Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.10 Sorry, not Sorry

Episode Date: March 8, 2021

After apologising to Cream, Muggins is forced to apologise to him for a second time. They discuss missing comedy and how hard work cheating would be if they could be bothered. 

All right, ladies and gentlemen, it is episode 10 of Slosser and Humphreys on the Road, and we've got loads of stuff for you. We'll talk about how much we miss comedy, we'll break into tears, we'll start cuddling, we'll have a bit of a kiss. I think we stopped the podcast for that bit, though. Thank God.

So, yeah, just a heads up of what happened behind the scenes, really. But on the podcast, you get to talk about... I think I apologised for something. I can't remember what. I've got a short memory. But you're about to hear it. I apologiseised for something I can't remember what I've got a short memory but you're about to hear it I apologised for something I mustn't have meant it enjoy the podcast

like and subscribe anything to add Daniel? no Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. And that's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack.

Aw, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? I'm Kai Humphries. And?

You're also? Muggins. And you're also... Co-host of the podcast that is... No, you're sorry. I'm sorry? Yeah. I assume this is an apology episode. I've apologised already?

I think it needs to be. It's not a one-off apology. Because it's not like it happened one time. This isn't, oh, I bumped into you. Sorry, let's all move on. You've been wronging me for a long time and you've become self-aware of it. Right?

Finally, listeners scream from their cars, from their stacking shelves Finally He's got a little bit of self-awareness They say to themselves Explain yourself This is why people don't apologise anymore You know that Daniel?

No this is why people don't apologise to me I'm very aware of why people don't apologise to me This is why Donald Trump Donald Trump gets away with everything Because he never apologises for it. Justin Trudeau elbows one lady in the boob and because he says he's sorry, he's a monster.

Well, he also blacked up when he was like 17. And then he said sorry. If he hadn't said sorry... It would have been fine. It would have been fine if he'd just doubled down. It's because he was sorry about blackface. That's the bad thing. That is where we're at with society now, because if you apologise

people like Daniel Sloss see weakness as blood in the water like a shark. Well, you know what you bring that up, I actually do agree with the concept of, well not apologising for comedy though, that's a different thing You know what, I'll get round to a second apology in a second

but you should use apologies the same as kisses on text sparingly in case you need them Is your phone on? No that was an iPhone ring It was battery turning back on Blame blame blame

it's never you, you're never at fault Are you saying that I didn't take personal responsibility for that immediately they came from behind you but your power your power of I'm never at fault

is so strong that an iPhone noise from behind you must have come from my Samsung sitting over there in front of you I'm not a fan of this

it's how nice of you to come down from the fucking heavens to co-host this podcast mate can I just say thank you on behalf of everyone

what a pleasure you're welcome two two I don't know why this attack on character has been applied to such a very

specific situation like as if like oh this is the way you act no no no the specific situation is I put you on the phone to our good friend, Jimmy McGee, because he wanted to congratulate you.

Oh, he did? Because he's not on Facebook or social media, and he heard through the old-school method of the grapevine. Ah, he did. He literally threw the grapevine. He literally threw the grapevine. Well, not literally threw the grapevine. No, no, no.

He was using a vineyard. And the gossip made its way there. Everyone was talking over a little Pinot Noir. Mind that time we went to a wineyard with vineyards? Yeah. Either way. Wineyard does make it sound a bit... I think vineyard is posh for wineyard.

Aye. Aye. It's not a specific language. It was Adelaide we went to that vineyard. We went to Molly Dukas and we had velvet glove. Velvet glove and it was in that fucking bottle that I couldn't hold. It was in a velvet bag that you were scared of.

I wasn't scared of it, couldn't touch it. You were terrified. I've explained. Honestly. That was also the day that... You're like, oh, can you get me some velvet

in the bathroom? We got so drunk with the Tobins and Jimmy and then we went with Biebs and Mal and we went to a steak restaurant and we were fucking mullered right

we were obnoxiously drunk and high as well that was the that was 2014 the dawn of the vape pen oh the Pax vape pen yes it was

it had like it had like a kiln on the back like you put weed in it it wasn't like you had the capsules yeah it was like a little sauna

and you had to grind up it was actual fucking ground up we thought god I do remember that. Yes, we were stoned. We were drunk. I was at least obnoxiously drunk

because at the end of it, because the Topans had taken such good care of us over this thing. Like, you know, they took us, they had us over there. They took us to the yards. So we're there for the best of the Edinburgh Fest. Aye, aye.

And they picked three acts, which was me, you and Jimmy McGee. And we do a showcase show which was 20 minutes each where we got a dinner every day we got a shared apartment they bought us took us on activities

we got three free drinks at each fucking venue they drove us to the parties after it it was just that it was genuinely one of the best fucking months of my entire life we kept catchphrasing

good fellas we had it all it was perfect because we knew in the moment that like we had it all aye no matter where our life goes from now we will look moment that like we had it all aye like no matter where

our life goes from now we will look back we didn't have it all because like all that was happening but it was in Adelaide like let's not

like it wasn't bought we had it almost yeah we had it all in Adelaide like it was it would have been

the coolest story in the world had it happened anywhere fucking else in Melbourne oh was it would have been the coolest story in the world had it happened anywhere fucking else in Melbourne oh man we would have been balling

but of course I did it in Melbourne you got subbed out for Carl Donnelly I did I I tapped out because I didn't like being away from home

for that long god back then not at all what a fucking amateur so yeah like they'd taken such good fucking care of us

and also I was really really really drunk I hadn't seen babes for fucking days and I was like I'll pay What a fucking amateur. So yeah, like they'd taken such good fucking care of us. And also I was really, really, really drunk. I hadn't seen babes for fucking ages. And I was like, I'll, I'll pay.

I'll pay for the dinner. And Mary Tobin was like, no, don't do that. Like I'm a business. Like I, like this is literally a business expense. And this is my gift to you.

And this is my gift to you. You've come over, you've entertained us. And I'm, and I'm like, I'm 22 years old. I'll fucking tell you another thing. And came to, and I was like I'm 22 years old I'll fucking tell you another thing and came to and I was like I've not actually

got ahead and made it to open step down eventually and fuck I remember at the time wishing she'd just been a little bit firmer because it was like

a grand and that was money that 22 year old me didn't have pre Netflix that was all like I had don't get me wrong

I had money but I bit off way more I thought you were just doing the Jerry Seinfeld eyes thing when you got the bill I didn't think that was it it was some shit if you want to know that reference watch Jerry Seinfeld's

Communities and Cars Getting Coffee and it's with I think it's the Norm Macdonald episodes and it's just I've done it a million times since I it's one of my favourite things

to just get videos of different people doing it like on my phone I've got just like everyone Barry that everyone

just you know the works my wife me three over there in that class good little in joke

so to track it back I put you on the phone to Jimmy my phone cut out

so I plugged my phone in on chargers we're walking in here so when you blamed me for my phone

I wasn't drunk on power blaming you I was like no no my phone's run out of battery

you were there but it was my phone but then you somehow spin docked like you are no no my phone's run out of battery you were there but it was my phone it was your phone but then you somehow spin docked and I let you off

here he comes I imagine I genuinely think don't get me wrong I love this podcast and I think people will fucking listen to it but I think

this podcast must be so cathartic for Matthew Canning just it must be so nice because for him he's never stood up to you in his life. Like, he's just, over the years...

Okay, I'm listening so far. Okay, so far, he's making a lot of sense. Over the years, just like, he just takes it and takes it and takes it. And then finally... Like a little bitch. Like a little bitch, yeah, of course. I just need to clear of course the little bitch thing so this is cathartic

for him this this is cathartic yeah he's listening it's just like oh therapy he's in a bath right

and he's got the podcast in his ears but he's got Toto and the Alexa right Rays of Africa and he's got

like a Chardonnay because it's a fucking weak woman's wine and he's just got a Chardonnay because it's a fucking weak woman's wine and he's just got tears streaming down his face because finally

a man has standing up to you and holding you to task accountable for your words and your actions he's trying to

stand up you're like a you're like a little sparrow hawk like Scrappy Doo it's something you Scooby-Doo You're like, and we're going to get cancelled for this Someone in the little person community

Swinging at me And I've got my hand on my head Aye Oh my god, we are going to get brought down Cancelled So I apologise to you via the media. Not of D.O.

I didn't just text you. Aye. I did it like a man because you know men are big on the Insta scene. Yes. Proper blokes. Yeah, proper blokes. Use fleets.

Aye, aye. Proper blokes go on social media to express their emotions. You're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So like a man. Uh-huh. A Yorkie-eating man.

Did you say a Yorkie or a Yokey? Yorkie. Yorkie. I mean, yes, yes. I said Yokey, but that was my accent. It's just because Yokey, I was like, I guess eating egg yolks is manly, because I guess they did it.

Not the protein bit, the bit with Cliff. I'm sure that weird flex. Yeah, I think they did it not the protein bit the bit with Clifton I think Rocky did that didn't he or did he just have them all did he not take them out yeah I apologise

because Natalie was getting behind on the podcast because she doesn't have a commute anymore aye

she doesn't get to go to work she doesn't she works from home she doesn't have to commute there what she would do in't get to go to work. She doesn't. She works from home. She doesn't have to commute there. What she would do in London is she would go for a little walk around Victoria Park to begin her day and then come back. But we've moved to Scotland and it's just a lot more hostile terrain out there.

So she hasn't been doing her podcasting. So she's been catching up since we started in the new year of the podcast. And she's had it on sometimes in the kitchen when she's cutting vegetables and that. Whatever she's doing in the head. Women's stuff. Yeah, when she's in the kitchen cutting shapes, you know. Cutting a rug. Cutting a rug.

Cutting me out of my life. Just, you know. Cutting a red in her birthday suit. Yeah, she keeps shutting me up so she can listen to me. Listen to a podcast but I'm here also but baby this is live and she's like aye but this is Danny

do you ever I'm sorry do you think it's she's not shutting you up to listen to you she's shutting you up to listen to me she's shutting me up to listen to you getting your jokes rolled over over and over and over

to the point that I don't even know if I've done it on this podcast yet because I can't be that unaware of it and be aware of it so how do I even remedy it how many times an episode do you think

you're all over I've been in the kitchen ten minutes I heard five because to be fair ish I'm so used to

it that I don't register it anymore like when you like when you did the post of like I'm very sorry you do this

it was like apologising for tripping me up when I was seven years old. I'm like, hey, we were kids. It's all behind us now. Is it like, you know, if you're doing a TV gig, it was Mike Wilmot told us this, right? I'd done the Comedy Store show, the last TV I'd done back in 2011. Mike Wilutt was on

and he was saying if they don't laugh act like they are laughing because they're going to end a bit for the telly right so if they didn't laugh for a joke

don't then instantly start the next one just smile as if you're receiving laughter they'll put the laughter in aye they need to have a podcast see how you're like

the audience will get it Kai's rolling over them but the people that count. No, I genuinely think it is. In the same way that you know our role about when we complain about each other, it's all in any medium, right? It's with the knowledge

that we know ourself is flawed, right? Go, I'm going to say this annoying thing about you, knowing full well that there's a thousand annoying things about me that you just put up with. That was what the passive-aggressive whiteboard that we had in gars cube was about right it's being like look i've got flaws and you've got flaws but at this moment in time i'm pointing one of yours out the reason i've never pointed out that much is because i fucking roll over other people all the time so i maybe i think in my head i'm just like the chain of reaction

chain reaction of like uh mid nitpicking at each other if you pick one thing you go alright okay the person who knows you the most intimately you want to start a fight with him not even that

that's right Cara the most intimately I also definitely like I I've probably rolled over a bunch of your jokes

in this as well and also I definitely rolled over other people so I'm not the difference between me and you though though, is like intent.

Oh, what? Because when you're doing it, you're just pushing my joke out of the way so you can get to yours first. Oh, is that it? Oh, so you're not that self-aware then? No. I've got one queued up and I'm like, you know what, let him get

his in first, because then mine will be like the topper whatever it is that he's got to say I can hear him stopping talking the way your voice just inflicts

I know you've finished the sentence and then I dive in so I listen to the tone and that always tells me that's very important because it's not what I said it was the way I said it

apology accepted well And Natalie always tells me that's very important. Because it's not what I said, it was the way I said it. Apology accepted. Well, you're welcome. I don't know how to say it, lad. You know what I mean? It's like when someone wishes you a happy birthday and you say it back. You too. Happy birthday to you too. Have a good one.

Can you remember? I remembered this the other day. Because I remembered it yesterday other day because I remembered it yesterday because it's my goddaughter's 15th birthday she's the youngest of the three

goddaughters that I've got because I've got four goddaughters I didn't count one of them I'm joking I've got one

with one friend and three goddaughters with another friend right and the youngest of those three is called Rihanna

and I'm going to say when did I after who before she's 15 yeah but Rihanna's 30 so she can't I didn't have her

she didn't name her after a 15 year old like but I don't know maybe maybe she did maybe if

if if she's named after Rihanna the artist spelled it wrong someone did oh so it's from oh okay so's named after Rihanna the artist. Spelled it wrong. Someone did. Oh, so it's from... Oh, okay.

So it's from Rihanna. Got you. So Welsh. So Rihanna, when did I live with you and Jean? Oh, you'd have to ask someone with a memory. 2013, 2014 era. Aye. Which is seven years ago from Rihanna's 7th birthday

right I started because I sent her a video right every birthday I'd send me God kill a video

I'm never there right so I always send them a video right and the video that I was sending

for Rihanna was you know the Gwen Stefani this beat is bananas B-A-N-A-S so I was like this birthday is Rihanna's B-A-N-A-S so

I was like this birthday's Rihanna's R-H-I-A I spelt that name right A-N-N-A you can do it in the moment

but not now it took us a lot of takes right so I'm like this birthday's Rihanna's Jean comes upstairs with a bowl of cereal

and I'm there selfie cam this birthday's Rihanna's B-A-N- there selfie cam and it's birthday Rihanna's beer and she's just like what the fuck are you doing she didn't know

how to go and his name's Rihanna right and I didn't know she didn't know I had a goddaughter called Rihanna and I just went

it's Rihanna's birthday obviously and she obviously thought I meant the pop star Rihanna so I the pop star Rihanna so I tweeted it to Rihanna

and just styled it out like that's what I was doing I clicked on and then Gene thought I was doing that and then continued doing that

doing what Gene thought I was doing I committed to the bit I sent a DM not a DM I added Rihanna in on Twitter seven years ago

did she like it with a fake nah nobody did nobody did Gene did DM, not a DM, I had Rihanna in on Twitter seven years ago Did she like it? Nah, nobody did Nobody did, Jean did She laughed even more when she found out that that's not what I was doing and that's what she thought I was going to ask, because if this was the way that, if Jean was listening to this on the way to the, this is how she found out

I'd love to be for that moment just in the train where she just went It all played out over the course of a few minutes where I sent it and then told her what was going on and I was laughed because for a second she actually thought I was wishing Rihanna a happy birthday would you

would I would you actually bang Rihanna aye rhetorical questions no no I think my actual question would you actually would you bang Rihanna aye aye I don't think that's what I was actually going for rhetorical questions

no no I think my actual question was do you reckon she'd be fucking do you reckon Rihanna would be one of the ones that would be cool

to fucking hang out with and I'm basing my answer on one image of her I have right and it's her at the music festival and she's on like

one of her security guys she's on his shoulders and he's fucking massive right because he's Rihanna's security guard so he's like seven foot two

right and she's just rolling a blunt on his head oh nice aye and I was just like you look like someone

that I'd love to hang out with not necessarily Bang if she wanted to I'd have to ask Cara but you know but you know you know what like

it's not even like I don't know just because I'm getting a bit older and my libido's turned to it a bit right

but I I wouldn't be that lost I'm happily married like genuinely like I didn't like it used to be that stsed. I'm happily married. Like, genuinely. Like, I don't... It used to be that stardom had this such a...

What's the opposite of stigma? I don't feel like I'm using stigma right. Ligma. Ligma. Ligma balls. It had an absolute ligma about it, you know what I mean? It would be like there would be no way on God's earth that I would not fuck Rihanna, given half a chance,

married or not married. But no, I'd be like, oh, is that kind of the implications of this? I've got quite a content life right now. Is this going to rock the apple cart? Because, look, if it doesn't rock the apple cart, aye. Aye, aye, aye. That, like, just gives the nod.

And then she'll nod and I'll go, like, seriously, though. Oh, I don't, aye. Aye, aye, aye. That, like, gives the nod. And then she'll nod again. Like, seriously, though. I don't know. And then I'm like, Devon, make us ask three times and then I didn't pick up some subtext that wasn't there. Aye. Devon, be mad because I asked.

I have to ask. I, um... I don't know, I just think it must take loads of effort to... Not to cheat, I reckon that's easy like banging someone but you know it's the living with it

that's impossible but also I just couldn't fucking it must be so much effort to have an affair it would be fucking exhausting exhausting? and what I just imagine the I'm saying imagine

mate by the way at one point sorry to interrupt you here but because Natalie obviously listened to this podcast she was talking to Cara

about this the other day because they like listening to this podcast because apparently all we do is talk about how much we love them and what not and they think

that's quite nice for them maybe we should actually spend the rest of this podcast talking about how easy it would be to cheat on them oh it would be easy to do but it would be about how easy it would be to cheat on them. It would be easy to dee, but it would be shite.

Aye. As long as they understand how easy it would be for us to cheat. And I know it's easy for them to cheat, let's be real. Oh, like if that's a given. Aye. Like if Cara wanted to. That wouldn't even be impressive. Oh, slow clap. Oh, slow clap.

Oh, well done. But we could hold our own. It's not a war they'd want to start. It would just be fucking shite. It would be shite like... You know what? Right, I've got to... Full disclosure.

Right. Cheating on Natalie Lowe. No, no. I've got to, full disclosure, cheating on Natalie loads of times. People would be fucking astonished

just thinking of the concept of that. Previous relationship, like, I had to hide my phone a couple of times because I had text conversations going on with the lasses.

This is like back when I'm in my early 20s. Aye. And with less attractive people, so it's okay. And it was fucking just tiring, man. It was just, you live in worry,

you're texting on the sly and that, and it's like, I dipped my feet in that world. I didn't like who I was. I didn't like the experience of it. Finding out how quickly you lie is never a comforting thing. Finding out you're a good liar is, you just go, oh no. It's not like finding out

you're really strong. It's like finding out, I don't know. I don't know. Who was it that said if you're honest you never have to remember anything? Is that a quote?

I mean, it's very funny that you don't remember. I never have to remember. No, you don't have to get your story straight on anything. And to live in that thing where you't have to get your story straight on anything

and to live in that thing where you've got to have your story backed up and you're fucking building this web of fiction to prop your life up about where you've been

or who you've been talking to or what you've been doing like no not for me that that was my I said to Cara day one of the relationship

is I'll just I'll never lie to you just because I can't be arsed I'll just be honest never lie to you just because I can't be arsed I'll just be honest the whole time and

and and she fucking fell for it what a mother hook line and fucking sinker I might I gave in to this bit but the fucking

the things I've managed to get they're not going to pay a pay-per-year on it of course not we'll get this on the pay-per-year we'll get this on the pay-per-year and all the stuff about them because they're not going to pay a Patreon of it. Of course not. I think it's not going to end there. We'll get this on the Patreon. We'll get this on the Patreon and all the stuff about them because they're not going to pay. Aye.

Stupid fat bitch. I tell you the other day, this is, she'll not appreciate me saying this on the podcast, but fuck her, she's had three podcasts where I've talked about

how much I like her, so I can tell this story about her. You know Cara, she's lovely, she's sweet, and in some things she's really, really smart and intelligent on. And then there's, you know, the rest of the world.

And then there's all other subjects. She's a bit slow on the uptake for some things. We were watching TV the other day and she's just watching out of the corner of her eye. And she turns up looking at the screen and it's a child in rags with a glass scooping muddy water out of a puddle. And it's a charity advert, obviously,

for Starving Kids in Africa. And she goes, Oh, is he getting tadpoles I'm like no you fucking northerner this is he's a protector man

yes baby yeah I know yeah they're having loads of fun out there yeah she's just turning it into frog spot and millions of them getting tadpoles

yeah every day every day walking 13 miles for tadpoles just carrying getting tadpoles every day walking 13 miles for tadpoles carrying the tadpoles back in a jar on our head

just for a school science project to be fair I think I should apologise that it probably wasn't starving kids in Africa because I think

that's I mean I'm not saying Africa's fixed but I'm pretty sure they don't like the fact I think that's now a very'm not saying Africa's fixed but I'm pretty sure they don't like the fact I think that's now a very outdated thing to be like

that's the poor country just assuming that you go to a third world country because I don't think Africa's not a third world country anymore it's a continent well

alright well that's a good point but I don't I can't remember what fucking book I was reading but I'm pretty sure it's out of it and they're just like

stop is this I mean I could easily be wrong are you just hold on are you are we finding out now

when Sloss and Humphrey is on the road that poverty in Africa is over no I'm not saying no sorry no no but it's not

they're not all like all of Africa next week world peace look guys look I'm going to get Palestine and I'm going to get Israel on the podcast

right and I'm just going to I'm going to make them and I'm going to get Israel on the podcast, right? And I'm just going to make them play chess together and we're going to sort this out once and for all. No. Obviously, you can't. Africa is fucking, it is a continent that's fucking massive. You can't say starving kids in Africa because there's starving kids in Europe.

There's starving kids in America. Yeah, they're saying, like, stop calling us every time there's starving kids, man. Kids, aye. Like, it's like, as if there's starving kids in Africa, as if there's starving kids kids aye like it's like as if there's starving kids in Africa as if there's not starving kids

literally everywhere there's just more flies buzzing around in Africa so it makes for a way more impactful starving child photo I also I think they've

I mean it depends on what part of Africa we're talking about and I've not been to any of it yet have you not no oh

South Africa you've got to come we've got to come aye we've got to do that we try to wean your fiance onto wine

aye because she's a fucking because she just likes hooch aye I love how much Natalie just casts shade on her

every time she offers her a drink well because it's said with so much attitude Cara has a very particular palate and that is juice juice aye aye

she likes alcoholic drinks to taste like juice or vodka juicy vodka yeah yeah or Natalie even like she'll offer you a glass of wine

or a whiskey or a whiskey or something and then she'll turn to Cara and went oh I don't really have any like... I don't have any boozy like bean ads for chocolate. I don't have any like that. I haven't put any Haribo through a soda stream,

so you'll probably just have to drink water. That's all right. You won't be putting a sippy cup. So Cara is... I'll tell you what, I'll drink a bottle of vodka and I can fucking breastfeed and you can have a white Russian

and have that You put milk in a white Russian don't you? I have found that my friend passed away and I was going to have a white Russian because that's the drink that she liked

and then I found out what it was and I just had a whiskey I was like I love you Liz and all that but Have you not had a white Russian? No Didn't seem good they're

they're alright like it's do you like Baileys aye right imagine a worse version of that oh right it's just that's what it is

I suppose yeah I know you mentioned Baileys Baileys is a milky alcoholic drink that I do like it's you could have one and then you're like

you know what it's kind of like one and then you're like you know what it's kind of like what barely work on your cereal hey I mean that's a question for when Mark Nelson's on the podcast

that's something you ask a man with depression get an actual alcoholic on for that gosh man aye

I'll tell you what I did one time I went there poured myself some Weetabix right put the Weetabix in the bowl pour you know you pour milk on the Weetabix Hi I'll tell you what I did one time I went to pour myself some Weetabix right put the Weetabix

in the bowl pour you know you pour on the Weetabix oh yeah ok fine sorry but I do get what you're saying

I didn't pour the Weetabix out of the packet I kind of like just made a mess with crumbs all over the desk where like desk

at school plot twist so at school got at my desk got at the teacher got at the teacher's fridge Aye Only a tiny bit of milk left Teacher's fridge?

I mean I was just Trying to spin off the bit That I was in the classroom Does your teacher not have a fridge? Well you know In the faculty We don't call it a faculty Staff room

Staff room The Ergo Endeavor went in there We're a teacher we were allowed to drink tea, coffee or hot chocolate in philosophy occasionally because Mr Duncan was one of them

cool teachers kids don't drink coffee well fifth and sixth year you were allowed to if you brought your own mug you could so I made myself a cup of tea

using the little bit of milk that was left it was enough to make a cup of tea just not enough to make a wee tabix poured it over my wee tabix bish bash bosh

Bob's your uncle tea tabix I was stunned in the morning I was delighted make a big I'm not saying that I'm not criticising

that was the that was the phase actually when when I was trying to teach myself how to roll you know how I can't roll aye

and it was when I lived in my flat in Ashton and I I just kept rolling myself the worst joints but like each of them it smoked aye

it got down and it had enough weed in it to get you really high but it just didn't feel like a success at the end of it so you're like, I'll roll another one. Basically, I can fold a cigarette.

Yeah, you can fold a cigarette. Now, there is such a thing as spliff snobbiness, right? And I'm fucking looking at you, Brett fucking Vincent here, right? People who are just like, I won't smoke that. Like, fuck fuck you it smokes like I understand you're very good at rolling

and Brett Vincent is a very good roller like remember that time he had a fucking roll off against Howard Marks backstage at Halitude

to who could roll the fucking best spliff he's very good at but I used to roll fucking Brett spliffs and he was like these are off

you can't fucking smoke these like it does the fucking job, mate. But on the other side, your ones were particularly bad. Yeah, get us out of Rome, then. That's not why I did it.

I'd love to be able to join the party, but... In the future, when I... I mean, put it this way, Scotland's got about, I'm going to say, 20 years... Scotland's got 20 years to legalise marijuana right before before I just start planting it anyway right

because I need that you can't wait till the kids are gone I'll have kids in a moment but I'll start fucking growing as much weed as I can then just to fucking for personal use then I really want to get into rolling nice either spliffs or blunts I just think it is just a class

skill to have you know what I feel I'm dead embarrassed that I can't roll a spliff man it's like not being able to take a throw in it's like fucking come on it's like driving an automatic it's a total bullshit thing where you're just like oh man

and I have tried I really fucking have you've sat with us it's just aye well I think it's because there's got if you can't

if you can roll you've gone through a part of your life where you were just where you were either a stoner or you were a fucking a rollie and you were just so used to

it became just making prison rollies prison rollies I tell you what I did do for a lot of years I miss prison rollies I miss prison rollies prison rollies I tell you what I did Dave for a lot of years I miss prison rollies I miss prison rollies at music festivals

aye I haven't had a smoke in six months did you miss it and you know what it's not it's not my go to now you know like

I fucking I tried some of your whiskeys the other night aye your Thurzo whiskey aye the wolf's fun fuck me

was I mulled it's good isn't it trying to play Call of Duty halfway through playing I was like I've got to put my contact lenses in

I can't see a fucking thing here I put my contact lenses in it was not my contact lenses it wasn't my fucking contact lenses like I was on my

earlier student Tom Horton a fucking I like I think I need to publicly apologise to them now that was fucking

wasted mate it's 58% the Wolfsburn Lang Skip Whiskey it's fucking delightful to get that drunk and not think about cigarettes you know what I mean to get to that level of sesh

and then not think like I need to go out to the shop and get some tabs or like for me it's not even on my mind when I'm drunk and that's what

to stop smoking which I've done in the past for periods of time right I have to stop drinking because I'll break when I'm drunk see I did

I did the opposite when I quit smoking and when I quit vaping like when I was off the. When I quit smoking and when I quit vaping, like when I was off the net, I mean, I say I quit fucking vaping, I just smoke weed every second of every day, but that's more of a lockdown thing than anything else. When I quit fucking the e-cig and the cigarette at the same time,

the only way I could do it was I had fucking war come round that night and we got a bag and we were both drinking and I had a pack of cigarettes and my ace had gone to the table and I was like, I have to get through, I have to get through a night

where I am off my tits. And there's another smoker there. And it's there and there's another smoker there and I've got the temptation, I've got to be able to resist it in my worst state. Resisting it when I'm fucking sober

is a pointless endeavour. Anyone cannot smoke when they're sober. That's a fucking piece of it when you're cunted, that's the challenge so I just used to put myself in training, that's a situation I haven't had yet, the one where I haven't been around smokers

just because of the way the world is so that's getting us to this point I've never been drunk around other smokers, that's the one where you bum a cig, and then you have to buy cigs because you don't want to be a bum. And then you've got some the next morning, so you smoke the next morning

because they're there, and you don't want to leave a pack. And that's how you get back onto it. But right now, right now, like after this fucking podcast, you tell me we just go out there, we walk down to the little fucking river there, or we go on the fucking bridge there,

and I plan you a fucking minty. Would be nice and that But it's like Nah I think I need to go on longer What we've said I'm still going to keep the packet with you Which is we've got one ticket per year Which is get to March

And none of us have used it Where you can go and write We're going to share a deck of cigarettes Oh yeah yeah yeah I buy a packet and go you've got to share a deck of cigarettes yep oh yeah yeah yeah I buy a packet and go you've got to split these with me or you buy a packet

and say you've got to split them when the packet's done the packet's done yeah and I think it's a good fucking system we did use them

both last year we used my packet when we did acid in the garden we were going to save years for fucking altitude yeah birthday was it my birthday yeah it was my birthday and that was the last one I had when we did acid in the garden we were going to save years of fucking altitude was it my birthday

yeah it was my birthday and that was the last one I had aye aye I also fucking smoked a bunch with Matthew no I didn't ma'am don't listen to this part of the podcast

are you snitch no did you shock your brother oh fuck him if you can't tell her come on absolute snake you are I will

I've found myself being pretty mundane lately though like there's not there's not much like I've moved into my house

I got out of bed at a reasonable hour I get up early I take my work out and all that play a bit of Rocket League through the day watch a movie when I'm in the evening but I've up early I take me workouts and all that play a bit of Rocket League through the day

watch a movie with Natalie in the evening but I find myself getting so mundane that I'm like I fucking have to just start smoking again just to have some

character I'm not going to start smoking again obviously but I'm like I didn't feel cool right now not the whole smoking thing

just the lack of social life thing the like you know how bad it is right I watched Thor whole smoking thing just the lack of social life thing they're like you know how bad it is right I watched Thor Ragnarok the other day you know when they have

the Hulk festival aye I really wanted to have a Hulk festival I wanted to get around with the Hulk float and the Hulk banner why

the Bruce banner that's my you fucking you're such a sneaky are you talking about are you talking about

you're some fucking nerve as well thank god this isn't a video podcast as well you fucking saved that facial reaction for the one we're

just doing fucking verbally aye are you trying to say that was your joke oh oh that's a very specific conversation it was very specific

it was like your fucking house the other day when you were telling this story and you went oh they had the Hulk banners

and I went I think you probably called them Bruce banners and you went ha ha ha ha you fucking honestly

what a weird claim odd claim so you've gone from fucking rolling over jokes to just plain up fucking nicking them have you

you fucking think that's better than you as if Natalie wasn't there as well she's going to be listening to this fucking episode she's going to listen

to you make that joke and she's going to go shh you stole another one you rat bastard it's my one vice stealing your jokes and rolling over them what my one vice

both of those things are my one vice the Olsen twins are my one vice the Olsen twins are my one vice the Olsen twins Mary Portnashley who would have thought that their

younger sister would get way more famous than them who's that what is that Brie Olsen no

Brie Larson no no Mary Kate and Ashley no no not Marvel No, Brie Larson, no. No. Mary-Kate and Ashley. No, no, I'm not Marvel. I'm talking about Brie Olsen. No, but you're also kind of close. Scarlet Witch is Mary-Kate and Ashley's younger sister. Is she?

Yeah, she's the younger sister. Wanda. Yes. Wanda. Wanda. Just doing it to the younger sister. Wanda? Yes. Wanda? Wanda? I'm just doing it to the tune of Linda. So she's the younger one. And she was also in...

I can't bring myself to watch WandaVision yet. I can't get excited about that. I'm going to watch it in lockdown. Fucking Cleveland show. Joey. You know what I mean? Like, no. What are you doing?

You've got enough good stuff. what are you doing with that stuff? WandaVision like you haven't even I can't well apparently you've got to stick with apparently it's like apparently it's worth it and a lot of people we respect have said it's good like my dad, Mark Nelson

have both went aye I like this dad Mark Nelson have both when I I like this grinding you down thing like the fucking series is now I get like men in the 1920s

they're just like they're just they're just kept at it until I liked them ah you've got that's that's American TV American TV shows

are always it's Stockholm Syndrome no no it's in the same way, the American comedies and the American dramas work in the exact same way, the difference between British stand-up and American stand-up, which is, in British stand-up,

you have to get the audience's attention within the first fucking five seconds and you've got to keep it for the first minute. La-la-la-la, pay attention here. Americans will watch you for three... They'll give you three minutes cursory watching regardless of what you're fucking doing. They're like that first round of

Anderson Silva when he used to just test his jab for five minutes and you'd be like oh you've got to see this guy, he's the best fighter that's ever walked the earth and then you'll spend like three minutes doing fucking nothing. To make a British person look at something you've got to convince a British person to look at something. American person will just

look at something for three minutes and then they'll go, okay, and then they'll move on. Neither's wrong, neither's right. So I, like, and I mean, it has worked with everything that you've done. Like when you said stick with Schitt's Creek, because I just didn't get it at first. I was just like, I don't get the acting. Which, by the way, you and Gene totally remind me totally remind me

of Stevie and John Stevie and oh god where's his fucking name John no no I know the names of the characters

David no no no I know the names of the characters David you're thinking Natalie's Natalie's screaming

at the podcast she's heard me crack that joke three names and then now she knows who I feel. Yeah, so I stuck with Schitt's Creek. It also was Daredevil when Daredevil first came out.

And I wasn't mad on the Marvel Universe at the time. I didn't even realise it was part of that universe even. Even though it's kind of it is but it isn't no you didn't give much of the Marvel movie Thor's was the one you never Thor I walked out

of the cinema Thor 2 alright but that is even Marvel fans will admit Thor 2 because I'd never seen any of the other ones really

I'd saw Iron Man right hadn't made the connection that Thor and Iron Man were the same universe right so like I'm just watching a complete standalone

film here and they were hiding behind their menus when someone was there and it was quite obvious that the person

could see them or whatever I can't even remember how it went but I just went sorry Danny

but I'm off like I'm fucking left in the cinema did you come with yes you left now

you made me but I've re-watched it since and it's still shit it's part of the run through but it was

one where I had like because Natalie wasn't convinced at all about the Marvel Universe but during lockdown I was like we're doing it

beginning to end I haven't seen all of them right through the ones I have seen I've seen out of chronological order like I want to I want to watch it through

so like let's do it and I had to just kind of I just but one of the films I watched at the cinema was that bad and then because

I preempted it with that it turned out to be as bad as before I don't know which four movie it is but one of my favourite four moments is when he has a coffee in the coffee shop and then throws the cup down and goes ANOTHER! that's just the first one

I want to do that all the time it's never far from remained when I finish a drink ANOTHER! that's one of my favourite Andrew Maxwell jokes it's never far from my mind when I finish a drink another that's one of my favourite Andrew Maxwell jokes it's just about the reason I love babies is because every baby

drinks like a viking like it's just both hands both hands on a big thing just glug glug dribbling out the side of its mouth

downs it all and then just sort of drops the cup falls to the side and then vomits on itself

you're like it's the closest we can get to Norse oh god I miss stand-up I miss I miss jokes

I miss fucking being I miss watching other people's sex not bad not everyone's like I know

there's some comedians listening to this being like oh that's nice not I know there's some comedians listening to this being like, oh, that's nice. Not yours. Not yours, no. Like, if you listen to this podcast, it's safe to assume that I'm not a fan of your stand-up.

Elliot, the offender. Oh, no, I forgot Elliot does listen. Oh, that feels so specific. Oh, that's not true. I really liked Elliot's last show. Was that the hour long one sure so not the 37 minute one no it was the hour one

aye aye the one for I love Elliot so much the one where Elliot sat down for bits of his show and then on the last show

I sat down on my chair on the show and he was like you nicked that from me and I was like yeah I sat I still sitting on a chair nicked that from me and I was like yeah I sat I still sitting on a chair

doing stand up from you Elliot I apologise I'll go tell Dave Allen oh wait he's dead is he yep yep he started it

I think I was talking on yeah I was having a cry on my Twitch stream the other day because you know when your knickers

are on a twist and you don't know why you've just got sand in your knickers no I'm only ever approachable and uh i was i was thrashing it out and i was talking about that how i miss uh i miss just like you're at you're at the comedy because you're at a gig but when you're sat in the room you're actually like a fan of the craft like to the point that you want to do it you know I was talking about some of the best ones

in the audience. You know when you do the Manchester Comedy Store and say you're on in the second section, right? And you can just go into the balcony and watch the full first section.

Someone like McFerrie will be on. Aye. Like hosting and just fucking weaving magic out of fresh air. And you're looking,

you're watching those guys like fuck man that's like incredible and then you'll say welcome to the stage Mark Nelson

and then you just go for a pint then you just say where's the boss just there I'll just

go Mark would be so wounded and also he's such a bad example

because he's one of the best in the world Mark's one of the ones I leave world. I might sort of want to have the green room for him. Whenever he walks in. Just bugging off our mates. Just slagging off our mates.

I can't do it to their face. No, we'll do that on the Patreon. They're not going to pay for it. All right, fair enough. Slag them all off. This is a Patreon episode. It's not actually. But that is out soon.

Do you want to explain it? Because I don't know what's happening People can support the podcast By signing up for a period How do they do that? So basically this is going to come out Every Wednesday from now on For free the way you normally get it Or if you just want to make sure

That it keeps happening You can like donate £3 a month That'll teach us to fish. African children will get tadpoles. Not African British. We have POV people here. Poor Scottish people.

So you can just make sure because if this is driven by you guys if you're invested in it that way we can't let you down. We can't just go, can't be bothered to drive to Edinburgh. Oh, Danny's in Australia

and I'm in Scotland. We're not going to do it. It's committing. We're to it. So for £3, you commit to it. You get it 48 hours earlier than the muggles. And then we'll have a second tier where you can pay a little bit more

and get some bonus features and we'll create more stuff for you. We're going to do a video after this. And bearing in mind here's exactly why you should do it if you're a fan of the fucking

two woke cucks part of this podcast whenever I go to Cameron James bear in mind I'm going to Australia in

two fucking weeks time so maybe it's fucking best you do support it if you want anything like that coming out

and I'm going to do a podcast with Mark Nelson so if you don't so last time Mark Nelson was on he'd done the school run and then turned up at my hotel with a bag of cans

did the podcast and then drove to pick them up he did he did I can have Mark Nelson on between the school runs that should be the name of his podcast. So I'm going to have a feature. I'm going to have two more cooks and we're going to have between the school runs.

Between the school runs with Martin Nelson. So you're going to get them. Me and Danny are going to do videos of us answering your questions. We're going to do one now, but nobody's sent in questions because this is the first one

I mean the mate of I could have checked the email there probably is questions we're doing

this on my OBS I'm going to do it on your OBS record it send me the file

and then I'll put it on that's going to be the first bonus thing is me and you asking questions from

the audience even though nobody's I've got questions from the audience and you you asking questions from the audience to each other. Even though nobody's... I've got questions from the audience and you've got questions from the audience that we wrote but we're going to pretend they're off the audience. I mean, I wouldn't pay for any of this shit. But thank you if you are.

So you'll get stuff like that. We're going to just fucking put in a ray of random shit and perks and you know, when we start touring again...'ll give you early access to it it's late stage capitalism

just give us your fucking money that's it is that your plug that's it just give us it it's all over

thanks for your support it means everything to us aye aye that's what it translates into aye

but so this is what they're getting for free so should we just carry on this lull I just

let you to this should we just swim in this lull for a bit aye

this is what you get if you didn't pay us very quick on the patreon

podcasts we edit out the lulls but on these ones aye

never know a log so it depends what you want really it depends what you're looking for on your podcast But on these ones... Aye, then we're now a log. It depends what you want, really. It depends what you're looking for in your podcast. You see this sketch of my eye? What have you done there? What did I do?

It kind of hit me. What with? What? What with? Her fingers. Just clawed at you? Aye. Like a cat? Aye.

What were you doing? Dangling ya yarn in her face minding minding my own business oh yeah aye just I was just

I was actually on my computer and I was I think I was donating money to a charity or something or em virtually saving an orphan from a burning bus

aye and she'd just come up and was like stop that everything for a reason aye just she went calm as a bitch and I was like what have I done and she was like I that everything for a reason she went calm as a bitch

when I was like what have I done she was like I don't know why is she scratching you in real life she just fell she was falling I was on the couch she was falling off the side

and instead of putting her hand on a pillow to stable herself she was like I know what's her hand on a pillow to stable herself she was like I know what's firmer than a pillow an eyeball I'll just I'll just squish

the eyeball in aye I can't say it now actually domestic abuse aye do you want to what can you not

are you going to be alright well I mean I thought you'd noticed this black spot that I'd drawn on the palm of my hand do you flinch when she moves now

erm yes but mainly because I think she's I thought you'd noticed this black spot that I'd drawn on the palm of my hand. Do you flinch when she moves now? Yes. But mainly because I think she's starting a race. That was one of your first jokes. What? About when your dad's in customs and he takes his belt off and you and your brother are like, Daddy, no.

Joe Caulfield's got a better one, which is, I remember when I was young, my dad got really mad. He used to take off his belt and, fuck, he ruined us. I don't think she said ruined, but that was the pastime of Jesse Shack, them instead.

Oh, I miss watching Stand Up, man. You've all got to get a day or two. I am. You've got two weeks in quarantine. You'll be able to watch loads on Netflix. I'll get to fucking go I mean I'll I'll properly

go and watch there's not many he's gone out there you know I know it's you, Carl Donnelly Stephen Scopeless but he was over

well he's one of them he's over there yeah and there's a couple of like actors that live out there as well like Gordon Southerner

and that who but as far as the British circuit goes these are pretty much there's about five years carrying with ambassadors

don't let me down I've got to get you're not just playing out there in your boots you're wearing my boots yeah different country aye aye

that's my shirt on your back you're representing I'm looking forward to it Yeah. Country, aye. Aye. That's my shirt on your back. You're representing. I'm looking forward to it. Good to see people. Got to watch some shows. Aye.

I think... Oh, I mean... What was the last show you watched as a punter? Oh, God, I mean... That's... Oh, God. Weirdly... Did we watch... oh god I mean that's oh god weirdly did we what Demi Lardner

and Tom Walker they both did their show in Melbourne in 2019 it must have been festival that's what I'm thinking

of 2019 Melbourne Fringe Michelle Wolfe I went to see Michelle Wolfe in Melbourne and I feel like that's the last show that I went to see that I wasn't part of the show

because everything after that was tour or gigs. And then we just couldn't. And at the Edinburgh Festival, we didn't do the full run. We'd just done them like four or five days. At the Playhouse.

Don't say just four or five days. Oh, wait a minute. At the Playhouse. You wanted just four or five days at the playhouse you wanted to mention that well yeah we did four or five days

we didn't just do them at the fucking playhouse we still did better than everyone there that's the important thing

thanks for saying we there I'm clearly than that oh wait a minute that fringe I

think I went to see Liam Whiffniel Liam Whiffnall. Liam Whiffnall's show might have been the last show I've seen. Surely not. No, we must have seen. We didn't see it.

Oh, my God. I fucking, like, I miss live comedy. We've got to. Even if they went, you don't have to start until 2022 but you can start watching it again this year and be like mint that's a big part of it just go down and fucking I'd love to just stand

at the back of fucking Red Raw for a bit aye just watch some fucking three day old comics bomb with shite cringe out of my skin I just watched the one or two that have got promise But they're like stepping on their own jokes a bit too much

And they're talking a bit too fast But you know they've got it They're getting enough laughs to really get the buzz When they come off stage But they're also still partly doing an impression of someone else And you go alright you're still doing a fucking Whether it be Mitch Hedberg routine or

sorry not routine but cadence so when we started because we restarted at a similar time we were like a year before me

but when I started for sure people were doing Stuart Lee impressions and none of them were getting fucking anywhere none of them

were getting anywhere because they weren't they didn't think there was importance on Punchline because he he can captivate an audience so long without getting to the big laugh and when the big laugh comes it's worth it so like stuart stuart lee nails that style because he's got a

wealth of experience and he got there but i i remember coming through in a time when open makes were doing that and sometimes hostile rooms and they just didn't have it. I was just like, all you have to do to win in this environment is get a punchline a minute. Aye, that's it. And you're winning your competition. Aye. And then there was a Bill Burr phase. I went through a Bill Burr phase.

I went through a Louis C.K. phase. You went through a Tom Stade phase. I went through a Tom Stade phase. I went through an Ed Byrne phase. You went through the Tom Stade idios went through an Ed Byrne phase the Tom Stade idiosyncrasy that you picked up the most was pretending to talk while they're laughing

away from the mic as if you had a little afterthought that was just for yourself so you could see your lips moving and your eyes looking as if you were thinking but you weren't specifically saying anything and I'd spotted that in Tom and then I saw you doing it and i was like oh you've absorbed that from staying you know uh you know dave chappelle's uh

how he hits the mic off of his leg somebody's laughing that's tony woods is that yeah that's good so tony woods is there i mean even dave shipel admits that tony was the one that inspired him but i remember watching tony woods uh for the first time because i didn't know who he was the one that fucking inspired him but I remember watching Tony Woods for the first time because I didn't know who he was the first time I watched him when I was about fucking 20 or 19 in Oz and I remember I was like oh my god he just stolen that thing off Dave Chappelle and the head of the comedy store was like nope

wrong way round and I was like oh my god I think that was the moment where you just fucking realise you go I can't believe Dave Chappelle obviously Dave Chappelle was inspired by people obviously the greats are inspired by people

and obviously the people that are inspired by aren't as always fucking successful as they are wasn't Romesh that started the wave of people dropping

the mic down by the side Romesh you know you do a punchline it bangs people start laughing your hands drop no that wasn't

that wasn't Romesh nah because I remember like so Mac done that and't that wasn't Ramesh because I remember like some act on that and then that just seemed to be a thing where you'd get a bunch

of open mic guys or like tell a joke that's like underwhelming they're expecting a big laugh that the

Frankie always Frankie so the mic goes below the hip it's almost like it's a good bit of stagecraft because it buys

a round of applause people are laughing but if you drop the mic down, it's like you're waiting for more, and the applause would come, and you'd see that somebody must have started that because that's not a bit of stagecraft I remember from the early days, but then it's something that you'd see quite a lot of. I remember when we started, everyone was doing a Russell Kane impression

or a Russell Hamilton impression. Oh, stretch, either way. Skinny jeans and lunging. Aye. So they couldn't just stand still while they were talking. A lot of, and I was absolutely guilty of this. I fucking understand.

You were doing groin stretches on stage, weren't you? Oh, no, I didn't do groin stretches. I wasn't that bad, but one of the ones that amongst, it's such a fucking hack thing that people do. They've definitely done it. But you know when you do like an impression of something and then you're like,

I don't know what my hand's doing there yes you do like you've done that you've done that riff a thousand fucking times and also you put your hand in that position like oh so he's standing

over here saying this I don't know what my hand's doing over there that's so weird like I'm so kooky I don't know what I'm doing yeah aye

faux improv aye faux improv aye aye god I miss I'm getting faux improv because I'll do I'll do an improv that gets a ding laugh

and then I'll go oh they'll not know tomorrow that that's not improv if I get that right that's fine what I mean is specifically like

the fucking I've just done this oh this weird bit in the moment you can redo an improv I think is a different half of just

repackaging a fucking lie and that's why I think it's class it's just going I'm going to make every single one of you think I just came up with this right now. You fucking idiot.

Well, with stand-up, I feel like there is that illusion of spontaneity anyway, where you've got to talk like you're just thinking of this now. I'll tell you who's the best at it. Ross Noble. He looks like he's making it all up on the spot and then you'll see him the next day. And you go, what the... Ross Noble is absolutely he looks like he's making it all up on the spot and then you'll see him the next day

and you go what the Ross Noble is the absolute fucking master of like I'm just coming up with this aye play it in the fresh air

I fucking I think Ross Noble is one of the not only one of the funniest comedians as a bloke he's one of the best just if last time I was in Australia

I was in was it Perth or Adelaide I was in Australia I was in was it Perth or Adelaide I was just flying somewhere you know what I'm like at an airport fucking

headphones in not paying much attention and I'm just in the queue and I just hear behind me somebody's just going

oh my god it's Daniel Sloss oh that's that's definitely that's definitely that's definitely Daniel Sloss should we go talk to him that's definitely that's definitely Daniel Sloss should we go talk to him

I'm like oh fuck don't don't talk to him just just touch him just like touch his ear

just touch his touch his neck or something you just turn around and go you fucking dead to fucking snap your fingers off your little clod

and I did and I spat on Ross Noble's face what's up Ross I've only I spat on Ross Noble's face what's up Ross I've only met him once before seven years ago but he was like I saw you over there and I've just been following you for a bit I'm like fucking class

man so we went through security because he knows that that's something that absolutely would wind up. So do you know how was it my first ever Fringe Festival in 2010 my first ever full hour Festival in 2010 my first ever full hour I'd been up doing

the competitions in 2009 so 2010 I've got my first show I still work at the time I've got a full time job to go back to after August

and I finished the show and there was a woman in the front who had been a really good sport and

it's because my show was filth I'm 25 i'm me right we show was filth right and this woman was this elderly woman who was really sweet and i was like i put it on at the beginning i was like this show totally depends on how much you're going to enjoy it because if you're disgusted by the stuff i come up with everyone's going to feel really awkward it's like sweating in front of me grand kind of thing right this woman was a belt a sport and she laughed at everything and like yeah

she was such a big part of the show for that specific show that I got her a big round of applause or something and then I just heard the shout from the back

which was like where's my round of applause or something like that right and I was like fucking eh she was like

where's my round of applause I went get the lights up who's that and it was Ross Noble's ma'am right and she just went she used to be my school teacher Miss Noble's my round of applause I went get the lights up who's that and it was Ross Noble's mam right and she just went she used to be my school teacher

Miss Noble was my head of year I was always in trouble I'd always end up in detention with her and she just went ah you used to give me shit when I was at work

I thought I'd come to your place and show it I was like I'll wait until the end and I got up and gave her a hug and all that

and I remember touching people in the middle of the show never met Ross Noble but aye spent loads of time with his ma oh he's great

he's eh he's fucking sound so I've got some stuff to say about your dad speaking of speaking of parents speaking of parents of comedians

who the fuck's just phoned me I'm fucking mad this is a podcast from Tyrell oh we've got a I've got a cameo to do Speaking of parents of comedians. Who the fuck's just phoned me? I'm fucking mad. This isn't podcast material. Oh, I've got a cameo to do. I'll do that. You can get in that as well, because that's a podcast listener.

Hold on, let's... I'll not do it on the podcast, because it's a surprise for the birthday. I'll not say it now. Aye. But, right. Your dad opens cans of tuna with his teeth.

When your dad was in school, he swapped a Scotland bad shiny that he needed for one half of the England squad, which he already had three of. Not even remotely true. That is, aye. There it is.

Your dad has a tongue like a chameleon and he uses it to catch other people's bogeys that they try to flick away Your dad got rushed into hospital Because I did a got your nose But really committed to the bit

Your dad thinks all dogs are Christians And all cats are Jews And has spent most of his retirement Circumcising the field line population Your dad videos himself giving money to homeless people for his YouTube channel and then he asks for it back when he stops filming. Your dad pisses upwards when it rains

to remind the sky of who's really boss. The boss is gravity. Gravity always, always wins. Your dad went to confession to tell the father about all the sins he had at Weight Watchers. Your dad's got a little hole in the side of his head and if you put a paper clip in it and hold it down for five seconds,

basically it just resects him and he forgets everything that happened in the last hour and he only ever uses it whenever you've popped round for a cuppa. And you always spend the rest of the day wondering what his bum's sore