Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.20 Sixty-Nine

Episode Date: May 19, 2021

Niiiiiice. 

It is Monday and we are back with a fresh new podcast for you. Daniel is back from Australia but we still did this over Zoom because he is in quarantine. And you know, law says that he's not allowed to give me the lurgy and kill everyone who I know and love. So we had to do one last Zoom session and still, without the excuse of Australian Wi-Fi, still managed to fuck it up. His audio cut out twice and I had to edit all that back together, and also his levels are just all over the place. Honestly, I cannot wait until the next podcast when we're face-to-face,

and I can just control all the fucking editing stuff because I leveled away your Patreon subscribers. You bought me a well-earned pint with your subscription this time because it took me three hours to put this together, and I think it came out out alright, you know, because we had some nice conversations. We talked about comedy which is always fun. We talked

about men who don't like the 69. Can you believe those people exist? And we also had a bit of a row over who has the nicest arse. It's still undecided so we'll appreciate your input. Go listen to this podcast. We'll be back together in person on the next one. In fact, it's going to be Sloss and Humphreys

on the road from the next one onwards because we're two erstarts again hopefully if this Indian variant doesn't lock down some more yeah look we can only hope I'll see you on Thursday for a bonus episode we don't know what that's going to be yet but it's going to be fun it always is

and enjoy the shit out of this one thank you That's going to be it, but it's going to be fun. It always is. And enjoy the shit out of this one. Thank you. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh.

Woo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rip job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss.

Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it upidental rent job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Welcome to Sloss and Humphreys on the road with me, the mighty Muggins, the man with an arse faster than Usain Bolt's fibre optic broadband. And opposite me in the muggle corner, the wet slag with the jet lag, the noob with the moobs Daniel the swollen stone

gathering moss sloss swollen stone? gathering moss? I kind of call you a rolling stone can I? I was going to do

the rolling stone gathering moss it would compliment you I figure I am I'm a roller I'm rock and roll I'm on my tour of the world I'm not going to introduce you as that am I'm rock and roll I'm on my tour of the world

I'm not going to introduce you as that am I well I mean other people on other podcasts do admittedly I'm guest on those

podcasts and they're trying to keep me happy so you want a big intro next time no it's it's fine just as long as

it's acknowledged then I am as I might say I want to be acknowledged as a comedian rockstar but that's Kevin Hart's hashtag and I don't know if you've seen it but his whole thing is comedian rockstar shit

and you know what, well done Kevin. He's the biggest comedian in the world. He's in a lot of movies that I really, really enjoy. Hasn't been a stand-up for a couple of years though has he and he's a pure grade A muggle

his his twitter handle is it not kevinhart4real yeah and he posts like just like really picking everyone up you know those

business muggles like every day is your fucking opportunity you gotta fucking seize it every second you take from the day is a second you steal from God you're like fucking hug your wife man just like watch some Netflix get a fucking hobby. Kunta walk in three foot

motivational quote I remember I had Kai4Real2002 as my hotmail. Which people can send stuff to that. I won't get it. It's still alive. I won't get it. It'll end up in junk because it's hotmail.

But Kai4Real2002. And I remember I had some login and Adam Rowe asked us for my login and it was connected still to my Hotmail account. And I sent Adam Rowe the Kai for real 2002 and he just spammed us with emojis for the for real. And I was like, I was embarrassed by it. I was like, aye, aye, I had for real in 2002. And then I saw Kevin Hart was rocking in 2021.

Kevin Hart for real 2021. I'm like, I'm embarrassed by 21 year old me. He's actually to have for real. I'm embarrassed by 21 year old me's action to have for real I'm for real me I'm the truth you get reality with me if you don't like reality you don't step on my territory have you watched his documentary on Netflix

the six part series you know what I haven't watched anything with him in I'm aware of his existence. Oh, hold on, hold on. I have. I've watched Jumanji, the latest Jumanji films, and he's classing it. Yeah, he is.

He's a very, very funny man. Real good comedic actor, and also was exceptional at stand-up, and that's how he got to where he is. But as with everyone who reaches a certain level of

success in comedy there comes the great plateauing and the plateauing is never the fault of the comedian I'd say, or normally it's not the fault of the comedian, it's the fact that you are never able to perform to neutral audiences again, you're never able to try and win a fucking crowd over

because they just laugh at most things that you fucking say. I mean, it's one of the big problems that Lee Evans has whenever he's trying out new material. He's desperately trying to find venues where people won't book tickets just to see him. He wants to find a neutral audience because those are the hardest ones. But you can't.

You're not there. Kevin Hart's in that same sort of position now where he just he cannot find audiences to practice material and it means that his material has gone over the past because he's getting audiences

blowing smoke up his arse because he doesn't know if it's good or not and it's not it's fine like man again not to despise when I'm criticising

Kevin Hart here it's criticising with the knowledge in it that he is fucking Kevin Hart I'm not trying to bring a man down off of his pedestal I'm criticising Kevin Hart here it's criticising with the knowledge in it that he is fucking Kevin Hart I'm not trying to bring a man down off of his pedestal I'm talking purely as a comedy fan at this level, this is what happens

when people get successful and good, they begin to suck because they don't have a chance I saw Lee Evans do a new material at Nottingham Glee and he had a pile for his, he had all of his papers on stage with all his notes on and he had a pile for stuff that worked and he was going to keep working on and a pile for the bin.

You know how you would sometimes tell an audience whether you put a tick or a cross on your notes? Aye. He had put a visual thing of the piles of where he puts the paper. And he'd just done this routine that I was at the back of the room as a comic guy

and that's not that funny really. If I wrote that, dude, I wouldn't be fucking... I wouldn't be happy with it. But the crowd was so loving it because he was seeing it yeah because he could have he could

have said anything at that point and he was he was like smart enough to see through it and he just went don't patronize me not in them and he and he put he put it

in the fail of it they laughed because they realized they were laughing at something that was shit so it would be hard to find the gold if that's what you're getting all the time.

Yeah, because people say, yeah, it's you, and they're just so excited to see you and the first half an hour of your comedy is free because they wouldn't listen to anything that came out of your fucking mouth at that point. And also, even though American audiences are,

I will always argue, like the most comedy savvy audiences in the world just because they've had stand-up there. Longest, there's a stand-up club in every fucking town pretty much modern stand-up as we consider it was created and perfected in America

and the audiences there are great it is also, and I mean this sincerely, the dumbest audience in the world the dumbest and that's not always a bad thing they will laugh at fucking anything. But I remember the first time going over to Do America and doing the comedy clubs there.

And just going, oh, me and my friends are better than 95% of this bill. And this doesn't happen in the UK. Because in the UK, if you suck, the audience won't give you the first three minutes. In the UK, you have to make that audience laugh within two minutes otherwise it's you it doesn't matter how funny you are for the next 18 you're fucking done it's dead kaput it's over for you in America you have seven minutes seven minutes where you could just say whatever you want talk about your fucking day I was walking down the road today and I saw this guy in a store and he came up to me and he said would you like to buy some melons and I was like oh the road today and I saw this guy in a store. And he came up to me and he said,

would you like to buy some melons? And I was like, oh my God, who wants to buy melons? You can do that for seven fucking minutes and then American audience will still go, this is going to go somewhere. Yeah. He wouldn't be telling us this for no reason. But he does.

Because I saw it myself. Because before I come on the two hour with you, I would come out in New York and I'd done a solo show. And while I was there, I'd done a couple of open mics and some of the comedians that I watched, they just literally went nowhere. Me and that around, I don't know if they were like hoping to find a punchline while they were talking off.

That was the written rehearsed bit. That's how it was meant to be. But like people were trying to laugh and people were trying to like find where the laughter was. And the crowd was so eager to join in that I was like oh shit like i've got a bunch of punchlines in my set like this is gonna fucking blow their mind when i get up oh and it did because because you fucking make the effort to put punchlines in otherwise you won't have a career well it's because i think a lot of the open spots out in america and the problem is it's because there's

again such a fucking stand-up culture out there people that grew up watching grew up loving it and again it is the capital of comedy throughout the fucking world

you've got people who watch comedians who watch comedy but do not understand it and this happens a lot with new bigger comedians

they'll watch Louis CK Bill Barr Dave Chappelle whoever it is that is their favourite right and they will see this comedian on stage just being dead casual, dead laid back, dead calm and it's almost

conversational, which is the great lie of stand-up. That you make it look easy. Yes, the great lie of stand-up is this is the first time I've said this. Suspended disbelief. I'm coming on stage and this is just off the cuff and here I am, I'm acting it on. Here's another thing that slightly perturbed me. And also,

this is annoying me. Now I'm going to rant at this. We've worked on this script for a fucking year. And then when you're talking and something you say makes you go off on a tangent, as if that tangent

has just come to you because you've interrupted yourself. And actually, that's a written-in tangent that you know exactly how to get back where you interrupted yourself. It actually, that's a written in tangent that you know exactly how to get back where you are. It was a tangent at one point

90 fucking shows ago and then it killed and then it became a structural part of the picture. Danny, I'm just going to interrupt and I'm doing this

on behalf of everyone listening. Can you change your seat? Have you got a different chair? Oh, why? I'm picking up a lot of squeaks over the Zoom so like,

your audacity's probably going to pick up a bit more. O, pam? Rwy'n cymryd llawer o sgwysau dros y zoom felly mae'n debyg bod y Dastri yn cael ei gymryd ychydig mwy. O, mae'n debyg. A yna, yn onest, roeddwn i eisiau rhywfaint o hwyl yno. Roeddwn i'n ei ddynnu, ac i'w gweld ei fod yn iawn. A, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, So we'll cut off there because when Daniel was getting a new chair he stopped recording and we kept on talking for a good five minutes

before we realised Basically I started whispering in my own ear like little things I was getting feedback of my own voice because obviously I was getting no feedback of your voice because I'm only recording my end and I was just very very confused as to why occasionally my voice was

just coming and going aye aye squeaky chair aye Did it start playing back to you? Yes aye that's what was confusing me because I just kept getting my own fucking voice it was like some weird

sense of narcissism. I'm like, oh my God, my inner voice is me. So not only did you stop at recording, but you played back the playback and you just continued having a conversation with me over Zoom and yourself. Which again, I've always wanted to do a podcast, which is just me and me talking to each other.

Get it done, bonus episode. So Cliff Lewis about Dave yes Dave Chappelle people are watching Dave Chappelle the amount of the amount of open sports

and again this is also why you get offensive comedians people that watch Jim Jefferies and don't understand what the comedy is

they go oh I'll just do I'll just do jokes about paedophilia and rape where they're the punchline because that's what Jim Jefferies did

and that's got and you go no no again you've fully misunderstood the thing. You're still on the side of the audience, and you're not a real comedian yet, because you do not understand the art form. You get these comics who watch Dave Chappelle,

who, by the way, does have the right... I mean, he's been one of the greatest writers for the past 30 fucking years. He's travelled... He's done it, like he is. They're essentially... These comics that you're talking about, who watch an edgy comic and think you just need to go on and talk about rape, 30 fucking years he's travelling he's done it like he is they're essentially these comics that you're talking about who watch an edgy comic

and think you just need to go on and talk about rape you watch Dave Chappelle just meandering through thoughts and you think you can just go on and start talking they're essentially

the big fat football fan who's shouting at the young athlete saying I could've got that I could've scored that and then go but oh no no but not only that

at least that fat cunt doesn't get on the pitch and then play football at least when he does he gets his fucking ass kicked and he's like alright fair enough at least he doesn't change his Facebook status to fucking Joe Bloggs comedian Joe Bloggs footballer I've started my own

footballing podcast and we're going to talk about me being a professional footballer when I get other professionals and you're listening to the podcast and you're like none of these kinds of professional footballers how dare you host a professional football podcast I haven't even seen you on the pitch that's why I let them have it.

When people say that they're a comedian, when people just do a couple of open mics and go, I'm a comedian now, instead of me being protective over my art and going, well, that's not a comedian. You've got to be at least professional. You've got to at least make a certain amount of money from it and do a certain amount of gigs. Instead of me getting pissy like that, I just go,

ooh, what a class ethic. I am also a professional swimmer. I'm a professional chef. I am also a professional swimmer. I'm a professional chef. I am now a professional wanker. Well, that's the thing. That's the great line from the book I killed, where Jerry Seinfeld does this opening foreword, and he goes, the four coolest jobs in the world

are professional surfer, professional race car driver, rock star, and comedian. But comedian is the only job in the world where you can just say, I am a comedian and then it's true. Because there it is. There's nothing else to, you know, it's because when I was 16, I was like,

I'm a comedian. I'm 17, I'm a comedian. I've done gigs. I'm a comedian. I was subcamped to an open spot. Makes you feel good though. I'm trying to think of how early I said I'm a comedian. I was sub-cam to an open spot. Makes you feel good, though. I'm trying to think of how early I said I was a comedian. I think I had some decorum with it. I said I'm doing comedy. I do stand-up.

When did I start identifying as a comedian? It's got to be when you start playing clubs. Yeah, I think it's what? I remember I started telling myself... You've got to be on a professional bill as a professional. Even if you didn't have enough professional gigs yourself to make money, if you're on a professional gig with professionals...

Then you're... At least for that weekend you're a comedian. My first paid tenner from one of the stands best of Glasgow Comedy Festival 2018 it's 2008

sorry it's 20 quid first paid gig and ex-bankrupt after your seventh tour anyway I trust Marlene

implicitly I'm sure I'll see the money one day for 2008 anyway I trust Marlena implicitly I'm sure I'll see the money one day is it 2008? 2008 I've still got that tenner framed I mean it's up in months

but it's you know what's funny about that now it's an old money because they've got it probably still

spends but you know they've got all the waterproof ones now and have done for the last five years it's a paper tenner fucking hell worth its weight got all the probably still spends but you know they've got all the waterproof ones now and have done for the last five years it's a paper

tenner fucking hell worth its weight in paper probably it's probably not even worth I reckon you'd

struggle to fucking do you know I didn't even like because when I was saying like me for me stand-up

was a hobby and I put like I would work like three jobs I'd have me I'd have me-up was a hobby. I would work three jobs. I'd have my job as a lifeguard. I'd do swimming teaching on the side. Moonlighting as a swimming teacher. But never call it fiddle work if you're teaching children how to swim. I'm just doing a bit of fiddle.

Why would you call it fiddle work? Because fiddle work is money on the side, apart from your main job. Do you not call that fiddle? No! Do you not call it fiddle work's like money on the side, apart from your main job. Do you not call that fiddle? No! Do you not call it fiddle work? No. Undeclared money? Well, having never done an honest day's labour in my life,

I don't know what I would call it. I don't know what my people call it. Oh, wow. So that would just be a single entendre to you if I said I was doing fiddle work with kids. Yes, yeah. Like your joke there being like, never I said I was doing fiddle work with kids. Yes, yeah. Like your joke there being like, never call teaching

kids to swim fiddle work. And I'm like, yeah, obviously. Why would it ever fucking be called that? Would that be a big gimmick? You call it fiddle work. This is like the fucking fart poop thing all over again. Oh, surely not.

Surely not. This can't be. Nobody calls it fiddle work apart from fucking Jordan. Mate, I'm Googling it now. I'm Googling it now. I'm just writing fiddle work and I'm going to get arrested. Fiddle work meaning. How do you get away with it?

Meaning. Fiddle work meaning. What does it mean? Oh, no. Fucking, that doesn't sound confident Dishonest Dishonest behaviour You came forward

With something dishonest That does something In order to get money Or advantage A tax fiddle It is It's there It's there

Fucking thank god man Because I've been saying that a lot Because it just Is a recap of the poop thing where I'm from poop means fart but everywhere else it means shit the street it's not like you're going to any other new castle

it's like the whole of it's all applied it's not the northeast it's the NE24 postcode yeah and they were like poop means fart and fart means fart and I was like there's like, poop means fart, and fart means fart. And I was like, there's no way that is true. Because obviously fart means fart.

And poop means to poop, as in to shit. And we had, I mean, this is early days podcast. Like, I think, like, under episode 10. Yeah. Maybe. It was early doors, wasn't it? Maybe you can read that. Although I did.

It might have just been done online actually I did do I did do it as stand up though so it might be more recent to some people because I did it as stand up where I recapped all the conversations

I'd had when I'm like oh my brother used to pin me down and poop in my face and like my girlfriend now she poops in bed she got comfortable my girlfriend

she's my wife now I don't know whose joke it is but the person that says when you say poop it's the your lips make the same shape that your butthole

do when you poop ah nice try it poop you've got a prolapse Danis because I've just

we're on zoom I've just seen your rubber lips do the poop noise. Yeah, it probably spits it out. Speaking of prolapse, Danis, I got a DM of a chemist offering a discreet service for delivery of Anisol. Oh, and you were like,

fuck your discretion, I'll mention it on the podcast. No, no, no, get this. A chemist to you said discreet delivery, right? And you were like, fuck your discretion, I'll mention it on the podcast. No, no, no, get this. Chemists2U said discreet delivery, right? And I was like, oh, this is nice. And they were like, don't be a muggle, which means they listen to the podcast. And then you use Anjusol because of the podcast. So they were offering a discreet delivery service.

So hello there, Chemists2U, if you're listening. I know you are. Yeah, and thanks for your discreet service. We cannot recommend it enough. It's very subtle, under the table fiddle work some would call it so Daniel I was like well I've got mountains of anisole at the moment because I kept sending Natalie into the shop

because that was funny because you've got to ask for anise oil and I was like it's worked so I don't really need some but I'm going to follow this account so that I can tap them up

if I ever start bleeding from the bum hole again which is likely in the 13 years I've known you it happened

more often than you think and then the screen cap to follow and then like put it on the story and all that like oh can I buy butthole cream

didn't they they didn't say I buy butthole cream did they they didn't say I use butthole cream but everybody that's why I follow a chemist I don't have a history here

for you Daniel so they they offered me a discreet service then lit me up like a Christmas tree anyway we'd also like to thank Daniel Sloss for joining us as well

for his erectional dysfunction pills. What? No, that's not. That's not. I'm not. No, come on. You schemists to you. We'll send a singing telegram with your Vajacil. You've got a stinky cunt.

Try Vajacil, it's worth a punt. Just on your doorstep, mortified woman. you've got a stinky cunt try vagisil it's worth a punt just on your doorstep mortified woman the beast with the yeast so anyway I did feel awake have you seen that

episode of South Park where it's Cartman becomes the NASCAR racer he wants to be a NASCAR racer but he's too intelligent and rich

so he has to spend all of his money eating Vagisil because that's what stupid people do and then he'd be dumb and poor enough to be part of NASCAR I'll remember that one, he's dumb as hell gay as hell and then there's the guy that Vagisil sponsors the car

and just the entire bit is just guy that Vagisil sponsors the car. And just the entire bit is just when everybody starts talking about Vagisil. It's a great product that you should apply every day, Rebecca. Every day. And it's just wife's day. So it's just a great product. You can take it in the morning. Every morning, Rebecca. Every morning.

So I've got a personal chemist. Oh, I wanted to ask you as well. I think Natalie thinks I'm more retarded than I am. More likely you think you're smarter than you are, but continue. I think I've got really bad PR on how...

Right, so, you know how I make these belter breakfasts? I stopped putting them on Instagram, but I still make them. Everybody needs to know that I still make belter breakfasts. I've just stopped sharing it with the world, right? I've made these, like, cheesy French toast crumpets, right? Where you make, like, a parmesan and egg mixture, put the crumpets in it, fry it in a pan, serve it up with a couple of rashers of bacon.

Bob's your uncle, right? Bish, bash, bosh. Serve it up, I'm eating it. And you know how sometimes I'll throw in something that's ridiculous just to make people look up and go, what? And then realise I've said something ridiculous. In the middle of eating breakfast, I went, I'm going to have to clean the toaster. The toaster's minging after making these.

Clearly, I'm not going to put fucking eggy French to clean the toaster. The toaster's minging after making these. Clearly, I'm not going to put fucking eggy French toast in the toaster. But Natalie reacted like I had done that. And I was like, I was just waiting for it. I look up and then go, obviously, it's a joke. And I was like, well, obviously, it's a joke. It's just like, not obviously, it's a joke.

That is something you're wholly capable of doing. I agree with that. It's food-based, man. Like, in other, like, technical things, sure, maybe. But even though you are becoming a better cook, you're not. But your voicemail cat, voicemail mode cat, right? This is a fucking live response.

Would Kai or would Kai not be, like, would he not be capable of putting eggy french toast crumpets in the toaster with all the egg mixture dripping into the toaster would he or would he not do that and she was like oh my god he hasn't has he oh fucking hell as if that was just code

for I have done it I've really got really bad PR here because I get it I get it right I've done some things I'll set away the coffee machine and I haven't put the coffee cup on any foot and I'll run to the cup and I'll get a cup and I'll put it under.

I do things like that. But where I am in their head is... Do you remember the time when me and Cara living together with you in Melbourne, I consistently, four days in a row, went, watch how I put this microwavable meal in and then watch him sit down for 45 minutes and not realize

just within a second, 5 minute microwavable meal, sticks his headphones on goes back to bed but does the thing, 4 days in a row, I'm like every single day he's gonna fucking risk this, 4 days in a row Right okay, so what I'm guilty of here is absent mindedness, I'll start focusing on a different project

right, I'll have something on me, like Natalie says, I'll have my audio book on, I'll start focusing on a different project, right? I'll have something on me. Like Natalie says, I'll have my audio book on. I'll start unloading a full dishwasher because I think it's empty. And I'll start putting grubby dishes back in. Absent-mindedness, right, is the key denominator to all of these things, right? But now, just because I've done a couple of absent-minded things, like, you think I'm capable of mindful, like, mindful stupidity? Like, choosing to put an eggy, not just like for a forget-about-it or a habit, like, I am choosing to dip eggy

crumpets and then put it into a machine? Hold on, Kai, I don't think you're an idiot. I assumed you would have at least put the toaster on its side. Like, I don't think you're dumb enough to, like, talk down end, because, like, you'll see the dripping and you're afraid of it. That's not good. I reckon you're like, I put it on its side

this way, it's only way easier to clean. This one drips on this one extra flavour on this one mine by the way absolutely yeah yeah

and that yeah like I wouldn't be able to do that and even then now you're making a caricature of me right

it's like that's what's happened you know how Joey in season 1 and 2 he's ditzy but then by season 7 he's like he's got additional needs

and he should be taken care of. Right? I'm season one Joey in real life with the things that I do. But I've been caricatured. I've been Blackpool promenade caricatured, drawn in people's psyche that they really think I'm capable of the most ridiculous things now.

Just a quick question. Who painted that caricature picture in their heads? Hmm? Who's the artist? Yeah, like who? You sit there, you pick up some impressions or something. It's like what we said. It doesn't matter who you are on the

inside. Fuck this idea. As long as you're a good person on the inside, that's all that counts. Absolutely run-of-the-mill fucking horse shit. Who you are on the outside matters. That's your reputation. That's who you are and that's who you're a good person on the inside, that's all that counts. Absolutely run-of-the-mill fucking horse shit. Who you are on the outside matters. That's your reputation. That's who you are, and that's who you're good. You can be the nicest person in your fucking head,

but if everyone around you thinks you're a cunt, congratulations, you are a cunt, and history will remember you as a fucking cunt. You can lie to yourself and have your own fucking dictatorship in your head. We're like, I'm a great guy. I do all these great things. I'm a really nice person.

And if everyone thinks you're a piece of shit, that's the truth of the matter. I don't care what inner peace you've got. your own fucking dictatorship in your head and be like, I'm a great guy, I do all these great things, I'm a really nice person. And if everyone thinks you're a piece of shit, that's the truth of the matter. I don't care what inner peace you've got, you've got outer conflict where you're wrong. I've never thought about the importance of image until that moment where I was like, eh, shit, I need an image check here. I need an image check here.

Like, if that's who I am in her head, like, who did she marry? But that's just that's your in sickness she's just like alright he nearly killed himself with the toaster again like we've got extra toaster insurance on the house

because you know I've really pushed out of the limits on the vow what is know I really really pushed out of the limits on the vow in what is it in Rich Richarapura

for Richarapura I really pushed on that one now I'm going to really test on the sickness and health one yeah yeah

and then you're like one day I'll do it the other way around baby don't worry anyway I met good crumpets

next time you run oh one I'm going back into my fucking what I'm going through now that I'm back home for extended periods of time I mean I know we're on tour

but like I can still we can because we have been healthy on the road before now just getting back into eating decent-ish giving up weed for a bit Just taking care of yourself which I was going to mention because you're giving up weed

this is episode 420 we've totally failed ourselves Aye This is episode 420 we're kind of getting high because I'm not with you I could get high I'd be on my own

Aye But you're in quarantine now so I couldn't come visit Aye but I'll be done I'll break it I'll never be off weight I know that about myself

and if I do ever come off weight it'll be a fucking thing where I'm like fully off drugs forever and I'm suddenly clean and not go through a fucking Nicode thing and then I do a show about how strong I am for giving up marijuana etc etc for the now I'm just like once a week just do it once a week. Just do it once a week. Treat yourself. Have it as an ethical

fucking treat. So we could do the 420 episode this week. Like, next Sunday, I'll just come through to yours. Ooh, you know what? This could work. We could use a crowbar and make this work, because you know, on one of the episodes, it was you and Bart, because just with timings and everything,

you had to get to the airport. So we've done like episode 4.14, but really a bonus. So this one's technically 4.19. So next episode is 4.21, but really 4.20. Have you got green green as well? I've got green green.

Aye, that's the better way of the better way I've got a bit left so should we have should we have a spliff next Sunday record the podcast and then people can have like a legit 420 episode before we get high

aye and I'll just I'll tell Cara that she's driving us through the years and then her and that we'll fucking frig each other in another room

yeah we should we should get them to do like a 15 minute podcast to go we were just talking about how much they fucking hate us aye nay more than 15 minutes I think if they get past and in another room. Yeah, we should get them to do like a 15-minute podcast to go, eh? She's talking about how much they fucking hate us. Nay more than 15 minutes,

I think, if they get past small talk, we're fucked. Oh, it was better to listen to Jean, by the way. She's such a natural. Aye.

Aye, Jean. Like, aye, I thought she'd come across great. Like, you wouldn't think that she wasn't a public speaker and that she didn't work on podcasts and stuff because I thought she was probably natural and I text

her soon so and then that video that I put on the Patreon is fucking incredible somebody put on the comments as well she did know you just need to send an audio so she literally went beyond the call of duty

to do it I've also got another video so she literally went beyond the call of duty to date I've also got another video of Jean that I'm going to ask her permission to put on the Patreon because you know in my wedding video there's a there's a vox pop thing where there was

like a camera booth in the evening and people would go in drunk and that's the whole reason Natalie's mum and dad haven't seen the video yet, because I haven't edited out yours where you're offering to eat Natalie's asshole. You're like straight-faced, drunk as fuck,

shit tail hanging out. Just going, I'm going to eat that asshole, Natalie. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Have you even seen it back? No, I don't think I've heard the description enough times that I don't think I want or need to see it I know why my drunken head

did it and I know it was bad but I don't want to see I don't want to picture that I totally protect Natalie's parents from who we really are. I was hanging out with them this weekend because Kat and Woodsy were over and we went round to Natalie's mum and dad's for just a hangout and that. We were playing party games and everything, this mafia party game.

And I'm like, I'm the most wholesome fuck when I'm round them too, man. He would laugh your head off if you could look through a crystal ball and see me just hanging around with Natalie's parents just can't who even is this hello Mrs Lang

it's me it's wonderful thank you for inviting me into your beautiful abode I'd love I'd love to see I'd love you to see me I'm a fucking charmer

but you wouldn't recognise it like I'd like you to see me around Cara's parents just like oh okay so there's no illusion I was never given the chance to

they've met me twice Kai yeah do you not reinvent the wheel I've become a changed man I've not but God bless our dad's man and our dad's like such a sweet sweet bloke

there was one time just after I proposed to her it might have been before actually it might have been just around Christmas So just sweet, sweet bloke. There was one time just after I proposed to her. It might have been before actually. It might have been just around Christmas. We were just having a couple of whiskies together. And he was just like, look, I can see how happy you make each other. And I just want to apologise because when Cara first told us about when, you know, when all things kicked off originally,

that, you know, I told her that she was making a mistake, that you were just like a selfish young idiot just like a boy's agenda, like just had a girl in every porn, you were just going around to sleep with as many people and now you were just a fucking party animal, just idiot reprobate and I can see that's not

who you are and I was like, Dave, that is spot on, like that is 100% apology not needed, whatever you said are words that left my mouth not who you are. And I was like, Dave, that is spot on. That is 100%. Apology not needed. Everything you said are words that left my mouth with gusto describing myself. You got it right first time. I was just

at this point, I've done that and I've gone... That other devil you know. Aye, aye. I've not changed. I've just scratched that itch and it's now gone I've scratched that itch and I love this bitch

what more do you want David but I'll give that I was going to step over it I was just going to step over your joke mate

but I'll acknowledge it retrospectively and now do you want fucking kudos for acknowledging it no no I'll just tell you

I was just trying to work out if we'd left anything untied and it was it was the it was the Jean Vox Pop is her there's like a I think there was like

a thumbprint firework thing where everybody done a thumbprint like one of my friends put on this like kind of like part of the guest book was that you put your

thumbprint on this tree or it's fireworks or a tree, I can't remember what it was, right? And Jean had drew cocks all over it. She was basically just drunkenly confessing, that was me. I drew all the cocks. I had this lovely guest book

and now it's just full of cocks. But when I watched the video there's probably probably reminders of that I'll have to know she's a very funny lady she is I was gonna I will get back to that

we started this podcast well not roasting Kevin Hart but just talking about it but the reason I brought up his TV show is his documentary. Right, man, it's following him as he does stand up

and it's introduced him to his crew, which is friends that he's been friends with for ages and he looks after them and he's clearly a good friend but his crew is something that's really important to him, Guy. His crew is very important. Loyalty, very important to him.

Yeah, click. It's his goat gang. It's his him yeah click it's his goat gang it's his gold guy it's his gold guy he looks after them now there was a time five or six years ago i don't know if you remember this but kevin harr uh cheated on his pregnant wife do you remember this vaguely yeah yeah i do remember that yeah so kevin's heart's wife was his second wife was pregnant with her first child even though they had two from the previous marriage and she brought that all in and he went to

he went to Vegas and he cheated on her and you know did he did she know all of this or are you just grunting on her yeah yeah

oh hold on you're mad she didn't watch that documentary but she listens to this podcast Kev why are all the cameras around the house

what are they talking to you about baby shut up just go listen to Sloss and Humphries on the road don't mind me if I do honey he what he did what so he's so she's in the documentary as well right and she's she's in the documentary

as well right and she's going hey look you cheated on me while I was pregnant and and not only that

but I found out because paparazzi came and told me like because that's what the fucking paps do they film the trigger so the paparazzi like wanted a reaction video

they're like how do you feel about your husband cheating on you and then she's like does a home alone face and they can't snap. Yeah, that's exactly it. And again, not what you want to go through at any time, let alone while you're fucking seven months pregnant.

So how did the paparazzi find out? Well, so here's... The Reynolds pamphlet. Did he have a Reynolds pamphlet? Do you know what that is? I don't know that reference. I assumed you didn't watch Hamilton. He was going to get outed for a very similar thing,

so he released a pamphlet telling everybody, which is essentially writing an apology Facebook status in it. I tried my fucking hardest to watch Hamilton. I gave it a real go. Not for you. I could have said it wasn't for you, Leg. Stinky fucking poo-poo. Just have some dialogue.

Have some written dialogue. Any musical that's singing all the way through it can fuck off. That's it. Uleg Disney. Basically, you like Disney films. So, seven months pregnant, paparazzi turn up. Because a member of his crew had while he was

sleeping with a stripper or a sex worker or something, filmed Kevin Hart having sex with the woman and then tried to like blackmail him or extort him for money and then fucking release the video. And I swear to God, three minutes of this documentary is them talking about Kevin Hart cheating on his pregnant wife and her finding out from the paparazzi and her talking about her feelings.

And then the next 17 minutes is them just sort of kept talking about her feelings and then the next 17 minutes is that just kept talking about how much loyalty means to him how betrayed he felt that one of his friends had felt it his wife his wife now the one that she's gone he was so heartbroken to have that level of trust it's like bitch what like don't get me wrong kudos for having the strength to forgive him but are you honestly on his documentary? Right, fucking I'd be like, Kevchis, he just didn't know how to deal with that level of trust-breaking. Like, the guy...

As if he was the one that got betrayed. He did, you know, like, don't get me wrong, being extorted is a horrible thing to do now. What happened to him was absolutely a violation of trust. But he couldn't acknowledge the karma in it. He just can't.

Alright. So like, she forgave him, the pregnant woman who was carrying his child forgave him and he couldn't

find it in his heart to forgive the mate who actually did the fucking right thing. Generally. The other way it should have been around, it should have been him just being like, who actually did the fucking right thing generally the other way it should have been around it should have been him just being like look

this really hurt my feelings but clearly not the biggest issue at the moment I'm gonna look my friend betrayed me but that's by the by baby I'm sorry I love you I made a fucking mistake that all went to my head yada yada yada and her being like okay I forgive you as opposed to her going

cry on my shoulder first and then we'll talk about the infidelity yada yada yada and her being like okay I forgive you as opposed to her going oh no no cry on my shoulder first and then we'll talk about the infidelity I know Barry betrayed you I know he did and that must be really hard

he filmed you fucking that stripper didn't he you didn't know he was there when you were railing that stripper who's not me

and doesn't even look like me by the way let's not get into that that happened there was talk about Jamie Vardy cheating on his wife at his wedding

with a bridesmaid, that was a thing and then there was conversation shortly after, so I had that conversation because the FA Cup was on, I'm sorry to bring up the FA Cup final that your team lost but that was the conversation in the living room was about Jamie Vardy cheating on his wife and then the conversation Cup was on, I'm sorry to bring up the FA Cup final that your team lost. But that was the conversation in the living room was about Jamie Vardy shooting at his wife. And then the conversation swiftly moved on

to people talking about how fiercely loyal he was to Leicester. I was like, oh, hi, loyalty. Straight off the back of that conversation, let's talk about his loyalty. I love how much of a fucking Ned Jamie Vardy is, though. Did you see he struck when he won a corner in the 93rd minute he's such a Ned

I did I don't know why I have to say because I like Jamie Vardy because obviously fucking Leicester despite them not deserving to win the FA Cup well done they did they've not won it in their four attempts if anyone deserved to win it at this point

it's them and also for a team that's gone up won the fucking Premier League in one of the greatest seasons that was ever been in any fucking sport

in everything that they've been through because people that aren't in football probably saw the news that the Leicester chairman was in a helicopter crash went full Kobe

I know he was Kobe before he was Kobe sorry sorry full McCree yeah he was Kobe before sorry sorry Phil McCree yeah yeah he was he was Colby

before Colby made it cool he yeah I mean they won the Epic Cup they

we didn't fucking play well enough they deserved to win it and I don't mind losing to a fucking

team like Leicester and I really like Jamie Vardy but then again fucking I mean it's Euros soon

innit so I hope he breaks his leg I hope they all fucking break their legs I hope there's an Ebola outbreak soon isn't it so I hope he breaks his leg I hope they all fucking break their legs I hope there's an Ebola

outbreak in the England dressing room I hope I hope in the 92nd minute when Chelsea

are 5-0 up against Man City in the Champions League final I hope Mason breaks his leg for three months

I hope Rhys James breaks his legs I hope Ben Chilwell breaks his legs I hope I love all these boys I love them with all my Rhys James breaks his legs I hope Ben Chilwell breaks his legs I hope I love all these

boys I love them with all of them I hope Tammy Abraham breaks his legs I hope Starlin breaks his legs Phil Foden

Phil Foden I think I'd genuinely cry if Phil Foden got hurt would you start him above Mason he'd be the first name on the team

sheet for me I'm all in. Aye. But I'd have Phil Ford and Mason Mount and Grealish behind Kane. Aye. That's what I'd go for anyway. But anyway, they're not here for the football, I don't think. We're just slipping in.

Have we known again? Just to remind everyone that we are lads. Aye, we're proper lads, aren't we? What else do we do? Just real cool lads. We're talking about shagging. Aye, we've done lots of it. You know what?

We were talking about shagging in a WhatsApp group the other day, and I was really shocked by some of the popular judgment when we were being proper lads talking about shagging. And Mark Nelson said he thought doggy style was boring and I cracked a very very funny joke saying like how you tried

Dana from being the one at the back but but then there was a like almost 50-50 split

of people that said 69ing was was shite and overrated and I'm like what hang on a minute

I thought these were just things that like were just you know like like it's like saying I don't even like a blue sky and a sunny day

you know well I think some things are just objectively good you've got to remember there are men out there lesser men infinitely lesser men

well unless they're gay in which case but no no no in fact keep it neutral there are lesser men well unless they're gay which okay but no no no no no keep it neutral there are lesser men across all

fucking sexualities that do not enjoy going down on their partners and if you do not enjoy going down on your partner you are a lesser man unequivocally whether that's

sucking dick eating pussy or eating ass or anything in between if you don't enjoy any of those things I'm happy to say that you're not a real man. Or a real woman

You're not a real person It's just like it's like you know DJ Khaled who is famous for reasons that I don't understand proudly came out and he was like I don't eat pussy and I'm like congratulations that you are

no longer, you don't get to claim to be cool. You don't be a fucking rapper anymore. By the looks of things, it's the only thing you don't fucking eat. Like, what are you talking about you don't eat fucking pussy? That makes me a little bit less disgusted than if you come out and went,

I don't wipe me bum. Aye. You'd be like, alright, okay. Okay, we've got that information. We're all processing that and holding against you. Yeah, it's just not not I don't suck dick or I don't eat pussy how did you

how did you say those words and expect me to look at you with anything other than fucking disdain in the popular consensus from the from the the 69 naysayers

heathens well that they didn't like the multitasking part of it well yeah they're two good things that they want to enjoy simultaneously like it's like patting your head

and rubbing your tummy I get it because that's what they're doing they're pushing their own head down and rubbing their tummy yum yum I reckon you could do it like

get in a blowjob first and then using using going down on your partner as like the I'm going to buy myself some time there. Look, I got a blow job nearly to climax there. Time out. Sorry, it cut off again.

I've got, I apologise fucking profusely. I've got no idea why it's... Luckily this is the free one. You don't get this kind of shit on is the free one you don't get this kind of shit on Patreon no you don't well

maybe you don't maybe because it's shorter I don't know why we can fucking get away with it and from now on we're going to be

in person when we do it this is the last one so yeah this is the last one so we're not entirely sure where it cut off

but we were talking about some of our friends don't like 69 and we're breaking down what it is you might not like about it. Like, is it the multitask?

Aye. Is it the... Multitasking, was it the... Do you not like the view? Do people not like eating vagina or sucking dick? And which I will stand by. If you do not eat pussy or suck dick, whichever one's your favourite of those two things,

if you don't do either of those things, you are not a man. If you're a gay man that doesn't suck dick, whichever one's your favourite of those two things, if you don't do either of those things, you are not a man. If you're a gay man that doesn't suck dick, you're not a real man. And if you're a straight man that doesn't eat pussy, you're not a real man. If you're bi and you don't eat both, you're not a man. You are fundamentally not a man unless you do foreplay.

So then we started discussing whether for a woman it was worse and more like women Prefer like don't don't like 69 as much as men because men have a good view and women don't have so much of a good View and you went speak yourself I've got an amazing arse and then we then argued over who had the best arse for four minutes Daniel for four minutes Not recording. It's just just me and you Me and my study you and your study two men in their 30s

vehemently rowing over who had the best arse and the answer is me and as I said we will get an independent panel of poofters we will get the gays that we know as they will be the best judges as I don't trust the podcast listeners to be unbiased

like they'll pick their favourites, they'll be team Muggins and they'll be team Creams and they'll not be able to look at it objectively whereas if anyone is as good objectifying as it's the game anyway. You're banging on the table, it means you're losing confidence. No

no, so all judges lose confidence, is that what you're telling me? Maybe, is that what you're telling me? Maybe. Maybe that's what it is. Guilty, I guess. Order, order. It's because they lose their grip, they shout in order.

So you just want to have the control group to be only homosexual men. You don't want to have heterosexual women, or the neutral crowd, the straight men, or the gay women. You don't want neutrals when you're judging shit. So how can you judge my arse then? Because you're a straight man

and you passed judgement on my arse saying it wasn't as good as yours. No, I wasn't necessarily judging your arse, I was just saying that my arse is exceptional. So therefore it just logically is better than yours. I don't necessarily judging your arse. I was just saying that my arse is exceptional. So therefore, it just logically is better than yours. I don't need to see your arse to know my arse is better than your arse. If you were a gay man. My arse is regularly commented on by gay comics. How many times has your arse been commented on?

Paul Sinner. It's been came on. So we're going to ask we're going to send pictures of our horses unsolicited Paul Sinner

Craig Hill Larry Dean Larry Dean I don't know Tom Allen well I mean I do know but probably not Rhys Nicholson

oh Rhys Nicholson and Kyron we'll give them we'll give them Ryan Cullen Tom Ballard both of our dads And Kyron, we'll give them. Ryan Cullen. Tom Ballard. Both of our dads.

See, mate, if you were a gay man, you would look at my arse and get a hard on. You would look at your arse and you would just go, there's me arse. So that means you're being biased because you're straight? You are? No. You are? You're discrediting my arse because it's not what you're interested in? I'm discrediting your arse

because your arse is disgraceful. It's fucking class. Class arse. I do squats for days, weeks. Ah, I see. So you have to work. And there's only one. Deadlifts.

I reckon you've got a good arse because you work to get a good arse God gave me this it's firm but bleeds look I've been getting messages about my arse

off chemists to you look my arse is fucking on the verge of getting sponsorship Daniel from Anusol just use it

all around the ring just apply here. And you are against the idea of putting it on a Patreon straw poll? Yeah. Because I just don't trust our audience to not be biased. Look,

it doesn't matter who's got the best odds between me and you. The winner is the person, the people that it gets sent to. What a lovely day they are having. Solicited arse pics. Right, should we move on to before this cancels out again? Yes. Yes, please.

You and your tech. You should get a Mac. Just put your hand in your pocket, man. Get a Mac. Get back working again. You and your tech. You should get a Mac. Just put your hand in your pocket, man. Get a Mac. Get back working again. You can afford one. It's moments like this with tech, which is why I'm so glad I'm not on Twitch anymore. Because I just remember 90% of my stream just me looking at a computer going, I don't know.

I don't know. It's too complicated. I don't know. I think I've lost a lot of people that would have watched if I could have just styled out and if something gone wrong with tech. If I could just style it out and move on. The fact is I can't let it go and I dwell on it for fucking ages.

I'm making up my identity. Your dad licks his finger before flipping the indicator on his VW buggy Your dad wears a replica referee shirt to football matches and chants supporting the man in charge Whenever your dad gets on a plane

he introduces himself to every member of staff saying that if there is an emergency to not hesitate and come find him as he was in the air cadets for three years He was in the air cadets for three years. He was! He was in the air cadets for exactly three years.

So if you've got any trouble up here, you just give me 13C down the back, economy, maybe have a fly, but not have a fly up front. Big care. I made it all the way to Warren, officer. Yo, Dad, this is pretty true to form as well actually Your dad invented and

manufactured a device that automates his fidget spinner because he couldn't be bothered to spin it himself That does sound like something you would do He did it with Sudoku puzzles I did see the program instantly worked them out. Yep.

Your dad spent six years at Boy Scouts and only has a secret-keeping badge. Wow, that's... Aye, that's... To have that alongside Econet,

that's a fucking busy social diary for a young man. Your dad lives rent-free in Sarah Pascoe's head, which is technically subletting in my head What I'm saying is I can't get your dad out of my head because

this squad has rights Your dad puts Lego around the floor of his bed so that when he wakes up he stands on them just so he can fucking feel something in the morning Makes him feel alive Your dad went on so that when he wakes up, he stands with them just so he can fucking feel something in the morning. Oh, it makes him feel alive. Your dad went on autopilot when he was driving his bus and he didn't realise until he was in McDonald's drive-through.

Showing to the passengers, anyone want out? Right, so she stopped recording manually for the first time in three stops. Aye, so we've been doing it. Speaking of fucking bus drivers. Oh, we're on tour. Oh, yeah. Are we? I think we start on the week after next.

Sloss and Humphries on the road is actually going to be on the road. We're going to have stimulus. Okay, so why is this fucking annoying video playing? and we're going to have we're going to have stimulus okay so why is this fucking annoying video playing this is my fucking website okay so why can I not scroll up

this is shite you're doing exactly this is exactly what we're saying with the way we are on Twitch oh my god we're doing a podcast now so

Leeds May 27th there are two shows they were they were going to be on on May the 29th and I'm not meant to tell you this but I'm always going to tell you this

because I'm not going to fucking lie to you the reason those shows are delayed is because Chelsea are in the Champions League final so I'm sorry I'm obviously there's no amount of money you could pay me in the fucking world

to perform that evening I am not performing on May the 29th so if you had tickets to those Leeds shows I am not performing on May the 29th. So if you had tickets to those league shows, they've been moved to May the 27th. If that annoys you and you never want to be my fan again because I've chosen Chelsea over you, fair enough. It's been a fucking

ride and I literally regret nothing. I will be watching the Champions League final on the 29th. It's also nice that you're saying this because so many companies have just went went due to COVID related reasons just because of their own inadequacies

shortfalls and and errors they're like blame COVID blame Brexit you're like nah you're just being shite

Sophology exactly I'm speaking directly to Sophology it's not due to COVID I'm watching

Chelsea play the Champions League final I'm watching Chelsea lose in the Champions League final May the 30th lose in the Champions League final May the 30th

Cheltenham June 1st Camberley June 4th Worthing June 5th Monchester June 6th

Manchester excuse me where? Monchester alright Mon yeah sorry do you think I said

Monchester do you think I was sorry do you think that was like a Ricky Gervais from nine years ago roast

Manchester and then we're off to Retardville Newcastle whoa I think

you mean Sunderland no I was trying as in like Mon

as in Mon like Monchester I genuinely as well thought there was this is my legit reaction I thought there was Mon, like Monchester. I genuinely as well thought there was, this is me legit reaction, I thought there was a place called Monchester.

I hadn't heard of it. And then when you said it, I was like, excuse me? Thinking that actually there was a place. I'm sorry. Because you know when you see like Mylon McCabe's tour itinerary and it's all places that just look made up. We've travelled the world and he's always like, oh, I'm going to be in

Swinbury Chesterville and you're like what God we're in so many places it's good isn't it Manchester Newcastle Portsmouth

Brighton Bristol Lincoln Bristol again Birmingham Halifax Milton Keynes London

Edinburgh some fucking French shows have just been announced at the fucking Corn Exchange at the moment there's only four but I can Birmingham, Halifax, Milton Keynes, London, Edinburgh. Some fucking French shows have just been announced at the fucking Corn Exchange. At the moment, there's only four, but I can assure you it's going to be much more than that. I saw that. I'm going to be doing that as well, I think, because I'll tell you why I think I'm doing it.

It came up with me the other day. It came up. Confidential Edinburgh all day from the 5th, 6th and 7th. I think it may be that. So there we go. Let me guess. Let's stop recording. Oh no, it's still recording.

Perfect. Right, we'll end it there. That's the end of the podcast. Everyone go away. Right, thanks everyone.