Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.14 Flashmobs and Fleshlights

Episode Date: April 7, 2021

Muggins builds a pillow fort to discuss why Cream has giving up on meditation. Celebrities send sex toys to help with quarantine and their agent has a wonderful idea that could possibly have broken Daniel

Hello and welcome to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the road. I am still in quarantine in Australia, day 11. Kai has come in to check in on my mental health and thankfully it's doing okay because, well, I mean, I'll be honest with you, I've had two bottles of wine today and things are going quite well for me emotionally. Despite this morning, when my agent decided to do something nice for me, which we talk about on the podcast, we also talk about

one of my many celebrity friends buying me a sex toy, and then... Oh, we also... I think we argued about spirituality for a bit, but it didn't really go well. Anyway, fucking enjoy it. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. road muggins and cream cream and muggins straight thuggin living the dream

that's our intro fucking muggles tickling the clit inside your head to make you laugh they said it can't be done are we in the same seats that's hack oh muggles accidental rip job in the park kiss kiss kiss or might just be cynical just muggled it Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Alright, Daniel, how are you? I am alright. Day 11.

You're doing that right. You made me watch the film Moon on the last podcast because we were sucking off Sam Rockwell we're taking turns fighting over his cock you made us watch the film Moon and I was like you shouldn't watch that in quarantine no

I've thought what to do and I haven't I haven't re-watched it yet but I did I recommended you yesterday I was like maybe I should fucking watch it and then I I did think, I was like, oh, no, no, remember what it's about, man. Like, that's not... It's so good. It'd be like watching Lost

on an airplane. Like, it's just, like, don't do it to yourself. Alive. The film Alive. Alive. Yeah. We had to watch fucking Alive. Did you ever get, like, PSE class? Like, physical and social education. So it was like social studies and just like talking about the world and shit.

Hold on. So PE is physical education. But in your school they had physical and social education. Well, we also had... Yeah, but the physical stuff was like... That was your puberty class. You work out well getting to know each other. No, there was also a PE class. But you work out well getting to know each other no there was also a pe

class but then there's a pse class which is about like your body's going to go through changes and also hear stuff that happens in the real world and blah blah blah like it was a one a week and it was a fucking skive right and the reason we knew it was a sky because like whenever the team whenever the teacher fucking rolled in the tv was one of the greatest days in class. You were like, this is fucking excellent. This is so good. So it was sex ed? Aye. It was like about your life. It was, you know,

I think in America it's called like social shite. I don't fucking know, man. But most of the time we didn't fucking It was when they spoke to me about, here's all the drugs that you're going to be offered when you're older and why shouldn't we do drugs and here's a lesson on alcoholism, and here's a lesson on fucking drunk driving, and, you know, like a moral class kind of.

Natalie told me about one of her early lessons before. She was talking about the Sweet Valley High books, and she was reading Sweet Valley Twins, which is when they were younger. What, they weren't twins when they were older no no no one of them got older and let me let me tell you how i know this because one of them got a period before the other one and i think it was elizabeth got a period and jessica i was furious because she always does everything first she's the one that's like she takes more risk she grows up quicker i don't know right I don't know, right?

I don't read it, right? But Natalie read at eight years old about one of these twins coming out of a period and the other one being furious about it. The book ends where the other one gets a period. Natalie didn't know what a period was. She just thought it was a class, so she was dead confused because she was like,

well, if it's a school lesson, why is one of them getting a period before the other? So she knew there was something up. She knew that there was something up. She marched into her dad's study where her dad was reading

and her mom was just like knitting or something, right? And marched past her mom up to her dad because he knows about books. He's the book guy, right? She marches past her mom and goes,

Dad, what's a period? Mom, mom, keep out of this shit. This is a dad question. Dad. With all the confidence Mam, mam, keep out of this shit. This is a dad question. Dad.

With all the confidence and innocence of someone that doesn't know what she's asking, right? Dad, what's the period? They're both awkward as fuck. They're fumbling, I don't know. And Natalie's mam sat her down two days later and gave her this valuable lesson in life. When a woman gets older, the blood has to leave her boobs to make room for milk.

It comes out from between her legs. That was a quick fix. Those are manly high schools. Not up to scratch. Man, the Arabic sex ed is not. those Omani high schools are not up to scratch. Nah. Man, the Arabic sex ed is not. It's a real fumble of a class. How was that better?

Where did you go? So I just got bored. I get very uncomfortable whenever we talk about periods and stuff. Especially Natalie's. I just think girls are gross and anything about them

should just be learned by them. There's no point in me knowing what happens to their bodies. Can't all just tell our daughters at some point. Sorry, I cut off there. I've just fumbled with my mic mic I think I had it on too low

I'm trying to fix I'm trying to fix this Danny right this is new terrain for us to do podcasts like this remotely right and well

and to a point where people will subscribe and do it right it was Harry when it was just a freebie now we've got a certain like we've got a certain

like obligation of care as you can see because we're on a zoom call do you like my bass well your room's fucking haunted to be fair aye I've took all obligation of care. As you can see, because we're on a Zoom call, do you like my base? Well, your room's fucking haunted, to be fair. Aye, I've took all of Natalie's burkas and I've hung them up around the room.

I've made a base. I was going to say, it does look like you've managed to just, like, this is the one room Natalie's not allowed into and that's why you've got your Klu Klux Klan sheets hanging out. So, I have made a made a mate i've took every duvet every cushion in the house and i've built a fort and i posted a picture of it on um a video of it on instagram just there just letting everyone know i'm making an effort to fix the

the problem with the sound from last um the last podcast and um and somebody pointed out amy lewis pointed out that mate you do realize you do realise you've just made a base so that you can have a chat to your best friend. So that's just that one. We're just having a little meeting in the fort. It's the He-Man woman here, that's. No girls, no cooties. Boys win, girls in the bin.

I'm going to also have a duty of care not to brush over your jokes. You just said no cooties, no Irish. In your boys club, no girls, no cooties, no Irish. No dogs, no Irish. Tickled. So 11 days of quarantine. Are you? Oh, tickled. So, 11 days of quarantine. Are you... Oh my god, I'm driving myself insane.

This is the fucking worst. Are you... Ah, it's just three days new. I've done the heavy lifting. I like that one. Like, it's just... I just... I think...

I'm so good at being a lazy bastard like I really have perfected it over the fucking years so that first week when I was like fucking waking up and doing all this stuff that was good for me like I was like that's good that's kept me in a fucking good mood that's kept me in a good fucking headspace

and then I stopped doing that and then I was just like I'm still in the same headspace like I'm still like it doesn't change 6 o'clock in the afternoon. Doesn't matter how good my fucking workout was. Doesn't matter how long I fucking meditate for. Doesn't matter how long that cold shower fucking lasts. By six o'clock, I'm just going, I'm bored.

And that happens regardless of my morning routine. Regardless of your routine. So you don't think that, like, but that's a, it's such a short-term thing, though, isn't it? Like, yeah, you've got to be fine for a few days. If you've been working out and doing meditation and doing all these things Philip

I gave Sam Harris one last fucking chance on the first day of quarantine here and he fucked up 17 minutes in and then deleted off the phone and that's me properly done with him as a human being is that because he made you open your eyes no just more of this

shite that I don't have a head, and that, all this other fucking bollocks, and that just, you know... Guys, everyone listening, Danny, like, this is to the listeners, Danny, you just keep up with this, Danny thinks he's got a head, like, FYI, Danny thinks he's got a head, and I haven't had

the heart to tell him, so I got him onto the Sam Harris app, thinking that he'd find it and honestly the fucking the fuss he has kicked up when he has told that he hasn't got a head it's denial it's classic denial I can see it

I can see it on the Zoom call Kai I can see it on the Zoom call no no what you can see Daniel listen you can see your face on a screen you can't see a head you can see you can see a graphic image

if you press the power button that disappears where's your head oh I mean it's there it's there it's what I'm thinking also this

this idea it's such a dumb thing if I can't say it it's not there it's peekaboo it's just peekaboo aye and he's made to be a fucking

moral fucking philosopher and he's like oh well I mean you can't say it I'm like why am I doing fucking standard grade philosophy while I'm trying to fucking calm down and then also just i know we've gone through this a thousand times but when he's like okay so when when you have a thought

point to where it comes from and i'm like there and he's like it's nowhere isn't it and i'm like no it's there like that's where i know exactly where my thoughts are. If you were to put electrodes onto my fucking brain, I could show you specifically which part of my brain thoughts come from. It is inside of my head. Uh-huh, but that, no, inside your head is the screen that you're watching on, right? Like, the whole fucking thing is, like,

like, I think what it's trying to say is, like, everything that you see and hear and smell and things from outside of your head are actually getting projected inside of your head. So everything out there is actually also in there. I think we've been through this before, haven't we? I think we've been through this before. I hate to cover old ground, but, like, when I look outside the there, through the little gap in my cushions in the fort that I've built, I see a fence. And yes, the fence is outside, but

the thing that the light is reflecting off and shining at, which is the matter that is the fence, is outside. But that image of the fence that I am creating is completely in my head, so everything outside of my head is actually inside of my head

bollocks all fucking cut wang in a bath with your trousers off masturbating directly into your own mouth that's sounding your own voice that's all that fucking is you've bought into the fucking sam harris lie and the pair of you are just in a fucking bath with your legs on the ceiling, wanking directly into your own mouth. Why not? Oh yeah. I bet that felt fucking class to say it. I bet you hope it gets fucking clipped and people go, oh yeah, it's so profound. It's fucking horseshit.

It's what you fucking see. I see things. It goes into your brain. You're not creating any image. That's there. It suits your narcissism. You think you are just the person in that's there it actually suits it suits your narcissism you think you are just the person in the middle of it all but you are everything you are everything around you your interpretation of the world is unique to you and like if you put if you put your consciousness in my body and you got the way i translate the lights and the sounds and the

smells in directions you'd be you'd probably be nauseous you'd probably be like what the fuck is this world that i'm living in so everything around you and you know this because i perceive the world so different to you your observations are different to mine like like your directional ability the minute you were put in my operating system we don't we don't observe it differently we We react to it differently. The world is exactly... This is like the people who say, oh my god, it's so weird. Whiskey must taste like this for me, but it must taste

this for you. No, it doesn't. Fucking berries taste the same to fucking everyone. The experience isn't different. It's how you react to it that's different. You're clearly having a different experience with food than I am. If you got to experience life through my lens, you wouldn't be fucking such a fanny about food like so it's hard it's hard for me to say it from your point of view that's history that's that's it's got nothing

in every yeah upbringing history in all of that stuff take you to this experience that you're having in life whether it's your nature or your nature or what you get to this experience that you're having and your experience is so vastly different to mine even though we're actually two similar humans as far as the spectrum of humans go we're still similar but like my world would be so alien to yours so everything that you take in and everything that you perceive is yours no if i was in your body i just have fucking longer legs and abs that would be the fucking only fucking difference. Like, we experience the exact same world. We react

to it differently because of the experience we've had in the past. Our personalities are different. That's what makes how we react to the world different. It's got fuck all to do with how we perceive it. We're not living different lives. For one, your sight would be different immediately. That's just a basic one that we can quantify.

That's so quantifiable sight. Completely different. I'm going to go and get laser eye surgery. Go back to me. Next step. To the point that you need eye, you need eye. But that's not you, though. You've got to keep having surgery and fucking stuff until you're just you again. What I'm saying is my experience is different.

I'll just get my eyes fixed. I didn't say keep. I'm not going to fix your fucking nose or your earlobes but i'm gonna fix me fucking eyesight it's all fucking bollocks so just like just say just say head on just say head on well what about what about if um what about your experience compared to somebody who's homosexual if you go into their experience all of a sudden you're attracted to men in a way that you never used to be when you were you. But I, not the world, still the same. I just like cock now. That's another thing that's quantifiable. It's like your body

and chemistry. But it's not a different world. It's the same world. I just have different likes. It's the exact same fucking world. We exist fundamentally in the same hotel room. I've just got different opinions. That's all that's changed. Ah, your opinions? I think that your

interpretation reflects your opinions. If you interpret something a different way to somebody else, then your opinion's different, so your interpretation is who you are. So your consciousness is unique to you? Well, okay, obviously.

Obviously. Obviously. That's not... Okay, yeah, obviously. Obviously. That's not... Okay. So, you give up on meditation? 100%. I'm fucking fully done with it. The Netflix ones are good.

The Headspace ones on Netflix. If you just fancy somebody that's like... He's a bit more like... The off-putting one about that is he keeps banging on about when he was a monk and I can think of it as, were you really a monk or were you just a cunt on a gap year? Which? Aye. Do you just kind of be a monk and then come back

and just fucking fit back into the rat race, did you? I got a fucking netbook special, did you? In his actual monk suit there, he was a bit of a fucking chancer, a little bit of a in and out. Took what he needed, Got back to it. Just fucking got straight eyes.

Started climbing the corporate ladder. I got on Netflix. I just figured there are a thousand other ways to meditate, Drew. Because all meditation is, is being present. Right? That's all it is. Now you don't have to sit and do fuck all to be present. You can be present while you wash your hands. You can be present while you cook fucking dinner

you can be present while you read a book your book reading, your knitting aye, knitting, there's so many other fucking ways and for me the worst way to be present is to have some fucking wanker whisper lies into my ears aye, that's fair and I mean, that's what this podcast is

for people aye, well is that being present, because this is escapism That's fair. And I mean, that's what this podcast is for people. Is that being present? Because this is escapism, surely. That's not them being present in the world. I think more often than not, we're ambient. We're ambient while they're doing something else. Nobody is just sat listening to this podcast. And if you are, let me talk to you directly. Are you just sat there, hands on your lap listening to this podcast, you fucking psychopath. Nothing else going on.

Like nothing going on. You're not doing dishes, you're not working. I'm literally just staring at a wall. Absolutely Bella. For me, it's got to be fucking background noise. I can't imagine just listening to a podcast. Some people just go, like,

I was talking to fucking Scribius Pip the other day, and he says he just goes on walks for hours so he can listen to podcasts. I don't know, man. I think that would... Well, first of all, I'm not fucking walking that long. Fuck that for a laugh. Yeah, Natalie did that with when she lost her walk to work.

She wasn't able to listen to the podcasts anymore because that was when she listened to them. So she started doing it when we were in London. When it wasn't hostile terrain outside. She used to just go for a walk just so she could listen to them. So I walk in one. I do it

quite... Well, my problem is I'm on the fourth Brandon Sanderson Stormlight Saga book right? now he wrote the Mistborn series which I absolutely fucking loved and he closed the Wheel of Time books and he closed the Wheel of Time books which I also fucking loved

and like the first two of this series were fucking great I was so into it and then somebody pointed out that he's a big, dirty Mormon. Or a Jehovah's Witness, one of the fucking two. Anyway, he's some form

of idiot. And then you discriminate him. Oh, no, no, no. No, no, because originally when they told me that, I was like, well, I don't really give a shit that he's religious. That's fine, that's cool that he fucking wrote two or three of my favourite books. I think that's class. And they were like, yeah, I mean, I don't really give a shit that he's religious. Like, that's fine. That's cool that he fucking wrote like two or three of my favorite books. I think that's class. And they were like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's why there's so much Christian symbolism in his books. And I was like, hey, what like, what Christian symbolism? And then they pointed out seven fucking examples. And now I cannot finish the last book because I'm just reading the fucking, I'm just reading the Bible. I fucking gaslit myself into reading the fucking I'm just reading the Bible. I've fucking gaslit myself into reading the fucking Bible. Every single chapter now I'm like oh my god

this character is Jesus. Oh that's fucking Mary. Oh God. This has happened to you before? This has happened to you before when you didn't realise Creed was Christian Rock? Ah man. You thought they were absolute bangers? They always fucking say, like, it's the

devil, right? It's the devil that creeps his way into your life. I tell you what, it's that fucking God, man. He's fucking desperate. I can't. I had a coked up business idea last night while not on coke. I paused to look something up.

I paused a movie to look something up, right? You're not the Bible. The Bible is not copyright. You could copy and paste the Bible and sell the Bible, and nobody would be able to sue you because it's not copyright. Right. So that means we, I mean mean I shouldn't put this out there because we could make a hell of a lot of money.

Mate, we're going to release the fucking Bible and we're going to go through and put swear words in it. From beginning to end we're going to go through the Bible and just fucking just pepper it with swear words and sell the fucking Bible as a coffee table because he could pick it up open it on any page and if it's got fucking pussy and shit

and cunt and all that in it, people will read passages out of it. Who would not want a fucking Bible on their coffee table? Oh, what's that? It's the fucking Bible? And then you open it up, and it's fucking... You can just fucking twist it,

and you can turn it into fan fiction. Well, I mean, this is a joke that's not going to work on the podcast but it'll work on Zoom this is my answer to your idea alright you just give me the thumbs up you just give me the two thumbs up no you don't get to

gaslight the listeners I voiced my chair around like they do in The Voice you spun your chair like The Voice I'm a TV show I've never watched but I get the fucking reference Now, I want we were texting about this last night

can I bring it up on the podcast? I can bring it up on the podcast I already have Allow me to bring it up on the podcast because it needs to be prefaced with a bunch of things Brought to you by the lady who bought water weights for Daniel So before any more line of story Prefaced with a bunch of things. Brought to you by the lady who bought water weights for Daniel. It comes... So before any Marlena story,

we must preface every single Marlena story with a reminder that we would not have the lives that we have without this woman. She is a remarkable agent who regularly goes above and beyond the call of duty for her fucking clients. Her heart is always in the right place. Her brain is not always in the right place. We love her fucking client. Her heart is always in the right place. Her brain is not

always in the right place. We love her dearly. We love her dearly and most importantly, we should be nicer to her than we are. But she just embarrasses me sometimes. Mom! Mom!

You embarrass me in front of my friends. So, this morning morning I get a panicked bunch of messages from Jean just going Marlena's got in contact with me oh god I don't know if I can tell you

but I feel like I have to tell you this I'm going to phone you and then she phones me and turns out Marlena who as we will learn from this story despite our 13 years of working together marlena has never met me once in her life um i could have sworn that we'd had a bunch of meetings together i could have sworn we went on tour together at one point uh she's never picked up enough information about you to read the room. No. Nor your audience. Every day during quarantine,

on day two, I went out of a balcony and I filmed out in Hyde Park across the road and I was like, every day at 2pm I'll stand out here and if anyone's there to wave to me, I'll fucking wave back. And that's cool. People are coming with banners and stuff saying you're a Scottish prick. And I really didn't expect anyone to fucking turn up. Now immediately, as with most things I do, I loved it for about three days and then I was like, and I really didn't expect anyone to fucking turn up now immediately immediately

as with most things I do I loved it for about three days and then I was like it's fucking two o'clock I've got to go fucking and not because

I don't appreciate it but there's only so much you can do man like you wave and then what I can't talk to them there's no fucking I'm not yelling

like I'm just I wave and then they wave also Also, what you don't want is to just let it slip. And some putter punters took time with their day. They've took their lunch break late. They've, like, done something to cheer you up and then you, like, do nothing for it.

Because you're like, ah, that moment's passed now. So you get out of your moment and then you're like, ah, this is probably underwhelming for you now. Because I can just wave. Aye. Just wave. And then they do dances and then I'll do dances back and probably underwhelming for you now because I can just wave aye just wave and then they do dances and then I'll do dances back and I fucking hate dancing

so I'm like that was fun for about three days but still did it it's going along but I will say this it genuinely fucking it was a nice wee break

during the day to go in there fucking hell I'd always have a cider you can see it actually picked you up it picked you up aye

and also man my fucking Irish neighbour has got a massive kick out of it every day they'd be like look there's more cats for you and I was like

oh Marlena Jean phones me up this morning and she goes I don't know what to do like Marlena

has come up with an idea but you're gonna hate it beyond and I don't know what to do she is trying to organize you know what i can tell this story because i've already spoken to marlena about this like i brought

it up with her i'm fucking great hi hi marlena if you're listening we love you hi let's oh right man it's a good job you're messing with Gene Because I would have encouraged it I don't know This is a fucking awesome idea This is from Marlena to Gene Hi, wondered if I could run an idea past you For his final quarantine day on Wednesday

I'd love to see if we can surprise him And get a flash mob Out on the grass At 2pm. I will repeat that for the listeners in the back. This is my agent who has managed me for 13 fucking years, right? Maybe we can surprise him. One, I fucking hate surprises.

I hate them. I hate them. I have anxiety. They put me on fucking edge. I'm a control freak. I don't like surprises. You need to be in control. Aye.

Can we surprise them and get a flash mob out in the grass at 2pm? Perhaps start with you and a few fans, and then have more and more people pour in. In an ideal world, Kai, listen. In an ideal world, a few bagpipes. If not, a highland marching band, since all their events are cancelled. Even some cheerleaders doing

their shtick. Really going nuts with it. Imagine these poor cunts getting roped into this. And just seeing the rage on my face from a fucking balcony as I cringe into a bowl.

You're like, I'm not coming out. What would they do? What would they do, right? So, hold on. Let's play this out, right? So, you get the jazz band. He's twiddling his sticks. You've got your bagpipes because he's Scottish.

You've got your guy with the taunt hat on. What's the one thing you miss most about Scotland, Daniel? Is it your fiancé? Is it your family? Your architecture? Is it your cats? The countryside? Is it your house? That's the fucking bagpipes, mate. That's the one thing. I've not honestly... It's been 13 days and not once

have I thought about Cara's tits. Only the fucking noise. And we'll throw haggis at him. We'll throw haggis at him. We'll sing Donald Wears Your Truesers. You can't shove your granny off the bus. All the classics. So, you come out. There's the marching band.

There's the big elephant reveal. There's the people doing backflips. There's the people twirling ribbons. Oh, not only are there people doing backflips, I'm doing a fucking backflip off the 16th floor. All Marlena would have done there is successfully gathered a hundred people to watch me fucking kill myself and by the way cara would fully understand like if you were to go back and be like danny jumped off a building she'd be like oh my god what how did what is this he's never showed signs of depression or self-harm before.

It's a flash mob. Oh, yeah, well, okay, fair enough. That's fair enough. That makes absolute sense. I understand that would upset him because I've known him for more than three fucking hours. Imagine, like, you don't want to reach the crescendo

because there's often, I hate that as well, when you're like when you're people will be holding up camera phones and you're forced to reaction you have to react because you're like I don't want to look ungrateful for this but you're really super ungrateful for it so you'd have to have

you'd have to have a little like little pursed mouth going ooh cool I don't know as well also that Pete Holmes thing of like you don't know how to react to magic

because with a joke you laugh but with magic there's no reaction like magic you'd just be like I can't flash mob oh

man I honestly would have preferred like instead of spending all the fucking money to organise all the fucking money to organize all the nerds in sydney every available fucking nerd like that's all she was looking for she's

like okay can we can we find the cheerleaders can we find the band camp can we find the scottish island country dancers all the nerds within the area we all make them sound like daniels fuck i honestly would have preferred... She should have hired a fucking sniper. I would way fucking

prefer a fucking sniper at that point. Shoot me in the fucking head from a mile away before you ever fucking put a flash mob in front of me.

A fucking flash mob guy. Your favourite guy. When have I ever... I think I've put them in Muggle Corps twice. That's how much I hate those motherfuckers. Oh, God. Your favourite. When have I ever? I think I've put them in muggle quarters twice. That's how much I hate those motherfuckers. I think you have.

Oh, mate. Man, honestly, like, I was so stressed this morning, right? Beyond fucking stressed. God bless Gene. Because Gene would have agonised over not wanting to upset Marlena and hurt her feelings, but also, I've got to stop this. I've got to put myself in between this. God, yeah. She had to, because she was like,

this will upset Daniel so fucking much that I don't think it will take him weeks to recover. Like, he's just coming out of a quarantine, but he'll be going into a further three-week emotional quarantine as he shuts off for the world because some viral

video now exists of him watching the thing he hates most in the fucking world. While utterly disrespecting the craft of the people doing it. Man, oh. Like, God bless her. Like, it was clearly...

It's the best place. She saw me enjoying the company of five people across the road and she made, in her head, which was the next logical step, well, if we get ten times more people, you'll be ten times more happy. So, and then, you know,

with fucking, you know, cheerleading and bands, his two favourite things, the man who famously loves gymnastics and music. Yeah, she wanted to make a fuss of you. She wanted to make a fuss of you. But it's such a strange relationship. I've always said you're like

you've got a rest of development in your teenage phase because she picked you up when you were a teenager and you're in your 30s now but you're still, the pair of you haven't snapped out of it, and not just you being a moody teenager but her trying to smother you it's like

it's a two way street and yeah I don't and like i like i so i she phoned she phoned this morning right uh because we're just going through some fucking last minute book uh edits right and we're butting heads on it now me and marlena often fucking butt heads about a lot of things but because our relationship has gone on for fucking 13 years like there's very very very rarely is there any fucking love lost between it like we can speak very up front to each other and

you know and she does allow me to fucking just truly be myself and go fuck this fuck that like be the you know I get all my cunt or at least I feel like I get all my cuntiness out you know around her so that way I'm not a shit to other people, right?

But, so she goes up She has a punch bag for you, like you do take a deal with us sometimes You need to change how you act as well Oh yes, definitely, I've managed that's one of the reasons I went into therapy was to improve my relationship with Marlena

and, you know, the way I fucking treated her on the fucking tour, but that's a separate story entirely. Right? I phoned up. We're laughing about the fucking stuff this morning. And she's just going, can I ask you a couple of questions about the book? I'm like, of course you can.

She asked me a couple of questions. We're laughing away. And I go, can I ask you a question? She goes, yeah. And I went, a fucking flash mob. Can I? Can I? Marlena, Marlena, can you just do something for my mental health here

because i'm pretty sure i'm pretty sure we've met before but the fact that you were about to order me a flash mob suggests that we've never met in my fucking life and i need to know if i have fight clubbed my career up until now like do you actually exist or do i just put on a fucking blonde wig black leather trousers and pretend to be an austrian woman and then nail my career because clearly we've never actually met because someone who has met me was never in their fucking life suggest getting me a fucking flat i love that that's an ario molly and i was your taylor dudeden that's like on Big Mouth the fucking Jim Instructors fucking

hormone monster your Tyler Durden is Marlena oh god so like so G was like please don't mention this on the podcast I'm like I can't not mention it on the podcast because first of all I know Marlena listens to it and I know she fucking gets a laugh out of

these things and also she does need to be crucified for this horrific fucking suggestion. She's becoming such a funny character on the podcast, just an enigmatic background character that everybody knows of because of the water weight and because of the flashback.

She always asks me to write a sitcom for her but I don't have the heart to tell her that the best sitcom I can write would be about her once she's dead oh yes like when I'm 30 she's not going to die before then when I'm 35 that's 5 years away that was cold blooded

all the shit that was said about, now this is the bit I'm going to edit out, you bastard. You're in your 30s now. Start with a different decade, you heartless cunt. Sorry. In my head, I'm still 22.

I'm still 22, don't tell Cara. That's good, you know. I've been reading New Scientist and I've been reading an article every day as part of my something every day that I had. And there was an article about your perceived age is actually key to longevity.

To get more years out of your life and more life out of your years, perceive yourself as younger. Have an active sex life. I would say yes to social occasions. like don't just start being what you expect old to be I've got, speaking of active sex life, because I'm obviously in quarantine

Calped bought me a sex toy I didn't know what that was because you were like, it's a butt plug and I'm like, mate, that's not a beginner's butt you were like, it's a butt plug. And I'm like, that's not a beginner's butt plug, like, if that's a butt plug. That's like, hang on, you need about, like, 50 butt plugs building up to that butt plug. It's like, yeah, like if you get an Xpander earring, you wouldn't just start with one, like, the size of Elliot Steele's nostril. So, was it a fleshlight? Kind of, right?

So, Cal is in quarantine in Canada because he's filming something. And so, he's going through the... I know Cal Penn is famous and the majority of people listening know who he is. But for reference to anybody that doesn't know, Harold and Kumar get the munchies. And, yeah, so he's Kumar. He's also, I can't remember the name of his character, in House he's a designated survivor. He's in loads of stuff.

And he's also... And then he diversified his portfolio into being a writer for Barack Obama for his speeches. Oh, yeah. He won a diverse career. Mind. Mind. He's now doing voice acting stuff.

Comedically, he's fucking very, very funny, but he's also a very, very good serious actor. And I'm very, very lucky to get to call him my friend. So we've had, you know, a night or two where we've just FaceTimed each other mid-fucking quarantine, just talking about how fucking boring it is and how different canadian quarantine is to australian quarantine

and then uh the other day like he messaged me he's going what what hotel are you staying in sorry down he goes i'm gonna do it i'm gonna send you something and i'm like okay and now he's in canada so i'm expecting this thing to arrive like two fucking days later. I shit you fucking not, seven hours later, there's a fucking knock at the door, right? And it comes in this, like, foil bag, and it's

sealed, and I open it up, and it's this, I mean, I don't know if people saw it, but it's like a red cup thing, and it's like a, yeah, it's essentially like a fucking cheapo flashlight. So you rip off the top, and then there's like a silicone hole, and it comes with lube, and you've got to do that. Now, when that arrives, I have quite strong feelings about flashlights.

I've never wanted to use a fleshlight just because I don't... I don't want wanking to feel like sex. Like, I don't want to blur the fucking line between the two things for me. Like, I want wanking to feel like wanking, right? It's something you do when you're hungover. It's something you do when you're fucking alone. It's just...

It's a fucking monkey reaction to get an endorphin losing your head. And then sex is class and it's with the person you fucking love. I don't want to wank with something that you know, blurs the... I don't want it to feel similar. You don't want some fucking Wallace

and Gromit style machine that fucking just does all the action for you. I don't want to be wanking with something and be like, you know what, this actually is better than the woman I love. Never mind. For me, even if you're a sex life's act if you've still got a um you've still got a wank just because there's certain things that like you kind of have in your relationship like other people that's what you've got a wank for a bit of strange i and so like cara cara often she's like why don't you tell me when you're going for a wank?

I'd help, I'd watch. Sometimes they're not happy or sexy, man. I'm just having a wank. It just exists. I need to have one. I'm hungover. If I keep it secret, that's not for Natalie, that's for me. She might give a fuck. She might give a fuck.

I went to a TikTok dance last night. Oh, yes. So you're not giving a fuck. I went to a TikTok dance last night. Oh, God. So you went to Ben's shop and I was like, you know what, I haven't had a wank in ages. I'm going to fucking... But how did you get on TikTok? Like, were you just on TikTok?

I sent you the video. Don't. Are we there as friends? I sent them to Cannes. Is it a TikTok porn channel on a program? It's this bus set where the girls are like fully dressed and they'll just be like dancing to the song

and then the song kicks in or changes actually, it changes to a different one and they do like a slut drop and they'll be like, we're not on. So they'll go in for like fully dressed dancing and just boom, all the clothes are gone

and there'll be like 20 second snap videos and somebody sent us a... I can't believe that's how fucking TikTok sucked you in. Somebody sent us a... Everyone thought it would be Chaps Comedy. I didn't join TikTok to see it. Someone sent us a video. I'm in a fucking WhatsApp group with squaddies and the majority of stuff that gets sent in there is debauched.

I'm scared to open it. But one of the times I did open it, it was like a two-minute video of TikTok dancers where I ended up with no one on. I was like, I'm on my own. I'm having it. Cheers, boys. So, this cup arrived.

And I'm like, I'm good. I don't want to fucking use it. I tell Cara about it. Cara's like, please. I'm fascinated to find out whether you enjoy it or whether it's good and maybe we can incorporate it.adda yadda yadda and I'm like nah nah

and then it just stares at you it's got a profound ability to stare at you for two days like I'm just like you're sitting there I'm having a wank and it's just there it's got a pssst function pssst come on man like I genuinely must have had about five wanks It's got a psst function. Psst. Come on, man.

I genuinely must have had about five wanks within eyesight of it, and it was just being all coy. Come on, don't do me like that. Let me join in. Come on. I'll be fine. I won't tell anyone. You're in quarantine. No one will know. No one will know. Just throw me away.

I'm multiple use, but you can use me one time. I'm sure you've got the same use voice as them cigarettes. That's what the cigarettes said. Now I'm on 20 a day, you couldn't. Oh, it's fucking 24 now that Marlene's trying to organize a fucking flash mob for me.

Flash mob and a flashlight. So I give in. I'm at fucking day 10, 11 of quarantine. Like, there's nothing. There's no lower place to go. Go ahead. Cup was too small.

Cup was too small. I held the cup, and I was like, well, that's the girth of my dick there. So that's not going to... It doesn't just fit in. That's not prime fucking you know. My dick isn't like a fucking

You should have car anchors tiny. Ah well White hips and a wider mouth. Just mate spit on it. Give it a gum shield. Well no. What I realised was that I tried to fucking use it there and it was just very very uncomfortable.

But you can take the cup up, you can take the silicone vagina out of the cup. Now, it's not a vagina, it's just a fucking hole. I think if they'd made it look lifelike that would have made me be too uncomfortable. So, hang on, have we just discovered that you just hadn't

took it out of the packet? No, no, it's meant to stay in the cup. That's the whole fucking point of the thing. That's right. That is. God, imagine that was true.

Just me just ramming it through the... What? Is it meant to chafe the sides, Cal? Is it meant to be real fucking bad? Man, here's the thing. I'll fucking call Roo out for being a dirty bastard.

I posted about it on fucking Instagram and less than 30 seconds later New York Ru messaged me on Instagram being like oh man those things are great you'll love them I'm like oh you dirty bastard and then all these other people like because I genuinely didn't know what it was

when I first saw it and the amount of people in my DMs were like it's a fucking sex toy and I'm like alright as if this makes me look worse than you, you dirty, lonely cunts. I'm sorry, I've never seen a one-use sex toy before in my life. Is it single-use? No, no.

Well, I mean, it is... Unless you've got a dishwasher. The clean-up's not a fucking... Like, that's the bit where I... You've got to... I'll show you. What?

Using it? Daddy! Put your cock away! Oh, God! Don't fuck a cup! Not on Zoom! That's not on Zoom! Stop fucking the cup on Zoom!

Right. There it is. So, that's... Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. I feel like, mate, even though it's on Zoom, I feel like you're pointing a gun at us

because you pointed the hole and I felt like if you're going to squeeze it, I'm getting that. I'm fucking flinching. So... But, like, to... So, like, that's the... You put a little bit there.

I mean, man, look, it's fucking... That does look narrow. Oh, yeah, you're getting that. Yeah. You're getting that the way I hate, man. Everyone's getting that. You're getting that the way I hate. I mean, I'm not going to... I nearly fucking tried there. Forgetting what... Forgetting that, you're going that away ahead, man. You're getting that away ahead. I mean, I'm not gonna, I nearly

fucking tried there, forgetting what to do with it. Forgetting that, you're gonna just climb into a lava lamp. Aye, well, so you've got, like, you can turn it inside out, and it's also looking, so you just wash it, but I mean, that's the... Man, look, every moment after a wank, there's so many fucking jokes

about it, like, you know, once the rush is over, the fucking shame you feel. It's a many fucking jokes about it like once the rush is over the fucking shame you feel it's a different fucking time because normally after a wank you come in a tissue and you can literally just pull your fucking trousers up straight after and move on with your life your dick's covered in lube

because you've just come in a fucking sack and then it's just and then you're left with it, You've got that to clean up. Just leave it if you're in a hotel, man. Leave it for the maid. Put it by the door where you have food. Oh, man, I love that we've both simultaneously

fucking spent my life in Muggle Corner the last week and a half or two weeks or something without even choreographing it. But we've both daily put food posts on. That was accidental simultaneous because I didn't know that's what you were going to be doing. I just started, like, which has to be breakfast. But this is something from my end, right?

I put them on as, like, this is what Instagram's for, aye? This is what your muggles like? Is this what you want, food? Turns out either day, and you get loads of response, and it's dead reactive, and you start feeling good about the food that you made,

and you start taking a bit more care over it, and taking better pictures, and then you're like, oh, this has stopped being ironic now. I'm just the thing I hate. Oh, wait. So what you're telling me is the chefs at my hotel are not watching my Instagram videos

because they've not improved Jack's shit. It kills me how much you kick off with stuff that goes together. Like, what was it? It was sausage and mash and peas. And you were like, peas with sausage and mash? In what world? No, my problem was that the sausages,

like, surely surely for me sausages mash and peas are separate things like why the fuck are the peas just scattered like a fucking garnish

like fucking salt bait on top of these whole sausages are you just there going like why don't you just put them in a blender then

like just put everything together I like me food to be rationed out in portions of the plate because I have full control. I have control over this. The other one that I've

got full disagreement with, meatballs and rice is not the fucking standard, right? It might be fucking common in like fucking, you know, Morocco and other places that I've not been to and fucking tried the cuisine. I tell you what. Spaghetti and meatballs. It's spaghetti and meatballs. That's why meatballs exist. I just don't find it fucking tried the cuisine. I tell you what... Spaghetti and meatballs. It's spaghetti and meatballs.

That's why meatballs exist. I just don't find it noteworthy. I find rice and pasta quite interchangeable as a carb option. And I think with meatballs, you say being rice. Nah, man. If you were to make me fucking rice carbonara,

I would fucking be like, what the fuck is this? I mean, I guess that's just a risotto, but don't call it that. You would be like, but like, the way you are getting meatballs with rice, it's like you're getting a Subway for the first time. And you're like, meatballs with bread! Bread's

not spaghetti! You're just like, just fucking have your Sub, man. That was my reaction to meatballs sub. But then your second reaction was, mmm, mmm, this is nice, I'll order this. And that was my reaction to meatballs but then your second reaction was mmm mmm this is nice

a lot of this and that was my reaction to meatballs and rice it was fucking it was decent but there's just fucking some days where like I feel that they've just been like

okay we're going to give you some fucking nice meals and I'm like can you not can you not gauge it I know your mask which is in food for like fucking 1200 people

in a hotel I get that but can you not like work out what day they're mass producing food for like fucking 1,200 people in a hotel, I get that. But can you not like work out what day they're on and then go, right, he's on day 12, so just send him up a fucking pizza, man. Let's stop pissing around with anything braised. Let's stop fucking

like, he's sad. Just send him up 12 muffins. 12 muffins for each meal. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Just send up muffins constantly. He's on day 13. You know what? It's breakfast on the morning of the 13th day. Just send up a fucking half a bottle of vodka.

Just, I promise you. We've looked through it. We know what diet you need on each one of these days. First week's healthy. And by the end of it, here's a bunch of gummy bears, you lonely bastard. Ah, yeah.

Just, they do seem to be like trying to, trying over hard to make it gourmet. But all they're achieving is airplane food. No, I will say it's definitely a step above airplane food. Some of the meals are...

The pie I had yesterday was fucking exceptional. There's been some really good meals and then there's been some other ones where you just go, oh. I'll tell you what the fucking one good thing is. It's the only time in my life where I've been in Australia and I have not been fucking forced to eggs

for breakfast. It's so refreshing to have an Australian chef who can fathom a breakfast without eggs. And do you think that is because, just random, or do you think it's because Marlena, who we've been giving so much stick to for this whole podcast, has made the fucking hotel's life a misery,

letting them know that you don't like eggs? No, no, because no, no. There's nothing you could do to get them to change it. The only thing you can do to get them to change their meals here is pick vegan or vegetarian. Like, it is. It's across the board, that's the food you fucking get. And also, if she did do that,

I don't know why she'd let them send so many fucking fish dishes. I find that so hilarious that you hate juice with pulp in it to the point that you've done a stand-up routine about it where you got purposefully angry. You done that fucking Rod Gilbert style of pseudo rage. It's something that's actually quite trivial. And Molly and I took that on board as like, oh, he really is that aggressive about Juice with Pulp in it.

So that it would proceed with, like, anywhere we went, she'd get there first and go, oh, my God, don't give him Juice with Pulp in it so that it would it would proceed with like anywhere we went she'd get there first and go oh my god don't give him juice with pulp in it like it's he hates that so like when we first

when we first turned up to um the Adelaide Adelaide Australia trip where we were being looked after by the Tobins and the Tobins

were just like yeah Marlene I was pretty clear not to have pulp in your juice like and we were like oh no oh no

that's getting ahead of us. Where are the divas? You can still have orange juice with pulp out of the fridge. I'll just have water instead. I once mentioned when I was 17 years old to Marlena that I liked green apples and I have never been to a venue with her or not green apples.

Every venue is now an orchard. Again, that's what Marlena is like. She does want to make sure everything's fucking great. It all comes. And most of the time she gets it right-ish. Yeah, part of it is going, oh my god, I'm so embarrassed

that she's making me look like this much of a diva to every single promoter that we'll meet across the globe. And another part of you is like, but if I say nothing, everything's going to be right when I get there. Aye. Well, it's the one thing we always used to fucking laugh about whenever we were on tour and you'd get to the venues

and all the staff would say, be like, oh, your agent can be a real hard ass. And we're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's why we know you've done your fucking job. Like, you know how we're nice to you? That's because we know that she's been fucking annoying you for weeks fucking straight to make sure that this

is fucking perfect. You know how I'm affable and you can get on with me? It's because my agent did her job. Oh, he has a tidbit that you probably know already, but you know when somebody puts on the rider, like, I can't remember who's famous for it, but, like, take the blue M&Ms out. They don't like the blue M&Ms.

All that is for is if, it's usually, like, a musician or something, right? If they come in and the blue M&Ms are taken out, that means they've probably got the correct cables they've probably got the right speakers they've probably got the right like everything that else that's on the rider has been looked at meticulously that isn't them being a diva that's them putting in something to check the attention to detail of the person that's receiving the rider yeah it's actually anytime you hear anytime you hear a member of staff complaining oh my god look at this ridiculous thing in this person this person's rider that person is terrible at their

job that person was like oh they made this ludicrous request i'm not gonna do that oh so you're not gonna do any of the things on the thing you're gonna cut all the corners got you pleasure to play and all them things are paid for also like by the tour it's not like making demands from the venue. Oh, man, do you not fucking remember on our fucking first European tour? When you thought everyone was dead generous. Man,

we were going around being like Europe is class. Every venue we go to, there's a bottle of vodka, there's two bottles of red, there's two bottles of white. They take out for a meal. They've got green apples. Man, I'm like, fucking Europe is the deadest. The end of the airport lane is like, fucking hell, you guys ate and drank a lot of your rider.

And we were like, huh? Like, do you know what I mean? At the time in fucking like Serbia and Slovenia, we would be, like when the staff were going away, we'd be sneaking the bottles of wine into our rucksacks, being like, fucking we'll take it back to the hotel robbing ourselves taking from the me and

giving to me robbing fucking noob like some robbing noob robbing noob and he's merry man we're just oh my god we got all these people and just all these fucking lovely Serbian staff and be like are they nicking their own fucking boobs

or they're whistling while they're leaving with their own stuff you see the financial breakdown afterwards it doesn't mean that you haven't turned a profit. Amazing. That was a standard reset now. We'll have to drink it all. Really?

We're touring again soon, mate. Well, you're touring now. Yours starts on the, what, ninth? I don't know. I don't know. Literally, I've got no idea. I've had the same conversation with Beeps and Gene in the past

fucking week when they're just like when are you, you know what, I'm not even going to ask you because I know you don't know and I'm good. Good, you're both learning. I have no idea what I am at any point in the future. I get told where to go and it's the way I like to live because I've been

checking your live diary because Marlene hasn't updated my diary yet because everything's moving all the time but she's like look anything that goes up on sale

anything that goes up on sale it'll be on Daniel's website and then once that's all settled I'll let you know and you can put that

out in your diary and everything right and I was like right fucking sweet so I check to see when i start which is like may some point in may and then i looked and your adelaide gig isn't back to back with your other adelaide gig your extra show i don't know if you've seen this but your extra show is first all right so I think you've got to come into

the lockdown in Sydney and then go and add later to pop and do your gig and then carry on to wherever you were meant to be

next it was fucking beams that broke that news to me I'd literally posted on fucking Instagram but again I don't

I'm so bad at social media and I'm so bad at nowhere to go Marlena tends me through post this fucking here's the thing. So I post it.

I don't pay any attention to it because again, I wake up in the morning and somebody texts me and they tell me where to go and that's how I live my life. Yeah, it's a way not to go mad, isn't it? I pretty much discovered it on tour

and on the fringe that if you just look at what's just directly in front of you and not at the big picture, looking at the whole thing can make you fucking lose your mind. But just looking at what's next makes you feel like you just live like this.

It's like if you were building a massive wall, just concentrate on each brick. Eventually you'll have a wall. If you look and go, oh my God, this wall's never going to be finished, I've hardly made a fucking dent in it. Aye. Well, because as a man,

we made that mistake with the first tour. Do you not fucking remember on our first ever tour around the UK? Because it was what? It was fucking 55 shows in 60 days and Marlena had obviously printed off that fucking five day spreadsheet and we would literally

tick them off as we went and when we'd done a page we would, sorry environment, sorry Greta Thunberg but we threw them out the window and we were like that's that done. I think that was bad because the whole time we're just looking at how much longer we can go. Five bar gates? It was five bar

gates all the way through it as if it was a sentence and you go, no, no, just enjoy living like this and just take it as what it is. Aye. Yeah, the reason I don't play it is I don't like to know how long it's going to be before I fucking see Kara again. I'd just rather not think about it. I'd rather go day by day

and then, you know, get through shit. Why did you have your fingers crossed when you said that? How could you see behind my back? The mirror! The mirror! Right, your dad. Let's do it. Your dad holds in his farts

and can use his muscles To push it back up through his body And turn it into a burp Because he likes the taste Your dad tried to hatch his easter egg And he cried like he lost a baby When he saw all the melted chocolate running down his leg Your dad rollerblades to work your dad milks melts his cream egg by holding a lighter under the tin foil and injected straight

into his veins that's how he eats his your dad gets bullied at work my dad gets bullied at work for rollerblading in look i'm not saying they're related. I don't want to make any assumptions about his work, mate. I just know two facts. Your dad rollerblades at work and your dad gets bullied at work. The rest is up to you, Columbo.

He's a sole trader. He works for himself. It's just Linda coming in. That's you fucking rollerblading around the block again You fucking loser Your dad calls himself Sesh Jesus Because he disappears on Friday And doesn't come back until Sunday

That and the sandals Your dad had his nipples removed To help him swim faster Your dad left a treasureipples removed to help him swim faster. Your dad left a treasure hunt for your mom on Easter, but he made the clues take as far away from him as possible so he could watch Top Gear in peace. Your dad can't swim. That would have rolled our plates on anyway.

No point in having the nipples removed either what a waste what a waste he thought it was a life hack he thought it was going to work well that's the podcast right I'll fucking no I'll fucking end that there then

right stop