobile phone the other day so he actually did he did wilt like spinach yeah it'll never conversation um so he uh he actually uh took it on board he was just like actually you're dead right like you didn't put up any resistance yeah that does happen where people go i'll look at everyone on the phone point i made is uh like i'm 8 000 miles from home it's fucking remarkable that I can sit there

in a bar and just take a second to just disconnect myself from the social situation handle my business back home while other people are in business hours

and then get back to the conversation well now the other thing we should point out is you were just texting me and I was sitting beside you yeah wish Yanni would fuck off

but when I did get to the audience well we're talking about there's a photo that went around on Facebook that I fucking loved

and it was a picture of people like a photograph that had went by with a meme saying people are always on their mobile phones

instead of talking to each other and it was a picture on a tube of everybody looking at their mobile phones or an iPad

or a Kindle right and then someone went yeah but what about this and it was a picture from the 50s everyone on a tube reading books and reading newspapers yeah man we just want information well it's just no it's just the commute it's yeah you want information on your commute you don't stand there looking at a better picture small talk will be if like everybody was walking down the road reading a book as they're walking that would be be different. But you know what? You're on a commute. You're killing time.

That's what you're doing. It would be way weirder if nobody was on anything and they're all just staring at each other. Just looking at each other. It would be psycho. Just every now and again just going, well, that's nice. That would be mental. I think you've got to have good balance. I think Yanni's got a point.

There is a time when you can be too much into it. mental. I think you've got to have good balance. I think Yanni's got a point. There is a time when you can be too much into it. For instance, I wouldn't get too deep into a WhatsApp conversation because they're just like, it's banter, we're having a laugh, we're having fun. But you could be having banter, having a laugh, having fun with the people in front of you.

If you're in a situation where you're just having fun, you're in a social situation, just try and keep your phone to a minimal for business or if you've got deadlines or whatever get in there, you fucking use, technology's amazing that we can do that I just think you've got to have balance

I kind of saw his point but super muggle for bringing it up 100% go and my next muggle me bitches that was a on the way into the Perth artist bar it was smuggle was it just smuggle me bitches? but was on the way into the Perth Artist Bar. It was smuggle. Was it just smuggle me bitches?

Smuggle me bitches, yeah. But then you could take the S off. That's what we did. What a tasty little anecdote from Kai Humphries. Smuggles twitch the blind and judge the neighbours. Twitch the blind. Like looking through the curtains at the neighbours going, oh, fucking, who's that visitor?

Definitely in the street I grew up in because I lived in this community. Oh, yeah, they did. But do they anymore? I'm not sure. I think so. I think people look out the window and see what other people in the street are doing. Fucking hell, it's the third time he's washed the car this week. I don't know if that happens anymore because I don't think there's a sense of community as much as there is anymore you know what i mean like you

don't always know your neighbors now things like that you know well um when i lived in the flats i lived in a flat so like the neighbors didn't even get to see each other really exactly yeah and then when i lived at sloss's house he lives in a fucking mansion so it's a big old house yeah but uh he lives in a big house but it's everything's like detached yeah and the neighbours above him there's such a level of disconnect

yeah and you've got like a drive and then a road before there's the other side of the road but in these small closets it's very working class thing in these small closets people can like actually see

through the window of the house opposite oh of course yeah so people get like addicted to the gossip the gossip mill of like other people's lives and I've been witness to this like most of my childhood and I know it's probably a thing So people get addicted to the gossip, the gossip mill of other people's lives.

And I've been a witness of this most of my childhood, and I know it's probably a thing if there's a stay-at-home parent, you're in with the children, sometimes... You try to cope with something. You do it for your own amusement, is looking out the window and saying shit. Yeah, I don't... But I think making the neighbour's business yours. This was actually inspired by the landlady from our Airbnb.

Oh, yeah, okay, yeah, yeah. Text Dan, who'd done the transaction, Dan Willis, who I live with, saying, I hope this isn't too intrusive, but I noticed from my mother's house she'd left the porch light on last night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, motherfucker, we weren't in the porch. I was playing chess with Kerry till four in the morning. And also, like I was like Motherfucker We were in the porch I was playing chess

With Kerry Till four in the morning And also Like I was saying So what Yeah I'll leave the light on The whole time

This is our property While we're here We've rented this place off you Yeah I'll do what I like I don't I don't know if it's Muggly enough

What To watch the neighbours If you're watching the neighbours Yeah But I don't think it happens As often as you think So that means Not many people Are going to end up In the corner But if they do They're muggles right Yeah So if we're saying You're watching The Neighbours, yeah, but I don't think it happens as often as you think. So that means not many people are going to end up in the corner, but if they do, they're muggles, right? Yeah.

So if we're saying you're watching The Neighbours... I'm trying to think of an example of when I've seen that happening in the last 10 years. So even a flippant remark like, oh, they've got a skip at number 16, do you reckon they're getting the kitchen done? Like even just... I don't think that's... That happens, man. But is that muggly? Fuck, man, I've seen that on my street.

How is that muggily? Just being interested in something? I just think being a nosy neighbour. Fucking hell, nosy neighbour is like, it's a genuine saying. Yeah, but I don't think... I wonder if to get the kitchen done

is necessarily muggily. Maybe not. But I think being a nosy neighbour is. If you're a nosy neighbour, like you're actively hunting out stuff you know what I mean

like as you say curtain twitching but not I've noticed a skip outside I wonder if they're getting the kitchen done that's just that's just whatever's happening yeah

that's not that's not muggle worthy go hunting it out I would look at a guy oh I've noticed I've got a skip I've got loads of shit I need to get rid of I'm going to wait till the dark of night. That's muggly.

That's muggly. Or flytip and someone skip. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Using someone's skip to get rid of your shit. Oh, fuck, I need to get rid of it. I need to get rid of the old fucking bed frame. The old bed frame. Yeah, I think being an Aussie neighbor, yeah.

But not stuff like that. Like that kind of example. Yeah, okay. It's a very niche. So yeah, but not stuff like that, like that kind of example. Yeah, okay. It's a very niche. So yeah, you can pay an interest in your neighbours, but the minute you stop playing Twitch and being nosy, there's a stipulation. Yeah, there's a big stipulation on that one. There's very few people, I think, even do that. Because a lot of people are friends with their neighbours as well, so they'll pay an interest.

Yeah, or I always think something like that could be, it's kind of maybe a little keeping up with the Joneses type of thing, where if somebody is getting a kitchen done, they're like, oh, we were thinking of getting ours done as well. Where did you get, it could be more of a, it's actually of maybe a little keeping up with the Joneses type of thing where if somebody is getting a kitchen done they're like oh we were thinking of getting ours done as well where did you get it could be more of a it's actually just an interest but even that's muggly

if you're keeping up with the neighbors well yeah I know I'm just I'm saying that's it could be that if one neighbor has got a new car

so you can fucking get a new kitchen we'll get a new kitchen with a car in it muggles have a bucket list yes like you mean an actual a bucket list yes like you mean

an actual written bucket list yeah I mean I always think when people go these are the things I want to do and I've done this

these are the things I want to do before blah blah you're like just do it just do it now just plan it now way away

yeah I think I like to have like ambitions and things I want to do and you could say that is a bucket list. Like to title it a bucket list. Yeah.

But as well, I don't know if, I think it all depends on your execution. I think I maybe spoke about this with Daniel as well. I think you may have brought it up. I think it depends on your execution of the bucket list. Fuck man, if you write a bucket list of like a dozen things that you want to do and you fucking scratch them off, power to you. Yeah. But if you're writing this fucking pipe fucking scratch them off. Power to you. Yeah, yeah. But if you're writing this fucking pipe dream bucket list

and then not even striving towards it, just thinking that you're a regular grain and spending your money in the pub on the weekend and you still wonder how you haven't been to the Great Wall of China yet. Yeah, that's the side I mean. I mean the side who like, they write it to go,

one day I want to do this. And you're like, yeah, but you're not doing anything towards it. You're not getting there. You're not striving as you say yeah I think the bucket list thing

because even just having ambitions whether you write it down in a list you've got your bucket list in your head but I think people that like

will project a bucket list post it online speculate about it and then not doing it yeah what a muggle muggle fuck don't write checks your ass can't cash yeah or lists that you'll never do and then not doing it yeah what a muggle muggle fuck

don't don't write checks your ass can't cash yeah or list that you'll never do yeah kick the bucket list you're gonna kick it kick the bucket list

right go on did I just steal Mark Nelson's joke or what's up there what was his one oh bucket speech nah nah because he

he said something about kick the bucket speech yeah it's only Nelson I'm not even gonna describe that in joke because was his one oh bucket speech nah nah because he said something that would kick the bucket speech yeah it's only Nelson I'm not even going to describe that in joke because

Sloss will get angry don't even describe Mark Nelson just send everybody a naked picture

of Mark Nelson well the only one of our group that's not coming to Ibiza don't even know

what you're talking about yeah he's not in the group anymore muggles yawn rape

you know when you're yawning and put a thing in your mouth and go yawn rape I do know what you yawning They put a thing in your mouth And go yawn rape I do know what you're talking about Stop being a muggle

Yeah So That's it I'm going to tie that one in with Muggles put their finger In the top of my Guinness You know what That's my fucking drink

You wouldn't do that To someone's potatoes It's funny that you went to potatoes I know yeah Well I was going to say steak I wouldn't need a steak. I'm going to pause this because having a piss is on my bucket list. Just do it on my bed.

I want to do it. Here it goes. We are back, back, back. Back, back, back, back. So we're discussing yawn rape. Putting the thing in your mouth, putting the thing in your guinness. I want to tell you this first. I'm guilty of this.

I'm going to the corner for 30 seconds. I have yawn raped. But when I yawn rape Natalie, if Natalie's yawning. It wasn't yawning. It was just rape. I put my finger. You had to go there. I put my finger in her mouth and she just sucks my finger and goes, it's just yawn sex.

It's consensual. It's not rape anymore. And then you feel weird. And I'm just like, oh, I had my finger on my bum. Then you're like, oh, I regret this at dinner. Now I've got to eat one hand. And now I'm just sucking my finger on the bus. Now I've got to do my spoon mash.

I'm driving the car. I crashed. Yes, definitely. I agree. That intrusive, like. The finger in the Guinness one annoys me so much. You don't do that when I need a drink. I don't see why people think it's okay.

Is it because it leaves a footprint in the snow? Of course, yeah. So what? Does it affect you any? Just annoyed? Just what? Germs.

Yeah, germs. And I'm annoyed. You drink that part of the drink. That dirty fingernail that they've been fucking scratching dry skin off their arm with.

Or even worse. Even worse. And the dry skin loosens from under the fingernail and just floats in your guinness. And the dry skin loosens from under the fingernails. Even worse. They've been putting their fucking finger

in someone else's mouth probably. Because it's the same person. Do you think it's the same person? Do you think they're going around just

feeding people little bits of Guinness? Little bits of Guinness. Just a dip of Guinness in your mouth. Tiny Irish people. One for you, one for me.

One for you, one for me. Gubbing it in. Yeah, 100%. Mugly corner for those people. And then this this one this one i think is interesting but um i don't know if i've ever done this uh muggles love giving out about two and a

half men or mrs brown's boys or those types of comedies like uh i think especially comedians especially comedians especially comedians i'm in the muggle corner for this too. Yeah. But yeah, they almost make it their business to hate it because it's popular. Yeah. I did it, man. Like fucking my ex-girlfriend on our last Christmas together bought me... Is that how you refer to it? Is that why you broke up? Happy last Christmas.

She bought me Mrs. Brown's Boys as a Christmas present. Amazing. And I was like I couldn't even like contain I was just like have we met do I need to

reintroduce myself to you that's incredible which series was it it might have been the first box set oh that's the best one is it good

no I don't know anyway we're broke up by January literally like we clear it wasn't because of that but

it might be a deep root problem we don't pay attention to each other's lives communication issues yeah but yeah I think it's such a

it's such a first of all it's obviously such an easy target it's hard to hate because they're both so popular but also you're like

just whatever it doesn't matter it's not affecting your life you know what I mean I think maybe comedians comedians think it is affecting their life in a little bit maybe that's what it is you know they're thinking all of the all of the money in comedy all of the viewership all of the good tv slots if it was down to you and mrs brown's boys in a sitcom airing on bbc then you feel free to hate mrs brown's boys and give out about as much as you like but if you've never even submitted a script to BBC

no yeah exactly that unfortunately what makes TV that time of day in the main spots is stuff that you can watch with your daughter

and your gran yeah and even people go like some comedians they go like they're like a Mrs. Brown's Boys audience what they love laughing

yeah they love laughing really quickly. What are you talking about? Yes, it's got to go through a level of censorship, which sanitizes it a lot. Yeah. So they do what they can, but yeah.

Well, also, I think Mrs. Brown's Boys is probably one of the ones that probably doesn't censor as much as other sitcoms would do. To be honest, I haven't watched too much of it. I just got a glimpse of it and decided that I was one of the haters. Yeah, well, it's like Brendan O'Carroll, the guy who is Mrs. Brown, who writes it, stars in it, is very loyal to his family and friends. Everything, we're all in it and that. Yeah, he's amazing.

So years and years, they've been writing Mrs. Brown's Boys and putting it through live shows and everything like that. And then, like, even in the one that's on BBC, I mean, they get away with saying fuck by saying feck, which is just such a tiny little thing. Yeah. Because people don't think it's a swear word

when an Irish person says feck. So that's why you can say... And contextually, it's exactly the same. Yeah, exactly. What are people? We're fucking idiots. Yeah. Fecking idiots.

Fecking idiots. So he gets a lot of that. And then, because they do all the messing in it and they get the lines wrong and things like that, I think it just kind of maybe adds a little bit more realism to people watching it. I think that's one of the reasons it's so popular. I love Bottom.

Yeah. Yeah. And the TV show with Rick Mayling, Bottom. I love that too. Jesus Christ. I love the live shows of that. Yeah. It was so childish.

So childish. Was that family friendly no no no I feel like I feel like I watched it as a kid but that was probably a censorship

judgement I mean parents have yeah definitely no definitely wasn't family friendly I watched that as a child and fucking loved it it was all toilet humour

and yeah exactly you know I was about to say it wasn't family friendly but there's no swearing in it I don't think isn't there because I watched that

as a kid for sure. I definitely watched it as a kid as well. I would have watched it when I was 10 or 11. And I've turned out alright. Well you're naked on my bed. Just airing my sunburn. Just airing the slosses seething somewhere. So yeah that's what I think. People who give out about those types of sitcoms.

Yeah. Muggles. Yeah because it's I don't see anyone else trying to rate for that daytime TV spot maybe they are but you know what would happen chances are what would happen is if the comics that were rating for that

got that spot it would probably be so sanitised to have that spot that they'd get hated on and all they'd do is fill the void left by the thing that they've been trying to bring down so there you go let's do the votes I think that's Muggle Corner the deuce fill the void left by the thing that they've been trying to bring down yeah yeah so there you go so let's do the votes i think that's muggle corner but i'm getting in the muggle corner for a lot this week i go on i i hate on i hate on low-hanging food comedy in fact me and sloss made

it then tom stayed and uh joe mcternan and you know those boys that were made muff yeah um so muff was a an absolute middle finger up to those type of TV shows. Yeah, yeah. Where the boardroom... But even that... That come up with the ideas for it. But even that is doing something about it

rather than just giving out about it. Yeah. Like, that's not Muggly because that's using it to create something. Yes. You know, rather than just go on... I urge people to watch that as well. Like, it's very low budget

and very rushed but it's six parts and we'll put a lot of heart into it if you Google Muff oh it's really good you should definitely watch it go on YouTube it's M-U-F-F

put dots in between full stops do you call them full stops when they're used to apostrophize I think so acronymize what would you call them not dots

well the full stop suggests that it's over but it's not over there's not a letter we'll do it in an American way am period hill

period f period muff period I'm on my period is there any of that kind so check that out

go on YouTube we'll put it all on there for free well not for free some of you paid in advance and bought cups and t-shirts and shit so thank you very much

for the donations that allowed us to make our passion project now go view it so Muggle Corner Muggles you own rape do we agree yeah

Muggles also put your finger on the pint of Guinness same thing so any of that nonsense if you suck your finger and put it in someone's ear wet willy someone you're a fucking Muggle but I'm also going to that nonsense, if you suck your finger and put it in someone's ear, wet willy someone, you're a fucking muggle,

but I'm also going to snap your finger off. Keep your fingers to yourself. Put it that way. Yep. Keep your fingers to yourself. Absolutely. I'll let you know

if I want you to put them in my body. Yeah. I'll give you a little nod. I'll give you a nod. I'll give you the finger nod. I'll give you the consensual eyes.

Don't worry. I will make it very clear if I want your fingers in my orifices. Orify. Multiple. Multiple. So yes, stand in the corner if you're yawning,

if you're raping people, if you're just invading people's personal space with your finger. Yeah, I mean, that is very much personal space. Right, ask yourself, am I invading someone's personal space with my finger? If the answer's yes, get in the corner right now. Like, I think it would be like,

I think if a court case came up and somebody's finger had been bitten off because of a yawn rape, I could see a judge going, but yeah, what did you think was going to happen? You're an idiot. So yeah, definitely. Muggles, putting a nose in the neighbours business

nosy neighbours there's stipulations on there look if you're friends with your neighbours if you keep an eye on their business because you've got a vested interest in them

I think you're free you're free to wander around the house free to wander around the house but go up and hit towards that corner if you are fucking passing judgement

about a neighbour you've never met yeah alright and finally but first most was the one I said first what

Muggles are bothered about the way you wear your bag or the type of bag you have yeah All right. And finally, but first most, was the one I said first. What? Muggles are bothered about the way you wear your bag or the type of bag you have. Yeah, that's a weird one. If you found yourself, like, fucking giving someone stick because of that bag. Yeah. Guess what? Guess what? Muggle!

You're hanging in the corner where the bags hang on one hook. What are you calling on for? Muggles give out to someone when they're on their phone yes they do yeah just calling them out for no reason at all even that

even that's almost a cross correlation of mind your own business yeah you know what I mean like oh great you've interrupted me having a nice conversation

with someone I've chose to talk to and now guess what yeah I'm going back to it keep walking you're in the corner I'll send you a text when you're allowed to come back to it. Keep walking. You're in the corner.

I'll send you a text when you're allowed to come back out. P.S. Yarny's a good guy. Yeah, he's a good guy. Muggles have a bucket list. We stipulated this one, I guess. Yeah, and I think it's been covered before. If you haven't done your 30 seconds from last time, do it now.

Do it now. Make that your bucket list. Oh, fucking just quickly complete something off your bucket list. Keep yourself out of the corner you know first foot forward first foremost

put a foot forward the other foot will follow Muggles love giving out about two and a half man Mr.

Brown's boys successful successful seemingly easy sitcoms but you know what they're obviously not that easy to

do if they were there'd be a hundred more of them yes and we'd be writing them and we'd be multimillionaires. One thing I did want to ask as well is, you know, you were saying giving out. Yeah, yeah. That's the first time I've ever heard it, except because of the context it was in, I understood it.

Yeah, yeah. It's an Irish thing. Is that an Irish thing? Yeah, giving out is like, I don't know what we're getting annoyed about. I don't think you need to explain it any further. It's in context further it's there yeah but that's good that you say that

because I say giving out on stage sometimes and I forget that people don't realise what it is yeah well I mean it's quite easy to put two and two together but I'm just letting you know

that that is now in my lexicon oh so is lexicon so is thesaurus get out my dictionary to look up dictionary alright we should fucking

rinse each other's dads let's do it your dad goes to look up dictionary. All right. We'll fucking rinse each other's dads. Let's do it. Your dad goes to legs, bums and tums. I just said you weren't listening as well. That's it. First time listening.

I know Sloss is keen on his introductions for stuff. He loves intros. We slug each other's dads off for the last couple of minutes of the show. That's it. That's what we're doing right now.

That's what we do. So I am telling Andrew Stanley that his dad goes to legs, bums and tums because he does. And if you've listened to the last few podcasts, you'll know my dad is dead.

So this adds an extra edge to these, your dad jokes. That's because he knitted his own parachute. Jesus Christ. They didn't even jump out of a plane. Fell off a cliff.

I didn't. He actually did it like a spider web. Yeah, these are all past tense when I'm talking about Stanley's done unfortunately

unfortunately oh wait oh wait Andrew make it awkward your dad only eats tuna and chickpeas every day the apple doesn't

fall too far from the tree your dad's a milf Your dad lets people know When he's the one who farted at a lift That was me, sorry Better out than in Your dad's in witness protection

For snitching on his dealer Your dad watches the Oscars For the best costume design And hairstyle categories I'm off to bed I have no interest in the movies He wants to see who they're wearing watches the Oscars for the best costume design and hairstyle categories? I'm off to bed. I have no interest in the movies. He wants to see

who they're wearing. Oh, I think I just did a similar one. Did I just repeat myself? I think I did a your dad watches the red carpet for the gold gloves.

I said muggles do. Muggles do. Muggles. Oh, so you put that in muggle corner and then you call me dad a muggle are you Your dad's a Muggle

When your when your dad watched Scarface he used the last of his money for a one way ticket to Miami with big dreams

of becoming a gangsta and he still lives there now but works in Costa America even has Costa What Does America even have Costa Costa's from America

I don't think so That Italian coffee company Your dad thinks Does America even have Costa? Costa's from America? I don't think so. That Italian coffee company? Your dad thinks Ranieri shouldn't have been sacked. Your dad's a facey son of a bitch. Your dad still uses a piggy bank to save money. What piggy bank? Piggy bank.

Oh, piggy bank. Your dad's tits are real, but nobody believes him. Your dad's keepy-uppy's record is two. Oh, God. Everyone gets spat for third. Not your dad's tits are real but nobody believes him your dad's keepy uppies record is two oh god everyone can spot for third not your dad everyone can spot

for third even if you're half it yeah he doesn't can't do it oh Kev fucking hell even with a penny float even with a tennis ball

I mean tennis ball is difficult arguably even with a beach ball fuck's sake Kev that's difficult, arguably. Even with a beach ball. Fuck's sake, Kevin. Is that including heads as well? Because you can start it on your head. No, everything.

He tries to on his head. He hit his head, shoulder, too. No, he can just, he can do knee-ups forever. He can't. Fuck's sake. I mean, what was he doing?

Barefoot on a broken glass or something? He's literally wearing perfect football boots. Skill can't do it. On what? On what? On AstroTurf. Fuck's sake.

Conditions couldn't be better. John Matson's there going, conditions couldn't be better John Matson's there going conditions couldn't be better he says that at the start and then he goes

one two oh it's gone that was it I was there the rest of the tries he did he only got one

and then did he get a round of applause off the crowded sucker I am I can't believe he was a guest Chris Ramsey

was there oh yeah he got kicked off the knee what did he say again something about your dad sucked off a horse a.m. I can't believe he was a guest. Chris Ramsey was there. Oh yeah, he got kicked off, didn't he? Yeah. What did he say again? Something about your dad

sucking off a horse? He was doing dad jokes, I think he was. I think he fucking got kicked off for seeing your dad suck off a horse

or something. Anyway. I don't know, we're good on him. Your dad can skip over his arms with his hands clasped together

and that's how he runs to the ice cream van that's a visual arm skipping that's a good visual your dad still has all his medals from primary school

aye he's a war hero then he was aye fought in the battle of Britain when he was in primary school legend

what medals has he got he's just got bronze ones they're not even gold Victoria Cross actually four of them are just participation medals

most improved I used to be able to do one kick up with him your dad puts his piss through a soda stream and then fizzes it up in your mum's face like he's won the Grand Prix

Jesus Christ she loves it your dad thinks The Notebook is a great movie your dad Jesus Christ. She loves it. Your dad thinks The Notebook is a great movie. Your dad. I'm going to enjoy this one more than anyone. Your dad had an elite competition,

but he got disqualified because he's not elite. Oh, my God. Send me to bed. It's time for bed. You are in bed. My day is over. I am in bed. Your dad enjoys a nice walk on the beach.

He doesn't say nice things about me. Who doesn't? Your dad puts his name down for karaoke, but every time he gets on stage, he uses his time with a mic to preach the word of Islam. That's true. your dad tells your mam he loves her every day look at all of us

I'm queer alright so that's fucking our dad's that's them told that's them told they know what's

happening now let's plug some shit plug some stuff you're doing a solo show here. Yeah, I'm not doing many. So I'm here doing Best of British, which is on every day except Wednesday. So I've took the room, the rooftop terrace at PJ O'Brien's on Wednesdays to do my solo show. In red alive.

My first one is this Wednesday at 6.15. 6.15. But then the other two Wednesdays are 8.45. They're going to be better. So if you're in Adelaide and you know people in Adelaide, I need a crowd. Yeah. If you're in Adelaide around 6.15, head down to PJ O'Brien's for some great award-winning humor from Kai Humphries, mate.

Yes. So, yeah, if you know anyone in Adelaide, help a brother out. Preach about my show. Let them know what's going on yeah Pex Appeal PJ O'Brien's on a Wednesday that should be the name of your next show

Pex Appeal Pex Appeal Pex Addict Pex Pex Pexian Pex's Pex's Pig Pex's I only drive a Pex's

yeah so that's it let's get Peckety Peckety Pecked son no that's wrecked to the theme of Rick and Morty wreck wreck that shit I'm doing I'm not doing solos here

but I am doing my solo show in the Glasgow Comedy Festival you should book that people will be listening to that from Scotland for sure March 15th I'm doing the Stand Comedy Club

as part of the Glasgow Comedy Festival With support On the night from Garrett Wah wah wah Ah yeah So fucking

Muggins and Creams Muggins and Creams Fucking sidekicks From the last few weeks Are going to be getting together And Mark Nelson Is going to be on as well And Mark Nelson as well

Who? Mark Nelson Who? I don't even know who he is He's not coming to Ibiza I hope he's allowed To go to the gig I hope he's allowed to show up So gig I hope he's allowed to show up

So the two of them are going to be on So yeah Adelaide and Glasgow That's where we are But however I can be in your I can be in your house right now Just saying that they're

So I remember I had the USBs for sale With my shows on Yep Now I've got it available to download For half the price Because there's no overheads Yep When it comes to the download.

Well, apart from the overheads of creating the show and producing the show and getting it printed. So if you'd like to have the show that I worked really, really hard on that was under critical acclaim, you can have it in your house right now with a click of a button. Go to www.kaihunfries.com forward slash shop. That's the best link for it

so yeah go buy my show it's just a fiver you listen to my podcast every week for free put a fiver

buy the paint that's all you need buy the paint and you can have my show but also just buy the DVD

you can buy the DVD if you want send the money buy him a pint put a finger in the pint and then you'll have the pint

Muggins out ladies and gentlemen thanks for listening I guess I've got to wrap up the show too yeah are we wrapping up yeah and you have been listening

to Sloss and Humphries on the road with all new previously on this podcast next up next week Muggins and Cream

Gareth Waugh puts stuff in the Muggle corner that he wishes he could do yeah Gareth Waugh puts stuff in the muggle corner that he wishes he could do. Gareth Waugh. I hate people who fly. Get in the corner. Oh, that guy's got socks on.

Get in the corner. That'll do. Outie.