Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.15 Flowers for Blokes

Episode Date: April 14, 2021

Cream escapes captivity and Muggins dials in to hear about freedom, after committing 10-15 minutes of mild treason they tackle the ethics of cannibalism and query why it's not traditional to give flowers to blokes.

Happy Monday patrons, the sun is shining. I know it's a big world and you could be anywhere in it but somewhere the sun is shining and here is some muggins and cream for your ears. Danny's in Australia, he's come out of quarantine. I am in Glasgow and I dialed in and he told us what it's like in a real world where people socialise and venues are full and oh it sounds fucking good and I hate them but it was a nice podcast we were both in good spirits and yeah I hope you enjoy it and anybody that's listening on a Wednesday

I hope you're thinking about joining me and Peter in some time we've got some belt up bonus episodes now you can have a little binge when you join there's an actual fucking back catalogue for you so please come and join my Peter on if you haven't already, if you have already, here you are, early access on a Monday

love you all and thank you very much for keeping us going through. Fucking muggles. Tickling the clit inside your head to make you laugh. They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been

since 9-11? So we're going to start with a two minute silence. What, for the fucking, the pedo's dead dad? Aye. Aye. Did a pedo's dad die? And I've got to have sympathy for that, do I?

Daniel, a war veteran. A decorated war veteran that's done more for this country than you'll ever know. Like, wear silly hats. What war was he in? What war was he in? Look, he's got medals. He's got, can you not see that he wears them all? Let me generally, before I

get ignorant as shit, let me generally, what war was Prince... Was his name Philip? Yeah, Prince Philip, right? You know what? I'm as ignorant as you on this one, but imagine if he went to war. He didn't go to war in the same way Soppet did. I reckon he was glamping.

Oh, word on. I reckon he's done a bit of glamping oh god I'm not Telegraph I'm not signing into your website why would I do that just give me the information you sad bastards you know what but it looks like he might have actually

to be fair to him he might actually be a war hero here is he maybe well no they can just pause it to be fair to him he might actually be a war hero here is he should we have a couple minutes silence maybe well no they can just pause it

they can just I found it fucking remarkable how I've just watched the Newcastle match right and they fucking

did a two minute silence for Prince Philip and then took the knee for racism I'm like pick a lane pick a lane em I think took the knee for racism. I'm like, pick a lane. Pick a lane.

I think, oh, fair play. I think he might have actually been in World War II. Hargreaves was a U-man aboard the destroyer HMS Wallace, on which Philip, son of Prince Andrew of Greece, had been appointed First Lieutenant Second in Command at the age of 21 in July 1943, engaged

in the Allied landings in Sicily the ship came under repeated bombardment at the dead of night and its crew realised that they would probably lose their lives. It was then Philip conjured up a plan to throw overboard a wooden raft with smoke floats that would create the illusion of debris ablaze on the water

as he hoped, the German plane was fooled into attacking the raft while Wallace sailed safely under the cover of darkness. Oh, I mean, fair enough. Well, there you go. It was actually World War II. I will concede all

of those points then. Fair play to him there. I had this weird... You know, when you're on Twitch, you have to live react to people dying. That's something I didn't take into account when I thought to myself, I'm going to start knitting on a Twitch stream. I'm going to start playing Stardew Valley on a Twitch stream. I didn't think for a second I had to show me true colours

and react to the death of people. How raw is your cock? I basically showed live ambivalence I fumbled my way through essentially what was a shrug Daniel I just shrugged I was like

you know what I I was really conflicted about the way my grandad Harry lived his life and what his world view was

and when he died I suffered because I'd lost me grandad but the way he lived I shouldn't speak ill about me dear grandad but he had as Tom Horton would describe with Prince Philip colourful language

when he describes people of diversity right alright doesn't call them people of diversity. Right? Right? He doesn't call them people of diversity. He just calls them them. Ah.

So I just, I didn't need to have that kind of conflict with someone that I didn't love. You know what I mean? I could just go, whatever. Whatever. To me, that whole family is our Kardashians. They've got a bunch of ill-gotten fucking blood diamonds in their wardrobe that we'll go and visit

and look at and go and look at them diamonds you know what I'm still not knowing how to react right but I am like which is look I don't care like on one side of things

I understand the death of a human being even a human being that I don't like isn't a good thing nobody deserves to die it's good when some people die but nobody deserves to die

I don't think Prince Philip necessarily, because he was 99 nobody deserves to die. I don't think Prince Philip Ness is... Because he was 99. I mean, nobody deserves to die at that age. You can't just, you know, do. But I'll not pretend for a fucking second I give a shit. I'm not feigning sentiment.

I cannot feign sentiment. His son is a pedophile. And he fucking... And regardless... he covered it up the reason he's not in jail the reason Prince Andrew's not in jail for being a literal fucking pedophile is because of his mum and dad

it's absolute mum and dad that's my opinion I get the loyalty of parents right I'd expect my mum and dad to have me back on a lot of things right, like you know if I'd expect my mum and dad to have me back on a lot of things, right? Like, you know, if I, like, drunk drove and hit somebody and I was getting done for manslaughter, I'm a fucking monster society once I was in jail,

but I'm still my mum and dad's son, and they're going to fucking try and protect us the best that they can, right? But by that, they'll just come visit you in prison. But, you know, if I had sex with a human trafficked child, I think even me mum and dad's... Several, multiple. I think even me mum and dad's unconditional love would develop a condition.

Do you reckon it was when they were just like, you've gone into prison and you've obviously had to drop over all of your your goods, your wallet your phone, your passport, whatever you had on you and they're just looking you've got your passport on you for some reason and they're just looking at the boarding pass and they're like fucking where's Pedo

Island? This is a return flight from Pedo Island and he was there for three weeks, I guess he was just enjoying the... With Jeffrey Epstein. Is that the Pedo Island guy? Is that the Ronald McDonald of Pedo Island? Jeffrey Epstein.

He went with him. It's been very funny to... Not funny, sorry, I'll rephrase that. It's been very interesting to watch the difference of reaction between England and the rest of the world. Man, I am in Australia, right, where'll rephrase that. It's been very interesting to watch, like, the difference of reaction between England and the rest of the world. Like, man, I am in Australia, right, where they have places called Victoria

and Queensland and, like, all of these Commonwealth fucking names. Nobody over here gives a shit. And I mean literally fucking nobody. Not even expats? Like, nope, nope. Because I am a member of a Facebook group called Poms in Perth. And just because I wanted to mention, hey, I'm a jolly, I am a member of a Facebook group called Poms in Perth and just

because I wanted to mention that hey I'm a Geordie I'm a comedian that's over here doing a show if anyone would want to come see my show this is when it's on I've done a little bit of fucking promotion that way stayed a member of Poms in Perth and they are gammon tributes no I have not met

like anyone that gets like the only people I've met have just been like to me do you care and all I go is I'm Scottish and they go fair enough like why would you because he's the Duke of Edinburgh Daniel because he's your Duke alright but you know we didn't

you know he appointed himself that that's not like a title we gave him does that mean the Duke of Edinburgh is going to end up You know he appointed himself that. That's not like a title we gave him. Does that mean the Duke of Edinburgh is going to end up being Andrew's title? That would be really ironic considering what happens to people in Scouts. Yeah, yeah. I mean, the challenge is easier to get,

but way worse, way worse. Now being given the Dukeinburgh warrant at 15 years old has an entirely different meaning it's just um it's like to all the people that like sincerely look hey hey i'll not fucking berate anyone for berating someone I don't know what a person means to you Steve Irwin's death made me genuinely sad, Ryan Dunn's death made me genuinely sad recently DMX man

I was like a bad man a fundamentally bad man but they're bangers though, they're fucking tunes man, driving along in my Fiat Bravo like stop, drop, shut them down, open up, shut up. Fucking I was a gangster man, we're having meteors. I could take on the world but that couldn't be teenage angst with fucking them coals on the fire.

Hello, fucking. Fucking Nikki from Big Brother, who is she? She gave confidence to a lot of girls who probably suffered from confidence issues. she gave confidence to a lot of girls who probably suffered from confidence issues you don't get to choose what somebody means to someone she showed that you could get far without any

talent at all and it made a generation of people who try to achieve things without having any skills but people grieve their own things they've got their own heroes. And I really try.

But I won't deny you your memes of the celebrities I grieve. Not at all. Like, come on. I might even glance at them. I might even glance at them for a bit of comic relief. You know what? A bit of gallows humour. Oh, my God.

DMX is dead. But have you seen this funny meme about him? Oh, I feel a little bit better now. The memes have been incredible based on just the reaction to like Prince Philip's death and the difference in reactions in England and literally the rest of

the fucking world sorry not England the south of England and also not London everything outside of it like just like this unique part I am now terrified for when Lizzie fucking pops her clocks because people have not reacted well to the ambivalence and not giving a shit that Prince Philip's received.

When you see some of the street parties that take place in some parts of the world when she dies, there might be another world war. It's gonna be so bad. It's gonna be so bad. It's gonna be real bad. Really you know when you sing God Save Our Queen

just because I can't be arsed with a fallout I sing the national anthem loudly because I really can't be arsed with the polarity that comes with every situation this has got to be like fucking the polarity of people put on steroids and also like it's the

like you're allowed to love the royal fucking family but it's the indignation when nobody else not only gives a shit but also goes you know what fuck them they go well how could you possibly say that? The tourism that they do for the country. You go, oh, yeah, no, I forgot.

If the queen existed, nobody would go and visit the castle. That's why nobody visits Edinburgh Castle. That's why nobody visits Greece anymore, Kai. Because the gods aren't there and the Romans are no longer in Rome. Like, nobody visits Rome anymore because Caesar's not there. So there'd be no fucking point. Thank God the royal family still fucking exists because without them, nobody would visit London,

you daft fucking cunts. Do you know how much the Queen plays in the tourism is when you're at Buckingham Palace and you can sing it over there at the other side of the walls in the guards, you kind of wonder if she's in it or not. Yeah. she might not even be like your experience is completely the same the royal family does so much for tourism

in the uk i go yeah yeah yeah but i bet it would do the exact same numbers if they were all fucking dead like if i i bet you this i bet you when the Queen dies, tourism goes up. You'll be able to go into a house. If your whole argument is for fucking like, we've got to have the royal family for tourism, then surely you better be crossing your fingers for the day she fucking dies. Because the influx of tourism is going to be through the roof at that point.

Truly, if that's your only fucking argument, it's going to be a fucking great day. Oh my God, it's going to be a fucking great day oh my god it's going to be terrible you know what no it's going to be exciting for several reasons first of all we're going to live to watch stamps change who gets to live during that oh it's going to change to Charles

well whoever it is Prince Charles has ugly mug on the stumps no no no no obviously people are going to settle down it'll be Meghan Markle and the it's the logical way we like a queen

it can't be Kate she's busy so Meghan Markle will be on the money next I bet they've got the headlines ready I can't believe she's got the nerve to attend this funeral. And I can't believe the bitch didn't make the effort to attend this funeral. She's there going, oh, I can't do anything in this situation. Every result has got negative media.

Also, I will just say on record, the amount of people like, what's your opinion of Meghan Markle? My opinion of Meghan Markle is also, fuck her fuck her like i don't care i do not like she's part of the royal family even though she's part of the royal family that negated the royal family she's still part of the royal family so fuck it until she publicly comes out and sings a song about my uncle-in-law is a big fucking nonce and they've been hiding it forever i have have no respect. Prince Harry can go fuck himself. His uncle's a fucking nonce. The utter bullshit on that opera interview

that they called at the beginning that nothing was off limits. The what interview? Opera. Opera? Opera. I mean, they weren't singing it, mate. It was definitely opera.

Look, I don't care how you pronounce opera. It's not a matter of opinion. It's Oprah Winfrey. Oprah? No. Oprah Winfrey? It's 100% Oprah. Do you think that's why there was so much drama?

Just because they were doing a fucking opera about the entire thing? Mate. This is like Bath and Bath. Raspberry and Raspberry. No, no, no. Bath and Bath are spelt the same. Oprah and Opera. Look, Danny, I was listening to Arby and Anthony.

Okay. Oprah Winfrey. Oprah Winfrey Oprah Winfrey right fine if it's a name I'll use it oh Peter Potter my my

so which one is it again Oprah Oprah she said it was going to be a no holds

but what the fuck my my volumes day and it's like oh no sorry I shouldn't do that right I'll deal with that in my own head Oprah she said it was going to be a no holds what the fuck my my volume's doing this like oh no sorry I shouldn't do this right I'll deal with that in my own head

fucking what sorry Daniel me fucking there's a ghost in the room that keeps moving my volume like genuinely

I said it the way I wanted it and I've just watched it move and I didn't touch it right she said it was a no holds barred interview and she made Megan confirm like is everything just watched it move and I didn't touch it. Right. She said it was a no-hold-bars interview and she made Megan confirm like, is everything, is the gloves

off, we can talk about anything on this? And she's like, yep, we can talk about anything. The fucking pedo elephant that stood in the room sweating its box off. Wanking off in the corner. Uh-huh. And you're like somebody mentioned

the nuns just fucking it's just there's there's there's nobody's any right to fucking

complain anything about the royal family there is a fucking beast in that family who has not been charged and who is refusing to move to America

and refusing to be questioned by the FBI because he fucked a bunch of children right he fucked a bunch of children on a fucking island

with one of the greatest fucking paedophiles that ever lived. And I don't mean that in a reverential way. I mean mathematically. He's the best at it. He had a paedo-island! Man, when it comes to paedo, Jeffrey Epstein was the Messi of paedos. He got

other people involved in his paedophilia so that he could get away with his pedophilia he was like i'm gonna take a bunch of pictures of you with a bunch of kids but that you i know you fuck he's the greatest pedo that ever exists which means he's the worst person that's ever lived fundamentally the worst person and there is a family in a fucking castle that is covering this not only covering this fucking story up, denying more information to come out, stopping more information coming out,

stopping this thing going to fucking trial. Fuck everyone in the tree. Fuck the kids, but exactly. Oh, man. You just lost it. Sorry. Damn!

This is the problem. This is me saying, when I said, yeah, no, I did. I lost that. Right, we've got that. That's the problem. We've got that in the yeah no I did I lost that right we've got that's the problem we've got that in the can I'll cut that

I'll isolate it man that's the one thing I've it's happened so many times in conversation like the amount of times you know I fucking F and Jeff

all the time I swear like a motherfucker lots of Jeff but for me me and the word fucking is fucking is just my

um like oh fucking this F oh where am i i'm going to fucking camera and i'm going to fucking and i forget so many times on stage it means having sex with yes i see when i was on stage i'd say look i i would say look i fucking love kids i fucking love kids and you know i fucking love kids but sometimes that word was what with the other one i fucking love kids no i love fucking kids because i'm good look hey it's a bunch of fucking kids obviously don't mean it's kids that are fucking it's just a bunch of

kids and i've used the word fucking as an adverb then it's a bunch of fucking kids and then i go i love fucking kids and that comes across as I love having sex with children. But sadly, I don't think my mum and dad would bury that fucking story by blaming it on Matthew's coloured girlfriend. Remarkable. Absolutely remarkable that that's the situation. You know what as well? you know you know what as well like the

the the amount of people that love the royals right hate people on benefits like the

the benefit cheats just gotta get that money and spend you've gotta get that money and spend it on cigarettes you know what cigarettes do something that 20 quid

in the fucking calm your nerves when you're a poor cunt when you're divvying out where the next meal's coming from probably with the money you should've spent on food instead of cigarettes but look you've got yourself in that situation you're a poor cunt, when you're divvying out where the next meal's coming from, probably with the money you should have spent on food instead of cigarettes. But look, you've got yourself in that situation.

You're not fucking smart. You're not good at making decisions. Your education failed you. Your society failed you. You've earned benefits. You bought a cigarette because it's one of the only good things in your day and it's bringing you closer to death. You have a cigarette, right?

And people sneer at you. Right? These cunts are spending millions on jewels they're benefit cheats they're a benefit why don't we spray paint people all the charity work they do but you've got to remember at some point like they they said things and and they talked about certain charities and they you know prince phil Philip said a lot of lovely things and he was a the WWF and he did all that

stuff and you go you know he could have done that if he wasn't the fucking prince like he could have done that and still paid tax that's him like sports washing that's him because he knows he's in the public eye like that ain't altruism that's him like he knows he's in the public eye. Like, that ain't altruism. That's him like, oh, fuck, I've got...

Any time a fucking footballer, especially a footballer of colour, fucking donates any money to charity, people go, it's for a tax break. It's for a tax break. He's only doing it for a tax break. And you go, motherfucker! There's nothing people can do.

But this fucking royal family can swan... They do so much for the economy. They do so much for fucking charity. They do this... Because you'd rather it go on tax, which you can see how they spend tax. You can see how they...

It's right there in front of you how they're spending your tax money. The fucking cronyism. They're giving it to their friends for massive PPE contracts, for track and trace contracts. Even the fucking free school meals contract was giving a load of money to their pals.

Like, I take a tax break, mate, because the tax is getting spent very fucking poorly. So if he can spend that money well on a charity before it hits the fucking pockets, these cunts in charge. Fucking hit a tax break.

Mate, honestly, fucking everybody, dodge tax as best as you can. Spend it better. I truly believe that England is very, very close to surpassing America as the dumbest country in the world. Aye.

You've got to remember, Boris Johnson looked down the lens of a camera on national television and said if 20,000 British people die, it's an abject failure. Right? And we've just surpassed 150,000 deaths and 65% of your lot

of you south of the fucking border going there's nothing he could have done he smashed it you know what he might be the best we've ever had this is truly just some sort of 4d chess player somehow this man knew that by forcing brexit through we wouldn't have to share our vaccine with the rest of Europe. And he's fucking done them. They've fucking, he's done the French, he's done the Italians, he's the greatest prime minister in the world. It's exhausting to

watch how easily fucking gaslit everyone is down there. And it's like, I envy it really, because if, if, I mean, I voted Labour, right? And if my vote came in... You fucking cuck.

And Labour had done a terrible job, like, even half as terrible, even if half the fucking deaths of what this Tory government have had, I'd be so... I'd feel accountable, man. I'd be like, ah, fuck, maybe I backed the wrong horse. Even if I didn't know this alternative reality that we're in now

right where we're fucking breaking records right if I was there with half of that I'd be like oh my god

I fucking I can't believe we've all come to this I'm so sorry I'm so apologetic but they don't feel that they don't feel that just so people can understand

how truly truly fucking awful the UK has done in comparison. Kai, off the top of your head, how many deaths from COVID do you think there's been in Australia? Oh, it's got to be, I'm going to say like... We're on a... I'm going to say 20,000 as that being a fraction of ours and the fact that...

909,000. And thankfully they were all in Adelaide. Yeah! So they didn't get counted. I'm sorry, Adelaide. I've actually got nothing against Adelaide. Oh, well, I don't anymore. I've had lovely times there.

I just like joining in with you. 909. 909 Australians have died. So that's an option. That's possible for the rest of the world. Now, if only the UK was an inherently racist island that hated immigrants. At least, you know what? if only the UK was an inherently racist island that hated immigrants at least

you know what that's what we are and we didn't even do that well right you would have thought these fucking cunts that have been so desperate to close the fucking borders and keep immigrants out could have done that right

they were given the chance. Oh, wait a minute. Let me stop pulling figures out of my arse. How many deaths have we got in the UK? UK COVID deaths. Is it around 100,000 now for us? It's well over 100,000, mate. It's shite, man.

Ah, nah, some of them. I knew it, fucking. We are. I was like, it's not close to home anymore. It's in my house of them. I knew it. Fucking. I was like, I was like, it's not close to home anymore. It's in my house. It's in my house. Very exciting.

No, no, Kai, this is very good. We are, I've got 68. We are 32 deaths away from 150,000. Oh, keep refreshing it. Keep refreshing it.

Take that thing that you click your fingers where nothing had made. Do a fucking bono. 150,000 compared to 909 and look aussies here like they're like the government did okay like we've got there's larger it wasn't like the the federal government did particularly good it was the local governments that were able to shut down like the one advantage that of course australia is more spread out than the UK is it's much more difficult to manage but the disparity

and the difficultness isn't a hundred and forty nine thousand more like it's not that fucking hard like it's what's harsh about that number

is it's an abstract number right you just say like a hundred thousand people right but I've been one of the one of the people

mourning a loss as many many people have right and when you've been one of the people mourning a loss as many, many people have, right? And when you're in that state of mourning, right, you can, there's 100,000 people that's having this ripple effect on other people that are around them. So the tens to hundreds of people

that are around that person that suffer, that didn't die, but they've suffered the loss, it's fucking millions, it's wreckage of millions of lives. Aye. But he's doing his best. He's doing his best for me. No, no, Kai, he's not doing his best. I mean, it could have been the other guy.

It could have been the other guy. Yeah, no, but Kai, can you just imagine how bad it would have been if Jeremy Corby it could have been yeah no but Guy can you just imagine how bad it would have been if Jeremy Corbyn was in charge and we had you know more money in the NHS

and you know and if he you know if he'd chosen somebody it doesn't bear thinking about how much worse it would have fucking been

and this is the other thing and as well the fact that we laughed at the wifi oh we're going to give everyone fucking free broadband and the house is part of the state

and then every cunt ends up working from home and on Zoom and fucking all the fucking entertainment industries. Like, the fucking times I've looked

at that red square on the fucking bottom corner of a Twitch stream, go on, fuck man, we nearly had it. It's fucking remarkable

how easily gaslit a nation is I used to always fucking criticise America because Fox News is just so fucking toxic over there and it's so popular and there's just, you know, this channel that just spits out lies and lies and lies and all you have to do is just watch it and be like

oh this is just bullshit and you go god the Americans are so dumb because like fucking 45-50% of them eat this shit up. Thank god I come from a smart fucking country. Boris Johnson is going to win a fucking landslide in the next election.

By a fucking country fucking mile. By a country where 150,000, literally 149,000 extra people that died in fucking Australia. And he's going to fucking walk in and people are going to go, look, he smashed it because they own the media.

And they fucking own the... You know what it is with, in America, right, when you see the Fox News, right, the way they do in America is when they're gaslighting the nation, they yell it at them, they're yelling it at them, they're name-calling, they're shouting the way Britain does it, it's more subtle

it's more devious and snaky it's like the media sometimes it's just like turns of phrase and choice of words and an angle to come at and it's like fucking real manipulative rather than just like this is what you think yeah, it's like I feel like this is I feel like yeah it's like oh i feel like this is

i feel like you and me are stepping on me and can james's territory at this point because this is just an episode of two more cuts but you know what you know what i kind of get past you know if you just look at boris johnson that job is doing a fucking emperor palpatine number on his face as age gets him as the stress of the job him, you can tell he's a bad cunt like a and people will be again, similar fucking thing, Boris Johnson will die within the next 10

15, 20, 30 or so fucking years and when he dies, it will be exactly like fucking Thatcher dies right, which is there will be parties in the streets of Scotland and you'll have a bunch of undereducated not even undereducated willfully miseducated and willfully misguided people in england being like those scots are bastards look at them just glorifying the death of a single man

the death of a man who's responsible... For the death of their families. For 150,000... People that they loved, people that they grieved. And they'll be going... Fucking me. Hold them accountable, man. That's something I've preached by you. Just accept that we're the new America, man. Thankfully, America's getting worse, but we're the new America, man. Thankfully, America's getting worse,

but we're just now the second America. Aye. Yes. And it's just going to get worse. They're not putting money into education. They're not putting money into the fucking schools. They're not putting money into critical thinking. The media is owned by the BBC.

Air quotes there, so therefore they can just give more of it to the fucking right wing because cancel culture means that the occasional racist doesn't get a book deal and they don't have any other platform apart from all the other platforms they've got and oh god I'm going to turn into Steve Hughes

aren't I I love that cancel culture is mostly peddled, mostly preached by people that haven't done anything that you can be cancelled for. They haven't got a platform to be deplatformed for.

As someone that has a bunch of... Yeah, go on, sorry. Just as someone that's got a bunch of race jokes, I joke about Hiroshima in a show where I graphically act out somebody

dying in Hiroshima I graphically activate wanking off a fucking pedophile cancel culture is a fucking myth mate

right not for comedians like again it works for regular people but if you just tell good jokes you're not gonna to get fucking cancelled.

People can take you out of context, and people will take you out of context. And I guarantee you, in the next fucking five, ten years of my career, my comedy will be taken out of context and used as something to flog me over the head with. But the real audience won't give a shit. They're just going to have a fucking bonfire

in a newspaper that I don't read. And I'll be like, oh, look, it's an effigy of me. That's interesting. And then I'll get free publicity for two years. Yep. And all you've got to do, Daniel, is just not be a beast.

I always think about that, like if I'm saying stuff, like people can take stuff out of context, they can quote us in a fucking shite book that any cunt likes well hey it's not even come out yet don't call my Jesus man like we've just delayed it by a year

I didn't say anything that bad in fact I think I gave you a pretty nice shout out like yeah I made a bunch of jokes about you but like it was in the guise of our friendship just saying no one's read it yet

so no one likes it yet I really I really I really wish I'd actually called you racist in my book like I really wish in the final edit

I'd just be like oh so by the way he's a racist aye in like a date in Austin Powers kind of way I can't

I can't believe she said that that it was like in Austin Powers because Austin Powers was very knowing Austin Powers was like ahead of its time

like that stands up as being very aware oh and yeah and also Austin Powers like did not like he was there was one point like did she take Austin Powers like did not like he was

there was one like did she take Austin Powers in face value the stupid cunt cunt is an inherently sexist word

and it can be I said man I've been gigging in fucking Melbourne and like man like I've forgotten like don't get me

wrong it's amazing to be back doing like like, comedy in, like, full rooms and with real audiences. And you just forget how fucking sensitive and wanky Melbourne can be sometimes. Oh, yeah. Like, the way I just, right, gigging in Melbourne, right, is a lot like taking a kid, your kid, to a bubble factory, right? And all the other kids at Melbourne Comedy Festival

love the bubble factory, but for some reason, your kid thinks bubbles are bees. And they just walk into the bubble factory, and every time a bubble touches them, they go, and you go, no, no, it's not a bee, it's time a bubble touches it they go and you

go no no it's not B it's just a bubble it didn't actually it didn't hurt you it's just a little and they go oh sorry you're right I was another word got me and you go it's a fuck it's not a it's not a real B

it's a bubble stop embarrassing me in front of the other kids I've had this bubble factory all over the fucking world and they love it in the rest of the world. You are the only people that insist that these fucking bubbles can hurt you. You fucking pussies. Oh, fuck, I said pussy. That's them gone again.

They get offended if you insult their coffee, man. Did you say that about my coffee? I donated two of them with Tom Stead one time and fucking he phoned it rough like because they just kept taking everything he said at face value and not saying the humour in it and he was like fuck man these people

one of the most common phrases you'll hear in Melbourne is you know that if you some people might misconstrue the joke and you go then don't misconstrue the joke. You know that responsibility is on your end. You know, misconstruing is literally the receptor's fault. Like you chose to take the joke in the wrong way and you were reacting like that. But it's because they're sweethearts at the end of the day.

A real empathetic. Pat themselves on the wrong back for their empathy. I swear to fucking God, here's the one thing. Sorry, I was going to say, I just want to disclaimer, I love Melbourne, because I just do a lot of fucking sex jokes and toilet humour. I can't do any other knuckle for them to back off. Man, you would fucking hate

being Melbourne right now because the Melbournians, Guy, I don't know if you know this, but the reason I know this is because every single one of them has told me this several times. Guy, Australia didn't have to go through too many lockdowns.

Brisbane literally only had one three-day lockdown. Queensland had like a two-week one where it was only essential workers. Sydney had to go into lockdown for about a month. But Kai, do you know... Have you got tissues ready? Because this is going to make you very emotional. Hi, I'm in my computer room with a curtain.

Sure, of course I have. Kai, people in Melbourne went through a sorry I'm sorry I don't I can't remember people in Melbourne

went through a three month lockdown and how did they oh man some of them didn't some of them some of them

some of them went out for a 35 minute walk five minutes over the schedule and and somebody in uniform told them to go home Kai someone in uniform wearing shorts Some of them went out for a 35-minute walk, five minutes over the schedule, and somebody in uniform told them to go home, Kai. Someone in uniform wearing shorts, and you could see their ankles, and they looked that cute in the smiles.

They looked like a little boy. One of them policemen with a fucking propeller cap on, wasn't it? Man, like, look, and again, not to, like, look, no lockdown is fun. To be fair, no lockdown is fun, whether it's a week fun whether it's a week whether it's a month whether it's fucking three months whether it's 14 months it's no lockdown is fun and just because you've gone through something longer absolutely does not diminish the three-month lockdown but these cunts their backs must hurt carry on this cross around

because they man they come up to me and they're just like, we know what you've been through. I'm like, no, you're talking to me. You've got no idea. What is like, you understand. They're like, oh my God, two week quarantine

must have been really hard for you. I couldn't have done it. I'm like, you know, I came from a quarantine. You know, I just went from one quarantine to a different quarantine. I locked down in London. For know, I just went from one quarantine to a different quarantine. I locked down in London.

For me, someone from Melbourne giving us that would be like someone that'd been to the Falklands talking to someone that's saved in Norm. Man, the analogy I use is like, Jamie, people in Melbourne talking about their lockdown is like you going up to Oscar Pistorius and being like, I tell you all, I had such a horrible argument with my wife the other day

that I stubbed my toe. Like, it's not the same. It's not. Like, I know you think it is, but have some perspective, please. I love that. Your sympathetic no-legs guy was the man who shot his wife. If only we knew more good people with no legs. If only I watched the Paralympics hey here's one thing that

so look it's amazing to be out here and it's amazing how different things are and also like anyone from Melbourne listening like they did have a very fucking strict lockdown like the type that we have in the UK and that's not a fucking easy thing to go through so they're so grateful to be out and it's it's really nice and they're

being secure they're being safe it's not a competition it's it was hard for everyone and no one lives yeah i i but i will be a dick about it because of course yeah yeah um i go into the comedy republic which is like recent kyron's comedy club that they now own. And I get upstairs and fucking Kat, our Australian manager is there. I bump into Jen Fricker. I bump into Kyron. And it's like being in a bar again.

Lovely people, man. This is making us really jealous. Oh, right. So I'm sitting there going, oh my God. And you do that thing where you're at a bar and you bump into people and it's so good. And man, then I look over. Jamon. Jamon, she's sat at the other side of the fucking bar and i go over and i talk to jamon and i'm like this is fucking great and i'm way off at good time and then later on in

the evening about 45 minutes later i was being ear fucked by people i couldn't be arsed talking to oh no they're still there like you can see the eye I've got me rose tinted goggles on and you just literally slapped them off my face man it was man like it's a great fucking club I met so many good people but when it started getting towards the later hours of the night like for two hours it was

the best thing in the world and then the final three I was like oh yeah I remember this I remember just hey hey hey man and just somebody taking you away from a conversation and you know that thing where you like sometimes you just stop talking to the person talking you just to see if they've got any social cues in their system and they don't you know and they just you know what i discovered as well with them people over the course of like because you get fucking gaslit

at the start of your career that like all these bars Brooks Bar, Loft Bar, The Abattoir they're all people looking over their shoulder for someone better to talk to and hobnobbing and schmoozing and all that and you're there going oh yeah that is kind of grimy

and you're like no no no if somebody's looking over your shoulder to get out of a conversation you've got no right you can't hold them hostage. You didn't like put yourself in this like, am I not good enough kind of fucking attitude. Like if your conversation is fucking taking up

someone's time and boring them. Also, you're not entitled to all of someone's time. Like I, it's so people go, oh, you're clearly looking for someone else. I go, no, but we've spoken for five minutes. Like we've spoken for five to 10 minutes. We fucking catched up. I asked about oh, you're clearly looking for someone else. I go, no, but we've spoken for five minutes. Like, we've spoken for five to ten minutes. We fucking catched up. I asked about you, you about your life.

You asked me about my fucking life. What are we... We're standing up at a bar. What further catch up do you want to fucking... I've got other friends in this room. You've got other friends in this room. Why are we pretending that all we want to do is each other?

If I'm getting marked out the game, like I'm looking for a patch of grass I can fucking get some space, if I find myself looking at some good shoulder, it's because I'm uncomfortable. It's not because I think that somebody else in the room can give us a better career break. It's because me friends are there

and me pain's getting warm. Aye. So, I mean, you do, it's great to fucking be in society but like I was laughing to myself because I was just like

god like during quarantine during fucking lockdown I convinced myself that I missed being sociable so much and then

like I was like oh I'm not I'm not sociable like I don't I don't miss being in a bar talking to people. I miss being in a bar with my mates. With your mates.

Yeah, that was just hanging out. Oh, I don't miss being in a random bar. That being said, no, like... A weird thing to miss. I got to go into a restaurant by myself with your book and your headphones. Nice. You know that? That was nice nice that was a really nice i used to like doing that from home like when i was at home i would go into

a kind of a cafe and do that i'll go go to the go to the restaurant by the canal and just sit on the fucking like uh the veranda like who's just there i could sit in the house read me book but it's just if you go sit out and you get somebody else to cook a fucking meal for you, and I know it's coming back in the UK, and to the people in the UK, I do, I'm getting better at it, but man, I do have, like, a real level of fucking guilt, because I feel

like I'm skipping, like, the hardest mission. Like, we've all, we've all gone through this together, and, like, because the UK's so close to coming out of it, and I do believe that because of the way we're vaccinating and because of what we're doing, this is the last one and we're all about to come out of it. You've used cheats.

You've used the cheat codes. You've nearly completed the game and you've went fucking unlimited. I'm going limited lives. The last couple of missions were too hard and I just typed in forward slash god mode forward slash rose button. I've just got infinite money,

infinite things. And I'm here going, well, you can't be getting any joy out of it if you're using cheats, but I can see your face where on a Zoom call, you're buzzing. You're fucking buzzing.

You're cheating cunt. I'm totally fucking cheating. Fucking coward. you cheating cunt I'm totally fucking kidding fucking coward I also like I like so obviously every day you're quarantined I phone Cara when I woke up she phoned me when she woke up

you know it was that it was really nice conversations because it was just fucking two people I was like what have you been up to? And she was like, what the fuck are you? Nothing. I've been up to nothing. What have you been up to?

And I'm like, also nothing. Well, I'm personally offended because she played Among Us on my stream and I think that's noteworthy. Oh, no, in fact, so she did fucking tell me about this and she was just like, yeah, I just wish there was,

I had to do it on my phone. I just wish there was I had to do it with my phone I just wish there was an easier way to play it and I was like oh what about like a 20 grand studio

with a fucking piece of YouTube screen on it you damn bitch like your phone like one that you've got a key to one that has a screen

I don't have you banned that from your treehouse have you got a fucking no guilt allowed on your fucking studio no but

she was like it's really difficult on the phone I'm like can I just go into the office and play it but she's got her office upstairs and she sort of sees that as hers and also man like because I did feel fucking guilty because

she was sincerely happy for me coming over here because she's seen the way I've handled the last year. She's like, I know you need this. I know there's only so much I can do for your ego. And there's this. She's seen the sit-down showers. Yeah, yeah. She smelled them.

And the stand-up poos. the stand-up poos. So she's just like, go out there and enjoy it. But she was a bit quiet for like the day or two just because, you know, I was having fun. So I did the thing

that any good partner would do. And I had some flowers just sent to the house. Just saying, hey, just so you know, even though I still do fucking miss you. And can I just say, I finally relate to Natalie

on a profound level of just how relaxing and great it is to have a basic bitch partner who is so easily pleased. I didn't know you had the brain capacity for that because I feel like I should feel attacked because I sent these flowers to Zucana

and man she's she's like you she's just happy she's just intrinsically to her core happy nothing's too difficult for her the world doesn't overwhelm her she's just smiling fucking up you haven't seen me before my coffee she gets these flowers and she's like oh my god you can go and have fun and i'm like baby you know

that's not a fair trade right like i've got freedom for five weeks and i sent you some 15 flowers and she was like you said such a sweetheart go ahead and have all the fun in the world i just don't to any lads out there not even just that if you were in a relationship i cannot express to you even though it seems like something so small and so easy. The act of buying your partner flowers goes a thousand miles. Like there's even the girls that don't like flowers. They do. Even blokes like flowers. I don't know if you've ever given a bloke flowers before,

but I've done some. That's how I taught Matty. He was best man. I sent flowers to his work. Flowers are pretty. There's nothing feminine about flowers apart from history. Flowers are a beautiful thing to receive. You buy some flowers.

Trust me, as a man giving flowers, you just don't know how to react. I think most men are like, oh, now I've got to keep these alive. I struggle to keep me alive. Yeah, they say, I wasn't ready to be a father. Why have you given me this burden of responsibility but being given flowers it's like a really nice thing and also just the gesture of

you know something cheap enough and it's somebody's thinking of you it's that like you know what you know what's nice as well like you know natalie put it on our vows so anything that's important to you is important to me and she really focuses on what I like even if it's something that's alien to her like last night she fucking paused the telly or whatever

at like 5 to 11 and went is that not a live tournament on Rocket League and then she fucking supported us while I played in a Rocket League

tournament until I went out and then we put the telly back on and I'm like that cost her nothing it cost her fucking nothing and you know what

I'll give her a good old licky this morning I woke her up with it just treated her fanny like it was the back of the queen's head on a stamp

like this has got to go we both had morning breath but no one gave a fuck she had morning breath but no one gave a fuck. She had morning breath down there. One thing, I didn't cut you off from anything there did I? Because I want to pick up something I cut you off on in the last podcast.

No, no, go ahead. Right, because I listened back to it and I was like, oh, I never let him get this story out. You are in physical social studies and the media watched the movie Alive. Oh, yeah. You never finished that story.

Well, I can't remember what it was, but it was pretty much like that was, they just showed us that video when it was like to try and teach you about morals and whatnot. And also like how moral and ethics are you know different there's nothing in fucking black and white each is personal like do you if you crack if a plane crashes on this thing are you right to eat the other dead people to survive or is it unforgivable like what's the what are you So it's like a philosophical quandary. Aye, aye.

And like, I mean, I still don't know because in my head now, I'd be like, you know what? Yes, I would. Because, you know, survival is important to me. And if somebody's dead, I don't believe in heaven. I don't fucking believe in hell. I don't believe in souls.

Like, I don't think human meat is going to fucking taste nice but if I want to fucking live, like I'll choke down some fucking shit to fucking survive but then you also think you know what I probably would start from the ass I think that would be a suckling cut very fatty as well

also I eat ass when it's alive like it's only a small step ass when it's alive. It's only a small step down when it's dead. I'm the only difference between what I normally do is I'll be swallowing, which you could learn from. I don't remember what my point was would you reckon you'd eat

human flesh if you had to oh did I know them I think it would be a lot excellent stipulation you're saying there'd be a line there I'd eat a stranger before I'd eat a mate aye but that's also

as much as I agree with you that's arguably wrong because you know how what's the when they're dead

what's the difference between these people there should be you know you're not going to eat your friend but the person you are eating was somebody else's friend

somebody else's you know mother father well it's just like I don't know if you'd eat would you eat a pit like 100% 100% this is I you eat a pet like 100%

100% this is I'd eat a dog or a cat if if push come to shove but like if I had a choice between

someone else's dog or cat or my family friend that I lost I'd probably bury the one like you know I mean

this is cannibals being choosers here I was saying like if I had the option. But if I didn't have the option, maybe, yeah, maybe I would eat a maid. Yeah, but you'd select first.

You'd be fucking lobbying for somebody else to be like, we can't eat her, she was my friend. You're like, yeah, but you only had... In fact, no, maybe you'd have to be like, look, I have less friends. So you had four friends, so we should eat one of yours because at least three of yours are untated here's something you're not meant to eat carnivorous animals

you're meant to eat vegetarian animals so I would probably that's how I would discriminate I would probably eat vegetarians first because I'd feel like their meat wouldn't be as bad for us I don't know if that's true or not, but I feel like that's a good logic to have.

I'd much rather eat a plant-fed human. And also, I'd need that laugh on the side of the mountain. That would be some of the... I'd be like, this cub was vegan his entire life, and now I'm eating him. The irony. That would see me through. That laugh would see me through

an extra couple of days. No push morale. Like this vegan. No push morale. You'd be grateful. You'd be grateful for a number of reasons. You'd be like,

I think this is pure meat. I think this meat's less likely to make us ill. And ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Like don't worry. Thanks mate. Thanks for your lifestyle choices. Shame it didn't secure your longevity.

This is a debate I have, not a debate with a debate per se but like you know, Cara loves animals and I also love animals right and I'd like in the future, I'd love to have fucking ducks as pets I'd like to have fucking chickens as pets that's why I got you born

for your birthday just to ward off the foxes pets. That's why I got your bone arrow for your birthday. Just to ward off the foxes. I'll protect them in my own Lord of the Rings way. And I'd also like a pig because pigs are as intelligent as dogs are. They're emotional.

They've got relationships. Cara is up for all of this but where we draw the line is, like, I would like to raise pigs so that when my kids, they get to, you know, see a kid, they get to pig, they get to fucking raise it. And then when it dies, I'm like,

hey, dinner! You gotta see where food comes from. And this is an important thing. You can love something and you can understand that it has a fucking purpose. We had a great time with it, but it is essentially food. And Cara has zero time zero time for that i'm like so you're telling me you're literally gonna make me fucking bury a pig like if we have a pet pig and it dies like i'm gonna have to bury

it and she's like well no probably we'll probably just burn it and i'm like, so we're cooking the motherfucker and I can't even eat it. Like, I've got to sit there just mouth salivating. You couldn't burn it. And then just go through there like you're burning it. You're burning it, you're going to waste it.

You're wastage. Wastage. Because that's what it is, wastage if you bury a pig. Oh, no, wastage, man. Like, you might as well just take a fucking shovel of soil into the butchers and just fuck all his stock.

Just fuck the soil out of his stock in the butchers. They're going, what? How am I? Let's fuck it up. It's a bit of coin there, you know. It's also the same with fucking ducks and stuff, man. Ducks, delicious. And we all wish it wasn't.

But fuck me, what a lovely fucking... Man, you go out in the morning, man, you're devastated. Like fucking your favourite fucking duck, Duckberry is dead. Or Ducktesta, whatever the fucking name you decide to give him. Duckleberry Finn. Duckleberry Finn. Just the racist duck. I was happy when he died.

Like he wouldn't hang out with the crows. You go out and you go, I'm heartbroken. My favourite fucking duck died. Fucking that plum tree is looking pretty good though, isn't it? And then you get to eat it. You know what the best thing about eating your own duck is, Danny?

You don't have to get them, Phil! Hello! Oh. My arms are up in the air, I'm celebrating, guys. I'm celebrating, top corner. Back of the net, curled it in. Curled it in, long range winner. Screamer.

And to think we were trying to have a serious conversation. Quack of the net. The Royal Family in it. Fuck off, you fucking piece of shit how fucking dare you make my ears listen to that some people have paid for this

don't they getting this early I'm getting it early so you can warn people who aren't on Patreon to listen to this week's episode

I'm just listening to it for 50 minutes honestly 50 minutes the royal stuff solid solid stuff about Melbourne to listen to this week's episode. I'll just listen to it in under 50 minutes. Honestly, 50 minutes, the royal stuff, solid, solid.

Stuff about Melbourne, decent. But me, I like the duck stuff, the, the peak, peaking duck. I fucking swear,

thank God, this is not, I don't repeat it as if I didn't, don't repeat it as if the reason I didn't laugh is because I didn't fucking hear the

motherfucker I don't repeat that for me if I can draw you twice Jesus Christ it's like spitting on your girlfriend's face because you didn't

do a big enough load to be like I know you I know you just wanted the sensation so here it is sorry love I had a couple

of wags today so I guess I'll just have to grok on your noggin. Right, well, I've been on fire for the last five minutes, so there's that. So that's going to get me to fall back, feel like a comedian again. I wouldn't know the feeling. Your dad won't take the AstraZeneca vaccine

because it has a one in a 100 million chance of blood clots, despite the fact that he's been on the pill for five years because his cum keeps dribbling into his own ass. And only when people have got thrombosis. Let me publicly say this. If you are not willing to take the AstraZeneca vaccine because of the 1 in 100... Wait.

1 in 100 women on the pill, on the birth control pill, get the blood clot. AstraZeneca vaccine because of the one in a hundred wait one in a hundred women on the pill on the birth control pill get the blood cut if you are not willing to take the AstraZeneca fucking vaccine because it's one in a hundred million

from the bottom of my heart good riddance it was em like don't take it and die see if I give a shit the article in New Scientist because I'm just going to slip that in there

I read New Scientist magazine these days said that it's it's too small of a fucking sample rate. If people are getting blood cuts, they can't tell if they want to get them anyway. Yes. Because that's smaller than the sample. Oh, let them. If you don't want the vaccine, if you do not want to take any of these vaccines,

please, on behalf of everyone else in the world, don't take the vaccine. None of us will miss you. Just go. Fucking don't let the door hit your way in the... It's the Mad Mike principle. I could fucking... I found the word. Three podcasts later,

the word I was looking for was principle. Not fallacy, not prophecy. The Mad Mike principle. Mad Mike principle. Your dad dressed as a mummy for Halloween by wrapping himself in toilet roll but I hadn't realised and just wiped my bum with him your dad thinks Newcastle should trade

Allentown Maximum for Lacazette this podcast is over he just thinks he just thinks he says specifically ASM doesn't his heart's not at the club he's just

he's there for the paycheck every week. Did you just watch the game? No but I heard the result and I knew how to wind you up. That man is

different gravy man he's got he's got different minerals he come on the pitch and fucking turned the game around and fucking he won the game

for it within 10 minutes. He's fucking amazing. I'll never understand why, but he sincerely loves that club. Like, he really does and you can see it in the way he plays. It's because he gets the fans, he gets the people, he gets the city.

You know what, right? He scored, because he set up the first goal, and I'm fucking already loving him, right? And then he scores the second one and he does a little what, right, he scored because he set up the first goal, and I'm fucking already loving him, right, and then he scores the second one, and he does a little dance, right, and Natalie had to fucking, bless her, she'd watched the whole match she watches every fucking kick of the game with us with Newcastle and sometimes it's boring as hell, right and she fucking popped out to get with some food

to bring back in, and fucking Maximin scored and I went through the fucking roof so she could hear us and run through and she came in, and Maximin started doing this little dance just like a little silly dance, right she came in and Maximin started doing this little dance just like a little silly dance right and me and Natalie were both doing this silly dance with him I hadn't made a

conscious decision that I was going to do this silly dance right I'm screaming my fucking head off Natalie Rose we were doing the dance right now I just fucking caught myself in that moment and I was like that's why I love football that's why I love football that's why I love football it made that happen

and that man personally made that happen I'm in my fucking room with my wife doing this silly little dance with a massive shit eating grin on my face

and then that's why I like football Danny it's class but I'm fair enough and I'm also I'm sincerely happy for you

that you're now pretty much out of the relegation battle. It's never sure. It's never sure, but fuck. I know a lot of people that listen to this podcast. You know what, Danny? You know what?

We've barely got a crossover with people who like football, the pair of us. It's an event diagram. Can I just say, I can just say to, look, all the fans that have never gone to football before, now's the perfect time to start being a Chelsea fan because we are all but through to the semi-finals of the Champions League

and if Chelsea are ever good at winning a European trophy, it was when our manager was fired five months ago After getting them to that point. Aye. I don't think Chelsea will win the Champions League, I think that's to say.

But the fact that we're even getting close to the semi-finals is fucking ridiculous. But anything can happen at this stage. And man, do what I do. Become a glory hunter. Get on board. All you have to do is watch potentially four games and you can see Chelsea winning their fourth.

Count that, Arsenal. Count that. If you can count up to fourth. Oh, no, you can't. It's where you used to finish when you were good. I know you know. Back when you were class, when you finished fourth regularly, you knew your best fucking finish.

We've got four of those Europeans. Well, I it's we've got four of those European trophies but it's definitely I get the whole glory seeking thing and enjoying the pursuit of trophies but there is something as well in immersing yourself in the agony of a fucking relegation battle in a self harm kind of way to get the joy

like what I had today when we take a big shot at not being relegated. It's like your whole perspective of the game changes. There's people that are upset because they're lost when they're second and they're not going to come first. And he hasn't made it, fucking 17th.

He hasn't made it to 17th, got three points against 15th or whatever. 17th, but seven points clear of the relegation. Six new, six new, and now you've got a better goal difference, but we've got a game in hand. Aye, but you now and now you've got a bit of goal difference but we've got a game in hand but you know what this top side of the table, the game in hand doesn't mean points

fair enough and after the sport it's the weather your dad used lockdown to binge watch Coronation Street from episode one your dad's so homophobic that he refuses to get a prostate Your dad used lockdown to binge watch Coronation Street from episode one. Your dad's so homophobic that he refuses to get a prostate exam, so he just farts until he smells blood. My dad?

That's me. Aye. Oh, sorry. Not the homophobic bit, I may add. No, no, no, no, no. You outed yourself there. Cannot wait for Pascua's next book. He admitted to being homophobic bit I may add. No, no, no, no, no. You outed yourself there. Cannot wait for Pascua's next book. He admitted to being homophobic. Oh my god.

A next book. She'd kind of write another one but she couldn't fill that one. Imagine what's going to be on her next book if she scraped a barrel and misquoted our podcast. Can't wait to see what she says about have a word. Oh, fucking hell.

I never used to be able to have a night out in town without your dad grinding up against me on Mood Dance Flow. What changed? Homophobia. I don't know why but your dad always licks his lips before saying your name your dad can hold his breath

for two minutes but when he lets it out he flies around the house like a balloon your dad's bark is bigger than his underbite tickles that one your dad wears inflatable underpants bark is bigger than his underbite. Tickles, that one. Yo, Dad, where's inflatable underpants? Did Marlena buy them for him? Honestly, Martin, you'll love them.

They're so good. They're dead nice. They fit perfectly. They're very roomy. Honestly, Martin, just take them. You'll not regret them. Just put them in your bag. Try them on, Martin. Honestly, Martin, just take them. You'll not regret them. Just put them in your bag. Try them on, Mark.

Honestly, just come on. Got them off wish. Oh, well. Tell our patrons, Danny, are you doing the bonus episode this week? Are you going to be able to do it with anyone? Yes. So I'm going to... able to do it with anyone? Yes. So, I'm going to... I'm seeing Cameron James on Wednesday.

Sweet. Will you send us that? Send us that straight away and I'll get it chopped together for Thursday morning. Yeah. So, I'll do that with him. I'm also seeing Cody next week. I'm also

seeing Bart Freeburn next week, so I'll try and get a couple of extra ones in. Just get them in the can, yeah? I mean, yeah, I'll just record them when I can. A bit of a backlog to release. Because they come out every Thursday. Oh man, believe me, I'll just, I'll film

a bunch of extra ones just so, oh, we're not filming a record, just so that we've got a little fucking, I have to do less work in the future, essentially. Yeah, get it done while you're around people, you know, while you're fucking in an actual world, while you're fucking cheating the system. You cunt.

Aye. Man, it's very, very funny, like, the amount of fucking Aussies that try to bring up, like, you know there are 150,000 Australians that, you know, can't get back into the country. And I'm just like, oh, do you miss your fucking backpackers to you?

They're going to come in and prop up the economy, are they, you daft fucking cunt? Do you know what I'm doing to this economy by fucking performing here? You should be fucking thanking me that I'm not letting your worst bartenders return. Fucking those borderline rapists are clinging on to lasses on the holders. Oh, man.

We got to have them back. Those aren't the people you want back because those are Australians that were bartenders in another country where they worked for actual minimum wage. They've learned how to be good bartenders. Those are the last Aussies you want back because they'll be better bartenders than you, you $40

an hour piece of shit wankers. And those are the ones that are running from something because what have they done? I'm totally slagging these people off. There's probably fucking lovely people who... Whatever, if you're listening, that's still like you. I was just doing a bit.

Man, if anyone gets... Aye. I don't fucking... We're bang on about there's no such thing as cancel culture, but I... When I'm joking about people, feel the need to tell them I'm only joking. And it's not about...

That is because of them. It's not about being cancelled. It's about like, oh, look, never take this personally. Aye. Like, I'm just saying this for the fucking reaction.

Now, obviously, the reaction I was going for for laughter, but I'm just adding the stipulation just in case you take it fucking personally. I'll be like,

look, obviously, I was joking. You're fucking motor. Aye, it's not how I really feel. I'm doing a bit. Aye, aye. But if you keep reacting like a bitch,

I will mean it next time. Aye, I mean you Ie, i. Ond os ydych chi'n dal i reaglo fel ychydig, byddaf yn ei olygu'n ddiweddar. Rwy'n teimlo chi. Iawn, iawn. Ydych chi eisiau clwbhau'ch sgwyd? A all pobl ddod i gael tigwyd? Australia, edrychwch ar wefan Daniel Sloss. Iawn, mae hynny yw'r clwbhau. Iawn, diolch yn fawr.