Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.5 Return of the G-Tip

Episode Date: October 14, 2018

Joined by Muggins and Cream, Gareth 'G-Tip' Waugh is back for the first time of Season 3 introducing himself to the new listners and making the OG listeners wetter than New Orleans 2005. Broadcasting from Vienna as pat of the European tour with Kai returning fresh from a friends wedding in Newcastle and Gareth and Daniel arriving rotten from Prague. 

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream That's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

I shot the muggins, but I did not cream the deputy. This is the new season of the podcast and we agreed to not do your shitty intros to it. Yeah, but I'm not a guest. No, you're an annoying piece of shit. It starts with the same letters. I can see why you were confused.

A-N. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Muggins and Cream, and we have got a special guest. Shut up, Daniel. We have got a special guest with us, Gareth G-Tip Waugh. So for the new listeners to the podcast, which is actually most of you,

but to the OG listeners, who we still love the most, obviously, you will know Gareth Waugh as G-Tip, world famous rapper minus the P he is... G-Type very good so we've been on tour

we've been in Romania, we've been doing Timișoara Bucharest and Constanța Kai had to go to a wedding which we'll get on to in a second but that's when G-Tip the lovely Gareth Waugh

came in joined in in Constanța and prank tomorrow first English speaking comedian in Constanța I know this is the other thing he stole it

so in Lithuania five years ago I was going to be the first ever English-speaking comedian in Vilnius, in Lithuania. And because Kai opens for me, that title now belongs to Kai. And the same thing happens in fucking Constanza the other day. Kai goes away and I'm like, here we go. We're doing Constanza.

And obviously Gareth is opening for me. So now Gareth Wall is the first English-speaking comedian in Constanza. And Gareth is opening for me so now Gareth is the first English speaking comedian in Constanza and I have no titles to my name I'm real sick of this the best one is

usually you still get to take the claim of I'm the first Scottish comedian in Lithuania Gareth took that away from you too

it happens on an individual level too and every time I meet somebody that goes this is my first gig and I'm like that means I'm your first comedian. You've never been anybody's first comedian.

It's real. I mean, don't get me wrong. Obviously, we've had some incredible gigs the past two days. And I'm happy as it will. But could you not ever take my title from me again, you fucking sack of shit? It's the one thing I got from this.

Well, this is because... Have you ever before... Sorry, I interrupted. Have you ever before played non-English speaking people? Was it exciting, my question? No, I don't think so. No, you've played Glasgow. Hey!

Hey! It is... It's a gear change. Oh, yeah, totally. Because he was like, speak slow. And I thought I was speaking slow. And then afterwards... And he was not speaking slow at all.

The sound tech come up to us and he went to Danny. He went, you're not Scottish. He is Scottish to me. And I was like, oh, yeah, sorry. Yeah, because Romanian sound tech in Constance, I actually spent some time in Scotland, right? So we're obviously like, oh, so either you either worked in Edinburgh or Glasgow. And he was like, no, no.

Where did you work? He went, Airtree and we were like fucking hell you went deep but he never made it to either Glasgow or Edinburgh

he spent six months in Scotland only in fucking Airtree and we were like please don't judge us based on Airtree well Gareth went to Romania and just went to

Constantin exactly you know one wants it I've been to Romania did you was it Bucharest was it Cluj

no Costanza well we found out well in Romania it turns out Romania shares a border with the sea it's coastal

yeah I didn't know that we just got down to a massive bit of water and I was like which sea the sea oh

it is connected oh you know this sea like i mean wherever you are the sea you can walk to anywhere else i've never understood that we're like this is this pacific sea i'm like it's all the sea it's all the sea like you can name it differently it's all the fucking yeah but you could do that with like most of europe yeah but everywhere but not God given the United Kingdom. I accidentally think I proved the existence of God the other day.

Oh yeah? Yeah. So you know the multiverse theory? No. Right. Oh, is that the theory that there is an infinite number of universes and every single possibility exists in all those others yeah so like you could have one place where dogs are the dominant species and they walk about humans or one very

very Rick and Morty yeah first of all first of all women can vote so I don't know what your point is they're in charge and then so I was thinking I was like so that means that there's a universe out there somewhere where God did create the earth and what's to say that it's not this one well one statistics like if you believe me but it could be real right right yeah but so you've just made god's real your career's over no if your theory is there's one universe where god did create the universe... There's probably more than that....that's trillions of billions of billions of billions to one, and you're... I bet some folk win the lottery. Name seven of them.

Oh, that guy, that scouser, that fucking... No, no, you marrying Natalie, that's one. Hold on, I know a guy that won the lottery who won the lottery in Mosey as well. I know a guy called Mr. Fraser that won it in Lone Heads he won it in 8 million did he? so God exists oh well I mean

you know what I take all my atheism back then the lottery winner I know he was actually not from Liverpool he was from Wrexham

right and he come out to build a chalet in the Alps and just fucking start a new life because

you're Scottish you can't say chalet saying chalet he's not Scottish for a start well no but he's British saying ch can't say Chalet saying Chalet he's not Scottish for a start no but he's British saying Chalet is like British people

saying Bartholona it's actually something like Chalet Chalet so there was a Chalet that's what

Jesus went through because he so he he was just sick of people coming out of his way I thought it was a harlot

Mary Madeline dirty slut literally literally a lawyer so yeah he was just getting sick of people coming out of the woodwork and just bothering for money

and like he couldn't he was just like identified as so he was just the lottery winner guy that everyone wanted a piece of and now he feels

I've got to get out of here you know alright good enough remember the guy that made Flappy Bird gave up when it got mad popular

he was like I can't deal with the fame he was like you made an app that's not you're not fucking an alien you're a musk

what did your mum change her name on Facebook the same guy with the same first guy that invited AIDS by fucking the monkey

deleted Facebook two days later oh yeah too famous yeah too famous too furious so in case you haven't already

worked this out listeners this is a drunk podcast again I should point out I after our last

podcast in Timisoara I was so drunk that my mum messaged me the next day being like thank you for standing up for me and I messaged her back going what? Who is this? I don't recognise Luke Biedrosz

new number who does but apparently on the last podcast I stood up for her I also got a text from Nick Cody being like fucking hell Sloss was maggot and when Nick Cody tells you you're drunk, you realise that he is actually ready to be a father. So, yeah. He's tapped out.

He's tapped out like a bitch. Like a hero. Like Conor McGregor. Look, thankfully, in Nick Cody and Lucia's baby, Lucia's DNA has taken over, so it's a cute fucking baby. But, you know, realistically... It's already got a beard, has taken over so it's a cute fucking baby but you know realistically it's already got a beard though

yeah if it if it if it if it if it if it if it

if it if it if it if it if it if it if it if it

if it if it if it if it if it if it if it if it

if it if it if it if it if it if it if it if it

if it if it if it if it if it if it if it if it

if it if it if it if it if it if it if it if it

if it if it if it if it if it if it if it if it

if it if it if it if it if it if it if it if it

if it if it if it if it if it if it if it if it

if it if it if it if it if it if it if it if it

if it if it if it if it if it if it if it if it

if it if it if it if it if it if it if it if it if it if it if it if a joke he's got a flat head you've not seen the size of Cody's head but flat though and that's big but that's opposite of flat it's not the opposite dynamically dynamically that means watch out

he's coming for you it's big it's not flat it's bigger yeah so in your theory there's a bunch of like the world's tiny

you're like nah Neil deGrasse Tyson's like the world's tiny, you're like nah. Neil deGrasse Tyson's like the world is tiny compared to the universe, like nah it's a big thing. I heard him say something very interesting, that if the earth was the size of a snooker ball it would be smoother than a snooker ball. Yeah yeah.

It's fucking... It'd be a little bit dumb. Just a little bit. He didn't say that, I've had enough of it now. There was the one we did at school which really blew my fucking box off

right so they go if this if this basketball is the sun right and this marble is the earth

now that's not fair comparison size wise ratio yeah not fair ratio but they go you stand like

30 feet over there that's how far the distance... Why were they doing this in PE? Because we were all bad at PE. We were all failing at science. And then he went, in carry on staying that way, we play football. With his basketball, weirdly.

But the distance... One of those foam balls he used to play indoors with. Fucking floors, penny floors. But the distance between... One of those foam balls he used to play indoors with. Oh, man. Fucking floors, penny floors. Right. But they were like, so that's the distance to the Earth and if you want it to be sort of my opinion,

you may have it. I'm going to say it's further. Have you seen a way? I'm going to say it's like a mile away. But if they were to do Pluto, they were like, if you were to do Pluto from this basketball,

the basketball... Teach a whip to his dick. Yeah. It would be as far away as Pluto. No, no, it would be as far away, it would be out of the fucking Earth's atmosphere. And that's when you suddenly realise how small we are. And if we're that small, how small is Gareth Watt?

Yeah, because he's smaller. That's two jokes that fell real flat. Flat like this. Like a beer man. So this is a drunk cast for these two, but I'm on a bit of a hungover cast. Yeah, because you went to Newcastle Farce. I went to a fucking Geordie wedding,

which was amazing, by the way. Like, fucking, they nailed that wedding. Like, the fucking, the planning and all the little trimmings of it were amazing, right? But it fell on one little, tiny little detail. Is that the fact that the bride came out in just a sheerer shirt and nothing else? And everyone applauded. Fuck with crime.

Just like a man when she got married. The best man genuinely like fucking movie style sitcom style forgot the rings great

and it was the fucking it was a joy to behold it was one of the greatest things I've ever seen now can I bring up are you going to bring up the fact about the best man

in a couple of seconds what about about Joe being useless oh no no it wasn't Andy oh right so I'm gonna I'm gonna

I'll fill them in on this right so Andy and Joe are Bruce's brothers I've talked about them

so Bruce was the one that was getting married and he's the middle brother yeah

right Joe's the younger brother he's the one that lost the rings bookmark that story I'm gonna tell it right

Andy is the older brother Andy has Down Syndrome so Andy's the one that Kai spoke about in the

podcast before I've spoken about him on stage I've spoken about him a lot in my previous show, right? He's a fucking absolute diamond,

this boy, right? In the rough and that rough is the rest of Blind. When we were... He's a diamond with an extra chromosome. Which is a ruby.

When we were in I'll Be Fairer for Bruce Lee Stagg to Andy and Joe are the best men, right? And there was a point when Brucey, who's getting married, was collecting everyone's money for the hotel rooms. And he had a list written down and he was just organising everything, right? It's fucking his Stagdew. And I went, Brucey, why are you collecting money for your own Stagdew?

Why are you doing all the work? He goes, oh, it's my best men. One of them's a spacker and the other one's Andy which if you were offended by that get fucked that came from that came from the source of your villain get off

get the fuck off of this podcast and go write your blog and er so Andy and Joe are the best men right and Joe's got so Joel Joe's got the rings,

right? But Joe is fucking useless, right? Even afterwards, I got to say to Bruce, I was like, you've got to take some responsibility for this

because you picked Joe as your best man. That's like, this is kind of on you. And I got to say to him, I goes, you shouldn't give the rings to Andy.

Andy would have made it his focus. Like, he would have really put his heart into it. Like, he would have fucking been sure of it, right? That would have been his one fucking thing that he focused on.

If I had not had that boy, he would not have fucked that up, right? And I went, you should have given the rings to Andy. He went, I should have given them to Albie, who's his one year old son. Albie? So, you know. So I,

I know this is a stupid question, but how and where did they lose the rings? So this is the setting, this is what happened, right? We're in this fucking 950-year-old church, right, which is attached to a castle. This is Northumbrian fucking history, right? There's lush spots in the complex. They nailed it with a venue. It was like medieval, right? So where they're... So Gnar it was like like medieval yeah right

so Natalie was hung on the pews yeah you're like a dad which for the record Natalie's the name of the bride as well I know there's people that know Natalie

the name of my wife my wife my wife so I'm watching the v wife my wife so I'm watching the vows right watching them I'm watching the vows my eyes are on the stage

he's listening as well stage you think he's watching yeah I just want to heighten my other senses he was smelling the vows yeah

just smelling the love in the room just feeling it he did a lovely thing as well because it was like it was a god bother I went right so it was like all the love in the room, just feeling it. And Bussy did a lovely thing as well, because it was a godfather at wedding, right? So it was all going through the motions. So they'd done the line,

if anyone has any reason why they've been married, the eyes have gone, then say, now I'll forever hold your peace. And there's a pause, and a pause, and then the priest speaks again, and Bussy punched the air like a damn. So I'm watching the ceremony, right? And I just feel someone tugging at my arm.

And it's like, oh, not now. Like, I don't want anybody to talk to me. It's like if you're in a comedy club and someone tries to get your attention to chat, you're like, no matter what you've got to say. It's not as important as what's... You dig it if we're at the back of the room, but not when we're surrounded with people. It's not as important as what's on. So I ignored the first shake back of the room but not when we're surrounded with people it's not as important as what's on so I ignored the first shake

of my shoulder right and then it just got heavier and I looked and it was Michaela right little eh

little Rujan Carl's younger sister ginger princess right she's just been like a little sister to me all the way through growing up

right so like she's not going to get my attention for a quip right so she's like just for a shout

I was like not in church so em she goes Right? So she's like, I think not in church. She goes, Kai, Joe's lost the rings. And like, she points at the front aisle and Joe is empty in his pockets,

man. I'm talking empty, sitting around packing fucking handfuls of chains, right? Empty coke bags, the fucking hip flask, everything, right?

It's just like there's more stuff in front of them they're gonna physically be in these pockets right and we're like I mean if this is the joke

pat yourself down oh my god what am I like right I mean Daniel Dale Lewis the shit out of it right

Daniel ruined the Dale Lewis he's meph on acting the gin out of it right and let me tell you one thing about Joe

he isn't smart enough for that right and eh and because we knew he'd lost the rings before it was his turn to step forward

we've got to watch it we've got to watch the car crash in slow motion it's asking him to come forward, we've got to watch it. We've got to watch the car crash in slow motion. It's asking him to come up with the rings, right? And he just gets ejected. He stands up, stuck in sweat,

and he's back out, mate. Red as a fucking cherry tomato. His beads dripping off him. And he went, I've lost it, mate. And Bruce Lee hadn't seen the dilemma we'd seen in memory of his pocket. He just saw his brother, I've lost it mate and Bruce Lee hadn't seen the dilemma we'd seen

in memory use pockets he just saw his brother come and go I've lost it mate he's like alright and he was like yeah I've lost it

and then I mean one more because Bruce Lee lost his temper so did they ever find the race Bruce Lee was like Brucey was

the calmest guy in the fucking world Brucey is and I will say this as someone that has gone on safari through your

scummy friends Brucey is one of the most placid kindest smiliest human beings he's never raised his voice in his life never

even in worse situations Brucey is the nicest person and I just saw this fucking look in his eye I've never seen before

I was like oh fuck man Joe's kind of feeling the wrath here like and he just took a deep breath and turned back there

Natalie and then Joe this is worse right Demus and Rachel who are friends of ours went to give their rings to Joe right

I went to give mine right and then yeah just just a habit just like you're doing strip club Natalie went to give the rings to Joe right I went to give mine right and then yeah just a habit just like you do in a strip club Natalie

we had them on three days Natalie any issues oh what what was that one oh I'm tired sorry we're very tired

we're on the podcast Natalie went to stop us doing it right I was like oh do you not want to give them the rings and she went

that's not going to fit Brucey I've got skinny piano fingers and he's a fat lad so obviously they went to Demas Demas and Rachel gave Joel the ring

but then in the meantime Brucey's dad Joel and Brucey's dad had like been trying to figure out where it was, found out that they were at the pub. The house is at the pub. So they went to the pub. So he found out where they were.

So he just darted out the door to get them. He just got Demus and Rachel's rings. The fucking cunt had lost four rings. In the church there's four rings. He's like Sonic when he meets a wall. After four rings he'd hang up. Like a dad. Like a dad.

That's not it. No. So, the best man had the rings on at the venue now and the priest said like, he's got a job to do. What would he do?

And he went, well, what we'll do now, we'll just change the order of things and we'll move on to the next hymn. So we're out there like singing, give me your oil in my lamp, keep me burning.

When Alwa Finkniss, that motherfucker's lost the rings. He's whatever. Nobody wants to sing. So where I'll there like singing give me your love keep me burning when our fitness Nobody wants to sing give me rings my life get me married So I was singing him and then So I was singing him, and then they summed up that part of the ceremony, like a prayer, right? Please, I hope the ring's torn out. Jesus, I know you're not about material objects. Go on, have some mercy, though, please.

So he still wasn't back yet, and the priest went, well well I'd like to tell everybody that the rings aren't legally binding they're just symbolic significance so you ripped

off yours and threw it in Matley's face what was this waste of money and that was funny as well with Davis as

well when I went well your ring's expensive and he went here's what it was just a little

bad fucking a harry mill one I wouldn't nibbles out of it alright a harry mill one but most of it's been chewed over the years

the second he put it on he started going I like the little ones like this turned into the advert I wasn't seeing that bit sorry mate I didn't mean it

not like a joke to get the reference you had to own a TV when you were 13 years old I'm a lot older than you guys as well but you also didn't own a TV

when you were 13 this might be true might be black way I had a black way telly at 13 aye I played

quite a lot of television but not genuinely had a black way telly and you had to tune it and the subtitles were the colours it wasn't the words it was just

whenever the thing was on TV it would be like blue dress brown eyes it was a colour telly it just had BET and top of the pops no no no

it was a colour telly it was Natalie's oh racism so the priest said, this is a symbolic part of the wedding, so I'm happy to tell you that Natalie and Chris are now married. It's like a big cheer, but they didn't know... And they brought the symbols.

They didn't know what to do. Sorry, I'll translate. They didn't know what to do, so they high-fived. She and Natalie high-fived. You mean they high-fived the bride. Okay, so they, married then? And if they wanted a divorce, if they do high-five and then down low and she was too slow, that's the divorce.

Nulled? Yeah, nulled, fully nulled. And then Joel come in, if he wasn't sweating before, he was fucking sweating all day, he looked like he swam here. And he had the ring rings over and the fucking they stopped it for a bit he just went talk amongst yourselves

I was like finally I've got loads of jokes brewing and then they just restarted and he turned in but fuck man we had his life so they did a maligun

on the wedding a full on maligun a full on maligun and then but what was nice is that they'd done the speeches right

and like Brucey was so chilled out he didn't hang anything on him he'd just do a couple of quips he didn't like

oh you spoiled me big day because they put so much fucking work into this wedding it was like a festival I swear

it was fucking remarkable that is something I'll bring up now is I would put this in my recording but it's not in my corner. But people that sort of have that stance on their wedding day of,

you ruined my wedding day. If your wedding is true love, nothing can ruin your wedding day. And this is the only time I'll ever publicly give props to Natalie. The wedding was on your wedding. Mint ass. Off subject, but anyway. If we're talking about a body, Natalie has cracking tits. So do my sneer.

But she went to the wedding on the beach, and we were just there in one of the very few days that there was rain in Ibiza. And as I will still hold to, the reason it was raining and Ibiza on that one day is because two faggots were getting married wow wow but Natalie so before

we were just we were on the beach me and Matty we had a bit of panic about having indoors outdoors it was starting to rain but not enough for people to get drenched

no no no but what if it opens what if the sky's open and we phoned Natalie and she just went I'm getting married on the beach like if I'm willing to get wet everyone's willing to get wet

and I said stop watching my specials but there was nothing that could and trust me, I tried to ruin your wedding day on several occasions and it was unruinable because it would have

totally added to the charm if it poured down though absolutely would have it would have like bonded everybody yeah so commendation to Brucey and his Natalie

that's the sign of a good wedding like nothing can ruin it because it's and that's what was funny your special day is the occasion it's not how perfect it goes

it's not about the fucking cake it's the celebration of these two ugly perfect it goes it's not about the fucking cake it's the celebration of these two ugly cunts and it can be perfect and it's imperfection yeah to quote a muggle

to quote a muggle right under the radio it did but trust me Bruce is going to text me but not anything me because he's too nice yeah I'll have to listen

back to that sorry about that I'm used to you rolling over all my jokes in this podcast but to be honest it wasn't really a joke it wasn fine. I'm used to you rolling over all my jokes in this podcast. It wasn't really a joke. It wasn't really a joke. He called your mates ugly cunts and that was it.

And him, no. It was a double whammy. Why are you calling Kyle a whammy? I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, and that's why... It would have been great when you'd look at it. I'd be like, oh, hi.

I never noticed before. Yeah, Marty Lane, who took all the photographs from the wedding, right? He sent us the fucking amazing... I haven't been able to stop looking at the photos in quality but there's loads in where Natalie's looking fucking perfect and looking at me so longingly and then I'm like, eyes shut looking like I'm about to sneeze. So I've been having fun with them, putting them up online and stuff and he was like, oh I'm glad I got to send you the outtakes because you wouldn't believe how many people want a wedding that looked like nobody blinked,

nobody went slack jaw, everybody, like, every hair was in place of all time. And it was like, it was so perfect, it was fucking boring and dull. It was like the fact that you didn't embrace anything that, like... Because that's what life is, right? And it's also what the rest of your marriage is going to be, which is hideous.

Like, it sets up in the rest of your marriage is going to be which is hideous like it sets up in the fact that like no relationships are perfect so when you have these sort of I guess

trophies to how perfect the day can you not do your best man speech on the podcast man I am so curious

I cannot wait to see Dean's recording of my best man speech because I'll be honest with you I was so drunk I don't remember any of it

we could play them on the podcast when we get the recording no, no I have a career to withhold so I'm not going to do that at all, yeah you don't want to be opening for me on anything that's on public media but the rest of the wedding was so no it was

Bruce's speech was lovely from the heart Kev the Natalie's dad actually like he just he just done one thing

where he went he just blew over but with like I mean the best men have been unbelievable but he said it a half a beat

a half a beat slam yeah it was like if he hadn't left the beat it would have just been a compliment but because he left the beat it would have just been a compliment yeah but because he left the beat

it made it like an ambiguous word that couldn't make it either right so he slammed him with like a subtly and he didn't take off on him and all that right

and then Joe was Joe I mean it was lovely because like Andy got up to do a speech right and he started it with when I first met Chris and Natalie and it was the cutest thing

ever and it was fucking adorable because like Chris's younger brother like when he met him it was in the maternity ward and Natalie was like Natalie was some

20 years later and they because they'd been after 14 years no pussy Natalie she was like fucking a good time and I will have it on record that that is the second Natalie

I would absolutely smash aye kind of believe it was a white wedding well Natalie was there oh yeah so when he got up when Joe got up to do his speech, he went in his top pocket and got his notes,

and then just had this look of devastation on his face and started patting his pockets down. Right, right. Aye, very good. So that was his comeback post, and then he had a banging speech, man. It was fucking so good, because we were going, when you fuck this speech up, it's the trifecta

of fucking up the best man. You've got three roles you've got the stag do the rings and the speech you're like you're on nil we're just like

the third one to go but yeah he pulled it out back to the speech it was fucking great excellent now this gives us time

to move on to Michael Corner which again I know we did in the last podcast but I was shit faced so I don't know if I explained it well

so we will now invite Gareth Wong, Sir G-Tip, to explain to the podcast listeners what a muggle is. Hear you, hear you. A muggle is somebody devoid of, well, not devoid of original thought,

but occasionally lapses into no original thoughts, where they'll just say something or do something or be something and it doesn't make a bad person it's a lovely place to be actually we're all guilty of mugglery it's almost like ignorance is bliss personified

yes which is why we acknowledge the muggle things that we all do and if we are guilty of them we stand in the corner for 30 seconds just so we have to repent for our muggly sins. But one thing we do have to agree on is that everybody has to agree it's muggly. Everyone on the podcast, even if it's 2-1 on this podcast,

it has to be all three people agree that it's muggly because you have to be able to convince the other people why it's muggly. So do you mind if I open? Yeah. This is a very specific one and this is going to feel like an attack to some fans

but I'll be honest with you Kanchi fucking earned it muggles do not check tour dates what you use you as Google oh so obviously

I'll go hey London there's a new show announced and then muggles will go what about Manchester I'm like go on the same

website i just fucking linked yeah like it's don't get me wrong from the people from india argentina brazil uh germany and these other places that we're not going to you are

fully allowed to say what about this place but if we're coming there if we're coming there or you've just been there somebody fucking genuinely yesterday after actually

the uh london day so it's like when are you ever going to come to, when are you ever going to come to Latvia? I was like, I was just there. There was a tweet the other day where somebody was like, what about this place? And you were like, I'm there now. Right now. Right on the day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They were like, why are you coming to this place? I'm like, the country I literally... There's only so much I can do. I'm giving you the website of all my days I'm not going to tweet about every day you spend your life on the road

yeah like I'm on the road every day it's up to you at some point and it's just this and you can't you can't have like

a one-to-one interaction with every pun now when you're paying six to seven hundred people a day it's just this and the reason it's mugglery

is because it's lazy, but it's also just... Well, it's actually quite transparent that they're just trying to get a response from you. Yeah. Because I can't understand any thought process that like, let's say if I find out like Eminem's touring,

right, I'll fucking, I'll look up where he is and I'll figure out out of the dates that he's at which one I can go to, right? One, I wouldn't, I'll figure out out of the dates that he's at which one I can go to. One, I wouldn't

tweet him before I did that. And after it I wouldn't tweet him going, what about Newcastle? Like, what part

of the thought process? There's a big part of me that just goes like, look, if I was just doing a UK tour

and you were like, what about fucking these places? You know what, I'm not travelling. We're doing a European tour, right? I am literally flying five hours from where I live to some places and you're like, oh, you're only in this part of the Czech Republic. Fucking drive

cunt. I flew here. People do. I want to just say a massive fucking thank you to people that do. because before we played Latvia, people would travel from Latvia to Estonia to come to the show. There were a million people in Romania and Costanza

that were like, oh, we've came here from Bucharest. Because Bucharest was sold out. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so those people absolutely not my people but it's the people

that just go, you're not getting it. It's like me going, like let's say fucking Rihanna does a term. We all know how much of a big fan I am of Rihanna. I'm like, what about East Queens

well this is what's happening they're making out that's such a big fan that they need you to come to there but they're not that big a fan

that they meet you a little bit further it's literally they're just trying to get a response that's all they're doing trying to get a rise trying to get a

interaction and what I will say is there are some of these people understand if you are someone that says, why not Brazil, why not Germany, why not Canada, why not... Japan. Japan, places that I am working at, you're not a muggle.

Like, you are making legit requests that I'm not coming there. If you are in the country that I am in... Or the city, if you're in the same place yeah it's down to you that's the thing it's when people people ask you

before googling it like someone in Argentina asking you just google it see it's not in Argentina ask about Argentina and you'll respond going fuck man

I'd love to come keep an eye on my website keep me posted but so yeah it's a yeah that's a yeah that's a

I mean for Muggle Corner that's quite niche not many people are going to stand in Muggle Corner not many people but I want

I also want the podcast listeners who have done it legitimately to understand that some of you are not muggles this is a very specific type of

and again don't get me wrong this is part of what happens after Netflix I enjoy it it's lovely to know where fucking fans are

but there's just so many times that you fucking one guy said when are you going to come to Denmark when I land in Copenhagen I'm like

Google Google I am not your Google I think we can zoom out on this then anybody that asks a question on Facebook or Twitter

that you can Google. They are the same people. Because it's a very niche one where not many people are going to do it. But if you ask anybody a question, you can Google. Yourself. Unless my answer can only be answered by me.

Half the time as well, you know, if anybody asks us about stuff like that, I'll Google it and then answer. Yeah. I'm just saying, I just made me Google. I don't know my tour dates. Yeah.

So people say to me, when are you in New York? I'll go either January or February. You physically can't know, like, you have to have like a... Week by week, isn't it?

Yeah. Sometimes day by day, man, it's like fucking hard because you haven't just got the tour dates and which city you're in, you've got which flights,

what times, what hotels, you've got like so many things that you just have to go, one foot in front of the other. And also, this is not exclusive to me, if you are any person that has ever said to any form of celebrity, why are you not coming to my city without googling it first, you're not a bad person, your heart's in the right place, but you go put your heart that's in the right place in the corner Give it to some guy

Yeah So yeah, I'll put that in Muggle Corner, but with the caveat that it's a broader stroke Yeah, it's a broader stroke Gareth, do you have a Muggle Corner? I feel like this one must have been done before But that's fine, we've got a bunch of new business And a new twist on it as well, having your opinion Muggles post a photo of airplane wing photos.

Oh, it's not a bad guy. The airplane wing photo. And also, I am straight in the corner for this. I got rinsed by the list, as you know. I'd done a time-lapse of the plane coming into land. Yeah. But I started it way early, so it was long. It was like over three Instagram stories

of it just coming into land. And everybody watched it. Everyone trusted that it was going to have a punchline. And it didn't. And the land and everybody watched it. Everyone trusted that it was going to have a punchline. And they stuck with it and it didn't have anything. First of all, it's not interesting.

It's not. Second, there's never been a good photo from an airplane window. Like, it's never as good as what you're looking at.

I would, yeah. I sometimes use it as a backdrop. I always use it as a backdrop to put where I'm going and where I'm coming from and where I'm buying. Just as a little walkthrough.

I do feel lovely when I do it. I did it in Slovenia and just because when you're landing in Slovenia, that is a stunning country. And I was changing, I looked out the window and I had to look out a bunch of airplane windows and feel nice. It looks nice so you're like, I'll take four, but then it just looks nice.

This is why I meant it's Mugley and I am in the corner I'll go stand at the end of this podcast I'll stand in that corner for 30 seconds yeah it's

it's it's bragging it's bragging innit I would also argue if you took a photo in front of the Statue of Liberty Eiffel Tower Leaning Tower of Pisa

something that we've all fucking seen pizza pizza yeah can I get an espresso please fucking uncultured swine

just kidding aye it's just like it's so like especially see if it's clouds as well that's way worse

oh yeah if it's like like night over a city and there's all the lights and stuff then it's a little bit more interesting but if it's just

clouds you're like however we are showing how much we've just been desensitised to fucking all because that should be amazing right

if you've got a picture from above the clouds it should be amazing but the fact that anybody can do it yeah but that is the fact the reason it's not

is because anyone can do it right even if it's not that though because like when I'm in a window seat in a plane and I look

and I go fucking hell this is nuts I always go this is because when I'm in a window seat in a plane, and I look and I go, fucking hell, this is nuts. I always go, this is mad as fuck. But in a photo, it just doesn't capture that. I sometimes used to do this thing. I've stopped doing it now. But I used to do it every time a plane took off. We're flying.

We're flying. We discussed this the other day on the flight from Constanza to here. Flying makes no sense. Oh, the engines on our plane were on the tail right so I would say

that doesn't make sense so the wings right if the plane let's say the plane now we're just kind of like a fucking like a

we're kind of a chicken chaser now when you snap the stick off we're just going the plane should have done that I was like

oh it makes sense if the engines are under the wings and he was like how and I went alright fuck I was like oh it makes sense if the engines are under the wings and he was like how and I went alright but

but not on the tail they were on the tail they were on the tail and the wings were three quarters of the way black black

black I agree very good three quarters of the way back and you just look at that and you go look I'm not a man of science

but there's no way in the world that she's ever flying there's no way she's flying don't get me wrong I am always anytime I want to play in some days

you take it for granted you suddenly realise what is happening is ridiculous this what seven to fucking

fifty tonne vehicle there's gotta be people going nuts right because they'll know that the air will foil and the air will go in another wing and the negative pressure and vehicle? There's got to be people going nuts, right? Because they'll know that the air will foil and the air will go in another wing and the negative pressure and all that shit. Yeah, and to those people, Dad, shut up, you fucking dweeb.

I've battered you before, I'll batter you again. These people are like, you're a domestically abused dad. They sometimes just say the words they've heard, right? But they still can't get their head around it. Because if you keep saying, but then how, right? Yeah. It was the maintenance technician at my old job at the sports centre, right?

I just, like I said, I'm so confused by magnets, right? And I had a magnet and I had a bit of metal. And I let go of the metal and it stuck to the magnet. And I went, there's nothing between them, right? But something is pulling that to there. Something's grabbing it through the end pulling it to there and he was like oh it's like

the electrons and the fucking negative charge and he's saying the words he heard in the book and I went but how though

do you say in words that I've heard before right and I get it right that's what the manual says because you always read the manual when you get a magnet

aye aye if you're sensible but fucking it's your funeral if it's sensible but fucking it's your funeral if you don't but how about how about right but how about Dave

explain to us how it's grabbing it and fucking honestly lay him in terms teach us I'm willing to lay him it's all me he's like

lexons here's a stupid question right because I'm fully with you I don't understand how magnets draw each other to each other. Except that they do, because I can see the evidence, right?

But if we agree that something happens in the visible space there between electrons and ions and whatnot, right? If you get super powerful magnets and you put them on either side of your head... Is that an MRI scan? Maybe. But, like, how does that not affect your brain? Like, if it's...

Because we're in plastic? But if our brains are filled with all this fucking shit, and again, there's a reasonable explanation for this, which, again, I'll never understand. Maybe it's just because you've got an iron deficiency? No. No. Do you reckon that's why I didn't get the

arm at the job that's why I didn't understand it yeah right airplane wing

foes muggley again I'm in the corner you're in the corner I'm pretty sure you're in the corner I've got them I

just don't post them that's way worse that's way worse I just attack the bathroom with it I just show Laura that

what about that just for the... I just show her the sunset. Yeah, sunset over a fucking pier. Is your back... No, my wallpaper changes. He's got a default backdrop. So I think all three of us

are going for that one. And that's just, again, to prove to people that when we say the term muggle, it's not necessarily an insult. An impulse? Well, an impulse. It is an impulse. Oh, impulse. I insult an insult an impulse well an impulse it is an impulse

because a lot of people oh impulse I thought you said an impulse I probably did there's not an impulse

anyway this is the second podcast I've done in a row yeah this is the second fucking

podcast I've done in a row and I reckon after this there's going to be a lot more team muggins badges being

brought than their team brought yeah can you fuck off no with your

you fucking change your spell checker oh yeah I'm not bad here aye I'm a spell checker too what's your one right

this one got in the comments on podbean sorry I'm gonna I'm gonna use somebody one of the listeners

put this forward I can't remember the name and to use somebody one of the listeners put this forward I can't remember the name and it's going to really slow the podcast down if I go looking for it so a listener put on the Podbean comments and I disagree with it

but I'm going to let you guys have a chance to convince me I'm going to give you I'm going to give you guys a chance to convince me but they suggested

that sparkling water is downright muggly 100% you breathe air why do you want it in your drink and I'll actually make but that was their. You breathe air wide, you want it in your drink, and I'll add to your mate. But that was their thing. You breathe air wide, you want it in your drink. However, you didn't want flat-quarter cola.

Wrong, right? But with sparkling water, right, sometimes I'm drinking water because I want to have a kick, right? I'm drinking green tea, water, black coffee, whatever, right? They're the things I drink. But if I'm having a fucking meal that needs washing down, water, sometimes, like after food, water, just sometimes doesn't do the trick of washing it down. well alright they're the things I drink but if I'm having a fucking meal that needs washing down water sometimes like after food

water just sometimes doesn't do the trick of washing it down but if you've got sparkling water it feels like it's like it's breaking down

shit that's in your mouth it's actually it's got the consistency that goes well with following a meal I actually I truly despise sparkling water

I think it's I used to try and have a glass of water after like something a bit greasy I have and I will and I'll continue to do that I used to reallyise sparkling water. I think it's... Try having a glass of water after, like, a big greasy. I have. And I will. And I'll continue to do that.

I used to really hate sparkling water. I don't mind it so much now. But it's mad that it changes opinions. So, like, just add an air to a drink. Everyone's like, that's fucking rank. It's the same thing. It's not... The thing that blows my mind, right,

is if you're sparkling water at a fancy restaurant, that's fine. But if I get still water and blow bubbles into my drink I'm still thrown out of that restaurant like what is the difference between that

can you throw it in for that well I've tried to he was blown out the waiter's arse I think sparkling water anyone that goes again and I'm biased here because I think anyone that goes again and I'm biased here

because I think water is the by definition water is the lowest form of liquid well that's the thing sometimes

it's not it literally gives all of us you don't know but that's what I mean it's the lowest form of liquid right the second you're 80% water

so you're the lowest form of person yeah yeah yeah well and you too but like I'm not you no I'm too many names no I had water so you're the lowest form of person. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, and you too. But like... Shit, it's me. Not you. No, I'm 79.

I understand water is fucking important for fucking health and all that fucking nerdy shit, right? But if you give me an option of water and literally any other liquid, apart from sparkling water, I will go for any other liquid, right? And he has... Ah, water's great.

The second it's fucking flavoured, it's way better. It's the same. I do. Sometimes I want to drink without having fucking eight spoonfuls of sugar. Yeah.

It's not a fucking big-ass to go on, right? I want to have a drink, but I don't want to have a ton of sugar in my fucking mouth. I mostly drink water now, so it's way better. It's more satisfying. But it's just like drinking air.

You're going, oh, people go, it's refreshing. I'm like, There's no flavour. Do you want flat Coca-Cola? No. Do you want flat Fanta? No, but I'm drinking that for the flavour and the experience.

Are we going to have that without the fizz? I breathe in air, apparently. To be fair, if I was offered fizzier, I would go fizzier. Yeah, I mean, I vape, so I've got no argument. I'd literally do fizzier. I don't think it's muggly. I think it's, I vape, so I've got no argument. But you get fizzy air. I literally do fizzy air. I don't think it's muggly. I think it's... I don't think it's muggly.

I understand where they're coming from. You don't like it. I just don't understand how you can put sparkling water in, but not sparkling Coca-Cola, sparkling lemonade, sparkling... No, no, because that's by definition... Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I don't know how you can just blank it. That's...

No, no, no, no, no, because water... I tell you what,oda streams are muggling Yeah Fuck aye If you've got soda streams Water is by itself By Water is not fizzy

So to make it fizzy You're adding an extra bit Water's not flavoured But if you add flavour Good point But at that point I would argue You change the drink

But if you use sparkling water If you add flavour to it It's no longer water It's diluted juice It's fucking the drink but if you sparkling water if you have flavour to it it's no longer water it's diluted juice it's fucking whatever

if you're drinking sparkling water all you've done is you've gone I'm too fancy for water I'm going to

make it it's not about being fancy come on I do it I do it it's clearly not a fancy

thing I'm hardly fucking Mr. Laurie you've never done it in a

well of spoons you've only ever done it in fancy restaurants I would

argue you've never drank sparkling water in a well of spoons are've only ever done it in fancy restaurants I would argue you've never drank sparkling water In well of spoons Are you fucking kidding me? To be honest If I'm going to pay for water right I'm getting it sparkling I'm not going to pay for water

I'm going to get it at the tap Like If anything But you don't pay for the water That comes out the tap Aye Aye So if you want water

Out of fucking well of spoons You're getting it from fucking Freed from the fucking tap Unless you're in America Where they charge for everything But If you want sparkling water of fucking Wetherspoons you're getting it from fucking Freed from the fucking tap unless you're in America where they charge for everything but if you want a spot in the market

if you're in a beef I'd charge you 15 euros for water because the Nair are on pills and they know you need it so it's your fucking

trip tax yeah if trip tax is good my problem with it is like if you wanted water

if you wanted to be refreshed if you wanted water in your system for fucking health reasons that is free at 95% of places you're deciding to spend an extra

3 to 7 quid for just oh it fizzes like champagne but without any of the joy go fuck yourself wait can I tell you, wait, this is one thing.

Do you like Prosecco and Carver and champagne? Not massively, no. Because if you like, if you like sparkling wine, that's because someone

gave Jesus sparkling water. I don't know. Well, I think we're on all three sides of the coin. He's a triangle coiner because you

obviously hate sparkling water yeah you it's a preference I will go on record to say not only do I hate

sparkling water I hate people that drink sparkling water it's such a it's such a muggly way for you to think

you're better no no no I've took it alone like this isn't me trying to fucking like project myself to some kind of alright well then

you're one of the rare ones you're like the vegans that doesn't talk about I'm like somebody that wants to wash my drink down with something that's actually

going to wash it down and not just wash it I had it tonight when we were at the restaurant but that was because everybody else wanted the normal water and I went

I'll just have the sparkling one because I don't mind but if I got the option I would take normal water but I don, well, I'll just have the sparkling one because I don't mind. But if I got the option, I would take normal water. But I don't think it's muggly. I think it goes mint with a meal. To the person who put this in, I am 100% on your side. I think people...

He hasn't done a very good job of convincing us. No, I haven't. I haven't. And that's why... I don't like it, so it's muggly. Yes. It's exactly my argument. Which is why... Which is very much their tone too.

It was very much an objective personal taste thing. It will not go into muggle corner, but I sympathise with you. I think people who drink sparkling water have kids that are ugly. My dad drinks it? I think a big proportion of sparkling water drinkers, the people that would take it,

I feel like they are probably... That's people that would take it they're like oh god I feel like they are probably that's why I would argue that sparkling water there are some people like Kai as you just said you find it more refreshing but I would argue

that you are a minimal percentage nah I think the percentage is higher nah I think I think I'd find sparkling still water refreshing on its own

fuck man I didn't want to at half time get a glass of sparkling water fuck that but I wouldn't want Pepsi I used to be get a glass of sparkling water fuck that but I wouldn't want Pepsi I used to be like

nah it's minging but now I'm like nah it's not too bad I haven't convinced it so it hasn't went in so sparkling water is not in Muggle Corner airplane wings

photos of that is absolutely in Muggle Corner people that ask questions you can just google people that ask googleable fucking questions now just before we go

into this we will do our next couple of Tuesday every single part of our tour apart from Zagreb and Rijeka which are both

very close to selling out or sold out except for Bratislava you Slovenian fuck which is tonight if you listen to this podcast on its release date

no it's not it's tomorrow if you're listening to this on its release date oh yeah it's on Friday see's tomorrow if you're listening to this on release date. Oh yeah, it's on Friday. Say the date, say the date.

15th, Vienna sold out. 16th, the Tuesday of the Tuesday of November. One Tuesday of November. Bratislava. There are a bunch of other dates

in the UK that are not sold out yet and do not worry, we're going to be coming back to a bunch of other European cities we are also very much working on an American and

Canadian tour all other European dates are sold out Gareth do you have any gigs that you would like to I'm mostly just club stuff in the UK have you got a website that can find you on? garethwell.co.uk but the one that I would like to plug is in December

I'm going to be in London at the Pleasance and it's the first time I've done London Fuck yeah So that'll be good I hope I'm around for that And then

What date is that sorry? The 9th of December Fuck it Oh I'm done doing my solo dates then Let's get maggot Yeah yeah And then I'm there for like a

a whole week but that's the one that's just me that I want to sell. So, 9th of December. I'd like to thank everybody who's bought my Punch Drunk show so far.

People that have tweeted and emailed saying that they enjoyed it. Thank you to you guys. And if anybody hasn't watched it yet, it's available on www.kaihoffice.com

forward slash shop and you can get it for cheap with a discount code Muggins. M-U-G-G-I-N-S I've watched the start of that about 20 times

because I've kept it open on my browser right and then anytime I close a window it just plays the first 20 seconds really well

hey clock us in if I'm not back in I've heard that phrase like 20 times I'm like shut up fucking shut up but Barry fucking

nailed the production of it it's such a like I feel like I've got a product that's like fucking it's great shut up fucking shut up Kai very good though but Barry fucking nailed the production of it so so good it's such a like I feel like I've got a product that's like fucking it's great

like an HBO special type fucking level production yeah uh Cara your dad flosses with

actual string it's cheaper huh uh Kai your dad does aqua aerobics in the Kai your dad does aqua aerobics in the sink

your dad baths in the garden like a bird Kai your dad ties his shoelaces with his teeth but like

you know girls do it with cherry he puts he puts the shoelaces he's like watch this but they're also

like his football trainers so they're rancid Daniel your dad's motto is David Beckham more like

David yes please Danny your dad identifies as Mexican and insists that you use

the correct pronouns such as gringo essay and smelly Mexican and insists that you use the correct pronouns such as gringo essay and smelly Mexican and to the people that ask it for

sharing Mexico the answer is now no Gareth your dad's last meal on death row is hay because he's a little horse

Kai your dad jumps in puddles Puddles is his nickname For your mum Gareth Gareth When your dad says He was born ready

It's because he's always naked Doesn't have any teeth Kai Your dad's motto is If you do what you love You'll never work a day In your life Which is why He's a cat gynaecologist.

How many mottos has he got? His other motto is, you can't have too many mottos. Danny, your dad goes, after he rims the dog. Her name's Leslie, but thank you. Gareth, the old dad is

constantly on the phone to your mum and las holders. It's weird because they're divorced. Kai, your

dad's arsehole has a cleft palate. Kai, your dad has a fruit of the loom suit. Danny, your Kai your dad has a Fruit of the Loom suit Danny your dad's got a secret handshake that he won't tell anyone about

so he never gets to use it Kai your dad has 17 subscribers on his YouTube and regularly says hashtag love my fans Kai your dad poos like a Toblerone Gareth your dad poos like a Toblerone Gareth your dad applies

to be the Morgan your dad applied to be the baby Jesus in the school activity but he didn't get the part because he's 57 and doesn't go to that school

even though he was born ready Gareth your dad charges his phone more than he charges his foot fetish clients Danny your dad

refuses to do like euro trash off his skybox speaking of which Danny whenever your dad presses the red button on the sky remote he pretends he's

North Korea Kai your dad presses the red button on the Sky remote, he pretends he's North Korean. Kai, your dad takes a run up to shit. Like a Toblerone. Danny, your dad's racist to Furbies. Which is awful because they can hold him accountable in court. Also, you can't call him that. Sorry, Estonians.

Gareth, your dad lists his friends on his CV and he always pretends he's printing them out. Kai, your dad sellotaped a laser pointer to his dick so he could really nail your mum between the eyes. The cat just scratches her. Kai, your dad DJs on the bus and he's the driver. Kai, your dad is a jockey and he uses the weapon himself. I'm done Kai your dad is a jockey and he uses the whip on himself I'm done I'm done

well thank you for listening to our horrible podcast if you've been an audience I've been Kai Humphries I've been Daniel Cream and I've been Pickle Big Dickle what

what oh Big Dick oh no he said Pickle Ann yeah bye Pickle I'm torn thank you ma'am