Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.17 This is my Jongleurs

Episode Date: April 28, 2021

After trying other people in the shape of Elliot and Bart, Muggins and Cream passionately get back together for this week's regular poddy to talk about tricky crowds, stoned slip ups and why you could never marry a scouser

Yo, yo, yo, welcome back to Sloss and Humphreys on the Road with me, Kai Humphreys, and he, Daniel Sloss. Classic Muggins and Cream episode for you here. We'll have a good old catch-up straight after Newcastle beat Liverpool 1-1. I was on my way to being drunk. I was a little bit giddy, I'll give you that. Daniel was on good form. We had a nice night. We talked about comedy because he's back doing gigs and we talked about tricky audiences. Talked a little bit talk a little bit of shop remember we used to be comedians um also talking about how i've been

getting back into my pot i've been smoking a little bit of the wacky backy and some of the some of the mistakes i've made i've made while i've been high which is fun um we're talking about tom walker raiding me on twitch with 300 people while i was grieving look we're talking about Tom Walker Raiding me on Twitch with 300 people While I was grieving Look we're talking about a lot of things Go out there and enjoy it Because this is your Junglers the clit inside your head that makes you laugh? Woo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park.

Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? All right, mate. And then we'll also... Oh, no, no, we'll do a clap as well,

just in case that makes it easier for you to hit it. Aye. I think we're synchronised. I'm just in case that makes it easy for you to edit aye i think we're synchronized i'm just gonna leave all that in all right that's fair like let let let them peek behind the curtain which they've never had the chance to do before normally it's such a streamlined thing that i think that might be like a nice little i just bonus it's like when you see the outtakes for south park and you're like oh i guess they're just regular people I just like that I just like that he has to bleed as well right off the top you know just a little bit of blood

trickling down the neck under the headphones nice, nice start how has the last ten minutes of your life been? mate I need a cig I don't smoke I want a cigarette I'm a little bit tipsy as well I haven't smoke I want a cigarette I'm fucking

I'm a little bit tipsy as well I haven't watched I had so just to update people I Newcastle have literally just finished playing Liverpool

that's why I like the podcast the best team in the fucking world we've just been fucking fucking fucking fucking

Gerrard I want to look like Gerard. He's got to look. I mean, they must, like, look, they must have to fuck each other because there's no way anyone outside of that is fucking that accent. That's the only reason Merseyside still exists.

If you haven't got a Scouse accent, you're not going out with a Scouse on it. You're not putting yourself through that for no fucking reason. Like, you're mate for a bit. Right? You're mate for a bit. You know what? Just got a pretty fierce and nice legs.

I'll carry on that. But you know, once you get used to it. You're not. You're not. I can't put a baby in that because I can't hold something that calls me daddy or whatever. To death till I part. Me fucking da.

Me fucking da. Oh, I can't. I don't think I love you. I want to suck your dick. I like blowjobs, but you've just ruined it. I want to suck your dick. Get your cock out. Six McChicken nuggets in a crunchy McFlurry. it anyway I've had a couple of drinks we beat Liverpool we didn't beat them

we won 1-1 we won 1-1 1-1 we won 1 it was 1-1. 1. We won 1. It was 1-0 to Liverpool. Our goalkeeper. For the longest time.

And then we won 1-1. It's a Pete Holmes sketch. It's a fucking real, it's a real life Pete Holmes sketch. It was 1-1 for the longest time and then we won 1-1. We won 1-1. Nothing to do with Pete Holmes' bet. It just 1-1 for the longest time and then we won 1-1. Nothing to do with Pete Holmes' bid.

Just facts. So, Daniel, I'll tell you what happened. I feel like we've been talking about football more and more on the podcast. People that listen to this podcast are not interested in football. But look, Bill Baird... I think about six of them are. Bill Baird talks about think about six of them are. Bill Baird does it. Bill Baird talks about NFL.

Aye. So, we scored and equalised on the 93rd minute, Daniel. And I jumped around like fucking mad, right? Is Colin at yours? Yeah, hi. In the scotomy. How do you get... Mate, how do you get him out of your house?

Now that he's in... Well, what you do is... Now that he's in, that he's in I do that well welcome to Colin Tag he's yours now motherfucker I'm going to have to edit out so much ambient noise from this fucking podcast because I can hear him scuttling through the vents

I didn't even know I had vents how did he take it when you were just like oh by the way I'm just going to do a podcast which you've been on by the way and it's with your mate but just stay in that other room please literally invited him and went

mate I just need a breather the thing is he could have also just been on this podcast I know but you could have just been oh what we'll just put a share a pair of

fucking headphones they're not one yeah each headphones I'd had to put them in like that oh do you not have speakers aye but then me mic would pick it up oh yeah Daniel technical stuff a pair of fucking headphones. They're not one, yeah, each headphones. I'd have to put them in like that. Oh, do you not have speakers? Aye,

but then we make would pick it up. Oh, Daniel, technical stuff, isn't it? Technical stuff. You've not got a wee

fucking, a wee aux splitter. That would work, aye. But however, I wouldn't give us excuses to get them on. I'll take another one with him.

I'll take another one with him where I just gaslight him for an hour. How about that? I'll just psychologically abuse him for an hour. Aye, well, I mean, I'd like to one with him where I just gaslight him for an hour. How about that? I'll just psychologically abuse him for an hour. I will. I mean, I'd like to listen to it.

You might even sign up to Patreon for that one. You haven't been able to listen to the Patreon episodes. I realised when I was on with Elliot, I said, Danny wouldn't even be able to listen to this. He hasn't asked us for the password. He's not getting anything. He hasn't listened to one I've done with Mark. Also, I'm not paying

for me on fucking Patreon you can just log in oh but I mean I guess I could but you know

yeah maybe but look last time last time you and Elliot did a fucking podcast fucking

Sarah Pascal wrote a book about you and now you should have heard him you should have heard him going Mate, you should have heard him going on about her as well. He just wouldn't shut up.

I had to fucking tack him down. I had to rein him in, mate. I was like, fuck, mate, we're kind of playing the whole audio, like... I was like, we're kind of doing that. Could you stop having a little side podcast which is just you railing on to it back.

Because look, I can fade ignorance because I've generally not listened to any of the podcasts that you and Elliot have done. Like I listened to, I know about the conversation you had because you all fucking told me about it.

Daniel, Daniel, Daniel. I'm just going to keep going. Listen, I called her a whore. And I didn't edit it out. I just went, aye. I listened to one where you and Bart, it was lovely. What a nice, just silly podcast.

What did you call pigs? Police Inspector Gadget called the pigs something like that. I was like, oh, this is fun. This is the old, this is the vibe. I get it. I just run the podcast into the ground made and so you just go fucking incel cocks in a fucking basement gamer fucking gay these fucking broads i'll tell you another thing they're trying to get his fucking cards out

stop it but uh but on the plus plus side the listeners have got a drinking game where they have a shot every time Elliot says you know what I mean and they don't remember anything after 15 minutes nobody ever remembers what was said after that so Cullen's over to get back to the point Callum Wilson scored

an equaliser right which got Daniel it got disallowed for fucking it got disallowed because it's Liverpool

and it goes against the narrative the cunt fucking got pushed he was running with the ball through on goal right takes a shot which hits the keeper

but in the meantime he gets pushed by Trent Alexander-Arnold in the back right and which pushes him forward onto the ball which repels off his arm

which is against his chest like that right he just tucks his arms in gets pushed into the ball the ball hits his arm and then it didn't go in off his arm he still finished it right

it got disallowed for handball he couldn't do anything but handball and he got fucking manhandled by a Liverpool player got disallowed I was fucking joyous

screaming Newcastle are safe from relegation we're a point closer and all that right the fucking mental health hinges on the tune at the minute

which is bad news bad news aye that's not a club you wanted to fucking rest on almost as bad as being an Arsenal fan but the opposite is

Arsenal fans deserve every bad thing that happens and their jeopardy is like their jeopardy is like well might finish 9th and not get Europe

my jeopardy is like we're not going to be on match of the day we're going to get relegated so so I like I've noticed

a huge difference I was getting Natalie I was like I'm in such a better place within myself now that recently it's like I've just had a I was like I'm in such a better place within myself now that recently I've just had a word with myself I'm just putting

too much pressure on myself to do things when actually there's no and I'm tired of it and she was like are you not sure that's just because you fucking beat Burnley

and West Brom back to back and you saw a lot of different relegations I was like it's definitely that thanks for identifying it I give myself all the credit

so goal scores I go on fucking nuts right 93rd minute goal gets disallowed I fucking I'm ready to kill myself

and then fucking Newcastle scored again Joel Willock with an Arsenal goal old Joel Willock and me and Cullen both had a couple of quid on Joel Willock

to score 20 to 1 because he'd come off the bench oh nice so so what are you and Cullen doing for the rest of the evening then? I'm just going to try and get rid of him

I'm just going to drop loads of hints Is he staying at yours? He's staying off We're going to stay off for the UFC before you know it, it's October He's still here what UFC's on tonight?

Usman and Masvidal remember I told you I was going to do it with a full audience and then you went in Florida and I went yep in Florida yeah yeah yeah it's that one it's the one with the crowd in so man just

I'm watching it just see a crowd. Oh, man. To slightly change the subject, but speaking of crowds, the show's been going great over here, except for yesterday's later show in Sydney. Now, can I just ask you, I've not pre-prepared this with you, obviously, but what would you say

is the fucking worst type of audience member in the world? Oh, for me, it's one that is interacting, but they're not being hostile, so you can't really slam into them because if someone's like addicted to you, you're like, oh, a free pass, I can fucking take off on you. But if somebody's just having a nice time and trying to be involved, for me, that is the hardest one to defuse because you can't be mean.

Yeah, yeah. I absolutely agree with you. Curiosity, what's the second worst type of person to have in a comedy audience? Right, give us a second to mull over on this, but let us tell you the best rebuttal I've heard for the previous one that I've just mentioned. Somebody, I think it was Nick Revel, sent an audience member that was like that.

You're having a good time, but you're just enjoying yourself a bit too much to the detriment of everybody else. It's a little bit like having a shit in a pool for you. Hi, that's great. Everybody else have to get out. for you hi that's great everybody else

have to get out and I think I think that I don't think that was stuck because I've only ever heard it in that incident

so every time I've been in that position I've queued it up but then I've been like that's not yours you can't use it yeah that's definitely

it's definitely it's just not that fucking bad catalogue the other worst audience member would perhaps be um oh perhaps somebody that's like laughing i tell you who gets these audience members a lot daniel kitson gets his audience members along where they're laughing but not just because they're enjoying themselves in there in the moment because they want everybody around

them to know that they're laughing and they're like looking around like ha ha ha like almost pointing at themselves in the face ha ha ha ha i get it it's because you you do that ha ha and they're like they make their laughs like attention seeking rather than just a natural yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah it's i'm enjoying them more than you what i get all these jokes yeah I would agree with that I would also say drunk audience members are very fucking bad people that

we've still spoken about before people that whoop and cheer and just make random fucking

noises are terrible audience members and of course people that talk to each other during a show like after jokes

and discuss I had all of them all of every last one of those fuckers in my show last night in Sydney. Oh, man.

Like, so fucking, Jean and Eric are coming to the show, and they're bringing like 20 of Eric's mates. Like, they're basically their social group, right? And I'm like, I'd love, like, I want to meet these people. I want to meet who your social circle is out here. I want to meet the friends of my friends, because

you know, like, you know... Was it them that were trouble? No. Because I've had that, and that is fucking horrendous when your friends bring friends in. Oh, really? I had that in a gig in Hull

where I invited a friend. She came with her friends and just ruined it for Carl Hutchinson. And it was the friends of my friend, that fucking that spoiler. Last time I saw that person. Never saw that person

again. Fortunately, wasn't the, like all of Eric's friends and Gene's friends were absolutely fucking sound, but just man, from start to fucking finish, right, they were just drunk it shows me it started 9 15 but because it's sydney and nobody arrives on time for fucking anything because they're all australian and they're all just like oh things will start whenever we turn

up because we're the most spoiled nation on the fucking planet um show starts about fucking quarter two and they're just fucking steaming drunk. And one guy just keeps fucking whistling. Some girl just comments at the end of every single fucking joke. And now, there's many ways to deal with something like that. You can try and be funny, but my problem with people that heckle, if you answer a heckle with a funny response, that will encourage further idiots. They're like, oh, I'm going to help the show.

Like, I said something something and then he said something and then he made it funny and it was like we played a game of comedy and tennis and I helped him I'm a big fuck da da da

attention seekers get attention in other attention seekers in the audience see it as a route that you can take yep and

and what that can lead you down to is it can lead you down the path that fucking Frankie and Kevin and Jimmy Carr often find themselves down where they get heckled

so much and the reason they get heckled so much isn't because they're bad at comedy it's because they're great at put downs and people come there fucking expecting it so I go for the opposite tactic if you fucking heckle me I will stop the fucking show and stare at you right and I'll just show you what the difference

is between when I talk and when you talk and let's show you what the difference is between when I talk and when you talk and let's really see what the difference between atmosphere is, I'll give you all the attention you want, it's all on you shut the fuck up, man that works 99.99% of the times, except in

fucking Sydney sometimes just let a heavy silence descend on them oh man it's like a blanket, It's like a fire blanket. It's just like the whole fucking atmosphere of the room. Because you know you can get the atmosphere back. So you let the atmosphere stink for a bit just to let them know that that was them.

Yeah, that was you. You did that. You farted in this fucking elevator, cunt. That was you. Like, never forget I am the fucking lifeguard here. And without it, you'd all be drowning. Like, that's... And, man, this woman keeps fucking whistling. Some guy is so drunk that he thinks he's offended.

He's just, like, booing, but not even looking. He's just booing. And I am. And, again, like, these are just little bits. So it's because the room's so big. Like, not everyone in the audience is hearing it. But I'm hearing fucking everything. So why am I just fucking seething on

stage like there's a fucking white hot rage in my fucking belly as i'm just even though 99 of the audience are fucking enjoying and being great i'm just like i hope every single fucking train crashes on the way home like ever i to me sincerely i think one of the rudest things you can do in the fucking world is go to a public performance of any kind, whether it's theatre, whether it's music, whether it's fucking cinema, whatever, and fucking ruin it for other people. I think it's the most selfish thing in the entire... It's so narcissistic, it's so self-involved, it's so devoid of fucking empathy and logic

to sit in a room full of other people and just not understand that they all paid the same amount of money as you that they're all there to see the one show and you're just so stupid you don't understand that your voice fucking carries and you should just shut the fuck and there was about fucking 50 or 60 of them

in the fucking show last night so Gene Haft was like do you want to come meet me and Eric's friends and I'm like I need to drink three whiskeys before I do. Because if I fucking, if I walk out the front of this fucking theatre, I'm going to start punching my own fans in the face. Yeah, because you hate the audience and they're part of the audience also.

So like, even though you don't know them, like you've got to go and mingle with the audience. That's how it feels. Aye. And again, I didn't hate the audience. Well, no, I did hit the audience i shouldn't have hit the audience because again 99 and when i was speaking to eric's friends they were like look none of us heard the hecklers like we didn't know what was going on like

all that thing we're like oh you handled it well you handled it well and you go i don't care how like it felt shite hey did i ever tell you about when i was in bristol and there was people just chatting on the balcony now i don't know if you ever played Bristol Jonglers. Probably not. I think you skipped that part of your career. Why? The body of the audience is in this kind of dance. I just got my older brother to complete that level for me.

That's what it's like. Just came back to the fucking Xbox, being like, could you do this one, please? You skipped the early levels, the early stages. These are important, they're a vital part of learning. Like, honestly, that gig that you played last night would have been a fucking piece of

piss if you'd cut your teeth in junglers. I mean, you're not wrong. You're not wrong. You're like, fucking crying of a battle-hardened fucking junglers act act, right? So, I had it where there was people in the balcony, like, trying to talk over us. You know, like, there's chatting.

There's chatting. Like, some people are trying to chat under the noise, and you can still hear the whispering and the, like, the think they're not being heard. These cunts were actually trying to drown us out when they were talking right but they're on a balcony but the balcony isn't way back the balcony comes over the dance floor it's like the second floor is so it's just a it's just a front row of balcony there's not much depth to it right the people on the floor like elliot not much depth the people on the dance floor didn't know there was a balcony

they didn't even know it was there they just saw ceiling lights me and I started dealing with someone on the balcony so it's just like you like Simba when he's talking to his dad honestly the thought I was having a fucking moment like Honestly, the thought I was having a fucking moment of, like, an enlightenment. Like, the thought I was having a religious experience.

It looked like I was talking to the heavens. But, like, a religious experience where you're calling God a cunt and his wife a whore. Aye, it was. And luckily, I caught on that that's what had happened because I realised everyone on the ground floor who was enjoying the gig, like, it was Ghana, right? I had it in my hand apart from the fucking distraction upstairs. I tried to let it out of Ghana as long as I could, dealt with it.

Everyone went, we had as fuck, and I clicked on. Like, I managed to point out, like, yous don't know there's a balcony there to here. I managed to get my salute of it. But for fucking, like, for about a minute I sat in that fear like why are they pulling back I'm doing alright

so you had a rough one no it wasn't rough man the gig was like look by any fucking by anyone else's standards like it's a fucking good gig and by my standards it was a fucking good gig but it's just it's the difference between what your audience experiences and what you standards, it's a fucking good gig. And by my standards, it was a fucking good gig. But it's the difference between what your audience experiences and what you experience. It's that bit of, I know they fucking enjoyed it,

and I know any time I fucking put the fucking people down... I mean, there was one point where I got angry, and it was the second show, so I was several whiskeys in. So you know when I sometimes get drunk and somebody annoys me i just say something horrifically arrogant because it's like from dump some recess of my brain i'm like fuck it this belongs in the world now the the one i said yes like just some guy because so many of the routines in this year's show like are me acting bits out like it's literally like it's uh it's just me doing little fucking skits i enjoy performing on stage like it's a good way of keeping routines fresh

and there's sometimes when the mic's in the stand and I'm just acting shit out which is a prime time for fucking cunts to yell out pregnant pregnant pauses

yeah but thankfully because 99.9% of my audience is so fucking sound it's absolutely fine but of course because it's fucking

9.45 and it's in Sydney and people in Sydney and people in Australia in general can't handle their fucking booze and they think they can but they absolutely cannot handle the fucking drink um that he's he's just at one point he just yells out something fucking unfunny so again i do the thing and i fucking i stop and i go i'll just let you feel like what it's like when you talk and when i've talked, that gets a fucking laugh and I just fucking stare at him like a fucking

teacher when somebody's disrupting the class like I'll just stare fold my arms, like it's your own time you're wasting and then but I'm just and I can still hear other people around me fucking talking and I just, I mean I directed

it this cut but it was such a broad insight, I was like never forget you pay to look this way and I get paid to look that way and that is something I never say on stage, that's something I only ever say to other comics whenever they've had a bad

gig, it's like my way of feeling to other comics hey, if you had a bad gig, never forget what the whole thing is about, they pay to look this this way we get paid to look that way don't ever let them fucking get you down and i was drunk i was confident but it takes everybody else with it it takes the rest of the suicide bomb you give the whole class detention oh no i punished it oh man and none of them took it well they were like what and I was like

oh no so it was like immediately it's like a really nice routine I'm like so another thing that I think

you had actually fucking play your socks off to kind of justify that they appeared to look that way oh yeah like yeah yeah

and then it then became like a word of just me being like, now I've got to make this worth the money because I'm so buying a monologue. I gave my outer monologue. Do you remember that fucking time I battle-rapped Nick Cody and I absolutely beat him until

the final verse when I just started talking about how much cash I had? Oh, yeah. I do remember that. It was so amazing. I was like, that! I do remember that. It was so interesting. I was like, that's what actual rappers do. When I've got loads of cars, bitches sucking my dick and everyone's like, whoa. You're meant to put

the other guy down, not pick yourself up. Aye, aye. I can't even remember the length, but it was literally something. I run the fucking show I am, the fucking festival. It was just like, oh boy. I'm not saying Cody couldn't have won or beat me without that verse.

I'm just saying, it would have been much closer had I not. Like, it wouldn't have been fucking unanimous. Absolute own goal. Oh, just self-immolation for no fucking reason. Like, as if, if like trying to say something to fucking like like from the most narcissistic part of my brain that bit that's wounded that bit that that's

that sad pride that's not wounded because somebody's heckled me that part of me that's wounded because somebody would dare speak when i'm talking that That part, that really evil, arrogant part, his voice came to my mouth and he should never be allowed this microphone. I've got to fucking push him all the way down. That's the worst part of me, man. He's just for in here when I'm angry. He's not for

outside. That's my real indoor voice. That's my in-head voice. But it's important in a head voice. I always preach that you should be your own hype man. Get yourself hype. Big yourself up. Like, fancy yourself.

Love yourself. Like, it's always like people tell you to love yourself until you do. But the minute you love yourself, you're arrogant and big-headed. And you're a prick, right? But never lose sight of it. You should love yourself. But sometimes, like, if you're in a position where you're on stage, elevated,

amplified, fucking everyone's facing you, you're facing out. If you love yourself in that position, you do look like a dick. You still, you can't,

you can't still love yourself, but just keep it in your back pocket. Aye, aye. Just, yeah, keep it internal. Don't fucking audibly yell at the people and i mean like it wasn't a fucking bad gig it was just again you it's i'm literally talking

about the difference between fucking perspectives like you know when an audience has enjoyed a gig and you fucking hated it like that happens not not often but it is it's not uncommon sometimes yeah sometimes you have to really work for it but they don't know you've had to really work for it they've just had a good time and they've seen you on stage but they didn't realize that you've been putting out fires in your head you've been closing pauses that are normally longer for effect but you've been closing them because you know that dickhead in the front's gonna jump in if he's given half a chance so you'll close them gaps. So you're doing all this mental trigonometry, like the fucking equations are

running through your head while you're trying to speak because you're dealing with potential threats in the audience. And then you finish and you're like, I fucking hated that. But the audience would not have known you were having a good time. But that's because you dealt with it well. So they say there you go, I really enjoyed it.

Look, here's the point leads don't even know their shit to gig into because you perform so well there they're like oh he must have loved it I always have to

work a lot harder here than I do in Glasgow alright way harder no I'm not I'm not saying Glasgow's better for that I'm just saying

I prefer them for that you might be correct Glasgow are such a good fucking audience for stand-up because any time they do seem to interject, it seems to be well-timed. Aye. They seem to be able to...

Don't tell them that. Nah, in case they get ideas above the station. Which I should point out is very uncommon in Glasgow. Because I've always found Glasgow audiences energetic but not they don't cost me energy. They have a lot of energy but they don't cost me

energy. But the fucking downside to Glasgow is, like, look, if Glasgow love you, they fucking love you. But if Glasgow fucking hates you, there's very little like it anywhere else in the world. You know what as well? I'd hate to have a southern English

accent gigging in that city, man. I'd hate to come in with a London accent or even just sounding like I'm from money or something. Hello Glasgow, my name is Tom Horton and I'm from the Tower of London.

You're going to have to drop an absolute fucking banger in this first 45 seconds, mate, or we're gone. That's the thing. I feel like carrying a Geordie accent, if I go into Scotland, if I go into Wales, if I that's the thing I feel like carrying a Geordie accent if I go into Scotland if I go into Wales if I go into Ireland

I feel like all these places that like might hate the English otherwise they'll give us my first five minutes for free

right that's by the way you understand that's the Scottish accent for the rest of the world right aye

aye that's the idea I always find it funny like with their scotland and canada it's like if somebody mentioned that i was scottish i'd be like oh i'm not actually scottish um i'm actually english right if that happened to someone from the usa i'm not actually canadian i'm from i'm from america right but if it happens to that way around someone accused you of being english accused a canadian of being american like whoa whoa you that way around, someone accused you of being English, accused a Canadian of being American, like, whoa, whoa, you thought that of me?

You thought I was that guy? The fuck? Yeah, like I'm genuinely angry at you because you clearly see me through some shitty tinted glasses. Yeah. It's actually remarkable you were nice to us. You thought of photos from there so is

I mean I'm not to sound too fucking spoiled to you but I'm obviously out of the loop with what's happening in the UK so Scotland is opening up soon and from what I hear by the sounds of things because we're like 65% vaccinated we should be

out of full lockdown by July. Three UK deaths the other day, which is pretty... Wait, hold on, hold on. No, no, no, again. And I will say this, now that we're near the end of this fucking thing, I will say the same thing I said at the fucking start of this, right? When they were printing the number of deaths,

they absolutely should have put the ages in the bracket just so you could be like let's find out how much of an emergency this actually is and i'm not saying i'm not saying an 85 year old dying is a good thing but i'm just saying anything could have got way worse than a bunch of food poisoning would have better than a bunch of 30 year olds dying or a bunch of 20 year olds a bunch of 30-year-olds dying or a bunch of 20-year-olds or a bunch of 12-year-olds. Like, nobody deserves to die, but it is the least sad when pensioners die. Like, they're the best people in the world to die because they've had the most life. In the same way that the fattest people,

it's fine if they're hungry for a bit. It's just I'm not saying they don't deserve to be fed I'm just saying let's feed them fucking last if like there's a lot of stuff that could just kill you in general then the Covid getting is not

a massive threat to the rest of this is a terrible opinion to have but like I said, if food poisoning or a nosebleed could be your cause of death, then you're vulnerable. We should protect you. We don't need to do blanket rules

on the whole of society. We need to protect you guys. But there was a bit of solidarity in that war locked down together though even though we personally may not have been a threat that was kind of

that was kind of nice to have like medical communism where we all medical communism in the sense where we didn't fucking pay them

like honestly like the here's and I hate look for the English fans in the podcast like I obviously love you and there's I love many parts of England

I love performing in many parts of England I like many things about it but Jesus fucking Christ you are as dumb as the Americans now like Boris Johnson is going to win

a fucking landslide so many bootleggers so many bootleggers it's all just a fucking like Boris Johnson stared down the lens of a fucking camera

and I've said this a thousand million times and he said if 20,000 people die it's an abject failure and 150,000 people have died and fucking

65% of England is like he's the best he's the best to ever do it like I honestly there's nothing he could have done

do you like do you like how how they call it the NHS track and trace but they call it the NHS track and trace, but they call it the government rollout of the vaccine? When it was the fucking complete other way around. It was the fucking government track and trace

and the NHS rollout of the vaccine. Fucking, that wasn't an accent. The fucking treacherous cunts. It's not even good lies and there's just people are holding a fucking apple under the nose of English people and just feeding them shit and they're like

absolutely what a lovely apple mousse this is it's very smooth there's some lumps in it but I understand that apple mousse sounds disgusting apple mousse I'm just enjoying that moose sounds disgusting. Apple moose. I'm just enjoying that. English people

probably would enjoy apple moose. It sounds like a very English dish. I just, I find it so remarkable. Anyway, like, we're coming out of fucking lockdown, hopefully soon, and it's all thanks to Boris Johnson and the brave Tories that did everything right since the fucking get-go.

God save our gracious Queen and our fucking paedophile son. Thank you, Boris. Thank you, Boris, so much. Thank you, my giant opportunity. Clap for Boris. Clap for the NHS, even though they only got a 1% pay rise. this is absolutely justice

I'll believe everything I believe in a fucking Murdoch tabloid that being said we're getting out of lockdown soon and I do feel like because I'm in Australia when I come back things are just going to be open again

I feel like I skipped like the exams in fourth year because my parents took me to Disneyland and I'm just like, sorry, God, I'd love to... Daniel, do you feel like you skipped Jonglers? I feel like I skipped Jonglers. I feel like I skipped Jonglers.

That is your life. Your life is just skipping Jonglers and then complaining about hardship. No, no, no, Guy. This is my junglers. Ah. Can we tell the end joke? Do we use names?

You tell the story and you decide. Right, so Barry Dodds got a You know what? If Dan Nightingale tells this story I'm snitching on everybody. And I think he told the story of how Barry Dodds got Well, you can snitch on Dan Nightingale

because we are doing the fucking Have A Word podcast. Should we bring it up on that podcast as well? Yeah, we're doing it in June. We're doing a crossover. We're doing a fucking crossover. It's like when New Girl was on Brooklyn Nine-Nine. You guys know each other.

That's weird. Because Adam Rowan was group chatting and fucking, what do you fancy a crossover about? It's like Superman looking up and seeing the bat signal in the sky. I'd just be like, I'm getting a shag. Yes. Oh my God, superhero Tinder's great.

So I podcast Tinder. I was swiped correct on Adam Rowe. So Dan Nightingale of Have A Word podcast. I think it was Barry Dodds that was in the car of another comedian. And the comedian was driving to the gig in Wales, which was his gig. He's called Silky. Just say the name. I was kind of skit-rounded.

This is how I received the story. Right, so just to confirm, this is Kai's lawyer here. So this is how Dan Nightingale told Kai the story. So any complaints about the story can be brought up with Dan Nightingale. Also, I think I've remembered it wrong because I think it was Barry Dodds in the story. But Barry Dodds is getting the lift right he waits in the car

right and they take the long route scenic route which is nice you're cutting through Wales right you get to see some scenery pulls over the car

and I'm just popping in for five minutes and he thinks the driver Silky is going for a piss he thinks Silky's going for a piss and he sits in the car waiting and the guy doesn't come back for a piss, right?

So he goes out looking for him. He's like, where the fuck's this guy gone? He's sat on a rock playing his guitar. He's got his acoustic guitar. He's just strumming his guitar on the rock. And he just looks up when he sees Barry. I didn't know if it was Barry. I'm just using Barry as a place marker.

I think Barry sometimes listens to this podcast. Barry, let's know if it was you. Silky looked at who might have been Barry and went, ah, this is my junglers. What does it even mean?

What? What does it even mean? But it's now become, it's become one of our favourite messages whenever whenever there's a lulling

conversation you just go hey this is my chocolate you know if we're just in Hawaii in the fucking

pool on the on the loungers on the inflatable fucking just in the pool and you just float by with a cocktail

in your hand you'll just look at them and go this is my junglers it gets us every fucking time oh man

I was like it's just it's just whenever you're in your happy place you'll say this is my junglers which

I don't I don't even get the reference because junglers isn't notoriously hard to anybody that's not getting

the references so far up until this point it's just a chain comedy club that ran like excuse me it's just a chain comedy club that ran like excuse me Kai was was a chain it didn't last but like it was the

hardest gig to achieve and the hardest gig to do as a star in comedy not the hardest there was about 50 of them around the country but if you've got John Glazer professional because they've got enough gigs to keep you paid for life

like for a year you can get an annual salary from John Glass gigs alone so like it is like a career opener

but fuck me you dread them and they can be really hard and they can feel like such an achievement if you get them right I don't know how

that's like sitting on a rock playing Augusta guitar in the sun in the countryside of Wales but I was just saying like such an achievement if you get them right I don't know how that's like sitting on a rock playing yeah Augusta Qatar and the sun and the country side of Wales but I was just saying

every time we were happy place oh man I was chatting I was I was on the gondola with Dan Knight and Caelan and Milo McCabe

and not Mary Bell Mausine and I just lay back and went ah this is my gondolas

and there was another one where during that holiday the reason I brought that up that wasn't the main reason I brought that story up is because

the Charlie Hebdo's attacks happened and we've done we've done an impression of the terrorists fucking loosing that fucking cartridge attacks happened and we've done an impression of the terrorists fucking loosing their

fucking cartridge this is my junglers just any time any what year was Charlie Hebdo I reckon that was

2015 I feel like I was younger I reckon that may perhaps 14 maybe 15 because it was I feel like I was younger I reckon that may perhaps 14 maybe 15 because it was that holiday

it was that holiday I knew that I was doing the man oh you're right you were stuck in 2015 sport is that what it is you know how I know that because I was I had just started doing the man

in the house routine you know with a big picture of me and me specky glasses well it wasn't the glasses that was specky it was me that was specky oh so I'm sorry I'm sorry is this is with a big picture of me and me specky glasses. Well, it wasn't the glasses that were specky, it was me that was specky. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Is this a comedian version of

I remember when I was on 9-11? You're like, I know what joke I was telling during Charlie Hebdo. I can genuinely timestamp. Danny, laugh it up. I can timestamp stuff based on what my set was. If he can't, you better stop mixing it up I couldn't even tell you what fucking year

I wrote Dark in you can't plug your material the year of your fringe I don't know when your birthday is I don't remember dates you done that in the whatsapp about Mark Nelson's 40th we were like are you 40 already I literally tapped you up for a video

for a fucking montage of videos for Mark Nelson's 40th and you sent one and then we're like are you 40 like 4 weeks later man I just do you think I do not fucking stick

do you think I went over the top for Mark Nelson's 39th I just I just I just thought you were trying to

build it up for next year you know that not a lot of people like Mark it'll probably take more than a year to get a 30 second video together from some people

you were like I could I might get half a dozen people if I start now. Aye, we'll just fucking build up. That's why I assume at this point you've started trying to get the videos from my 40th. You're standing there like,

hoping to fill five minutes. Are you 30? Aye. Dad said that because we had a big party for you no we didn't I lie it was during lockdown oh

did we talk about that why were you open about that was that against the rules at the time oh well I mean there was a false dawn wasn't there there was a false dawn on lockdown so when we were touring and we had that party

it feels like fucking ages ago now but it felt like that was fucking ages ago now, but it felt like that was... Fucking ages ago. I know, but it felt like that was the fucking... The world opening. Like... Oh, no, I knew it wasn't. Like, there was no way.

So, okay, that said then, if you were so sure then, how do you feel now about this one? Oh, like... Oh, then I feel way less guilty. I don't feel guilty about... No, I mean, not guilt, not like how do you feel. I mean, like, oh, then, I feel way less guilty. I don't feel guilty about it. No, I mean, not guilt, not like, how do you feel?

I mean, like, how optimistic are you that the gigs that are in my diary, the plans that we've got for Portugal, Oh, very. Like, Very, very optimistic. Very, very optimistic

for the, the rate at which the UK's been vaccinating and the rate at which America's been vaccinating. And the fact that what you're doing now is already

streets ahead of what we did. I think, man, you've got to remember like, yeah, yeah, and Australia's not getting a vaccine out here for a fucking, like, I mean, they've got some here, but they've only had 950 deaths and Italy have kept some of their fucking vaccines from them. But, like, it is, like, once

America fucking opens, which will be by July, and that's when Scotland and England most likely will be open as well. Because nobody's going to stop buying the fucking vaccine. Like the world needs to be open. Like I think we are in the last bit of this. Do you keep up with the news much? No, not at all.

Because I think I read, because I was stoned the other day. I've been stoned for the last three days, it's been class by the way I've been really enjoying it it's fucking really good, I've spent a lot of my life not stoned Danny, in just the last few days I've been getting high I've been fucking having a belter not always having a belter by the way, let's get back to that

but I think I scrolled past something saying they've got a vaccine for malaria has that always been there? is that a new thing? Well, I think so. It kills more people than fucking... I don't know, mate. Oh, yeah.

I think there is a vaccine for malaria anyway, though. Is there? Oh, fuck. I thought there was a scientific breakthrough about malaria, and I was like... Because I was chatting that day about this the other day with all of the research they're doing for vaccines I bet you that fucking like that foundation

is equipped for a lot of things now to like find vaccinations for other things because they've like they've probably solved so much just by trying to find a vaccine for this that they're gonna answer a lot of other puzzles that are out there as well or that are

like not even the puzzles that aren't even brought to us yet are going to get solved because of the stuff they've uncovered. So here you go. So there was a malaria or there is a malaria vaccine which was approved in 2015. But it's the WHO, World Health Organization, does recommend it due to its low efficiency, or they don't recommend it in babies, but it's got low

efficacy Low efficacy? Efficacy, E-F-F-I-I They've got a vaccination for babies but it's just unethical They have to put it up the bum with a cock it's the worst

but what they're saying is the story in the last 24 hours there's a vaccine from Oxford which is said to be more than 75% effective so hopefully which is I mean fucking great news man I'm just desperate like the world needs to the world needs to open and it's

good that it's getting to this point because I do sincerely worry about the long-term effects of this fucking pandemic. Of what? Of people's mental health and social anxiety? I cross the fucking board.

And skills. It's made harmants of people. People now who can work from home, who one of the only reasons that they were ever going outside because they had to go to work and they have to fucking see friends are now able to work from home

and they'll have all these fucking things and they've realised and they enjoy staying at home. Now, there's nothing wrong with that if it makes them happy. But, you know, you're a fucking hermit. But it makes you insular and it makes you like

shelled off and closed off from all of the fruits that life has to offer. You know, all of the fun and events and stuff like that, that you might have been on a social level to engage in. You're just going to pass on them because you feel more comfortable. Your comfort zone is compact now. Yeah. Yeah, go on. is is compact now yeah and i also yeah god yeah no i i think people be too scared to go out try new things because they haven't needed to they've got this fucking safe thing and they now can do

everything from food so easy to get there booze is easy to get there you can live from your fucking home now and you're not forced to go outside anymore i think man there are teenagers that missed their fucking last year of high school didn't get their fucking proms kids that didn't get to fucking set their exams kids that didn't get to start in fucking high school kids in fucking nursery who didn't get to train there are babies that are born

that haven't seen a fucking they've only seen like three faces for the first year of their life one of the most important years for cerebral development is the first year of your life when you of the most important years for cerebral development is the first year of your life when you get used to and it's getting passed around you've seen three yeah just getting passed around uncles and aunties and friends and just like integrated into the community into the into the clan into the tribe and all of a sudden you've got this outcast child that's

nearly two but just but and it's just it's just knowing these two faces and things will change but I'm not saying it'll happen I don't know I just think there'll be huge I feel for the

this is a bigger I keep saying it this is a bigger 9-11 like there is post-Covid and there was pre-Covid and we are now in a different world

than we were than two years ago I've been saying about my goddaughter turning eight and she had tickets booked for festivals and stuff and she missed like a real transitional year of becoming an adult the transition between like being a child and then being able to drink being able to go to

festivals being able to go on holiday with her mates and that this is this has been her like 18 months that like was really pivotal in my in my development as a human and she's she's been robbed of that or it's been put in suspended animation and she'll she'll get to do it down the line but i really feel for that that that generation man no i should man and also i mean i know i shit on fucking old people all the time but like i i think like one of the other long-term mental effects is the amount of people that had to say or in fact sorry that could not say goodbye to loved ones in the past year like how does that make you feel about death how does that absolutely like to know that like

somebody that you truly fucking loved this person that lived this long happy brilliant life and of course that's what celebrate but in their fucking final moment were alone and they had to be like that is even though you weren't there that is an emotional fucking trauma and like literally well over half a million brits have just fucking gone through that yeah and i mean i've got an unprocessed death like where i lost i lost somebody not a relative but somebody that was really close to us really important to us as a role model and um and i i found myself like the like processing the pain and the grief by like getting angry at trivial things just getting angry at real trivial stuff and i feel like i never really got to get back home get amongst the people that have also been through the same grief as me over the same person people who have like

people who are feeling exactly the same as me out there but I haven't been able to connect with them which is such an important part of grief that's what man the reason why some funerals can be great right and because you're there with people who are absolutely as fucking devastated as you are in the same way that a wedding is fun is because you're all there celebrating something funerals can be great because there's so many people

all in the same despair just going we've lost this fucking great person and you share it amongst each other and that does lighten the fucking burden of it it's such a weird one because it's like Natalie, I kind of share it with natalie because natalie has heard me talk about her a lot it's someone i used to work with natalie's never met her it's somebody that like natalie hasn't met

even when i like chat to my parents on the phone who i still haven't seen since november since before liz passed and they didn't know so like even the closest you don't know like the closest people to me don't know who I've lost so I haven't been able I haven't even been able to share that grief at all in a way and that is

you know when you say there's 150,000 people there's 150,000 communities of people who are going through that the death's the nucleus there's rings and rings of people who are going through that, the death's the nucleus there's rings and rings of people around that nucleus that are suffering

and they have to deal with that Sorry just to with the death of your friend Liz there I went to Demi Lardner and Tom Walker's house the other day just to see them in Sydney.

How are they doing? And I was talking to... They're doing very good and they were both asking after you and Tom was telling me that he, the one time, or he decided to one day raid you on Twitch because you were on Twitch and he came in with like 350 people and it was when you were literally

grieving about Liz and like Tom was just saying man like I came in and like all my followers are silly and we're just coming in and I've told them how great Kai is we come in and Kai's just saying we're like hi guys it's a different type of stream today like I've just

watched somebody close to me so funny i was treating the future because you're not like my my stream is fucking close-knit man like it's literally i always have been pun intended it's close-knit it's full not intended for not intended i've got like um it a steady like 40 to 60 people it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't

it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't

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it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't

it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't

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it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't

it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn't it doesn It's like having your own comedy club. It's your own audience that just comes to see you. Punch drunk.

I've made it fucking punch drunk on the internet where I can just connect with the same people. And I love it. And every now and again, like a raid will come in like that. And I just, I had to deal like that. I was fucking just spilling all my emotions. Because the reason I chose to do it is because a lot of people are going through it. And a lot of people are in that situation.

But a lot of people don't really have a platform to share their experience of it. And I think that shared experience would be actually fucking nice for people who are also going through it. And I chose not to do it on the podcast. And just to do it on my Twitch stream. Just because it's a bit more like, I don't know. I'm just giving a bit more of my soul. And I tell Mark I'm reigning. And I had to be,

hey, everyone, thanks for the followers. That's what she would have wanted. So I was like, fucking when they come in, I was like previously on and I had to give like a fucking recap just so that I wasn't

just carried on with a train of thought I was eh I was actually letting them know what the dwork they're on I think I dealt with it alright actually

I hope oh no he was he was saying you did but Tom's thing was more he was just like just like mortified

like I I came in at the worst time, like it's like walking in the room and someone fucking you like I'm so sorry, I came in at the worst possible time for this It was comedy timing absolute comedy timing

it was literally like if you were doing the short doc and then you're doing like, and then that's when my sister died, and then there's just like a stag do come in. No, fucking man. When I, the first year I did the fucking Melbourne Comedy Festival, before I was fucking even friends

with Auntie Donna, right? I was doing my show upstairs at the Hi-Fi Bar at six. Auntie Donna started at seven. Now, Dark was running at about fucking 65 70 minutes at that point and they were going can you cut it down to an hour and i'm like of course i'll try but like if i can't rush i can't rush it like the show after me is is an hour later like it won't be too bad but like it's fine day one right i'm enjoying it i'm getting the feel for

the fucking room i'm getting the feel for the fucking room, I'm getting the feel for the audience, my first time in fucking Melbourne, and I go from six to seven, and at seven's the bit when I start getting into the Josie bit, and I fucking swear to God, that first night, and I go,

and that's the moment my mother told me my sister died. I'm in an 80 seater room, downstairs Auntie Donna and in a 300, and they just go, boom, boom, Auntie Donna, and a crowd just fucking r go boom boom auntie donna and a crowd

it's like a shitty melbourne venue the whole audience loses his fucking mind i'd say the audience in my room so tense so nervous i who have told this joke several times that i've done this show 90 times i i can't stop laughing because I'm like, that is the greatest comedy timing in the fucking world. And I tell you what, man, boy, did it make me speed that show up. Having that fucking threat every night of just, like,

at one point, Auntie Donna are going to walk on stage and you've got to make sure you're off stage before that happens. You've got to beat it to the punch. I had a show at the French Festival one year where they started, there was a protest show upstairs and they give people picket poles, like as if they were at the picket line,

you know, like if your house is for sale, a picket pole sign, you know what a picket pole is. And at one part of the show... No, no, no, explain it further. Look, so it's on like a bit of two by four and and what it's like card

or it's plywood what's the it's like MDF and it's got like a sign on it so they started fucking out at some point in the show

started banging it off the floor and chanting right and then and it was just fucking just it was heckling us every day

so what I started doing is I had a bit about UKIP and and then it was just fucking, it was heckling us every day. So what I started doing is I had a bit about UKIP and I brought the UKIP lane to the time when I thought it was going to be so that I could bounce off it and go, nah, they're rallying up against us already. Made it look like it was a UKIP rally. And I had to rearrange the entire set to fit in a punchline about the fucking thing

that was happening and then I got it so on point that I realised they were only doing a two week run and when that run stopped

I lost the gag so at first I was infuriated by them and then I adapted to it and I was fucking

gutted when they left and while I remember talking about I've been getting high lately I have been I've been having a nice time but Danny

Natalie's been away she went to London because she went to part of her part of the conditions of her living in Scotland is that she goes back

every now and again to do some stuff in London that's such a fucking English thing to do man just let us go just let us fucking go alright let's discuss

it all go work up north but come back and just check in again just get over her state of years

aye I mean I don't know what the implications are she might have to like interview people you know

and it's just easier than being on zoom I don't know what she's doing I never it's like Matty

I don't know what the day is like to the closest people to us I've got no idea what the day for a living is do your Chandler Bings

absolutely I work every day in fact I lived in a fucking small flat in London where I'd hear a work calls I'd hear what was happening no idea what she does mate it's a foreign language to me every time somebody asks me what's Cara does

I can tell you what I think she does but I also know that every time somebody asks me what's Cara does I can tell you what I think she does but I also know that every time I say this in front of her that she corrects me but I also know that I don't listen to the correction like I don't update I say something and she goes that's not it, it's actually

and then I tune out and I remind myself of a gig I did 7 years ago and then she's done talking I'll myself of a gig I did seven years ago and then she's done talking. I'll tell you one thing I did take on board, and I will get back to the initial point I was trying to make, because she works in HR, right? And she said that the way that they measure the gender pay gap, right, is get a median.

Can you remember what a median is from averages in school? Yeah, it's like somebody pretending to be a psychic yes yeah the the guest is a gender pay cap and they get it right every time men get paid more they take everyone in the company put them like in numerical order who gets the most who gets the least and then the middle one is the median so they get the gender pay gap yeah yeah as a as opposed as opposed to the mean, which is you add them all together and you divide by the amount.

Divide it by the amount, yes. And that's the average. What's the... So the median's the one that's just in the middle. Yeah, mode is the third. There's another... Mode. I can't recall what that one is.

Mode, I think, is whichever there is the most numbers of. If there's like 773s and 280s, the mode is 73. I think I could be wrong. Right. So of the three, they use median. And one thing they've asked them to do

is only give the median of people who are getting paid 100 if you've been furloughed and you're getting 80 don't involve them in the statistics so they've had to provide the statistic that just doesn't count it just doesn't count and she's going kai it's fucking ridiculous it's like you're talking about massaging the figures. It just fucking causes chaos with the figures. The figure for the gender pay gap on the next gender pay gap is gonna be a problematic

number. It doesn't make any sense. There's no reason for it. So, I don't know how they're about to remedy something that's so important when their data collection is so flawed that's one thing I know about her work

is that she tells us about the gender pay gap and she was bewildered by the fucking figures that they have to present and I'm just like aye that's fucked I don't know much about the pay gap except that I earn more than most of them so that's all about

what's your high story oh yeah I saw when she was away more than most of them. What's your high story? Oh yeah, so when she's away she tells us water all of my plants, right? And she's telling us some instructions but I fucking don't know how to water plants, right? I'm like, I couldn't tell you if I've done too much water by males

or not enough water by males I can just tell you they've had an amount of water. I put water in them at some point. I didn't sign up for this. I'm stepped out of them plants and them plants to me are ginger. I'm trying to keep these plants alive, right? So I fucking get the water in the can, I'm high

I've had a smoke, I can't run I've watered all the plants right I've finished watering all the plants you're high on plants and you're going to water plants that's like you that's like eating meat and then going to feed the cows like it's honestly it's like fucking

it's like fucking Jumanji in my house, man. This house is trying to claim itself back. The earth is trying to claim it back from the inside. Like, honestly, I got out of the toilet in the middle of the night. I need to take a machete. I fucking ended up going for about a year, man. I fucking started hanging out with gorillas.

I was like fucking Sigourney Weaver. So, it's so amused. Wait, Sigourney Weaver what movie Instinct was the movie called Instinct Anthony Hopkins wasn't it oh I've not seen it so I don't know the reference

the only guerrilla reference I would have would be Jane Goodall is that who Sigourney Weaver played maybe I don't know don't call us on our reference Danny I'm probably wrong

and even if I'm. I'm probably wrong. And even if I'm right, I'm going to lose confidence in the slightest bit of inquiry. I bullshit with confidence until I get queried on it. So, what I'm trying to say is, just walking from one end of the house

to the other, it's like being on walkabout. I'm in the outback. My house got right can i can i tell you something we've got 70 plants in the house seven zero what 70 plants right i don't think we've got that many and you have got a living wall well i mean we don't we did oh yeah and i don't want my house to end up like that, right? So we've got 70 plants, Daniel, right? I water all of them. I go around every room and meticulously water every single plant. Do you talk to them?

All I can hear in my head is Natalie telling her friends, we've got 60 66 plants 70 70 if you count the fake ones Daniel I reiterate I watered every plant

alright but you also at this point still don't know which ones the fake ones are so you're like I'm not gonna

stop no no no I watered them again today. And some of them, four of them, overflowed. But yesterday, I was just dead high and I finished them. And I was like, I don't know which one's the worst. I've got no idea. And all of a sudden, I think, living in the suburbs, I've got the idea and I'll turn to that

thing everyone living in the suburbs I've never had this before so I don't know why I'm having it now erm been smoking

gay thoughts every time I put that spliff in my mouth I'm like I wish this was a tiny penis oh so that's why you invited Colin over

no really that is is ridiculously big the only man that's got a bigger cock than me and a way bigger cock the only one in your house not my house anymore man it's just me and Cullen live together now

Cullen lives with you tag motherfucker tag no no fucking touched you last slept at your house last mate oh mate

there's a reason I'm letting this podcast overrun I've got to get back to that be sniffing Natalie's knickers instead of Cara's which is my

funniest bit in that WhatsApp group is the joke that fucking Colin's always sniffing around Natalie's knickers instead of Cara's which is my funniest bit in that WhatsApp group is the joke that Colin's always sniffing Cara's knickers, you never get involved in it, you never wait in you never say anything you never join in with a joke, you never give any rebuttals, you just

ghost the whole conversation and it's been a bit for about a year and people will be like Colin have you ever been at games and you just cough up a pair and it's been a bit for about a year. And people will be like, Colin, have you ever been at games night and you just cough up a pair of our knickers at the table? And that'll just spin into the bed. I'll laugh at jokes I enjoy. I'll not laugh at jokes I don't enjoy.

Colin, have you ever been... I'll not interrupt either. Colin, have you ever been just sat in the drum of the washing machine waiting for a car to throw you in our underwear and put you on a delicate cycle. It'll just be like, they'll just be, Cullen, have you ever? Like, there's over a hundred of them that have been in that WhatsApp

group, Cullen, have you ever? And it's always about sniffing your fiancé's knickers. And you've never blinked. It's just like, this isn't meant to join in on. This isn't meant to push back against. It's just utter exclusion. I'm just like, this isn't meant to join in on. This isn't meant to push back against. It's just utter exclusion. I'll just... Mind you, man, I'm an Australian.

I do not catch up with... I try sometimes to catch up with the goat gang, but when you wake up to 400 messages, I'm just like... I just say it. That WhatsApp is an ongoing conversation and you wouldn't walk into a bar

after people have been at the bar for three hours and say so then tell me everything that everyone said up until this point you'd just jump in when you could right so one last thing is I've been smoking weed just to the back of my veranda

because Josephine sent us some of these cones that you can just like, so if you mix your back in your green, you can pour them into. Just sort of struggling. So you're doing full blunts then? Now I've been putting a bit of back in.

And a bit more 50-50 on the back, you say, like a bit more than there is weed. I remember at the start of this podcast when you were like, I've not smoked in ages. Aye, yeah, aye. Well, this is where I'm at now, Danny. I've got a pack of cigarettes there

for rolling joints with. It's been there for a week. I haven't had one. Aye. I've just been smoking weed like 20 days. With who the filter? I was about to say, you were like, you said that going,

oh, I don't normally smoke weed but I have smoked weed every day for the past three days oh I wonder why this is like when I moved into fucking

Garscoop for the fucking first time and I was like I'm just a stoner and the reason I was a stoner was because I was

mixing fucking joints with tobacco all the time and that's why I was smoking seven a day and that's what led to me being the big fucking

legend stoner I am now what were your little vapes here were your vapes I'm smoking blunts out here I'm off to smoke a spliff after this

you rotten wee prick I'll have you I'll have you know I'll have you know I'll have you know I have a black friend called Nat Tamina and he

is able to get me drugs all the time actually oh can I ask have you done his podcast yet? Yes I have yeah. Because you asked me for doing it on you. I didn't have much. So Nat's podcast with his flatmate Marty

is about flatmates and stuff so he was just asking questions about flatmates and he tried to phone up Gene and Kai to find out if they had any horrible stories about me being a horrible flatmate but thankfully I'm not but the story they fucking did bring up and Nat was just like I just have to ask

do you wear Kai's underwear and I was like well no no no Kai puts Kai doesn't collect his underwear and then it makes its way into my underwear drawer and if it isn't my underwear drawer I'll wear that underwear and he's like that's really gross

and then I went no no look and then genuinely Guy can you confirm just on camera are they mine? what the fuck is wrong with you?

what the fuck is wrong with you man? what you've washed them it doesn't matter don't put them in my fucking pile I'm not gonna I'm not gonna

I'm not gonna I don't know what underwear I bought do you use my toothbrush because that's like that but worse which I probably would use my toothbrush

no I wouldn't use your toothbrush but you'd put your cock in me cock strap you've washed it I had in boiling hot water for three hours

I washed my toothbrush with toothpaste in water ah right and mouthwash and I spit the I wash my toothbrush with toothpaste and water and mouthwash and I spit the mouthwash back onto it so getting high on the porch Natalie come out and had a spliff one of the nights

and the other couple of nights I'm getting high and she's not but I'm always just on the porch having me smoke and I'm thinking out of it I've never once thought about the neighbours when I'm smoking weed but I'm in the suburbs

in Clarkston which seems a little bit like putting lardy d'or when you're looking round I mean it's like not lardy d'or like your lardy d'or your lardy d'or's

so lardy d'or your neighbours wouldn't be able to smell if you had a spliff because they're that far away you're on land right, this is La-di-da but we can't afford to have this attitude like semi-detached La-di-da

if there's anyone from Blythe listening South Beach, I live in Glasgow's South Beach and I had a spliff at like 3 in the afternoon lovely sunny day, I've been on my own I get high after my stream and then I look through the window and I had a spliff at like three in the afternoon lovely sunny day I've been on my own I get high after my stream and then I look through the window

while I'm making my lunch I'm having a late lunch look I sleep in and the neighbours taking the kids washing down and I'm like I don't know how much I'm overthinking this

but did she smell the weed and come out and take the washing down or was the washing just done or did she just go oh he's smoking it there wait the washing down? Or was the washing just done? Or did she just go, I smoked it there. The washing's got to come in anyway.

I might as well take it to the new. I didn't have my neighbours well enough. I sat myself on the porch and read my book for a bit, thinking if she's got a problem with her smoking weed, she's got five kids, man. She'll be like, yeah, I've got Ben's. Can you not smoke weed in the garden during the day?

She's got five kids in Glasgow. That means four of them are going to be stoners eventually regardless of what you do she could be a stoner she may want a spliff which i'd be happy to provide her with uh i just had this like feeling of like oh i've been i've never like i've never had a weirdly i've never felt like i've had to respect my neighbors before do Do you know what I mean? Have you ever lived where you've got space to be loud and fucking obnoxious without bothering anyone? Man, you know how much I hate being loud. You know how much I hate disturbing fucking neighbours.

How would you feel about smoking weed on the garden when you're semi-detached with someone that's not kids? Oh, give a fuck. I disagree with the fucking law. To me, it's genuinely no different to smoking a cigarette yeah and i'm doing it outside it's it's there is there is no difference to me that's why i will happily smoke a spliff walking down the street in scotland because it's there's no difference to me i lived in a block of flats in london i would think

now to boot going onto that balcony where everybody else has got the same balcony everybody else has got their windows open because it gets hot in there and like I never I never once considered people living in a flat carrying a weed

when I lived in Ashton I'm in Ashton and nobody's gonna ever give a fuck about me weed but when I'm here that's it smoking weed smoking weed in your apartment

is how you advertise there and then people are like oh somebody's but when I'm here, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I, I, I, I was just over thinking because I think it was just the timing of when she clicked on her washing from me having a spliff was just like almost passive aggressive man even if you're in the posh part of Glasgow like this is the one fucking one of the dumb ruby

drugs has nothing to do with class aye that is true upper, lower, middle doesn't fucking matter it's a personality you either take drugs or you don't take drugs you either take lots of drugs or you take some drugs it's fuck all to do with class it's fuck all to do with area

it's fuck all even in the most Christian parts of fucking redneck America you're still gonna fucking find stoners there like it's just how society is aye aye that is true. In fact, it's probably more Rafe or Coke, this

neck of the woods. I've got a bit more. Dean Dads? Aye. Your dad got a Joe Willock tattoo before it was cool, and that's way worse.

It is, actually. Just when he was an Arsenal youngster. Oh, when he was 13. Your dad sell the tape to paint, brush to his paintball, good as a bayonet. Your dad makes his own Oreos with Guinness shits and cum. Oh, that's gross. That's fucking gross. That's weirdly grosser than when I suggested vaccinating babies up the bum

oh man fucking four years of this podcast I think that's the best reaction I've ever got from a dad joke Guinness shits now also just to say artistically Guinness shits and cum know what that also just just to kind of just say artistically Guinness shits and cum

is such a satisfying punchline just linguistically it's only a four word punchline but fuck does it pack a punch you know what as well

it'd be such a horrible texture between the two burger bits of the oreo like it would slip it would slip off the comb

yeah it would be good this would slip off the comb. Yeah. This is going to be a very, very unique reference, but for anyone who's watched Drop Dead Fred, you know when he makes his mud pie and he pours milk

on top of it. I imagine it's like that type of... I can't remember the reference, but I'm definitely going to watch that movie again. Your dad dropped £125 on the bandit and he

quit his job and left your mam your dad scratches his ears with his feet your dad

puts one sock on both feet then puts them in one welly to go fishing in the hope that he'll pull a

mermaid your dad wishes Mel Gibson had a podcast I do I do I want to do a podcast about Mel Gibson's podcast just like the talking dead

is to the walking dead we would do the aftermath or as Pascoe is to Sluss and Humphries on the road oh for fuck this isn't a Patreon episode keep it in your pants your dad rocked

bottomed your grandad's corpse into the coffin because it's what he would have wanted aye it is and he hasn't risen from the dead since

so not like last time the undead take was there sorry fuck you from the dead since so not like last time the Undertaker was there sorry fuck you fuck you to hell

sorry step on your dad joke your dad's got small tits for a fat lad he does he really does when we stop the podcast

you just want to chat for another couple of minutes just Collins here I'd love to but I've got to go smoke a spliff just in case Collins in the whatsapp chat he was in it while I was sat next to him, man. I was sat next to him watching the football, having a lovely time, two mates, right?

I'm looking at the WhatsApp just to see him antagonising you, he's a bootback man and that. I'm like, how can you be so lovely in person but just such a wretch in real life? No, no, wretch in WhatsApp. Oh, yeah, aye, sorry. What did I what did i say first i have that was you said you said how could you be such a horrible person in real life but such a wretch in real life no no slamming no you heard you heard um i'll do a podcast with colin while he's here but

he has the he has a twist I'll not tell him it's a recording. Just twist his nipples till he convinces him of stuff that he didn't do. Right, mate. Enjoy Oreos. Good riddance. Bye. Bye.