Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.6 Lost Luggage

Episode Date: October 18, 2018

Sitting in Warsaw, Poland with no luggage Muggins and Cream take on an oh so familiar rant at airline companies and discuss the art of swearing, including the gender appropriation surrounding the use of the word bitch. Real high brow stuff that you've come to know and love. Press play and numb your mind for an hour.

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Ah, muggles! Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

What a strange question to ask. I've been loads of places since 9-11. It would be easier if I just rang up the places I haven't been since 9-11. It's been a good 16 years. Are you trying to pitch the narrative at the start of every one of these podcasts? I'm just asking you, where have you been since 9-11?

Do they not know we don't do it live I thought they thought we'd do it live every time just with a fucking sing along I think that would be my biggest fear about doing a live podcast is just putting that on and just hearing people just singing the words tickle the clit inside your head that makes you laugh and then just me going oh I don't respect our fans.

You know, I haven't listened back to episode one since we did episode one. So like, I don't know the context of them. Where have you been since 9-11? I know it comes from our biggest ever fucking gripe that's always on this podcast and one that we're about to get into is airports and airplanes.

It's about people not doing it fucking properly. And we've got an airport situation now where we've travelled from Bratislava via Prague to... Where are we? Wrocław, Warsaw. Can we say Warsaw? They call it Wrocław, don't they? They're wrong.

Well, yeah. No, I mean, we're wrong, but I always hate saying Wrocław and Wrocław because I just say Wrocław. Wrocław. I always like just saying it the way we'd say it because it's the equivalent of the cunts that say, it's actually pronounced Barthelona.

No, it's pronounced Barthelona if you're from Barcelona. Do people call it Edinburgh from outside of Edinburgh? And you just have to go... The Americans do, because I get bored of trying to teach Americans. Are you from Edinburgh? Yes, that's where I'm from. Edinburgh. It was the Eminem concert in Bella Houston Park in Glasgow,

where he kept calling it Glasgow. Aye. We're not Glasgow. Just Americans can't say a lot of things. That's why Americans can't swear. I know I've talked about this on the podcast before. But the reasons Americans can't swear is because they elongate their vowels, right?

Swearing only works if you have a guttural accent the way the Scots, English, and the Aussies, and the Irish do, which is our vowels are very, very short, right? Fuck, shit, cunt, motherfucker. All those are very, very short vowels in the middle there. Americans elongate their vowels. They're a very musical accent.

So it's fuck, shit, asshole, motherfucker. Like everything's on it. And it just goes, you sound, there's, I've been American could scream a tirade of cunts in my face and I would just

never feel threatened because it's the most musical and pathetic accent to swear in why don't you fuck off you asshole eat a fucking

dick cunt I'll deck you there's a massive difference between those two fucking things like it's like British swearing is a lot like again I've said definitely said this before it's a massive difference between those two fucking things. It's like British swearing is a lot like,

again, I've definitely said this before, it's a lot like fucking a drum kit. Motherfucking, motherfucking shit can't fuck. Motherfucking, motherfucking shit can't. Whereas theirs is like a fucking... It's percussion. Aye, ours is percussion-y, whereas theirs is like a fucking flute.

Do-do-do, you motherfuckers. It's just shit. Americans, swearing doesn't belong to the Americans. Do's just shit. Americans, swearing doesn't belong to the Americans. Do Americans say shite? No, no. And if they do,

they go shite. Shite? Do you say shite with an E? Yeah, so what is that all about? That's crazy. You guys are silly fuckers. Like, oh my God. Do you put an E

on the end of fuck and say fuke? It's the only... I like saying fuke. The only time I'm ever offended by swearing is when... Do you say fuke? It's the only... Am I saying fuke? The only time I'm ever offended by swearing is when... Do you say pice?

Pice off. The only time I've ever offended by swearing is whenever you hear American swearing. And it's not the swearing that offends me.

It's how badly I swear. And I know there'll be people from fucking Boston and New York and be like, no, we do it well. We're from...

No, you don't. No, you don't. Every American accent... Why do they say twat? Because they're stupid.. No, you don't. Every American accent. Why do they say twat? Because they're stupid. Because they're stupid cunts. It's like the whole joy of that word is in the twat. Twat.

Twat. What a twat. Because again, as with a lot of American swearing, they seem to think that for every American, a swear word is almost a noun, right? So that's why cunt to them. Oh, no, sorry. Yeah, cunt's like a physical part of the body. They think cunt's vagina. Whereas anytime somebody said's why cunt to them oh no sorry yeah cunt's like a physical part of the body they think cunt's vagina whereas anytime somebody said the word cunt to me i have to be

reminded that in some parts of the world it means vagina i've never used the word cunt unless i use it like it's a joke like i'm gonna kick him in the cunt and even then i'm talking about yeah even then i'm gonna kick his cunt in and that refers to both men and women that's just your general area. And it's the same with twat. Because twat is a verb to us as well. Like you twat someone. Yeah.

And I get it, right? You say what, but then you say twat. But if you took the H out of what, it would be what? Yeah. Trust me, the Americans, they're across the board wrong at swearing. That's why in America, they've got this stupid thing where the reason cunt's offensive

is because they'll go yeah but you can't say it to a woman and you go yes you can that's sexist otherwise that's why that word still has power over there

is because if you say to a if you say to a fucking American woman you're a cunt she'll take it as a sexist thing whereas if I go

I could phone my mum right now and be like what's up cunt and at no part would her feminism ever kick in and being like oh my god this is degrading the one thing where i guess i could be deemed as sexist with uh with the use of a word would be if i'm calling a guy a bitch and i'm calling a girl a bitch i mean two completely different things oh that's true like if i'm calling a guy a bitch i mean like why you've been fucking weak i'm calling a guy a bitch, I mean, like, why have you been fucking weak? Right. I'm calling a girl a bitch.

I'm like, why have you been strong? Yeah, I guess maybe that is true. Yeah, because if you call a girl a bitch, that's normally, like, she's complaining about something that you are normally definitely in the wrong for. And then, oh, no, but then again, I would also say, like, I was like, why have you been a bitch about this? Oh, no, that's a good point, actually.

I'd never considered that it is that actually the difference between you call a man weak and you call a woman strong if you call them a bitch if a woman's being a bitch it's because they're being

aggressive assertive dominant right and if a guy's being a bitch it's because they're being the opposite of those things

that's a very interesting point that never gets but even then like it's I totally agree with you right they would go there's sexism in that

and you go yeah yeah yeah but also you forget that I was calling you a bitch so I was trying to upset you the whole point

of this the whole point of me swearing was to fucking upset you oh man but I may have upset some

bystanders the whole agenda was collateral damage in me trying to upset you there. Yeah. Also, it's not so much like sexism as like gender appropriation, is that a word? No. And again, this is something that we talk about a lot with being fucking offended is, you know, I know it's an old fucking hack thing, like offence is taken, right? The reason I don't get offended,

apart from the fact that I'm a straight white man who everything's going right for, is also the fact that, like, I just choose not to be offended. Like, you can fucking tee off on me and my personality and I'll just go, I no longer respect your opinion or your words, so therefore they have no effect on me.

Like, if somebody I didn't respect started insulting me, I'd be like, I don't respect your opinion on the weather. Like in what world do you think I respect your opinion on me? Yeah, you can really empower people by being offended by them. Oh, you're giving them this

level of fucking power over you. You can say you can try to upset me. Give it a fucking right old go. I do it every day. Just by existing. Anyway, right. So speaking of fucking cunts,

obviously we don't have any sponsors on this podcast because, I mean, you've listened to the podcast. It's very easy to work out why we don't. And one of the other reasons is because we're not sellouts. Read that as have never been offered to have sponsors. But I've decided to go for the opposite, right? This is a new section I'm going to call badvertising which is I'm just going to fucking shit on your

company until you pay me to stop what's up Czech Airlines you motherfuckers you are the, somehow somehow Czech Air you have become worse than fucking Ryanair and EasyJet and also Ryanair and EasyJet you can pay me to stop I'll sell the fuck out.

You are a piece of shit company, Chequered. We've flown with you three times this goddamn trip, and all three of those times, you have fucked the fuck up massively. First one was, was the worst worker in the world we ever met in Bucharest. We didn't get to Chequered all the way through because you refused to let us Chequered all the way through because you're a bunch of lazy fucking cunts.

So we got the, they said, hey, your bag's going to go all the way through because you're a bunch of lazy fucking cunts so we got there we got the they said hey your bag's gonna go all the way through to all right but not you destination x but but but you need to get your other boarding pass at the at the fire at the yeah at the layover was it book arrest it was book arrest and we were like fuck it fine that's fine so we had we've got an hour and a half right which is enough time it lands on time which we found out like in the last few flights we've had with them that's a fucking

oddity an absolute anomaly amongst check here go fuck yourselves so we arrive on time an hour and a half to go we go to the desk

where there's only three people in the queue yep and it's over an hour yeah there was two staff members one one staff member

a man looked to everyone in that queue and went fuck me me, I fancy a coffee. Those are seven people who are clearly very stressed waiting for their fucking next flight. I'm going to piss off and get a coffee because I'm the laziest man in fucking existence. And I'm going to leave it to, who can I only describe, as the rudest cow in the world. She typed sarcastically. Like it was one finger

at a fucking time level of just and that wasn't and they're glaring at everybody as well like not even so there was a point

after an hour where they'd been dealing with the same customer she'd been there was two of them dealing with the same customer

the same couple right and then one of them left and left it just to her to deal with and there was a point where I had to step forward and say

have you guys missed your flight because if you have then you've missed it already like everybody else in this queue is waiting for a flight so can we and again

and I fully sympathise with you they were like please please pass through I don't want to cause anybody else problems

I've already got my own they were decent whereas like other people might have went nah fuck it fuck your flight they were decent whereas like other people might have went nah fuck it fuck it they were decent but she insisted

on sorting them first and then proceeded to take fucking ages I mean we've all checked in a million times you know how easy

it is to check in why was it taking 10 minutes a person to check in without bag without luggage just a boarding pass and before anyone

why don't you check in online oh trust me we try to check in does not allow you to check in online which is why makes me question why is it called

check air oh it's worth it for that joke with all the shit we've been through the reason you couldn't check in online is because

it would check your bag to set singles you can only check in as singles if you need to go all the way through beside the point so that was the first time.

That's the only time we've ever actually taken complaint procedures against an individual. Yeah, because normally I understand. In fact, you know what? I don't understand what it's like to work at an airline and have fucking cunts like us come through every day stressed constantly and blaming stuff that's not your fault on you. That's the thing I always have to remind myself in airports. I'm not angry at the individual there. It's never that person's fault that flight was delayed. It's never that person's fault I was late.

That person's just there at the shitty end of the stage. But you don't need to be at the reception and stuff, Monsters, Inc. Aye, yeah, or that fucking... Spoiler alert, she's the boss of Czech Air. Yeah, or the fucking DVLA bitch from Zootopia, the fucking sloth that types in everything as slow as fucking possible. I mean, these characters of Monsters, Inc. and from Zootopia the fucking sloth that types in everything as slow as fucking possible I mean these characters of Monsters Inc

and of Zootopia are based on real people who work for Chequere that's why they're funny that's why they're funny when you watch them because you're like oh these cunts exist

and then we just had the pleasure of meeting one and so that was strike one against Chequere strike two against Chequere was our first

interaction today. The one woman today was actually very good at her job. She just went, yeah, straight through. And we even complimented her. We were like, fucking hell. We're like, shit, do we need to put a praise letter in for her?

Yeah, to counteract our complaint to the other one. That thing is where you're like, oh, you can't get excited about good reviews unless you get upset about bad ones like if you've got to give them each

equal and opposite value if we explicitly tried to get one woman fired which we absolutely didn't we're still working on it because she's not

good at her job I will make sure we send an email just being like her there was great our flight was delayed by 10 minutes. And normally when you get on a flight, 10 minutes is fuck all.

It's absolutely fuck all. Delayed by 10 minutes. Normally the pilot always comes on, and maybe this is just a British Airways thing, but they'll just come over and be like, hey, sorry we boarded late. But guess what? This is a fucking airplane.

We'll just make up the time in the sky. We'll just go higher where there's less air resistance and speed the fuck up because I'll be honest with you lads I don't know how fast this thing goes but this flight

lost 20 minutes in the air like I think how did you encounter traffic in the fucking sky I think it stopped for petrol the coffee machine's

not working for the petrol station and it was one of those ones where so you land you land late and the sign of an immaculate fucking airplane,

airliner, is when you get off the plane and there's a bus there and you go, oh good, oh good, it's this type of airline. And you,

you don't have the jurisdiction to park close to the airport so you've hired a fucking bus to do it. And also nobody's there with stairs yet. Yeah, just.

They're like, oh, the Czech Air guys are here, they don't even pay for stairs. So we go down there and the bus is too fucking slow. There's one guy who's like, oh, you've not brought my luggage out.

And everyone, even the check-in people are going, you've left it on the plane. And he's like, no, I haven't. And they're like, and sure enough, this dumbass cunt goes up and sure enough, it's on the fucking plane. We go there, we sprint round, we finally fucking make the flight. Now, originally,

I would have thought it was entirely reasonable for that level of turnaround, for our luggage to go missing. Until that fucking flight that we got with Baltic Air from Ljubljana to wherever we went next,

where we arrived at 7.13 for a 7.20 flight and made it, there was a layover in Prague. It can't be done. And our luggage, I remember the... They said it can't be done. And our luggage, I remember... They said it can't be done.

They... It got through and that was a fucking same level of layover. Seven fucking minutes, if not less, got the luggage. Check air. It was the same airline. All they had to do was go, hey, we arrived late. I can see your plane from where we landed

because we're about to make these cunts get on the exact same fucking bus to the exact same area. Instead of bringing it back to the terminal, we'll just wheel it 70 feet across the fucking road to the other only airplane that we own because we are the shittest airline in existence. But no, no, that would take

any form of, not even ingenuity. So long story short, I'm sat here in a pair of trotty pants that I'm expecting to perform my gig in because my luggage didn't arrive. And I'm now in a white Annie Donner t-shirt, which I now realise is not my Annie Donner t-shirt, it's Jean's Annie Donner t-shirt.

That's definitely a lady's t-shirt. Yeah, it's real tight and it's not roomy in the breasts, so it must be Jean's. It's really tight in here. yeah so we're gonna have to go do a shop first things first we do a podcast yeah do a podcast we're gonna have to do a shop and then one of them because we don't trust Czech Airlines because why would you considering they're the worst airline in the world outside of Norwegian Air also fuck you for a different time um but yeah so we have to stay in this apartment I'm gonna have to stay in this apartment you're gonna to have to stay in this apartment you're going to have

to sound check you're going to have to bring yourself on and then run back to the apartment and then I'm going to have to run to the gig

and do the gig so that someone is always in this apartment oh god the joys of being on tour so fucking rock and roll however I got chatted up before because I went to get us

a glass of water and I ran the cold I mean he's got a real real low threshold for joy it just comes out the taps

it's a miracle man this is even worse than that I was running the cold tap for ages when it was hot it was running too hot and I

oh mate I think you just opened the door to the fucking whole city. Yeah. You're just going to have to be warm. Oh yeah,

put the fan on. It's a podcast, man. You'll hear everything. Sorry about that. Admin. Yeah, I ran the hot tap, the cold tap,

and it just kept running hot. And I was like, is this going to run too cold? I was there for a little while before I realised, ah, the fucking cold taps are plumbing to the hot one.

And the one with hot written on gives you the cold water I mean it is and I love shit like that why? just because it just it fucks with like

everyday norms that people are used to it's like people have got their systems their routines their like things and you think like a hot tap runs hot

and a cold tap runs cold and when something like that just snaps you out of your day to day expectations and bewilders you man you just go

play through the history of your head when that was getting installed and some guy installed it wrong and the next guy came in and went you fucked that up

and the other guy just went yeah and then the first guy went alright cool let's sign this off so do you know

about the bathroom door in my flat that Gav's living in do you know about the bathroom door in my flat that Gav's living in right now? Oh, yeah, the trap door. So, yeah. So, the Gav said, oh, I bought... He goes, I bought the wrong door handle

because it opens up instead of down. And I was like, there's no such thing as the wrong one. You put them all opposite sides, depending on which side of the door it is. Right. There's no such thing as a wrong side of door handle. No. If you've got the wrong one, you put them on opposite sides depending on which side of the door it is there's no such thing as a wrong side of the door handle

if you've got the wrong hinge you just fucking turn the hinge upside down, yeah yeah, you reverse the two you just reverse them so yeah, he thought he did it wrong, put it on and left it that way so you have to turn the lock towards it to unlock it and away from

it to lock it and you have to pull the door handle up now these are two basic things right but nobody gets it right like I've seen John Fothergill locked in that bathroom

for fucking ages we had music blasting in the thing and he's apparently hammering on the door and shouting to get out and he eventually fucking text one of them

Kerry Marks is being stuck in there fucking Natalie was in there for fucking ages I could hear her shouting she was like I know how the door handle works

why is there a sofa against the other side because you're being a bitch which type of bitch am I being a bitch or am I being a bitch yeah that bitch argument is very interesting

I mean I'm not going to it's one of those stupid little things where I remember getting a message a tweet about this during the fucking fringe right

now my show this year for those of you that might not know I cover sexual assault and it's take that as a

trigger warning if you will if it puts you off the show but obviously I don't want to be I'm not putting my neck out by saying

I'm anti-sexual assault I'm not putting my neck out by saying I'm I'm anti-sexual assault I'm very openly anti-sexual assault so I'm doing this whole show about you know you know one of them Preach to the Choir shows

yeah kind of well it's not Preach to the Choir yeah it's an important message I've seen it I'm not going to yes but it's you know

it's the fucking men that need to hear it it's the male perspective it's the male perspective about being around men yeah being around men yes right so that's the whole bit so I to hear it. It's the male perspective. It's the male perspective. About being around men. Yeah, being around men. Yes,

right? So that's the whole bit. So I'm really trying my fucking hardest there to make sure that, you know, I'm getting the right angle, that I'm not accidentally offending people.

And this fucking bitch, she goes on Twitter, she was like, thanks for your kind words, but maybe next time you should look into how offensive the word bitch is to women.

And I'm like, oh my fucking god like did you she discounted the whole show yeah you steeped that word in irony when you used it the whole point that i have a line in my show where i go uh when i'm doing this bit about empowering women and i go look listen ladies women bitches the reason that is funny is because that is the worst thing to say at that moment. I'm doing this entire thing where I'm like, look how sensitive and woke I am. And I'm now going to say the least woke thing about it. And this dumb bitch. And the women laugh because they know you're being self-aware and mocking yourself and mocking men. And it's a joke within a serious bit.

It's the use of the fucking language. And just, it's the use of the fucking language and just it's the small bits that people get upset by no sense now it happened again

I saw somebody fucking meaned part of the jigsaw show right just one of the routines I do

it was they took empowerment from it they liked the you know the message in one of the fucking routines

so this woman she retweeted being like this really affected me this is really beautiful about how you have to learn to love yourself and then one of the fucking routines. So this woman, she retweeted being like, this really affected me, this is really beautiful about how you have to learn to love yourself, Shay. And then one of the comments underneath it was some girl went, I watched the first five minutes of the Dark Special and he did a bunch of fat shaming jokes.

And then the woman was like, oh, okay, I'm never going to watch him again. And I'm like, five minutes. Five minutes of material. Five minutes of old material that I've openly admitted is outdated. You'll never listen to me ever again. This is the world we live in now. You and I do not agree on everything at all.

Do you have any friends at all who you agree with on everything? Nah. Right? It doesn't happen. Just Natalie because she's always right. Right. There's no one in the world

that any of us disagree with, agree with 100 fucking percent. Now, when I disagree with you on something you and I will go into a discussion we'll put forward our arguments and sometimes we can

convert the other to our way of thinking and other times you can and you just go alright we just think different things on this I'm not going to cut you out of my life

for it unless it's like a huge thing as well my friends are a bit more invested like you've cut people out for like the fucking tiniest little misdemeanor

as strange as I fucking would press the button and kill them if you could a hundred percent i would a hundred percent yeah yeah somebody's just doing that with you somebody's seen you do one thing and went ah fuck that cunt oh no no yeah but but with strangers i'm not gonna i'm not likely to see any of their fucking work again like i don't agree with everything that sam harris says i don't agree with everything like fucking richard dawkins is a man whose philosophy I agree with fully, but I don't like him as a person. Yeah, his attitude. His attitude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'll still occasionally read things. But Piers Morgan is a man who I have no respect for whatsoever. But occasionally I'll still read his articles just to go, you know what? Fuck it. It's nice to hear the other side every now and again. Like it's because that's how you challenge your own perspectives and not to necessarily change your own perspectives,

but so you can come up with rebuttals for future arguments. You listen to somebody else argue against you, so for future arguments, you know how to counteract that fucking argument, as opposed to just going, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, you disagree with me, fuck you forever, shite. You're blocking people and fucking trying to like narrow down your social media view of just people who say what you say.

I'm having a call of everyone who is pro-Brexit. Now, I openly don't like Brexit. I think it was a fucking terrible decision. I am not for it, but I have friends who are pro-Brexit. Who you want to hear out I don't and I disagree with I disagree but I'll listen to their

fucking arguments and I'm just the whole time I'm like I have friends this is a small example I think if you and this was going to be my muggle corner

we're not doing but fuck it I'll throw it in anyway because we've done enough muggle corners I think people who believe in star signs are the dumbest

cunts in existence the dumbest cunts in existence the dumbest cunts in existence yeah maybe Natalie isn't always right right she's not she does like to read the horoscopes if you believe in any form of astrology which has been consistently kind of right star signs have changed

since who's writing them since the stars in Aries and all the Taurus is that Russell Grant cut looking at the stars yeah is he actually is he actually fucking looking at the moon and the stars Aries and all the Taurus they have Russell Grant looking at the stars yeah is he actually

is he actually fucking looking at the moon and the stars and then fucking telling me how I'm going to live my day but these star signs were invented by I don't know the full on

fucking history fucking Mystic Meg she pops them out and that was it and the sun just here you go here's your lucky number today what the fuck are you talking about

you psycho how can a number be lucky anyway I've got a Scorpio you know, I'm fiery. The star signs have changed. I don't know what I'm saying. Our universe is constantly expanding, right? The stars are constantly moving away from each other and changing

from the centre of the explosion to the universe, right? In those 6,000 years, the stars that you see as a star sign have travelled billions of light years in that time. They are not the same as they were, right? And they are only star signs from our one perspective. To believe in star signs is to literally think

you are the centre of the universe. That is literally the be-all and end-all of it. You're a flat earther. You're a flat earther. You sit there and you go, that looks like a moon. That looks like a bull just from here. Nowhere else from the other 360 degrees.

When you find out we're all in a simulation and that's just something that they put into the programming. So anyway, I think people who believe in star signs, if you believe in tarot cards, if you believe any of this fucking voodoo shit, I instantly lose respect for most of your future opinions. That being said, I disagree with you and you do damage the world

and I can explain how you damage the world and you damage science but I'm still gonna I've got a lot of friends Natalie believes in star science I'm not gonna cut her out of my fucking life

I'm not gonna be like la la la I'm never listening to any future opinion you have on anything it's just a very stupid way to live your life I find it's fucking nonsense

it's absolutely it's absolutely transparent very stupid way to live your life i find it's fucking nonsense it's absolutely absolutely transparent nonsense and people i guarantee people will have because i had this little rant on instagram a while people instantly come and be like oh my god it's you're a taurus aren't you and i go first of all no i'm not i'm a virgo and second of all you also could have just googled that you lazy cunt that's what mystic meg does like it's very easy to find out when my birthday also i'm none of those because i don't subscribe to it no you can't say i'm a fucking anything because it's not a thing i'm an optimist prime because like you can point out fucking taurus or gemini and be like that looks like two crabs no it doesn't i'm gonna

point out another collection of stars and be like that looks like a big dick that's mine my star sign is big dick that's where i get all my big dick energy from right and that moon's the butthole oh my god it's getting closer Uranus joke there was something

I bookmarked in my head to go back to earlier fuck star signs it was way before star signs it was in the middle fuck it

it's gone it's gone I just there's a lull in conversation it must be quarter past the hour no and it's not I do I do this thing

I don't even think I got it from me right I think I've seen it before it's my least favourite bit of the world but every time there's a lull in conversation in a green room

just in a social situation in a gathering in a party if there's a dip where the conversation draws to a natural conclusion and it doesn't

pick straight back up you know what a lull is I'll always go like without looking at my watch I'll go you know what's nuts every time there's

a lull in conversation it's always always a quarter past a quarter to the hour and then everybody instantly checks their watch and the majority of the time it's fucking not

of course it's not statistically the majority of the time it's never right it's only it's only one in 30 is it ever correct but occasionally one in 30 it's right yeah occasionally it's right and everybody's like and then those fucking idiots go around believing that's true and they pass that knowledge on as their own and that's exactly what astrology fucking is. And they get it. They get it for the first time every time. You get it for the fucking hundredth time, two hundredth time. And I will also point out that that's an incredibly muggly thing to do is whenever there's a lull in conversation. Now the joke is that, the joke is when I do it to you now. Like you're the, you're what the joke is. The joke isn't that anymore. No, no.

Because I don't do it anymore when you're not there. But you just do it to perpetuate, but again, I just perpetuate stupidity and the other people that can't handle lulls in conversation, right? It's the reason you and I work so well on tours together, I've always said, is because you and me can happily sit in each other's company.

I've been basking in that lull for days. Yeah, just not saying anything to each other. I find this a little bit if you're in a conversation with someone or in a group fucking setting and then

everything draws to a natural close moguls would be like oh well I guess that's it and you're like why? Why did you have

to ruin that moment where we all had an interesting debate an interesting discussion we were all processing what was just happened

and maybe what happens is sometimes you're sitting there and you're going, I wonder if I've got anything else to add to this discussion. Or now that I'm thinking about it more, do I have a... You know, you don't have rebuttals instantly. You could just be letting the cogs turn on what you've just processed, like the opinion

you've just received. You sit there and you absorb it. And you go, okay. And someone goes, goes oh this is awkward no shut up you I was just thinking about what yeah

that Pete Holmes line is fucking amazing this party is McDonald's says wait wait for a little conversation

then go this party is McDonald's and then what is it you give it three dry swallows and then go I'm loving it

that's yeah and while we're doing that we should plug Pete Holmes he's one of the best he's absolutely Pete Holmes

I heard on audio I think it was on Spotify way before I'd seen him it's kind of strange when you listen to someone before you know what they look like

that's probably happening to a lot of people right now probably me because I've seen you on Netflix that's what's hilarious about Elliot Steele when Elliot me because I've seen you on Netflix that's what's hilarious about Elliot Steele

when Elliot's on the podcast people honestly think that he's a 14 year old black girl that was a Barry Lane one of my you talk like a

14 year old black girl but somebody actually did get in touch with us to say that they couldn't believe when they saw Elliot Sloss

because they thought Elliot Sloss Elliot Sloss fucking this was this arranged marriage you're just really pleased he took your name is that on your

fucking vision board is it he took your name using that fucking NLP shit that's also bollocks and pseudoscience that's Elliot Sloss

oh he did that's amazing he's into money now I've sent a prenup he's married into money still not don't say it still not Mae'n dda iawn. Mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi ddweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi dweud mai mae'n rhaid i mi You know we were doing there which gig was it the best the best they had professed aware Sony We were doing it at Adelaide and then I went on to do it at Melbourne. Yes, Tom stayed and called on a beer And well, there's an American version of it called headliners. Yeah, and it was Pete Holmes Eddie Pepitone and Michael Shea fucking hell What a fucking later man. She is in 2014. That's insane, right?

So this is just like a regular gig sized gig like I'm going to say like 150 maybe 200 seater so we went in to see that just because it was our our venue well no it wasn't our venue

it was our like what America's version of America's version of what we were doing so I went to have a look at that and fucking

like Pino's was just fucking he's such a fucking funny and also his show Crashing which is on HBO is actually a very very it's one of those you know how

as most comedians so has he got a new special he's not got a new special he's got a TV show that's directed by Judd Apatow hey this is a recommendation

and if it's still on there it's on Spotify it's Nice Try The Devil Nice Try The Devil by Pete Holmes that is one of my favourite specials of all times

you know why because it's just fun. It's just silly. It's just silly and fun and happy and just jokes for the sake of jokes

and it's like in a world where everything's like a message. Yeah, in a world where it's my comedy of here's angry

and opinions you already agree with. Yeah, and it's just like it's a bit of an antidote to that no are you saying

I'm a disease and poison you use antidotes on poison here's a little interesting tip for the podcast listeners

that's how I found out the difference between poisonous and venomous poisonous when you ingest it and venomous is when you're bitten? Yeah, poisonous is if you bite it, you die. And venomous is if it bites you, you die.

So why am I saying this? Is there things that are venomous that are not poisonous? Let's say I want to eat a fucking snake, a venomous snake. Let's say there's a cobra or some shit that bit my mum, right? And I found that thing and I'm like,

right, tit for tat, cunt, I'm eating your kids, right? I'm eating your mum. I find that, am I able to eat

that cobra? Obviously, I don't even fucking know. Because there'll be things that are poisonous but not venomous because obviously you're not getting bitten

by a fucking berry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But is there anything that's venomous that's not poisonous?

Like, surely all the poisonous surely all the venomous bits of the snakes are just in their fucking little poisonous their venom plants yeah that means the snake

is not poisonous because you're not going to eat its teeth yeah yeah but it would have like poison sacs that you could eat yeah yeah

just in the head so if I caught it because I'm you could probably like get sustenance off it without being poisoned alright would you eat a snake

em yeah I mean if I trust like if if I'm in that culture where people are dating it Aye I don't think

there's many animals I wouldn't eat one I wouldn't eat them regularly I wouldn't like I would I've tried kangaroo I've tried zebra

I've tried just in fucking jerky forms but I brought them back from South Africa Don't you hear a terrible joke? Go for it What's the difference between a kangaroo

and a kangaroo? I don't know A kangaroo is a marsupial from difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroo? I know. A kangaroo is a marsupial from Australia. A kangaroo is a jolly stuck in a lift. Awful. Why are you laughing? Well, because you were laughing. I was laughing at you laughing at your own shit joke.

Do not transfer any of that joy to the joke. That joke is all this time. But I would never eat... Well, there's always lift. I would never eat, like, fucking zebra to the point where I created supply and demand. I would just... I'll try it if it's there.

Like, at the same time, when we were in Iceland, we ate whale. I would never eat whale on a record. I had horse, and then I had this, like, kind of... This, like, initial ickiness that's come from social conditioning

where it felt like eating dog or like eating like a domesticated animal right I felt like I was about to commit a bit of a fucking

sin to eat horse but then I felt like what do we think about gods that you can just pick and choose what animals are okay to eat

and which ones are sinful to eat like if you're carnivorous then surely there's a bit where you're just going well I'm not

going to start putting animals on a value chain I guess the only way you would do that is if there wasn't surplus if there was

extinct I think I've genuinely I want I want pigs one day right for two reasons

one micro pigs are fucking adorable but I'm also I don't know if micro pigs actually exist or whether it's just one of those fucking internet cons where it's like because if micro pigs exist why don't fucking like because you're just keeping that pig that

size forever it's always a fucking piglet so how come you can't do that to puppies right it's my first point i think micro pigs are just piglets and you've seen so many stories of people that got what they thought was a micro pig and it grew into a full fucking size pig. Big sow. Alright. I've got no problem with that because pigs are as intelligent

as dogs, right? They fucking love being stroked. They love being pet. They've got all the fucking personalities, right? And how good would it be if you had a fucking pet dog and when it died

you got sausages? Get your head around it but I would I would have people this isn't vegans obviously you wouldn't do that

I absolutely I guess farmers do that all the time I bet farmers get attached to their stock obviously you find obviously you find out what killed the pig

like if it died of some fucking horrible mad pig disease or fucking whatever swine flu is that foot and mouth no that's cows I think no that was mad cow disease

is that what foot and mouth is oh who knows swine flu swine flu alright if it died of swine flu, that's cows, I think. No, that was mad cow disease. Is that what foot and mouth is? Oh, who knows? Swine flu. Swine flu, aye. If my daddy's swine flu and that's going to affect me or my kid's health, absolutely not.

But I think if I have, like, if I've got a place in the future, because I want to, not fucking retire, but when I move out of Edinburgh, I want to move to a place where I've got no neighbours, I don't want anyone

ever talking to me. If it's the fat of the land. Not the fat of the land. I'll still fucking go. You've been playing too much Stardew Valley. I have, I've had it. You just want to make it a life. No, no, I don't it's the fat of the land not the fat of the land I'll still fucking go you've been playing too much Stardew Valley I have I you just want to make it a life

no no I don't want to do any of the fucking gardening shit right if I've got a big enough garden right where I can have a fucking pet pig

right because you can train pigs so they're the only shit outside and stuff right and they're surprisingly clean animals I've done my research

right if I can have a fucking pet pig that whenever I shout his fucking name it runs over to me and it's like what's up dad i'm like fuck yeah this is great and then it dies i'm eating the fuck out of that pig because also that's an important lesson to teach to my kids right so that they know when i die they can eat me

is the rule is it a rule or is it like a an actual dietary thing that you're not meant to eat animals that eat meat? Is that bad for you? Is that why you don't eat cats and dogs? I don't know. I don't see... And carnivorous animals. Like every animal that eats... I just think the only reason we didn't do it is because they were too much of a fucking struggle when we were fucking...

You're both trying to eat each other for a bit and you're going, right, truce. Let's just go eat these cunts all day these lazy things just chewing on cunts I think that's exactly like I think what happened with like with pigs right we just went over to pigs

and we're like what are you eating there and they're like oh we're just snuffling for truffles and we're like look I'll make you a fucking deal right

I'll put a bunch of fucking truffles over there and I'll look after you and all this sort of stuff and then at the end I'll eat you and the pig was like what and we went I've I'll eat you." And the pig was like,

What? And we went, I've just built you a house. And the pig was like, What was the second bit you said though? And you're like, Nothing. Now I didn't say,

I've built you and your bunch of pig mates a house over there. Right, you just go over and live there. Rent free. Absolutely rent free. What's the catch? There's no catch. I'm going to kill you and eat your kids. What?

Nothing. Why are you being weird? I'm not going to milk you. Yeah, look. Look what we're going to milk you. Yeah, look. Look what we're doing to the cows. That's fine. We've heard you eat them afterwards. Us.

Fake news. Slandering lies. Anyway. We don't milk you. You keep coming back to that. You're going to start getting a little bit like, what's wrong with our milk? What are you trying to say?

So wait, right. You'll eat cow milk, but not our milk. What's wrong? Is it because my titties are gross? I'll be honest with you, Piggy. It is because your titties are gross. You've got, look, cow titties are, I can see why they're appealing, right? Your titties, they're like dog titties, right?

Why are they so close to your skin? I can unsexualise a fucking cow titty. You've got long, uddery bits. That's absolutely fine. Yours is no different to being breastfed by a man there's not enough

distance between your chest and nipple for me to be comfortable I'm going to milk a peck I'm absolutely not doing that at all cows they know what's up

they've kept it there's a separate it's a different it's more udder because it's udder to their body it's underneath but look the cows udder because it's udder to the body it's underneath but look

the cows have got it right what they've done is they're like hey look I'm black and white where did you get the milk from not the black and white bit that's gross

I've made it all pink for you this is an entirely separate bit you you sick pig fuck you're the same colour as your tit those are man nipples and I'm not sucking

man nipples I'm not doing it so why don't you milk the sheep then oh fuck man I haven't figured that one out yet you've got to shave them first and then somehow more of them

I'm not shaving they need titties I'm going to shave you guys when I make bacon what is this bacon why are you asking these questions I've built your house

young grateful swine babe the talking pig 3 got really weird have you seen the second one I haven't Babe Pig in the City I haven't seen that one have you not

well you know I haven't seen it enough to comment I haven't seen it recently enough to comment on oh that reminds me your mum's coming to New York

aye she is she's a babe she's a babe I meant the babe but not pig you see how that would have sounded like an insult

but aye so I recommend most of the animals that we fucking domesticated it was like because cows were never aggressive, right? Cows were never aggressive, pigs were never aggressive, chickens were never aggressive. Except for back when they were dinosaurs. Were you saying pigs weren't aggressive? Bores.

Are they not what the... one, killed Robert Baratheon? Oh, true. Two, that's what they used to feed Mason Vegardoo in Hannibal. But that's when you chopped him up, though. No, they had feed first, wasn't it? I was chopping him up. No, I think they chopped him up. I can't remember. I read the book.

I think pigs don't fucking eat anything. But I reckon all the ones we tried to do to Mascate were stuff that we didn't have any problems with, which is really treacherous. We're like, hey, you look placid as fuck. And they were like, we are. We're like, you want to come be placid over here? And then we murdered them all. I think to come be placid over here and then we you know murdered them all whereas I think I'd be scared of pigs

would you? like you'd have a pig wagging through that door right now like I wouldn't be like oh it's a boy I'd be like get a fucking pig

man go to farm pigs are the fucking funnest animals in the world they just fucking run around they properly jump they're excited to see you they're great and they don't oink

the grunt don don't they? Aye. It's not like, oink, oink. No. Well, none of the... What are the first things? Cows don't actually say moo. Kind of.

They make an onomatopoeic moo noise. Okay, horses don't neigh. They're not in court. Are we actually going through the first things you say to babies? Aye. Just if you want to know the intellectual depth of this podcast. Anyway. Next podcast, you learn the xylophone. The second thing in life that you learn that you need.

Speaking of cars, we've got a letter from one of the listeners in. What, you're giving me this to unlock? Yeah, please. I mean, I'm a contact lens as well. There we are. Is that the one? Yeah. This is less relationship advice, more friendship advice.

Well, no, but that's a relationship. It's a relationship, yeah. Because one of the other lovely little Y products. I like this. I like that the listener questions don't have to be relationship-based questions. Yeah. They can be anything that may be noteworthy. Yeah, and we always give it the caveat

of please do not take any of this advice seriously we are fucking idiots but also this is the other one of the little

things from Jigsaw what's been happening is that people are sort of saying that it's not just

helping them get out of toxic relationships with significant others it's helping them cut out toxic friends in their life

because I guess those are all relationships so I think this still falls under maybe it's different but really first off

I need you to know that I'm aware this is the dumbest thing to need advice on because who cares on who cares on the same notes

help me please oh god this is badly spelled I've got a huge am I being a bitch or is this fine situation that I needed outside eyes on FYI

bitches sex this I can't read the rest of this. You've said one thing that offended me so I'm never going to listen to you again. That's all of you, that is. So is this a female writing this? Is she being a bitch as in being like

cantankerous and angry? Or is it a bloke writing this and you're saying he's being a bitch because he's being white? I think she's asking if she's being like a bitch. So you need some background for this. My best friend and I

had been best friends for years and years and we had one of those relationships where we could not talk for ages and see each other and be back to normal in two seconds flat

always the best type of relationships my favourite type you know those ones you don't see someone for a while and it's just straight back to normal

none of this fucking majority pals I live in London I'm on the road all the time I went to a wedding this weekend and fuck me it was the same as

when we were in the football dressing room every Sunday there's none of those quarter to or quarter past moments in the conversation. Just straight back to it. Never had any weird moments after not seeing each other for a bit.

And we both had been finishing uni crying and drinking lots. We've been busy people and both cool with each other that we didn't get to see each other all the time. So about three months ago, I sent off a message to her about some random inside joke that came up and I had to remind her because of friendship, obviously. She never answered it and I didn't think anything of it. Fine.

Flash forward another month and I sent another message to see if she wanted to catch up soon. She didn't answer. That was fine. I didn't think anything of it. Wait a bit and then send another message saying if she's free again. She once again didn't answer. But now I've had enough and sent a message along the lines of, okay, what have I done to piss you off? Why are you straight up ignoring me?

She sends back, oh, nothing, mate. We just haven't talked to each other. Ah, so she was getting the messages. Yeah, yeah. My first thought there is maybe she's not getting the messages, but then you can't then go Facebook or something else

because then you're like just coming at them from fucking every conceivable angle. Also, I'm going to assume this is on WhatsApp where fucking two blue ticks... Give them a chance to mug it up. Yeah, aye.

She sends back, oh, nothing, mate. We just haven't talked to each other in so long parenthesis you also need to know that mate can be super fucking

passive aggressive in Australia and I know this friend so well that willing to bet my brother's life that she was being shady as shit

so you know that I don't know if that's Australia specific like if I got like an abrupt message I'd have thrown away pals

after like after I'd been trying to hook up with them for a while and like this is the thing like she I just want to make note she doesn't look psycho in any

way by doing multiple texts because that's a fucking pal that's your friend yeah there's no such thing as double

texting a mate that's not like a random hook up that's just trying to like fucking get a bite off you know like you've got to

you've got to play the line a little bit there like if you have any mates that make you feel needy then don't fuck that I've

left about 72 missed calls before um uh then I've then answered I wanted some pizza advice yeah then

then answered with the obvious yeah that's why I'm messaging you so we can catch up you guessed it guys she never answered so now I'm feeling like an idiot and a fool

for sending off messages like some dumped girlfriend very funny but I'm also real pissed off at her because I'm better and nicer than that and fuck her do I have a right to be pissed off

or am I being a bit of a bitchy cunt you go first could this be the right they've just finished uni right yeah

mid 20s I would assume so early to mid-20s yeah could this mate be one of those mates who and they do exist where they meet a guy or meet a girl in that life just becomes zero like zeroed in focus on that one person you know when you can just like you know when people do that cliched like like, holding a funeral for their friend because they met someone. Like, that becomes, like, such a, like, a sexist cliché. And it's not on the girl's behalf that the funeral's being held for that dude, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the guy. It's the guy. It's that type of guy that acts like that when they meet someone. And, yes, this is not a gender-specific thing. Obviously. It can happen to a guy or a girl. Maybe she's one of them girls where she's met a dude and her life's just on him, which is a fucking dangerous way to live your life because...

Because one day she will get her heart broken and come crawling back and then you've got to be the bigger person. And you will be. You'll be there for her. Because you're better than her. Yeah, you will be there for her. And it's going to suck

that you have to pick up the pieces even though you were dropped like a bad smell. And it might be that. This is my instant thought. It's like, ah, your friend's one of them people. Yeah. Or maybe... Yeah, I hadn't be that. This is my instant thought. It's like, ah, your friend's one of them people. Yeah. Or maybe, yeah, I hadn't considered that. Or maybe you have done something.

Um, well, I mean, like... She seems self-aware. Even if she has done... She seems baffled at what it is. And I may at least go, fucking, look, you've asked what you've done. But that's the bit, right? So even if she has done something even if our listener

has done something this is my stance across the board to every friend and relationship I've ever fucking been in if I ask you if things are fine

and you say yes that's how I'm going to act I trust you right I'm going to trust you I'm not going to read into your fucking shit if I say is everything okay

and you go yes business as usual even if I can tell going to read into your fucking shit if I say is everything okay and you go yes business as usual even if I can tell that it's not you've fucking said it how are you fine cool alright

sweet I'm going to keep on acting as normal then until you explain what is actually wrong because you're at this point being the fucking immature little one

and that's just a strange situation because you do value that friendship and you want that friendship but if someone's freezing you out yeah like you can't then then pursue it much further

even though you say you kind of double text a friend when you get to that point where she's got to you've given her the opportunity to explain if you've done something wrong she hasn't taken up on that so now ball is well and truly in her court a friend maybe suffering from mental health issues

that's the other one I was thinking of because the other danger here is cutting her out she might have depression or anxiety or something might have happened and you know

this is why you cannot take any of her advice fucking seriously because if you're like just cut her out you can't cut people yeah she may not be able

to get out of bed in the morning this girl she might be fucking like yeah have you done something energy levels might be

fucked she might have a real lack of self might be fucked like she might think like she might have a real lack of self worth at the minute and I mean like I guess the right thing to do for that person

would be to answer them texts and take that you're reaching out to them but they might they might not be able

to process that I don't know maybe the phrase that we've got with depression whenever I know they're going through a bad spell

the one thing I always text them is pretty much along the lines of the following which is I am not going to pretend to know what you're going through because I categorically

do not know what you're going through at all I don't have depression or anxiety have you tried having a banana yeah potassium cheers you right up right

just go for a walk go to the gym wake up hope you've got a healthy mind which is actually fucking not bad advice but it's not going to

fix the problem yeah I would just maybe send her something along the lines of being like I'm not going to pretend to know you're going through

I hope you're okay if you want to talk to me I'm always here it doesn't have to be about what's going on but you know I love and care for you I'm here

and then that works for me in both situations if she is suffering from any form of mental illness then you've put a branch there going you know I'm here if you want to talk about fucking anything even if it's not the thing that's going on if you just want to talk about shit I'm here for you I'm still your friend but on the other side of things you've just gone I'm reaching out I'm doing everything here and now her not reaching back is 100% on her so the ending of the friendship

although sad is 100% no longer your fault and the fault also lies here with the way we communicate now fucking text messages so you're going to internalize them and read the way a fucking emoji is or didn't put a kiss on the end

just if there's ever any doubt in your mind just fucking bell them just give them a ring the depression one is there's ever any doubt in your mind just fucking bell them all right just give them a ring all right like i didn't yeah the depression one is that's that's always a danger it's like you never know if somebody's just being a cunt or whether they're going through a very hard time and their mental illness is making them act in ways and it may not even be that they're in like a really lovely dovey something relationship there may be an abusive relationship oh yeah there could be anything going on behind that like and i can see why this is frustrating the fuck out of out of the girl that's wrote the thing um yeah there's a number of things it could be it's so vague i hope you've

if you've got any resolve on this because i mean i think you sent that message as well everybody that sent the messages thank you so much we're like we've got quite a full inbox and we opened the odd one yeah yeah let's do that one so it's pretty much lucky dip at the minute but

and also we are not relationship advice people and I think it'll be nice if we could like just go through the messages and the ones that we don't read out we'll pop a little reply on so thank you to everyone

for them yeah if you want to get in contact mugginsandcream at gmail.com yep and to the person who wrote that message, please follow up. Yes.

If there's any closure or any further movement, I think... Yeah, keep us all updated. We normally would plug two dates at this point, but we are pretty much sold out for the rest of the European run. The only dates I think that are... So shout out to the people who are coming to next. We're on our way to you. Yeah, so we are on our way to Paris,

which is... I don't know what to expect, because last time we did Paris was... It was a lot of weird expats. Yeah, I did not enjoy it. We usually like to come to places that are largely native to that country, locals. Yeah.

With all the expat through in here and there. Yes. It's nice, right? But when it's dominant expats, it's always a weird vibe. Yeah, because those are always the fucking shite cunts that couldn't get on with people in Britain, so they moved to another place to complain about fucking immigrants. So Paris is one that I think it's not predominantly locals,

which I'm very... Because I... Well, I haven't been since 2014. I haven't been to... And I have a vendetta against Paris, and I'm very, because I, Well, I haven't been since 2014. I haven't been, and I have a vendetta against Paris, and I really hope I am wrong. I wonder what the vibes

like there were since they won the World Cup. Oh. Like, because you know how fucking London was buzzing when we were doing well in the World Cup.

Yeah. I wonder what it's like, because I always find it like, I find it quite like a Dawa city. I wonder if it's a bit more vibrant. Yeah. I guess we'll find out.

And then we're off to Belgium, looking forward to seeing you, Cunt. Amsterdam, the ones that I do not think are sold out yet, I do not think Tallinn is sold out yet, because that's a massive fucking venue. Thursday, 25th of October. And then maybe Rijeka in Croatia on the 31st, which is our last date.

Is that everyone thinking that they're going mad checking their phone for a text? Yeah. That was me getting a text. Also, for the Birmingham Newcastle and London dates and Glasgow dates that I've added, understand that on my website it's being a bit shit at the moment, so it might say sold out. I would recommend going to the theatre website's direct or Ticketmaster if you struggle to get tickets for any of the bigger tour dates in the uk rather than my website and even though this is a free podcast and there's no advertising on it i do advertise my show which i want you all to watch it's a it's called punch drunk it's on www.kaihumphreys.com you can download it with the discount code muggins m-u-g-g-i-n-s

and it's a show I'm very proud of I hope you enjoy it and also please if you've watched my Netflix specials

please keep fucking tweeting and plugging them the only way I can get more is if the feedback which has already been incredible is bigger

so just keep fucking recommending those things and also let's talk about the badge competition because you fucked up twice here. Originally, the badge competition

started on this podcast, which is we got a bunch of team cream badges made and a bunch of team muggins badges made. And they don't call them badges in most countries. They call them buttons. Yeah. So the whole game was originally going to be we weren't going to talk about them on stage.

It was only podcast listeners would come up to us and you would either say team cream or team muggins. And it would be a euro or a pound or whatever the equivalent is. And we would give you one. If you wanted both of the badges, you had to buy three so that you're still picking a site. You can only buy a number of badges. Yes. And you have to pick a team. You have to pick a team.

And the reason this is fucked up is because, one, we bought so many badges that we were like, we're not going to sell this from podcast listeners alone. So we had to start plugging it on stage. And obviously, these are audiences that have, because they're bigger audiences than we've played before. A lot of them don't know you in the same way that people in the podcast do, and they have done in the fucking past so it's I am thoroughly in the it's been a it's a strange change in dynamic at the end of the show now where for the last like nine years of doing tours

the last four years of doing European tours everybody that comes up after the gig knows us both and is friendly to us both and want a photo of us both

but like now we've got the occasional and it's very much a minority occasional star fuckers who've seen you on TV and they're a bit shaky about you and they'll not even fucking acknowledge

your existence. They'll just come up and beeline for you and mug us right off, which I can cope with. It happened a little bit on the first two after the McIntyre's World Show, but it just went from like, oh, our fans to,

oh, your fans. I'll win them over I think one of the downsides is that we've not because we've stopped doing the double act at the end

because we're just with the fucking length the nature of the content the nature of the content at the end of the show

but yeah so I'm thoroughly and also you did you forgot your badges in Vienna one of our biggest fucking gigs oh man

I would have I would have gotten rid of so many as well yeah because people were coming up and being like we're team

we're team maggots we're team maggots and I'm like I'm afraid you're not because that was there especially like any of the OG like wanted by mine

like all the newer ones wanted by yours but the OG ones wanted to mug you off yeah yeah which as well somebody put in Muggle Corner

anybody who's like proud of being OG something yeah yeah yeah I saw them first yeah before it was mainstream Which as well, somebody put in Muggle Corner anybody who's proud of being OG something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw them first, before it was mainstream. But we do prefer you OG listeners, never forget that. Right, your dad. Oh yeah.

Your dad wears jorts to the water park. He's a never nude. Oh, I convinced my mum that Milo McKay was a never nude. He is. I know, but she didn't believe us at first. Your dad has his arm in a sling even though there's nothing wrong with him. Your dad doggy paddles in the bath. Your dad breaks in snooker using the wrist.

Your dad puts lipstick on his closed fist and practices kissing on it. And now he gets disabled parking because both of his hands left him. Your dad does. No touching can't get mad. No touching can't get mad. To lap dance us. Your dad takes his paycheck to the bank and gets them to pay him in coins so he can

fill up his bag that he has crudely drawn a dollar sign on the side. When your dad gets to the mega bus he always asks if he can sit on

the bus driver's knee. The answer is always no. Your dad still plays Neopets. What's Neopets? You never played Neopets? It was like the things where you grew grass on the head. No, no. Neopets what's Neopets you never played Neopets yeah it was like

the things where you grew grass on the head no no Neopets was this online did you play Habbo Hotel or anything like that

what did you just make these up no like so this was maybe it was when the internet just came out they were like

just fucking Neopets like Caligari Pets oh but it was online but you could pick like there was 30 different types of them it was like Pokemon

but online like the chows on the Dreamcast, Sonic. Sure. Sonic? Sonic. Do you mean Choo Choo Rocket? No the Chow pets that you put on the top of the control pad. Oh no no.

And the control pad memory stick had a screen. It was like a whole fucking world, it was mainly sort of click and stuff but you raised your pets and you fed them and it was good fun. So I can see why your dad still plays it. When he can't find the leash, your dad walks his dog with a fishing rod and makes the quip to pass us by. Don't worry, it doesn't bite. Morpheus gave your dad the choice

of blue pill or the red pill and your dad said no to both as drugs are for mugs. Dude, did you ever... Were you there when I had that conversation with Rich you know Rich who works at Gilded Blue

Dickie aye we had this conversation about like when it's off at the red pill or the blue pill like there's way

more than them two options because you can say no to both or you can take them both so there's four options

there's four ways you can have them and then he did this sketch about like I want to take the red pill but I struggle swallowing them and then he did this sketch about like oh I'm really I want to take the red pill but

I struggle swallowing them and he crushed them up with mac and cheese right your dad has paparazzi to get photos of him

every time he goes to a movie premiere your dad every time your dad does a Sean Connery impression he does the eyes and I don't think he knows

who Sean Connery is your dad does a Sean Connery impression he does the eyes and I don't think he knows who Sean Connery is your dad does this party trick where he swallows his tongue it's not actually a party trick but there's always a lot of flush and lated parties your dad sits on eggs to boil them there's always that your dad uses a selfie stick to do DIY endoscopies.

Your dad says his star sign is the moon. Your dad keeps his pogs in a safe that's hidden behind an oil painting in his study. Your dad has to wear a collar now because he kept going to the neighbours for dinner. Your dad misses being the tooth fairy so much that he keeps getting you into fights. Alright, bye. I can't hang up. You hang up.