Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 41 Muggins and Cream Reunited

Episode Date: March 30, 2017

TWO HOUR REUNION SPECIAL After 9 weeks apart and a brief two week break from the podcast while Kai was in Thailand meeting his wife and Sloss still couldn't find any friends, the boys finally reunite in Melbourne and discuss Kai's recent marriage proposal.

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! We're in the same seats.

That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or a magic bean cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? My mam's telling me no.

But my dad... My dad's telling me yes. What does that have to do with Muggles and Cream? It doesn't. I just thought you'd like a song. I know you miss my songs. Well, I was going to do one. What's yours?

Guess Who's Back. Back again. The one I did in episode 5 Alright Fucking nerd You're Mugglepedia And she's not Rich Masara So we're back

Yeah For those of you that Don't listen to the podcast Back again Muggles is back Telling cream Drinking some cream We're a little bit giddy

We haven't seen each other In a long time It's been about what Three months? It's been three months So we've just bumped into each other Literally yeah Like we wanted to make sure

This podcast was as fresh as possible Because we've not seen each other in ages We didn't want to miss out If you've not recorded this I will put a boot through your fucking neck Oh yeah we'll miss that gold So we've tried to have some conversations Over the last five minutes

Where I've been setting up the podcast equipment But we'll keep it up each other And go save it for the podcast. So right, here we are, go. It's actually gone back to Slots and Humphreys

on the road now. We are, we're back on the road. We're back in Slots and Humphreys. In the Mediterranean. No, we're not. No? We're in the Mediterranean.

We're in Australia. We're in Melbourne. Oh, anywhere hot is the Mediterranean. Sorry, Brazil. Where are we? We're in Melbourne. And, yeah, it was a meditation. You're an Australian? No, anywhere hot is meditation. Sorry, Brazil. Where are we? We're in Melbourne. Yeah, it's good.

I've been missing ignoring your jokes. Oh, yeah, rolling them over. Because when I'm with Andrew Stanley, it's hard to tell when he's telling jokes, so I never know when to ignore them. His voice has the rhythm. Hold on, you might have to pause this, because there's...

Hi, Gene. There's your mate. Gene's here. So we're going to have a spliff break. No, I... All right. We're back. Gene is here, being Gene and not head.

I was... First of all, I want to bring up some stuff that you said on the podcast while I was away. I've just little griped. First of all, I do have friends all over the world. Well, your hairdresser's not one of them he's a sworn enemy

he's just fluffy I've just not like I haven't seen you for three months but I didn't know you'd be fucking grown in a Kim Jong Un he's just fluffy up top

you look like the dictator of North Korea North right in my career didn't work because it sounded too much like career We'll edit that out

That's your career to the left I'm just trying to save you by being equally as bad By equally I mean worse So this is also a perfect example of the differences of lives we've led It's 12 in the afternoon You've just asked for a tea and Jean's just brought me a cider

I'm having a green tea Because one of us has been fun for the past three months I've been fun 12 in the afternoon, you've just asked for a tea, and Gene's just brought me a cider. Yeah, I'm having a green tea. Because one of us has been fun for the past three months. I've been fun. Have you? Yeah, I've been spotting strangers on the bench press. You've been spotting them all helping them. There he is.

Who's this cutie? Touching his elbows. So, yeah, I've just been to Paradise. Yeah. That was good. And... I've got been to Paradise Yeah That was good And I've gone to buy mosquitoes Alright The other big news you mean

Not the mosquito news Yeah I got a tan Well yeah You're marrying her I got a tan As a wife Yeah my tan's

marrying us aye I asked her and she said no she said no I asked Natalie to marry us and she said no

straight away to make you laugh it did work it would have made me laugh harder if she'd fully committed to it and left you

then you would have just been sad she did let us sob for five minutes. I don't know why she did. So what happened is, so the short story is, I give her the ring and she said no as a joke

because as the legend has told, she said no. But do you want to hear the story of how I proposed? Not really, but tell it. They do. Muggles.

So how did you do it? Did you cry? Did she cry? Cry? No, I don't think there's any tears. Or tears.

Yeah, so I've known about this for like two months. Since New York. So I filled you in. One last time before you got married yeah

I was like one for the road so I've just spent the last two months basically like trying to get into shape and trying to buy a ring

with cleared funds yeah I didn't want to buy a ring with debt yeah it was Milo Aster like in the beginning of 2015

he was like why haven't you married Natalie yet it's obvious that you're not going to be together forever and ever, IDST. And I was like, Milo, why do you talk like a teenage girl's jotter? And then he drew a heart around it. He just had a journal, will you marry Natalie? Yes, no, circle witch and pass it back.

The question was valid. He was like, why. Will you marry Natalie? Yes, no, circle witch and pass it back. The question was valid. He was like, will you marry Natalie? And I was like, I've got a bit of a beer gut and I've got debt from living a good life. And I just made a decision that I was going to get in shape and out of debt and fucking proposed to her. Just sort of get out of shape and out of debt again. Just give her the little eye of the storm.

I think you just set the bars too high. Like, had you proposed a year ago When you were a fat poor mess Like you could have been like Look baby Only way is up Like We've got the future Now

You've just I rock up with a six pack and a diamond You don't get used to this kid You're like You're like every iPhone You've got like planned obsolation Like this is It's brand new

And it's improved But it's only going to it's approved but it's only going to be this for fucking six months and I'm just stuck going to run really slowly the new iPhone 6 I'm gonna start running slowly that's my big fat cut more of a waddle so you proposed to her in Taiwan so like I was just a proper fucking square for two months uh getting my head down going home early eating my greens and then we'll get to Thailand and I didn't set anything up

for the proposal because I didn't like she was getting there before me I didn't get to scope the place out I just thought I'm going to put the ring

in my pocket and wait for me a moment I don't know if you've noticed this Daniel but I wear very tight shorts these days she just thinks you've got like

a Prince Albert piercing like oh kind of fun with Stanley In fucking part He's got a pierced dick now So I put this fucking Like so The start

Is the ring in a box The ring's in a box Not now Well it's not now It's On her finger Unless she's doing the school run I'm just trying to pick up a dill

So I'm fucking and just trying to pick up a dill so the resort was amazing the resort was fucking incredible you're not worried what happens in Thailand stays in Thailand we're not married anymore we're not engaged anymore so I tried to set up the perfect day

where I was just like you can get like this couples fucking massage treatment thing where it's like two and a half hours and it's jet lag therapy or whatever

where you get fucking exfoliating scrubbing and massaging and hand jobbing and jacuzzi like with the nobby awkward for her watching you get tossed off

just make an eye contact with her or get jacked off and William Marries so she checked the price of the the massages I connect with her I get jacked off William Marius so she checked the price of the the massages

because it's on the luxury resort and she was like oh it's too expensive and I'm just like ah forget about money we've got we've got a little bit

tucked away why don't we just enjoy ourselves and have a good day she's like oh why don't we just wait and get one in Petong where it's like

way cheaper and I was just like because I'm going to propose to you tonight it's fucking fun thanks for the cup of tea Gene will you marry us too

I'm on a roll and we're coming back with our ream we've been on the road for fucking three months just come back so you've got a cup of tea

in every port pretty milky cup of tea that isn't it I don't know it does look Pretty milky cup of tea, that, isn't it? Is it? I don't think... It does look quite milky. Spread the tea bag between six of us. There's only three of us here.

So, because I was texting Natalie, so she's told me... Snitch? I was like, are you sure? Like, are you double sure? And she told me that basically she ruined every single

proposal attempt she had yeah so this is the first one right so the first ones I tried to set up that will have a massage because we've been

fucking travelling all day and she proper legend as well she went straight from a session to the flight like got an Uber straight from being on it

to getting the flight through so it was like I arrived late that night so the next day I thought if she has this spa day that I'd put her

in good stead for a proposal try and put her up with someone else's hands and literally put her up could you put her here for us I'll give you a few quid

and she was just like alright mate I can't I can't be arsed I want to spend the rest of my life with her but not manly not massaging her so she fucking

put the kibosh on the idea of a massage nip that in the bud she was like nah so later on that night we'll get ready, I'll put on all my new threads looking slick as fuck, looking fly as a motherfucker I'll put the all my new threads looking slick as fuck, looking fly as a motherfucker I'll put the ring in my pocket and I just, I don't know why

but I just felt like impossible to keep away from the ring pocket She was like a fucking magpie, she could just sense it So we get to the beach where the tables are and there's these tables like actually on the beach so there's the tables at the restaurant and the outdoor which is on the grass to the beach where the tables are, and there's these tables, like, actually on the beach. So there's the tables at the restaurant and the outdoor, which is on the grass by the beach, by the sea,

because that's how the beach works. And then on the beach. If there's not a sea by the beach, it's a desert. You're lost. That's how that works. So how do I meal in it? Does that... Where's this from?

So when we're walking up, I see these like, kind of four poster bed tables, like, you know, with a can of, can of, canopy,

this, canvas, canopy? Canopy. Cannabis, cannabis. I was high. I'm trying to tell you.

So, there's these like, fucking luxury tables, these romantic tables, and they've got like, fucking lanterns hanging off them and shit, right? And I was just like,

they're the tits, let's get one of them, right? So, Natalie was like, oh, you'lls hanging off them and shit right i was just like they're the tits let's get one of them right so i was just natalie was like oh you'll have to book them in advance i was just like but there's some available so let's just say if we can put them in advance for now so i went up and asked and i was like can we get one of them and she was like you need to book in advance i was like hey how about i book one now for now she's like let's go see my boss and i'm just really wanting to pause time and just like show the ring and she comes back and just goes nah you can't get on

but while she's away Natalie's just trying to like cuddle up like just cuddle us like hold me but I've got this

big bulge sticking into her so I was trying to like put that in front of the ring box so while she's trying to cuddle into us and while the woman's off trying to see

if we can get these romantic tables that Natalie's trying to talk me out of she's like, oh no, it doesn't matter about the romantic tables they're probably a bit more expensive and you have to book them in advance and I'm just like, I'm trying to propose to you, cunt. So to stop her from cuddling into us I sat down at the nearest table

You just went eh no girl gems so I sat down at the nearest table which was just set for on the ring on the ring

is it in your back pocket or your front pocket the ring is in my front pocket so I sat down on the I sat down at the table and she started bollocking us for sitting down

and you've got to wait to be seated you can't just sit down I'm like I'm trying to hide the ring from you so anyway the wife comes back and went

nah you can't have that get in the cheap seats get in the cheap seats for a big day I've come this far on a beach in Thailand

they're having a better time on their birthday they're not even a couple just two mates I was like you called her the wife she's not

the one you're about to propose to did I say the wife yeah like the wife comes back and I'm like no the wife is the one that sat across from me you daft cunt

proposed to the wrong one so we ended up getting seated where I was sat and and then we're on about which wine we want. We got the wine list. And Natalie's favourite wine is Pinot Noir.

And Natalie's favourite wine is from New Zealand. Right. And the most expensive wine on the wine list is a Pinot Noir from New Zealand. Perfect. That thing's fucking perfect. Let's get that. She's like, have you seen the price? It's like 5,000 baht.

It's like, what like 80 quid 100 quid or something expensive for wine especially when you're from blithe they're not expensive for wine when you're about to propose so you're like i'll just pull out the stops so i'm fucking she ended up like going right down the list and getting buck fast then the fucking bloke comes lying Paws me a little slop It's fucking tar bashing it I'm a little swill of it I'm like

Oh that's kind of strong I mean What the fuck's that noise So wait you didn't get the peanut butter Nah I couldn't I couldn't persuade her to get it I just wanted to scream in her face I would have proposed to you

There we are we're fucking whatever it was ripeena I'll be hulking ripeena ripeena with just a shot of

fucking Baileys in it it's cardlin and then so I taste the wine and it tastes pretty rank right and then pour some

pour some for Natalie pour some for me pour some for your homies and then pour some for ODB oh baby I like a raw and then Pour some for Natalie, pour some for me. Pour some for your homies. And then pour some up for ODB. ODB bastard. Oh baby, I like a raw.

And then Natalie tastes the wing. That's not a Pinot Noir. So they brought the wrong one, because we all had Pinot Noir from down the list, right? Oh, the cheaper one. But they brought like, what's the one beginning with M? That's not a Merlot. Malbec. Malbec, brought a Malbec, right?

Natalie noticed that, obviously didn't, because I tasted it, brought to Malbec, right. Natalie noticed I obviously didn't because I tasted it and just went, yeah, sure, that tastes cheap. Makes you want it. So I ordered the wrong wine. Still. So did you send it back? No, because I fucking looked at the bottle

and, aye, that looks like wine. I'll have one. looked at the bottle and, aye, that looks like wine. I'll have one. So, pours the wine

and then after I would finish my mains, the, like, there was still people, like, loads of people around me

and I know Natalie's quite private, she wouldn't like a, a public proposal. She wouldn't like a public proposal. She doesn't want anyone to know. Yeah. Like like she wants

people to tell people oh I'm engaged and they'll go to who and she's like oh I was out in Thailand oh just this guy jolly lad what's he look like

he's a comedian isn't that on Ross Noble good partner you should listen to his podcast and watch any of his videos I want you to hear

why I'm in love with him not see it so we're fucking having this lovely meal and I just thought like we're all a dessert even though we're quite full because we had starters we had a

we got a share-up like this but why don't you let's do what we're going to do for the rest of our life share things individually I just wanted the ring to fit you got it one size too big Let's do what we're going to do for the rest of our life. Share things individually. I just wanted the ring to fit. You got it one size too big. You're talking about a funny story as well.

Like you put it on the ring, it's too big, and you just keep trying to slam her hand in doors so you get some swelling so it finally fits. What are you allergic to? Can you bring that bee over here, please, sir? Funny story. Oh, yeah. About how we got the size of the ring Yeah So

Measured your arsehole So when Now it fits on our wrist I can't have a wedding bracelet by accident I can't clip So The guy says Have you got any photos of her hands

You're like yeah I'm a pervert Let us know what height she is I don't know Natalie's height Can't even go to ballpark She's probably about 5'6 5'4 Nah 5'6 And her breast size is probably 6

I'm going to guess 32 Double C's. Can you get a double C? All right. Gene, you can get double C tits, can't you? You can get double C tits, can't you? No, not you, personally. Oh, yeah.

Women can get them. We're not trying to get you a fucking boob job. Oh, well, she's got two. Sorry, I meant she's got two of them. I meant she's got two C's Yeah It's not just one in the middle I think it's day

Is it a D? Maybe C? I don't know I should know this shouldn't I? No Well I don't pay attention I'm always looking into her eyes I'm looking at her big brown eyes

Never buying Not her big brown Never buying her bras Weirdly You've never bought her bras no? I don't think so I don't think you can buy a girl I bought her bras, no? I don't think so. I don't think you can buy a girl. I bought her underwear before that she's never worn.

What kind? Why did you not warn her? Men's Calvin Klein's, wasn't it? She gives it to me. Chubbing. No, I bought her these candy cane stockings for Christmas. Wait, made out of candy cane? No, like red and white stripes.

When you say candy cane, I thought you meant like it was a fucking cast. Like red and white stripes, like a candy cane there was a fucking cast like red and white stripes it's just like a sugar I was like I'll put my brown sugar on that candy

cane why is your sugar brown she's my brown sugar oh right I thought your jizz was the

wrong colour I know I'll put my white sugar in so right we've got fucking two

stories on here we've got we've paused the story of everything going wrong for my setting up of the proposal. But buying the ring, the guy asked for some photos, right? But luckily, I've got a bunch of photos of her on my iPad because I made a little montage of photos of her,

the music for her birthday. Oh. I want to be with you everywhere by Fleetwood Mac. Right. The photos change as it goes beautiful video yeah so I've got all these

photos of her and then he looks at the picture of her next to the picture of me so you're just showing him this romantic video you made your part

the pictures that I used to make the video we didn't show him the video no no just the ingredients I'm so glad you weren't just there being like

this next picture's good this is about to kick in I wanna be with you weren't just there but like this next bit's good this is about to kick in I want to so I show them this picture of me and her next to each other and he goes she's about 5'8 and I'm like

sure I'm about 5'11 6 foot she looks like she's 5'8 she's about 5'8 give or take an inch aye she does she's wearing heels

what's she fucking I'm just like yeah aye 5'8 she's like 5'8". She's about 5'8", give or take an inch. Aye, she does. She was wearing heels, weren't she? Fucking, I'm just like, yeah, aye, 5'8". She's like, 5'4". 5'5", I don't know.

She did tell us the other day, I'm forgetting already. So, gets a picture of her hand and he's trying to work out by the shape of her hand and the height, like what size she'd be.

And I was like, oh, wait a minute, I've got a photo of her hand next to my hand so you can measure my finger and then work out the proportion. So the photo that I had with my hand next to her hand was when I first started going out with her. And you called her fat.

No, I called her fatly. You called her fatly. And she's not fat. Fatly laying in Kai Plumfries. Yeah, the reason was because that was when you were Kai Plumfries. And also, she's not fat, but fat was when you were Kai Plumfries. And also, she's not fat,

but fat rhymes with nat. So I'm a comedian, two and two, make an insult. She'd barely met you at the time. Yeah. And she was a little bit perturbed.

She was after my man. She's a jealous guy. She's coming into my home eating my bread So me and her In the airport On the way to Amsterdam Sent a selfie of us

Flipping through the bird Yeah Both of us With our middle fingers up And I had to show This really posh doula I like to really Research which doula

Is going to be as well Got a really Top class one In Adelaide Yeah And I had to show This fucking doula Picture of me and her Flipping the bird And I had these two chaps I was going to as well. I've got a really top class one in Adelaide. Yeah. It showed this fucking jeweler picture of me in here flipping the bird

and I had these two chaps. They're in love. So yeah, that was funny. And then you made the ring. No, I made the ring. You did?

I went in, I put an apron on. I love that apron. I was filing, I was bending, I was hammering, I was heating it up. So how do you How do you

Like What Because you didn't make the whole ring There must have been one point They were like That's a triangle You da fuck Well he gives a gold bullion

Like a gold bar thing Right That was going to be the ring And he gives this white gold Like little ingot thing That was going to be the The clasp that holds the diamond For the claws

That holds the diamond And then It was like the generation game where he made one and then he made me go so what we do we like flatten it

using this machine we wind it and then like flatten it again so instead of like flattening it all at once you do like little twists and then I think

we put it through this bendy machine is that the official name of it yeah the bendy machine 3000 So instead of flattening it all at once, you do little twists. And then I think we're putting it through this bending machine. Is that the official name of it? Yeah. The bending machine 3000. Way better than the bending machine. We sawed a little bit off to make it fit at the size and filed it. And then we're...

I can't even remember now. I've got the photos. Fortunately, you won't have to do it again. That was the thing. Why are you learning how to do it is if it's going to become like, oh, I'll need this for the future next one I've got a

what do you call an apprenticeship what's G levels G NVQ G NVQ what's G levels G NVQ what's G NVQ

it's like it's like you know when you do A levels it's a G NVQ not when you do it like with a bit of an apprenticeship where you're doing

like hands on labour as well as learning what the fuck would I know about labour? Or learning. So you made the ring? I made the ring. Big diamond?

Did you pick the diamond? Yes. How? Make sure it was a blood one. So what happens is you're in a budget for what diamond you want and then you'll get a selection of diamonds and there'll be like a colour

so muggly it really is I can't wait to hear my muggle corners for this week oh shit you wrote some aye

I know the dad jokes actually I've made some notes of muggle corners but I've got no dad jokes oh but we can pause and let you do some dad jokes so em the diamond's got like

three qualities to it one's the size one's the colour and one's the clarity. So if you go big and you're in the same budget, you go bigger, you're going to lose some of the clarity or you're going to lose some of the color. So if I go in and go, my budget's this and give them a low number, but I want a carrot, I'm going to end up with this fucking yellow scratch motherfucker.

So you've just got to have a bit of compromise. If you go smaller, it's going to be clearer and whiter. If you go bigger, it's going to look a bit shitty. Yeah.

I got, well, I got half a carat slightly impaired, which means you can see imperfections under a microscope, but not... Oh, just like her. Yeah.

Visually impaired. Slightly impaired and you can see the imperfect under a microscope, but not... Oh, just like her. Yeah. Visually impaired. Slightly impaired, and you can see the imperfections. Slightly impaired. Fucking, you should see the thickness of my conduct. It doesn't even matter. Just get a shot of glass.

Just give me anything. I've got a pebble in my shoe. Just stick that on the ring. Sure, I'll admit. Look how beautiful it is. Just plain as a bat. I mean, look at this. Right, so... And I got it. ring look how beautiful it is just plain as a bat I mean look at this right so

and I got it pretty much as white as you can get second whitest

because I was being ironic so you made the ring you're

sat at the table you've got your little shitty pocket ringing me on that this joke will never get old So you made the ring You're sat at the table Someone comes sat at the table You've got your little Shitty pocket Rolled up your pocket Ringing me on that This joke will never get old

Ordered dessert Even though we're full Because I'm waiting For people to leave Yeah Right Finished my dessert We're both there bloated

Which I have I've got a button undone I had coconut ice cream and she had sticky rice mango rice mango sticky rice yeah that sounds

about right sure so there we are food all over our front got the wrong way I'm waiting for the people to leave around because they finished ages ago

but we stuffed our face we're like challenge accepted motherfuckers it was man versus food so they're getting up to leave and just there

Natalie fucking knocks over a glass of wine boom everywhere I'm like glad it's the cheap stuff so she spills's the cheap stuff. So she spills all the cheap wine at your second choice restaurant with her second choice bottle of wine

with her second choice husband. Right. She's a fiance. So, I picks up the napkin to mop up the wine that she just spilled. Yeah. And she'll say, no, no, no, don't use that because they'll have to throw it out. So, I picks up the napkin to mop up the wine that she just spilled. And she'll say, no, no, no, don't use that, because I'll have to throw it out.

Fucking napkin! It's for all purposes, mopping up spillages. You put that there in case I spill anything. What was she hoping you did, just suck it up off the table? Oh, just leave it there. I don't know, so I'm just there like... And I ended up like... Because she was working in... What's it, not hospitality? Is it hospitality? You don't know your I'm just there like and I ended up like because she was working in

what's it not hospitality is it hospitality you don't know your fiance's job she worked in yeah waitress

in the past and she was like I'll ruin like if it's just a little spillage and dab like some food off your mouth they'll put it through the wash but every now and again

that'll happen and it'll be ruined I'm just like oh I'm not gonna propose to you a fucking spillage on she was scared she was scared I fucking mopped it up

this whole time when she's like so she's she's said she didn't want to spend too much money on the massage on the upgrade of the table

now she's trying to save fucking ten pence half a bat on a napkin I'm like I wish she were there when I was buying the ring she's there

she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's there she's was buying the ring she's there scrimping on everything and every second you're just falling more and more in love with her you'll be like this wedding's gonna be cheap as shit

I'm like my life is about to get economic it is actually a good sign of things to come she's willing to go for the cheapest

lowest grade shit but the fact that we're in like a five star resort in Thailand, we're already getting as far as you could get to luxury. Yeah. To just leave the finesse touches out right at the very end. So I mopped up, and then I bought a diversion jewellery.

So when I got there, because I thought I just bought her a really nice gift in an engagement ring, but I couldn't give her that right away because I'm not just going to get off the flight, stink the BO and just put that on your finger. Your mug. Look, he cunt. I think I've called Natalie a cunt so many times on this podcast that I'm not engaged anymore.

I don't mean to be a really love you. That's him talking to me Natalie I didn't realise the mic was still on actually oh god I thought I'd paused it so he could guess Jean

sorry for those of you that can't see the podcast which is all of you except me Jean just brought me another cider I mean I will drink it Sorry, for those of you who can't see the podcast, which is all of you. Except me. She just put me on the side. I mean, I will drink it.

What time is it? Because my watch is wrong. Who cares? It's about half twelve, I reckon. Yeah, on a Tuesday? Wednesday? Yeah, on a Tuesday. Wait and say hi. And we'll go for some lunch after this. That's what we'll do.

We'll go for some lunch after we do a bit of catch up. And then we do the rest of the podcast after lunch because it'll give you time to write your dad jokes and stuff. Oh cool, I'm glad you told them that A little bit of admin You're the one that was asking the fucking time I'm sorry you got bored during your own fucking proposal story, fucking

yawning halfway through the most magical moment of your life allegedly Oh am I nearly done? fucking proposal story fucking yawning halfway through the most magical moment of your life allegedly oh am I nearly done so er I mopped up the wine

alright wait if I've got to leave and then I give an extra five minutes hoping that someone will come along and clear up my dishes I didn't think dishes

were a very good romantic setting but no one came and cleared the dishes conversation dried up I've got nothing more to say to you

do you want to spend the rest of your life with me I bought a diversion gift right I bought a diversion gift I bought this necklace and bracelet It was fucking really nice To the point that

A bracelet that was measured off the sides of your arse The necklace and bracelet set Was so nice that she didn't believe That I'd picked them myself. Oh, really? Yeah, she thought I'd enlisted Jimmy. Oh, I thought you were having an affair. Yeah.

I stole them from a one-night stand. Oh, so what an insult that is to Jimmy. Jimmy actually helped us pick the ring. Did he? Yeah, showed us the materials showed us where the showed us where the factory was clocked me in

made you practice proposing on him now can't you do it one more time genuine tears in his eyes because he'll never have that moment so that was a diversion you distracted her

with other shiny things I had to like come along and just go hey I got you a present because then if I it would be like I feel like

even though you're not expected to buy a present when you're going to hold her with your partner I've been away for fucking nine weeks it's like a nice thing to do is bring her a gift

so it would have been you've not seen her for ages and sex isn't going to make up for it so you've got to do something so I bought her a pearl necklace it wasn't pearls

do people wear pearl necklaces these days I don't know why I'm looking at Gene do people wear pearl necklaces it's not a pearl necklace it was a nice glass I think it was made of glass you actually did I got it for my break

I think it was a fan belt you got one and you just stole it from Nick Cody And it just says Crusher on it It's a crusher necklace So I I went

I've bought you I've bought you another gift And then she went Have you And I went yep And then I got the box Out of my pocket And handed it away

And because I don't know The box It was like Oh my god wait you didn't get down on one knee no

doesn't count you didn't get down on one knee I got up on two tiptoes to kick her away I got up on the yellow pages held up held up some mistletoe

wrong tradition I didn't get down on one knee you didn't get down on one knee I think there's something like well my marriage is like an equal relationship isn't it you're getting into a partnership not a fucking oh please wrong tradition I didn't get down on one knee you didn't get down on one knee I just think there's something like it

well my marriage is like an equal relationship isn't it you're getting into a partnership not a fucking oh please

I didn't say get down on two knees I wasn't saying you were groveling I don't have to crawl up to her though no no you don't

start like far away on one knee and then like crawl to have you done lunges I've got so quads now it's rest day fucking rest day I've got so quads now it's rest day

fucking rest day I'm not gonna lunge on a rest day sounds like you skipped leg day on your fucking engagement so eh

you just threw it across the table like you were splitting a bell there you go you mug so I put the box in my hand and just open it

and then like so what did I say I can't none of us can remember what I said none of us both of you me here

I bet you know I wish you hadn't waited until all those people people that was can I get a witness excuse me

did I say something nice there I did ah good grant because I had the moral dilemma the intellectual dilemma if I wouldn't say would you

marry me because i'm a geordie i would say would you marry us and you kind of be like oh what do you marry is like oh yeah man what do you marry is that way away man so i couldn't say would you marry me because i sound like i'm fucking doing elocution lessons and i couldn't say when you marry this because i sound like a chav So I was like Go on then What do you reckon And then just stood up And showed him

And then just showed him What you got What do you reckon of this You want to keep it forever You want this dick You want to keep putting this In and out of your mouth You'll have to respond

Even sometime after Dirty like this dick you want to keep putting this in and out of your mouth she'll have to respond even sometime after dirty and she said no and she still technically hasn't said yes

she said she was joking when she said no she didn't say the words yeah I don't think you're engaged you didn't get down on one knee.

I think I've been robbed. She's just flown back to Scotland with jewellery. A ring that you made a fucking necklace and a bracelet. She never said yes at any point. She bought me a pair of goggles. Is that in your eyes when I went swimming in the morning? I think I've been ripped off. So, you know, carrying that ring, right?

Like, from the minute I get it, to going back to the accommodation in Adelaide, to going to the gig and leaving it in the apartment, and just the constant worry of it being in my possession and not wanting to lose it, and travelling with it. Man, I queued like a muggle for the flight and just the constant worry of it being in my possession and not wanting to lose it and travelling with it. Man, I queued like a muggle for the flight because I didn't want to have me bagged miles away from where I was. Oh, really?

Oh, my God. She's made you a muggle. She fucking... Mate, I have been muggle every step of the way on this. There's no way to get married without being a muggle. Fuck it, yeah. It's a muggle institution. Fuck it, yeah.

I can't believe you queued. That was the first ever muggle corner Fucking yeah I can't believe you queued That was the That was the first ever Muggle corner I put it in But I wanted to be In the other bag Because I didn't want to Lose the ring

Slip with one eye open With the ring Keep it open In a matchstick So em Yeah So I carried that around for three days.

It was a couple of days before I travelled. You didn't just leave it in the hotel? Oh no, sorry, the travelling, right. So full travel day, it's in the accommodation so I'm fucking double checking the doors are locked as I leave fucking everything. I'm constantly worried about this possession that I have. And then when I hand it to her, I was like,

thank God for that, at least I don't have to carry that around for the rest of my life oh oh oh that would be a treacherous existence oh so and now

do you want to hear something else ugly that I did oh of course ask the dad I so obviously the Oh, of course. Ask the dad. So obviously, Jean's going to cry. What a fucking muggle.

Jean, you would bawl if you heard the letter. Do you have the letter? Yeah, because you had to email. Do you have it? Where's my phone? Hold on, go find your phone. I would never ever ask the permission.

Well, that's what I am. Mainly because my mum has got two sisters and both of my uncles went to my grandad and was like, meanwhile to me, if you could give me your blessing tomorrow at your door. And my dad didn't. And I was asking my dad why, and he's like,

because it's not fucking up to him. Like, I love this woman. Like, I'm marrying your daughter. Get fucking used to it or get fucked. It's kind of a formality, though, isn't it? Well, yeah, but she's not property. It's like... You can't be like, look, I liked it last.

It's like, you know, when I go to order a coffee, right, I'll say, can I have an Americano, please? I don't say, give us that now. Point of the coffee. Yeah, but look, if you've had the coffee for ages, you know. Like, he made the coffee, like, ages ago, but he's not drinking it. And he's like, you hold the coffee for ages, and you've been allowed to sip it for a while. If he was there to

just the last sip you go oh can I finish this? He's like yeah I don't want it anymore clearly. Well I felt because he's quite old school. He's traditional. Like it's I'm sure he probably swears. I love how you're sitting there

trying to give me a hard time saying oh it's tradition you fucking emailed the can't that's what they've done since the moment you probably put fucking emojis

in it can I please marry your daughter crying face crying face right so yeah because like I wouldn't

I wouldn't swear in front of Natalie's dad I don't know like I'm sure he swears maybe's dad. I don't know. I'm sure he swears. Maybe he doesn't. I don't know. But I just feel like he's an old school gentleman.

So I thought he's got one daughter, and it would probably be nice for him to receive the letter asking for his daughter's hand in marriage. But you couldn't do a letter because your hand ran shit, so you emailed him. So I sent him a Bebo. I put him in my top 16 friends on MySpace. Are you getting comfortable?

Oh, I cannot. Yeah, because I know about the letter because you told me about it and obviously wrenched you on our WhatsApp group about the whole thing, but I've not heard the letter. Also, is this not, before we go into this, is this not a massive breach of private? Will Natalie be pissed off that but I've not heard the letter. Also, is this not, before we go into this,

is this not a massive breach of private, will Natalie be pissed off that you're about to read the letter? Yeah. Yeah, because this is a really private letter. I'm just, I'm just giving the, I'm just like,

I'm sure that he doesn't listen to me podcast. Even if he does, he gets my sense of humour and understands I'm really candid and frank about everything. No. But you're still not going to swear in front of him? Dear Bobby.

You couldn't even call him Robert. I was being matey. Alright, Bobby. See your door He's it To dad Question mark Will you adopt me

Can I ask What was the subject title What was the subject FWD, cool on. You should rate this. From Jimmy McGee. And it's all on a quote level. It's purple on the quote level.

Dear Bobby, greetings from Adelaide. I'm having a fantastic time here performing in the sunshine. He didn't ask. You've just interrupted his day. I'm also going straight in with a lie. I'm having a fantastic time here

performing in the sunshine At night in a room Although I must say I am missing home I don't even have a home Honestly though I mean every word of everything I say This is such a bunch of privacy You don't have to read it, nobody's making you I can hear them screaming at the podcast right now

I was going to read it Oh yeah, that's fair Greetings from Adelaide, I'm having a fantastic time here performing in the sunshine, although I must say I'm missing home I hope all is very well back in Scotland I'm writing to you today to ask for your permission to ask Natalie to marry me Oh, by the way, the subject was a question about a question

Oh, that's sweet I'll give you that one I'm writing you today to ask for your permission to ask Natalie to marry me. Oh, by the way, the subject was a question about a question. Oh, that's sweet. I'll give you that one. I'm writing you to today to ask for your permission to ask Natalie to marry me. As you know, Natalie and I are flying to Thailand next week

and it feels like the perfect time and setting to ask her. I have chosen a beautiful diamond which I know she will adore and the jeweler is now waiting on my clearance to mount it and make her engagement ring.

I'm making myself. Natalie is the single most wonderful person that has ever walked into my life. Rude. I bet you knew I was never going to hear this. I wouldn't have Bobby felt equally as dejected. I'm not like me. Are you genuinely gutted?

I'm pissed off. Natalie is the single most wonderful person to have ever walked into my life. Daniel, you've ran into my life. You barged through that door. Gave you the money to pay for the fucking ring. She is the single most wonderful penance.

I mean, wonderful, yeah, give me that one. To have ever worked in my life. We make each other so unbelievably happy. Do I do? Tell me which one of these sentences you're talking about Natalie that doesn't apply to me. Okay, let's do this again.

Dear Leslie, Dear Leslie, Queen of Madness. apply to me. Okay, let's do this again. Dear Leslie, Greetings from Adelaide. This is to your mum. Dear Leslie, greetings from Adelaide. I'm having a fantastic time here before the sunshine, although I must say I'm missing home. I hope all is well back in Scotland. This is still to Leslie.

I'm writing to you today to ask for your permission to ask Natalie to marry me. Weird. So it breaks at that point. I might need a day to ask for your permission to ask Natalie to marry me weird right yeah so it breaks at that point we make each other so unbelievably happy I want us to commit

to keeping this arrangement going forever right same it would be an absolute honor to spend my days ensuring she has the best possible experience in all of her endeavors

and supporting her through everything that life may throw her away right which is what we've done for the last eight years I have known for a long time now that Natalie is the woman I'd like to spend the rest of my life with as in supporting her through everything that life may throw her way. Right, which is what we've done for the last eight years. I have known for a long time now that Natalie is the woman I'd like to spend the rest of my life with. All right, fair one, not that one. The decision to wait until now has also been down to me finding myself on a new career path.

The risks I have taken professionally are now paying off and giving me stability, security, and the direction that my businesses need to thrive. A great deal of this has come from Natalie's belief in me, which constantly drives me forward. But then again, she also believes in star size. What does she do? She believes in the little mermaid. I feel confident that offering

her marriage would now be the offer of a true partnership. I'm very lucky that she appears to love and accept me regardless of however my career may have worked out, but I held out to offer her what she deserves rather than what she would accept. If it helps with my sales pitch, I feel

I could make excellent contributions to many of Christmas Jigsaw football. I couldn't think of a better possible future than joining such a wonderful family as yours. So, Mr. Ling, please may I have yours and Mrs. Ling's permission and blessing to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage. I wait with eager anticipation for your response. Yours sincerely,

Darren. Yours sincerely, Kai. Please, TB. Darren you're sincerely Kai please TP do you like that Gene is it a good message what did he say what did he reply he said no

just so Danny would laugh and then said he was joking but never really said yes he said it was great Tyron because Celtic had just equalized. Rangers had just equalized against Celtic. He's a Rangers fan. And he was like, he was positively buoyant because of the result. So if they'd lost, you would have been single.

I think so. So I was thinking what I could have wrote to whom it may concern to sir or madam I want to marry your daughter and I know she

said she'll say yes because she is I've seen her great some unthinkable things. I mean, I'll be honest with you. This is the lowest thing she's great at. Yes, sir. I feel like I can unravel

some of the damage you have done. And you can say there's no damage, but she's been fucking me for seven years so clearly you did something wrong and I'm not phoning the police so how about we agree? I know her like the back of my hand when I push it down on the top of her head.

I know her like she knows the back of my hand. Piers, could you tell me her name? I feel like I've known her too long now to ask. I just know her as Sugar Plum from when we met at Spearmint Rhino. Well, congratulations. Thanks. So, aye.

I got a dance permission and hairs. No. Everyone's just like, aye. Do what you want. Free reign. Here's a kiss to the city. I'm just on a roll.

Who's going to ask me people? Fucking get out if you didn't ask. Shy Benz. So, now we're going to get married. Aye, well, I've done things too. What have you been up to?

I went to a sex hotel. You took your eyes off us for two minutes? You went to a sex hotel? I went to a sex... Is that where we are now? Aye. I thought that was the washing machine I'm just charging up Gene's vibrator

The petrol generator On Gene's dildo I can't tell if you're Shaking your head Or you've got it in I do feel so bad for Gene Because we've had We went to a wedding

a couple of weeks ago in Byron Bay which was absolutely you've been to two weddings since I've seen you yeah I went to Cody's and that's why I proposed just so I got a chance to see you

it's the only place I'll show face we've had a lovely like because we were in Byron Bay together and then we were in Brisbane for a bit and then I went off and did Tasmania

and we've been here for the past three days in this very small apartment where we awkwardly had to pretend to be a couple when we came in because it was only meant to be booked for me and then she got the job at the festival. So to save her having to look for fucking expensive accommodation,

turned up, the guy's like, it's a single bed. We're like, oh, that's fine. We have sex all the time. We'll love each other. This is my boo. Single bed? Well, not a single bed. It's a double, yeah. Well, a single room. we're like, oh, that's fine, we have sex all the time, we'll love each other, this is my boo. Single bed? Yeah, well, not a single bed.

It's a double, yeah. Well, a single room. A single room. And we've been dead nice to each other for the past three weeks and now you've turned up. She's getting marked for the next month. Three in a bed and the little one's head moving. Oh, right, shall we pause this, go get some lunch and then come back

Shall we celebrate? Yeah, let's go get you a bit tiddly Right then Let's go get you a wee tiddly Everyone, wait there When I say muggins, you say cream You have to say muggins Cream

You fucking asshole muggins cream we're drunk no we aren't what do we get it was like some fucking greek ansato mojito what the lubab greek mojito please he just put his chicken on a stick what, the kebab? Yeah, I was like, Greek mojito, please. He just put his chicken on a stick. We went out to the Greek Centre in Melbourne, which is the venue that Gene is working in,

this festival. There's a really good rooftop bar. And then we ordered a cocktail for three and it came out in like a little, in fact, a big fucking jam jar. And then we poured that in and then we're like can we get another one of those and they clearly saw how fast we drink and brought out the largest martini glass it was a fucking super martini glass i felt like i'd shrunk yeah and just

put five straws in it even though there's only three of us because i reckon they were like god i hope these pricks have some friends that are arriving because if they drink this all by themselves we might have a problem. So, Melbourne has started. We're off the blocks. Nine. Got a taste of night as well. Yeah, we do. We've got a podcast to record as well.

We don't want to be too drunk for that. No, no. Got to remain fucking professional. I do realise as well, because obviously this podcast is now done in fucking increments. It is a longer one. For those of you expecting us to be doing your dad jokes immediately, it's not.

This is a special two-hour podcast because it's been so long since we've seen each other. It's been three months since we've seen each other, so we allowed ourselves one extra hour. Because that's how much you missed. And then we'll get back onto our regular scheduled thing.

So, wait, a little recap. What have we done? I've been betrothed to be wed. Yeah. I went to a sex hotel. Yeah, you didn't get too much into that. No, I can talk about it. It kind of comes up in Muggle Corner later on, but we can talk about it now.

Okay, I just say I'm set list. So I've been running, for the podcast listeners, I don't know, I've been running set list for the last three years, so I haven't had a chance to do a set on it. But Fred set it up so Mickey D would host it, and then Lindsay Webb would host it, and then I and then i would sell it's just like improvised stand up you go on stage and there's a screen behind you and you're not allowed to do any of your own jokes they just give you a sort of topic title and you have to do a set on that as if it's been

your set for several years so uh i had a set this topic over nurturing dominatrix and i was like do you want to come back to me I've got a sex swing I'll push on it I hadn't done it for years I was like it's the only time I've ever seen I was really nervous

before I did it any comedian regardless of how long they've been going when they do setlist there is always just a little bit nervous because you've got

as a comic normally the reason I don't get nervous before i go on stage is because i know my jokes are good i've done them enough times that and that's not an arrogant way i've seen these i've told these jokes 100 times they've gone down well 98 of those times when you get the hang of a good joke as well you know how to recover it if it starts going sour so you know how to like you've got the punch lines to fall back on you know how to back like you know how to like repair it if you realize how you've set it up wrong. Anyway, so a set list, you just saw the fear of the unknown. But I went in like over cocky.

Like Lindsay Webb, come up to this before you, he's like, are you going to smash it? And I was like, I mean, I'm here anyway, I might as well. And he brought us on, I had a great one. It's like, phew. When I come up up I was like I'm glad that went well because when I

when I was cooking at the beginning I had no confidence I had to do the Melbourne Gala last week and which is it's going out

soon the Oxfam one I was told to do my gay penguin material on it I've done it on Conan I didn't want to do it but I was advised

by you know my behind the scenes people that were like you know it's I've done it on Conan. I didn't want to do it, but I was advised by, you know, my behind the scenes people. They were like, you know, it's a good routine. It's gay marriage isn't legal in Australia. It's a story and it's a great joke.

When's someone going to explain to Australians that all marriage is gay? It's so gay. Like, yeah, that's the thing. All marriage is gay. Like, and that's not,

I just mean in the sense that, look, you, what? You want would invite all your friends around you wouldn't invite your girlfriend's dad around you want to watch you kiss her you really grow up you want to really plan it you want to put so much effort in everyone dresses nice and smells good i just want all my friends to come around uh and just so they can

listen to me tell the person i love how much I love them. All marriage is gay, which is why it should be illegal across the world. I was telling you in the elevator as well about Natalie saying no as a joke, about how I'm going to long play that, and then when they go, you may kiss the bride. Nah. The gala's great, but it's like a three-hour fucking recording, and I'm on dead last. I'm headlining the gala, which but it's like a three hour fucking recording and I'm on dead last like I'm headlining

the gala which is not what it is but I am like it's just they put you in an order everyone does four minutes each but I was on last

therefore I headlined the gala so everyone else can suck a dick I headlined the fucking gala subordinate yeah all my support acts were great but by that time

the audience is very fucking tired but what's worse is I go on and I do the joke and it goes great the audience were great and I was great but there were 20 comics on that bill 9 of them had done

stuff obviously mentioned in gay marriage and how it's illegal in this country which is great but by the time I go on I'm like isn't it weird that gay marriage isn't legal the audience is just at that point like we know we get it

what a surprise a liberal comedian oh yeah at that point I think the best thing I could have come on and been like look

do we trust them to get married we know because people always say the thing about gay marriage is it the way the bigots argue is it'll ruin marriage

for everyone else and you know what I'm inclined to agree because I've been to a gay wedding and it's way better than the straight ones I've been to. I went to Reese and Carmen's engagement party. They can't get married, so they could only have an engagement party.

And that was better, or maybe not better than Nick Cody's one, but better than a lot of weddings I've been to. So shout out Nick Cody who done the Conor McGregor Billy walk. The Conor McGregor billionaire walk down the aisle. He sent us a lot of weddings I've been to. Shout out Nick Cody who done the Conor McGregor Billy walk. The Conor McGregor billionaire walk down the aisle. He sent us a video of that. I was like,

fucking what a dude. So, for those who've not listened to the podcast before, oh no, I was going to tell the sex dungeon. So, obviously, you won't remember this because you've been in a relationship for seven years, but there's a thing called regular sex with other people where you can just have fun.

Like, we all agree sex is fun, and you've decided it's only good with one person, which is a weird concept to take, but well done. I mean, I've suggested it to other people, too. Yeah. Whereas I like having sex. She just wants a little dude. Selfish. I'm gay.

Greedy guts. Her pussy's bigger than her belly. dude selfish oh gay greedy greedy guts her pussy's bigger than her belly which is surprising because all this spunk's just been swallowing oh no

oh I mean if this is the only podcast you're in-laws listen Natalie stay engaged to me please alright Natalie please stay engaged to me please

alright Natalie please stay engaged to him I don't want him back I've been with him for four hours only like him in small doses which is I guess why you fuck him and about that dose

you might want some antibiotics so there's a girl I met she'll remain nameless even though she won't mind like she listens to the podcast I met she'll remain nameless even though she won't mind like she listens to the podcast I know she listens to the podcast

she's a fan we're just friends hi Barbara oh man can you imagine saying the name Barbara during sex

there's some names that you can't oh Barbara oh yeah Barbara can you imagine like being a chicken fucker a guy called Dazza oh give it to me Daz

take off your bra bra bra bra bra bra bra bra bra man take off your bra bra bra man take off your bra bra bra man this podcast is such he's going to shit we shouldn't have went to lunch we should

so look this podcast is such he's going to shit we shouldn't have went to lunch we should so I'm look here's my opinion on sex god it's good happy to be there no matter how many times

I had sex always still thrilled I think it's the best thing in the world I'm always grateful oh so thankful it's like you could be doing this for anyone

lucky old me so I've never really had to I've got stuff that I'm into but then if you're into anything as long as it's not too weird I'll give it a go like if you're into something I'll give it a bash, if you like getting bashed

I'll give you a bash and this girl I hooked up with she was into like the you know the sub dom thing which I didn't understand what that was sub is submissive dom is dominant and it's like one of you is like dominant when he says

submissive and she was like what do you want to be and I was like I've never I got tied to a bed once and I nearly kicked the girl in the jaw because it was I was just I've got serious trust issues and it wasn't by anything big I was just if I've got serious trust issues. Yeah, you're deluded. No. And it wasn't by anything big.

If I get tied to a bed, I'm like, I will... I've got stuff in my house, you're going to rob me. I didn't think I'd be comfortable doing the battering. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not.

You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not.

You're not, you're not. No, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not.

You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not.

You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're not, you're not. You're Cheney Spoon that? I give him a wedgie. Oh, Cheney Spoon is on the podcast. Oh, yeah. I gave her a wet willy

and then she gave me one. Say uncle. Say daddy. So, so, there's, you can get, there's,

I would be constantly asking if they're alright. Oh, so that's, I've always been bad at it. Like, I've had girls, I've had girls be like, I want you to joke me. I'm like, my mother raised me too well. Oh, so that's, I've always been bad at it. Like, I've had girls that have been, Oh yeah, right though. I've had girls be like, I want you to joke me, I'm like,

my mother raised me too well, like, I can't, I can't do it. Like, and then they get pissed off when you get them in, like, a sleeper hold, like, apparently. Got me in a full Nelson.

Been doing jits. But she wanted to go to this, it's like an Airbnb, but for, like, perverts. So it's basically just, It's an Airbnb. And I had all the

the and we go in there and like already the second we walk in there there is a level of like kink that we're not

comfortable with like we're like oh look there's like a bit where you can you know tie you down that'll be good

that dildo's got a bayonet that dildo's got another seven dildos attached to it there was one time we walked in there was a dildo on a... Oh no, it's a spider.

I forgot we're in Australia. There was a dildo on a pneumatic drill. Like one of them with two handles? No, you're right, that's not what I meant that's awful no like I don't know what it is

it's just like a pump like a big one yeah a big old one and there was like ones where it was like clearly gas masks

that you like fart into so immediately the second we walk in we're like yeah like some people are into

being farted like some people haven't being farted. Some people haven't smoked my farts. Natalie would die. I've got free chillies on me. If you fart in anyone's mouth, they're going to have wet lips. Oh, I had a chronic investigation.

Oh, yeah, you got fisticuffs. Irrigation. Chronic interrogation. Singing like a canary. Where's the watch, Cindy? Oh, yeah. So why? I just want to wash.

On the insides? I get washed on the outside all the time. For three years I haven't washed my insides. But that's what your insides do naturally. No, it's the opposite Those were shit Yeah but then pushes out naturally So what do they do? Put a hose up your bum?

Well You do it yourself What? So when did you go into the shop? I was in the shop I was just Dude's gone I ruined his kid's birthday

That's what you Your arsehole was like a dog Snapping at a sprinkler I remember I was still out from the night before I was climbing up on the fence He was like Here's the clown

Next thing you know There's kids crying There's a horse pipe bar In the neighbourhood Horse pipe bar means I'm not allowed there So I went in

so this is like a new age one like so bollocks the old one's like a fucking the woman stays with you the whole time

and fucking I mean could be a bloke probably a woman you know I feel like it'd be a lot more comfortable about

getting a clonic off of a bed I don't think I don't think I don't think gender masks I know equality's in there but there's some jobs

where you just think I'd much rather a bedless day I just want a bit of bedside manner I don't want some fucking dude I also think

that applies to women like I don't think it's like normally you'd be like and women probably want a man to and you're like nah you probably don't

like you definitely don't want a guy like if a woman mechanic come to sort my car out I'd be like oh she clearly knows what she's doing oh yeah

to get where she is in that business she must be the fucking best the same as if there's a doorman that's like five foot six you're just like he's hard as fuck

because he's been against the odds to get that job so but yeah in that situation where you need a little bit of

bedside manner. Any white Olympian. A woman's touch. A white man 100 metres. You're like, you have went the extra mile.

Wow, Jesus. I mean, you were probably on steds actually. Also, if you went the extra mile during 100 metres,

you missed a point. And he gets to the 9.6 seconds and he's still going. Greg! Greg! It's done! Where are you going?

It's so cold, Greg. We need that part of the course for the triple jump. Oh, this is fucking great. I mean, you won, but you spoiled the triple jumps. So, Kalanick, you go in, right? Basically, the way she put it was... Up your bum. Sideways.

She said, it's like a toilet for em it's like a five star toilet it's like that's fucking not it's like a toilet for like a pro like

if you could design a toilet to be the best possible toilet it's this right so it's just water on your bum so it's

it's like a throne right right and it's got like this toilet seat but you're like kinda sitting in an incline you're not like

lying on your back and you're not sitting up straight right but you're sitting in an incline and then there like lying on your back and you're not sitting up straight but you're sitting in an incline and then there's like it's like how far an airplane chair goes back

a bit further thanks for the noise a little like if you're allowed to reclaim it while it was taken off but they don't let you do that one or the other so you can reclaim it

while it's taken off it's about that that reclaim and you put it up yourself you put this little pipe and it's tiny it's a little leathery reclaim and you put it up yourself you put this little pipe and it's tiny it's like a little finger but it goes up your

up your keister up your keister me too so she's like you've got to put that up your bum and I'm like is that it why am I spending

all this money have you not got anything bigger please if I cough this is going to fall out it's going to funnel on it You have the white end in my arsehole You're like one of them pumping ones from the dungeon

So you claim on And then She turns the gas on Out of the water You take gravity fed It's not a pump It's gravity fed So it guns up your butt right And it's like gravity fed it's not a pump it's gravity fed so it gallons up

your butt right and it's just water the water's flowing gravity flow so it's not much at all it's just like a kind of

slow trickle and it fills you up and then you get this urge to spew out your bum oh poo

for any doctors listening bum spews but then you're like you're a little bit like oh should I let go should I not should I keep on

you're like beer you're beer bonging yeah bonging your ass and then your ass just spews like proper whiteys like

yeah everything comes out there all the poo the first wedding ring you bought Natalie That you lost There's a condom full of backy A condom full of backy

You don't need to smuggle backy You've only allowed 50 cigarettes in Australia To smuggle an extra two packs Oh there's two packs so so what's weird is like so it pumps the water up your arse

but the shit comes out around it how's that weird I don't know I thought it would be like one tube in one tube out well there's two tubes in

no there's one tube in right so how logically could the shit go in there if one's going up your arse the rest like because tube in, one tube out. Were there two tubes in? No, there's one tube in. Right, so how logically could the shit go in there if one's going up your arse? The rest, like, because it goes around the tube, you, like, shit around it. Yeah.

Because that's up. Yeah. I just thought, like, I thought it would block the shit from coming out. I thought it was just going to fill us up, but, like, oh,

it's going to come up my eyes and the ass. So you just start, like, shitting it out and you can, like, you can kind of clench on and keep it for a bit but you start feeling a bit full

And you have to let go And you just You feel bloated It's weird You feel a bit bloated And you can like Push your tummy in that And then you just lie there

For about 45 minutes Two an hour 45 minutes You just lie there Just get your insides Just washed out And you can't So wait

Are you just like Shitting down like All your crack And it's like It's into a toilet So you're like You're kind of lowered Into a reclaimed toilet So it doesn't go anywhere So you just shit Before you put like A little blank into a toilet so you're like you're kind of lowered into a reclaimed toilet

so it doesn't go anywhere Jesus shit before he puts like a little blanket over your knees and you put like a little bean bag on you a little heated bean bag one of the microwave bean bags

you get an epidural do you yeah and she she strokes your brow and asks how you feel then she leaves the room she puts some fucking candles on and then he took the candle

actually it would have been a fucking nightmare if I said fight the joint I did because I would be trying to be wet now I mean because and the joint. I did, because I was reaching for my water. I mean, because you would be the only thing that could put it out. Just fucking fire and water over my ass. The candle.

So you can look down on the floor. There's the paper, and you can have a look. It's up to you. I guess it's not everyone's cup of tea. I think they'll have a look. But you obviously did. I don't know why I was taking videos. Snapchatting it to me mum.

I'm just watching how the fucking floaters go. Bits of Lego, five-pen piece. There's a knife. I was wondering where my shoelace went. Your pacemaker.

Oh no, it's gone too deep my lung oh my tooth my mouth my mouth's bleeding my mouth's bleeding after such a tooth float

by in the pipe a rabbit's foot the rest of the rabbit. So, right. So, fucking 20 minutes go by right now watching Ali's actually look like rabbit dottles. This is like little

dottles of poo. What do you mean dottles? Dottle. Like a little rabbit dottle. Like a little bean poo. A little coffee bean. A little rabbit poo. Who calls them dottles? This nigga. rabid doll like a little bean bean poo oh like coffee bean right a little rabbit poo who calls

them dolls this nigga leaving it in and then it just starts going clear and clear and clear and i'm just like watching clear water and i'm just like well that's the end of that All I'm doing now is just like Flushing water through us But like it's not even dirty water How far up is this? It's normal

I don't know It's like three centimetres or something Not even much Yeah but how far is the water going up? Like all the way? It's just like trickling up So like your intestines What like a foot long or something?

Six inches? I thought your intestines were like a mile long, isn't that the... It's not your intestine though, is it? What did I just say there? Colon, you're talking about your colon. Colon, yeah, it's a colon. So I was just like, oh, so I'm done then. And thought I was just wasting time for 20 minutes.

And then all of a sudden I started like feeling a bit of a rumble. And then fucking this portal from hell just opened and all these demons started floating through the tube. And I'm just watching fucking Beelzebub just fucking swim and run. A couple of ringwraiths. Fucking Sormon. I think, oh, fuck.

Oops. Dark matter. And that's when I felt like I'd get my money's worth because I was like, I've been carrying that around. That black fucking mist but is that not meant to be like I'll have to ask my dad

but I really feel like colonoscopies are pseudoscience well they call it hydra without being really hydrating apparently well that's the thing if they ever name

something very sciencey chances are it's not fucking sciencey but you know what I didn't feel too different after it I didn't feel um better or worse it took us three days before i had a poo and

what really tell us that was gonna be a meteor came outside like this guy's got artillery bring your best men so they come to war so I freed here freed Israel got into the joint I've never called the joint before how long were you in there for?

45 minutes it was a stretch I'm just kidding it was only 2 inches wide it wasn't a stretch at all. But that is. So I did a couple of little things. A couple of bits and bobs.

I got me keystab douched. I got a manzillion. A brozillion. A what? Bro wax. Bro biz? No. Back second crack.

Except not me back. There's baldy in it. No. I got me ass crack waxed How was it? The fucking most painful thing That's ever happened No

I read that it was They were a piece of piss Compared to getting a wax Like so is it I mean that's not So right They're putting the wax on like Did you do the

There was no fucking about either right So I went in with this Massive fucking ginger bush right Proper undergrowth Honestly it was fucking fauna. It was a habitat, man. I went in, I had my fucking plan of permission. And shit.

Because genuinely, right, I had this little concern, right, because I'd been away from my girlfriend for nine weeks or eight weeks because it was the week before I went on holiday. I thought, like, human contact would just make us fucking just get rock hard. I was worried about getting a bone at you and me wax. Turns out that's not what I'm into.

It turns out being fucking tortured. Doesn't get you off. It's like genuine torture. So you're not a sub? So she's just chatting away, like, oh, what are you doing in Australia? Oh, are you a comedian? Tell us a joke. Fucking tough gig.

Just chatting away fucking no oh this is going to sting a little bit just whack right and just fucking my eyes just come out on stalks I was like I was like oh yeah bit of bedside manner

even taking fucking hundreds of years of repression out on me even taking feminism out on me I'm one dude I'm actually doing my best doing my best for the cause and fight the good me I'm one dude I'm actually doing my best doing my best for the cause fighting the good fight

I'm an ally I'm on your side what do you think I'm doing here solidarity so just to mention away and I got to a point

where I realised like if the only way I could stop from being like really tortured is laughing so every time she ripped the strip I realised like if the only way I could stop from being like really tortured is laughing so every time she ripped the strip

I was like ha ha ha ha ha I just saw the whole name laughing like a fucking evil genius you must have

come over as a proper psycho like I bet she was at that point being like this fucking prick can't

afford the brothel it's ticklish oh man like cause I cause you and I are both people that well pre this we shave our buttholes yes each others ticklish oh man like because I because you and I are both people that well pre this

we shave our buttholes yes each other's sometimes because I'm a big fan of it's just how easy

it is to wipe afterwards that's why I went in to get it waxed because I hate shaving it like one leg over your head

you don't want to be flying the wall on my house when I'm shaving my asshole like do you want to be flying the wall on my soap

flying my soap flying on the wall on my soap fly on my soap fly on the wall on my soap yeah there's no graceful way to shave your arsehole you just kind of got to squat

I definitely recommend it because someone was like oh every one of them hairs is going to come back and torture

you with a vengeance and like nah not as bad as when you shave it how long does it last it's still pretty good now can I say they give you it how long has it lasted it's still sure

it's pretty good now can I say they give you some ingrow hair cream yeah it's just coming back like that that's like two weeks ago got me dig up by the way

from this podcast I just showed him me crab ladder so eh what's weird right is that she puts the wax on your your pubic bone

region yeah not your bones pubis and eh it's fine So, what's weird, right, is that you put the wax on your pubic bone region. Yeah, not your bones. Pubis. And it's fine. The wax is hot. But just like a nice warm bath. Right? Puts it on your balls.

It is like you've been fucking branded by your fucking iron. I feel like cattle. Like the wax on your ball flesh is a million times hotter Than the temperature of the sun I was like what are you doing there waxing as a fortune Of sword It's obvious Because my dad always Calls it the

The monkey point Which is like so I had a jacuzzi in my house growing up Because my dad's mate was thrown out a jacuzzi And my dad was like I'll wash it and build it Just free jacuzzi in my house growing up because my dad's mate was thrown out a jacuzzi and my dad was like, I'll wash it and build it. Just free jacuzzi by my dad's logic. So he installs this whole fucking free jacuzzi by himself. So when growing up, we had a jacuzzi in the fucking house.

And I always remember the earliest jokes I remember my dad telling me is always the monkey point as a man is when you get into the jacuzzi and you go legs ankles like knees thighs and then just like you sort of hold your balls up

just to you get your bum in first and then it's just the I don't hear the joke no two monkeys in the bath oh yeah

two monkeys in the bath one monkey goes and the other one goes well put some cold in no the other one is Bill and Ben in a jacuzzi.

And Bill says, flub-dub-dub-dub. And Ben goes, was that you? I don't think I'd be willing to. I've had my legs waxed. And only one bit of my legs waxed once, just as a fucking dare. And that was pretty barbaric. Yeah, there was a point where I felt like I'd been in there a little while

and I looked and there was still quite a lot to go just going out with the fucking hedge trimmers first oh part of it was just wanting to go and you know what

just that's Khaled Evans you win but I kept going what was the crack like the crack was a fucking breeze compared with the battles

is that because you were farting? That was on draft. Now the crack was fine. That was just like done in and out. Bish, bosh, bosh. Why is she going in and out? That's not okay. If she went in and out in your crack,

I think you'll owe her more money. I've got a back second crack at the ending by the time I got some luck I don't know whether I'm coming or going I'm coming I'm definitely coming you're blowing hot and hot hot hot hot You're blowing hot Hot hot hot hot

You're blowing hot Hot hot In the cold So alright What did I get done So you've come back to chase So I got I got my ass douched

I got my bowels waxed I was quite nice To put it in myself The The douche thing Because I got I got my ass douched. I got my balls waxed. I was going to know how to put it in my cell. The douche thing. Because I got the wax first. And when I had to put the thing in my cell, I was like, you're all missing out on your new wax. Silly nurse.

Don't know what you're missing. Smooth as a baby's bum. Then you must get it done too. So, I got a tie with your candle. That's definitely pseudoscience, bollocks. Well, I think so, but...

Explain to the listeners what a tie candle is. So I'll tell you the coincidence. It's like a candle with a small wick. A candle with a really small wick. So I've got a Thai candle. Well, they've got this like it's like a tube with a hollow

candle on it so when it burns it draws the heat up so it sucks like anything out of your ear so it's used to write

so then they unroll it and show you like all the wax on the inside so if it is a myth that it doesn't work that means

they must they must put some discoloured wax in there. What it is, I've got the book over there. There's a book called Bad Science, and they talk about those candles, which is the way you do the test, is do that thing in your ear, but then also just put that candle on a table,

light it, and the same colour comes out. The same colour at the bottom. So did you pay for it? I paid like 300 bucks. Was that like 500? no so so I got it done

because I went and I walked around the pool and there's something before me ear pops but then it doesn't unpop again

and then like I'm trying to like get in with the cotton bud and I know that's bad because you're like pushing the wax down into your ear canal

but it's like bringing up quite a bit of wax but then I went and got it done and they didn't just do the candle but like

massage right around your ear and fucking get right in there and like do some shit and then they cleaned out with a cotton bud as well without pushing down and I walked away

and I was like oh my ear's still it's been like three days and I'd been deaf in one ear and then that night I was having a meal and then all of a sudden it just kind of cleared

and I could hear the waves of the ocean like that one on the show and it was just like a fucking breeze. It was just like oh that's amazing. Have you ever had that? I've had my ears professionally cleaned. Like when you have to fucking do the weird thing, you have to put the oil in your ear and you have to lie there for like five minutes a day

both sides and then she just sort of like scooshes the water in it. I'm a guy who's really bad at earwax and then honestly I remember when she first did it the first year she showed me the cup and I was properly

I imagine the consistency and colour of what came out of my ears was the same as what came out in your fucking colonoscopy oh really oh it was like you don't realise

how much is in there but then on the way home coincidence is the same water she used a septic tank from my gap But I swear God like Afterwards

My hair was so Honestly I could hear Her thoughts Like I've never had I wish I had a better job Who's this Pog mug Yeah

Because I wanted to get that Because I've had Like problems with that before When we Yes I tried to get it done When I was in Adelaide but I didn't reply

to my emails took one look at me and went got any lobes I've got no earlobes to the listeners I don't know which I've always told you about

and you've denied but you genuinely do not no I've not denied I've said it's evolution it's not evolution what's the point of any earlobes well

I couldn't get them pierced you really couldn't you'd have to get the side of your face I mean you could get I couldn't get them pierced. You really couldn't? You'd have to get the side of your face... I mean, you could get the side of your face pierced. Look at your fucking... Frankenstein.

Just two pegs out of the side. So I got my teeth scaling polished as well. You got the scale sticking off them? I got a new scale. Wait, what does

this scale mean? I don't know. They just fucking spray it with something or buzz it with something. I never know what they're doing. I don't know they just fucking spray it with something or buzz it with something I never know what they're doing I can't see

I try to look but my eyes just it's hard it's hard to get a good gauge so I had a full makeover no went to the gym I mean you really

like you offered a proposal like how little self confidence do you have that you were like I need to become

an entirely different person I think it's like what I said I don't want to give her what she'd accept I want to give her what she deserves is that why you invited me

sorry I couldn't come Natalie maybe I miss you so I don't know I just I wanted to make myself totally no proof that's not what it was and there I don't know I just I wanted to make myself totally no proof I don't know

that's not what it was and there it was literally a conversation I had with Milo McCabe when he says why didn't you propose and I was like

because I feel like I'm in bad condition and financially and physically so I just want to get in good condition I think it's did Milo check

your chakra I think it's yeah he put it on his vision board and it worked well that was something in good condition I think it's Milo check your chakra I think it's yeah he put it on his vision board and it worked I can't wait when we inevitably

and we will absolutely whenever he's available and nearby we'll have Milo on the podcast because he has

got a lot of defending himself to do yeah he does doesn't he he really does all his hocus pocus bullshit

so talk about I was telling you I was reading a bit about the Romans you're already a little bit gend up on the Romans and oh it's such a good book right

it's such like fucking pirates and war and fucking what's the book it's Veni Veni

Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni

Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni

Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni

Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni

Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni

Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni

Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni

Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni

Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Veni Vici Veni game of all the shit I came I saw I came no do you reckon that's what they shouted out during the day like you know when a girl starts like it's still blood yeah

after you've come and you're just like oh Veni Veni Veni Vici what's it I saw

Veni I came Veni's I came so the right it's all fucking great and pirates and war and everything's gladiators it's all fucking great and pirates and war and everything's gladiators

it's so fascinating in the 400s, Christianity but Constantine won a lot of his battles and he prayed to the Christian God so everyone just assumed because he was winning that the gods favoured him and it's like that's how Christianity

got reinforced, it's because Constantine was winning, now what if, what if like Usain Bolt, like prayed to Aslan, and then won all of his races, and got a new world record, every time he ran, and he was like,

oh well Narnia must be real, yeah gotcha, it's gotta be fully believable, and then they start doing tax relief, on Christians, in Rome, and I'm just like, of course,

people are gonna subscribe to it, if they said to me, if you believe in Narnia, there's gonna be a tax relief, I would be on fucking my Rome and I'm just like of course people are going to subscribe to it if they said to me if you believe in Narnia there's going to be a tax relief I would be on fucking my hands and knees praying to Prince Caspian

every fucking day I just roar him you get two weeks off at the same time as all of your friends are on about Christmas like oh

that's my religion sold I'll hail the lion the witch and the wardrobe I'd have a wardrobe in every room man every time lion The witch And the wardrobe I'd have a wardrobe In every room Man every time I pray

I face the wardrobe I come out of the wardrobe Right Shall we Go on to the game That we've not played together For ages Muggle watch

No kiss I thought you said We haven't played for ages What do you think The lunch break was So for those first time listeners you've picked a

good one to in fact if you're a long time listener and you need to get your friends onto this podcast this is arguably a good one to get

them onto this is as you know catching up we've not seen each other in a couple months if they take that getting back together oh yeah

I'm Robbie I just mean to fuck him oh man I did feed Robbie If they take that and put it back together? I'm Robbie. Dick's on Robbie. I got it, man. I just mean to fuck him. Oh, man, I did feed Robbie. Muggle Corner's game we play, basically,

muggle is a term obviously from the Harry Potter world to describe non-magic people, but it's a term that we've adopted to describe also non-magic people.

Yeah, so if you watched The Fantastic Beasts of Moriarty, what's it called? The Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. And Where to Find Them. We are no-magic. No-magic people. Yeah, so if you watch The Fantastic Beasts of Moriarty, what's it called? The Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. And Where to Find Them. We are no-magic.

No-magic. And it's basically, we're all guilty of muggle things, but muggles are people who are just very simple and plain. They're not bad people. They're not evil. There's no maliciousness to them,

but there's also no creativity or individuality to them. It's slipping into the systems that are in place that everyone can survive on and everyone can live on, but everyone is going to be born. Also, just before we do get into the first Muggle Corner, sorry, every week we nominate three things that we think belong in Muggle Corner.

If you are guilty of any of these Muggle things, it does not make you a Muggle, but you just have to admit that you are guilty of these muggle habits. And if you are guilty of them, acknowledge it and then go stand in the corner for 30 seconds. It doesn't mean you're a full-time muggle, but it does mean you are a bit of a muggle. Just before we do go into this, I just want to do one shout-out. I was telling you earlier when I was out in New York doing the gigs out there, which were fucking great, thanks to everyone that came.

I never realised how far this podcast reaches like I always think it's like I know we've got Australian listeners and I know we've got Scottish listeners

thanks to the people in Perth and Adelaide that come to my show off this podcast blows my mind I walked into these festivals with no promotion no publicity

no anything right and I was like god I've got no idea where people are going to come from to come to this show and I've done a few gigs about town, walking around gigs

and give out flyers to get people in from them but the amount of people that come up after the gig that listen to the podcast, I had no idea. So yeah, if you do come to our shows,

do tell us because for us, we love doing this podcast anyway but to know how far it travels really does blow our mind. Because you're such silent listeners as well, you're so enjoying it but we don't realise mind. Because he's such a silent listener as well. He's enjoying it, but we don't realise.

Yeah. We're just releasing it into the void. We know we get about 1,500 an episode, which we're very good, but we only hear from about seven ever online. And I want to say a massive thank you to everybody that went on my website and bought my show. Thank you very much. And for me, I just want to give a big shout-out to the two Jonathans

who, when I was in New York this lovely gay couple who are both called Jonathan which obviously is something I've never considered because I'm heterosexual that's one of the dangers of being gay is that you could fall in love with someone who's got your own name so you can just be narcissistic while you're fucking someone

shouting out your own name Narcissus is that the gladiator who killed Commodus? No Narcissus was Is that the gladiator who killed Commodus? No. It is? No, Narcissus was a Greek demigod who pissed off the gods and his punishment was that he was going to fall in love with the next

person he saw and then he went to wash his face by the river, saw his own reflection and then the river fell in love with himself and starved to death there. Ah, well that's where Narcissus comes from. Narcissus is also the gladiator that killed Commodus. Well, it, that's where Narcissus comes from. Narcissus is also the gladiator that killed Commodus. Well, it will have

come from Greek mythology originally. Yeah, I mean, we do learn each other's culture. The two Jonathans came to the show in New York

and I was genuinely not expecting anyone in New York to have heard of the fucking podcast, let alone understand your accent. That's what I was

talking about. I was like, you're proper New Yorkers and you understand Kai's accent accent they're like yeah like 90 percent of the time not the amsterdam oh yeah and then therefore not this one but just a big shout out to the two jonathans uh thank you for coming another thing about uh that you don't consider about being homosexual is that you could end up with someone that looks a bit like you like uh our friend craig craig hill specifically goes for people that look like him because he's like well why wouldn't I

because if I didn't find that attractive I wouldn't look that way I wouldn't dress and do my hair he dresses the way he finds attractive and that's obviously what finds attractive so he finds you know bald

kilt wearing neds attractive so my first suggestion for Muggle Corner and this is going to put you in there Muggles sing happy birthday

in restaurants like in public places I did that the other day oh did you yeah it was Dan Willis' birthday and he's the guy who brought us out

to Australia and runs the gigs and it's his birthday and we bought him some nice little gifts and wrapped them up and he went to bed before us

and we put them wrapped up on the mantelpiece up and he went to bed before so we'll put them up on the mantelpiece oh god how happy would he be when he got up mate I'm fully into birthdays and again I have sung happy birthday

in public to people I've organised it for people I love organising people's birthdays and I also am that level of vain that I love when people sing it to me in public so I'm fully in the corner

for this but there is just something about forcing your celebration on every other person it's strange this so we did it in the corner for this. But there is just something about forcing your celebration on every other person. It's strange, yes. So we did it in the gig, right? And this is such a funny Dan trait, right? So Dan has got this, like, unflappable, when sometimes he should be flapped, approach to hosting. So he'll be telling a story and something could happen big in the room.

And he'll just smash over it and carry on saying what he's going to say, right? And me and Kerry have always laughed at that, that he's just not acknowledged something and just ploughed through to finish his story or get the point across. He's like that in conversation too. He's always wanted to get to the point. Yeah, so there's times when we've been cracking jokes

and instead of joining in on the jokes and coming back to the point, he'll wait until we're done. He'll wait, wait wait until we finish laughing and then carry on and he's like it's stoic resilience to any deviation

to be fair that is the way we should do this podcast because the amount of starts and then non finishes we have do it I feel like we've

booked market well but maybe I've no no I think we do it quite well but I know it pisses off my mother on any podcast I'm on because anytime I do

this podcast or the full flop with Will Anderson, we go off in a thousand different veins and in different directions, and my mum, she's like, you didn't finish any of the stories?

I'm like, yeah, but we laughed the whole time. Isn't that what you want? I was listening to Chris Martin and Carl Donnelly's podcast with Nick Cody, and we'd done a live one, but something to do with the sound quality, and there was a heckler in the room,

and because it was live, it was a bit dodgy, so they didn't put it up, but Chris Martin went, went on kai told this great joke it was like about the thing and then ended up segwaying away from it and never got back to the joke i couldn't remember what the joke was i was like what was the joke so to save that happening dan willis is on stage this is how you get back to point dan willis is on stage and we we wait for him to finish a bit

right before we go on with the cake with the candles lit right but he immediately segues into another bit as we're coming on so we kind of interrupt the very start but he hasn't got enough we're going

sing happy birthday to him we've got this fucking nice cake and everyone joins in everyone gets what's happening and enjoys it right and then we walk off to the other side of the stage and we just hear Dan just go bleh

straight back into the play and we'll just hear Dan just go, blip, straight back into the play. And we're like, no. No, he didn't. I did the same thing with... As if it never even happened. I did the same thing with Cody in Auckland last year. We were out in Auckland together for Nick's birthday and we got maggot drunk during the day.

For those non-Australian listeners, maggot is an Australian term for utterly blitz drunk, trollied. We went out to a lovely restaurant. We went to a vineyard and me and Cody are fucking shit-faced. I do my gig and it's still a great gig because as you know, when you

walk on stage, something in you as a comic just kicks in and you just go professional and you get through it. Hopefully it happens tonight. Fingers crossed. And I go downstairs for Cody's gig after mine and I bring four shots downstairs and I just wait like a good comedian until he's finished a joke

and then just at the back I go, Happy birthday to you! And I walk on stage with four shots and he's like, Oh guys, it's my birthday. I make the audience sing the song and he's like, So nice that Sloth's brought two shots for each of us. And I was like, nah, I can't. They're all for you.

They're all for you. I just made him do four shots, and then didn't even watch the rest of the gig. Just went back up to the bar. You didn't even watch how it affected him. No. You're like, just walking away, explosions in the background. He came off stage happy, but I don't know if it was valid.

But this thing, like, it is a genuinely lovely thing to do. explosions in the background he came off stage happy but I don't know if it was valid but there's the thing like it is a genuinely lovely thing to do like that like it's this is perfectly

that's what's weird about when they're on stage right because the thing about singing happy birthday is making it about them but you know when someone's on stage

it's already about them I mean that elevated lit up amplified everyone's face in the moment like you want more than you need right now. The audience should be grateful for the fact that

I gave them a chance to talk for the first time. I've got the drunk hiccups. I think this is a perfect example of what Muggle Corner is. There's nothing malicious about this thing. It's not shitty. It comes from a fucking good place. But you're only aware of it when you're not in the muggle circle.

You know when you're sat there and you're just there with mates and then these table of muggles behind you start fucking singing it and you're like, why do I care about this? Why do I care about this random fucking stranger? So it's not spiteful or mean, but it is just muggly. That's all

it is. Yes. Agreed?uggly that's all it is yes agreed I think that's in and you're in the corner for 30 seconds because you have not only sung happy birthday publicly you've sung happy birthday

to me publicly when it's not my fucking birthday when we were out in Vegas my favourite oh one of your own they come on

we're like we were out we were out yeah oh so Brett Vincent who I know listens to this get in the fucking corner you bag of shit

yeah but smoke while you're in there when we were out in Vegas Brett Kai Martine and Barry

Bazakastanaza Bazakastanaza we gotta get him on the podcast soon all told everyone there was my buddy I tell it

I want to do this in the podcast you need to say that sentence again because they definitely don't understand it when I do my speech at the window I want to do this in the podcast you need to say that sentence again because they definitely don't understand it I tell Natalie

when I do my speech at the window I want to go first off I want to point out the elephant in the room Barry thanks for coming I just got ready

to do the podcast I don't know Barry Casanova who's just run a half marathon in like some two hours Barry is a very very healthy man

an absolute machine when it comes to drinking one of the funniest people in the family but he's quite robust he's just run a half marathon in like some two hours. Barry is a very, very healthy man. An absolute machine when it comes to drinking. One of the funniest people in the family. But he's quite robust. He's just a fucking stocky dude. He'd be stocky if he was in a prisoner of war camp. But he's the size of it. It's not fat. It's like he's a rugby player type build.

Yeah. Like it's just, there's a bit of flab in the same way that I've got a bit. He's just robust. He's just robust. He's just robust. He's a robust dude. But because he's the most robust in our little group, that means he's the fat one. Oh, man.

And, like, we are so bad. Because the reason it's funny is obviously, like, to bully him about being... We're not bullying him about being fat. We're bullying the fact that it's funny because he's not. And we're just attributing this attribute to him that's not true in any way. This is something I wanted to bring up, actually, about body shaming and stuff. Since I've started getting into good shape,

I have been victim of way more body shaming than I've ever been in for being out of shape. People will just make flippant remarks. I've been called skinny about four times. Every time I'm like, I'm walking around at welterweight i'm bench pressing 36 kilos like skinny is also body shaming yeah yeah because it's such a negative way of doing it it's like you're skinny i'm like i ain't skinny but it's like what's funny about the body shaming here is them projecting their own insecurities they see me in good shape so they feel they need to put me down that's what body shaming is they don't like the fact

that you're confident in the way you look that's what all body shaming is is like see if you see someone who is and I think the correct term to use is fat

instead of overweight because overweight suggests there's a better way to be or whatever so I think fat is the correct term to use which is very weird

because you know it's the one it's the one, it's, um, if you're body shaming, you don't like the fact that that fat person is confident and happy and whatnot. And that's just, you're trying to bring them down a peg or two.

Yeah. Which is, I feel like I've had a couple of people, I've just been minding my own business as well, but I feel like a couple of people are trying to bring us down a peg or two with a skinny shit. Like, uh, it's like,

I could bench press your husband. Stop fucking me. Otherwise I'll have to push him off me. because down a peg or two with a skinny shit like I could bench press your husband fucking Cali skinny no get him to stop fucking me otherwise I'll have to push him off me it's not like I am not ashamed shame away no

you can't shame this what's your first one so this one is I'm exempting a lot of people here because there's a huge caveat to this one it's the comedians only there's some mugglery within our ranks oh by the way we'll only do two each

because even though it's a tour podcast we're still overrunning if there's any comedians listening which would be weird because they're not on it jelly but comedians who aren't famous changing their Facebook names

oh my lord what the fuck are they doing oh who the fuck so so for the yeah

explain to the non-coms so what happens right is you get a comedian like say Chris Ramsey who has had a bunch of fucking TV spots

all of a sudden he's getting added off everyone and the fucking granny so what he changes his name to Chris Rams K R I S

R M S so people can't find him so you're down as Daniel Jamie hyphen sloss you put in your middle name because you're doing

McIntyre's Roadshow everyone's trying to add you you create one so that you can just keep and I still get found regularly I just I don't I'll read the messages

but I'll just not accept the friend requests and that's it that's because so I've I hit the fucking 5,000 mark which is as many friends

as you can get it's kind of like ruined my Facebook a little bit that but it's my choice to click accept on the friend request it's these people

yeah it's you and as well if you don't click accept the follower anyway so like if you want if you want followers you can click no so that your fucking news feed is just the people that you've accepted so if you don't like if you look at joe heenan right like so joe heenan has got like whatever like fucking 900 friends or thousand friends or something but then his followers is like 10 000 because he's clearly been clicked and to anyone that he doesn't know Adam

as a friend but they still get to see the wind into his life so he's done that instead of changing himself to jiggle bobs

heena bobs like every comedian I know now they just changed like Josh Pugh who's a fucking great lad like a great comedian

fucking on a fucking good trajectory is on Facebook as Jay Puggle and I'm like you're not even at the point where people are googling you to tag them in photos is impossible to try and find them to send a message to them you've got to fucking decode like joe likes it joe likes it um great fucking comic i tried to

message him the other day but he changed his name three hours I was just like how do I fucking find you I mean Joel's got a valid excuse he's Agile famous but then Joel Dama who's arguably more famous is still just

oh no he's not actually another thing about it but man there's so many non-famous comedians that have jumped the gun. Yeah. That have totally jumped the gun and changed their name. You should make yours Kai Humphries. It's the blue tick of Facebook.

Because you can apply for a blue tick. I could have got a blue tick a while ago because I had a fucking good reason. There was a Kai Humphries that was fucking... That was defending Adam Johnson on Twitter oh yeah right and the reason you're against that is not the fact that Adam Johnson's a rapist it was Rob Beckett that brought it to my attention because he said that it was

his brother or someone was just like fucking Kai Humphries is a dick and apparently there's like this thing about me defending Adam Johnson and then Rob Beckett had a look and was like that's not Kai so that would have been

my like valid thing to go in valid thing to get a blue pick for because I want to be separated from the other guy of course because he's about

that's slandering me while I'm trying to be a public figure not only slandering you but be like supporting a bag of shit like he's not just bringing down your name he's trying to promote the name of a fucking public figure. Not only slandering you, but supporting a bag of shit. He's not just bringing down your name,

he's trying to promote the name of a fucking... He's promoting Ratcheteri Stabe. I've never gone for the blue tick, because I know comics... This is such a bitchy episode. I know comics... Any names that I've said to throw under the bus have been friends but when I say bitchy I'm being like

the next thing I'm about to say I'm specifically not going to mention names there are some comics who have like two or three thousand followers who are blue ticked I'm like I know what you have to do to apply for a blue tick and I won't do it I'm not emailing people I'm not, I know what you have to do to apply for a blue tick and I won't do it. I'm not emailing people. I'm not filming.

I'm not doing it. My fans... I don't know how to spend a day setting up a Wikipedia page. Like, I'm not Rich Massara. Mugglepedia, get in there. Like, my fans on Twitter, it's very obvious who I am. I've got 40-something thousand followers. I tweet very, like, not not regularly but like once a day

a lot of it's just shit I'm up to everyone knows it me I don't need I don't need the blue tick my fans know it's me but you see someone who's on like 1500

like I apply for I'm like oh that's purely narcissism you know what we should do we should get the muggins and cream twitter that isn't us a blue tick

just to devalue the blue tick no do you know what we should do right just do what weuggins and cream uh oh that isn't us a blue tick no do you value the blue tick no do you know we should do right just do what we always do and just mention it now and then wait until rich massara does it i'll get rich massara to get the blue oh no we don't even have to ask him to now that we've just mentioned it like anything we mention that we either hate or love rich massara just goes and gets it done like king muggle he is you know what i would love right and i wouldn't expect Rich to do this because it's a stretch, but there's somebody probably out there that's got some office hours where they've got time to

kill and they've got their capabilities. But I'd love an animation. Like, you know, Bear Crusher tells the story about being a machine and they've done an animation of him on the train. If there's just one of our stories that was specifically good. Or if they just animate your dad jokes

yeah yeah just some form of animation and to whoever who does it remember Kai's got no earlobes it's the one thing you need to remember just drum with no ears

and then drum not laughing at my jokes for two reasons one he's got no ears and two he never fucking listens and steamrolls over them anyway and I'm gonna not laugh

at this bit now so that if they make the cartoon of this bit. Gene, come back in. Oh yeah, that would be a very pseudo thing to do. For them to animate us. Asking people to animate us.

If you very matter. Oh, right. So yeah, no, I fully agree. And that is just to any of the comics listening. And to any of the comics listening. Chances, realistically, if you're a comic listening to this, you're not a comic this big. You're not a comic that's bigger than us. McIntyre a comic listening to this you you're not a comic this big of a nose McIntyre's not listening to this

it's just there's a bit of fucking respect game in the industry I just think you lose a little bit of it when you do that it's because you're telling people you're famous or you're acting famous it's overreaching

you're clearly trying to do this for some level I've never done comedy for fame I've done comedy because there's nothing that makes me happier than being on stage and making people laugh, or pussy but, drugs okay, right, booze some things, but

number 12, after you babe yes, 11 that like number 12 after you babe um yeah it just i think you're just setting yourself up and like you've clearly got a career path in your head that's inevitably not going to work out uh my second one and final and we'll do your second one too uh is and again the i am fully in the corner for this. We've discussed this type of thing before, but I'm a big fan of it. Muggles say, send me a postcard when you trip.

And I have done it. I will do it again. Have we not put this up already? We haven't put it in mobile corner. But we've discussed the type of thing, which is the one we discussed before, is that, like me and Gareth talked about

when you leave the house I'll go do something and you come back in because you forgot something muggles say well that was quick

I'll be back in two seconds one two you know back in it's just one and again I am guilty of every single

one of those fuckers like I love those types of shit because it annoys people I'm sure I've mentioned this before but I'm going to jump in the shower you should probably step

casually into it because you may fall if you jump I just hit the mic off my teeth so many listeners that just heard a massive click there that's what a wax does sounds like. Again, one of my

other favourite ones is how did you find the gig? Or how did you find the audience? I just walked out and there they were. Yes. But that's just a very quick one. It's totally, look, it's

hack stock and it's funny and I know why you do it and I will do it with you and if you do it to me I'll be pissed off at you but if I do it to you it's the funniest thing in the world. It's hypocritical, muggle critical. Muggle critical. Man, this one is, I'm sure

this one swallows you up and spits you right into the corner. Muggles have big penises. Muggles are the best lovers that I, Kai Humphries, have ever had. Not like stay at the corner. What a muggle. Kerry Muggles

just comes whacking at the room the other day and went Muggles like big boobs. Why have you not had Cary on the podcast I don't know because fucking Stanley was just seemed to be the mainstay

because he was he was around and he listens to it too so he gets the podcast but Cary's coming in Cary's in Melbourne isn't he yeah

right we will Cary Marks is he was my flatmate he needed to be on it he kept he kept just walking in and just hitting us

with a dad joke or a muggle call and I'm like, and as well, when we were getting high in the garden, we went on so many flights of fancy

that were just like beyond him. To any listeners, we will, I promise you in the next one of the books, if you don't know Katie Marks,

he is one of the, He's one of the naturalist funniest comedians? And yeah, on stage and off stage, Katie Marks is just one of the best fucking comics of all time

some people have got funny bones in comedy and like you know why they're a comedian because they're so funny some people there Danny McLaughlin calls them African footballers

where they've worked out how to be funny they turn up first to training last to leave and they've worked out how to be funny for that set amount of time that they're on stage

right and I mean no disrespect to them they're fucking working out with some people like and then some of those guys as funny as they are

on stage and as much as they're making fucking good living they're just yeah it's a little bit like a fucking off frequency

in conversation whereas Kerry Marks is just fucking so on the ball living with him for two months has been so much fun 100% get him on the podcast.

Right, throw me under the bus. All right, this is throwing you under the bus with my Muggle Corner. It's like when people in their early 20s, late teens, mid 20s, right, agree to marry one of the friends of the opposite sex by the time they're 30 if they haven't met the right one.

Like, what a Muggle thing to do. Wait, wait, wait. I've got a defence for this. What a... We'll get to it. What a writing off being 30 years what a like when you're 20

and you just look at 30 and go that looks like it sucks if we haven't found anyone then let's settle like when you reach the age of 30 and you find out it's awesome

and you've dealt with all of your insecurities and they're packaged away and dealt with and you've just come to terms with life you're usually in a better financial position

and then all of a sudden you're just like yeah but i'm marrying me mate i fully agree because i had one of those when i was i was like a teenager as well like but it is i find it's what people do to someone that they're not willing to admit they fancied like when i did it when i was like 16 it was to a girl called christine i was like if we're not married by the time we're 30 i fancy christine and i knew she wouldn't marry me now it's just like you're scratching i'll wait you're scratching five bar gates on your prison wall for the day she said 40 i had no no no the thing with gina i would argue is uh different our marriage is not our marriage is arguably inevitable like it's not, it's not...

Like, it's not like, look, if we can't find anyone by then... You should do it in Australia when gay marriage gets legalised. Yeah, finally ruin marriage for gay people. Because the fear is that gay marriage... Now all of a sudden you can marry a friend. No, no, I think with with uh i've i'll

accept the standing in the corner because i fully agree with this fucking thing but my only stipulation is i would argue that gene thinks every because we've not agreed we've never agreed to get married we've never said oh by the time we're 30 but what it is is we get told by everyone that we will like we we're just told by my mum her mum fucking Natalie has just been like you and Jean anyone that sees me

and Jean together is just like you will get married and we're just so bored of the argument we're like yeah yeah probably

but like at the time being I'm enjoying you know being a slut and she's enjoying being a nun she's enjoying waiting waiting for you to finish being a slut and she's enjoying being a nun she's enjoying waiting

waiting for you to finish being a slut yeah no I'll definitely put that one in there because I think there's something like that young people

when they're like they're right off being 30 and then when you reach the age of 30 and realise you're so much more stable well no for me

when you watch your favourite comics who are like say in their 40s now like Bill Byrne Louis CK the place they're in mentally compared to what

they would have been like when they were 21 like they're a better person now yeah so why would you like write yourself off then but I've never written it

I've never written it off for me it's never been like oh if we're not married by then I'm just like we've got lives to lead. Like, I'm living a separate life. Jean's got a journey she's got to fucking go on.

But realistically, they'll clash at one point. And then, yeah, I've been a lot to also getting someone else used to the relationship that we have. Like, imagine going on a fucking date whenever I bring a girl back. Like, if I was to be in a serious relationship, hi, this is Jean. I'm always going to a fucking date whenever I bring a girl back like if I was to be in a serious relationship hi this is Jean I'm always going to love her

more than I love you when you're here I'll probably also hang out with her more just because I'm probably going to sneak in the hair room with a spoon

when I'm done she knows me better than you do because we've been friends for eight years now she knows all my insecurities and also after our date's done

the first person I tell about that is her. It's a difficult fucking scenario. Start texting her while you're lying in bed with her. Sex was shit. I've done that. I would love that.

I've been in bed with girls at one point and been like, can you come through and pretend that your mother's had a health scare? Because I'm bored stop making phone noises like old school Nokia oh sorry this gene you've got an iPhone 7

I've just got I'll fully agree with that one. So I would love it if an 18-year-old was like, hey, if we reach the age of 30, we haven't found the one that we love, would you totally get married? I would love it if someone just rode in on a horse with a royal decree.

Sign here, sign here. And then just march them like a spear point down the aisle on the 30th birthday can't fucking use that you daft cunt I'm trying to marry you you daft cunt that's what I should have said we met when I was

29 and Natalieathalie was 26 you fucking nonce we should get married you fucking cradle robber when the laws change my legacy's ruined we might have to move we might have to move

to South America to make this legal the change of age of consent to 27 then all of a sudden I'm a monster so the yeah I should have

said it with Natalie when she was 26 I'll get married but facility government when you're 30 31 now old

used goods well I thought I might as well marry her now when she looks good in the photos well that's yeah

now we're not engaged anymore you wouldn't be able to have someone to fucking looks good in the photos well that's yeah now we're not engaged anymore you wouldn't be able to have someone so fucking blanked in the future I really feel like a lot of the time

in this podcast we might come across as horrific human beings and that's because we say horrible things about Nat and we say horrible things about Gene

but I just need to make sure the listeners are very aware that you can't fathom the worst things we say to both of their faces well what makes me laugh is, like,

I worry about the picture that I'm painting of Natalie sometimes when I talk about it on the podcast, right? But then I'm thinking, well, if you imagine the picture I'm painting, I'm getting away with saying this. Yeah. It makes her a legend. Yeah. People have heard Jean certain on these podcasts

where we just fucking, you know, rail on her. Not sexually. We're not gross. Right, so the two ones I've got in the corner there. So if you're guilty of any of these muggle corners, stand in the corner for 30 seconds. My ones are singing Happy Birthday in public. I know why you do it.

I'll join you the next time you do it. But why don't you join me in the corner and let's sing Happy Birthday together. Just stand in the corner for as long as it takes to sing Happy Birthday. Sing it to yourself yourself you fucking muggle time it recording

yeah yeah so the memory card just ran out of space so we just paused it well we didn't pause it we stopped it and we emptied the memory card and now we are

just to reiterate the muggle corners is singing happy birthday in public which is the one you've just covered and the next one

I can't remember my second one I've deleted it already. Oh, your second one was... Oh, they know it. Fuck them.

They know it. Yeah, you know the 30 seconds in the corner and your two muggle corners were... Mine was agreeing to marry someone

by the time you turned 30. Yep. And also comedians that aren't famous that changed their name. Like, if I go up to some people in the street

and say, hey, do you know such and such and they say who see adam rose is not a person that's done it yeah adam rowe hasn't yeah but like you know if you walk up to someone in the street because a good company is such an underground culture that if you go up and say hey do you know kai humphries if you ask 10 people in the street you know kai humphries 10 of them are going to say who right so i'm not going to change my name on facebook even if one of those persons was me and the other nine were family right so we're going on to our favorite game is uh

so what we've worked out from this podcast is the fans of this podcast who were always grateful for their favorite bit is muggle Like, they really do enjoy it but our favourite bit is our next bit which is your dad jokes whereas we just realised that your mum jokes

are sexist, uncreative, just body shaming, age shaming, intellectual shaming. I guess some of your dad jokes are intellectual shaming. But your dad is such a blanket

like nonsense. Yeah. That, it's way funnier than your mum jokes. My God, stick in the cab. Your dad uses a cooking thermometer on everything he cooks.

Rice is a fucking nightmare. Grain by grain. Grain by grain. Your dad dances like no one's watching because if people were watching he'd wear his own clothes instead of your mum's. Your dad says he no one's watching because if people were watching, he'd wear his own clothes instead of your mom's.

Your dad says he's got blue balls, but that's just because he keeps punching himself in the dick while watching Frozen. Black and blue balls. Your dad's mad at me because I haven't replied to any of his LinkedIn invitations. Knock, knock. Who's that?

Your dad. Your dad that? Your dad. Your dad who? Your dad who tests old batteries on the dog's tongue. If you put a blanket over your dad's head, he goes docile.

But if you remove it, he starts making rooster noises. If you remove it, he starts making rooster noises. All I want for Christmas is you. That's my impression of your dad flipping through the phone book. Your dad threw a penny into a wishing well in which he hadn't wasted his last penny. My nickname is Skittles

because I'm constantly tasting the rainbow. Rainbow is the term I use for gay people. I can say that because I am one. So just Skittles is fine. Your dad giving his name at Starbucks. Your dad has Apple bottom jeans Boots with the furs And nobody

Nobody looked at him Nobody looked at him Not one person looked at him Your dad thinks his star sign Is the sun Oh it's my dad Your dad thinks his star sign is the sun. Oh, it's my day again! Your dad gets nervous when he goes to the ice cream van in case the neighbours know what he's going to do with that cornetto

when he gets behind closed doors. Your dad complained to Ofcom about this podcast when you used the N-word earlier. I didn't get up to D. No you bailed i suggested it you you bailed but i'll be honest with you not uh you didn't bail at a point that i was comfortable with just saying the n-word is nearly as bad as saying yeah yeah you know what worse n-word yeah the n-word is is better than no That's way worse. That's way worse

because that suggests you were going to say... It's not even half. Yeah. It's not even half. You got three quarters of the way through it and I'll be honest with you,

I'll still let the podcast go out because I didn't fucking say it. You said the N-word though. The N-word you said. You didn't say the N-word. You said... The N-word. The N-word.

Your dad walks his plants and waters his dog your dad's sexual fetish is to be a sub and I don't mean submissive

I mean submarine because he's filled with sailors dad wants to be on the bench. Your dad shouts, ready, steady, go! Through the toilet cubicle

wall to strangers. Your dad chews soup. Your dad just posted A Facebook status saying Some people need to Mind their own business Two face skanks need to get a life Life spell L-Y-F

And your uncle just posted You were a cajon DM me but DM means dominate dismiss dismiss me your dad's karaoke song

is Kiss Kiss by Chris Brown he doesn't sing it he just leathers your mum it's his montage music your dad Chris Brown. He doesn't sing it, he just leathers your mum. Just montage music. Your dad, your dad just burnt the bit on his,

bit on his, his mouth behind his teeth by eating a slice of pizza and now he's got a flop of skin that he can't stop poking with his tongue. That sounds awful. I hope he's okay.

He's irritated. Dolphins are the only animal that practice nasal sex, and your dad's devastated. Fuck knows. Fuck knows why. Pluggy, plug, plug, plug. We're in Melbourne. We're in Melbourne. I my show, come to his show

every day at the Taxi Riverside it's just down by ACME it's at Federation Square across from Flinders Street Station if you're in Melbourne, it's at 7pm oh Jesus, I burped halfway through that, that's awful it's at 7pm every day 6pm on Sundays

no shows on Mondays please do Australia to all the people that have come out to Brisbane and Canberra and Tasmania it's been an art of

fucking joy so please do keep coming to the show and your show is when? mine is at the sub club it's 7pm every day

the sub club is I think it's near Flinders Street it is it's near Flinders Street go onto the Melbourne International Comedy Festival website.

Type in my name, Kai Humphries, and it brings up all of my show dates. And, yes, I'm going to be there. Also, let us know, because we're here for a month. If there are enough people in Melbourne, and by enough people, I mean if we get 40 people that say they would want to see it, we could very well do a live podcast. We can get Krisha Cody on it. And we can get Cody on it. We can get Katie Krisha Cody on it we can get Cody on it we can get Katie Marks on it

we can get Stanley on it if you are but that does have to be demand sort of not even demand based but just interest based look

we're not going to put it out and then start flyering and try and get an audience of people that haven't listened to the podcast we want to put it out to people that listen

to the podcast we want you muggles coming to it so if you are in Melbourne and that does sound like something you are interested in we know it's very

muggly to tweet us and say oh I'd be super interested but that is the only way raise your hand raise your little muggle hands apart from that

and if you come to our gigs based off the podcast hang around let us know let us fucking know we'd genuinely love to know apart from that

thank you so much for listening. One last thing. One last thing. Go to kaihunfries.com forward slash shop. Buy my show, How To Be Happy. And pay for Natalie's wedding.

And also go on my website, danislaus.co.uk. There's nothing to buy there, but just loads of pictures of me looking dead sexy. Right, click these pictures. Save them. Send them on a round-robin email.

Yeah, work stuff. Just make them Your Tinder profile So you can finally Get laid You fucking Ugly chode Thanks for listening And we'll see you

I guess we'll have to Do another one At some point this week Before Monday Yeah We do owe the fans An apology We'll do two a week

We'll try and back you up We're back to normal cunts See you soon Miss you already