Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.13 Water Weights

Episode Date: March 31, 2021

Cream is doing his quarantine in Australia before he gets back to gigging, Muggins dials in to catch up after being drunkenly exposed to horoscopes. They discuss getting buff with the assistance of water weights and dedicate a good portion of the podcast to Sam Rockwell appreciation

Welcome to our latest episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the road. This one is done remotely over Zoom. Daniel is in Australia. I'm still at home in Glasgow. We had a Zoom call and we recorded it at either end and we've merged the two tracks together. Fucking, you're getting to see a lot behind the curtain here. And I want to thank the patrons for signing up to this shit

and making sure that we still kept it going in such circumstances and I thank everybody else who's tuning in as well I still love you too, just not as much because you don't pay what you know you're kind of freeloading but I still like you you're still enjoying my crack top and bottom of it

but this is a good episode because Danny's in lockdown and in quarantine in Australia and he's trying to keep himself busy in the hotel room with no real outside stimulation. And he tells a funny story about some water weights that his agent made him take with him. If you follow him on Instagram, you saw the mess. We talk about that.

I find it very funny. I think you will too. And enjoy. Here it is. Sloss and Humphries on the road Muggins and Cream, Cream and Muggins straight thuggin' livin' the dream that's our intro

fuckin' muggles ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh they said it can't be done are we in the same seats? that's hack aww muggles accidental rip job in the park kiss kiss kiss

or might just be cynical just muggled it up on fuckin' mugglepedia where have you been since 9-11? job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Are you recording on yours? I've already started. I've already started. I've already started. I mean, this'll just be a this'll just be a tough editing job for you,

that's all. Alright,, I'm here then. Fuck you. I'm just going to leave that in. Fair enough. As long as you sing them together, I couldn't give a wet hot shit. I'll deal with that. Don't you worry, mate.

Man, I'm too busy. I couldn't possibly do it. I'm fucking my schedule. Choke a block. I've got no free time in the day to possibly edit anything together. I mean, they've just missed the song. Off mic, I sang

a song. It was the best one yet. It was the best intro. Sure. It went something like this. Fuck, I shouldn't. You and me together. Oh, fuck, what's the words? Home and away. Come on. I don't know. Why's the words home and away come on

oh I don't know why would I know home and away I was born in 1990 not fucking 1980 you pig I don't think but you were in Australia

so like catch up with the culture do you think that's the national learn their language do you think it's the national anthem if you mate if you if you guys be there

would work there at least learn the language home and away that's the culture it's the national anthem I know believe me If you guys be there, we'd work there, at least learn the language. Home, home. That's the culture. It's a national anthem. I know, believe me, I know the Australian language. Can't and fuck off immigrants.

I'm very fluent. You and I belong together. Me and you forever and ever. Live in the dream where Morgan's head cream eh? aye? sure one day you'll join in I highly doubt that

I would not raise anyone's expectations like that I've been listening back to old podcasts because we're doing a rewind section on a Wednesday now where we'll just do a clip

from an old podcast next Wednesday is going to be the naked man that walked across the front of your bed and I've done literally nothing

about it you know that story yes and you spent 17 minutes calling us a little bitch now that story even though

it was only 17 minutes I mean it was only 17 minutes I mean it was a running theme throughout the rest of the podcast but like the bulk of the story

was so when I've been listening back to them you can enjoy the little melodies at the beginning it turns out

that you were like cool with it I just waterboarded you over 200 episodes and ground you down you had spirit you and ground you down. You had spirit when I did them. Well, good.

I'm glad you're to blame and it's not me. And also, hopefully, I reckon the OG fans probably know that. I think our impression of what this podcast is, is very different to what the people who've listened to it throughout the entire time. Because, you know, a lot of the time we do this podcast, either one of us or both of us is fucked. Or at least inebriated in some

way. And I'm going to be honest right now, I've got Irish balcony neighbours, so I'm fucking several ciders fucking deep today. Have you been chatting to your neighbours? Oh, man. So, like, any neighbours so I'm fucking several ciders fucking deep today have you been chatting any neighbours? oh man so like let me to just explain how

fucking well the Australians have fucking done this right so getting on the plane right there's it's a double decker Boeing it's fucking 787 whatever it is and I'm talking maximum

40 passengers on it like it's like the woman when I'm checking in she goes you're going to see a lot of free rows and you're going to be tempted to obviously lie down and just steal one of them for yourself don't those are there for social distancing and like I'm like honey I'm

in business class at no point am I looking at the three rows in economy going oh I wish it was me like I'll be grabbed is that in her mind is her mind is a row in economy better than a seat in business is it well the bed's definitely longer

because like four chairs beside each other is longer than like the single. I'm saying a poor air. Here's a question. Can you buy a row? And is buying a row cheaper than buying business class? I think you'd have to be quite like, because you know how sometimes they make

like larger people buy two air seats on your plane do they do that do they do that well they do yeah and i i i do i yeah they do and i understand that's a point of contention that's a real awkward conversation that like because it's a subjective conversation do you get you start measuring people like like what point do you start going right you look like you're not on the board so i'm gonna have to either just judge you and make a decision ruin the day for whoever sat next to you or measure you to see if you're within the limit to be fair i think uh from from the people i know that do have to that do take up two chairs on flights most of the time they just do it themselves.

Like it's, they know their size. They do it themselves. Like if you, if you're fat, like really big and you buy one seat on a fucking airplane, I understand those airplane seats are small. Like they're small for most people,

right? But they also do fit most people. Like some of that is on you. Like let's not pretend like they're the smallest things in the world. Some of the responsibility does fall on your wide ass. And, to be fair to most fat people,

they do go, fair enough, like I take up two seats. They all wish the seats were bigger. It feels a little bit like a lifestyle choice at that point. And I don't know how ignorant I'm being here, but I feel like your lifestyle could be a specific way that you could fit into the one seat, or it could be in the way that it is where you don't fit into the other seat, and it's a decision you've made. Right?

Aye, and yeah, I mean, I don't know. I'm only this big at the moment. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm working on it. I'm working on it I'm worried about being underweight at the moment I've bought scales and I keep checking them because I'm worried about getting too

I've been doing morning cardio every like five days a week and I can't eat enough and like I've got a six pack but a skinny lad

with a six pack it's pointless you know what I mean there's prisoners who all have six packs POWs have six packs it's me it's me

I mean they're not they're not they're not six packs they've not got abs mate they've got the lines cutting in, got the hips yeah the difference is

you can't call what prisoner of war have, you can't call those cum gutters that's when it's you can hardly be looking at all the people in Auschwitz being like fucking look at the cum gutters that's when it's you can hardly be looking at all the people in Auschwitz being like fucking look at the cum gutters on that boy fucking take me back then let me let me run loose um so we get on the fucking plane uh we're not we're not allowed off the plane in Singapore right so it's like you, which I'm fine with. Like, I think the worst part of flying in Australia is that bit

where they just make you do the airport again. Like, hey, we know you checked in, we know you did security and we know you're just in transit. But just for the fucking hell of it, do all of that again, but also with the panic of the fact that this next flight leaves in a fucking hour for no goddamn reason.

So they're like, stay on the flight. And I'm like, Grant, by the way, do this for all future flights. Just leave us on the fucking airplane and bring the gate. This could be something that we take from COVID and move forward into the new world. Where was that, in Singapore?

Singapore, aye. I've done that a few times in Singapore where you're just like, man. You've got so much money in this country, why have you got pub carpets out of the airport? It looks like a fucking 80s pub It looks like carpets from when you could still

smoke indoors Aye, that's because all the expats in Singapore loved the 80s in the UK and they went over to a country and were like, fuck it, let's take this country back to the 80s in the UK and they went over to a country and were like, fuck it let's take this country back to the 80s in the UK, we're expats and we hate fucking everything

Is that true, sorry we'll get back to track, is that true Colin puts news stories in the WhatsApp group, right and he never checks his sources, he just confirmation biases what he likes and he sends us a news story to us now he screen capped something out of an article,

so it didn't have the source or anything. But it was about they've started deporting Brexit-voting expats back from Spain in their crime in the airport. Is that true? Yes, that's true. They're getting ahead of being illegal immigrants. Not only is it true it's finger licking true that's where I'm at

I read it I filled with joy like it filled me cup like I was re-energised it was like it was good for me mental health

to read it right but then I was like oh it's screen capped it looks like somebody could have just typed it out on word

and then screen capped it and sent it around like I don't know if this is true, but the quote was about somebody crying in the airport given the interview. Let me rephrase your question, and then I'll phrase it to you. Is your question,

are British people who live in Spain racist dumb cunts? Yes. Yes, they are. And not all of them, but 98%. And are they getting repercussions for their stupidity and their racism? Yep. Are they getting... Yep, they are.

They're not allowed, because it's not necessarily they're being fucking deported, but it's the fact that their fucking visas have run out. They don't have citizenship in these countries. They're expats. They're just out there for a fucking bit. And now that we're no longer part of the EU, we don't have that benefit of being able to free travel

between these countries. And it's coming back and biting them in the ass. And if you are one of these people, may I say from the bottom of my heart, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, and if you are one of these people may I say from the bottom of my heart ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha fuck you and your mother

could I just add to that as well ha ha ha ha ha ha aye and dad dropped you aye and also I know your child's probably only six months old but put the headphones on your child right now and allow me to say this to your child ha ha ha ha ha ha I know your child's probably only six months old, but put the headphones on your child right now and allow me to say this to your child. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

I know you're innocent, but you're going to be raised by two cunts, so I've got no faith in you having the ability to become a human being properly. So, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Fuck you in 18 years. And now, could you rewind that whole section, play it back yourselves, but turn it up.

Put it through the big speakers send it to one of your fucking mates in Ibiza that you can no longer hang out with and get them to turn it into a fucking drop put a beat in it a little bit, break it down over to the listeners

man there's something fucking... In the same way that, like, that's funny, in the same way that every time an anti-vaxxer dies, it's fucking hysterical. No exceptions asked. It is. Especially if they get hit by a car. Well, fully immune.

Nothing to do. Aye, fully immune nothing to do I fully immune all of this is like the anti-vaxxer the anti-vaxxer dying of

covid the the brexit vote next part getting deported it's it's the guy it's the

the guy who the flat earther who fucking made the rocket we need his name because that's the it's the that his name rocket we need his name because that's the it's the

his name mad mike mad mike it's the the mad mike what's the word no not what's the word

for the thing that it is the the mad no no schadenfreude I'm trying to say

fallacy like the mad mike fallacy but fallacy's wrong because fallacy means like it's it's not correct. The Mad Mike technique.

There's a word. People are screaming it. Nah. The Mad Mike's something. We need to coin it, though. How can we coin it if we can't find the word, Daniel? Speaking of the fucking Mad Mike thing, one of the promo bits I've had to do

for fucking selling tickets in Australia is the Guardian out here they were like can you send us 10 of your funniest videos online, 10 videos on YouTube that you find very very funny we'll stick them on our webpage and it'll

get people to know your sense of humour so I obviously stick in the death of Mad Mike because you'll never convince me that that's not the funniest video. Is this for telly? Is this for TV? No, no, no.

It's just for the Guardian website. Oh, right. I thought you were trying to get snuff porn on telly. An actual death. Right, so the Guardian get back in contact so they're like this is great

so thanks so much for doing this Daniel really appreciate it and then they said like an email three days later being like sorry we've just

fully watched through the video does that guy die in the video and I was like yeah that's why it's funny it wouldn't be funny

if he survived because then he'd just do it, he would just continue spreading his line, we can't we can't post that on our website, can you give us a 10th video and I'm like, you're sending 9 out and I'll tell the public why you're sending 9 out

because you refused to admit the 10th, I actually buckled and I said, it's so fucking funny. May I? Right, so you... Go on. You land in Australia. Bye-bye.

You land in Australia, you get off with 40 fucking people, and we're on the plane for an extra 20 minutes, because another plane has landed, and you are not allowed to even be in proximity of that plane that entire plane has to go through immigration collect their luggage

before you're allowed off your plane to get to immigration because they do not have any crossover between fucking anything but it's a quick immigration because it's 40 fucking people you get straight through, you pick up your luggage. So the whole time, because I'm fucking angling for an upgrade in the hotel room,

I'm like, hi, do you know the name of the hotel that we're going to? And they just go, the police decide. Like, it's up to the police where you go. Now, go talk to the army people. And you go talk to the army people. And the army take your luggage. They put it under the fucking bus. The air force takes you on the bus.

What? Fucking makes you write down all, write down all these fucking forms of all your fucking details and then you're on this one bus on the way to a hotel with a police officer on a motorbike in the front.

My God, I didn't know it was this military man. I thought it was procedures and protocol in place. I didn't think it was a fucking absolute operation oh it's one of the most

like genuinely fucking props to Australia like it's it's very impressive of how they've done it get to the fucking hotel and I say

I'm like look I'd like an upgrade if it's possible for an upgrade I'd just like one that's I can afford it and I'd like one. Please let me know.

And they go, it's not up to us if you can have an upgrade. It's up to the police whether you can have an upgrade because we can't transfer you from room to room. The police have to transfer you from room to room to make sure that you don't go anywhere else. It's got, like, everything is this fucking efficient. So, like, the morning of the Wednesday, they phone up and it's the hotel guy and he goes,

Mr. Sloss, I've heard you want an upgrade. And I'm like, yep, happy to pay whatever it is. Like, it's a two-week quarantine. I'm out working and I've, you know, I've come from a fucking quarantine in the UK where I'm allowed outside. I'm fine with quarantines, but I do need my fresh air. So the police then

phone half an hour later and Mr Sloss, how you doing? I'm doing fine is there any particular reason you want an upgrade? And I was like man I'm not going to lie to you, like I could say I'm claustrophobic, I could say I've got all these things I just want an upgrade

no no, didn't say that, I went I literally said I'm chancing my arm I'm just chancing my fucking arm and he just went right fair enough we'll come and collect you in an hour

so I fucking packed my bags right come upstairs and I'm in this new room and there's a fucking balcony now immediately because I'm

like unlike you I wasn't raised I was raised in an area where we respect the police and laws in place but even the Australian ones I was raised in an area where we respect the police and laws in place. Even the Australian ones.

I call them soon. So I get into my... But I see the fucking balcony and I open the door and I step out onto it and immediately I just go, there's no way, there's no way you're allowed to have a balcony during a quarantine. There's no way during a fucking quarantine I'm allowed the opportunities to spit on the public.

That seems inherently against what, you know, quarantine is. So, and there's an ashtray outside on the balcony as well. So I run back in, I phone reception and I just go dead sheepishly. I'm like, hi, sorry, it's Mr. Sloss's room, whatever.

And they go, yeah, I mean, we know that, but that's what the system tells us who you are. It's 2021, dude. Did you dial with your finger? Like, you know, the circle dial thing, the old school phones. The rolling phones. I operate, I put me through

please and she connects to reception then she plugs in one of them big aux cables into the reception part of the switchboard

so I go am I am I allowed out in the balcony and she goes uh huh that's that's

that's why you paid for a balcony I was like yeah just double checking. And also, there's an ashtray on the balcony. Are you allowed to smoke? And she went, no, but who's going to stop you?

Like, you're on a, who's checking? You're on a COVID floor. And I'm like, you? I'm not regressing on myself now. Just double checking so so if you you don't

what's funny about this is you don't smoke well you just kind of take it up as a two fucking years but well you take it up

as a hobby because you're bored break up the day aye so I've started smoking again aye aye so I go out

and I fucking I have man I've gone through I've gone through a pack in four I go out in the fucking I have man I've gone through I've gone through a pack in four days it's class it's like a

man do you know what genuinely something to look forward to something to look forward to man yeah no four o'clock

I have coffee with a wine coffee and a minty on a balcony aye in Australia that's Adelaide man that was our first fucking

Adelaide trip me and Jimmy McGee. That was a 2014 trip, wasn't it? We had it all. Like, a minty and a fucking coffee on a balcony. Aye. Like that.

Aye, that sounds delightful. So, I go out there, and we've got, I go in the balcony, I've got two Irish neighbours, like, next balcony and we've got, I go in the balcony, I've got two Irish neighbours, like next balcony and next balcony over called Mike and Mick because of course that's their fucking name.

Paddy couldn't make it, could he not? No, no, I think he died. I think he actually didn't make it through COVID. Otherwise, they're all very upset. So they've done four quarantines. They're out here they sell horses and

this is their fourth one. Mick and Mike, your Irish name, have sold horses. Aye. You have made the most cliched imaginary friends. Like, your imaginary friend has no imagination.

You just stuck to the stereotype. You didn't give it any flair. No, no. Please, please. It's like I said to my friend Francois the Frenchman. He said, sacre bleu. He was shocked. He couldn't believe it.

Yeah, he threw his necklace of onions over his shoulder and tutted. Aye. And unfortunately, my Australian neighbour who was coming back into the country, I didn't go eat her baby. So it's been very tough for her as well. So we're all going through separate things.

They are other quarantines they were in single fucking rooms where you weren't even allowed to open the window for the two weeks so at any point that i was about to be like you know like oh this is you know tough this is isolation there's two irish people beside me who are just out in the balcony every day going this is fucking class and I'm like oh right alright okay I guess this is fucking class then so they just had a different perspective on it well I mean don't be wrong

they're like look it's still it's still tough like it's still isolation like you've got to remember like the way they punish people in prison is to isolate them but they also don't deliver six beers to the room every day three fucking square meals and there's not you know an xbox and an internet connection um so i mean so yeah i mean just tonight i was out in the fucking balcony i had it like the mornings are fine because i do my rule to myself

here just to is wake up no phone, read a chapter of my book work out immediately, just fucking do that because otherwise there's no exercise during the day, you're not doing anything, so do a workout, do my meditate, go for a fucking cold shower, I've done four good things for myself and then however

I treat the rest. And then have a coffee and a minty on the balcony, fucking stinking weird. And then have a coffee and a minty. This sounds great fucking sting a weirdy. And then have a coffee and a minty. Ah man, this sounds great. What I wanted you to do though because I saw your Instagram story and I saw it coming a mile off talk to me about your water weights.

Oh my fucking god man. So we both let's do the most important thing that we do before we ever tell a story about Marlena which is to preface it with the fact that she is

she's a brilliant agent she is an absolute fucking rottweiler we wouldn't have the careers we have if it wasn't for her she's like a benevolent Jamie Spears. She is. She means well, but she occasionally misses the mark by a thousand fucking yards, right? So despite the fact that I haven't seen my personal trainer since fucking I don't know August last year right she she goes what you gonna

do for weights in a week new for working out and when you're in quarantine and I'm like I'll either just do I'll either rent stuff from the hotel because it'll be a hotel that's got a gym so though right and I know people who can make stuff there's also you can rent weights and exercise bikes and treadmills because again australia is used to having people in quarantine now so there are companies that literally rent or you have everything available to be delivered to your fucking door yeah and i know people who have all this stuff and there's so much well there's so much body weight you can do that for the sake of two weeks yes you're not missing out on a great deal

if you're just doing body weight for two weeks. Man, a couple of fucking... I'm not even doing much weight workout. I'm just doing HIIT stuff. I'm doing 30 minutes of HIIT, get body fucking sweat, press up, like full body workouts, just get the body moving.

And then if I really wanted to build muscle, which I'm not in the mood for right now, but you would do fucking Tom Hardy's prison workout that he did for fucking warrior. Yeah. Options there. And if you are well into your weights the mood for right now but you would do fucking Tom Hardy's prison workout that he did for fucking Warwick yeah and if if you are like if you are well into your weights and you are worried

about losing size and you wanted to do maintenance for two weeks you would take a couple of strong resistance bands and you would you would use resistance bands right

just to just to be you're not you're not gonna put on any like real size with I mean you probably could I reckon you probably could

put on size with good resistance band training but despite all of these but no no despite all of these arguments that I give Marlena about all these other options Marlena had heard about this wonderful little website called wish.com I didn't know the word off wish

they're not from wish but they obviously definitely are she claimed oh man so she goes when I'm over there she just keeps going so I've bought these water weights for you I'm like Marlena I don't want water weights she's like but they're so handy and convenient

because you just take them over I'm like, Marlena, I do not fucking want. I literally said this, Marlena, I do not fucking want to take these water weights.

I'm not interested in the water weights. I'm not taking the water weights. Don't make me fucking take the water weights. But the second Marlena gets something in her head, it's, that's reality. It's easier,

it's easier to just do it. It's easier to just do it. It's, so my full intention, my full intention was to just do it. It's easier to just do it. So my full intention, my full intention was to just take the water weights in the bag and then never fucking open them. Literally never open them. I get to Australia, I move into my fucking new room and they fall out the bag while I'm unpacking

and man, they look comically shit. Mate, I couldn't believe it. Like fucking, they look like, no, before they even inflated, man, they look comically shit. Mate, I couldn't believe it. Like fucking, they look like, no, before they even inflated, man, they look like a prize at a fucking fun fair shit. Like I can tell, the second I see the package,

I'm like, these are the worst things in the world. So I'm just going to fill them up because I know how shit this is going to be. It's going to be a laugh. Hello? It's going to be a fucking laugh. Oh, my fucking God.

There you are. Because i honestly thought right i thought when she said you got these water weights right what it would be is like a plastic frame like you know how you've got the ones that are full of cement like the plastic one and they've got like the cap on them right i thought she was giving you a bunch of like plastic things that you could fill and that would like fit onto the bar and then actually still be even though they didn't weigh so much when you traveled, they'd still take up quite a lot of your bag. So in my head, I was like,

that's quite a lot of displacement in your suitcase for the sake of having what? What's the maximum you're going to get? Like 14 kilos or something? Because if you're using water to get a 20 kilo dumbbell, it's got to be fucking massive, man. It's got to be stupidly big so I was expecting like about 10 kilos, 12 kilos of

worth of like plastic frame that you put on that would be at least robust, right and I still thought that was ridiculous I thought it was gonna be terrible you weren't expecting 8 condoms that could be filled up.

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like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like,

like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like like I've seen she sent me the to be fair she sent me like the image like the you know

the fucking advertisement image right and it's of this really fucking buff guy and somehow they have filled these weights to capacity

and I'll tell you how they filled these weights to capacity with a lovely lovely workout called Photoshop that's how they made them with that

fucking pic right in the same way that the only reason that fucking cunt looked ripped is because of fucking Photoshop so you know I fucking filled them up it's a disaster the float In the same way that the only reason that fucking cunt looked ripped is because of fucking Photoshop.

So, you know, I fucking filled them up. It's a disaster. But the floor, I filled them up three days ago. The floor is still wet where it is. Like it's damp as fuck to this day. Not from your sweat and tears though, not from your workout. Oh no, no, There were definitely fucking tears. Was the workout just getting easier every rep?

You're just like, it's a piece of piss. When she... Man, I am dripping with sweat. When she packed them... When she gave you them water weights, did she earnestly think that you were going to have this, like, rocky montage, really good, sick workout? She thought you were going to have this rocky montage, really good sick workout she thought you were going to be there like

I am the tiger, that's the thrill of the fight just fucking beats with a sweatband on and your arms whenever the weights get too much all I have to do is open one of them up and take a quick drink to fucking refresh myself because they're the most

convenient weights in the whole weight world. So, I post the video on fucking Instagram and everyone that has had Marlena harass them about me bringing them weights, which is a lot of people. Cullen was harassed

to make me bring the weights. Cara was harassed by Marlena to make me bring the rates. My parents knew about these fucking weights. Everyone I know knew about these fucking weights because Marlena was so goddamn adamant that I'd bring them fucking out here, right? So immediately I post a fucking video and all of them start messaging me,

dying laughter, going, this is amazing, this is so funny. And then fucking God bless marlena she fucking wakes up she clearly she clearly watches the videos and she just says to me this bitch she just goes i'm so mortified like i'm so sorry which is the only which is the only person i could project it i couldn't see it coming she couldn't see it coming she couldn't see it coming and she said

she goes I'm so glad you managed to get a laugh out of it but you know I'm really sorry she saw the funny side of it because like Tom my manager agent over here

he was messaging about it so he was obviously giving her a fucking hard time and Marlena can't look she can take a fucking joke so I was like Marlena in what world were they gonna fucking be good like realistically how did you fucking expect these things to turn out she was just like honestly like they just looked really good I thought it was so fucking convenient I was like you know what next time next time why don't

you just buy me an inflatable dartboard or better yet better yet I sell you these fucking magic beans I've got they're really good I'll give you them for 5% less commission so then she's been fucking messaging me and obviously fucking

being Marlena she's like this is like she's like she feels screwed right and she's trying to upcycle them and find a second use for them she's like, this is like, she's like, she feels screwed, right? And she's trying to upcycle them and find a second use for them and she's trying to find alternative use Right she's after a fucking refund, right? She's after a refund, I'm like, Marlena, I'm not

bringing them back, like in what world are those going back? Cut your fucking losses. And also, refund for what? 69p like she didn't spend bucks on them

apparently she did but apparently they were not cheap no no I was like

Marlena Marlena are you sure are you sure you didn't read the small print are you sure

it wasn't just water are you sure it wasn't water weights and not just water the fucking point weights? Because it seems to be... Like, genuinely, I was half fucking tempted to bullshit it because they're balloons, right?

You can't fill them up properly with water. There's no way to do that. But you could do it with air. So I was very, very tempted to just genuinely inflate them all up, make them look full. And then just every day, just post me going through 900 reps. Just lift them in. Just with balloons.

Should I essentially blow? Should I pour you water bombs to wake up with? Wake up with? and left them in just for balloons she essentially she said she bought you water bombs to work out with work out with these are people when

because you've put you've put them on Instagram and that obviously expires after 24 hours don't it send us their videos and I'll post them

on the on the Patreon so people if people can have a little like fucking they can get they can get they can get a visual

of what the fuck went on I'll post it on Patreon I mean you'll they'll save to your phone right they'll save to your phone yeah I'll just

drop and just delete I mean save to my camera roll well Marlena so I mean Marlena's already Marlena's already

fucking messaged me because she's like she's enjoying all my Instagram videos and she's like can you save all of those? And I'm like, I'm not... I'm not saving... I'm doing these videos to keep myself sane.

This isn't work. And I'm not going to turn it into fucking work. But apparently it does automatically save, so I should be able to... I should be able to... Yeah, I think you can't find an archive on it. Let's figure that out, because I think it'll be funny for the patrons to yeah I think you can't find an archive on it let's figure that out because I think it'll be funny for the patrons

because I think even though we've described it I think physically seeing it it's fucking like it blew my mind because I knew

there was going to be shit and it was fucking way worse than my expectations way worse it was man honestly the worst

but this is like but what's the best thing about it is what I really really like about this is I can now use the words

water weight as a safe word for the next five years against Marlena oh you can use that any time the water weight clause

it's like you have to do this I'll be like water weights you have to do this water weights Marlena water weights I don't have to fucking be like water weights She's like you have to do this Water weights Marlena Water weights I don't have to fucking do anything

Water weights It's the water It's the water weights idea You've got the water weights clothes That you can pull out Water weights clothes That you can pull out at any moment Instead of

Aye Instead of Watergate This is water weights Yes In Yes In Excellent

Excellent 1970s political turmoil reference I went I went to the VAR checked the screen I blew the whistle I pointed to the centre spot in but you know what

nobody celebrated because it was a little bit of like is it well I mean if you point to the centre spot that's a

oh wait I was yeah it's not the penalty spot I nearly fucked your joke sorry I didn't worry about it I literally fucked yours

I travelled all over it I clocked myself stepping over one of your jokes earlier on this podcast and noticed it it was the national anthem one with home and away

and I realised I totally stepped over it and then dropped it back in later on so people probably thought that I'd missed it and then dropped it back in later on so people probably thought that I'd missed it and then used it myself but I don't even know what joke you're referencing

when I started talking about you learning the language home and away and you went oh do you think it's their national anthem and then I kept on talking and then I went aye it's the national anthem I heard a joke earlier I just ignored it and stepped over it so that's progress right is that progress? well I don't think so I saw

in the comments on paper as well somebody said I did it again I stepped on a lot of your jokes or something like that people should turn it into, people at home you know what fuck it, from now on if you want to turn this podcast into a drinking game, drink every

time Kai steamrolls over one of my fucking jokes and ignores them and let us know how drunk you get, because if you end up slightly tipsy, I guess that's progress, but if you end up in fucking rehab if your parents have an intervention

they're like, you have to stop it's not me it's Kai he keeps ruining Sloss's jokes but why do you take that so hard why does it drive you to the bottle I got mullered on Friday night

you know how people like you know Gav I'm just acting like there's a little audience who don't know Gav passed his Sparky exam he's a qualified

electrician now and I was like why don't we just get you up and do some work on your hoose and that means I'm hiring you

you're not breaking Covid rules to come and have a fucking pint with us basically and I'll give him a try of your Thursday

whiskey or the air the the the line skip a wolfsburn yes I so how to try and I think you know blink it's three o'clock what fucking absolutely bullet it's a fucking it but they could get no I mean not to give Wolfsburg any more free advertising, but you know what? Fuck it, yes, to give them more free advertising. It's fucking great. It doesn't taste like 58%, does it?

You know what? I was giving Gav a taste, like, by the way, this tastes fucking lethal, it's pain stripper, right? Because my memory of it was getting fucking absolutely demolished off a double. I had a double and then I moved on to make as well because I was like fucking I can't keep drinking this right so

my memory of it is that it was hostile but it was the reaction that was hostile not the actual palate of it so I it's remarkably smooth I pitched it to Gav like it was hostile and Gav had one sip of it and went this is nice, man.

It just made me feel like a pussy. And then I was like, I was only meant to be giving him a taste to say, like, fucking taste how brutal this is. And then I had a taste of it. I was like, all right, next thing you know, boosh. Oh, by the way, fucking next thing you know, the pair of them, Natalie and Gav, started, honestly, this is what, you know, like peer pressure.

Someone tries to get you to take a fucking hard drug that's like, you know, say if like Natalie doesn't decoak, but then she's running with three people that decoak, and they're like, should I have one of them? And I'll show them she's outnumbered, and I fucking, right? You know what they offer?

It's two of them. Two of them on one of me. Star scenes, horoscopes, the fucking pitch that's hard at fucking one in the morning. I'm mullet. And I'm like, yeah, you still do this to me,

like, don't be fucking trying to read with the fucking horoscopes on me at fucking one in the morning. Like, I'll fucking fight the period Gav's Gav's not a horoscope is he

oh listen to the pitch this is the pitch that he came at it with right he was like look it's not on me to work out how it works and I know it shouldn't work

but you can't deny that certain people depend on the horoscopes have certain traits and and that's obviously been pattern formed by more than one person

that pattern formed the people's behaviour and all that right and then like a Leo acts this way and a Taurus acts this way and then these people clash and these people work

well together and all that and he's like it's too fucking common for it to not be like seen as legitimate like just because we can't explain

how it works doesn't mean it doesn't work and all that and I'm like oh dude I'm like oh dude I'm like yeah let me break a dune for you

you've got like your school years right I got into school young with knee pubes because I'm born in July right

I got into fucking baby right I'm the baby of the year yet there's somebody born in September that's got fucking hairy armpits at the start of the term

and all that right and the fucking and the thickest foot because I've had one year's no education for by the time we, in the thickest fuck because I've had one year with no education before by the time we get to the same age, right?

So you've got people that are different. Malcolm Gladwell's got a bit, Malcolm Gladwell's got a great book on exactly this, on exactly this, the month you were born, how it determines,

not necessarily your personality, but your success in the world. My birthday's in the summer, six months until Christmas. I've got a wildly different experience of fucking self-worth for people that want to fucking come out and party with me

compared to the person that's born on the fucking 27th of December and nobody gives a fuck because it's just been Christmas. You know? So they probably feel a little bit like fucking chopped liver. Like, as far as getting

that little bit of extra attention poured on them, right? So there's fucking, like a million different ways that you can channel the behavior of somebody and then and then like what you you start talking again hold on a minute like what about all the different other variables that affect your behavior like like i'm a middle child so i'm probably gonna start having like i'm probably gonna start having the traits of a gemini or whatever like I don't know what the fuck traits are in each thing

but there's going to be things that affect my behaviour that will put me in a bracket that at some point in time we are fucking stupid stars like Alanis is fucking bollocks and all of it's probably confirmation bias, I could probably read out, go Gav this is a Leo and read out Sagittarius to Ian, you'd find something

that fits you and then I'd go and it's bollocks it's a Sagittarius No, no, that's exactly what horoscopes are of Leo in the middle of Sagittarius and you'd find something that fits here and then I'd go and it's politics of Sagittarius no no that's exactly what horoscopes are you keep them vague enough to fucking be accurate here's talk to anyone

about horoscopes right and just ask them to try and explain to you the basics so go right how does my star sign how does these stars

millions of light years away affect my personality I accept that the moon has the ability to change the tides. It affects the fucking tides. Do you know how far away the next nearest star is

from the fucking moon? I'll tell you what it is. It's our sun. Do you know how fucking far away that is? Do you know how far the next farthest star is? It takes seven minutes of the speed of light for it to reach it. Man, like, and you want to... I just, like, there is...

And I'm devastated to find out that Gav is one of them. But there is, to me, like, flat Arthurs, and then, like, literally, I'm going to say a hair's breadth above them intellect-wise is horoscopally... Oh, sorry, sorry. Not a hair's breadth about the the width of

the height of Mad Mike now so there's Flat Earthers and then there's the height of Mad Mike as a fucking pancake that's how much higher in intellect

people with horoscopes are it's you have to be a particular fucking breed of stupid to think that these star signs, which are only star signs to us.

This is my immediate family, my wife and my brother. I'm outnumbered by them and I'm like, I'm just like fine, just rolled my sleeves over me. I was like, there could be fucking 10 of you. There could be 20 of you. Fucking

oh, Gav, man. Fucking funny. Gav, you read? 20 a year fucking oh get off man fucking for you Gav I know Gav Gav you read

like I don't he's a smart kid you know what it is though this is this is the difference right as Natalie

Natalie believes in Star Saints because she's sensational I think she just likes letting the magic of it into my life now she's a fucking

dreamer right this is the difference I think Gav's I think Gav's letting the magic of it into my life now she's a dreamer this is the difference I think Gav's last alley is like that now but I'll not let it in you know what I mean Gav's a little pussy but bitch he doesn't believe anything Gav there

is doing what he's fucking told that's what he's doing wait since Gav believes in horoscopes is there any chance you fucking told him is what he's doing yeah wait since hold on since Gav believes in horoscopes is there any chance you could tell him about these amazing water weights

that I've got for sure from Dead Goods they they're man they're so efficient they're probably probably the best workout gear

I've got and I'm willing to sell them to him for the marked down price of 500 pounds and that's a bargain tell him it's a bargain yeah and if he's a price of 500 pounds and that's a bargain tell him it's a bargain and if he's a Scorpio

he should know that's a fucking bargain and Mercury's in retrograde so clearly I'm in a good mood and that's why I'm giving this away that is very Taurus of you it was funny

I mean I was good it was really good because I hadn't seen Gavin in six months so it was like it was good crack it was good because I hadn't seen Garbage Six once so it was like it was good crack it was good technical

for his for his hocus pocus and then for his stupid ass beliefs and then yesterday last night

me and Natalie watched fuck I love this man so much Sam Rockwell in Best of Enemies he's the fucking best actor

I've not seen Best of It he's the best actor that there is. He's fucking... I don't think there's a better actor than him. Have you seen Moon yet? Moon? Have you seen Moon? No.

No? Not the Jim Carrey thing. You've not seen Moon? Man, if you like Sam Rockwell, watch Moon as soon as you possibly can. Right, I'll do that today. I'll watch that today. You know, it's such a deal-breaker for choosing a film, right?

We're doing that, what we're going to watch, right? Start scrolling. The minute me and Natalie saw Sam Rockwell's name, we're like, that one, do it. Like, I'll watch anything with him in it. Genuinely, Best of Enemies is on my list for the exact same fucking reason. The second I saw him, I was like, this is going to be a fucking great movie.

Do you know what the story is? Joe Gilligan. Joe Gilligan? That's exactly what we said last night. We're like, if he's in it... Those are the two actors that I go, anything you do is going to be fucking outstanding and superb and I'll happily watch it.

Do you know anything about what the story's about at Best of Enemies? Do you want... No, no idea. Like, it's a true story. It's happened. It's like, it's played out. So, like, a spoiler wouldn't really be a spoiler

other than, like... Oh, no, still no, no. Oh, wait, can I talk about it or not? Hold on, can I talk about it? Right, the guy... I'm trying not to give too much away, right? The guy is Klu Klux Klan president. He's a villager in Durham in South Carolina, North Carolina,

something like that, right? One of the southern states. And he gets brought in to discuss the integration of schools because there's a black school being burnt down and the need to be educated. So they're like, we're going to have to put them in with the white kids. So the whole thing is about like the community

deciding whether to integrate the kids. It's set in the 70s, 71. Sorry, I have a question. Is this, what year is this? Is this the Jim Crow era? 1971. Fucking hell, that's me asking when was the Jim Crow

I don't know so basically he ends up on this board where he's been chosen because of the noise going forward

against it right but like the more he like chats to people the more he like he's immersed in it the more he starts

like waking up to the idea that that people too right and I'm like that is the fucking and it's a true story as well right but that is the fucking hardest position in the world to become woke from to become woke from being a clan leader right is it would be so much easier to just fucking

shut the door on the honest truth of the world and just go, I'm going to die on this hill. You know, he has to literally put his life at risk to open his eyes. And I'm like... Here he goes. Jim Crow era, sorry, was from... Well, post-Civil War era until 1968, so there you go

that was just for sorry in that era I think most of the things were integrated at that point I think schools were one of the the last things left from integration but fuck me what a journey he has to go on psychologically

from his stance and his world view to like realising that his world view is wrong, like inherently wrong and like and fucking Sam Rockwell absolutely crushes the role of transition Do you know another

really really fucking good Sam Rockwell movie that you'll forget that Sam Rockwell's in it? Not Mr. Right. Well, Mr. Right's exceptional. Mr. Right, that is your fucking conclusion of rom-com. One of my favourite lines in the entire fucking history of movies is Mr. Right, and this isn't much of his work. Mr. Right, played by Sam Rockwell

he's just like the world's greatest fucking assassin and he falls in love with Anna Kendrick, this is not spoiler this is the little premise of the movie and he sees Anna Kendrick for the first time and obviously she's got no idea that he's the greatest killer in the world

and he goes up to her and he's like what can I do to get you to go on a date with me? I'd love to go on a date with you. And she was like, in two words, tell me why I should go on a date with you. And he goes, two words? Two words? Ugh.

Or else. The other movie that he's fucking exceptional in, which you wouldn't... And he's a minor role in it because nobody realised what a phenomenal actor he was back then. Galaxy Quest. Galaxy Quest. I had no idea he was in that.

Is that the film that we watched with Mark Miller Mark Miller where you've done the you're talking about the movie

before and after yeah you're talking about why you chose this movie and then you've done a Q&A after the movie at that little indie cinema

in Glasgow man yeah I know you because you're like me you fucking forget movies after a period of time go back and watch

Galaxy Quest it is one of the funnest movies in the world and it's one of the Alan Rickman's greatest fucking performances oh yeah

it's so fucking fun I can't even remember the plot really it would be about 2012 when I last watched that then I won't tell you anything else. Just, man, go let yourself... But watch Moon first.

Moon is great. I'm not talking about fucking... I love that when you go back and watch something. Because, you know, even when I watched it, you said Alan Rickman's greatest role. That was probably the first Alan Rickman movie I'd seen. Like, I hadn't... I only watched Harry Potter, like, in recent years, really.

So, like, I didn't even know it was Snape. So, I think it's funny when you go back and watch a film and everybody in it has since become superstars

like I think it was Black Hawk Down I watched and they're in the helicopter and when I first watched that film I didn't think

I knew anyone in the helicopter and I knew I'm like oh that's fucking Jamie Lannister that's fucking every kind

it's Spurs from Trainsunt that's why it's always it's like if you watch Band of Brothers or The Pacific you just go holy shit Rami Malek

oh my god John Barthel oh my fucking god David Schwimmer my mate yeah yeah always get him in

alright so I spoke to one of my other celebrity friends today I've had this call now me get him in alright alright so I I spoke to one of my other celebrity friends today I've had this call now me aye sure

bigger than the world Carl Penn aye speak to Carl how you doing Carl Penn because he's because he's in a quarantine at the exact same time

he's gone into so Carl's filming in eh Canada just now filming a show, and they're filming mid-fucking COVID,

so all the crew have all their gear on. But one of them contracted... A member of the crew contracted COVID, so everyone just has to fucking go into isolation. So we've just basically... I mean, I mean he's I think he's just been tested

like we'll find out soon but we're literally in at the same time so but he's done fucking four of them as well

so I was phoning him today I'm like I'm like what's like what's the secret to quarantine

just like just don't don't just whatever you do don't use just don't don't just just whatever you do don't use water don't use water weights whatever you do

just avoid the water weights he's just just live through it honestly I reckon like I know

I've always got high opinion of myself I reckon I could date jail time I reckon I reckon I'd be alright with just being like

boxed in for a bit I could keep I could keep I could keep myself busy oh no man not in prison you couldn't like in this environment

you absolutely fucking couldn't you've got an apartment to yourself or not even an apartment but you've got a fucking hotel room to yourself I imagine you'd be finding that

not in a prison, it's nothing else man have you read Papillon? I haven't but I have read that other one that you, Enchanted the Enchanted where he's in solitary confinement and it's basically

like, it's just his kind of internal interpretation like because he like even when like he talks about these like gnomes or something that live in the walls and the tap on the pipes or something like that right and like yeah he talks about them as if they're real and they're really there but you're like but you're just like oh that's when like the heating comes on and the pipes start to like noises so like anything that makes a noise or happens outside that wall is built like this imaginative world around what's

going on around him almost like he's gone insane but he hasn't acknowledged that he's gone insane so he's just letting this world play out that he thinks he's built Oh god I'm glad you reminded me of that because I remember there was a period of time where that was my favorite fucking book and i don't think i've read it so i think i just read a bunch of books since then and one of those became my favorite book i really should go back

and give that what was the one you said papillon papillon based on it's a true story so it's this fucking uh french guy who uh was like uh he did some fucking crime in France in the I don't know if it was the fucking 20s or 30s but then was fucking deported to like some overseas fucking prison which he escaped from and then was caught and then went to another higher security fucking

prison on a more horrible island and then he fucking escaped that and then he lived in the fucking Navajo desert for a while and then was caught again and then but there's that and then he lived in the fucking Navajo desert for a while and then was caught again but there's one part, it's a phenomenal book, it's so Are you sure that's Papillon or not Michael Schofield? I mean

probably Prison Break was at least very loosely based on fucking Papillon but there's one bit where he's where he's like, he talks about all the prisons and how fucking shit they all are. But like, it's always like, oh, you know, I knew I'd get in this one. I knew I'd, you know, this is what the fun,

even though we were all miserable, these were the fun bits of this. He's put in solitary confinement for two fucking years. Like literally, like nothing, no light. No books, no light. You're just, your consciousness exists in space, really. nothing, no light. No books, no light. Your consciousness

exists in space, really. So for the first six months, he nails it, right? Because he knows that he's put them in solitary confinement. They put him in solitary confinement to fucking break him. So he's just like, I'm not going to

be fucking broken. So he walks constantly. He knows the exact length of his halt. It's selling. He walks back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. him so he's just like i'm not going to be fucking broken so he walks constantly he walks but he knows the exact length of his hall uh it's selling he walks back and forth back and forth back and forth so he's walking 15 miles a day he's doing press-ups he's doing fucking pull-ups he's also got some guy who you know he's not been thrown in solitary for fair reasons so one of the fucking guards is dropping him off in like his shitty meager food bucket they're dropping him tiny little bits of extra food rations, it's like an extra coconut right, and even though it doesn't seem like much

that extra fucking coconut, the fact that somebody out there is looking out for him it's enough for him to fucking defy the prison system, be like you know what, I'm gonna be I'm gonna fucking beat this, and then they find the guy that's been dropping off these coconuts, and then for another 18 months, he's just locked in

and it's the only part of the fucking book where the chapter is it just he just goes there's not much I can say

other than there's there's there's nothing as awful as it like I've been in every fucking prison in the world I've been whipped

I've been fucking beaten but like those 18 months I can't even bear to talk about them just because it's you lose your fucking mind oh man I I think it's I think't even bear to talk about them just because it's you lose your fucking mind oh man

aye I think it's I think it's fair to say with my Xbox and my Irish neighbours similar situation you draw parallels you draw parallels

to Pat Me On I do I really aye aye well Daniel I'm speaking on behalf of everyone here

I think you're very brave thanks man Daniel, I'm speaking on behalf of everyone here. I think you're very brave. Thanks, man. So how do you think you're going to cope with the next nine days? Going to be all right? Well, so here's... I'm not... It's genuinely been all right so far because the really nice thing about it is

I've got the fucking balcony and that is a genuine game changer. Like, being able to get fresh air, being able to have, like, a social, like, drink with Mick and Mike, and, like, have a bit of normalcy. Like, I phone Cara when I wake up. She phones me when I wake up. Nick Cody regularly fucking checks in on me.

I spoke to Milo last night. Fucking, like, people I've not spoken to in a while, I'm just like I've said to a bunch of folks, mate just call me I'm more than happy to have fucking phone conversations at this point, so it's really it's nice to sort of break up the day with even if it's just a 20 minute half an hour conversation

with, you know, which I wouldn't normally do in the UK, so sometimes it feels a bit more yeah, you get to touch base with people that's nice yeah because do you miss batter and colin i think i'm like um cara sent me the videos of her doing it Does she set up the phone and balance it on, like, you know, just put it on the next, so you kind of see it, just next to the projector or something like that. Right, right. And then he's just sat there.

And she kisses him out of the room. She's like, oh, Colin, dinner's ready. And then he comes out and fucking mallets her to the head. Right. I just put, like, a fiver on, like, a fishing rod. And just put it over the stairs and just reels him in with a fiver and just fucking lumps him. It just reels him in with a five-pack and just fucking lumps him.

That was a good thought. Next question. Everyone I've spoken to who's done quarantine always says that there's a different day that's the hardest, right? So Tom Ballard said day 10's the hardest because you've been in there fucking 10 days and there's still 4 days left

and that's difficult whereas Cal was like day 5 is the hardest because you've done fucking 5 days and there's still 9 to go and then Mick and Mike were like everything after day 7 is a piece of piss because it's a countdown

you've broke the back of it yeah I think that was a workout. If you're over halfway, then it seems to be every single station you do, you're closer towards the finish line rather than further away from the start. The second you get beyond halfway, you know you're capable of doing that distance

of wherever it is because you've literally done it. So it's feasible. get beyond halfway you know you're capable of doing that distance or whatever it is because you've literally done it so it's feasible so i'm not i'm i'm not sure when it's gonna get difficult i'm fucking sure it will uh at some point but for the time being man it's just like it's so normal here like on the but like literally it's hard to be worried because if the motivation if i'm ever like oh my god why am I doing this go out in the balcony and just look at people

living their life just see their normal life yeah that's gotta be like yeah wait for the drop like you're just fucking the build up it's like the light at the end

of the tunnel is glaring yeah and it's not like the light of the tunnel in the UK where it's like oh pubs might be open in fucking May at some point like parts of Australia have now

opened up to a hundred percent capacity in theatres nice are your gigs going to be full capacity? are you trying to slam me here? just because I saw a couple of them were sold out there and I was like, it must be 50%. What, like that time that I sold out the palladium twice in a day? Half full, I want it half full. Because it was half full.

Right. Right. I've got a couple of your dad jokes. alright right right I've got a couple of your dad jokes I fucking you know what

I nearly fucked it this morning I've only got four because I clocks went forward and I I've got to do a bad thing

but they've got to stop that man I haven't I haven't they've got to stop that they've got to stop putting the clock forward look it's not fucking

it's not the 1600s we're not Alfomas it's not like we've got to stop that they've got to stop putting the clock forward look it's not fucking it's not the 1600s we're not Alf Farmer's it's not like we've got electricity if we need light look just meet halfway change the half

and we have one year and then just go out and read quits just fucking bin it like even farmers farmers are even like fucking who gives a shit

we'll work it out it makes no sense so anyway your dad sucks his toes before he bites his toenails because it makes them softer it takes for a while I reckon feasibly

that's a good I want to know that he doesn't want to watch a movie he gets one episode of Last Chance you win he does all those at once. All ten. Your dad had plastic surgery to make his belly button outie.

Aye, aye, it got my mum. It was their idea. Your dad doesn't believe in New Zealand. Well, he doesn't believe it exists, so he just doesn't believe he exists or he just doesn't believe like he's got no hope for them both both like whatever people like

have you seen what Jekinda Garden Harden she's done she's not real it's fucking it's CGI

by those libtards trying to think of this perfect socialist state somewhere else doesn't exist utopian nonsense drivel your dad has denim curtains

that zip up in the middle in his room he's got a button at the top and I've got pockets and when he zips it in the morning he pretends he's got a suck on cock doesn't pretend he does that's what light is When he's upset in the morning, he pretends he's got a suck-on cock.

Doesn't pretend, he does. That's what light is. Your dad skateboards and crocs and he invented a trick called the kick flip-flop. Your dad motorboated your gran every time he breastfed. Your dad brings a sock puppet to marriage counselling to do impressions of your mum for the therapist. Your dad snores when he's awake. Only when you're talking. Your dad calls moths Tory butterflies

that's great you know you know them jelly aliens that you put back to back and there was a room I liked

if you put them back to back they'd have a baby that room I started because it worked once in the 60s and that's your dad the baby That room I started because it worked once in the 60s and that's your dad. The baby.

That's a wrap. Let people know, thank you, if you're already a patron and the schedule has got to be, you get the podcast on Monday. This one, you're listening to it. You had this on Monday, early access. Everybody else gets it Wednesday hi everybody else

and if you sign up everybody else you get a flashback clip on a Wednesday and you get a bonus clip on a Thursday a bonus thing on a Thursday

an exclusive which this week is going to be a podcast you did with Ryan Cullen before you left that's going to be the bonus aye

it's actually it's actually a really good one because me and Cullen put it off for fucking so long just because like we lived together and was just like

what the fuck are we going to talk about in the podcast and then then we went on and we just we had a fucking proper I forgot

I forgot that Cullen's actually funny when you're not kicking his head when you let him speak when you let him up for breath when he isn't bleeding from the mouth when you give him when you let him speak when you let him up for breath when he isn't

bleeding from the mouth when you give him when you give when you give him enough time to regrow his teeth you know every three or four

fucking minutes also I I'm in contact with Cam James as well so there will be

an episode of Two Woke Cucks. When I'm out of quarantine, I don't want to do Two Woke Cucks. You want to do it face-to-face? I want to do it face-to-face while I'm in my eye. Just so we can taste each other's cum. I've got a date with Mark Nelson on Wednesday to get one in the can.

So that's scheduled now. So, yes, patrons, thank you first and foremost for subscribing. Second most. Wednesday, flashback. Thursday you get your new episode. And I'll see. Stay on the Zoom, Danny,

because I'm going to chat here. And I'll see you next week when I'm more insane. That's going to be good to the progress report. Right, Muggins out.