Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.19 Defence Mechanisms

Episode Date: May 12, 2021

The final cross continent zoom podcast before Cream heads back from Australia to record episode 4.20 in person, might even roll a doob for that occasion. In this episode Cream congratulates Uncle Muggins on his childbirth efforts.

Another week, another Muggins and Cream podcast for you all. This is a fun one. It's Daniel's last day in Australia. His bags are packed. He's ready to leave for the airport. But before he did, he hit record and we had our last remote podcast where we're doing it over Zoom. We're talking about what defence mechanisms you would use

depending on which animal you were. And we come up with a pretty solid Dumbo origin story. That's in there. We did turn into talk sport for a bit and talk about football, so some of you might want to skip past that to the weather. I know some of you didn't like the football chat, but Daniel's team got in the Champions League final, so cut him some slack.

It was a fun podcast. I enjoyed it. I had a laugh. It's nine in the morning here. I was sat with my coffee. What a good way to start the day. So over to you. You can start your day with this podcast now

and hopefully it'll uplift you as it did me. Enjoy, everybody. Thank you to those of you who have signed up to Patreon. Early access every Monday. Bonus episodes every Thursday. Rewind Wednesdays every Wednesday. Teas and C's apply. Please ask the Bill Pales permission.

P is stored in the balls. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head to make you laugh. Hello motherfuckers We could have just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Hello motherfuckers and welcome to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. Very exciting episode because this will hopefully be the last time that we're not together for it. This is my last day in Australia. I fly in about fucking six hours.

We survived the remote part of the podcast. It's good that it's going to get easier now that you're like, oh, the world opens, we're going to be on the road again. It's going to be easier to do the podcast now. Yes, and well, I mean, hopefully we get to do one face-to-face next week, but it does all depend on, obviously, my self-isolating

and I've got to do a test on fucking day two and whatever it is. So hopefully we'll get to do it. So we might have to do this when you're just up the road. Aye, aye. Very annoying. Just like fucking... Well, it'll be better because it'll be a Scottish internet connection.

So it'll just be faster in that sense. Or, if you want, you can come and do it in the office and I'll just do it from Cara's office upstairs so we can be within like should we do it like I'm visiting you in prison should we should we do it

through the you know how I've got the glass walls in my living room you on one side me on the other side I'm pressing just put our palms

to the screen pressing my nipple up against the glass just me licking the other side I've got just me licking the other side and the milk spraying down the other side I'm going to knock you a 33 turn up my arsehole

how's life? how you been? you're heading home, aren't you? yeah, go on congrats on being an uncle thanks mate thanks mate that's funny I didn't want to step on your congratulations

I was like no no I worked really hard at this I want my congratulations yeah you did I remember you telling me you guided Gav's penis in for the conception so if anything it's as much your baby as it is theirs

I encouraged him I was screaming at him like an old man at the book, he's shouting at the telly come on, get in there, come on I've got 20 quid riding on this just finish at least at least get that little man off your back

you'll go faster so I, my brother, my brother had a baby. Walked off. Had a child. And oh my god, he is fucking smitten man. He's overwhelmed

with joy and that's really it's really infectious when you're around somebody that's overwhelmed with joy. Well, that's why I imagine you do this that's why you do this podcast isn't it just to be in my presence and feed off my energy that was me dropping hints

hey in my defence I'm very excitable around babies like that's probably when I'm one of my happiest so yeah and she's fucking when I'm, like, one of my happiest. So, yeah. Aye, and she's, she's fucking gorgeous, man. And I,

like, and I, like, you know, when it's, like, yours, and it's your family's,

you're gonna say they're gorgeous. But I think I can objectively say that's, like, a, that's, like, a safely cute baby.

You know what I mean? Aye. Aye. Because you know how some people, you have to go, aye, aye, they're cute.

And you're like, fuck, man, I hope that was just damage off the birth canal and they grew out of that aye, you just hope, clearly there were some ugly branches up that vagina and they hit every single one on the way out but more important than the healthiness

than the healthiness, than the cuteness is healthiness, like cuteness is healthiness like absolute fucking healthy baby you know like just doing face gymnastics all the time and you just love looking at it they did the they did like a

they did a real birth in a hospital they didn't do one of those fucking hippie home births I think it was Gavin he's quite a hippie person yeah yeah I think they're both proper hippies like you get out of the house

and you fucking kind of get moved for dream catcher I got caught in a dream catcher once I was like who's been dreaming about me oh and why am I wet

what type of dream is this ah ah so I think I think I think anyone can be a hippie until there's a there's an £8

child trying to push out of them and then they just fucking stick us with an epidural pal that's the thing at the moment I'm at Biebs and Mallory's house, my Scottish friend from home and his lovely wife and she's a nurse

and obviously Biebs and Gav are close and he asked if the baby had arrived and I was just, and obviously Biebs and Gav are close and he asked if the baby had arrived. And I was like, yeah, you know, all safe. You know, a bit of a difficult labour, but they're all healthy and happy now. And Mal was just saying like, and that's why you never have home births because one difficulty

and both your wife and child are dead. Like you need to have a baby home births because one difficulty and both your wife and child are dead. You need to have a baby within 50 feet of at least 20 doctors. Otherwise, if something goes wrong... Kitchen floor babies are the reason that people had eight kids because only

three of them would stick. You know what I mean? People used to have real multiple kids just to fucking keep the numbers up aye just being like look some of these

will survive and some of them won't and that's how I'll decide which ones I'll have man they used to not name kids until they were four just to not get attached

well no and also not to waste not to waste like a good name like you name your first baby Dave that's your dad's name

that's what you're going to be called and then Dave dies, you're not going to name the other one Dave 2, Electric Boogaloo, sorry, that's such a shit joke sorry 2 Dave 2 Furious is that true? is that true?

they didn't waste the good name? yeah, well I don't know if it was it wasn't necessarily they didn't waste a good name, but there was no point fucking naming a kid. Like, the first years of the kid's life, especially if you're living in a fucking hovel where you shit in the same room as you eat and whatnot.

Aye. That's why I don't name pets until seven years in. In case you want to name your kid Snowy. Yeah, just in case. Rover. I didn't... Hey, it's just

like on this podcast. I didn't name Cara until like a year and a half into our relationship. She was just called Peggy up until then. And then I decided I'd be with her. That is true. And I'd bequeathed her with her name that is true and then

and then I didn't I didn't name Natalie until I heard someone using her name and I was like oh thank god that's her name I've just

slightly racist nicknames I was really styling it out there when I was calling her Dirk I knew I knew

I knew she wasn't Kristen Dirk I wasn't 100%. Wasn't there, how could you tell? So either was. I remember the first time you and Natalie

started going out. You upset her? I did, because I nicknamed her Fatley. Not because she's fat, but just because fat rhymes with

Natalie. In the same way that I call Elliot smellier. He doesn't smell. He smells lovely. And you were calling me Plumfries, Kai Plumfries and Fatley Lane. Aye, because that's funny.

That's funny. But she didn't know you. And she wasn't meant to see the message, so it wasn't like you were bantering with her. I was showing her the picture I sent you on the conversation with you, and it popped up and I was fatly.

Well, it's because I've got big Ali, little Ali, and fat Ali, so I've got to distinguish between the three of them. And the next photo I sent was her giving you the middle finger well me and her giving you the middle finger and it was that photo we used to get a finger ratio

for the engagement ring so if anything like you're welcome she should apologise to me because of that photo you got it right first time well I actually went one size too big the first time because we got it right but went a size too big

so it would fit so it boils down because you called Natalie fatly I got her a ring that was too big that was the chain of events oh right so I did fuck up I also man when I was buying Cara's ring like I gave the guy her ring size,

and he was like, man, there's no way that's her ring size. Like, you've read it wrong. We'll do two above that. And then, sure enough, we get the ring that's too big. And she goes, no, this is the actual size. And I'm like, I knew it. I didn't have the confidence. But when this guy was like, look,

unless you're proposing to an actual toddler, there's no way this will fit her fingers. And I was like, how little you know me, sir. So you'd rather be too big and get it on in that moment, though, than it be too small and it doesn't... Imagine the anti-climax of that proposal if you just said, oh, well, put on your pinky. And you can just...

You're going to propose to her and she ends up pimping you? Just putting on her pinky along with her fucking coke nail. Just making her look like the biggest G in the world. Down on my knee, will you? Haul me out. And slip it on her middle finger and live a life of servitude. Aye, she slapped me across the face and that was a yes. Ring side down as well.

Turned it fucking in right across the jaw. Hairy side. Aye. Wait, the palm's hairy. No, I meant the back hand. Oh, I meant like she rotated it round into the palm. So the jewel

was part of the palm slap. I see what you did there. A little theatre of the mind of domestic abuse that you painted for everybody. So I went back and hugged a baby. And that was really cool. And we had the whole family together

for the first time since, oh, it would have been November on my way up to Scotland when I first moved back up to Scotland. And I thought they were on their way to Dune. Don't tell me how your dad is because I know who your dad is and I'll tell you how he is at the end of the podcast.

But how's your mum? I reckon they're dad jokes. I thought you were like, what? What's the secret of a good dad? He just walks into this room. He just walks into this room he just walks into Beavis' house just on camera

he's like hey guys surprise I arrived for Daniel's last day I was going to say he must have literally darted to the airport

when I left his house because I haven't been back long I've been back about long enough for him to get to Australia that's how we timed it man but it's so weird

because even though I hadn't seen me dad since September, I feel like I've seen him loads because we play Rocket League on a pretty regular basis. Like three, four times a week. It's a good way to stay in contact with your dad as long as you don't mind your relationship with your father just being you calling each other useless cunts for 45 minutes. Why did you nudge us just man, I had that.

Anyway, love you. Classic father bonding time. So, you know. I think it's like, because I've played games, like me, my dad, my brother's played Worms for a bit during lockdown. And my dad had that thing. Because my dad grew up on the

computer. I literally got one for his I think when he was like 11 or 12 years old he asked my gran for a computer and she was like we are working class in what fucking world are you getting a computer you mad cunt tell you what if you save up money right for your Christmas

we'll give you the other half of the money and you can put that towards and the computer that the computer that all this family drama is about is just like a thousand pound machine that plays a game of 2d tennis oh yeah and also you've got to program it to do that as well like it's uh so my dad gets downstairs one christmas morning and there's an envelope there and it's you know he's like let's let's have the money in it so he opens it last and it says look behind the curtain and he looks behind the curtain and my grandparents had splashed out and they've got his computer so in his head because he's had a computer for the longest time he thinks

he's the best at pc in the same way that i think because i had the original xbox that i'm just superior on the x, despite the fact that I'm not, and I've just not updated my opinion of myself on it. You think as you played the first Halo that you're the best at first person shooters, but people who start first person shooters now get off

to such a better start because they're playing a better game from the beginning. Like your dad's formative years of computers is playing Pong, whereas your formative years would have been, like... T-Bag and Cunts. T-Bag and Cunts on Halo. So your early years is much more advanced training

than his was. Aye. Well, so his argument was, because we were playing Worms, he was like, oh, you know, you'll beat me at all the first-person shooters, but, like, Worms came out when I was, like, I don't know how old he was, because we were playing Worms, he was like, oh, you know, you'll beat me at all the first-person shooters. But Worms came out when I was, I don't know how old he was, 15 or 20.

He was like, I used to play this, I'll be fucking great at this. Absolutely spanked the cunt. Like, it must be... I imagine that's like the nerd equivalent of, you know, if you're like a jock dad, a sports dad, and you play pick-up basketball with your son, or you play football with them and you're trying to teach them how to get better so you're you know you always let them come close to winning but you never actually let them win because they've got to learn how to be a gracious

loser as well and how to push themselves and then there's the one day where your son finally beats you that was my dad's version just with worms just a a much nerdier version. Instead of this beautiful moment where I dunk on him, the cunt just rockets himself off the side of the map and all three of his sons laugh at him until he leaves the Zoom call. That was part of the Matthew McConaughey book

was his brother passing the right of passage and becoming a man by beating his dad in a drunken fight in the barn. That was that for you. That was your Texas redneck drunken fight in the barn. That was that for you. That was your Texas redneck drunken fight in the barn rite of passage. Dad turns out to be like, I'm the fucking king of worms. Also, please don't read into that.

Don't read that my nickname. I take it back. I take it back. Oh, God. Here's a question for you. Have you listened so the Patreon episode this week is an episode that

me and Gene finally got round to doing, have you listened to it yet? no, I just downloaded it, I haven't listened to the one with Bart and Cody yet either I've got some listening to do the one with Gene and Eric right, so I just, oh sorry Gene, I took an edible

just before we go on because I got some really decent ones and you know edibles take about 45 minutes to an hour to kick in

and they were good edibles really strong edibles but around the 40 fucking minute mark in my head I'm like I am absolutely

crushing this like these are some of the funniest riffs I've ever had like Jean's also laughing at my jokes because she's a good co-host. You know, she's a steamroller over them. But then I'm also just like thinking back.

Shots fired. So I'm just very curious because I want to listen to it back now to find out if I was actually as funny as I thought I was being or whether I was just interrupting a woman for 45 minutes. Which to be fair

Wait, hold on, fucking hell Is Jean the first woman on this podcast? No, no, Becky Lucas has done it before. Now Jean was the first woman on this podcast but this is her second time on. Oh yes, yes, yes, Aye, aye, aye. So it's on quite an early episode as well. I listened

to it back recently. Aye, that was the one where you called me out and being the toxic flatmate. Aye. Aye, the jammy pockets episode where you stashed a pen in your jacket pocket to say that it was there all along

when you'd actually been sleeping with a pen. You'd been asleep with a pen in your jacket pocket to say that it was there all along when you'd actually been sleeping with a pen. You'd been asleep with a pen in your pocket. Oh. Just in case I wake up inspired in the middle of the night, I've got to write this down. You never know when it strikes you. You wake up and you've got a wet patch on your leg

and you're like, oh, I know I've had a wet dream and it's just fucking watered. It's squid ink. I've just just... Oh my ink. I've just just... Oh my God. I'm just just squizzing, squinting all over my leg.

Clearly I was having some sort of nightmare and my only self-defense mechanism was to try and squirt myself away from it. It's such an odd wet drink. Defense mechanism. Oh. I think that's got to be one of the fucking weirder defence mechanisms of

animals, like a turtle going into a shell, fair enough that makes sense like is it a head end, there you go can't get through but fucking just jizzing a bunch in somebody's face so they can't fucking see, because that begs the cloud. That's not fight or flight.

No, that's just, that's a Mario Kart punishment. It's actually the fourth way because I've spoken about this before where there's fight, flight and freeze. You can freeze and do nothing. That's the rabbit in the headlights. But there's,

what did you say? Did you say that's a Mario Kart defence? Yeah, like you just, it's like, it would be like a monkey self-defence mechanism, throwing banana skins at the feet of a lion. Like, it's just so... It would be like a tortoise's

self-defence firing off the shell. Just the crocodiles. Like, one of the teenage ones that's fucking grown up, it's ready to go for one of his bigger kills, and just the parentsiles like one of the teenage ones that's fucking grown up it's ready to go for one of his bigger kills and just the parents be like look at this daft cunt he's going for a blue shell

he's got no idea he's gonna get halfway down he's gonna get halfway down the river and then he's gonna get fucking nuked just as its maw opens up it fires off into a smooth and it's just choking what would you here's a boring stoner question and it was smooth and it was just choking. Oh!

What would you... Here's a boring stoner question or a first date question. If you were an animal, what would your self-defense mechanism be? Which animal? If I was a giraffe, I'd put my neck into my shell and retract my neck right in

like a tortoise and just have like and all the skin's like wrinkled up like a quadruple sink tuple chin aye just like a proper proper small cock with too much foreskin

but the legs stay out just to make it easier to run through tunnels you know those tunnels that you get in the wild? The one that Wile E. Coyote drew onto the mountainside If I was a giraffe I'd hit a lop If I was an giraffe, I'd hit a lop. If I was an elephant,

just fucking two copters. One trunk copter. Spin that fucking round around. And then also, same with my cock, just in case any lions try to go for the fucking underside. And your tail. And you just float off.

You float off like a drone. That's what they based the movie Dumbo on. But they were like, animate out the cock bit. It's a Disney movie. We can't. There's no way this would be made. You're going to have to use that.

Yes. You can't use the cock. You're going to have to use the ears. The writer's just there going, I always just fucking twist the script don't that i always take all the good bits out the script doesn't even make sense what he has like they don't flap they've got no autonomy over them they're for listening why are they like you'll be deaf for half the flight stupid stupid they've stopped they've stopped it even being a defense mechanism involved just a recreational activity.

It doesn't make any even sense. Anybody who's wrote a script. Well, I mean, obviously my constant fucking bickering with my hatred for the BBC started with the fact that, well, I'm like, here's a really good idea for a show. And they were like, great, we love it. We're just going to change everything and the concept. And then the writers were like, okay,

two very talented writers. We're like, oh, we'll try our best to make a script with this shit storyline that you've come up with. And then the BBC came in and were like, great, great, we love it. But these bits just seem a bit weird. And you go, yeah yeah they're punchlines like they're

they're jokes and they were just like that's not gonna be cut it all out we're just gonna dip and instead of instead of having the character

instead of having the character that you've written can we just like call it Daniel and just it'd be you like defeats the point of writing

defeats the point of writing oh man the fucking name of the show was the point of writing. Defeats the point of writing. Oh man, the fucking name of the show was The Adventures of Daniel. Like just such a first brand idea. And they were like, we love it. You weren't even famous yet. Were they just trying to do it because Chris Rock had like,

did Chris Rock not have it? Everyone hates Chris. Yeah. And that was an answer to everyone loves Raymond. So what we've learned, right, is with the adventures of Daniel, that is them taking a script and just making it their own and putting your name on it and embarrassing you by it, right?

In Muff is nobody having any influence, us just going too far off the rails and isolating a lot of the viewers. What we need, Daniel, is just a bit of balance. Aye, aye. Like, Muff was meant to be such a, like, okay, we're going to stick it to the map, we're going to do it our own way.

And it's like, oh, turns out we don't know how to write scripts or direct. But which one did you like more, Muff or Adventures of Daniel? Oh, Muff. By of Daniel oh Muff by Miles yeah like it was funner because at least like Muff sucked because

of us and the budget it was like a low production value yeah we got five fucking grand and I mean we very much should have when we got five grand we and I mean and we very we very much should have when we got five grand we should have just made

one episode and filmed that over four weeks as opposed to just going fuck it six episodes in four weeks that's how we're going to get it done

with a fourth of the quarter of the budget that we fucking wanted yeah aye we should have gotten something to pitch we should have just put that all into

making something we could have pitched aye aye and then also man also like if you want a good version of Muff

just go watch 30 Rock like that's what that's the is that what 30 Rock is that's what I'm thinking yeah well I know I see it along the

similar oh it's it's good man like there's it's one of those shows where the people that fucking love it like it's like people

who love The Office they just think it's the greatest show on Earth. And they're so fucking obsessed by it. But, I mean, it is good. I'll get through it because I've been... When I do my morning workouts now, I've been putting Brooklyn Nine-Nine on because you can get, like, two episodes in while you're working out. And I'll get through all of those.

Because I've never seen Community, Parks and Rec, 30 Rock. Like, there's loads of, like, sitcoms I haven't seen. Do Parks and Rec before you do uh community uh but also that i mean and as with most american sitcoms you have to give it a season right which is the main difference between uk tv and american tv american tv is like hey we'll give you two seasons to find your fucking feet get into it and we'll sort of trust the process as much as we can. I don't mind if I'm using it as a distraction from something

else, you know, if you've got it on. You've got it on like a podcast while you're doing something else. But if I'm just sitting down at the end of Natalie's work day to watch something, I didn't want to fucking waste an evening just investing myself in becoming a victim

of Stockholm Syndrome with a series Aye, aye it'll make you have a Parks and Rec will make you have a real, real profound love of Chris Pratt until you read anything he's ever said or any of what his opinions are

We've spoken about this before haven't we? The less you know about Chris Pratt the more you're going to enjoy his work. Yeah, yeah. Oh, man, it's something that me and Cam James talk about all the time, which is just how much of a properly thick cunt Chris Pratt is. Just a real not...

He's like, when the director of Guardians of the Galaxy got fired for fucking tweets from, you know, five, six years ago or whatever it was, and all the Guardians of the Galaxy got fired for fucking tweets from you know five six years ago or whatever it was uh and all the Guardians of the Galaxy cast immediately came out like Dave Bautista was like fuck this I'm not doing the next one I'm standing by him like uh Zoe uh I'm gonna tell Saldana uh she was like I'm not doing it fucking Vin Diesel was like I am Groot which meant that he wasn't doing it either and Chris Pratt was like Chris Pratt was like, I'm not doing it. Fucking Vin Diesel was like, I am Groot, which meant that he wasn't doing it either. And Chris Pratt was like,

Chris Pratt was like, I'm going to go pray on this. And you're like, you fucking dweeb, man. Have a fucking spine. Jesus Christ. Well, I'm just going to sit down in a room. I'm going to put my hands together and I'm just going to... He's a fucking Republican is what he is. What were the tweets?

Because there's got to be a time-to-tweet ratio on what's acceptable. Was it right on the balance of like, ah, it was six years ago? Because if six years ago he was all like, fucking Hitler had some good ideas, he'd just picked the wrong people. You'd be like,

that needs to be longer than six years ago. He needs to have more years of reform. The thing is but it wasn't shitty opinions he got cancelled for it was shitty jokes he did a bunch of shitty crap like edgelord fucking bits that weren't funny and this is the really fucking annoying bit where

just people go look at this thing that they said and you go you know that's a joke and they go well that they said. And you go, you know, that's a joke. And they go, well, it wasn't funny. And you go, fine, absolutely. It wasn't funny. But that doesn't negate the fact that it was still intended as a fucking joke. Just because you didn't laugh at something

doesn't mean you get to change it and be like, well, that must have been a statement of fucking fact. As comedians, even though this guy wasn't a fucking comedian, like the reason I will never ever apologise for a joke is because it's just a joke and I'll admit if I've missed the mark and I'll fucking admit if it's too fucking close

to the bone or it's not clever enough to be justified on stage or if it's just fucking shit I'll admit it's a shit joke but I'm not apologising for a shit joke in the same way that fucking footballers don't apologise for missed free kicks

like you fucking get on you move on like you know good good time and Sergio Aguero just tweeted apologising

for his penalty did he I didn't look he fucking connected the stupid he tried to he tried to think

get down the middle would have won them the Premier League they'll still win the Premier League you just have to wait for longer they're going to wait

a bit I mean I'm so like I cannot believe that Chelsea are in the fucking Champions League final and I am and you've just beat

Man City the last two times you've played them you've got the psychological edge over them aye aye but I just man oh god

I'm going to be such a fucking wreck that day and I shouldn't be because we've done really well to get into two fucking finals

with a manager fired halfway through the fucking season is amazing but when you're in a final man you just

you want and also you don't fucking get to win your first Champions League final right Chelsea lost in our first ones against Man United.

We lost on fucking penalties. And then we came back fucking five years later and we won it against Bayern Munich. You don't get to win the first one. That would just be very, very unfair. Thomas Tuchel was in a Champions League final last year. It's his second year. We're in a Champions League final.

He's got it in. He'll have it fresh in his mind this is what I'm going to do differently this time he's going to have like experience or he's going to have

a losing mentality and it's so fucking hard at the moment just with I know some people hate football chat but fucking here we are Timo Werner man

like I know I know the man misses shots I know he misses shots unless he's offside unless he's offside. Unless he's offside and he finishes clinically and then the flag goes up. Why can't you finish like that when you're not offside?

Aye. And he's also, but he works so hard. I feel genuine fucking... Because he's been involved in like 20 of our last 25 goals. You can't not play him. You can't not play him. You can't not play him. You can just put your money on it that he's going to miss a clear chance within a game.

I hope we don't fucking sell him. I want to give him an extra season. But then again, there's no rumours that obviously we might be going in for Haaland. But also there's no rumours that we might be going for Lewandowski. Really? That would be fucking...

That would be unreal. I can't say I'm leaving Bayern. But what does it feel like for you that do you feel confident? Chelsea are doing so fucking good at the minute under Thomas Tuchel. Do you feel confident or do you just feel a bit like you're in a domestic relationship where you just

know it's going to go foul again? You're in an abusive relationship, sorry? Where you're in a domestic relationship where you just know it's going to go foul again like you're in an abusive relationship sorry you're in a honeymoon period with a fucking lover that's already hit you I think it's going to be this bit where one of the major things I hate about fucking Chelsea

is the revolving door policy I think Chelsea fans can be so shit sometimes and so fucking fickle, like give a manager more time to get into the squad. I'm genuinely worried that if Thomas Tuchel loses the FA Cup in the Champions League, he'll just be fired. And it's like, no, come on, he got us there.

He got us there halfway through the fucking season. You could say Frank Lampard done all the hard work and then he just took the lid off the jam jar which is not the case if you've been watching it's not the case he absolutely fixed it

that was a nice little squeal that was a nice little squeal that was genuine raw excitement talking about Frank. I know. Like, I was devastated when Lampard got fired, just because, again, I didn't think it was enough time.

Like, yes, he spent a lot of money, but it's this thing, when people talk about how much money a club has spent, and specifically, like, Havertz cost fucking 85 million, and he's not been that good. You go, you know he didn't pick his own price, right? You know, like, he had nothing to do with the expectations, he was just signed by a club they valued him, that's what they were willing to pay

for the future thing, you can hardly fucking you know, hold it against this kid who's just like, I didn't say I was worth 75 fucking million, I'm just happy to be here That's when people bring wages into play and all that

like he gets paid so much a week and he missed that shot and you're like aye but that that shot's that shot and whatever

you're getting paid like it's not like he's been bribed to score he's trying his best regardless he's trying to he's trying to score

the goal and if he if he misses it's not because we didn't bribe him enough it's because he fucking missed yeah it's not because we didn't bribe him enough. It's because he fucking missed. Yeah, it's not like he was sat there one kick away from winning the FA Cup. And he was like, you know what?

250 grand a week is just not enough for this. Dink! If I got Fredman Fuse in, that would be it. That's not why Aguero panicked at the fucking thing he wasn't like you know what I'm going for a new contract I'm going to chip this right

at one of the greatest keepers in the Premier League currently and it is it is ridiculous that they get all that money but like and I can see

people that aren't into football and I can see all the arguments about they shouldn't be getting paid that much but that's how much money is in the

in the industry there's so much money in the industry with like TV rates and sponsorship and all the fucking everything going on. Who do you want to have that money? Do you want that to go out to the owners?

Give it to the athletes of course. Give it to the athletes. Give more. But it's such Tory capitalistic thinking being like they shouldn't be paid this much when all these people only get paid this much. She goes, right, so let's pay them more. Let's pay nurses and policemen and firemen more. Let's not bring down the fire.

The money is there. Like, I agree with you that there should not be as big a disparity between what a footballer earns and what a fucking nurse or police officer or anyone in the public service earns. But the way to fix that remedy isn't to lower the wages of the footballers, it's to

increase the wages of everyone fucking else. Yeah and also the increasing of the wages of the nurses would be like these people are getting taxed so the more they get paid, the more tax they're getting, the more

that's going into the system to pay your nurses so like that man they they don't need the nurses don't need any more money

I don't know how many times how many claps they fucking need like just go down go down to Tesco right tell them that you got clapped

a bunch and then just hand them over the claps that should be you know I mean it blows my fucking mind. And look,

if you want the nurses to get paid more, put them on fucking Sky Sports on a Saturday afternoon when everyone's off work, put some Virgin Money sponsorship boards in the background, rake it in for the nurses week and sit at home dressed as nurses. With my favourite scrubs on just watching a live surgery

and she just nicks an artery and you're like you stupid bitch what are you doing what are you doing the anise in the tits of one guy the anise in the tits of one guy the anise in the tits needs glasses the tooth needs glasses you must be pretty pretty chuffed now

that Newcastle are safe aye yeah that was that was that was main blow and like I was fucking hammered Chelsea who are third

4-2 well we're in 4-0 and in the last no you didn't you hammered Leicester mate you didn't you didn't fuckingicester mate you didn't fucking touch Chelsea are you third now

because of that aye aye we're third now you beat Leicester 4-2 aye they were third when we did it that's why I fucking we're not going to talk

about like the let's stay on football let's really fucking trim the herd on our podcast let's get into the political side of it that everyone can understand.

The Super League that they were going to put together with the top six clubs and immortalise them. Leicester, right? Before they played Newcastle there, there was only two teams ahead of them in the league and there was only two other teams that had won the league since they won it. That tells me they're in the top three of that tells me

they're in the top three of Premier League teams over the last fucking five five years over the last five years they're in the top three and they don't even get a sniff

in the top six because they've just fucking somehow immortalised like the 90s and the early 1000s in their heads

and went like Tottenham wasn't usually up there you're like look at the league they're fucking ninth man they haven't won

anything Arsenal continuously talk Arsenal fans consistently talking about like oh you know we've won

we've won five or six European trophies and you go aye do you have any photos of that do you have like like is that

is that the poster you had on your wall as a kid? A match that happened 20 fucking years before you were born? Or have you been a fan of them ever since they've been shite? What happened? Can I watch a replay of them in their glory days on a widescreen TV or does it cut the sides off?

Am I watching it on my laptop with an option to press teletext? Aye. Is it just there? Aye, teletext. Do you want to go on a little bit further? I can put Red Star, Belgrade and PSV Eindhoven in the Super League as well, you fucking daft cunts.

We've won more league titles. So you go, aye, but not since the league got good. Aye, so have Nottingham Forest I've found the whole element of pride comes before fall about that Super League thing has been fucking

schadenfreude at it's finest like you're very lucky that Chelsea along with Man City are like the only clubs that haven't just been making an absolute tit of themselves since they decided that they were super duper like they've all been

fucking getting beat off Newcastle, fucking drawn against Fulham, not qualifying for the Champions League, not qualifying for Europe it's it was it was so weird to see like

because obviously after the Super League was announced there was protests outside Stamford Bridge in London and then there was

just that clip of like when it got announced that Chelsea were pulling out of the Super League all the Chelsea fans just going

we say football we say football you go right I. And you go, right, I get where you're coming from. But we also, we did try to ruin it. This is the whole, it's the exact same kind of, when

everyone's pulling Boris Johnson's cock off because of the vaccine rollout, and you're like, oh, he's the reason for so many deaths. He's the reason that so many people died because of this.

if you, I was having a conversation about it with my dad. I went, daf, I got shit in your car. And then I did a solid job of cleaning the shit

off your car. You're going to shake me hands and say thanks for cleaning me car. You know what, you owned up to your fucking mistakes you did it it still stinks you can still

tell I've been there because there's still the effects of it Al I just fucking it's mad it's mad so I Chelsea saying they save football I love how they try to take ownership

of that as well where you save football where it's like it wasn't we it wasn't we when you were going into it but it is we when you come out of it well to be fair to be fair the fans never signed us up to it so I guess it was the fans chanting

because of our fucking protest because of what we said it made Chelsea pull out of the Super Cup. And because of our reaction, we saved football. I get it in that sense. I disagree to respect that. You pushed them to pull out of it,

but you didn't push them to enter it, is what you're saying. Which is the fans... But the fans did, over the course of fucking 15 years, push Chelsea to go for a Super League by being overjoyed with all this Russian money that's coming

in, with having a privilege and a leg up and an advantage over every other club. You're happy to an extent and then when it comes too far, you disconnect from it. It's like somebody that's in a room torturing somebody and then the person that's torturing dies. And then they were like, well, I didn't want to kill them. I just wanted

to electrocute them a little bit. I just wanted to hear their secrets. Come on. I didn't think it would go that far. And you were like, what, really? You didn't think all that greed and all that lust for power would go too far, did you not?

Because I saw you fucking celebrating when you were winning stuff with all that money. You seemed dead happy. Oh, man. Again, that was the bit where I was like, man, I know what I signed up to as a Chelsea fan. We're an evil club run by a fucking Russian autocrat

with a surprisingly racist fan base. Now obviously those aren't the reasons I support Chelsea but you have to just be like alright this is sadly what I've got to deal with sometimes and I'm not going to fucking pretend that I've not benefited off of all of the money and all of

the success. I laugh at the fucking hypocrisy I see in myself because you've got to fucking identity. There's hypocrisy everywhere in the world right now. You've got it identified in yourself when you say it. But fuck, man. I'll sit here holier than thou with this fucking like, Super League shit, but oh my god, I had a bag

of cans in the fridge when I thought we were going to be taken over by the Saudis! The Saudis! Oh, man. I would have happily just fucking closed that fucking window closed the blinds onto the fucking aye

on the moral side of things I just enjoyed killing a nabappi as a black boy aye let's not mention the crimes against humanity and let's just enjoy that the dark clouds are going to be lifted over Tyneside. Look, yeah, look, it's the same way. Like, the pyramids are nice to look at,

as long as you ignore the fact that they were built by thousands of slaves that definitely died. Class view, though. Class view. It's like that, but with football. Hey, we won a league. How did you get the money? Come on, let's not read into it too much. We won the league. But how did you get the money come on let's not read into it too much

we won the league but how did you win the league ah you know spirit everybody and I'm attacking everybody who's given it

this fucking holy other now about the Super League teams they're gonna watch the World Cup and that is no different

like what 4,000 years later that's no different to the 4,000 years later that's no different to the pyramids oh man the next one is in fucking Qatar

do you know how many men died in the building of those fucking stadiums it's the same it's the same stats as the pyramids like in 2020 21

it's aye the fucking the blood cost of them stadiums is like reprehensible like it's

we can't we can't watch that world cup because of it but but we will but we will aye

what's that about I'll be sitting there why don't we just go I'll be sitting there I'll be sitting there in whatever whatever sitting there I'll be sitting there in whatever other team is against England in the group and I'll be wearing one of their shirts that was also

definitely not made under humane conditions and I'll be watching it on the TV being like I'm just going to put up my blinkers just to everything that went wrong to allow this to happen and I'm going to try and enjoy myself It's like coke It's like that went wrong to allow this to happen and I'm going to try and enjoy myself. It's like coke.

It's like... Vegans do coke. I know a lot of vegans that do coke. It's like, what, you're ethical towards animals but not people and children. Well, whenever people go, oh, you know, you do coke, you know that's really bad and the trade there is evil.

And you go, hey, hey, hey, I'd buy it if if it was humane i'd buy the legal fucking version of it right it's not my fault as the fucking consumer that there's blood involved in this it's the government's fault for making it so fucking impossible to get if you want to if you want to diminish the drug trade and all the deaths that are involved in it it's not by stopping the consumers doing coke. It's by making the trade more ethical and regulated and all of this stuff. Now, don't get me wrong. I personally don't think coke should ever be legalised. But I do think it should be decriminalised

and then, you know, just done a bit better. Aye. And we should make big stands because that's how to make a change if everyone made a big stand with the World Cup and with the fucking

coke industry if everyone made a big stand then like shit would have to get done about it and we're just not none of us will we're just not there yet

I tell you what I think we're getting closer because you're not you're not Noel Clarke who was in Bulletproof when everything came out about him

which I actually haven't read too much about the details of what he's done I always fucking protect myself I don't even know what Rolf Harris and Jimmy Savile has done truly because I never really fucking look and I should really like just go and write, find out

even if it's fucking graphic, find out what they did just so you can know the fucking magnitude of the crimes of these people right I watched the Louis Theroux documentary on Savile because he did one documentary when Savile was still alive and that was like to talk about all his charity work and his marathon

running and stuff and him and Louis were friends and then Louis sent a follow up one to that which is just him sort of revisiting it and you know just being like I don't know how I could have missed all these signs and obviously in hindsight it's a bit fucking, he was just being so brazen

because that's what they do when they get to a point of success like they're a bit more fucking open with it. It's a tough watch but it's one of those it's a necessary watch Yeah and's one of those it's a necessary watch yeah and I think it is necessary to look at them you can't like

protect yourself when other people have suffered at a fucking torturous level and I'm protecting me fucking innocent little eyes

from reading about it you know what I mean it's why we have to teach it's why you have to fucking teach the holocaust in schools from a young age

because if you fucking don't you then end up with these people that think the holocaust in schools from a young age because if you fucking don't you then end up with these people that think the holocaust didn't happen and those people are fucking reprehensible fucking people like to protect i understand protecting kids from the horrible ideas and stuff of the world i understand the feeling behind that but on the other side you're just going to raise ignorant people who. I understand the feeling behind that, but on the other side, you're just going to raise ignorant people who don't understand the suffering of the world, and that makes them inherently less empathetic. And you're actually

raising imperialistic people who think England's the greatest because they don't know about the previous crimes of the country because they've been rose-tinted, goggled out in their history lessons. Aye. Man, it's what... Same with America. America needs to be taught and it's

fucking let's go talk about Australia as well like it needs to be taught that hey this was not your land first like you got it through

you know fucking colonialism and colonialism yeah and just to get back to the point I was making

with Noel Clarke is the they pulled that final episode of Bulletproof off the air, and there's so many people working hard on that, that that was a difficult thing to do to all of the directors and staff and other actors who've done nothing because of this one man. They're losing everything they've been working hard on, and that's how it should be.

They should go, this is fucked, we're going to have to pull it. Whereas I think in the past, they would have went, there's too much writing on this, we're just going to have to do a big fucking PR assault offensive, push it under the rug

and still carry on with the project. But the fact that now they can go and write, the project's fucking done. I think that's where we should get with a lot of things. That's where we should get with the World Cup. Where we're going, no, because we know about this now, we have to act on it.

We can't just know about it, brush it under the rug and put, like we said, put my blinkers on and enjoy the World Cup. It's like, you know, separate the art from the artist thing. Just like, no, why don't you just fuck that artist right off

and live with Udall Kelly? Aye, but, man, if Scotland qualify for the World Cup, pfft. And that? Uh-huh.

Yeah. It'll be so, like, man, it's fucking tough. It's one of those moral quandaries. I guess it's not a moral quandary because, again, it's it's man it's fucking tough it's one of those moral quandaries yeah well i guess it's not a moral quandary because again it's it's not really on us

uh the individual like i really respect people that do take that personal ownership the ones that you go you know what i'm not gonna use i'm gonna use i am gonna use recyclable stuff like i'm not gonna eat from this place because it's not human. I'm not going to buy these clothes. People that do that, genuine fucking well done because I would like to be more like that sometimes, but it's just, it's fucking difficult. You should just force these companies to do it the fucking right way. Do you think it's a progress

if we can recognise the hypocrisy in ourselves without remedying it? I think it's a progress if we can recognise the hypocrisy in ourselves without remedying it? I think it's progress, but it's certainly not enough. But also, there's so much of what giant corporations do, is they put the ownership on the consumers. I know I've spoken about this before, but carbon footprint was a term coined by BP. They pushed the idea of everyone being responsible for their own carbon footprint and it

doesn't matter spoiler alert it doesn't matter how much you fucking recycle it doesn't matter what car you fucking drive as long as these companies are still doing what they're doing in the oceans in fucking Bangladesh in China like this idea that one as individuals just collectively can make a difference you go no no no it's you you big tax dodging motherfuckers it's you that are making this impossible you've got

to make it more accessible you've got to make it cleaner and you've got to make it fucking humane so that's they're trying to put it on us using energy saving light

bulbs when Vegas is there and you can see it it's just a fucking I don't know if you watched I'm just going to apologise if anyone thinks they're watching Godzilla because Natalie is somehow fucking bounding past the back, I can see

the spikes coming up on the audio every time she bounds by I don't know how she does it she's just very excited that we're recording the podcast I think she'll put me fucking Timbaland on listen mate I'm going to have to wrap this up soon because I'm flying, I've got to drive

back up to the Brisbane airport in my Ford Mustang GT which I rented like an asshole you always like doing that when you're abroad don't you? it always liked doing that when you were abroad, didn't you? Man, it's just a fun, it's just a really fucking,

if you've got a rental car for a couple of days and you're going to be driving around a bit and if you're out there, if I'm out here touring and it's just a wee present for myself and man,

I know I look like a fucking wanker, but you only look like a wanker from the outside and inside, you feel class. You feel fantastic. Oh, you really do, man. You know, remember the time when we were doing

when I was recording Dark in LA? Picked you up from the fucking airport in a Ford Mustang. Convertible, wasn't it? And then we... But it was in like fucking February in LA and we put it in convertible mode and then we're like, this is horrible.

This is freezing. Had to pull over at the side of the fucking motorway to put it back up. Aye. Well, it was good though. It was good when you picked this up though. Aye, class. Man, fun.

Driving nice cars is fun. Like I'm not a, I'm not a fucking gas hound. Like I don't, I'd probably never buy one myself, but you can, you can rent one. That's, doesn't count. It's like one myself but you can rent one that doesn't count

it's like chocolate on holiday doesn't count there's no my carbon footprint's the same I can buy like a gas guzzler I can rent one that's fine because it's not mine it's somebody else's I'm just borrowing it for a bit you never watch an episode of Top Gear but you're just digging like

a good car you can still enjoy a good car without being without now and what's under the bonnet and everything yeah exactly

in the same way that you can fucking enjoy meals that you don't know the ingredients to it's the fucking flavour of them I mean

I can't but you probably could right shall we shall we relieve you of your duties then right

I haven't oh there's my phone. Here it is. Oh, I'm scared to look at this because there's another baby on the way. Do you know that? Who's? Can.

Oh, like on the way now? On the way now, aye. Water's broken, dilating, whatever. I'm really not in the process of it, but I think water's come first and then it starts making room. It starts contracting. That can go on for days.

I'm going to try and avoid looking at my messages because I'm expecting that one. You don't want any baby spoilers. I don't want any baby spoilers. It's not my news. It's not my news. You not my news you know what I mean imagine the way

the way that people tell the world was the podcast even though I'd give it away with gaffs straight away because I couldn't help myself your dad claps

when the train arrives at the station your dad starts wiping his bum when the poo is still coming out your dad thinks parrots are just gay seagulls Your dad starts wiping his bum when the poo is still coming out. Your dad thinks parrots are just gay seagulls.

He's not wrong. The fabulous seagulls. There you go, yeah. Well, I mean, I didn't mean gay interrogatory, right? But your dad did. Your dad did. Your dad never uses knives when he's cooking. He just karate chops all the ingredients. Your dad never uses knives when he's cooking. He just karate chops all the ingredients.

Your dad peaked at eight. Your dad peaked at eight-year-olds. Your dad was getting yelled at by the teacher and he casually tried to blow a bubble but his bubble gum floated him off and he just rattled his head off the ceiling fan. Your dad got rid of a loose tooth

by tying string to it and then went fishing with the other end. That's good. And then I'm out because he got us up at nine o'clock in the morning for this so I only went three. Your dad voted for Leo curse it was

one of the hundred and fourteen it was I would never know that but there

it is it's out oh all right he was one of the eighteen oh

fucking did Liam know tweet so the fringe is cancelled but Leo curse he was one of the 18 oh fucking did Liam know F0 tweet so good the fringe has cancelled but Leo Kerr still managed to find

a way to waste three grand over the summer because he ran he ran for MP and didn't get enough votes to cover his deposit good good

good aye let's enjoy that alright was it? All right. Good. Good. Good. Let's enjoy that. All right. Well, I'll see you, I'll see you next Monday, hopefully.

And if people, if people tuned out during the football chat, just know that the Patreon episode has got Gene in it, so there'll be no football chat on Thursday.

No football chat whatsoever. Right. I'm looking forward to listening to that too. Right. See you soon. Bye. Bye.