Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.8 Wedding Crashers

Episode Date: October 25, 2018

Better late and good than on time and shit is very optimistic for something so dumb and subjective as the nonsensical ramblings of Muggins and Cream however fresh from actual sleep with the talking point of a recent wedding here is your Thursday (afternoon) podcast as promised

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. And that's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental rip job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

Hello, the podcast was late. And the reason the podcast was late is because we were at a wedding, which we'll discuss in a second. But I made the call last night that I'd much rather give you a good podcast late than a shite one on time. And if you have a problem with that,

remember this is a free podcast and you can quietly go fuck yourself. And I mean quietly. You've got a neighbour to show some respect we've slept i slept it's fucking wiped me out we've we've pretty much partied non-stop since july hi because we had the stag do's multiple stag do's and then the fringe and then the wedding and then the tour and the tour and then now there which included a couple of when we get a lot of weddings man it's because we're the well one of them i ran we're we are some of the best guests at wedding we're

really good wedding guests we are we get obnoxiously drunk we make all about us like i definitely want us to be at a wedding all right um because natalie always like gets a little bit concerned when i hit a tipping point i'm going over the edge. I remember it was at Bruce's wedding last week. A guy goes to her and is like, Natalie, what we need is a safe word

so that if you think I'm going over the top and I'm going a bit too far, you've got a safe word that you say and when I hear it, I know that I'm absolutely crushing it and I'm having a belt out.

That's what you want. All right. I'm behaved at a wedding. All right, nobody, yeah. Because I've been to, the last few weddings I've been to the last few weddings I've been to obviously was yours

and then Brett and Marty's and I don't have any other ones lined up but I'm worried that I'm going to end up going to

like a non-comedian one and that's not necessarily a bad wedding but I also mean just in the sense that the guests there are going to be non-comedians

so I'm going to have nobody to roast the wedding with like every wedding I've been every single wedding I've been to all I've done is sat beside another comedian and just roasted the entire event under our breath

despite its perfection it would be the greatest wedding of all time I happen to do the greatest weddings of all time but you bet your ass every single second I spent talking about this side of my mouth just being like who books this just shit little jokes

and you you don't want to be at a wedding where the the most it's going to get pushed outside of you is somebody wearing a tie around their head

like that's usually the limit oh fucking Darren's gone too far look at him go we were already obnoxiously drunk by the time of

the Diller in the Speeches and Brett Vincent, who is a lifelong podcast listener of ours and his dumb bitch wife, Maggie. And he shouted muggins and cream out on his groove speech. But yeah, no, no, we're not. We're not going to shout at you. But because he was thanking everyone for coming to the wedding and just going through a long list of people who absolutely deserved that.

I mean, on an event of that magnitude, there's a lot of people to thank. A lot of people to thank. And he just kept going. He didn't want to miss anybody, like I did. He just kept going, I think I'm missing someone. So it started off as a private joke. Every time he was like, I'd like to thank,

and then I'd put my hand on your knee, and then it wouldn't be our name, and we'd go, no, I mean, we'll be next. And then the next one wasn't us and we just got more drunk and more caught up in the bit. But then by three minutes into it, he's going,

I know I'm forgetting something. We're at a point that we're stuck. We're stuck halfway. Three tables back. And he just looks over at us and just goes, not you, cunts. Which to me...

It was all the family, extended family. We are so annoyed. And then it was all the family extended family we are so annoyed and then it was like the fourth time around where we're like

12 points it's like fucking not Muggins and Cream we're like yes he said the names

so I think we should start off this podcast by apologising to both Brett and Matthew

for being legendary sorry for making your special day, read it here in quotes no but I think it's a bit that was a boozy wedding wasn't it my job at 1pm

was to hand out mini bottles of Jager for the two minute walk people had to the next venue and I was doing one for you, one for me when I was handing them out fuck you what you weren't doing mine

I was handing the mode no I mean one for oh right no I meant like so you left paranoid paranoid mode you left halfway through your shift what are you talking about

I just I handed the mode you left two minutes into the show I ran out because for everyone I gave out I took there was still another pile

I ended up with pockets full and started dishing them out at the dinner as well. Because it was like, I know all weddings are boozy weddings, right? But this one was like that. Some of them are. Last time I went to Bruce's wedding, it was a boozy wedding, but there was so much food. Like so much that you were just a bit full to get your full potential of drunk, which was great. It was like a foodie wedding foodie win delicious courses and stuff but em this was it was them shots I know everyone has the favours on the table

like half were Jager and half were tequila and nobody seemed to want that tequila one so they just kept appearing in my face all the time anybody that had a tequila one like presented it was a bit late I like you want this and fuck me I had so many tequilas on top of the Jaegers. Aye. I got absolutely mullet on all the Jaegers,

all the other Jaegers. And people kept buying me drinks and then there was wine at the table along with fucking Prosecco. But you do get weddings that are not fucking boozy. Like,

I've been to weddings where they're like, we're not getting drunk and I'm like, oh, you might not be getting drunk but you have no right to ever tell. The reason you're not getting drunk and I'm like oh you might not be getting drunk but you have no right to ever tell

the reason you're not getting drunk is because you're a shit drunk right and you're bad and you've been told off for being drunk before all I ever get told off the only time I get told off

for being drunk is when people go you're drunk and then I go how do you know and they go you're being nice to me and I go

oh that's not that's when you go over the top yeah that's when I'm like oh man I'm like alright hold on that is malaria that would be lovely alright now that you mentioned over the top yeah that's when I'm like oh man I'm like alright hold on that is Muller he started being lovely

alright now that you've made it out I'll walk up back give you some bread I'm going to call your mum a cunt oh man because I was in Galway

as well it's an island it was just they compulsory to get straight on the Guinness so before we even got to the ceremony

I'd buried so many panes of Guinness and as well most weddings have an end point when the bar's shut or the nightclub's shut. This had a lock-in. Yeah, this went from... This had like a full complement of the party lock-in, not just like a handful of people that were left. No, no, no.

Like the whole party. We knew a guy in Ireland, Kev, he runs a bar. What, now you're going to snitch on him absolutely went to his lovely bar he looked after us all evening

he also gave them the Spiegel tent he's a very very generous man and we ended up I went to bed at about I think

five or six in the morning and then you went to bed at what two no that was about half three it was half three when I went back but it was yeah I'm assuming we were lucky it was there I what two no that was about half three it was half three when i went

back but it was uh yeah i'm saying we're gonna lock it up stay all night i was bent by three but um it was uh that natalie was done by because it was like when when it was eight o'clock in the day everyone was fucking 4 a.m drunk oh man when somebody when somebody told me it was half past day i had a real panic to myself I was like I am because I'm 3am drunk right now it can't be

so by midnight she was like wanting to call it like she'd been on it because she was at the bridesmaid party so they were getting ready

I think it was like 9 o'clock in the morning she left I think I went out for about 11 she was out in Maine so she was drinking

I mean they ran out of Prosecco by 11 o'clock when we went out because they'd run out of Proseco and we had to make a prosecco delivery yeah to the to the bride party so they were right and by midnight she was wanting to go home because obviously she i say obviously she doesn't do the marching powder right so that definitely keeps you in the game when you're shot after shot after shot the great equalizer yes yes but I managed to like press snooze on her for three and a half hours she knocked her out

fucking hell three and a half hours she was down for I was starting to worry trying to pull twice this is the second time in five podcasts

that you've talked about punching your wife lovely just a little PSA don't punch your loved ones okay she's from Glasgow hi she can take a punch she can't handle a punch she was not going to die with you she was good aye took a while to recover from big travel day the next day my parents drove us down to Dublin Airport where we slept the whole car journey.

And then we had to get a flight from there to... Because for some reason, there is not a direct flight from Shannon to Estonia, which is weird. In my opinion, one of the most common trade routes. Yep. Makes no sense. How do all the businessmen?

Because at this point... Celtic-Baltic deals. Yeah, Celtic-Baltic. First of all, one of the strongest unions, I think, in historic years. At this point, because a couple of years ago there was talks about them just doing a motorway between the two. They used to call that the Silk Road. Before the dark web arrived, didn't they?

They offered drugs. So it's also like a bit of a two day session as well wasn't it because everyone arrived the day before oh man which we cracked

this shitless joke right this shitless joke with the most effort right that had absolute shit response diminishing returns

and then matured at around about midnight it was all worthwhile yeah so basically we thought there was just a casual sort of

dinner the night before just meeting everyone you know meeting the friends the family the ones you might not know just a

lovely sort of casual meal like a meal you don't make an order not another course just different courses come

yeah you just pick and choose what you want everyone gets to know each other and it's strictly strictly very very casual

a lovely venue like a wheelhouse like the stream wouldn't stream underneath it and you can see what the window is just real old school beautiful

remember it's just let's go casual tomorrow's the day we all dress up me and Kai thought it'd be funny because we were drunk by 4pm

that if we both fully suited up in our full fucking suits dressed for the wedding dressed for the wedding and then just pretend all night thinking we thought it was

pretending we thought it was the wedding so we go and people go why are you not in your suit and we go like why are you in your suit and we go the... pretending we thought it was the wedding. So we go and people go, why are you not in your suit? And we go like, why are you in your suit? And we go, why are you not in your suit? The wedding's today. And they go, the wedding's tomorrow.

And we go, what? That's the whole joke. That is the whole joke. The joke is us going, what? The whole joke. We realise it's not the wedding. Aye. Nobody enjoyed the joke, no matter how many times we did it.

Yep. People were starting to get bored of us doing it, the new people that arrived. Because they saw it. Because they'd heard it three or four times already. Yeah, they heard it, didn't laugh't laugh it i'd run about four hours later where someone overheard it charlotte and she come up and just went are you still doing that joke like if it was like bothering her i can't i can't take it i can't take this off i have to undress

from the joke you gotta understand like if i take my clothes off people are gonna be like why are you naked i'll be like it's my birthday suit right it's a separate joke and it could work but there's kids nearby and it shows so much defeatism if you go if someone's like

why are you in your suit and you're like oh I put it on it's this joke you've got to go I put it on because it's the wedding but then

it matured so very very beautifully when our good friend Ricketts named after the affliction he was born with he arrived later on we watched him

on Friend Finder yeah we stopped him on Friend Finder and then decided to go outside to pretend to have was Bournemouth he arrived later on we watched him on Friend Finder yeah we stopped him on Friend Finder and then decided to go outside to pretend to have like a cigarette while he arrived he turned up in casual

in a fleece in a fleece like you're wearing a fleece we're like mate what are you doing he's like what we're like it's a black tie event

it's a black tie event he's like it's a members club he's like it's absolutely not I'm like mate why would we be in our suits if this wasn't a black tie

you think we're two idiots that just put on our suits as a joke I mean it's pointless me even coming back out

if I go and get changed it's already midnight and if I go back I might as well just stay in then Brett comes upstairs

now Brett is actually wearing a shirt but clearly he's wearing a shirt in a way that it could easily be concluded

that his suit jacket's downstairs and he's taking a shower. He's the host. Yeah, he was the host, right? So he comes upstairs and Brett immediately joins another bit and goes, Craig, what have you done?

Did you not get the... He's like, you'll be allowed in but you'll stand out like a sore thumb. Aye. So Craig is really, really embarrassed and then goes,

use your suit jacket to Kai because Kai's finer than I am in that outfit of him. And then takes my tie and then just my tie and then he wasn't wearing a shirt either he was just like

I'll just look smart casual but like he meant it it wasn't like I'll put this tie on on my t-shirt

as a joke he was like I'll put this jeans suit jacket and tie blend in combo my favourite bit was when he put

the tie on he put the tie on around his head he was like maybe I'll just wear it like this and I very sincerely went absolutely he was like no on and I very sincerely went absolutely

done he was like no no no I wouldn't want to ruin it and then he went down

and it was a big thing but even then that joke not worth the two hours we spent

getting ready yes and then there was a funny one because I was in Mullad by the time

that happened with Ricketts right and then I went to put the tie back on

so I put my suit jacket back on put the tie back on put my collar up and asked Natalie to fix me up and she started fixing me up and I went to put the tie back on so I put my suit jacket back on put the tie back on put my collar up and asked Natalie to fix me up and she started fixing me up

and I went and took in the back of the tie and realised I was already wearing a tie and then realised you had lent me the tie not me so when I got my stuff back I was putting on a tie

that wasn't mine on top of a tie and I asked Natalie to help me put the tie on and she'd just done it even though I already had a tie on and then when I noticed it I went I wear two ties she went yeah and I was like well I thought this was my tie she was like oh I thought you were doing one of your pointless bits

and you're like name once I've done one of them okay apart from this one and then um and then I was at the bar later on and Natalie and Ciara got me. Because I was... I just ordered me Natalie and Ciara a drink, didn't you? And then Brett come along and I was like, oh, I've just missed the order, what did you want? And he said an old-fashioned. And then immediately after that, I took a phone call.

And then when the barmaid came back, I didn't... I couldn't remember what he ordered. He said old-fashioned, but old-fashioned what? Mate, it's not just a drink, it's called old--fashioned and then one of them just had a glint in their eye and they both had like what a telepathic connection they just went but you've got to specify the gender of it they what it was like well it's a different drink for a girl and it's for a bloke so you've got to get him like a gender specific an old-fashioned man yeah I just went to what I asked for she just wanted to see a man or woman depends what you want to get

old-fashioned man holds open doors and an old fashioned woman has a hairy fanny. Yep, that's true. I know he hasn't got a hairy fanny, he shaves his fanny. So I just turned to the barbeque

and I went, can I have an old fashioned man, please? Wishful thinking. He's like, Steve, Steve, you've pulled.

I know you've only just got over Deborah's death and that happened five years ago, but finally, there's a young man here who's clearly got the eyes for you. He comes out in a tweed suit, twirling his moustache. Did somebody order an old-fashioned gentleman? Guilty! Yeah, I ordered an old-fashioned man. And then the old-fashioned woman comes out and calls you both faggots.

Because she's old fashioned and old fashioned people don't want my fubs yes and it was it was a very nice wedding I I can't remember much of it to be honest with you

I remember our game if you follow us on Instagram we had flower crowns on yet again always it was a full wedding got a little beautiful and we played a game

called baptise the baby which is where you steal a toddler's you steal a child under the age of two, you steal their toy baby and then you just ram that baby's head into anything wet anything wet that's not yours

that other people are drinking or eating and you just shout baby baptism and it's to be intrusive really good, people don't laugh at it that much except for you two well they're not laughing because you've just put a plastic toy soaked in child saliva

in the food oh oh and all of the previous drinks that you shoved that toy head into yes just like making a little but you know what it is have good friends

that aren't uptight yeah that's probably the best way alright can you imagine just being that way and doing that and somebody looking at you

being like you've ruined my day I'm like I'll fucking ruin it further you can't you know that ruin your day this is what I'll fucking ruin it further you can't you know that ruin your day this is what I realised

about most people's weddings is the photographer sent back our photos for the Biffa wedding and there was so many outtake photos in there it was just looking daft there was one

the one I put on Instagram Natalie looking at me like really in love and longingly and me just looking like I was mid sneeze and he left that in he was like

I love the photographer I love that I could leave those photos in because he's like relaxed and laid back you wouldn't believe how many people

whose weddings like to believe that nobody blinked nobody went slack jaw everyone every hair was in place the whole time and you have to like

narrow it down like a bunch of good photos that make it a live event and make it make it real fun and make it real and you have to like narrow it down like a bunch of good photos that make it a live event and make it make it real fun and make it real and they just want to narrow it down

to the most boring sensible fuck all happens but everyone looks can you cut out the ones of everyone laughing please I don't want people telling me we had fun there

but I want it to be real stoic trivialise trivialise is the special moment the photographer at Brett and Marley's wedding he was had never met a child in his life. He was a drill sergeant.

He'd never met any child under the age of 10, right? They were doing all the photos. Now, I'm not a photographer, and I'm not claiming to know how to do a photographer's job, right? I know it's very, very, very, very hard to be a photographer. But I have, in my life, in my time on this planet, met children before. And I understand, it would at least be my

theory, that if you're organising a wedding photo, what you do is you get all the grown-ups in there first because grown-ups understand the concept of stay still for more than two seconds right and toddlers do not what i would not do personally is get all of the children and be like here's how you line up now you stay there for five minutes and don't get distracted by this highly engaging event of all these people and all this social stimulation oh man he's just like so somebody get the baby to stay still and everyone's going it's a fucking baby yeah what are you talking about yeah hold on and then there was a bit where he bust he bust me to do something he was like hey get down there we're going to take the photo down there but i was the first person he'd done yet right like um he was trying to get the group

photo but he instantly went in with this is the tenth time I've told you but for the first time he told you I mean it was effective But it was quite comical but I did realize he had a bit of a sense of humor because I saw a video and That someone posted online because I totally forget about it until I saw the video But I was trolling him He was carrying these around these little step ladders and going up the step ladders and taking photos from up high.

And every time he did, I was going up behind him with my vape and blowing smoke between his legs. So he just had a big cock rocker and a smoke coming out from the front when he took his photos. And somebody got a video of it and he was laughing and smoking.

I'm not saying he was a bad person. I'm just saying he'd never met children before. Or he had loads and he was just saying, fuck, I'm not saying he was a bad person. I'm just saying he'd never met children before. Or he had loads and he was just saying, fuck, I'm just going to shout at them. Oh, fuck, I went all this way in their days. I get a shout at children as part of my job. I remember very vividly. I thought he had a great time.

At one point, they were handing out sparklers, right? And I was stood, I think her name was Amelia. She was a five-year-old and I had to, she had her sparkler and I'm like, I cannot let a five-year-old just I had to, she had her sparkler and I'm like, I cannot let a five-year-old just stand there with a fucking sparkler and not, not make sure that she doesn't swing this in a fucking direction or burn herself

or try and fucking eat the thing. And then also realizing this is 10 p.m. at night and I have the current brain functions of a five-year-old or less. At one point, I'm sitting there, I've taught her to like, I'm like, hold your hand in a straight, you can wave it around a bit,

but always keep your arms sort of locked keep it far away from your face and when it's done make sure that you just I'll make sure that I put it in a bin safely and then cut to about 15 seconds later where I was talking to someone very drunk and I just feel this little tiny arm come up grab my arm and it's Amelia because apparently in that 15 seconds I'd forgotten everything I taught her it was as if all the knowledge had left my head. I would have put fully important onto her, because I'd nearly smacked one of my friends in the face,

and she was like, excuse me. And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, no. I was actually good. Good, yes, you've learned well. That was all a test. You have passed it. Yeah, Amelia. It was like you said to him, right,

I'm going to be messing up with this sparkler, so I'm going to give you instructions on how to teach me how to behave. And, so, we did that wedding straight after Amsterdam which,

where, which some of you were there listening to the live podcast. That was one of the most weirdest experiences we lived by. Aye. We shouldn't have done that high.

I don't, well. I mean, we should have because we're in Amsterdam. Yeah, yeah. And we've got an early flight so if you get to Amsterdam

you've got to go and have a split flight there's never ever a chance in my life that I'm ever if I'm ever in Amsterdam for ever what short period of time

even if you've got obligations yeah I'm having a fucking joy that's usually my my rule with weed is like you do it when you don't have things to do

like I always feel like if you've got shit to do you've got obligations and if you get high it trivialises the things you have to do you don't have things to do. Like, I always feel like if you've got shit to do, you've got obligations, and if you get high, it trivialises the things you have to do. You'll neglect them. You'll not do them as good, or you won't do them at all.

And that's how people end up being wasters, right? It's always like, if I have a day awake and bake, it's usually because I've got nothing to do for the day. Aye. But we had stuff to do. Well... We had a podcast to do.

Yeah, but again... Which we don't mind doing high. But when you're in a room full of people who have never seen the podcast... I just felt it was a little bit better to do. We had a podcast to do, which we don't mind doing high, but when you're in a room full of people who have never seen the podcast. I just felt it was a little bit better to do it that way because that was a, look, here's what was going to happen. We were probably never going to join.

My theory was, I didn't think the audience was ever going to join that podcast. I didn't think that we were ever going to join that podcast because they were not fans of the podcast or us. So I figured, there's only one way I can guarantee half the party has fun,

and that is by us getting high yes and also I think we did the right thing by talking to the laptop talking to the recording equipment

because that way it was like the audience were viewing us doing the podcast the way we always do it because I get put off by podcasts

if it's a live one and the performance to the audience yeah because you're like I'm not there and you're not there and I always like kind of skip past those ones

I think we've done it right but also I got an email I should have my phone at hand to read it out but it was an email of somebody who realised they had aphantasia

after a conversation just to like you've fucking ruined everything great it was something along the lines of they'd ended like two relationships

that were solid because of the partner's visions for their future yeah he was like I don't see my future don't say anything

I don't see us having a future not that there's anything wrong with what's going to happen with the future I just don't see it

so he was like can I ask how you saw future with you and Natalie I just trust her she seems confident it's because when

she's made calls and things that are going to happen events parties that we're going to plans that we make she seems pretty

confident they're going to go well I just give her full trust over the rest of my life alright fair I had to teach people to do

Scottish country dancing and then nobody followed the rules of Scottish country dancing you have to go in a big circle otherwise it turns into a game of dodgems which one was this then? Brett's wedding

did you try it there? yeah did the Gay Gordons forward 2, 3, 4, backwards 2, 3, 4 forward 2, 3, 4, backwards 2, 3, 4 spin, spin, spin, spin, spin, spin double spin, double spin, double spin, double spin kids had to go to a room full of drunk English people

I was doing it but nobody was fucking paying attention and nobody was going in a circle and it was just fucking it was like the old fucking Hot Wheels

Criss Cross Crash just people I would have totally done that but I was too busy following the photographer around with my vape for hours

alright blow smoke up his arse yeah and somebody else somebody else tweeted saying with that foundation how do you do you picture your dad jokes and I do Yeah and somebody else Somebody else tweeted Saying With that foundation How do you Do you picture your dad jokes

And I do I do but not with pictures What do you mean you picture them Well like Do you picture You know Can you picture your dad jokes Well it's like

With my comedy as well Like I'm telling stories I didn't realise I'm creating A theatre for the mind Right For people like I'll actually bring up that And you know what

That now Gives us a lot of um i do realize if i do say something gross or like like like overly sexual like anything that's overshared tmi i didn't realize i would be bringing up actual imagery of those things that's whenever i tell you to like picture your parents fucking like you actually can't physically picture it that you can't picture your dad but it's still like weird you can't even think about it all right but you can't picture you like your but it's still like weird to even think about it you can't picture your dad's

five and a half inch store going up that dry cake tarso oh man just like you know

paintbrushes they haven't washed but now you're making everybody else picture them I'm like

they'll fancy your mum yeah that is just the thing and everybody else picture that. Aye. Unlike you though, they all fancy your mum. Yeah, that is just the thing. I think I stressed it enough when we were talking about it. It's like, I can't visualise and picture things and imagine things

but without a picture, a vision or an image. And it's also what I was saying about, I was discussing with you over breakfast the other day, it's like, say was saying about, I was discussing with you over breakfast the other day. It's like, say I know what curry smells like. I know what the smell of curry is. You're married to Natalie.

What? You're married to Natalie. That's why I picked that example. Because my clothes stink of it. Let's photo it again. My clothes stink of it. Let's fold it again. So, right.

I know what curry smells like, but if I close my nose and try to smell-magine curry, you can't smell it, but you know what it smells like. Why? So say that with... But like with vision, there's no image image there's no vision

when I imagine it and visualise it but if I were to describe something if I go if I describe to you there's a six foot man he's wearing a red hat

with a little propeller on it and the hat says twat on it he's got a blue and green moustache blue going from his right nostril

green going from his other one he's got a little purple beard it's like a little pinpoint and it just comes out of there

it's smaller than a wizard's beard but like kind of one of them did he touch you too? can you not you get a suppressed memory whenever you just

that's my music teacher when I describe that can you not you know what that man would look like but you cannot see a picture of that in your head yeah exactly

right yeah so you definitely do have it you are mentally disabled but it's the thing with a because you say like it's see a picture of that in your head. Yeah, exactly. Right. Yeah, so you definitely do not. You are mentally disabled. But it's the thing with... Because you say it's like a picture behind your eyes. Like when you go to taste someone, is there a taste behind your tongue?

Like when I... Do you imagine like... If I was to close my eyes at that picture of Pikachu, I could pretty much see Pikachu in my head. Yes. Could you draw him from that? Yes, 100%. Because this is...

100%. Not well, because I'm bad at art, but absolutely, like, I could go, oh, yeah, no, I remember. He's got, yeah, bread at the top of his ears. So when people are drawing, it's less impressive? Because we're talking a little much. I don't know what we've already said on the podcast.

I don't have a vintage, and I can't draw for shit. I mean, I'm a better drawer than you are. But surely if you can bring up an image, because I can draw, like, a fucking, anything that's there next to us. Like, not up an image because I can draw like a fucking anything that's there next to us like not tracing it but I can copy

draw because it's just about like perspective and distance and everything and you can copy something

so if you've got like a picture in your mind that means when you draw it you're just copying right I can

one of the things in the article about aphantasia was is this how you draw a dog and i was like head leg leg sausage body you just remember the single components of a dog and then they have them all together yeah i have but i can't bring up like a picture of its paws i know how its paws would like curl curl over like it would be like three or four like looping things like I know that's what they would be but then when I go

to draw them I get the perspective all wrong because I can't bring up an image even though I know that's what they would look like

yeah I'm a better drawer than you are but I'm still a dog shit drawer and I think that's I'm ready to apply myself

a bit more should we move on to Muggle Corner yeah is it time for that I think so we've done it's hard to tell

how much we've done because it cut off before if you noticed in the middle of Daniel's spark our story it just seemed to cut like we edited out

some horrendous which we've never edited anything out of a podcast ever apart from Nick Cody revealed the identity of someone in the SAS

oh yeah that's the only time we've ever deleted anything old Stephen SES boy edit that out I've got a muggle corner

from the Twitter and I'm going to use it this is from Zoe muggles need glasses don't wear them and then complain they can't see

which is are you looking at me because I can't tell I'm not wearing my glasses absolutely I'm going wearing my glasses absolutely I'm going to absolutely fight Zoe's career so basically what she's saying

Muggles and the technical group first of all I'll not even argue Muggles need glasses like like look well it's just they're complaining about

it being cold when you haven't got a coat on isn't it well wear a coat you dickhead no but if you had a if you had a natural

like genetic predisposition to always be a fucking coat first of all as someone who has whatever the step above 20-20 vision is, I have. I can read things

from miles away. My vision is absolutely perfect and I know it's going to go because both my parents are blind as fuck. But until then, I'm vastly superior to everyone else.

I mean, let's be honest, if this was back in the days of hunter-gatherers, you'd be dead. You can't see shit. How do you know when a fucking predator is going to be sneaking up on you?

You can't. I can't even imagine it. You'd be screwed. You are one of the... One of the great things about civilization is that it means the need for survival of the fittest disappears, which is good because that's not the way life should be judged.

Life should not be judged on who could fucking survive it and the harshest things. We all have a fucking right to life and survive. All I'm saying is, if we didn't, you're fucked and you're genetically inferior because you're blind. Nah. Yeah? Because you only want your eyesight so your flight mechanism can kick in. Aye.

Your flight mechanism will just kick out. You can't itch in a lion, mate. Nah, that's true. You can't itch in a lion. Do you ever have English? So you try. Nah, this a lion, mate. Nah, that's true. You can't chin a lion. Do you ever have English? What, so you try? Nah, this is me, natural predator. That'd be grand.

Oh, no, a badger. But what if it was another tribe with a fucking spear or bow and arrow or one of them fucking blow darts? Yeah, so what we're working on is my eyes are fucked. My main's eye's fucked. My brown eye bleeds. So what we're waiting for is my eyes are fucked. My main's eyes fucked.

My brown eye bleeds. The only eye that works is in your name. Because the other way your name would just be car. That's true. So I think, first of all, it's not muggly to need glasses. It's just genetically inferior. It's less muggly. I'm not going to deny that it's a muggle corner. If you're meant to wear glasses, don't.

And complain you can't see. All right. Which I have done for the last decade and a half. Yeah. I've just started recently wearing contact lenses, which, by the way, are hard to get out when you're stoned. When you're high and you're wearing... So you know when you get smoking weed,

it dehydrates you, you get a druth, right? Same happens with your eyes, which is, I guess, why you get a bit of a pink eye when you're high. Drys. Drys. Yeah, sure. Drys. Drys. you get a druth right same happens with your eyes which is a guess why you get like a bit of a pink eye when you're high dries dries yeah sure dries dries then

yeah my contact lenses just seem to stick to my eyes and I'm trying to like I'm not pincing them out not like Matty would like no one knows Matty's so good

with his contact lenses he pinces them out but like I'll try and like nip them. That nips hardly matter by the way. It is nip because I found the only way I can do it is if I use my fingernails. Oh gross.

And I'm putting myself like trying to peel out my contact lenses with my fingernails. Where am I? Just use tweezers. Oh God that would be way worse. You're using your fucking fingernails while I'm high you don't just use tweezers oh god that would be way worse you're using your fucking fingernails you psycho

they're tweezers imagine fucking getting your eyes with tweezers how fucking I don't see the doubt because you've got fucking long ass

fucking I just cut them today actually did you yeah you've got drag nail fingers normally so yeah

I've been struggling to get them out but I've just started wearing contact lenses recently I bought glasses and left them in a fucking hotel. Left them like months before I rang and said, oh, by the way, I've been meaning to check in

to see if my glasses are there. And they're not. And I just think, it's just another thing to lose, right? So disposable contact lenses are the best because I'll go into a theatre with it and I'll wear them every day after that. And it doesn't matter.

I don't have to worry about where they are. I still don't understand how contact lenses work, right? No. Because glasses make sense to me, right? Because the lenses can either be convex or concave. Convex is when they sort of stick out, which all, I guess, all fucking contact lenses are because they shape your eyeballs.

So they're all convex. But concave means it goes in the way. Now, as glasses, that makes sense because you're taking a fucking rectangle and you're like cutting a little curve into this side of things yeah so when the light refracts yeah refracts in that way that makes sense glasses i'm fine with in what fucking world are you able to make a contact lens concave it's concave on one side but if you put it that way it's the wrong way now you've got a sticky

fucking eyeball and Natalie hated me wearing my glasses when I had them like she'd rather I didn't see than look like I did because even if they've got

like nice frames right it's not the frames that make me look shit it's the fact that it really magnifies my eye my head

and it's like one eye bigger than the other so I'm just walking around like like a fucking emoji. Ah, yeah. Like a derp face emoji. I just didn't tell you

what you need. Yeah, and I've got like one massive eye and she just figured I'd look proper special with them on, but I'm just wondering how that doesn't work

with contact lenses. How does a contact lens not magnify my pupil to make it look like I've got one massive pupil bigger than the other? Magic. It's all good.

Because the ecstasy is already doing it I think it's always point was and this is you know if I could break down what the thing is it's obviously

people who need glasses forget and then complain about what happened it's making something that was entirely your problem other people's problems which I am absolutely

guilty of you are more guilty of it being the person that just goes well audibly announced to a room I've lost my as if that's

anyone else's problem other than your own many hands make light work no if you just looked in any fucking but I've lost my glasses your problem fucking phone them

I think that's a legit thing you know you should be able to have like little devices on all this shit that you can ring use friend finder I think you can actually I think I'm inventing something, you know, you should be able to have like little devices on all this shit that you can ring I use friend finder. I think you can actually I think I'm inventing something that already exists because you can get the key rings that you Find on an app on your phone. You can chip your dog. All right But you can't you can't just put on fucking everything

Just remember where you put things down or do a more thorough search than just scanning very briefly I hate the thing I hate the most is if I've lost my phone and somebody suggests we're ringing it and I'm like, when in the last decade has anyone had a fucking ringer

on their phone? Oh, Matt, remember that fucking restaurant the other day? Was it you, me and my parents? Some fucking, oh yeah, was it breakfast? I don't think you're down to this point.

Somebody's phone was on loud which already is the sign of a sociopath. I understand, I occasionally have my phone on loud because sometimes is the sign of a sociopath right I understand I occasionally have my phone on loud because sometimes it doesn't fucking vibrate

or if I'm watching something you've got an early lobby call yeah which sucks by the way right you've got an early lobby call you put your phone on loud so that if like you ring us from the lobby

saying fucking Kyle the taxi's here you've missed your alarm right but then fucking Ryan Cullen just spends all night through the night what's up in you

right just sitting there beep boop beep boop but this fucking cunt, right, this old bitch, she had a phone on fucking loud, right,

and it must have been because she was deaf, right, it's the only thing I can do to, because it doesn't matter what, if I was doing fucking surgery on someone, right, open heart surgery, if my phone rang,

my instinct is to immediately grab that phone and stop everyone suffering the annoying noise that is a ringtone. This first thing, you would die on the side of your head, oh fuck it, I don't want to ruin anyone else's day. This bitch let it ring out. She saw it and went, oh no, I don't want to talk. Look, I've got plenty of friends who I'll be like, I'm not, I don't want to talk to you today. Not even in a bad way, right way I've got some friends like you

who if I see your name flash up on their phone I'm like he's going to have this conversation done within 15 seconds or less and I'll pick that up every time

but there's some people that will ring you like can where I'm like have I got 45 minutes to take this call aye so it's out of me

but I'm efficient as fuck on a phone call this is the information I need to impart do you have any objections to any of this alright see you later don't care how your day is

if I cared how your day is I'd ask I'd text if I wanted to care how your day is I'd assume if it was going badly Natalie would fucking phone me and be like alright

he's dead yeah but you can do you can do it where you have your phone on silent and you set the alert off with your iPad like while it's on silent that's enough and also you can find your phone on silent and you set the alert off with your iPad like while it's on silent that's enough

and also you can find your phone if it's dark if someone says can I ring it and you'd have it at night and you get an eye knock all the lights off

and ring it wherever the glow comes from or even if you've got I've got good hearing if you can fucking hear the you can sometimes hear the vibration

just work it out but so Zoe is correct that i am in muggle corner uh for the crime that she i would argue maybe didn't know i would argue that unless your vision is 2020 you belong in the corner but obviously i'm not allowed to say that so that's not in the corner but yeah if you lose your if you lose your glasses or sorry don't even lose it you're not wearing your glasses if you yeah if you've chosen to not wear your glasses and then complain about the lack of sight you have

that is no one else's fault apart from your own and that information has no no point being in the ether or in other people's heads so go

find your way to your corner if you can you fucking blind cunts but I'd like to counter this with another suggestion which isn't my

proposition for Muggle Corner but the the opposite of that when people who don't need glasses wear glasses with no

prescription oh just as a oh yeah as a fucking trick or no lenses as a statement yeah yeah they're just like

yeah no I just thought they looked nice and it's like you don't like that would be I think someone with a full set of hair wearing a wig

yeah well no even in a fucking worse way it's the equivalent of just being like me rocking up in a fucking worse way it's the equipment just being like me rocking up in a fucking

wheelchair with spinning rims being like nah I just think they look cool it's like but but you don't need them

yeah but it looks sick look they spin they spin oh and by the way I still want the parking I've earned that I'm in the fucking

wheelchair yeah calipers like Forrest Gump oh aye just fucking what it's a fashion it's not for you

I would agree with that yeah if you wear glasses when you don't need glasses go stand in the fucking corner you absolute pretentious sack of shit but in the 90s a lot of like

gangster rappers and that used to wear bandanas when they didn't have cancer yeah also if you're not Stevie Wonder you don't need

sunglasses yep unless it's sunny which he never knows well he never does apart from when it's hot. Right. Either that or you're standing too close to the microwave.

Thinks he's watching tennis. You don't get heat off the microwave. That was a good joke until you thought about it. Do you not get heat off the microwave? No, you don't. Do you know when people talk about nuking the food, I listen to Neil deGrasse Tyson talking about like, you know all it is is friction it vibrates the water molecules

and it's friction so you like you have friction in your food not nuking it like there's nothing like it's not like if you went to me Joey to friction up your meal

I'd be like nah go fuck yourself like get your dick away from my food like this is one of the points where Neil deGrasse Tyson can fuck off

it's like yeah we know we're just let us have this fun bit Neil deGrasse Tyson buzzkill off it's like yeah we know we're just let us have this fun bit Neil deGrasse Tyson buzzkill he is a buzzkill he says he's doing a fucking meme about science

and people are like well actually you're like oh fuck off nerd I was talking about that as well when he keeps correcting movies and people are like ripping for correcting the movie

like there was the one that he did and I love Neil deGrasse Tyson I think he's the fucking genius I think he's one of the best talkers oh and he's riveting and everything and he's a genius

and he's so smart and I love listening to's a genius, and he's so smart. I love listening to his voice. The one that he did that really fucked me up, right? He was talking about the movie Titanic, right? The Snakes guy was wrong. Oh, my God. This fucking dweeb, right? So, I can't remember.

James Cameron, who directed Titanic, right? He went down into the fucking ocean to see the Titanic himself. He wanted to get all the measurements of the Titanic correct, right? He went down into the fucking ocean to see the Titanic himself. He wanted to get all the measurements of the Titanic correct, right? He got someone fucking designing. He had all the old plans. He wanted it to look

as authentically close to the Titanic as he possibly could, right? And Neil deGrasse Tyson's argument was, he was like, and I lost all respect for the movie

because they were in whatever fucking ocean and the North Star was there and they just made up a bunch of stars. And you go, listen here, you fucking little nerd right

I'm going to have to shove you in a locker again so you understand that nobody gives a shit like nobody apart from you you giant fucking dweeb is going

well actually I think I'll find Jupiter's out there fuck off oh my god do you want to know just like our suit joke like what came good of that years later

of that nerdy comment is that Seth MacFarlane got in touch with Neil deGrasse Tyson when making Ted to make sure he had the exact night sky from Boston on Christmas Day at the end of the movie. Oh, Jesus. But as a joke,

as a like, oh, wait, I'll take it seriously. I don't want Neil deGrasse Tyson jumping on it. Let's make sure we have the correct night sky in Boston in 1996 or whatever. Don't get me wrong. As someone that's like... I understand a little bit. Like, as a fucking comic book reader.

Like, when I watch comic book movies, right? I always hate to be the person just being like, it was different in the comic. It was different... You're like, fucking... Yeah, it was. That's why they made the movie. They had to make it translate.

I have to try and pull back and just be like... There's some times it annoys me, the changes they make. Oh, the one thing... Right, I've always been like, oh, just let go of the back and just pull it. There's sometimes it annoys me the changes they make. Oh, the one thing, right, I've always been like, oh, just let go of the book and enjoy the movie.

I've always been that guy, right? Like, even Dark Tower, which is a sack of shit as a movie, right? And a book.

I still managed to enjoy it because it was so different. You've read one of the books. I've read three of the books. You've read, have you? Yeah. Are you three in?

Yeah. Have you done the drawing of the three? Yeah. And you're still not into it? No. Something wrong with you? It's fucking amazing. I thought it was a

pilot show. Such a great adventure. So the movie was completely different but I was like, you know what, like, Matthew McConaughey

is pretty good in it. Aye. Like, just sit back and just watch this as if it's not called Dog Tower. Aye.

Stop being on your fucking snobby high horse. But, Gillian Flynn? Is it Gillian Flynn? Gone Girl? Aye. I read gone girl and fuck me that's a horror story right it's an absolute horror story because it's in the heads right

you're in the fucking heads of the people and what they're thinking right the couple yeah when you watch the film like ben affleck doesn't have the facial range the expressions to convey what he's thinking in their moments that like you just think oh right so i basically just look at this douchebag's face and trying to get everything that I got from the book.

It's not going to happen. I'd never read Gone Girl but I actually quite enjoyed the movie because I didn't know what the fucking twist was and

then I watched it and I was like fucking hell. Anyway Neil deGrasse Tyson's in the corner. That was the point we were making right? Yeah yeah yeah.

Thanks Zoe for suggesting that Neil deGrasse Tyson. If you're Neil deGrasse Tyson have yourself 30 seconds in the corner. I stopped looking at the stars.

And I do love you. And I do love you. Please come on the podcast. Imagine. Imagine we've got Neil deGrasse Tyson on this podcast. One can dream. I know. Can everyone bombard Neil deGrasse Tyson on Twitter?

He's on a lot of podcasts that deserve respect, but it would be real nice if he lowered the standards a bit yeah right what's your Muggle Corner this is also from Twitter

but like I put it in Muggle Corner and they did it and went in Muggle Corner but I totally encourage it alright good fan art oh yeah totally

fan art is so Muggly but I love it so fucking much like not even when it's coming like obviously when it's coming towards you because your own ego is like oh yeah someone's done a drawing of us right, but you know when like

Cullen was getting fan art and it's like, it just makes him look like a heap of shit and it's like oh they really captured your world from this tour I've had two bits of fucking fan art which I have I have two of them, genuinely fucking

say I've kept them in a little plastic binder so they don't get fucking trashed and think I'm gonna have them framed because they're great like it's real one of you was very

very much like to the level of artwork in Lock and Key it was like that sort of the style of that graphic novel and it was me roasting Cupid

you had a silver platter with the cherub Cupid on it like a hogtied and with an apple in his mouth. So he's basically spit roasting a baby is what you were doing.

Exactly, right. Well, that's what the jigsaw's about. That was the real under meaning. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah, that's a real difficult one because obviously,

but this is again good for the new listeners to understand everyone does muggly things and sometimes muggly things are good. That's why you do them. But it does not take away the fact they are inherently muggly. Yeah, the one that was done for us was just like a picture of us on the road without a picture of us in the car, but then there was an aeroplane, that was a joint was the fuselage

of the aeroplane and it was like hanging a banner saying are we in the same seats and if you look close to the grass it had like, you know, Conor McGregor's Fuck You pinstripes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was just like, your dad, your dad, your dad, your dad on the grass. It was like, just a bit of thought went in

and a bit of creativity and it was like, I loved receiving it. It was like a buzz. I was like, oh, that's fucking awesome. And they tagged it with Muggles do fan art.

And I'm like, yes, I do, but please keep doing it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you have to go stand at the corner. Like, you have to. You have to.

Remember the early one when we'd done the battle rap? Yeah. And someone'd done a doing it yeah yeah I mean do you have to go stand at the corner like you have to you have to remember the early one when we done the battle rap someone done a fan art of us battle rapping each other

no it was like six years ago I can't remember it now I don't think we'll receive enough Daniel this is more

of a plea than a oh I think it's more fan art and it can be as aggressively sexually as you'd like can you do some fan fiction fan art please oh no please don't do that because I can't visual and it can be as aggressively sexually as you'd like can you do some fan fiction fan art

please oh no please don't do that because I can't visualise it can somebody send a picture of me and Daniel fucking it's worth the twitter ban we won't report you

we're not going to be fucking nice how good was that when you had two tickets come available the ones that were held for press in Libjubljana? And you were like, if anybody draws pictures of my penis, the winner gets two.

Yeah, if anyone draws the Solastos monster, they get two free tickets. And I loved all the fucking... So many creative drawings. People sent me so many dick pics, but they were all solicited, so that's absolutely fine. Yes. Right. You're a father. Oh, I need my phone for this.

Good. While you're doing that, I will... Yeah, plug the rest of the tour. Yeah, plug the rest of the tour. A lot of the dates are sold out. As I've always said, we are going to be adding more dates.

They're all in the store at works. One of the shows in London is not sold out yet. All the other ones pretty much are. You can go via my website, but if my website says sold out, then do go on to Ticketmaster for those places because I think they've got a more accurate count. Also, if you want to come to any of the sold out ones

we've got so far, we were talking to some people in Paris who basically turned up at the venue an hour before the show started and there were some tickets there. That's a big risk and I wouldn't fucking recommend it, but some of you are massive dweebs and you're willing to

take that gamble because sometimes press tickets are released sometimes people don't turn up but yeah we'll be adding more dates to the tour

plug my show plug the CK show there we are that's that done a little bit of admin that's on kaihunfries.com

forward slap forward slap yourself in the face and use the discount code Muggins and you can get it for cheaper you cheap folks

did you not even get up to get your phone I went for a piss you fucking idiot got my phone though your dad can fart the alphabet your dad wears waders

when he's fishing for compliments your dad uses nipple clamps on women who breastfeed for compliments your dad uses nipple clamps on women who breastfeed in public your dad your dad learned braille especially so that he could read his nipples eight years ago your dad shoved the nine of hearts up his ass for a magic trick but he's

forgotten to stick a new nine of hearts in the deck and still can't understand why no one has picked it. Your dad got a job as a mannequin in Debenhams but got fired for setting off the burglar alarm every night. Your dad makes minion memes about Brexit. Your dad says he has depression and anxiety because he thinks it's fashionable. Your dad uses those elastic candy necklaces, you know, the ones we used to be able to bite half of.

He uses them to hunt spiders in his house and his YouTube channel is called Small Game Hunter, but every kid in the street calls him Small Game Hunter instead. Your dad learned how to whisper in a helicopter. Your dad was at our Amsterdam podcast your dad is literally everything that we ever do my mum and dad were at Kai's wedding

they were at Brett and Maddy's wedding they come to New York they were at Conan with you you keep going places and you're like oh hi mum, hi dad I do love it your dad says what of my five a day

when he drinks cider your dad tried to do the lady in the tramp spaghetti scene but with spaghetti hoops your dad has had a million and one things to do

so he's only just got a round of doing his ice bucket challenge your dad went to DFS for a new couch and his only consistent question was which retains the most smell of thighs? Your dad used a drinking straw to fix an ant infestation in his kitchen. Your dad wears an elbow

pad showing fibrocyte. Your dad botoxed his testicles and now they're as smooth as velvet but the size of an ostrich egg oh I if they're smooth as velvet I can't touch them he's played himself he's backed himself into a corner

for those that don't know Daniel's afraid of velvet like a real fear it's not fear it's the same way people are afraid of heights that can kill you or fire that can burn you

no it's not fear it's not fear or spiders that can kill you it's like it's not fear. Or spiders that can kill you. It's like a deep rooted ingrained fear. Are you scared of hot plates? That's what I mean, something that can hurt you. But you're not scared of a fucking hot plate. Okay, this is the argument I was doing

but now you're doing it so this will be interesting. No, but you're not scared of a fucking hot plate you just won't touch a hot plate because you know that feels unpleasant. Yeah, except the hot plate actually just won't touch a hot plate yeah that feels unpleasant yeah exactly for me velvet the hot plate actually poses a threat oh but it's the other thing i just you don't want to touch you it's not a threat it's gonna burn my fingers that's not a threat i'm getting that it's not a threat there's no threat but it's not but how is how is a hot plate a threat you're gonna die you because it melts it melts your skin all right but you touch it you go it sends

a message to your brain saying get get the fuck out of there, right? Because it's hot and it can harm you and it can do lasting damage. to call it a fucking transgold bitch-ass move. Right, okay, a hot plate.

Aye. Like a hot plate that you cook your food on. Aye. It fucking burns, you melt your skin to the stovetop. Aye.

No, no, not a hot plate like somebody Like a hot plate? The way it goes, here's a hot plate. In that case, nah, I'm grand.

I can go, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, and put it down, right? And I could do that with hell, but I just choose not to. But hold on. This is the thing. Your brain is getting a message off the hot plate that this could be a danger, right? It's hot. It's past your threshold of heat. The velvet is offering no threat. Yet your brain is going, get me out of here.

Would you hold hands with grassy all day long? Grassy? I'd fucking love to. Right. Is with an offer so how's that not a threat I've got the opposite I don't know when there's a threat

you see a threat when there isn't one I don't see a threat when there is one because this is the thing you always put to the fucking the other thing is

I just don't like touching it I hate touching it it's an unpleasant feeling right I don't enjoy there must be things in life where you go touch it

and you go, that feels fucking gross. I would not go out of my way to fucking touch that thing. Nothing illogical like that. Right, so if I was to... Like, Ricketts has the belly button one, doesn't he? Like, you can't touch his belly button. If I was to... Or he gets nuts.

He'll be like, get out of that one. If I was to fucking chew food for ages and just be like, hold that, you go, I don't want to touch that. Yeah, but even there, there's a part of your brain, that's been in his mouth there's germs in it there's like there's a logical

threat coming from the chewed up food why are you seeing this as a threat because you're threatened by velvet no but that's the way you're fucking

pitching it like it's you're going from the fucking extremes here right you're saying either everything is perfect in life or it's a

danger to your fucking life and there's nothing about it primal reaction but it nothing about it primal reaction but it's not a primal reaction you're thinking

my brain's going oh my god the velvet monster's here we're in actual fact I'm going that feels gross I do not enjoy the touching of that

that is an unpleasant experience you're the one that's suddenly been like man anything I can't touch is an immediate threat to my life anything I can touch

I can beat up I'm Kai Humphries things are black and white I can either beat it up or I can kill me those are the two categories my name's Daniel I'm not going to get

harmed by the velvet but I don't like it anyway don't touch it I don't like the velvet are you going to watch a movie I don't like the cream that

that is mixed in the sandwich are you going to watch a movie that you don't like for three fucking hours are you going to turn it the fuck off you're going to be like

no no no I'm not scared I'm not scared of this movie I'm not enjoying. It's not a threat to me. I will sit there and waste four hours of my life enjoying this movie

that I do because it's not a threat. I am Kai Humphries. Things are threats or I'm a threat to them. Black and white. Only thing. Nobody's allowed

to not like things. Nobody's allowed to be perturbed by things. No, no, no, no. It's either fear or bravery. It would be a stupid suggestion if I, Kai Humphries

was suggesting actively to seek out velvet and touch it for three hours I don't think you should do that with your day especially if you don't enjoy it

but don't recoil like you touched it on the tablecloth or whatever oh no it's velvet I can't touch that I mean I mean

I don't like touching it I'm pleasant I'm fucking pleasant it's like touching it and going I don't like I'm not going to sit there and touch something I don't like and be like nah nah I'm pleasant I'm fucking pleasant it's like touching someone and going I don't like I'm not going to sit there and touch

something I don't like and be like nah nah I'll just I'm not enjoying any of this but I'll keep doing it because I want Kai to think I'm

a big wave boy you'll sit there and be like nah nah never scared never scared nah nah nah I'm scared of

velvet I'm scared of velvet fucking black you're such a Neanderthal with no perspective. I'm the one that would

die in the way of your Skater Velvet. Aye. You couldn't fucking see shit from miles away. Couldn't see shit right in front of you. A lion could come up behind you.

It's a good job you've got these 20-20 vision so you can use those fucking perfect orbs of sight to look out for velvet, you fucking pussy. I'm not looking out. I get, oh.

Your dad's cock has whiskers so he can check whether it fits in a glory hole before he commits your dad I've got one left your dad put a mashie in his head and then tried to pop it like a balloon

I thought I was still on alright bye