Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.11 Drugs, Porn and Patreon

Episode Date: March 17, 2021

Dealing with drug dependancy and deal breakers in porn flavour the first Patreon early access episode with a pinch of despairing at the world and smattering of cringing at their past. 

Welcome to Sloss and Humphreys On The Road, our very first Patreon episode. So if you're a member of our Patreon, you get early access, you listen to this on Monday. If you listen to this anywhere else, you've got it from Wednesday onwards in the cheap seats at the back. So thank you to the Patreons who signed up. The reason this podcast went ahead because we were about to pit her out into obscurity and now we're continuing to go forever and ever and ever and a day plus one. This is a fun episode. It's a bit melancholy at the start we start reminiscing about the old world

and being a bit sad but then we cheer up and start talking about porn so classic muggins and cream all the way enjoy and if you're not signed up to Patreon already you should at least do that and you'll get your next episode early and you're going to get some bonus content now that we're about to record right now. All right.

Look, go and listen to this podcast while we record that. I'm talking too much. Bye. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles.

Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park.

Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? If you want to be my muggins you've got to get with my cream. These boys are straight thuggin'

they're li're living the dream so what do you think about that? I mean you've just taken the standard intro but put a song to it it's very Steve Gribben of you it's very musical comedy of you like the

you know not to disparage not yes not to disparage many musical comedians but you know the musical comedians that just

change the words to songs just change the words to songs and they're like why don't we get famous and we're like well but I mean that's what I was doing aye

but not as a career no no Why don't we get famous? And we're like, well. But I mean, that's what I was doing. Aye. But not as a career. No, no. Do you like the jingle? Sure. That was a little bit of bang for the buck for the Patreons. Because, by the way, happy Monday to the Patreons. Thanks for subscribing.

Oh, so they get this early, do they? They get it. Some people listen on Wednesday for free. All of the topical jokes have aged terribly. Terribly. Especially. In fact, there's some really dated stuff in there. Especially nowadays when it's fucking new.

Lots is happening all of the time anyway. I kind of keep up with it or formulate an opinion on it based on the fucking bar art. Obviously, you can make some firm opinions on some stuff. on the fucking bar like obviously you can make some firm opinions on some stuff but there's just

so much shite in the news and on social media that you're like I want to know what the real story is but how do I

sift through this anymore aye there's no more it's like to go out there and work out what's happening it's it's a fucking study

you've got to get like seven different sources and then find the common through so that bit's true because that's mentioned in all seven but these have decided it's a fucking study you've got to get like seven different sources and then find the common through by right so that bit's true because that's mentioned in all seven but these have decided

to spin it this way and these have decided to spin it this way and this is being spun that way and you go is there any fucking news that just goes here's

back in the day that's what you they'd sit down on telly and they'd go hello my name's John probably didn't even say their fucking name because it didn't matter

it wasn't about me being a celebrity back then. Like, hello, I'm the newscaster. Tomorrow it's going to rain. Today it was snowy. There's a new prime minister. Now on to sports. And that was it.

These are the things that happened. Aye. And I don't have an opinion on these things because that's not what I'm paid to do. The newspapers aren't trying to steer you in a direction of... In the opposite direction to other newspapers. They're steering people

in opposite directions on every topic so that you get angry at the other side. Aye. So you don't pay attention to the top ones. So I was finding in the election,

I was trying to like... I was watching... I was reading news outlets that I knew the fucking muggles while reading. Aye. You know, the majority. The Daily Mail.

The majority. Children's newspapers. Yeah. Easily read, easily, like, there's just, it's not even a news, but it's the fucking tabloids of, here's your opinion, ready served. That's what these tabloids do. You go, what do I think today?

I don't want to hear a news story, right, and then compare it to my morals, my ethics, and then work out how I feel about it. I'd much rather be spoon-fed what my exact fucking thoughts are. Thank you, The Sun and The Daily Mail. You start getting angry about shit that you couldn't

care less about. Right, it's wild. I'm getting really worked up about the royals. The fucking Kardashians. I still can't I can't even pretend to give a fucking shit about any of them like from the bottom of my heart fuck the Queen and fuck Meghan Markle I don't care

but Meghan Markle didn't do it she joined the royal family, she's as bad as them I watched that interview did you watch it? No I sat down and watched it and just out of interest

you know I had my curiosity piqued about what was going on and it's just all a fucking circus the whole thing it's fucking

like some kind of fucking panto it's like Guy Guy there's a fucking there's a pedophile

in that family Who none of them Are dealing with Every last fucking One of them Including Meghan Markle And Harry Are fucking complicit in that

There's a paedophile In the fucking And nothing's happening In the Op Re interview One of the first things She said is that Nothing's off limits To talk about

This is no holds barred It's like really fucking Seltzerless Like we're gonna dive into everything not a fucking mention that there was a pedo

in the ranks aye around her children you know and eh child and em and you're just like

is it off limits or did you did you literally lie to her in the fucking start of the interview aye

is that what happened? Or did you just forget to bring up the fact that there's a fucking straight up pedo in the palace? A literal pedophile. Aye. You know the guy that went to, there's no proof that he fucked a kid, but he did go to Pedophile Island on several occasions

with Lord Pedophile himself. To be fair, they could have been playing squash, but I imagine they were playing squash my balls between the ass cheeks of a child. Noncery. Why am I meant to respect anyone in that fucking family or care about,

fuck them all, fuck every last one of them. And, there's part of us that was going, like, all of the stuff that you said should have been a deal breaker early doors

to just not follow through with that relationship and I have no romance and true love now that right but if I had to get an ounce of that static off Natalie's family

right who I fucking Natalie I love with all of my heart right but the way Megan was talking about that life

that she'd fucking bought into to be with him like I wouldn't have gotten past the dating phase. And I love my wife dearly. But all of those things that she mentioned,

what, a deal breaker. Like, bin the cunt. Aye. Bin him. Well, that's the bit.

Like, I absolutely have sympathy for her because I think the media attention on her is and has been fucking barbaric. Awful. You just have to, I don't pay attention on her is and has been fucking barbaric

awful you just have to awful I don't pay attention all you have to do is look at who's on what side and you can kind of work out what the right side

of the story to be on is like the second you see certain people going well she's done this I'm like oh is that what you think I'm just when you're saying that

people are more upset about the whitest black girl you've ever seen right more than they are about a paedophile a literal paedophile When you say that people are more upset about the whitest black girl you've ever seen, right? Aye. More than they are about a paedophile. A literal paedophile. You go, that means you're the most racist piece of shit that's ever walked this fucking earth.

So if anybody's like Team Royals and not Team Megan at any point, you know exactly who you are. Aye. You are, you genuinely, you're a paedo-apologist That's it Aye You don't get to have Any fucking moral ground If you've got anything

Against Meghan Markle Because there's a Fucking pedophile That's not been Fucking questioned So if you're Invested If you're invested

In the royal family Enough to be outraged About the prince's wife You are Absolutely Invested enough To be outraged About the other Prince's Victims Aye Yes aye the prince's wife you are absolutely invested enough to be outraged about the other

prince's victims yes aye there's many many many many children we fucked so if the lane you are in is meggles a conniving cunt

the lane you are also in is fucking hold on we've got bigger fish to fry aye it's just just not fucking worth it I mean

and again this is this is us talking about what the media is wanting us to talk about. To be fair, there is fuck all else. There's all I can put. That's true. That is true. I haven't been watching too much news anyway. It makes us dead sad.

I'm slowly... I haven't watched the news in ages and... There's some things you get I do want to cover some topics on this podcast like the shit that went the shit that went down in London the vigil say it out of the air tonight

like in the police fucking what the fuck was that about I've not seen any of it I don't watch the news well basically there was a vigil not a protest What the fuck was that about? I've not seen any of it. I don't watch the news. Well, basically there's a vigil, not a protest. But in some media, this is again where I get fucking outraged with the media, man.

In some media outlets, they've labelled it as a protest. The protest that no one's protesting. They're holding candles. And yes, people are angry. So maybe they're not on the street protesting, but they're on the street angry that they're not safe. And then the police put their hands on them.

Aye. What the fuck? I get angry, I get speechless, I don't know how to react, I don't know what to do with me. I mean, I've got a small voice on the social media platform, but I don't know what to do with my, I mean, I've got a small voice on the social media platform, but I don't know what to do with my voice. Mate, trust me, trust me, using your voice does not always have the best fucking consequences for yourself.

Believe me. Aye, I've seen that. Aye, that's why I'm off fucking Twitter forever now. That's me done, handed it over to Marlene, I went, change went change the password do whatever you want I'll never log in again yeah Twitter's done for you done Facebook I managed to free myself off about fucking

four years ago like that was when I stopped I did go onto Facebook the other day just on Twitch just when I was doing daydreaming with Dan

just got a watch to go through like all the old photos that I still had on Facebook fuck we were young nostalgia's free aye we used to be fucking children well I mean you were still an adult all the old photos that I still had on Facebook. Ah, nice. Fuck, we were young. Nostalgia is funny. Aye, we used to be fucking children.

Well, I mean, you were still an adult when I was a child. I just look like Prince Andrew holding your hand to gigs. So I've been not diving that far back into nostalgia where I started listening to a podcast back from episode one so I can just like cut things out

and put them onto the Patreon so I can get the old Muggle corners and just some clips, two to five minute clips of conversations we've had. It's fucking funny listening back. We were stoned always. Aye. I say it to you while you're stoned.

No, no, no, no. I'm a drug addict, so I'm slowly dealing with that. We couldn't do one of these podcasts without pausing for a spliff break twice I think it was

I think they were more entertaining back then and more or less sad I think that was back when spliff was fun for me

that was back when it was like hey if we're doing a podcast we might as well fucking be high for it which is opposed to what marijuana's

become in the last fucking three years which is a painkiller especially during all this so I've just like I've come off weed now not forever which is opposed to what marijuana has become in the last fucking three years, which is a painkiller. Aye. Especially during all this. So I've just like, I've come off weed now, not forever, but for a period of time, just because I was fucking, it was getting to the point where I was sitting going,

how do I get it into my hotel, like my quarantine hotel when I'm in Australia? And then I had to go, listen to yourself. Aye. Like that is the most addicting fucking shit in the world like you can't go fucking two weeks so and I've always had this thing like you know in December I was like I'll go sober in January right or for the past couple weeks it's like when I go to Australia I'll just go sober then it's always some fucking distance point point in the future I was just like no I'll stop now, just for a bit just fucking put my hands back

on the wheel because Jesus has his hands on the wheel for a while and fucking hell he made me a drug addict I think he knows it makes me more spiritual It's going to be so funny when you're coming to quarantine and you just fucking instantly go, well, that's what because that's what alcoholics do, you know, right? Alcoholics

will go like, I'm going to go 100 days without drinking and they can do it. And then after that. And then after the 100 days, they're like, boom. So it's actually like what you're doing now about dealing with your

drug addict tendencies is showing bigger footprints of being a drug addict. Aye, but I'm not, I'm not, I'm just going to, I've gotten rid of my pen.

Have you? Yep. So my thing is now, what I'm going to try to do is it's just got to be recreational and it's not recreational if you own it. Like there's nothing... You've got to get it in for recreation.

There's nothing recreational about having a drawer of weed. Like that's not. Like that's just there. So I've got rid of my fucking pen and I'm just going to try and get fucking well I'm just going to

there was a time in my life when I used to be able to like if I woke up fucking miserable or whatever I'd be able to do it myself whereas it was just I was going for the easier step like I'm not I still have it within my arsenal to fucking be in a good mood just weed was the cheat. Yeah. Like, you know, there's easier ways to feel good. What you do is you get up, right, you

fucking meditate, you go for a fucking three minute warm shower, a one minute cold shower, you fucking do deep breathing, you fucking have a lovely healthy breakfast, you go for a run, you exercise, and that makes you feel good by 12 o'clock. Or, strawberry cough at 9am. That's just a wake and bake a good old fashioned wake and bake a good old fashioned wake and bake and the problem with me is it just got to the point

especially during this you know it's the pandemic man it just compresses fucking everything I was doing it every day and it wasn't affecting my life but I was doing it every day and I was just like it wasn't affecting my life but I was just like that's not a good enough

thing you can't wait until it ruins your life before you fucking stop it so have you got Cullen on the same page as he is we're both living this life do you want to come with us on trying to sort it out or is he just happy to go on down that direction Cullen's not as bad as me Cullen's very Cullen's not as bad as me

Cullen's very good Cullen can go you know he'll do it at 8pm you know his is still because he's only been smoking weed for

two years now so it's still like new to him so I don't think he's in a position where it's in control of him but it was

absolutely in control and it still is in control of me like every morning I've woke up, I've been like, how are you? And they're like, I want weed. Like, I'm not going to.

Like, it's not like a difficult thing where if you put the fucking weed in front of me, my hand's shaking towards it, and I'm like, it's like the one ring. And I'm like, I just need the power. You're not going to suck a dick for it. I'm not going to suck a dick for this clip. Like, it's not that bad.

But you would struggle to name any moment that my brain doesn't think can be improved by marijuana. Yeah. Well, I've always had the thing about marijuana, and we've spoken about this before, is that for me, it's like you've got a busy desktop, you've got a lot of things open. I look on my Mac and I've got Audacity's open,

OBS is open, fucking my internet browser's open, my banking's open. I've got a bunch of shit that's I look on my Mac and I've got like Audacity's open OBS is open fucking my internet browser's open my banking's open like I've got a bunch of shit that's like in me life right and then just having a spliff

just closes a few of them windows and then I leave one of the windows open and it's Netflix or something right so basically in me

in me own mind I've got a bunch of shit going on I'm moving into this house I'm fucking wondering like trying to sort my diary out for when the the gigs reopen I've got a bunch of shit going on. I'm moving into this house. I'm fucking, um, wonder, like trying to sort my diary out for when the, the gigs reopen.

I've got all these things going on. It's constant fucking multiple bubbles of like cloud bubbles, thought bubbles above your head. And having a spliff just switches a couple of them off. Now, the thing is the reason that them windows are open, the reason that them thought bubbles are above your head is because they need to be addressed. Right.

And if you're constantly minimizing them, you're never minimising them, you're never addressing them. So the niggling feeling of shit that you need to get done is just going to grow, and that's probably where paranoia and... Aye, that sort of yeah, yeah, because it's just in your head. For me, it's the shutting off the...

Not the voices in my head, because I guess that makes me sound schizophrenic but just like your inner monologue becomes funner it becomes kinder to you my inner monologue is my inner monologue during this isn't great

during this fucking pandemic is not good so marijuana was the thing that just made it hey who gives a fuck there's nothing else to do in the day you know what I like getting high because it makes it silly So marijuana was the thing that just made it. Hey, who gives a fucking shit? There's nothing else to do in the day. Yeah, and you know what? I like getting high because it makes it silly. I like having a drink because it makes it silly.

Like, I'm a lot duller when I'm not high and not drunk. So they are good, like, social lubricants, right? But you're not treating it as such. It's not a social lubricant for you. It's just your fucking... Aye, it's just the... you're lubing yourself up to sit there and play on your phone aye, but yeah just because if I did that sober I'd beat myself up for it aye

so you'd just get yourself a hall pass but it's also like I still need to learn how to I know we've had a fucking year and a half off but I'm still bad with time off I still need to learn how to, I mean, I know we've had a fucking year and a half off, but, you know, I'm still bad with time off. Like,

because so much of our time off used to be condensed, right? We'd go on tour for four months, and then I'd be home for two weeks or three weeks before I had to fly to Australia, and then I'd be home for two weeks before I had to fly to America. You could cherish that time off. Oh, you fucking condense

the time off you go right those three weeks because I've been on tour I'm going to fucking smoke weed as much as I want because I'm fucking home I'm going to chill

I'm going to lie on my couch because I've not been home for ages I'm going to set my house I'm going to fucking play Xbox and I'm going to eat like shit because I tried my best on the road

made it quite well there but I want to and then so when I've been home this entire time my brain's just been like class this is the longest

three weeks in the entire fucking world it's Bruce Bogtrotter from Matilda you know when he has a bit of cake because he likes the cake

and then Bruce's trunchbull's like you want cake fucking eat all of that cake oh no but I did do it I finished all the wheat

I smoked all the marijuana well I keep having a little like because I I can't get enough done in a day that I want to get done

I'll write myself little lists and I'll have in my head that I even if the stuff that I want to get done is like watch the rest of

the Mandalorian season knit a bit of my hat right even if it's recreational stuff that I want to get done play a little bit

of fucking PlayStation right as well as a list of things that I've got get done play a little bit of fucking Playstation right as well as a list of things that I've got admin wise and like stuff for the online content

like I'll have like a little list like that and I'll feel like I take the tiniest chunk out of it in a day and I'm like those fucking 16 hours there

how did I manage to spread them so fucking thin across the things I want to get done I've managed in fucking three weeks to watch three episodes

of The Mandalorian. How am I too busy for that? I bought a computer game, Bloodborne, I think it was. I haven't started playing it yet. I bought it two weeks ago. I'm like, where's my time management? How have I decided, ooh, I've got all this time off, I want to do these things. Yet there's still a bunch of shit

that I haven't done and I just can't... It's like time's gone fucking abstract for us alright I tried my fucking hardest at the start to have a fucking daily routine

like a drug addict you know fucking as I create fucking big homes like I don't make my bed why would I make my bed what am I recovering

alcoholic and I need structure in my life I don't make my bed that's brilliant but it's so fucking true man I've gotten into the right fucking

just normal muggle day loop now where I just I'm going to bed at the same time I'm getting up at the same time I'm working out

at the same time meals are the same time they're on a plan we go out to the shop on the same time on a sunday for a click and clicked well like i i'm in that routine right where you could press fast forward in your life and get old and die like there we are lock it in lock it in this forever fast forward and then like you know if somebody suggests something spontaneous I'd be like well that would

break the routine yeah but how where am I gonna fit that in Sunday do you when I click I pick up bindi

bindi that is the part like I do I mean I know we all do but I do wonder the fucking long term effects

of this fucking pandemic first of all we're all gonna be socially autistic when we come out it keeps dawning fucking long-term effects of this fucking pandemic. First of all, we're all going to be socially autistic when we come out. It keeps dawning on us about this as well, the magnitude of it, even after a year, right? Just driving to yours now, and then realising I wanted to swing to the pharmacy

before I come here, right? And I'm like, ooh, have I got my mask? And I check the little side pocket of my car, and the mask's there. And I'm just'm just like oh this is just fucking life now like i wouldn't have been able to go to the shop without that mask and that shop's only open because it's a pharmacy and there's so much shut and it's like because i'm so conditioned myself to live in this little bubble that i've just spoke about with my routines that like i'm forgetting that there's a much bigger world than the one that I've just fucking snow globed myself into

and like you said we're going to be socially inept we're not going to know how to talk to each other I think a lot a lot of people are going to suddenly develop social anxiety they're going to go out they're going to be a big group and they're going to go how do you do this

again like how do we how do you talk to your friends what do i do if my friend's talking and i want to say do i just interrupt them or do i wait what's the fucking rules again how do we uh i think i think there's going to be a generation of shit kids as well and it's not them it's not it's not going to be their fault but like I'm all to save the lives of the worst generation that ever walked the fucking planet. So they can vote Tory again. And then

fucking die. Oh it makes absolutely no sense I'm in my third fucking lockdown the third kick in for my mental health so a bunch of 85 year old cunts who dodged war because they were too young for it but demand the respect of hiding in a fucking bunker

who could have stayed in anyway I've kind of got this little hope that we're going to have a little stutter when we first come out of it where we've got this little hope that we're going to have a little stutter when we first come out of it where we've got a little bit of Stockholm Syndrome to our own little ego system that we've built. Like what I was saying, that little routine, that snow globe that we're in. There's going to be a little bit of like,

you're not going to want to step too far outside of that little comfort zone you've built for yourself, but the first couple of big experiences that you have, whether it's your first concert your first festival your first holiday and you just get that rush of social energy again I think then

that'll be when we'll like start having a lust for life again I think it's and you'll not take it for granted like you might have done

in the past that's why I said because I'm off to Australia next week and Jean's obviously very excited, because she hasn't seen me in so long. I fucking love Jean. I miss Jean a lot.

Aye, yes, I mean, I miss her greatly, but it was very, very funny, because I was speaking to her the other day, and, like, look, we've all changed during fucking lockdown. We all grow, we all learn and stuff, but just talking to her, I realised the last time Jean saw me, compared to her i realized the last last time

jean saw me compared to me like last time jean saw me was in the like me deep in the depression of fucking x that was me and when we were in australia the fucking two shows a day like just yeah just after hong kong yeah just after when the bubble burst and fucking so the last time jean saw me was that when and that's me in full fucking tour mode which is don't fucking

talk to me unless you have something very important to tell me otherwise let me stay in my own head and wallow in my own misery I don't want to go out

I don't want to do this blah blah blah blah blah to now where she's just like so when you come up we can do whatever you want I'm like Jean I'll go to art museums

I'll go to I'll go to fucking cat cafes I'll do I'll go to art museums. I'll go to fucking cat cafes. I'll do... I'll go to karaoke. Like, I will. I'll do fucking anything. Not only have I been locked down in my house

for a fucking year and a half now, but I'm going to be in a hotel for two fucking weeks. I promise you, the second I come out of that quarantine, I'm never going to want to step foot inside of a hotel again. But then, if I I come out of that quarantine, I'm never going to want to step foot inside of a hotel again. But then, if I'm being fucking honest, man,

there's this really... I talked about it on Twitch the other day. Man, I don't know if you can fucking relate to it or whether it's just a miserable bastard thing. But it becomes such a fucking big part of your identity. In my head, when I fucking picture myself in Australia, just fucking in me jorts

wearing me sandals walking around with a smile on my face in your daisy dukes I'm just fucking right up the back no belt on

fucking folded me shirt up the front so you can see the bottom half of my areolas as I fucking skimp down the street

drinking one of those fucking bubble ice teas or whatever with a smile on my face got your happy honours on I'm walking into fucking whatever art exhibit I've stumbled past

and Sidney being like oh well I might as well find out what culture's up to here in my head I'm going ah I don't want to be that I don't want to be that happy

that's not me I'm this miserable cunt like you don't want to be you know in all the springs to be that scene

off South Park where Cale's dad's been a troll and they're like yeah but he's got a sad little life

and then it cuts to him dancing through the streets with a fucking happy music player I just don't

I can't imagine like fucking you know I want to be that I'm going to go out and I'm going to enjoy all the things I'm going to like fucking, you know, I want to be that. I'm going to go out and I'm going to enjoy all the things. I'm going to enjoy being outside.

You know, instead of reading in my hotel room, even if I just want to read, I'll not read in my hotel room. I'll go to a park and I'll read in a park. But I fucking guarantee you,

the second I walk to a park and I sit myself under a tree, I open up my Kindle, a loud voice in the back of my head is just going to go what a cunt fucking look at the state of you, under a tree fucking who are you

you know how you can read your book oh no we're in Scotland that's not the weather for it I thought it was like a pandemic specific thing no I mean you can't I was literally saying the Saqqara We just went on our daily walk there And I was like there's so many good places

That you could just you know You could have a fucking picnic here Just hang out here We're pointing out places when it's a bit sunny and stuff We can come hang out But you know we're Scottish I don't mind sitting out in the fucking rain If there's an umbrella

Just wrap up You know you just fucking You can't do things weather permitting in Scotland fucking rain right if there's an umbrella just wrap up aye like I've you know you just fucking you can't do things weather permitting in Scotland you learn to do things while wet

yeah you learn to do things while fucking windy but I do miss like just sitting in a cafe so we just start our day like that especially hungover

you get up and you just fucking wander out to the nearest cafe especially living in a city when we had the man I used to kill time by just going into town

and doing fuck all just change the scenery walking around going shopping for shit you don't fucking need

miss bowling I didn't even like bowling I didn't even like it I bowled once a fucking year it's that

in Colorado and we're just bowling with strangers aye there's people that we just met that day we're like shall we go bowling let's go fucking year. You just met a thing in Colorado and we're just bowling with strangers. Aye. There's people that we just met that day. We're like, should we go bowling? Let's go fucking do it.

There was a guy who was fixing me guttering. Right. And I got chatting with him. He's like a friend of the family, like a handyman, friend of the family, Natalie's family. They come to fix my guttering and that. And I just stood chatting with him and I started talking about my work

and what I used to do and all the touring that we used to do together. And because it's now got a year since it like really happened and it's in all of its glory, I feel like I'm talking like a has-been. Aye. Like, you know what I feel like? I feel like the wrestler from Peanut Butter Falcon.

You can also go and say, I feel like the wrestler from The Wrestler. Aye. The film I used to be somebody aye I'm talking like like so I'm talking wistfully about like

fucking all the travel we used to do and you know that I miss that I miss that structure for my life of like that we used to whinge about we used to whinge about

like you've got to get up at this time you've got to get to the you've got to get to the airport you've got to catch the flight you've got to get to the hotel you've got to check in you've got to get up at this time you've got to get to the you've got to get to the airport you've got to catch the flight you've got to get to the hotel

you've got to check in you've got to get the sound check you've got to do that right back in the good old days when somebody used to tell us what to do as opposed to

me working out what I was supposed to do that structure I whinged about having to fucking follow that structure I just Marlena I know you're listening

to this do not take this as what you to send as a fucking itinerary oh shit shit delete that delete that oh no I do man

but fucking yeah that that when I was saying about I don't know how I've gotten through a day so many hours have passed 16 hours have passed

but I look back at the stuff I've done and I can't really put like a comprehensive list of what I've done together right yet I've somehow been too busy

to do some stuff I want to do in those same 16 hours I used to be able to go from switch countries to go to a different fucking country

dress myself feed myself meet new people make 2000 people laugh aye go on stage do my fucking job go out drinking

till 3am and then do the exact same thing the fucking next day aye and I didn't realise how much fulfilment came from that

oh I mean I did I fucking I just I keep saying this and I'm not like I'll be able to dig out a couple of podcasts where I totally

complain about it and say this is the life you'd dream to live we are absolute grass is greener on the other side, muggles. Aye, we are.

Yeah, yeah. This has given me, I think this has given me It's the moderation, man. It's the moderation. We're fucking, aye, we just want a good balance, man.

Aye, yeah. This was like, you've gone polar opposite of the other fucking way. This isn't slowly. This is, we've gone cold turkey. Aye.

I do say though, I have enjoyed cold turkey. Aye. I do, I do say though, I have enjoyed nesting. Like, it's been, it's been a, a different vibe for me now that I've moved

into my house. Like, you're still in the, like, still in this, like, same spot that you've been in since the beginning of lockdown.

So it's hard for you to like, like, cut it into phases. Aye, but it's, it's still been good, man. Like, as much as, as much as it's still been good man like as much as as much as it's

obviously been difficult I'm never ever ever going to complain about how much time I've got to spend with Cara it's all

I fucking want she has been a fucking God sent free I can't imagine imagine imagine imagine right

imagine she just hadn't fucking come to that fucking show in Edinburgh because that was when we reconnected like she sat

fucking and she was forced even not even that if she wasn't forced to fucking sit in the front row of the show that we met

during the EICC how badly I would have taken this lockdown why did she sit in the front row again was she late and that was the only

available seats and you recognised that when you saw on the front row and you she late and that was the only seat available and you recognised that when you saw on the front row because you thought she was someone else well because I looked at her cleavage

I went I recognise those tits oh no I don't similar did you actually think it was your ex when you first saw her no no

like no but I knew I knew I fucking I knew I recognised it right because but the one bit that made me feel fucking shit was, there was, like, it wasn't just like,

this is a girl I met at a party once. I'm like, this is a girl I've spent a night with. Like, not physically I've spent a night, but, like, we were together during a night out. And I'm like, how the fuck can I not? And she does look so very fucking familiar. And then it just clicked. And I was like, are you my ex-girlfriend's younger sister?

And she was like, yep. And I was like, oh, well, here we fucking go. And now you're not getting married. Her dad, I love her family very, very much. Well, not all of them, obviously. I love them one at a time aye aye

I do it incrementally but her dad's great he's a big he's a big loser he's like you've got to remember he

like him and loser in what way like he's been with his wife since they were 13 like she's

been the only woman ever my mum and dad live down the curve my dad lost his virginity giving birth to Gav I get it

I know what you meant do the math but he's only ever loved this woman and he's still in love with her to this day but he just

every time we go up to visit he makes me tell the story again of when I met when I saw Cara again he's like just imagine

imagine she hadn't she hadn't been there what would your life be like now and I'm just like Dave I tell you what I'd have a lot more sex

and I'd be a hell of a lot sadder I'd be a fucking of a lot sadder I'd be a fucking monster did you say that though? you said that you said that though why? you said and I'd have a hell of a lot more sex

well because our dad sometimes feels guilty because like when me and Cara first started courting back when the days when it was

courting back when it was still you know fucking frowned upon and her mum and dad were and I will say this rightfully against it right

because her dad has apologised to me about this he was like I'm really sorry because I used to say to Cara

you know he's just a fucking sleazy he's just out there shagging around and you're just one of those and I'm like

Dave aye aye Dave you're not you've nothing to apologise I was that I was that fucking piece of shit

but this as you know made me fucking slam on the brakes look at myself and I meant the rest of them feel like

they're special as well they got carried away on this one lockdown lockdown's strange man but it's been yeah I mean that aspect have you now And then the rest of them feel like they're special as well. They've got carried away on this one. Lockdown is strange, man. Yeah, I mean, that aspect... Have you now spent more time in lockdown with Cara than you've spent out of lockdown?

Er... How old's your relationship? Your anniversary was on the 14th. Was that two years? Yeah, but that's our official boyfriend-girlfriend anniversary. We were shagging for, like, two years that's yeah but that's like our official like boyfriend girlfriend anniversary we were shagging for like two years

oh yeah so you were that was like your forbidden fruit phase oh yeah that was great back when it was

proper frown upon even Jill Cara's best friend was against it it was class Jean fucking hated it it was really good did she

yeah and Jean absolutely had a point everyone had a point Jean was like this is such a I was so ambivalent to this whole thing

I was like oh that's pretty cool I didn't realise there was a big moral quandary about it going on between all the

other friends Jean's point was very much she was just like you're a fucking you're just doing this because it's a fun story and I'm like

yep I mean part of that's true yes you did get pushed together by it being a fun story because it was like if the shoe fits you'll wear it

you just weren't actually until you got accused of it yeah and then you were like well if we're going to get fucking punished for it we might as well alright

the second everyone decided decided the story for us and we were like, all right, we'll fucking play the characters. I mean, I obviously don't regret it. You're a ref at acting like Daniel Day-Lewis. You're really getting into this role. I can't believe I've come out looking good in this situation.

That's the bit. I can't believe. I can't believe every time I go up to see her parents, they hug me. By any rights, her dad should have knocked me out the second I rang the fucking doorbell. But he's a better man than I. I think we're remarkably good with in-laws.

Since I've been back in Glasgow, I've been spending a bit of time with in-laws. I am the in-law whisperer man. Your in-laws aren't allowed to watch your stand-up? Aye. Not by me. I don't give a fuck. Natalie's just very aware that there's routines

where I dribble her spunk across the stage. Her spunk? Her spunk? Her spunk? Yeah, I hear spunk. Yeah, I hear spunk too. They don't. No, they do. No, they don't. No, they do.

No, they don't. No, they do. They certainly do not make semen. Yeah, because when I give that to her, that is then hers. I don't want that back. It's a gift, aye. It's a gift.

Aye. So she takes the spunk from me. Aye. Hence making it her spunk. Right. And then she dribbles her spunk on the way to the bathroom. But is it not just just and I track her down

like she's a wounded deer that's the bit and that's the bit she doesn't want your parents to see well every year right she'll see she'll go on

my parents could probably come and see your show this year and then she'll see a bit in it and go well they can't see that bit

and you're like what the best bit the bit that gets the biggest fucking laugh the bit that if I turn this show into a club set I'll close with it so she's like

if they come could you not do that bit and I'm like well they're not coming then I need to rip this fucking gig as much as I want to impress your parents yeah and the other one

because the Punch Drunk show was the show that they should have been able to go see really but then I had a bit about the engagement ring being a first hand engagement ring

and I didn't realise how important that was because some people use a family heirloom and I used to think it was cheap to have grandma's ring passed down

through generations but still there's an air of romance to it but then I found out that that just still touches your dick from time to time so that ring has 100% touched your grandad's cock

so it's like if you're wearing your grandma's engagement ring right now just know that it's touched your grandad's dick she was a good time they both had a great time it's not

just look probably didn't clean it off she probably didn't even clean under her tab she probably just licked it off aye so I'm just basically putting that

thought in people's heads that it's touched a grandad's cock and then it was like well I really want my mum and dad to see that bit but this is the thing

she she's more prudish on their behalf than they are themselves like anytime there's like it's like

what if we'll watch we'll watch something Hugh Grant's in it and he's a bastard could be any movie with Hugh Grant in could just not be a movie a documentary about him

and there's like a sex scene or something and Natalie's just like fucking mortified because her mum's watching a sex scene and she's never seen

anything like that before clearly not and she's like oh no no we need to turn this off for me mum as if like she's one of the kids

in the room like she doesn't turn it off she just fucking freezes up like you can one of the kids In the room Like she doesn't turn it off She just fucking freezes up Like you can feel her Physically tense in the room And then And then Natalie's mam's like Oh I've got

She's getting logged Into Netflix or something She's like Oh I can watch Bridgerton now I've always wanted to watch Bridgerton And I've never seen that But apparently like There's just lickies

In every other scene They lick each other out? I think they're just Constantly licking each other out Fuck off In Bridgerton? In Bridgerton I think they're just constantly licking each other out fuck off in Bridgerton in Bridgerton I think they're just

constantly it's just all pleasure if I start watching Bridgerton and they're not licking people out I'm in quarantine I've not even seen it you can't just mate

I'm just aware of it because now that they lick each other men as well they're licking men out everyone gets licked out anybody's safe children dogs oh can I they're licking men out everyone gets licked out anybody's safe children

dogs oh can I I was sorry to finish that thought Natalie's like we need to stop

I'm from watching Bridget aye and I'm like no we don't stop protecting your mum and dad from saying stuff that like

they've clearly seen before for you to merely exist they've obviously they used to rail each other they used to be really good now they're not, now it's the old cryptogen sex but back in the day

I was watching porn the other week were you using porn or watching porn what's the difference one of them you're having a wank one of them you're just like justank one of them you're just like just got your feet up

oh I was using porn for noble means and and it was it was good there was just one bit

and it made me so angry that I nearly stopped masturbating I didn't because that's not possible but there was just one bit right

so it's her it's the lady sucking the dick right so it's her it's the lady sucking the dick right and she's enjoying it as you know I mean I know she's acting but good actress

and then and then she just grabs the camera and has it on his face eating pussy and I'm like I cannot imagine anything less sexy than watching another man

eat pussy like there is nothing that I would genuinely rather anything less sexy than watching another man eat pussy. Like, there is nothing. I would genuinely rather watch a man bum another man because at least I can get off to a cock going in an arsehole. I've come to cocks going in an arsehole before, right? So it's feasible that I would be able to whine to that. But to watch another man eat fucking pussy, oh my, man man I nearly sent her

a death threat like I was like what the fuck is this why what is that this is such a weird thing to get angry about it's

why am I watching another man eat pussy like that's why have I been cut during a meal of porn what what is in that

for me what is it what is it every other bit of porn I get what is in that for me what is it what is it every other bit of porn I get what is in it for me another man eating a pussy

am I meant to go oh that's me with long hair and a beard I've never crossed my mind before I didn't realise

it was such a because look if her face was in it and she's I can get off to a woman enjoying herself right I'm not saying

she doesn't you're saying like his head's in the way of a good view you're just seeing the back of a man's head who's having a good time no I'm seeing it

like she's it's this way right oh so you're not even getting any of it no you're just getting a belly button

and his head aye belly button and then his two beady wee seagull eyes fucking Stuart Reynolds that might not even be his

aye and then just I'm like what the fuck is this angle like how did this make it back from Jackson I'm just looking

at a dude's face while he's going to breath aye look at a man trying vein pulsing in his head I'm talking about

like I'm not angry at the because that's great right you know that's a great place to be fucking eat around but show me her face

I want to see her enjoying shit you want to see it from the other angle where like you can you can see a bit of pussy and you can see her boobs

and you can see her face you don't want to be like cut all the good stuff out I just want his eyes and nose I just the top half of his fucking nose

and his eyes and then occasionally occasionally because he's he's enjoying himself because he's eating pussy right so he's trying to turn her on, right?

So now I'm masturbating to a guy's both of his eyes and he's raising his eyebrows being like, oh, you like that? And I'm like, no! Turn the fucking camera around! Oh, I'm just... The porn is dead for me if the bloke speaks. Oh, gross. If I hear that bloke's voice...

I shouldn't see the bloke's face like I should not be able to recognise any male porn star except for their cock the only part I should be able

I should be able to look at a dick and go that so and so but I tell you what I get put off by your porn no matter no matter how hot

the girl is in the porn I get really put off if the bloke's got a good if the bloke's got a good I'm like did you not know you were going to be in a porn

did you get called last minute tan lines what tan lines you don't like tan lines in a porn on either either or boobs you don't like tan lanes in the porn on either

either or boobs you don't like tan lines on boobs nah I just think like that's your lane in the sand

going back and he's talking on the beach like aye it's it's it's like it's weird that you wouldn't

sunbathe to all of us that's what I mean I kind of get that out of my head I just want to have a conversation I don't want to be wanking with questions you know what I mean obviously I remember my friend

I'll not mention his name because he doesn't let's just say Elliot right Elliot so my friend I mean it definitely wasn't him but Elliot Steele this was years and years and years ago

before I knew Elliot Steele but he did it when he was seven let's still tell the story right yes this is like I'm going to say 14 years ago but he did it when he was 7 let's still tell the story right yes this is like I'm going to say

14 years ago erm I was round in my mate's house and he was normally a happy bloke I walked into his house

and we're we're like 15, 16 here right so we're not mature particularly mature at that age I walk in and he's fucking destitute

man like he's really what does that mean exactly destitute and he's fucking destitute man like he's really what does that mean exactly destitute is that like gutted aye just like it's

like his eyes are looking somewhere but his brain is clearly fucking out oh and you're instantly just like oh yeah alright mate like you're getting just a demeanour that just aye

and and he was like aye oh god and I was like what and he'd been watching he'd been watching a porn and it was anal porn because he loves anal porn. And I was like, what? And he'd been watching porn,

and it was anal porn, because he loves anal porn. And he was like, I swear it was one of the best shot things I've ever seen in my life. It was back 2005, right? It was like 1K or whatever it was. 720p at the time. HD ready.

Whatever it fucking was. And he'd watched this porn for a full fucking seven minutes and apparently like literally like the moment he came the moment the guy came but then there was a second male grown and the camera pulled out and he'd spent seven minutes masturbating over gay porn right

but he had no idea because it never pulled out he was like does that make me gay and I'm like I don't think that's how they get you like it doesn't

he's wounded to find it out it's 15-16 like back in those that's been used as an insult up until this point

yes exactly but it's just like oh fucking where it's now I look back and I'm like you know what

now that I fucking think about it the amount of times I've liked anal porn and they've not zoomed out I could have easily come to about

15 to 20,000 bits of gay porn in my life really no contested anal porn you've been watching sometimes you just go

I mean you know sometimes when you hang over when it's just you just need endorphins in your head and the only way to do it is to have a fucking jerk off you don't want to fucking sit down and scroll through I mean, you know sometimes when you hang over a wank, when you just need endorphins in your head, and the only way to do it is to have a fucking jerk off.

You don't want to fucking sit down and scroll through. You know what? I didn't ask if this is like a sign of depression or what, but my last few wanks have been off whatever's on the front page on Pornhub. I haven't even done any shopping. Literally whacking in the shopping by the first thing on the shelf like I didn't even know what I came in for

I think that's alright I think you know it's not like I'm sorry Natalie I'm sexually active right now right like

I'm fucking I'm living with my lass and we're fucking I'm not really using porn that often it's not like when I'm two and I'm like right

I need something hardcore I need something a bit different because I'm using porn too much I'm using porn very infrequently and I think it's just that I'm just like right I need something hardcore I need something a bit different because I'm using porn too much I'm using porn very infrequently

and I think it's just that I'm just like oh any porn will do now I think it's more of a happy thing just say you know what just show me a bit of

a woman running down some stairs I'm sure that'll do it I just knew boobs just a bit of strange do you just do a reminisce about boobs

about new boobs new boobs ah remember other boobs aye no I don't miss

I don't miss being single just in the sense because I fucking nailed it man like I did it aye I did it

like in the same way that Terry O'Ree doesn't regret his career he's like you don't want to play anymore like I've done it I've won the trophies I've lived the life

you know what I feel like I feel like like being single like I look back on my single life with an element of cringe now oh I was yeah what about how fucking gross and sleazy you were

yeah about how like I wanted to be single but not celibate. So, obviously, while I was single, I'm trying to get laid. But I was exactly that. I was trying to get laid. Aye. There was an agenda there with us.

Aye. I couldn't just have a conversation with a woman without, like, the fucking mathematic equations passing by me fucking face. Like, how do I turn this into something? Aye. And the fact that women have to live through every man acting like that anyway,

I like that I've taken myself out of that. I like that if I have a conversation with a girl now, that's exactly what it is every single time. Yeah, but you just kind of wish it didn't take until you were fucking 30 to realise it. You're like, I really wish I'd arrived at that conclusion back when I was fucking 21. No, it was a necessary thing. I had to be single at some point

I had to be single to find Natalie otherwise you'd just be your fiancé's parents just together because they were the first people that they met and they stayed out of that fucking sleazy single game and I mean they found happiness, they're a bad example

that worked for them a good example a worked for them yeah they're a good example but like a lot of people are in relationships that they shouldn't be in because they

fucking didn't just never they said stick instead of twist were the lowest fucking pair of cards that they could have don't

yeah yeah you just go mate the only reason you're in that boat is because you never learned how to swim let's not pretend you like the fucking boat

you just you just prefer it to the feeling of drowning that's in that boat is because you never learned how to swim, let's not pretend you like the fucking boat, you just prefer it to the feeling of drowning, that's all that relationship is I spent the majority of my 20s saying twist, had a couple of long relationships took them as far as I felt like I wanted to take them and I was like twist

it took us until then to say stick so I know how necessary that portion of my life was to find the happiness that I've got now in my relationship it was vital but I still look back and I wouldn't like to go back to that I know I don't

I thought I would look back on those days with a little more like because you sometimes talk to people like oh you know back in the day I fucking used to be out getting birds every fucking night I go I mean I could tell the story in that way but that's not

it's not how I feel about it in my heart of hearts sometimes I go I think part of me was a bit you know not all the time but part of me was just sad looking for any form

of fucking companionship in those moments it wasn't you know as happy as I pretended it was at the time yeah going home alone felt like a

felt like a failure. Aye, and we used to fucking pick on each other because... Oh, remember you, the one, two I wear were both fully single and I had a couple of near misses where I was... It was my fault I didn't seal the deal.

Aye, aye. An example of this, right, I'm chatting with a girl all night, right, it's definitely happening, she's inviting me back to hers, you're going to the hotel room with a girl you've been chatting to, I go to the toilet at the end of the night just for, quickly go to the toilet and then we're leaving. It's like, she'll tell us, it's like

cards on the table, she'll tell us it's happening. And then somebody recognised us in the toilet, I spent half an hour talking to them, I come back out, fucking her drink was empty, my drink's still full, it's just gone the fucking whole place is empty I had a handful like that

where I just fucking physically dropped the barrel when we were even like thinking about it and you just started calling us Emuleski because he was known

to missit us and I started you start getting ridiculed for not getting ridiculed so fucking childish man and also but again

like part of that fucking you know part of that culture that we did absolutely contribute to I read the game oh god

the embarrassment I feel you know what right I've got I've got a list of books that I've written on my phone right and I'm really proud

of this list of books because it's ever grown I'm fucking like if I if I live a long happy life that I've written on my phone, right? And I'm really proud of this list of books because it's ever grown. I'm fucking... Like, if I live a long, happy life, right, I'm steady on my way to 1,000 books, right? Seeing the game on that list is like seeing Mein Kampf. Aye. But not because I read Mein Kampf for educational purposes,

but because I was interested in what it said. Aye. Yeah, you were like, what are the Jews up to let me just find, no no come on it's important to hear everyone's perspective, let's just find out how they did cost the Germans World War 1 somehow I guess

in I was, the age I am I was at the birth of camera phones and in my world in the world I was in that was at the birth of camera phones. And in my world, in the world I was in, that was a device for getting naked photos of girls.

And like, a lot of girls were up for it. A lot of them would send them. Back in the early days of Snapchat. But it started becoming

like an agenda to get naked pictures and I look back at that now and I don't know if it's because I'm old or times have changed or if I was wrong then

and I'm like... Probably that one. Wrong then. Aye probably that one wrong then aye that one aye when I look back at me and go eh you little fucking

aye I get it you little cog in the machine that is the problem aye aye and that's the bit that's you know

it's really hard to sit with yourself sometimes and go there was one girl that sent us an advent calendar of naked photos right

class what a lovely lady. I'd never slut shame on that, that was a fucking wonderful thing to do, right? As I've said a thousand times slut shaming requires two things, one being a slut and two being ashamed and I may be a slut but fucking hell I lived a life that will never catch me being ashamed. I find

slut shaming to be the worst thing, it's like you're shaming someone for being fucking awesome. Well mind you, mind you, mind you we are slut shaming ourselves but rightfully though kind of now yeah

in a way so not all slut shaming is bad we're admitting the shame we feel so get this girl right

so she sent us this roundabout Christmas right 20 well it was it was a build up to Christmas it was a bloody

Christmas 24 photos each one getting progressively more and more like revealing and that that like kind of fling 24 photos each one getting progressively more and more like revealing and

that that like kind of fling ran its course a few months later she asked for the photos back so she could send them

to someone else she's like tell us you've still got them photos and I'm like aye she's like well you send us them that could have been a trap I'm hooking up with this guy

because your answer should have been no do you still have those photos no delete them she didn't delete them they got new because they died with my old Mac

aye but erm but I should have shorted them back just pass them on aye when I look back there is part of it

that's just like that was grainy that'll happen there's another part where it was like that was two people yeah it was all in a contract with each other

aye it was all consensual but I think you can you can still you can still have done nothing wrong but that doesn't mean what you did was right that's the that's the difficult that's the ground of what how i see my actions in the past like i didn't do anything uh illegal or reprehensible or wrong but was i fucking was it sound was it great what I did no no it wasn't it was you know

just because it wasn't wrong doesn't mean it was right it's somewhere in the fucking middle in this you know my intentions were sometimes good and sometimes they were just fucking sleaziness

just fucking sleaziness and I need like I needed an ego or I thought I needed an ego and the only way I could fucking fill it back up was to

have sex with someone hotter than me like that was the that was the old and that's what cheered me up at the fucking time because you there again personality did that

aye that was me chat aye anyway Cara if you break up with me I'm going to live a life I can't I'm going to blow the cobwebs

off that old Neil Strauss number I'm just saying Cara if you ever fucking leave me oh man if Natalie left me

I didn't think I'd have any drive no I'd probably I didn't think I'd have any drive like the monk

I just wouldn't be that bothered I just I wouldn't I wouldn't I wouldn't need I wouldn't think I'd have any drive like to I just wouldn't be that bothered I just I wouldn't I wouldn't need I wouldn't want the companionship elsewhere I wouldn't want

the sexual relationships from anywhere else I would want just like fucking probably just be on my own I can just get the occasional fucking sex worker to

you know companionship there like they do I'd probably regret it straight after but still this day just because it's been a fucking itch

that needs scratching for a little bit just a sleazy massage I'm genuinely I'm getting massages when I get out to Australia

that's one that I've missed a very middle class thing to miss I didn't even get that many massages but like I was before we went into lockdown

like in January last year I think Cara's parents had bought us a fucking couple's massage thing and it was great, obviously.

And it's, every time you go for a massage, it's always the 10 minutes after the massage, you just say to yourself, why don't I do this every fucking week? Like,

why do, why, like, you know, why don't I treat myself to this more? So me and Cara were like, look,

once a week is ridiculous, but once a month, right, that's what we're going to do. This is going to be here once a month. Spied as well, so you've got, like, the jac is ridiculous but once a month right that's what we're going to do this is going to be a year where once a month Spied as well so you've got like

the jacuzzi the jacuzzi hang out and you make it a fucking couples day and we got two months into that and then this all happened

and then this all happened so you want to get back you want to make sure that you get back on that train I don't want like I genuinely do not want the I find it difficult I don't know which are the sleazy mistress places and which are not want the... I find it difficult to...

I don't know which of the sleazy masseuse places and which are not the ones. And I do want the not ones. I don't want a handjob after a massage. I just want a massage. But there's no way you can ask around and be like, hey, do you do the old... Get out, get out.

It's not that type of establishment. That means I do want one. I was just making sure sure I didn't want to I'm not here for a handjob I'm only here for well I mean a separate type of handjob a full body handjob

everything but aye everything but the dick don't massage my ass not even the butt cheeks because that's why I like that in in Austria

it was a non-sexual massage but they did everywhere do you mind that time the massage your ass as well

which is a big muscle that needs massaged just take what you're going to say do you remember that time

in altitude where we pissed each other in the sauna no why would I tell that story no

but why what the fuck are you doing so what story were you going to tell I was going to tell the story of like

the first altitude because it was when you me and Gav were there right and Gav Gav in general is an Adonis

Gav my brother because I thought you'd said Gareth at first so just clear that up Gav and Humphries Gav he's ripped right

he's in he's got an overactive enzyme that eats fat quicker than most people it's like a superpower I don't think it's very good for his internal organs

but like it makes him look class right he's just he's in very very good shape and you know we were we were in terrible shape

but we were not in fucking Gavin we're in tour shape alright so we go we all get massaged three of us we get massaged

we spend all day fucking snowboarding let's go for a fucking massage we go downstairs and there's oh down off of the wall there sorry

our extractor fan's come off here you go fuck up the audio so then there's there's three fucking

masseuses you can see them they come downstairs and they'll go okay if you

want to just get changed in your fucking bathrobes and then clearly

they were all drawing straws to see who was lucky enough

to get gaff and which two losers had to massage us so

blatantly two of them got in one of them her. It was so blatantly good. Two of them got in one of them was demon. She was so happy. She comes out and she skips in. She takes Gav's hand. She walks. She's like, what do you want? And then these two beautiful Austrian women

are so fucking miserable. She went to the room. Aye, go on here. Ugh. Aye, you fucking cunt. I'm pretty sure most of the oil she used up my back was just her spitting

just have that you fucking wanker aye I got a really good massage because she was angry the funny thing was coming out of it though was Gav didn't get

a good massage just because he was so ripped and she was such a small woman she couldn't get away with the hard muscles I was like fucking needed marble

just wasn't going to happen for her aye needed a big burly bloke I thought man that is I prefer massages off of blokes

because I need hard fucking massage I need oh I got a I got a massage in Antigua and the last second

of the massage she could fucking swing an axe that last leg aye she was just like Brianna Toth aye I got a of the massage she could fucking swing an axe that last leg it's just like Brianna Toth I mean I got a belt

a massage off her fucking class you do need to be a bit fucking in pain me and Cara went for one last year and I was like I think I like mild pressure and I'm just too socially awkward sometimes she's like is that enough pressure and I said yes and then just for the rest of the massage

the only thing I was thinking about was just like the worst thing is it's hard to open the pressure because you kind of just lie there and go harder it's just nothing more creepy than you just be lying there silent for 30 minutes and then a voice just from harder

deeper through the little face hole harder deeper from through the little face hole harder deeper I'll I'll have the podcast so let us insult dads

let us insult each other's dads and then take it over the video for the for the patreons for the special feature. Oh, aye. So, are we going to do it for the special feature?

Are we doing Muggle Corner? Aye. We're going to revisit Muggle Corner for the special feature. That should be available midweek for you over on Patreon. Your dad thinks Boris Johnson has done the best he possibly could and it's an impossible and thankless task. Because if he didn't say that, he'd look like a fucking moron. Your dad has a clit above the base of his cock.

Your dad attached his suspenders to his socks to stop himself getting a growth spurt so he could dress up as an Oompa Loompa. Your dad was meant to burst out of my birthday cake and start dancing but he fell asleep and didn't wake up until I caught him Your dad has all seven Harry Potter books tattooed on his back

That's a small font or a big back Your dad found out there was a party in your mouth and everyone was invited so you RSVP'd and turned up early. Oh, we didn't pee. Your dad uses his Kindle as a bookmark.

Thanks, Kyle. I love it. Great. A bit expensive if you ask me, but you know. Your dad owns distant cobwebs in one of his spiders. Spindled them up into the corner for later. Your dad says you should always take time to smell the flowers, which is why he's banned from most graveyards. I was trying to do body shots of your dad, but he had an epileptic fit and spilled drinks all over your bedroom carpet.

Why are you doing body shots in my bedroom? Don't ask any questions. It was wild. It was a real wild day. So, aye, you got anything to plug, Australians? I'm in Australia, danielsloss.com. There you go. Bye.

See you next week. Bye.