Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.1 Back on a Reg!

Episode Date: January 4, 2021

Back with weekly Monday episodes on a reg, Muggins and Cream start the year with some good habits and a brief sample of sobriety, Daniel reveals his one vice and Kai shares a recent Twitch faux pas 

Morning, afternoon or night I don't know whether you're fucking listening to this My name is Daniel Sloss and you are listening to Sloss and Humphreys on the Road Where me, Netflix's Daniel Sloss Joins my friend Concordia Leisure Centre's Kai Humphreys As we discuss many topics about Kai's faux pas on the internet

Drug binging and of course your dad jokes At the end. Enjoy and stay safe Sloss and Humphreys on the road Muggins and cream Cream and muggins Straight thuggin' living the dream Fucking muggles Enjoy and stay safe. Right, since we're a kind of professional outfit, kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Right, since we're a kind of professional outfit, how do you want to start this?

Would you be offended if I said not with a fucking song? So no songs. Idiom? What's an idiom? What's an idiom? It's like,

like, one in the hand, one in the... Have you just used a word that you don't know the meaning of it was all vowels I was trying to say

a bird in a hand is worth two in the bush but I couldn't remember what it was so I was like what in the hand two in the stink

a bird in the hand is worth two in the stink that makes sense okay that's an idiom so I was trying to remember the idiom as I was saying it so an idiom. So I was trying to remember the idiom as I was saying it. So an idiom's just like a

saying? Kind of, yeah, but like a common saying that kind of highlights a... How does it differ from a metaphor or a simile? I guess it's in the same bracket

as a metaphor and a simile. It's just a typo. It's like a Shakespearean... Aye. So it should start like this. Well no, this is, fuck you, this is content. I was trying to work backwards, manufacture. Because also I'm very interested in the word idiom because

do you reckon it's related sorry to get into the etymology of it, but idiom and idiot. Do you reckon idio is Latin for something and those are related? Possibly, yeah. Is it like trying to spell out a complicated thought process with this stupid metaphor about birds in a bush?

So instead of trying to appeal to someone's knowledge, you go, right, we're going to idiot this one. Right, okay, so there's a bird in your hand, right? That's way better than two in the bush, because you've got that one. And those two over there aren't in your position, so you'd rather have the one in your hand than the

two. So an idiom is trying to... It's explaining the world to a moron. You puppetry with words. Yes. Just to make them pay attention to all the things. Put it in a more palatable way for morons. You know what? If that's not the etymology, we've changed it.

That is what it is. If only there was some sort of online thing where we could research. Oh, like an intranet, but with the whole globe. Yeah. Like as if... An intranet that went outside the company. Aye. Like as if there was...

And again, I would really like people to understand this is our original idea. So don't run away with it. I've never been nicking this. But like some sort of worldwide... I don't know like network like in WWN yeah WWN

a network that connects us all together it's filled with information and maybe some sort of engine that searches

and you can like skate the net ah that's it like a sort of skateboard across it or you can grind the rails of the

interwebbage interwebbage. Interwebbage. Man, we say, that was a joke of us pertaining to the internet. The amount of times I do that with things in real life, where I go, I'm pretty sure I made this up. And then you go, oh no, no I didn't. Much like you and egg fried rice. Egg fried rice.

I've been making egg fried rice for a while before. As long as egg fried rice has existed? Well, possibly not as long. As long as the Chinese have had it. Who had it first? So basically I would make rice and I'd boil rice. Aye. And then I'd put the boiled rice in a pan.

Uh-huh. And then I'd crack a couple of eggs in. Wait, how would you boil the rice not in a pan? Well, I'm just saying like, not in the microwave. Like boil the rice. I invented that now. Some people just put it in the microwave like boil the rice I invented that now some people just put it in the microwave

I get them like raw I do not think I'm so sorry I don't think there's anyone in the world that microwaves rice no no

I'm sure there are millions of people but they've only ever done it once like you only ever microwave rice once Uncle Ben's only what

I was pretending I only knew of Uncle Ben's and then I've discovered this new discovery that was mass rice. Okay, well, we've got some chemistry of the day. For once. I remember I showed Elliot, I'd been doing it for ages,

just making my own food. I was like, Elliot, you've seen this one at day rate. I fucking get the rice, strain it in the sieve, pour it in there, crack an egg in, and you can see the egg

fucking mixing in with the rice and all that. I wasve, pour it in there, crack an egg in, and you can see the egg fucking mixing in with the rice and all that. I was like, Kai, are you trying to pass off egg fried rice as your own thing? I think, oh, that's an egg fried rice. I never put two and two together.

So what you're saying is I should take back all the patents I just sent away to make them all refund me the money. All right. So write in if you have anything you thought you invented, but it existed.

All right. This is just turning into a fucking radio show. We're going to do it regularly, obviously. We're going to have segments, which, by the way, we put a shout out last time for people to write in.

I printed it out. It's doing stairs, isn't it? We're not going to get it. Do I want to go get it? No, I don't know what it is. Well, you keep them talking. Oh, sure. Why not?

So we're done tell them why are you still talking because I'm making still the hours tell them about we're done the school thing what school thing romantic school moments

hey that's what the question was romantic school moments I don't remember the last podcast I was fucking sorry right I'll talk to you

cunts while he's away I don't remember the last podcast because I was immensely high during it as I often am during any of my conversations with another human being

I find it makes them more I don't know bearable especially Kai that accent's grinding until you're stoned out your fucking head and then it just becomes

I don't know it's like watching Primetime Telly and it's degrading but oh hiya so can you not remember the last podcast

because you were high I was baked how have you found how have you found not being high let's get on to that later on okay

I said surprise because you went downstairs to get this I noticed you had to tease them with that oh right okay

so you want to talk about surprise then doing so with Jan it's you know but it fucking it is what it is like it's I like doing so much it's you know it is what it is like it's I like doing it in January

I like doing it I'm going to make sure I do it every year because I just think it's a good way to sort of like just especially for me

to send the pendulum the other way I'm an all or nothing person so when I'm in stoner mode I'm in full most hours of the fucking day yeah and it's

because I often use it just as a way of sort of shutting my mind up for a bit or just calming it down a bit. The chatter. Yeah, just the chatter. And, you know, to help me stop the overthinking. But in January you want to go, right, what have you got to say before I shrit you up again? Aye, well, no, no. But this, I'm trying to combine it with,

you know, fucking more meditation. And I'm listening to a bunch of lectures on the science of mindfulness because I don't believe in anything unless it's peer-reviewed. Like, you can talk... Even though there's like 4,000 years of fucking meditation and proof that it works,

until that's in a fucking scientific paper, I don't believe that it does work. So listening to this science, it's fucking fascinating, man. And it's just about how, like, our brains were never, ever, ever designed to make us happy. At no point in our fucking history, right? So you've got, the reason we get... It's just designed to hunt for food.

It's designed... Hunt for food and reproduce. And survive, right? So, like, the reason we've all got panicky, so the reason every human is prone to anxiety, right, is because millions of years ago, back when we were fucking hunter-gatherers or whatnot, or fucking...

Well, weeks ago, if you may. Throwing spears at bison. It's a recent memory. But, like, there was a time in history where if you were walking through a fucking, I don't know, like a jungle or a forest

or whatever, right? And there'd be a shape about 50 yards away in the bushes, right? Now there's, and you don't know what it is. And there's two things it could be. It could either be a rock

or it could be a lion, right? Now for the people who said they'd go, fuck, that's a lion, right? And they'd run away from a rock, doesn't matter. They ran away and survived. But the people went, oh, that's a rock. And it turned out it could's a lion right and they run away from a rock doesn't matter they ran away and survived but the people went oh that's a rock and it turned out to be a lion are dead so none of their dna exists the only dna exists in all of us is the dna that ran away from

dangers and if you want to see that if you want to see that in action that is it a story is it a lion in action put a cucumber behind your cat. So it's just this sort of like, and hearing that, I was like, that explains a lot. I think our minds are designed to look for threats all the time, all the time. And when we don't see any,

it's not like our brain goes, oh, there's no threats. Our brain goes, I'll make up a bunch. And that's where you find yourself thinking either too much in the future or too much in the fucking past. And what mindfulness is, is just the very, very calm act of,

you know, bringing yourself back to... The other fascinating thing I found out, which blew the shit off my mind. Obviously, the brain's a muscle. Well, no, it's not. Sorry. The word like was meant to be in there. The brain is like a muscle it has memory

then i mean muscles are like a brain they have memory but if you work out and see if you if you lift weights every day you'll have a nice fucking chest by the end of it right and if you panic all the time you're just working up the panicky part of your brain and there's genuine fucking uh science if four weeks of mindfulness i was just practicing it reduces the anxiety part of your brain. And there's genuine fucking science. If four weeks of mindfulness I was just practising, it reduces the anxiety part of your brain and it increases the handling part. I don't know what the names of these bits are.

I haven't listened to that much of the fucking lecture. But it's just... I just want to be verified. I don't need to see the work. But what I... So during the sober month, I'm going to try and make sure...

In the moments where I know I'd normally fucking reach for a joint, just to shut my fucking brain off I'll hopefully when it comes to fucking February and March I'll my instant reaction

won't necessarily be to just go for that my reaction will be to just deal with it and then getting high will be what it used to be which is just a fucking fun thing all the time

and don't get me wrong when I was high all the time I was very happy all the time I wasn't ever in these sort of the only sort of sad not sad moments but we have just going this is i don't want to be a stoner for the rest of my life yeah i don't want to be a stoner you start putting stuff off and you start putting stuff off and you start accumulating stuff that you know you should do and that bothers you throughout the day so i've started this like really achievable goals for the start of, like, since New Year, is I want to take 50 press-ups every day,

meditate every day, read at least a chapter of my book every day, and say, even just them three things, right? Let's just start with them three, and I'll add more habits to it. And those are things like drink five pints of water and fucking... What I like today is,

instead of us getting to fucking six o'clock in the day and I haven't read any of my book I haven't done my press ups because that means and you haven't meditated yet it's lingering

and you've got this lingering feeling all day that you've got stuff to do I do them things as soon as I get out of bed as soon as I get out of bed I do my push ups I do my meditating

I read a chapter in my book and I drink five pints of water and then I get my breakfast lunch and dinner all in one all in one

fucking all in and it's a shag me last have a wank and then I lie on the couch and I stew for the rest of the

and I know I look like I'm miserable but I've done all me chores I've done all me chores I've done all me chores I'm allowed to have this tomorrow I've blown it

I've blown it I'm like how is this good for you just pissing and shitting more than you've ever done in your entire life being like aye

this is how I practice mindfulness just get it out the way get it done I have. Get it done. I have all me month's shit on the first. Just get, I know. The first of the month,

four months worth of shit. Get the bish bash bosh. Have you managed to, I've, I've, so I've given up booze and I've given up weed for,

for this month. But I've gone, I've gone back on my bullshit on one thing. I've, I've, I've got, much like you, I've got one vice now. In Vegas? In Vegas, I'm like, coffee's me one vice.

You want to see? What your vice is? Hair gel. Was it cool mint? It looks like a tub of hair gel. Now it looks like chewing gums. Schnoose. Schnoose.

You're fucking schnoosing. Hi. Schnoose. Me and Cara were in Sainsbury's yesterday, right? And I wasn't... Yesterday morning and early afternoon was just one of those times where I could feel myself wanting wheat

because the chatter in my brain was getting too much. But I was just... I was like, just bring yourself back to the moment. You're shopping with your girlfriend. There's nothing... It's a fun experience. You know, there's no point being in your head about this. Why are you worried about shit

when you've got this fast-gator hand? And that worked for a bit. And then we walked down the aisle and I was like, schnooze! Schnooze has made it to the UK because schnooze has been in Scandinavia

for fucking ever. Which is weird because you have it in bars where you're drinking so you're sloshing beers down with fucking a tea bag in your lip. For those of you

that don't know what schnooze is, schnooze is like a small white bag of Tobacco. Aye. Nicotine tobacco and flavouring that the Scandics what schnoos is schnoos is like a small white bag of tobacco aye nicotine tobacco and flavouring the Scandics

shove in their gums and it's very bad for you but it puts nicotine into your it's like sucking a nicotine patch aye

essentially and I have just because I know at the moment I'm always going to have the moments where I reach for something

and obviously the goal is to get past those moments and get past that fucking, that instinct. But for now, man, I've quit nicotine loads of times. I'm real good at it. I've done it so many times. This is... It's one of your skills. Aye, aye.

And I know that sounds like I'm not good at it. I know by its very definition it's not good. But I'm just using this. I'm just going like one a day. Don't get fucking addicted to it. But if it ever becomes too much, just the process of doing something negative, just the process of just,

this is just for me. I know it's bad. I can't do this. It's like, you know, it's like comfort food but I don't want to I had comfort food all last year towards the end there

because I started eating well Sunday I meant to start on Monday but I started Sunday I started eating well from Sunday so that's two days now I'm halfway through my second day of not putting a morsel in my mouth that I didn't need like the sugars and the sweets and the treats everything is food for fuel I'm halfway through my second day of not putting a morsel in my mouth that I didn't need. You know,

like the sugars and the sweets and the treats, right? Everything is food for fuel. Like, but building up to that, up until that Saturday, the end of that Saturday, I've fucking done a whole month's eating.

I was just, anything that got in my mouth was going in my mouth. Aye. Aye. Just sucking out my glasses, dildos. I had the same old thing.

I think I've had calories up when she used them. My main thing was wearing a bunch of, obviously, the tips for the fucking weed pen. And they're in the fucking weed drawer, what Cara calls her drawer of nightmares, because I just pull it out and leave it on the table. Thus, it's not a drawer. It's a drawer I've removed and I've turned it into a box.

It's just a fruit bowl. Aye, of all these wonderful different flavours of the happy sauce. And I'm like, look, I'm going to be tempted by those in January. So what I'll do is I'll smoke all of them now. Did you do what I did with food, but with weed? Aye, absolutely. I like this.

I know it's fucking super muggly today. It's bound to be in Muggle Conan. Oh, of course it is. But they enjoy January and New Year's resolutions and all that but I like that having a starting point so that you can actually

like not feel guilty about taking it off the fucking road before you get to that starting point so that you can absolutely hit the skids

like the fucking last week of the Fringe in fact like all of the Fringe but that last week in particular where you just fucking gave up

all all the things that keep your mental health do you mind that you just let go I'm sure we fucking told this story

in the podcast before but it was fucking five or six festivals ago back when we were fucking sesh hits horrible horrible sesh hits

like 2015 2016 era aye and it was just one of those things where, you know, you're doing drugs most nights. You're fucking drinking every day. Fucking smoking weed fucking constantly. The second last night at the Fringe,

Ari fucking Shafir comes up to me and Elliot Steele and he goes, one of my fans gave me acid because that's what Ari Shafir fans do. He's like, do you and Elliot want to do it? And I was like, no, I hate acid. I've got a spike within Benidorm once. It's not for me. And he goes, I'd hate for I've got a spike within Benidorm once it's not for me and he goes

I'd hate that for that to be your relationship with us it's dead fun it's dead nice you can send your mind to good places

I took some 45 minutes ago it's really nice it's really nice and we were like no I'm not going to do that and then

and I don't respect that he did this but he did he went poof and that was enough. That was absolutely enough for a 26-year-old me

to be like, well, fuck you then. And me and Elliot took it. And then 15 minutes later, Ari Shafir comes up to me and Elliot, he goes, oh God, I've made a huge mistake. It's so strong. And we were like, huh?

He goes, it gets way worse. And we were like, don't, what? Huh, huh? I cannot remember the answer phone message he sent me because I took it off that night the same as you guys. I bumped into him independently from you two.

So I ended up on it. And he left me an answer phone message going, Kai, I've massively misjudged this. I'm absolutely zoinked. It was the three of us just in fucking stitches laughing. I'm zoinked. I'm zoinked. He was in a bunker of a golf course on his own.

Aye, and then he also forgot that he was leaving an answer phone message for three minutes. So it was like, Kai, fuck, I'm leaving an answer phone message for three minutes aye so it was like can't fuck I'm joined and then three minutes of silence as Anna Shaffir watched airplanes and then went oh

and then did he not like think he was on the phone or was that something and was like hello thought he butt dialed us but aye that one you fucked us right

because I knew you was on it right and you was well up ahead of me and you were in the loft bar and I was with Natalie and a couple of her friends

that had come to Edinburgh especially for the Fringe and then the doors of the lift opened and fucking you and Elliot were just like you looked like you'd seen a ghost you were like we need to get out of here

it's kicking in we can't be in this environment and you just fucking darted past us not much more explanation than that and mine was starting to kick in and I was feeling it but you fucking darted past us not much more explanation than that and mine was starting to kick in and I was feeling it but he just gave us

that instant fear and I was like well I can't I can't go with them because I've got like a bunch of guests that I'll need the artist passes

to get into these places that they come to hang out and I ended up going up in the loft bar and I sat down on the floor and the girls I'll just made a circle

around us like they put their bags they just so nobody could get at us so I didn't end up having any boring conversations that are like

oh how's the show going the mundane conversation that you're fine with having normally because it's a part of conversation but not when you're on action

genuinely interested half the time because these are people I haven't seen in ages but I didn't want to be on fucking acid and talking about my show

not a chance and I went to the toilet I had to fucking on fucking acid and titan, but we sure, not a chance. And I went to the toilet. I had to fucking leave the circle, right? And I'm fucking, I get to the toilet and he won't bother us. He's doing all that. And I get back and it was, you know Mark Dolan?

Aye. Mark Dolan just like, he just spotted us and his face lit up and he was like, oh Kai, how you doing? He's like, I haven't seen you in ages. Have you been hiding from us,

our friends, right? And I looked up at him and his face was just like a fucking clown feature as in Melton and all that and I was just like his face was like mushing around

and he's it's like if you know that I said before I genuinely don't recommend it it's like I know some people not the environment it's not a party drug

don't think it's a party drug I know some you're not a party on it sorry aye but it's their face turns into a fucking Picasso painting it's like a face turns into a fucking Picasso painting.

It's like a moving fucking picture. Do you know what I mean? It felt like I was looking through a fisheye lens as well. Like fucking, like you're looking through a peephole.

And his face was like, it looked like. Sure, it wasn't just through a bong-eyed lens. It was through a bong-eyed lens too. But it felt like his face was closer than it needed to be and it was all rounded

and mushy and he was like, he was being nice. I can remember the words and all that. He was like, oh, how are you doing? Have you been hiding from us and all that? And I just, in his face was closer than it needed to be and it was all rounded and mushy and he was being nice. I can remember the words and all that. He was like, oh, how are you doing? Have you been hiding from us and all that? And I just, in his face, right,

with everything, I went, nah, mate. Nah, mate. No explanation. I fucking got out of there. Have you seen him since? Nah. Nah, I haven't.

I'm sure he'll fucking be arid. I'm sure he'll be fine. He's normally sound. This is the faux parts you were talking about when something bothers you. We talked about it two podcasts ago, but I read something since then that's fucking amazing. Someone said,

never dwell on the stuff that you've said that you think people are thinking about and talking about because they're probably talking about something completely different that you did that passed you by. I thought that was fucking amazing. There's probably so much shit that I can't even remember

doing that I should be worried about to worry about the stuff I can't remember me and Elliot went back to Mount we got a

fucking taxi where we just sat in terrified silence and then we went back to our old house and we built a fort and watched

road wars I'll come back and you just won't fucking alligator onesies and that aye and then

so we fucking stayed up all day none of us got any fucking sleep and it was the last of the festival and I remember thinking I've absolutely

fucking fucked this like I've beyond fucked this it's going to be the worst show I've ever done like I've not slept I've not fucking eaten

I've not drank I'm fucking shaking all the time best gig of the run learned absolutely zero lesson but that being said

I reckon that this year I reckon that this year I just remember laughing from that night before we move on from it I ended up when I got back to bed

Al and Natalie's mates crashed in my bed it was like a six in the bed scenario and I was the only one that wasn't a fit woman right so I was just

like no it was happening the wild crashed into sleep but I'm still in this situation, right? And I could hear he's laughing and carrying on in another room. And I just whacked through.

And I was like, I just whacked through with my boxers. And I just went, I was just lying in bed there with six birds. And I thought, is that me mates laughing? What are they up to? My girls! What are they up to? You can't let your mates laugh and not know not want to know what they're laughing at

I think I'm I'm I'm hanging up my my drug nose aye hanging up your nostrils

well aye I've done it I've done it and I'm not going to say never never ever but like that I'm not

I'm not specifically ever going out to sesh is it gonna be like what was said with the cigarettes it's like you've got you've got one use

aye where you can see what happened to smoke they made but I also and this isn't to fucking besmirch anyone else

this is just me on my own personal journey on January the 4th I'd love to listen to the New Year's podcast from last year aye it'll definitely be us going oh we should take some water disgust that aye fourth I'd love to listen to the New Year's podcast from last year aye

it'll definitely be us going oh we should take some water I would disgust that aye but no I just I've done years of drugs and stuff

and it was it was fun it was good but just get to that point in the session where you go I've done this

every session's the same now and you just go I'm just on drugs and this isn't fun and I just don't get anything out of it anymore yeah and I am, I'm just on drugs and this isn't fun and I just don't get anything out of it anymore. Yeah.

And I am also, I'm dead, dead good at saying no. Ah, you've done that to me on New Year's Eve and I wasn't impressed

by the way. Aye. Where were we? It was just me and he left. Aye. And it was like, end of the night,

New Year's Eve, we'd just fucking finished a rake of air, a fucking, of like, coping. Aye. A rake of air coping. fucking, of like, coping. Aye. A rake of air coping.

Cara was asleep on the couch. Natalie had gone to take a Zoom call with a couple of our pals before we went to bed and I poured me an ear shot. Aye. At two in the morning? At two in the morning.

Shot of vodka. Aye. Had you poured, had it been, I was going to say Sambuca, I wouldn't have done Sambuca. I might have done a Jaeger, I might have done a,

but it was also two in the morning and we were clearly just about to go bed. I just did a shot, it was four of us. Aye. And I'm like, why Sam Booker I wouldn't have done Sam Booker I might have done a Jaeger but it was also two in the morning and we were clearly just about to go bed I just did a shot there's four of us and I'm like why on earth would I want one shot

just before we do feel sick just before I go to bed because I remember I'm a fucking hamad everyone looking at each other you both go at each other who are you performing to?

there's nobody there's no cameras on why are you performing? I'm like why are you performing? I'm like who's this for who's this show

it's just me we're both we're both shouting at each other there's no cameras on this isn't a podcast we're not recording anything I even done the poody poody poo

it didn't work I'm I like I'm good when I say when I say I've stopped something I do like you know

tell us something if I brought you the best friend card, you would have fucking... I would have had to. I'm going to say, like, as long as there's a fucking... Rock the whole entire fucking fabric of our friendship, just that. But had you used the best friend card in that situation... You would have been fucking mad at us, and you would have used it on something terrible.

Aye, exactly. Aye. So what you're doing is you're shooting me while also handing me a loaded gun. Aye, you're like, I really didn't want to do it, so I'm going to get... It'll be, like, a noted. Aye, but what you're doing is you're shooting me while also handing me a loaded gun. Aye, I really didn't want to do it, so I'm going to be like a noted. Aye, but noted. Aye.

But I shouldn't come to that. Happy New Year. You know, it was good, though, waking up on New Year's Day and not having a comedown. Not having smoked 40 cigarettes. Not having gone to bed at fucking 5 or 6am. I'm so fucking bored of going to bed after 2am

I'm like 9 and I've had a good fucking 7 hours sleep aye em so I'm a big fan of that now that me and Natalie have got onto a bit

during lockdown is just start drinking earlier and go to bed at a decent time I've see that's the thing a bit more day drinky when you say day drinky

you mean like 4 or 5 o'clock, like as soon as she finishes work or whatever, like rather than just fucking. So you do enjoy January? I'm not committed to it, but I, I passed up a beer the other day.

I got back, I got back to Natalie's and her dad and her brother, we're both having a beer. And I thought it was one straight away. As soon as I went for the door, I was like, no, I'm good.

Like, it would be nice to join you, but no, because I'm going to I'm going to get on as much it's more like the fucking calorie content of them I'm just going to kind of

do a little bit of dietary adaptation I was fucking eating literally fucking everything and anything I turned into a fucking garbage can that's a good way to be

it's a fun fucking oh no I didn't resent it. I wouldn't have changed it. I had a class time. I didn't... It didn't come with any guilt. I just... Now you kind of keep that trajectory up.

Not at my age, man. Sticks to you. Moving on the lips, forever on the hips. I hear you. Good, I hear you. Is that an idiom? I think it's...

So what we did... Oh, I'll do it. What we did what we did last week is we got talking about cringeworthy romantic moments

at school where you're trying to be a charmer you get rejected it came from a couple of four parletters one of them was

two of them were school based so we asked you to send school based ones and guess what you were all fucking Casanovas

weren't you you were all Lotharios at school because we've only got two there's no way our whole listenership

there was only two missteps in school and one of them's the same lad as the one that's the lad that dumped his lass in the car

by phoning the dad right sorry there although my first story covered this I've sadly got another 12 years old

Valentine's Day I had rostered I had a rostered day off to do the role, a task where you visit every classroom to collect attendance sheets. Very fun day of fucking around class and was having a blast. Free day, casual dress, rocking some new sunnies, great day.

Come break time, I give my girlfriend at the time of Valentine's gift, well thought out, good gift. In return to this, she said she wants to break up. Good thing I had my new sunnies help the fact that I cried for the remaining four hours

of the school day I don't know right I'm sorry you said he's not in class so he was crying

but he looked cool as fuck no he didn't everyone's got a fucking check bottle but no no

unless there were Fucking gutters Under the bottom Of the sunglasses It's just tears It's too rippish It's so choked up He choked us

Choked Who's that sad Rock star In fucking Classical studies Is that fucking Is that what's From Merriblatt

Sounds like He's got a cold I also sorry Connor not to pick on you too much here I gave my girlfriend

at the time a Valentine's gift well thought out good gift in return to this she says she wants to break up so you didn't get

her good gift what could the gift have been a picture of someone else's tits that is a well thought out

good gift I wish one day one day you grow pennies I mean I'm trying to think Of the fucking worst gift I've ever gotten

Do I ever tell you About the time I gave a lass A valentine's card And she tipped exit out And wrote it out To someone else You did

And it makes me Filled with joy That often comes up In my meditation What I'm grateful for I practice my Metal loving kindness On her comes up in my meditation what I'm grateful for. I practice my meta-loving kindness on her. I'm just like, that's class.

What a good thing to do. Solid last that, eh? Really. Right. Hi, Muggins. Hi, Cream. When I was about nine years old, I liked this boy at school.

One day after school, a bunch of us were waiting for our parents out front and he and I got to talking I was being chatty and I annoyed him so much that he suddenly told me fuck you and then kneed me

in the cunt hard what just then his mum pulled out and he got in the car and left he got into her car and left

so it was like some cunt punting run that the mum was in on I wish I had the engine running as soon as you see me knee hit, I can't pull up. I need to get the fuck out of the dodge. When my mum arrived to pick me up, did she also kick you in the cunt? She found me sobbing in a puddle of humiliation.

I shouldn't be laughing at this. On the ground with several classmates laughing at me from where they sat. If we ever cross paths again, we are fighting. Of course you are. I'm 44 years old and I'll beat his ass right now. Love you both, Lena. I absolutely,

absolutely harbour that. Lena, Lena, imagine, imagine him remembering that story, how fucking, you know, if he's like, you know how Conor's writing in

and crying behind his sunglasses? That lad's now 44 as well, going, oh, oh, I know. I was, last was at school, I was flirting with him and I thought he was mocking me and I kneed out in the corner. Connor's right now crying behind his sunglasses. That lad's now 44 as well going, oh, way near. Last I was at school I was flirting with him

and I thought he was mocking me and I kneed out of the cut. I ran. I kind of faced the world. I know. Went home and had to wash my knee because it stank of fish.

And now I was only nine but it still makes us cringe. I'm sorry. I thought it was Connor. I'm also not proud of I've said it already this is a nine year old I don't know

you can describe a nine year old's vagina I've smelt it like fish aye nah nah you probably shouldn't do that but I've always wanted

a nine year old to come in god that's so fuck it you annoyed him so much told me fuck you I mean people annoy me

don't get me wrong it's crossed my mind but do you reckon that do you reckon she was going full Helga Don't get me wrong, it's crossed my mind. But do you reckon that's... Do you reckon she was going full Hilger off here, Arnold? No, I think it's kids don't... Call them football head. You're not born with empathy. You develop fucking empathy.

It's a thing you fucking learn throughout your life. And children aren't really good at it because they're fresh to the fucking world. So when you and I are talking to someone and they're annoying, it absolutely crosses my mind. How good would it be to just fucking slap them right now? Just and they're annoying it absolutely crosses my mind how good would it be to just fucking slap them

right now just while they're mid-story telling me something I don't care about just side of the face but you don't do it because you've got empathy

you know that's a bad thing he was nine years old didn't have that aye sorry he was made to feel angry as a nine year old and lashed out as a nine year old

and he should have got punished from it but there's no one there to punish him well no his mum his mum picked in fact, his mum picked him up. So, fucking, she clearly saw that.

So maybe this is a family that just can't punch us. Maybe she, like, fucking tell the dare. Aye. Some girls like it. I love it when your dad needs me in the front. Aye, go on, go on.

Just while she's talking as well, treat him mean, keep him keen. Well, Lena, I'm very sorry that I haven't to you and I hope one day your paths cross and that you do kick his fucking head in

aye put him in the can I had a I had a faux pas the other day it was fucking Natalie couldn't stop laughing because I don't get embarrassed that much

but she gets embarrassed for us alright so when I tell her something for an embarrassed day she just says she's like oh you don't get embarrassed so I I tell her something embarrassing that day she just says she's like oh you don't get embarrassed so I've got to

shoulder out this embarrassment and just fucking just cry to self laughing I was on Twitch I was on Twitch and I was opening a gift off

Amy Lewis who actually wrote in remember the faux pas about assuming someone's gender yeah it was her brought us

that board game that I showed you the escape room right but when I opened the box right so I opened

the Amazon like the not the Amazon box but the cardboard box that it was posted in and it reveals the wrapped gift that she bought us

but on top of that were two vouchers that came free with the game right but the voucher had it was written

like printed like a check and it had naked wines 75 the game right but the voucher had it was written printed like a check and it had naked wines 75 pound written on the fucking voucher right Natalie recognised the voucher straight away because everything that she orders

comes with it free 75 pound like starter thing and I on Twitch gushed

that she bought a 75 pounds worth of wine and I'm like Amy you're one of the most generous people I've ever met gushed that she'd bought a 75 pounds worth of wine. And I'm like, Amy, you're one of the most generous people I've ever met. I can't remember exactly what I did know. And she's fucking sat there watching me like, oh God, God, I didn't get enough.

Have I rocked it? No, I'm not. Is it game? No, I'm not. Oh, it's so hard. I just gave this man I've never met before this. He says he likes his games. Him and Daniel talk about it on the podcast thought it'd be a nice gift

for the pair of them and she's bought something for that we could stream we could perhaps stream it she put that in like she's bought something for the project and I'm there like

she's fucking bought us a crate of wine in Saginaw and I've fucking finished the stream you're a child that plays with the box on Christmas day that's what you fucking are

I'm a cat you're putting on a kick at and a dance dance dance and a dance dance dance I am the kid that plays with the box and I showed Natalie

I was like you've seen this because I was like that's one of the things I said on the stream and I was like Natalie I'll be chuffed with that and I was like

can you believe the kindness yeah you've seen this and Natalie was like that's just a voucher I was like aye a voucher from

you know the way she was wait the second part of this is you chose to read the other 75 words in the bit of paper

as opposed to the first three no she was basically telling me that it wasn't the gift Natalie was telling me I wasn't hearing it right

I was just like looking at what else was in my hand Natalie's just become white noise in the background Natalie's just become white noise in the background and she's explaining brown noise

brown noise it's her nickname brown noise and I found a 26 pound beer voucher in there and I was like

Amy what the hell OMG I didn't even read out the beer voucher and she was like Kai I literally just bought the game list.

I just full-poured my tits off for a good half hour. So that would be embarrassing if I was capable of such things. Just also, there's a real sense of, look at them, just bestowing me with all this alcohol

that I clearly deserve. just bestowing me with all this alcohol that I clearly deserve do you know Michael Fabry uh huh I remember fucking ages ago

and I was on radio with him like I'm saying like 2011 2012 right I was on radio with him with Rod Gilbert

Rod Gilbert and Barry Castanola who Baza Castanaza never heard of him I want Barry oh I'm Barry right not skinny Barry little bat and Barry Castanola. Who? Baza? Castanaza? Never heard of him. Our Barry. Oh, our Barry, right.

Not Skinny Barry. Skinny Barry or our Barry. Sorry, just to give some context for this. Me and Kai's, one of our favourite passive-aggressive games is when describing your friend is to describe them in a really bad way. So you go, do you mean friendly Darren or our Darren? So you just say something really

positive about our Darren. Oh, beautiful Amy or our Amy. It's a really shit thing to do in front of your

friends and it brings me endless joy. Natalie's, did I tell you that? Natalie's mum has got a friend called Emma

and a friend called Big Emma and you're like, whoa, why did you go Emma and Little Emma? Why isn't Big Emma just you're like whoa why did you go Emma and Little Emma why isn't Big Emma just Emma well we've got Big Ali and Little Ali

but that's Big and Little Big Emma and Emma suggest the existence of a little Emma what happened to her how did Big Emma get so big and where is Little Emma and why is normal Emma being so quiet about this all?

Maybe all Emmas are like raindrops and just whenever they're too close together, they bloop together. You've been playing too much Grounded. Ah, fuck. So, on the radio, they were reading bits of the news. I want you to discuss it.

One of the bits of the news was want you to just discuss it and one of the bits of the news was a guy who got caught stealing eggs he stole like fucking like a ridiculous amount like 10,000 eggs

or something from this factory that he worked at battery and then and then Michael Fabry just went

I guess he got caught egg handed right and there was just like a beat as well just registered as a joke and then moved on from it right and then as soon as a beat as well just just as a joke and then moved on

from it right and then as soon as they cut the cut the radio Fabio was just saying oh fucking egg-handed man he knew

egg-handed he knew immediately man he was like what the fuck and Wilde just played a fucking egg-handed

but little does he know Tom Houghton's at home going wonderful absolute egg-handed you mate. But little does he know, Tom Houghton's at home going, wonderful! Absolute egg-handed. You'll love to see it. Loved it, loved it. Tom Houghton loves a pun.

So what I did, right, is I fucking, while the radio show continued, I went on, I went on, on me WhatsApp groups, right, like the fucking, like the old football team I was in

with fucking 20 lads in, right, and I was like, lads, don't ask any questions, just fucking tag in at Michael Fabry on Twitter, was in with fucking 20 lads in right and I was like lads didn't ask any questions just fucking tag in at Michael Fabry on Twitter tag in at fucking BBC Wales or whatever radio station it was right

and just say what the fuck egg handed or what the fuck is it egg handed and just like look spiteful at egg handed I'll explain later and fucking

me and Fabry went to the cinema after this and the cunt couldn't stay off his phone at all through the cinema because my and the cunt couldn't stay off his phone at all through the cinema because my mate

the cunt the cunt fucking Bob had a bloody joke and fucking people would be driving along and just went egghead

they carried on driving he thought 20 plus people were messaging him with the egghead and it took that's a cunt trick

but I love it he ate he ate he ate he ate he ate himself up my boot

at my head he ate himself up my boot at my fucking

toe he got the point I think that was with Keith Thorne and I was

going to Keith I was going I don't even think I can tell him

now it's too far gone like I've done too much damage with the

joke next time I see Michael Fabry I'm going to ask him if that's ever

come up in therapy do you know what like last time I saw him in fact he brought that up and it's been a while you brought him back up and he was just like

oh oh it was fucking good but that was that was a faux pas that I did with Twitch that's not a faux pas that's more shithouse

oh sorry the other one was faux pas the one I did with Twitch but like that's not a faux pas that's more shithouse oh sorry the other one was faux pas the one I did with Twitch like here we fucking love you mate like fucking class thanks for the game I didn't expect more

I know why you can say that I didn't expect more but you know what would be worse if somebody had got us a fucking gift filter

and I just pied it on the off chance it was a leaflet you know what I mean but why do you think those are the only two options as opposed to a real option of read the rest of the thing? Like, it's not!

It's not like it says 75 quid free booze and then there's no explanation underneath. If you read the T's and C's on the fucking... It's all there! You didn't read the small print when you saw the new voucher! It's not smaller than the 75 number. When I got John Lewis photos from your wedding and all that,

I didn't fucking get them and not say thanks until I checked all the T's and C's. Two seconds. I'm not going to show any gratitude just now. I'm just going to double check. It's like getting a card with a tenner in, holding it up to the light. I don't know, but it wasn't...

Holding a tenner up to the sun in your fucking ungrateful cut just folding it up and putting it in your like an old gold coin get the victoria cross off the fucking queen

or whatever you just bite it in front of her well they were made of tin so it would bend alright Mort Martin Sloss was that you overcoming your dad there? I'm just saying

I think you're fine it's Frankenstein Frankenstein's the name of the monster no no that's from we watched 1917 the other day and they were talking about the metal and very good film it's one of those it's one of those movies

that's like like Karen doesn't like watching movies that are that she knows that are going to make her sad

which is fair enough in the same way that I don't like watching movies that are going to make me scared she doesn't like movies that are going to make her sad but my argument

or my position on it is like look there's they went through it the least you can do in the company around culture is just watch a it is like they went through it the least you can do in the company of our culture is just watch a depiction of what they went through man it's meant to be fucking harrowing

like that's what war, war is shit war is awful, war is the worst thing that we do as a fucking species right and we have to acknowledge that lest we do it again don't get me wrong, I'm very aware that there's still plenty of fucking wars going on and they're all lies.

It's happening now. And to be fair, none of, well maybe that's a fucking fair point, like we watch all these, we watch all these 1917 and fucking,

you know, the Pacific and Band of Brothers and you go, fuck me, I'm glad that doesn't happen anymore. And then,

meanwhile in Syria, turn the news off, turn the, ignore that. No, no, no. In Yemen, no no in Yemen no no no la la la la la la

but the other one is oh man the fucking opening scene of saving Private Ryan is one of those and even then that doesn't capture

the fucking horrors of what it is I mean I know I've spoken about this on the podcast already but I really do thoroughly recommend Helmets from a Pillow by Robert Leckie

and The Old Guard by E.B. Sledge, two Americans who, the TV show Pacific is based on their stories, but reading it from, man, they're just, they were 17 18 year old boys that signed up to to war and it wasn't conscription they signed up because that's what they you know they're educated south and just this idea of war and then they go out there just to

hear it from instead of watching in the movies or when it's all hollywood up listening and reading these people you have to sort of read it twice and go, this is an actual account. Like, this isn't just like, I'm reading fucking Lord of the Rings and he goes, and then the blade went through his belly and I fucking killed him. Like, every time he's like,

and I shot that person, you go, oh, fuck. That guy died beside you. He's recollecting it. He's not fabricating it. But Robert Leckie's a phenomenal writer, God rest his soul. And E.B. Sledge,

who's also, no, I mean, most of them have passed away because it's fucking 2021 at this point, but he's so calm, not calm about it, but it's really,

it's more traumatising than that. He just says it with such, as if it's just so fucking calm. With equanimity. He just says it with like, just matter of fact. Yeah, rolls over,

like this is just what it was and this is, and he notices things about the war and he really really gets into you know these moments of where humanity is ripped from these people when you send young boys to war you rip humanity out of their chest

and you force them to become something else and the struggle of fighting that and the consequences of fighting that making you it's a really really fascinating and hard fucking read but one of those hard fucking reads that

you should you should I know it's not nice to consume negative stuff because our news is so negative but I don't

I don't think you should shouldn't consume negative things offset it you know watch Soul and then read a bit of alright just like

just a little palate cleanser I have to put inside watch one episode of the Pacific I remember when I watched Psycho when my mum and dad asked if I could watch

Dumbo before I went to bed genuine true story I watched Psycho as a child with my parents wait Psycho or American Psycho I talked about this

the other day on Twitch I think just Psycho Bram Stoker Alfred Hitchcock psycho I've seen that my mum and dad

fucking paused it fucking sent me and Gav out the room for the nude scene quick come back here she's been mounded her back's in her way but fucking hell

she's got a bunch you can't see her fanny but she's got a bunch of new holes that'll let you see we checked it we watched the scene and it turns out you can't see her fanny but she's got a bunch of new holes that will let you see we checked it we watched the scene and it turns out

you couldn't see her nipples so come back in we're going to watch it again she's bleeding to death in the bath don't worry about it there's poked holes in that lady

not the good kind speaking of books I know people like recommendations and also January is a good time for other people doing so

but January if you're like what can I do to take my mind off things I'm reading a book at the moment I'm reading several books

at the moment because I've got attention deficit sorry I don't really but in the same way that Elliot's got dyslexia I've got ADD

I've got multiple books on the go at the same time the same as I'm watching a few different series like watching Schitt's Creek Misfits and Peep Show

and depending on how I feel and I'll watch that specific one I'm not going to be like oh my god I'm not going to be able to watch Peep Show because I think the kid

from Misfits is going to be in it I can put down one book and pick up another and I need to be solely focused on one story I also think

it's one for your different you're going to be in different types of moods. And a lot of the time when you sit and you go, especially if you're reading like a factual book, right, and you're not in the mood. Aye. You think, I'm not in the mood for reading. No, you are.

Just not that at the moment. I promise you, if you read a fantasy novel or a fiction one or something that you're into, one I'm reading at the moment is called The Lies of Locke Lamora. And shout out to, I'm pretty sure it was either Sid or Roies of Locke Lamora and shout out to I'm pretty sure it was either Sid or Rooney that recommended it

to Gareth who then recommended it to me what a fucking I'm only halfway through the first one but in the same way that fucking missed Bourne

the reason I really enjoyed it was because that's Brandon Sanderson who finished the Wheels of Time book right I really liked the difference

of the fantasy world that he created it was a real I love Wheel of Time I love Lord of the Rings I love world that he created. It was a real, you know, I love Wheel of Time, I love Lord of the Rings, I love all that stuff but this was a different approach to it and this Lies of Log,

The War of Man, it's so fucking different. The writing's amazing, it's funny as fuck. Like, I kept asking, is that a comedy book? And I was like,

nope. No, it's just well written. Just well written. You get into that camaraderie. When you're totally into a character, things, their personality can make you laugh because they're so well written. You get into that camaraderie. When you're totally into a character, things in their personality can make you laugh.

Because they're so well written as characters that they can just do something idiosyncratic and it tickles you. Which is why Schitt's Creek is such a brilliant TV show. I'm really glad that you gave it a second chance. I really love it. The first episode I watched it, I just watched one episode of it a while back.

And then everyone started talking about it way later and I was like, I'm missing something. That one episode I watched it and I just I just watched one episode of it a while back aye and then everyone started talking about it way later and I was like am I missing something that one episode I watched just seemed like none of them were acting

like it was I don't know like I just cemented the pilot it's like oh that's what it is like it felt like I honestly felt like

it was like watching what do you call it two broke girls or something aye aye like two girls on a pizza store whatever the fuck it is even that was alright was it

I didn't watch it I thought I thought yeah but that's saying that I was young when I store whatever the fuck it is even that was that right was it I didn't watch it but I was saying that I was young when I watched that but that was that Chuck Lorre type you said trust is buy into the characters

trust is buy into the characters and fucking you'll love it I did that's the secret to most American sitcoms right

it's one thing I'll say that not the Brits have over it but it's the difference between our two forms American sitcoms go is and it's one thing I'll say that not the Brits have over it but it's the difference between our two forms American sitcoms go for 20 episodes a season British sitcoms

go between fucking 6 and 8 so British sitcoms are like we have to fucking be funny in those 6 goddamn fucking episodes

otherwise we're not going to get a fucking second season whereas in America they go it's the characters you've got yeah you've got time to build you've got time to build.

You've got time to build. You've got 20 episodes in that first season, right? It needs to be funny as well, but it's about building the fucking characters. And by season two or three in most American sitcoms, they're way better than the first season. That's why Parks and Rec, season one, not great. Parks and Rec, season two, fine.

3, 4, 5, 5 oh thank god I watched season 1 and 2 so that I can enjoy these things. It's a level of trust that they have but it's the character driven fucking comedy and also the documentary on it, Schitt's Creek is

great. Would it have been the whole family? Would it have been the brother, sister and dad? Aye. and our fucking last two episodes of the last season I think I just cried from the start it's just such a

sweet show man I'm just up to season three now it's it's it's so sweet it's man if anyone's if anyone's struggling

with mental health problems Schitt's Creek is an instant here you go here's a nice fucking just a good chewing gum but it's chicken soup for chewing gum Chicken soup for the soul Chicken soup for the soul, aye, but it just gets so

it's just such a fucking warm show, it's like somebody's fucking, it's the relationships with each other are fucking amazing and all I think I hated the guy from Scary Movie that was in it with a lucky hand Chris Elliot, his character on the pilot, I was like, I'm not from a scary movie that was in it, with a lucky hand. Aye, aye. Chris Elliott.

Aye, his character on the pilot. I was like, I'm not feeling the way he's making me feel for one more episode at all. But then in the end, you start enjoying that cringe. Aye. You start enjoying how fucking awkward he is. He's in a great show,

which there are only 10 minute fucking episodes. I'll need to find the first one, because it's one of the funniest things. I'm pretty sure it was called Eagle Heart. If anyone can find these online, I recommend, there's just 10 minute episodes and it's just him being a police officer,

but he's just the worst fuck. It's like Magnum P.I. or fuck, but he's a piss tick of that, right? Where he's just this fucking hard guy. And the episode one, right, is he goes, he gets his mortal fucking enemy. He's in this fucking helicopter he goes he's against his mortal fucking enemy he's in this fucking

helicopter and it's rolling from Schitt's Creek it's rolling from Schitt's Creek yeah but actually he's this cop with his fucking hand he's his Russian

arch nemesis who then kills his long time partner and he goes I'm gonna get fucking revenge on you and he shoots him and he kills the guy

but it turns out that the guy he killed didn't die he's just nicked a part of the brain and he's brain damaged. So Chris Elliott's character, Eagleheart, is so pissed off that he's not dead that he spends the entire time getting the guy back to full health. Like getting him back to full health. So he can kill him?

So he can kill him. Because you can't kill a disabled person. So he gets him back to full function. It's such a fun fucking I'll need to watch more it's a horrible

concept brutal absolutely brutal sorry did I tell you when we're going to

stick on books for a bit you know I'm in a book club now right ran by

Amy Lewis who I four-powered with so in our Twitch stream my team

muggins twitch stream and the discord was started at boot club so we've

done furiously happy last month and this month we're doing a song of

achilles and you know how he's saying he actually did he

played a liar you're a liar he played me like a fiddle wrap it up that's the podcast that's it that's done end over so uh i know you're listening i'm doing the gate crash uh book club with them so i'll save i'll save the good stuff for book club

but when i'm reading the book i always think think of that Tyrion Lannister quote. A person who reads books lives a thousand lives and a person who doesn't lives but one. I've never lived the life of a gay teenager before. No? Nah, I'm reading this book and it's like they have stirrings. Stirring of the loins. That's what those were that I bottled into the press. Got to hope Renata doesn't read this. That's what those were that I bottled and suppressed.

Got to hope Renata doesn't read this. I would say it's a love story between Achilles and his best mate. Oh, yeah, yeah, he was the one that got murdered. Again, a name that I've read, Patroclus. Patroclus. I can't remember. You've seen the movie Troy. Aye, but I can't I can't fucking spoil the book you've seen the movie Troy aye but

I didn't know one of them was Particles yeah yeah it's Cleese yeah something in the end John Cleese

John Cleese John Cleese John Cleese Achilles best friend John Cleese Robes of Willies with Achilles not to

cut this too short but I do need I've got we're doing sound checks for my we've got to record the audio book for the duration of January

so I've got to go do that at three so would you mind moving on to so we'll move on to dad jokes first we'll plug some stuff Twitch stream

I am slash Kai Muggins I am I don't know I think just Daniel Sloss Daniel Sloss just Daniel Sloss Kai Muggins uh huh I um I don't know I think just Daniel Sloss Daniel Sloss

uh I just Daniel Sloss kymuggins um if you want to email the podcast um use mugginsandcream at gmail.com

if you've got anything you want any questions you want to tell us one read out um send it in because we're running

out of content so if you guys could just fucking if you guys could just provide the content and then we'll provide the humour how about that we'll work around it um we're gonna we're gonna be here every monday by the way you can trust work all right we're back at it now and the office is done but the

only reason we're not using it at the moment is because it's the final bits are just being put so next next podcast is going to be from studio uh your dad's toes bent upwards and he says it makes them easier to bite your dad can't pick up on social cues and he says it makes them easier to bite. Your dad can't pick up on social cues and he always outstays his welcome. The doctor will sometimes ask for the next patient and he'll continue to sit there and try and have a crack with him and the next guy. No matter how far down the line she is.

Your dad thinks white people are just inside out black people. Your dad put his hand up his own arse To puppeteer himself But all the kids at the party said they could see his lips moving You'd blame that they meant to be moving Because he's the puppet but he's still going to have to leave Your dad only eats the biscuit of the Oreo And uses the cream as toothpaste Wow

Spits it out yeah your dad poked the lenses out of his glasses and used them as contacts ow

just putting his eyelids over the top and his bottom underneath really fucking white incapable of blinking can't blink but he can see everything he offers a dishwash underneath. Fucking white. Incapable of blinking.

Can't blink. But he can see everything. He opens the dishwasher and it's game over. Frosted glass for dad time. Your dad hunts spiders with a tiny bow made of paperclip string and toothpicks and every time he kills one he says looks like meat's back on the menu boys.

every time he kills one he says looks like meat's back on the menu boys your dad bit right through his gum shield when he got a glimpse of my arse because he was trying

to bite his tongue call that an arse you know how some people use their finger to get the last of the yoghurt out and suck it off their fingers like a perverted psychopath your dad does that

with the mayo jar your dad your dad can't remember what it was that made him lose his spark but it was around your birthday in 1990 so aye

see you next Monday aye fuck off do an intro at the beginning aye