Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.16 But really a Bonus

Episode Date: April 21, 2021

We have spoken to Kai's lawyers and having only listened to the first 5 minutes as he uploads this onto Patreon he'd like to comment that he denies ever crying for his mam. No further comment.

Good morning, you absolute legends. I've got a treat for us this morning. That is us. You and I both have a treat. Me and you. I got up at six o'clock this morning to record the podcast with Daniel, who's in Australia, so it's just a regular hour for him. For me, it was like pulling myself out of bed in the middle of the night, and I woke up to this message. Here it is. here it is One later on this evening for you. Well, later on for me. Or, alternatively, I've literally just recorded one with Bart Freeburn there just because I realised that I'd fucked up the timing. So if you want to just fucking put that one out, we can. Or I'll message you when I'm in Darwin. So that's what we're going to do.

I watched an episode of Line of Duty with Natalie before work instead of recording a podcast, which was really nice. And then Daniel's just sent me this. And I'm going to put it out for you now for the regular early access podcast with daniel and bart and i am going to listen to it with you i haven't listened to it back yet but you know what if everything from two woke cooks made the cut and nothing got edited out apart from the stuff that got cancelled by q and on um i'm sure i'm sure there's nothing that's going to get Daniel cancelled. And if there is, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. So, yes, on Thursday, you're going to have the bonus episode, which will be a classic Muggins and Cream,

and you're going to get your what would normally be a bonus episode today as your early access. Enjoy. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and Cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woo-hoo! cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles.

Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Ah, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Alright, and welcome back to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the road

where I was meant to do it with Kai but just the time difference is too much and I'm flying to Darwin this evening so we've got Impostor Kai Hi, I'm Impostor Kai Yeah, can you do his accent? I miss my little mummy That is what he does He does cry for his mummy on every podcast

Normally around the time we do the dad jokes he just gets so sad I miss me mum It's Bart Freeman Hi everybody, thanks for having me thanks for coming back on the well I mean

an impromptu one yeah we went to get some noodles some ramen ramen aye because

I've always felt that's a good thing about Australia is they get really good Asian food because there's so many Asian countries nearby

and there's a lot of migrants coming over that's why you get such good fucking Mexican food in America. That's true. Especially in California and stuff. And just in Scotland, we're just like, no wonder we've got no fucking cuisine.

Our only border is with England. And then over the seas, it's either Iceland where they eat fucking whale, Norwegians where they ferment fish, and then fucking Ireland, which is just us with less potatoes. You are triangulated amongst some of the most boring food countries in the world. Norwegians where they ferment fish. And then fucking Ireland, which is just us with less potatoes. You are triangulated among some of the most boring food countries in the world.

We are in the Bermuda's food triangle. The Bermuda polygon? It's a lie. Yeah. That's why I think you don't get really good equity. We get a bit of it, but we basically get all the migrants that hated England. Yeah. They just go, all right, we'll just like all the migrants that hated England. Yeah. They just go, all right, we'll just head further up north. Go north.

And we're like, oh, fucking, what is this? You've got good Indian food. And then the Scottish twist on it, which is the, what are they, munchie boxes? Munchie boxes, yeah. Which are, eat one if you're not Scottish, you will probably die of heart disease 20 minutes after. Yeah. Like munchie boxes, like it sounds like something you only order when high, which is true for me.

I don't know if I'll ever have it. But there are just so many people that are just like, that's my Friday, Saturday night, you get a munchie box. Sounds like what a bogan woman would call her pussy. Come here and fucking hook into me munchie box. Come on, just fucking lick me fucking face. If you go deep enough,

you might actually find a sausage roll. Come. Oh, I'm going to come. come oh I'm gonna come oh I'm gonna come oh I'm gonna fucking squirt oh fucking back off I might shit

when I come I should've I should've fucking dropped one off of the pool before we fucked you know watch take a finger

up there just plug it shut keep it up there it's the boy with the finger in the knot dyke so for those that don't know what I'm talking about it's a fucking tasty pussy I've not fucking shaved it in a while

but come on it's been a fucking long time where am I going to get it where am I going to get it I haven't fucking shaved it in a while, but come on. It's been a fucking long time. Extra fibre, mate. Where am I going to get it fucking waxed? Yeah. Mate, I won't get it waxed so you can floss while you eat. Dental hygiene is more important to me than vaginal hygiene, as you'll quickly find out.

What, you're not going down on me? What are you, a poof? Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum. find out what you're not going down on me what are you poof so it contains chicken piccola chips I'm still talking about this is true

for both munchie boxes keeping it culinary yeah yeah it's well that's I'm glad you

tried the munchie box you're amazing you're a good foodie because your stance with food is, I'll fucking eat whatever it is. It's good shit. Yeah.

Like, you get so many people that when they would go to another place, like, I'll only eat in the fucking best restaurants there. You're like, I want to see what shit the locals eat when they're drunk. Yeah. Like, that's... Out of the bin. Yeah, the stuff they throw away the stuff yeah the shit that is like this is what everybody eats and it's good yeah it's not i i hate people that elevate food

because it's literally all you it's one of the basic things you need as an organism yeah to put to make it look like it's something more than that you're like no no it's just yeah we're staying we're gonna have a good time doing it but we're just staying alive eating it. Yeah. Yeah. So chicken pakora. Chicken pakora. Like onion bajis. Onion bajis, I feel are like a real mainstay of Scottish society. Yeah.

Well, that's, that's a vegetable thing. So that we're genuinely like. That's what's holding scurvy off the whole country. I think we just, I think we just stopped testing for scurvy because we were like it's just assumed at this point you're fine yeah yeah look you're gonna look if you make it to 50 you'll walk funny yeah at that point bravo doesn't matter bhaji is a great word bhaji bhaji like what is it what is it even i don't know man like because when you find out especially the uk like all of the uk's favorite like indian cuisines are not indian at all like they don't eat man because when you find out especially the UK like all of the UK's favourite like

Indian cuisines are not Indian at all like they don't eat them in India like kormas don't exist there they're just like it's only you

that fucking eat this and we just had to make it up because you can't can't handle our levels of spice how polite is a culture

that when they take their food that they love to another country they'll change it until until the until the idea is a culture that when they take their food that they love to another country, they'll change it until the... Until the idiots go like, this is all right. I actually quite like this.

It's like just a recipe that's been in your family for 60 fucking years and you're just cooking it away. And they're like, it's a bit too spicy, mate. Oh, it starts to have strange flavour. So any chance you could fucking put some coconut milk in this what is this it's coconut milk

and tomato oh me fucking arse has got to be tatted tomorrow I feel like I'm travelling all over the world

this is definitely not a biscuit that's what this is where did you get the fatty potato from and then you're just like a single

tear rolling down their face. Like the, the ghosts of all their ancestors being, please don't bring any more dishonor on this family. As he just has to open up another tin of coconut milk. Just less spices in. I'm just,

please, I'm trying to assimilate ancestors. I'm just saying, I'm doing this for the good of the family. Seven liters of coconut milk to one spoonful of cardamom. It's natroth... Is it natrothathy? What is it?

Oh, homeopathy. Homeopathy where they do like the trace element of a thing in water and then sell it to you for 50 bucks. That's Indian food in the UK. I went... I mean, there's so many

great ramen places in Melbourne but I went to one and they had one which was called like the fucking Godfire ramen now I've always been

a fucking spice wuss right yeah like was never fucking good with spice at all until I started shagging Cara because she will

fucking she will put cayenne pepper in anything spicy yeah yeah we have like spicy lasagna which I know

people just go spicy lasagna it's absolutely it's my favourite meal like I could I could never go back to normal lasagna after this I'm just like what lasagna it's absolutely it's my favourite meal like I could I could never go back to normal lasagna after this

I'm just like what is this fucking weak sauce she's moving you closer to that's a spicy meatball love oh it's that maybe that's what

she is she's got a plan that's all she's wanted she hears this and goes fuck it's so close that's a spicy lasagna she rubs her fingers

together we're getting closer mama mia mama mia it's a spicy lasagna. Yeah, she rubs her fingers together. We're getting closer. Mamma mia. Mamma mia. It's a spicy meatball. She's just... Look, she really wanted an Italian boyfriend, but none of them go to Aberdeen,

so she's just had to settle. Oh, fucking Italian and Aberdeen. Oh, God. Yeah, wouldn't fucking go well. So she's put she's like put spices in so much things like fucking any pastas

any fucking stuff so my tolerance has absolutely gone up like gone up and but I walked into this place and I was like

can I have the Godfire ramen and I get up and it's like I'm confident at the time they're like there's four levels of spice one two three or four

and I'm like I know like I want to say four because I'm not going to handle it but also that's like a, that's their four? Yeah. Like a white person's four. The conversion's not the same.

Yeah, no, not at all. It's like dog years to human years. Like it's a difference of seven. It's four zeros at the end of a 10. And so I went up and I was just like, I was just like, two, please. And they gave me that. And it was genuinely all right to the point where I was like,

but if I went back in and did a four, would they, in my head, I'm like, that's a fucking cunt. Man, four means they go into the kitchen and they go, let's fuck this dumb white cunt up. Yeah, what a fuck. How dare he walk into our fucking restaurant? It's a culinary way to exercise your white guilt.

You just go you just go into any restaurant run by non-white people you're like just fuck me up I deserve it I'll pay you $25 make me cry this is reparations please I'm gonna

just shit weird for a week the other side of it I think is hilarious which is you know white franchises it is a kfc the whitest franchise absolutely actually built on whiteness yeah right which is not built on whiteness at all but let's not go into that yes yes um they have the the supercharged sauce which is spicy it's a it's probably a one out of four to the ramen scale i remember going into a cave scene being like can i get some a burger i'll get a burger and the the the pre-teen or the teen you would have just been tipping over to teenage greasy boy was like oh yeah you reckon you can handle the supercharged sauce like as if like this is a jackass episode where I'm going to taste it and be like,

oh no, I'm dead. Just like immediately shitting fire. I was having his friends like joints off and this fucking white loser thought he was going to be able. Dumb cunt gets wrecked. One million views. And it's just mildly peppery mayonnaise and he's just looking do you do like yeah how's what's your spice tolerance i think i've gone down over the years

but there was a period where i was up a bit because i was working at a uh indian restaurant in brisbane called the banyan tree which is fancy enough that white people were serving okay white people in the front brown people in the back as it should be they're making the food and i'm being as far away from the food as possible we're serving it but yeah we'll transport it the fucking chef was good like it was a very good restaurant and they used to make stuffed dinners afterwards and it was hot as fuck and i over a couple months i got used to it so i genuinely enjoyed what i'd say is a high level of spice for someone of my skin color yeah i was in there and then it's subsequently gone down where i would be fine with

chilies in my stuff like a like a seven out of ten maybe but i'd never go godfire i was godfire like i think it was like it was red they kind of just gave it wasn't it wasn't the spiciest thing but there's something questionable about when a food becomes a challenge to your masculinity oh yeah like what like can you fit it up your ass yeah like what will it make you come yeah like that's the ultimate test it up your ass yeah like will it make you cum yeah like that's the

ultimate test if it's not corn dog shape I'm not eating if this soup doesn't have a wig on I don't think

I'm gonna be able to fuck it I know somebody else has sloppy seconds and I just can't

I can't do it right now yeah I've never I've got a lot of toxic masculinity in my fucking life like when it comes to like

booze or drugs and like I'm becoming toxic I'll be like I'll do fucking more than anyone else in this fucking situation but I've always been good with like when they're like

you can't eat this burger I'm like you know what I bet I can I bet it sounds absolutely reasonable I'd sub it off I can't do it

so your toxic masculinity is solely based around toxins yes yeah my toxic toxic masculinity is solely based around toxins yes yeah my toxic toxic mask about it's that and like that you could let this snake bite you eight times like i'll let it bite me nine times yeah yeah yeah and then i'll bite the fucking cut itself yeah yeah i know it's venomous but let's check if it's poisonous and that's the important distinction just for everyone out there it's true it's true It's venomous as if it bites you, you die. You get it.

And poisonous as if you bite it, you die. Yeah, you die. You need a double whammy, so you die together. Yeah. Romeo and Juliet. A suicide pact with a snake. I think it's pronounced suicide pact. Sorry about that.

No, don't worry. This is the perfect podcast for it trust me Luke this is something that comes up on our podcast a lot you told a joke there and I enjoyed it and laughed Kai for the past several episodes that we've done has finally after four years of doing this podcast has been called out for like

never listening to any of the jokes I tell on the podcast he will lit like I'll be talking and I'll say something funny and he's just staring at me like playing the sentence he's about to do in his head he's got it cued up yeah he's not and then now that him and Natalie because Natalie normally listens to the podcast on her way to work and stuff so she he'd never listened to it fucking back yeah but now that they're you know he's they're having breakfast together every morning and you know he's not working at the moment. They're listening to the podcast

and he's just finally hitting himself. He's like, oh, that was a funny joke. I didn't hear Sloss tell that. You were in the room with him, Cunz. You were there. Yeah. While I'm here, love you, Kai and Natalie. Miss you guys.

Wish you could come to Australia. So I could fuck you up with some spicy soup. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I think Kai's decent with spice. Or am I just being racist because Natalie's... No. Is that like an assumption?

Like, do I know if Kai? Or am I just making a very... What is the... What's the least spicy place? It's got to be somewhere in the UK. The least spicy place in the world. The least spicy place in the world has to... Imagine it's somewhere like Sussex.

Yeah. Like... Or Edinburgh. Like, we're pretty. Yeah, it's not a Sussex. Yeah. Like, oh, Edinburgh, like we're pretty. Yeah, it's not a lot of spice there. Ireland. Yeah. There's no spice in Ireland. No spice in Ireland.

There's no spice in Ireland. No. They haven't got. Worcestershire would be the spiciest thing that I have. Yeah. Which is saying a lot. And also, is that how you say it? No.

Yeah, I've got no idea. I don't know. I just black flavour sauce black what I like to call the devil's vinegar it's like it's squirting

but it came out of his dick it's not good I'm gonna Worcestershire that's pretty old I don't know how long that sauce has been around for Worcestershire sauce yeah I'd love to know how it that sauce has been around for uh which is a sauce yeah

I'd love to know how it makes it tastes like it was one of those accidental inventions like you know like booze was accidental

like someone just some monk lazy monk yeah let some shit go off it's like I'm not gonna drink it and then go

someone drank off perfume that was the oh no that was whiskey that was the initial whiskey. Oh, yeah. They were just like, this perfume smells horrific.

But boy, does it go down smooth. Oi, Macca, I bet you two of me favourite Bibles you couldn't drink that whole barrel, you poof. Just for... Thank God we have this booze now because like

all that fucking fermented goat's milk yeah you ever seen the video of the animals that get drunk off the yeah off the

the trees the fruit trees which I just think is so great like it's just like it's just it's just a creature thing of like

yeah hey that thing's that thing's poisonous poisonous like poisonous to a death level or poisonous to a whoa almost a death level what happens with the bugs and animals that eat the coca plants oh do you reckon they're just fucking wired it's just it's the only gazelle that can outrun a lion

just set up a small entrepreneurial business selling crypto in the Colombian jungle. Yeah. It's just, I reckon there are a lot of, like, there are very few meat-eating predators in the mountains of Mexico. Just because all of the leafy ones are just buzzed to fuck. Every Jaguar in the Amazon is a real estate agent. Has to shop in KFC. It's like, I couldn't catch any of it.

Like, they're all in gear. They're so fast. You know, they creep across to kill the crocodile. Have you seen the jaguar swim across the river

and they just fucking take a crocodile? They're not killing it. They're taking it back to an open house. Honestly, I don't know why you cunts live in this river.

Have a look at, it's a caiman i think whatever that yeah and it's like oh but look at the it's not been coming but it's a beautiful my fucking back of my neck is bleeding jesus christ have some of these leaves the crocodile's like i'm gonna be a dentist just rubbing the cook into his gums takes hours but by the end of it hobo it's an overdose yeah

I need another bag speaking of crocodiles me and Gene are swimming with crocodiles tomorrow in a sense oh yeah you are swimming with crocodiles

yeah well because we were going to Darwin for the first time and we were like George my agent over here I don the god the Papa Roach. He is a god he's a legend. He I was like we're gonna meet you know probably just go like fucking in the

sea swimming in Darwin he's like you're not. No it's a lot of danger. Yeah everyone in Australia if you say if you want to see an Australian immediately raise their eyebrows and correct you just say yeah we're going to Darwin and we're going

to go swimming in the sea and they're like oh can't do this oh mate it's jellyfish box jellyfish are by far the worst

yeah the most terrifying box jellyfish and they're shaped like boxes munchy box jellyfish eat my pussy it'll fucking sting you

But guess what? If it stings you can just pee on it Come on I'm gonna squiiiit Squiiit squiiit Man I didn't pee on it I fucking came on it Is that how you get rid of the box jellyfish? You've got to I've got to cum on this we're gonna need more men It's bukkake or death

It's where it came from's a bukkake or death it's where it came from that's that yeah it was the original bukkake actually stemmed from a bunch of people swimming in the sea with getting stung by box jellyfish without condoms without you without condoms going in raw dog raw dogging the sea they got the raw dogging the big c raw dogging yeah um the big c words and they got stung and then they just had to be pee didn't work they had to go for

cum which I don't know if there's any doctors out there to confirm this but cum is just concentrated pee yeah

same pipe but it's been aged yeah that's all barrel aged urine yeah it's like the difference

between like red wine and port like it's all the same thing it's just dude yeah everything's the same port. It's all the same thing. It's just... Yeah, everything's the same. Man, so you're going to fucking swim with them? Well, we're not.

It's a cage that we go in and it's underwater. And they feed the crocs around you. You're prick-teasing the crocodiles. Absolutely, yeah, yeah. It's like if we... I'm going to go into there and I'm just going to rub butter on myself. Yeah, yeah. It's like if we... I'm going to go into there

and I'm just going to rub butter on myself. It's like if we're eating and someone just puts a steak in a cage in front of us. Yeah, just, yeah. And we're like, what can we... Get this. It's like getting at a seafood restaurant and it's just a lobster in a tube.

Yeah. Just like sexy dance with a bikini on. Why has that lobster got a GoPro on? It's just... It's the opposite of the seafood restaurants where you pick. It's just they're taunting you.

I want to taunt those motherfuckers. They're there to watch us eat. It is. It's a lobster restaurant where you're the lobster. Why is it only emus that Australia went to war with? Of all the other animals in your country that need to fucking die.

The real war was the rabbits. Yeah? Myxomatosis, dude. Is that what, like, that was the... So we brought them over. Yeah. Bad move. But the idea is, you know, like, they're kind of cool.

You get to eat them a bit. They're fucking, they're cute and shit. Yeah. Turns out they fuck like themselves. They do, that's right, yep. they fuck like themselves and they they fucking destroyed agriculture there was just swarms of them everywhere is this and there was also the cane toads thing i know that's still happening you're fucking us now and you're allowed to kill them you should yeah so my my sister is married to a beautiful Swedish man.

Last time I was in Queensland with him, there were two cane toads out there from my brother's place that I curb stomped to death in front of him. Then he was like, what? Why would you? I'm like, they're bad. You need to do it. Here's one.

You go. And he was like, I'm fine. So I'm like, watch me stomp it so its guts come out of its mouth but they're genuinely killing australian wildlife yeah you've got to like there was a like i remember watching a documentary on something a while ago where they were just like they were encouraging australians like if you see them on the road swerve and run them over like they are a fucking menace they're a pest yeah they're horrible you've got to you are you are literally trying to knife the ocean of what's happening.

Yeah. There's an ecological disaster happening. I've had very fond memories of a teenager when my first buddy got his license, us doing burnouts on a cane-toed corpse. Like proper Fast and Furious. Just spreading it on like it's like all the other cane-toeds right there. Too stupid to move, just getting sprayed. with their hearts but the the rabbits barking destroyed agriculture like if you look at footage which it must be the 30s i have no fucking idea it's in last century

that they they developed a disease called myxomatosis, which made them go blind first and then they would die. They proper unleashed the plague, like a man-made plague. Oh, was myxomatosis man-made? Yes. Oh. It was engineered. So that's the rabbits COVID-19. That is.

And we're the... Yeah, that's their Wuhan. For God's sake. So we did do chemical warfare. We just did it on rabbits yeah we did full biological like very unnecessary to make them blind first but i guess that's just easier to hit with a bat or something no it's just one of the side effects oh so they go blind and then they die quickly after but now even now if you have a pet rabbit there's a chance it'll get myxomatosis and die still because of that i just i didn't know it

was a man-made disease yeah i people may correct me but i'm 99 sure that i'm not gonna fucking correct you yeah there are so many animals in this country they need to die i've been staying at gene and ennickston and coogee bay and there is a type of bird in australia that does an impression of an alarm clock between 3 and 4am and I don't know if it's like is it a kookaburra I'm like

I've got no idea all I know is like every morning when I was staying at hers it would be like 5am and just a bird would go boop

boop boop boop and then another one in the distance would hear it and be like oh fucking it's alarm clock time and they would just

boop constantly back and forth and I'm just sitting there going if these animals existed in Scotland they would be extinct they wouldn't like it would take one bird outside of one fucking council flat in Glasgow and every single one of us would be like right this bird is now a fucking delicacy yeah it's the new fucking haggis we're hunting them to extinction dead to head butts yeah just just Glaswegians on trampolines

just headbutting birds out of the air being like fucking take that like you know you watch all this David Attenborough talking like the

great one about humans about the tribes out in the rainforest who would like climb up a fucking tree and they just like get all the like raw honey from all the

bees up there but like the Glasgow version it's just them going up and just headbutting a fucking nest of these things

just coming down with like scrambled eggs on their head being like doing it for the fucking city mate it lands on a barbecue they're like

yeah this is ours fuck man there's enough yeah I think there's Australia's got a lot of animals

that are just cunts yeah and they're just so allowed to exist. Yeah. Because in Australia originally,

you used to have a lot of really large fucking fauna. Oh, we're talking mega fauna. Like thousands and thousands of years ago. Is that thousands of years? I thought it was like the last decade. How long have the dinosaurs been gone for? A couple of weeks. I think they're still here.

Well, you can fucking see who's on the board at some of these fucking festivals. They're just politicians. Bunch of fat cats. Running shit from Canberra. Yeah. Yeah, so real big. We're talking like millions of years ago. Mega fauna.

Well, no, because I know humans hunted them to death. So 60,000. So 60,000, yeah. megafauna well no because i know humans hunted them to death like 60 000 so 60 000 yeah there was like a lot of like they were really like just bigger versions of the animals they've got now like wolves way bigger massive birds massive birds massive pigs massive like and we're talking like the size of fucking humans massive pigs are kind of the size of humans already yeah well i mean like like not if they're like standing yeah Standing pigs? Yeah. Walking pigs? There's bloody walking pigs all over the place now, mate. But yeah, fuck, as they work in the fucking bullet...

This is all of their uniforms holding us down. Why do we call them pigs? Why do we call them police pigs? I don't know. Police Inspector Gadget. That's an acronym. Is it? I don't know. It's definitely not Police Inspector Gadget. That's an acronym. Is it? I don't know.

It's definitely not Police Inspector Gadget. It's because they were greedy gutters. Greedy for justice? What? Yeah, I have no idea where that came from. One of my favourites is Grunt Grunt Copper Cunt. I've never heard that one. Grunt Grunt Copper Cunt.

Yeah, that's great. That's a good Aussie run corporate gun yeah that's great that's a good that's a good Aussie I'm sure that's Aussie fuck on Aussie yes aye yeah no

the yeah the pig so yeah megafauna we're talking last hundred thousand years yeah the aboriginals they sort of like

they were like we'll keep a good balance with these creatures or maybe they were the ones that hunted they've got well there were none I don't know what happened when we got there i wasn't there oh i well when did

when did when did we come over and ruin 17 oh then way before that yeah so yeah yeah that was just the other day like i didn't i don't know what the name of the like the racist party in australia was like you got every country it's australia want to. It's Australia. But there's a party and it's the racist party of Australia and it's called Reclaim Australia. And you're like, you know that... This was never yours.

Like just a name that objectively ignores history. It doesn't even think that anything happened before they were forewarned, to be honest. Like you could have a Reclaim Australia party but nobody on the board of that's allowed to be white like that's not white party there's no unless it is how is your name tony and you're in the reclaim australia party unless they are genuinely going hey we need to give it back which fucking yeah yeah which is what paul keating was renowned for passing marbo which is saying Paul Keating was renowned for passing Marlborough, which is saying that Aboriginal people have a right to land.

That was in the 80s? And he got massive pushback from white Australia going, nah, fucking, what about us? And you're like, no, we took it. Yeah, they were supposed to. We forcibly took it. Yeah. I think they should be allowed to have some land.

No, I need land. Shut up, cunt. But we gave them a day. Yeah. We gave them a day where we were like hey we love you we miss you that lip service is pretty synonymous

with the modern world isn't it yeah hey guys shit's a bit off but let's wear a colour yeah sorry we did that thing to you

that does a little budge and a weak feel why are you still upset I don't understand fine we'll make it a month I wore a purple hat for you like I told you

no I'm absolutely profiting still and benefiting off what my ancestors did. Genocide? Well, how about we do a charity? Whoopsie daisy. It's fucking lots of that, isn't it? I'd say we've fucked up rabbits

and then out of the native species, we're culling kangaroos on a scale that is not enough like there's too many really? yeah I think there's a point where there's areas where kangaroos are

I don't know enough about this but they're just because of agriculture they've been able to spread there's more grassland so they can breed easier they're like too close to human for me to feel comfortable

they are pretty much people they're on two legs and I'm like... Well, most, some of the time. It's like when the episode of Simpsons where the dolphins come out of the water. And you're like, you know. Yeah. Like the second they, if they could walk, they're too close to us and we gotta... Have you eaten them?

Kangaroo. Kangaroo's fucking delicious. Like it's really, really nice meat. So if you eat kangaroo, i think it's almost 100 chance it's been shot yeah that's how they get them they actually hunt them still there's no they're wild in areas and they just cruise around in utes shooting kangaroos i imagine like it would like you've got to hit a vital part of a fucking kangaroo for it to yeah it's not like a bird where you can just fucking hit any part of a bird and it'll explode tail is the is that's where all the good stuff is

that's the good kangaroo dick balls heart liver it's all in the tail man that's all the good bits um man i think yeah well dudes are pretty good shots they just ax them remember that fucking meme that went around on the Twitter for a while when they were talking about gun control and some guy was like, what if you get rid of all your rifles, what am I going to do about the 40-60 Wild Hogs? Oh my God, do you remember that meme?

I don't remember that. That sounds awesome. Oh, right. So basically what happened was just like, there'd been another mass shooting in America and all the liberals were online going, we need to have gun reform. There's no reason to have an AR-15

and some guy replied being like no reason to have an AR-15 what am I supposed to do when my kids are playing in the garden and 45 to 60 feral hogs turn up and it was such like a specific number yeah it's great

like so the internet obviously went buck wild like this is fucking insane 45 to 60 but it turns out like the guy who did that fucking tweet, I heard him on a podcast one and he was dead sound

because he was just like, he was like, yeah, man, I phrased that fucking weird. Yeah. But the point I was trying to make was, like,

there's parts of, like, Texas where there's just feral hogs and they are, they're an infestation. The same here. Yeah,

yeah. And like, and the only way to get rid of them is to fly around with a helicopter with a like ar-15 sniper rifle but you need to be able to like literally mow these fucking things down and you know it's like so it then turned into an argument of like this is the problem with like the left of america as they go look there's no reason why would anyone need a gun and there's a farmer going because otherwise it'll eat all my crops i'm gonna starve to death it's a both both those arguments are valid the control thing i get which

is just like let's make it a little bit harder to get those things yeah let's like you know just one background check yeah just like a what like three ask them their name yeah like just for the man guns in walmart i don't know if you go to walmart when you're in the states it's fucking sick they're so massive but you can in california you can just get air rifles yeah so me and a buddy last time we did a road trip through america we almost bought a pink sniper rifle air rifle in walmart and we were just going to shoot it when we go places and i'm like it's just not a good idea to probably have a gun looking thing yeah as traveller oh I don't think they genuinely don't give a shit my dad was telling me a story when he was younger he was visiting some friends in America

and they were driving back from a bar one night and the police fucking pulled them over and he was like you got any guns in the car the guy was like yeah we got a couple of rifles in the back. There's a sniper there.

There's a pistol in the glove compartment. There's a shotgun under the thing in the back. And the police officer was like, OK, you been drinking tonight? And they're like, no. He's like, OK, on your way. And you're like, what happened? You would have been arrested if you didn't have guns. Yeah, they're like, OK, how well.

Now that you don't have any guns, we're clearly just going to mug you. I'm not the police. So you don't have any guns in the car so we're just going to give you this police gun to hold on to in the car there has to be a gun in the car at all times that's just this is Texas

and we take laws to their absolute limit fucking do you have you ever fired a gun yes sick it's fucking sick

it is good but it's also it's scary it's terrifying how actually accurate you are like the first time me and Kai fired a pistol in fucking Vegas right

and I was like I got four out of five headshots there and I've never held a gun in my life it should not be that easy how far you were like

ten metres oh I was like right up at the man you were manic it wasn't manic you were in a gap clothing huh

what oh shit those are real women oh well I mean i got a discount so and i've never seen you come harder um yeah i mean i think it was like a distance of like 30 or 40 years but even then like a fair enough better way that you're like i should not be able to this little finger movement yeah should not be enough to ever kill a human it should just be to scratch

that's all Sloss is doing he just looks like he could be scratching or fingering yeah fingering someone's first time being fingered there's only one finger I can't imagine any real woman enjoys a one woman fingering bigger guns had bigger triggers

where you ended up having to fist the trigger that is how grenade launchers should work it should just be like a big hole and you just and you don't it doesn't happen straight away you've got to work it for five ten minutes oh man so i've gotten to fire yeah so i've got to fire a few yeah i've got to fire like a variety of them and that whole thing like historically it used to be archery was king for ages right

yeah yeah the Mongolians wrecked shit all over the world and they trained their whole lives to shoot and ride on a horse and then they invented gunpowder and guns and cunts who had just

been around for two weeks could just kill yeah a Mongolian everything fucking changed like we see all these people like we're the greatest warriors and you're like

no no I can kill you from 50 yards away probably my son can do it now yeah yeah accidentally a regular person can accidentally kill a samurai that trained for 50 years and now it's sort of level

what's the terrifying thing about it is a kid can get their hands on a thing and use it effectively, which is a great tool, to be honest, if a kid can use it, but not good for life. I mean, I don't think they'll ever... I mean, they'll just never get rid of them in America. Like, I just think it's too...

Even though, like, 65% of the country is like, we should not necessarily get rid of them, but we should at least put some restrictions on them. Yeah, I don't think they should ever get is like we should not necessarily get rid of them but we should at least put some restrictions on yeah i don't think they should ever get they don't have to get rid of them they just have to make it a lot harder to have them yeah or just to man it should be like a look to drive a fucking car i mean this is a bad example well it's a good example for the rest of the world until you do the american driving test which is forward reverse congratulations here's your fucking license. Which is why every American in the world

is a fucking horrendous driver. And yes, even you listening to this. Doesn't matter what part of America you're from, that is true across the board. Your driving test is turn around a fucking corner, you're 15 years old, congratulations, go drive a fucking truck. Can you hold a venti latte and turn a corner?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can you text your mum, can't talk, driving with one thumb? Is that a great idea for a racing series where they put them in regular cars and they have to text and do all these different tasks while they're driving around a track? Oh, so it's like, yeah, they've got to text somebody like the full works of, one of the full works of honey pot they've got to have

a conversation where everything makes sense and maybe do some some kind of calculations while drinking something

while maybe doing another thing doing their hair or breastfeeding breastfeeding or yeah cooking something I don't know

like and then just them and they've got to go as fast as possible around the track it's yeah that's got to be

one of the ones where like you've got the you've got the other guy in the car giving you directions about the thing but he's also helping like he's the he's the other person that's playing snap with you at one point i would actually watch that formula one's fine but that's no distractions as fast as you can this is ultimate distractions as fast as you can hi you've also got to have your kids in the back let's go yeah yeah you've got to have kids you either you either make your own or you borrow some you to have your kids in the back let's go you've got to have kids you either make your own or you borrow some

you borrow someone's kids and maybe I don't know what permanently borrowing is stealing the winner is the person whose kids graduate it's a long race it's very long

you've got to just stay on the track they refill the car like they do with airplanes. Yeah. Just a slow, like a slight, slightly slower Subaru turns up. They feed it. And that's it. He's texting them. That's how they organize it.

Nearly there. Your kid, your least favorite has got to lean out the window. Get the tube. Oh. We're back. We're back. It's just a small. Yeah. So you're talking like a mid-drive you've got a you've got to order an uber to bring you petrol and pour it into your

car yeah fuck yeah and and also deliver it that's delivering you the food oh yeah and also most the time they get the order wrong and you have to make sure like you've got to double check you've been like it was pork yoses right like yeah yeah you're like these are these are chicken wines and you have to make sure, like, you've got to double check. You've been like, it was pork yoses, right? You're like, yeah, yeah. You're like, these are chicken wings, and this is a sun kiss, not a Fanta. Yeah. And they're like, okay, well, we'll come back. And you're like, you better.

Like, it's, you want five stars, you fucker. This is an 18-year race. I accidentally had a kid with my wife in this, and I've got to wait until they're all in uni. That's the... Fuck, that would be sick. And everyone's driving at about 50 kilometers an hour yeah it's but it's it's oh and it's the rules from speed like if you like there's a bomb

on the car yeah and if you drop below it it's over for all of you oh this is escalating to a point which i love this is have we just i think we've just rewritten the movie death race i think that's what's just happened man but it's life race because you've got to have kids you gotta have a family all that sort of stuff it's the race of life the race of life and death yeah and as you see like you you join it in a new camry and you see like a 1915 like model t ford and you're like oh and this skeletal man you're like for the champion he's churning his own butter he's got a farm like Noah's Ark just funnels it himself I've been sponsored by BP fuck that's the best spot so you can get that I fucking made the company no he is getting fossil fuels from some of his old animals that have been compressed

yeah it's just a little into the shale beds he's got uh he's got like the composter yeah it's like the uh bio yeah the bio biodiesel biodiesel yeah sure i mean yeah my mom's an expert on this stuff i should fucking know she knows that yeah it'd be so much better if like it's really annoying that the only thing we pass down through our genes is like you know you, anxiety and depression and obesity. It'd be great if you could just pass on your degree. Oh man, if you, the idea of having, is it hereditary memory? Is that the right word for it?

I have no idea. Like if you, if you had the memory and knowledge of your ancestors. Yeah. Yeah. Like, like a lot of animals do. That's what instincts are. Like you, it would, it would, would yeah it would be a completely different game it would be less

history repeating but I don't know how you would deal with that generational trauma which is would it actually exist yeah also like what did they pass through

maybe like your grand or your great grand's favourite memory was being railed yeah and like that's just the memory

that's in your head all the time that's what you want and then you and you recognise your grandad too like there's there's photos of him he held you when you were your granddad too like there's there's photos of him

he held you when you were one you don't remember but everyone still shows you the pictures there's probably a I mean our brains just aren't developed enough

when we were when we're one till zero to four yeah I don't know when your earliest memory is like a couple of weeks ago second thing ever welcome to the world I've got a real weed problem yeah so my earliest memory Like a couple of weeks ago. It's the year.

Welcome to the world. I've got a real weed problem. Yeah. So my earliest memory. Like I know I love Cara, but I have no idea where she came from. She's just appeared. Yeah. She's been in my life as long as I can remember.

Unfortunately, that's a year. It's memento too. Christopher Nolan's ears are tingling. But I think if you could remember everything from when you were born it might be a bit a little

bit rattling you don't want to remember being you know you know coming out of your yeah out of the vagina that's not

maybe it's fun no I mean that's why you cry after there's nothing fun about it well you cry because it's over oh

you just come out you realize that's the last time you'll touch a pussy? Yeah, like you're sad that it wasn't a longer pussy tunnel. You're like... You're like, I waited nine months for that? It was over like that? Dude, I was expecting at least six or seven metres of pussy. That's why all babies who are cesarean are raging.

They're like like fucking what the ride's broken for nine months and I didn't get to go through the

pussy tube this is so fucking bullshit the pussy tube I think that's the scientific

yeah so they go to the husband he's like fretting in the waiting room. They're like, there's a problem with your wife's pussy tube. Are you a real doctor? Yeah, I'm the head surgeon here.

Are you sure? You've just got to the... I'm sorry. I understand you're under a lot of stress. But I studied for eight years. And I'm the expert in this hospital of pussy tubes. And I'm telling you that your wife's one is fucked. It's no good.

It's no good. The old pussy tube doctor. I've got a degree in pussy tube philosophy. I studied for ology. It'd be an ology. Pussy tube ology. Pussy tube ologist. So the tube's just not big enough.

It's just not big enough for the baby. You've got a real big boy in there. You've got a real chewy pussy tube. And it's just not great for a home birth. So we've got somebody that can come in and stretch and elongate your pussy tube and it's just not it's not great for a home birth so we've got somebody that can come in and stretch an elongator pussy tube

but it's mucho expensive here in the United States it's going to cost you a few dineros if you know what I'm saying someone just rocks up

with a kid's slippery slide and starts jamming it up it puts it in and then starts like so you just it's like Someone just rocks up with a kid's slippery slide and starts jamming it up. It puts it out and then starts. It's like, it's the pussy version. It's the pussy version of a spacer. And it just makes.

Oh, man. Well, we're not doctors. We are not doctors. Oh, right. Do you have anything to plug? Uh, no. Not good. No, no.

Me neither. Oh, wait. Oh, yes, I do. You've no yes I do oh fucking Christ just messaged I'm up be ready to do a pod at 8 I'm going to have to fucking text him and tell him that we've just done one because I'm travelling for the rest of the day yeah I got just Instagram and

Bart Loll yeah B-A-R-T-L-O-L Australia I'm doing I'm in Darwin I don't know if you've got any listeners in Darwin but it's not sold out

and the reason I know it's not sold out is because they keep asking me to do press and that's never a good time also there's an extra Melbourne show at the Hamer Hall

on the 4th and the Sydney one at some fucking point Google it alright your dad wears a Veruca sock to bed. Great.

Your dad keeps his old toupees in a safe. My dad's Moira from Schitt's Creek. Yeah. Your dad hums Carly Rae Jepsen songs while he wanks. Your dad calls his moustache your mum's cunt broom. Your dad calls his moustache your mum's cunt broom.

Just off upstairs to do some sweeping, boyo. It's a bit dusty, if you know what I mean. Your dad's big toe is his smallest toe. And his dreams of being a ballet. Quickly milks. Your dad's only Google search is, where do Chinese people come from? But he still, he jokes every day. He's not satisfied with his answer.

He's just waiting for more information. He's like, hey, they seem confident, but I'll update this as we go along. One of your dad's nipples is an innie, the other is an outie, and the third gets hard when I take my shoes off. That's great. Vestigial. Your dad's favourite Marvel character is Michael Keaton's Batman.

Your dad uses a typewriter to send death threats to female voice actors who he feels have spurned him. Oh, man. Your dad is so good at farting he was born with a silver spoon up his arse. I'm out. I have one more. Go on. Your dad loves his stepladder more than his regular ladder.

Oh, what fun very nice thanks for having me mate oh thanks for coming on I don't know why I'm waving to the podcast bye we're waving