Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.22 Flop Gun

Episode Date: June 2, 2021

A sunny bank holiday on actual tour with a day off in London, Muggins and Cream woke up in bunk beds to record this episode packed with retirement plans to grow weed and appraisals of old movies that didn't' stand the test of time

It's a bank holiday Monday, the sun's out, you're all sunbathing, you're looking for something to listen to and then this lands in your Patreon, an episode where me and Daniel are actually on tour. Sloss and Humphreys are on the road, we've got a day off in London, we're going to go and meet up with some of the boys for a drink but before we did that we'll press record and Danny talked about how he thinks Top Gun's shite. He's a bit late to the party, I mean it's been out 30 years but he watched it and you get to hear his appraisal on this pod Sloss and Humphreys on the road Muggins and cream, cream and muggins straight thuggin' living the dream

that's our intro fuckin' muggles ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh they said it can't be done are we in the same seats? that's hack aww muggles accidental rim job in the park

kiss kiss kiss or am I just being cynical? just muggled it up. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or a magistrate cynical. Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Welcome back. Slots and Hoodfrees are actually on the road. Well, aye. On the road.

We woke up in bug beds this morning. We did. If you want to know how glamorous it is. Aye, it really, like, the reason we're in bug beds is because we're staying at Milo's glamorous it is I it really like the reason we're in bug beds is because we're staying at Milo's

which is always nice we're in a hostel imagine not laying that pub up in Dormant Reef well this is the thing

like I'm not like I'm not complaining about this because it's lovely to spend time with Milo and you've got children and we've got children

and I guess his wife no the old ball and chain nicest woman in the world but that's that's two days in a row where you may have

shared a fucking room and that feels like a tour nine years ago and I'm not and I'm not about that life you're not cool with it anymore nah nah

like it's like I've that's done that chapter of my life and our life is over like the first six years of us touring together well maybe not six maybe it was the first three or four but was us sharing

hotel rooms every single night except for Fridays and Saturdays where we'd book separate hotel rooms because we thought we'd stand a better chance of getting laid then and then it would always just turn into it was so naive Fridays and Saturdays where we'd book several hotel rooms because we thought we'd stand a better chance of getting laid then. Then it would always just turn into... It was so naive. Oh, God.

You know what, man? We're in Bambury on Tuesday. I reckon we'll get fucking laid. I dare you, daft wee cunt. Well, the pet they dropped was standards really drastically and they weren't that high. No, no.

Don't say that as if that wasn't in our arsenal. What we're talking about when Matty was teasing, it was in 2011, 2012, and Matty, whose house we stayed at the night before last, was teasing us that we'd been on this tour and we hadn't been laid in two weeks and we were both single and we just took such offence to it that we just any filter

was gone because we were just man we were stupid like toxic little boys and like and all he did was he pressed one button where he was like

you're not real men and that just made us go and then and he kept exaggerating how long it had been as well he was like it's been 11 weeks and you're like

it hasn't been 11 weeks like that's been 11 weeks why would we give a fuck about these things but we did we did and there were some really lucky girls that week they were really punching but I just don't enjoy I don't

I just think there's a certain age where you don't really share rooms with your mates anymore. Well, you know what was dangerous about it is we were sharing a bed, right? And it's happened before. We've been sharing a bed before and we've been like, for God's sake, back in the day. But normally, we're constantly on the road, constantly in a strange bed and all that, right? We've just had like 12 months solid in the bed with my lass.

Aye. That's so dangerous to claim a bed with someone else I'm so pleased we didn't wake up spooning well I had practice, I was in Australia for ages so I was used to sleeping alone and not being fucking woken up that's a lie, it doesn't wake me up in the morning

I've got one of those weird things where I could sleep through I could sleep through I could sleep through like bombs going off but if you were to whisper my name from another room I'd hear you

or like I'll sleep through people playing music downstairs we slept through oh yeah spilling up all night in the time

next to our room like very very selective hearing like I can I can sleep through a party downstairs but if I've if I've set an alarm

but my phone's on fucking silent and the alarm's on 5am and just the phone vibrates, that will still wake me up I always remember my dad when I was young he'd walk into bed with me like dad dad, dad, dad dad, nothing and then I'd like phone it

and just call him Martin, you rang and then at 4 in the morning you'd walk in and you'd just creak the door open slightly and be like I feel sick

and he'd be out of the bed in the fucking shop you've got that does it involve a deal where you're being sick and then deal with the actual sick aye aye

aye but I also think it's just selective like you've got bits in your brain where you go right that's an important noise and I'll register that

and then that's an unimportant noise and I'm not going to register that and I think that's I don't want not going to register that and I think that's I don't want to explain this to Cara but I think that's why I don't hear half the things she says

and I see you just tuning out you've got like a filter on no it's look Cara is is filled with really good information

and I would be an infinitely less organised man if I didn't have her in my life like she's the one that reminds me to do she's your fail at facts

aye she's very very good at reminding me of what... Reminds me of dates. Aye. But what she also does is she likes to interrupt anything I'm doing to make me look at the cat. Oh, it's plants in my house.

She'll just be like, I'll be sitting there watching TV with Colin or I'll be reading a fucking book or I'll be watching fucking D&D or I'll be listening to a podcast or I'll be cooking or I'll be cleaning. She'll go, Dio, Dio, Dio. And you go, yeah, yeah, yeah, what?

She goes, look at the cat. And I'm like, I can't. Come on, man. It's a great cat and I love it. But unless it's doing a fucking backflip at this point in time, is it just in a cute position? I'd love Natalie to just assume it'd be fun if I've seen the plants. Because there's a new leaf on a plant and she's

been nurturing them. She kissed the plant, Danny. She kissed the plant. It wasn't a performance piece because she knew I was there. I was just sat in the bed playing on my phone and she walked in and went,

it's got a new leaf. Oh, it's grown. And then she picked it up and kissed it. And I went, that wasn't for me. That was for you, that. Yeah, right. You weren't doing a bit. And she says she's not breeding it. Oh, no.

Walking around kissing new leaves on a plant. I'd be like, no, I don't think I've got a very mothering nature. It's not very you to tell that no no it's not for me I just some women when they get to my age

they just get these really really weird and says oh my god he's flowering oh take a photo of me

in the flower cut well this is worrying she's going to want 70 children we've not oh well we're not into plants but we're finally now getting our not so living wall turned back into a living wall. Oh yeah, I saw that, there was a praise on that, like an architect looking at an old ruin. Aye, we bought a house with a living wall and then it very quickly became a...

A living wall is just, it's potted plants all the way up the wall, like top to bottom, so the wall's just green. Yeah. And it's got an inbuilt water, it'll get water at the right time every day. Yeah. And we didn't install this, by the way, this came with the house and it looked gorgeous when they lived there. And then Cullen moved in

the basement and all of his just toxic corruption just kind of floated up the wall and just killed any vegetation in the vicinity of his room. i just think he was sucking the water out from the bottom of the plant pot so they just i think draining the roots and then we were like last year i was like we're gonna get the fucking living wall fixed because that was roughly i think it was like the end of 2019 hi and then the pandemic kicked in and I was like if you think I'm spending money on a hundred plus plants during a fucking pandemic

and like unless they're all marijuana you can go fuck yourself well there's an idea don't think it would grow up a wall but I am right nah as well

like I've seen in action that the horticulture it takes to grow marijuana it isn't just water on a plant no no it's not

that's becoming an exotic pet I've been reading up on a plant no no it's not that's like having an exotic pet I've been reading up on it because that's I want to I'd like I'd like to grow wheat at least once in my life

but I'd rather you can either do you've got two occasions when you can do it right you can either be you can either do it now when you're young which is more like

normally if it's just people trying to fucking deal but might as well be just for like self use getting high on your own supply aye

yeah and just just like it's called people trying to fucking deal, but mine would be just for, like, self-use. Getting higher on your own supply. Aye. Yeah. And just... It's called cooking. Yeah, exactly. Turn it into... Make my own butter with it. Cara will fucking turn it into edibles. Turn it into syrup.

I could really do that. And she makes... Crack... Cracknell? Cracknell. Cracknell. Aye. She makes...

Cara makes really good edibles if you just give her the fucking... It's essentially the nest that you would put your little mini eggs in. Yes. Aye. It's just essentially that, isn't it? Like, crispy cake. Aye, but she does it... She does it the fucking... It's essentially the nest that you would put your little mini eggs in. Yes, aye. It's just essentially that, isn't it?

Like crispy cake. Aye, but she does it with fucking weed butter, which is dangerous because Cracknell in general is very, very fucking more-ish. So you eat some of the fucking weed Cracknell

and then you get high off of it and then you're like, I need more. So I'm always like... It's like if you imagine you had weed Maltesers. Aye. And you have a Malteser, you can't just have it eat a Malteser.

Well, that's what they should fucking do with the edibles. Like, see gummy bear edibles, right? Each of those should be 0.2 of a dose. Homeopathies. Gorgon. Aye. It shouldn't be like... I remember going to...

Like, first time in Denver, I was like, how many of these should I take? And they were like, half of one. And I'm like, right, you fucked up then. If the portion size is half of what we've given you, you fucked up proportions that's all I've ever said, kind of like make two bits of cracknol, make wheat cracknol

and I'll eat that and then when I'm high, I'll have the normal cracknol as well, that's the the only other time you get to grow wheat I think I've got the audio on the wrong set sorry everybody if the audio was a bit shitter then than it should have been you've nailed it now?

I think so yeah I'm not sure we're at Milo's house we're not in a studio no more we're not in Kansas anymore the only other time you can really garden marijuana is if when the kids have left when the kids are at uni and stuff and it's just you

and your partner and you've just got a free fucking house and that's when you get into like gardening and sewing and dogging but like part of the

gardening I just be like you know what I've done it I've done me shift like they're all off at university or they're all off

doing their dreams they're all adults and I've now finished my shift you've got your greenhouse I've got me fucking greenhouse an old you've got your greenhouse I've got my fucking greenhouse

an old man's got his greenhouse I'd love that it would be nice it would be like it would be real mindfulness as well because like

with the weed stuff the weed we smoke now it's I mean don't be wrong I fucking love it it's the the pen stuff

you just buy the tips that's all shipped over from America and you have those but there's still like to me there's a really chemical side of marijuana even though I know it's filtrated down

and it's all fucking fine it's still like it's too close to e-cigarettes for me and even when everyone goes e-cigarettes are healthy and I'm like they're not we just don't know how bad they are yet there's been no 20 year study on e-cigarettes yet

because e-cigarettes haven't existed for 20 years see also protein and wifi. Like remember doctors used to recommend cigarettes and then 50 years later we saw what 50 years of smoking did to people and now doctors no longer recommend fucking cigarettes. So with the chemical marijuana stuff I'm always just like is this vaping

and I'm going to give myself fucking popcorn lung or what not. Whereas just marijuana in your back garden, that's never killed anyone. After vaping or lockdown, did you feel like a bit of a hipster this week when I brought some green? Loved it. Well, man, say it to Cara, because I'm definitely, I'm absolutely addicted to marijuana. It's a very minor thing to be addicted to.

It's not debilitating. It doesn't overly affect my life, but I'd like to... That's very brave of you to say, because you really set your stall out at one point about not being able to get addicted to like it's not debilitating it doesn't overly affect my life but I'd like to that's very brave of you to say because you really set your stall out at one point and I've been able to get addicted to marijuana I know

I fully well to be fair marijuana itself is not addictive but you can become addicted to anything addiction's not and a substance or a thing doesn't have to in itself

be inherently addictive you can have an addictive personality and get addicted to fucking weird shit it's just how we work so even though marijuana is not addictive not being sober during a pandemic is very addictive like get get out of your fucking like headspace there but i don't know i just think it'd be it just feels more natural if it's weed

like if it's because when you gave me that stuff i was saying to cara because every week i said i'm gonna stop this week or i all like trying to cut it back. I'll do it one day a week. And then you brought in weed and I could just smell like legitimate marijuana. And I just looked her dead in the eyes. I was like, I can never give this up. Like it's just, it's my favourite.

Like giving her blowjobs? It's one of the things I like. I know, I should definitely do it less, right? If Cara sucked my dick every day, constantly, it would get raw. It would be bad for her health, probably. Like, there'd be other fucking side effects. Nah, I don't think so. I think you'd love it.

No, man. You've, like, your sixth wank of a day is sore and unnecessary. By day, you mean? Aye. Oh, right. If you got more than one blowjob a day. There is, you know, there must be a limit to if you got more than one blowjob a day there is you know there must be a limit

to how many blowjobs you can get a day a second blowjob would be arduous for her aye like real arduous aye and also very

very ungrateful it's like you know what I know I know you think you did it right but hope I can do it again it would be a real marathon the second round

like aye aye but it might not be from the the second round like aye aye but it might not be from the same person though like would you what's if you

obviously this is in the world where we're not in a relationship how many separate blowjobs could you get in a day before the novelty wore off consecutive blowjobs consecutive blowjobs

from different peeps like just how long could you live in a constant state of blowjob? Oh, because you'd need reload time. Reload time, you'd cool down. You'd need your cool down. Aye, you need to fill up the fucking... Because otherwise you're just going to feel like you need a piss. You have to just keep on going after.

But how many blowjobs could you get to the day before you were like, ugh, another one? I think if you're not thinking about the end goal, it would be like how many massages could you have? It would be like in that kind of like, you get it, all right, this is an overindulgence now. I've just been lying getting a back rub the whole time. It's like the therapeutic nature of it.

In the end, it's class. But just getting like aye canny whale aye so yeah aye I think three it would start getting

into the realm of like back rub or head rub aye and then once I think once you've got if you get three and there's also this goes for lick outs ladies

whatever you're into em I guess not maybe well maybe it is depends how like because obviously like how it's take longer

in general I think to bring them to from my experience every time I've sucked a dick he's come way faster than I've

but I really know what I'm doing down there aye aye but I think as a if you were just getting your fanny munched constantly maybe you wouldn't that would be an interesting one

because you wouldn't necessarily need reload time for a fanny munch because they can have multiple ones aye aye whereas they just sort of keep going

and you're like that's you I don't have to do this for another week now those are your store those up like a camel that's a belt that'd be able to do

multiples like that's a superpower that aye that's an absolute superpower imagine you know like there were times especially when you were single and you're on like a like for the first time with someone and you want you want to be impressive i but like your body's a bit more eager than you'd like it to be always just it'll be better if you could just go and fucking I've got about five more where they came from well because that's the thing you'd always just be like

look give me my first one for free and the next two will be good but sometimes they give you the first one for free and you're like

actually that's that's all I had in stock sorry I'm a sofa company I didn't actually have anything in the back there that was just that was my one load whoopsie daisy

you can get another one in October I had a lot more bounce back ability than I do now I mean I probably you know what it is I probably still have got

bounce back ability to go on for a second one I just haven't got as much motivation to go on again I could what for you wait are we talking about blowjobs 8 and 5

no like after having sex when I'm finished right where it's like when you're in your early 20s or whatever

mid 20s you would like you could turn that into a marathon session where you're like just lying in bed watching a few TV

and then go back I was like I probably could do that I just I'm not the drive aye just like aye this is well because

I think it's like but when you were young and you were doing that that was like you were someone that you probably weren't going to spend the rest of your life with it's because like you didn't know when it was going to come around again you knew it was like a fling you knew this was like either a one month thing or a two night thing a three month thing or a fucking just a fuck buddy

situation and you were like I know we both know right that even though this is fun that there's no future in this right but the sex is really good so we'll just have as much as that

as possible where it's the opposite well not the opposite when you're in a relationship because but it's like I enjoy your company all the time and

we'll have sex when I can be arsed pardon me if if me and Natalie went like we did at the start, we'd both be so skinny. We wouldn't have read half as many books.

We'd get nothing done. I mean, Cara would still be hiding it. Sneaking around to each other's houses. Well, to be fair, she did the sneaking. I was bragging about it from the start. She was like, we need to keep this subtle. And I was like, thatgging about it from the start she was like we need to keep this subtle and I was like

that's like a really good idea for you so you keep we're running different circles yeah yeah yeah I'm gonna be

telling a lot of people about this because I do feel class even tell some strangers from stage I've got this podcast I'll just

I'll say it out there I'm sorry I have to look I'll call you pig I'll name you after a farm animal no but because they say it out there. I'm sorry I have to. Look, I'll call you pig. I'll name you after a farm animal. No, but because they say... It's a compliment, baby.

They say pigs are as smart as dogs. No, I'm not saying you're a dog. Oh, right. I'm saying you're a dog. Speaking of dogs, Milo's one. Milo's dog? It's the smallest dog I've ever encountered

in my life I've got to put it there I love it it's a good dog I've known it a day and I love it and and I shouldn't

because it's it's every it's every bad thing about it it's everything if you were to ask me before I met this dog what do I not consider a dog

I hated it from a photo yes I preconceived judgement on that dog it won me over in seconds it's a

it's a shih tzu but it's a shih tzu which is already a small dog that's the runt of the litter so it's an even smaller than normal shih tzu

and my stance is always if I can kick your dog over a fence it's not a fucking dog and you easily could with a I can kick over

a fucking two fence I could rubona I could rubona a fucking two fence I could Rubona I could Rubona that dog out of the fence you could do keepy uppies with that and the only thing that would stop you

would be the children crying it wouldn't be you wouldn't get tired you wouldn't get bruised on your knees or your shins I've got your jeans would need washed that would hold you back

you're like I'm on the road I haven't got a second pair of jeans if I if I if the thing I used to always say in my show is if I put your dog on one end of a skateboard and I stamp on the other end of the skateboard, if your dog dies from the fall, it's not a fucking dog.

Aye, but if your dog goes into orbit, that's my most dog. Aye. My most dog would go, it weighs, what do you say, it doesn't weigh two kilograms yet? Oh, Jesus Christ, aye. It's built like a squirrel. And normally with these dogs, the reason they're not dogs is because they're small, they're shit,

and they don't know they're small and shit, and they just fucking yap or they're fucking handbag dogs. Like what I've got an auntie, I love her very dearly. She'll admit this to herself. She's a little bit loopy, and she's got a fucking handbag dog

she keeps it in there she fucking wipes its arse with wet wipes and I'm like I'm glad you're happy I'm glad you're happy that's not a dog and you're a crazy person

she's like yep fine that's normally small fucking dogs like yappy horrible gross little things man this one they're always quite angry

they've got like a Napoleon complex haven't they yeah aye like they're what because they don't know their own size they're like I'm Napoleon complex haven't they yeah aye like they're what because they don't know their own size

they're like I'm a dog I'm a fucking wolf like they don't know how much we fucked them through evolution like in the back of their minds

they're like I used to be a wolf you need to treat me like a wolf and we'll just treat them like little fucking teddy bears they're trying to claim the pack but this one does

man it is just like it's somebody cast a spell on a teddy bear and brought it to life and it's the fucking it just wants cuddles it doesn't yap on it'll make like

little noises from time to time but it's not it's not an attention seeker no you just pick it up and because it weighs literally less than two kilos

it's man you pick it out of your fucking pocket if you're wearing a big enough hoodie you shove it in there and it's just a fucking sideways kangaroo pocket it's just like this it in your fucking pocket if you're wearing a big enough hoodie you shove it in there and it's just a fucking sideways kangaroo pocket

it's just like this is Clyde I just found myself just scooping her up while I'm chatting away and just having a little like shuffle on with her

like just giving it what do you call it when you rub the top of the head noogie noogie and he's a he's a girl

so I Coco put me pal I was like I fucking this is like bye two worlds Clyde here and we'll get along very very impressive I mean who's your girl hi Coco my pal I was like I fucking this is like bye two worlds collide here

and we're gonna lag very very impressive I mean you who famously hates dogs I don't famously hate dogs I just you can't expect us to love your dog

if it's shite I mean we've just described loads of shite dogs I can't just like just because he loves your dog like I only say it's imperfections yeah I don't it's theions. Yeah, I don't.

It's the gall of people who don't train their dogs to expect you to love their dogs. Like, their dog comes into your house, jumps up on your furniture. Or if you're outside, right, and it's just been fucking muddy and it just jumps up on your furniture, you go, like, oh, he loves you.

I fucking hate him. Could you train that so I can love this dog? It's not my fault I don't like your dog it's not the dog's fault I don't like your dog it's your fault I don't like your dog because you haven't trained your fucking dog I like domestic dogs dogs that know their place

dogs that know their dogs dogs that aren't considered to be fur babies dogs that aren't treated like human beings dogs that are treated like subservient species which is what they are. But I can't get over the fact that Milo, from time to time, has to walk that dog on his own. He's what, 6 foot 3? Man does he need to walk it?

Wears over 200 kilos of lean. 200 kilos, 200 pounds. How far away would you say that fence down there was oh yeah to be fair if he's walking that dog that's three miles

to that dog if he's walking that dog he's thirsty he doesn't need to leave the house like that dog is so small

that this garden is big enough that you make it do two laps and it'll be exhausted it's not like Gareth's dog which is

you can put Gareth's dog on a treadmill for 75 minutes and then take it off and it would be like alright when's dog which is you could put Gareth's dog on a treadmill for 75 minutes and then take it off and it would be like alright when we

go for a walk this one just too small yeah because you'd just be able to take that garden see that's the

thing I'm still such a I could have that dog I couldn't be seen with it yeah that would be like you know how you get house cats

that just never go inside? That's a full on house dog. You play with it with the blinds closed. That dog, for me, would be an absolute guilty pleasure. No photos of it on your phone. Just nothing. Just like in a

fucking hidden pocket in your wallet. That's the only image of it on your phone just nothing just like in a in a fucking hidden pocket in your wallet that's the only image of it I'd have I'd have guests running you'd just hear a little yap coming from

the closet nothing just a misdirection with people and all that oh aye

but aye I've it's genuinely like Ray my cat is I would say three times the size of it. Comfortably.

Easy. Yeah. And then some. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, could, my cat could kill that dog. We should set that up. Aye, so this is, no, this is, no, man, this should have been on the Patreon episode. That's where we do the dog fights.

That's where we do. The dog free cats. Aye episode that's where we do the dog fights that's where we do the dog fight that's on Patreon everyone's like oh what would win between a tiger and a bear and stuff like that like however man start realistic

what would win between a shih tzu and a Maine Coon like these are the fights we want to see it would be so one sided the Ray

that cat Ray is the perfect dog and I've said it before if I if I ever have a dog I want it to be like your cat

just just a big a big fat slag if I ever have a child I want it to be like your wife if I ever have a flatmate I want it to be like

your dad aye she's got the and she's done a good thing man I mean I know Cara

will be right to what I'm about to say because she always claims that I jinxed

this but it's been very nice of Ray not to die yet did I tell you I

nearly bought a tombstone for her no no you nearly tombstoned her I nearly

tombstoned her through a table. The TLC match. Tables, ladders and cats. Tenderloving care match. Doesn't sound like it. Why'd you put it through a fucking table?

That wrestling, like, you watch a TLC match and watch Rikishi do a stink face. Well, first of all, Rikishi was never in a TLC match. Was he not? TLC matches were not tables, ladders and chairs but they weren't

exclusively for the thing the Hardy Brothers and the Dudley Boys the Hardy Boys the Hardy Boys you're going my

space no that wasn't the correct one my face right Edge and Christian and then who was it

because those were the three it was Edge and Christian Dudley Boys Hardy Christian and then who was it because those were the three it was Edge and Christian Dudley boys Hardy boys and then there was a fourth

I feel like it might have been fucking Undertaker and Kane because they became a tag team for a bit they were way they weren't in the TLC matches they were in some of them they absolutely were

they were probably different weight divisions do they have cross weight divisions in wrestling aye oh my god shenanigans that's unfair

when Ray Mysterio fought the fucking Big Show I saw the Big Show versus Floyd Mayweather oh really who won there's nobody

he won't fight oh man aye imagine how I mean don't get me wrong Floyd Mayweather's records is already

very very impressive can you imagine how much more impressive his record would be if you counted... He's four bucks out of the city. Well, if you counted the YouTube stars and if you counted all the women he's beaten up, he must be on like 75, 80 at this point. Hundreds. Aye.

He is just a treacherous cunt of a man. It's such a shame that he had to be the best at something since he's such a to his core evil bad man. It's such a shame because I love the fight game.

I really do but it just attracts the worst. Which isn't surprising. I know but I wish it was like I wish it was just more of an art form. You wish more UFC fighters were just like Jojo Calderwood

I mean yes like she is one of the like the best she's got a title shot coming up soon I'm pretty sure

has she good on her I am I'm pretty fucking because the yeah because the next UFC the one that I've not watched UFC in ages

but the next card has both Jojo and Paul Craig on and I'm absolutely fucking literally watching Paul Craig. Great, I've got to tap him up if he's been in Glasgow for... Man, he's his, yeah, yeah, man that was an open invite he put out to you. I met him at the Playhouse gig and we were talking about this and I hadn't had any plans of moving

up then so he was just like if you're in the area, I'm like I live in the area now, like I should probably tick him up on that. I'm I'll message him on insta get his number because I changed phone a while ago we should get him on this hi this for a bonus and he now it also should do should dare because we're talking Lewis Capaldi about jumping on a podcast before was even like regular Lewis is taking a war Lisa for a while took a sabbatical from social media has it did he because I was gonna say say I hadn't seen much from him in a while

but I thought with everyone being like I almost should have tapped him up on that you can remember Lewis became famous

overnight well not overnight it was over the course of a couple of months but it was from fucking little kid in Bathgate to international

he got number one in did he get number one in America I'm pretty sure he did America's Sweet Home nah he went global like that would have been proper overwhelming for him

horrific man if you think either I've had I've had incremental success on the way to like Z-list celebrity status and even

the stress you were under in that infamous Hong Kong episode and I but I can't imagine how what it must be like from that fucking

perspective like younger you know and more famous more fucking instantly aye and also for an actual

and he's probably getting like tapped up all the time with these stuff so if we can try and chat when he's done

get any hard you want to hear when he's tossing off his other road aye we'll hit 300 on Peter aye we'll get you no no we'll hit 300 on Patreon I will get you

no no we'll plug your album at the end of it if you want maybe you'll go platinum mate I say two a day

it's not a lot they're quite loyal these lads they do come they come to a lot of them we'll get you on the Patreon one

that is special I mean they even follow Elliot and stuff that's just blinds like that Cab James

was telling me that when we were doing Two Woke Cucks he's like it is surprising how many people

do listen to he's like it's the second one of the second things he gets sort of credit for people like when's the next

Two Woke Cucks coming out he's like you know that's not my podcast right he's done Finding Dra out he's like you know that's not my podcast right he's done Finding Drago like he's done

absolutely head stuff he's got a great one with Alexis DeLopoulos as well not just Finding Drago the movie one it's funny when people know you for the thing

that you don't assume to be known for aye like when someone chatted me up and they chatted us up it was just a bloke

being nice someone tapped us up in the toilets in the nightclub in Aberdeen because he reads me blog oh you're like oh alright

I do the news for Wblog are you Daniel Sloss from Muff I'll kill you I'll break your legs where you stand not for long

where were you going there? when? you're just I think I distracted you you are no probably no I do do that

oh so I don't we don't always have to get back to train the thoughts because I know people get annoyed when we go I try to keep myself accountable for that

aye but I've also not got I think the reason if I lose if I lose thread, I just count it as one part of my subconscious being like, mate, it was boring. While you were distracted there,

I actually read over what you were going to say. Good save. Aye, I shredded it, actually. Good save. Just your brain being like, man, you were about to say something that you've definitely said before, and also you were about to half-remember something you heard and pass it and pass it off as your own information

and somebody would have held you accountable to it later on. So I've actually, I've just replayed 30-second clips of Simpsons in your head. How's that? Oh, thanks, man. What were we talking about? On that note, I'm going to start the topic of conversation that we'll always bring up and always have to steer away from before we lose followers.

I got to watch you win a Champions League final on Saturday night that's why that's why this podcast is late obviously Chelsea made it through to the Champions League final

which was on Saturday in the world odds on odds on favourites to lose oh man Man City who were a

really really really really really really good team they walked really fucking like the absolute team of a generation Man City, who are a really, really, really, really, really, really, really good team. They walked a really fucking long way. Like the absolute team of a generation, Man City. And they had everyone fully fit. Fucking Phil Foden, annoyingly, one of the greatest English football players already. Fucking Sergio Ruguero, aye.

And we went to Matty's to watch the match. And I will say, I give Matty a lot of a lot of shit but I will give him absolute props for this he let a Chelsea fan his mortal enemy come round to his house

watch the Champions League and man there was many times when I was stressed where he could have made my day a lot worse and annoyed me and wound me up

despite the way you were throughout the Columbia game when he was trying to watch England well to be fair to be fair we don't know how he would have reacted had Man City equalised

like we can live in a fantasy world of Matty's fucking kindness but we just don't know yet right it's the same thing I said to both of you because man

I was so fucking stressed throughout that entire football match oh you started accusing me of jinxing the Daniel you fucking did jinx it but you didn't because technically you still won it

I honestly don't have superpowers I can't tell Natalie this enough I do not have godlike omnipotence I just don't know why you'd jinxing is a thing though it's that you know you're accusing us of casting a spell

no no I'm I'm I'm accusing you of because I'll remember it right

had they just won had they just lost and you not said anything then I would have

just blamed it on my team being shot can you jinx it if you don't have a

horse in the race because the whole thing about it is pride comes before fall you're celebrating too early

and then it comes back and bites you it's like it just I was not celebrating it any more apart from obviously

the Kai Havertz goal but for the rest of that match but my I was I guess I was on the right side of the fence

because I was starting to speculate how brilliant it was that Mason Mount is going to have a Champions League medal and that Rhys James is going to have

a Champions League medal and he's been unbeatable down that side he was unbelievable didn't he and you were like you're fucking jinxing it man

I'm like no no up until this point he's been unbeatable down that side you were like you were getting so worked up and then and then

and then and then we won and and we deserved it and we will end this football chat in about three minutes time but it's just

one thing I do want to say. How small is Arsenal? It's a tin pot club. What a tiny little... Tiny little club. They're not in Europe. Not in Europe. In the past ten years, Chelsea have won four.

Count that, four European trophies. They're going to have to sell some players because they don't need a squad that big. So they're actually a tin pot club that needs to get smaller. Yeah. need a squad that big so they need they're actually a ten part club that needs to get smaller aye yeah like Arsenal's such a small club that like the boards their tactic is this entire season

let's get smaller that's what we are and what they're going to do to any Arsenal fans out there listening Sid Sid I'm talking to you yeah

Sid and Matty in three months they're going to keep their manager who got them into that position because he won Sid and Matty in three months. They're going to keep their manager who got them into that position because he won the FA Cup the year he took over with somebody else's team. And that's enough about football.

That's enough about football. London is blue. You're all really happy. I was. It was nice to watch actually. I was like, that's somebody watching their team win a Champions League final. It was good to see. I've never watched it before. to watch actually I was like that's somebody watching their team win a Champions League

final it was good to see I've never watched it before the one time I've been with somebody when they won a

Champions League final their team was Matty when Arsenal lost because they were a tiny club

it was a very different occasion like it was a very much a there there was that Barca was that fucking

aye was it 2-1? 3-1? 2-1. Aye. And Arsenal scored first as well, which makes it all the more beautiful. I think that was a sending off.

Aye, there was. I watched the... We'll stop talking about football. We'll not. Right. But we've got nothing else to talk about. We've done like a five-minute bracket there. That's all we'll ever do.

We'll never take more than five minutes. But we'll let it we'll get them into football we'll wean them into it I don't think it started with Natalie it's football mad

in my house well she's getting into it Cara's slowly getting into it just sort of tricking my deal with her was

if Chelsea win anything you have to I'll buy you a Chelsea shirt and you have to wear it and Cara's stance on it is very fairly her one is

absolutely but just as long as you're aware when we have kids they're not putting on football shirts

until they're about five or six like I'm not I'm not we're not going to be those

fucking I'm going to put my baby in a Celtic top come on man that's indoctrination

I mean it's it's fucking Rangers and Celtic I mean I'd definitely default my kid to Newcastle aye my kids would have

well not have to but I would visibly support Chelsea in front of them and it would be their joke but I'm not chapping my fucking

baby up from day one aye my kid would have to be trans team aye like I'd default them to the to the the team that they're born into

they come out they come out team neutral they come out team neutral you're bringing your you're bringing your children into the world team neutral uh yeah but with but i but i've but i've painted the i've painted the nursery blue like it's not subtle what i want but whatever they decide to be i'll be happy with but I'm definitely going to be like oh you know I think it's going to be important

for me if I'm bringing a child into the world in Glasgow that I get on that train go to Newcastle teach them about

the heritage and the ancestry and go to the Newcastle game so that they wouldn't have to pick a team in Glasgow

yeah it would be way easier to just deal with the fucking abuse of oh you don't support Celtic or why do you support an English team

when you're Scottish so shit and you go because I fucking hate every single one of you that forces me to have this conversation that's why if Daz Ajori feels

like a good out in Scotland that people would understand yeah aye that would be good my kids will have no excuse to be like why are you a Chelsea fan

oh my dad was a glory hunter 30 years ago it's not me I'm not a are you a Chelsea fan oh my dad was a glory hunter 30 years ago it's not me I'm not a glory hunter I mean don't get me wrong I'm a glory hunter by birth

so it's you know he forced me into this I didn't choose the club maybe just get them into rugby if it was a more interesting sport I feel like with rugby

you do spend a lot of time not really doing much I suppose it depends where you play into rugby if it was a more interesting sport. Aye, I feel like with rugby, you do spend a lot of time not really doing much. I suppose it depends where you play. I played out on the wing, and some of them cold winters, you're just fucking stood there shivering. It looks really good out in Australia, because every time I go to Australia,

rugby league is fucking mad out there, and I'm just like, man, I like sports in general. I could watch a basketball game quite happily if somebody would stop beside me and would just explain why a foul is a foul. I know what a three-pointer is, right? And I know what a fucking free throw is and all that shit.

But I don't know the little fucking things that happen there. Whereas rugby in Australia just seems like really high intensity, way more so than any of the fucking stuff I see over here. Have you got like I don't feel like

I've got capacity for another sport I feel like the more I put into the UFC the less I follow football the more I follow football the less I follow the UFC and they're me two sports

and I feel like I feel like even now I don't have time for them both even when I've just had a year off I feel like I don't have time to commit myself

to both sports it's the fucking time difference man I would guarantee I would be have time to commit myself to both sports it's the fucking time difference man I would guarantee I would be a basketball fan that's huge staying up till 6 for a fight shite

staying up till fucking Cullen fucking stays up till 3am to watch American football and I'm like man I'd love to get into American football right because it's

you know it's a high intensity because it's for Americans it's for the people with the shortest attention span in the world so they had to make something

happen all the fucking time it's a good intense fucking sport to watch I'm not waking up at fucking 4am to watch

sports I'm just regularly every week go fuck yourself not happening whereas if you were to move to America that that's the

only way you'd ever sort of get into it yeah and it would be on bars. Yeah. Like kind of a sports bar. I do love the sports bars in America and I love the dive bars and all that.

I'd be much more inclined to go and drink on an evening to watch sports in America. I don't... Nice weather all the time. I think American sports fans, from talking to like Brad Scott and stuff, because he's massively into... He's the Pacers,

I'm pretty sure, I think, it's his basketball team. But he was just like, man, all American sports fans are fucking horrible guys. Are they?

Aye. He's like, it's like on the surface, it looks all right, but when you're in the stadium with a lot of them, it's just. Because I found.

Well, sorry, but like the big ones, you know, the huge fucking fans. Right, because I found there was a massive improvement in fan quality in America for the UFC. I felt like when we watched it in Manchester,

when we watched Machida in Manchester, everybody in the Manchester crowd fought the good fight. Everybody there fought the war, like should have been in the octagon. the good fight. Aye. Everybody there fought the war, like, should have been in the octagon. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, 100%. And everybody thought they could do it better.

Right? And there was just this bristling, like, there was a bloodlust going on in the crowd where people just, like, had watched a fight and now they want their go. Right? Like, they've got 20...

Like you see Monkey do. Aha, like they've got 20 pence on the pool table. They can't put their 20 pence on the pool table they can't put their 20 pence on the octagon in America people are just there like eating a popcorn witnessing it

you know be like I could never do this yeah this is amazing I wouldn't need to I own a rifle like at no point do I need

this is self-defense this is a spectacle because this doesn't happen on the streets here yeah I just did find that like it was just a much more

like just a passive audience rather than like, not even passive because they were getting into it and they were cheering and they were like,

they were watching the sport without thinking that they could do it is what I was saying. I loved when, I loved very, very briefly when a couple of World Cups ago

America was doing quite well in it because I was in the States at the time. And like Americans were really getting into the fact that like Clems Dempsey was scoring goals and they were through to like the quarterfinals and stuff. And then like all of that, all of that stuff was like really, really, I was like, this is exciting.

The Americans are fucking getting it. And then they ruined it by the standard things. Offsides, just making it plural, is the single most infuriating thing in the world to me. Like, it's not a plural. It's offside. You're offside. It's not plural.

You're offside once. It's not offsides. There's not... He's off one side. He's not offside on both sides. There's only one side he's off on. It's a fucking singular thing. There's an onside.

There's an offside. Also, also... He's on the off a fucking singular thing there's an on side there's an off side also he's on the off side that's why maths is plural it's not math mathematics mathematics

it remains fucking plural the other one was PKs oh god I fucking forgot about that you wanker

PKs oh DK's taking a fucking PK not a fan of that the other one is when it was America versus Portugal

right and America were winning like 1-0 for the longest fucking time and Portugal equalised in the 92nd minute

and I had to try and explain to a room full of grown men and women in America why the game didn't end at 90 minutes they were like

but the game should only last 90 minutes and I was like yeah but you scored in the 92nd minute for extra time. But why was there extra time? Because you cunts

kept kicking the ball out of play when it was 1-0 up. And they're like, but that's not fair. No, what you're doing is not fair. That's why, trying to explain extra time

to these people. Because they don't stop the clock when the ball goes out of fucking play. And they can't fathom that for the life of them. Basketball ball goes out of play. Do you mean injury time do you mean why

did you go on past 90 not extra time no no not extra time why was there three minutes why was there 90 plus three

I thought the game only ended at fucking 90 and you're like no there's yeah but you've been buying time so like it's getting

put on at the end because you can't really well I mean you can buy time in basketball and hockey and these things

but they end the the second the ball goes out of play. That's it, done. They stop the fucking clock. Nothing really goes on. Is that true? Have I pulled that out of my arse? Who gives a shit? So we're just as dumb about American sports as what we're saying.

Aye. On the other side of it, we can't comprehend. Yeah, aye. Aye. I wouldn't feel right as well picking an American team

to support anyone I would any team from Colorado favourite state aye yeah aye

I do like Colorado you'd do San Diego you'd support a San Diego team San Diego was a good time

San Diego was a fucking beautiful city I shoplifted a fucking bike when I was high on my own in San Diego did you not a. San Diego was a fucking beautiful city. I shoplifted a fucking bike when I was high on my own in San Diego. Did you? Not a bike,

one of them scooters. I know. Someone had went into the shop and I was like trying to get a scooter. I go in and then someone pulled up and went into the shop and I was like,

I'll use this one. I went to like buzz onto that one because I couldn't get mine working. Yeah. And it was already running and I was like, but I do want to get out of the park and I haven't got much time.

I'm fanning on looking for a scooter here and just went off on their ticket they kept the engine running for ages on it didn't they

aye aye it was just one point when you were going along and he just went boing aye he just powered powered down when they realised

he was disconnected from the app I was in the middle of Balboa Park and I just clumped a hole and I was like I've got to

fair play my fault because he didn't come around there with us did he no I was in the middle of Balboa Park and I just clumped a hole and I was like I've got to figure out where I'm going because you didn't come around there with us did you no I was doing I was doing a bunch of podcasts so I just

couldn't I was doing it from the hotel room I can't remember I can't remember who the podcast was because I didn't I didn't have time

to go to the zoo but I did have time to go and run Balboa Park because that's the zoo off Madagascar isn't it I think it is I think the off Madagascar, isn't it? I think it is.

I think they filmed Madagascar. It was filmed. Aye. It was filmed at San Diego Zoo, but the animals were from other zoos. They obviously... In San Diego, we drove past the pub from Top Gun where they sung that song.

I watched Top Gun not that long ago. What an appallingly shit movie. Is it bad? Oh, one of the worst things I've ever seen in my fucking life. That was a proper bang out of that at the time. Oh, but again...

I watched that several times as a kid. It's piping hot shit. I want it to be a favorite movie. It's a movie for the same reason that The Great Gatsby is considered a great book

was because it was written at a time when there were only seven other books in the world so of course it was a top ten fucking book. Like Top Gun came out and was considered a great book was because it was written at a time when there were only seven other books in the world so of course it was a top ten fucking book. Like Top Gun came out and was considered

a top movie because movies hadn't really done anything great then. Like it was the best of that bunch. Had they had any other movies where there was like fucking jet planes

just fucking whizzing around shooting at stuff. Like is that what it was? It's like that's the first time you've seen that on a screen. I can't even remember much. The footage here. I instantly repressed the movie.

Like, my brain... I'm a big movie fan. Love watching fucking movies. Can recall a lot of scenes. Recall a lot of fucking actors. You could tell me people that were in Top Gun. No idea. I fully delete...

Hold on. So, if you'd never seen Top Gun before, did the penny drop for you when you went, oh, that's why you say you're Goose when you're fucked? Oh, I'm Goose. It's because Goose went through the fucking... He ejected straight into the glass, didn't he, and it didn't break?

Yeah, yeah. Well, man, I think... I can't remember many of my thought processes because, again, much like when I was... You know that part of my brain when we forget what we're saying and it's just my brain being dead sound and just deleting the boring bits of conversation

I was about to have. My brain did the same thing with this movie. There is nothing in that for you. So we'll just delete that. So wait a minute, you didn't think it was the coolest thing on earth when Iceman said, Maverick, you can be my wingman anytime

and Maverick went, no, you can be mine. No. You didn't think that was the coolest thing that ever happened on television? Iceman and Maverick you can be my wingman any time and Maverick went no you can be mine no I didn't think that was the coolest thing that ever happened on television Iceman and Maverick

having a bit of banter who was each other's wingman Iceman and Maverick so Iceman and Maverick is that the fucking sequel to Batman and Robin forever like the fucking sequel

to the George Clooney the one that nobody asked for nah piping wet hot shit so fucking and I guarantee thank god Nelson doesn't listen to this podcast because otherwise that was another seizure for him there.

Do you think he's big on Top Gun? When was it made? If it was made in the 80s or 90s, then yes. Early 90s, I'm going to say. Then yes, it's one of his favourite fucking movies, and he'll not be able to admit that it does not stand the test of time. And that, eh, I was just shite, man. What other movies are there from that generation? Me mum and dad love Office and the Gentleman. And that's a film I've had to watch a bunch of times.

Is that the bit where he comes in at the end and he lifts her up? Love lifts us up where we belong. Way to go, Paula. Way to go. But watching it back now as an adult, that guy's a fucking jerk, man. No, he's a gentleman. He's never a's a fucking jerk man no he's a gentleman he's never a gentleman he's a gentleman

I've not seen it because I just find he doesn't have many redeeming features and I know it's a bit of a like you've seen what his past was and all that

and he didn't have an easy life and then that's how he becomes but like I didn't even find it like I just was like I just like this guy

in the beginning the middle and the end. The whole character arc is about a character who I think's a dickhead. In Westia at 11 by the power balance. I'm trying to think

if there are any other movies that people think are classics that are actually just genuinely... I couldn't bring myself to go back and watch Friday because I've immortalised that film in my head

as the best film ever. Oh, yeah. The funniest. Like, what a buzz when he beats up Debo at the end. Spoiler alert.

Aye. And Chris Tucker is like, you got knocked the fuck out. I don't think I've seen it. I just can't, I can't imagine it being any good at all. Even when I think about

the lines that were comedy lines, I'm like, actually that was a catchphrase. Catchphrase fucking. I think it's just, I think because I was just a little wee muggle, I liked repeating stuff that was really repeatable. There's so much repeating.

Hey Miss Parker, we're going to be fun, Miss Parker. That was the only reason why Little Britain Was ever popular Was it was just things People could fucking repeat Peter says no Aye

I think it was that And that's I kind of Because I got so much joy Out of that Like you could put it on Like a music album Like it didn't matter

Like if you were chatting Or if you left the room Or come back in I would just have the movie Friday on in the background Like fucking Ice Cube Was just the coolest person On the fucking planet then I'll tell I would just have the movie Friday on in the background like fucking Ice Cube was just the coolest person on the fucking planet then

I'll tell you what does stand the test of time still is well he's been on a bunch of like Rob Compson he's cooler than them he sure is

me and Colin watched Austin Powers the other week Austin Powers 2. And, okay, I absolutely think it stands up to the fucking test of time. But then I've also just got this worry in my head now.

Am I just doing what my dad did to me with like fucking Airplane? And, I mean, I did watch Airplane. I enjoyed Airplane. Cara fucking hated it. In that case, my one would be probably Hot Shots. So like, you would have probably been the same age for case my one would be probably Hot Shots so like you would have probably

been the same age for Austin Powers as I was for Hot Shots is that the table tennis one was it Charlie Sheen Hot Shots part 2 was where you had the chicken and the bone arrow

I don't think I've seen that it's like based on Rambo and all that it's like oh that is Charlie Sheen yes but I've not seen it

I don't know it's one of those fucking spoof movies that's mad I just don't know because I've not seen it. I don't know. It's one of those fucking spoof movies. Oh, that's mad. I just don't know. I've never seen Platoon. Platoon, fucking what a movie, by the way. I can't believe I'd bypassed that until I was 37.

I don't think I've seen it. Willem Dafoe's fucking mint in it. But Charlie Sheen's in Platoon, isn't he? So for him to be in the spoof of that type of movie, as well as that type of movie. He's literally doing a caricature of himself. And he's doing that every day now. Every day.

I wonder what he's up to. I wonder if he's still going out with those two girls and doing the most amount of cocaine that it's ever been. Man, that fucking... That mixtape of... What do you call it, like a mashup of his interview to a beat winning.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Tiger Bloods. That holds up as a banger. Like, it's a joke song, it's a parody song made up of samples from his interview, but like I would have just listened to that if I didn't know about the interview and I'd never seen him before and it was just seen him in the like I'd never seen him before

and it was just a song in the charts I'd be like fucking sick do you reckon he must be do you reckon he's clean now is that why we've not heard of him

heard from him even just because he's I think he's sorting his act out I think Gaza has you know spoken like a true fucking England fan he just walked off mentioned one thing about an England legend

and Rangers legend oh good make him worse he went on Italian television and he just looked fresh and he spoke to the host in Italian

done a few kick-ups fumbled a few kick-ups and he just looked like like oh look there's Gaza not like oh look there's Gaza

who fucking rocked up to Raoul Mote's funeral oh here we go right so this well let's take this with a pinch of salt this is a Mirror article

this is about Charlie Sheen now dated Charlie Sheen was once one of the biggest stars in Hollywood but it all unraveled in 2011

when an HIV diagnosis sent him into a dangerous spot oh is that why he was on the gear because he was HIV positive I don't know is that like

is that what people do when they HIV just kind of ah fuck it well I mean back in the 2000 oh yeah

I mean it's kind of a it's really treatable now yeah but was it treatable in 2011 I don't know I don't think it's like really is that is that when he had HIV is that when the because it's really treatable now yeah but was it treatable in 2011 I don't think it's like really is that

is that when he had HIV is that when the fucking winning song was 2011 yeah 2011 oh my fucking god 10 years have passed

oh man a recap stated nothing to help him and after being released he promptly demanded a 50% pay rise and branded boss Chuck Lorre

a stupid stupid little man and a pussy punk that I'd never want to be like. Well, then. And apparently, I think he's just doing cameos now. Which suggests things are not going well.

Aye. Aye, I've done cameos for lockdown. We've all been there. I feel you, Charlie. Aye, but yours wasn't so much a foff of grace it's just I never had grace

I enjoyed doing mine man it made people happy I just had nice brought them a little bit of joy people doing them for their mates

aye I bet it was a was a lockdown thing much like Twitch aye I mean I'm still going to do Twitch when I'm back home. I really enjoy doing it.

I really enjoy the community that we've built. And it's still going to be ongoing, so people can follow Shirley a button. It's going to be doing crafts on my time slot, so that everyone can get together still. I like what was being in lockdown. As much as it was a lockdown thing, I would like to keep it going

nah that was the second the second I got to I enjoyed most of my time on Twitch but it just it just became a job

and I already had a job that was way better you didn't like really connect with people did you you didn't because you like I can I've got like just a

nice enough amount of people that I can try to keep up with the comments I normally get like halfway through and then I have to scroll a bit but at least I can like reach like people

you know people get connected with when I'm on it because I'm actually like mentioning them I'm mentioning what they're saying and like it builds this synergy

whereas your I've like popped on and watched you your chat would just flood off the screen before you had a chance to read it so people are still

just like in the in the ether watching you aye nah I mean the second I looked at a fucking studio I was like oh that's

that's me done with that aye aye now that this is back now me actual job's here now the thing that I'm actually fucking good at is back

aye I'm not gonna fucking retrain or relearn something else because that's the thing like you can be fucking good at is back. I'm not going to fucking retrain or relearn something else. Because that's the thing. If you put the fucking effort into Twitch, you can be fucking exceptional at it. You can be really good.

That's why Lemmy's so good at it. That's why Gareth's really good at it. That's why you've got these people who, you know, Roscoe, McLellan, you put all this effort in when you're not on stream to make the stream as good as possible when you are. The second I stopped streaming, I wasn't willing to put a fucking shred of effort into it. Yeah, you've got to make the stream as good as possible you are I was the second I stopped streaming I wasn't willing to put

a fucking shred of effort into it yeah you didn't want to make any extra scenes you didn't want to make any trinkets couldn't fucking be arsed

I don't like man I really don't like not don't like computers I just I don't have a computer game brain and I can't fucking be arsed and when you're playing

a computer game you want to be concentrating on it yeah I can't multitask man I'm really like I like I love playing computer games I've just been playing concentrating on it yeah I can't multitask man I'm really like I like I love playing computer games I've just been

playing Resident Evil there I had a fucking great time if I was streaming that I would have paused it about

a hundred times to chat I feel too compelled to like entertain with what I'm saying rather than what I'm

doing I kind of I kind of bring myself to just like have a moment where like even you know

if there's a cutscene I played a game that had like a lot of cutscenes I couldn't help but talk over the cutscenes

and that's not what Twitch is Twitch is like they're watching you play the game man it's a platform where you can do whatever you want with it but I don't want to do

anything with it I could never I never mastered the game and all that but I did like I did I rated chatting shit for an hour

you either have to be really funny or really one man podcast driven by comments that's all it is aye online busking

yeah that's you found that really undignified didn't you aye just didn't like the money aspect of it

like I just felt I just didn't like thanking people for fucking money didn't like asking for money during a fucking pandemic didn't like thanking people for fucking money didn't like asking for money during a fucking

pandemic didn't like and also not to be a dick about it but like not money I'm used to

like it's like I just you're taking a massive pay cut to put way more energy into something that didn't fulfil me

a shred yeah so good riddance I say right on that note I've nicked your stream deck have you you want it back

no I'm not at all I just borrowed it while you were away I was like we'll have this conversation when you're back no that's absolutely yours if you want anything else

that I used to use for it I'm not because I'm still going to get another one I like it I'd miss everybody I also just man I don't like I'd miss everybody I also just man I don't like

people having it was just an extra fucking window into my life and I don't like that at all I don't want people having that extra

fucking layer of connection with me I don't like being that open and fucking vulnerable with people in that aspect I have to be a

shut avenue for you because people and generally the people that are willing to go the extra mile have to be a shut avenue for you because people like and generally the people that are willing to go the extra mile to speak to you

are probably the people that you least want to speak to yeah and if you like I'll sometimes like open my Instagram with other messages and it'll start with like

could you tell Daniel no and I'm like nah nah nah I'm not his PA yeah

I don't I look I I specifically do not I'm sure you've sent me lovely messages and I'm very very fucking

grateful for all the kinds of things you say I cannot read them it's not good for my mental health I'll read all

of them it'll go in my head I'll feel responsible for people's emotions and it's just not healthy for me so I

don't care because if I do care I'll care too much and it's not good so it's way easier for me to just

cut off all fucking communication unless it's on stage, this fucking podcast, or after shows if I'm in the mood to meet people. I think I'm at just a nice level where I can have time for people without it being too much. Also, I'm a miserable bastard, man. I don't think... You'd have to falsify that energy

whereas it's an energy that comes it's an energy that comes quite naturally for us to have even if it's muggle but I wasn't one like I'm there for that

I'm just not it's like you know anytime somebody tries to I've always hated that phrase strangers are just

friends you've not met yet I fully fucking disagree friends are strangers that are ran through the fucking mill right they're people who are when you've got met yet I fully fucking disagree friends are strangers that I ran through the fucking mill right they're people who I went you've got to meet

all this mental criteria in my head to be my fucking mate or I'm not interested and you're always on probation aye and I've got my mates and I

like don't get me wrong sometimes you get a new mate and it's very very fucking exciting you're like buddy this is great and then they need to be impactful in episode one

yeah yeah but I'm not looking for new connections I've got three your dad throws Maltesers up in the air does a handstand and tries to catch

them in his arse is he very successful I don't know I don't watch when he asks like he explained the concept to me and does he try to ask like he tries Dan watch Dan Dan Dan watch Dan I don't know. I don't watch when he asks. He explained the concept to me.

Does he try to ask that you try as well? Dan, watch. Yeah, Dan. Dan, watch. I'll do it in a kilt. Dan, Dan. Your dad has a bookshelf that moves when you pull one of the books out, but it only moves to reveal a wall with a David Beckham poster. Well, at least he's ashamed of it.

As long as he's ashamed of it as long as he's ashamed of it that's absolutely fine your dad puts his own drawings up on the fridge they're really good they're not yours are better but he just did

it's just like get your own fridge is the baton still on a picture is the mouse still licked hi one day I'll get the spot he's like that's very good son but I mean come on I've seen this one he's like that's very good son but I mean come on

I've seen this one I made aye that's a cat blue cat when was the last time you saw one of them never imagination guy

it's key to the process and also only having blue crayons aye I ate all the red ones that's really limited yeah your dad laces his dress shoes

around the bottom like they're football boots aye because you never know what I'll tapes them up yeah electric tape

you never know when you're going to be walking home from a wedding and a kid's going to kick a ball across the park it's going to fall to your feet and you've got to nail that kick back

otherwise oh if like he doesn't kick the ball and it's still at his feet you've got to nail that tackle man aye my god Dave even if you tackle out of the man you've just got to make sure you get a foot on the ball and it's still at his feet you've got to nail that tackle man aye I got to him

even if you tackle out of the man you've just got to make sure you've got a foot on the ball yeah I was going for the ball and it's like aye with your left foot but I did see your right foot

clock his chin aye you followed through shut yourself your dad doesn't take sugar in his coffee but he is partial to a jelly cube

in his coffee aye I want is partial to a jelly cube. In his coffee? I want to try that and see what happens. Oh, Matt, do you? Kind of. I reckon it's, well... I think it would be nicer in tea, you know. I think it would be nicer with a tea with milk in it, like a jelly cube. Or maybe without the tea bag and just get a cup with some hot water and then...

And then let it set. And then in a fridge aye aye your dad keeps his toothbrush in his mouth like a lollipop as a fashion accessory

your dad watches Sesame Street with a fly swatter and waxes cock whenever it twitches no Big Bird no

no oh no Elmo's coming on this is gonna hurt don't say tickle me don't say tickle me don't say tickle me and then he slaps it so many times

with a fly spot and then he comes aye Pavlov dogs himself now to tickle fights Pavlov dogs himself to tickle fights aye

you looked at us like I was going to do a critique I was just enjoying it from my mouth just thought just thought I was going to have the pleasure of explaining to you what Pavlov Dogs made

no no no and then I could be dead educated in my own head no no you've explained it before and I remembered oh fuck your dad uses his nostrils

to save his chewing gum but there's one time he sneezed and blew a bubble so big that he floated off your dad watches porn but doesn't masturbate he just sits there

and mumbles must be nice jealous alright oh oh la di da oh happens every day to you

does it it's alright for some alright wouldn't it be me one man's junk another man's pleasure one man's be me? One man's junk. Another man's pleasure. One man's spunk is another man's pleasure.

Is what you should have. Your dad insists people refer to him with the pronouns it and that. Fair enough. That's what his parents called him. It just comes from his childhood.

Anything to plug? You do. We do. But we're on tour well here's the thing so no I mean they're pretty much

all sold out because everything's at like fucking 25 to 50% capacity and these are the shows that we would have been on last year

that have been rescheduled and stuff but if you want to fucking gamble there are occasionally new shows that have been added and some tickets available

and they're expected to be at capacity some of them yeah oh yeah and it might get to the point where there's like hesitations from

the government and new turns and we might have to split them down into two shows but that's out of our hands that's all into

the contingency plans of our management alright like this just oh wait fucking maybe not I'm sold out

so Camberley sold out Worthing sold out Manchester mostly sold out but the Sunday show in Manchester is not sold out

June the 6th Newcastle three of those shows are sold out but June the 11th is not sold out that's at the town theatre

Portsmouth 17th not sold out yet two shows in Brighton on the 19th another fucking Newcastle date and then Bristol Lincoln 17th not sold out yet two shows in Brighton on the 19th also another fucking Newcastle date and then Bristol

Lincoln Birmingham Alifax Barnacastle London places oh and Edinburgh we're doing Edinburgh

just go to the fucking website you know the drop counts alright and I'll plug our Patreon if you're listening to this on the other free podcast channels, you can support the podcast

for three pounds or you can sign up for five pounds and get extra stuff, videos, bonus podcasts for guests. Aye. And it keeps the podcast running.

So thank you to the people listening to it on Patreon already. Thank you very much for being here. Much appreciated. Love you lots.