Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.12 Earnest Heel

Episode Date: March 24, 2021

Muggins and Cream put down jumpers for goalposts and reminisce about all the playing out they did as kids while trespassers roam around doing the same in Cream's garden. 

Hello and welcome to this week's episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. I'm obviously Daniel Sloss, the main reason you're all here for the podcast, but why not tune in to this episode where me and my co-host, oh God, we do a proper reminisce. We talk about football back in the day, old playground rhymes. Basically nothing's happening in our life right now, so we're reminiscing about better times and you can too. And thank the patrons.

And thanks to the patrons.............................................................................................................................................................................................. They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack Oh, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? What would you do if your muggins were at home Creaming all alone on the bedroom floor?

You've done this I've done that one? You've done that one No, I haven't You have No Yep No

Yep No You have And I remember that you've done this. I've done that one? You've done that one. No, I haven't. You have. No. Yep. No. Yep. No. You have, and I remember that you've done it because I didn't know that there was an original of that song. I just heard the fucking Bastille remix because I only listen to three songs a year because music does nothing for me. Hold on, the City High one wasn't the original for you?

No. Well, I mean, it probably was, but I didn't... I'd never heard it before, but I didn't, I'd never heard it before. But I remember... Because I thought you were telling me there that there was an original before City High and then you mentioned Bastille, which version I haven't heard.

Oh, no. So Bastille had that song, or they've done a cover of it, right? And I never understood why there was a man singing about, like, being a sex. I was like, it's such a weird song for Bastille to do.

You heard the live lounge and thought... Aye! And I was like, why are they singing about, like, things a weird song for Bastille to do you heard the live lounge and thought aye and I was like why are they singing about things are going well for Bastille he's all

like I'm pretty sure he's a white bloke what does he know about Starfield Children at Home that happened with so much

music for me as like someone that was into 90s rap and like not even the cool stuff I was into

Bad Boy which was like P. Diddy and Mace and all that which I like I mean Diddy and Mace and all that. I mean, that's where Biggie was, so that's why. I still... But all of their stuff, everything that they came out with,

turned out it was like a boy track or something, and I hadn't listened to boy. Aye. So you'd hear the 80s track, like, years later, and go, oh, this is like that P. Diddy track. And you go, oh, no. No, this is the one that everybody else knows. And I know the niche one.

Blows my fucking mind that rappers managed to spin that they were cool. Like, you sit in your bedroom and you write fucking poetry about people that wind you up. In what fucking world are you cooler than me? Aye, and you've got that, you know, and you're like buggy pyjamas.

You just wear like these velvet tracksuits and that. It's fucking, it's astonishing. They're just like, man, I'm going to spit some sick bars. What, you wrote in your mother's basement?

In the audacity to be homophobic. No. To write poetry and then call someone else gay. You're like, you're being homophobic because you're gay, aren't you? Yeah.

It's just... You're one of those guys that are nasty about it because you feel something. Right. So you're suppressing it. So you're mean to people that are open.

Ah, no. Mind you, fucking, I guess country and western, they think they're cool. Have you seen them sing? They think they're the bees' knees. I saw with you, fucking, I guess country and western, they think they're cool. Have you seen them sing? They think they're the bee's knees. I saw with you, earnestly, in a whiskey bar in Nashville,

just somebody doing country and western shit going on with these cowboy boots on and singing. But people thumbs in their belt loops, tapping their heel instead of their toe, dropping a shoulder, earnestly just enjoying this country music. They look like fucking somebody at the Simpsons. Americans are the most American things you'll ever meet.

They just, everything they do has to be... The reason Americans believe in stereotypes is because stereotypes exist in America. I just love seeing that stuff in earnest because it seems so, like, character. It seems like a fucking... Everything you character. It seems like a fucking, everything you see on TV seems like a,

like a Blackpool promenade character drawn of what real life is because you see it on TV and then you get there and you're like, it's like seeing someone's cartoon picture that they got drawn on the beach and then meeting them

and they look like that. You're like, oh my God. That's the face. You're like, oh, whoa, this is fucking horrid.

You really do have three eyes and your hair is blue and you're missing a bunch of teeth. And there are literal flies flying around your head with what I believe are stink lines. Are those actual stink lines? That was the best joke in the scary movies films. What? Where the guy was a smudge in all the photos

and he smudged out of all the photos and went, oh no, it's that guy over there. And his face was just a smudge. haven't watched the skinny movies in oh god it's probably since they came out they'd be hilarious to get high and re-watch roland's in them oh yeah roland ship yeah roland's the guy with a lucky hand he always plays gross people i that that was one of the things actually that put us off you know how I watched one episode of Schitt's Creek

and then you had to like get us to trust you aye get us to trust you and I'm glad you did I fucking love it I love being part of that world now aye

but that first episode I was like oh I've just got to be grossed out by that guy aye it's one of those that's what it is

but no I find him funny well it's good in the later on he's jarring at first but then he does sort of grow and you get better unlike

you know Phoebe Buffay who just consistently gets worse throughout the entire fucking series I hate look

I hate what you did I hate stupid characters right I hate or if you're doing a stupid character right so that means it's joy you should hate well yes I absolutely stupid characters right I hate or if you're doing a stupid character right

so that means it's Joey you should hate well yes I personally I absolutely do especially when Joey gets like close to

mentally retarded in the last couple of seasons like he's a level of stupid that you would if your friend was actually like that

they would be fucking hospitalized that episode where he cannot learn French he literally cannot repeat words back to Phoebe

like you just go oh that's that's an aneurysm like something happened between episodes he's gone he's gone the other way

he's got a parking badge now yeah well you need to look into that condition Joey just so that like we can help you you can get

you might have additional needs that we can assist you with Joey like you should sort that out and also all the women that wanted to shag Joey, even when he was going through that, he's kind of sick.

Sick. Sick individuals. Clearly he was going through something. Roland, the reason Roland's fine as a character is because all the other characters acknowledge the fact that he's... They acknowledge the fact that he's stupid and they acknowledge the fact that he's gross. And clearly with his relationship with his missus, there's like undertones that he's they acknowledge the fact that he's stupid and they acknowledge the fact that he's gross and clearly with his relationship with his missus there's like undertones that you know he's like a good

dad and a great shag or whatever whereas nobody I mean everyone does know Joey's stupid but nobody corrects Phoebe there's that one fucking episode and it sticks out of my head and it makes me so angry where she decides

some fucking stray cat comes into her life And she decides that it's the soul Of her mother Has gone into this cat She's an anti-vaxxer And Ross is the only one that's like We cannot allow her to believe this Because it's dangerous

In a thousand different ways And it's stupid And they're like just let her And the message of that episode was just let stupid people be stupid. And you go, no! Like,

you've got to be fucking, oh. You've got, you've got to check your pals. Aye. Like, some of your pals are so, We have Elliot Steele

regularly on this podcast to point out how thick he is because we want him to not be that thick. Aye. We're good friends. Sometimes you feel like a bully, but you're what if i'm out of there just let it slide you've got you do have to bully your friends sometimes so that bullies don't do it right if you're gonna kick bullies out of life right like you have to bullying has to exist right we

shouldn't let bullies do it so if you're gonna say gonna get rid of bullying you have to do it yourself otherwise your friends are going to turn out to be you know you put something on social media and one of your friends screen caps it and puts it in a WhatsApp group with you in so that he's going to have a joint roast of you that means other people who aren't your friends

are screen capping that and putting it in WhatsApp groups to roast you so just appreciate them appreciate that they lit you up like a Christmas tree because you're getting lit up elsewhere so they're just letting you know so just appreciate them appreciate that they lit you up like a Christmas tree because you're getting lit up elsewhere so

they're just letting you know that if you carry on doing that route you're gonna be a fucking laughing stock do you reckon Joey would have got me too'd

aye like had the series still been going on like he was do you reckon there was like the modern day friends episode it's like they have to kick him out the WhatsApp group because it is lame when people try to Do you reckon there was like The modern day Friends episode

It's like they have to kick him out of the WhatsApp group Because Ross It is lame when people try to back cancel stuff That's from a different generation Anyone trying to back cancel a thing That just doesn't stand the test of time It's the stupidest thing in the world Yeah shut up

That's the cancel culture That you go oh yeah that's 100% all the way. Friends did this in 1999. Nobody cares. Shut up. It's over. They can't change it. It's done.

We can acknowledge that things have changed since then. I love that Disney do that. Disney will put the old cartoons out from the 50s and 60s and go, look, some of the stuff in here is problematic. This is what it is. We're not deleting history. We're going to keep this in because, look, it was wrong then and it's wrong now.

But to pretend that these stereotypes didn't exist This is what it is. We're not deleting history. We're going to keep this in because, look, it was wrong then and it's wrong now. But to pretend that these... To pretend that these stereotypes didn't exist is to pretend that the prejudice never existed. And that's what you've got to acknowledge. Like, yeah. It didn't make something like Popeye now.

Like, I understand we've watched Popeye and Pepe Le Pew, right? It didn't make that new. But, like, don't try and unmake it. People just go back and watch episode three and say, this is appalling. It was fucking great at the time. It was the best comedy, but it was out.

It's like the rap music, like, they are mixing fucking Eminem and Dr. Dre and some of the stuff that they used to say towards women, towards homosexuals. Like, you fucking... It didn't make them rap tunes new. But it happened. It happened there, and rap tunes now but it happened it happened there and I'm still going to

it happened people kind of like ignorantly enjoyed them and let that music tie to that past so that like the nostalgia of your past is tied to that music

you can't untie it so you just can't why don't we just as a society we'll grow we'll learn from our fucking mistakes we'll close this door

I also Man if you're trying To cancel fucking Rappers Self professed Cool rappers The only people That think

They're cooler themselves Like if you're going To try and cancel those I just think It's a stupid fight Every time they try It's like trying to Cancel South Park

Like what are you doing It can't be done South Park is uncancellable. It's uncancellable. I was watching the fucking, oh, what was it? The cancelled, the Christmas poo.

Aye. And Santa comes back and he's fucking disgusting. He called them cunts or something. He just fucks off. It's the Amazon episode. One of the Amazon, oh, fuck, I'm butchering it.

But I just look again I just I just watched the whole thing oh you can't say what you want no it's a myth that you can't say what you want South Park have always been

saying what the fuck they want and they've just been doing it in the right tone they've been they've been in touch they've had their finger on the pulse they've got it right like

people are getting their back turned on them just because they're swinging and missing aye like Lee Hurst just fucking put up a tweet about fucking Greta

Condom Greta Condom put a tweet about Greta Condom Greta Thunberg will fucking not be worried about single use plastics when she

starts using condoms or something like that I don't know what it was but he's talking about a teenager shagging aye which I think is

made as a fucking subject matter it's just a swing and a miss it's just a shite joke he's just like fucking Lee Hurst hasn't been a fucking comedian for

at least five years previously to when he retired I used to fucking love him when I was a kid man I've only ever seen him do

bits and pieces and you just go man he was on when Nick Hancock Rory mcgrath gary lineker on a sport they think it's all over all right fuck me man he was funny on it i mean you probably not knew like i was a kid like if i got back and watched that new like i can't believe i used to laugh at this shit probably like i don't know but i just remember at the time i thought he was class i think it's why I was new as a comedian,

just looking at these jokes, can't I? It's such a weird development of my life. You used to be like, oh my God, Lee, he's the pinnacle of comedy. And now that you're an actual comedian, you go, I wouldn't even have him open for me. I wouldn't book him for punch drunk. I could sell more tickets than him in his hometown. Yeah, I guess it was my introduction to comedy

because I found comedy through sports. I liked me footy. There was this football show. He was the footy one on it. I guess, unravelling it back, he might have been my window into my career. Maybe. It was that guy I've never credited him

for it until now I think now you're looking at him and you go I wouldn't book him on an open right you fucking wouldn't man if you

imagine when comedy clubs open back up can you imagine going to the fucking clay website and you go who am I on with

this weekend it's going to be oh fucking Kerry's on that's fucking class brilliant get to see fucking Kerry that and you go, who am I on with this weekend? It's going to be, oh, fucking Kerry's on. That's fucking class. Brilliant to see fucking Kerry. That'll be fun. Or Jojo Smith, fucking good to see she's still,

oh, no. Oh, fucking, oh, he's going to want to lift. He's going to want to lift home. Oh,

he's going to be tired of us. He's going to, oh, fucking hell. He's going to be on phones. He's going to fucking, he's just going to fucking tell me that Boris has done a great job, hasn't he? He's going to... Oh, fucking hell. He's going to be on phones. He's going to fucking... He's just going to fucking tell me that Boris has done a great job, hasn't he?

He's going to whisper the Daily Mail opinions in my ear as if they're his own. He's going to fucking ear fuck me with a bunch of shite. Oh, hey, Lee, how you doing? How's that? How'd you find the pandemic? I handled it well, did you?

Oh, it's mad, isn't it? I just tried to change it. It's mad mad isn't it aye aye just trying to change it I'm mad isn't it aye disagree with everything you're saying so let's change the subject

you'd fucking hate I'd love to follow wait they're not really thinking they're best on the league not really a couple of U-turns back there

remember the herd immunity thing I was just going to brush over that aye so Lee are you what are you doing are you opening here or right you're still doing your 10 spot Rwyf am ysgrifennu'r ffwrdd hwn. Iawn. Felly, Lea, rydych chi'n... Rydych chi'n...

Rydych chi'n agor y cwmpas yma? Iawn, rydych chi'n dal i fod yn eich safon 10? Iawn, iawn. Mae'n debyg bod chi wedi bod yn y ffôn. Ychydig oed yn y Gle? Iawn, iawn. Ac fe wnaethoch chi ddewis y club comri, oeddwch chi? Rwy'n gwybod hynny oherwydd rydych chi wedi'i ddweud amdano amdano. Roeddwn i'n gwylio gwybod y telegraff gyda'i mab. Dydw i ddim yn gwybod beth rydych chi'n gwneud yn y telegraff gyda'i mab, ond...

sgwrsau fel hynny. Gallwch chi gael hynny. I used to watch on telly with my parents. I don't know what you were doing on telly with your parents, but jokes like that. You can have that. So it's that. He's not getting cancelled for his joke. He's not getting cancelled. It's just a shite. That's a shite, man. You've got a shite crack. How do I unsubscribe from this crack?

You're not getting cancelled. You told a shite joke and people are booing you. And that's the job of a comedian. Not all of our jokes land. I've had some fucking stinkers in my life. You take it on the chin. All right, I made a bad joke. Everyone hated it.

Fair enough. You said they've gone and been like, I'm being persecuted. I'm being persecuted online. Like, these are the people I guarantee Lee Hurst's opinion on bullying 10 years ago was why don't you just log off social media

I guarantee you that's his fucking opinion and he can't do it himself oh man it's like if you have a bad gig now I remember coming off earlier on a junglers gig I just was like nah I'm gonna

have to walk here I can't make me 18 minutes I can't switch around my head you're gonna lose your wage

and I went aye very unprofessional right but I didn't whack off that gig I've been cancelled

cancelled culture this honestly the fact that they wouldn't laugh at those jokes just lets you know how far political correctness has come on

they would not laugh at my Narnia joke honestly PC gone mad I done that joke about my spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down

not me grandma with that insulin that nearly killed her when I did that joke and they didn't laugh I whacked off again fucking you kind of

honestly kind of said nothing wasn't that the word just drinking and not listening booing and thinking that was shit I love I love watching

comedians who are as very sensitive as the people they claim are sensitive with no sensible energy or anything

that way where the difference is you know for instance people that like slag off a bloke

with a top knot he's got a top knot and all that looks like a tot you're the one complimenting

someone's hair man fucking shut up man like you can't remember the Yorkie

Bard verse where they used to be like Yorkie's not for girls and all that you can't have that new and all that you can't you know remember the Yorkie bar adverts where they used to be like oh Yorkie's not for girls and all that you can't have that new and all that you can't have that new you're like

mate you're whinging about an advert you're tired of people being sensitive you're whinging about an advert you care who our adverts are on you have yelled at four women today because a toy you've never bought stopped making Mr Potato Heads like you

you have screamed in your wife's face three times today because you can't fuck a potato anymore. You just want to grab them gently by the shoulders and go, you're the one being triggered now. You're triggered now, mate. Yeah, that's a big one. Mate, mate, sister potato head,

sister Yorkie bar, you're going to be alright. Ah, yeah, your grandad did get the wolf and it's going to be not so good. Be like this, where we're getting

all antsy with someone's top knot. You fucking bellend. Look, look, I'm not saying sensitive people don't exist in society. They do.

I'm just letting you know you're not on our side. Mate, mate, I'm, I agree do I'm just letting you know you're not on our side mate mate I'm I agree I'm on I agree with you but I'm not on your side

because you're the sensitive soul you think people get triggered watch this whale I won't be cocking piss on this flag watch you watch you watch you

he has a mirror he has me pissing on a flag you want to see triggered. Look, just some of us are triggered by different stuff. We get upset by different things. Some people it's human rights, other people it's just Yorkie bars. You know.

I had a fucking routine that I never got round to, but Lee Hurst did nail it there, but it was about the reason why white men... This joke didn't work and it's never going to be on stage, but routine that I never got round to but Lee Hurst did nail it there but it was about the reason why white men, this joke didn't work and it's never going to be on stage but you'll find a way, the reason white men

hate, old white men hate Greta Thunberg is because they got so excited when they heard that there was a young Scandinavian woman who was taking men to task and they all for the first time in their 65 years

on this planet got an erection again there's a young Scandic woman yelling at old men oh okay she's angry with us she's gonna

she's gonna shit and then they saw her and none of them wanted to fuck her and that's why they hate her the only reason old white men hate Greta Kornberg

is because they're not attracted to her and they think they fucking should be. That's it. And Lee Hurst, in a fucking nutshell, why are you going after a artistic 16-year-old who all she wants is for the world not to be on fire?

It's all she wants. She just wants a future for her kids. That's it. And you're going, this little fucking bitch. Her tits haven't even come in and she's got the audacity to take up my television time. You're a fucking nonce, mate. You're an absolute fucking beast.

I bet they're all so conflicted over Meghan Murgle. Oh, absolutely. Because they're told to hate her, they're engineered to hate her, but oh, I bet they hate wanking. They definitely hate wanking. Oh, God.

Just a friendly reminder to everyone on the podcast that there is a paedophile in the royal family who has answers to one of the greatest paedophile scandals in the entire fucking world

and nothing is happening so any sympathy that you feel for that family is misguided and I will say evil I don't think I need to tear the make up am I too far away

what we are Danny is up am I too far away what's weird Danny is your face is too far away but your feet are ridiculously close I don't know you put your feet over just like

I know it's a podcast yeah right so I'm going to paint a picture for you Danny's like I sat opposite each other on the table Danny's put his feet

up on the table and they're about an inch away from your face I could move my face but I would be moving away from the mic

it's a power play it's weird well why don't we mic up each other's toes then just to explain fucking Terry Alderton

Terry Alderton I couldn't remember his name I said Terry Christian I like Terry Christian Terry Christian Terry Alderton where he makes

his feet talk to each other who the fuck's Terry Christian very funny he's one of those angry lefty he's one of the people on our team

that you go oh no aye you know the lefties that the right hate so much he's one of them once you go ah fuck

can you take off our strip please go and fucking go and just be the Janny in the back can you not be in the front line please I know you're on our team but you're just chasing the ball man hold your back. Can you not be in the front line, please? I know you're on our team,

but you're just chasing the ball, man. Hold your position. You're just running around after the ball. If I did that, it would be a clusterfuck week. I do feel sorry for some people who are the fucking, you know, the right wing. It really sucks sometimes to look at your teammates and just go...

Katie Hopkins oh a fucking oh a farage butt aye aye it sucks being on the left

we've got Jamil and Jamil I don't know who that is you trust me she'll find a way

to make you know who she is really do I know who it is I probably know who it is she's doing her

best that's all I'll say well you've got really do I know who it is I probably know who it is she's doing her best that's all I'll say well you've got children in your garden I do what's that I don't know we've come across the studio

and there's just kids playing in your garden just in the bottom of it you do not have kids I don't have kids they're not mine but there's kids playing in your stream aye so we've got

there's a little stream in the bottom of the garden and that's when it sort of becomes me and the council have a disagreement about where my land ends and theirs begins um and now i think those children work for the council they're proving a point they've just they've clearly gone into like because it used to be like a walk i think so you can walk down like the bank on the other side but the second you cross the stream it's my garden there's a bridge so the bridge

on the stream must be yours the council aren't going to just go just in case anyone needs to get into the guy's garden because

it rains a lot in Scotland that creek occasionally floods and a lot of the wooden boards on the bridge

have shattered and gone away so I was like well obviously there's a fucking dangerous thing and i put up the curseful and i'm like is this mine or yours it goes it's ours and i go okay it's broken and they're like okay well we don't have the budget to fix i was like can i fix it like no no it's ours i'm like well i'm just gonna fix it like you can come and sue me all you fucking like if i if i fix some bridge with my guy and you're like aye aye

we're gonna have to send a guy down there to take all those boards off right you piece of shit apparently that's what they made me to fucking do I mean I'm just fixing myself aye

but the kids are at the bottom of the gut and I was just like well I'm not a curmudgeonly old man yeah aye there's no part of you

that's as well it's that I used to fucking love antagonising that guy aye aye

all the time the fucking I'd put the ball in his garden on purpose just to jump out of his garden and get it

just so he'd shout at us like fucking man there was a couple of them in the street and we fucking had their life

we just pushed them as far as we could push them well I do I agree that they sometimes bring it on themselves because when we played football at high school

there was some one of the neighbours was just like boys if the ball goes over stop ringing the fucking doorbell just go in and get it don't step on the rose bushes in fact I think at one point

he put a box on the other side of the wall and he goes when you're climbing back over use this box don't trap and we were like man brilliant

one guy once took one of our balls away and we're like we're just hanging out here every single day aye so you kind of you kind of bite at them

you've got to be very careful because you're just saying they are bored aye they're bored and you are giving them something to do if you react right

so you've just got to be fucking sound aye or I'll just release Colin on them have him slither through the grass aye swallow one of them whole just come back

with a big lump in his belly what's that no jaw's still dislocated because you knocked him out

stop doing that with the kids but no I say kind of I think I'm further into the guard there would be a point there's a point in my guard

where I go aye this isn't where you live yeah they're still playing spot against my house do you play spot

where you kick the ball against the wall it was literally just a kick the ball against the wall game no so you kick the ball against the wall

so you'd have like a patch of the wall that you've got to hit right and you've got to do it in one shot and whenever the ball lands the wall? So you'd have a patch of the wall that you've got to hit and you've got to do it in one shot and wherever the ball lands that's where the other person takes their shot from and if you miss it's a fucking spot so anyway you have to play a spot against your house haven't we had an explained spot? I thought that was one of the first things you ever learned

No, it's because all these games, everyone knows them but they've all got different names in different places What do you call egg? What game was egg? catch, heads and volleys oh Jumanji Jumanji we called it Jumanji

headers and volleys Jumanji because I was yeah egg was your life if the keeper caught you you went in goal and if you got scored past you'd lose an egg

but you could only score with a volley if you scored a half volley you'd go in net right we had any man shoot any man save so no keeper

no keeper that's like World Cup singles but with rush aye aye fucking World Cup singles

was class and doubles absolutely class I remember I fucking love a game of World Cup singles again like I hope I haven't had

my last game of World Cup singles because you need to we used to do it in East Weems Primary School there was a big fucking shelter and it had two massive poles in it

and that was just the perfect size goal and you know you'd arrive at school half an hour before the fucking school bell rang because you'd have a fucking game of

we'd only do World Cup fucking doubles God that was a bit and you'd go to school it'd be fucking five past nine and you'd be

dripping with sweat you'd be fucking five past nine, and you'd be dripping with sweat. You'd be fucking, and the teacher's like, the fuck did you do? And you're like, shut up, bitch, we're waiting till recess. I only come here for the football breaks.

I was such a skinny kid. Me and my dad couldn't feed us enough. I was just like, I'm losing every single fucking calorie you put in me. I'm going to spend 10 of them every day. Fucking aye. I used to just run run my dinner table with a football dribble the football on the dinner table

fucking on a rainy day, I'd never stop moving I did fucking, I used to be, I don't think I was class at football, my mum made the mistake of giving me perspective I was the best at I was the best at football

in my primary school but you don't have any concept of that I was working class there was so many better footballers than me aye well I mean

I grew up in a actually like I was at the best of my school and then at Levenmouth fucking sports centre

my mum would send me up to a thing every like summer she used to spend a week playing football every day, and I was classed at that. Then I remember I went to Wayne Academy High School, and it was like,

so I went from a primary school of 90 people, to a high school of like a thousand, and I was like, oh, I'm shite at football. Like I've now gone to a school that's combined, you know, 15 other schools,

so I'm now against 15 the best in their fucking school and I'm the worst of those it's funny when you get

because I was decent when athletics was more like the one that I succeeded in and I'd done for the air cadets

right I went to Gosforth Park and competed against all the other air cadets in the region all the way to Durham or whatever and competed against all the other places, like air cadets in the region, all the way to Durham or whatever.

And I fucking won the 800 metres by miles. Right, like I fucking... That's very impressive. Fucking, not even a mile off.

Sounds like you overshot it. I kept running. And I thought I was fucking class, man. And then I went, because I went to regional, I had to go into Yorkshire and play against people

from all over the fucking country. Right. And I didn't like regional. I had to go to Yorkshire and play against people from all over the fucking country. Right. And I didn't come last. But fuck me. I was quite a little kid, right? And I just remember being there. Like I would have been about 13, right?

And I was just stood in this line-up of just people that looked like blokes. And they were all my age. They were all my age and they all got fucking beards and all that. And I'm like age I'm my age and I've got fucking beards and all that

and I'm like it's kind of out of the right group didn't stand a fucking chance holding your fucking nose trying to force puberty on yourself I was trying to push you

back trying to push you to chin hair I don't know at the time I fucking I'm sure I've told this story before it went I thought I'd stubble

I went to show my mum about stubble just a bunch of showed my mum a bit of stubble just a bunch of blackheads oh yeah you mentioned that recently my mum look at my man you're a grot actually

you're a fucking grotty little teen little tramp back to the football as a kid can you remember them all terrain balls they had like

the dimples on it it was like a fucking rubber on a cold winter's remember them all terrain balls they had like the dimples on it it was like a fucking rubber on a cold winter's day no blasties oh you had to go no blasties

you fucking everyone sees the ballad non-nets non-nets would you always say not nets as well

like whatever I can't remember what we used to do you decide what you're going to play non-nets what was your

turn around touch the ground turn around and touch the ground yes turn around and touch the ground or the when you were sleeping sky red sky blue all out but you was when we did or ip dip dog shit fucking bass you are not it uh huh

oh god yom yom bubblegum sticking up the teacher's bum if it takes politics to turn them into weetabix I'm sorry say that yom yom bubblegum sticking up the teacher's bum if it sticks pull her tits turn them into Weetabix I'm sorry sing that yum yum bubblegum sticking up the teacher's bum if it sticks

pull her tits turn them into Weetabix I can't even you didn't do that one no I feel like you made that up now I mean that would be belt-ass

if that freestyled that but we've seen your introductions to this podcast so we know that you don't have that you've not quite reached that level of abandonment

improv yet so drop this down yum yum yum yum bubble gum shove it up the teacher's bum if it sticks

pull her tits turn them into weeabix yep don't how are you turning her tits into weeab Weetabix yep don't how are you turning her tits into Weetabix try it

you've got to have them put your bubble gum up the bubble don't pull her tits without the bubble gum because then it's just her salt shreddies

it should be like if it stinks pull her tits pour it on your weenabix would be more appropriate maybe you've got less than translations

no no let's go let's go to let's go find a playground and start teaching them all the new songs so that was our tip and also

we grew up knowing knowing hide and seek as 21er right and we just knew it as that because the older kids in the street would play it and then we'der right and we just knew it as that

because the older kids in the street would play it and then we'd play it and then the older kids would grow up and move out and all that and then the younger kids would play it with us

and then they called it 21er and for generations before me and after me it was 21er and I remember going to my old street and just having to walk around

right and I was like oh this is the lamppost where we used to play 21er fucking lamppost had a serial number on it that was like oh this is the lamppost where we used to play 21er fucking lamppost had a serial number on it that was 21 oh

so that's the so they're like the older kids should we play on the 21 lamppost and I had never noticed

that as a kid that the aye so that's the etymology I found the etymology of 21er like long

after we finished playing it I wouldn't be shocked if the kids in that street were still calling it 21er like long after we finished playing it I wouldn't be shocked if the kids in that street were still calling it 21er some sort of like

Poth archaeologist Poth archaeologist did you ever play Wounded Soldiers I mean maybe describe the game to me I'll tell you what we called it

you find a wall we always used allotment walls. That was always our thing, right? So you're going between that bar of the allotment wall and that bar of the allotment walls where it begins and ends, right? So one at a time, you try and get across from one side to the other

and the other person, the person that was on, had to take a penalty at them, right? So if I hit you in the leg, you can't use that leg to cross next time oh I've never played this game

but I already immediately want to sounds class but it's like you hit people in the arm and they just put their arm behind their back

and it doesn't really change much and then you get the other arm and then you've got like both so they're trying to run with both

arms and then they're hopping running around like how do you even go so they've got they've basically

got four lives and you've got to so you're like right now I've got to hit their other leg it's like hangman but with football

and without the spelling I fancy once this is once this pandemic is over right after this after this

we're making big plans after this aye it's very muggly right shall we all have a massive game of press bulldog after this aye it's very muggly right shall we all have a massive game of British Bulldog

after this once the pandemic shall we all just have a massive like shall we all just go to the meadows we'll agree a bit of land once we're all

allowed to lick each other and spit in each other's mouths again fucking when was the last time you played British Bulldog and it was class it was

because we had a really good area first because there was a couple of trees down as well so you could do a little bit of a feint again on one side of the tree then go round the other but it also had that extra element

of you're going to get tackled into the tree you're going to get fucking speared through it so we just did ours on concrete football pitches that's how I got that it's kind of there

it is aye fucking sub-cup well to be fair I was going to say sub-cup was horrible to me I was a horrible little cunt of a boy Did you just call it British Bulldog up here as well?

No, no, we just called it Bulldog It sounded like Celtic Bulldog or something Oh, we invented it, they just took it We called it Hound Dog Millionaire No, we just called it Bulldog And I was the kid that got it banned in our school Every school had one kid that got it banned in our school every school

had one kid that got into it went too far some kid I went to you and you got hurt I mean some kid

fucking got annoyed at me because I was I was a fucking I was a speedy gobby little shiteball and he just grabbed my arm and fucking

spun me around three times and threw me across half the fucking map. Landed on my chin. You started getting me out of the area condo that you get on Cod. Please return to play area.

Just start bleeding more heavily from my chin. I can see my health bar going down. Fuck, guys, the smoke's coming. Revive me. Revive me. Buy me back back I miss I'd love to I wouldn't want to play Kiss, Cuddle, Torture again

that's not what I want to bring back my mate ruined this game called Walk the Plank or Join the Crew where you would it would just be like a fighting game where you'd split into two teams

of six or whatever and you'd fight each other but you'd be during the fight you'd be into two teams of six or whatever and you'd fight each other but you'd be during the fight you'd be saying walk the plank or join the crew and then

they'll say walk the plank if you're still beating them and you're trying to get them to tap really if they say join the crew they've tapped

but now it's seven against five it's eventually one team wins but you have to fight for the opposite team once you're done you're done

and Brucey just wouldn't tap man he fucking ruined it he's crying he's bleeding

there's fucking nine lads wailing on him and he was like I could do this all day wouldn't tap he'd be fucking

snot and tears coming out of his face and you're like if one of the parents come running they would would just play Kev comes out of the parents come running we're just playing Kev comes round the corner

and be like Brucey not tapping again Kev starts cracking his fucking knuckles alright Brucey the lads text me for this I'm sorry to have to do this

but last time you did this you wouldn't tap and Kai was home late for dinner aye we got dark got dark Linda sent me out

what have you got elbow pads on well I've also bought a fucking top belt with me I'm fucking flying off the off the fucking ropes did you used to wrestle each other did you ever use WWF when you were young you go through that fucking phase of swanton on bombs everyone's trying to do a swanton on bomb

or something whenever I had sleepovers we'd always get the fucking mattress, because I had one of those, you know the bunk beds that weren't bunk beds, it was just the top half of a bunk bed. Oh, a cabin bed. Aye, and then you'd have your fucking computer or whatever underneath. Yeah. So we'd always take the...

They were cool. They were great. Aye, my sister had one of them, I thought they were class. We'd always get the fucking mattress off the thing on the floor, and there's all the pillows there as well, and then just fucking suplexing each other off the mattress off the thing on the floor and there's all the pillows there as well and then just fucking suplexing each other off the top of the thing like Swan Tom Bomb hitting each other with chairs

I could have killed so many people with the walls of Jericho like I know WWF put up the do not try this at home but they really need to put more of those adverts up because I was trying that at home every day in fact I wasn't even thinking about trying it at home until they really need to put more of those adverts up because I was trying that at home every day in fact I wasn't even

thinking about trying it at home until I saw the suggestion like whoa I did this at home

I always remember when Shane McMahon chased the big show on the side of the thing and I was

like this side of the WWF entrance thing it was a hundred foot drop I might exaggerate. In my head

it was 100 fucking feet. And it was onto concrete. It wasn't into boxes. I was like, I've got to do that. I wonder how much blood is actually on WWF's head. Can you remember them Hell in a Cell games? Yeah. Fucking Mankind and Triple H. Aye.

Like, that captivated me for a while like I was never big into wrestling it's absolutely a fucking muggle corner thing

oh absolutely but I reckon I reckon being a pro wrestler is immensely fun like to get if you're actually like that stage where you're fucking

you're beefed up you're fucking healthy and you're just throwing how good you're fun fighting with your mates you're fun fighting with your mates mate how good how good does it feel to tell a joke

that fucking lands in front of 2,000 people? Imagine doing a backflip off of a fucking cage onto some cunt through a table for a beer and 50,000 people... It must be the best, man. It would be fun to... Like it is, it's play fighting with an audience. Aye.

It's play fighting, but, like, you're there to entertain. So it would be fun to die watching it. It's a bit weird. I always, were you ever into it as a kid? No, I had that spell, that spell where, like, it piqued my interest for about a year. I remember being vaguely interested in it when it was The Ultimate Warrior and Hulk Hogan, but I didn't have any Sky.

Man, I hate... I cannot fucking tell you how much I hated Stone Cold Steve Austin when he turned heel, right? Heels when they go bad. Yeah. And no matter how many times my dad explained to me that it was scripted or whatever,

none of that registered. he was a bad guy man there was one bit right so obviously Stone Cold and the Rock is your fucking favourite right and Triple H is hanging out with fucking Vince McMahon all the time because he's fucking banging Wendy McMahon or whatever her fucking name is

Wendy Mcwoman Wendy Mcwoman sounds like it's where we get from McDonald's can I have the Wendy Mcwoman please it McWoman sounds like it's something you get from McDonald's can I have the Wendy McWoman please it's been a very lonely quarantine

just one McWoman to go please can I get one without a McRib so she can suck herself up come with me or do I provide it

she triple Stone Cold was meant to be on fucking the rock site and then the rock came out and Stone Cold Steve Austin took a chair to the rock site and then the rock came out

and Stone Cold Steve Austin took a chair to the back of his head and like poured beer on him and I was fucking raging like genuine like I was so angry that I went through to my bedroom threw the mattress off you wrote a strongly worded letter

no no I got one of Matthew's to the wildlife fed Federation by accident. Listen here, you panda fuck. I got one of fucking Josie's stuffed toys and just pretended that was Stone Cold Steve Austin and just wailed at it for the rest of the evening. You couldn't wrestle your sister?

I did, that's why she was in the... That's what we got there. She came pre-wrestled no I fucking used to couldn't wrestle her beat the living fuck out of my life because babies are no matter what parents will tell you

between the ages of zero and five they're durable as fuck you can push them downstairs, you can peg them off fucking walls. How old were you compared to him? Six years older. I'm 10 years older than Matthew, 12 years older than Jack.

I had six years older than my sister, so I had a height and weight advantage on her. She didn't stand a chance, really. It's great. It made you feel powerful. Just beating up someone way smaller than you like I get it

but you don't do it as an adult but you know I'm not going to pretend you don't get drunk off the it was fucking great but I think when Matthew was yeah Matthew was three

I was 13 and he used to fucking annoy me and obviously you can't I mean you can't beat him up if you beat him up you get in trouble but if you can beat him up

in a way that he enjoys that you can get the anger out and it's holding a three year old above your head and fucking throwing it across the room into a bed

and then him laughing his arse off and yeah occasionally you miss the bed they go off the other side and they cry and your mum's like what's that noise

like nothing shh shh shh I'm sorry I'm sorry you can hear me it's Stone Cold's entry music I was playing it on the radio

it's the whistling of a window smashing. Look, just be thankful I didn't crisp in one, okay? That's an extra phase you could have went. You used to do it at the swimming pool until you got into trouble as well. Because that's the only place you could really do a tombstone, was into the swimming pool. You psychopath. Tombstone's into the swimming pool you psychopath tombstones into the swimming pool

because you get the head between your legs aye lift because you just do this way mate do this rouging

that lift that body up so you're holding that torso upside down like when you jump and sit the head hits the

water first and then your arse you can't really dig that into the ground aye but the way you're meant to do

it really is their head doesn't actually it's your arse hits the ground first that's you meant to do it really is their head doesn't actually it's your arse hits the ground first that's how you actually do it otherwise you what have you gone

all the way to the bottom of the pool and just fucking crippled ruse forever 12 foot 6 innit 12 foot 6 we had a 12 foot 6 Jesus fucking hell

fair enough we had a proper yeah it was proper if you can get to the bottom and it's like a proper fucking achievement the first time you actually touch the bottom of the 12 foot 6

because you've given plenty of attempts in your childhood. Fair enough here I like to you can tombstone off that, that's fair I thought you were doing it off the shallow end of the pool I know none of that like, I don't want to kill Rouge, he'd probably just fucking bounce back from it that's fucking

he'd probably come up knowing French just fucking knocked something in his head back into place fucking funny lad Rouge Manari he was a proper bloke

when he was a kid I remember someone starting a fight with him once he took his fucking top off I think people don't take their tops off

to fight in real life maybe watching westerns or something you're meant to be having this fight on top of a train it's fucking hilarious took his top off

and opened with a flying kick which is the bottom half sounds like he should have taken his jeans off ran and jumped and fucking kicked the guy in the chest with his top off

I was like fuck you've been watching too many films you late bro sounds like you've been watching too much wrestling he was right he's fucking done an Eddie Guerrero I always get Eddie Guerrero

and fucking Chris Benoit mixed up because Eddie Guerrero died he was good he was like a good bloke and everyone sadly died and then when Chris Benoit died the WWF was like Chris who?

they didn't well you know Eddie Guerrero just died they didn't even acknowledge his existence after that was it just removed for people that

don't know he killed his wife and kids with wrestling moves with his special move he tried at home killed them both tried at home

fucking hell explicit don't he was in the adverts Chris Benoit's finisher was Chris Benoit was in the adverts Chris Benoit's finisher was Chris Benoit was

in the adverts for don't try this at home for the wrestling and then killed his kid with a crippled cross face that's what it was

because he did that if you get it done to you you face down like your left arm's out and it's between

his legs you hold you down and then he's got his hands like that pulling your face back like that that was really rude it was a real rude

finishing move him and fucking Kurt Angle best of fucking five taps or whatever it was oh Kurt Angle was so good to hate as well he was a classic heel

wasn't he he was a superb heel and he's in Warrior he's in oh yes oh yes he's the Russian uh huh and he looks brutal in that oh in oh yes oh yes he's the Russian uh huh

and he looks brutal in that oh yeah yeah well I think that's the really nice thing about fucking wrestling they're like

oh yeah you can use roids we don't you can use steroids why would we give a shit of course we don't you need to yeah

how else are you going to be that size also despite the fact that you know fucking WWE has produced people like Chris Benoit it has also produced

men like John Cena who is one of the greatest men that's ever lived I did not pay any attention to the wrestling during the CM Punk

days and then it turned out when he came to the UFC it was a big deal for people he was huge I was like

my finger wasn't on the pulse at all and then he got fucking battered. I have to make a goal. That was one of the most... Just put him in with an actual fighter. And he just got his fucking head...

He brought a fucking knife to the gun fight. What are you doing, man? You're fucking... You're kidding us. It was the worst. The genuine fucking worst. You've played a fight for 11 and you're coming to the UFC. You've been fun fighting fighting you want to step in

with these cunts that's genuinely like me fucking turning up at fucking Stamford Bridge right but with my FIFA campaign

in my back pocket being like I think you'll find three champions leagues in a row so step aside Tommy Tuchel Sloss is coming to do it

here's my qualifications he got he got showed up I don't think he landed a glove nah nah I think he knows it as well I've been paying a little bit of attention

have you ever you ever heard of Logan Paul and Jake Paul yes I've heard of them right they're YouTube famous YouTubers aye

but so Jake Paul is the younger brother he's like 24 he's the one that's been doing all the fucking boxing right so he boxed a YouTuber called KSI and knocked him the fuck out

right and then he's the one that's been calling out Conor McGregor like shut up aye but I've been man he's a

he's a real life heel right but like Ernest Heel he's an earnest real life heel Ernest Heel that's a good Right. Ernest Heel. He's an earnest real life heel. Ernest Heel, that's a good wrestler name. Ernest Heel. Aye, very.

He's from the southern states. That's my wrestler name, Ernest Heel. He's a fucking better... So he beat KSI and then he called out... He got into some fight with some fucking basketball player, like some young man, and it knocked him the fuck out. So he's 2-0, and he's up against fucking Ben Askren next. And I've just been fucking watching it.

Are they fighting him at Dalatoli? No, no, he's doing it on YouTube. Yeah, yeah. But he now says he's fucking legit Milligan. But I'm now just, I'm hate following him. You're going to watch him until he falls, so that you can laugh when he falls. The more invested you are in his... Absolutely I would fall if Ben Askren man Mike Tyson doesn't

think so oh man he's that's part of the package isn't it that's part of the hype well I mean I'm not gonna I'm not I'm obviously not gonna fucking pay for that I'm not gonna watch that I think boxing is shite in general who gives a and I'm thrilled that YouTubers are getting into boxing and making it more of a joke than it already fucking is I love the downfall of boxing yeah

it's so shite the only one I'll tune into is Joshua V Fury just because fucking that I mean I'll always watch two guys that size

punch each other every time me when I get to the bed I hate the cunt but I'll have a little spy no not for a legitimate

repeated rapist I will not good point good point well made I would if I thought he was going to get beat up but I don't want I don't want to watch

a rapist doing really well like that's just inherently upsetting like oh god there's no consequences for his fucking actions say that fucking Michael Jackson actions can you

separate the man from the art and all that stuff is it any great loss really

you're going to miss a couple of boxing matches it's fine you'll be alright you never

really liked it anyway but if Jake Paul beats Ben Askin it's good because he's just a whiny

little antagonistic shit and I'm like I mean Connor would fucking do it for the money since he's got no credibility anymore that's true and such a demise we were so on board with that I watched a god not only die

but become a man and then lest me. I used to fucking deify this guy. You watch a god become a human become subhuman. Oh god, Jesus. I'd actually wish he'd just died. Like it would be way

better for me as a person if Conor McGregor had died in a car crash four years ago. Immortalised himself as who he was. Yeah, who he was then and none of this, none of this punching old men, none of these rumours that he doesn't deny any of them. Like, oh.

Aye, that was, that was really sorry. That's when I fucking loved George Carlin for that opening line when he was like, fuck Tega Woods, well, okay hear fuck Lance Armstrong at the time they were fucking

they were deities aye and then like after George Carlin dies they have a demise so you think he had something to do with it I just think like

he's like he didn't jump on any fucking hype train aye he didn't jump on a hype train with people he's like don't tell me

who to adore I'll fucking choose we jumped on a hype train with people he's like don't tell me who to adore I'll fucking choose we jumped on a hype train and it crashed

oh boy did it crash in the wars people around were going

fuck Conor McGregor Tim was just like are you still

sucking his dick it was just so good he used to say

he was going to bat a cunt and then he did it and I liked that

and that arrogance was so backed up it was so backed up that it you could only justify that kind of arrogance if you fucking

put your money where your mouth is and he did consistently for years put his money where his mouth is do you remember

that fucking Aldo fight like every 30 seconds 30 man but yes in the making oh three years that fight had been delayed do you remember that fucking Aldo fight like 30 seconds 30 man but but yes in the making oh

three years that fight had been delayed fucking twice we had to watch Mendes and there were another great fight we were watching we watched that in the fucking

in the car before getting on the fucking plane like we watched I watched it on the way to Benidorm on the way to Benidorm watching the UFC in the car

who are we oh I think we know whether we've been at home watching the UFC in the car. Who are we? Oh, I think we don't. Are we toxic? Wait, are we the incels? No. The incels

were coming from inside the house. Maybe we're not as woke as we think we are. Do we think we're woke? Waking.

I'm just not a morning person we think we are. Do we think we're woke? Waking. I'm just not a born in prison. I'm not. I'm woke but I'm not a born in prison. I'm being rudely awakened. I'm woke but I'm awake but I'm constantly pressing snooze. I want to

go back to bed. It's way better than that but I'll acknowledge that I might have to be awake at some point in the future look I'm up get us a coffee I'll be right down there sorry can't call you love anymore

I told you I'm not a morning person that's funny we are pretty funny pretty funny people are getting this early as well because they paid for it congratulations to you guys

for getting that fucking getting a laugh on a Monday oh aye Patreon's getting a laugh on a Monday good to be just the fucking start of the week doom and gloom and everybody else

you're getting it in the lull of the week you're getting it on hump day happy hump day the rest of the day once we have finished recording this podcast we are going to go

and do some bonus content for our patrons yeah we're going to do we've made three three situations for each other my COVID test is negative

yeah yay well I've got bad news for you because I've visited you since your test and woohoo we are doing this

At a social distance Aye Apart from your feet Apart from my feet Can you catch COVID From your feet Yeah we've We've put three

Congratulations on your test Thank you We've got three Hypothetical situations For each other Where it's like A hypothetical dad Where it'll be like

Your son comes up And says this Or you catch your daughter Doing this But that's for our bonus And that's like a hypothetical dad where it'll be like your son comes up and says this or you catch your daughter doing this but that's for a bonus and that's for a bonus also to the 150 people that have already

signed up as patrons including right this is just dead nice little Ali doesn't listen to the podcast I did spot that he doesn't listen

to the podcast he doesn't nope never has he doesn't listen to any podcasts he's a music person he just supported me so he doesn't even get has he doesn't listen to any podcasts he's a music person he just supported with

aye so he doesn't even get this little shout out now no I was I was messaging him the other day and

I can't remember oh no we were fucking playing Halo aye and he was just like oh yeah

support your Patreon I'm like oh did you listen to the last episode he was like oh I don't I don't listen to it supporting you guys supporting you I think you're you know I'm like oh did you listen to the last episode he's like oh I don't I don't listen to it I'm supporting you guys

I'm supporting you I think you're you know I'm happy for you guys but no no so to everyone that has subbed and and listens

thank you very much we will endeavour at one point to spend the money on on better equipment but not yet motherfuckers

because what is happening is you're going to Australia tomorrow yep so people are listening to this while Daniel is in flight yep

if you're getting on Monday and we're going to do this remotely so you're going to record audio at your end I'll record it on my end and we'll have a headphone zoom call

so I'll patch that together so we're going to keep it going thanks to the patrons keep them here and we're also going to put in bonus podcasts as the bonus material you here and we're also going to put in

bonus podcasts as the bonus material since we can't do the videos together aye I'll do I'll definitely get Nick Cody on

and Cam James and I'll I'll probably get Bart back on as well I've got a I've got a date I've got a date with Mark Nelson

aye I'll see if I can fucking talk Jean into coming on yes that would be awesome aye because the only time she's ever been on the podcast

Is when you called me out For gaslighter at that time Oh the pajama pockets Aye You put the pen Aye You planted the pen In the jammy pockets

I stole I borrowed Gene's pen once And she needed it back But she decided To text me in the morning From it And I was like It's in my jacket pocket

And she went up And she checked She texted I'm really sorry It's not in your jacket pocket and I'm like Gene I'm very hungover it's in the morning time I'm not woke and she was really fragile aye and she was like I promise you it's not in your jacket pocket and I'm like

Gene if I have to fucking get up and get this fuck it I'm going to be fucking raging and she texts me she's like I'm really sorry you have to and I get up and I put my jambi bottoms on and there's the pen in my pocket and I'm not going to admit I'm not going to admit, I'm not going to admit that, right? I've made too much of a point.

I've made too much of a fucking point that this is her fault. So I palm it and I go upstairs into my jacket pocket and I pull it out and I go, see? And then we had a podcast where I used that as an angle for a complete character assassination and just unravelled your entire psyche. Right. And fair enough. where I used that as an angle for a complete character assassination and just unravelled your entire psyche.

And fair enough. And Jean listened to it and felt seen. So maybe I can get it back on. Yeah. So yes, we're going to go over and do that. That will be out on Thursday, the video. And we'll also do some shout-outs to the patrons as well. Your dad cut off three of his toes

so that he could have one toe for every day of the week how many of his toes did he cut off? three he can't count well yeah if he cuts off three he's got seven left that's one for every day of the week common mistake

well not common easy mistake to make your dad has had 20 plus DNA tests that prove that his dog isn't his son and he's still not having it. I think of Heidi as my fur baby, okay? I don't care what this piece of paper says. Your dad crosses the street to tell women to smile.

In this climate. Aye, always. Where you can't see anything anymore Oh my Just him and Lee Hurst Your dad had What a bald loser Sorry

Sorry Sorry Lee Hurst Although you will listen to it But Jesus Christ You're so Far beneath me But not my contempt You're not even a real comic mate

You fucking boo man You're absolutely fucking out of touch You literal bald fraud Honestly I jumped on that hype train and I was trying With my fucking choice Your dad had an absolute whiteness that one time He tried weed but didn't inhale

Your dad pops his bollocks up his own arsehole To stop himself from accidentally sitting on them Your dad does press-ups on his knees Your dad plays as Sunderland on FIFA And plays to lose No, no, he even made you as a character star striker

why does that make me feel so gross because you know you've scored a hat trick in the stadium of light like Icky the fans cheered your dad

bit a hole through his bottom lip when I changed my T-shirt in front of him Your dad brushes his teeth with an Imbus 2000 An Imbus 2000? Your dad puts his hand

in his shade pockets to keep them warm while he's walking What the fuck's that? Are you following the police? No, sorry That was someone in the house didn't answer the fucking phone We've got delivery I thought are you calling the police no sorry that was someone in the house didn't answer the

fucking phone we've got delivery call the cops no I've been insulted arrest this man right aye that's the end

of this podcast right I'll go set up the other one right bye guys thank you