Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 39 Muggins is Cranky

Episode Date: March 13, 2017

As in the prophecy by Andrew "K2L" Stanley early in the Australia trip, Muggins' happiness is beginning to run out as he offloads a handful of his recent trivial gripes. Cream is still friendless, this time in Sydney and struggling to fill a pair of Muggins sized shoes. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

All the files from your phone. We're recording, you know. Yep. Muggins, muggins everywhere, not a drop of cream. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Sloss and Humphreys on the Road podcast, minus the sloss, because he's got no friends. This is Kai Humphreys carrying the podcast with my guest and co-host.

Co-host. Co-host. Co-host. Andrew Kissy Tulip Stanley. I apologise to any Daniel Sloss fans that are tuning in at the podcast. Actually, you're welcome to the majority of Muggins fans. The majority of Muggins fans. The majority of Muggins fans. The majority of Muggins fans.

The majority of Muggins fans. The majority are Muggins fans. That's what I was trying to say. He's so lazy. I feel like even if Sloss dies, you'll still call this the Sloss podcast. Yeah, I'll just see if his mom's got his Twitter password so I can get it out to a wider audience. Everybody knows his Twitter password. It's I'm amazing.

That's definitely Sloss's password. You think so? Yeah. I'm great. I'm number one. Do you think he's got really self-assured passwords? Of course he does. 100%.

The goat. And then like one in ten is like, I hope people like me. That's the one for his bank. That's his pin code for his card. Takes him ages to take cash out. That'd be his pin code for his card. Takes him ages to take cash out. How can that be his pin code for his card? Oh, like the numbers?

Yeah, yeah. Like an old text, yeah, yeah. Takes him ages. That's why he's so glad contactless is in. How are you? I'm good, man. I'm kind of good. I've been getting cranky lately.

You've been very cranky. Is it because I'm leaving? Is that why you're cranky? You leave today, don't you? I leave today, yeah, yeah. It's my last day in Oz. For two weeks. Just for two weeks.

Yeah, you're going to Glasgow, as you mentioned. Glasgow. And you're going to come back and join us in Melbourne. Yeah, because you mentioned on the podcast that I haven't got much long left of being happy. You've run out of happiness. I'm running out of happiness. I've been such a cantankerous little fuck the last couple of days. You have.

You have. And you're wearing odd socks. I'm not wearing odd socks socks I'm wearing one white sock and one black sock yeah that's first of all that's odd it's not like periodic socks

and secondly they're inside out as well and thirdly do you know how clothes work thirdly refer to the podcast three podcasts ago

no the last podcast where you get in the muggle corner for commenting on people's socks some of these I just baited you I'm commenting on the socks because they're literally in the muggle corner for coming in on people's socks. Yeah. So maybe I just baited you. I'm coming in on the socks because they're literally

in front of my face. Yeah, we're actually top and tail in bed right now. It's actually all I'm wearing. I've got one black card, you've got one white. Yeah, I'm just wearing Newcastle socks.

I couldn't find any in a shop in Adelaide so I just had to buy Tottenham socks and Tot Newcastle socks. I couldn't find any in a shop in Adelaide, so I just had to buy Tottenham socks. Tottenham away socks. And Tottenham away socks. What socks do you have? We've only got Spurs home and away.

I'll take one of each. Thank you. I'm out of here. Harry Kane for life. Dele Alli for the win. Anyway, yes, you're very cranky. So let's go through little things that will make me annoyed. First of all, I got paid on, right, this is the first thing, I got paid on. Oh my God, I thought you were going to punch down with us last night.

For Perth. Oh yeah. So I got paid for Perth. Let's explain what happens. So I have an Australian bank account and you don't. Yeah. So you've been getting some Australian money

and then I've been lodging into my bank account and transferring it back to the UK for you. Yeah. Yeah. It's a very simple process. It shouldn't be difficult at all.

So we've been doing cash mostly. Doing cash mostly, yeah. I think we've done two, three maybe. So then you got paid a chunk of change from Dan Willis and he put it into

my Australian bank account and then you sent me a text with the xe.com exchange rate going, what the fuck happened to £170? And I was like, are you accusing me of stealing money? I thought you were going to miscalculate because I didn't know if you'd sent mine and yours

all in the lump and you just misjudged how much of it was yours. So that was why I was like, dude, the exchange is wrong. But that was the exchange. The exchange annoyed us, but that's the type of thing that happens. That's life.

You're transferring with a bank. TheXE.com is always way more. What is fucking us off is that it's 2017. And fucking, it took like two days to get from his bank account to yours. And it still hasn't gotten from yours to mine. And I'm like, we got paid four days ago now. And I'm still waiting for it. But also the funny thing was then. It's just so annoying that like, I'm just like, we got paid four days ago now, and I'm still waiting for it. But also, the funny thing was then...

It's just so annoying that, like, I'm just saying, but everyone's being paid. How am I finding it so hard? But what was funny was last night was that Dan was like, you were saying, we were chatting about this, we were chatting about the exchange and everything, and, like, losing money or whatever, and then Dan goes, oh, yeah, that's why I just use PayPal, because they don't do any of those charges. And you were like, why didn't you just do that to my UK account?

Yeah, why didn't he and then he was like because you said you did it through Stanley's and I was like yeah because you said you couldn't like why

why would I just go oh forget transferring it direct to me why don't we just add an extra dimension to this it adds 40 hours the thing that I like more

when I'm waiting for money than other factors yeah so it's it's not even that I need it either it's just that it's so annoying like i've been

getting by off some of the cash i've got here yeah and you're giving hand jobs outside pjs yeah i would say it's bg risties for 50s that's what you call it pj o'brien's bj right you're saying just when i'm not giving bjs i'm bjs are pjs risties for 50. So I was just getting annoyed at the process of transaction there. There was another one where Gav, so the mortgage money comes out of my bank account, and I'd paid Gav the mortgage, and Gav just needed to transfer me the money. And then he was like, what's your bank details again?

And he already knew my bank details, so I just sent them again. And then he was like, oh, the bank's shut, I'll send it on Monday and I was like, oh that's totally fine but is it the 90s? Do you just want to send us a cheque? Didn't he say as well, at the bank's show I don't want to go through my bank account

I was like, calm down Pablo Escobar you're not being tagged So then after I just got all cranky because when he says I'll pay it on Monday I was like, is it the 90s, do you want to send a cheque? I went, it's fine, I'll says I'll pay it on Monday it was like is it the 90s do you want to send a check and I went it's fine I'll nudge you on Tuesday because everybody

that's like fucking seems to owe his money whether it be like people from the comedy festival people from back home they'll give us a date and then I'll remind them three days later

and I'll be constantly chasing I don't know what you're like so Gav then wired the money immediately he was like oh sorry dude just wired it because you

obviously you Marlene is your agent right so she would do a lot of follow follow-up payments and things like that right she would do that whereas i do it myself you know because obviously i don't use an agent so i'm like so i feel weird about it so is this weird right so say glee for example glee club right so you do a gig and then three weeks later it's always in the account within three weeks or a check goes one or the other I still get paid checks because I don't have

a UK account right so sometimes what will happen is it will go like three weeks and three days and then I'll mail them

and the check will arrive that day and I'll go if I just waited one more day I'm going to look dignified and you feel like a weirdo

but you're being paid for services it looks like you're being paid for services. It looks like you're going, because this is what makes me so upset about having to push for money. It looks like you're going, hey, dude, I want my bottle of dollar. Can I get paid? But when really all you're doing is like, I worked that four weeks ago, cunt. Like, you got paid on the door.

So that's what bothers us about it, is that you're made to look like a fucking scrounger for your own dollar. Exactly. What else has made you cranky? Come on, spill your beans. So then, this made us cranky. I was like, I totally snapped, and then I had to apologize. That was rude.

Oh, you got cranky last night as well at the gig. Oh, I'm getting to that. Oh, that's what it is. No, no. I'm getting to that next after this one. This is what made us cranky, right? You're such a little cranky, Pat. Let me get this off my chest so I can go back to being happy.

Hundreds and hundreds of years of happiness. That's the thing about the money thing, about having an agent who chases it for you so you don't have to do a lot of the chasing. You still have to do a bit of chasing to get it off your agent. Because what your agent wants to do is just to keep her admin to a minimum, is wait until she's got a bunch of your gigs paid. And then she'll pay you in a wanna and try and do it little and less often. Yeah.

Right? Or big amounts and less. Right, you know what I'm saying. So I'll just go, hey, I was just wondering, I haven't been paid for fucking six weeks for the these gigs that are done in leeds and brighton and she was like oh yeah i'm just waiting for the money off altitude and then i'll send it through and i'm like oh why don't you just wait for all of the work i ever do and then pay us when i die like why have you just let it stack and stack and stack you give it the gab give it the gab you can write a check you know i've run like a couple of gigs a punch trunk in set list

I know I'm not running set list but I'm the front of house and the show manager and every gig that I run I'm handing people cash when they get paid

so I'm just saying a little bit of fucking balance wouldn't go amiss number two that made me cranky right is wonderfully

so I was living with Dan Willis and Kerry Marks and Dan Willis his wife and daughter tip up right wonderfully for him

right on his birthday and it's just nice to have a kid running around the house it's been a lovely couple of days

but the other day I come in and the kitchen's immaculate right but I keep it tidy anyway but like

Dan will come in drunk every night and and and and and

and and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and and

and and and and and and and and and and With his 970 cans of Coke. Yeah, he does, doesn't he? I mean, I drink a lot of Pepsi Max or Diet Coke, but my Jesus. It's like a fucking storeroom. It's like there's been, I think, a lorry tipped. Didn't I count it the other day? There was 40 cans of Diet Coke and, like, eight bottles. Eight two-litre bottles. I was like, that's a lot.

Ridiculous. It was the back of a lorry. It wasn't even a party for AA. Crash lorry. That's why they keep fizzing up in his face. AA party. that's why they keep fizzing up in his face so

I noticed that his little station that was a bit of a clip it was immaculate now right and I was like that's because his wife's touch

she's done the thing after right so then I'm I'm sat where Nick Cody and Luke Hagee at the Ashes gig in the afternoon and Erin come up

and she was just so like smile me about i tidied up after you i bet you didn't notice but i tidied up the kitchen after you and i bet you've just made a mess again and left it and i was just like fucking excuse me i because i live with two other people and i've been cooking and using top of my way and everything like that right i'll wash them sometimes before i've even ate my food yeah i'll wash the shit i wash as i go yeah i'm all about washing as you go yeah so she come along like that and, yeah. I'm all about washing as you go, yeah. So she'd come along like that, and I'm just like, I've been washing as I go, so I stopped

her about that. And then what had really annoyed us about our tidy up, right, is that when I empty the dishwasher or whatever, right, I'll always put my Tupperwares, which I use every day. I fucking, you know what I'm like when we Tupperware, I'm having seven meals a day and I'm all in Tupperware. Because of the plastic, they never dry in the dishwasher, right? So I put them in the fucking drainer on the top

and they always go from my bag to the dishwasher to the drainer to being used and I've got this cycle going, right? I mean, you don't sound psycho at all right now.

No. I think this is why you get cranky, right? It's because I've never been goal-driven before. You've never been in a routine like this. Nobody has ever been an obstacle because you can't be an obstacle when you're just floating around like a butterfly. Yeah. Like a never been in a routine like this. Nobody has ever been an obstacle. Yeah. Because you can't be an obstacle

when you're just floating around like a butterfly. Yeah. Like a sexy butterfly. Stinging like a bee. Making that sweet honey. I'm floating around like a butterfly. So fucking,

so I'm in the house, right, going, oh nice, like finally someone's tidied up Dan's crumbs, right? But then, spent the next fucking ages just hunting a run for me Tupperware

and eventually found it in the cupboard with a cleaning product oh my god it was just in the cupboard makes no sense

so there's like a drawer full of Tupperware which is a Tupperware drawer in my opinion Tupperware drawer that's where it

goes so when she had that so she'd come along and done the whole I've tidied up It's a Tupperware drawer, in my opinion. It's a Tupperware drawer. That's where it goes. So when she had that, so she'd come along and done the whole, like, I've tidied up after you, I bet you've made a mess. I was just like, fuck that,

I've tidied up after meself. Like, you've just come and rescued my life. Yeah, yeah, I literally wasn't in it. It wasn't hoarders. So then she fucking walks away, and then I turned into a fucking cantankerous little... Cranky guy. Crantankerous. crank-tankerous um

kytankerous turned to Cody and Luke and I was just like aye she didn't just tidy up she just fucking went and hit all me gear hit me top of my head

but we just let the fucking judge out right but oh man she heard us and she come back she heard you

like when Nick and Luke had gone she was like I'm sorry if you couldn't find your top of my head oh no now I'm the twat oh you're such an idiot

now she's she's recording a podcast right now going I was just trying to help out I didn't even mean to put stuff away it just was a little bit of a mess

I think that happens like Mick Nevin moved into a flat in Perth for a couple of days and he just because he wanted to make sure he was like not in anyone's way

like tidies up but then like you just end up moving your shit around and you're like well and if you say it to him you look like a psycho yeah could you not tidy your shit up please it was um it was uh um carrie was just like um you know me shaving towel how come it ended up on the side of the sink and now it's just in the bathtub and he was like i don't know dolly must have been playing it and he was like well dolly couldn't have got it because

it was hung over the the top of the the thing and he was like, Dolly must have been playing it. And he was like, well, Dolly couldn't have got it because it was hung over the top of the thing. And he was like, oh, Aaron must have used it to wash Dolly. And he was like, so you're trying to say that you used my face towel to wipe your daughter's bum? Oh, God. And then Dan was just like, I put my hand up funny. Oh, God. He just went, fuck it, I'm not going to defend it.

Thank God he threw it in the back then. I said to Kerry, you should have went, hey, you know what? was just like a bum on a fanny oh god he just went fucking i'm not gonna defend it yeah thank god he threw it in the back then let's just bring it back up i said to carrie you should have went hey you know where my arse towel's gone and he would have gone i use it to shave my daughter's face hey um you've got no idea where i've put my spaff rag day yeah you don't know where my jizz bucket is yeah i've just been kind of like this because like, so the first one is just chasing money. The second one

is just a slight disruption to your routine. That's not that person's fault. They've come along. They're more than welcome in that home and they are

trying their best to... They don't even know they're doing it. They don't like, not even don't know they're doing it but they are doing a favour to me

by keeping the place tidy. Yeah, they're actually trying to, they're trying to do something nice but accidentally ruining your fucking life. Yeah, they're actually trying to, they're trying to do something nice. Yeah. But accidentally ruining your fucking life.

Yeah, there's me just like stamping my foot and talking loudly near her, so she has to apologise. She's been so lovely. So I've been a cunt.

So go on, what happened last night? So we're in the green room and I was just, I just finished set list. Oh, I didn't even know this one. This is a new one then.

Oh, so there's another one. I'm talking about the one with Rory. Okay, okay. We'll add that one as well then. So there's going to be four. What day? Enjoy this.

So fucking after Set List. You should watch. I've got a friend who's doing a show. You should watch it. It's called How To Be Happy. It's available at tyhumphries.com forward slash shop. Download for $5. You should watch that to make yourself cheer up.

I'm probably going to be pissed off at how happy I am. So this happened, right? We're in a green room with Bev Killick, Kerry Marks, Steve Hughes is there. It's a fucking nice green room. And there's this dude who seems like a nice guy. Who is it? He's got big hair. He plays the piano.

Wears a big gold suit. I mean, if you don't get him off that description you never will so uh we're just like chatting away and i wasn't really engaging too much in the conversation because i was sending some emails i was just using the time because i was waiting for carrie to share a taxi back yeah i was up past my bedtime yeah i was sober i'm just doing some things and then just out the blue this this dude went up he was like I can understand what most people say but you talk quite fast and you've got a strong accent

I can't understand what you're saying and I was like and then he just went one dude I'm not fucking talking to you I'm not talking at all I'm actually sending emails

yeah I'm sending emails I'm not talking to you but two this is mostly you you know that and this is the one I raised with him I didn't say one I wasn't talking to you. But two, this is mostly you, you know that, and this is the one I raised with him, right? I didn't say one,

I wasn't talking to you because that would be rude. This is probably also rude, but valid. Well, it's okay now because Kai Ranky, man, is in town. I went,

it's mostly you because I'm not going to... Who is this? I actually don't know who this is. He's a comedian. He must do some stuff at the Rhino Room.

He was on at the late show the other night. Fucking top dude, nice dude. But he just hit a nerve with us when he was like, I can't understand what you say. Because my thing is, it's mostly you. I've got an accent that I'm not going to lose just for your benefit. I'm not going to start speaking the Queen's English the whole time

just so you can fucking tune your ears in. Actually, I understood you much better there. Oh, good, good. I wish he was here. tune your ears in. Actually, I understood you much better there. Oh,

good, good. I wish he was here. So, I was like, there's just like a little bit of tuning in that you've got to do

as with any accent. Yeah. As with any accent, you've just got to go, like if I hear a Kiwi in New Zealand say dick when they're talking

about their garden, I know they mean, when they say dick instead of deck. Yeah. I know that when you hear dick, they don't mean cock.

No. They mean deck, right? And just like when Eddie Alvarez was going on it, Conor McGregor going, I don't know what he's saying. He's saying turd instead of third. You're like, then you do know. You're like, oh, so you do know. But two, in the context, why would he mean turd?

He clearly means third. And you know he means third. You're just like putting up this resistance. Like you said turd, he must mean turd? He clearly means third. And you know he means third. You're just putting up this resistance. You said turd, he must mean turd. I don't know what he's saying. Just go, oh, right, they drop the H, so that's an easy patch for my brain to make. Yeah, it's not like you said lump when you meant to say milk. Yeah, exactly.

And even in the context of I'm going to put some lump on my cereal, you're probably going, oh, lump ones mean milk where he's from. So I was like, you've got to meet me halfway, dude. I'm'm going to put some lump on my cereal probably going oh lump wants me milk where he's from so I was like you've got to meet me halfway dude I'm not going to lose my accent completely but you've got to tune in

and then I was like it's proven that my accent works in this country because laughter is undeniable if you're saying stuff and people are laughing they heard it

yeah it's not all rhythm it's not like that it's not like they're filling in a form saying yes I know whether they heard it they it's a knee jerk reaction to what you say

so also if you're a very successful comedian you've met loads of people you've heard loads of accents your accent is not the strongest one

I've ever heard you know what I mean there's definitely Scottish accents that are stronger than yours over at this festival right now it's not so much the accent

it's like you say the use of words like saying I dinna ken in Scottish you have to know that means I don't know or I divin na in Geordie but if I say I don't know it's still whether I've got an accent or not it's still the words. So I just mentioned to him that if you can't hear if you can't understand my accent it's down to him it ain't me right and then he just went oh sorry

I've only got the use of one ear and I went well use that one yeah well then then you shouldn't understand anybody's accent so that made us

unnecessarily cranky and then well yeah I said there's two things with Rory Law that got us like but there's two things with Rory Law. There's two? Yeah, we'll do this as 4.1 and 4.2. So are you talking about the one where...

The cakewood, yeah. So I'm doing a gig last night on there. So PJ O'Brien's is like an enclosed balcony. So you're like outdoors but indoors. It's like you're on a balcony but it's got a roof. It's got high barriers. It's like a smoking area. So it's like a smoking area. You feel like you're a roof it's got high barriers it's like a smoking area it's like a smoking area

you feel like you're outdoors but it's got the enclosed space feeling of indoors it's like a room with lots of open windows I think they've got it I'm starting to not understand your accent again

I'm doing the gig there and I'm like fucking getting on to my last routine before I hit my time and it's like quite a tight schedule you can't overrun it

yeah it's 4x2 and 10x12s yeah you can't really be like. Yeah, it's four acts doing 10, 12s. Yeah, you can't really be like they're doing more than you a lot of the time. So fucking, I'm on a balcony that's mostly full. Apart from to the far left, there's a bit of space where it would be a few extra seats in or some standing area if it was completely rammed. Yeah. Right.

And I see like a commotion going on there as I'm doing my last routine to the point that everybody like stretches their neck to see what the commotion going on there as i'm doing my last routine to the point that everybody like stretches their neck to see what the commotion is and from stage and from the audience's point of view it looked like a fight was breaking out it seemed like a fight but when i looked up i saw your check shirt and i was like oh it's just the comics so my instant thing would be to commentate on what was happening find out what's going on settle it and then get back to me jokes because i didn't want to look like the dick going hey other comedians who's the other comedians making a noise yeah comedians you shouldn't be comedian when i'm when i'm comedianing you just get all fucking pissy with you for making a noise i just fucking raise my eyebrows and kind of like go on they're just being dicks and then carry on with

my um my routine but the momentum was all gone and i kind of just fizzled out we said and you're yeah and you're already in the final section. I was in the final section which relied on a bit of a callback to something I said earlier which got me to this head. So from what was, in all purposes, a great gig,

just ended up on just a bit of a meh at the end. Whereas I would normally have just put another routine on the end. I couldn't do that because I was getting to the clock so I just had to go, oh well,

that's my big closer. And then when I come off it was Rory. Yeah, because he said it to me you were like what the fuck was that fuck that dude so what happened was he came in he was hammered uh like eight in the day eight thirty i suppose nine whatever uh he came in and so we'd gotten you'd gotten a birthday cake for dan willis yeah um and uh alice one of the bar girls there had, she'd had a slice on her plate and she went inside so I picked up her plate as if like,

oh, I'm going to eat this. You know? But then when Rory walked in, he thought it was my cake so he just grabbed it in his fist and mushed it in his hand and then tried to put his hand all over my shirt

and I was like, I have two more gigs to do. You absolute asshole. What are you... So I was trying to hold... I was like stopping him. You know what else is fucked about this? This wasn't no supermarket cake.

No. This is one that got specially made, like fucking gourmet. Yeah, yeah. This was like a 60. Patisserie? Cakery? Brasserie? Boulangerie.

Boulangerie. Like a $60 cake or something like that. And he properly then, like it was about 30 seconds I had to like hold him as he was trying to ram it onto my face and all of my shirt. Yeah. And I was like, this is not how I want my last night to go so I come off and you said that and he was about to get called on stage he was on then yeah he was on just before he got called on stage

he was like what date am I doing set list and this I'm going to say is no exaggeration the 10th day in a row that he's asked me when he's doing set list and for the 10th day in a row I told him I'm not fucking booking it

I book it in Edinburgh but I don't book it here I've been show managing it I've been hosting it I haven't got the booking sheet and I'm just I fucking grabbed him

by both sides of the head and I went honestly mate don't make us fucking tell you again I'm not booking set list I just fucking grabbed him by the face

hopefully that'll get it through nice enough kid as well yeah he's sound enough he's just a little bit he was hammered last night as well he was hammered he was just being drunk

and I'm just the sober guy yeah yeah you're completely sober and he was out of his bracket yeah he's just having a great festival he's having a great festival he's having a fucking good time doesn't care

he was DJing to producers last night yeah you'll never play Celtic I'll tell you that you'll never play a cellist i'll tell you that you'll never get any more cake yeah he will he'll be good at it but you know the worst thing about it was well not the worst thing but like when he grabbed the cake i put the plate down and then he didn't like he went into i went in to like wash my hands or whatever and like when i came out

alice was about to eat the cake and i was like no no i'll get you another slice let's be on the floor she was like oh we hadn't even been on the floor he just smushed it and put it back on the plate so it would have been his hands but it was like it was a chocolate cake I mean God knows where they've been itching his bum bad dirt

you can hardly tell what's cake and what's poo after Rory's hands been on it oh my god absolutely I'm glad I got that off my chest Dr Phil you feeling better now

yeah I feel great. Dr. Phil, how did that make you feel? I feel absolutely liberated now. Finally. Have you got anything you want to get off your chest? No, I'm very happy. You're doing what? Because you're leaving Australia to go to Glasgow?

Because I'm leaving Australia to go to Glasgow. Get a nice bit of wind chill. Get some use out of my winter coat. So are you just going to be in Glasgow for the full two weeks? No. So I fly home today. I land tomorrow morning,

Tuesday morning. And I'm in Glasgow Wednesday and Friday. I'm in Edinburgh Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Ah, sweet. So you're going to hang around with Gareth Waugh? Yeah. I'll be with,

well, Waugh's doing my show with me Wednesday. Gareth Waugh and Mark Nelson are both doing my show. They're opening for me. And then drawing the show. Have you seen, because I went, just to cover that as well,

drawing a show means that when he's doing a show and a lot of it's improvised. All of it. He always has an artist who isn't especially an artist. Yeah. It's just someone that could maybe... It's more important that they're a comic.

And they draw a kind of road map of your gig using illustrations. They do minutes through illustrations. It's way more fun. Do you put that online so that people can go on your website? Yeah, I'm going to start to. And then in Edinburgh this year I'm going to have a separate Twitter account for us.

And I'll have a hashtag like road comedian. separate Twitter account for us and I have hashtag like road comedian so we got this

one brought to mind Gareth Wall we mentioned Gareth Wall someone created an Instagram of Muggins and

Cream and it's just pictures of me and Daniel and it's like a fanboy fangirl type account

with heart emojis in the... I'm going to look at this right now as you tell me. Go on. Yeah, and I just instantly thought it was Gareth Waugh. You think so? I think it's just a listener, so thank you whoever's done it.

A bit creepy, a bit weird, a bit muggly. What's it got, muggins and cream? It made me laugh. What made me laugh the most about it is that it comes up as... They've done that tile thing, you know, where you post nine pictures in a row and it makes one big picture on your feed yeah have you seen that you're gonna see in a minute it's called like nine yeah it's nine nine of the best or

something like that nine the best it's an app that they've taken a photo of me from me 2013 poster where i'm butt naked apart from a disco ball i'm just wearing a disco ball on me cock and they posted nine pictures of that, so it makes the full picture. Oh, yeah. But it comes up on your feed. It's just like various body parts of me. Like, oh, there's an arm, there's a neck. It's kind of together.

Ah, it's distorted on your phone. Yeah, yeah. Weird. You need to update it out, maybe. So anyway, check, what's the Instagram handle called? Muggins and Cream. Muggins and Cream. But the photos they've put on aren't like photos

that we've posted on Facebook. They're like obscure photos sometimes that have been put on Twitter. So I guess they went through the media on Twitter. It's me and Natalie. What have you and Natalie

from five hours ago? One of you wearing a suit. Were you in court that day? Hey-o! That's so weird. Nick Cody gets a mention? Oh, there's Cody. Yes,

so go check it out. But they went through and like there was one picture where it's just me on a train that I couldn't even remember being taken

and it's just the one that I like you know when because I wouldn't post a picture of myself on a train just as a

as a like hey this is what I'm doing now but it was in a conversation like I'm on my way what so like you know

when you're tweeting someone yeah but I mean so you would go like at Andrew Stanley I'm on my way to Brighton he has to serve me on the train

just fucking looking happy with a seeing me out the window so they've took it off there so these are just really random pictures so they're just pulling

random pictures that you forget how you've done on the internet and so like who do you actually do you think we should try and find out

who it is I think I know who it is there's a there's a there's a Twitter Twitterer called Hannah Loft

so shout out to Hannah Loft because she she tweets quite a bit just about the podcast and she's enjoying it and then it seems to be written in the same vibe

as the shit on her Twitter bio okay she's just got a little Hannah Loftus or Hannah Loft I don't know

Loftus is it I don't know anyway thatus is it I don't know anyway that's cool I think it's good and on top of that uh oh this is the next level shit

so we've got the Instagram handle made but fucking super shout out to the biggest muggle of them all the fucking queen bee of muggles Rich Massara

yeah has made a website an actual website called Mugglepedia oh I saw that so people can actually muggle actual website called Mugglepedia. Oh, I saw that. So people can actually muggle it up on Mugglepedia. It's so good. And it's got a Twitter handle, which is Mugglepedia.

Yeah. And he's put in every single muggle thing that's been cited, confirmed, denied, who confirmed it, who denied it. If there's been a stipulation added, he's got the stipulation in brackets. Amazing. With the person who added it in brackets. And do you know he had your, when you put the person who added it in brackets. And you know, when you put the Muggle Corner stuff in,

you had you as Stanley and someone commented on the post of it on Facebook saying, oh, why is it down as Stanley and not Kissy Tulips?

And Richard Massaro went back and edited every foot of Kissy Tulips because of Kissgate 2017. Muggleopedia, how do you spell it? I'm going to look it up now. M-U-G-L-I-P

drop the E from Muggle. M-U-G-L-I-P. Drop the A from Muggle. Yeah. M-U-G-G-L-A. Not without the A. Muggleopedia. Appedia. Or Appedia.

Appedia. Appedia. Muggle Corner. Oh, it's at Muggle Corner. At Muggle Corner. Yeah, but the website. Yeah. Oh, no. I haven't even seen the website yet.

It's amazing. Speaking of Muggles, right, let's do some Muggles now. Let's do some Muggles. Because we're always going too late and overrun or end up dropping some. So before we go

into Muggle Corner, and I mean, people are confused now if this is the first time listening to me talking about Mugglepedia. Let's get everyone up to speed.

It's on you. You're the guest. So Q for the Airplane, actually, I'm just looking here on the website. Q for the Airplane was the first ever

Muggle Corner. Was that the first ever one? First ever one. And it really is. And that was the one I said in the first episode as well ah so that was

yeah because when I said there's a repeat here yeah yeah so queuing for the aeroplane Sam Wilson who was on the podcast the band of Sam who was on the podcast

a few episodes ago he actually gave me an insight of why people do that or why you would do that go on he goes on the flight so he's got all his

sound technician equipment yeah being a fucking musician yeah and he says like sometimes I've got like five grand's worth of gear in my bag

yeah okay in my hand luggage I'll agree with that as a stipulation and he's like I want it nearby but I don't look at that queue and think

there's a bunch of people with five grand's worth exactly yeah it's a seven euro Ryanair flight stop it so he must get even more pissed off by the Muggles in the queue. Yeah, yeah.

So that must annoy him even more. By the fact that he needs to queue and everybody else that doesn't need to queue is also queuing. Yeah. So Muggles. Muggles. In Harry Potter's world, Muggles are people that lack magic. In our world, Muggles are people who lack magic.

You know, if you lack that spark of creativity, of uniqueness, of individuality, and you just join the herd, and you just go along with what's cool, and what's a fad, and what's in, and you've got fucking quotes like, dance like no one's watching is your mantra. If you fucking wear T-shirts with slogans on

that you think are funny, but they just make you look like a muggle, then you're a muggle. And every week we put three each in the muggle corner, we debate, then we confirm or deny whether that makes like a muggle then you're a muggle and every week we put three each in the muggle corner we debate then we confirm or deny

whether that makes you a muggle and hey if we I think we've been very much on form recently as well yeah and everything's been a lot of confirmations

going straight in a couple of stipulations here and there we're going to get everybody and we're getting ourselves everybody gets caught being muggle eating from time to time

here we go do you want me to go first yes okay here we go muggly from time to time here we go do you want me to go first okay here we go muggles wear bike helmets even when they're not on their bike hey are you just trying to put me in the corner for this one straight in the corner look i like to i like to text while i walk all right straight in the corner i like that corner i don't be you don't even have to be careful in there

because if you hit your head you've got your helmet on I can't get right in the corner I can get in the other corner I'm kept out by an inch or two but sometimes when you're carrying your things

it just rests so neatly on your head no no not at all there's no excuse but I do still and sometimes

I'll go oh I've got my bike helmet on and I've got my headphones and anything because I like to put them on anything then clip the chin strap because it keeps them in right And sometimes I'll go, oh, I've got my bike helmet on and I've got my headphones and anything because I like to put them on anything and then clip the chin strap because it keeps them in. And then I go to unlock my bike and I'm like, oh, I've left my bottle upstairs. What am I going to take my helmet off? Or am I just going to strut through the bar to all the people who are having a good night

out on a Saturday at like 12 midnight and just strut through the bar with my cycle helmet on and up the stairs. Like an absolute psycho. I don't give a fuck. Muggle. I'm not even strut through the bar. We take a little bit on and off the stairs. Like an absolute psycho. I don't give a fuck. Muggle. I'm not even going upstairs to the bar. I'm going up to get in the corner. I don't even look.

I look, bro, my special. I don't fucking well interview you. Is it true you only have a bike helmet to keep your headphones in? You know what the worst thing is as well? I wear it all the time. I've never used it yet. What a waste of money. What? I've never used my bike the time I've never used it yet what a waste of money what I've never used

my bike helmet I've had it on what a waste such a waste yeah like I want to come off at least once on my trip run into the wall just go oh

thank god I spent $50 on that yeah yeah maybe you're just really prepped that's what it is you're just nervous about walking

wear knee pads as well wrist guards don't even give blowjobs or wristies that's what give blowjobs or wristies that's when you're doing your wristies for 50s do you want to know a little fact about me

go ahead I used to wear wrist pads for rollerblading oh my god for mainline skates there's 11 things wrong with that sentence luminous green wheels

luminous green wheels I never wore a helmet you're not a loser not a muggle not a muggle there Not a muggle. There you go. Straight in the corner. Boom.

Shots fired. All right. I'll stand in the corner for that. Go ahead. I hope I'm not alone. I hope there's other people out there that have fucking already got... They're listening to the podcast on the community work, right? How far are we into the podcast?

We are 33 minutes. You've got a 30-minute cycle to work. So you press play on the podcast. Your headphones are kept Nicely by your chin strap You cycle there You're just having a nice time You get off your bike

You lock it You grab your fucking Lunchbox Lunchbox And your bag And your carrier bag That's been hanging off The handlebars

Right And you're walking Towards the office Right now And then we just Put you in the corner For having a muggle hat on And then I hope

I hope they actually Walk into the corner I hope right now They're walking Mate Walk into the corner With. And then I hope they actually walk into the corner. I hope right now they're walking toward... Mate, walk into the corner with your eyes closed. I hope they walk... You've never been safer in the corner. Alright, my nomination for Muggle Corner

is anybody who hears where you're from and does the generic impression. Hears you're from Newcastle and says, where I'm from. Hears you're from Ireland and says, eat diddly diddly potatoes straight in

top of the morning that's the one I always get top of the morning put wood and thaw oh he's from Yorkshire

put wood and thaw oh he's from Australia put another shrimp on the barbie fuck every one

of those muggle cons straight in it happens so much on stage I don't know if it happens to you but when I come

on I get potato in England someone because it's from what's that show what's it fucking Keith Mellon on stage when I I don't know if it happens to you but when I come on I get potato in England someone in the because it's from what's that show that what's this

fucking Keith Mellon yeah the Keith Lemon one yeah and it's when he started that I literally will walk on stage and it'll

happen one every 10 gigs I'd say in the UK anybody that fucking this is a separate muggle corner but we could just put a bonus one in yeah but anybody that quotes Keith Lemon anyone that fucking This is a separate Muggle Corner But we could just put a bonus one in

But anybody that quotes Keith Lemon Anyone that fucking starts Blusting fucking Craig David What was the last one with Craig David? Avid Marion? Yeah, Craig David, yeah, yeah Did he just shout Craig David? Yeah, Craig David

That's what it was If that tickles your fucking pickle If that tickles your pickle pickle, if that tickles your pickle, you've got a muggle core. Yeah, you're listening to me. You've got a muggle core. If you think by reciting that thing that made you laugh

is going to make other people laugh, it just makes them squirm. Tickly, tickly. Straight in. Straight in. But yeah, if you do, because I get it where, I've even got to the point where if someone says

way I man I'll sarcastically go oh god I thought I was home for a second oh thanks for thanks for bringing us to Newcastle for a brief moment

for a brief moment thanks for making me introduce me to Ant & Dec straight away the worst thing is in Newcastle as well I'm sure Irish people don't say

tiddly dee potatoes but in Newcastle people don't actually say way I man we'll say way I it comes from. Well, say way-eye. It comes from... They'll say man after a lot of things.

It comes from biker. Biker Grove. That's where people get it from. Way-eye, man? Yeah, yeah. And I think maybe because it got so used, it got flushed out.

Yeah. And people are conscious not to say way-eye, man, now. Yeah, yeah. But I can't say I've ever heard a Geordie say way-eye, man. We do say top of the morning

in Ireland. Top of the morning. No matter what time of day it is. It's actually a prayer before dinner aye man. We do say top of the morning in Ireland. Top of the morning. No matter what time of day it is. It's actually a prayer before dinner. You know what we say? Top of the morning. Top of the morning to our Lord in heaven. Good morning.

Have a nice breakfast. Morning, Jay. Jay, dog. We say way no way more than we say way aye man. What is it? Way no? Way no. Which would be why not?

Well, no. Well, no. Well, no. Way no. where I'm on why no what is that why no why no which would be why not well no well no well no why no but it would be like in shock where you're getting like

did you hear I got beaten 9-0 off Sloss on FIFA I'm like why no I did hear about that

you had to do a Facebook post it wasn't if it was beyond Facebook I had to send him

a moon pig I sent him a moon pig right so it was a Facebook apology I don't know if it was 9-0 or 8-0 whatever the apology rule is for sending a moon pig card sent him a moon pig right so it was a Facebook apology I don't know if it was

9-0 or 8-0 whatever the apology rule is for sending a moon pig card it was that if you don't know what the apology rules are it's like what if you get beat 4-0

if you get beaten by 5 goals or more yeah you have to make a Facebook apology there's one of them like if Gary Neville scores past you you have to go to bed yeah

what's Gary Neville I don't know the exact one that would have been a while ago if it was so there's loads of different rules where you have exact one that would have been a while ago if it was so there's loads of different rules where you have but one of them

is a moon pick apology card so I lost absolutely fucking tanked as on FIFA and I sent him an apology card but way

back I had a bit of a health scare I had the bloodiest shit known to man oh god it was a blood bath but it turned out I

just need to cut my fingernails I was fine I just sent a moon pig apology card with a picture on my bloody poo that's so horrific

it's really bad but em what's the Scottish way och aye the noo och aye the noo tossing the caber. Like anything like that.

If you just have the compulsion to blurt that noise towards someone from that place. Yep. What would you say to someone from Liverpool? Do we actually do that from Liverpool? No, from Liverpool it would be... Calm down, calm down. I want to look like Gerard he's got the look

I want six McChicken nuggets and a crunchy McFlurry I smash the gig Is that Adam Rowe? This guy's comic Adam Rowe Good guy

So that's straight in the corner straight in straight in definitely alright here we go muggles don't like folding the corners of pages on books you know people are like no don't fold it

I don't want to fold the corner yeah oh sorry you want to save posterity you know what sorry do you own two libraries what are you talking about? Fold the fucking page.

I've got this really thing about, like, I'll throw my books around, I'll bend the spine, I'll fold the corners, and even ones that have had... Well, that's because yours are audiobooks. My phone's fucked. Your Kindle's wrecked. Do you want to listen to it? Your Kindle's a bitch. I'm just fucking batting my Kindle's wrecked your Kindle's a bitch I've fucking batted

my Kindle all over I've folded the corner of my Kindle I've broken the spine of my Kindle so even ones that like mean a lot it was that I want

to keep forever by the mean a lot it was I mean someone's like gift that wasn't wrote in the spine yeah yeah not wrote in the spine

that would be weird in the cover in the inside cover they're one of my favourite gifts by the way is if someone buys a book that Yeah, yeah. Not wrote in the spine, that would be weird. In the cover. In the inside cover. They're one of my favourite gifts, by the way, is if someone buys a book that they've read and think I like,

and they write something in the thing. Love that. But that doesn't make us go, I want to keep this pristine. Yeah. I think there's something really charming about a book

that looks like it's been read. Exactly. Yeah, a bit battered, notes on the side, things like that. Yeah. It's a ridiculous thing. It's like, what are you going to do? You that looks like it's been read. Exactly. Yeah, a bit battered, notes on the side, things like that. Yeah. It's a ridiculous thing. It's like,

what are you going to do? You're making sure it's in good condition for when you resell it? Yeah. You want to get down to the charity shop? However,

Natalie's dad, well, this gets him in the muggle corner, whether this acts as a stipulation, but he's got a room in his house that's pretty much a library, right, and he's got all these books

from the same kind of, I wish I knew what they were called, but you know when they're in the binders and they go in the box? Yeah. So you'll have everything from Sherlock Holmes, Agatha Christie,

like fucking... I know what you're talking about, yeah, the old school books. They're all in the same style. They're Penguin Classics. Is that what they are? Yeah, I think so, yeah, yeah. And they come in like a little box.

Yeah, so that's fair enough because that's a collection. So that's different. He's got his collection in there. He's like, oh, feel free to read any of the books. He lets us know that you're allowed to touch them. Yeah, yeah like feel free to read any of the books he lets us know that you're allowed

to touch them feel free to read any of them but I don't want any of them to leave the room if that's alright but that's fair enough

that's like collecting old vinyl and not playing the vinyl you know what I mean because you don't want to scratch them or whatever that's fine

but this is like I'm talking about just normal books like the latest John Grisham don't fold that down don't fold that down I don't want to ruin it

there's not many copies of Da Vinci Code kicking around. I'll look after this one. You know, it's funny. I literally picked up the Da Vinci Code an hour ago to read on my fly home. Because I've never read it. That was weird. Really? Swear to God.

I like it. I like his books, Dan Brown books. They're all right. And people get snobby about them. I'm reading the Christopher Brookman at the minute. I'm reading It's All Fun and Games Until Someone Loses an Eye. What was that one? I'm reading the Christopher Brutemeyer at the minute I'm reading it's all fun and games until someone loses

an eye I'm trying to date it though when you're reading a book and you don't know when it was published

I was trying to date it I was like when is this set I mentioned Henrik Larsson in Celtic

but I couldn't remember if they mentioned past tense but when was Larsson playing at Celtic Larsson was like mid 90s yeah I think it might be a 90s book but I didn't realise playing at Celtic Larson was like

mid 90s yeah I think it might be a 90s book but I didn't realise I'll check it out

what was that one there's been mobile phones since 94 95 I think I hate that

when you don't know the age of a book and you're trying to use the words in it the background

of it yeah what was the book we both of us read you recommended it to me

Ready Player One oh it's so good fantastic book we remember the book both of us read you recommended it to me actually Ready Player One oh it's so good fantastic book really really good Ernest Cline yeah yeah amazing book really really good

it's set in the future but it's about the 80s yeah yeah exactly it's all computer games really cool really good book take this recommendation down if you listen

to the podcast you like reading books Ernest Cline Ready Player One Ready Player One and everybody I've recommended it to do right is love that book

whether it be like Sloss's mom loves it and then racist well no i'm just saying like generation wise no but then uh like younger people like uh have loved it uh joward christmas got on it with he fucking that's great really really good book um so anyway pages folding in the corner get in there i think so i think if you don't fold the corner of your pages, then you don't go in the corner. Some people are quite obsessive about stuff. I think I'm going to make some exceptions with comic books, I feel like. Yeah, look, if there's stuff like graphic novels,

things like that, that's fine. Yeah, if it's not going in your collection. Yeah. But yeah, I've got a bunch of books that are quite bad because you travel around, they're in and out your bag, and you look at them, they're all over the shop. And I think they look much better than they do. Way better.

That's the way they should be. They're there to be read. Yeah. There you go. Yeah. Get in the corner. You corner, non-corner, folding corner cunts. I've got here.

Football fans that get aggressive. If the players get insulted by a rival fan or whatever like they get like they get affronted by like if someone

goes you're Liverpool right yeah if I just go oh Stig and Bjorn be shit what

that's such a niche the finest left back to ever play what are you talking about yeah but if you got like is he fuck yeah yeah the minute you go oh I but if you got like is he fuck yeah the minute you

go oh I have to defend him like he's called my child fat yeah yeah I know what you mean because some people get

like so now you're talking about if they insult him for no like not insulting his football but

insulting just is an insult whether it's about his football whether it's about anything but they feel like

they've got to defend him like it's family yeah yeah and I'm not about like even slagging off your team if you get that but if you go

well that's your prerogative you can dislike my team if you want I couldn't get angry about that I see that people do but when people if people get like they have to defend

the honour of one of their heroes yeah yeah I remember I was out watching a Liverpool Arsenal game god this is years ago this is like

probably I want to say 2002 maybe, so 15 years ago. We were in a pub, me and my mate Derek. It was like an early morning game. And it was when Liverpool and Arsenal were kind of, they had loads of those cup finals and everything over a certain period of time. So there was like six games between them every season. And somebody went down.

I think an Arsenal player, Henri I think it might have been, went down I think I think an Arsenal player my Henri I think it might have been went down in the box and he very clearly dived right and won a peno right or won a peno free or

something like that and there was like me and Derek and we were in this bar it wasn't like it was a bit of a rough bar and so we're all it was all messing like you're screaming about

you're screaming at Arsenal fans they're screaming and then when they showed the replay Henri had very clearly dived. I was like, you see, fucking diving bastards.

You're cheating Arsenal, fucking... Some guy goes, I'm not a fucking cheat. And I was like, I didn't, I'm not, we're just joking.

And Derek was like, we have to go. We literally have to leave the pub. He started going, I'm not a cheating fucker. And I was like, oh no you're not. This is not what you're talking about.

The level of ego to make that about you personally as an individual it was amazing I think it was it was Stefan Honcho had tackled Henri and Henri had gone down

you know what though I feel like I'm missing out on a level of enjoyment with football by not getting that emotionally invested in it people seem to enjoy it a lot more

when they're not invested like this is one of the fucking finest bits of fan action I've ever seen watching the Newcastle Sunderland Derby

last season in the relegation battle for us it was 1-1 that game wasn't it can you remember Mitrovic

got knocked out and he was unconscious in the box and Rafa subbed him off while he was unconscious but when he came round

he didn't realise he'd been subbed off he was trying to get back on the pitch he was a little bit dazed and while he was unconscious. But when he came around, he didn't realise he'd been subbed off. Oh, really? He's trying to get back on the pitch. He's a little bit dazed and confused. Of course, yeah. He's got a concussion and everything. He's trying to get back on the pitch.

And there's just a bit of commotion in the TVs and that. And a Newcastle fan stood up and just went, Think about your health! I was so tempted to think. He'd stand up and go, Are you even insured? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sit down. Sit down before you fall down. Who're going to stand up and go are you even insured yeah yeah yeah sit down

sit down before you fall down who's going to do the school run are you not going to be able to drive vehicles after a concussion yeah yeah yeah take the day off work take two days

get yourself back think about your health think about your health but like how emotionally invested like you know if you that man who shouted

think about your health to Mitrovic right if you just whisper to him oh Mitrovic is a prick. Doesn't pay his taxes. Doesn't pay that, yeah. This guy gone, what do you say about him?

What? What about his fucking taxes and his health? Don't speak about him like that when he's nearly dead. Don't speak about him when he's in this ill health. I hope he's got a good phone plan.

Don't want him to get ripped off on his minutes. Josh Pugh was telling me that he, Josh Pugh used to play rugby. Josh Pugh's an English comedian of the year who's over here at the moment

he was playing a rugby game one day and he got tackled so hard by a guy that in the dressing room afterwards he was like so what are these lads like today

who we're up against like he thought it was pre-4 of the game and he was sitting there covered in mud like head to toe he played the whole game just concussion

his life had just reset him back to earlier yeah he just couldn't remember anything and he just slipped back and he was sitting there and he was like lads what do you think these guys are going to be like he just couldn't remember anything and he just slipped back and he was sitting there and he was like lads what do you think

these guys are going to be like today do you think they're a good outfit or whatever and the lads were all looking and I'm like we need a doctor in here I think it's so confusing man I've been

I don't know if I was fully out I don't I definitely like had a bit of a blackout but I I kind of came around stood up but I had a car crash

and I hit the driver's side window with my face, with my head and just put the window out on my head Did you have your helmet on did you? Luckily Luckily for me my headphones didn't even come out

The music didn't even stop playing, I was listening to my old school vinyl with the corner folded out Didn't even stop driving Didn't even hit anything just did it because I wanted

to wanted a bit of fresh air so fucking hell like I I ended up getting like

hit on the side of the car put my head through the window and then I came around and this is my fucking vague floaty memory of coming around I had a towel pressed to my head and it turned out one of the neighbours had come out

so I was bleeding, I was hanging off a bit I got my legs a couple of stitches back on and I had this tape towel just pressed against my head to stem the bleeding waiting for the paramedics and then I just turned to the woman who had given me the towel

and I went has it been Christmas yet? It was the 27th of December. Oh my God. And I asked the wife who sorted me out if it had been Christmas yet. Jesus.

It's fucking confusing. Jeez. So, so, sweet one I get. Get a heavy present twice. Like when you got your birthday on Stephen's day or Boxing Day

so yeah the original one back in the corner yeah definitely people who get too affronted is that the word by

yeah just make the problem your own if someone's slagging off yeah your team but more to the

point your player your player yeah individual players teams I'm like you want to defend your team people have got like a logo the badge yeah they You want to defend your team. Yeah. People have got like a logo,

the badge. Yeah. And they'll want to defend that team. But when you start to defend individual players, like it starts... Over nothing as well. Yeah. It starts getting a little bit fucking intrusive.

Calm down. He's not sitting around your place on Sunday having dinner. Why don't you make him an Instagram page? All right. Here's my last one. This one is like... I don't know if this is one, but we'll see. to Grand Page. Alright, here's my last one. This one is like, I don't know if this is one but we'll see. Muggles drink water

when they're drinking so they don't get too drunk. I'm not looking at you on this one. I don't know if you do that. No, I know you know because I don't but only because

I keep forgetting. It's not about not getting too drunk but have you ever had one of those nights where you're down a ton of water before you go to bed

and your hangover is like fucking mild in the morning yeah but before bed fine before bed that's fine I'm talking about

people who like they'll be in rounds and then like every third drink they'll go oh give me a pint of water as well what are you doing

they'll replace the drink they'll not do a little no no they'll still have the drink but they'll have a water as well for you and they'll be like I don't want to get too drunk and you're like

no but then don't drink don't drink then ducking their own round yeah the round comes to them they get a water for themselves 7 euro off yeah

I'm talking about people who drink water along with their drinks so they don't get too drunk I'm all about yeah that's fine drinking water before you go to bed fine

that is fine electrolytes and shit because I never do it but I always like the one or two times that I have done it it's great yeah where someone's hooked us up

yeah like when I lived with Jimmy McGee he would always fucking come in no matter what stage of drunk and he'd make some electrolytes. I'm all about the electrolytes, yeah. The more the electrolyte you can drink the better.

And then you wake up like even still like you wake up in the afternoon but you're just like I just feel still a little bit tipsy. Yeah, yeah. It's not even a full-blown hangover. Exactly.

I think if you're doing it to maintain your like sobriety it's like why are you out? In fact, more importantly why am I in fact more importantly why am I hanging out with you fuck fuck

it's hard it's hard to argue that from the position of a total square right now it's such a fucking square right now you may as well pay rent you're going to be

in the corner so much you and Cody yesterday were fucking discussing that I'm clearly only doing this for the beach in Paquette yeah 100% in Melbourne

you can't wait to see it come off the rails you're going to be such a mess hit the skids you think I'm going to do the drinking of three festivals yeah but also you're going to have a water

every fourth drink keep yourself sober I'm going to have a sip of water now between muggle corners keep yourself keep yourself not muggly go on what's your last one?

Right, this might be a little bit harsh. Okay. Because it's just people being sweet. I already like it. It's just people being sweet and people being full of love and people coming from all the right place, but a place of pure, unfiltered muggle. Wanky family art.

Like a picture of the dad's foot next to the child's foot in black and white like scrabble pieces making out the names of every member of your family

100% no this is straight I don't even have to I don't even have to debate this one this is up there with live laugh love yeah but like

it's great you love your family and you're obsessed over your family and it's fucking adorable but it's so muggly yeah and it's everywhere like you know like so muggly yeah and it's and it's everywhere

like you know like a you know like a a framed picture of your daughter's footprint yeah muggly I mean that's again

I think that's okay in your house but not on your Facebook page yeah if you're outwardly projected but even in the house it's still it's still muggly

and you know what one day I'll probably fucking end up having some muggly family wanky art in my house 100% if I, it's still muggly. And you know what? One day, I'll probably fucking end up having some muggly family wanky art in my house. 100%. If I had a family, I'd be so fucking polluted

with oxytocins that I'd just like, oh, my family are the world. This is my world in one photo. They'll have made you happy again because you're going to be so fucking miserable by then.

Fuck that noise. Just be like, I'm fucking, my son's movie took away. I've called my son Mitrovich. Put your helmet back on. Come for a walk with your dad. It's my child's first helmet.

This is when I'm 70 and my kid's 30. I can agree with that but with stipulations I think if you're social media posting it or if you're showing people it on your phone

then that's bullshit in your own home in your own home it's fine but like because what I find muggle about it even when it's

in your own home you're just like doing someone else's idea of art yeah but you're applying it to your I think actually

I think the stipulation is yeah I think the stipulation is yeah I think the stipulation will probably be that parenthood makes you do it do you know what I mean

yeah neither of us can really comment on it because we don't have kids although we know about lads lads with dicks penis problems hashtag penis problems

hashtag penis problems hashtag feeling blessed hashtag sorry not sorry that's a shout out to Gary Little so on the topic of apparently of parenting ugly things right so um erin started dan's wife started showing us a video of his daughter playing and it was there it was just from earlier that day right he's like oh look at her she's dancing with music on and everything

right and she showed us that she's shown us the. And I look up from the video and there's Dolly in front of us. Dancing. With the exact same outfit on as she has in the video. And I look back and I'm like, you might as well just be videoing your daughter

and making us look at the phone. Yeah. The exact same thing that you're showing us on the phone is happening three feet away. Yeah, exactly. I'm like, why? Like, what?

Do you not see this the way I see it? Maybe it wasn't. Maybe you were actually filming it and you just don't know maybe you were in a car crash and you forgot maybe

yeah so I'm going to say that's in the corner with stipulations with certain stipulations with wanky family art yeah I agree with that what are the types

of wanky family art because I guess don't you you were saying last week your parents have it right oh yeah they've got Love, Love, Love with the with the three of you right yeah Because I guess, you were saying last week, your parents have it, right? Oh yeah, they've got Love, Laugh, Love. Love, Laugh, Love, yeah, with the three of you, right? Yeah.

Do you want to know something funny? You have one. No, this is quite funny, but I don't know how much it would annoy the person if it got back to them. You've got to play it. Definitely, darling. So right, not the live laugh love photo frame yeah

but as soon as you come in there's a photo frame on the right with six photos in and it's like just different family members but like me and Natalie

will be in one yeah Justine and Gavin will be in one Justine and Gavin and because my sister's boyfriend's called Gavin

as well as my brother being called Gavin no no Gavin your brother is going out with Justin yep so and then a picture

of Logan and a picture of my mum and dad but then there's a picture of Gavin and his girlfriend but Gavin doesn't have a girlfriend it's Gavin's ex-girlfriend that's in the photo right

Gavin's ex-girlfriend is they broke up like a year and a half ago right yeah two year ago maybe two and a half year ago maybe but they just haven't

changed the frame and no one seems to have noticed it no one moves on but what I laugh now is because Gav's ex-girlfriend is now going

out with UFC flyweight Paddy Houlihan who's in the same fucking he was in the UFC

he's a coach now he's got his own gym he coaches Orla who I think you've met

the girl who does the door for me he coaches MMA with her. He was in Kavanaugh's stable. He's fucking Conor McGregor's, one of Conor McGregor's entourage. Yep. She's going out with fucking one of the hardest men in the known universe.

Yep. And I just walk into my family home where I grew up, my dad's house, and I look and go, oh, there's Paddy Houlihan's bed. Well, it'd be weirder as if they take Gav out of it and just have her. For Paddy in. For Paddy Houlihan's bed. Well, it'd be weirder as if they take Gav out of it and just have her. Put Paddy in. Put Paddy in. Paddy the hooligan Houlihan.

Paddy the hooligan Houlihan in Blyde's family homes. Oh, it's fucking hilarious. Oh my God. Right, let's review them. Muggles wear bike helmets even when they're off their bike. Yes, I do.

Corner. Muggles don't like folding the corners're off their bike. Yes, I do. Corner. Muggles don't like folding the corners of pages on books. Yeah. Corner. Corner fuckers. Muggles drink water

when they're drinking so they don't get too drunk. Oh, that one's debatable. I'll let it creep through. Straight in. What are you talking about? It's not a top corner one, is it?

It's a top corner corner. It's not a top corner one. People who do generic impressions of where you're from, where you're from, calm down, calm down. Tiddly-D potatoes,

put a shrimp in the barbie, put a muggle in the fucking corner. Actually, I should say, when you say Tiddly-D potatoes, it's Diddly-D potatoes. Even though nobody says it, it's Diddly-D. It's whatever the fuck I want it to be.

I'm not mocking the person mocking you. You know, the person mocking you says Diddly-D, but I'm mocking them, so I'm going to do the same thing, otherwise I'm just them. You say Tickly-D. It's Tickly-D mocking you says diddly-dee but I'm mocking them so I'm not going to do the same thing otherwise I'm just them you say tickly-doo spiddly-dee spiddly-did-dunk

football fans get over-attached to individual players to the point they feel like they need to defend them like their family just go in the corner

just go in you know what Mitrovic I'm not that fussed about your health if I'm honest yeah calm down Mitrovic

score a goal just the family wanker that you parade around yeah you put the I'm not that fussed about your health, if I'm honest. Calm down, Mishavish. Score a goal. Just the family wanker that you parade around. Yeah. You put the stipulation on it if it's in your house? In the house. I think that means that there's not many people going in the corner for this one. If you've got it in the house, you've just been a closet muggle.

Okay. Yeah, I'll agree with that. If you think anybody else cares about the foot against the foot or the printed foot or the clay cast of a hand or any of that. I've got framed footprints of my foot. Have you? Every year. It's scratch and sniff. You scratch my balls, then you sniff the picture.

What? I don't know. What are you talking about, kissy tulips? What time are we on? We time? We've got time before I fucking blast my dad's. Let's fucking do it.

Verbally, verbally. Finger blast. Who's going? You're going? So we always love to end on this game where we just take pot shots at each other's dads. Pot shots like this.

Andrew Stanley. Your dad stands on the beach waving at sailors he does he used to be a sailor your dad pays for things with exact change fucking weirdo

counts it out ruins the queue and then stands there while the check check the air catches air is that enough

you know it's enough you've got a brain your dad puts some hand lotion on his own back with the soles of his feet what Is that enough? You know it's enough. You've got a brain. Your dad puts some tan lotion on his own back with the soles of his feet. What? He lies on his front. Your dad keeps his tie on after work. Just his tie.

And he's a PE teacher. He wears it with a tracksuit. It's weird. Your dad picks away the clear layer around a dishwasher tablet, not realizing that it's a soluble part of the tablet. Your dad helps with the collection basket at mass. He's not even Catholic. It's helpful. It's helpful.

Your dad makes motorbike... Your dad makes motorbike noises all the way through spin class. Your dad brings an apple to work for his boss. Gross. Your dad combs his eyebrows, slides the comb into his shade pocket before confidently strutting up the birds. That's fair enough. It does.

Like in the 90s Italian. My dad used the carrier gun. Breath free. It's all true. Your dad wears the full Newcastle kit. Two games. Socks and all.

Worries about himself. He's like, put me on. Your dad's bigoted online and whenever someone corrects his spell and he plays the victim

and says he's dyslexic that's fair enough your dad's favourite character in Street Fighter is Chun-Li spinning bird kick you know there's a bird in Soul Calibur

there's a 50 in Soul Calibur oh yeah on the Dreamcast the graphics started getting good and you could go on this like practice mode where you could go on this like practice mode

where you could just make them do the moves but you're not playing against anyone but then you can pause it and you can like pan around oh for fuck's sake

I don't finish it no don't finish it just go cracking high oh my god cracking high kick you could kick a seven foot man in the head

that's what I'm saying yeah but what's their goot they're like fucking pixelated pixelated still got one out she could kick a seven foot man in the head that's what I'm saying yeah but what's her gooter like fucking pixelated pixelated still got one out

your dad doesn't wipe his ass because what's the point he's going to have another shit later that's sensible that's environmentally like conscious your dad has never kissed a girl open mouthed it's amazing your son your dad's the bloke

who spins the Walter he is how do you know that what how do you know that he keeps telling us to scream gypsy

your dad asks for his pickles on the side of his burger at McDonald's and then puts them on himself puts them on himself. Puts them on his nipples. Your dad writes the pin number for his bank card.

Your dad writes the pin number on his bank card in case he forgets it. That makes perfect sense. Danny doesn't do that because he hasn't got enough room for all the numbers. Yeah, so many numbers.

It's a novel. He's got it in a novel that he folds the corner down on. Your dad's favourite song is Incy Wincy Spider. It's a fucking good jam. Your mom went to Sonic the Hedgehog to a fancy dress party

so your dad bought two foxtail butt plugs so he could go to his tails. Tom Houghton. Your dad tries to delay his orgasms while wanking by thinking about you but it doesn't work

and he comes quicker. He's only human. You see me sick at it a minute so ladies and gentlemen boys and girls muggins and cream

this brings us to our conclusion sometimes I wonder when people are listening to these they must think we're hammered actually not

we're never drunk doing these we've had a glass of water between every pint We've had a glass of water between every pint. A glass of water between every sentence. We're going to wrap this up now with a quick plug. I've got one week left of Adelaide Festival. I've got one solo show left on Wednesday. If you are Adelaide bound or you're in Adelaide or you've got friends in Adelaide, do that.

Yep. I'm doing a Glasgow Comedy Festival on Wednesday. It's Wednesday the 15th in the stand comedy club at 9 30 p.m and then we both head to melbourne melbourne not just both of us but cream finally gets his friends back cream can do a podcast i couldn't find anybody to do a podcast in new york and sydney why couldn't you find anybody this week i'm only at my friend's wedding with all my best friends i still can't get anyone to do it so yeah

I'm sure he'll be back at some point when I'm back what are you talking about when I'm back he'll be back but yeah we go to Melbourne

and then we're gigging together every day in Melbourne yes yeah and the best of British the best of British blood trader blood trader

money money and so yeah and also www. BloodTrader. Money, money. And also www.kaihoffrey.com. Buy my one-hour special. You're going to enjoy it. It's about how to be happy. Get it while I'm happy. See you.

Bye.