Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 38 Kissgate 2017

Episode Date: March 9, 2017

Andrew Stanley is back opposite Muggins in the Cream seat after being thrown under the preverbial bus by Muggins and Abandosam with his actions last week kissing people willy nilly. The hilarity descends into a high brow book review and climbs back out with some horrendous 2 girls 1 cup chat. And the rest is kisstory. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Tickle in the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! We're in the same seats.

That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or a magical cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Ladies and gentlemen, stop la-la-lying.

I didn't know. We're doing the intro. I didn't know you were ready. I was just checking my mic. Seal your lips. Ladies and gentlemen, the sloths and Humphreys on the road, minus the sloths, but double the Humphreys.

Double the Humphreys? How are you double the Humphreys? What? Why are you double the Humphreys? Stop Humphries? How are you double Humphries? What? Stop talking, I'm going to do all the talking. So this is a podcast that me and Daniel Sloss have put together for when we're on tour and when we're on the road and we're on the road a lot but we're not always on the road

together. So when we're on the road separately, opening your caffeine free diet coke. A little bit of product placement on the podcast. Black water, please. A little advertising. So, when Daniel is not here or when I'm not with Daniel, we'll nab a comedian, a friend, a lover from around the globe and bring them onto the podcast. And here with us today, again, is regular guest, Kissy Tulips.

Andrew Stanley. I waved. I don't know why I waved. I've never done that before. Like I'm podcast royalty by now so yeah you've graduated from Snogwarts

Snogwarts Snogwarts School of Kisscraft and Wizardry Kisscraft I guess so I listened back to last week's podcast

yeah we threw another bus well there wasn't much of a yeah there's not much of a change really I mean all the it all seems to be factual do you feel like

defending yourself so I'm just gonna I'm just gonna fill in the listeners that didn't listen so how did Nutshell this I was on a night out

with Andrew Stanley Andrew Stanley started kissing people right like tried to kiss me he tried to kiss Sam Wilson from Abandoned Man

who was the guest in the last podcast and then he just randomly tried to kiss Jane no no no you missed out on very important parts you missed out one very important part.

You missed out one very important part. No, no, no. Chris Henry kissed you first. No. I heard that. Chris Henry kissed you first. I've heard it in length. I'm putting it in a nutshell.

Yeah, but you have to put that part in. Overruled. How is that overruled? Objection overruled. Chris Henry kissed you. Silence in the court. Chris Henry kissed you. You'll get your moment.

Then in a bit, this is my moment. No, no, no. Because people don't know what the fuck you're talking about just now. Keep'm just gonna fill them in keep going god thank you so he kissed jane it's the third person he kissed and uh she didn't know what was going on i mean nobody really knew what was going on but she super didn't know what was going on but out and uh her boyfriend steve saw it from across the room and didn't see the like big game and like shenan know what was going on. But out. And her boyfriend, Steve, saw it from across the room and didn't see the big gaming shenanigans that was going on beforehand, just saw Stanley kissing his bird.

So I talked Steve down from doing anything hot-headed. I was like, oh, Steve, come on, I know he kissed your bird, but we're on hold. Give him a high five. And then about an hour later, after Steve simmered, well, he didn't simmer. He kind of boiled over. He just ran up

and he slapped the lips off Andrew Stanley and then grabbed his head and started revenge kissing him and it was a

fucking joy to behold and now we'll have the victim and the culprit I mean that's what I'm saying there's nothing really to change

except if in the nutshell you have to say Chris Henry kissed you first because that was the only reason I started kissing people

because it was like well we're all kissing people I mean it's starting to get a bit of a fucking big nutshell isn't it it's like a coconut shell at this point it's a coconut shell like if I'm going to leave out any facts it would be that Chris Henry kissed me first you know

I'm not going to leave out the bit where you got slapped no because then it looks like I just started randomly kissing people well just because Chris Henry kissed someone didn't mean you needed to fucking take the safety catch off your lips last week Chris Henry jumped off a cliff and you jumped off after him Henry kissed someone didn't mean you needed to fucking take the safety catch off your lips. Last week, Chris Henry jumped off a cliff and you jumped off after him. So, yeah.

I didn't. Chris Dreadsetter Henry. The only thing to change, really, would be the slap. The bit you forgot to mention was the slap was from behind. It was from the front? No, it was around the side. As he was walking up. You were, like, kind of side-straddle on a... Yeah, facing you....on a park bench. Facing you, and he was walking up. You were like getting a side straddle on a park bench.

Yeah, facing you. Facing you and he was coming up towards you. Remember? So he sucker slapped you. So it was around the side.

That was the part. Next you're going to tell me you started kissing the back of your neck. First of all, he kissed my neck. He didn't kiss your lips. Then he slapped my neck

and then kissed my arse. It seemed to graduate into some freaky shit when I left. The only, the thing that I was listening to when Sam was saying that I slapped him

last year in London that's Sloss's birthday so that goes back yeah because it turned out you've got a check on history of slap kissing no that goes back to a thing right

so electric picnic last year I was there with my friend Sarah and so we decided that it would be great fun to just randomly

slap each other to freak people out like happy slapping yeah yeah but like proper like you know like getting gradually harder and harder

so Sam like a game of boogies yeah exactly but with slapping a woman in public and vice versa right because everybody

thought I was there with her on a date kind of thing right and so Sam was there and we were explaining to him and he was loving it. He was like, what a great thing to do. So then that came up again at Sloss' birthday and we agreed to do it in front of Loveridge

because Loveridge arrived late that day. So we went, let's do it in front of Loveridge. He'll freak out. So that was a pre-planned thing. So you're claiming that Sam already knew about this? Yeah, he just forgot. Oh, he forgot. I believe him. Oh, he forgot as in...

You've got a history of changing the facts, Andrew. He forgot as in they raised it an hour beforehand. Fake news. Fake news. Why would he randomly go,

I bet you'd love to slap me? Propaganda. And you should have seen what was funny was he totally forgot to say as well. Loveridge freaked out. He didn't know

what was going on. He properly was like, like is he okay why are you slapping him what's going on is there something going on here like it was it was amazing you never the pacifist leverage oh my god sweetheart it was amazing where it's not quite the connection is that but you know when you hold your hand palm up underneath your chin so if you hold your hand flat put your fingertips against your chin and palm facing like out like not out to the same way your face is facing

but sideways and get someone to slap that hand it looks like they're slapping your face and I do that with my goddaughters all the time

I've got like teenage goddaughters and I'll always get them to like hold out their hand and then I'll slap their hand but to me friend the parents of the girls behind them

it just looks like I've slapped the face of the bit in your little girl. It's just like, I'll never do it again, Shelly. They probably ham it up as well. Can I slap this? So then the end of that night then as well, I ended up going to a house party

with some of the lads from PJ's. We went to a house party like 20 minutes outside the city yeah um so how funny is this right so we get into this uber to get to this house party and about 10 minutes into the uber journey i'm like which way are we going we're going definitely on the wrong way right and i go to him i'm like sorry where are you going he goes airport terminal one i was like no not airport terminal one we're going to this address right here and he's like was it in your uber it was in my uber right but it turns out he'd picked up the wrong person maybe we were both named andrew or something like that he picked the wrong person

same pickup spot yeah because all you need to do is stand there looking purposeful like oh there's my guy yeah especially that time so what it was four in the morning five in the morning something like that so i was like well we want to go to this address and he was going oh well i don't know what to do now and i was like just change the address it'll be fine don't worry about it and he goes okay because but it was the other guy's uber right so the other guy had already changed mine and he was on the way to the airport so i could see my car going to the airport so you were paying for an uber at the airport and he was paying for it so then he goes right fine i'll go down here and then he goes oh well i mean you'll have to give me cash or something i was like no just it'll be

sorted through uber like you don't pay cash you don't give cash to an uber driver you know it's all get sorted through one of the they're all going to come off cards and it'll all get balanced out right it's fine and he goes well no I need cash I was like well I'm not giving you cash you know I'm at the house now you've no like you've no seller's rights here at all you know what I mean so me and Rory Lowe we get out of the cab right we go into the house crack open a beer we're sitting there all of a sudden like why are there police outside right so the Uber drivers call these four police right

for you cab jumping but you didn't cab jump it's not a fucking cab and I still paid a bill yeah exactly right so the police come in and they're properly

the four it's three male cops and a female cop and the female cop is a trainee we're out of our box we're so fucking wrecked and you see them

walking up and they're serious they're kind of going this guy guy's kind of telling us where the uber thing blah blah and i was like this hold on one second she can't be a cop where's your dick right oh you didn't she starts laughing they all start laughing two minutes later we're doing selfies with the cops and the uber driver are you inappropriately racist on stage the other day. We got away with it with charm. Asking this fucking guy how big his dick was.

Just because he's black. I'll hear that. He did do that. And everyone's just enjoying it because you're a fucking cheeky Irish guy. And you need to fucking slap a little bit of misogyny to a female officer. But it's all right because you've got a glint in your eye. It was amazing. One of the cops literally,

as soon as that happened, he put his sunglasses on and then, there's not going to be any trouble here. And then he just stood there chatting away to us. The Uber driver just got his non-meter running because he's not a taxi.

Well, yeah, the Uber driver's dead and the job's finished and I'm still going, well, it's all gone through Uber. Like, I've paid for an airport fare.

So I don't know what you want me to do. Like, how am I going to get that back? Are you going to go arrest that Uber driver? You should have went and put the Uber driver under citizen's arrest Can you put people under citizen's arrest? I don't know if it's a thing Is it a thing that actually happens?

Kerry's in the garden right now just having a cigarette We could totally arrest him Should we go and put Kerry under citizen's arrest? Nah, he's a nice guy Nah, we'll leave him for now He's having a good time Not a dear Kerry Yeah, soon though

Your time will come so this is the house party that i was at as well where we were drinking really late and it was all like got to like early morning like 10 kind of half 10 that kind of time and i fell asleep in the garden you know obviously as you know yeah weather is here is a little bit extreme oh he has me thinking you've just been blushing for the whole podcast exactly so i fell asleep in the garden and uh the next day was shown i'll we'll replay what happened during the day but the next day was shown a video of somebody on snapchat and as they were filming they were like we're trying to decide whether to let the irish guy just sleep through his gigs or wake him up and get him out of the sun and i was like all of those get me out of the sun do all of that

they let me sleep for an hour and a half in the sun. In the sun. And you missed your gigs. At midday. Fucking sleeping beauty. Unbelievable. I woke up. So I woke up at midday.

You know what wakes sleeping beauty up? Kisses. Kisses. So I was like, where is everybody? Where is everybody? I've been trying to wake everybody up for two days. So then I woke up. Went back to like, tried to go back to sleep.

Went to bed. Fell asleep. And then woke up at 5 to 11. When there was 5 minutes left in my last gig yeah we were we were just doing your gigs and shit

yeah Kerry was an Irish person yeah Kerry became Irish he ate the best of Irish didn't he yeah yeah got Irish roots ripped it absolutely ripped it

and eh yeah so basically we had a we had a WhatsApp conversation a while back where you were like you were calling me all the pussies under the sun

because I haven't been drinking lately and then you got into a discussion about you could go toe-to-toe with me and then we went toe-to-toe and you slept through all of your gigs and i got up and went to the gym yeah i know i just boxed the shit out of your toe-to-toe no when you get up went to the gym you already slept for six hours i've been up all night i stayed on it i don't know you did i claim it in party yeah you did exactly trying to get me flat made trying to get a house party

going hilarious so much fear in his eyes I haven't seen this in a while so that was a little over

a week ago eight days ago Thursday now it was last Wednesday when that happened we've been pretty casual since then

had a couple of glasses of wine yeah I think alright didn't do much over the weekend tonight Milan is in town

oh no do you know Milan I know Milan of course you know Milan no but I've never actually hung out with Milan right so Milan

and now I know at least I won't have to bring out a wallet with me he's so enigmatic right he's like fucking nobody quite knows

what he does he likes the idea of not really sharing the information it's fucking really cool I think it's something to do with production last time I saw him

he was cutting about with his leg he's from LA right he's from Serbia via Australia Australia via Serbia right Melbourne based

I'm sure but he's from Belgrade right so he becomes like a Serbian benefactor. He fucking waves around this company credit card. I don't know what the company is.

I don't even know if it's a company credit card or his, right? But that's not his only value. Like, sometimes you get people like that, that are like fucking buying rounds for the bar. But that's like almost like a USP and that reason from the end. But this dude's a fucking legit dude, man. I love having him. So,, man. I love him. So I've never actually met him. How weird is that?

You haven't? No, so Edinburgh last year. You've probably had a shot of him. No, no, I did. That's the thing. I remember last year in Edinburgh, he came back with a round of shots and I felt weird

even like trying to take one because I'd never met the guy. So I distanced myself from it. I've tried to buy him drinks back and he like he just like looks at us and shakes his head

like yeah well the reason it wasn't that I felt weird taking a shot from somebody I'd never met it was that I felt weird taking a shot because I knew it was him

and it would look like I just went he must be Milan is that a shot thank you you know what I mean yeah he probably does get people that are like that

but I think he does a good job of surrounding himself with the right people. Because every time I'm cutting a boat with him, it's like, well, fucking Sloss and Cordy. Yeah. It's always a good crew that he holds good company. It's not like he's just fucking buying the affection of strangers. Yeah, that's fair enough.

But we go fucking wild, man. And it just seems to be where a night out with Milan will pop up in whatever city. I'll be in edinburgh and he'll not even announce his arrival you'll just fucking rock up and walk into my gig i'll be on stage and i'll be like milan's here and then i'll fucking rock up in vegas i knew cody was going to be there and then fucking there's milan propping the bar amazing oh my god those fucking limousines and everything that night and it turns Jesus. And it turns out, fucking, he's just arrived. I just got the text off.

I'm just going, just landed in Adelaide. Where you at? Oh, my God. So, I'm going to leave the bike at home tonight. I wasn't even going to drink tonight.

I'm going to come out of retirement one more time. You keep coming out of retirement. It's almost like I'm not retired. A lot of farewell tours. Like both schools. Actually, speaking of, speaking of Cody and angry, beardy comedians. So last night in the Rhino Room.

Cody ain't angry. Well, you hear this. Oh, what's he doing? So last night we were in the Rhino Room, right? I think Cody is as strong as an ox. He can bench 50 kilos dumbbells, one in each hand. Probably, yeah. Wouldn't suppose.

He'd be looking to find a gym with 50s in them just just benched children when he does a press-up he actually pushes the earth oh my god i think that's an old chuck norris joke yeah ridiculous so right now i'm in rhino i was doing setlist last night and it was just before you arrived so did you notice cody popping in popping in like freaking out a little bit with one of the bar girls? I saw him, like, having a little bit of friendly, jovial banter. Right. So I went back out to the bar then to see what was happening

because Maddie was one of the bar girls there and she was kind of freaking out a bit. And I walk out and I'm like, what's going on? And he's like, what? And he's, like, apologising to her and everything. And I was like, what? And she's like, no, don't worry about it, don't worry about it. And then the manager was like, give him a shot, give him a shot.

You have a shot as well. Everybody have a shot. Just calm down. I was like, what is happening here, give him a shot, you have a shot as well. Everybody have a shot, just calm down. I was like, what is happening here? In Rhino Room. Yeah, in Rhino Room.

So Rhino Room is an institution that's like the comedy club of Adelaide. So we're doing the fringe, it becomes a multi-purpose venue, there's a hangout, there's a cafe there, there's a couple of rooms.

Yeah, it's a good stand in Edmure Glasgow. Yeah, it's a good stand, it's a staff room. It's a high-five in Melbourne. It's a comedy venue staff room

where all the comedians are now. So Cody will be pretty well-renowned in there. He'll be known, yeah. Was it Craig Egan that was getting on the shots? No, no, no. It wasn't Craig. No, it was like the bar managers, you know? So that's the picture painted.

So it's all painted, yeah. So then I'm talking to Cody. I'm like, what happened there? And he goes, he'd been all like casual and kind of very apologetic. And he goes, I'll tell you what happened.

The girl's a fucking idiot that's what happened oh no he goes he was like I walked in this is the story from what he's told me

right okay but he was very like keeping it on the down low because we were still in the rhino and he didn't seem to be chugging them back last night

no he wasn't it's a proper thing so what happened was he orders a drink right he gets his drink and then he either goes to the toilet

or he goes to say hello to a comic or something like that whatever right and when he comes back he's like oh can I get my card back and she goes

oh I gave you a card to that guy and Cody's like what guy and he's like oh the guy said he knew you so I gave him your card what the fuck

and Cody's like what the fuck are you talking about like you can't just, what? Especially with contactless payment now. That guy's got a full tank of cat rolls. Now, it turns out that... He's got a meal deal.

It turns out he did know him. But Cody arrived on his own. Yeah. So it's irrelevant. So Cody's just going, some fucking prick's just taking my card. See, that wasn't not Greg Fleet. That's who he was still at the bar with when I left.

No, no, no. Because that would make sense. That was later on. No, it wasn't Fleetie. It was another, he might have been in a comic, but it was another guy who was inside at Set List watching the show.

So he loses at this girl. He's like, you're fucking joking me. What the fuck? And he's like shouting everything. But then when I arrived, he was all like, I'm so sorry. You know, it's just my car. It's only a car.

Then he goes, I was like, so were you just apologizing like that because, and he's like, yeah, because I know I'm going to be here the next 10 nights in a row. That's right. I was like, yeah, that's fair enough. nights in a row but he was telling me that he tells me he was telling me he had this routine he has this routine about um going to uh his wife is able to uh the cheers wife is able to spot when he's three

questions or three sentences away from losing it it's such a great routine yeah yeah such a great routine where she she tells him like not to not to do something well it's such a great routine yeah yeah such a great routine where she tells him not to do something the example he gave me last night was Subway he said they walked into a Subway once and they were standing at the counter

getting ready to order and just as they said what can I get you to Cody she was like let's go this isn't going to work and he was like

what are you talking about it's not going to work and he goes yeah get a foot long on wheat bread on Italian herbs and cheese I was like yeah yeah and what do you want

he goes oh like a meatball marinara all the toppings yeah yeah and what do you want he goes oh like a meatball marinara all the toppings yeah yeah what sauce do you want I'll have a sweet chilli sauce oh sorry sir we've no sweet chilli sauce

and it was just like boom oh my god and then he's like why have you no sweet chilli sauce and he goes oh we're out for the weekend it's Friday at 6pm

what are you talking about you shouldn't be fucking ordering and his wife's just standing there going three sentences ago I called this it's like a a really fucking tame version of Sherlock Holmes you know the Benedict Cumberbatch one where he projects everything that happens

and then it all falls into place what a skill to have she uses her Sherlock Holmes powers to stop Coley from making a fool of himself Roscoe MacLellan was saying the same thing Roscoe and his new fiance Lindsay just proposed like two days ago

and he was saying they were in a cab on the way back the other day and you know Christopher MacArthur Boyd was hammered and he's sitting behind

Roscoe in the cab just hitting him in the back of the head so these are two Scottish comedians best mates yeah they're doing all

the compilation shows and everything so he's hitting him in the back of the head and he's like you don't like that part you don't like that part you don't like that part you don't like that part

and Lindsay apparently just saw that Roscoe was about five seconds away from turning around and just punching Simeon in the face and just turned around

to Simeon and she was like so are you going to miss Sam when she's gone and just started distracting him for the next like seven minutes yeah what a skill to have

well you want a girlfriend that sees that coming and then just kind of like squints and nods and go it's about to go down just let it happen she knows it's going to happen

you want to make sure she's the pacifier not the aggressor this is going to be fun you don't want fuel on the fire yeah just so it supports you supports you all the way

through your fucking through your breakdown hey because we've been rolling over on a lot of the podcasts should we should we rolling over on a lot of the podcasts should we should we start get some stuff out of the way

let's do it we'll start some Muggle Corners now and but thanks for thanks for the little update with what's going on

update on life do you know so Roscoe who we mentioned there Scottish comedian that's over for the compilation shows proposed to his girlfriend

at the zoo at a wildlife park at a wildlife park Grange wildlife park. But two of the other comics were dangerously close to just inviting themselves along on the trip. Like, oh, I've always wanted to go to the wildlife park. Oh, really?

It was actually Steve and Jane from Kissgate. Kissgate. How funny. 2017. So they were like, oh, that sounds good. I'm going to go. And he's like, yeah, I mean, come along if you want. Don't be over there at that time.

So, Muggle Corner. We're about to fucking cast the finger of mugglery. We're about to do the opposite of Dirty Dancing. Nobody puts muggle in a corner. Everybody puts muggle in a corner. Everybody puts these muggles in a corner. Muggles belong in a corner. Muggle.

Explain what a muggle cunt is. Everybody puts these muggles in a corner. Muggles belong in a corner. Muggle. Explain what a muggle cunt is. The Airbnb where we're staying is owned by a muggle. They have a framed picture on their wall which says, always try to laugh. Oh, God.

That's a muggly thing. They would have got that and went, oh, there's a comedian staying. There's a comedian staying. They're going to love this. This will be a bit of a bender for the boys. Our landlady got in touch saying, I hope this isn't too intrusive,

but I noticed you left the porch light on last night. That's fair enough. Fair enough, I was fucking playing chess. No, that's fair enough. I saw her and I looked out the window and I said, that lamp is still on. I'll just play fucking chess in the dark because it's past your bedtime, you muggle cunt.

Jesus. I mean, she can probably hear us. Most aggressive chess player I've ever seen. Yeah, so muggles are people who do just the normal, everyday things and don't use their brains to engage a different angle of attack on certain things. Like, love, live, laugh. Yeah. I think that was the opening gambit on Muggle Corner.

Was it? And I instantly put my mom and dad in Muggle Corner because they've got a live, laugh, love. Oh, my God. And they've got a picture of me on stage on the laugh frame. They've got a picture of Gav hiking through the woods on the live one. And on the live one, they've got my sister and a boy. It's really sweet.

So they're not in love with you or Gav? Muggles. Yeah, so it's that or it's que it queuing for uh queuing for flights we've already got seats yeah it's it's all standard stuff it's um it's not a bad thing don't like don't take it hard i mean some of some of it we've actually labeled as country yeah but a lot of the time that means it's not muggly it's just country yeah and you should stay in the corner forever so um so don't be too disheartened when we put you

in the corner over the next 20 to 30 minutes I love that actually I only realise right now that when we say something like that

don't beat yourself up too much if we say something like this or don't get yourself the power we think we have in our words like the muggle whisperer

but the power we think we have with our thoughts as if people are going to go I can't believe Andrew Staley well it did a couple of people like fucking

Ricketts was saying I thought you were a bit harsh at first when I first started listening to the podcast I thought you were a bit fucking cold blooded

and then like once you listen to a few and realise that it's just mugglery it's like everything everyone's getting hit we'll point the gun

at myself and all that shit but people were getting head over about it man that's true like not I don't know

muggles Muggles. So do you want to go first? I'll go first. I'll tell you what. I'll number mine. Give you a choice. Which one do you want me to do? One, two or three? Oh shit. Are you going to do the same no matter what number I say? One adventure cast. No. I'll stop you. I'll have 2.5.

I'll have pie. You're going to get half a muggle mixed with a muggle. Here we go. Ready. Muggles put clothes on their pets. Yes, they do. I think that might already be in the corner. Really? But let's hear it.

Yeah, it should 100% be in the corner. Let's hear it. Have you seen much of it here in Australia? A little bit. Because is it a warm animal? No. So I saw it in... It reminded me. I was in a pet shop the other day looking at brand new baby turtles. Why wouldn't you?

Great day. Great day, just looking at tanks of baby turtles. And I saw loads of dog outfits, dog jumpers, dog sweaters, dog waistcoats. Have you heard my Touching the Turtles routine, which is based on a friend's true story? So I'm going to tell you the friend's true story of what happened to him i've told us over a game of cards so he's fucking touching the turtles in a sea life center and i've adapted this into a joke where it happens to me yeah it's sometimes easier to do that you bring the story closer to home when you're on stage this cuts the words like you see how this is very wordy you don't want that on stage no this is gold my pal was touching the turtles

at an aquarium sea life centre and the member of staff told him to go wash his hands and when he's washing his hands there's a bloke

in the toilet fucking drying his hands going you touched the turtles didn't you and they were kindred idiots proper idiots

so Pet Shop and you saw all of the mugglery you just saw all of the likeugglery yeah just saw all of the like just anything like that

you know like like a tuxedo for a dog or you know like and I've got I've got a name as a listener

yeah Mary Mary and Soraya who were who were hanging about at all the festivals and the fringes and life were good friends

they dressed their dogs like muggles yeah yeah my sister does it the dog's the muggle as well the for good friends they dress their dogs like muggles yeah yeah my sister does it the dog's the muggle as well the dog needs to go in the corner too little doggo

because that dog like if I was a dog I'd try to put I wouldn't be letting myself on it tux on us someone's getting bitten I don't care if you feed us

yeah there's no way I'm serving up any food dressed as a waiter like if a dog wants to wear clothes right just fold it up put it in its basket,

and it'll put it on itself in its own time. If he really wants that jumper. If he really wants it on, it'll put it on. Especially, like, I especially get annoyed when it's, like, a proper, like, fluffy dog. You know what I mean? Like, they've got the coat. Yeah.

You know what I mean? There's no reason for it. You're doing it for your own attention. It's like you putting on skin over your skin you know uh soraya maxwell cried because munchie got a bad haircut oh really so you it's quite common that if a girl gets a bad haircut they might get upset about it right she got upset that dog got a bad haircut and i was laughing at how funny that was that she got upset about a dog having a bad haircut but she was so upset

about it because she showed us a photo of the dog and it looked like I don't know how a dog can look like a prisoner of war

but it did it looked like it had been in a concentration camp before oh my god it's seen some shit it had seen some shit

it's seen some shit it looked like it had been through hell oh my god and she got upset because people started responding to it differently so this dog had been living hell. Oh, my God. And she got upset because people started responding to it differently. So this dog had been living his life, this cute fucking dog that everybody loves and comes up to and is like, yeah.

And then all of a sudden people are just like, ugh. And responded to the dog differently. She thought the dog's quality of life had dropped. Oh, my God. Even though the dog literally couldn't give a shit. Amazing. Yeah. I think it's mainly dogs, right?

It's mainly dogs. Cats don't allow it to happen, really, do they? Nah. Cats just look at you like, I'll scratch your eyes out. They know what's good. Yeah, I'll scratch your eyes out

and then I won't come home again for seven days and you'll think I'm missing. They'll arrive back and you'll treat me like a god. You've just got to look at that situation and go, I love the cat more

the cat's got some self respect the cat's got some self respect the dog's walking around dressed like a little royal court jester it's annoying yeah and I think I've said this before I'll say it again is that when you're dressing your dog up

to look like a human that means you like people, not animals. Because this is my logic, right? It's like if you find it cute when an animal acts like a human, it sits up like a human, right? It wears clothes like a human or any stuff like that, right? But if a human acts like an animal, like fucking shits in the garden, bites a stranger, right?

You think that human's a monster because it acted like a dog. Yeah, you think the dog's amazing if it acted like a stranger. Yeah. Right? You think that human's a monster because it acted like a dog. Yeah. Yeah, you think the dog's amazing if it acted like a human. So if you love dogs to the point you dress them like humans, you don't love dogs so much. Yeah. Just have a baby. Just have a kid. Have a baby. Just stop lying to yourself.

Yeah. Especially because your dog's name is like a child's name. Phoebe or something. Stephen. Stephen. Brian or something like that. Like SpongeBob Gary the Snail. Just have a kid, SpongeBob.

Just get a kid. Find a nice girl. So there you go. Yeah. Muggles put clothes on pets. Yeah. I think that's, you know what? It's been said before.

It's been put in Muggle Corner. But go and have yourself another 20 seconds at least. Dressed as a dog. Dressed as a dog. As a fairy. People do that, you know. There's a fairy scene. People like dress as animals and shit and fuck.

Bonk. Eat foods off basins on the floor. Oh, my God. Tom Horton. Your friend tells us, whatever. Tell me, boy. Tom Horton probably does that. I reckon Tom Horton would probably do a fairy.

Yeah, 100%. That is what's called as the fairies. I don't know. They dress as animals. I mean, I can't imagine they'll look like animals. They're just going to be wearing, like, cartoony suits. Of course they don't know. They dress as animals. I mean, I can't imagine they'll look like animals. They're just going to be wearing like cartoony suits. Of course,

they don't look like animals. You're not going to go, oh my God, is that my mate Jonathan or is that a greyhound? If you put some money into it, like the fucking... What are you talking about?

What am I talking about? If you put some money into it, like they did with the Cadbury's advert with the fucking gorilla that played the drums. You know that's not CGI. That's a dude in a gorilla suit. A fucking really good gorilla suit. You think you could do that with a dog? If a with dogs. You know that's not CGI, that's a dude in a gorilla suit, right? Yes, you think... A fucking really good gorilla suit.

You think you could do that with a dog? Like, if a fairy, like, really went for it, they would feel like they were being fucked by a gorilla. I'm just saying, it can't be done.

You can go to, like, a budget economy fairy night where someone just goes to a fancy dress costume shop, gets a Scooby-Doo outfit, and fucks your Scooby, right? You just think you're getting fucked

off a dude wearing a Scooby-Doo outfit. You're not beingoby, right? You just think you're getting fucked off a dude wearing a Scooby-Doo outfit. You're not being a furry. But if a guy actually dresses in the looks of the animal... I'm just saying, it's not my particular fetish, but if it was...

Are you sure it's not yours? If it was, I'd just spend a bit of money. In for a penny, in for a dog pound. There it is. And I heard that joke. Normally,

them little jokes that you lay down... They go way over. You know what? I don't ignore them. I I heard that joke. Normally, them little jokes that you laid down. They go way over. You know what? I don't ignore them. I save them for later. Because I listen back sometimes. Just leave me still a little treat.

Go on, let's hear it. Let's hear it. Right, this is something that's been happening to us recently. I've put myself

in the world, so I've become subject to it. But then it ended up people talking about it on Facebook. And I'd like to bring it into public forum. Muggles discredit you for listening to audiobooks, as if you haven't read the book. That's an interesting one. So I'm going to tell you my stance at the minute.

I'll probably read more books than I'll listen to books. I listen to them because I want it to plow through the Harry Potter books. And sometimes you can't always sit down and read when you live a hectic life, stay like I do, sitting around the garden. Are you listening to an audiobook right now? So I try to read as many books as I listen to books. But sometimes I'm on my bike. Sometimes I'm walking somewhere. You're cutting about.

You're doing things. You're doing the dishes. You're having dinner. You fucking wipe your headphones on, Bose QuietComfort 35s. Just put that in there. I plug them in all the time. One day I'll get sponsorship, I swear to God.

So it's like you can't always have the fucking book in your hand, so you listen to it. And then people will be like, oh, well, you didn't read it, did you? That comes up a lot when you're like, oh, I listened to it on audiobook, so you didn't read it. And I'm like, hold on,, you didn't read it, did you? And that comes up a lot when you're like, oh, I listened to it on audiobook. So you didn't read it. And I'm like, hold on.

If I didn't furnish you with that information and we talked about the book, I would still know everything about the book. Like I could talk to you about the story. I could share the knowledge. I could talk about the book. So I've ingested the book. I've took it in just via my ears. Yet some people take it upon themselves to get this like snubbery like, well, it's not the book. I've took it in just via my ears. Yet some people take it upon themselves to get this snubbery,

like, well, it's not the same. It's interesting. I've never listened to an audiobook in my life. I think they've nailed it. I wasn't enamored by the idea, but then when I found out Stephen Fry had done the Harry Potter books and I wasn't that interested in the Harry Potter books,

I thought, well, fucking Stephen Fry can talk to me all day. Yeah. I mean, when I say I haven't listened to them it's just because I just prefer listening to music more when I'm listening to stuff but then again I don't read as much as I used to anymore sometimes when I'm cycling

I'll have drifted off into thought and I'll have to rewind the book but that happens when you're reading anyway sometimes you'll have to go back a couple of pages but that does happen but with reading anyway sometimes you like fucking have to go back a couple of pages but that does happen but with music that just decorates time music decorates time you don't need to be

zoned into it or anything you can just let it fucking wash over you and that's what's nice about listening to music but ahead of an audiobook an audiobook does take a level of concentration

yeah I think there's definitely a level of snobbery I suppose that's what it is isn't it it's like people who go to a lesser degree, people who watch a movie

instead of reading a book. You know? Which is obviously like people go, yeah, but that's not, of course, that's like,

you know what I mean? It's kind of. I'm definitely in the camp of I've read the book about most classic movies where I've read the book first. Yeah, yeah. But it's not something that like.

You're not going to let it ruin your day. Nah, I'm not going to let it ruin the movie. Yeah. But sometimes, like something that like You're not going to let it ruin your day. Nah. I'm not going to let it ruin the movie. Yeah. But sometimes like with Gone Girl

I couldn't watch the film because I'd read the book. Certain times reading the book will spoil the movie. I actually have watched say

The Girl on the Train. Yeah. So I've watched that but I haven't read the book. And I want to read the book because I really didn't enjoy

the movie. Because I thought it was like so overrated but it had been hyped up so much because of the book. Everyone bangs on about Coronation Street and I want to read the book because I really didn't enjoy the movie because I thought it was like so overrated but it had been hyped up so much because of the book. Everyone bangs on about Coronation Street and I haven't seen it. I've read the book though. I've read all the books. All the books.

I've got like a book. I've got an audio book. It's been read to me. You know Two Girls, One Cup? Yeah. Read the book? Audio book. Never seen it.

Audio book? Just audio book. Oh wow. It's just. Do the two voices. I've never seen Two girls in one cup. Is that the noise they make? Why are you doing that?

Are you alright? Is that the noise? Do they do that noise in it? They're supposed to be there having a shit. What do they do? They shit in a cup and eat it. Why do they do that? So that we would talk about them one day.

Oh, well, they got what they wanted. I should also say, it's Stephen Fry who does that audiobook as well. He hates girls? Here we see one girl. I don't say, well, it's Stephen Fry who does that audiobook as well. He hates girls? Here we see one girl. I don't think he hates girls. He's just there for the cup. Oh, my God.

I went sexually because it's a porn, isn't it? He does write in his gear, doesn't he? Is he bi? He's gay, yeah. I don't know. He probably wouldn't like them girls anyway. Even if he was heterosexual he'd probably be like

oh come on girls no he'd be in there oh girls oh they're in the bathroom oh yes I was about to make a cup of tea it's gonna stink

oh that's my that's my world's best china world's best china cup I literally got that from the queen I was trying to say that's my world's best

audiobook reader but I couldn't find the word narrator in my head oh that's my world's best audiobook reader, but I couldn't find the word narrator in my head. Oh, that's my world's best narrator cup. Oh, my God. So anyway, Stephen Fry probably wouldn't like Two Girls, One Cup as well. I don't think he would. But yeah, so there's a snobbery.

It is a level of snobbery, but I think rather than where it can be snobbery when you say, oh, I've read the book ahead of the movie, that is a little bit more like you're immersing yourself in the story. That's how the story was meant to be told. It's theatre of the mind. And it's like, when you watch a film, you can't get in the heads of the characters.

Like Stephen King films are great, but the books, you get so fucking far into the mind that you're like, how could you even make a film of this? How could you make this with pictures? This is so psychological. So the book can do that ahead of the movie, so you can have a little layer of snobbery

about it whereas there's no justified level of snobbery of how you take the book in whether it's free or not no exactly yeah I don't know if it's

I ate a book the other day and everyone's like it's not the same when you taste it oh my god everyone snobs snobs

snob corner snobs be snubbed snooby snub yeah what about if someone braille read a book and cut it through feel? Would somebody there go, well, it's not the same as reading it, reading it with braille?

Yeah, it's not the same. Like, would the person that is snobby about me listening to an audiobook be snobby to someone using it braille-wise? Or would they go, oh, actually, now that I've seen that angle, I'm being a dick I mean

yeah definitely I would look at the person reading a braille book and go why are you not listening to it I can never see eye to eye

with those people oh my god I wish I'd saved that one for later yeah I don't know it's definitely it's definitely a weird thing

for people to get annoyed that you haven't read the book properly yeah and half the time as well these people probably haven't even read it probably just

holding their stance through their own insecurity that they're not taking books in because they're so busy and they could have been reading books if they listened anyway

get in the corner do you reckon like 10 seconds it's all enough I mean we've only done 20 seconds before because they've already spent it you know what I mean Get in the corner, do you reckon? Like 10 seconds. It's all enough. I mean, we've only done 20 seconds before because they've already spent it. You know what I mean? They're out with 50 seconds in the corner. Yeah, actually, no.

Yeah, corner. Yeah, we'll put them in the corner. Because I think it's going to be a very small amount of people. I don't think it's as often as maybe you think it is. I don't know. Like, I've never thought about somebody because they've listened to audiobooks rather than read books. And I've never listened to an audiobook.

Well, when you put it on Facebook, the audio bullies come out. The audio bullies? Yeah. Audio schvitz. I'm just sitting here in a library and we're not fucking happy. Do it.

All right, they're in the corner. Here we go. Muggles get annoyed when you don't notice something different about them oh man like new haircut

or lost some weight or the tan or well the weight thing is a tough one because you can't mention it anyway

yeah because you can't be like hey you're looking slim because you're just going hey past you was a fat cunt yeah you know that that's funny

I lost maybe two stone I think maybe a stone and a half a couple of years ago. And somebody comes to me and they were like, well, yeah, you were getting a bit heavy there. I'm like, why wouldn't you tell me? What are you talking about? Like, that could have used that information a year ago. But I think it's the slim thing. It's kind of more of it. But it's more the smaller ones.

The only people get annoyed that you don't notice a new haircut or like maybe a new jacket or something like that and you're like that's not my job it's not my job to notice things about your new life

you should just be happy you look different I don't notice shit anyway I'm really bad at it when you know if someone leaves the dynamic and you ask me

what they were wearing I'd be like pfff oh really fucking no idea. Like, sometimes I don't know what colour people's hair is. Like, is there Corey Ginger?

Yeah. Yeah, because someone mentioned that the other day and I was just like, is he? Yeah, well, he's kind of like, he's like ginger in a way you're a ginger. You're a little bit darker than him. Yeah.

He's definitely got a red beard. Yeah, but like most people do. Like, most people have like a ginger pigment in their beard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. got a red beard. Yeah, but like most people do. Like most people have like a ginger pigment in their beard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Regardless of the hair. Yeah, but he's kind of like, yeah, he's kind of reddish brown hair.

I'd say most people like, probably people in Afghanistan don't have ginger beards. Or women. But if they could grow beards, they would. If they could grow beards, they would.

See, I'm just so like unobservant with people. I've already I've had discussions this way about aphantasia like being mind blind like I haven't got

a very like for someone that reads books I can't really well you listen to books make a picture with my mind like I

it's all zeros and ones yeah it's like the matrix I think in binary you're like Neo like Neo like you don't exist. I'm the one.

Yeah. Like I had a thing. So last week I was doing a show. And there was a guy who came to the show, one of the best of British show, where the guy had the short shorts on. Yeah. And so he was there on a date with this girl called Rachel.

The next day he came back. It was Russ. Russ. Yeah, yeah. Russ and Rachel. Next day he came back on his own. Right? Russ yeah, yeah. Russ and Rachel. Next day he came back on his own, right? Russ, all dressed up.

And so then I was like, oh, any single girls in? And there was another single girl there that night and her name was Rachel as well. So I set them up, right? I took his phone, put her phone number into it,

rang her so that she hadn't fake numbered or anything. Then I bumped into them on Wednesday night and they had gone on Tuesday night and they'd gone on four dates in five days. Oh wow.

This is the second Rachel. This is the second Rachel. So you got Russ and Rachel. Russ and Rachel. Then Russ and Rachel too. They didn't work out. So you were like, I'm going to find you a new Rachel. This is too good to let go. And you found them a new Rachel. So it was almost friends twice. Friends with benefits by the sound of it

they were on four dates and five days and the reason this popped into my head is because when I saw Russ I was like what a week for you four dates and five days

and you've had yourself a little haircut and he was like she didn't even notice that oh he was mad he was like a split thing and she was like I didn't even notice

he got a haircut but you noticed I was like I'm concentrating on your balls most of the time now I notice you had a haircut but you noticed I was like I'm concentrating on your balls most of the time now I notice you had a little haircut it was a nice haircut

pretty good haircut so you go around noticing people's changes but it's because it doesn't mean in the world of people should we make more

of an effort as a society to notice people's differences because like as well I think there's nothing more vulnerable

than being spat out of the hairdressers with a brand new haircut and you're just born into the world with this haircut that you're like, oh. When you bring a hat along? I've made a change. You bring a hat along or a hoodie or something like that?

Yeah. You're like, uh-oh. Nobody sees me until I get home and wash it and change it. I don't know if people should notice more, but maybe, I think the point is that, like, you shouldn't be getting annoyed about it. Man, you know when Wayne Deacon pointed out my back straps, the redistribution of my bag, the way I was wearing my bag on two shoulders instead of one, yesterday, I don't know what's

getting into him. Yeah, he commented that I was wearing shorts instead of long trousers. Like, oh, you're going on stage wearing shorts on there? Deacon's so funny. And then he went ahead and was like oh and you're wearing I think Cody might even chipped in as well

he just saw that I was putting up a resistance and Cody and Wayne Deacon were like aren't you wearing like black business socks he was saying yeah Cody said that to me

business socks Cody went I can't listen anymore to a guy who's wearing full socks I haven't I haven't I haven't conducted

business in my life yeah yeah yeah but yeah so I'm wearing shorts and socks and fucking my mates are commenting like they're fucking Gok Wan or something

ah Diggins Wayne Diggins how funny he is like I think he just has no social awareness at all maybe that's or he just doesn't care no but it's

I think it's quite a common thing to comment on what people are wearing though yeah well what I mean is that he was introducing CMB to Chris McArthur Boyd to Nick Cody and he was like oh this is a this is a cmb oh let

me tell you this guy first two weeks in perth he died every single night last two weeks smashed it you're like he says what he says doesn't he yeah yeah that's what it is i think he just doesn't care fires from the lips yeah um you You know, when I first met Natalie, the day I met Natalie, well, she was sitting in the gig where I got brought on. It was 2012, Rocknest, the comedy tent.

And so this guy had a bit of a fucking meltdown on stage and we had to go on and carry him off, right? It was Marty McLean. Oh, yeah, okay, yeah. Yeah, he had a bit of a fucking, I don't know, drug and juice meltdown on stage and he was going to faint and we carried him off right it was marty mclean oh yeah okay yeah he had a bit of fucking i don't know drug and juice meltdown on stage and he was gonna faint and we carried him off and then uh billy kirkwood was like okay you're up next are you ready to come on because it's like 15 minutes earlier than i was due to come on i was like yeah yeah sure and he went are you gonna come on like

that oh so he thought i was like gonna get changed in the 15 minutes before we set and i was wearing a blue wellies up to my knees right white patterned surf shorts and then this bright blue geoguy top oh my god it was just like

blue and white and blue and I just looked like fucking like blue Peter so it was like swamp surf and chav oh my god

they were the three the three sections of me body like you know when you create one of them drones where you fold a bit of paper three times

yeah and you draw someone draws the legs and then you pass it to someone so that that was Natalie's first image of us and she went create one of them drones where you fold a bit of paper three times and someone draws the legs and then you pass it to someone so that was Natalie's first

image of us and she went can't wait fuck that cunt that's mine get your eyes away from that girls that's mine

dibs on that can't wait to sit on his face dibs on the special needs he's going to fulfil my special needs

get him an ice cream on his mane so yeah that's it muggles get annoyed when you don't notice stuff about them yeah yeah yeah i think so go on let's hear yours or notice stuff about them as in like muggles get annoyed if you don't notice stuff about change change muggles notice stuff about you no changes about them as in stuff that's changed no i think i'm being harsh today you can't be a muggle if you notice the change.

You can't point it out. Yeah. But it's so generic to just rib someone about a change. Oh, happy new haircut. Is that a hairdo or a hairdoned? No, but even that's fine. Even that's fine. I'm talking about when they don't notice little things.

Yeah. Anyway, pedantism. Yeah, I think there's a certain level of neediness about wanting people to notice your shit. Yeah, if you're getting your hair cut you're getting a cuff for yourself yeah

yeah fuck it just stop putting stop putting on other people guys think about that

in the corner you little muggly my next one is muggles right they're naming wet cement walking down you followed the

pen I pointed I was walking down the path out there and someone wrote, Tom spoilt this pavement. Tom Horton. Tom Horton. Classic.

The lengths he will go to, literally, for a joke. The things he will spoil. Parties. Women. Lives. Atmosphere. Countries. Gigs.

Oh, God, so many. Tom spoilt this cement. At first, I wasries. Gigs. God, so many. Thomas put this event. At first, I was like, oh, look at that. And then I was like, oh, that guy stopped. It was like, this is going to make people laugh in the future. Yeah. And then he wrote it with whatever, a stick or his finger, probably alone. 100% alone.

100% alone, right. Otherwise, it would have been like Tom and Barry. And then left like mwahaha I'm the main ironicist of Adelaide like do you think I mean you'd have

to be pretty quick over here to do that Wetsamant would drive pretty quickly oh no he was still there with his finger in it he dried like an

old tail like an old kid's tail he was like a troll under a bridge oh no yeah he was still there

oh Tom yeah I think that's a because it's such a non imaginative thing to do yeah I guess it's in the same vein as the fucking

clean me sign on a van right we'll cover we'll cover clean me sign in a less did we do that or did they do that in a less shitty way uh huh because like that's obviously clean me you can clean it off it less did we do that or did they do that in a less shitty way because like

that's obviously clean me you can clean it off it's gone whereas this is like Tom did this oh brilliant Steve who just

fucking did all that work now looks like a moron now he's got to come back on council money council money he's coming out with a tax payout dollar

now we're being muggles he's having to muggle in us yeah I think you yeah yeah I think I think you know what I think it would have to be

something extremely funny to not be in the corner right what would it what would it be you're a comedian you think fast you've got

until the cement dries Australia time to think of something funny to write in that cement done Tom's spotless cement I bet his name

wasn't even Tom what were you rating it dry me I don't know what it would be what would be I'm only thinking

of a visual thing of somebody maybe trying to do it like somebody's sunk in the middle I would put Andrew Stanley loves kissing

it's not it's not fact creed IDST IDST. IDST. I'd like to get like two fake legs with shoes on the bottom

and stick them in upside down. So it looks like the legs sunk head first. Yeah, but the fake legs with shoes on the bottom, it's a bit elaborate.

You're joking me. I've got them in my bag right now. Have you? Yeah. Oh, fuck. I never walk around. Let's go and do it now.

I'll get me water and can. We'll go to the cement. You just add more water until it gets less solid. That's how it works, isn't it? That's how it works. That's how it works. I think as well,

putting a name in wet cement, like carving shit in a tree. I think the only way... Is this common vandalism? The only way this won't be muggly is if it's like an 11 year old because they don't

know any better yeah because it's childish isn't it yeah if it's a 20 year old then you're an idiot and that's the level of anarchy

you should be engaging in when you're 11 exactly like an adult like if that's an over 18 who did that or over 16 even then they're in the corner

but if this is a 10 or 11 year old fair play to them I mean if you're a 10 or 11 year old doing that and you're listening

to this podcast fair play you're living it you're having a good life you're a 10-11 year old doing that and you're listening to this podcast fair play you're living it you're having a good life you're having a fucking great time having a good life you know

just like vandalising shit listening to great vibrations coming up with quite a good joke then if you're 11 and you've come up

with a joke Tom's are in this cement that's pretty good yeah you're on route that's the foundations hey

you're really building something yeah you you get in the mix oh man that is a solid opener hope you don't get shingles uh yeah in the corner if you're an adult and you're doing that you're in the corner definitely what do you got here's my last one you ready this is only this one i literally come up on the uber on the one I literally come up with on the Uber on the way over here because I was getting so annoyed at the Uber driver

muggles still ask you what way to go even though they're using Google Maps what is wrong with Uber drivers what is wrong with Uber drivers wait so I'll be like fucking

I'll put the address in on my fucking map which you have to do which you have to do so he's already got the destination and then you'll go

which way do you want to go and I'm like I don't know I don And then you'll go, which way do you want to go? Yeah. And I'm like, I don't know. I don't get on stage and say, what jokes do you want? Yeah. Oh, which jokes do you want, guys? And they're just sat there awkwardly like, I fucking don't know. I'm paying you to do it.

Yeah. This is what I had today. I got in and he goes, heading to the city? I was like, no. I'm heading to the address I gave you. I didn't even remember. Just the airport? Just anywhere?

Just the airport, apparently. Then he goes, which way do you want to go? Just anywhere? Just the airport apparently. Then he goes, which way do you want to go? So I had my Google Maps open. So I went, let's go to Tarns Avenue, one of the main roads. So you go to Tarns Avenue.

It's east towards your house, west towards the airport. He goes, right or left on Tarns Avenue. And I just went, do you know where you're going? It takes a lot for me to get to a level of annoyance

that quickly. And I was like, do you know where you're going? And he goes, yeah, I just want to know of annoyance that quickly and i was like do you know where you're going and he goes yeah i just want to know which way you want to go and i was like go the google maps way this is where uber loses in it i was like drivers have got the lay of the land i was like we're all we're all no but you're following google google maps which goes the quickest way yeah it's very wrong i think but it also updates traffic live as well yeah so it's going to give you the right way but it's just the fact you're going you should just follow the map and not he asked me i started counting it because i

was getting so annoyed he asked me 17 times which way to go like left here straight up here right here where i was like what are you talking about and then you can see i'm on this i'm on the uber app watching it same as him motherfucker did you see uh josh pew uh done a line i didn't say it firsthand but i heard about it you know when someone drops a glass and they go taxi oh yeah uber yeah yeah update your references it was somebody yeah it was one of the i think it was one of the audience members at the pub crawl or something like that it was a hammered person they were like uber also it was someone in the audience yeah the legend got back to me like yeah like josh did it yeah wouldn't actually it wouldn't surprise me if pew had done it first and then uh but yeah so

that's that's my muggle corner for that one it annoys me so much yeah like so that's that's what the technology is there for so luckily you have to be an uber driver to get in the corner a lot a lot of you are getting a little bit of a break here yeah but you know what like asking anyone for directions when you've got a phone in your pocket yeah it's like it's like going what time is it yeah when you've got a watch on just whatsapp me it's like asking anyone for directions when you've got a phone in your pocket yeah it's like it's like going what time is it yeah when you've got a watch on you just whatsapp me it's like asking someone how do you talk oh i'm doing it yeah like years ago i said to somebody i was like oh does anyone know the scores in the football it's like you're on facebook come online what are you talking about people do that on facebook as well where they're like i like when they like it when they

go hey facebook google and then they'll ask a question right but when the question is like an opinion piece like Gav went on hey Facebook does anyone know where I can get 80 chairs that's how you should use

Facebook Google yeah not a hey Facebook Google what's a good place to go and hold it what time's kick off yeah

you're like what the fuck you mean a dick yeah yeah it's annoying tension hole tension

it's too loud do it a podcast record more voice yeah so that's it so Uber drivers in the corner right now in fact every Uber driver

get in just until you've had a weird way up with us you know if you're an Uber driver and you don't do that get in the corner because you need to

start a fucking fraternity with your brothers and sisters at Uber so that you can stop doing that immediately you all get punished for the crime that you can stop doing that immediately. You all get punished for the crime

that you all didn't commit. Oh, what have I done here? You know what I've just done? What did you do? I brought the Muggles comment on your socks. I've been saying that. Let's go to it further.

I mentioned this as a segue just talking about Wayne Deacon before. But is there anyone commenting on your socks because it happens when they're like, oh, your socks aren't matching when they're like oh your socks

aren't matching yeah or like the wrong type of socks their business sucks right yeah like

I don't know if I could give any less of a fuck about my socks no in any capacity they're just something to stop my feet

getting wet when I've got my shoes on yeah or to stop blisters or something like that it's to stop blisters it's just an extra layout to stop my feet rubbing

to stop my feet sweating they're going inside my shoe you're not seeing them a lot they're

in fashion I don't put a lot of dollar into it I don't put any time into

it I don't pair them I just put them on my feet they're just

a necessary not evil they're not evil some of them are evil I love the joke though

you've got holes in your socks no I haven't how where you've got holes in your socks no I haven't how do you get your feet in there a bit of butter dad

oh my god dad but yeah anyone anyone just making a like remark at your socks you're just like dude that my socks

they're not going to come out of me fucking toilet paper people make comments about my when I go to the gym I wear football socks. People are like, why are you wearing football socks?

I'm like, why not? It doesn't matter. Those are literally socks that I'm going to sweat in. I will wear fucking stockings and suspenders and walk all over you. Well, that has got to do quickly. Yeah, just look. People are coming up with me with socks on this leg. Do you want to just fucking drop your jeans so you can come up with me boxers as well

you're making my underwear your business this is what's happening do you want to check do you want to check with me jocks fucking make some schneid remarks

at me fucking kicks fucking weirdo muggle cunt in the corner yeah take these away pull me socks off throw them at them smell them in the corner

smell them why are they smelling them I don't know I'm just I'm just putting a little extra layer of punishment on them

alright let's go through let's see what got in what didn't I think everything got through this week I think everything

got in yeah there was no even stipulations this week just everything's in if you've got pets and you put clothes on them

get in the corner take your dog with you yeah if you get annoyed because you get a haircut and unfortunately I'm too busy to notice you got a haircut

oh you just don't care maybe you did notice but you just were like oh just the same way you noticed the sun went behind a cloud you're like oh look at that

get in the corner get in the corner son I don't care if you're behind a cloud and then finally fucking Uber drivers all of them in the corner

every one of them right and from my end muggles discredit you for listening to audiobooks when you've essentially took in the corner every one of them right and from my end muggles discredit you for listening to audiobooks when you've essentially took in the book anyway yeah

difference doesn't make yeah doesn't make a difference at all yes muggles write their name and what's it meant only adult muggles that's the stipulation there

there is stipulation but if there's children listening to this podcast you're fucking awesome well done right muggles comment on your socks like it's their business.

Fucking talk about your underwear. Just fucking publicly just as if we've got the higher ground. Just chatting shit about your underwear. Fucking give a fuck. Socks. Sit down. Sit down in the corner.

Put a sock in it. Put a sock in it. That one went out to Cody as well. He was the last person to mention me socks. So now we're going gonna fucking stick some shit off of subsequent parents what's subsequent

the right word there I don't know what you said there I said it with like an air of doubt the opposite of confidence you had no confidence that you were will at least there

go on do you want to go first ladies first yeah I know something about your dad your dad uses toilet duct to get the stank off his johnson this one is quite apt your dad tips uber drivers you've done it before you've just done a repeat did i do that one yeah but it wasn't used you said it wasn't used yeah uh shit because i remember like going like so if i didn't see that podcast i've done that i felt weird maybe that's why i was if i give him a couple of quid buy yourself something nice sucks your dad retweets christian talbot oh god motherfucker motherfucker your dad pays the rental in Talbot. Oh God. Motherfucker. Motherfucker. Your dad pays the rental

on Monopoly properties he might land on in advance. Just gets out of the way up front. Down payment. Down payment. He's like,

I might stay there for a week. Your dad showed a Megabus driver a picture of the driver's kids and said, drop me off at my house

or I'll make a phone call. That's a lot of work for a pound journey. Just want to drop me off at my house or I'll make a phone call that's a lot of work for a pound journey just want to drop it off at his door just want to drop it off at his door it's more about the neighbours what they think

when they see the megabus coming down the street and then your dad getting out they're like oh fucking someone's Kev's home someone's doing well

your dad likes to make a bit of extra cash by going around the estate and doing car washes you probably used to do that I was as a kid I wasn't allowed to go with him

because my mum said what if you get like a stone underneath the sponge or the chamois lever and you scratch the car what if Gav does that he'd say

you're more likely to wouldn't let him do it no faith at all after years of domestic bliss your dad said I'm turning over a new leaf and then punched your mom.

Your dad watches the whole ads on YouTube videos. He never skips it. He just goes, they've done a lot of work. Phil would be disrespectful. He doesn't even hover the cursor over it. I'll give it a chance.

He pushes his hands away. Clears the screen. He goes, exit full screen. Well, since your dad's turned over his new leaf, leaf, leaf, leaf, lower Liffey Street. That's in Dublin, isn't it? It is Dublin. Your dad punches your mom in the tits so she can't show her dad the bruises.

Your dad can't decide what his favorite One Direction song is. No, he can't. I can't decide which one his favorite is your dad your dad used anti-wrinkle cream on his ball bag

and now it's the size of a pillowcase oh my god your dad doesn't wear a wig but tells people he does so he can get

away with bad hair days no one notices he's wearing a wig he does so he can get away with bad hair days. No one notices he's wearing a wig. He gets annoyed. He gets annoyed. Your dad makes a cup of tea like this.

Milk first, then tea bag, then the water, and then boils it. Your dad brings his own tea bags on holiday. Can't trust those Spanish ones.

I just went on holiday with someone that did that. Shout out to Katie Dyer, Natalie's friend. Come to fucking Tenerife and pulled out a fucking sandwich bag full of tea bags. Your dad, your own dad Your own dad Your dad bought blackface

And a penis pump So that he could go to a fancy dress party Serena Williams Oh my god Oh my god Oh my god Your dad only had one pancake last Tuesday As he didn't want to be too full.

He gets bloated. Just taking it easy. It makes me bloat some. Your dad got your mom pregnant by kissing his own load into her pussy. Oh my God. Your dad gets a Subway sandwich with just ham and cheese and no sauce.

Yeah. Bit dry. Bit dry. Your dad ran a hosepipe from his car exhaust through the driver's side window because he was so depressed about being broke

but then he ran out of petrol. These are horrific ones this week. Your dad treats himself every Christmas by sponsoring an animal in a third world country. He posts it on Facebook though He needs the like Got myself a little goat

He's not doing that It's not full altruism He's doing that to tell people There's no altruism in humans Classic Kev And that is exactly 59 minutes and 54 seconds Almost exactly an hour

However, we're going to do some quick plugs I've got one show left in Adelaide. That is my plug. Come along. It's 8.45 on Wednesday at Pedro O'Brien's. And then check out my website for my Melbourne dates. Melbourne. And you've got?

Glasgow Comedy Festival next Wednesday, the 15th, in the Stand Comedy Club. Yes. 9.30, and I'm on with Gareth Waugh. Oh, yes. Gareth Waugh oh yes Gareth Waugh and someone else who I'm not allowed

to name because he hasn't he has his own solo show and his agent might get annoyed if he doesn't you know who it is

he's really good he's one of the best he's one of the best go see him I just did Hong Kong and China with him you'll be able to work it out yeah

his name is Schmark Schmelson and it's also Mark Nelson. But go to his solo show also. Let's plug that too. If that's why we're agents annoyed, let's just say go to his solo show.

Go to his solo show as well. Go to Gareth's solo show. Go to Andrew Stanley's solo show. Go to my solo show. Bish bash bosh. Job done. Four and a half stars. Four and a half stars.

Same review. That gives me five. Out of 45 stars. One out of ten and also one last plug go to www.kaihunfries.com forward slash shop

and buy my life's work for five pounds also go to www.andrewstanley.com forward slash photos and that's an English photographer who's very good

yeah yeah actually yeah I don't have the website you got the website I need to get it you'll be to the punch

and we've got to go you've got to do something else bye podcast listeners I've been Muggins he's been Kissy Tulips we are outie