Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.2 Circle Jerk

Episode Date: January 11, 2021

Muggins and Cream have a good 10 mins talking about toe nails and bogies to scare most of you off before declaring their new found obsession with The Circle. For what is becoming the listeners confessions you can contact us with your tales of woe via [e-mail]

Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, boys, girls, and other. It's me, Daniel Sloss, of Netflix fame and of fucking your mum fame. Welcome to the podcast, Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. Today's episode we talk about... Shite. Enjoy. Is that it? Is that the intro? I forgot what we spoke about. It's hard to remember. Biting toenails and picking noses or whatever.

Like and subscribe. We're in the same seats That's hack Oh muggles Accidental rip job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical Just muggled it up On fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11 That's a toenail that Daniel It's not my toenail Well I've just come in here

And you went Get your gross nail off there Aye Because you've got your Big long witch nails And like Cinderella I tried the toenail That you put in my hand

On every single finger it wasn't rough any of mine I've just come in I'm in your studio I'm going to check my nails here that one looks a bit

broken but that and that because this wouldn't be a place I cut my toenails in bed to annoy Cara but it's your studio

who else is in here Al yeah the guy you're doing your audio book with your producer all the tradies as well It's your studio, who else is in here? Al. Eh, the guy you're doing your audiobook with. Ah, and then all the tradies as well. Ah, they... So it might be a tradie toenail.

Go and taste it, see if it tastes like fucking... See if it tastes like a tradie toenail. Well, it's yours, isn't it? It's definitely not, man, man, man, man. As someone who, man, I'm very open about the fact that I used to bite my toenails when I was younger until fucking last year I bit my nails

I'll admit my fucking grossness I know the look of my toenails aye aye you're doing that I could pick them out in a line up is that like another smell of your farts it wasn't one of my farts

you'd know about it if it was one of mine is that what it is first of all I wouldn't have thought it was one of my farts but it was you first of all

that's what you do that is your main defence was one of my farts But it was you First of all That's what you do That is your main defence I know my own farts That's how I know me enemy That's how I'm aware of what you're doing Do you not have any fucking rancid habits Because it's only now I do pick nails

And I do pick nails You pick them What I do I cut like a little ridge in With another nail And I neatly pick them You pick them? Eh? You pick them? What I do I cut like a little ridge in With another nail And I neatly pick them Is that not sore? You're not worried

That it's just going to fucking Oh no I'm surgical with it Oh right okay You've got steady hands I've got steady hands I've been doing this for years Oh no

See I used to I used to I used to love Biting my toenails And I'd love to say The reason I stopped right Is because I got to Like my teens And I realised That my grandparents My parents were right That was a disgusting habit used to love biting my toenails and I'd love to say the reason I stopped right is because I got to like

my teens and I realised that my grandparents my parents were right that was a disgusting habit I lost the flexibility and also also

couldn't get your foot up there anymore also do you not remember so remember like I used to your lips poking towards them I just kissed and sucking them in

right I used to have the like me trying to suck my dick in the factory toilet when I was 15. See, now this comes up a lot. I know, that's why I referenced it

rather than telling the story. No, no, no. But I mean the... People always go, if you could suck your own dick, you would. And you go, I absolutely would not.

My want to have a blowjob does not outweigh my desire to never have a cock in my mouth. Even if it's my own cock. So it's a compromise to have one in your hand? Because it doesn't feel like, when it's my own cock in my hand, I don't feel the revulsion of if I'd grab one of my pal's cocks. No, no, but that's because I'm grabbing my dick and I can watch a porn.

If I'm sucking a dick, you can hardly... If I'm sucking my own dick, you can't really change the view. iPads? What are iPads for your phone wait oh right sorry I thought you meant like an eye mask

that way it feels like someone else's dick somebody just sit on my face for five minutes until the guy's dead and then it's just here's here's the

disgusting habit I've got are you just drinking from my bottle no I mean we've got the same bottle no first you just drinking from my bottle? No. I think we've got the same bottle. No, first of all, you copied my bottle and saved up all the different tops. First of all, Natalie bought me this.

But only after you were like, I need a water bottle and this was one that Cara got me for Christmas and you went, that's quite a good one, I'll get exactly that one. They've got little clicky things on there. Listen, listen. That means I've had one bottle.

That means I've had two and. That means I've had two and even though I haven't, I feel good about myself. Just a wee click. Here's a revolting thing that I do. I've been trying to do it less in recent decades. Aye. Sometimes I eat my boogies.

Oh, God. That stops when you're ten. That's why I said I've tried to do it less in recent decades like now I'm much I plan ahead much better right

he has planning right you're in the cinema right I'm already sad for the amount of times I've been sat

in a fucking theatre with you and I've obviously been watching the movie can I get you any popcorn? no no I'm stuffed no this one's sweet

no I wouldn't mix with the salty I'm alright can I have some of yours? get me out of there you grotty fuck how are they sticking to your fingers so easily? do you have like Spiderman hands or something? it's like something I've hung alone too

so sometimes you'll just end up with a bogey on your finger Do you have like Spider-Man hands or something? It's like something I've thrown alone too So Sometimes you'll just end up With a bogey on your finger Right And It's like Don't you dare tell me There's nowhere else to put it

There's no Wait There's no dogs Whacking around That you can feed it to No babies that you can Rub on the back of their scalps Aye

There's no tissues Nah it's not there You can't pretend to grab her arse And just smear it up the back Aye Aye so like That's why I use the cinema As an example It's like sometimes You'll be in a spot there's knee tissues nah he's not there you can't pretend to grab her arse and just smear it up the back aye so like that's why I use the cinema as an example it's like sometimes

you'll be in a a spot like on a train or something and you're on the train I'm not gonna right this is where I'd rather land I'm not gonna rub a bogey

on the seat of a train what the fuck are you talking about I'm not gonna why not what why the fuck not because it's fucking disgusting more disgusting

than eating a bogey. Aye, but that's disgusting to me, not to somebody else. Ah, right, ah. So wait a minute, what have I done? Are you trying to paint yourself as some sort of ethical fucking... I eat my own bogeys because I'm a fucking saint. No, I'm not having it. Look, if I've got a bogey on my finger and there's nowhere to put it...

There's always someone to put it. There's no way I can excuse myself if I'm in a it look if I've got a bogey on my finger and there's no way to put it there's no way I can excuse myself like you know if I'm in a job interview I'll just like I look at the window and I'm like oh is that a cat

and then as soon as I look at the cat I eat my bogey and I'm like tell you what I can put it in this job

with deception oh no man even if you're in fucking space if you're floating in space, if you're floating in space and somehow you're surviving without your helmet on, there's still somewhere to wipe a bogey. Put it on a passing comet or whatever.

There's no reason. I'd rather you shoved it up your arse. I never thought of that. That's a really neat idea. My belly button would probably be a good middle ground. Like, store it for later. Oh, my God. Store it in your belly button until you've got a tissue.

I can't. Just picking your boogers and putting them inside of your fucking belly button. Is that lint in your belly? I'd be so lucky. your fucking belly button and then break is that lint in your belly I'd be so lucky I'd never put it in my mouth

after I'd rolled it around on my fingers though because then it would have the dirt off my fingers oh I'm gonna be sick man this is a horrible can't sing a song before those entrances

to this fucking podcast my name's Muggins your name's Cream we're straight thuggin we're livin' the dream and that's our remix see the thing is mate Dream, we're straight thugging, we're living the dream. And that's our remix. No, because if you roll around... See, the thing is, right, it's come from up your nose, right?

Like, you have a hock of, like, a phlegm. Like, it's in your face already. You're just putting it back in your face quickly. Like, five-second rule. Oh, no, it's just... Five-second rule, put it straight back in. Do you know who else fucking picks their nose and eats it, right? Do you want to know the company? No, no, no, don't get me you know who else fucking picks their nose and eats it?

No, no, no, don't get me wrong, I don't pick my nose and eat it. It's not my go-to thing. I don't go, ooh, bogey, I'm gonna have that now, yum yum. I'm like, oh, fuck this bogey on me finger. I might as well eat it. I did not plan ahead. Right, that's that, problem solved. It's so gross.

Look at my immune system system when am I ever sick maybe you're just constantly sick maybe you're just constantly ill because you've got the company that you keep you know John McCritick

oh wait that the horse racing guy yeah he did one season of fucking Big Brother Celebrity Big Brother way back in the day was an absolute cunt his wife's got big tits and it's his an absolute cunt his wife's got big tits

and it's his only he's like my wife's got big tits what's her name I don't know that's above the tits just you know one of those you know one of those

fucking balls to the wall set them to 11 Tories aye he's one of them that's your company that's not no but the thing is I'm not like

I'm not pursuing it as lunch like it's like it's just look it's it's a, it's a quick solution. Don't you dare try and pitch this as a life hack. I'll plan ahead, like, for the most part.

But sometimes, you know, if you just rub your nose and you're like, oh, there's a big greaser on. No, there's not. It just solves all your problems in that moment. I don't think, I really feel like

it doesn't you probably don't piss in the shower either do you of course I piss in the fucking shower I'm not trapped you

that's disgusting well now here's an interesting point I think as a bloke here's as a bloke

it's fine to piss in the shower right you can aim for the fucking shower right you can aim for the fucking plug hole you know for anything the lights the wall

whoever else is in there I play like you know that fucking shooting ducks at the fair like that with the shampoos I was going to say

when did you get the ducks that's in the bathtub we've we'll go into this in a bit but we're watching the circle That's in the bathtub? We'll get onto this in a bit, but we're watching The Circle, right? Yes. Which we'll talk about in a second. How much... I'm more ashamed of that than the bogeys thing.

The fact that you like reality TV now? Not just like it. You love it. You yearn for it. Because I have been immune to that shit for so fucking long. And Natalie and Kat watch it, right? Like, when I lived in London, there wasn't

just me and Natalie. Kat was there as well. She's a producer for me and Chelsea, right? That's her industry. And they fucking live for that shit. She worked on Love Island. She was out in South Africa for the last season, working on Love Island. Like, they live for that shit, She worked on Love Island. She was out in South Africa for the last season working on Love Island. Like, they live for that shit, right? And even though I'm immersed

in that world and I'm like fucking one degree of separation from fucking Jamie Lang and all that, right? Like, there are all these people from, what's it called?

Chelsea. And Towie and I. Yeah, yeah. I've just got no, it means nothing. It's wasted on us. It's absolutely wasted on me that I'm in that flat.

No. Because people want to pick Natalie and Kat's brains when they see them. It's absolutely wasted on me that I'm in that flat. Because people want to pick Natalie and Kat's brains when they see them. They're like, oh my God, tell me about this. What happens behind the scenes with that? And I could not give less of a fuck. And you've always been that way and the entire time I've known you because I've always been very open-minded.

I love some garbage television and I acknowledge it as garbage television. I do enjoy Love Island because there's just, it's such a nice healthier way to channel your hate instead of trying to fucking repress it right

and bottle it up and put it somewhere else having watching shite television and judging strangers which is wrong but from the comfort of your little living room

where you don't tweet them fucking death threats it's like a it's a real catharsis yeah you like disliking people though. I love hating people.

I like to see the best in people and I find it really hard to watch these shows because I find it hard to see the best in them. So, the other day, me and Cara were making dinner

and by that I mean Cara was making dinner and not because that's her job but just because she's an infinitely better cook than I am and I was like, immediately, French page on Netflix, new reality am. And I was like, immediately, French page on Netflix,

new reality TV show. And I was like, right, this looks piping hot fucking garbage. Exactly what you and me are into, Cara. Let's give this first episode a go. And it's a show called The Circle, which is essentially a bunch of people go into separate rooms.

They never meet each other. They have to create an online profile of a picture and a status. And they can talk to each other as much have to create an online profile of a picture and a status and they can talk to each other as much as they want but only through this profile thing. But here's the catch. Some of them are pretending to be themselves, they're models, they're beautiful people and they're putting up their own photos but there's other people who are using other people's photos, more attractive people's photos but they're being themselves through the person to try and prove that, you know, people do judge people on

their looks and if, hey look, if I was beautiful, I'd command a lot more respect. And there's also some people just being like, fuck it, I'm here to catfish. We're about 10 minutes in, and you come in, right, and you've got your typical fucking face on when it comes to reality.

Who's this shit? And I explain it to you, like, all right. Selling sunset, what have we got this time? What's the angle that they're coming at? Love is blind, what's the thing? They love each other. I'm out of this, say. There's the angle That they're coming at Love is blind What's the thing They love each other Married at first sight There's an angle

That's got the same Fucking conveyor belt That people in It's muff How long did it How long did you last Before you were Oh it was

It was the Big black lesbian Karen Who was Playing Mercedes Who was playing Mercedes Absolutely Ticking the piss out of a lot of them. And she was like, she was being herself in the circle, right?

But her picture was a pretty woman. She was just like, I want to see how people receive me as a pretty woman if I just be myself. And she's just fucking roasting them. So I was like, oh, she's saying our internal monologue. And she spoke for us. So it was the first time I felt like I'd had she's saying our internal monologue. Yeah. And she spoke for us. So it was the first time I felt like I'd had a voice in one of them scenarios. And it was a big black lesbian.

And my voice is a big black lesbian. And I was like, oh, somebody's speaking from my point of view, from me on the outside looking in. And I was like, that's what got us in. And then I fell in love with Shuby. Shuby, Shuby, Shuby. And he's too pure for this world. And we need to protect him at all costs.

Yeah, yeah. And also, Joey. Oh, Joey's character rock. I didn't expect a character rock. This guy comes in, he's your typical New York Italian. Hey, I'm walking here. I love my mum. I like a pizza pie.

All that fucking shit. He wears his fucking face mask. he goes to the fucking gym every day and you instantly... He's definitely a me too. Somebody's hashtag's been about him. It's hard to like him knowing that he's probably been somebody's anonymous hashtag. Aye, aye.

But from what you say of him, he's got enough redeeming features for his abrasiveness. And then him him and Shuby's character arc their friendship's very fucking pure and then also

one of the best bits where there's a guy in there pretending to be his girlfriend so he's obviously playing a girl and then there's

another guy in there who's married but he's pretending to be a more attractive man and one of the finest bits of television I've ever

seen which is the perfect commentary on social media. They both got a date with each other. And they're trying to turn each other on. Two married men. Trying to turn each other on.

Two married men, one is a buff man, and the other one is his wife, is his own wife, who he's playing as single. And they're both just, and they both think they're nailing it. They're like, I've got her right where I want her. And you go, you're flirting with another bloke

piping hot garbage get it into my fucking face because I'm making tits in my cell and it's like I've tried to pitch it to my cell now

I've tried to like spin this like this is the one thing I kind of spin man I kind of spin why I like it but me one pitch has been like

I'm watching a game show it's a really exciting game show that like the fucking playing field changes all the time oh yeah

because there's people who do very well by playing themselves like fucking Shuby but then that can come and bite you in the ass anyway and then they get to go

and visit the room of one person only one person so you're like if somebody's a catfish and they're going to get visited by someone that has been flirting

with them they can go in and check and be like oh that girl they've been flirting with them they can go in and check and be like they can go in and find out that girl they've been flirting with is actually a bloke it's just very satisfying and you're about to watch a car crash

and you can't not watch that aye aye so they had a question on the show when they were just sort of getting to know each other in one of the fucking chat rooms that they've got

and one of the questions was never have I ever pissed in the shower and a bunch of the guys said yes and one of the girls said yes and here's where I'm wrong. But I went, eh. Like spray everywhere. No.

Just come out of you like a fine mist. I just feel like as a bloke you're aiming down the plug hole but as a girl, it's just dribbling down the side of your legs. Now what we see, I understand you'll be... I think they could also aim but it's going to be much more of a hip rotation for the aim because I've done stand-up on this

but it's fucking high pressure pissing compared to men's pissing that just fucking flops out the end we can put a bit of pressure on if we're tense if I need I could cut a dime well that's as soon as like letting down a tyre of a truck and the more vicious it is

the more it sprays it's very like a fucking squid escaping do you know that do you know if it's got a spray a spread or do you know if it's like a tight focus laser beam type

like I think it depends on how angry they are so if that if that stood up like as long as it's got like a narrow point when it hits the deck they could definitely aim that

but if it's got like a sprayed point when it hits the deck if it's like got a cone range like I don't have a cone range no matter even if I piss at my weakest right it's not a cone range it's like like a sprayed point when it hits the if it's like got a cone range like I don't have a cone range no matter even if I piss at my weakest

right it's not a cone range it's like a fucking a dribble a dribble like it's like a it's like a line like if they can

piss in a line they can definitely aim for the drain maybe I don't my I've not watched many women pee

to be honest not that they know of I haven't even on the internet nah nah I've never I mean I've not watched many women pee, to be honest. Not that they know of. I haven't even on the internet. No? No. I've never. I mean, I've definitely watched pissing porn, but only because I was watching a porn

and then they started peeing on each other. And I was like, well, hey, that's a long cum shot. Now I need a wee. Like, you know, when you yawn and your dog yawns look if you're into pissing porn you know gargle it

well not what not what I was going for saying knock yourself out with it well that's a heavy flow now here's the question do I think

peeing on someone and being peed on is worse than picking your own nose and eating it that's definitely a porno Now here's the question Do I think Peeing on someone And being peed on Is worse Than picking your own nose And eating it That's definitely a porno Or picking your nose And eating it

It's gotta be Eating each other's boogies porn This is something that's like It's platonic There's nothing sexual about it There's nothing to fetishise I don't know man People masturbate to some weird shit

And by people I I mean me. Do you? Oh, yeah. You're not fucking coke-wank at four in the morning when nothing normal's working in your school. You know what? Let's see what I'm into at this time of the morning. Aye.

That's why, in all honesty, I love when a drunk Daniel deletes his browsing history. I'm not worried that Cara's going to find out. I just don't want sober Daniel to know what I did. Look, it's so nice of me. I wake up. I'm not worried that Cara's going to find out. I just don't want sober Daniel to know what I did. Look, it's so nice of me. I wake up and I'm like, I definitely had a wank last night. What did I wank to?

Deleted it all. Thanks, man. Must have been dark. Just hiding the truth from meself. Yep, now I've got to type in the whole of Pornhub. Just pressing P won't do anymore. Got to go back to type in the whole thing. I've never been pissed on.

I've never pissed on anyone. But all I would need to do is ask. Like, I've only not done it because it's not my thing. But I've just been, like, in positions where it also hasn't been theirs. Like, if somebody wanted... If Natalie wanted...

If somebody, my wife... I don't know. Let's put it back to the general public. We can turn it into a competition. I was being hypothetical about my life up until this point. If somebody had asked me to piss on them. I'm pretty sure now Natalie won't. She won't have to take a random midlife crisis in the next 10 years.

No, maybe she's been holding it in this entire... The arch, not the piss. Maybe this entire time she's just been like, can't do it because there's just not enough privacy. We've lived in a flat in London with cats. It's going to make a mess. Moving to a new place soon. What if she's like, you know,

hey, there's a bath in there I'd really like to piss in your face to our own place I don't feel like we're not really expecting anybody else

to walk in or there's nobody else in the house nobody else has got to use this bathroom it might be a thing I should so Natalie heads up

and I listen to this if you want I mean I'll show more enthusiasm at the time I'll definitely get into the whole fucking game of it

and all that but like but it's just not my thing to pursue that fair enough but I'm always worried about that like thankfully

I don't have don't get me wrong I'm not going to be like I'm just a saint that only watches fucking lesbian porn I'm not going to get into the details of shit

but there's some stuff I know that I like watching that I'd never actually want to do in real life aye and the big thing as well is I watched a porn the other day

where there was two dicks in the girl's mouth aye and they were touching and all that and I was like I watched it I'm not digging that

you're not you're not bumping fists for the end of your dicks ah fucking Matties Matties would be soft so how are we staying just a soft jelly cock for the end of your dicks? Ah, fucking Matties would be soft. Just a soft jelly cock pressed against my hard cock.

Turning into a mould of your cock. So if you come in as soft cock, it actually turns into a full cummy mould of your dick. I probably wouldn't touch cock's leg, but I'd watch it. I always worry like that like even if

like because Kara occasionally goes you know she's like is there anything else you want to try and I'm like look there's a bunch

of stuff in my head but for the sake of our relationship that's where it stays like because because the thing with fantasies is difficult

sometimes fantasy is everything you fucking want it to be and then sometimes you're just pissing on your girlfriend's feet. And you're just there shaking the dregs off. You've ruined her fucking toenails. You're like, oh, we can't take this back now. Can we just, should we watch telly?

Go wash your feet. I'll tell you what, I'll definitely buy you one of those foot baths those pedicure things because that's you get into one of them fish pedicures and they're just swimming away trying to jump out

is there anything this is a good time if our partners listen to our podcast you can call them out on us if there's something that you're into that you've not given a shot.

No. No, I think... No, Cara's very, very open and she's also... When she's drunk, she's a problem. Eh? No. Expandable on that.

She just... Cara gets those... What, should I bite you and scratch you and all that no no no no but just there's there's some things when she's fucking steaming

right and again in the same way that I said do you know when I'm she's got a Scottish accent now so she's asking for

a big Aberdeen steamer on her chest and you're like whoa no but you know the same thing when I'm drunk or I'm on gear

and I have those fucking horrible deprived flags at four in the morning right she's not there for me having those but because she doesn't

fucking watch porn when she gets that horny when I get that horny and drunk and fucked up I'm like I'm going to do this in the privacy of our own bathroom

and get rid of it whereas she's very much like fuck it I'm just going to do this with my boyfriend because fucking he'll do it and obviously she's great

but she's definitely she said she said some things while drunk or feeling like I'm just going to do this with my boyfriend because fucking he'll do it. And obviously she's great, but she's definitely, she said some things while drunk where I feel like... You can't repeat. No, I can't even repeat them to her in case she meant them. Oh, you big black bastard. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come on, come on. Hey now, you're an all-star. Get your game one cool play no there's there's there's there's there's

there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's

there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's

there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's

there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's

there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's

there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's

there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's

there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's

there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's there's ballpark and shit and that's just saying to you no she's tell you what it wouldn't put you off eat me boogies you daft cunt I've stored them up me arse I'm not

lacking out mate from you know what Natalie she's not thank us for talking about this she gives us

just enough ass over the ears to pique me curiosity you know what I this she gives us just enough ass over the ears to pique me curiosity you know what I mean

shut us up there you can no for me she'll fucking

hate us for talking like this she's a princess well they can talk about us

on their podcast no no Cara's is like I think Cara's like you I could say anything to Cara and because she loves me she'd be like if that's what turns you on that's what turns me on

I'm into that and I'm like thank fucking god I'm slightly tame then because this would otherwise it would turn into a gay relationship that's why i think right and sorry uh feel free any homosexuals who want to correct me on this but that's why i think gays are dirtier than heterosexuals right because normally in relationships traditionally right it's the men it's the man that's a pig and he goes i want to do this i want to do this and they go oh carl's like only on your birthday only on christmas only on this right

if you're a gay relationship you're just one up on each other in more sense than one oh Carl's like only on your birthday only on Christmas only on this right if you're in a gay relationship you're just one up on each other in more sense than one there's no there's no stopping there's no stopping imagine if we all us and the goats and there's a disproportionate amount

of gay men I know that are not prudish and are actually savage the way they talk about sex compared to heterosexual women

who I speak to it's disproportionate gay men seem to be way less prudish well of course aye and also savage the way they talk about sex compared to heterosexual women who I speak to. It's disproportionate. Gay men seem to be way less prudish. Well, of course, aye. And also, I remember once being with Craig Hill, and it was years and years ago when I was single, and we were out in Australia, and I was just talking.

I banged the night before, and he was like, I'd love to hear about it. I'd love, you know. And I'm like, are you you sure and I'm telling this this sex story where it's just me and this girl and we have like sex on a balcony or whatever

and I'm like that's my version of like I was like anyone could have seen us and I'm like I'm sorry if this disgusts you and Craig Hill just fool houses me it's fucking

straight flush every story he's got is way better and I'm like oh they've got the best sex stories in the world. That's what I was getting at, because I feel like I used

my language wrong there by saying women are more prudish than gay men, right? I didn't mean prudish. I mean, if you speak to most heterosexual people, their stories peak at a certain level. So even if they are kinky as fuck, that is still more prudish than the stories I get from my gay friends.

Like they're fucking through the roof. What we're trying to say is gays are gross. But in like a positive, not in that fucking Christian way. Like, look, it's something to aspire to. Like every time I think I've been filthy.

I mean, that's the thing. No matter how dark or awful the porn, occasionally while drunk, nowhere near is those sections I'm not willing to click on. No matter how dark or awful the porn, occasionally while drunk, nowhere near is those sections I'm not willing to click on. Here's a better way to word it. I think I'd be a filthy straight bloke, but a vanilla gay bloke.

That's exactly it. That's what I was trying to explain with the things I was saying. Aye. In the heterosexual world, we're quite filthy. And in the gay world, we are the most

plain Janes in fucking existence I really I really cannot be gay man we might as well be wearing little

fucking catholic suits compared to we just wouldn't fit in I'd be tipping up with my fucking anus all going me bum bum so getting a little bleed

can I be on top alright picking the top off after that got a little bit steamy well I've got because obviously you've got another hoodie on yeah our heating's fucked

until tomorrow but it's been fucked since before Christmas apart from in this room apart from in this room so you're wearing your clothes from the room without heating in the room so you're wearing your clothes from the room

without heating in the room with heating and it's it was just one of those things like four days before Christmas our heater broke we phoned the plumber

he's like man look if you were if you were 75 years old I'd bump you up to priority number one

I saw your fireplace just deal with it for the time being like nothing's there's you've got a long fire. Aye. There's people out there whose boilers...

You're not the only person with a broken boiler, but you're the lowest priority of people with a broken boiler. You're the warmest person with a broken boiler. Aye, aye. And it's not going to affect you too much, which is absolutely fucking fair enough. Yeah, I think as well, because I've been living down in London.

I forgot how cold winters are in Scotland. And I have lived up here a couple of times, so they're familiar. But I've spent so many times where I've been living down in London I forgot how cold winters are in Scotland and I have lived up here a couple of times so they're familiar but I've spent so many times where I've been away for the Christmas over in the last few years I've done holidays in South Africa and stuff over the Christmas

and I've been in London which is fucking noticeably different there's such a fucking difference in temperature between London and Scotland it does get Well and then And then There are Scandics

And Icelandic people Listening to this Laughing their ass Yeah Do you remember that First fucking Trip to Iceland I didn't know that could happen

Wrapped up Fully warm As thick as you can get Aye And then You feel alright And then the wind blows And cuts through

Every layer Right through Like literally I'm wearing fucking Like not long johns But what's like The under you feel alright and then the wind blows and cuts through every layer right through like literally I'm wearing fucking like not long johns but what's like the under

lycra running wear sort of thing a set of fucking jammy bottoms and two pairs of jeans right and you're in the hotel you're like

this is overkill and you step outside and fucking old man winter grabs your balls and goes did you think I didn't know

these were there fucking cuts like a knife I tell't know these were there fucking it cuts like a knife I tell you where these go up in your fucking throat Natalie's dad

used to work in minus 42 degrees Celsius in Siberia fucking hell it's fucking insane that was I watched

I watched the documentary the perfect planet no it was precious the new David Attenborough one I didn't know there was one there was one I didn't know there was one

there is one it's good and there was one where they went to shoot some footage of arctic wolves hunting at night you know how they get

like the 24 hour like night times in their winter so they're in the arctic winter and it was minus 50 and Bobby announced that he'd never been in that temperature

but he'd been at minus 42 that's the stuff where you see the videos of like people fucking eating like noodles outside and they lift their noodles out of the bowl

and then they let go and the noodles are frozen and the fork they were holding is also frozen in there it's a place where like if you crack an egg like by the time

it gets down there it's fucking frozen mad his fucking stories from work are wild man like I've been chatting to Natalie's dad because he worked as a seismologist.

Which is, for those who don't know, it's someone who basically works out how big women are. He's a seismologist. Yeah, it's working with vibrations. Usually with earthquakes and stuff, you would associate seismology, but his was with finding out what's in the land. So you'll set off charges and explosives in the land and measure the vibrations back and decide if there's like gas

or oil or anything worth digging for underneath the ground so he'd be like in a in a jungle somewhere in fucking peru or bolivia or somewhere in south america right he was telling us and he had to go on this uh like just a an excursion where he got dropped off in a helicopter and he had to do some like fucking basic like checking out what he got dropped off in a helicopter and he had to do some like fucking basic like checking out what he was going to do like planning it

before the team got there and he was meant to be getting picked up at a specific time and there was a fucking thunderstorm and the helicopter couldn't come to pick him up

and he just had to just tuck her up just just yeah deal with that like this is like in the fucking 80s or whatever he didn't have a mobile phone

or he wouldn't have had signal anyway even if he had one and he's just fucking having to deal with that shit and he's just like in the fucking 80s or whatever he didn't have a mobile phone or he wouldn't have had signal anyway even if he had one and he's just fucking having to deal with that shit and he's just like in the jungle just going

right well just going to survive here until they know where I am I didn't realise I was playing a survival game but here we fucking are please come get us so his fucking stories

from work are wild man they land four hours later and he's already made friends with a ball he's really lost his mind. He comes out of the woods, he's got shit smeared

over his face and he's like, you may call me Mbongo, king of the jungle. He loves it. He loves it. Ewoks worship him.

Just come and go, I have made friends with the children of the forest. Just saying. Carrying them on legal. Well, it seems we left Bobby there for an extra four hours. He seems to have discovered a new breed of some humanoid.

And the shirt on his face does seem unnecessary, but there you go. It's the custom. So it's a funny one talking to him and your mother. There's not many people in the world that we're talking to that have travelled more than us. But they're definitely two. Aye, my mum's been fucking everywhere. Because they scratch off bits of the map

that you wouldn't be able to gig in. Aye. Aye. No, they're good. Aye, going to places. My mum was the one for years and years and years that was just like, Japan will blow your mind. Japan's the... It's one of her favourite places, but my mum was the one for years and years and years that was just like Japan will blow your mind Japan's the

it's one of her favourite places but my mum properly loves travelling so good for her like now that my well obviously not now during fucking Covid times

but you know her and my dad are just going to fucking travel the world now done their shifts aye she knows the lay of the land

she knows where's good because there's so many times that's going to be what's good for us when we eventually get to that is we've done a lot of traveling and there's so many places especially in the last tour that we did where we're like oh natalie and carol would love this i like especially in the american tour like there's so many times where i keep mentioning like i've got to take you there sometime like places called like texas and that San Diego Boulder yeah New Orleans

Vegas I'm telling you right now once this is all done first place we're going is Vegas aye we need a Vegas trip I miss Vegas man

that was great aye it's just fucking I think Vegas because neither of us don't get me wrong we've got a lot of vices but thankfully

gambling isn't one of them like we enjoy gambling we've got vices that willices, but thankfully gambling isn't one of them. Like, we enjoy gambling. We've got vices that will control. Aye. Like, the windows aren't sealed shut for us in Vegas, but I can see why they are. Aye. You go over there.

I like our method in Vegas. You fucking sit down, you put 20 bucks in the machine. It's tight. Aye. It's tight. And then they bring you free booze corns. Well, it's free booze in the sense that they give you free booze because they want you to stay at whatever fucking table or machine you're at.

And also, and the booze is free. But if you tip them... You tip them nicely, occasionally heavy. You tip them five on the first one, and every single measurement after that will be a double. You tip them two or three on the next one, and everything after that will be a fucking triple. Hey, you can tip more than that if you're fucking doing well.

Go wild. But, mm, I am missing. next one and everything after that will be a fucking trip you can tip more than that if you're fucking doing well go wild and then just say if you put like $20 in the machine make that last your round of drinks and you feel like you've just paid for your

drink so you just had a bar getting drunk but there's the off chance you might win a couple hundred dollars and a few times we'll have

we've ended days up in Vegas with all the food all the booze just by being cautious aye but we look we look mental

when we're there because oh we go we go $100,000 mad for $100 wages man that when we won

like when we won that 450 or 500 bucks at that fucking electronic roulette table when we went to UFC 200. When we reacted,

everyone in there thought we'd hit like a million. They came over to the table, they were like, I lost 400 on one day, three minutes ago from the table I just left. And we're like, eee! Well,

a threshold for satisfaction in Vegas with the gambling is so low that we just have a bill a time on low stakes aye aye I hope we never lose that

aye I think that's the real secret because even because even even if like I like that even if you've got lots of money

it doesn't matter about winning lots of money it's about winning money that was never yours so even if it's only 300 quid, fuck that, that was 300 quid I'd never have.

And also, I could, like, look, if I drop 20p on the floor, I might leave 20p, right? That's probably not 20p,

10. I'd leave 10. I wouldn't bend down for 10p. I'd leave 10p. Right. But, anything over 50 quid is a lot of money.

Like, I remember pocket money too much I remember fucking five pounds a week from fucking chores I remember scraping change for chocolate bars I remember

going down the back of couches looking for anything you fucking could just to go up to the corner shop I remember say if you're on

like seven pound an hour working at the sports center and you find a pound in the fucking vending machine in the vending machine in the lockers like yeah if you're on £7 an hour working at the sports centre and you find a pound in the fucking vending machine in the vending machine in the lockers because you're cleaning the lockers

and there's a pound coin that someone's left in one of them and you're like I've got £8 for this hour I've just literally up my wage more than 10%

let's not lose that quotas on this right shall we do some letters yes so we were talking about embarrassing things That you've done with And you're Ill

Misguided Ill-fated Romantic gestures From From your youth Where you don't really know What's acceptable But also everything you've learned about love

You've learned from television And shit And you're just You're not socially conscious enough to know That you're about to be Mortified conscious enough to know that you're about to be mortified yeah

hey y'all this person's from Texas I know y'all say oh great I love the fact y'all I love that every single one is y'all

that makes me so happy which by the way would need the word y'all aye because I say you's aye or you's but you's is wrong

aye you's is definitely y'all There's no Also like The thing I love about Texts is Normally we'll go You are

To you're Man they'll stick another word on the end You're like You can have fucking three of those bad boys together They'll say something like Y'all are Yeah Y'all are

Y'all are mad Y'all are metal You're like Fucking I love the efficiency you have here Y'all will y'all are yeah y'all are y'all are mad y'all are metal you're like fucking i love the efficiency you have here are y'all y'all will y'all y'all y'all y'all will be sorry y'all be sorry uh i know y'all said boobs were nothing to be worried about but i actually have a funny cringe moment containing boobs excellent let's get our willies out and i think that when we said because uh when we said boobs are nothing to worry about that was when somebody

flashed their boobs through frosted glass but it wasn't as frosted as you thought and our boyfriend's colleagues thought and we were like, really sound of you to do that's what that's in relation to everyone loves free tits I was casually dating a guy a few years ago, he had texted me saying he was looking for parking by my place and would be upstairs soon

because I knew this I put on fancy lingerie and really nice heels to open up the door. Excellent. Big fan of your work. A few moments later, there was a knock at the door. At this point, it's important to know it was about 8pm, so there should be no knocks except for him. I can already see where this was going. Except when I answered the door, bra, skimpy underwear, garter belt. Fuck yes. Thigh highs. God yes. And all. Thigh beads.

Gerbil in a tube oh it was not the guy with car battery it was the ups delivery man and even worse than that my dog ran out in the hallway so not only did i expose myself to the poor married ups man like he gave a fucking shit I had to run out of my the poor guy oh god yeah as if he's like oh no this is a terrible view I had to run out of my apartment hallway

to chase my dog wearing basically only stilettos oh f... aye he giggled every time he saw me after that night of course mortified as an understatement love from Texas Shelby I understand why you're mortified

but once again it's just one of those things where that bloke you made this day this guy's a jammy bastard he's a jammy

the way what you've just described to me is fucking clats that's meant that that's probably meant that

I was saying that like Kat used to come through like to grab something from the kitchen right and she'd just be in that's mint that that's probably mint that that was eh like eh Kat used to come through like to grab something from the kitchen right and she'd just be in like a thong and covering her boobs

with her hand and she'd be like sorry sorry sorry sorry and she'd like run through and then run out and I'm like will you apologise for that thought of class

it's a dead nice thing I was proper banging that man cheers mate thanks mate knocking under thank you I was proper banging that one chance made thanks mate knocking on the door thank you that is one of my fucking big

big fears though right is and I know it's happening in lots of sitcoms and it's what put the fucking fear in my head you know when you ever

get like room service in a hotel right and you've got to leave your room service outside the door so they can come pick up your fucking stuff

right and you're obviously on your way because you're in bed right you're drunk and you go outside to leave your room service outside the door so they can come pick up your fucking stuff and you're obviously on your way because you're in bed and you're drunk and you go outside to put the tray outside it's never happened to me but if that door closes behind you and you're just in the hallway

with your underwear like when I fucking went for a piss aye aye aye in Dublin aye like when I went for a piss aye aye in Dublin aye like when I went for a piss and I couldn't go and do stairs to use the toilet

down in the lobby because I was just in my boxers got pissed in the stairwell like that time aye like aye you walked into

what you thought was the bathroom you shut the door behind you only to realise it was the corridor and then when I'm knocking on the door

I'm like and here was you again Kai get the door it fucking is me. Oh, my. Well, Shelby,

Shelby, that is, that's mortifying. I understand why you're mortified, but I promise you, I promise you, that guy, that guy,

that guy still jerks off to that. Occasionally. I didn't let that putks off to that. Occasionally. I didn't let that put you off. Mine. Hey, Muggins, I didn't let that put you off doing it again, but I really tugged it over you.

I remember a shocking... Hi, Muggins and Cream. I remember a shocking story from my youth. Hold on, I just want to fucking search something for this one. Do you want me to read it out

in a session? Yes, yes. Hey Muggins and Cream, I remember a shocking story from my youth. I was about 10 and I had a big crush on this boy in my year. I decided to declare my love for him in the form of a letter. Imagine it was with a gel

pen and you'd done every letter a different colour. It 100% was with that. Like proper that sort of shit calligraphy that kids do. Mind you, and again, the girls in your school have the neatest handwriting

in the fucking world. Aye, uh-huh. Man, it was like, man, every girl I sat beside was like being with fucking Shakespeare and a fucking quote. I'm 30 years old and like I'm keeping a diary every night

just because it's like a good way of checking myself. It's fucking chicken straw, man. Aye, I think it, here's, I don't know if I'm showing my diary every night just because it's like a good way of checking. It's fucking chicken straw, man. I don't know if I'm showing my age here, right, or if it's just a thing, but did you learn how to write with a fountain pen? No. Because I got a fountain pen put in my hand before I got given a biro.

Wait, is the fountain pen the one you have to dip into the fucking inkwell? Well, there was inkwells in the desks. And this is what makes it for me. I've done stand-up about this, so I don't want to go too deep into it, but there was inkwells in my desk, which meant that they were used previously to me. So even though I wasn't old enough to have an inkwell,

there was still the relic. Like the old kit was still there in the school. Anyway, gel pens. However, not being a skilled writer, I went to my favourite love song to help me. I spent an hour or so typing out the lyrics to S Club Junior's Only You and passing them off as my own, finishing the letter with the postscript, asking him not to tell my best friend about it.

I must have known how tragic it was. That goes to my theory of when you're chatting someone up, always imagine that your friends can read your texts and their friends can read your texts. If it passes the test of their friends and yours, you've got good game. The fact that everyone nowadays needs screenshots exist, so we know

screenshots exist. So always text like you're going to get screen grabbed. Even though it's a treacherous thing for someone to do, right? If somebody screen grabs you up and puts it on the internet they are in the wrong for doing that

but well not all the time I guess if you've been a fucking creepy piece of shit then you should be called out but do you want spent an hour or so

typing the lyrics to S Club Junior's Only You right so this is the love letter that Amy wrote okay so you be you be the boy that she fancies

alright so I'll read this letter so I'll shuffle this shit ooh what's this it It's off Amy. I thought I'd write it in a letter as I'm too shy to say it to you. I guess I should have known better, but I don't know what else to do. I'm on my way, no turning back.

She's on her way? Oh, fuck. When did you send this? She might nearly be here. So take me in your arms. Fuck, there she is! And then we'll be right on track. I write these words to you to tell you just what you mean to me. I hope you like these lines.

This was written by children. Because I love you even more than yesterday. By the way, I loved you yesterday. And all I say to you is true. Will you return to me? I'll wait and see because all I need is you only you

and then it just it just and he's just reading it going is this Shakespeare because it feels like Shakespeare is she stealing is she plagiarising the

the bard you held me through the stormiest weather you're not what you're what I need to guide me through that's great because if he hasn't figured out

it's a song right and he just thinks it's a letter from her and she just randomly slips in you held me through the stormiest weather

in the never even dated yet she just crushes on him from school that's em not a heads up by the way

this is lyrics aye well I think I think at that point where you go fucking hell this rhymes there's no way

I mean unless she unless she phrased or pitched it as a fucking poem. Oh, yeah, I just broke the lines at different points so that he might not have noticed. The next day, excitement in my heart. I just hope it's going to work. Oh, when you think a swing and a miss is going to land.

There's nothing more adorable. I present him with the letter he proceeds to open it and spend the next hour telling anybody he could find about the crushing my dreams of us walking off into the sunset and him holding and him holding her through stormy weather

ruined boys for me for life all my love Amy thanks for that Amy oh that is a that is a fucking brutal one God that's embarrassing aye

I bet that's one of the ones where you just because would he have known it was S Club I imagine aye because it's S Club Junior I feel like S Club 7

were like the more notable hits aye but who else is watching S Club Juniors would you reckon that went under the radar and stayed to the adults Club 7 were like the more notable hits. Aye, but who else is watching S Club Juniors? Would you reckon that went under the radar and stayed to the adults? S Club 7 is all for the kids, but S Club Juniors for the nonsense.

I can't even remember the S Club Juniors. Nah. Where are they now? Dunno, probably furloughed from Tesco. Let's have a genuine fucking look. You're going to find out what the Juniors are doing now. I just don't know probably furloughed from Tesco let's have a genuine fucking look let's see you're going to find out what the juniors are doing now

I just don't remember them I reckon they're still going you know I reckon they're still like oh I was going to say they'll be like

uni but nah because the kids from uni wouldn't have a clue who they were they might do Butlands

or like you know when because I think there's a good circuit for that for these getting to get together as a butlins because i've i've performed at butlins before and done stand up and when i look backstage it was all like atomic kitten and that i remember a tonic yeah it was It was It was all bewitched It was bands that would have been big in the past And probably wouldn't sell that well on a tour I know

But if you were already there You'd go No I built that Such and such as on Oh well okay So here's where the S Club Juniors are now You ready? Right

Rochelle Humes Is 31 She joined the group the Saturdays Oh okay So and then in 2010 She got married to a JLS member, and they got married in 2012. Okay, so she's... All right, fair play her.

Stacey Franks competed in the X Factor, made it to the top six girls. All right. So hold on, can she compete in the X Factor? Is that not... That's not... Hold on, you've already been fucking packaged and sold, man. Surely it's not a...

Aye, but they could just fucking rebrand her, send her out, you know. Man, and also... You're kind of going in with previous, can't you? Aye, but you know how Britain's Got Talent and America's Got Talent works, man. You're kind of just... You're saying Justin Timberlake would go in with a fucking Groucho Marx mask. Aye. You know what I mean?

Named Schmust and Schmimberle. Fuck off. You've already made it. Aye, but in the same way, you know that every single comedian we know has been approached by fucking Britain's Got Talent,

right? And I'm sorry to ruin this, but I think the show's right, so don't give a wet hot shit. Sue me to your heart, fucking content. They've got talent scouts that go out there

and they say, hey, do you want to be in the next seasons in Britain's Got Talent? We can guarantee you a place in the semifinals. That happens regularly. That's what happens in America's Got a place in the semi-finals that's that happens regularly so happens

in America's got talent but I don't think it is like that because it's more like it's more like me doing the 2009 so you think you're funny competition with my

peer group and then fucking Mickey Flanagan being on it and you're going what's he doing what's he doing on it well I think if you went it would be like

you did a sketch group and then coming back seven years later and then doing so you think if you went it would be like you did a sketch group and then coming back seven years later and then doing So You Think You're Funny again but be like oh I've not done comedy I've only done comedy

for a year and you're like well nah nah you've done stage shit alright right so she's a she's a cheating bitch

she is married to former footballer Fraser Franks who played for QPR no No idea. No. Doesn't. The fact that they've not even mentioned suggests. Aaron

Rantree. He dances now. Frankie Bridge also joined the Saturdays. Oh, Frankie Bridge is married to Wayne Bridge. Okay. Frankie from the Saturdays. Okay, so she's gone. Oh, wait a minute. John Terry.

Aye, aye. The one John Terry went with. No, no, no, no, no, no. But no, no, no. Like Wainbridge's new wife, I think. Aye, aye. Daisy Shelby now works as... I'm so glad I get to tell you this, right?

Daisy now works as a successful makeup artist and is married to Newcastle United footballer John Joe Shelby no way no way you want to

bet Cliff Junior is married to John Joe Shelby oh my god I fucking love Shelby

and Dalman they've got two daughters together he's one of the best of a bad bunch he's so shite

he just loves hoofing it he boots the ball he just kicks it hard and sometimes it reaches its

man and it looks like a searching pass like a Beckham pass and then his highlight reel would be

good but it takes a lot of them and he always moves forward I like that that's why he loves corners as

well he's like what I can just boot it I can just swing my foot in that's why he loves corners as well he's like I can just boot it I can just swing my foot in it this is class can I take goal kicks as well he's like

calm down John Joe so aye he's throwing it up as best as club junior and he's not he's not a brilliantly attractive man

where's John Joe Shelby from I wonder why he's like something he's English is he aye because he because he fucking looks Serbian Aye, he does, doesn't he?

Aye He looks a bit Transylvanian Aye, Baltic as shit Calvin Goldspink Got bullied to death because of his name He owns He's a talent book for the Peppermint Club in Los Angeles Which I'm pretty sure

Is a strip joint Sounds Aye Jay Asphorus Now goes by Jay Perry for the Peppermint Club in Los Angeles which I'm pretty sure is a strip joint sounds aye Jay Asphorus now goes by Jay Perry ongoing talent booker so he

he's in Hamilton who is Jay Asphorus by Victoria Fair not in the but he's doing oh not the not the one on Disney Channel

no well well well and then Hannah Richings is how many are there oh loads that was the last one

I think there's seven we'll give it away good right so if you want to send us in any of your previous disgusting habits smugglesandcream at jmail.com

or which either disgusting habits that you used toinsandcream at jmail.com or which? Either disgusting habits that you used to have, like me used to buy my toenails, or disgusting habits that you still have, like reprobate before me, you bogey-picking minger.

Even if you just want to join the conversation and pick up on something we said, you don't just have to scream into the ether anymore while we're wrong. You can email me. And I do read all of them

and there's a few... Sorry, I can't read them all out on the podcast or it would be just the podcast so thank you everybody for the ones I've read but haven't read out you know we're good for 35 minutes of fucking material it's the other 15 that we need to fill with shit I didn't even do my fucking Sam Harris rant

do you want to do that quickly or do you want to save that no I'll do it so I had a fucking literally great morning Oh, do you want to do that quickly? Or do you want to save that? No, I'll do it. So, I had a fucking, like, literally great morning. It's the eyes open meditation fucks you, doesn't it? No, well, yes. Eyes open meditation fucks me. But I understand why that happens.

The eyes open meditation annoys me. But I can understand why it happens. Because in the same way that, like, there's different forms of meditation. You can do walking meditation. You can do meditation while you're eating food, right? It's just about being present in every moment. Make sure that you're experiencing. So it's showing you how to do it a bit more in reality instead of just in practice.

Sam Harris, who's meant to be one of the fucking four horsemen of the atheist apocalypse, right? He's meant to go against fucking religion. He's meant to be this fucking free-thinking fucking genius, right? I cannot fucking stand his spirituality because it's fucking horse shit and he knows it's horse shit and he's so bad at explaining it, right?

So this morning I had a great morning, right? Woke up a bit late because I finished the book last night, right? Cara got me off of coffee at like nine but I didn't wake up until half night but we've got a great morning routine. Wake up, I make a pancake, we have breakfast together.

Fucking great, right? And I'm like, brilliant. Week two of being sober. I've woken up in a genuinely fucking good mood. Perfect time to go into meditation. I lasted seven minutes, right, before I had to stand up because I was so fucking angry.

You text me angry this morning. Aye, aye. And look, I'll take some responsibility, but if your meditation makes me fucking raging you fucking failed don't do that again he's got this dumb thing

this stupid stupid stupid thing which is he's obsessed with some cunt that had a mental breakdown on a mountain so he thinks the guy

had a profound realisation does he talk about this in today's because I avoided it specifically as you said I did a different one today there's this guy right he climbs a fucking mountain he gets on the top of a mountain and I'd done a different one today there's this guy right

he climbs a fucking mountain he gets on the top of a mountain and he decides he's got no head there's no evidence that he's got any head everyone else has got a head but not him he can see the end of his nose

he can see his fucking lips or whatever right he can feel his head there I know the guy but he doesn't have a fucking head I've read the book I've read the book because I wanted

because I wanted to know how bullshit it was I've read it from start to finish and every single word of it is utter fucking tripe right it's this the point is to try

and make you understand that you know that everything that you're experiencing in your head it's like storms passing through the sky or clouds

you don't have to pay attention to it all but here's the thing right I have a fucking head I do have a fucking head and I know I have a fucking head

and at one point you have to admit it's an analogy, otherwise I'm going to get fucking angry. You go, all right then, sir, if you don't believe you have a head, I'm just going to smear the shoe polish on it and you'll go out into society and see what happens. You'll find out fucking pretty soon that you've got a head. Aye, yeah. But it's this other thing, right, which is about consciousness, right?

And Sam Harris, for some reason this logical smart man seems to think consciousness is not located in the brain where it's located and where it's been proven to fucking be located right so I'm sitting there doing meditation he goes so it does that thing of like why while you're judging while you're thinking look for the thinker and what it's to try and do is to try and separate yourself from your ego right to lose the sense of I and me and I understand that. And it's like trying to look at the back of your head. So you're sitting there and he goes okay so where is consciousness? Is it behind your

eyes? And I'm like yes. And he goes okay if you imagine the top of your head is consciousness just below that? Yes, yes that's where I think yes yes and if the back of your head is consciousness in front of that i'm going yes yes that's where that's you just yes ah that's where consciousness is and he's like no consciousness is everywhere i'm like it's fucking not that's why if i hit you in the fucking head you're unconscious if i hit you in the toe, you're not fucking unconscious, right? If you're so confident that consciousness doesn't exist in your fucking head, let me take a baseball bat to it, Sam Harris. Stand there, still, and if consciousness isn't in your fucking head, let me swing as hard as I fucking can. And if you're unconscious, when you wake up,

admit you were fucking wrong. And he's making the police statement going, he hit me in the head and he's like I thought you didn't fucking help oh I'm sorry my bad you dumb cunt you charged me 100 quid to tell us you did that one oh a fucking

I can't stand that bit of like it's fucking lollipop stick philosophy right lollipop we go somebody says something

that sounds profound and because idiots don't question shit they go ahhh but if you apply one second of consciousness

to it you go well that's fucking horseshit like man that's the closest I've ever been to sending a death threat

right and if your meditation if your meditation makes me want to send a fucking death threat your meditation doesn't work

at least then take a step back and go look this is just a fucking death threat. Your meditation doesn't work. At least then, take a step back and go, look, this is just a fucking exercise, right? But meditation is meant to be getting out of your own head or sitting with your own head and just existing amongst it. And it's impossible for me to not have an ego while you're whispering lies into my ear. Can I tell you something I think you may be missing?

Patience? Yeah, patience. But, you know, if you hear a sound, like a car goes by and you hear a sound, that car's out there, that sound's out there. But you do know the sound is in your head, and your head throws it to over there. And if you see something, yeah, the object's over there, but the light hits your eyes, your eyes build a picture that you see, and that is also in your head.

So everything from the car making a noise to the the cabinet over on the wall that you're looking at with your eyes open all of that's inside your head yes so what he's saying where my consciousness is so yeah so he's not saying like the feeling of the thinking of what your thinking's inside your head but everything else is outside actually all of it's outside your head so it's not saying that your brain's not inside your head it's saying that your head is outside all of the stuff, everything that you're receiving. Then why does he ask the same fucking three questions

that he phrases as rhetorical and whisper them in my ear and expect me not to fucking react? It's fucking insanity. It's fucking insanity to be like, you're not in your own head. Sam, Sam, I'm wearing earphones. You're in my head.

It's all in my head. That's where fucking consciousness is. Science has proven that consciousness is in the fucking head. When you stick electrodes to someone, you stick it on their fucking head. It's not their balls. It's not their fucking dick. I think they've done a bad job of explaining it because I think it's saying that all of this is in your head, like all of it's in your head, but the feeling of just some of it's in your head, the feeling of of just some of it's in your head, the feeling of just the centre of it's in your head,

when actually everything that you experience is inside your head. But that's not the angle to come from at all. So I'm like trying to pitch form, but that's not actually the angle he's coming from. So what I would say is I've changed my tack. I used to recommend the Waking Up Act. I now actively do not recommend it. Go to Headspace.

Headspace is good actually actually I did one on Netflix aye I'm going to start with that if people haven't meditated before it does 10 minutes explanation

10 minutes of guided meditation it was a good one today like I just it was like the old practice ones that were on waking up before we got all weird aye

I'm done with waking up I'm not I'm not reapplying next year the cunt can go fuck himself. I still like it. I do the other ones like the Stoke ones and I've even started on that headless way to try and get more of an understanding of what they are on about

and that. I still think it's alright. Talking through their fucking arse. I've got a head. You'll never, ever, ever convince me that I don't have a head and I don't think from a brain. Nah, but are you, like, are you just because you're thinking that then I'm talking metaphorically?

No, no, no, no, he's not. Because it's so, because he'd go, it's a metaphor, it's a fucking exercise. In the same way that he does with, because he takes moments out, he goes, look for the thinker.

He explains what that is. The cunt genuinely doesn't think consciousness is in your head. I always think of myself as one of them telly heads from Saga. You know, the Saga comics. Aye, Prince Robot the Fourth. Aye, Prince Robot the Fourth.

Every time I'm doing the Headless Way, I feel like one of them telly heads because he's trying to say instead of a head, you've got a space where everything fills. So all your experiences and feelings and insight and hearing and all that just fills this like perfect space and you're just the space for it like where your head would be where everybody else has got a head you've got a space where you experience things i quite like the metaphor of it like obviously i've got a head there it is i look poking it but the the talk about

it as if you actually haven't hate it hate it spiritual, spiritual mumbo fucking jumbo, people that can't use actual words to explain the fucking concepts are like you know what we'll just do it through guessing shite, we'll just make shite up he can go fuck himself well you're really doing a good job off the weed well speaking of which, this weekend

was actually the first time I've not craved it, but like, when I've gone, it would be nice now. All last week, there was genuinely no moment where I wasn't fucking reaching for it. It was just the weekend where I was like, I was just watching documentaries, and I'm like, this would be class high again. I am looking forward to going back to Wade, but I think I'm going to try and make it just a weekend thing.

Because now that we've got this fucking office, this studio that we're doing this podcast from, I'm loving Mondays to Fridays because I'm busy. You've got an office job. Yeah. You can busy yourself with it. I come in, I stream at certain hours of the fucking day. Me and Alex are recording the fucking audio book.

I do my emails from here for a fucking bit Have you done any writing from it yet? Not yet just because I mean it just feels like You've got nothing to write for Aye, aye, I've got an idea for a fucking No I don't

There's a vague idea for a second I just, man, you know me You're getting stuff done is is what you're saying. Aye, aye, aye. You're coming here twiddling your thumbs. It's got heating. I'm not doing Dry January, but I've gotten this far. I'm not going to be able to complete the whole thing

because I'm moving to my new house. You've got to. On Burns Night. Aye. I'm going to have a whiskey when I move in. Burns Night, moving to my place in a whisky when I move in Burns Night we're in a place in Glasgow aye

I do miss I do miss whisky I don't miss being drunk particularly but I do miss

fucking whisky we were watching it Gone Girl last night and it's that good role that you've got

which I like whenever you see somebody drinking whisky and something you get whisky for yourself they just poured a fucking

long measure of whiskey and he just looked so happy while drinking it and I was like aye I bet that's class you know apparently I don't know if this is true but it's one of those

urban myths that goes around Johnny Depp who's absolutely fucking teetotal I think it's Laphroaig loves Laphroaig so much that whenever he's in Scotland he'll get dram of it

and he just sniffs it I caught myself almost doing that yesterday he just has a sniff of the whisky he just leaves it under his nose thinks the flavour thinks the smell is fucking amazing doesn't drink it

but it's enough I know some people that have stopped smoking that like being around smokers aye and I know people that'll just come and have a little pass of smoke

aye just come and enjoy it. I'm two days off, four months now without a cigarette. Don't even fancy one anymore. Like, it's not even a bother anymore. You've got your schnooze. Aye, and I'm loving them. But I keep saying it can't.

I'm just like, look, this is just, I'm trading one vice for another. This is just until you get your weed back. Yeah, this is just until I get my fucking weed back. But God, I do love it. I do love it I do love it but so far new year 10 days in

and I've 11 days in I've done press ups every day 50 press ups I've read a chapter of my book minimum every day

I've actually read two books nearly because minimum a chapter a day but I've been binging and meditated every day and also drank my four bottles of water

also I will recommend the book if anyone's into fantasy shit Jesus Christ Sean Connery stop possessing me Meditated every day And also drank My four bottles of water Also I will recommend The book If anyone's into Fantasy shit Fantasy shit Jesus Christ Sean Connery Stop possessing me

If anyone's into Fantasy shit out there The Lies of Locke Lamora By Scott Lynch Is fucking Mwah Mwah Mwah

Mwah What a book it is And also I'm part of a book club now You know that don't you I do Yeah if you want to Join my book club Come. Aye. You know that, don't you? I do. Yeah, if you want to join my book club,

come and meet me on Twitch, www.twitch.tv forward slash Kai Muggins. Aye. Aye, Kai Muggins, and you're on Twitch as well. But it's through my Twitch channel I do a book club. Your dad wears a bib to eat pussy. Pussy. That was drooling so much.

Your dad was losing an argument with your mum, so he held his breath until he passed out. Aye, but if you go to his house, he got the scale electrics, so... So he won the argument. He was losing it until until what you meant to say was until he held his breath

your dad walks around on his knees with shoes on them at theme park so he's too small to get on the ride so nobody knows he's scaled

he's a scary little boy your dad chipped his tooth biting chocolate money to see if it was real then tried to spend if it was real. Then tried to spend it. He was like, well, this is real. Yes, hello, sir.

I've got a gold bullion for you. Your dad doesn't pull the bath plug because he thinks it's a waste of water. He just stays there and drinks it all. With some juice in. Linda! Linda Linda bring up the corny hole Linda no not the

not the black current go on then the black current your dad your dad phoned the police on himself recently for stealing milk off a doorstep

when he was 12 your dad tried to store him the House of Commons, but he doesn't know where or what it is, so he's currently dressed as a bear inside of a Holiday Inn demanding a recount. Your dad has a gaping anus, but not from anything

sexual. He's just been using those expanders that got used on my ears. Your dad leaves little notes in his teeth to flirt with the dentist tiny little ones oh what's this i don't know why you're doing it just smiling unexpectedly please tb take the box yes I know put it back in otherwise I won't know aww ask me to say

aww if you love me and the doctor's like open your mouth really wide please sir and he's like aww

aww never when the fucking barber he got both over the same did he fucking got you and he's like aww aww never went to fucking barber he got both over the same did he fucking got you no he didn't

stop spitting he got you and then he got me shut the fuck up he got you he got me he was shaving the sides of my hair

and then he went up my mouth and up my mouth and I was like what did you think I was going to do good barber banter that. Fan of it.

Your dad says ooh put me in your suitcase but not when I tell him I'm going somewhere nice. He says it when I get back and he knows it's gone under my bed. Let's go watch The Circle.

Let's have a circle jerk.