Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.18 Ex Malcolm

Episode Date: May 5, 2021

Muggins has lost a couch and Cream has been showing a flagrant disregard for dress codes in the ongoing misadventures of your favourite podcasting buffoons.              ��

Yo, yo, yo, happy bank holiday Monday. I want to start off by saying thank you to the patrons. Thank you for your continued support, for propping up this venture and making sure that we produce early access episodes every Monday and bonus episodes every Thursday. If you're still listening to iTunes and Spotify and you haven't made your mind up yet, you're like, oh, well, we won't.

If you sign up now, you're going to get loads and loads of bonus episodes. You've got a lot to binge on a lot to catch up on and daniel's done episodes with bart freeman and cameron james and i've done episodes with mark nelson and elliot steel and they're all on there for you they don't expire you sign up now and you get them all so hopefully we can tempt you over to the dark side um but for now i'm going to leave you with this episode daniel gets right off the blocks complaining about Australia. I let him thrash that out. And then I dive in with my own complaints about my ongoing beef with Sophology.

I also let it be known that my brother's baby is on the way. As the podcast was going on, my brother's girlfriend was giving it a big old push. And now as I record this intro, I'm an uncle again. The baby is here and healthy and I'm dead excited. So I'm going to go on a pilgrimage down to Newcastle to meet a new Humphreys human. And I'm fucking stoked about that. So let's go our separate ways from now.

You go listen to this podcast. I'll go hug a baby. And then we'll regroup again midweek on Thursday for whatever podcast we release then. I think it's going to be Daniel Sloss and Nick Cody, that one. But hey, thanks for everything you guys. You're the best and enjoy listening. muggles tickling the clit inside your head to make you laugh they said it can't be done are we in the same seats that's hack oh muggles accidental rim job in the park kiss kiss kiss

or might just be cynical just muggled it up on fucking mugglepedia where have you been since 9-11 right we are back doing another podcast and straight up I'm going to have to apologise because the sound on this one from my end is going to be shit and it's not my fault as with most things in the world it's Australia's fault. What's Australia now?

Well I mean the previous ones I've been able to do, I've been doing from like hotel rooms and that's how australia gets you right it's got really nice air quotes and i mean air quotes really nice hotels and you're like oh okay this place has got air conditioning it's got double glazing it's got windows imagine i imagine all property in aust in Australia is just the same as this. And then you come to Sydney or wherever

and the house prices are 1.5 million for a Harry Potter under the state. I mean, that's a car driving outside right now. That's... Yeah. The acoustics, the insulation, everything. Is it... Australia, we've had this discussion many times before but the only

effort Australia puts into fucking anything is the weather which isn't their fault I mean I guess it is their fault now since they're still fucking burning coal and the whole ozone layer is getting bigger so the reason it's hot in this country is arguably their fault there but

it's doing too much of the heavy lifting, the weather? Do you think if... 100%. If Australia was Greek... Yeah. If it was Greek as fuck... Nobody would fucking live here.

Not a fucking chance. Oh, no, no. People would, but we would... If it was... Man, if it was fucking cold here, they would have to admit that it was a second world country. Because what... Their hands would be

tied behind their back and they'd be like, alright, now that the sun's gone, and now that we can't cook eggs as well anymore, I guess you've seen all of our fucking stretch marks. We're not, we weren't the 10 out of 10 we were pretending to be. We were a fucking 4, who

thankfully, one of our friends nearby, she left us all of her sexy clothes and we wore those for a while but now that you've undressed me I'm a fucking mess aye if you could see Australia

without its makeup on when the sun goes behind a cloud oh man yeah I focus if you get parts of like

say Melbourne where it'll be like a dingy back alley with loads of graffiti and all that and they'll put a couple of fucking beer kegs we'd fight to sit on and it'll feel hipsterish and feel alley with loads of graffiti and all that. And they'll put a couple of fucking beer kegs we'd fight to sit on.

And it'll feel hipster-ish. It'll feel trendy. But only because it's like nice. You know, if it was fucking spitting on, if it was just in the drizzle and everyone's wrapping up, you'd be like, I'm like a fucking skip rat here.

They're just styling out. I've been staying at Gene and Eric's and it's a lovely place because they're right down by Coogee Beach. So every morning if you want, if this is your fancy, you can wake up in the morning, go outside the sun's beating down, there's

lovely cafes, there's really good fucking coffee. If you're into any of that shit. I am. I fall for it. It's a classic misdirection that I always fall for. And then you go down to the beach and you're like,

you can go for an early morning swim. And if that's your fucking jam, what a place. Do you know what I really like, Kai? I like sleeping for eight hours. Staying in the house and playing on the internet. Yeah. I like sleeping for 8 hours staying in the house and playing on the internet yeah I like

computer games I like downloading things I like watching porn I like playing computer games with our mates aye and it's just it's different priorities they I love

staying with Gene and Eric because I've obviously not fucking seen them in ages but when I first stayed here about three weeks ago they were like you should just stay here every time you're in Sydney and I was like look I love your house but I can't I need to sleep in a freezing cold bedroom bedrooms have like I don't know if we've discussed this on the podcast before but my

stance on bedrooms is bedrooms need to be fucking Baltic and you regulate the temperature under the fucking duvet right so you go oh i'm too cold right okay we'll put the duvet more around you congratulations you're warm and now if you get too warm all you have to do is let a little bit of that cold air in and you've now got a nice cool bed that you're sleeping in and you can sleep for the rest of the evening australia's like here's 32 degrees how good is it to sleep in 32 degrees and you're like not good actually and they're like oh well if you want you can have the 19th best tap water

in the world besides your bed that might refresh you a bit you go i don't know if that's because i mean i guess i will be up so i guess and i will be dehydrated because it's so warm in here maybe i'll drink a little bit more more water maybe I'll text my friends maybe I'll watch something on YouTube oh no I won't I won't watch anything on YouTube

because I forgot 4am is a fucking peak hour for some reason and your internet can't handle it and then there are birds in this country that would only ever exist in this country

he's talking about women yes they would have been they would have been dealt with a long time ago. They're fucking birds in this country. They're fucking birds. Man, there are birds that at 5am every morning, and this is, man, I'm in a built up area. Like this is a place where a lot of people live and there are birds that wake up 5am every day

and they make alarm clock noises for three fucking hours if these birds existed it's not the British morning chorus is it the British morning chorus

is like fucking tuneful it's something nice to wake up to the bird song in Britain is polite it's polite as fuck it's British

it's background tweeting it's just it's the occasional fucking one just going, or if you're in like a particularly shy area of Scotland, you might get the fucking wood pigeon, right? Oh, the one that nests in the chimney and gives it these. Hold on, I'm going to do these. That kind of dick.

Them guys. That one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And i do not forgive those fucking birds that's why i'm happy to fucking eat wood pigeon i think they should be eradicated as a fucking species if your animal makes a shit noise it doesn't get to live that's the end right if it's a disruptive fucking noise and the wood pigeon noise and all every fucking bird in this country is a Nokia 3310 ringtone that has no fucking off button, right? If the birds in this country

existed in Glasgow, they'd be a fucking delicacy. They would be hunted down to extinction after three fucking hours. Pest control? It's been a pest the minute it's intrusive. The minute it's intruding on one of your sentences,

you've got a pest. And, oh, so I've just, every morning, and thankfully, because it's like, because I'm here, I'll wake up in the morning anyway. Gene and Eric are early risers, and they claim it's for health reasons. I'm like, no, you're an early riser just because you're used to that now.

Like, you just, you wake up in a sweat at 5am and Barnes is tweeting and you go, I guess this is where I'm awake now. You can't stubborn your way through it like you could in good old cold Scotland. When you wake up at 5am and you go, I'm not waking up at 5am in Scotland.

The murderers are still outside. I'm going to have another four hours kept. So you're handling it well then? Apart from that, can I complain? I can't regulate my body temperature. I can't regulate the sound. Ned's not my friend. Do you want to know my drama that I'm having at the moment?

I ordered a couch, right? It was due on the 1st of April. And then I just couldn't get through to them. I couldn't get through to Sophology at all. A couple of times I got through to them,

two hours on hold. They said they'd bring us back because the system's down and they never rang back. I was fucking... I felt... I'm like, I've been robbed here.

I've been fucking robbed. Right? I didn't know how to contact this company. Can I get them on the chat? I'm sending email after email, getting progressively angrier. The latest email I sent was, are you ignoring me?

I feel like I'm being ignored. The whole thing was just to stop blankness. Just any form of communication. And look, I hate to bring it back to this. It was very Australian service that you were receiving there Kai really Australian mate so very very very

this wasn't technically in my job description so I've got no fucking obligation to do it hello I work for any company in Australia aye they were really easy to get hold of

when I was giving money away but as soon as they had my money really hard to get hold of right so 1st of April came and left, that was when it was due to be delivered, right? And then eventually the fucking, I get an email saying it's due on the 1st of May, right? Monthly, whatever.

I'll just sit on the floor until then, get piles. 1st of May, it says the bracket's going to be between 7.30 and 9.30, right? I fucking get up, I'm not going to the mornings, right? But I fucking get up and I'm hanging around, waiting for my sofa. 9.35, I get a text message going,

delivery's been cancelled, please phone us on this number. Danny, I phone them. Four hours on hold. Plus, plus of four hours. Four hours on hold and four hours of me fucking trolling them on the live chat that they're not responding to.

Just fucking giving them shit, right? And eventually this fucking poor woman picks up Amy. I fucking... She sounded at the end of a... She sounded defeated. This is one person doing... Everybody she speaks to has been on hold for four hours. Right?

Right. So, but you still gave her hold for four hours. Right. But you still gave her what for, right? I had a hand out to Natalie because I was like, I can't do this without being angry, so I'm going to deal with it because I can't do this.

You're going to end up hanging up on us. And it's been too long on the phone. I know it's not your fault, Amy, but in the past five minutes, I have wished all not your fault, Amy, but in the past five minutes, I have wished all of your family members fucking dead. Aye. And I know tomorrow when I wake up, and like once I do it,

I would have done my meditation this morning, but you've had me on hold for four fucking hours. Oh, you can't do nothing on hold. You can't do fuck up. I'm trying to play the PlayStation, right? I'm playing Horizon Zero Dawn, built that game, but every time I fucking get killed by a bellowback, I'm fucking like, it's the fucking, because I'm

on hold, I kind of concentrate. So I put it down, I'm trying to read my book, and you start digging it now, and I say, Larry reads your book. When fucking you're reading, and then your subconscious texts out reading your two pages, and you fucking have to go back and read them again. If there's hold music in the vicinity, it does that to you.

It switches your brain from being able to read, I can't read a book, I can't fucking I can't listen to an audio book, I can't listen to anything on my headphones, I can't really text because my phone's in use fuck man, four hours of purgatory, I get through to Amy and I'm like fucking honest to fuck, there's an unemployment

crisis, there's loads of people who do jobs hire some cunts, hire some people of course you've got's loads of people who do jobs. Hire some cunts. Hire some people. Of course, you've got a backlog of people trying to fucking get in touch with you. If you're taking people's money and then blanking them, people are going to try and contact you. Hence the four-hour queues.

Just fucking get a better business model. Anyway, this was after four hours of waiting, after months of trying to get in touch, when I finally get through to Amy, she looks at the system. You know why we coached you and get delivered? What? Guess.

Oh, right, because it's you, you haven't actually paid for it. No, no, no, I paid for it up front. Um... Danny. You put it in the wrong address. No, no, no, I didn't put it in the wrong address. Look, Danny. What?

Go on, keep guessing because you keep blaming me and it's actually quite funny. You're not looking for reasons it might be their fault. No, no, no, totally. There's, man, having known you for 10 plus years

and how this story is going, there's not a way this is Amy or anyone. It's Sophology's fault. This is something you've done. It's not going. There's not a way this is Amy or anyone. It's Sophology's fault. This is something you've done. It's not me. It's not me. I get a laugh at this one because it's nothing to do with me. Danny. Oh, right. Sorry. Okay, let me start again.

Natalie didn't pay for it. It's not Natalie either. It's them. It's Sophology. Danny, they've lost it. That's all they had to give we can't find your sofa

the fuckers have lost the sofa how Jamie didn't know because it was just written

on the system it's gone missing it's fucking Malaysian it's a Malaysian airline fucking sofa I was like

hey try checking down the back of one of their couches I didn't know what to do I was like

where do I go from here Amy so what did she say she didn't know either I think every single company that sells couches is a fucking con company Well, to this point, you just get... I've got to say this, right? I fucking...

I think every single company that sells couches is a fucking con company. Because when we moved into our place, I went and... Man, you've seen me fucking shop, right? If I'm in a shop for more than 10 minutes, it's an abject fucking failure. If a member of staff talks to me,

it's an abject fucking failure, right? It's an in, out, I know what I want, let's get this done. And you walk into a sofa shop and you go, can I have that and they're like yeah that'll take three months i don't think i don't think it will because it's fucking there i'm sat on it and i can see it they go this is the display one i'll have that one then i'll i'll have that one and then you order a new one that you can then fucking just why am i waiting uh it's it's the it's the biggest fuck every every time you order a sofa like can you wait like eight months and then it's 12 you can then fucking just, why am I waiting? It's the biggest fucking, every time you order a sofa,

they're like, can you wait like eight months and then it's 12? Like, there's no, there's no timeline to it. There's no explanation to it. There's no, there's no bedside man hour buying a fucking sofa.

They think, they think they're fucking Subway, man. Every couch company thinks they're Subway and they go, oh, we'll just fucking make it to order. And you go, motherfucker, you sell couches. Imagine cars did that. Aye. Right?

You just go, you want me to have cars? Which actually, you tend not to get a brand new. Only if you're buying, oh yeah, if you're buying a fucking brand new one. But I'm not buying a brand new one. But even then, even then, you still get them quicker than you get a coach. I honestly think, right? I honestly think, and I'm not going to'Brien but even then even then you still get them quicker than you get a coach I honestly think right I honestly think and I'm not gonna

put my money where my mouth is because I can't be honest right you could fucking learn how to make that coach yourself in the time it takes them to send it I

reckon you could fucking teach yourself the trade in the time it takes them to fucking send you that coach um so they lost the conch. And I'm just fucking bewildered because there's a fucking city there unaccounted for.

Just fucking floating, running somewhere in the universe. Maybe they've delivered it to the wrong house. And like, look, I didn't order this couch, but fucking... Aye, put it there. That's where that goes. What are we going to do get bored of sitting down I think not

so when we're chatting to Amy we're like so what are we going to do we're going to come up with something between us

and she was like you're like give me all of my money back and then I'll take a handwritten apology from the head of your fucking company and we were like

Amy how I attack this love we're like fucking why the fuck would you say, yeah, we've lost your sofa? Can you ring us? Can you fucking wait four hours in a queue so we can tell you we lost?

If you lose someone's sofa, right, don't just put it through the system like you would with fucking like, oh, we can't set delivery because the delivery driver's ringing sick or whatever the fuck happens, right? We're going to have to rearrange it. If you fucking lost me sofa,

just treat it as a unique case and we'll probably ring these cunts and say we've lost your sofa. But by the size of things, it's not a unique case. You were just on the fucking lost one. That's the one. Amy,

I promise you, Sophology do have enough staff. She just drew the short straw that day and they were like, guess who's dealing with all the lost couches today? She's like, oh no, come on, no. Can I not deal with the fucking, the sexual harassers?

Can I not deal with the ones trying to get refunds because they've come on the sofa already and they're like, nah, nah, nah, Barry got that one today, you got that straw. You're dealing with the lost sofa. She's like, but I'm going to be,

we've lost so many sofas. Well, I tell you what we all know the actual secret we just don't make the sofas do we we make three of them

we hand out three of them and then we go right what three shall we make fucking next month we're sofology and I was I was like

Amy I had to spend four hours on hold standing up because guess what I didn't have a fucking sofa so I can't say she was like

well anything that we've got in stock because instead of waiting to get one made they don't sell you what they have in stock motherfucking that's a lie

they've got any any we've got in stock right you can have and like even if there's a price discrepancy like we'll cover it like as if we're gonna get charged an extra

at this point she's acting like she's dealing with solid so Natalie sits doing her van she's like we've got this one she'll look it up and it's just we're gonna, get charged an extra at this point, she's acting like she's dealing with solid, so Natalie sits doing her van, she's like, we've got this one, she'll look it up, and it's just fucking shite,

it's just a pish sofa, like, obviously you've got that one in stock, no one's buying that one, there's a bunch of them, and then there was one that was like, pretty much identical, to the one that we were buying anyway,

right, and it was a bit more, Natalie was like, well, can we have that one, and they were like, yeah, it'll be weird,

it exists, right, it exists, the sofa exists, and they were like, yeah, we can get that one? And they're like, yeah, it'll be weird. It exists, right? It exists. The sofa exists. And they're like, yeah, we can get that in two weeks. You think? You can get it if it's new. You've just said it's in stock.

What are you thinking? You're just kind of fucking pondering it for a bit. I think the sofa delivery cunts are the same fucking people that when you buy a house, inexplicably cannot turn the internet on instantly in that fucking house despite the fact that the previous homeowners had a fucking internet in this fucking house because that's how they put their house on sale and a man should buy you are telling me it's going to take two fucking weeks for you to flip on the same switch you lazy lazy motherfuckers

uh it's just people being shite isn't it the whole thing all of it's just shit people across the board it's just shit people doing the bare minimum in their fucking job and again I hate to keep bringing it back to this but it's Australian service man this is the problem if you

if minimum wage is too high right and people don't work for tips or promotions. Now, again, I'm a socialist. I don't think people should be working for tips or fucking promotions, like in that sense. I think everything should be a fair wage. I thought that until I came to Australia.

And there's all these people that are paid 50 bucks a fucking hour, and they're just, they've never had to do something for a customer in their life. Because they get paid regardless. It doesn't matter how well they do their fucking job. There's no taking pride in it.

There's no taking pride in like... Man, people in the service industry here, they will forget that you ordered three pizzas. And they'll go, oh, yeah. And then they'll just leave to make no apology. No, here's a couple of free drinks. No, oh my God, I can't believe I fucking found... And this is the cunt

that didn't write any of the fucking orders. Oh, because they thought they were class. They thought they were absolutely class. Ah, just hit us with it. And you're like, nah, there's actual like,

there's stipulations in some of these. There's like dietary requirements. I've asked for like something that's a bit off menu. You're like, ah, nah, no, I've got it. They are always the cunts. Every time I want to write it down for them.

I could not wait to come back to Scotland and drink a pint outside in the fucking rain. But guess what? I ordered that pint one minute ago and here it fucking is. And yes, it's raining,

but I guarantee, and it's filled all the way to the fucking top, all the way to the top. It's a death sentence. It's none of these fucking schooners or whatever fraudulent glass you've got to fucking rob someone out of half their pint. Aye, aye.

And it cost fucking three quid. And it was service. It was service with a smile and like a genuine smile like man the amount of times i've walked into a store here and two staff members have have like who are talking to each other have turned around to look at me as if i'm interrupting their conversation it's like this motherfucker this is where you work like come on Like, the second you fucking see a customer you drop everything.

Priority number fucking one. Whatever you're doing, it can wait until there's no customers in the store because your fucking business model is selling stuff to people like me. Even if it's an act, put on the act. Put on the act. Put your game face on. I know it's an act! That's why you get

paid 50 bucks a fucking hour if I paid an actor this money they'd be nicer to me you fucking arsehole that's why I strip us it's a nice day

sorry look I feel I need to cover this I love Australia the gigs here have been absolutely fucking phenomenal I've got so many friends here who I love Australia. The gigs here have been absolutely fucking phenomenal.

I've got so many friends here who I love fucking dearly. But Jesus fucking Christ, it is a country that coasts on breakfast and weather. It's all it coasts on. Breakfast and weather. Hey, we've got the best breakfast and weather in the world. And you're like, but what about the other 23 hours of the day?

Like, nah. Nah, man. go for a swim just shake it off oh alright then you fucking wanked it's a trophy partner it's a trophy partner you'll be seen with it

but you kind of commit your life to it it's all it is and it's only going to matter it's a trophy partner that has like real

real horrific cancer like like like Australian talking about how good their weather is as if it's as if it's not real horrific cancer. Like, like, like, like, Australian talking about how good their weather is as if it's, as if it's not indicative

of a higher problem. It's like me being like, guys, guys, guys, I've got a massive dick now because I've got ball cancer. Look at the fucking size

of my cock. It's so big. Like, man, because the tumour's getting bigger. You weren't, like,

the bigger it gets, the worse it is. Gives it so much gith. Yeah, look at the fucking absolute size of my chody cock now. What a brilliant disease this is. Why is my family crying? No one's bragging about tumour gith. No, no.

Here's an Australian bragging about global warming weather. Aye. Australian bragging about global warming weather. So, me and Natalie and Amy decided to look through the catalogue of stuff that hadn't stocked right. Found one that was practically the same as ours. Sorry to interrupt again,

but at this point, right, for me, at this point, mine's just fully you just go, full fucking refund, every penny in my fucking account, and I'm never using you again, I'm off to buy a sofa from DFS in one of the 9,000 sales I hear, here's the kick, you're just going to

put the fucking frying pan into the fire, you're just going to have another one that's going to put you on a fucking soulless waiting list and not give you any side of fucking kind of customer care, as soon as they've got your coin they're not going to fucking hold your hand through the customer experience and make it nice and pleasurable they're not that, none of them are that type of company, man. There's no salt of it.

There's no... Aye. That's true, man. That's true all the way up to the top. Like I went to my, we got two sofas. One was from Sofology and one was from fucking Natuzzi, which is an Italian one. So it's a bit more of an expensive fucking couch. And it was the exact same fucking thing.

And they're like, this one takes five months to make. And you go, for the exact same fucking thing and they're like this one takes five months to make and you go for the price i fucking spent you better get everyone fucking the ball but we've got to we've got to ship these uh these like grips from italy and these so for these fucking uh pillows come from america you're like i i could take a grand off the price and go to fucking italy and get them for you and i've got a trip to italy on my hands and it's there and fucking come from America is he like aye aye I could take a grand off the price and go out to fucking Italy and get them for you and I've got a trip to Italy on my hands

and it's there in fucking eight months sooner aye and then I'll turn up to you with all the bits would you make it then no sorry that's not company policy

fucking couches aye there's no so Natalie's there she actually said she was like I don't want Sofology to have

me money now even though like you're offering away for us to have a couch that's quicker than any other way like if I go out to another company or whatever I'm't want Sophology to have me money now. Even though you're offering a way for us to have a couch that's quicker than any other way. If I go into another company or whatever, I'm still going to have to wait. We're humming and hawing.

We didn't want to end up back on hold again, so we had to make a decision there and then. So we found a sofa that's practically the same as the one that we ordered, a different colour, slightly more expensive than that they're going to cover. She goes, right, so I must tell you that the reason it's available is because the family that ordered it sent it back because it had too many natural marks on it all right what are natural marks they're like well the leather has got like natural marks i think we what do you mean natural marks was like just like natural

marks on the level i was like what like lightning has it been struck by lightning erosion is it like some geology like is it what the fuck's a natural mark on leather i'm pretty sure what she made well what she's trying to say is our delivery men cunted this off the side of the van a couple of times and that happened naturally and those aren't natural marks natural marks on leather is the knife that you stabbed into the fucking couch

that's a natural mark an exit wound from the bolt gun has it has it still got has it still got the udders is that what you mean does the couch have

it's it's not natural if fucking Dave and Bill the two cunts that can't deliver shit and somehow keep losing couches, have spaffed it off the site of several things

while delivering it. Which, by the way, we know has happened. We know the fact that you are so adamant they are natural marks proves to me that it's your staff that fucking did it. Naturally burnt it with a cigarette. So fucking, we've got this couch called, I guess it with a cigarette. So, so fucking, we've got this couch cone where,

I guess, I'm guessing stretch marks. I don't know what, what kind of natural marks you get on a cow. Cause like, you know, if you got, oh,

we've got this table, it's got some natural marks on it. You expect it to have like a knot in the wood or something like that. And you're going, right, that's just a design element. It just makes it a little authentic. Maybe you've got a knot in the leather. Maybe it's the balloon knot.

Maybe they just got it from the water. It's butthole. Yeah. It's just like that. But they've set it up so it's like, you know, the leather couch is where it's got that dip in bit and there's the little button. Well, the third one is just a bull's arse.

That'll save us putting an armband full of chafing foam into the cushions. It becomes complete with a butthole so I apparently in two weeks time apparently I'm not really going to pin my hopes on it I try not to put my hopes on anything these days just while we take a quick break just to go to our sponsor which is

Sophology this week if you would like a couch within the next five to six years, and we can promise you next day delivery, but we'll not tell you what next day. It'll be like, we'll phone you the day before, but when you get that phone call, it's as much a mystery as it is to you at this point.

We can't offer you a discount because of our poor service, because if we were to give you a discount for all of our poor service, well, then we'd be giving out discounts to everyone. What kind of business model is that? We'd be out of business.

You guys aren't really having the fucking sympathy I think required here. So there's obviously, there's no discounts. And if you want we understand we fuck up a lot here at Sophology so what we've got is we've got a really good customer service if you're lucky

enough to be the first person to call Amy between 7.30 and 8. After that she's been yelled at by at least 50 blokes and I'll be honest with you she gets a bit moody after that she gets real fucking moody and well, look, the discount code is

Slauson Humphries on the road. Go to Sophology and good luck. Very happy. Sorry. Sweet. I like that. Thank you. That was from our kind sponsor, Sophology. Who will be delivering a fucking... I've got... Because we're saying we're going to tech it because you're on the

phone to renew. We need someone to arrive. because you're on the phone to renew we need something to arrive but we still reserve the rights to get fucking taken back for these natural marks

that fucking Dave and Sue didn't like aye if we look we're going to take it straight back with you

in fact they're going to take it with you take it with you like in six months oh yeah I mean that is the way you've got to do it

like when they bring the couch in you make the decision then and there like you look it over and you go don't you fucking dare let them drop that off

and then leave otherwise that just is your sofa forever there's nothing you can do about it you'll just have to fucking donate it to a trendy cinema

they'll have to wear a courtesy couch in the meantime and then we've got this one we'll look at it and it looks like a fucking transformer fucking donate it to a trendy cinema. I've had a courtesy couch in the meantime. We've got this one. It's like a fucking transformer. It's like a kid's play toy. What the fuck's that?

I'll tell you what, keep that. We'll literally just sit on anything else between now and then, love. Aye. Have you got any bean bags that have been just outside? But just baked beans just baked beans whatever so there's that

that's happened to me live and also I did a gig last night for the first time in six months to an audience to like 15

comedians and staff and production team at the stand. But it went out to a live audience of possibly hundreds, maybe thousands. I don't know how many you watch. I think it would be a thousand. I'm not sure. I don't know the numbers. But I had the stand.

Mark Nelson's show. Fucking banging. Just a nice gig with Mark. Done a car share you know I like to drive back from the gig just still buzzing

from the gig a little bit now lad because you realise it's like little elements of the gig that you miss as well not just the performing but the like

the green room sometimes even the travel Aye well you do like I said this when I first got to Melbourne and like I was going to the Comedy Republic which is the club that Rhys and Kyra own out here I go in, I bump into fucking Jamoan

and I'm like, oh man, this is exactly what I've missed going to a comedy club, bumping into fucking old friends having a couple of drinks I then bump into Kyra and he's there Kat's there I'm like, this is fucking great 30 minutes later I'm in, this is fucking great. 30 minutes later, I'm in a conversation with two comedians I've

never heard of and I'm fucking wet hot shit about and I'm like, oh, nah, nah, nah, I've not missed all of this at all. We were talking about this on a previous podcast about the fucking people that mark you at the game. Costa Cota. This fucking man marks you.

It's just that, yeah. I guess this is a bad way of asking on here. Who else was at the fucking gig? Were there any of those? No, no, it was class. It was Stephen Buchanan, Jay Lafferty, Mark Nelson, and then Will Nima,

who I'd spent a little bit of time with in Australia. Good people, so it was nice. Everyone had stuff to say you know what as well I found because I'm not used to I'm not used to being in conversations that much I don't know if I'm talking too much or not enough

I'm like oh I used to be really good at fucking conversations and groups and like social cues and I'm like I've got to learn this again and that'll have a yeah it'll take you a while like you're going to be everyone

you're going to be socially autistic for for a while especially especially when you're doing Twitch streams and that because you're like

oh right I normally do a lot of talking and that's why it's class I don't even just talk non-stop do you just want to join in and that like I didn't realise

and click on I'd only just talk non-stop did you just want to join in with that? I didn't realise did I tell you about my horrible premiere experience the other day? no I saw a bit about it tell me is it from scratch I saw the trailer ironically so one of my oldest friends in comedy

the wonderful Rhys Nicholson, has had the most successful lockdown of any comedian in the fucking world. During lockdown, his Netflix special came out. He was then chosen to be a judge on RuPaul's Drag Race. And he's also now out in Canada filming a TV show. Great. Yeah.

You know what, Link? It's worth all the fucking's it's worth all the fucking it's worth all the bloodshed for Rhys to have a good break aye

yes aye silver lining to all the death you know aye aye and so

I'm obviously but I've not watched that's not true I've watched some episodes of Drag Race but whenever I have

I've always been corrected they're like oh don't start on that season start on this season don't start on this season this season's I've watched some episodes of Drag Race but whenever I have, I've always been corrected they're like, oh don't start on that season start on this season, don't start on this season this season's fucking way better Treat me like a complete noob what is RuPaul's Drag Race? So RuPaul's Drag Race is

it's about 10 drag queens so a bunch of guys go in and RuPaul who's like the greatest drag race drag race uh drag race queen to have ever done it and it's just a fucking reality tv show like great british break off but with drag queens like this week you've got dress up as this and you've got to sing a song about this or this week you've got to design it's all it's all everybody's talking about jamie

aye and man and they're all vicious bitchy queens, right? Yes. It is. RuPaul's Drag Race has done an absolutely outstanding job of being one of the most

progressive shows in the world despite being a competition of eight white men. Like, if any, if, if any other competition

in the world only had white men on it, oh, a rage. Like it would be cancelled within fucking seconds. They were like, this is not representation. This is bullshit. Just wait a minute to find a loophole. Yeah, tricky, tricky men. We found

a way to make it all about us and make it progress. Can't shout at us, otherwise it's bigotry. Wahaha. Right? So, and man, and like, they can't shout at us otherwise it's bigotry right so it's and like they they're all fucking like they all make their own clothes man like

it's genuinely impressive and they're horrible to each other about it because guess what it's a room full of men that are saying horrible toxic things to each other but what pretending to be women so it's allowed it's fucking class like if the accent was different and the tone was the same it would just be a bunch

of bros it would just be a bunch of bros saying really really horrible shit that would like just banter no repackaged lad banter as bitchiness and it's class

right it's it's such good high quality fucking television right and then and also man

they all know what the show is like fucking RuPaul is the fucking cattiest sassiest what about it

doesn't fucking mince queen bee mince same with and they've got fucking Reese on

and obviously Reese is very good at those fucking underground you know you're saying that bitchy like do they ever start knocking each other out do they ever do they ever just break into a fight like they start fucking going I will knock you out if you keep talking

to me aren't you cunt not in the episodes I've seen, but man, fingers crossed. Like, it's reality TV. This is what I'm into. Like, come on, here we go. So, despite having never watched a full season, I know I'm a fucking fan of this show.

Like, I know I'll enjoy it. I just, it's one of those things where I've just not sat down and watched it. So, I'm like, are we watching it? And Kat goes, oh, there's a screening at the Sydney Opera House, right? So I'm like, all right. And you just think, oh, it's going to be like when we did Muffet's Summer Hall. Oh, yes.

There's going to be a bunch of people that made it. Yeah, I thought, like, I sincerely thought it was just going to be like, because, look, the Sydney Opera House isn't just the one room. There's a bunch of rooms in it. In my head, I'm like, it look, the Sydney Opera House isn't just the one room. There's a bunch of rooms in it. In my head, I'm like, it's probably got a fucking cinema in it. I just think the backstage area where we hung out at the gala show is going to be screened in there. Well, I didn't know.

It is my fault. Because she sent me the invite through. Because I kept trying to get Jean and Eric tickets. And she was like, I can't get them tickets. I'm like, well, I'll just bring them in, and they'll just come in with me. She was like, no, no, it's got to, like, I've got to get the tickets for them.

So she sends the invite, and it goes, the theme is, like, fierce and fabulous. And I sent her a text immediately, like, if that's the dress code, I'm not fucking coming, because, like, I've only come over to Australia to work. I've not bought. I'll fucking tell you the only thing I have bought while I've been over here, right?

I went shoe shopping with Tom in Canberra and I bought three pairs of shoes and I bought a pair of shoes that were yellow, right? I was high. I was drunk and I was high and I went shopping, right? And I saw a pair of yellow shoes, right? They're Vans, right? And they're like Day of the Dead ones. So it's like the fucking Mexican death festival sort of thing.

So I was like oh those look decent those just slip on I'll get those right I sent a video through to Cara immediately and I'm like look what I just bought

and she's like you're never going to wear those and I was like what? I'll wear those she goes you're never going to wear those you know what I mean

she's like you don't have anything that matches that when are you ever going to wear fucking yellow shoes so drunken high I leave my house again

and I go shopping and I buy my house again and I go shopping and I buy a yellow hoodie. And I'm like, ah, ah, fucking it matches the shoes. So if I ever want to wear these shoes, all I have to do is wear these shoes. And Carla goes, fair enough. That's actually a really nice look. Well done, you. I'm fucking, being my...

You got the approval. You got the approval as well. I give it a wee pat on the back, said fucking well done. And in my head, dumbass me, I'm like, the gays will love this. I've matched my hoodie to my shoes.

So if this is like fierce and fucking fabulous, I'll be given at least a decent nod of like, you know, he's put the fucking effort in. Man, fucking Demi Lardner. Demi Lardner turns up looking stunning in a fucking full fucking dress. Right? Like Demi Lardner Demi Lardner turns up looking stunning in a fucking

full fucking dress right like Demi Lardner's put effort in yeah yeah you just expect her to be dressed like a skater and she comes up like

it's a prom oh man aye but still like into the really like nice like sort of goth emo chic that she's fucking got

like it would really suit her Mark Bonanno from Auntie Donna's there he's got his hair done properly, he's in a fucking suit, Kyron, Reese's life partner's there,

and Kyron sees me immediately, and because Kyron's known me for nine years, just laughs, and he's like, are you fucking serious, and I'm like, have I fucked this up, and he was like,

yeah you fucked up, we're going to a fucking premiere, and I'm like, how bad is this, he's like, you've got really expensive suits as well but i didn't bring them out to australia with me i just thought i was doing fucking you've seen what i wear on stage black shirt black shorts and some fucking rm shorts that's all i've sorry you see me on stage sorry it's just because

I'm in Gene's house and obviously there's no air conditioning anywhere that's true was that a Freudian slip about being cool Freudian slip I'd be sick to wear shorts at this point right so I just wear black trousers and black fucking tops and we get to the

fucking red carpet and Kyron's laughing because he's just like you've just come dressed as the straightest man alive, like it just looks as if, like, it looks really bigoted because it looks like you're such a homophobe. You're making everybody know that you're straight I'm gonna wear

a shirt, you look like a flag bearer I've turned up being like don't try anything ladies, I'll not fall for this again I might like the way you look now but I know the tricks that you're all up to and I'm like no this is just all I have I don't mean what you're doing but

swinging in my face just turning up being like look I think it's absolutely fine we should be entitled to wear what we want to fucking wear and this is but this was high end fashion for me guy I matched my shoes

with my hoodie like I I honestly you've never even matched you've never matched your socks the whole time I don't match

exactly I don't match my socks I thought there was going to be a standing ovation from like all the queens just turning around being like

fucking here he is he's turned up he's woke he's progressive. So I just got the fucking shit ripped out of me for ages. And then what was worse, well, not just by my friends. Nobody there was actually,

bitch your guy. So I was like, it's fine. I'll just like, I'll put my fucking hood up and I'll just hide my sort of embarrassment a bit. And then somebody goes, Daniel Sloss, could you do the red carpet? And I'm like, I'm of embarrassment a bit. And then somebody goes, Daniel Sloss, could you do the red carpet? And I'm like, I'm not doing the red carpet, mate. But first of all, it's a blue carpet

because things are different in Australia. And I'm like, man, I can't. And man, all the drag acts are there as well. I didn't know they'd be there. Like, this is their premiere. So they're there in all, like one of them's got like a wig and it's made to look like the Sydney Opera House

one of them's wearing like this full black all feather boys and peacock feathers everyone looks amazing all the guests look amazing and then there's fucking 30 year old chubby emo man who's been dragged there by his woke progressive friend

and I go to Kyra and I'm like look I've never done a red carpet before and I'd really like to could you do it with me please because I can't do this alone so so you look like your overdressed date

I looked like I went there with my gay uncle right who like walked in on me playing Call of duty once and he heard me call someone in china a faggot and his way of like getting me into the world was dragging me to this screening no pun intended dragging you to the nevermind oh sorry then it is there yeah but it just looks like my gay uncle took me to this thing not as a punishment

but as a learning experience man I fucking can't to show you that the people too do you know who was at the fucking screening how I didn't Taika fucking Watiti

Hitler from Jojo Rabbit Hitler from fucking Jojo Rabbit is fucking there and I love Taika Waititi I think fucking Thor fucking Jojo Rabbit is fucking there and I love Taika Waititi I think fucking Thor Ragnarok does he play the stone guy because I know he directs Ragnarok but does he play the New Zealand

character, brilliant yep, he's directing the fucking the next one with Thor Love and Thunder, he's also doing fucking Star Wars man it's just, he's so good, he's so funny I know you didn't like the movie but do you know why I didn't like the movie

because I watched Deadpool first, Deadpool 2 and I'm just like is that kid just going to be a shit cunt and everything that he's in and just pretend he likes Tupac is that his MO I really didn't like the way they were pitching that young actor. You've absolutely typecast him as a shit cunt

and wheeled him out as the same character twice. If it works for Rebel Wilson, it'll fucking work for him. Aye. Aye, so take it fucking with you there. And I didn't realise how much crossover of fans there would be between people who watch my stand up

and people who watch RuPaul's Drag Race and turns out it's a lot so I'm just sat there absolutely fucking mortified that me in the worst clothes I fucking own in the worst shape I've ever been in my life I'm at this this really important

premiere from one of my best friends in the world, right? It's finally come to Australia and just the amount of beautifully dressed men and women that come up to me and go, hey man big fan, I'm like fucking no please

don't recognise me here Can I just say, fucking no! Please! Don't recognise me yet! Can I just say, this is karma. You deserved it. Why? Because your ma invited us to a UN summit meeting at the AICC where they'd had a

meeting, but then they were going to go visit Edinburgh Castle, have some canapés, have some schmoozing, share some cocktails up in the castle, right? And Natalie and I asked you, what's the dress code? And you said it's a black tie event.

And you told your girlfriend at the time, it's a black tie event. Yeah. No, no, let's not make this worse. I told my girlfriend at the time. I was leaving this for you. My fiancé's older sister. Your fiancé leaving this for you my fiancée's older sister your fiancée's

older sister your now fiancée's older sister your then girlfriend at the time yeah

god I really am a cunt you said like so it's just like there's no part of the story

it makes me look like a wait can this be the one that we put behind the paywall no no no no no can can this be the one that we put behind the paywall? No, no, no. No, no, no.

Can this not be the free one, please? No, you... You upgrade it to a newer model, but before you did, you told... Can I use that name? Malcolm. You told Malcolm.

Malcolm my ex told Malcolm Malcolm my ex Malcolm X we're told Malcolm X that it's a black tie event and you went there's going to be ties there right so Natalie's like okay it's a black tie event Right So

So Natalie's like Okay It's a black tie event Okay I'll have to put some Fortin to this and everything So she brings that outfit To yours Because she was living in Glasgow

At the time And comes to stay in Edinburgh At mine and yours And then Her and Lauren Spend ages getting ready We spend Five minutes getting ready

Because to us A black tie event is I put a black tie on I'm ready to play if I do hurry up and get ready girls it doesn't take that much longer

than putting on a fucking t-shirt it's really only to as a man the difference between getting dressed normally and getting dressed for a black tie event

is there's an extra jacket you've got to put on and then also a tie that's literally the only thing I've got extra jacket you've got to put on and then also a tie that's literally the only extra I've got to do this thing for a bit where I pretend to be struggling to iron it until somebody offers to iron it for us

yeah oh yeah just the steam's not working can't seem to get yeah also I bought cufflinks not realising that these ones have buttons on them so now I'll just add this to the pile of cufflinks I own. But I don't own any single shirt that needs cufflinks. Yep.

And so we're ready. We'll play FIFA. And eventually the girls come up the stairs because your bedrooms were downstairs. So this is why. Your living room was upstairs. They come up the stairs looking fucking great. Not as good as Cara would look

if she got ready like that. I was going to say, Natalie came up looking great and the other one came up looking not good enough. Not quite there. Clearly look great, but not enough to keep the... They looked their best in the prime of their life, in their youthful frame looking absolutely what's this uncle

back in the day back in the day before gravity got hold of her boobs before they'd seen some things Yeah They were turned up At the event With Rhys Nicholson, Rhys Nicholson was there with her

Yes he was Yes he was Just dressed like he normally is But still fit, now I'm dress code So we rock up and people were just wearing like Timberland boots and regatta jackets and just fucking

big house jackets. They were wearing hiking stuff because they were like, well we're going to have to walk up the cobbles to Edinburgh Castle should we dress like we've got to walk up the cobbles to Edinburgh Castle and everybody had just went, yeah. but for some reason you had got it in your head that it was a

black tie event I think it's because you heard the word canopies oh it probably is man yeah canopies and then also I think because the conference that my mum was running so it was like a bunch of fucking UN people and I was like this will be official now obviously me and you

and Fleece are just there being like, alright, well this is... We just look class. I just... I'm making them look like shit. That's how I felt. I was like, they're all here in their fucking hoodies and that. I'm whacking them and looking like fucking James Bond. I bet they feel like mugs.

Girls didn't see it that way. The girls are like... They were having to laugh not to cry. They were really in good humour. I could tell Natalie's eyes were like, welled up. And she kept having to laugh to stop the water draining and spoiling her perfect make-up

that she'd spent fucking hours on. Aye. Just some canopies in the building. Nice canopies though. Aye. They had their heels on and they're trying to whack up the cobbles and they're just so undignified because

they weren't expecting this. Aye, I really should. I need to learn to read invites to things more. That was massive for them. To us it was a laugh. To us new, ten years later it's still a laugh. To them to us it was a laugh to us new 10 years later

that's still a laugh to them new it's still quite traumatised not the heck of going through that I bet it's why is it why is it

I mean I understand it's but man I don't get like overdressed I'm like I didn't know I don't think that's a thing

like I hang out with Rhys Nicholson who wears suits and ties fucking everywhere I'm like you can't be overdressed I couldn't give a's a thing. Like, I hang out with Rhys Nicholson, who wears suits and ties fucking everywhere. I'm like, you can't be overdressed. I couldn't give a fuck if I was overdressed, underdressed, undressed. I couldn't give a fucking flying fuck, mate.

When I come, remember I come to the Ivy? Were you, because you had a fucking, you were meeting a journalist to do an interview at the Ivy? I didn't know what the Ivy was. I travel in me slacks and I fucking end up in this, like,

members-only bar with me fucking Lonsdale trackies on. And I just felt like like you know what i'll probably look like more money than the rest of the country here because i look like i give less of a fuck i look like the olympics is coming up in a couple of months they probably think i'm one of the athletes probably not the way i keep going to the smoking area you could you could always be you could always fucking tell who the... Look, the richest person in the fucking bar, like in the posh bar or the posh restaurant, isn't the one wearing the most expensive suit.

The richest person in the bar is the person wearing fucking slacks and trainers because they're still allowed in the fucking restaurant. They're still allowed in the fucking bar. That's the one. Aye. They're not trying to blag their way in with flash gear. They're meant to be

there. That's why I like, man, whenever I have a fucking business class, I'm just like, I wear fucking horrible trousers and a big-ass fucking hoodie and I don't do my hair and I don't shave and I just hand over the ticket and they go, alright, Mr. Sons business class is there and all the other suited-up people they're looking at me and I'm't do my hair and I don't shave and I just hand over the ticket and they go alright Mr. Suss

business class is there and all the other suited up people they're looking at me and I'm like yeah yeah I get to fly in business class

without wearing a suit you're an uncomfortable fucking wanker you're going to be in discomfort the whole way why don't you mind your own

business class do you get all dressed up all smart to sit down on the couch and watch Line of Duty

you daft cunt you're fucking chilling you're chilling what are you dressed like that for Do you get all dressed up, all smart, to sit down on the couch and watch Lane of Duty? You're a daft cunt. You're fucking chilling. You're chilling. What are you dressed like that for? It's all the fucking new, man. The amount of fucking people in business class that sit there and they'll sit down immediately and they'll start just typing away.

And they're like, I never stop earning. And I'm like, you should. Because this is the fun bit. This is why we work. So that we enjoy this bit. Yes. is the fun bit like this is why we work so that we enjoy this bit yes um either that that thing with the dress code that it's it's so essential for the lasses and i didn't fully understand it i i think it's what it's one of those things where they go look it's they we have to dress up like this otherwise people are going to make mean comments about us and we go people are

people are your mates like do you reckon there's any guy there being like oh my god those two girls look overdressed what stupid bitches or are the two or the men going fucking hell those women look class who's actually making mean comments about you is it your own kind right well and then it's internal politics and i'll have nothing to do with it i'm not interested like if you're not going to be fucking bitchy, and again, look, in the same way that I don't expect you to join in with toxic masculinity, which fundamentally does fucking exist. I'm not going to

explain it to you, but it exists, and peer pressure exists, and I'm going to give into it all the time. That's my internal politics. If you're not going to make catty fucking comments about each other, so be it. So, Nat, this friend, Julie, and her her husband Gordon, right, they were going to a party,

and Julie was going to this Festival of the Dead, you know, like what you were saying, with your boots, the Mexican, like skulls. And Gordon was like, I'm wearing fucking Al Garner's The Hulk, just put a fucking ripped shirt on, fucking paint myself green and all that, right? And then they get there,

and Julie hadn't realised, and she told them, because her friends were at Al Garner's Festival of the Dead, right? So she was going with them, and she thought it and all that, right? And then they get there and Julie hadn't realised and she told them because her friends were all going to this Festival of the Dead, right? So she was going with them and she thought it was fancy dress.

It was just a Festival of the Dead and fucking Gordie rocking up as the Hulk and he's just rocking on this fucking Mexican festival fucking dressed like the Hulk. Blamed her.

Why? But like, I would have been fucking laughing my tits off like with that aye but if one of the broads aye

trying to think if I've got anything else to report oh a D a D I've got something else to report erm

I'm gonna be an uncle very soon oh aye Alex knock up eh eh I've got something else to report. I'm going to be an uncle very soon. Oh. Hi. Alex, knock up. Gav's gone into labour. Oh, Gav's gone into labour?

Gav has, aye. He's all started contracting. He started like... I thought he was a lecky. I didn't realise he was in a contract for the back. Aye. And so he's back Aye Aye I'm just excited any minute now I could be an uncle again right now this minute

I haven't looked at my phone Do you know what kind you're getting? Aye girl, ELA ELA May Jean Humphries Jean? He's chucked a Jean in there I can't wait to tell Ela. Ela May Jean Humphreys. Jean? He's chucked a Jean in there?

Oh, I can't wait to tell Jean. Oh, maybe I'll have to tell Jean. He reckons it's because it's her gran's name, but we all know that Jean made it cool. Like, the granny had the name, but right, unless Jean had made it cool, they wouldn't have found it cool enough for their child. So, Jean was definitely facilitated,

I reckon. Ela, Ela, spell E-L-A. Ela. E-L-A. Alright, okay. So... Is it short for anything? Elephant. Well, man, this is like, Cara points

this out to me. Like, one of my proper, like, Nazi stances I have in the world is about fucking names and how they're fucking spelled, right? And it's... It's Sanskrit for something. It means something in Sanskrit, but I can't remember what. Okay. So, hold on do I need to find out where

you cut in and cut out alright so anybody anyone listening to the podcast now I'm the only one talking Daniel's mics went down I'm going to have to edit them back in once he starts recording again but at the minute you're just stuck with me

right okay this is going to be a shitey little edit job for the other buddy so excited to do that it's my favourite part of running this podcast so I was saying that I've got a real fucking Nazi stance on names and

you don't get to change how names are spelled. Just because you're fucking quirky, and just because you're so fucking boring, and the only interesting thing about you is that you can spell a name incorrectly, and you think that makes it as a new name, is not a good enough reason to burden your fucking child

with a name like... Cara's got a friend. She goes, oh, she's just given birth. And I go, what's the son called? And she goes, oh, Zach. I go, oh, short for Zachary. And she goes, nope. And I go, well, it is.

It is short for Zachary. You don't get to fucking just change that rule. And she's like, well, no, it's just Zach with Z-A-K. And I'm like, oh, okay. So it's a made up name that's spelled wrong as well then. So it's Zach, which is short for Zachary, and it's spelled incorrectly. She goes, they're allowed to make up their own name.

I'm like, no, no, you're not. Like, you don't get it. The amount of people go, it's Jennifer with a G. No, it's fucking not. It's Jennifer with a J, and your parents are cunts. So I don't know if Ila's a common name did you find it I saw you were googling were you looking on something

Ila sounds Ila I think they've managed to do well there like they've made it sound so close to like a Scottish name that I'm like you know what that's probably an isle that we have the isle of Ila yeah well I just find it like, I feel like a lot of our friends

are doing like Ila's, Evie's, Eva, Eva. I feel like there's so many different variations of a very similar name that it's starting to get numerically tricky. It's getting to like, you know, the first 26 rows

of a theatre are A B C D E F G H and then the 27th row is A A and then A B and then like an Excel spreadsheet

aye so I'm gonna I'm gonna blast I'm gonna blast down Newcastle like ASAP like tomorrow the next day

and go and see my family so I haven't seen them in fucking ages either like six months because I just day. I can't see my family, so I haven't seen them in fucking ages either, like six months, because I just, once I got up here, borders closed and whatnot, so. Oh, man. I don't know if you can see this on the camera, but just, if you want to see who's just sent me

a fucking message. Oh, no, you're going to get my land. I've got a night off in fucking Melbourne tonight, stupidly, and he's found out, so. Yes, yeah, I nearly got a message off my land the other day asking if I was in Australia.

I was like, fucking, my heart still sank. I was like, oh, oh, no. I've got to get off the rails again. So are you going to let it happen? Are you going to lean into it? I'll go for some drinks. I'm not getting I'm not getting bullet man. Like I've been drinking

this entire time. Like when I get back I've finally done so much damage to my body and because when I come back to the UK like things are going to be open again. I've finally done so I've had a fun life I've had a real good fucking...

No restrictions on any of my enjoyment for 18 months. But the second I fucking land, the restrictions are right back on. I think that's how you do it. You sometimes have to just go on full throttle so that you can turn it around. Aye. And that's what Christmas

is for a lot of people. Christmas, they're just going fucking, I'm going to eat impossible amounts of chocolate. Because in January, I'll kick on. However long it lasts in January when you kick on, but... I'm in the worst fucking shape of my life, and I can't do it anymore. So, I mean, I've had fun. I don't fucking regret it.

It's been great. I've had fun, but it's fucking over, and I need to get back into that fucking gym. You want to be able to put mirrors back in your house? Aye, aye. Especially the one above the bed. Aye, that'll quagmire a mirror. Aye.

Your dad sucks his thumb through a straw. Your dad can't remember your name and that's why he keeps calling you son. Your dad cracks his knuckles before holding a baby. He's about to get a granddaughter. Your dad threw your mum and aunt at someone's party instead of a baby shower

before you were born. Your dad farts up wind and then runs as fast as he can down wind to try and catch it in his mouth. I bought a laser pointer and now I can make your dad jump around the living room like a cat. Your dad goes to the pet store to spit in the fish tanks. Your dad got his tits pinched by Matty. Some people flush their fish down the toilet

when it dies. Your dad dropkicks hamsters into the woods if he catches them hibernating. Lazy bastards. None under my roof. Your dad went to a furry party and played possum. You sound as tired as me, but it's one o'clock in the morning here and it's one o'clock

in the day where you are what's happening it's actually a massive lump no but because I'm here I've had obviously occasionally friends and fans will just drop me off fucking weed so even though I'm trying to fucking curtail my intake because I grew up in fife and

because there was so many times in my teenage years when just fife was dry and i just couldn't get fucking weed you'd go like a week or two without it you could party nobody could fucking find it i remember vividly making a vow to myself that i would never ever ever throw away weed right and and it weed and it's still really hard for me, I've done it twice before especially when you've got flights to be had and you know me man

there's nothing I love more than being stoned in an airport, I think it's the greatest experience in the fucking world it's to just panic smoke all of your weed before you get in the fucking Uber and then go, hope I make it through. It's so funny being paranoid at the airport.

It's actually quite nice because you just catch yourself being paranoid, isn't it? You feel like you're doing something really wrong. You feel like you're being naughty and you're just like, oh, I'm going to get caught being naughty. Do I show you these? Oh, your balls. Oh, gross.

I was thinking, were they still recording, man? Jesus. But they kind of say them. I just thought I'd get your reaction video. Look, Josephine got us these, a tin of rolled cones. Because you know how I just fold a spliff? And I just end up having square spliffs that spontaneously combust.

Aye. And the first light just takes it down to the halfway fucking point. Aye, and it's just burnt down one side. So I was struggling, and there's these tin of pre-rolled cones that you just fill up with a mix. I've been

enjoying them. I've just said, I just have them on the go. I didn't smoke a full spliff and get

proper stoned. I'll just go and have a couple of talks and then put it to one

side and go back and do it every now and again. Aye, that's what I like to

do. Make with Dawson's spliff. Aye, it's fucking,

I'm going to go finish the rest of this stuff off and then, the only reason I'm going to go finish the rest of this stuff off and then the only reason I'm tired is because I stayed up fucking smoking last night and also watching Dungeons and Dragons because I'm a fucking loser nice, so have you done a

have you done a podcast with Nick Cody for Thursday? no right, so I fucking turned up to Cody's show yesterday because I'm like we'll just do we'll do a podcast after your show. And he's like, yeah, great. Absolutely fucking brilliant. And we get there and we just end up fucking drinking.

And he's like, because we're doing a gig on Tuesday together. He's opening for me in Melbourne. Nice. And as is Bart Freeburn. So he's like, should we just do a podcast after that show? And I was like, yeah, all right. So fucking, can just stay there

have a couple of drinks with him and his SAS mates and then come back and Jean's like how was the podcast and I'm just drunk and high and I'm like didn't do one

she's like it's the only reason you left the house and I was like whoopsie I got with Cody had a great chat for an hour didn't record any of it

should have pressed record well yeah I'm going to be holding the baby most of next week so that's over to you for the Thursday one yeah yeah no I promise you I'll get at least one in with fucking Cody so when you're back I'm missing you I leave next Sunday

and I get back to the UK on the Monday and then it's all about the fucking of me

because I've got to fucking self-isolate and I've got got to get my tests on like day two and I'm still

not sure what the rules are yet like because in Australia like if you test negative twice in the space of like five days

you can end your self-isolation there because you just don't fucking have it I'm not sure if that's the rules in Scotland yet and it's changing every day so I'll find out when I'm back Okay and then we go on the road from the 28th or something don't we? 20 something? We're going to Inverness and then from then on it's going to be

it's going to be Sloss and Humphries on the road again We're going to have more stuff to talk about I think we've done good digging into fucking 50 hours of content from lockdown well I mean the worst, do you not remember the fucking earlier episodes where we were just phoning each other over the

phone, man those were some of our definitely weakest episodes of just two friends checking in on each other I think we trimmed a lot of the influx that came from Netflix we really got rid of them in that period

we really got a dune to this call that we brought over these good eggs right let's stop recording there then I'll send this over to you stop