Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 42 Heimlichs and High Fives

Episode Date: March 31, 2017

Seeing as we left you hanging for 2 weeks we thought a bonus episode would tickle your biscuit. Muggins saved Creams life in a heroic act of valour and they tell possibly the grossest story in the muggins back catalogue. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and Cream, Cream and Muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' Muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done! We're in the same seats.

That's hack. Aww, Muggles. Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Cream can come true.

Close your eyes and think of the muggins. You know you got to have them. You done? You know you straight up. We're back for a more sober podcast than the last one. After we spoke to you last time, after we were on the airwaves, so it was halfway through,

we decided to go out and start getting drunk. Yeah. And then come back and done the second half drunk, so that was like a sober half and a drunk half. Yeah. We went out that night and got fucking slaughtered. Horrifically drunk. So drunk.

There was free wine? There was free wine, there was free beer, there was whiskey, and we had gigs, and we did gigs. And, well, yeah. So we've been drinking since about 11am, went out for lunch, had a big boozy lunch. I hadn't really slept, I'd just powered through on a long, long flight. And it's the day before the festival, it's the launch party that night. So we go down, I've got one gig at Crab Lab, you've got another gig at The Expert.

But they're just short spots, 15 minute spots. For me it was a 7 minute spot, dead easy. You can get a little bit drunk, a bit tiddly. I was doing new stuff, it means I'm confident in the material I play around with it more. And I guess about half past 6 and I'm a maggot just sitting down on the couch and

all I just see is you jumping up and running away. I'm like, oh. First thing I was like, he shot himself again. I mean, he has had a lot to drink. Yeah. It's about time this probably happened. And then I turned to Alan Anderson. I was like, where's he gone? And would you like to explain what happened? So Alan went to me and he's like, is your gig not in 20 minutes? And I was like, I don't

start tomorrow. And he was like, no, you start tonight. 20 minutes and I was like I don't start all tomorrow and he was like no you start tonight as far as I was concerned the festival didn't really start at this and he was like nah because I was going to book that room

to do a one off whiskey show in and I couldn't book the room at that time because you're in it and people that were going to come to his show or something had bought tickets for mine

so he knew I had punters as well and he just told us I had a gig so this is 20 minutes before my gig and we are 15 minutes away from the venue bought tickets for mine so he knew i had punters as well and uh he just told us i had a gig 20 like this so this is 20 minutes before my gig yeah and we are 15 minutes away from the venue on foot right and you're seven hours into drinking and i'm and i haven't been to sleep yet and um so i just fucking checked the website because i couldn't take his word for it and

sure enough my tickets are on sale on the website and I'm like this is unprofessional and I fucking ran to the gig and there weren't many people there but there's this little combat tent in the venue what do you mean combat tent? so the venue's a really cool venue and it's got this

like say like military like camouflage like a kind of weapon but with like fake leaves on it yeah

combat tent that would probably fit about 15 people max it would be tight in there 15 people in but the Philip like we've been bags and shit that I had like about a dozen fork in as it's like fuck the venue is seeing the combat time fucking torture before fucking ghost stories fucking I just stood there drunk chatting to strangers and fuck it was great I just didn't racked it and told some fucking stories that wouldn't be in my show.

But a good gig? I had a great time, yeah. I got lots of, everyone went and put it on Facebook and tweeted about it afterwards. So then we bumped into each other. Can I do that more often? We bumped into each other

later on that night and then you had to save my life. I did save your life. Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend. Almost lost a friend. How to save my life I did save your life where did I go wrong I lost a friend almost lost a friend so how did it save a life so

I'm walking around first off we went and it was 7-11 and you bought like some cheap ass sausage roll aye I was supposed to be the fucking specialist

expensive ones no no we're in Melbourne we're just like the fucking nicest 24 hour food places aye like even Pie Face oh Pie Face is the fucking tits.

It's the fucking best. It's like if Gregg's was royalty. Yeah. Oh, but apparently not over here though. Steak injected with cheese pie. Yes, please. But apparently Pie Face is proper. I was like, man, Pie Face over here is great.

Nick Cody looked at me like I was a fucking scumbag. So they frowned upon it, but if that was on the UK high street, that would be fucking cuisine. Oh, yeah, proper. But on top of that, you've got all these sushi joints, it's like the best but you just walked into the 7-Eleven and just like fucking lifted up a newspaper and went can I have that please?

I was hammered I was like right I'm going to be drinking more I'll just get a fucking sausage rolled down me and then, because it was literally on the way to the drinking place we were going to and then sometimes when I'm drunk and sometimes when I'm hungry I forget to chew food

like, so I split the sausage roll with Jean lady in the tramp style she's the tramp beauty and the beast style she's the beast nah, the beast's got a castle

And he's useful So Like I'll go for a bite And I take a too big a bite And then all the like Flakes just sort of fall off And then just like

A fucking torpedo I was like I proper Like a fucking seagull With a chip Just went And it gets about Down past my

My throat And my neck Like to where my sternum and i just feel it just firmly lodge itself now because i'm used to being in positions where i've not chewed food well enough i know that if i just beat my fucking chest like matthew connolly and fucking uh wolf of wall street i like king kong and king kong oh Kong Yeah Was he done since And That can normally get it down And I'm beating my chest And it's not working So weird sight for you and Gene

All you've seen Is me eating sausage And start beating my chest As if that's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life Like Yeah Yeah boy

Big doggy sausage Roll what he wants I was just going to chest bump With you I was getting excited Man that might have helped And then I took And then I took and then

I go for a breath and I'm like yeah and just nowhere is going down and I don't have a drink nearby to attempt to sort of lubricate it up your eyes went like have you seen

Total Recall with Arnold Schwarzenegger when he has the dream that he's he's on Mars and he's visor smashes no

and sort of like his visor smashes so he's just exposed to the vacuum of space and his eyes come out on stalks. No. But yeah, it was pretty much, aye, I had slug eyes. They probably came out like it was Jim Carrey in The Mask.

There was a bit of fear, but the thing is like, I've had moments in my life where I... But I still thought you were joking. I was like, he's really committing to this. He looks like death. So I turn to you, and you think I'm joking, so you laugh. So I turn to Gene,

and Gene, who actually loves me, goes, are you alright? And I just shake my head. And then I turn back to you, and you're like, oh, seriously? And I was like... His face going fucking... Nah, nah, good skit guys.

I got you, mug. Come into the bin. And I'm there and you just go off for fuck's sake, turn around, grab me from behind. Got contented. Felt familiar. And just gave me the old. I've done the actual Heimlich manoeuvre already. The actual Heimlich manoeuvre.

It's just something that like exists in myth. The Heimlich manoeuvre is just somethinglich manoeuvre it's just something that like exists in myth the Heimlich manoeuvre is just something that like and we did practice with Abdonalds when I was a lifeguard in Concordia we'd practice and train

so it is something I knew how to do but just something when you learn how to do it but never assume you're ever going to use it it was like

Mrs Doubtfire on it and the thing was I was I was disappointed I was cheered up because like if that had been how I died, I would have got rinsed for the rest of my fucking... Well, not my life, I'm dead. I would have been there in the last few seconds.

The last few beats of your heart. I'm just rinsing you. My vision goes and the last thing I hear is, Ah! On a sausage roll! What a fucking dweeb pussy oh he choked on it Connie

Connie and Jude's going an ambulance an ambulance and you just phone in your mates a sausage roll shouting into the 7-Eleven everyone making a purchase

careful I was disappointed though because every time I've seen people use the Heimel manoeuvre in all the cartoons I watch right it always shoots out the mouth did it just dislodge no I just went down my throat I was disappointed though because every time I've seen people use the Heimlich manoeuvre in all the cartoons I watch, it always shoots out of the mouth. Did it just dislodge?

No, it just went down my throat. I mean, it wasn't wasted. I still ate it. I'm just scared now I'm going to shit it out whole as well. Can I teach you to do it from the other end? Turn it upside down? Turn it upside down and do the Heimlich? You're going to have a poo on my face?

Just use me like the end of a toothpaste. Just squeeze it. Squeeze it down. Try to get it out of my body. Every time you eat now it's kind of mushing down. But what I've realised in that moment, right, is...

That you owe me your life. Well, I mean, we'll call it quits. What? When have you saved my life recently? Oh, recently? Never. But in general, recently? Never. But in general?

Never. Aye. Like, did you see what Natalie put online as well about marrying us two? Marrying us both. And then I think it was your mum wrote something about it's a two-man job keeping Kai alive. Or Natalie maybe wrote it. It was a conversation between your mum and Natalie. She called your mum, called your missus a man.

A two-man job, yeah. Called you a man? Yeah. Boy. No. I mean, I can hardly talk. I haven't learned how to chew my food,

that's fair. If this was someone's job to keep me alive, he would never pass the application stage. He wouldn't get an interview. I've learned though, in a situation,

I've always known you're good for panic situations like that. I've always thought you used to be a lifeguard. Gene can get fucked. Gene, like, in a situation panic situations I've always known you're good for like panic situations like that I've always known you know you used to be a lifeguard Jean can get fucked Jean like because if you hadn't

been there like I saw the fear in Jean and all Jean She dropped her one knees and shouted help Yeah

and this is a little useful tidbit if you ever are choking on something and you're alone Call me on 1-800 Legend Hero

1-800 Muggins and you just basically put your hands across your chest like you're going on a flume and you sort of fall back and hopefully uh that dislodges it but like tilt your head forward otherwise you probably knock yourself out if you're gonna choke to death just go no I choose how I die. Jump in front of traffic. The tram will dislodge the sausage roll and all your intestines. Fuck you, fate.

But at least you died in a decent way. I'd rather get hit by a tram than choke on a fucking sausage roll. How could you, like... Oh, my poor parents. Because there have been times when I've had to do stuff like... So at the end of the festival, last year, the Edinburgh Festival, I had strep throats so basically

just the inside of my throat was torn to shit so I couldn't like swallowing was absolute agony and I couldn't drink I couldn't eat

and I'm just feeling awful so it was like last night at the festival and I just go home and I can't sleep because like I'm either coughing

which is agony or I'm just swallowing I'm just in a lot of pain so I don't When I get like that, I go self-destruct mode and just have a cigarette. Even though my throat's intact. I couldn't even vape at that point.

Because I was like, part of what you do right now is to smoke a joint. And the second I lit it up, it was just like... Because it's just basically there's cuts in your throat. It was horrific. You put a little lamp. A little baby.

So I went to... For this part, I'll have to... Someone I know was like, little baby. So I went to, and for this part, I'll have to, someone I know was like, you should take some tramadol because that'll just sort of knock you out. And I was like, I don't really,

I don't trust legal drugs. Yeah, it's weird, isn't it? Those are the ones that killed Heath Ledger and almost killed Eminem. Yeah, when it comes to like, when people are on painkillers, like sleeping tablets, anything like that,

I kind of frown upon it, just going, whoa, you're getting hooked on these prescription meds. And I look at them like I'm on this moral high ground, yet I'll happily just go into some sketchy dealer's house or something, so I want to sleep on the couch and fucking... But that's the thing, there's a direct line between a drug dealer and you, so they don't want to lose a customer

or things to come back to them whereas the person who made the pill these legal pills doesn't give a fuck about me it's a fucking corporation somewhere so I take the tramadol I've never done it before and I never will again and I remember it worked for a bit but I woke up at like

three hours later and just my throat was closing right so I wake up, and I'm alone in the house. You're still out, right? Jean's away in fucking Bali, right? I know Ellis is out. So I'm just waking up in a house,

an empty house, with my throat closing, and I'm just like, right, this isn't good. And I get up, and I'm getting like small intakes of air in, but I'm like, this is closing at a very fast rate.

It's also probably panic attacks. I'm sort of working out that realistically it's not closing forever. I'll probably just pass out and then wake up. But I'm like, the best thing to do, because the house is fucking empty, is to just wake up, go upstairs, unlock the front door, get myself into the recovery position. And call 9-9-9. No, no, and text. I couldn't talk.

So I'd have to text people. So I was just going to be like trying just go text all please come to the house my throat's closed and i'm dying he just threw a party everyone just rocks up with bags of booze recovery position yeah he's on it yeah it's awesome having a great time start before we go here finish before we go here but fortunately abby and f rollo two of our friends who were staying over uh had come back early from a party so they just hear me in the hall good and they both run downstairs and again it's that exact same situation as i had yesterday with you and jean right as i turned to abby and she just goes right okay uh what what do you want i'm like point to my throat and she

goes right off shall i phone an ambulance shall I phone Marlena what do you want and she's it's just yes or no questions Afraid to say like you okay what is what do you how is

oh god what do we go in the shower I'm like you are the most pointless half a banana it's got potassium oh

so maybe she's just got a small throat ah maybe she's just got a throat like a child's butthole. Explains the smell. Maybe she's just wearing a happy-looking beard mask. But I'm not dead, so thanks for that.

You're really grateful afterwards. I think you just saved my life, dude. Thanks for that. You can come up to me later on as well thanks for saving my life business as usual I've still got to be a dick to you Gene was more thankful

again I don't understand much about how throats work clearly or chewing Gene was in awe of what just happened oh useless if I was there when you were having your throat closing moment Imagine I'd just casually Just give you one of them pen track Like episode one of Lost

Or it would be just Once I come out of bed And my throat's closing And you're like I'll give him the Heimlich manoeuvre I'm like no this just hurts Your throat just starts inflating like a frog Ribbit Your throat's like

completely blocked did I because I don't I hate to do this all the time I keep telling the same story twice on a podcast or whatever

but did I tell you or did I tell one of the podcasts you listened to about the story when I was in Zante with this guy that split his head open no

haven't I told this story on the podcast I think so well if you can't remember it, other people probably don't. Right. So, I diagnosed myself as fucking too drunk to be out in Zante, right? I was like absolutely fucking shit-faced hammered and decided to walk back on my own. Is this when Gav peed on you and you went home crying?

No, that was a different holiday. Oh, okay. I just wanted to bring that up. So, this one got a pain on it I just want to hear that story now let's bookmark the other one we'll get back to that right

so this was in Magaluf for Sean Anderson's stag party and we ended up like swapping clothes just to Sean Anderson's just your friend

not a comic I feel like whenever we full name someone they're like oh look out for him don't look out for Sean Anderson yeah unless you're a criminal

because he's a policeman and so we wrote for his and we ended up like Don't look out for him. Don't look out for Sean Anderson. Yeah, unless you're a criminal, because he's a policeman. So we went out for his, and we ended up, like, a bunch of us swapping clothes with a bunch of girls, so I was wearing a fucking dress for a section of the night, and people kept, like,

lighting me up, lighting me leg, and I kept feeling my leg going on fire, and then having to put the fire out on my leg, right? And then later on, the evening after, I would swap my clothes, right?

I felt my leg go hot, and I went to put out the fire on my leg and just slapped a big fucking leg full of piss this guy had been pissing on us

just in the street like I was a lamppost and he was a dog obviously that's what people do at a lamppost but he started pissing on us

and I actually had a huff I've only ever seen you huff a thing twice. And it's, for the happiest man on the planet, it is the funniest fucking juxtaposition in the world. Because you're trying to remain angry, and then you can just see everyone else laughing,

and you really enjoy when other people are laughing. I'm trying to use my anger to make people laugh, but still actually legit angry. So, basically, the reason I had such a huff about it is I was like, well,

now I've got to go back and get changed. And they're like, fuck off, don't go back. Why don't you swap again with the girl with the dress? Because her dress

had been set on fire ages ago. So, I was trying to go home to get changed but they just assumed me going back to get changed has been in a huff and were like, trying to go home to get changed but they just assumed me going back to get changed it's been an hour

and we're like trying to keep us out and not let us go back and we're fucking someone else had pissed my pants eventually I've just found stopping a fucking weapon made swap jeans with us

and he just started wearing my jeans coming and piss like mug what a mug so in Zante in 2008 this is a few

years down the line I'm walking back absolutely hammered right just at this point I'd like to point out to

Natalie like obviously all these stories happened so pre Natalie but you've not changed much massively since

then so this is just a massive warning to her for the stag do the rest of her life no the stag do like if that happened

holy shit yeah because yeah there's talk about I think we're going to get married in Ibiza so there's talk of like Natalie's going to looking to have her hen party

in Ibiza and just running straight into the wedding and like the idea was in the basics was let's have

the hen party and stag party in Ibiza but I'm like that's a terrible idea like I mean I'll come out early but that the hen party and stag party at Ibiza but I'm like that's a terrible idea like I mean I'll come out early but that can't be the stag

yeah that is a recipe for disaster as if the wedding's going to I need it's like she's not seen the hangover

yeah so I think we're going to have to we're going to have to have one separate oh absolutely several months before like

because the intention is to kill you. I was thinking about not drinking. Classies only. I'm a classy man. So in Zante, I fucking diagnosed myself too ham-eyed. I'm spewed or whatever in a club. And I'm just like, oh, fuck, I'm going to bed.

And I just popped smoke. I side-doored it. And I'm walking back and it starts chucking it down in rain and I get I get to the level with this bar

and there's like commotion outside the bar and this guy has fucking split his head open and he's just on the marble right and because it's raining in Greece

the fucking the blood was mixing in with the water and it was spreading like a murder scene it was like fucking it was like the opening of Saving Private Ryan

just the sea it was ridiculous I was looking at it going that's like something off Dexter and Dexter hasn't even been written yet you're just Dexter's

laboratory I put a big big claw come out of his head grab his hat and put it back on that's Inspector Gadget I think the Powerpuff Girls did this.

Oh mum, it's all mixed up. Yeah, I was on acid this night. Where's Ren and Stimpy? So, Rock was one life. Remember that one? I remember that one. It was a good one. So this guy's head split open

and his blood is pooling like nothing I've ever seen. It was fucking ridiculous, right? Instead of dealing with him, his friends were arguing about what had happened right and instead of dealing with him his friends were arguing about what had happened and it was it turned out like

one of his friends hit him and then he fell and hit the deck and like bust his head open on the deck and then they were like

trying to poke blame rather than deal with him so I fucking get down and I take my t-shirt off and I padded into just show them what you got the last thing he sees I was like

what do you reckon if this doesn't get your fucking blood pumping off as well in fact the pool started getting I'll just show him what you got. The last thing he sees. I'll say, what do you reckon? If this doesn't get your fucking blood pumping up as well, the pool's starting to get... I'll say, quick, I've got to give him an erection. That blood needs to go the other way. All right, so you've got all the blood just going back into his head to pump his erection. Yeah.

Just start hoovering it up with a cut. But then he bloated because it mixed with the rain water and he doubled in size so I take my top off my Ed Hardy top because you know I was a bit of a chav oh no

you know I was a fucking big bulldog in cross guitars and sequins or whatever so I get this this t-shirt folds it up and pads it against his head and um

and held it in put him in the recovery position and started talking like wrangling his friends this is where i'm fucking shit-faced as well wrangling his friends they call an ambulance to try and find these insurance documents and shit like that i just started like proper handling the situation and then um the ambulance came along and i kept him talking the whole time he was like practically unconscious but like his lips were moving so I'm just like wetting his lips and giving him a kiss kissing him going come on stay with us

stay with us Brian I don't even know if that's your name but it's my pet name for you the paramedics took him off down the street right should have called him sore head Hardy sore head Hardy bled Hardy they call him Sorehead Hardy Sorehead Hardy Bled Hardy This podcast

is so stupid So Bled Hardy gets fucking he just he gets fucking oh shut down the oh shut down the street by the

paramedics alongside alongside the ambulance now he got put in and I just watched me fucking whatever

60 punt t-shirt just disappeared in the street and then all the people that were around us were like oh that was amazing I was like

nah nah it's fine I'm drunk I'll take your number though ask us tomorrow when you're going to make a decision so everybody was like really fucking nice it was amazing ask us tomorrow when you're going to make a decision.

So everybody was like really fucking nice and then left. And then all of a sudden I'm just a drunk Geordie in the street with no top on covered in blood. Oh yes, if that's the first time

you've been in that position. Do you not feel like you're like, oh, we've got deja vu. 50 times over. Oh, man. So there it was.

And then fucking, that was the day. That was the same day as the fucking. Right, so tell that story. Is this the one, is this the Ricketts? Yeah. I mean, you can. Your wife's listening. Your fiancee's already.

She knows this story. She never knew me in 2008. If she did, she would never have proposed. Yeah. I mean, you can. Your wife's listening. Your fiancé's sorry. She knows this story. She never knew me in 2008. If she did, she would never have proposed. Oh, the story's changing. She would never have accepted the proposal if she knew me in 2008 with my bleached blonde hair and my head hardly top. Well, a certain part of 2008,

at one point in 2008, you no longer had the head hardly top. Yeah, that's true. So I get a... Just for any listeners I'm so sorry about this story it's wrong on

a thousand different levels it's fully unacceptable it's actually this is probably one of my worst stories yep

there's always like whenever you tell a story about me this is one of the three that you tell where you're like this is gonna it's not good

it's one of the ones we've never been able to tell on stage because it's it's too much it's one of the ones we've never been able to tell on stage because it's it's too much it's awful but it's a podcast fuck them they know you

yeah turn the podcast off if you're hurt everyone's engaged now right because I've just proposed to them all right so I get back

right topless topless topless and wet and I fall asleep and then still drunk I wake up to

rickets bounding into my room and just go guy guy I've got a girl packed in my room and I was like what I have like

quality dude proud of you that's my boy and they just said do you want to come and watch and I was like don't have to ask me twice. So I fucking lied in bed, fucking butt-ass naked, right?

I just fucking wrapped my sheet around me like a toga. So I just wiped it in like fucking Socrates. Oh, yeah. Socrates is famous for what's about to happen in this fucking story. That great philosopher who was always talking about, you know, understanding human logic in the mind. Yeah, yeah, Socrates. So I went there just, you know, understanding human logic in the mind. Yeah, yeah. So I went there just so I could fucking examine human logic in the mind.

And so this girl's like lying on Ricketts' bed and he's like kissing her and stuff. And they eventually invite us up. I have to sit there and be Toga. Yeah. Do you want to invite the classy Caesar over there? Get him involved. And I don't know how it ended up

Happening right But we ended up Both wanking Yep Right And she was there like Oh I can't believe this is happening And I don't normally do anything like this

And I'm like Oh yeah of course not I can't Right Then why does that line Sound so rehearsed So I can't believe this

I've got my holder hat on I'll just let him YOLO So So YOLO's lying there Fucking. I'm just letting YOLO. So YOLO's lying there, fucking being all YOLO. And like Ricketts is... That might have been her last YOLO, to be honest with you. I'm glad she gave me her last YOLO. So Ricketts is going fucking hell for liver. Like there's money on it.

Honestly, right now I'm just like, I can't even get a hard on because of him fucking grunting and flexing and he's like oh I can't believe this is happening and I'm like I'm just like

fucking casually I was also ran I took part most approved player participation medal participation medal fucking pinky up while you're doing

still covered in blood from earlier I think it was from earlier I thought Ricketts was going very hard so Ricketts finished he won

yeah I come second though I mean I didn't even come second I didn't even finish no so fucking Ricketts come first

and he held up a high five and I'm just like winning's winning high fived him shouldn't have's winning. High fived him. Shouldn't have. The minute I high fived him, right, fucking the splash made us realise that he'd scooped up his load and he held a high five handful of spunk. And I hit that high five with gusto.

I fucking watched his elbow because I didn't want to miss it. And I fucking hit the perfect high five and decorated the fucking hotel room like the walls, her, me, him. And he's just there like fucking scary movie, just grinning through the spunk, through the ectoplasm. And I was just here. Second time I'd lost my sense of humour.

Oh my God, was I not happy. I stood there with my angry erection, just going, Rick, it's your fucking hospital. God, what have you done with this? You're a monster! I fucking stormed out covered in blood and spunk and just fucking had a sit-down shower.

I sat down in the shower. I fucking mopped myself down with a fucking shower head. I went back to bed, didn't even have a sheet because I left my sheet in the fucking room. I left my toga in the room I'm not going to

I'm not going to storm out with a hard on and then like ten minutes later I go forgot my sheet it was the second time it was like a scene

from Dexter fucking so I just went back to bed right and then I woke up because I better me know how fucking ham out I was

and I spewed up and decided that it was time to go home at some point in the night and I fucking done that thing with the dude and then I woke up because I better remember how fucking ham-hard I was and I spewed up and decided that it was time to go home at some point in the night and I fucking done that thing with the dude and then Rick

just fucking high-fived he spunked everywhere he saved the life and then prevented 50,000 so I woke up

with a feeling of like what the fuck happened last night but I couldn't really place it I couldn't really put together what had happened and it was kind of like

slowly dawning on us and I was one of the last people up and I walked out of the pool in rickets I'd managed to tell everyone around the pool and not just our group of mates like everyone on the resort

and I just walked out of my room with my fucking swimming shorts on and the whole place is like lads on tour what happens in Zanty stays on the podcast right I'll go get our phones and you explain to them what Muggle Corner is

Muggle Corner is so we do a section on the podcast every month if this is the first month you've tuned in I am so sorry about that story it took us like 41 episodes to ease people into how frank we are and how awful you were in your past yeah so um sorry you just got the worst of it in your first listen fuck if you want to go in going at the deep end

uh so we do we do a section on the podcast every time called muggle corner where we identify muggle like behavior a muggle in harry potter as already know, is a non-magic person. A non-nomad. And again, muggles in the Harry Potter world are not bad people. In the same way that in real life, muggles are not bad people. They're not bad people,

they're just a little bit shit at being them. And now we're all guilty of doing muggle things. We catch ourselves doing them every day. And it doesn't make you a full-time muggle, but you've just got to make sure that your level of mugglery is below 50%. I think it's your goal to stay engaged and stay

in the game and stay as least muggle as you can. Because to be fair, it's definitely not muggly to realise your little muggle things. If you become aware of them, you're like... And you're allowed to enjoy them. I enjoy some of the muggle things I do, and I'll continue to do them again, but I'm just making sure that ratio's... For example, my parents are always on the cusp.

Yeah. Like, they listen to the podcast. Tweeting celebrities and shit. Right. Me. Where are you? You done us ready? So each week we nominate three things. We discuss whether they are Mugly. If we both agree they're Mugly, and you are guilty of them, you have to stand in the corner for 30 seconds for each thing.

So, I will go first. This one is, I don't know if you'll fully understand it, but it's also a quick one. Muggles play Xbox and PlayStation games for the achievement points. I always remember, for me, I love gaming, but I'll play the game until I stop enjoying it, and the second I stop enjoying it, I stop playing the game. That's how it works. But there's some people that just you can get like a thousand points

for each game right and it's just a little online score now this score doesn't go on to anything right you can't trade it in for anything it's not like nectar points no no not at all it's just a sort of way of showing off it should be they should let you have it would be such an incentive if you could get like money off games or free games absolutely

because like here you clearly enjoy that you played this game to the full so there oh yeah if it was a lowly scheme it would be great oh incentive if you could get money off games or free games. Absolutely, because here you clearly enjoy it. You played this game to the full. If it was a lowly scheme, it would be great. If that's how you bought downloadable content instead, you had to earn it, that would be great, but it's not. I had friends when Call of Duty, one of the ones you had to go through the entire game on veteran mode on the plane.

You had to get 100... There was 100 enemies on this, and you had to get a hundred there was a hundred enemies on this and you have to get a hundred percent head accuracy like kills the thing on veteran and it was just impossible and my friends were just lost days i'm like it's getting angry getting angry not enjoying the game anymore so i'd done that with assassin's creed loved that game thought it was great and then there was this thing about collecting flags. And I made the whole thing about collecting flags. And I must have sat there for hours, straight-faced, not enjoying it,

and completely lost the story mode so that when I'd done the story, I didn't know what was happening because I'd been collecting flags. Because you think there's going to be this little bonus at the end. Yeah. I think that was the moment for me where I was like, fuck achievement points for sapping the joy out of a game. I think some of them with their challenge some of them with their like challenge-y, like can be good and stuff, but

for me I've always enjoyed Easter eggs in games, for those that don't know, Easter eggs are like little things. Well that's what the book Ready Player One is about.

Yeah, great. That was recommended on the podcast. Easter eggs are like fun, in the old Halo games, me and Ali used to just go into, we knew wherever there

was, there were some of the best easter eggs, on the last mission which was a time based thing, you've got to drive to the end of the thing, if one of the bits you get out of the car at a specific point and you go down a little back alley, there's an enemy, a little grunt there, but he doesn't do anything, all he does is

it's the outtakes, he says the outtakes from the guy who did the voice of the grunt, so it's just him and it's just fucking,akes. He says the outtakes from the guy who did the voice of the grunt. So it's just him, and it's just fucking, you stand there until you die. That's fun. You take a little reward for finding something out. Yeah, but the reason I did that, I didn't get any points for that.

I was like, that's a fucking funny thing that someone discovered. But I just, I really, if you want to do competitive payment, do it online. Siri's got Easter eggs, do you know that? Yeah. You can ask, like, who's the fairest of them all? What is zero divided I'll do one right now

oh no I'm not I'm not online but if you do zero what is zero divided by zero who's the fairest of them all there's like there's a handful yeah yeah little things

how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood yeah so if you just spent like ask somebody to just get stoned and ask Siri like a bunch of questions and every now and again I'll find something

like a fucking funny thing but with the I just today I've met someone the other day who's like, I just had to do an Xbox Live, so your gamerscore's pretty low and I'm like, oh dude, come on. Like, that's not why any of us play games.

If that's how... If you're taking the enjoyment out of all, I just think it's... You were just there going, I wish you had a gamerscore on Tinder. Oh dude, Jesus. Yeah, so you agree? you're taking the enjoyment out of all I just think you were just there going I wish I had a game of score on Tinder oh dude Jesus yeah so you agree? yeah yeah

definitely in but like fuck it I'm like definitely was muggly in that respect until that happened with Assassin's Creed and I was just like nah fuck this well you get 10 bonus points

if you go stand in the corner for 10 minutes woo my first muggle corner of the day is leaving passive-aggressive notes, which you have just become victim of. So me and Gene are staying in an Airbnb. It's in an apartment in Melbourne. It's a very small place, but it's nice.

It's the centre of town, so that's why. So this isn't a hotel? No, no, no, no. This is just apartments. It's an apartment that we're renting for the fucking month. And in the past four days, not just on our door, but on the notes down whenever we come at night, every day there's just a post-it note on one of the doors from someone who's been like, Hi, could you make sure you don't slam doors, please?

Or make sure this door is closed at night because otherwise the smell comes out. Or can you make sure that when you do the elevator that you don't hold it? It's like... Who is this psychopath? I don't know who the fuck it is. Because there was like several doors. And it just made me want to slam the door. Don't press that button.

You know what's more annoying than someone's door slamming? Because someone's door slamming takes a second and you're done, right? What's more annoying is having a note and having that take up the next couple of minutes of your life as you're fucking getting angry about that person leaving a note like what they done put it like i want to put notes up saying don't put a fucking note on the door like slam your head in the country me and gene have started collecting them for two reasons one we want to see how many

and not just from our door it's not us getting complaints we're not being shitty neighbors but until i read the note this shitty neighbor i've slammed the door a couple of times since i've read that i will don that I mean we do want more notes but like we don't want to get kicked out so don't be a cunt

but the other reason we're taking them is just so that nobody else is getting the complaints like I'm doing a nice I'm

making sure nobody else is getting that random fucking anger because it's just such a look if you've got a problem

with the thing I love about our neighbours upstairs at home in Edinburgh is they've rarely complained they've rarely complained. They've had cause to thousands of times, but never have.

But whenever they have, it's been entirely... And they've come round and they've gone, look, we understand, but could you just understand from our perspective? And that's human. Yeah. That's human. And that's... And they've built a rapport with you so you can have that conversation. Yeah.

Like, if they'd just done that with a note, you would just have this quiet resentment for them? Like, because it's like an order. There's no discussion to it. Like, you're not allowing me to... You said slam door. Probably, we haven't been slamming the fucking doors. Like, whoever this is just assumes it's fucking us. And I'm like, can you tell us when it was

so I can tell you that it wasn't us? Or let's work out what your definition of slamming a fucking door is. Or at least give me the opportunity to say sorry, because otherwise I'm just going to have to fucking carpet bomb the hallway maybe that's what i'll do i'll just buy a packet like a hundred and just put sorry on every single door all the way down the fucking corridor um so uh garvey is back you know when we first bought the flat in ashington uh which he's moved back into now but when we first lived there he ended up getting this girl back who was noisy.

Is that one of your pet heads as well? Noisy girls that are like, overly noisy? No, dude, like noisy sex, like if there's a time and a place for noisy sex, I get fucked off if, if we're in a hotel,

I'm very conscious of noise anyway, right? I always have been. Like you'll see me at parties, I'm always the one being like, if you're going to talk, you need to come inside. It's three in the morning. Show some fucking,

I don't want to wake up the neighbours. Not because I don't want the morning. Show some fucking, I don't want to wake up the neighbours. Not because I don't want to get in trouble, but because I don't want to wake up the neighbours. That is a fucking rude thing to do. Everyone else is a human being and is deep in as complex as you are. Show some fucking levels of humanity. In a fucking hotel, right? If I take a girl back and she's screaming, I'm like, people are sleeping. You're being, first of all.

You don't need to scream. You're lying to my face. Yeah. Right? Look, I'm all right. I'll give you first of all you don't need to scream you're lying to my face yeah right look I'm alright I'll give you that it's a big old dick fine

I get it you like it alright show off it's like eating your food going mmm yummy yum yum yum delicious yum yum

yeah imagine just everyone in Starbucks just ahhh ooh that's good imagine just everyone in Starbucks just ah ooh oh that's good caffeine in my system oh that tickles my biscuit

it's just like noisy sex if you're like in a like see when Gene and Alice aren't in the house oh like

quiet like scream scream the fucking house down let's have fun we can do it look we'll have sex in their room they won't be able to find out unless they listen to this podcast hey look

it's about time somebody had sex in Jean's bed right and yeah noisy sex fuck

it's just rude but this is a level of rudeness it's an order you're leaving and... Now, Gav got a letter. That's where I was going with it. Gav got a letter off one of the neighbours

complaining about the noise of the sex, which was really candid. He was having sex until about three in the morning. It's quite embarrassing for me and for you. Gav just took this letter and was like, fucking framing it. Like what? As if my ego

isn't inflated enough oh yeah could you be less good in bed I'll work on it alright there's nothing was it from the book The Beach

there is nothing more lonely than the sound of other people having sex there's nothing more lonely than writing a note and putting it on someone's door there really isn't fucking revise that

oh just yeah so I fully agree with you that whoever that is passive aggressive notes get out of here and we're also we're almost go and leave yourself

a note in the corner saying don't be a muggle this one specifically applies to Melbourne people and it will apply to some other people in the world

but Melbourne you're the fucking worst for it muggles won't drink coffee from a place that's not their favourite coffee place. See this fucking city. They are so, so up their fucking ass about their coffee.

It's the most, they're like, oh no, don't go to that place. I don't even particularly like coffee. I'll drink it if I'm hungover and I need a, and I've got an interview, I need a little park on my step. People are like, don't go there, go this one, this one.

It's fucking coffee. I mean, you lead a sausage roll from a little park on my step people are don't go there go this one this it's fucking coffee I mean you take you you lead a sausage roll from a 7-eleven you don't give a fuck so yeah that

that is right I like um I got annoyed well he got annoyed at me um Pete Johansson yeah wanted me to

drive him to the nearest Starbucks which from Ashton was in fucking Newcastle like 14 mile away yet there's a

Costa next door to the flat and he wanted he specifically wanted a Starbucks and he started getting a little bit of a huff with us because I wouldn't take that one

I was like you wouldn't give me a lift to Newcastle for a McDonald's if we're next door to a Burger King just fucking have the coffee it's like you're allowed

to have a fucking favourite thing but this idea that everyone's got to have that thing and they're oh no everything else is

now that I've had the best beans from Rwanda I've had some probably not probably just from fucking this is the best

I've had so now it's my palate's used to I won't do that again imagine you had that for everything I've had a lot of great sex in my fucking life

but I don't stop having sex after that I'm not like oh well I've been there I mean I did I was like Mmm this one forever

Isn't that like a chag? The best Not best for you The best I ever did it I need to thank our uncle That's disgusting It's really bad It'll get worse when we get to your dad jokes I just it is that's disgusting it's really bad but I guess

it'll get worse when we get to your dad jokes I just it's a very Melbourne thing like even in Melbourne comics they go to Sydney and they're just like

oh the coffee here's so bad and I'm just like I'd never want to hang out with you again yeah you should try wearing it I tell you what you may not like the taste of that coffee,

but you'd look good in it. Look better on the floor. Let off some steam, Bennett. You look nice as a person, but you'd look a lot better on the floor being knocked the fuck out. So if you are one of those people, and I go,

it's fine to have a favourite thing. If you're a coffee connoisseur, I agree, you like something to a level that I won't understand. And maybe other things do taste bad. Maybe other coffees don't. But, shut the fuck up. You know as well, I might have mentioned this before,

I do get repetitive sometimes, is I don't really have a type of coffee. You know when someone will, you go to someone's house and they make you a cup of that, they know you're milking two sugars because you always have milk and two sugars. I make a decision on what sugar and milk content I'm going to have at that time. I don't let go, you always have milk and two sugars. I make a decision on what sugar and milk content I'm going to have at that time.

I don't let go. I'm a milk and two sugars guy. I'm like, I'll have a black coffee now. I'll have some milk in a day. I'll have sugar and no milk. If anyone's curious about mine, it's black coffee, two sugars. Is that what you have?

Is that you? Weirdly, weirdly, no cream. No cream for cream. No cream? Cream doesn't like you scream? No cream, two muggins, please. Both your balls and not because

I'm going to drink that I just want to see you in pain so if yeah you want a tea bag in your coffee what's your next one my next one is

hot dog legs by the pool what hot dog legs by the pool hot dog legs don't if you say the same sentence again hold on you've never heard of Hot dog legs by the pool. Hot dog legs. Don't,

if you say the same sentence again. Hold on, you've never heard of hot dog legs? No. Holy shit. Wait, you know the

photograph where someone's on holiday and they take a picture of the knees in the pool in the background and it just looks like two

hot dogs poking up? Oh, Eric Lampere straight in the corner, he's in Johannesburg and he posted up a photo yesterday.

But Eric Lampere, has he been ironic though? No, it was with a pint as well, he's like, oh comedy's greathouse he'd been ironic though no it was with a pint as well he's like oh comedy's great

and it was hot dog legs by the pool with a pint because you see them so much and I think it's like it's aimed for like when everybody else is at work on the rat race

and then you put your hot dog legs by the pool so Natalie doubled down on Muggle she didn't post it she did take the picture and it shows the Muglery but a picture of her

engagement ring by her hot dog legs by the pool and she just showed it and I went man if you post that on Facebook saying hashtag

boy did good hashtag I said yes you've just done fucking triple Muggle whammy you've got to get married in the corner that's triple down Muggle

isn't it at least we're her though it's more like Haggis legs that's because of the colour baby, not because of the size. No, you know what I mean. I've never... There's other ones like that. Any selfie by a fucking landmark.

Just tell people you were there. I performed at the Sydney Opera House last year. There's no photo of that. Just did it. I remember when you gigged out with David Hasselhoff. Eh? 2013, I came to the Sydney Opera House gig with you. Oh yeah, I wasn't on then.

Weren't you? No, no, we just went down to watch. I thought you weren't. No, no, we just went down to watch. Who was that I was laughing at? Still me. It might have been Hoff. Oh, it might have been.

That might have been David Hasselhoff. That's weird. There's one thing I do like about comedy, is you just meet some people you never in your life thought you'd ever meet. I've met David Hasselhoff. I've met Dave Benson Phillips. Yeah, from... Oh, the slime guy.

The slime guy. He done set list for me. Oh, aye. Yeah. Met him. It's fucking great. Oh, fucking love it. I got up to Gunjley and Withnail.

If you know what I mean with a high five so I have done the hot dog legs by the pool photo once but only because within 24 hours I went from being in Dubai

to being on the piste so I got a photograph of my legs by the pool and a photograph of my legs with a snowboard attached to them and it was within

a 24 hour period I thought that was pretty cool still pretty cool but you still a muggle right yeah you still do belong in the corner for 30 seconds from that one

I'm in for that but I get it I knew I was going in when I did it I knew I was supposed to muggle thing yeah and that's the thing sometimes I'll

yeah that's the thing about some muggle things you just seem like I know this is muggly but I'm enjoying it so fuck you yep it's a pint in the airport isn't it

here's another Milo one Milo McCabe our very good friend what's the opposite to a sceptic a moron yep that's him

a fucking moron a fucking yeah muggles believe in spirituality yes like I can't Milo didn't do anything

to inspire it but just because melbourne's quite a fucking hipster place dude i've heard the word chakra three times and i'm just it's the dullest thing it's like if you believe in spirituality what you are trying to do right is you were i don't believe any of you are not doing it to just seem interesting you're you're you're just seeing this thing that you have found interesting because you're a fucking idiot and you've applied it to yourself and because there's no answers to it oh you're never wrong are you you're too scared to have any conviction in any fucking opinion so you're just like yeah man i just you know there's just an energy no there's not there is not an

energy there's no any what the fuck are you talking about you hippie bag of shit wash your fucking dreads i don't know if you know this, but you have just marched me straight out of yoga meditation into the corner. I come here straight from yoga meditation. With yoga, some spirituality-based things have actual science in them. Wait till I tell you what they're doing.

Deep breathe. I don't know. Let me just make my point. Deep breathing, like moving your body in that way, stretching your muscles, that is good. It's got nothing to do with spirituality. It's got nothing to do with spirituality.

It's got nothing to do with connecting to the earth. But taking time for yourself. Yoga is a bit muggly. No, the yoga aspect of it was fucking great. I felt really good just doing the stretches. Some of it's on the verge of being too uncomfortable. But you just feel your body stretching itself out and getting itself

put back, like I really felt like I was knocking the rust off going to yoga however, they're not your oldest master by the way knocking the dust off half of it, not the second half but the last quarter of it was guided meditation where you just like find yourself

in a relaxing position and they were like put your hands up if you want to put energy into the world and put your hands down if you want to receive energy right you know it's just like proper hocus pocus and i'm trying i'm trying not to put up any resistance but i'm just like you know what let's just fucking go with it so um there's done this thing about like imagine there's roots around your feet and it's attaching it that's grounding you to the floor and then picture red in your hips and then the red spreading through your whole body and then you want to send out some love. Think of someone that you love

and send love their way. Is that why I got a little warmth down my spine earlier? That's why your lips started tingling. So then, fucking, my first thought was like, I'll send some love Natalie's way and I just thought,

I've just loved that all over Thailand. Loved that all over that resort. So I thought, I'll send some love to me mam. So I sent some, I'm trying to like

send some love out to me mam. So I'm just sat there with me fucking palms facing up because I'm going to put it out in the universe. I'm fucking sending love

towards me mam and then they go, right now think of someone that you can't see eye to eye with sometimes and you often fall out with I'll send some more love to me mam so I just meditate and send some love across the globe to me mam

it's all spirituality bullshit right but you know what's nice about that yoga and the meditation right is that the set

at the beginning is like this is your hour any anxieties you've got any troubles you've got any stress

you've got that's like this is your time off from that so at the minute like obviously I'm in a festival so I've got shows

to think about I'm busy writing a fringe show there's like a lot of fucking windows open on my desktop going in there just fucking shut it all down so even. I'm busy writing a fringe show. There's a lot of fucking windows open on my desktop. Going in there, just fucking shut it all down.

So even though I'm engaging in the sending love to the other side of the planet and stuff, even though I don't believe in any of that, it was a nice distraction. Yeah, but that's the thing. If it was pitched as that, a lot of the stuff out there, if yoga was just pitched as, and meditation was pitched as what it should be,

is it's time for yourself to relax and clear your thoughts, which is absolutely true and good. There is nothing wrong with meditation and yoga. But what is wrong with it is when you monetize it by fucking filling people's heads with fucking pseudo shit. Yeah, I don't believe any of that energy is going out into the universe. I think that energy is like, it's good for me. It's like it's an internal me it's like it's an

internal thing where I feel better that I sent out love that love isn't going to travel and reach someone it's just worse so you're agreed

yeah go if you're angry about that and you believe in spirituality why don't you go in the corner and send me some good vibes maybe you'll convince

me you fucking gullible muggle cunt yes what's your final one muggle's tut the tut muggle's tut. Yes. What's your final one? Muggle's tut. The tut?

Muggle's tut. I can't ever imagine a situation where I'd go... When people do, people tut. Oh, God. With the eye roll, too. Getting tutted at. Oh, being tutted at Is Awful Like it just It fills you with

Or at least fills me with A fucking lot of rage Someone's like Oh here we go Right I'm only worthy of What are you a fucking dolphin Stop clicking at me

You just click your tongue at me You're in noise with your face Because you disapprove You fucking muggle That's your whole argument is You're fucking stamping the foot in it slamming the door

slamming the door oh yeah I can't I taught ironically like in the sense that here we go oh

oh you wag a finger as well the pinky so you got a small dick you you wagging wagging one finger

and then wagging two fingers one finger looks like what you're doing second finger's like fancy bit of this oh yeah tutting eye rolling

that was an age quick one or no another one is the you know when you get if someone in public is stressing and you don't know them well enough to talk to them

and they don't know you well enough to talk to you they'll just go just do that exit like I don't care I don't care about your day in any way

just like if you're queuing and the queue's taking a while and maybe other people like this I hate it

I hate solidarity see if the queue's taking a while and they'll look to me solidarity see if the queue's taken a while and they'll look to me and be like ugh he's taken a while I'm like

I'm not your friend don't I now actually hate you more than him yeah four places then he'll be in front of the queue

then he'll be pissed off because now he's gone to the back of the queue like that's unfair fish is psycho everyone just keeps getting in front of him

that's why he's doing it it's a self-fulfilling prophecy right so let's go through those words yep I could be like, that's unfair. Fish is psycho. Everyone just keeps getting in front of him. That's why he's doing it. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. Right. So let's go through those words. Yep. So if you play any games for the achievement points, go achieve yourself a couple of points,

you get 15 muggle points and 30 seconds in the corner. If you don't drink coffee from a place that isn't your favourite place to coffee, or you complain about coffee being bad when it's a thing going on in your system. Pete Johansson get the corner. Pete Johansson get the corner. The fact that it's Starbucks as well that he wanted to go to. It's one of the good ones. They don't pay tax.

If he was like, I don't want to go to Starbucks, drive me to somewhere further away because I'm against them not paying tax, he might have had a bit of an argument there. Polar opposite. Go stand in the corner. My girls believe in spirituality. Any form of it. I know we only touched on it.

And in the future I realistically will bring up other spirituality based things that muggles believe in. But go fucking meditate in the corner for 30 seconds. Release your chakra out of your ass you dumbass. If you send post photos of hot dog legs by the pool. Leave past aggressive notes or tut or sigh or any of that shit, go and do it in the corner where you belong, muggle cunt. And now on to our favourite game, your dad jokes, where each week me and Kai rinse each other's dads. And then we tell jokes about them. In the sponge bath.

Your dad didn't choose the mug life, the mug life chose him. Fucking mug. Your dad turns the ignition off in the car and dips the clutch so he can freewheel downhills and save petrol. Your dad's favourite sex position is the walls of Jericho.

It's your mum doing it to him. He's always doing the walls of Jericho on me sister. Not like that. Your dad got all his mates around and filled the fridge with beers to watch the pilot of Adventures of Daniel.

And now his friends don't return his calls. Fair enough. Oh hey, didn't you find out that your mum of Daniel and now his friends don't return his calls fair enough oh hey didn't you find out that your mam off Adventures of Daniel was the woman

who neglected her baby in Trainspotting 1 yeah because I'd never it plays Alison Alison's the name of the character

I hadn't watched Trainspotting I know I hadn't watched Trainspotting and eh what you haven't you haven't watched

Trainspotting oh my god mate seriously you haven't watched Trainspotting what you you haven't you haven't watched Trainspotting oh my god mate be Scottish seriously you haven't watched Trainspotting what you haven't seen The Godfather

oh muggles hadn't seen it so watched it the other day and I was texting my mum about it and she's like you know the Alice the one

who has the baby at the time she's a neglect I was like yeah she goes she played your mum in the film she's like hang on

I'm like ah wonder how she got the role your dad your dad says a moment on the lips forever on the hips which is why

he's always giving your sister a piggyback ride she's sick as fuck she's just been in the walls

of Jericho off me moment on the lips is a nice time people slyly take photos of your dad in public walls of Jericho off me. Moment on the lips is a nice time. Anyway, man. People slyly take photos of your dad in public and text their mates saying, look at this cunt.

They weren't called fanny packs until your dad started wearing them. Your dad once left his boyfriend's house. I'm not finished. Your dad once left his boyfriend's house and was wondering why he was getting funny looks from people, but then he realised

he'd forgotten to take his saddle off. Your dad drinks porridge out of a hip flask. I've got a similar one I'm going to skip to I'm going to skip to this Your dad keeps a hip flask full of cup All for his tickly cup Your dad is still chasing a ball I pretended to throw from years ago

Chasing a ball I pretended to throw I've still got it Sniffing around looking for it. Your dad puts his lips against the windows in the restaurants

and blows in an attempt to make diners laugh. Your dad rewinds his CDs by putting a pen in the middle of them and spinning them backwards. When your dad blew

the candles out on his cake he wished he could have a slice of cake and now he thinks he's got superpowers. Your dad got his dick pierced, but with spacers. Is that them big fingers in here? Yes. That I couldn't get, because I don't have any lobes.

Your dad hid under the dining table, trembling on fireworks night Your dad wants his autobiography to be called Racing the ghetto wearing stilettos while eating carnettos That's Kevin in a nutshell Your dad squints at Chinese people Your dad referees cockfights I've got one more Your dad squints at Chinese people Your dad referees cockfights Is that it Dan?

I've got one more Your dad drinks protein shakes after mini golf I've got another one Actually I've got another one Your dad keeps pissing people off on the tube By trying to pop their spots We've had a busy week the pair of them Right so we are in Melbourne This was a bonus episode guys we've had a busy week the pair of them

right so we are in Melbourne this was a bonus episode guys yeah this was sort of an apology episode because I know I was useless while we were

away so we thought we'd stick this out there and then on Monday we will go back to our we're going to get guests yeah Monday I think

we're going to get Katie Marks and then Thursday we'll probably probably get Nick Cody on and then we'll eventually get Stanley back on and we're thinking about get Katie Marks And then Thursday we'll probably Probably get Nick Cody on Yeah And then we'll eventually get Stanley back on And we're thinking about Making episode 50 a live one

So by the end of the Yeah We'll announce a date If anyone's in Melbourne They can just come along And fucking watch us Chat some shit You can also come see us

Live in Melbourne I am on Every day Apart from Mondays At Taxi Riverside is down by Federation Square It's at 7pm every day except for Sundays

Where it's on at 6pm So please do book in advance I'm also after this, I'm off to Auckland If you've got any New Zealand listeners out there And my show is being recorded For a special at the Endmore In Sydney So buy tickets to that

Please use Sydney Cunts Yes and all of my gigs in Melbourne are up for sale on my website, www.kaihunfries.com, and it's going to be 7 o'clock at the Sub Club, which is by Flinders Street, and if you can't be asked to leave the house, you can just click download

and get the MP4 version of the show. Yep. Thank you for listening to the podcast. Please do spread the words more. We love the fact that we have a very loyal fan base that is slowly growing blows my mind

again every time I meet someone who had someone in last night who loved the podcast great isn't it yeah thanks for the feedback we've

got loads of twitter and facebook action if you guys could do us the honour it'll take you like a minute just go on

iTunes give us a good rating give us a plug because that bumps it up the rankings and like all the facebook stuff's real nice and everything yeah but you can actually do the podcast a favor by getting more view more listeners yeah by just going on if it goes up in the charts we get more listeners and the more listeners we get therefore uh we can do sort of well more podcasts and then hopefully well you can monetize it after a while and start paying

guests and shit like that oh yeah and also getting better equipment because i understand sometimes this does not always have the best sound quality. Apart from that, thank you very much. Thanks for your continued support. Yes, we love you very much. Speak to you Monday, cunts. Love y'all.