Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.23 A Patch Eye Pilot

Episode Date: June 9, 2021

Cream recommends some excellent comedians, Muggins recounts his childhood career goals being scuppered and the pair discuss the favourite parts of America they'd like to take their ladies. Amongst discussions about toxic men doing welfare checks and when we're willing to put our morals down.

Hello ladies and gentlemen, and boys and girls, and others, and neithers, and animals, and new listeners, and old listeners, and part-time listeners, and this is not, you're looking at me as if this is not a good introduction. It's good, I'm just checking the levels. Oh, well, okay. This week's podcast, we talk about America and all the places we're looking forward to going to I think

that's what we did and then we also spoke about comedy for a fair bit talked about John Doerr and Rory Scoville and then

Kai Greit for a bit and I played the middle man and then I've got a far brown hair oh no

you fell through nah nah nah it's fine alright well I'm just going to keep it clenched in case I need to wipe Sloss and Humphreys on the road

Muggins and Cream creaming muggins straight thugging living the dream that's our intro fucking muggles tickling the clit inside your head to make you laugh

woohoo they said it can't be done are we in the same seats It's so good, living the dream. That's our intro. Fucking muggles. Tickling the clit inside your head to make you laugh. Woohoo! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rip job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical?

Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Hello, mate. I started. Oh, sorry, I was taking a drink there. It's not my fault. I did tell you you could start, but I'm going to say it. I was going to say I could have hedged you up, but I did.

You did. You did. I just didn't take it on board, and I carried on with what I was doing anyway. You're like, oh, I just didn't see you there. All right. I'm going to them intros. Didn't see you there, guys. I just have a fucking picking apples in an orchard.

That's how John Doerr opened up his set at the Comedy Store in Sydney. It was one of the funniest things I've ever seen in my life. He just genuinely walks out on stage and just pretended to pick apples for three minutes. And then just went, oh, hi. Didn't see you there. I'm John Doerr. Welcome to the comedy show.

Amazing. Is that any special? No, no, that was just live. John Doerr is one of the ones that's if nobody's ever seen all of his Conan spots they're absolutely worth it

he's just this fucking guy that just likes doing like stand up that's just genuinely different every night he's fucking likes fucking with the audience and stuff

I know it's not the same guy but who's that one with Day Moon oh that's Rory Scoville so him and Rory Scoville though him and Rory Scoville

did two bits on Conan that were really really good because I was going to say that sounds very similar I think

so like that's what so one thing they did on Conan was Conan just came out and he was like look every

you know every week we have stand up guests on this show and you know in the 25 years we've been doing it, we've always gone on the right. We've given some breaks to the great.

But there's been a fuck-up this week. And for some reason, we managed to book two comedians for the same spot. This shouldn't have happened. I bear full responsibility. But the two comedians have graciously agreed to share their time tonight. So please welcome to the stage John Tory and Royce Goale.

And then they come out and they both just do five minutes of stand up at the same time you know what I think I've shown you this but I just didn't know I didn't think I'd seen

Roy Scoville at the time and I'm just hearing about John Doe John Doe now so I've seen that aye not known not known

as those two the other John Doe one is the one where he's doing he's doing a spot on Conan and then halfway through somebody's just talking

through his set and it's Rory Scoville and he's just like they get into an argument because obviously Rory Scoville's been during his set and John Doerr's like

do you think this is easy like do you think this is easy and Rory Scoville's like yeah I think that's easy when you stand up there and you tell fucking jokes and like do you think what I'm doing is easy

like because he's ushering in the crowd and John Doerr's like yeah I think that's fucking easy and then they swap positions and they just doing is easy like as he's ushering in the crowd and John Doar's like yeah I think that's fucking easy and then they swap positions and they just start doing

each other's bits and then Conan and I do it's great everything John Doar has done on Conan

I'm gonna I'm gonna get down the rabbit hole and look him up now because when you

start showing us the Rory Scoville stuff the day moon I've like every Rory Scoville interview that he's done

on the Pete Holmes show is the perfect introduction to Rory Scoville in my opinion but also Rory Scoville interview that he's done on the Pete Holmes show is the perfect introduction to Rory Scoville in my opinion but also Rory Scoville there's nothing beats Scoville live like Cullen says

the best comedian he's ever seen live in his life because he saw him on Ireland didn't he aye aye when Rory Scoville in the room

like he just man it's like when fucking Stades on his best form yeah and it's just because he's able to make

every set just so fucking different and just put insane amounts of fucking in it. Like apparently he did an entire set in Sydney Comedy Store where he walked on stage

and like yanked the mic too hard out of the stand and the mic just went over his shoulder with the cord. But he just continued to do the set as if he didn't know

that was happening. So he accidentally done it? Accidentally. How do you... The amount of times I've taken a mic out of a stand, I don't know that was happening. So you accidentally done it? Accidentally. How do you... The moon and times I'm taking it make me understand. I don't know how you could even physically accidentally fall over your shoulder.

Well, maybe. Was he... He was purposefully trying to wrench it out for effect. I think it was like in and then it went over. I mean, we'd have to... Or like it was a bit stiff and then he pulled it and it was loose when he pulled it.

Maybe the top just came off. I just accidentally... He accidentally became a catchphrase comedian on my Antigua holiday because me and Sop were just drunk as fuck

just like screaming at the moon all the time just going oi get out of here sun's on deck you know that you don't see the

sun coming up at night but we just fucking played it to death I think it's very good about the Conan O'Brien show it's just like

there's no other TV show that would just let comedians fuck around with like a bit like that it's actually like there's no other TV show that would just let comedians fuck around with like a like a bet like that it's actually fucking amazing that they do because I mean

you'd want to you'd want to go on and kill it and do your best stuff because you've got so many eyes on you so to use it to just fuck with

the formula it's quite like it's a bold thing to do like it's really ballsy because you're not trying to test it even though it's a silly idea

you're doing new material oh no no I think I think for both the five minutes at the same time that was a bit

that John Doran Scoville like did in comedy clubs oh did they that would be like yeah that would be very funny at the fringe aye

like yeah it would be like one of those one of the morning one of the morning shows like on at Spank aye like it would be like One of those One of the morning One of the morning shows Like on its spank Aye Like it would be wasted

At late in life Yes Absolutely wasted At late in life As is Everything wasted At late in life Like don't get me wrong

Some people are incredible At late in life Aye But like It's still all wasted Aye I've You can have the best

Side of your life At late in life It doesn't matter I love I love playing late in life because I I found it totally achievable

but like you had to use tricks I I you had to use tricks you had to like really tell a material to suit it

I like here's a trick I used to do I would not acknowledge the crowd as soon as I walked on because it's a bear pit and the fucking like

they don't really want you to do well. No, they're there to watch you fucking. They're there to be counted first and foremost. They're fucking smashed. Some of them are asleep. The show starts at three in the morning. Some of them are chatting. It's fucking, it's still ongoing at like 5am, right?

I don't think, it does start at one, but like it's always running late and it's still going at like five fuck nah I can't remember the timing right but I used to like I'd go on

and I wouldn't even acknowledge the crowds there like we were on the stage Kai Humphries and I'd go on I'd just tag the company for a bit like across the aisle

I'd keep a hold of them just chat and then like the way you started the podcast like oh you're here hello I didn't see you there

and it just puts them a bit more in your hands because like you take the power away from them straight away oh you're here oh hello I didn't see you there aye it just puts them a bit more in your hands because like you take the power away from them straight away when you're not empowering them

aye so you can you can play them I did Lay It Live twice I did it once at like the Leicester Comedy Festival

when I was I think I was 18 it was me Craig Hill and Tom Allen eh and just I was 18 it was me Craig Hill and Tom Allen and just I was very fucking how are you the gayest

on that Bill? because they were both inside of me that was the oh okay you were locked in yeah I was the I was the middle guy

they still had holes that weren't full aye aye on the other hand time of my life and I owe it all to you we were down there and

just some fucking kind of the front row his heckle was just any time wouldn't heckle wouldn't engage

wouldn't do anything just not laugh but any time I took a sip of water he just went and it was just the most off-putting thing in the entire fucking world

I tried to I ripped him for it audience laugh I'm getting fucking ripped didn't throw him off the strike he just kept fucking doing it that's hilarious from the bottom of my heart and I mean this sincerely and him for it audience laugh I'm getting fucking ripped didn't throw him off the strike he just kept fucking doing it that's hilarious from the bottom of my heart

and I mean this sincerely and I have it on record I fucking hope that man is dead right now oh man and I think he is I've got a soft spot for him

I would like to publicly acknowledge I Daniel Sloss I'm if you were that man or your dad or your brother or your whatever was that man at late in life at Leicester

Comedy Festival in 2008 and he's dead from the bottom of my heart I'm fucking glad he's dead just pass that on to anyone that knows or loves him it's excellent trolling I'm also happy when trolls die I used to I used to date my brother when he was eating the chocolate bar when he took the bite I'd go

and then when he's chewing it I'd be like and then I'd watch for his throat going and go and do the gulp whatever he's eating just do the entire meal you kind of just like start it and not finish it but I used to like

spoil full fucking food for my brother by doing the sound effect and that's why when you die I'm pretty sure Gav will be thrilled that you're dead probably

probably would be actually life insurance as he gets the flat fully paid for aye aye doesn't have to make another payment it's just his now

fair enough fuck I shouldn't have said that did anyone tell Gav that well nobody clip that and send it to Gav I don't think this is

one of the podcasts he listens to I don't think so well I think and now he's there he's Gaffer sometimes does like you know Craig Johnson

who my mate from Concordia so he's a spot you know when Gav works with Craig he listens to it sometimes so Craig don't mae Gav yn gweithio gyda Craig. Mae'n gwrando ar hynny weithiau. Felly Craig, dwi'n mynd i ddweud gaf yna.

Mae hynny'n dda. Dwi'n mynd i ddweud gaf yna os byddaf yn marw, mae'n cael ei ddod i'r ystafell. Rwy'n eithaf yn siŵr, gaf. Efallai nad yw'n gwneud hynny. Mae'n cael ei ddweud. Rwy'n meddwl y byddai'n fwy o wythnosau. Rwy'n meddwl. Rwyf wedi cwrdd â Sonny o'r blaen. Sonny yw blwg iawn. Ie, blwg da. Blwg da. Ychydig mis oed. Blwg iawn. I would did I've met Sonny before Sonny is a proper bloke aye good bloke

decent bloke six months old six months old proper bloke sharpens his crayons with a knife he's got a he's got a fucking

anchor tattoo on his left arm aye he's fucking he was kicking off Mario was like oh he's whinging a little bit the deal

it's because his aka didn't come in aye it was actually because he saw the English players taking the niche for BLM

just a proper bloke His dad's called Brett and he's got resting Brett face Aye Where he's just got Brett's just natural skull about him

It's not a natural skull It's like a It's less than inquisitive It's almost like what you're talking about Willis face Yeah Brett's always just waiting

to just sniff out how full of shit you are aye and Sonny's got that same thing about him but you're like but mate you're the you're the one that smells of shit

you're the baby aye if anyone here smells like Joby it's you Mr Joby Pants but aye he's absolutely class like I have pals with that kid

like aye you text him that's my bro that like he's like you message pals with our kid aye you text him that's my bro that he's like your message pals with him

and he sends you those messages but it starts off normal but it's just then loud screaming women in porn aye he sends that sort of stuff aye

he sends like as soon as I say the video in fact he sends his memes right not even cropped not even cropped there's full screen cap on his phone

ifunny.com at the bottom aye aye good book though some videos I just won't open them I'm like

oh what's it going to be it could be a really funny meme it could be a behidden he's just one of them whatsapp group hand grenade kind of guy I'm really glad

I don't have any more of those friends anymore like those friends who send you like just the most fucked up shit in your whatsapp group i don't know if it's specifically a male thing but i only have known it from male friends in the past those people bled out of my life gradually over the past 10 years and the only ones in my life now are your friends aye aye and i'm in a And I'm in a WhatsApp group with specifically that type of people. Aye. And I was fucking, brought a tear to me either that day.

Because I like squaddies. That's how I ended up in a WhatsApp group. Because it was one of the squaddies' birthday weekends. His 40th. And I went away. I'm still in the group. I met some of them on that weekend. Some of them I've known for a little while, right?

And they had a welfare check the other day where they were just like how's everyone getting on he's all right and i just like we hard bled because like they didn't seem the type you know what i mean like in a group full of comedians you're all artsy wankers yes but you're not people that are bred to be men and they're fucking pushed out at the age of 16 to fight for their flag. For the everyday welfare check, I was like, that's like softening stone, that. That was nice to see.

That is where... Well, I reckon they've been through way more shit than we have. I guarantee they have. I guarantee they have, but they're hardened by it. But I just think that it's testament that the whole awareness of mental health is actually getting through because they're hardened by it but I just think that it's testament that like the whole awareness of mental health

is actually getting through because they're the type of blokes that would have previously said pull yourself up by your fucking bootstraps and they're still making some occasions

they're still making some occasions right but I feel like because there are times when you should pull up your bootstraps and fucking get to it and then there's other times

when you welfare check and they did a welfare check and everyone was just like aye I'm doing our own I'm a graft this weekend but I've got my feet up

because of all that it's really fucking you in a group of squadies then huh why are you in a group of squadies because I could bang aye well they just saw you play college

you did really well once as if that's ever fucking happened aye I camped with my parents back on once and they're like aye he could probably aye he could bang with us he could once and they're like he could probably he could probably

bang with us he could probably put up a base on the Kiba Pass you know what I could have quite what would you see if conscription

came round again what would your excuse for not joining be well I've got an affinity for these guys because that would that would have been my life I walked into the office

oh did you aye I walked into the office right and I wanted to be an air load master actually for the RAF that was me

and what air load master like you know putting the weapons on aeroplanes and that oh no okay I think that's what it was anyway like

just working you wanted to be a support act for planes aye aye I knew I didn't have the chops to be a pilot you need like a degree in that

I think you have to get in at officer level aye my dad wanted to be a pilot but he was too tall and also blind aye well that was that was my let down

so I ticked the boxes of things I ticked the boxes of things I'd like to do like me choices and then like stuff that

you know if that's not available I still want to fucking sign up right yeah okay right so your number one was Transformer obviously aye you wanted's not available I still want to fucking sign up, right? So your number one was Transformer obviously. You want it like that's the one. And you want to be Tom Cruise and Tom Gunn for some reason

even though it's a show you do. And then Goose. And then a Goose. Just Goose, you know. And then a silly Goose. Which at this point in my answers you can tell I'm being anyway. I was like, I wouldn't mind being a sideway in a missile. I can make the noise.

And then I was like, I'll be a flare. I've got the genes. Just send me up in the air. I'll let you know where the drowning people are. They're beneath me so what are the they sent us for an eye test

so that was the next stage right and then you have to send your eye and how did that go they said I could be an Apache pilot they didn't say

you could be a patch eyed pilot is that not what that was patch eyed pilot the name of this podcast a patch-eyed pilot. Is that not what the... Patch-eyed pilot. The name of this podcast. A patch-eyed pilot. There we go.

Wait, they said you could be a patchy nut. No, so that's because they can make their eyes move in separate directions. Oh, can they? A different half. That's one of them

Kentucky Fried Mints. Ah, it sounds like... Wait, are you two... Wait, there's a... So, patchy pilots have chameleon eyes. is that what you're saying? That's what I'm bred to believe. That's what I've been propagandised to believe, that they could separate their eyes.

You know what they might be able to, man. I don't. I don't know if this is true. I know this to be true. I don't know if it's true. It's just like, you know how I know it to be true that shit is an acronym for ship high in transit because they put the manure above deck. Aye. Because it would fumigate

below deck, create methane gas and it would be flammable. What high in? Ship high in transit. So it doesn't get put below deck. Aye.

So that's why, that's what I know to be true. Might not be. Aye. I know to be true. It's just I've heard it. I like it. It sounds good.

I repeat it. Apache pilots can make their eyes work in separate directions. Fair enough. I've heard it, I like it, it sounds good, I repeat it. Apache pilots can make their eyes work in separate directions. Fair enough. I'm glad we explained the reference there. So that was the joke. But I was bong-eyed. I hadn't had any squint surgery at the time. So they sent us the opticians.

And you walked into the butchers. I'll have a ribeye please so so even way back the reason I didn't apply for pilot wasn't just because I didn't have a master's degree right

I remember I was fucking seven years old or something right and I'm in the Brian English's opticians another bloke another guy's name Brian English

seven year old boy I was. I used to do jokes about this. He had the torch in my eye and he's like, so what do you want to be when you grow up? I went, I want to be a pilot. I wanted to be a pilot. I didn't like aircraft modelling, airfix and all that. I fucking loved my aeroplanes.

I wanted to be a pilot. He went, not with them eyes. Spat his tea in my face. That's what he meant actually he was hot tea spat it in your face No but these eyes Your eyes were perfect

at the time I had nothing wrong with them I was just going to turn into the blind into the daredevil He was a cock block a cock pit block It was clunky wasn't it?

It was It worked Well because also I thought you were going like cock eye block Cock eye block Cock eye pit block It gets clunky It does It gets clunky wasn't it? It was. It worked. Well because also I thought you were going like cock-eye block. Cock-eye block. Cock-eye pick block. It gets clunkier.

It does. It gets clunkier with every word I add. I'm trying, I'm trying, I'm trying. It's a bumpy road. It's all been the stairs on the way to a punchline. Hope there's one there. Hope this isn't an escalator that's going upwards. So I took my eye test results into the RAF

and they said why you brought your birth certificate yes why have you brought in two Nats magazines these make you go blind the fuck I know how I had the later file the things ticked what I wanted it to be aye they sent us back with a list the things ticked what I wanted to do aye they sent us back the list of stuff

ticked that I could do aye another list was there any crossover chef I reckon what is chef make that breakfast

and that make breakfast for people that can see aye and just ask them what flying's like aye what do the planes

look like in the class you take a picture of your phone bring it back through to me aye aye aye aye extra eggs no worries sir a'r ffynion yn ymddygiad. Beth yw'r ffynion yn y clas? Rydych chi'n cymryd llun ar eich ffôn a'i gosod yn ôl i mi. I, extra eggs, nid oes pwysig. Beth amdani? Scramble like my eyes! Felly, nid oes gen i'n mynd amdani. Ydych chi'n meddwl y byddwch yn gwneud yr hyn a wnaeth fy mab? Fy mam? Nid. Nid oes.

Ydych chi'n meddwl y byddwch yn gwneud... my mum no I never used my mum's eye no do you reckon you'll do because my dad couldn't get into the RAF because of his eyes and because of how fucking tall he was

and then later on in life now he's got his pilot licence now and he's spent years going out and doing that stuff

and doing all the exams and some people later on in life when his eyes were after he's had laser eye surgery and once they made cockpits

for people bigger than six feet. He was like, well, now I can learn to fly. Yeah, you can just fly recreationally. Right. Because my mum's against it

because my dad's like, ever since I've been young, right, before any, like, I was successful or anything, my dad was just like, when you're older and richer,

buy me an airplane. Like, when I'm retired, just buy me an airplane. And my mum's like, do not buy him an airplane don't do that and it was always just

like a joke about that because I was obviously never going to grow up to be rich and famous turns out you owe your dad an airplane well that's

and my mum's like don't like he will kill himself and I'm like but what a way to go though that's about the way to lose your dad a sky fire

like come on as long as he doesn't he hit a commercial jet killed 300 people fine he's like that's me dad he'd like it

no no I think he would like to he wouldn't when I say he killed himself he wouldn't intentionally crash it he would just crash it like it's not that's why I've never had a motorbike

because like I've crashed most things I've been on you know like I've crashed a car and I've crashed a jet ski alright there's no way you should be I've crashed too many things've been on. I've crashed a car and I've crashed a jet ski. There's no way you should be. I've come off my bike.

I've crashed too many things. I shouldn't be taking riskier things. Yeah. I've done quite a bit of flight time. I've flown quite a bit in my youth. Oh, because you were a basic day. I was a flying fairy, the call is. Can you believe that?

Who the call is that? What, people on the street? Aye, anybody. A flying fairy. But that wasn't the slur. That was the... No, that was the slur. Oh, right, okay.

Because I think that was just like what the army called the RF. Flying fairies. Because I'm inherently homophobic, while simultaneously really close to other men aye but also

they all make fun of each other like the RAF make fun of the Navy and the Navy make fun of the fucking

aye and then everyone makes fun of the what was it the fucking the TA the aye the aye

what was it they call them SWAT some weekends and Tuesdays. The SAS, Saturdays and Sundays. I've met.

Aye, so that, like, that would have been my life if it had been, if I was being appropriate. So, like,

I'd think, like, having affinity for guys that lived that life because I was like, that was the, I thought I knew what I wanted to do

as a child. Aye. And it was go that was the I thought I knew what I wanted to do as a child aye and it was can't save the flag God save our gracious I reckon we'll change the song you know what that song

it's fucking it's one of the worst national anthems in the world and by the way America if you're listening you are also up there

please I don't want any Americans laughing at me giving England shit here for having a really bad night. What's their Star Spangled Banner? Oh, God, it's fucking appalling, man. And they stand up at sports games and they put their hands across their

chest and they cry. Grown men cry. They weep. They all sing it. They're all fucking... Before any sports game game you fucking imagine before a fucking Sunderland Newcastle match alright

we're all going to start singing God Save the Queen and we fuck two institutes you hate religion and the monarchy we're absolutely not doing that go fuck yourself for like the association with football,

I feel something. Of course. With the national anthem, I feel something. And when the camera pans down all your players and they're nervous and you're like, you're all going to fail me, but at this moment in time, you haven't. I feel something with that song.

It means something to us. But I can't look closely at it. It just has to be vaguely on my periphery and it is it's look all national anthems are inherently shit

just because like it's just all you're saying well nationalism's inherently shit yeah isn't it well in some

if it's when it's utilised wrong I think having a bit of national pride is like good I think you should be proud of what you did I tell you about the... I was reading a Tim Marshall book, you know, who wrote

Geographical Prisoners, Prisoners of Geography. That's the one. He wrote one about walls. I can't remember what it's called. Something about building walls or something. Tim Marshall. Good author. Donald Trump. It was Trump. Tim Marshall. Fucking easy mistake to make. Good white boy names, isn't it? So the difference

between patriotism and nationalism is patriotism is love for your country with respect for those of others people of other

countries nationalism so no American patriots are patriots nah they're nationalists right so nationalism

is love for your country with contempt for those of others so oh I've definitely got a tiny bit of nationalism Scotland I Nationalism is love for your country with contempt for those of others. Oh, I've definitely got a tiny bit of nationalism. Scotland, you're quite nationalistic in that your contempt is, it's all directed at one other country.

Yeah, it's not all other countries. Love Ireland, love Wales. Don't love Wales. Enjoy Wales. Yeah. But yeah, no, I do. So the difference between patriotism and nationalism largely hinges on whether you're

respectful or contemptuous towards people from other bodies so most people that say they're patriotic are actually

nationalists yes the hiding under the love for the country when really the main thing

is the contempt for others aye that's very interesting I didn't know that distinction Scottish National Anthem

cracking I like the extra verses in there I love this the flower of Scotland the flower of Scotland is a nettle I can't let this go but like

if I fell in those I would go cry at your mum saying I fell in nettles mum aye they have she would be like I think you'll find that's a thistle I'd be like man

prickle the fuck with it, please. Just sympathy, please. There was no way the flower of Scotland was going to be traditionally beautiful, since Scottish people are not traditionally beautiful. I was about to be like, you're talking about my wife.

Oh, and yours. And your mum. Aye, aye. No, you get some very good looking Scottish people But it's Like you notice them Like they stand out Like remember we used to

And this isn't a great thing We used to have the term Scotland goggles Right Which is You'd be You'd go up in Scotland And you'd be like

You know what The women in Scotland Are actually fucking beautiful And by the way Scotland goggles works For all genders Of course it does Right

Girls get it The same as guys But you go up You look around Man people appear Quite a fucking Interactive actually fucking beautiful. And by the way, Scotland Goggles works for all genders. Of course it does. Girls get it the same as guys. But you go up, you look like, man, people appear quite fucking attractive. A perfectly okay looking person looks amazing. Up here, they look really, really good.

Whereas if they were down in fucking Spain or they were over in America or other parts of the world, you'd be like, oh, oh, right. You're just average. Well, it was,

I'm going to butcher a Mickey Bartlett line I hate doing this in the comments but Mickey Bartlett was like I don't know if he does it everywhere

or if it was just in Scotland but I saw it in Scotland he was like there's some really good looking people around here there really is but I tell you what man when you guys are ugly

you fucking mean it you do get some fucking you do get some fucking... You do get some roars. We've not got strong to get... So that's why our flower was obviously going to be a fucking wee ugly prick. You think it's self-awareness that you just have a prickly...

It's hard to get rid of. No, I think it's... It's got a colour. It's got a little bit of colour, but it's hard to get rid of no I think it's because it's kind of like it's got colour it's got a little bit of colour but it's got like dark colour so you have to look for the beauty in it

there doesn't need to be much nutrients in the soil for it to grow no it's resilient you know it's always doesn't matter what the weather is

it's going to be there like you know it's not like you know you still see it through the fucking window it's like aye it's good and

I I don't think I've bought national anthems aye it's good and I don't know what national anthems apart from the Scottish one I know they're a class I kind of like the I think I like the French one how does that go?

I can't remember be careful we're going to embarrass in fucking January, mate. You'd better learn the words. Are we going to Paris in January? Aye. Oh, we're doing that? Are you gigging?

Aye. Well, I mean, we've not announced it yet, so nobody tell anyone. Aye, don't tell Gav. Just keeping this whole podcast from Gav. What happened? Is there stuff that we can't announce? You know the thing we were talking about the other day? What? just keeping this whole podcast from Gav what happened is the stuff that were kind of announced you know the thing we were talking about the other day what

the girls are going to come to Portugal no they're coming to that but like later on in the year maybe oh America ah can we talk about that oh well in the sense that like aye well we go to America at some point

we don't we know oh October and November-ish don't know where yet the dates have been finalised so it's all just like in the speculative phase it's in the

it's in the planning phase so that'll be fucking maybe we should maybe I'll get a text after this like from Marlene and be like you shouldn't have spoken about that but I mean she never does

but let's just say hypothetically right at some point we're going to come to America again and then we're talking to the girls about coming out they've always visited

when we've been at like LA or New York or whatever, but we want to give them a more eclectic view of America. So if we were looking for a bracket, based on my experience in America so far, if we were looking for a bracket of places for the girls to experience, what would be your dream team?

Do I have any places I get to pick? Three, five? Let's pick, say if they have any places I get to pick 3, 5 let's pick say if they're coming for like a week to 10 days but we're going to try and factor in

a few days off as well so in these places we're going to do the gig but we're also going to spend some time there so let's say 5 gigs over 10 days 5 gigs over 10 days

alright ok Denver and Colorado because we could be in Colorado you could do Denver and Boulder Denver and Boulder in 2 could be in Colorado you could do Denver and Boulder Denver and Boulder

in two days and and those are both fucking great I love obviously I love Colorado those would be class then also you've got to do

they do have to experience Texas Texas we've got to do it but I want them to experience well I want them to experience well I want them to experience if I had to pick one Austin Austin I

but I don't know how much that was just because it was the first place I landed on the tour and we spent a few days there so I got to know the place I didn't spend as much time in Dallas or Houston

Dallas was I loved I loved Dallas and Dallas would be the other one I would stick on there so for me it would be Austin

and then Dallas like I even I even the other one I would stick on there so for me it would be Austin and then Dallas like even the fucking show I remember that Dallas show the Houston show was the one in that Blues Club where it was a bit fucking weird

and they just oh they played my fucking intro without even telling us there was clearance oh yeah the House of Blues in Houston

yeah yeah yeah so that was there and that was a great gig and then we went fucking sound yeah Neil our tour manager was just in a bit of a huff with the venue because like it was every gig had been such so slick and then that one had been a bit tricky hadn't it just for every every step just as much aye so that was still a great gig but the dallas one was one where i was

just like the dallas one the venue reminded me so much of where we played in munich and the audience was just like i remember being on stage in d and just thinking to myself, I might record a special here. That's how good a crowd they fucking were. So I'd love them to see that. I love the Philly crowd, mate. Aye. Philadelphia was great as a city. I don't know if I'd put it in the top five to take the girls. Then fucking cheesesteaks were not... The cheesesteaks were meant...

No, but absolutely, legitimately lived up to the fucking like you queue for a fucking hour aye and it's so food wise as well that's another reason you gotta go to Texas because like

it was a Terry Black's barbecue I mean just all the barbecues any of the barbecues and like and they all disagree though like

there's better places than others but when you come from this country and you experience American barbecue it so greatly surpasses what we know as barbecue

that it's all just Godes what we know as barbecue that it's all just God like to us and I think we should take them to New Orleans if we can yeah because we got to witness it without immersing myself in it because we had like a four o'clock lobby call or something we're walking down the street like one in the morning like knowing that we're gonna get picked up any minute so couldn't really let loose I mean we're still dead we've got fucking we've got two hours sleep

but it was like you know it just felt a bit like we dipped our toe in the New Orleans and we're like oh we've got to bring the girls back here normally I would say normally I would say both LA and New York but since we've done those with the girls so that's all so that's the only reason I'm not so those yeah so that's all they're not so that's the reason

they're not in so fucking Madison I always loved Madison Wisconsin Madison Wisconsin

Mike Malloy was with us there yes we couldn't get in the hotel at the start and then there was like the whole entire hotel

had a fucking power cut and then we did the gig but it was really good but then we went to the arcade, the barcade afterwards. Oh, this could be any gig. No, no, no, no.

But it was the big eight player barcade. Remember that big fucking team thing? Yes. The 12 player one where we were all like bees and stuff.

That one, that was Madison, Wisconsin. Right. Class. Because actually, because we're saying the White Dream Team there is going to be places that like

that are going to slip in there that they might not have went to by choice hopefully there's going to be some places that we've not fucking been to yeah um

Washington I've never done Washington oh you were there I did the synagogue there that was a fucking great gig they were really really good there um mind you I don't really I don the synagogue there that was a fucking great gig they were really really good there

mind you I don't really I don't not like Washington as a city but it's just compared to San Diego San Diego fucking yes

and as an audience and you've still got so much to say in San Diego because you were fucking goose when we got there goose that's where

the Top Gun bar is the bar where they sing that's in San Diego yeah we spoke about this so I fucked off on That's where the Top Gun bar is. That's it. The bar where they sing. Oh, yeah. That's in San Diego. Yeah, we spoke about this. So, I fucked off on Balboa Park on a scooter. Stolen scooter. Stolen scooter.

And I didn't get out of the zoo. We spoke about this fairly recently, I feel. Oh, yeah, we did. I don't know if it was on the podcast. I just not. Anyway. We probably watched since that's the only time we talk. Ah, that is true. We did have a big conversation about mental health the other day, though. I was, since that's the only time we talk. Ah, that is true. We did have a big conversation

about mental health the other day, though. I was looking for the cameras and I was like, is this recorded, is it? Is that backstage yet? Eh,

well then, let's talk about this, right, hold on, so San Diego put on, and if I was to pick a fifth, I'd probably pick Nashville, because I think it's a bit more

of a spectacle for them. Oh, yeah. It's a bit more of a tourist, like, I feel like that's a good... Oh, yeah, I remember. You know, they're whiskey bars and there's country music on.

Yeah, and it was fucking weird as shit. Cowboys with their thumbs in their belt loops, tapping their heel. Right. Where else? There was definitely other places in the fucking... middle I liked. I just can't remember other places.

Oh! Chicago was good yeah I enjoyed Chicago Chicago was the one where like I would like to give them deep dish pizza and just go

look how fucking shit this is and this is what they all talk about the the thing with Chicago is it felt stabby it felt like suck your whole street

no no but it's not even stabby, mate. It's shitty. It's worse. It's worse. It's worse. It's rocket launcher-y and grenade-y.

That was one where we went, because it was a Friday night. You know, we went to go out on a Friday night and we kind of were like, ah, it's a bit feral. It's a bit feral for like how,

like we weren't on that level. We weren't that drunk. And we're like, ah, everyone's on that fucking big night out here but everyone was like hanging in the side bars

and it seemed a little bit like a bit of a backdrop of sirens and that aye so did we not go out in Chicago I think like we went into a

arcade bar and it was just way too busy we couldn't really like get moved we like walked to the back of it and see if like

there was a bit more space and come back out and we didn't really stay out I think god you know in that Alex Ferguson documentary that we watched the other day on amazon prime that is excellent and the whole point of the documentary is him like he had a brain aneurysm and uh and when he woke it he was just immediately like i'm not my memories like i want to make sure i've got all my memories that was so important to him um i reckon i've lost

that oh yeah like how but how much like how much are we expected to be able to remember when life's just such a fucking... You're picked up from one location and put down in another. I know, but... And you've got to try and differentiate. And then that's over the course of one tour and then do that over 11 years.

Aye, but had we not been drunk and stoned the whole time, I guarantee we would remember way more. Oh, aye. Aye. I feel like people can just relate from forgetting stuff on a night out

so if you're like getting drunk and that said this podcast will be fucking built up for listening back to

in years to come you know if you just pick one I always think about that when you die this will be how I grieve or just listen to this

listen to all the jokes that I stepped on it'll just stop you from grieving. He'll get an eye glad he's dead. I'll just sit down there by the river with a bottle of whiskey just crying just listen to the whole podcast of you absolutely snapping at my jokes while Cullen cries beside me just reading through all the pointless arguments you've both had on our WhatsApp conversations. Oh mate he's like a fuck He's on a revolving door in a WhatsApp group. He's fucking in and out and in and out.

He keeps storming out and slamming the door in a WhatsApp group, then coming back in like, one more thing. You can't buy me, I quit. We didn't. You're like a cat. You come in and out.

We just feed you some days. He had an argument with us in a football WhatsApp group right left and then like two days later

I sent him a DM that if I measured it with a tape measure it would have been about a yard long with no punctuation just to make sure that we're cool

in real life which is good it is good it was good I really felt for him because I was like to me that was just a petty argument

in the WhatsApp group I was being pretty vocal about him though I was being pretty vocal about how much of a cunt I thought he was being because I was like fucking

because I was like he tags you like a troll he tags you like a Twitter troll you take this is where you'll be different you

you cannot say somebody's tone in text is anything. There is no tone in text. Any tone you take, it's implied. Any tone you take, you chose to take it that way. Don't get me wrong. You can read things wrong, and sometimes the tone that you guess is correct.

So he'll come out a bit reolic, and I'll go back a bit reolic, and it just feels like there's no respect going in any other direction why would there be you're both arguing about fucking football it makes stuff a bit humorless

and a bit more personal so I that's what me and Ellie used to argue like before we both became much bigger stories and stopped kidding I can't say

I think he's like a keyboard warrior because like there's no way that he'd say the fucking words that are said there like here in person

he absolutely would say it to your face and then you'd hear the tone he that are said there. Yeah, absolutely. What are you saying to your face? And then you'd hear the tone he was actually saying it in and you'd be less angry. Ah, mebbes. Ah. Mebbes. But he does have a problem.

Nah, he's identified that he's got a problem with that because he's hitting nerves with so many people. Because the thing is, like, I'm looking for the jokes in it and I don't see any. I'm like, this isn't even bad, man. But obviously you don't see the jokes in it when you don't have a sense of humour in this situation like you don't show me

if I'm in a bad mood and you show me Bo Burnham I'm not laughing for the entire fucking thing so he sent us a big long message and all that and I was like

I can't come in I saw him the day and I was like I've come to collect me I think that went up properly during a lockdown just the amount of

the amount of the amount of apologies in the world that just went out. Because I imagine so many people were short with each other. People who only apologised once a year for like 10 years went up to like fucking 50 a month. Like just because everyone's been in this, well, in the world where you are in the world, but because of the fucking pressure

the last fucking year and a half of lockdown of being locked in, of people just fucking snapping and as we've said being much more open about mental health problems and stuff, I think the amount of the apologies in the world has absolutely increased Yeah, everyone's skin got thinner Aye, everyone's

skin got thinner but I also think empathy got a little bit higher yeah because I think so many people came off social media for prolonged periods of time because they were like this is not going to help a bit I think yeah I mean I feel like

if you're spending a lot of time on social media in the current climate you're going to be in a bad head space it's also the reason why social media and that includes fucking whatsapp like all of these

are very very they're convenient ways to communicate with people but they're terrible ways to communicate with people because like a lot of it's body

language and tone 90% of conversation is in fucking facial expressions man so you're beside each other and you know what each other fucking

say like it's so crucial to how we communicate and how we develop conversations like you have to be able to see someone to talk otherwise you're just fucking you know guessing it's uh and like it's the reason people are cunts online is because we cannot see each other's faces right if i'm sat with you right now, and we're having an argument about something, right, and I go you're a fucking piece of shit, right? Even if it's just like a micro-expression. Even if you just seem to be disheartened and drop it you change your tone. Yeah.

But if I'm behind a screen and I compose myself and call you something back, you'll just come back twice as hard. And because we're not seeing any of this in the face and we're not hearing any of the fucking, you know, the straining of the fucking tone or because we're looking at any of this in the face and we're not hearing any of the fucking, you know, the straining and the fucking tone or because we're looking at each other and being like, oh, you're not arguing with me about this.

You're arguing with me because things are bad over here and now I get it and because I'm with you, I can empathise, I can look at the situation you're in and I remember that we've had a conversation before this about how your mum's sick or you're worried about finances or fucking whatever. All of that comes in face-to-face conversation. And then you're in fucking WhatsApp

and it's just, you don't know. And it's, well, I should now, but I will call him because I've been sat here when I was living with him for three months, right? I would be sat here and I'd be in a WhatsApp group watching him arguing blind with Matty, right?

And I'd see a dawn on him that he's wrong and he'd be like, oh, fuck I. Oh, I didn't even think about that and then I look at my phone and he's still fighting his corner and I'm like

this is driving Matty insane because he knows you're wrong and he doesn't know that you know that you're wrong

but you're still gone because you can't see your face and just and that's I can see for Matty

I'm like that's really time consuming for him and that's taking energy and all the texts is coming again actually I've been a dick I went in too hard about something I knew nothing about I can see for myself that's really time consuming for him that's taking energy and all the texts

is coming again actually I've been a dick I went in too hard about something I knew nothing about but also the responsibilities are on the other side

you can't get annoyed you can't get annoyed if you don't let people annoy you sorry I said it while being annoying while scrunching a Velcro into the mic on a podcast

I'm just a fidget and until they come up with a silent fidget spinner there's nothing I can do did you buy a fidget and until they come up with silent fidget spinners there's nothing I can do did you buy a

fidget spinner no I played with plenty like whenever somebody else had one I'd be like oh let's put

whatever Hammy because you know Hammy he's a big fucking nerd he had like really really

good like fucking metal ones that he'd found on the internet because he knows the best like corners of the internet to find niche little fucking things i just remember being stoned at his and like i get it like if i was it's twiddling your thumbs hi it's just making eyes twiddling

your thumbs i used to like having a yo-yo with the clutch there's a big phase where they come on well you can do the fucking tricks with it and you like you you wipe it down and it keeps spinning at the bottom. Right. I used to have one of them when I was a kid. I think the best I ever got to was I could do the... Cat's Cradle. Yeah.

Yeah. Is that what it's the triangle? You make a triangle and you swing it through. You just need to make sure it's still spinning. God, that was cool. Walk the Dog. You could do Walk the Dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We could do a... We could do Pokemon but that was just we'd spin it and then just throw it at each other what are the like things

like fad things obviously the Tamagotchi pet Pokemon cards Pokemon cards oh we've got stickers we've got Euro stickers we do they've been like

the omnipresent thing of like a carry around with your fad do you mind we've talked about this a bit the other fad do you remember back in the days pogs when you could win

prizes in crisps and when you just get your fucking prizes in cereal boxes man like I know people died but come on

did people choke on them like probably it must be that must be the only thing that happened why else would they take that joy away? Even if it passed the standard,

it would probably get pulled on the single-use plastic type thing now, wouldn't it? There would be another reason to not do it. There's probably a multitude of reasons. Putting plastic in with your food. I don't know. I would still put them in. I remember

I remember doing the 1998 World Cup right there was in packets of fucking walkers crisps whichever ones there was little fucking

football shields and it was just the 11 from the starting 11 from each fucking team and it was only in like one in 20 crisp packets so it was it wasn't common

but it would be a genuine like fucking Willy Wonka's golden ticket thing I'm like oh fucking hell you know this is in the days

before fucking Amazon private stuff so you'd let them go on to the fucking corner shop yourself I remember the two little old ladies used to work there

we'd be in there buying fucking lots and lots every for like fucking 50p god I sound old oh god

I'm gonna have to stop I'm like reminiscing I've just I've just hurt myself and I'm like who do I recognise as I'm like oh this is the I'm a little bit like reminiscing I've just I've just hurt myself and I'm like who do I recognise I'm like oh this is the stand-up

I hated when I was 18 I'm just doing the stand-up I fuck all these fucking old cunts what was it I used to get in the cereal

which is like I remember the Kellogg's you would get reflectors that you put on your face at one point there was Pogs and Crisps man can you remember

the more tantric click the tokens and you sellotape the tokens to the coupon? So you get like a cereal and you get like the coupon on it and there's tokens on the back. You see the Weetabix, right? And you get like the two of the tokens, but then the next time you get a box of Weetabix, you get the tokens of that one as well and put them in.

And you get like kind of bigger prizes like that you wouldn't normally get with the Kelloggs. It was like these cars like the only kind of classic cars are like old tea trucks from the 50s and stuff but they're like models having to send away for stuff occasionally I think at least did it had all you know like the The Tetleys characters Aye they did Like Hal Stanley And Sid and that Aye And they were all like

Going fucking keychains Or stuff Aye Kind of like Plastic rubber type I guess the only thing That's like that nowadays Is like the fucking

Compare the meerkat Fucking dolls That you get from An insurance company Aye Is that like Is that merch Other than I've have to sell them?

Or is that free and you've got to redeem it? I don't know, but that's a really, really bad sign of fucking capitalism when your infant child that should not know what taxes is is asking for the mascot of an advert. For insurance. For insurance. That's just horrible peak level capsules and we need

to burn it like if you have bought your child that fucking beer cap obviously in your head you think that's good parenting they're happy but that's not a good sign of the times that we're living in you know when we talk about we've had this conversation on and off the podcast throughout the last six years it'd be like having fucking Ronald McDonald

on your chemo bag, man. It's like, why is this sponsored? Like, this shouldn't be fucking crossover. So the thing about what we're doing now that is going to be

looked back at as abhorrent when we're a generation ahead. Like, you look back and go, oh my God, they used to hit children. Oh my God, they used to send children to work. You look at that. I think we'll be going, oh my god, they used to hit children. Oh my god, they used to send children to work. You look at that, I think we'll be going, oh my god,

we used to advertise to children. Aye. Like that is something where we're like, no, we used to influence tiny minds to get them to nag their parents to spend money. Aye. Fuck off. I agree that we should get there, but we won't because those kids

will just grow up and be absolutely fine with it. And we'll all eventually, the opposite will happen. We'll all just not see anything morally wrong with it in the future. You know when they go like, oh, my dad used to hit me and I've turned out all right. No, you don't. You're like, no, you're booing someone, taking the knee. You're an angry man.

You grew up angry. My parents hit me and I turned out absolutely fine. No, you didn't. You think it's okay to hit kids. Your existence has proved that it doesn't

work well. What was I saying? So my if you want to backtrack on my point was about the advertising the children

and the yeah things that we think are going to be fucking looked back and found about in the future. Man the children. Yeah, things that we think are going to be fucking looked back and found about in the future. Man, the internet. To watch social media in general? Yeah, absolutely.

There will be a point in the future where we'll just be like, man, we should not have allowed people that much fucking freedom. The anonymity. They never, nobody should have ever been allowed that much anonymity.

Nobody should be allowed to be that vulnerable to like how we communicate with each other like there was no there's no way we should have been allowed to just directly communicate with each other with and just say whatever the fuck we like that should never have been allowed like of course

it shouldn't have that is insane I was talking to Mark Nelson a couple of podcasts back about when there's a lot of eyes on you at once, there's a primal thing that kicks in that makes you feel like that you're going to be attacked and going to become food. And that's why a lot of people are scared of public speaking because the primal part of you is kicking in and being under the judgment, the collective judgment of that many of your peers.

You're in trouble if there's that many eyes on you. Social media does that, yeah, but without the eyes? Like, yeah, you're still getting the judgment of many people every time you put something out there. That's, like, showing your throat. Aye, and they just get to be fucking anonymous with their fucking attacks. Aye, there should never be a direct line

in a stranger's inbox where you can say anything and it can't get traced back to you. No, man, you shouldn't be allowed to anonymously say something to anyone except politicians. Like, understand, I think death threats are important, but everyone a politician gets, fair enough. Well, not every politician, that's not true. I just, the thing with politicians is the best people aren't doing it because if you want to be a politician, you're going to be a treacherous one. Aye. I think you should be like Judy Dewey.

Aye. When you're just going, oh, I've got to, oh, fuck. I'm a Chancellor of the Exchequer. I don't know what that means. I'm going to have to Google it. I think I've got to do the budget. This is going to be lit. No, because I think at that point,

here's what would actually happen, right? If any of us were to find out that we're going to be a chancellor of the ex-chequer next year, I'm going to be like, man, I'm going to have to ask some experts what to do here. And no politician has ever done that.

Me as a member of the public, I'm going to be going like, I'm going to, oh God, I'm going to have to ask a bunch of people. I'm probably going to be going like I'm going to oh god like I am I'm going to have to ask like a bunch of people I'm probably going to get a team together for this it's not just hey I went to school

with him and now he's him huh I like that Matt Hancock guy like he doesn't have a clue what he's doing like you can just see

you can see by his demeanour that he's fucking chanting it and he just gets away with it man I don't understand how he's he's like Mike actually for me this is I man. I don't understand how he's...

He's like my character for me. I don't know how I get able to go out in public at all. Do you have to be a psychopath? But how do you not... Are you not as hated as I think you're hated? Matt Hancock can just

go out to a pub and nothing goes wrong all the time. And in his circles is he surrounded by people who are just telling him he a pub and nothing goes wrong all the time and in his circles is he surrounded by people who are just telling him he's great and that is he like is he

like because Mike Ashley probably is he's probably surrounded by a bunch of fucking guys like the Wetherspoons man you know

he's probably like surrounded by this inner circle that like fucking have got some kind of string on his money and he's got some level of power over them

so he probably walks through his life thinking he's class. Even though there's a whole fucking city of people who fucking hate him. And everybody else who knows what he's like by proxy. And anybody who knows the way he treats his staff in Sports Direct and all that. Everyone hates him. But in his bubble...

He's this own guy I bet he says he sells the fucking King Dingaling he's got billions people around him want a piece of it has he got billions

aye billions aye my gosh he's got billions he's a billionaire aye god that's way worse for you I thought the exciting

thing was if you were getting taken over that it was the fact that billionaires were coming in I didn't realise it was just billionaires who were willing to spend their money and look hey mate

I know it's very anti-football but as somebody who supports a team won by an evil billionaire it's fucking class I bet it is oh man do you know how many champions leagues we've won

do you know how many European trophies we've won in the last 10 years? Oh God. Look, yeah, we're racist. Because I'm a bit older than you. I watched Chelsea

the 10 years before that and it wasn't looking great. You know, he's had a couple of good footballers, Zola, Violi, he's all right. I've watched all the highlight reels.

You've done your history lessons. Aye. I'm not going to pretend I was there for them. It's so funny how, I will get on my fucking high horse about moral virtue and all that but it's so funny when it comes to football like I can blink on myself

like the World Cup in Qatar I understand there's bloodshed to make them stadiums oh yeah like there's again not only is there bloodshed to make the stadiums but at no point should Qatar ever revoke the World Cup since it's not a footballing country.

There's slavery involved. Aye. These people had their passports revoked, so they have to work to live. Aye. Literal slave labour. I think it's an average of four people died per stadium made. Do you know the lie about the temperature?

Aye. Because if it's over 50 degrees if it's over 50 you're not allowed to work aye so it's never been above 49

yeah yeah and that's on the news because the government on the news did as well like aye am I going to miss

a kick of the ball at the World Cup no what the fuck I can't wait to buy the stickers what the fuck is that

why can't we just go nah stickers! What the fuck is that? Why can't we just go, nah, we're not watching the one in Qatar. I mean, we absolutely... We're equipped with enough information. Tell you what, tell you what, if Scotland don't qualify, I certainly won't. You still will? No, maybe I won't.

Maybe that'll be... Listen to me. Daniel, it's going to be over the Christmas. Why? It's going to be over the Christmas why it's going to be in the festive period like you know what if the boycott

got a head of steam I'd fucking jump on the cart I'd bandwagon it isn't it I would but I'm not going to be the only one

quietly missing it on the world cup man I would I would be the same as you but I'm also man I'm having going to be the only one quietly missing it on the World Cup. Man, I would be the same as you. But I'm also, man, I would have the shirts. I'd be like, boycott the World Cup. I'm still watching every kick of the fucking ball. And I'm placing bets. And I'd have to do it on a different account, though,

so people wouldn't know. You're on the betting account, knowing that millions of fucking lives are ruined because of gambling on your phone that you know was fucking made in a factory with suicide nets. And you're like, yeah, bet aware this is all so evil and I'm very much against it. And you're like, how the fuck

do I even navigate morally through this world? Right, I understand that the world is impossible to navigate through morally. You can do your best in the issue, say it around vegans, etc. But even the escapism is immoral. That's how I escape from the world. Aye.

And I just lie about it. Just fucking watch it. It's not our fault. It's like people that fucking complain about people that do coke and they go, oh, you know, that fucking complain about people that do coke and they go, oh, you know, the amount of vegans

that do coke, right? You know, you're fine with, you're not fine with what goes on with animals, but you're fine with fucking, you know,

the amount of people that die in the coke trade. It's like, look, I would do legal coke if it was available, right? The reason the coke trade

is as bad as it is, isn't my fucking fault i bear no responsibility for it like it could be made if you were to legalize it and regulate it all of that would fucking stop you didn't it's like piracy right you're never going to stop piracy i want this movie how are you going to get it to me we're not right i'll get it myself you're never going to stop these things happen. You have to learn to work with them to profit off of it. Yeah, make it so that there's a justifiable way, a way that you can do it above board.

All these things you should be able to do above board. Make it legal, or I'll find an illegal way to do it. And that's just the rules for most of the population. Yeah. And I mean, they've done it with smoking and gambling. These are things that shouldn't... They can make money off of it. these are things that shouldn't really be

legal as far as the way drugs aren't legal they shouldn't be in the same bracket well no we've got to have our freedoms there should just be more care I'm on your side I want more freedoms they should regulate a lot of it

more freedoms with more aftercare because again that's what healthcare should be a lot of it more freedoms with more aftercare because again that's what healthcare should be we're going too socialist at this point

and all the taxes from the drug trade would be fucking it would be able to sort out

people that were having problems but you know what man look let's just go fucking

jerk each other off with our libertard tears while watching the world cup in

Qatar look we're all hypocrites go fucking jerk each other off with our leptard tears. While watching the World Cup in Qatar. Aye. Look, we're all hypocrites. That's where I'm getting at. But you the most. All of us. Me and you, I mean. I'm not talking to the listeners.

They're fine. Maybe we're their... We're like the evil thing that they listen to. What would be the unethical thing about listening to Muggins and Cream two more white men with a podcast

yeah well done propping up diversity guys at no point should we have a platform like let alone one that people beg to listen to hold on can I talk about this Marlena our agent Gareth Waugh's agent put Gareth Waugh up for

I don't know if we can tell this one can we not no why I just don't think we can okay somebody else's agent no

put it she claimed his ethnicity was Scottish on a thing alright and that's as far as we aye and that's as far as we're going to go that's as far as we're going to go aye

but I'm I'm not I'm not being Marlena you're Scottish and ginger aye anyway that is diversity

your dad shoves his hand up his own ass to use himself as a puppet to have the courage to ask your mum for two sugars in his tea. Your dad booed the people that were booing the players taking the knee, but I'm not going to lie, it just sounded like he was joining in.

Your dad saw some neighbours growing their hair out long and then cutting it for kids going through chemo, and your dad was so inspired and he's now growing out his toenails as long as he can. To donate to cancer kids? Wow, dad. I don't think he gets it.

No, he doesn't. Definitely doesn't. I don't even think your toenails fall off when you have chemo. I don't know. Honestly, never checked. But next time I see someone in a bandana I'm going to wrestle off their socks your dad gaslit me into thinking I was leading him on because I was constantly staring open mouthed

at his crotch your dad mutes the news when a woman's doing it your dad said he hoovered the entire house but all he really did was stand on the room when a woman's doing it. Your dad said he hoovered the entire house, but all he really did was stand on the roomer with a cup of coffee. Roomba. I left out the Bain in that. Roomba.

Your dad is toxic to the postman. I shook your dad's hand once and he tapped out. I shook your dad's hand once and he tapped out. Your dad measures the depth of the bath with his erection and that's why you trained to be a lifeguard. Your dad climbed into a marigold rubber glove with his arms and his legs and the fingers and his cock in the thumb and he did all of the dishes in the bathtub.

While checking the bathtub. While checking the depth. That was a podcast. It was. And Thursday's episode is going to be you and Colin. Aye. Yep. And don't worry listeners, we'll not be listening to his side of the argument because nobody cares.

No one has ever cared. No one reads his messages, they're too long. Bye. Bye.