Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 3.9 Absolute Shambles

Episode Date: October 28, 2018

It's an absolute shambles. But our personal favourite!

Sloss and Humphries on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins Straight thuggin', living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha!

They said it can't be done! Are we in the same seats? That's hack Awww, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia

Where have you been since 9-11? Hello, it's me, Kai Humphries, aka Muggins, joined by long-time fan Daniel Sloss, aka Pickles. We're not turning this around. I mean, good luck. You can try and you can watch this. I mean, he's putting up a lot of resistance.

He doesn't want to get called Pickles, does he? This is a classic Kai move. What happens is people make jokes about Kai and then he turns it on them he this is a classic Kai move what happens is people make jokes about Kai and then he turns it on them that's a classic

pickles response no no because you did the same thing with Matty and the Pinson movement because you did the

exact same thing whoa shots fired the joke's over I was only doing it as a bit you you pinced the girl and Mat a bit you you pinched the girl

and my call John pinched the girl and then you then changed the narrative as Kai Humphries famously does wow that's your move

to get out of being called pickles as a joke instead of just strip my whole identity like that Matty is sending me DMs right now

thanking me praising me. Well, we're going to delete the start of this podcast. Fucking hell. So what's up, Pinsy? Pinsy and Pickles, if that's where we're going. I don't like this one bit. No?

This is the girl that you pinced. Oh, mate. Matty is cum in his pants seven times I feel like I feel like I'm in the dock like we're innocent in the dock

but I'm up against a really good prosecution or a or a prosecutor defendant actually I mean defendant

prosecution as if they kill you at the end of it a prosecutioner ladies and gentlemen boys and girls Daniel's high oh we're pretty high

we're high so just now we are in Vilnius Vilnius in Lithuania but tonight's gig was in Kaunas in Lithuania

so we drove down there with the lovely and gorgeous Paulius who looks after us every year and obviously Paulius being Paulius and the greatest man that ever lived brought us wheat and so did our fan so thank you for that so this is one of those hard podcasts that you all famously hate

isn't it funny that you can have a preconceived judgment about a place and especially considering we've been to Lithuania four times so So this is our fourth time in Lithuania. Fifth time. Yeah, no, yeah, it is. It's the fifth. And in 2014, before the first time we came here, I genuinely thought Lithuania was just rubble, like war-torn. Like, you're probably going to wake up in an ice-cold bath

with, like, stitches from where your organs have been harvested. From laughing so hard at our comedy shows. Just in stitches in the bath. I just thought I'd come to Lithuania and I just laughed my tits off in the bathroom. And to be fair, when you first get to Vilnius, don't get me wrong, the first five miles from the airport is exactly what you expect. Like, Lithuania, the thing

I love about Vilnius is it's not one of those airports where it's because, you know what, we'll put you in one of the most beautiful parts of the city. we'll let you drive into the city see it from the outside Oslo from the airport to the city it's a 30 minute drive but it shows it shows you Norway

you see the cliffs and the mountains same with Ljubljana is a beautiful drive from the airport to the city Lithuania Vilnius they do not give a shit on first impressions they just go ah you, there's a donkey. And you know when a place has got gash graffiti? Shit graffiti, aye.

It gets good when you get into the city. It gets a bit more artistic, but usually it's just people scrubbing like Kai Wazia. Aye. You can tell that this is... IDST. There was a black bridge, there still is a black bridge

with a railway lane across the Wandsbeck Liam Blythe and somebody put Denise I love you across the bridge like risked their life to put Denise I love you

it's the most romantic thing I've ever seen by the way are you having have you been going through a nasty breakup why because your room

is like we're in Daniel's room now doing the podcast and there's just a scream and Haribo sweets, crisps. What the fuck are these things?

I think they're the Mauam things. The Mauam meals are absolutely perfect. And then watching this little like Aldi bag. What are you playing in Aldi? This was a little surprise because I knew we were hitting high tonight.

This was actually supposed to be a little surprise for you. Is it? This isn't you going for a break up. This is actually... Look, I brought us a bunch of... Pot noodles. Cup of soups and pot noodles

for when we're very calm and watching... Fucking how the other half live. of soups and pot noodles But when we were very climbing I watched this Fucking how the other half live He's actually bought pot noodles In Lithuania With different flavours Look There's a ball

In the hot chicken noodle soup With their sour cream and herbs Is this after fucking When we were in Sweden With Barang And we watched Chef's Table That thing about fine dining

On Netflix Which I recommend When you're high by the way It's called Chef's Table It that thing about fine dining on Netflix, which I recommend when you're high, by the way. It's called Chef's Table. It's good. So you watched that and went, oh, I'm going to cook up a storm tonight. No, I just figured the amount of times that you may have done a high podcast together

and then had serious munchies. I knew tonight we were getting high. I knew for a fact. And also because of the fact that tomorrow, because we're gigging in the city that we're currently in, that we were allowed a late one tonight. So I was like, realistically... We'll wake up in the same city that we're gigging in the city that we're currently in. Yes. And we were allowed a late one tonight. So I was like, realistically...

We'll wake up in the same city that we're gigging in. Yeah. So realistically today, I was like... That never happens. We're doing a podcast now when we get back and we're probably going to get high or drunk because we can, because there's no wake up call tomorrow.

Most days, you wake up and you go, oh, I've got to get to another country. That's most days. It's fucking bizarre. Sometimes I wake up and I don't know what country I'm in and it's sometimes not until I'm in the middle

of my breakfast that I go, oh, I'm in Slovenia. And you can tell what the country is by how shite the hotel breakfast is.

And this is one thing I'll say. The further I used to go, the more they'll just go in for dry bread and ham, sliced ham. One thing I'll say,

I don't want to speak in behalf of you, but we're both against Brexit, right? Yeah. Brexit was not something we voted for. It was not something we wanted. Because we were on glass and we were off our tits.

So we didn't vote. So sorry about that, boys. Our fault. Hi, girls. Girls listen to this. Hi, Natalie. So I'm very pro-Europe and all that stuff, but I'll tell you what, the rest of Europe,

the only country in Europe that does a decent breakfast, well, the only three, Ireland, Scotland, England. Yes. Right? Wales, I don't know if you... I haven't had a breakfast there yet, actually.

I don't know if Wales do... I trust you. Because there's a full Scottish breakfast, there's a full English breakfast, and there's a full Irish breakfast. And how can you tell between the three, right? So, English, I think you've got your black pudding and you've got your hash browns, There's your school Full English breakfast And there's a full Irish breakfast And how can you tell Between the three right So English English I think

You've got your Black pudding And you've got your hash browns Other distinguishing features I think it's Scotland You've got your scone And black pudding's Irish No black pudding's more

I think yours is more haggis For that item What do you think Black pudding is No but like Ireland I would say They've got white pudding That's their little

USP On an Irish breakfast It's a white pudding I would genuinely I've got white pudding. That's their little USP on an Irish breakfast is the white pudding. I would genuinely claim. I get where you're coming from. Hash browns, I reckon you've obviously, that's English. You've got tatty scone. Tatty scone. Black pudding, I'm absolutely the same as you.

Square sausage. Square sausage. Black pudding, you didn't claim like haggis of yours. I absolutely do. You borrow it. You borrow it. Do we? You borrow beans.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Black pudding is pretty much haggis just with more blood in it. So that's why I think it's Irish. Like it's just another form of haggis. because I was the same as you borrow beans no no no black pudding is pretty much haggis just with more blood in it so that's why I think it's ours like it's just

another form of haggis I think like we've got black pudding you've got haggis no then why do you have haggis you can have both we invented both

you can't have black pudding as your signature that's like having sausage or bacon it's like one of the staple bits

no black pudding's not who's side am I on that doesn't fight my corner either. Black Puddin's are, tax guns are, square sausage. Now, this is something that foreign listeners won't know

because obviously you know about square sausages because you're from the North East. Right? So it's part of your culture too. But the rest of the world, even England, is not aware of the square sausage

and how absolutely outstanding it is. It's good. It's like someone, like, stood on your sausage a bunch. But with clean feet. Imagine you road killed SpongeBob SquarePants and then grilled him. Like obviously he plucked off his feet and his arms and his big fucking nose. You are high.

Why? That's good. That was a good, I mean, it was a good SpongeBob SquarePants. That's what you're like. That's square sausage. But he's made of sponge. No, but I mean shape-wise. Everyone knows what a square is.

You don't need to explain square. But he's like a flattened square, isn't he? Because he's been run over. If a square sausage was the thickness of SpongeBob SquarePants, that's a thick burger. That's a patty at that point. Is SpongeBob SquarePants that flat, though? No, it's not.

It's quite cube. Like, not cube. He's like... That's what I mean. That's why he's run over. He's not as deep as he is long. He's more of a spudgy buck rectangle

pot kettle black pudding white pudding pudding so we're high well you are um

I don't know breakfast I don't know because I do think America they think they do a good breakfast. But what they do is they give you dessert for breakfast. Like all American... Americans don't have breakfast.

They just have... They just got all this good dessert. They have some pancakes and waffles and syrup. Pancakes, waffles. And it's... Don't get me wrong. It's fucking delicious. But it's not a breakfast.

It's like... You can't fucking be on a sugar high at a.m uh i mean you gotta burn out early it's just every like tell you what they do they do because they don't understand the concept of hash browns or beans american beans are so shit um they don't understand the concept of hash browns but what they will do is they'll fucking just shred a potato for ages and then fry that with butter they do potatoes better though

they do they do do potatoes a lot better even better than the Irish the Irish just like just boil it for about five minutes and then hand you

it in a metal tin they're known for potatoes but they've got no panache they've got no je ne sais quoi with their potatoes like I don't know no je ne sais quoi with their potatoes. I don't know what? Je ne sais quoi.

Oh, okay. Sorry. Okay, cool. Sorry I didn't hear you the first time. What did you think of that? A little joke for the French boys and girls. Girls listen to this. French ones?

Hi, Natalie. She's not French. She's one of the other ones. One of them. All right, but she's, you know, speaks a different language ones one of them alright but she's you know speaks a different language doesn't she the language of love

she'll get it on the phone again no I think there's I genuinely believe here's my theory I genuinely believe there are more romantic photos out there of me and your wife

than you and your wife and I mean that sincerely the amount of photos where it's... Because... Because you've actually got like staged soppy ones as well when you got the prank on us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. For the sponsor on the boxing event. I'll explain the backstory of this. So a couple of years ago, Kai frapped me to a point where it upset my mother. Frapped being Facebook raped.

Oh, no, no, no. It wasn't even that one. No, sorry. It was you kissed my mum in altitude. That was it. No, that was the revenge I got. No, no, no. That was Christmas 16 wasn't even that one no sorry it was you kissed my mum in Altitude that was it no that was the Revenge I got no no no

that was Christmas 16 no that's that's what started it you in Altitude you kissed my mum and dad and that's when I came up with the Revenge of the Posters nah

it was I got you back no you did you got me back after but the first one so basically in Altitude we were doing

me and Kai Stelblad on stage and during it Kai managed to get the audience to chant for him to kiss my mother and then for him to kiss my father. I tongue kissed his dad. Yeah. So then three months after that, at the charity boxing event, I decided to sponsor the event because I couldn't be there. But obviously, I don't have a company.

So I invented my own company where I came up with my own logo. Team Pins? No, Team... What was it? Team Smug. Team Pins? No, Team... What was it? Team Smug. Team Smug, yeah. So my thing was called... My company was called Team Smug

and my logo was me kissing Natalie. So we had three logos, one of me kissing Natalie, one of me in bed with Natalie with a Chelsea scarf around my neck. And... Oh, no, your Newcastle scarf around my neck. Yeah.

I'm wearing a Chelsea shirt with my name on it and another one of just me just like balls deep in the back of her neck that one didn't go to print

but I still have it so there's the one where you're asleep after Mary's wedding that was a recent one yeah but there's so many where it just

and also there is more pictures of you and Natalie than 100% 100% the amount of times because I I will insult Natalie

till the ends of the earth to her face because fuck her but for the seven years we've been together the amount of times when we live together in the morning

if I woke up hungover I would walk through secret room kick you out of bed and just spoon Natalie and she would be like can I go make breakfast and all the photos

that you took of that just to laugh Brian so do you think more romantic photos exist of me and your bird than you and your bird there's probably more

romantic photos of me and you than there are of me and Natalie in fact when I went through the wedding photos I nearly just posted

them once going oh I had a lovely time at my wedding. Just fucking mushy posters of me and E. Just like that. Your hand down, wee pants and that. The usual. Oh, I'm just, you know,

got to make sure she still knows who's boss. She'll be like, who's paying for these? Checking I've got a condom on. All wedding. Sorry, I'm eating well we're waiting for you no are you talking are you eating

no sorry I'm eating you were just jumping to the bank if you were a good fucking co-host you would have fucking led him

a conversation I'm pissed off then right last podcast you went to get water forgot you were going for water and went for a piss and I covered for two minutes while you were fucking being a moron

all around the shop. I can't chew for seven seconds But you asked us to wait I asked them to wait I'm sorry, are you a fan of the podcast? Did I make you like Oh wait guys, just put up with this cunt for a bit. I'll be back in a minute

Wait, let's do these seats You know what, just, wait, guys, just put up with this cunt for a bit. I'll be back in a minute. Wait, let's do these scenes. You know what? Just skip forward a couple of seconds. I'll be back. It's the greatest comeback since The Rock. We were talking about The Rock today. I realised that I haven't seen a film with The Rock in it.

Man, I can name you so many. Yeah, I seem to really like him as an actor. Right. Here's my rundown on why. I think I like him as an actor from trailers. I've only seen him in trailers but loads of them I will genuinely open this up to the public send us fucking emails or

tweets top 5 rock movies right here's mine this is in no particular order but they're all in the top 5 Gridiron Gang Moana obviously and Gridiron Gang Moana obviously and

fuck it I'm throwing the tooth fairy in there Jumanji remake wasn't that bad it was actually that's the thing with a Jumanji remake

right I look at that and go oh Jumanji remake what are they redoing that for but then again oh the rocks in it

and you're like give it a look like I'm probably not going to enjoy it but you think I'm not going to pop my head in man you could

you could remake my birthing video with The Rock in it and be like well now I'll watch it just The Rock clambering

wait a minute you have a birthing video probably my dad's a perv oh my god is there actually a video hang on

is there I was born on camera baby is there actually a video hang on is there I was born on camera baby is there a video out there of you being born in fact I don't know

because how we can raise some money for charity if we put that on an eBay auction I reckon we're going to raise at least 50 quid

man it's just it's just going to be me outbidding perverts like my dad you and your dad in a bidding war yeah

but we still we still go up to 10 grand somehow no other bidders it's just a two there's no need we both set up the account

you're just on on the same account on a different I tell you what we're just we're just trying to bump up the value of my mum different laptop I tell you what We're just trying to Bump up the value Of my mum's puss

Fucking You know how Brexit came along Went dipped in value Oh man I'd love to see that photo Just because Video Because I'd love to just see a video

You cry You want to put the Oh no Someone crying coming out of it Do you reckon you cried when you were born no no you didn't

came out wailing oh I'm scared when the dog smacked my arse I liked it I fucking liked it you called him daddy and your

and your actual dad was furious aye he was the one crying my dad cried on my video because I carved a nest daddy

do you know why they do you know why they spank your bum when you after you give them birth

em check your gender nope get all the fists to the top get all the what the face get the face

like when you tap the can so that's why they bring up they do that Get all the fists at the top. Get all the what? The fists. Get all the fists at the top. Get the fists. Like when you tap a can. So that's why they bring up, and they turn you over, and you burp, and all the air's out. Like when you've dropped a can, and they pick it back up and tap the side of it.

Does that mean like, if they smack your arse on your kids because they dropped you? They're just trying to get the bubbles off the side. Otherwise, the first time you talk, you wail.

That's what it is. You cry. It's all the air coming out. Whereas if they spank you, get all the bubbles off the side. Otherwise, first time you talk, you wail. That's what it is. You cry. It's all the air coming out. Whereas if they spank you, get all the bubbles off the side, you come out speaking full English. Black Puddin'. Would you call me?

Just name my firstborn. Black Puddin'. Black Puddin' Humphreys. Humphreys Lake. Did Natalie actually take your second name aye but we've booked flights

but you what we've booked we've booked flights for stuff so if she changes her name now it's going to be a hell of a lot

of admin so she's not actually changed it to a new name so she's going to date like after I've beaten New York

alright ok but then she's going to have flights for Australia as long as she's got flights in the day, she's safe. I reckon you're being

absolutely played by Natalie. Do you reckon she's always going to have a flight book? She's not. Of course she would. I guarantee you because she's booked for... So the honeymoon's

going to be booked for Christmas, New York or February and then she's coming to Australia in April and then we're going to go somewhere in the summer well yeah

she's part of 9-11 too yeah September she forgot her passport oh they didn't say it wrong because her name

was changed it says laying on your board and passport Humphries on your passport next thing you know

the fucking the freedom tower's still standing it was it was a struggle oh mate I nearly quit

like I knew I wanted the tower that replaced the Twin Towers you nearly Conor McGregor during that bit just fucking

tapped out way too early yeah dude I nearly gave it to the Rockefeller I nearly gave it to the Empire State Building I was just about

to pop in another building but the Freedom Tower is the one I wanted. It's the one that the listener's got. That gold. That's only 20 minutes. Oh, God, I bet it feels like hours for them. Nah, nah.

Fuck. Imagine being them. No, absolutely not. Imagine listening to them again. Right, I've got 24 hours of my day. I'm going to use eight of them on sleep, right? 16 hours, that's all I've got 24 hours Of my day I'm going to use Eight of them on sleep Right

16 hours That's all I've got Fill them wisely And you're just listening To this Well one of them Now it's worse There's

Some of these cunts Are stuck in traffic And just be like You know what I know I'm stuck in traffic But you know what It's absolutely fine Don't bother

I've got my two boys Muggins and Cream Cheering me up On this ride home this hour's going to fly by and they're sat there now going 20 minutes that hasn't even been any traffic

they've been fucking flying along at 80 how the fuck has it took us this long to get to work imagine all the stuff you could do with your day yeah it would be worse

than listening to it day in it look what we chose to do with your day. Yeah, it would be worse than listening to it. Doing it? Look what we chose to do with an hour. Right, but at least we're high. We're not mags like these pregs. Oh, man. I hope some of you are high listening to this. There's 4,000 people listening to this now.

Is there? That's double the amount of people that watch Sunderland play a year. Oh, here we go. Kai's team's not doing well this season, so he's mismatching Sunderland Kai's team's not doing well this season so he's besmirching Sunderland because he's well his team's not

doing well this season I still have a fucking 35-40 places higher than Sunderland I mean not that many don't absolutely not that many close though

close like that than none so anyway 4,500 people listening there's got to be a few of them high I reckon it was 400 and I reckon 10%. I reckon it was 400.

And I reckon this is ticking boxes with them. I reckon those ones are probably joining in, but the rest of the ones, the majority, I like how you're like at least 10% enjoying what we're doing. If you made it this far, tweet work. None of this is content now. You're still here. At this point, you cunts are just being nosy.

You're not listening to our podcast. You're just listening to two of my friends. Yeah, eavesdropping. Like Babe Station, but with only one babe. Me? Fucking NSA. I'm going to leave that ambiguous. Jesus Christ.

I tell you, look. NSA. NSA. It's fucking Obama. It's fucking cruel. In his retirement. Just on a scanner. Do you know how it's worse?

We've actually probably got more listeners because even though we're recording this, 4,000 official listeners, the FBI people that are listening to this randomly through the fucking TV and the phone, the ones that Edward Snowden warns about, they're having a shit shift they're having a properly shit shift

we said some stuff we said some stuff about Natalie changing her name on her passport and not getting in to bring down the Freedom Tower they have to listen in key words now

key words Natalie Freedom Tower put two and two together put two and two together put two and two together and make 9-11-2 all he has on deck and and

honestly so we've said a bunch of trigger words including the words trigger right we've said we've said 9-11-2 right

so now 9-11-2 right this time it's personal if they're doing it They're good Because the first time Was just for bad It was sweeping

It was like a generalisation It was just a sweeping statement But if they do 9-11-2 They've got to put the 2 In Roman numerals Just to confuse The front row of people

So people are looking And going 9-4 9-i-i-i-i-i That wouldn't be 4 Because 4 would be IV. Nine Spanish. Nine aye aye aye aye.

Jenny, I've had a G-hut. But honestly, can you imagine just being a fucking FBI cut in the hassle? Because, man, they do listen to everything. They've got to. Aye. That's why I've always... Here's what I was thinking about today. So you know how

our good friend Joel Dormant right you know how he got somebody catfished him into jerking off on Pornhub

yeah yeah and now people know that we've lost all of our listeners because they're now going to look at Pornhub you know what we should do a live commentary on it

can we do that no absolutely absolutely under no circumstances. Mate, that would be content, mate. Like, I know it's fucked up. You'd be content.

I know it's fucked up, right? This is an inanimate object, this laptop recording device that we're using, right? It would be just me and you watching porn and talking about it. That would be the world we lived in for seven minutes. I don't know, I've never seen it alright bullshit if I'm ever lost

Joel's jacking off it would be content though I'm not doing a running commentary of Joel Thomas what video

right we'll put it to them like we'll not do it this time we'll not do it this time but if you want that tweet us

in at Joel into it. This is the worst idea. But don't say that you heard it off the podcast. What is this? Just pretend it's your idea. Just go, hey, Daniel Sluss, Adkai Humphries,

wouldn't it be great if on the podcast... Please don't do this. Please do not do this. Why are you pitching this? Content. Oh my God. We'll get him on the podcast, right? No.

It's just get him to date. Joel's just jacking off. Just for a bit. We got really Joel, overhand. for a just for a we got really Joel overhand like you're like a throttle of a motorbike is that how you're

going to do it Joel you're going the wrong way around the back of your head to whack your dick do I have to watch you sitting on your hand for five minutes

is that part of it can you not just do that behind the scenes yeah why are you sitting on that hand and still using your other hand to wank?

What? What's that? Do you want to feel like someone else is wiping the tears? Yeah, anyway, that's what it would be like. It would be good. It would be good content. It would be good content. You cannot deny that.

I can. They're having fucking oblock puddings from Scotland. Oh, yeah. I was talking about right I'm gonna any other suggestions we'll do commentaries we're so desperate

for content we love content we're not content until we've got content shall we get t-shirts made of that aye maybe people have actually asked for t-shirts made of that aye maybe

people have actually asked for t-shirts for the quote that I did when you were talking about you don't like eating eggs because they're

chicken periods aye and I said I'd eat real periods if they tasted like eggs oh aye people were like there's been like

exactly two people and how is your dad doing did he say hi send him my love next time it's my dad that wants them yeah he said too so your dad and your dad in a moustache with a really posh English accent

hello I was wondering was there any chance one might acquire a t-shirt with your personal quote? Well, try to stick his moustache back on.

Just pushing it back up so it's level. Just pushing it up the sides like it's glasses. Did you just watch his knock? Or maybe. Alright. So now I've got a pad. Just pushing it up on the sides like it's glasses. Did you just watch us knock? Oh, maybe. It's the FBI.

Oh, right. So now I've got a pad. I don't think somebody did knock. I think it was like someone plugging in a plug in the next room. You know how they do. I thought... Every now and again, you know, when you're in a room and you're like, oh, it's pretty silent in here. I can watch a bit of volume on and you just do your thing.

And then it's like when you're trying to get to sleep, you hear someone put the plug in the wall as then it's like when you're trying to get to sleep you hear someone put the plug in the wall as if it's right next to your head and you go oh there you heard us

there you heard me struggling I was using the one on my side of the bed I had to I wanted to and I knew you were using yours

I was trying to be gentle when I leaned over I was talking about the pillow wall that was between us so here's my question to you right Joel Dormant

went through that unfortunate thing that we're going to do a running commentary of apparently what would you I was thinking about this genuinely right

what would your reaction be if like some girl in the past let's say you'd send them like a video of you jerking off or whatever and they fucking released it let's go from the start right let's say you'd send them like a video of you jerking off or whatever, and they fucking released it. Oh, let's go from the start, right?

Let's say I'm a girl you fucked, right, in the past, and I've got a video of you jerking off, and I go, right, pay me £10,000 or I'm going to put this... Is this hypothetical or wishful thinking? We'll see how it ends. So, right, you're hustling this. Because I'm going to be honest if I sent a photo or a video like of me cock

I would get the angle right like it would look good even like there would be some smoke and mirrors aye like

it would look like the fucking Eiffel Tower like pointy at the end so you're saying you wouldn't give in to the blackmail because I don't think I would

nah I would fucking just I would own it like somebody because my thing is like look I got a big deck right if you want to fucking let the public

know that thanks for the free advertising it actually saves us from wasting all of my data sending it to people as well if everyone just gets it

you just send them a link and you start chatting oh fucking thank god that's free I wasn't ours I can finally send it to kids. They'll see it.

In Ireland. No fingerprints on it yet. No. Can't trace it back to me. Apart from that mole. I should get that seen to. Her name's Natalie. Never used to be there.

She buries her head in it. And she's blind. And she's prone. I could fucking crush her. So you wouldn't give in to the you wouldn't give in to the blackmail nah I'm the same

I reckon I would just own it like because my stance would be this right I'm the victim then right if somebody fucking

releases a video of me jerking off revenge porn that's revenge porn I put revenge porn right so my thing is anyone who's seen that

you were immediately in the wrong right I didn't give you fucking don't get me wrong I'm not going to be fucking furious you're in the wrong. I didn't give you fucking permission. Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to be fucking furious. You're in the wrong if you look at it.

How are you? Aye. How are you? No, I didn't give you fucking consent. If you slow down to look at a car crash, you're not complicit in the accident. No, no, no. You're swan-nicking.

If you look at your revenge porn, you're swan-nicking. Nah. I didn't give you permission to look at me jerking it off. Aye. You went out of your way to violate my privacy. So what if you

just had the window open and knew you were jerking it off? Oh, that's my fault. That's my fault. No,

that's my fault. And also my intention. No, it's not because I chose to wank in front of the window. No, you may not have

realised it was open. What if you didn't realise the curtains were open? Is that their fault because I not have realised it was open what if you didn't realise the window was the curtains were open is that their fault because I didn't no but if I send it I didn't think you'd see it

no but if I send it to someone in the thing of trust be like here's me wanking off if I send that to them alright and then they fucking release it that's the violation

because you put the trust in them they broke it not the people that see it so you're going to trust it yourself by not sending it and then if they looked at it when you didn't send it to anybody that's like a violation if they got on your phone and look at it. So you've got to trust it yourself by not sending it. And if they looked at it when you didn't send it to anybody, that's like a violation

if they got on your phone and look at it. Like if you've just got a personal record. Right, so if somebody fucking breaks into, if somebody breaks into, if somebody breaks into your house

and steals the TV, are the next five people who walk past being like, well, it's already broken into. You know what? I might as well take the fucking Xbox. I might as well take

the PlayStation. I might as well take the Skybox. Nah, you're take the PlayStation. I might as well take the Skybox. Nah, you're also still committing robbery. Even though you didn't do the first robbery. You're onto something here, but you're nearly on the right track for your argument because this would validate your argument.

It's like the person burgled your house, right? That's the person getting the photo, right? But then they sell it on to someone. Now, the person who buys that TV didn't burgle your house. They shouldn't be guilty of burgling your house. But they can be. Yeah that TV didn't burgle your house they shouldn't be guilty but they can be yeah they didn't know but if you know

if you knew if they went to you if they went to you I stole this this is 50 quid and you bought that you're absolutely completely

yeah yeah that's why I give you that argument that's the one that's got to swear a little bit to thinking that they've done something wrong but fuck man

like I'd probably still buy the telly it's really it's a fucking Sony Bravia 4K and

it gives it for 30 quid where I didn't want to I didn't want to be complicit in the crime but I'm not a mug I always think

you remember when I can't remember what the cloud hack the iCloud hack was when they got like all the photos of Jennifer Lawrence and stuff nude uh and they released all those ones violated all their privacy i really really think that like 90% of the population was a lot like any president talking about marijuana being like look everyone would go yeah i saw them but I didn't masturbate to them, which is the modern-day equivalent of, yes, I smoked marijuana, but I didn't inhale.

Yes, so is. They're like, yeah, I looked, but I didn't jerk off, so I'm not a monster. It's funny when I look at that, right, that Jennifer Lawrence thing, right? I'm not going to, you know, Jennifer Lawrence, right? I shouldn't have. But it's like the meat eaters thing where they go,

oh, but you're not going to eat that chicken. It's already dead. Oh my God. That's why you justify not being a vegan because the animal's already in the packet. That is it. I mean,

in a horrible way, yes. We should all rethink how we live our lives. Right, that was, should we stop this and go smoke more weed?

See what happens. Let's see if they come back. Alright, I am back alright I am back I'm back what? I don't know how to bring that window back in we'll just shut the fucking door then

right so we're just we're not doing any muggle corners or any of that shit today we're just fucking hiring we're going to talk shit so if that's not your jam for this podcast

feel free to leave we won't take it personally we're very aware of what we're making. One thing you and I have often discussed is I'm getting real fucking sick of all these fucking nerds who have this theory of like, it's all a simulation that we're living in.

Because it's not, right? Here's my true and honest belief. I'm more convinced of that. Like, let's say convinced. It's more of an argument that we're in some kind of matrix than it is that there's a God or an omnipotent creator. Yeah, right. It's more of an argument that we're in some kind of matrix than it is that there's a God or an omnipotent creator. Yeah, right. It's more believable than that,

but that doesn't make it any more plausible than the actual truth, which is we're all a statistical anomaly floating on a rock through an infinite space that has a finite time, but it's an infinite time compared to what we're able to comprehend ourselves. This is all a fucking accident. None of us are fucking meant to be here.

That is. Yeah, that's what life is. So all these fucking nerves that are like, oh, it would be a simulation, it would be a simulation. I'm like, it's not. I hate these fucking philosophy dweebs that don't understand that the point of a mental exercise

is to challenge your reasoning skills. It's not an actual, plausible, believable thing. As people who watch The Matrix or listen to Rene Descartes and goes, oh, but how can you prove that you are yourself and you're not a head in a vial? And you go, that's a thought experiment. It's not meant to be real.

You're so stupid, you're taking this mental exercise. But there are too many things in life that, like, you just accept that shouldn't be explainable. Yeah, so this is the point we're trying to make which is like i don't believe that this is a simulation at all they can't give an example if it is right when we get out of this right and the people who've programmed our life when we come out we're going to seem like fucking idiots because of the stuff we've believed to be true with zero explanation here's one that's something that we just accept all the time right

yesterday we were in floor 16 of a hotel and I flushed the chain and water came out and I turned the tap on and water came out and I just stopped

and thought I'm 16 floors up everybody in this hotel can get water pumped anti-gravity just anti-gravity pumped up like it's the flow

of water. It just goes up. There's no pumps. And nerds will say to you, oh, pressure. You're like, from what? So how come, right, if they've got so much pressure, right,

that it's pushing it up a 16-floor building, how come turning the tap on doesn't cause that pressure to just fire the tap straight into my face? Like, fuck. Fuck closing the tap. Boom. It's water pressure.

There's a pump that's that's powering the water to all of these buildings in this area and there's plumbers screaming at the laptop now

but what you've got to realise if you're a plumber is you're an NCP you're programmed to say you're a programmed character the second

the second I die the second I die and I wake up in a fucking vial and all these aliens are like how was the simulation? I'm going to be like, oh, you know, it was real good.

And they're going to be like, can you honestly just explain to us why you believed any of the following things? Please explain to us how you think phones work. And I'll have to go, right, well, what you do is you hold this bit of plastic up to your head and then you talk into like a drum and the drum remembers what you says and turns it into electricity and then the electricity goes

to the other side of the planet and then hits... Via space. Via space. Via buildings that are floating in space. Just way up there in the sky and then within one second goes into the other electricity of another phone,

hits their drum, and repeats what I said somehow. Yeah, because it's not you saying it. It's their phone saying it. Right. So somehow, the aliens are going to be like, and you believe that,

and I'll be like, ah, you know what, now that I look at it, I guess I was being a fucking idiot. But I mean, you're saying that, but you're putting people in simulations what you believe this

you don't think you're on a simulation where you can put people in simulations I'm going to look such a mug when one of them just stands up

and holds up a DVD and goes right explain to us how there's a movie on that how's Wushua 2 on this oh well because the laser well

it cut off it well it cut off it did it cut off in the middle of a bit alright well that's that bit that one done now night we should just move on to your dad jokes

can we do that aye it's a very short podcast if we do but it feels long for the hem I don't know where my phone is this is a really terrible idea to do it in my pocket

oh for fuck honestly it was actually it was the first place I looked and I kept kept checking my other pockets alright sorry for the short podcast

but we're high you don't need to listen to any more of this you ready yeah your dad's nipple glow in the dark so that you can get fed at night too

when your dad needs a piss at a restaurant Your dad's nipple glow in the dark so that you can get fed at night too. When your dad needs a piss at a restaurant, he does it into his cupped hands and then asks the waiter where he should put it. Your dad has a giant hamster water bottle in his room but uses it for enemas. Your dad tried to take a Prosecco Coke out with his teeth and he smashed off the ceiling. Your dad gets chased by ducks. When you ask your dad how many kids he's had, he says three, two in the pink, one in the pink. Your dad sent his CV into the zoo.

You wanted to work there? Good job. Brings his bread home. That's why the ducks chase him. I like that your dad started doing one to one lessons in self harming and he's his only client

your dad wears crocs on the sunbeds your dad can't help himself from giggling when he's being told off your dad cried when he met Philip Schofield

that was him That was him That was him I saw him at the fridge you know Your dad Phil Schofield Same difference Your dad put away Facebook status

About the clocks going back And got six likes And he was chuffed Your dad entered Robot Wars he covered himself in tinfoil held a hammer and then got disqualified

for sleeping with an opponent. Wait a minute. Your actual dad went on Robot Wars covered you in tinfoil. Here he comes Princey Spider. And he's never had sex.

That defeats the point of being a dad. Does it mean? No. Don't ever call us Princey Spider again by the way I heard that. never had sex that defeats the point of being a dad is it mine no don't ever call us Pinsy Spider again by the way I hate that

when your dad Pinsy Winsy Spider when I'm water bout I mean God only knows how because I thought I should

go down right your dad when your dad's driving on the motorway sometimes jumps out of his car like John McClane your dad when your dad's driving on the motorway sometimes jumps out of his car like John McClane

your dad is the MAGA bomber what's the MAGA bomber he's the fucking MAGA bomber the guy isn't it the one that sent all the bombs

to the democrats oh fucking that guy what is it called MAGA make America great again MAGA bomber yeah your dad bites his lips seductively

when you tell him about your kids and he fakes an orgasm when he tells you about his fakes your dad was the inspiration for Eminem's hit record Stan every time your dad stops at a red light He shouts

Roxanne Your dad's tongue turns blue whenever he lies Your dad goes to the field every morning before work To practice heading in corners And he doesn't take a ball Or any mates He just stands in the honeypot In the six yard box for work to practice heading in corners and he doesn't take a ball or any mates. He just stands in the honeypot in the six yard box.

In the mixer. Just yelling in the mixer. Just shouting Martins. He's up. Into the honeypot. Slippers. Whipping in. In the mixer.

Back post. Back stick. Back stick. whip it in in the mixer back post back stick back stick and all the cows in the field are confused it wasn't a football field it was an actual field there's a bull

there's a bull just fucking scratching its hoof they kept having to make a run for him it's like man on wide its hoof they kept holding it and making a run for him he's like man on wide wide

I always put them wide it's imaginary he's getting on the end of a bar shuts his

eyes just fucking shuts his eyes he'd do just let it fucking hit off his

face and gone out he could have been anything he's in his head he could Shut his eyes, he'd do, just let it fucking hit off his face and gone out. He could have been anything. He's in his head. He could have belted it in. Beat the keeper. But even in his fantasy,

he's still a shit cunt. Nah, goal kick. He gets up for the goal kick and I'll have to watch. He fucking gets up for the heater, spaffs it right off his face and just fucking, hi everyone lads, get back.

Get back. Don't let it bounce twice. First, we get the first ball. Mark, get me in. He just runs the rest of the game, loses 6-0. He gets sent off in the next game. He starts, he gets to the field. He gets sent off. He's yelling at no one.

What do you mean, stand up? I'm wearing wellies. He's been getting back for corners. And then he fucking elbowed someone in the heat in the box,

gave away a penalty, got marched off, argued with the ref, he's capped and calmed him down. And then he was a captain, he took his imaginary armband off

and he tossed it in the ground absolute disrespect for the vice he whacked it in the tunnel and showered showered right

again again no stadium he's I cannot stress this enough he's in a field with cows in it actually

there's a lot of passers-by ramblers just watching him, like, whacking their kids. It's a Sunday morning, right? The kids are at the grandparents. They're going for a walk down the field, have a look at the cows and the bull. And your dad.

And your dad. He's having a shower. He's having a shower. But then after he's showered, he goes back to watch the rest of the match from the stand in his jorts jorts and dressing gown

like God intended and then you're never going to believe this much like this podcast it goes into extra time it's a cup game it goes into extra time right

ten men bear in mind they were losing 6-0 when he went off while he was having a shower the Claude 6 back with 10 men just to show how shit

your dad is in his head he's still in the match with football right by now he's late for work he comes out shocked he came back

actually shocked he's like 6-. He comes out shocked. He came back actually shocked. He's like, sex hall. And then in that extra time, he giveth oranges. He giveth oranges to his 10 imaginary teammates. And by the way, he was in nets from the beginning. Every corner he went up for was his. He didn't need to get up there. from the beginning. Every corner he went up for was his. He didn't need to head.

He didn't need to get up there. And he still put it out for a goal kick somehow. He's got a neck on him. I mean, Danny, you're missing the point. He was getting up for corners. In the fucking face.

I think he meant in his own box, corners were coming in. He was going, Kev's, and heading them out for goal kicks up at the other end. I mean, what's to say he was going, Kev's and heading them out for a goal kicks up at the other end I mean, what's to say he wasn't doing that

nothing surprises me in his imagination and by the way, it wasn't Kev, it was Martin it was your dad however my dad got the equaliser but he wasn't there in your dad's...

My dad was at work on time. In your dad's imagination, my dad got the equaliser while he was getting a shower. My dad's a cuckoo even in his own head. The farmers here knew. He's going to get... He's going to get he's got to get he's got to get shot

for trespassing just got sent off 6-0 his team are currently booting out the penalties and he's just been winged by the farmer alright if anybody's stuck by that tweet it's at in Joel Bommett

alright alright cunts bye