Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.7 High and Live

Episode Date: October 21, 2018

Who's idea was this? By some twist of events, Muggins and Cream end up on the top floor of Soho House members club, Amsterdam, performing a live podcast to members who neither listen to the podcast nor know what they're coming to see. The boys are high, the boys are out of their depth, they're nerveous, yet they talk as much shit as they always would. This time being judged by Dutch strangers while high. 

hola we've just had our first live podcast I know it's in the can and true to form not for any of our fans because

you know we love fucking them over yeah we just did our first live podcast it was how many people do you think it was about 30

about 30 I think that may be it may be a bit more than that yeah yeah every season we're in a Soho house

in Amsterdam and they agreed to do it just because they put on performances each day so we thought

well I mean we got asked to do it and we decided months ago I think we were were we meant to put it out to the listeners I don't think so

nah because it was for members only for the club so members only none of them listened to the podcast they're from all all over the world

we had one actual fan of mine who'd seen my Netflix stuff and then everyone else was for members only for the club so members only none of them listen to the podcast they're from all all over the world mostly Dutch we had one actual fan of mine who's seen my Netflix and then everyone else was he's just like taking a punt

very well dressed like fucking entrepreneurs young cool people trendy dads very polite and stayed into it throughout the whole thing

like it wasn't I imagine it would have probably been a bit more like a rowdy audience had it been. Right, but if we sound fucking weird in the podcast, it's because, one, we're very high.

Two, I was very nervous. Right. I was like... Because normally, we'll laugh at each other's jokes, and that's fine, but when it's just us two laughing at each other's jokes

and nobody else is laughing, you go, oh, maybe we're not as funny as we think we are. And then every now and again, because they didn't laugh a lot but every time they

did it meant something and there was a couple of occasions but they stayed with it which is what I didn't expect

honestly I thought we were either going to be not putting out this podcast or putting it out because it's a fucking shambles

I've just realised I've fucking forgotten one of your dad jokes it's one of my best ones too do you want to do it now yeah I'll do a fucking shambles. I've just realised I fucking forgot one of your dad jokes. It's one of my best ones too. Do you want to do it now? Yeah, I'll do it now. Hold on, let's see if I can find it

so I can get the wording right. I knew I'd fucking skip some. I wondered why you had two more than I did. It's absolute bullshit. So this is the first time we've done an intro as well. Your dad has one toenail

longer than the others so he can sniff cocaine off of it. Those trendy fuckers would have loved that one. They would have liked it. Anyway, here's the podcast. I'll fucking enjoy. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream.

That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Tickling the clit inside your head to make you laugh. They said it can't be done are we in the same seat that's hack aww muggles accidental rip job

in the park kiss kiss kiss or am I just being cynical just muggled it up on fucking mugglepedia where have you been since 9-11

yeah hello hi do any of you have any idea what this is no right do any of you have any idea what this is? No. Right.

Do any of you have any idea who either of us are? Yes. Oh, you do? Right, good. One fan. Which one? Which one? Ah.

Oh, the superstar. Yeah, so this is weird as fuck. We, this is just a dumb podcast we do. We're comedians. His name's Kyle Humphries. My name's Daniel Sloss. We tour about 30 dates around Europe every year and about 50 yeah and I think I think they'll make their own judgment if we're comedians over the next hour yeah it's

so whenever we go on the road we just do a podcast every Monday and Thursday for our listeners and fans just to keep them updated if there's nothing intelligent about this don't expect anything deeper part this is just dumb dick jokes for an hour and if you understand 50% of what I say then you're doing well feel free to walk at any point the second you realise how stupid this whole fucking fiasco is at least have the decency to make a scene

like really make a scene if you shout at us just feel like you're not going to be leaving a performance you're just going to stop eavesdropping and on a conversation is the best way to look at this. But if you enjoy it, great. Come see us live. Shall we?

Hi, Daniel. Hi. Kai. This is weird. It is very weird. We're currently sat in the Soho house in Amsterdam. We're in Amsterdam. We just arrived this morning.

Our hotel room wasn't ready, so we went to have a joint. Yep. And then started overthinking the whole idea of performing in front of a bunch of people that don't listen to the podcast. Yeah, to do our first ever live podcast in front of 90% of people who have no fucking idea who either of us are. And you know what today's about? Because it's in Soho, I think because it's in Soho House, the expectations are very high.

I love walking into members clubs as well because I'm so council estate that I was in my joggers when I walked in because I travel a lot. But then you think, do I look like I've walked into the wrong place or do I look like an athlete? Everyone's looking going,

here's a million dollars. He's just walking in here with his track suit on. I think you look like you're casing the joint. Just coming in, checking where the security cameras are. Really bad undercover. Yeah, or just a very, checking where the security cameras are. Really bad undercover. Yeah, or just a very, very shit rapper.

Whatever the UK equivalent would be. Like a poor Michael Moore that actually needs to shop in the thrift shop. Is he from the UK? He's not. No, that's why I said the UK, not Michael Moore. Okay. Don't patronise me in front of my friends. So we're doing this. I've done one gig like this at the Soho house in London,

and that was to perform to seven people who were definitely there to see Reginald D. Hunter. You are not him. I am absolutely not him. I don't know if you want to talk polar opposites. And to the listeners there, Reginald D. Hunter's a big black man, and if you've never seen Daniel before

and you've only heard his voice on the podcast, he is not. I imagine they could have guessed that. But yeah, if you're listening to the podcast, I don't know what part of my voice would ever give you the impression. I don't even have the... You know people think that of Elliot Steele, when Elliot Steele guests on the podcast. People think he's a big black man and he's a scrawny little white boy. Yeah, that's what you get when you choose to...

Where is he from? Croydon? Croydon. I think that's the whole area. This is much nicer. We've been to Amsterdam several times before. This is the only time we ever have to take it easy. We've got a flight at 7.45. 7.45 to go to Ireland to try and ruin a wedding.

Yeah, another one. Yeah. I'm not doing a best man speech at this one, but I'm still going to attempt to get booed at some point. I'm going to keep saying that to any new listeners as well, just to address to everyone in the room. Yeah, yeah. To any new listeners, I just got married recently.

Yeah, he got married in Ibiza because you don't need to clap that it wasn't successful. I mean, so far I've spent the entirety of my marriage on tour with Daniel Sloss. Yeah, three days afterwards we hit the road and this has been a very graceful honeymoon period.

I mean, the sex has been shit. I mean, it's just a taste of marriage, right? Yeah, I guess. That's what marriage is like. Where have we been recently, since the last podcast? Well, we went to Paris. Went to Paris. Which I want to talk about.

I'm wearing trainer socks again. I was not looking forward to Paris because I do not like Paris. Well, we got there early, which is rare because it's 10 o'clock in the morning. And we had a lot of time to kill through the day. So I asked you if you wanted to go and do some touristy shit. And why would you not do it? Because I've seen everything. I've been to Paris five times.

And if I wanted to see the Eiffel Tower again, I'd Google it. Google it. That's exactly what I would do. Same with the art in the Louvre. I know what the Mona Lisa looks like. Yeah, once you've seen the picture of it, you've seen it, really. I went into the Louvre,

because you were at home Googling it, and I thought it was going to... There's loads of cocks. What? There's so many cocks in the Louvre. What do you mean? Like, every picture has a cock in it. Oh, you mean the art?

The art. I thought you were just calling everyone in France a clock it's just a fucking museum of dick pics it's sculptures with dicks paintings with dicks the odd boob

and when I say the odd boob I mean an odd number of boobs because there's only ever one boob out is that where the where's Michelangelo's

David is he there is that not in the Sistine Chapel is that no not an intelligent podcast I've no idea what it is I genuinely have no idea I don't know Is that not in the Sistine Chapel? No. Not an intelligent podcast. I have no idea what it is.

I genuinely have no idea. I don't know. I don't think it's there, though. Otherwise, it would have probably been on there. Does anyone know? We can use you as Google. In Florence. In Florence?

Michelangelo did it. There you go. It's in Florence. This is much easier. Yeah, so I didn't go there. No, you didn't go there. So you saw Michelangelo. No, you didn't.

You saw Mona Lisa's smile and a bunch of dicks. Yes. You have to walk through the dicks to get to the Mona Lisa. Oh, that's how they get saw Michelangelo... No, you didn't. You saw Mona Lisa's smile and a bunch of dicks. Yes. You have to walk through the dicks to get to the Mona Lisa. Oh, that's how they get you. It's like the lure you're in. They're like, oh, look at this classy-looking demure lady. And then you just have to walk around getting slapped in the face with dicks. All right, so now you know what it's like to be a woman on Tinder.

Just looking for one special thing and just dick, dick, dick. Nice to get some perspective. This is the main thing I want to talk about on this week's podcast. You found out that you have a disability, so it makes sense. I don't need to go to the Louvre because I can picture whatever that looks like. Yeah, I'm actually shocked that this hasn't been talked about on the podcast before. It's actually the first time we've brought it up. But shall I start from the beginning?

Go. Right. In 2016, I was... In 2016... Winter. Totally unnecessary specifics. But now I'm picturing it. Oh, fuck you.

You know where this is going. Natalie, my now wife, then girlfriend, handed me an article. She was reading an article on my iPad. And she went, can you believe some people live like this? And handed me this article. And I read this article. It was a really lengthy article. And it was about a condition called aphantasia.

And aphantasia is mind blindness. So it was explained that most people, when they picture a red triangle, they can actually see a red triangle. Because if you've got a red triangle, they can actually see a red triangle. Because if you've got a fantasia, you can't see the red triangle. And then I was like, well, you can't see it because it's like, you know what a triangle is, you know what red is, so you know what a red triangle is, but you can't bring up the image of it in your head. And then I was reading this going, what the fuck is this?

Is this a joke? Yeah. Like I thought it was some kind of BuzzField article to make everybody read it and think it's a fucking prank on them, but it would just be the same for everybody. And I kept reading on. It was like little things like, you know, when people say they count sheep to get to sleep,

they actually close their eyes and picture sheep and they can see sheep jumping over fences, grazing in the field. And you can't do that. I thought it was like a turn of phrase. I thought it was like a metaphor for like shepherds get tired when they're counting the flock. So then, like, counting sheep

is a metaphor for getting to sleep and that. I was like, actually picture it. And then I realised, like, because it's, like, when I close my eyes, it's just darkness. Just to give a word for people, this is, you can't see anything in your head. So if I say picture a beach, right, and there's a red ball bouncing on that beach, and the fucking leaves are blowing east,

or, well, right. Right. You can't see any of that in your head. Right, this is where I can conceptualise it. I don't see any, when people say vision, like, imagine. I don't see it with my eyesight. No, but I don't see it with anything related that I see. So there's nothing, there's

literally nothing going on up there. Yeah, I think so. Is this zeros and ones like the Matrix? It's like, I know what a. Yeah, I think so. There's just zeros and ones like the Matrix. It's like, I know what a beach is, I know what a bread bowl is, I know what we left from right, I know what leaves are, so all of that. When you're reading books, are you just going, right, I know what a man with, they're describing, a guy walks in, he's got a beard and he's got a baseball cap.

You know man, beard, baseball cap, but your mind can't stick any of those things together. Yes, and this is what pisses me off the most. This pisses me off the most because I'll be reading a book now knowing that the experience I'm having and the experience everybody else who doesn't have mind blindness has, you're having, like, actual theatre of the brain, like, vivid hallucinations, right?

I'm just, like, being told a story, which is what I thought it was anyway. It's just bullshit. But my main question is, how do you masturbate? Like, Like if you don't have porn, if you've got nothing visual there.

I feel like an absolute mug now for every memory wank I've ever had. Because I've had memory wanks, but I didn't realize you were bringing up images of things that happened. So what were you remembering? That it happened. You know, just that you bringing up images of things that happened. So what were you remembering? That it happened. Just that you had it.

Yeah, that happened, remember that? Without your main's eye. Just describing the situation to yourself. Yeah. So how old are you now? And you've just worked this out. I'm 35 and I worked this out when I was 33. And, uh, is that right? Yeah, yeah. And I must say, because it's a condition that exists in how much of the population?

Actually, it's one in 100. It's like somewhere between one and three percent since they figured out. And that's what I mean. And we should have put a precaution on talking about it, because statistically, some people might be sit there going like, oh, fuck, this is me. Because I've told this to a number of people. I haven't really shouted about it because I don't identify as it.

It's something I'll talk about as a discussion like we are now. But I was telling Kerry Marks, the comedian who I worked with in Australia in 2017 for the festivals, and he went pretty much pale the same way I did when I read the article, when he was hearing all about it.

It's such a weird thing to just... And then I presented him the article, and for the next three days, he was just subdued. He was, like, distant, you know, as he's in his 50s, and he's realised that... And this is how it feels. It doesn't feel like you've found out you've got a disability. It feels like you've found out everybody else has got a superpower.

Like, all of a sudden, you're just walking about, enjoying the day, walking, running, jogging, and then you find out everybody else can fly. Yeah. And you just haven't known about it for 35 years, and then running, jogging, and then you find out everybody else can fly. Yeah. And you just haven't known about it for 35 years. And then your mate just goes, bye, and then flies off. You're like, oh shit, you guys can do that. But I think comparing yourself to other people is the root

to sadness, anyway. So, like, I don't look at that, I look at it going, well, before I read that article, I was fine. You know? So I'm only going to be sad if then I compare myself to everybody else and go, oh, fuck. Right, but we're all having a great time, mate. Yeah, but I can't... Look, I was fine, you know, so I'm only going to be sad if then I compare myself to everybody else and go, oh, fuck. But we're all having a great time, mate. Yeah, but I can't... Look, I've got two dogs dancing in my head right now.

Yeah. Just cheer me up. Right, imagine them dying. Oh, even happier. See, I can't get jealous. No? Not really. Is that something else you really can't do?

You can't imagine. Are you autistic? No, I just mean, when I say I can't get jealous it's like even if I did start getting jealous I think my wife was like I mean I've been away

for four weeks she couldn't be getting up to anything but I can't draw that picture I don't have to watch her getting you know what she does

all those things I guess that is one of the advantages I just think because to me I can't imagine it's so hard to understand what actually visualisation in your head is because it's not I guess that is one of the advantages. I just think, because to me, I can't imagine, it's so hard to understand what actually visualisation in your head is because it's not like it's over your eyesight.

It's just, it's kind of like there. Is it like a head-up display? Have you ever seen that? No, it's not a HUD, no. Like the cockpits of a Harrier jump jet that have like a green hologram come up over the image. No, I couldn't Photoshop your face in my own head now. If I could, I would.

I think it's like a prescription as well. I think some people have got, I think it's on a spectrum. In fact, there's actually, because when I started digging online to find out information about it, there was this scientist that was, mad scientist guy,

trying to get email addresses of people that feel like they're affected by it so you can do some kind of seminar yeah and then ages later like a year and a half later so more recently this email arrived for both me and kerry saying that they're doing a seminar for people with aphantasia and hyper aphantasia so we looked up what hyper aphantasia was and it's the opposite effect with like an over vivid imagination where you can't, like, really control it. So I guess it would be, like, tripping balls all the time. Or just what, like, actual hallucinations? I don't know. Whatever you've got times a million, I don't know what that is.

So me and Kerry decided not to go to the seminar because it was like putting homeless people in with billionaires. The absolute fucking opposites. Yeah, they're just strutting around like they own the place just because they can actually picture themselves owning the place.

So yeah, Natalie handed me the article and then went to sleep. She had work in the morning. I don't. Do you dream? Yeah, that's what's strange. I dream, but...

And I've also hallucinated when I take... Not too much when I take mushrooms and acid, but when strange. I dream, but... And I've also hallucinated when I take... Not too much when I take mushrooms and acid, but when I took DMT, like, my mind's eye was way open there because I went down the fucking rabbit hole. So you reckon it's just fucking lazy? I think I...

Like I said, I think it just has a prescription in acids, like it's putting its glasses on. I just find it... Because this obviously must have been a condition for years and years and years and years. But how do you identify

when you don't know how other people see things in their head? How do you, like, you can't compare it? Right. Because even in a discussion it's hard to imagine

not being able to. And what's nuts is like, I'll still say imagine and I'll still say visualize because I mean it but I don't mean it. You can't use those. Those are our words.

I just feel like the term vision and image that I would touch to those words I just I don't have an image I don't have a vision but I can imagine I can visualize without images no no no I guess you just a little bit you're gluten intolerant fuck off that true. I can't handle bread. I think that's a fucking bad sign of evolution when... How did it just happen overnight? Can that happen?

Can you be not gluten intolerant for 28 years? Yeah. And then just all of a sudden... I think it's either one of two things. Either one, I spend too much time in LA

and it's just like fucking not photosynthesis. What's the other one? Not photosynthesis. What's the other one? Not photosynthesis. It's the one where you can absorb powers, not powers. I don't know what you're talking about. That doesn't matter. No, it does.

Osmosis, thank you very much. This is great. This is way better. If you'd normally have a podcast, that would take us 30 minutes in most of the podcasts. Let's just turn it off by that. Oh, people scream at the podcast when we're getting something wrong,

and they just go, oh, you guys are idiots. Yeah, so I imagine you you go through osmosis from all the pretentious people in LA or alternatively, what my doctor was saying, is if you ever go through periods of eating lots of bread, which is my everyday life, and then you go through periods of not eating bread, which is like when I get back from

touring, I'm cutting out carbs and stuff just to lose weight. Turns out your body can just fucking forget how to break down gluten. It just goes nah, never again. You had your chance. Look who's come crawling back. So does that mean if you can get gluten intolerance does that mean you can like lose it?

I'm trying. I've not changed my diet in any single way. I'm still forcing pizza down there every day and I'm just at this point it's, yeah, I'm just holding the gun to just see what happens. See who caves first. I mean I'm sh holding the gun to just see what happens. See who caves first. I mean, I'm shedding myself a lot more regularly. I think I'm allergic to cheese, but I just deal with it. Is this when you get...

It's the weirdest reaction. So if I eat cheese, my cheeks sweat. Just in like a little line under my cheeks. Not the rest of my body, just my face. Just warped. Yeah, like if you threw a handful of dust at my face it would just click there like an American footballer right

this is what we play for go for some cheese like Nelly like Nelly so I have my face sweats when I eat cheese and I'm like

this is definitely a reaction like a legit reaction or an intolerance but like who gives a fuck there was not a period where you thought that you got that from...

No, what was it when you got your head kicked in? Yeah. This was... What are you looking for? The water. The water. You got the truth.

All right. Truth for all the new listeners. It's Scottish for dry mouth. Scottish for dry mouth. It normally comes on when you're very, very high. So, did you, what was it? When you were crying from your nose,

what happened after you got your head kicked? I've had a few of these. Now that's a different one, the crying from the nose thing. Is this just the Kai's weird ailments podcast? You're one of the most interesting but broken people I know, and I think there should be a case study on you every week. That's really mean. It's meant to be.

That's what I was aiming for. It seemed like it should have been wrapped up in a compliment, but it wasn't. You just said it in a way that it was packaged like, it was one of the most damaged and broken people. I said it with the tone of it was going to end somewhere nice and pretty. Like one of them shit sandwiches, you know, when you give me the, yeah, you've got a lot of damage,

but you've got character and a bit of spark. Just none of that, man. You've got to subscribe to the rest of it. That's why I lure you in. So the first one was when I was in a jet ski accident and I woke up in the ambulance. You were jet skiing where? I was jet skiing in the North Sea,

and just off the coast of Blythe, which is near Newcastle. So jet skiing, having a good time, having fun, woke up in the ambulance. And what had happened apparently is like, I'd hit a big wave, come off the front, I'd either hit my face off the water or the handlebars, and I was unconscious, and another jet skier got me out and brought me back. And then the paramedics came. I was breathing, but I was unconscious.

And the paramedics went to cut me out of the wetsuit, but my friend Craig, whose girlfriend it belonged to, it was his girlfriend's wetsuit. Okay, okay. And you were wearing it. Yeah, he realised that the paramedics were going to cut into his hundreds of pounds worth of equipment

and then bundled them out the way and ripped my limp, lifeless body out. Out of the wetsuit. Get off him. He just wrenched me out the wetsuit. And I lay there, nude, getting monitored. He starts taking off your rings.

Yeah. And then they put me in the ambulance, and I woke up in the ambulance, just a bit confused as to where I was and shit, right? And they had me under 24-hour surveillance. And people just kept rolling through and making notes and stuff, and chatting to us,

and I was talking back to them, and they seemed confused that I was talking. And they like that seems to be a problem but they weren't revealing anything to me there was people coming like students coming in to learn from me genuinely like it was something was going down that they weren't telling me about don't make it again it's just the first time they've seen something like you in a hospital like that like they've just come in a bit like how can he afford a jet ski so i woke and so i'm trying to figure out what's the problem why everybody's coming in and out and then eventually when they found out what the problem was they come through with a smile relieved to tell me everything's okay and they

told me what the problem was and why they were so concerned it's because there was water flowing out my nose and they took a sample of the water and it had protein in it, which meant they thought it was brain fluid. Oh, Jesus. So if brain fluid's coming out of my nose, I shouldn't be talking to them. I shouldn't just be like, oh, yeah, I'm fine.

Is the jet ski okay? So that's why they were bewildered, right? That must be the closest thing they'd ever experienced to a zombie. It's like, the fact that he's shut it, and he just keeps walking, like, he should be dead, this makes no sense. He's far too stupid to realise that his brain's been ruptured.

Too stupid to die. So they'd done the tests, and this body fluid, whatever the bodily fluid was, that was coming out of my nose, because it definitely wasn't sea water because of the content. It turned out it was I'd bust my tear gland, ruptured tear gland, so where I cry from all the time,

had bust and started leaking down my nose. I was crying out of my nose. So when they took the sample... I guess it's a much more efficient way to cry, because if you're crying, you've got to blow your nose and wipe your eyes I would say that was a growth in evolution it'd be like peeing and shitting out the same hole

why do they have to be different well you don't do that I thought everybody did that I can't find out everything about myself so that was that one the other one was related to the cheese sweats I was having you know when you google something when you google your symptoms So that was that one. The other one was related to the cheese sweats I was having. You know when you Google something, when you Google your symptoms,

and you never Google your symptoms. Yeah, because Google just goes, you're dead. Go to a doctor and let them Google it. They can filter the bullshit. They've just got a faster internet connection. Yeah. I Googled about, I thought I was sweating from my cheeks, so far I've been just on a regular basis, even when I was cold. I hadn't attributed it to the cheese yet.

Oh. Right. So I'm googling what it could be. And I discovered this thing called Frey's Syndrome. And Frey's Syndrome is when somebody's had a bang to the head and they can like do like something to your neurological pathways. And every time you're meant to salivate, then you'll sweat instead. It'll activate your sweat glands instead of your saliva glands. So you become more efficient. Your tears are coming out your nose,

but now your saliva's coming out your voice. It's coming out my face. Are you an actual slug? Yeah. I'm just wired drunk. You're absolutely wired drunk. I'm like a prototype android. And they're like, ah, we've just got some of the... No, you're absolutely wired wrong I'm like a prototype android and they're like

ah we've just got some of the no you're more like a knockoff no but it wasn't that it turned out like it's just because I googled it but the thing about that was when you've had a bank of the head that's when you can develop

phrase syndrome and I'd just been beat up by Dorman not our Dorman by a team of security yeah let's tell that story in Newcastle

I love this story why can't any of the stories be about you by a team of security. Yeah. Let's tell that story. In Newcastle. I love this story. Why can't any of the stories be about you? This is just a podcast. It's not just today. Not when you've got my... Now I'm showing off in front of my friends. Because I don't cry from my nose and I've never been in a fight.

The only time I've ever been close to being in a fight is you stepped in before I was even aware it was happening. I got headbutted in Glasgow once, and I've got no self-defence mechanism, and by the time I opened my eyes, the guy that had headbutted me, Kai had him on the floor, and was just punching his head into the ground. You touched my boy?

You put his hands on my boy? He's your best friend? I get headbutted. I then have to protect the guy who's just fought me for no reason by pulling Kai off of him and I said to Kai I was like

you need to learn when a fight's over and he went you need to learn when a fight's fucking started and I was like well that's actually a fair point

so the the the door so I had a bang to the head I remember this one vividly because this was I was at

I was in a... I was at home and it was about three in the morning and I was... Home was Edinburgh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was...

We were just off tour, I think. I had a couple of days off so I was getting high playing FIFA and I get a call at 3am from you and we never call each other.

Was it on FaceTime when Face was bust up? Yeah. I just had like two big fat Mick Jagger lips. Yeah when we spend so much time on the road together that whenever we're not on the road together we very rarely stay in contact. We know we're going to see each other within a couple of

weeks. I just need a bit of time away from you. I think it's every hour of every day. I mean I am yeah every hour of every day at each other's company. At least we don't share rooms anymore. So the second you FaceTime me, I'm like... Because normally if Natalie ever phones me, I assume that you're dead. And whenever I phone her, she assumes you're dead, which tells you a lot about how you live your life. We just call each other all the time.

And every day, like, I'm dead again. It's just wishful thinking, I think, at this point. So you FaceTime me, and I'm like, this is going to be very interesting. And for a man who has a black eye, is bleeding profusely from his face, and I think had a bit of a chipped tooth, or was it no chipped tooth?

Yeah, I got a chipped tooth. Chipped tooth. Had the biggest fucking grin on your face, like to the level of, what's the name of the guy in Fight Club? Tyler Durden. Just that level of, I'm like, you've clearly just been beaten up. Yeah.

So I phoned thought, what happened? So this is the gist of it. We went to a Newcastle match, Newcastle were playing Bolton, it was 3-0 to Newcastle. Hadn't been off, I scored that wonderful goal. Oh yeah, yeah. So this is 2012. We'll go out for a drink afterwards, there's just about eight or nine of us from Blythe, and we're going out and we're in this bar called Purdue, which is jumping and lively, We'll go out for a drink afterwards. There's just about eight or nine of us from Blythe.

And we're going out and we're in this bar called Perdue, which is jumpin' and lively, and we just wanted to chat to each other. So we went to the bar on the side of it. And so it's just like a little lounge. I guess a room a bit like this, dimmed lights. But music playing. Where you're in class.

Yeah, music playing and just, you're gonna have a conversation. So one of my friends has had a few beers and he just falls asleep in one of the comfy chairs. And we're all at the other side of the bar chatting. And then the doorman comes along, sees him asleep in the chair, and starts wrenching him out of the chair to get him out of the pub.

Like throwing him out as if he threw a glass across the bar. Yeah, as opposed to just being asleep. As opposed to, hey, wake up, mate. No minute sleeping in a nightclub. It's time for you to go home. He was like wrenching him out of the chair. And I just got defensive, but I didn't run in and headbutt him. I just ran in and I got between.

I was like, oh, he's with us, we'll look after him, we'll keep him awake until the taxi comes. It was like 15 minutes before the taxi came. I had half a pint left each. And we're waiting for our minibus. And he just went, fuck it, I'll throw you out. And he grabbed my arms and he started pulling me out of the pub and I grabbed the side of the door like that.

And when I grabbed the side of the door, he just started laying at the side of the door he just started laying at the back of my head and then it just become like the fucking Wild West. So he punched you in the back of the head? He punched me in the back of the head and like all my friends are at the bar and stuff I ended up like getting him in a headlock and like holding him in it and then a bunch of his other door staff ran through and it was just like... One of my favorite parts of this story is Kai's older brother, Gab. Yeah, I get to that. Alright.

I get to that. I get to that. Yeah. Yeah, so like that all goes on in there we get thrown out I get a good I get a good shot on him

in the midst of it so like he's a bit bloodied up you need him in the face I need him in the face and I guess outside the bar and we'll go across

the other side of the road and like me and my friends are just flustered we went from having a nice pint to staying just having a nice time you know and then all of a sudden

we've just been lynched it will all battered up and we're just dusting each other down this day give each other hugs and show right and then a adrenaline pump adrenaline pumping and then they must have put a call out to the other doors in Newcastle there's a fucking that door staff yeah cuz the fucking army of them just come round and just made a circle around me and kept my friends back. It was like a dog ring, like a dog fight. It pinned you down and stamped on your head. It was a genuine murder attempt.

But again, too stupid to die. It was a proper shoe-in. They kicked him in the face and shit, right? And then you couldn't press charges. So I went to press charges. The first thing I done when I got back is phone the police and make a statement and I got through a contact, I got a solicitor and then arranged to meet and make a proper statement with the solicitor.

Yeah. So I went to the police station the next day and they had a picture of the guy, they knew who it was, they had a video and said it was over the road and showed me over the road him kicking me in the face,'s him. We've identified that the same he's kicking in the face. He doesn't have a leg to stand on Yeah, it's not even if it was in his bar. You may have an argument. It's over the road It's a revenge claim, but whatever happened in there, which is a separate case whatever happened here It wasn't on his jurisdiction on his badge fucking and he just went but the problem is This is your brother and he showed a picture of my brother in the bar

grabbing one of the bouncers and my brother was on steroids at the time like it was fucking massive and he got the doorman and he threw him out the

door and then shut the doors and it's in the bouncer statement that he said to the doorman you're bored you're banned from the pub

so he said this guy here has been assaulted by your brother and he's pressing charges against your brother he's only going to drop charges against your brother if you drop charges against him and I went fucking locking my brother up I paid the contract he's just looking at me like

I know my brother's going to be fine in prison I don't know if you've seen the same video I have he's going to be fucking king of the place. Yeah, I visit him once a year. Conjugal, yeah. Bring him cake. Just so he thinks there's going to be something in it, but there's not.

Just cake. Yeah, you've somehow managed to make him. He's diabetic. That's where his injections are for his diabetes. So yes, I had to drop the charges but he did lose his doorman's badge because even though they didn't take him to the criminal courts or anything, what he'd done was against the regulations. I mean, bare minimum, against social etiquette, like an actual hate crime.

He lost his job and I imagine as a redneck security guard like that, he probably hasn't got much else. No, it's probably better for the best. So we're now about three weeks into the tour. We've done... Should we talk about Paris? Didn't we talk about that at the museum? No, but I want to talk more about the gig

because it was one of those gigs that absolutely should not have worked. It was amazing. It was on a boat. It was like subterranean on a boat. It was like subterranean on a boat. It was like you get on the boat and the bar's like. Yeah, so it was on the River Seine and it's downstairs, so it's right in the under bit.

Beautiful stage, shouldn't have worked, but being on stage was one of the surrealist things. Because I drink when I'm on stage, so I'm used to being a bit lightheaded. But because there's no windows, it's so closed off, you forget that you're in a boat because it looks like you're in a and occasionally that boat goes by and sends like a wave under it

and you just have to balance yourself just feeling dead weird I'm surprised nobody gets seasick or any of that stuff because you've got nothing to compare, it's like the reason you can't read when you're driving when somebody else is driving the reason you can't read while you're driving is because somebody else is driving. The reason you can't read

while you're driving is because that's massively illegal, albeit very impressive, is because your vision's focusing on that one bit there where everything else is moving and your brain's just unable to process that. But seasickness is, I guess, similar because the landscape's moving around. But when you're in there, you're just, I guess it's like being on a fucking bouncy castle, but you can't fucking see it's like being on fucking like a bouncy castle but you can't fucking see anything like being in a womb

yeah that's where you went yeah I was wondering where you were going I didn't expect womb no I was just meaning the sounds of the water and a bunch of other people

but it was nice that you could like be stood on top of the boat just watching boats go by people walk by and then all of a sudden you're just down and you're in a venue

it just seemed like the weirdest switch of scenario yeah yeah real I can't even say I was going to say it was an underground club but it wasn't it was underwater and then all of a sudden you're just down in your own venue. It just seemed like we had a switch of scenario. Yeah, yeah, real. And it came. I can't even say, I was gonna say it was an underground club, but it wasn't. It was underwater.

It was recommended by Eddie Izzard, right? Yep. Because he, because you weren't gonna gig in Paris again because he didn't enjoy it. Well, the first time we gigged in Paris, I didn't enjoy it that much because the thing we enjoy about you gigging in Europe is I want to gig to the locals.

Like if I come to Amsterdam, I want to gig to the people that live here. If I gig in Romania, I want to gig to the locals. Like if I come to Amsterdam, I want to gig to the people that live here. If I gig in Romania, I want to gig to Romanian people. I don't want to go to places and gig to British people because British people abroad suck. And that was proved when we went to... It is true. It's like I said, they're the ones

that'll be Brexit voters. They'll be anti-immigrant and then they'll go to another country and be an immigrant and still maintain the same belief system. Yeah, a lot of Brexit voters live in Benidorm and just have no idea why that is immensely hypocritical. So, yeah, that's

the audience we got the first day we came to Paris. Yeah, and obviously British people that live in France are miserable because the British culture is being overly polite, and the British culture is being overly polite and the French culture is the absolute polar opposite of that. Yeah, they... Do they think it's cool to have bad manners?

Is that the shtick in France? Are they like, oh, I've got bad manners, so I'm kind of trendy? I don't know. Is it measured? I reckon... For the French people I've spoken to, it's genuinely just part of the culture.

Like they don't, because they don't see it as offensive, they don't see it as rude to each other at all. That's just how they talk to each other. It's only us that find it rude. It's efficient communication. Yeah, yeah. None of this, I mean it's, yeah. If America's the too far version with the friendliness, people will talk to you in elevators,

which I think is a death penalty offense.. Like, we have seven seconds together. I do not need to know your name or how your day's going. Like, after this, you are just merely a background. You're such a hostage if someone talks to you in an elevator. Fuck, it's just...

There's no escape. You just sit there and, how's your day? None of your fucking business. Absolutely none. Would it be... Them talking to you in an elevator, would it be less rude

if you just then put your fingers in your ears and went, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, ears and went, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Somehow minds would be, yeah, that would be rude. That scene is rude. It's an equivalent of, like, imagine you're just in a traffic jam, right, and someone pulls up next to you, and they just knock on your window. Hi-ya!

How's your day? Now you go away. Are you here on holiday? Yeah. So that's the American level of sort of friendliness. And again, if you're, because we find the French rude, the counter is

we find the Americans suspicious. That level of friendliness, it takes a while to trust. Because when you say, hey, how are you, to anyone in the UK, you've stopped listening. You don't care how they do it. Hey, how are you? I'm good, how are you? Yeah, that's it, the answer to the question. Answer to the same question. How. Hey, how are you? I'm good, how are you? That's it, the answer to the question. The answer to the same question.

How are you? How are you? Good, fine, how are you? Two questions, no answers. Solid. It's pure script, right? It's pure just script. You go through it because it appears polite

whereas you don't actually care. The Americans give a shit. They go, hey, how are you? You go, good. They're like, that's awesome. How are you? And they're like, well, my wife just left me. And you're like, what the fuck happened?

Yeah, I got up late this morning and missed the bus. You're like, oh, awesome, how are you? and they're like, well my wife just left me and you're like, what the fuck happened? yeah, I got up late this morning missed the bus, you're like, oh fuck no I didn't see you get your diary out that way I think I don't know how but apparently the French are quite nice to American tourists I think they're just horrible to us from what I've heard

I think that may be a lot of places I think a lot of places hate the English I think a lot of places hate the English. Yeah, me too. I think a lot of places hate the English. Sometimes you get bad service in France or in Spain or somewhere like that.

I'm like, there's probably had so many shit English people that have seen an English person and went, oh, fuck this guy. Was it Ryan Cullen who's Irish?

Yeah. He was getting bad service in a restaurant and then somebody worked out he was Irish and apologised profusely for being rude to him. He was like,

oh shit, sorry, I thought you were English. I think that's what happened. I've had it in places where you just go over and go, are you from England?

No, Scotland. Hey! And you're like, thank God for that fucking free pass. Yeah, but you guys have only got that free pass

because you don't have any big football, you're not in any football tournaments because your fans would still be shit football fans abroad

but you never get a chance to be no absolutely no Tartan Army every time we've appeared in the World Cup we're given the

fans of the year award for the past well three times we've been in it's going all the way back to the 1200s that's a lie

of course it is you fucking idiot not that winning the award but the Tartan Army winning the yeah, but the time I only won a few. Yeah, but no, I don't even think, I don't know why football

was fucking invented. I think your hooligans would be the worst. Absolutely not. Because Scottish, like, English mad cunts are just annoying. Scottish mad cunts

are terrifying. Well, to you, but I, I've been, I mean, there is a difference between rugby games and football games,

but, I mean, and it has been a while since we've been in the World Cup. Yeah, but rugby doesn't get supported by hooligans. It gets played by them. It gets watched by civilised people. Yeah, well, rugby stadiums in Scotland, you're allowed to drink regardless of what time the game is. Yeah, they treat you like adults.

Yeah, whereas for the Celtic Rangers derby in Glasgow, they legally cannot have a match between those two that starts any later than 12.30 because of the amount of people pre-drink. If it's 7 o'clock, they'll... I mean, people are still drunk at these games on a Sunday. The Lord's Day. Apparently, cricket's like that.

Apparently, cricket's just like... Because it's such a long, drawn-out game that it's just a day on the pith. I could get by, I could just... Can you, because it's legal to smoke weed here and in LA, can they smoke while they're watching a game? I don't know, well, I think it's still about smoking laws. Like you can't, I don't think you're allowed to smoke in a football stadium, are you?

Not in the UK but then... No, not in America either, I don't think. I don't think you would you want to watch a game high like in a stadium like would it just be the worst thing I guess it's like you know when the UFC is in Japan and they don't really cheer they just like observe it yeah and it's a kind of hushed silence while they watch the fights it's kind of like creepy atmosphere much like a lot of UFC fighters just watch the match just like that like not not on the edge

yes see not like following the ball. You'd just be, yeah, sure. I don't know. I think most things are very, very good high. And that's not a level of social interaction. You just need to fucking... The colours alone will make you happy. You are usually pleased. I very much am, especially when you're high.

Oh, we played this fucking awesome arcade game when I was stoned before. I can't remember the name of it, so let's cut that a bit short. Cut it out, because then it'll just be me trying to explain a game that I hardly knew the rules to anyway. Yeah, let's brush over that. Speaking of games, shall we go on to Muggle Corner? Yes, do you want to introduce Muggle Corner to the new listeners? Right, for the new listeners, Muggle is a term coined by J.K. Rowling the very famous uh book harry potter which i'm a massive massive massive fan of uh muggle refers to people who are not magic uh they lack magic and so we've started using that term in everyday life to discover to

describe people who also lack magic these aren't bad people they're also not a person specifically people have muggle traits yeah like i go to my mom and dad's house right they've got a photo who also lack magic. These aren't bad people. They're also not a person specifically. They're not a person specifically. People have muggle traits. Yeah. Like, I go to my mum and dad's house, right, and they've got a photo frame with me and my wife, my brother and his girlfriend, my sister and her boyfriend,

and it's got live, laugh, love. It's the pictures of their boys and their girl. And that is muggly as shit. That's live, laugh, love, and that's fucking adorable, but my mum's a muggle. Aye, absolutely. That's a muggle shit.

Like, muggles, one of the other words we've always done is muggles queue for the airplane i've never understood you're given an assigned seat and a sign seat and everybody's right get on the plane you're like we're all going to the same place you fucking daft bastards like there's no nobody's going to be on my seat it's not a bus it's not free-for-all so each week we come up with something muggles they'll put on facebook like hive mind and then ask just ask Facebook a question that they could have easily googled. Yeah. So they're not malicious. They're not all bad.

We're guilty of most of these things ourselves. But the rule is we each come forward to pitch a muggle thing and then if both of us agree anyone who does this including ourselves has to go stand in the corner for 30 seconds. And just think about what a shit muggle they are. Muggles walk in a line on a pavement. Walk in a line? You know, a fucking... Oh, muggles don't. No? Are you kidding? On a pavement?

Like if the... Like in a... No, like a side-by-side fucking line. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, right. I thought you meant like in a single file line. No, no, those are the best ones. Yeah, good. Because I hate... Like, it's like couples that will refuse to unhold hands, even if going, those are the best ones. Yeah, good. Because I hate, it's like couples that will refuse to unhold hands even if going

single file is the best option. They'll just go, but we come as a two. Nah, single file up, hide your numbers. Do you know what you should do?

Next time you see two people refusing to unhold hands, go grab one of their hands and just start swinging them like dads do to their kids. Just really ruin it

for them. Yes. I can't, it's just, it's such a level of social selfishness to just not be aware of, like,

you're on a busy fucking street, especially in London, and I imagine this is quite bad for you, trying to fucking get somewhere and there's just four twats just fucking looking at the sky. Looking around. Like,

architecture's beautiful and it's like, I'm going to make you look at the pavement. Have you seen those people? and it's one of the most passive aggressive things and I wish I had the courage to do it right but you can get rings

right with fucking little bike bells on it ah yeah and you just walk behind them and you just go ding ding ding and people just hear it

and they go ah and then you just walk straight through and that would appear rude right absolutely you'd look rude if you were like

ding ding but then you put like a bit of metal between your legs and do it and it's fine yeah yeah so why not if you're going to be rude, right? Absolutely. You'd look rude if you were like, ding, ding, but then you put a bit of metal between your legs and do it, and it's fine. Yeah, yeah. So why not, if you're going faster, whether you're on a bike or whether you're on foot, if you're going faster, ring the bell. You should start doing the air horn.

Just do custom ones. So what you could do is, if people are going to get aggressive to you because you're ringing a bell and start fights, you could get one that's a knuckle duster. So you ring the bell, if people are going to get like aggressive to you because you're ringing a bell and start fighting, you could get one that's a knuckle duster. So like, you ring the bell and someone's like,

you're telling me to get up. Yeah. No, I think, yeah, do you want to sweat cheese from your face and get it?

Because if you get beaten up again, I can't imagine what other mental conditions you're going to get. The one I do in airports and the reason this annoys me so much is in airports is, I'm glad that you arrived

at the airport on time. Well done you. I did not. Can you not walk? Like, everyone in this airport is probably in a hurry at some fucking point. Yeah. And just people, again, walking around, especially in the tight tunnels. Yeah, everyone should just assume to be in a hurry in an airport.

Yeah. For the people behind you, at least. I've started doing something incredibly rude. But if it's an emergency, I'd still get in there. Just properly running and just stamping my foot mid-walk. And people go, ah! And you're like, sorry, I'll apologise for that bit. You can only do it with your headphones on, though.

Yes. Like, you can't be rude if you can hear it. But, you know, if you've got your headphones on and some loud music, you do that, it's almost like you didn't do it. Like, you couldn't hear it, and then you fart. Be on your way. I hate in airports because, like you were saying,

on footpathss at least you know the route right in airports people are just kind of going in different directions it's a lot like it's a lot like being a snowboarder

snowboarding and skiers exactly what I was going to say when you've been going snowboarding and you've been doing this fast right you learn learn people's vectors

and their angles and kind of where they're going and at what pace so you know the quickest route and other people just don't. Yeah. And by other people we mean skiers.

Yeah. Skiers. We're in a room full of people with money. Oh yeah. They're all skiers. Snowboarding is such new money, isn't it?

Like nobody starts learning a snowboard. Like everyone skis from an early age. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean I did. But then if you're like 26 and then you go onto the mountain

you're like, well, I didn't learn as a child so i'm just gonna get the one that looks cool no i just the reason i switched from skiing to snowboarding is i just got to a stage of skiing where i'm just like this is i'll kill myself if i go this fast like i do have no faith i'll happily break a rib or a tailbone but when you're just on skiing you can get to such a speed that i'm like i'm gonna go back in time at this point. Yeah, this is something that, I agree that skiing's faster than snowboarding.

That's not even up for debate, right? But people use that as an argument for why skiing's better, but don't apply it. If anybody I know that says skiing's faster than snowboarding, I've never been, I don't get overtaken by that many skiers. Well, it's because you're always face down in the snow, because trust me, I've been with you, and you do. We do get overtaken a lot by skiers. That's because you're always face down in the snow, because trust me, I've been with you, and you do. We do get overtaken a lot by skiers.

No. The odd one that weighs down. But most of them, I would say like 90% of the skiers are just like really slow, grind, feathering. And that's because we're on the fucking easy slopes. Like all of the

very fast skiers are the fucking mad cunts that are going face down on the fucking easy slopes. Like, all of the very fast skaters are the fucking mad cunts that are going face down on the double diamonds. Are you happy with my want to go in the corner? Well,

the people not getting, like, going in horizontal lines across pavements without having any self-awareness. 100% that's it. Right, so if you do that,

even if you've done it accidentally, which I know I have. Sometimes I get confused between what's muggly and what's just a bit rude. Well, I think... But I think it is because it's not aware. It's just like blissful unawareness, isn't it? Yeah, it's ignorance.

So it's not a bit like... You're turning your... They're not being obnoxious. No, but they're just turning their brain off for a bit and every time that happens, we kind of towards muggle corner. What's yours? Mine is... And this is what I discussed with Natalie and Kat,

is Muggles will ask you how you slept. As if that conversation is going to go anywhere. As if that conversation is going to go anywhere fun or interesting. You know, you're just going to be that kind of, oh, yeah, slept great, slept like a baby, woke up without my alarm, fantastic. What should we talk about now? I wish that didn't happen. Or it's going to be like,

I have fucking slept terrible. I've been tossing and turning all night. I'm fucking knackered. You look fresh as a daisy. Fuck off out of my face. We have shit questions. Like, there's no reason. Like, oh, let's do this dance then.

Let's talk about my sleep. So you can talk about yours because there's clearly a reason you asked tell us about your dream you dickhead I reckon this is normally asked by people who think dream

interpretations is oh yeah do you believe in that any like dream interpretations I think you can have stuff on your mind

and it can manifest in your dreams oh I think yeah definitely think that I think stuff that you do during the day obviously affects your dreams but I don I think, yeah, definitely think that. I think stuff that you do during the day obviously affects your teeth. But I don't think, like, if you see an eagle flying west, your wife's going to get pregnant shit.

Ah, yeah, that's hocus pocus, isn't it? Yeah, if your teeth fall out, you tell lies all the time. It's like, well, I can't double check that because I'm not going to stop lying. I think we're actually I've got it's absolutely shit crack to have I think it's similar to where when hairdressers ask you

where you're going on your holidays at least with holidays you can start like sharing like if you go I'm going to Ibiza and then like

I got married to Ibiza and you start like it's a jump off like it can lead to other conversations it can lead to other things but like that is just like a thud,

just conversation dead end right on your lap. Because I guess it's not even what did you dream, it's just how did you sleep? Fine, sweet, my turn. I had three wanks because I couldn't. I'm getting really overshared. Couldn't stop thinking about you cheating on us. How did you sleep? Not well. I just sleep not well.

I just found out I've got no fucking imagination. Oh, man. All right, I think we should go. So that's going in the middle corner, right? 100% going in. And again, look, if you've asked that question before, which to be fair, I've asked that question definitely several times, and I will ask it again,

but I'll hold my hand up a minute, and after this, I'll go stand in the corner for 30 goddamn seconds. Right. Because, yeah. Right, now this is the bit that'll be interesting. This is our favourite bit of the podcast and basically...

It's been running now since 2016 when we started. We've done two a week. And each time there's a podcast we insult each other's dad ten times. So there has been over 1,000... been way over a thousand dad insults. Yeah, it's basically started with... The well is running dry.

We basically realised that, you know, your mum jokes were outdated, sexist, fatists. It's time for the dads to get it. Aye, it's time to rinse people's dads and why not each other's. Kai, your dad's got them apple-bottom jeans and the boots with the fur. Is it? Yeah, we're going to go for a take two, but we've got a live audience here, so I can't.

Oh, no. Your dad has a pleather gimp suit. What's pleather? Like plastic leather. Like fake leather. Oh, God. Penny pinching. Your dad uses mouthwash as aftershave.

He does it for all the vampires he's going to pull your dad dressed your granddad in his own best suit for his funeral but now he wants it back your dad cuts his limbs out with tylenol and then asks your mum if she regrets marrying such a bad boy. Your dad tried to pay his drug dealer in coins. Your dad writes Bible sexual fan fiction. Your dad whistles while he works and it blows my mind that he can whistle with a cock in his mouth.

Your dad moonlights as a geisha. Your dad practices what he preaches and he's always preaching to the choir, so what I'm saying, your dad did choir practice. Your dad thinks he can talk to cats when he can barely even talk to people Your dad can't roll a joint Neither can you It was not about me Your dad's Patronus is a slug Your dad is like a pedal bin You can slip on his toe and put garbage in his mouth

And like a pedal bin he does absolutely nothing about it Except getting full toe and put garbage in his mouth. And like a pedal, Benny does absolutely nothing about it. Except getting full. After you told your dad you were marrying Natalie, he sat out in the back garden throwing every picture he had of you onto the bonfire. And he had loads.

Which is weird. Your dad talks in Morse code your dad is dressing up as a mermaid for Halloween and is going to drag his fat arse around Blythe

storing M&M's in his seashell bra your dad overreacts when you tell him he can only play out until the street lights come on throws a proper

wee I cried are you done? yep I think so unless you've got have you got another one? until the street lights come on. Just throws it properly. Yeah, I cry. Oh, nice. Are you done? Yeah, I think so. Oh, mate. Have you got another one? Oh, you motherfucker.

Your dad released his diary on audiobook and it's just 13 hours of him crying. And your dad wore a life jacket when he got baptised. Oh, very good. All right, well. Well, we've just had our first ever live podcast. I know. And our regular listeners are going to be real annoyed that none of you know who we are.

Yeah, this is one of the things for our regular listeners where they would love to be sat here right now, right? Because they'd get a lot of, there's probably a lot of in-jokes and stuff that we didn't even realise. And they'd love to be part of it. But I think they're loving it even more that you guys don't listen to the podcast. And they're probably just really enjoying some of our anxiousness Kai's got a nervous tone in his voice he's usually such a confident young boy

but thank you for coming along we hope you enjoyed it yeah thanks Kai