Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 37 Abandosam

Episode Date: March 6, 2017

Muggins plays host to special guest and one half of freestyle hiphop phenomenon Abandoman, Mr Sam "Abandosam" Wilson. The charming blighter gets straight into the spirit of the podcast with sotries, tangents, funnies and all round good vibrations. Oh. They also throw Andrew Stanley (our previous co-pilot) under the bus for his 'anakisstic' actions on Wednesday night. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and Cream, Cream and Muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' Muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

We're in the same seats. That's hack. Aww, Muggles. Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or a magic beat cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

All right, Muggins here. This is the new improved intro that Cream requested. I've got to introduce the podcast. This is Sloss and Humphries on the road. I am not on the road with Daniel Sloss right now. He is in the other... I'm in Adelaide right now, and he is in Sydney. He's just in an amazing podcast with Nick Correa.

Enjoyed them vibrations. And I am here now with Sam Wilson, a band of Sam. Sam of a band of man. What's in your pocket? How are you doing, brother? Nice to see you. Hi, you're a long-term listener, first-time caller. Long-term listener, first-time caller, yeah, that's correct. No, it's good to be here, man. Nice to see you. We've been a couple of weeks here. You've been keeping to your schedule. We've had some times.

Nine man, 3,000. So I've been, as the regular listeners may know, I have had a phenomenal change of pace with my health and fitness. I've went from being a party boy to just fucking eating my greens. I thought it was a fucking prank. When you told me, I couldn't fucking believe it. Nah. Fucking real shit. But I give you a pass that brought me out of retirement for one day only.

It was pretty celestial. It was a good moment. It kind of dawned on, it was a meagernesday night and uh i'd say it started pretty humbly started started with a couple of nice well you come to my show nothing too well i mean very humbly yeah it's a good show you went to watch you went to watch some art that's how humbly the night started you weren't you watch myself and myself and rob were a band the man front row center i mean great place to be for a mate's gig Yeah. We were there loving it. Because that was it, because it was such a small crowd

and I'd used the little, like, bookend, these, like, fucking big bench seats to close the crowd in. So there was only, like, two rows of eight or something in the gig. And I was just, like, sitting in the front row. You've done fucking grand designs on it. I mean, you've done these big fucking couches round. You've done a bit of interior design. Feng Shui was all there

I mean it was a potentially awful Feng Shui they were pretty randy couches those ones when I turned them around I realised like

how beat up the backs were they looked like I just pulled them off some fly tip and said crack den so I introduced him to crack den but I'll give you

the preamble before you come to my show too I was like I was like dude if you don't find it funny don't feel obliged to laugh but friendship runs deep other than that like you can you can just find it funny don't feel obliged to laugh but friendship runs deeper than that

like you can you can just stare at me like what the fuck is this trope but it's a good vibe lovely little crew there you did have a little giggle we saw a show

we then had a we had our worst show of the run that night that was fucking atrocious yeah so someone booed me while I was singing

it was a nice moment let's give this a little bit of a preamble, because I can't imagine Band of Man having a bad gig. If anyone's listened to this podcast and you know who Band of Man are, you're very excited that Sam's with me. Now, if you haven't seen a Band of Man yet, they blow the roof off joints.

Like, you guys improvise. It's a fun show, man. It's an improvised hip-hop show. So myself and my much more talented partner, Rob, he does all the rapping. I do all of the music, write all the tracks do all the stuff do some singing uh it's normally i'm not saying it's a fucking bulletproof it's a it's an easy show no one uh it's it's not normally a show to to fucking make people pissed off if anything i mean it's it's a good so i've seen you guys at altitude festival i've seen you at best of Festival I've seen you at Bestival I've seen you at Electric Picnic

I've just seen you fucking lighting the place up better than any any tent in the entire festivals and then you come to me after after coming to my show

you went to do your show and you just you just dragged your heels into the alfresco mate there was something in the air I mean I take fucked up

I screen blank so it's a silly fictionalised story and our keynote file kept cutting out every four or five blank so it's a silly fictionalised story and our keynote file kept cutting out every four or five slides so Rob's fucking

ducking down pressing escape going back to the menu fucking beach baller dooms in he's control alt and deleting

the rabbit took a back seat he's getting his F5 on it's all there it's all happening he held shift for 12 seconds

he did everything he went to fucking command prompt what is that when you hold shift or something for 12 seconds there you've pressed it multiple times it comes up with a thing on the screen you just entered the stargate man that's it you just did it if i can start again is that not the space bar into fucking steve jobs his brain the whole map out i mean it's that as a mac user i don't know what i think it's called launchpad yeah do you use that? I've never met anyone who uses fucking Launchpad.

It's for launching all the things that aren't good enough to be. Yeah, on your toolbar. Yeah, it'll be like, I don't know, fucking weird.

Yeah, I've got a couple of things on my Launchpad. What's happening on Launchpad? Well, I've just, I go on there for Audacity, for Skype,

just a couple of things. Just fucking drag it down to the toolbar. On your desktop. Be a normal human. Yeah. Don't fucking Launchpad it. I just like the drag it down to the desktop be a normal human yeah i like the idea i go to the launch pad i got in full fucking costume and everything i pull the fucking i'll pull my space suit on that i made out of tinfoil i'll pull on a goldfish ball over my head going to the launch pad straight up to audacity open audacity fucking mix up a few tracks

and then I edit the intro onto the podcast I hope so I'm about to do that in a few hours actually the full fucking regalia in a few hours why do you think

I brought so much of a big bag to come to your house I mean Kai turned up Kai turned up topless today on his bike

as a man we've already touched on that he's getting his fitness regime on it was pretty terrifying actually it was a muscular creature. I didn't know turning up to my house.

Yeah, right. I was lying on my belly on the seat and pedaling with my hands just to get an arm pump on. It was. It was fucking gang. The gang allowed to make themselves fucking El Chapo. Because it's lovely out it's a beautiful day

I went for a topless jog this morning I've just got to get it out there I've got this new physique I just want to flash it round I've been sexing Daniel with it you're getting so furious I've been sending Daniel pictures anyway to go back to it

this is the regime this is Kai's regime we know about it we'd had this fucking shock of a gig uh someone took their moment to boo me singing a sad song it was a humbling experience so why want me to boo drunk did he know what he was doing maybe he had actual fucking reservations about my performance no disrespect to him it's an open forum should be allowed to say what no uh i don't know man who boo's a band man i think it's your dad joke your dad boo's a band man it was even more callous because fucking rob had left the stage so i wasn't even booing a band he's just booing me a band of sam that's that's a band of sam's moment to sing a song and no and he took his moment i mean we've been i reminisce with rob

like we have been bottled before in a gig, which was our most rock and roll moment. Somewhere through a bottle, yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which one did it hit? Multiple glass bottles. Who did it in for? Was it you again?

I think it's fucking me. We're establishing a pattern here. Do people just see you as the yogurt ornal? What does that say? Stapling. Stapling Rob's creativity. He's the fucking musical douche. Even worse, right right our show in Edinburgh

contained a shit ton of costumes costumes 12 costume changes but we had to lose all of them because we didn't bring them to Australia

so I have one costume change which is for this point in the show spoiler alert for going on the launch pad to find out what went wrong exactly Rob dies in the show

his character gets shot by someone in the audience and there's a eulogy for this eulogy i put on a fake suit and tie uh which for someone who already doesn't like me in the crowd is it is not a hot look to see uh a band that's on his fucking it's a river island shirt cut the wrong way with a fucking suit on so i'm not a man bear in mind in shorts in this weather yeah shorts and a suit being booed it was a pretty socks up or socks down I think that would be

the kicker it was a suit top green chill in it you brought a green chill in it I tried you have a propeller on your cap

it was it was shite it was shite booze happened we went off met Humphreys for a little bev it was very civilised to start I was drinking met Humphries for a little bev it was very civilised

to start I was drinking Shiraz fucking shared a few stories house red you were on the house you were on the house you were on the house red

classy man that's classy for me my top was on unusually top was on bike was there bike was there Kai started to reel off

all of the places in the city where he could leave his bike and that was a pretty fascinating point of the night wouldn't you say that was a bit of yeah where he could leave his bike and that was a pretty fascinating point of the night wouldn't you say that was a bit of yeah because

leaving the bike was a decision that was made pretty early it was made early on in this civilized night and then I don't know we then went to went to a little

went to the next bar I don't know who instigated what I would say was the sort of what's it called the fucking event horizon of the night was when someone suggested

yeah was when someone suggested yeah was when someone suggested Mandy might be coming to the party it was very much guys only and then Mandy turned up and if everyone knows

our friend Mandy they'll know she's a lovely girl she's a fucking lovely girl I mean I wasn't expecting to see her out that night I wasn't expecting to see her that night

nah I didn't either Mandy was meant to stay in you know what I mean Mandy had other plans we got joined by a couple of other comedians, a comedian and his girlfriend, and they were lit up, weren't they?

They just walked past us, we were having a while for us to go down, and they sat down and they were lit up, and we were like, is it nice? And they were like, yeah. I mean, in a pretty fucking, in a pretty pathetic way, we were actually telling our good and bad drug stories

as two sober men just drinking yeah and then two steam rollers roll in with fucking eyes aflame uh and we went oh this is this has just moved into the fourth dimension this is actually happening in real time we're seeing these drug stories being enacted in front of our very fucking eyes we were swept along behind them like hey have you ever seen it where you're at a platform and the train goes by that isn't stopping at that platform and the debris

gets dragged behind it we were the carrier bags that were getting drafted behind this fucking steam train we were the fucking bean tins behind the wedding car

we were there fucking rattling rattling at first slowly and embarrassingly but then it just all clicked into place we were sitting

we had to do a bit of Heisenberg action with the pills it was a little bit kind of rough and ready to start out with because someone had put them in

I apologise my dad listening I know you don't condone these actions but just to be sure that I had a very good time one off one off on the stone freeze

they come in a capsule I always think it's nice that the person's done that the dealer puts it in a capsule because what you normally do is put in a little rizz think it's nice that the person's done that that the dealer puts it in a capsule because what you normally do is you put in a little Rizzler

and you dab it in your gums or something and it's a bit seedy but every now and again someone will just take a paracetamol capsule apart and put it shows real care

shows real love and attention yeah it's nice isn't it but the thing is we only had one so we had to we had to get the capsule and kind of just shimmy

from one end of the other until we had half a dose of and kind of just shimmy it from one end of the other until we had a half a dose of you were you were fucking playing the maracas over there and then we'll have it we'll find another one and so we might as well just wait a little bit of patience it's a real thing of making your meal last we're eating with a small spoon we're getting the dessert right on but it was good i mean the other it was it was a night that i wasn't intending to stay out for very long that's the other it was it was a night that i wasn't intending to stay out for very long that's the other interesting thing with this spontaneous night is it wasn't meant to be a big one i think obviously we decided we were going to be staying for a bit when this when this all

kicked in we're having some pretty intense conversation a few dudes rolled up who i don't think either of us could vouch for them but i mean you know they appeared yeah yeah a few fucking avatars and a few a few fucking blank faces I've got a default default fucking algorithms just fucking blended into the mix

I had a very long conversation with someone about the the etiquette of DJing and it's history which is a conversation I don't know enough information to carry

and I'm he was very sober this man I started going I think we'd started I'd started the conversation yeah but bear in mind when you start a conversation with someone who's equally as fucked as you and then tag someone else in yeah it didn't go well so the conversation i started with you let's revisit

this and put a pause on where the night's up at the minute we'll take the podcast through it's a real fucking it's a real anthology we'll get to it so i suggested to you that like as i got such a musical background and i was talking about when i went uh abitha and i'm in dc10 and i'm watching the dj and everyone's lording over this dj and i wish i could remember solomon maybe yeah yeah so everyone's fucking lording over this guy and uh he fucking drops the bomb on it put his hand in the air and everyone's going nuts but at him everyone's like fucking loving like putting all the attention towards him not just dancing with each other yeah put They put it all on the stage, and his arms are in the air. And I was like, is that really...

If that was a guitarist, and the guitarist put his hands in the air, and his guitar kept on singing, everyone would look at him and go, nah, you're a fraud. You press play. There's two things. I mean, there's multiple things. It's not bad. I have no problem with the observation.

The worst DJ set we've seen, myself and Robert out here a few years ago, it's a festival that's now been cancelled due to just the such high amount of deaths that happened at it. It was called Future Music. What, drug deaths? Drug deaths.

Posse spoil everything. We'll get into that. Fucking Future Music, Adelaide Festival. I mean, you've been to V Festival been to v festival you like you've been to like you've seen you've seen what i'm gonna call the tops off british festivals yeah people fucking in the park people yeah people fucking in the mud at 3 p.m fucking tops off people don't know what they're doing with the drugs this was that on more drugs and on more heat i mean that was it was so fucking warm that just that yeah the amount of debauchery was was pretty high end it was it was funny to an outsider it's pretty funny

there is a edm act called bass jackers i think do this kind of fucking hardcore hardcore kind of dubstep stuff and they were doing their set everyone's loving it we then see uh two of them walk out from behind the decks and start just dispensing water to the crowd oh yeah leave the decks leave the music and start playing the water boy literally both of them didn't even have the grace to let one of them go and do water dewy i've never seen a fucking main stage festival act handing out their own water these lads thought we'll both do it at the same time i mean it was it was pretty wild in terms of press and play and it's a big it's a big thing in in in like bass music especially in commercial bass music you see tomorrowland you see all these festivals

these things have to be run on on playback because they're all synced to lights to sync to intense light shows these fucking so it is something they made earlier but they've got to put on a performance piece with it yeah but they have put in the groundwork, and this is what they're coming to present. It's the thing I've made. And I took such a visceral, bad reaction to this the first time. I was pretty pissed off. And a promoter was just saying to me, you're not their audience.

It's not for you. It's for people who have fucking just taken a load of drugs, they know the songs, and they're having the time of their life, which you have to concede is true. My point about your DJing is, that's not good DJing. That's not even DJing. That is, that's maybe good production but it's press and play good djing is crate selection it's choosing tunes it's mixing it's vinyl it's it's a beautiful thing

so they're putting their hands in the air it's just a luxury that you get when you're doing that it's a fucking luxury to initial drop i mean it's it's all about energy exchange isn't it fucking same at being on stage doing what you do doing what you do it's about trying to fucking lead them up and down these waves but i will agree i mean this conversation and this is us pretty much sober me on on some quite strong substances on that having this with a poor layman who just come over yeah he didn't know what hit him because this is uh the reason i brought that up with you is because i suggested the idea of um what about if i'm on stage could i get samples of other comedians and get them to play? Like really

famous stuff like fucking Mickey Flanagan's Out Out. I can drop a beat with Out Out. Out Out. He's going Out Out. Garlic bread. Out Out. Garlic bread. Out Out. He's playing garlic bread. He's playing garlic bread. The power of a million candles. Garlic bread.

Out Out. Garlic bread. Out Out. Garlic bread. The power of a million candles garlic bread out out garlic bread out out garlic bread the power of a million candles candles candles four candles

four candles alfalfox four candles alfalfox mandra what's in your mandra so I'm saying

could I set up a show your workings that's the thing isn't it you can't do it people are going to be blown aside it's quite a funny idea is it going to work

so I don't know that's why I was coming to you but I was like could I set these samples up in my iPad and then I could set up that thing about my disdain

towards the DJ I wish I could do that as a comedian and then drop the thing we were talking about that and that's when you got hijacked the fucking default default character 307 default fucking surfer hipster rolled in muggle it's just what they've got special types of muggles out here as well because here the template is that you look more interesting out here i don't know if you'd agree with that our fucking british muggle muggle on the street you you know what you're looking for

i mean i've actually this whole trip has been sponsored by top man for me basically but they're fucking top man up to their eyes oh the shade here your muggles can take on some interesting they can take the beach muggle the beach the beach model is there i haven't spent much time at the beach but uh what what sell the beach muggle as? I'm beached muggle as in they've turned up online I thought you meant there was a specific type of muggle at the beach the beached muggle you mean they've just washed ashore

they've just washed ashore they've got these raggy fucking they've got a shark's tooth on their necklace they've got a shark's tooth there they've got the Hawaiian shirt they've got the fucking bra tooth on their necklace. Fucking shark's tooth there. Rosemary beads. They wear the fucking Hawaiian shirt. They've got the fucking braids in their hair. I mean, you know, aesthetically beautiful humans, but as dumb and as fucking plastic

as any fucking street muggle that we're familiar with. Yeah, there's this girl that works at the cafe that's really, really nice, but then there's a candle that was in a cup with coffee beans in it. Yeah. Right? And like a proper hipster fucking set up and I knocked it over. And I was like, oh, sorry.

I was just like getting my shit together. I was like, she was like, oh, it's all right. I'll clean up. And she went, it actually looks quite nice. It looks like a candle deconstructed. But she said it meant it. It wasn't like, so there's the beans and then the candle and then the cup. So it was like the three elements that were there.

And she was like, it's like art. And I'm like no it's like I made a mess someone's fucked up stop being an art stop being an art and being fucked up

just because you're projecting yourself like that it's a bit hippie-ish but it is that I think Adelaide has got that everyone's default hippie

and it's nice. It's better than default angry like fucking Newcastle. I don't think it is. I'd rather talk to a fucking firebrand. Someone that's angry because you're looking at their chips. Someone came up to me yesterday.

So this was his... I don't think Newcastle is default angry, but at a certain time of night it is. I was on about Big Market at 3am. Hometown. Disclaimers. Here it is. And that's the day I was on a boat, big market at 3am. Right. Hometown. As we were. Disclaimers.

Yeah, it is. I'm sure everybody does. I was leaving the, leaving a venue, yesterday, Garden of Unearthly Delights. And a dude was up to me, and he's like,

mate, why have you got so many bags? A great approach to a stranger. Yeah. The amount of bags I had was two one on my back one on my hand you've got your equipment I had the standard

airline fucking hand luggage requirements it was nothing out of the order one on my bag one on my hand I'm feeling fine I say to him

I live on I gave some bullshit answer I said I just live on the streets I'm fucking moving I'm moving day to day I'm trying my best you're a very slick

looking homeless guy with your shorts and your suit jacket. It probably was him. He'd come to find me. We actually put it in Muggle Corner when people made comments on your bags because someone commented that I had it on both shoulders. And I was like,

who's fucking bothering themselves with the weight distribution? The thing with that is that fucking lumbar support should not be ignored. Like the back is the most impressive. I don't know if it's an organ. I mean, it's not an organ. Yeah, the back and organ.

I mean, I can pretty much guarantee 99.9% that it's not an organ. It's a few organs working together. That's a big part of the blueprint, the back. And there's a fucking every old person, fucking whatever, back problem. So this guy gives me shit on my bags.'s headline he then goes to me he goes mate where are you from and i go i'm from from england he goes nah you're fucking lying you're lying where are you from so i'm from melbourne and he got a fucking new and he's

angry now he's actually angry it's fucking clips a week in Clips all for those at home. NASCAR. Yeah, but shit. NASCAR. Fucking NASCAR with civilians driving. There's no... It's literally... It's like South Park NASCAR. It's Cartman NASCAR. Obama's down in hell. You know Eddie the Eagle?

We fucking love Eddie the Eagle. We skated with Eddie the Eagle. Yeah, fucking absolute fucking legend. But the way they paint him out in his early stages when he's in his back lawn doing the fucking moves these are these people in their own cars doing doing the race it's fucking wild anyone can enter yeah they're chewing the car up on the lawn yeah everyone's got an axe to grind uh so this guy's they're fucking clips of this clips of that save from goes back and forth he gets pissed off threatens to fight me outside

when i'm leaving the venue I'm like don't want to fight don't want to fight I'm from the UK you've got no problem suddenly switches on a dime and he goes

mate do you know who you sound like Stormzy Stormzy no someone you know me

quite well does he think Stormzy's from Melbourne I think we'd moved past the fucking... He established you're from Melbourne and went, no, I must... We've moved past the fake news of my Melbourne heritage. I said, because you sound like Stormzy.

I mean, I'm a white man. I did fine in my background. I don't sound like Stormzy. It was the most fucking real i've ever felt and actually did you own it though what did you start slipping into a stormzy lilt i'll tell you what happened i think i i tried to quote facts i was like yeah mate he's just been made number one in the uk today he did not know or care about that he started quoting from old stormzy songs that i didn't have the reference to uh i think it was from shut up which is a good tune so we

just started going my face shut up and i was like oh god we're back to the fighting now i was on the back foot i was on the back foot i didn't know he was going at me so i was like oh this guy's fucking mercurial and he's in his energies towards me he's swapping forward and back uh and yeah we left it with him signing off i think he liked me by the end he said if you ever get into a fight here call me and I'll fight for you to the death wow

I've made a friend so why don't you get into a fight with someone really tough give him a ring just get in two seconds dude right I've wailed you up enough

but I know just the guy just get him lynched I've got short storms he's number one fan coming in yes so we were in the garden of unearthly delights we have to finish this

fucking night and um so this is what happened so something happened when you were there that matured when you were gone so i'm gonna fill you in on the bit where you were there right so we were stood talking to andrew stanley who's uh the podcast listeners will know from the last three episodes four episodes perhaps that that I did without cream. Stanley's been a resident guest. Lovely, lovely, lovely human. And Chris Henry. So we're chatting away.

So there's the four of us. We're chatting away. And something happened where Chris Henry felt the need to fucking put a mouth kiss snog on us, right? So I'm fighting Chris Henry's face away. Okay, just, I'm not fucking derailing this long tale any longer this was when I left

this is the moment I'm choosing to fucking leave because we'll come back to my side I had a moment of just peripherally going it's all got too much like I knew

I needed to wake up early it was all this talk about people mouth kissing each other but it wasn't sweet talk it was it was people were being aggressive

so this was I was walking being aggressive. So basically this was I was walking out the fucking back door this was happening. Right the aggression came off the back of this because so fucking I don't even know

what happened with the banter where Chris Henry felt the need to fucking give us the whole face I got treatment from aliens and I'm like fucking holding him away while he's just tail

wrapped around my neck like face like this. Yeah yeah yeah fucking full face. And while you were laughing at this happening to me Stanley done it to you right

yeah yeah yeah and then Stanley bust in and done it to me and just started fucking kissing people willy nilly just fucking took the safety catch off

aka 47 fucking snogged every cunt right and then in the midst of kissing you then me and us two being like

boiled by it he smacked a kiss on Jane right who wasn't even involved in the bit of banter that led to this happening right

so he kisses this girl who is girlfriend of comedian Stephen Bennett lovely Steve Bennett, comedian's listening Steve Bennett is a renowned journalist for Chortle magazine Chortle website and he's trying comedy for the first time out here

this is him and his girlfriend is beloved now this is a comedian by girlfriend is be lovely Slander now this is this is a comedian by the same name called Steve Bennett fantastic comedian fantastic comedian

fucking lovely dude Irish guy who's over he won the best of Irish but he won the best of Irish competition and he's over here as the best of Irish

to do the showcase so that's why he's here and he spots Andrew Stanley just throwing a kiss at his girlfriend without any of the build-up right and he is fucking fuming and that's where you must have left when he started getting a bit angry and chris henry's like oh just leave it so all i saw was you saying to steve bennett not of total fame i've just got him in my head now for this

whole anecdote it makes it much fun i've just got a little fucking head now for this whole anecdote. It makes it much funnier. I've just got a little fucking Stevie with his notepad. And you say to him, you go, you go, Steve, Steve, Steve. Andrew didn't mean anything by it. He didn't mean anything by it. It's no problem. He didn't mean anything by it.

And in my head, all he's done is he's kissed Steve. So I just think Steve has taken a really negative reaction to getting a snog from Stanley. The most homophobic dude at the festival. Bennett fuming. Fucking walking around producers with his beard on fire. I was just saying, I always thought Bennett was a pretty easy going fella. I don't think he's got a problem.

And yeah, now you're telling me. So you're going to love where this story goes. So Steve was like, because like me and Chris Henry, like it instantly just like whoa whoa whoa like you know if a kid trips over and you just go

oh get up what are you like the kid will probably laugh but if you run at that kid going oh you're alright the kid's going to probably start crying a fucking moment of suspension

so because we were like dude dude it's not how it looks that actually made him feel like it was more than it was so we asked him to fire

right but I said I said to him in a moment of serenity when he like when everything was calming down I went dude look

you're right to be pissed off at him whatever the context whatever the joke Stanley kissed your beard and I mean none of this is on here don't give her a hard time

because she knew nothing about it until it was happening right again I thought this was because he'd kissed Stanley and I thought she'd overreacted

yeah he was pretty pissed as well I was just like this couple has no chill it's just Stanley and Steve fucking kissy tulips Andrew Stanley mate

so I said to Steve I was just like look he's being a dick you've got every right to want to fucking do him

just don't yeah just let this one slide yeah like just whatever anger you're feeling right now let it slide and he agreed

and he was just like, yeah, and he just wanted people to stop talking about it. I was like, it'll blow over soon enough and fucking sure enough, it did.

So you left at this point, right? I'm fucking home to live my own odyssey. This is an hour later. Right. I'm just sat chilling and Andrew Stanley's

opposite me and he's chatting to one of the girls who works at the bar at Pedro O'Brien's where we do all our gigs and this is about an hour after the moment's gone, right? And nobody sees this coming.

But Steve Bennett just comes along, big farmhand, fucking slap! And just slapped the lips off Andrew Stanley. Fucking palm slap, right? Right? An hour later, this is like, nobody knows what the fuck's going on. Has he been fucking stewing for the hour? Did you see him in... Oh, God.

He must have stewed for a long time. So normally, because Stanley's a good friend of mine, normally if anyone fucking waited in and started hitting Stanley, I would instantly knee-jerk. Stick up for him. Fight to the fucking death.

This one, I fucking sat back in my seat and lit a cigarette. Instantly lit a cigarette. I was like, this is awesome. Fucking UFC prequel. Big slap. And then instantly followed it up with this combo. So the first combo is the big slap.

The second combo is with both hands, grabs his head from either side. Right. Like a clamp. You know what's going to happen next? Does he kiss him in the face? He revenge kiss raped him right in the face, right? Come on, Steve Bennett.

And then started doing muah, muah, muah noises after he'd done it. And going, how do you like it? Muah, muah, muah, muah, muah. Fucking. The bearded, generous face of sexual assault. Oh, more, more, more. Fucking, the bearded, generous face of sexual assault. Oh, man.

And then, wow. And then, because these two are fucking good friends. They're doing the best of, they were showcased together. Yeah. They fucking live together in Perth,

right? And all of a sudden, Stanley's getting revenge kiss ripped off Steve. Oh my God, that cigarette tasted so sweet. I love I love that he was formulating the plan I love that he went

right I've got a few moves to make on this chessboard the first is very aggressive but I'm going to follow it up with some fucking hubris right from my

lips it turned out fucking savagery they were discussing what they should have done right like I think it was Jane and and maybe there's other people there, but I'll not name other people because I can't remember who it was,

but there was a group of them sat there, right? Rest in peace. I can speculate that it was probably Chris Henry and the boys, right? So there was a group of them, and Steve Bennett was like, oh, I wish I'd just slapped him, or wouldn't it have been funny if I just ran up and kissed him? And then Jane went, you should have done both. And then he went, fucking I'm done both. And then he went,

fucking I'm gonna. It's funny. How good though? Hail the king. Hail the fucking king. You got front row seats. The fucking tabs out. You're just fucking

watching away the storm. And then reaction wise, right? This is how the reaction went down, right? Stanley just so discombobulated. Like he didn't know what had just happened and it starts dawning on him

what had happened and then there was like a bit of a delay before he went like what the fuck are you doing what the

fuck do you think you're doing and then Steve because he's such a nice dude just went oh I'm sorry dude I'm sorry

and started like apologising for it and I was like oh no you need to commit to that play you can't you can't like

fucking just dabble that play and see how it goes and then kind of half ass out of it you've got to fucking swing

from the rooftop that's the special move that's your special move and you've got to back that shit yeah so fucking because Stanley

felt a little bit of back peddling right he started being firm and like going that never happens again like prop a red firm and like going that never happens again like prop my red face

and I'm like that never what the fuck that never happens again and this is when I interjected I was like

I didn't think it was going to be a common occurrence mate like I didn't really plan on doing it on Tuesdays and

weekends front row seats you know oh god oh my gosh I think I might have been a once in a lifetime

thing man I don't think you need to stip think that might have been a once in a lifetime thing man I think you need to stipulate that this is not a repeat like every time every time you're not expecting it fucking hell 50 mate 50 shades of Stanley

that's it you know what I really love good and the bad you know what I really love about showing the story first up you hadn't heard that story so it's nice to get a

reaction that's fresh in my ears but second up like Stanley's normally on the podcast. I just like being able to tell the story without him twisting and turning it of his own judgment. I mean, I'm going to throw one. But he's a fucking twister. He's a twister and a turner.

He's the fucking blacksmith. He fucking goes wild on this shit. We had a long argument that night, which we won't go into about his, let's call it abuse questioning of someone in the crowd but you you questioned on a few let's say tempestuous racial grounds and and that man stood his ground that man stood his ground and when you went to the toilet he'd wiggle my ear and when he went to the toilet you'd wiggle my ear try and twist the phone he's a fucking he's

a he's twisting that cog he's on the vice so i was telling someone the story i've just told you right and I was like So then Stanley kisses Chris Henry And then he kisses me And then he kisses Jane And she doesn't know What's hit that I'm telling the story like that

And then he was just saying What the fuck are you talking about You fucking know nothing It wasn't Chris Henry It was Sam And started like fixing That part of the fact I was like

You're fixing the wrong bit Like it's It's a part of the Patron bit of information You fucking Mug I've got the only thing

I have to add to this and we need to get onto some features because this is just a long walk down memory lane for us I've been slapped by Andrew Stanley

and I think kissed on the face in the same night really yep fuck so it does happen regularly not the fucking

solar eclipse you thought it was it's a common fucking occurrence it's Loss's birthday so you remember that good night good day

good day good night yeah that was down in the South Bank got pretty rowdy I don't know the inception of it I think

I think I got into a verbal fight with him into a verbal spar with Stanley which especially if he's been on the if he gets repetitive and insistent it which especially if he's been on the if he gets repetitive and insistent

it's good if he's been on the he's not he's a pretty fucking burly sparring partner he won't he won't accept an L

that's what I say he's fucking W's all the way it will take it will take the ground yeah he may be sparring but he needs to hit hard he needs to hit hard

fucking work your butt myself it was him him myself and James Loveridge lovely man Loveridge James Loveridge but he needs to hit hard he needs to let you know fucking work your butt myself it was him him, myself and James Loveridge lovely man lovely James Loveridge who wasn't as fucked

as everyone else he was in a great mood I just remember the three of us talking I remember exactly where it was in that fucking compound and I think someone

might have said I think I might have said do you want to fucking hit me in the face then as a joke and the man pulled back crouch, touch, engage fucking wallop me in the mouth and then fucking kiss me on the face then as a joke and the man pulled back crouch touch engage fucking wallop me in the

mouth and then fucking kiss me on the face wow so we know i mean he slap kissed you fucking slap and then he got so angry when he got a kiss of his own kisserman i know he'll fucking come back to us on the next one of these we'll hear all the fucking fake news just to tell you stuff so I'll give you my side of the coin we haven't spoken about mine in the night when I left

I went back home in that way that the fucking first pillar kicked in I was having a lovely time but I was also very worried I had fucking work to do in the morning

so we got home I went home walked the long way back fucking sat on a few benches had a few cigarettes just admiring the sights listened to the fucking best of the

Spotify playlist good little end siesta to the night we're all back home getting to bed it's about 5 30 at this point can't sleep for shit i mean i fought my tiredness hormone it kicked in i fought on the walk home i thought you're fucking leveling down you're fucking moving down you're massaging the brain into yeah yeah lovely fucking you had that second half capsule that we were in a patient for just before you left in my head it was four hours before i left but it probably was right before the fucking door with stanley playing kiss chase uh i rolled home stood static in the fucking bed tried a few visual a a few visual aids to go to sleep tried a few audio aids it didn't work i was like i need i

need another fucking cigarette this this this needs to happen i'd run out of cigarettes for the night we'd had i was going i need to go to the garage but i know the fucking garage next to me is closed so i go right we're gonna go i'm gonna search for 24 hour garages in adelaide and i'm getting an uber to one it's now at 6 a.m like the fucking work day has started like businessmen are out i'm rolling out in whatever i'm rolling out in meet my taxi driver and in a weird i think i was i was sort of disappointed that I hadn't slept I felt actually a little bit vulnerable at this point

I'm on the taxi rather than admitting to him that I'd had a big fucking night out on the tiles my line when I got into the cab was how's it going mate yeah I've just I've just been writing a show

all evening I've been writing all night I've been working all night then he goes yeah okay fine what's the show just go Limbo Unhinged

the big new circus show which for anyone not in Adelaide is the biggest show to come to Adelaide it's the show? Just go, Limbo Unhinged, the big new circus show, which for anyone not in Adelaide, is the biggest show to come to Adelaide. It's the biggest money spectacular. I've heard it mentioned on the radio. He's heard it mentioned on the radio. I'd heard it mentioned

in my fucking non-sleep. So I just went, Limbo Unhinged. And he went, oh, that's meant to be amazing. It's meant to be amazing. Can you get me some tickets?

So I just said, yes. So now you have to buy a street dresser ticket too. Took took his name took his name and his email address and i've sent him an email saying they're sold out i've got an adelaide uber driver's email address and we're in contact you didn't just ignore him he didn't just go, oops. No,

I kind of thought it was polite to reply. I mean, we're on a star system now. I don't want to be fucking rated negatively for not pulling in on my promise. Yeah, right. No,

it was a beautiful moment. And then, like, fucking 8am, got to bed, had to wake up at 11. It worked me out for a couple of days. It was a funny night.

I love that you committed to a lie with an Uber driver and it will point you at that act on it. There was no pressure. There was no pressure there was no pressure there's some name fuck on one of the podcasts

with Gareth Warren he mentioned something happened in Altitude Festival that I don't know what the facts were but he thinks you were involved

but can't confirm it was something to do with him going into the cubicle and it's like he had this I think it was in one of the muggle corners where he was talking about you can't shit when people are listening like he doesn't

like sure sure sure i think he let out like a big raspy fart while he was in the cubicle and you somebody commented on it through the cubicle wall and started like uh compliment him on his fart or some shit i don't think that was me and And he was like, I'm saying it was Sam from a band of mine. I mean, I'll be frank. The best, the best toilet story from altitude that I have is myself and sloss, uh,

in, in, uh, Scotland yard, big pub where everyone goes drinking. We were fucked one night. I think we should have pissed. We're just having a good time.

Roll down to the festival, roll down to the toilet together. Uh, um, I've, I'd say the toilet doors there are based mostly on graffiti i don't think there's any official signage down there in those toilets it's pretty much wavy lines and fucking spray paint we looked into one

and the toilet was busy we're just like oh the fucking two cubicles in here no problem we're both doing shits uh we got in kegs down having a bit of fucking poo chat the next voice we hear is very female it's multiple females coming in oh no and myself and you got it wrong daniel had set up shop in the ladies toilet but we don't don't forget for them that there's no alternative to the cubicles there's i mean they have to wait for the sinks and the two fucking johnnies that myself and him are in so they're queuing for toilets so they're now queuing they hear our voices because we're gleefully talking about what's happening downstairs we're doing the blow by blow and this woman goes what the fuck are you doing in here and she's angry she's angry but by this point mid shit there's no get out of jail free card

with it and she's already heard the bit of the fucking commentary that's going on. So we just ride it out with a few audience members in. Did you? You probably could have scored a few wet wipes. Actually, girls normally carry makeup wipes and stuff in their bag.

You could have probably been getting... No, it was official. Can he talk? I've never... Never seen two more sheepish men roll out of those fucking toilets. But I mean,

I've a few lovely times with Gareth at that festival. I might have been fucked. I wish I remember the story. That may that festival. I might have been fucked. I wish I remember the story. That may be wrong. That may be fake news. But something happened where Gareth thought it was you

and I wish I'd fucking done my research before I brought it up. I mean, my non-fake news analogy was being walked in whilst I was having times with a lovely lady being walked in on my room by a fucking random member of the public so what

while we were while we were engaged and this was brilliant because we'd not long since spoken about when a stranger naked walked into my room which episode five stranger danger of the podcast if you want to know the backstory of that called episode five uh so we'd already talked about and then somebody walked into your room so i walked into my room the it's a lovely hotel stress hotel it's set up it's beautiful beautiful rooms beautiful rooms but identical layout on every floor that's a crucial thing to remember other crucial thing is that the doors were hard to close i mean i've given two spoiler alerts i've kind of ruined the story i've been there having a lovely time and you know very tenderly enjoying the festival

and my door fucking bounces open like NYPD bottom of the foot job fucking smashes in and this guy's in my room looks at me in bed and my lovely person at the time goes

who the fuck are you who the fuck are you who the fuck are you and I go dude dude dude dude you have to chill you have to chill this is my room he goes

no it's my fucking room get out of my fucking room you cunt get out and this is quite real I'm not going to be so angry in the Alps it's just a real place

it's a lovely festival there's fairy lights everywhere yeah it's fucking Christmas man place it's a lovely festival there's fairy lights everywhere it's fucking Christmas man it's snowing gently so I'm pretty I'm pretty frightened I've never been I've never been

start bollock naked and been accosted in that way before it's quite primal it feels quite caveman like to be having your fucking territory challenged when you're cocking balls out so my line was this is my room mate this is my room, mate.

This is my room. All your equipment everywhere, all your sound gear and your cables. You can see in here this fucking tiny little leprechaun keyboard. That is a tiny leprechaun keyboard. It's like a tie. It's like a clip-on tie.

That's how small that keyboard is. Which is what, for at festivals, what we write with during the day to keep stuff going. So I say to the guy This guy is fucking Going off at me And I go

Mate, mate, mate Look at that tiny little keyboard over there This is my room That's not yours This is my room His next line Fucking killed me It was funny

At the time he goes Why have you brought Your tiny keyboard into my room? You just couldn't Couldn't contest You fucking laid down some carbs while you're burgling exactly

lay down some carbs so you can put like the creeping noise off the pink panther do do do do do do so all of this

fucking like I'm losing now I'm worried because I go it's my first instinct I don't think I'm the fucking most macho man you ever met

I'm quite protective of this woman at this time because I'm like this is she was actually closer to the door as well so either using her as a fucking shield or it was a protective moment

I don't know this is all happening my final line I've got one more place to take this before he fucking punches me in the face so I go mate mate mate this is room 28

28 and I hear a voice I haven't heard so far yet in this drama which is his mate standing behind him who isn't quite as confident because he's not in the room yet. He's not fucking confident or his piss is, mate. And he goes, oh, oh, mate, our room's 38, 38, 38, 38.

And I go, mate, listen to your friend. You go back to your room. Your room is 38. This is 28. Get out of my room. And he fucking effing and jeffing. He's swearing. He's fucking pissed off.

Slams the door so am I right to think 28, 38 you just heard angry footsteps I heard angry footsteps I heard the door slam and I heard furniture being fucking manoeuvred upstairs

so I'd say that the romance is killed by this point now it's actually been a home invasion had you finished what is post-coital mid-coital

I think we took a break I think we took a break and laughed about it for a bit but then there was definitely something to be watched afterwards and this would have all been funny enough

it would have been a fucking decent enough story until the next day when we're doing the Appre Ski gig, guess who Rob inadvertently brings onto stage to take part in our first song a man from room 38 and we got to tell the entire crowd and in front of him rob goes do you recognize this man over here do you recognize sam and we got to

tell everyone the fucking story right yes you got it you got to play it back did he have any remorse was he embarrassed was he uh no he was there's no idea if he if he's listening to this and he's a fan of yours i have a big respect to you get out the fucking right floor they live you fucking dove guys um so fucking there Andy, I have a big respect to you. Fucking muggle. He's not one of us. Fucking muggle. Get out the fucking right floor of the lift, you fucking daft cunt. So, fucking on the way back from that night, the night we had,

I actually got put in an Uber because I was fucking doing it at seven o'clock. I couldn't get my phone working. I was trying to, I think my phone was fine. I just put it in an Uber. My Uber driver is going to limbo next week. Rory Law put us in an Uber

and he made sure I was on my way safe and all that fucking. I fell asleep in the Uber. I get back in and I just stumbled straight into Dan Willis' room. I'm staying with Dan Willis

and Kerry Marks. I stumbled in and launched myself onto the bed, realised fucking Dan Willis is in it, so I'm confused that Dan Willis is in my bed.

I'm in the wrong room. Put an army to the side of him and he's lying on his back and he just woke up to me just looming over him. Right? And you know when you've

had a night out on the drink you get snapshots, like images, like snapshots of what happened. You don't get like full clips of what happened. You just get like a little bit. All I can remember

is fear in his eyes like he was going to die. Like he was like, he was like, this is the end of my life. And then he just went, what the fuck you're doing i think he would have been mad if he didn't have the moment of realization where he wasn't going to die yeah but you pressing him down to the floor but he loved he loved that uh conversation the

next day that was his anecdote for a few days like i really really enjoyed that it was a good night i mean that's that's I feel like that's taken a fucking very long time to tell that one story it's been a narrative this podcast had a narrative

who knew there's some things we wanted to talk about too should we just overrun should we break the format I don't want to bore anyone I mean I'm fucking I know Kareem's gonna be annoyed

we're gonna talk again right we're gonna talk in Melbourne yeah we'll talk again I started talking about something earlier that you wanted to discuss in full, but it'll be better after the fact. After the fact,

because we need some fucking first-hand knowledge from you. We need to see someone who's good. Let's cover it lightly. I've booked myself in for a colonic irrigation. Teaser. Teaser, a little teaser for you. Coming out March late 2017. This is a trailer

you'll see this news Sam's very intrigued by it but it's pointless for me to discuss it now because I don't have any data it's fucking pure conjecture you know whereas after the

after the clonic I'm gonna be equipped we'll all go for one in Melbourne get all the fucking boys fuck I'm just gonna get addicted to them on fucking three a day

the fucking cleanest intestines in the west yeah loving it let's do these fucking muggles uh right so damn what what i what i usually do is um when we've got a guest on the podcast we'll ask the guest to describe to the audience any first-time listeners what a muggle is great what's your interpretation happy to do so i think you hit upon something especially

with these fucking muggles i remember where i I was. I was telling you this the other day. First time I listened to this show. The best description I've heard from you is the fucking blank sim. It's the fucking starter sim that you get in that fucking kitchen. They've got no attributes. They've got no thoughts. They've got no... Default character 307 that you're talking about your DJ.

They've got no fucking levels of consciousness. Everything is one thing there's a fucking layer them who what they say out loud is what they're thinking there's no fucking intrigue there's no there's no mystery and there's no fucking humor really and any quotes and jokes are stuff they've absorbed yeah and i regret anything they're funny they're regurgitating any fad they follow they've already seen on fucking facebook any every fucking holiday they go on is informed by some fucking bullshit thomas cook fucking thing they've seen in the street yeah brain power to fucking calculate how shite that holiday is going to be because they've got no one

good with them because they're not good themselves yeah and like um one disclaimer i would like to put on this is we do muggle things too you all do muggle things not not one of you is going to get away from every episode unscathed 100% but you've just got to avoid being all of it

100% and there's fucking layers to this and ultimately muggles can be very happy that's my other thing is that I'm actually fucking jealous

there's an element of jealousy of people who are living their life head in the sand at one tempo fucking they wake up they go and sleep,

everything's very easy, their brain's not as scary as a place where you're not because... You get your routine going and you put on fast forward. Fucking Monday to Friday, man. Fucking 9 to 5.

2.4 children. Yeah, fucking nuclear family. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. And actually, there's something to be fucking commended about it,

yet the things that annoy you in this world are things to be fucking celebrated and that's why i think this is a good feature i think that's why it's taken when we were talking about you were saying you get it you get endorphin release when you're listening to some of the muggle yeah yeah when you it's like we were saying it's like with fucking good old i'm not even gonna call it muggly fucking route one observational stand-up but the reason that thing kills in arenas is because rumors of people are going i identify with that yeah this is my under the niche fucking radar observational wembley arena filling stand-up that you guys do is these muggle corners because when you're walking around going the world is fucking shit isn't it and you you hear someone go

this is shit i've noticed it you go yeah too fucking right you've noticed it and now it's not so shit anymore no it's not fucking not so shit. I mean, every time we see it. Because there isn't an element of loneliness to the notice and the shit stuff. Exactly, exactly. I mean, this has been

fucking deep, hasn't it? Yeah. So I'll kick off with something that's muggly. I think Stag and Hen parties that do traditional pseudo fun things like having a blow up doll

or, get this, a blow up sheep. Oh, what's he like? Show off his getting hitched. And the ball and chain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The costume. Or perhaps having L-plates on your back.

I mean, sashes. Just fucking sashes. A sash. A sash is the scourge of the muggles. A sash is the fucking... Oh, it's like a muggle pageant. It's like you've won a muggle pageant You've got your stash on

Muggle pageant I mean that's what I mean Every time I see these fucking cunts again I'll go Oh fucking muggle pageant And look who won Look who won this year And they're always

Oh they're often My thing with those fucking stag and hens Is I feel you're often seeing people On their second marriage Because everyone's fucking old as those fucking stag and hens is i feel you're often seeing people on their second marriage because everyone's fucking old as fuck yeah all the fucking hens all the hens have had kids and they're fucking sashed up to fuck they've all got it going pink and black is the color scheme fuzzy little i mean i don't know sexy sharon fris Frisky Fiona. Sad Sharon. Sad, sad Sharon. Sad Sharon. I mean, I don't know.

I think, I feel like you boys had a very good stag event in Dam. Is that right? Well, we do pseudo stag events. Like on purpose, we do parodies of these. That's what the Jeff T-shirt was. I was thinking of the Jeff T-shirt. That is a nice. But that.

Because we are laying on thick with a big fucking adhesive of irony, the stag party culture, when we do this. Because every bit of it, right, which is quite endearing in a way, every bit of it, like given fucking Trevise blow-up doll that he's got to carry everywhere,

that's something that's going to get his group attention. And these people that have been fucking living these dull, hard lives a lot of the time, and fucking, I'm sure, they're lovely and these people that have been like fucking living these dull hard lives a lot of the time and fucking I'm sure they're lovely people right

but they've been living this dull life all of a sudden they're going out they've broke their routine they've got this blow up doll

that's going to attract a little bit of attention they look a little bit different to the normal group of lads that are wearing

that fucking holstered four shirts they'll get a free round of shots in the shittest place they go to

because it drives fucking business up you want these fucking muggles in your business. It's like an interaction piece. Oh, they're going to see him with that. Hey, do you know one thing you can do? This is muggly in a way because it's

done in that respect, but it's actually fucking next level. At least if you're going to do something like this. You can hire a little person, a dwarf, and get them handcuffed to your stag for the party i mean i mean i mean it's it's not that's a level up right it's not muggly it's another thing i mean that's it's the same thing though but it's but this is like look if you're gonna do that do it properly

motherfucker if you're gonna get a plastic ball and chain make it a sentient being my my thing for that is, how are you relating to that person on the day? So you obviously, there's an element of the fucking, you know, there's an element, everyone knows what they're there for.

You've got this, and I don't know the correct term. Can we agree on one for this person we've invited to the stag party? Can we use Kerry Marx's term? Yeah. Kerry Marx's is, I've heard this,

this is really funny. He does a bit on stage he says we should call them because he's his whole thing is little people's conspicuous yeah like little person means child i slept with a little person yeah yeah so he's there he says let's use short normal people it says everything you want to say or schnople that's kerry kerry who i live with kerry marx i'm doing best of british Big respect to Kerry Marks He's labelled him schnorples For the sake of this Let's call it a schnorple

Okay so You've invited the schnorple I think Presumably you're already a bit fucked By the time the schnorple Gets to your gaff Like he's invited over He wakes up in the morning

Has his bowl of cornflakes And goes This is not the fucking long day At the office Surely the schnorple is going Another group of fucking muggles Who I have to Fucking listen to their shite chat

You have to rely on them their shite chat toilet breaks oh god oh and we dwarf need to piss snorkel we snorkel we snorkel we teeth thing oh no

oh no we snorkel we snorkels getting laid you're just fucking just sitting by the side of someone's bed just like some girl's bed while your schnopple gets laid

the worst the worst send off into marriage the fucking third wheel of schnopple hook up I mean so yeah

the thing is as you know if you ever if you're having a big night and you're taking a long taxi journey with someone you're already pretty fired up. You can establish a nice relationship with this taxi dude, with your crew of mates. Yeah, get their email address.

Fuck you. Fuck you. It's like the hangover. They can be embroiled into the story. With your schnorple mate, are you staying in touch? Are you going to be friends on Facebook afterwards with this dude? Oh, but how many friends does he end up making like that? Like if he's doing like three or four week stag parties.

Fuck, man, this guy's got some life. I mean, but are they friends? I mean, you've got to have that side of your personality, Wade. Please, can you try it? And I don't know how this will work. If you can find a schnorpel who does this to come and do not even for a stag party just for a fucking

nice meal or something we'll just kind of give him a break right we'll fucking hire a schnorpel we'll have him for schnorpel we'll do yeah go into some like

we'll fucking I tell you what we'll give it like a wine and dine in yeah fucking go careful iron that out before we invite him round

we'll take him bowling cinema meal I mean what else can we do with him laser quest I couldn't go bowling because you need your arms unless like

I'm left handed I could get a right handed schnopple we could go bowling fuck so they could bowl with each hand should we do it I mean I think it really needs ground work

as an experiment like you need to be like sure you're on the right side of the law but like treat him like a queen

treat him like a king standards yeah let's give him a nice time yeah okay we'll give him a nice time

so we've agreed fucking root one stag and hen party yeah fucking muggle look if you're gonna do something get a schnobble

rent yourself a fucking schnobble and wine and dine him or look if you're gonna do something get a schnurple rent yourself a fucking schnurple and wine and dine him or her first fuck the L plates actually get a driving instructor get a fire and driving instructor fuck the L plates

so you're rolling now with your own driving instructor your own schnurple you've banned the blow up dolls and it's just a it's just a right nice fucking social experiment now it's a good night nice fucking social experiment now.

It's a good night out. Right. So if you're committing to any of the fucking traditional stag and hen party things you don't deserve to get married. That's getting mad at you.

You should be in the corner. Go and see if I was in the corner. Fucking muggle. Give yourself a fucking I'm sorry for calling a schnople it. I mean yeah.

I didn't mean it. I really hope we haven't fucked that one up. I mean we haven really hope we haven't fucked that one up I mean we haven't we haven't you did a little bit you did a little bit

by calling saying treat me like a queen that was that was a misstep you know what I can't I might get treated like a queen

now and again I mean fair enough it's your new routine we'll fucking come back to the colonic that's for later that's for later

you just want to get treated like a lady okay in the fucking corner I mean I'm sure we'll probably all do it, so you get carried

away with the rush of it, don't you, on those sort of events. Yeah. Someone pulls out a blow-up

doll. I mean, I haven't really interacted with one of them very much. Probably have not. Just fucking

get right in the middle. Feel you. Fucking, bring it with me to the corner. Stanley, kiss it.

Okay. He's got a punch out of his mouth, I think, Stanley. He's trying to pull it back up. Okay, this is mine

this is my first one I feel we briefly touched on this the other day moguls take their allocated seats in the cinema potentially after

the film has begun now let me just explain this because we fucking briefly dipped into this cinemas have now

started allocating seats. Is that fair to say? I don't know when this happened in the last five or six years. Back in the day, you go to cinema, you sit where you want. Yeah. It's free for all.

It's free choice. Pro-choice world. You fucking sit where you want. It's like going to a Fringe gig. Everyone's fucking happy. If it's a fucking big film, you turn up early. If you want to get good seats, you turn up early. Now, the fucking choice is coming in.

You're given these labelled seats. This happened to me the other day. It fucking really pissed me off. Actually, this happened to me lots of times. This is why it fucking piqued my interest for this. I was watching The Babadook in the cinema a couple of years ago in London. Lovely little movie. I was with my girlfriend at the time.

We were given these fucking shit seats, whatever. We sat in some nice seats. Ten minutes after the movie started two fucking asshole girls come in and go oh sorry you're in our seats

mid film mid film that ain't for me that ain't for me was that loads of space too loads of fucking space so they could sit like they could sit anywhere

without even being near you anywhere they wanted to in the cinema and for some fucking perverse reason they thought, these are our seats. Let's take these seats. Oh, that's such a muggle thing.

It's so... To just say, this is what I've got. This is me and it's got to be exactly how I've got it. I went, your first problem is not seats.

You've missed the start of the fucking movie. You should be asking me to explain what's happened to you because you've missed some fucking serious plot. Don't worry about your fucking geography in the cinema.

Like, fuck off. My girlfriend and me moved. Moved seats. It happened again and that's not a joke. Oh, no, you got double muggled. It happened again. Double muggled

in one fucking film. Moved to... Now she's angry. She never even wanted to watch the Babadook. Moved to the back of the cinema and these other fucking people are chatting all the way

through the film. I'm fucking stewing. I don't know what your feeling is on this. Chatting in the cinema. It these other fucking people are chatting all the way through the film i'm fucking stewing i don't know what your feelings on this i mean chatting in the cinema it's like chatting at a gig people think they can chat at a gig and i was like we wouldn't do it at the cinema turns out people do shockingly bad i'm stewing fucking stevie bennett i'm stewing in the corner 20 minutes before the end of the movie you just slap that popcorn out of a hand no right so i'm waiting and i'm going right let's let's question the gender roles in this story. I feel like as the man, for better or for worse, I should have told these girls,

please be quiet. You're ruining the movie for me. It's fucking out of order. Was it the girls that took their seats back that were talking? Different girls, different girls. There were so many cunting muggles in this cinema, I could not tell you.

For a fucking reasonably art house film as well, that was what surprised me. But there you these girls start chatting i'm thinking i should chat to them 35 minutes after the chat starters my girlfriend reaches over from me so she's she's fucking jumping over me in the game and says to the girls can you be quiet you're ruining the movie shut up you're ruining the movie for everyone shut Shut up, she sounded like Stormzy. She was the most dumb Stormzy I've ever heard. And now I'm sitting there and I'm stewing even harder because I was annoyed, but I should have acted. She had to jump over my square on the chessboard

to fucking interrupt herself. I didn't even want to see the movie in the first place and she's been moved twice. And none of this would have fucking happened if we stayed in the fucking seats we sat in at the beginning. Because these, I don't know, I don't know if you've ever had this happen before.

It's alright, I get it for IMAX premieres, shit like that. Fucking, when it's a big movie, yeah, buy your seats online, choose on the map,

sit where you want. Brilliant. Not turn up at the fucking cinema. I think I'm in this position where if that happened, I would be inclined to just go, I'll just sit anywhere. You would just use,

I think so i are there's loads of seats like just pick one yeah i feel that way like i'm a bit like that do you think do you think i was the fucking muggle for taking it on the chin no no i think that's i mean i think i'm i'm probably wrong to act like that it's probably it's probably social misconduct and un-british to not just go like suck it up and move on but I've got a bit of a disdain for that sort of thing even when there's like

a numbered car park right that's not going to be one of the car park I'll just be like oh it's a free-for-all then like fucking park anywhere you don't need to be

a fucking number every space is available I'm trying to go am I a fucking muggle because that would piss me off if you were in my space in a car park in a for some every space is available. I'm trying to go, am I a fucking muggle? Because that would piss me off if you were in my space. In a car park. For some,

I don't know, how fucking regularly am I using this car park? Someone fucking stabbed my tires for using their fucking numbered space in an empty car park. This was my car park for me flat

when I lived in Ashford. Right, right, right, okay. I mean, I don't fucking know, man. I mean, that guy's dead now, I'll just let you know. Rest in peace peace my friend

my friend Stabby McTires he's been what was worth it it was fucking worth it yeah so that's my thing I mean I'm not gonna bring it to that

because that's more real scenario but for me if you allocate the seats on the fucking day just chill out in the cinema just don't sit too close to anyone like a fucking weirdo

like my thing is some people choose the premiere seats too and I just go and get one yeah just chill out in the cinema and just don't sit too close to anyone like a fucking weirdo like my thing is some people choose the premiere seats too and I just go and get one yeah steal it as we were talking about before

you know that there's now a fucking watchdog who come into the cinema right before the film starts in his fucking cinema waistcoat and if they haven't sold any premium seats he'll fucking eject people I've seen that as well oh man

I'd love that job you know what I would do if that was my job I'd go to the cinema probably fucking stand in the corridor send some texts come back out and go

it's fine I would just see that as a skive I'd watch a bit of the movie yeah we're gonna come and just push me glasses up with me middle finger like

sir sir to me boss sir sir there's 13 people in the premier seats and there's only 7 people bought tickets sir sir fucking tug boss sir sir there's 13 people in the premier seats and there's only 7 people

bought tickets sir sir fucking tugging on his fucking sleeve fuck off serve the fucking popcorn when did you become

a fucking bounty hunter come on fucking sleeve sleeve to the man what do you want to make Mr. Odie in a millionaire day the promotion doesn't count

it's in the fucking cinema shut the fuck up fuck just walk in just walk in there, hire yourself five minutes of respect. Fucking no bed. So yeah, fucking sit in the cinema when you sit.

I feel like I tangented off of that into a personal story. Yeah, and it is. I'm in full agreement. Look, if it's busy and you fucking, you come in, the last trailer's on, because sometimes there's a little bit of a pain in the arse like getting there from traffic

and you miss the start everyone's missed the start of a movie but if you get in and there's someone in your seats but there's fucking rammed I mean that person

should have realised it was filling up and then found their seats at that point if you were sat there and everybody was sitting in seats apart from you and you had your tickets

and you were like it's only a matter of time before someone looks for these ones fucking battleships on a train someone will come and go this is my seat and i'm like oh well it's pretty empty at the minute i'll come i'll shift yeah okay fine fucking that's a proper example that's where fucking reserve seats there's good i think there's good etiquette on the trains we don't need it in cinema let's get in the fucking corner yes Yes. How are we doing for time? We have done over an hour already.

Oh, God. I'm going to say we'll do one more local corner each. Yeah, okay. We'll spaff out some dad jokes. Okay. Fuck, this has been fun though, man.

It's been fun being on. I hope anyone cared about our long night. I feel that night took overly precedence over what we did. No, it was good. The tangents were great. I'm going to enjoy listening back were doing. It was good. The tangents were great. I'm going to enjoy

listening back to it. This was good. Sometimes, like, so many fun things happen that, like, it's nice to have

another record, you know? It's great for Stanley to listen back to as well. You on the launch pad in two hours' time. Yeah. I've been waiting

to see you there. All right, so these two. I'm going to go with this one, right? People that, this happens quite a bit at festivals.

Sometimes in the artist bars, sometimes in the music festivals. But when people come up and like, oh, have you got any back hair or skins? And they're looking for rolling equipment. And you go, no, but I've got a cigarette. And they're like, nah, it's fine. Right? Like, I get it if you're rolling a spliff, right? And you need skins.

Sure, sure, sure. Sure. Never before has the phrase beggars cannot be fucking muggles been more appropriate oh beggars can be muggles beggars cannot be fucking choosy muggle pricks take a cigarette that's such a generous gesture for you to give them a fucking it's better those fucking tabs are limited it's better there's no work you're only buying back because you're skimmed yeah poor life choices before coming to the festival. Fucking broke yourself for paying for a fucking ticket.

You fucking spent all your backy money on posters. Fucking paid for the camping stove. So at the corner, like, oh, you got any backy? And then you give them a cigarette. Because even if they wanted for a spliff, right? You can fucking dismantle a cigarette joint. But when people fucking take... I had a fucking homeless guy

ask us for money once. Now, this was walking from, walking from the car park to the hotel, right? I'd packed a lunch because I was driving to Leeds and I thought, I might want some lunch

on the way to Leeds. I got all the way to Leeds without using my lunch. I had this chicken salad in my bag, right? It was just one of the fucking Marks and Spencers ones from one of the garages.

And this guy went, have you got any money on you? I didn't have any money on us. And I was like I don't but I won't be using this if you can make use of it not for my meal

right it's a fucking chicken salad I won't be using it that's a weird way to say it well I got yeah I won't be using this I won't be using this

for the purpose for the purpose it was built for you'll be using this for my daily plan I won't be I won't be initiating this yeah yeah so I thought of me did I because I was

I was at the venue like I would have been able to get a bite to eat at the venue and stuff and I was checking into the hotel so I thought of me chicken salad

and he took one look and he went nah it's alright he just denied the food don't like mayo I mean you know what he made me a vegetarian I think that would be the only good way of doing it but denied the food. Don't like mayo. I mean, you know what? He might have been a vegetarian.

I think that would be the only good way of doing it. But can you... With a homeless guy, to turn down the offer of a meal was quite weird. Do you think that you stick to your vegetarian ethics if you're homeless? I think it would be difficult. Hard to, man, because... I don't know.

Again, this almost feels like a schnore. I don't know. I think that's the poor decision-making. If you do, I think there's a point where you go into survival mode. I mean, you have to go, my problems are worse than those of the animals. By this point, in your fucking league table of issues that are concerning you.

Yeah, me staying alive. Even me staying comfortable. Me staying comfortable is worth the life of a chicken sandwich that's already dead uh that's that's very funny i fucking totally agree with you that's happened to me three times this festival that's not a joke where people have denied your cigarettes yeah also ah no i mean this is what do you think about this when people go can i have a sit you know people nicely ask you for a cigarette and they go, how much do you want for it?

That, for me, I always think, you fucking know I'm going to give it to you for free. It's a hollow gesture. It's a hollow, almost just go, let's both partake in this in the way that we're going to end up doing it, which is just be really thankful, and I'll give you a fucking cigarette. I'm not going to go, can I have a quid?

It's just not an emotion. That's not an energy that I'm going to engage in. At a festival, that's not going to go can I have a quid it's just not an emotion that's not an energy that I'm going to engage in at a festival that's not going to be you know that's not going to be my fucking mindset that's not

yeah you don't want you don't want a dollar or a dollar for a cigarette well I'm not going to start with the fucking vending machine rolling the thing however it would be nice if it was just like

the done thing that people took the dollar yeah you know if it was across the board in all of the grey area that was took out, I would be much happier

bumming a cigarette if I could say, hey, dollar for a cigarette, right? And people are getting redeemed for it. But the reason I don't say I'll give you a dollar

for a cigarette is because I know it looks like, hey, shine it up and buy yourself something nice. A wise guy.

Fucking prohibition era. Working under the table. Just flick the penny with your thumb fucking hate it yeah can we quickly put that in the corner

happy to do it man as I said it happened to me three times this time not into it one more very

quick one before we do it roll yourself a cigarette in the corner yeah roll yourself a fucking take your

kid to the corner this is mine I don't know what your feelings are on this this is a real grey area one

people who post those friendship anniversary videos publicly on Facebook if it's not funny yeah oh man sometimes because you get tagged

into the same thing you get like tagged into a charity photo at some point in 2009 right it'll be like somebody's doing a benefit like lip sync battles

or something and you get tagged into it but so does your friend because they want you to share it and they'll go your friendship and it'll just show you this picture of a lip sync battle advert so my thing is these it's these new videos they started doing about a year ago which uh they'll they'll give you a they'll say you and you and james have been facebook friends for seven years and there'll be some emotional fucking guitar led newton falconer music in the background and it'll show you a photo montage of your friendship right

hilarious to share with that friend yeah if i get these and they're good i'll send them to my mate i'll you know if i can send them a message inbox only yeah i'll go inbox i'll go mate this fucking do it with a you know i'll say i'll say oh they look at this or even actually it's happened generally i'll go to some of my oldest and dearest friends i go it's really made me smile fucking hilarious like do you remember that time like that's beautiful don't post that shit publicly because no one else fucking cares about it no one cares about your joint memories as i say if it's if it's hilarious if there's a few stellar snaps in that that you go this is brilliant otherwise just keep it to yourself you've got to think of the degrees of separation between all of your friends like my sister's boyfriend

couldn't give a fuck about my friendship thing with someone i met at the edinburgh festival you know he doesn't know that person so what the fuck's it going to do with him right and just like any any degrees of separation in either direction like that your friendship is boring as fuck to them and it's fucking alienating me watching that as opposed to he doesn't care about that i'm gonna like you less after sitting through that video sound on or sound off even i see it start to fucking play on my timeline it'll piss me off and that's why you keep it blank facebook's interesting you've covered this a lot on the podcast like what what's its purpose what does it serve is it a window into your life is it a journal for showing off is it a journal is it a way to reach out it can be all these things but what it doesn't need to be

is a sentimental wank bank for you and your friends shit photos do you know what I mean like fuck off I'll let you I don't know

it bemuses me sentimental wank bank I fucking love it do you know what I mean get in the corner get in the fucking corner get in the fucking corner get in the fucking corner

get your friend get your friend owned stand in the corner take a fucking photo and in five years time don't put it on Facebook reminisce about how fucking corner. They've got to stand in the corner. Get your friend. Get your friend around. Stand in the corner, take a fucking photo and in five years time don't put it on Facebook. Reminisce about how good a time you've had to give out

over the last seven years on Facebook. Fucking balance. Fucking muggles. So just a quick wrap up. You're a muggle if you take traditional stag and hen stuff

on your stag parties or hen parties. You're also a muggle if you try to bump back and then turn down a cigarette. What the fuck? You're a muggle if you try to bump back and then turn down a cigarette what the fuck you're a muggle if you fucking take your allocated seat in the cinema once the film started or don't have any fucking charm about that process the fact that they're interrupting you interrupting the movie fucking movie i'll go i'm seeing this for the first time now i've got

director's commentary from two late fucking pricks coming in. And also you're a fucking muggle if you post those corny, cheesy Facebook friend anniversary videos as public. Keep them private. Keep your shop front clear. Don't put any fucking old stock on there. I don't want to see it. Yes, I think that one might have been slightly covered before, but it was nice to have a new angle on it. Sorry, that's my bad. I don't apologise.

Because this is something that's going to happen. Stanley's brought in topics that have been put in before but i like to just roll with it because i'm like i know what me and daniel got to say about this but let's see what this guy's got to say about it okay well that's my that's me is my brain whoops sorry about that this takes us oh look at this we're doing overtime it's past our bedtime um we are gonna we are gonna slaughter each other's fucking dads right now i'm gonna going to fucking take on the task. I mean, you've got a real first-timer in the ringer doing this. I just thought of my dad for a minute. It made me sad.

No, no, no, no. Get the picture of your dad right at the forefront of your head, because what I'm saying next is about your dad. This ain't no hypothetical dad shit. This is about Mr. Wilson. Mr. Wilson. I owe him a FaceTime call

I'm literally sacking him off to have this fucking brutal onslaught of his personality your dad stops to watch street

performers for about a minute and then walks off on a namad doesn't even give them a chance to

see your dad's karaoke song is the crazy frog oh that was it my laugh was like the chorus chance to see your dad's karaoke song is the crazy frog your dad smells his own fingers after opening his

ass the routine your dad set up ALS ice bucket challenge day at his school in a vein and morally bereft attempt to

engineer a year 11 wet t-shirt contest. Another one! Another one! Do it in Charlotte. All for a good cause. Your dad goggles his soup, swills it around in his mouth and then spits it into his coffee. Your dad's too short to ride the rollercoaster.

Your dad pulls on a high-vis vest and walks purposefully around festival car parks to give himself a sense of importance. Shades on. Fucking moggle. He glares at people from a mid-distance. Oh, God. Your dad sporting a long beard as razor blades have been banned in the house

since his last birthday Since the event Since the incident in the bathtub We don't talk about it When the ambulance was called This one goes over two pages Jesus fucking Only because I'm on the bottom line of one page

Your dad puts ten pound notes down the back of his couch so that when he loses his phone it gives him a nice little pick-me-up when he's looking for it. Smart man! Smart fella! You're going to start doing that. I'm going to do it here. I'm only here for one more day.

The apple doesn't fall far from the Wilson tree. Good man. Your dad's suggested for you on Netflix consists of two series of Pokemon in every single paedophile documentary. It's a paedophile documentary. It's loads. It's loads.

Apple doesn't pop up on the tree. There's enough of them, man. There's enough of them. When your dad travels alone, he likes to check in early for his flight to secure the middle seat. Your dad's a druid he goes chanting at Stonehenge every year

he fills a pebble oh man when your dad remisses about the good old days he means when he still used to breastfeed on that subject on that subject about the good old days he means when he still used to breastfeed. On that subject,

your dad dresses up as a woman and buys the morning after pill in an attempt to appear sexual and spontaneous. I'm not fooling anyone. Your dad still uses the underwear section of the Littlewoods catalogue as porn. Your dad votes in the Walker's new wacky crisp flavour competitions. Oh, I wish I... Your dad stands on the yellow pages to kiss your mum.

Not far off And he can't get on a rollercoaster Your mum's just a giant Fucking Norse goddess Your dad publishes his daily step count on Facebook Your dad made a cross stitch of the quote.

If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be sweet and wipe the seat and he put it up in his bathroom. Morgan. Standing on his

fucking yellow pants. Yellow pants, he's seeking piss. I think I've only got one more. That's it.

Ten for ten. Yeah. Your dad invited you to Tinder social. I'm going to take that. 10 for 10 yeah your dad invited you to tinder social that takes us to a record breaking one hour 16 minutes sorry

sorry everyone more than that sorry everyone don't apologise I actually got an inbox of someone going why do they have to just be an hour

so somebody Wayne Beeney the window cleaner good man he purves on me mum he cleans me mam's windows and he sometimes sees her in the room

you wanted longer podcasts get him on the fucking podcast when he's perving on me mam that guy's gonna have some observations when he pervs on me mam he likes to hear our son in his ears

when he's cock holding this guy's made some weird choices Wayne Beanie love it thanks for having me mam this one's for you Wayne so it's long

lots of love Wayne so that concludes the podcast fucking little plugs what we're gonna do let's take this over the 20 minute mark one hour 20

let's plug whatever shit we've got going on little plug we just finished Adelaide myself and Rob aka Abandoned Man got Melbourne for a very first time

we've never been out there before a show live from Rhymes where Muggins will also be and so will Cream so will Cream so will cream everyone will be there i've spoken cream about getting you on a podcast when it's me him and you so let's do fucking colonic chat uh and for the rest of the weeks up to then traveling with my band anna meredith listen to her music spotify anna meredith two words over to the states to south

by southwest new y York LA a few places so you've got any fucking cool listeners in the good part of the world I've got listeners in the Americas search Anna Meredith for doing gigs

New York LA San Diego Texas and Knoxville next couple of weeks so if you fancy coming along here's some weird freaky music

with me hitting some drums that would be this is Sam's journey Sam is going to fly back to the UK for what eight hours eight hours and then fly to New York

and then fly to LA do 2 weeks fly back to the UK and that same day fly to Melbourne so that's a man who does not plan his fucking

plane journeys properly you know what he didn't need to go to the UK both times love it but either of those legs can't fucking stay away he just

squeezed it in a tight squeeze but he squeezed it in a fucking tour of America I will be fucked when I see you next but I should look forward to this man

you're gonna have a colour for a few weeks man I'm looking forward to the catch up so if I'm gonna plug some shit I've got two more solo shows in Adelaide I'm doing Wednesdays

at 8.45 it's very funny it's very funny certified assured front row we didn't need to laugh but we did it's funny

so if you'd like to come to that five star award winning show it is on uh 8 45 in pj o'brien's artist bar opposite the garden of unearthly delights 8 45 on a wednesday if you know anyone in adelaide tell them if you are in adelaide come along i am wrangling a crowd right now and um i'd love to see you there otherwise i'll see you in melbourne the same names that would make a fucking full day of it in Melbourne couldn't they they could come see a band of mine come see me come see Cream Melbourne it's going down if you're in Melbourne

we're coming your way if you are not in either of those places if you're not in anywhere I'm going to be you can now download my show from www.kaihumphreys.com £5 and you will receive an email with the downloadable link on immediately

and it might be in your spam folder check that just check the spam folder before you start giving us grief quality assured but yeah

that's just 5 bucks and you get my full fucking life's work mate fucking bargain so it's worth do it bye guys bye

Muggins out Bandersam out see you on the flip side later