Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.24 The Big Day

Episode Date: June 16, 2021

Cream's beloved Scotland have their fellas football team in a major tournament for the first time in 23 years within an hour of this recording. Muggins joins him with the hangover from England's win yesterday.  There's a very funny story about a builder who doesn't know what day it is. 

We have just recorded a podcast from Daniel's house on the biggest day of his adult life. Scotland are about to play in a major tournament for the first time since Daniel was seven years old. He's very excited about it. So I came over and we got this podcast in the can before any dreams are ruined or before the wheels come off the bus, if it goes well. So enjoy the podcast. Check in on the results just to see how it went. And thank you to everybody who signed up to Patreon you've driven the podcast, you've

gotten it this far, so thank you for all of the support and everybody else that's listening to this on Spotify or iTunes or Podbean, consider signing up to our Patreon, get an extra episode every week and some other bonus stuff and enjoy And enjoy. up in the park kiss kiss kiss or am I just being cynical just muggled it up on fucking mugglopedia where have you been since 9-11

you arrived late and didn't do your homework didn't you have you started the podcast where I'm writing me dad jokes just saying you arrived late you arrived late

you arrived late and you hadn't done your homework I thought I could teach his bed here no not the teacher no no you know what turning up at school doesn't mean you're teaching his bed it just makes you a student and you hadn't done your homework. I thought I was the teacher's pet here. No, not the teacher. No, no.

You know what? Turning up at school doesn't mean you're a teacher's pet. It just makes you a student. Like if you turn up early, you're the teacher's pet. This guy's late. You are late. Fucking late. I got smashed yesterday.

Uh-huh. It's the Euros and there's a football game on. By the way, Merry Christmas. Aye. This is probably the biggest day of your life since I've known you. And I have been with you the day of your

first ever DVD recording. Yeah. When I ran into your room and jumped on your bed and banged my head on the ceiling. Remember that? Oh, yeah. Where we were like,

here's a camera. If you wake up before me, it doesn't matter if you're different, but if you wake up before me, come and get a video of you waking us up just in case we do any kind of bonus footage. Did I ask that? Ah, you were 19. Oh, okay. You know, and get a video of you waking us up just in case we do any kind of like bonus footage

did I ask that? ah you were 19 oh ok you know you were a bit of a muggle hadn't discovered what muggles are yet but I hadn't self reflected on this

but what bed was I in because I wasn't living in a car scoop then you weren't car scoop because you were in the room that I would normally have been in and you lived with Ali aye

so you were in the room that I stayed in because you hadn't turned the downstairs living room into your room yet so pure low ceiling ah it was

it was an underground dungeon of sex and drugs and then I took it over and it became a church so I was like, oh, I'm up sharp. I'm thinking he's up yet.

I set the camera away and I ran into a room and I jumped on the bed as if it was like we're just children on Christmas morning. I would have been 25, 26. He would have been 19, 20. I fucking jumped on your bed

instantly, first bounce hit the ceiling. To be fair, I bet that cheered me up to no end like you in physical pain would have been like that's better than coffee for me you didn't see me jump on the bed above your head you just woke up to me lying in your bed groaning

you were like what happened last night do you not fucking remember so when I got for the recording of Dark once we got the Netflix deal obviously Jigsaw had still been filmed in Australia so that was already

but Dark was the one that we had to film afterwards and it was in LA and flew you out because I wanted you there because it was obviously a big moment in my life but like this was like so obviously because this is the Netflix recording this is pre-Netflix so my financials

were very very different so you, me, my mum, my dad and Marlena all had to share one fucking like two bedroom apartment yes so my mum and dad

were obviously in a bed together because I think they've earned that right after all these times I disputed that for ages I didn't think that was fair you're like Martin come on I got to share a room with Daniel and the rest of you get to share a bed because I think they've earned that right after all these times. I disputed that for ages. I didn't think that was fair. You're like, Martin, come on. I got to share a room with Daniel and the other two get to share a bed.

Marlena was on the couch in the living room and you and me were sharing a bed and we went out and obviously the night before we get fucking get a little bit stoned or whatever because we're in LA and it's legal and you fucking snored all night. And I remember, I'm like, it's my fucking fucking it's my Netflix

recording today I kept trying to fucking roll you over you're like oh sorry mate straight back down and then I got like three or four hours

of very interrupted sleep you know it's totally bullshit for like for you is Natalie said I'm so glad you don't snore

and this is somebody that sheds bed with us all the time I'm so glad you don't snore and this is somebody that shares bed with us all the time I'm so glad you don't snore yet you say I snore which means I only snore for you or

she's a heavy sleeper or it's when I'm cunted aye and I spend more time cunted when we share a room like we're not aye

we're not sharing a room on moments where we're not getting fucking hammered or whatever yeah aye I don't think we've so we share a room like we're not we're not sharing a room on moments where we're not getting fucking hammered or whatever yeah I don't think we've sober shared a room I don't think we've ever sober shared Kai

Kai I know you're staying over tonight but what's my girlfriend called Cara she's not even mad that you forgot her name she's mad that you're

some girlfriend when she listens to this I keep fucking doing that on stage I keep just calling her my girlfriend I'm just that takes a while but it's a girlfriend when she listens to this I keep fucking doing that on stage I keep just calling her my girlfriend I'm just that takes a

while but it's also because like I proposed to her during COVID and you don't really meet new

people during COVID so at no point am I like this is my fiance you're not introducing her aye so

normally whenever I've introduced Cara to someone I've introduced her as my girlfriend and it's only now

that I'm on stand I'm doing stand-up again and I'm talking about my relationship that I have to now that I'm on stand that I'm doing stand-up again and I'm talking about my relationship that I have to go oh yeah no my fucking

but I hate saying fiancé on stage just because you know it's just it's just one of them French words that doesn't have a translation like I don't like saying bourgeois

you know what I mean no it's it's just the fact that it's just like it just gets it's one of those fucking everyone just gives it a round of applause

and you're like she might be abusive like don't like I might have been gaslighting to this this might have been blackmail who knows what's going on here

but they just you get that fucking yeah the amount of engagements that you broke up with with Jigsaw aye like they weren't they would have gotten

a round of applause too even though they clearly didn't work aye and also that's the other reason the amount of fucking people that watched Jigsaw

and absolutely missed the fucking point where they're just like it's an anti-relationship special. It's anti-love. And I'm like, there is literally a three minute rant in there how I talk about that I know that love is real. This Jigsaw piece fits. That's the point in the Jigsaw. I know, but I don't want to say that on stage because that's

fucking... It is gay. But, like, gay in the good because that's fucking it is gay but like gay in the gay in like the good way the reason it's gay is because it's really open and kind and honest and emotionally available it's gay you should be celebrating that

but it's still a toxic part of you that's like I don't want to be seen to be open and there really is I mean it's our fault that it's ingrained to ourselves well I mean obviously you pick up

that fucking you know using that term in a disparaging way when you're in primary school or high school it's recognising

that sort of stuff in you as well you know something I recognise in myself all the time that's sexist right is

I could have two friends that are married right and I'll often in conversation refer to one of them as my friend's wife. She's my friend too. She's sometimes my friend more than the other one.

But it's almost like my psychology defaults us to boys are friends. Yeah, boys are friends. And every girl I know, I keep her in arm's distance because I've only got the one close to me, and that is my wife, who is my property, I may add. Yeah. You sometimes have to me and that is my wife who is my property I may add. Yeah. You sometimes have to unpick that psychology from yourself and it's like fucking...

It's like society's fault but you're part of society so it's also your fault and you've got to be the change. Aye. I do. I do find myself... My thing with the homophobic terms

is that's a very fine line of like, I know I use homophobic words in private to my gay friends. You are the heterosexual version of a white guy who's got far too many black friends and got comfortable. Aye. Got comfortable in the culture and just adopted the terminologies that aren't yours. And then occasionally it slips out on a podcast or when I'm speaking and then it's this horrible thing

where it's like, I can't justify the use of it. It's horrible. If you grew up fucking gay in high school and you hear all these people just throwing it around as a fucking insult, at the age of 30 30 I'm still contributing that but that's because you've got a bunch of guys

who have given you a pass and the pass just doesn't extend outside of that group yet you're like flashing that pass in other groups aye so if you've got your gay card

I've got a gay card what I'm trying to say is it's gay people's fault that I say homophobic yes yes and you know what if you poofs

could just rein it in for a bit maybe I'd be more progressive just be stricter aye come on don't

stop letting me get Rhys Nicholson stop letting me call you faggot for the love of god stop it I shouldn't be allowed to

it makes me I just get too confident with it oh so that's my the reason, obviously, historically, faggot is a horrible word.

Yeah, I think you need to suck a dick now, by the way. You're right. So even just now, in that podcast, in this context, what I'm saying is,

don't just fly. I'm not going to suck a straight dick. That's not reparations. Like, if I have to suck a dick for every time I'm homophobic I'm going to suck gay people's dicks

like that they're the ones I'm apologising to maybe that is the way maybe that is the way it should work like if I ever call if I ever

if a homophobic thing slips out of my mouth in company in front of a gay person who's not given me the gay pass I've got to not a closure

can I give them a wristie because I'm not going to be and that's for them I'm not going to be good at sucking dick but I'll wank them off like nothing else

would your heart be in it though would you be like looking away in that you know what if it was would you be giving them prostitute love

if it's a rule I've made for myself and it is and I'm treating it as reparations when I'm just like I'm really sorry

I used this term and obviously so every time a homosexual thing slips out of your mouth the homosexual thing has to slip in your mouth yes that's the rules

aye it's one in one out yeah it's a nightclub policy but yeah you are wearing the right shoes and they are wonderful I think I would be

very very like if a gay guy was just like I was genuinely very very upset by you using that term in front of me and just me

grovelling apology and he's like but to be honest with you I'm a fan and I'll forgive you if you give me a hand job I wouldn't look at him nah

nah left hand what make it feel like someone else is doing that maybe but again maybe we

should just do this with everything now every now every time I say something sexist I have to do

something nice for Cara or my mum or just every time we do something sexist every time or just every time we do something sexist every time

I refer every time I refer one of my friends as my friend's wife I've got a finger blast Natalie or

your friend's wife if that's okay with them because again it's the person you insulted that deserves the and it's also the person

you're fingering that gives you the permission ah of course that's the consent's always important through all of this, by the way. We're not just

dishing out second base without making sure. I'm snotting. I took a drink of your water. I didn't want to laugh me water all over your tech. You can use those

antibacterial wipes if you want. You know what my grandad used to call his shiny sleeves as an ode to grandad Pete no he's not so I'm gonna don't talk while you're away from the mic I'll talk while you're away from the mic I'm gonna track this conversation back because

on the note of fiancé I was also there on the day that you proposed right so I was there on your DVD as you mentioned I was there recording the Netflix I was also there on the day that you proposed, right? So I was there on your DVD. As you mentioned, I was there recording the Netflix. I was there when you got the message when we were in Sofia, and we were backstage in Bulgaria. Oh, about the Netflix. And you got the Netflix special confirmed.

It's all signed. It's in the bag, right? And that was a big day for you. You cried like a baby. I got the Netflix special. It was when me and Cara were still like shagging in secret because of the whole

family situation and it was like because we spent so much on the start of it we were just like, we're just fuck buddies. Nothing's going to happen with this. This was like, it doesn't matter. We can do this because there's no future in this. So there's not going to be any ramifications or consequences.

And then I started developing feelings. I don't know if I started developing feelings before she did, but I started developing them way more openly. I was much more open with her. She was like, what are you doing? Why do you keep coming around to my house when I'm on my period? Like, that's not, that's outside the time. What are you doing?

I keep sharing moments with me in text messages yeah this isn't flirting this is confiding aye so apparently I phoned her and I told her about

the Netflix too and she was just like I have no fucking idea why you told me that well bitch it's because one day it would pay for your house

and then aye because she was you didn't even though you would have you would have had a she was you didn't even though you would have you would have had a plus one you didn't bring that to my wedding because it was still

under wraps then like it was quite like quiet at the time like I knew you were meeting up with her but I didn't know how quite seriously you were taking her but you give like a blow by blow

count of the wedding to her on the text and I didn't even realise that you were like relaying it back to her all the time because I said it in the videos I mean there's so many good videos from that wedding.

There's the one, I think it's like the day after. Oh, no, it must have been the day before your wedding. We'd all gone out for a big meal down the beach somewhere. There's a video of me and Cullen doing the spaghetti scene from Lady and the Trump. Trump and the Trump. But with one of them, not a spaghetti, but like a twisted fuseli. Oh, and Cullen's neck rotates all the way you know

you know how like owl heads turn 360 like round horizontally it comes through aye it's dead weird it's something to do

with like his snake like neck that can happen so yes I was there on the morning you proposed when you got your

Netflix special the DVD deal you got your Netflix special the DVD deal you record your Netflix all the big moments of your life the day I got engaged I mentioned that that was the first one

off the bat I feel like this is the biggest day in your life since I've known you Scotland versus the Czech Republic Scotland versus

the Czech Republic I'm fucking stoked for it I know and again for people that think this is going to be football chat this is but it's also not we're not going to go into analysis against this Czech Republic. I'm fucking stoked for it. I know. And again, for people that think this is going to be football chat, this is,

but it's also not. We're not going to go into like analysis of this, but just to give a backstory, Scotland have not qualified for a major tournament since I was... 1998.

1998 when we were in the World Cup. You were seven. Yeah. Probably not even football sentient. Like aware that something was happening. I was because, so I remember the games because... So, we had a French au pair.

Now, the audience there didn't see that. There's another one, like, Biot-Rechard and Fiancé. Oh, thank God. There's... Yeah, we had an au pair, but it wasn't really an au pair. My mum, because she does so much stuff with the UN,

and she works with so many people from around the world, she really got on with this French guy and he was like, my son is 17 and he's doing English at university in Paris and he needs to do like a couple months abroad in the UK to learn English and to do better in English. So this 17 year old-old, right, who was living in France as they were the host nation for the World Cup that they went on to win, got shipped out to Scotland. Yep, yep. Wow.

He comes over. Worst parents ever. Aye, aye. But he's got to get his fucking degree. He comes over, and it's because Josie was still around then, right? So my mum just needed a little bit of extra help around the house. Now, Cedric, his name was, from my memory, I think he was quite good with Josie.

My mum talks about how useless he was at some points, but he was a nice little person. He'd pop a tiara. He'd just fucking weekend at Barney's with her. He was a fucking hate of the cunt, right? Because he would cook the worst food and he would cook

like French stuff. He would make us go down to the beach and pick up the fucking little fucking sea snails. Oh, periwinkles. Aye. And they would come back

and cook that at 9pm past my fucking bedtime. So I would just be starving all the time. And then whenever he fucking did cook, it was all this fucking shite stuff.

He wasn't a real old bear. That's a wild move for a 17 year old that's like a grandad move that my grandad would do stuff like that

get me that but for a child optionally because he's a child optionally but to me he was such an adult so that was when

the France World Cup was on Scotland's first game was against Brazil Brazil scored first in the fourth minute Scotland got a penalty still in the fucking first half and I think game was against Brazil Brazil scored first in the fourth minute Scotland got a penalty still in the fucking

first half and I think I think it was John Collins that scored it and then Brazil went on to win it 2-1

but that Scotland versus Brazil for us to even as a seven year old you're aware of Brazil I was technically a Brazil fan because

R9 yeah like oh fucking like old Ronaldo yeah fucking yeah so that would have been like Rivaldo Cafu

yes yeah Romario that would have been that right am I going too far back no no no I'm pretty sure you're right and then our second game was against Norway

where it was 1-1 so it was a draw and then we lost fucking 3-0 to Morocco so the last time I saw Scotland in any major tournament we still didn't win anything, I've only ever seen Scotland draw in a major fucking tournament

and now against all fucking odds after being so close to qualifying for years and years, Scotland are just consistent underachievers we just never ever gel it never works.

We lose games against, like, fucking Kazakhstan. You play Israel every week. Every fucking time. Every week. And now, after fucking 23 years of how we're in this fucking cup, and we've got, like, a really tough group, because it's England, and it's World Cup finalist Croatia

who looked I mean congratulations on England winning but Croatia looked crap yeah we managed them well I feel and they're an agent

they're an agent team from when they got to the final of the World Cup their best players have got older some of them aren't even there anymore and some of them

have lost their legs it fills me with a little bit of confidence just seeing how they were playing yesterday it doesn't fill me with confidence for playing against you guys but legitimately

all I want out of this fucking tournament is a goal just a goal to celebrate to take the lead

at some point obviously I want to get out of the group obviously I want to get out of the group three points a day would be fucking mint

it would change the rest of my week for sure. It would change the complexion of the game against England. It would take any kind of pressure off Heffern to get something from it. It's a big, big day for you today. I'm buzzing for you. I really am. It's fucking exciting.

I'm so, so, so, so fucking nervous. We've started a little side group where it's just me Gareth and Mark Nelson and we've let Cullen in honorary aye Ireland haven't got a toss in the race man Nelson is

terrified like we're all just in there like it must be great to be an England fan in the sense that like the reason we laugh at you consistently when you go out of competitions is because

you go into every competition going we're brilliant and we're going to win this and we like watching you go from up here to the sudden crushing reality whereas we come at it from the fucking polar opposite side of man a draw would be sick like I'd love

an own goal for Czech Republic just to see us through Aye, I just want to see a couple of corners So, last night I was with you in the morning we played five-a-side with Seven-a-side, aye

Seven-a-side on the AstroTurf while the Geordie boys who are now aged And even though they're all like I was definitely I think I was the youngest person on the pitchroTurf while the Geordie boys who are now aged and even though they're all like I was definitely I think I was the youngest person on the pitch by quite some way aye

how old's Connor yes young Connor's actually he's maybe he's younger than you you're the same you're the same

school yeah as him maybe no I've not played any form of football in about I'm going to say five or six years

but Connor like as I was brought in as a ringer he didn't really play he didn't play played any form of football in about I'm gonna say five or six years but I cut con I like yourself was brought in as a ringer he didn't really play he didn't play for the same pub team as I did and so these but that was so fucking like nostalgic for me man like because I played with them lads when they were young men when they were like in that early 20s and we played for the same pub team we should pop too many goods I would do that right yeah we got promoted one yeah we'll go to a cup final I was the cup final huh you lose the cup lost to the Golden Eagle who are rival like a Darby oh I mean I'll Darby's really in pub football but it was a Darby in that like

it was people from our friends group that didn't play for our team who was the scorer who was the scorer people 1-0 oh that sucks that's not great so em I fucking made you yesterday I made you yesterday you know what I'm gonna give you it

because it happened I'm gonna give you it right you went to make a pass and I fucking dived in right and em it hit

this is why I called it a half meg like one of my feet wasn't on the grunt I blocked I blocked the pass right and it hit off the shin

with the leg that I block hit off my other shin and trickled through my legs and the person that you're trying to pass they eventually collected it I went alright I'll give you

I'll give you that I'll give you that it's a half nutmeg but not the megabit wait it made you nut it was a nut but it was just funny because they're all dads

new whether they know it or not they've all put on a lot of timber they've all got grey hair and that and I was just

like it was just really like it brought a tear to my eye a little bit I was just like look at how he is

the father of them all who was the gargantuan boy the massive lad oh yeah Kevin Smiles he was another ringer

he's a lovely bloke I've only met him a couple of times he's huge isn't he he's a sweetheart but man he is a he's 6 foot 7 aye

right I worked with him at the sports centre so we'd saw him at the gig and I invited him last minute to come join me to play football right because I hadn't seen him

for years right he's 6 foot 7 he's a ex world champion kickboxer. He's 44 now. Right. And he played basketball, like, semi-professionally, I think. He could slam dunk.

I mean, he didn't have to reach up very far. I used to, when I worked at the sports center, I used to practice with his ankle weights on. But he was always quite bandy. Like, he was lanky, right? Right. But now he's filled out. Right.

He's got older. Right. And he's got older. Aye. Now he's just a fucking giant. Aye, I remember just fucking running up the pitch towards him and then just going, I don't know if I'll ever be able to get past this man. Aye, yeah, he's the gentlest bloke, man, when you're tired of him, he's such a sweetheart, Kev. I think you have to be when you're that big. Like, I just think, like, if you've got, like,

such a big physical presence, I imagine it must play in the back of your mind a sweetheart, Kev. I think you have to be when you're that big. I just think, if you've got such a big physical presence, I imagine it must play in the back of your mind a lot where you just go, man, even though I know I'm a sweetheart and I wouldn't hurt a fucking fly, and even though I am a fucking ex-world champion fucking kickboxer, people are still just going

to be intimidated by my side, so I'm just going to have to be big and smiley and nice. You know what, give me an insight to what it's like to be in that sort of, so I'm just going to have to be big and smiley and nice. You know what? Give me an insight to what it's like to be in that sort of position, perrin from the Wheel of Time books. He has to be gentle, otherwise he's too intrusive. So he purposefully reins himself in,

and he's meek because he doesn't want to be intimidating. It's funny watching that personality trait develop in him. Just so you can see the true mixing of me and Kai's personalities there that was Kai

making a Wheel of Time reference during a football talk we have range aye we have range we're far through

the Wheel of Time are you now I'm still barely starting book four alright so for people that don't know any fucking non-nerds out there

but if you're interested in fantasy novels, I love reading fantasy. It's one of my favourite genres. But like the genuine best of all time like really undisputably just because of the size of it

and the story and just the wheel of time books there. Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson. Robert Jordan and Brandon Sanderson. Robert Jordan wrote the first, I think it was the first 12 he wrote and then he was just old and he was sort of on his deathbed. And then Brandon Sanderson

who wrote the Mistborn series and the Stormlight Saga, which are again two other series I highly recommend to people if you want to get into fantasy novels. He sat beside Robert Jordan like on his deathbed and Robert Jordan

spoke about where he wanted it to go Brandon Sands like learned to write in the style that Robert Jordan wrote as well take him a thing

and it's that could have gone wrong so so fucking badly yeah because I saw on Goodreads it's equally as

high rated like that they're like I'm sure it's like 4.8s and 4.9s across the whole series which is incredible

because man you know how precious nerds are about their thing you change one you make one black stormtrooper in Star Wars and half the fucking

community fucking flips off right the end of Game of Thrones we all lost our minds and we'll never talk about it again because it was fucking dog shit

so many times fans just get the community will just fucking fracture because of something that doesn't suit their narrative

that they've built you ruined it you made this I've not heard from anyone that's read the Willow Times

books anyone say that Brandon Sanderson did do a good job which must be like for him

as a fan of the books as well he must feel so accomplished imagine that imagine Dave Chappelle's

on his deathbed and he goes Kai Kai I need you I've been doing a new season of the Dave Chappelle is on his deathbed and he goes Kai I need you I've been doing a new season of the Dave Chappelle show there's two episodes left

and I need you to I need you to do the stuff I need you to do all of mine you've got to do a true Hollywood story you've got to you've got to do

the black racist routine what's his name in that fucking sketch it's something is that the is that the Blaine Blaine Kluxaine's clan leader,

but nobody knows he's black because he's got the hood on. Aye. So it was, I haven't seen that in years. So the Chappelle shows on Netflix. What a sketch. The Chappelle shows on Netflix now. Uh,

and I went back to just watch a couple, cause I, I mean, I, I don't think I'd ever watched the full season. I always, I'd fucking seen scenes from it. I didn't realise that sketch was in like episodes one

of the Dave Chappelle show. And even before it, Dave Chappelle's just, so he does some standup in front of an audience and then introduces the sketches. And he just goes, I showed this sketch to a black friend of mine the other day. And he says, he thinks it's going to set the black community back 25 years.

So here it is and that's on his first episode oh no so getting back to the wheel of time playing football get this right so watching the match with that

so that's what day that we've got planned for the first England game of the tournament right play football with everybody go and get showered have some food meet outside which I can see why you didn't want to join to watch the football

like you could not that was your idea of hell aye you know just the groups of tables of just fucking neck tattoos aye and England tops

and flags and people dressed as St George and all that right aye singing God Save the Queen singing like German bombers in the air and all that right God save the Queen singing like German bombers in the air

and all that you know what though I was dreading that there was going to be booing

on the take the knee because you look around and you could just see a bunch of all lives matter statuses

in the room and when the players took the knee it was only clapping yeah not everybody was clapping there was people not clapping right

but there was only clapping and there was no booing and it made us proper pleased to be a Geordie aye because I was like I saw in Middlesbrough

when it was at the Riverside Stadium the friendlies there was booing in the stadium and I was like oh is that how the north is

because like lack of understanding or something what the fuck but aye I was really pleased because I would have profiled

that crowd aye to have booed even so in Wembley Stadium I think it was like at the start of the knee

there was some booing that was eventually drowned out and then they got drowned out by the sounds of people cheering which is which is great which is

or you think it's the screws turning aye the screws turning the people that are booing are going to feel isolated aye good there you go

like aye aye so it made us think like as Natalie was just like all these men are disgust and like you'd look around

and there'd be like tops are full massive beer bellies tattooed and all that right and they'd be like tops are full massive beer bellies tattooed and all that right and they're just like proud of looking gross right and uh and natalie was like looking around and going oh like danny would hate this this is an idea of hell and all that right but then it reminded us of i was chatting to chris and emma ferguson who come to the gig on in newcastle on thursday and they didn't come to the gig actually becausecastle on Thursday. They didn't come to the gig, actually, because it was sold out, but we had plans with them either side.

I was chatting to them, and I met Emma on my Zante holiday in 2008, and I was there with the Ashton lads, which is like Ricketts and Soppert and that lot, Garvin. So the lowest of the low. Aye, right? So we're on the flight,

and her and her friend, there's just two of them going on holiday on the same flight as us, and they're like, oh my God. In the airport, they're like, I hope we're not on the same flight as these lads. Aye. And then I get on the flight and her and her friend there's just two of them going on hold on the same flight as us and they're like oh my god in the airport they're like I hope we're not on the same flight as these lads

aye and then I get on the flight and they're like oh my fucking god we're on the same flight as these cunts we're absolute assholes right

and get to the transfer bus and they're like oh they're on the same fucking transfer bus there's seven hotels it's not going to be our hotel and they're like oh my fuck

it's our hotel hated we're aye from the inception of their holiday aye till the first morning of the

holiday and ended up still being best friends with her now like still like like brought our now husband to my first

ever gig because she stayed in touch with her she found out what I was going to do it wasn't my

first gig it was my first preview for my first ever show so I met Chris because I started dating

and coming to comedy gigs and then they ended up getting so into comedy So I met Chris because I started dating and coming to comedy gigs when we were dating. And then they've ended up getting so into comedy, like such like in the world that their friends were Tom Stain, Barry Castanola and just through a couple of punch drunks and everything. Like the guy now drinking with like Greg Davies after Barry's opened for him. That whole lifestyle is like around

live events and meeting us on that holiday has actually been quite life changing for the pair of them and they absolutely

profiled us for a full 24 hours thinking that we were absolute arseholes but were they wrong or did they just get used to your arsehole already

you tell me well as someone who's used to your arsehole already you tell me well as someone who's used to your arseholery I think it's what I said so what I was getting at Natalie is like Folly now as a group

this room looks disgusting but every one of these groups of tables could just be like a nice group of lads no could be but

while there's a match on while there's a match on, while there's a match on and there's a little bit of tribalism and they fucking tap into that part of their brain, arseholes. Aye. That's it. I become one of them

because there was like a big group of them that were like leading all the trance and starting all the songs and everything right at the end. They were all like up on the tables. And I just went, I'm just going to go and join them for a laugh, right? That's not the vibe I was feeling at the time,

I was having a good laugh with my mates, we were quite subdued, well maybe it's like a bit long in the tooth, for the way these youngins were acting, right, but I just jumped up, and got my top off, and just mimicked them,

and stood on the table, like waving my top around, I smashed me out, and pint in my face, but I was performing, I was performing for my group of mates on that table allow me to parody this other table

just for an audience of 17 uh huh but um the photos just show me like the photos don't show the context and my mates

were putting the photos of me topless like fucking screaming at the top of my lungs on a table parodying these youngins and I it just looks earnest in the photos.

Not to change the subject too much. What does long in the tooth mean and why? I don't know the etymology, but what it means is like your past it kind of thing. Where does it come from? I'm going to guess horse. What, the teeth get longer on an older horse? Maybe.

Like they don't stop growing on a horse? Aye, that's going to be my pulling out of my arse guess. Right, okay. Ooh, I think that's a good shout because I can't think of any other avenues that it could go down and I wouldn't have actually thought of that one. No. But yeah, what it does mean is like,

you know how you are a bit long and they're tooth for staying up till six in the morning now? It is horses. The phrase long in the tooth is believed to originate from horses, or more specifically horses' teeth, because the older a horse gets, the longer their teeth become. So it's possible to give an approximation for how old a horse is simply by looking at their teeth. So yeah, if they just don't want to be ridden anymore and they're not going to jump fences anymore just because they're long in the tooth.

Yeah, there you go. That's where that comes from. See? It's not just a football podcast. I mean, it's not. That is one thing we have to sort of explain to the listeners of the podcast is there will be football chats.

It's the same as we talk about books, man. Some people don't read that listen to this but there'll be some football chat until next Tuesday when Scotland are knocked out and then we'll stop doesn't matter how far

England get just get on board with it for this point there's a major tournament on and Scotland are in it so this is something

football related but not football related so stay on it people stay listening my friend Kat who people stay listening my friend Kat who I lived with my friend

Woodsy's girlfriend yeah even though I met Woodsy through Kat nine years after I first met her oh she mean Kat

my friend Kai's wife's friend yes yes I know her yeah yeah yeah Natalie's friend Kat

my friend Kat cat my friend cat my friend cat and Woodsy got back from the England game right it's like 8 o'clock because for reference the game kicked off at 2

the game kicked off at 2 right so they get back and as they're getting back there's a builder there with his van and his wagon right

and he had to do a kitchen right and he's like he had to do a kitchen before he had to do it tomorrow he's likeging right we had to do a kitchen right anything yeah yeah before you do tomorrow he's like no no it's today eight o'clock today eight o'clock tomorrow and the fucking that I'm gonna back before I can't what the fuck's going on here yeah I was like no I expect you tomorrow morning like now it's this morning and that's when the penny dropped good nuts this morning this morning he went this morning it's fucking 8 o'clock at night man

this builder had got cunted watching the match right aye and I finished it like 4 yeah ish

aye passed out passed out blind drunk aye woke up saw the daylight looked at the clock

it's like nearly 8 o'clock. Half seven. Panicked. Unknowingly drunk drive because he thought he'd been asleep for 12 hours. Oh, God, I hadn't even considered that side of things. Yeah, shit, there you go.

Hoodwinked himself into drink driving and pulled up at this house and thought they were the mental one for saying that it was the morrow. It argued with him. And the bloke had to just have the penny drop, as he realised it's just a couple of hours after the match. And he went to his morning's graft.

And Ali's working out, and he's still talking about boots to pull that kitchen hood. And currently, because I've got an update off him this morning, he's currently sheepishly in the kitchen, day in the graft. New. I would have loved to have... Do you know what he said when he realised? Was he just like, oh God.

So Woodsy texted a previous commentary from his mate's WhatsApp group. So let's find that. What he said to them. I was like, we weren't expecting you till tomorrow. He said, nah, I'll just get it cracked out

this morning. And I was like, Steve, you know, it's Sunday night, right? And he straight up didn't believe me till he looked at the date on his phone.

Oh God, poor bloke. Like, I've been fucking... Poor bloke, but also, in a way, is that not kind of...

You know those moments, right, when you're sleeping and you fucking, for whatever reason... Let's say you've got to wake up at seven in the morning because you've got a flight. You go to bed at 11 and you wake up at some point in the morning and you go, if this is half six, I'm going to be so sick.

See if I've woken up half an hour before my alarm. Like, there's nothing worse. That's got a horrible feeling of, I've just interrupted my own fucking sleep and then you roll over and you look at the clock and it says 2.30 and you go

fucking get in you've got hours aye I hope he got a little bit of that like once he got past the initial embarrassment of I'm a big giant idiot who now has to get a fucking taxi home because I'm definitely drunk

I'll just leave the van here, to be honest, mate. I guess Cat was going like, he's left his stuff here, but he's not coming back. Like, that guy isn't going to make it into work. I was thinking, maybe he should respect that he always turns up to work.

He does, aye. If anyone's going to turn up to work tomorrow, it's going to be this bloke. But just to say this morning, she's sheepish, but she's got tons of respect for him. He's a protagiza even though

he absolutely wasn't handling his shit aye he was handling his shit aye he was he did his job he fucking pulled up his bootstraps

and then he got an extra 11 hour kip a lot of people that wake up at 8 in the morning for work right feeling

8pm day drunk would phone in sick. Aye. Aye. That was... Sorry, I can't... And also, maybe you had that thing of, which I imagine lots of people are going to have

during football tournaments, is your boss is never, ever, ever, ever, ever going to believe you're fucking ill after your football team plays. Ever. Even, man, you could legitimately get like long COVID, like stuff that fucking bedrooms you.

If I get, like if Cara, right, just after the fucking game, for whatever reason, she has to go into the office today. Let's say, God forbid, she gets fucking COVID because she's the only one in the house that's not had her fucking vaccine yet.

She wakes up tomorrow that's how young she is alright she wakes up and she's just all groggy and she's tired and she's coughing and she can barely

open her eyes she has to phone up I can't I can't get my today I've got COVID do you fuck no Billy Gilmore scored

two goals yesterday I know why you feel like this yeah no I swear I got vaccinated and I'd never even heard of the type of vaccination

they guinea pigged you they guinea pigged you they just made one up on the spot I've heard of a

couple of them there's the Pfizer and there's AstraZeneca and that and I was like of a couple there's the Pfizer and there's AstraZeneca and that and I was like Johnson & Johnson Johnson & Johnson and now the AstraZeneca

one's like is that the one that's crippling people but I was just like I'm fucking nails me like I'm probably not even short of my radar

that shit I've got I've got you like the Macarena Maradona I think it was called Moderna Moderna

I think Moderna I thought there was only three is that even for Covid is it did that come from your tetanus or something what I've done is I've put some cowpoll in a syringe put it under my mouth so

did you have any side effects you know what I got jabbed with that and they didn't even give us a certificate I didn't get a certificate did you not is that a Scottish thing because Marlene has told us

since that you go on and you can download a certificate oh okay but like Natalie because this is the way I booked it in

I hadn't heard about my thing right I got a message saying I've got to log on to this portal and book me vaccine in and I've done it

and it says there's no bookings available don't ring the number because they just use this system too and I was like i'll check back later and natalie went hey seen this if you text this number or something um it was like saying like i can't remember what it was if you just text this number it'll find your booking on the system and it'll send you it right and i've done that and it centers it and i was like that just feels far too convenient then i went to this place that gives a vaccine i never heard of and didn't get a certificate and i was like that just feels far too convenient and then I went to this place that gives a vaccine I'd never heard of and

didn't get a certificate and I was like Natalie I was like is this a weird scam? Is this the one like we didn't pay to do it so it's not a money thing but are we legitimately

just being tested on unwittingly here? Are we the trials? Did I set up to a trial? I was like I went through a completely different protocol to everybody else to get the vaccine

and then got a vaccine I'd never heard of and didn't get a certificate at the end of it. I was like, ah, whatever. Whatever, I'll just deal with that. I can't remember if I've told this story in the podcast, so do stop me if I did. But after, so when I was getting my vaccine, right, so, because it was just, it was nearby, I just got, and I'd

heard that the queues were long, like, I was about to say Cara's friend Jill my friend but the thing was I was about to say Cara's friend

Jill's boyfriend whereas I should just say my friend Grant like I went through two women to go by Jill yeah that's why you couldn't even

say he was your friend because there's two women in the way but because me and Grant really really get on but because we're blokes and because it's two women in the way. But because me and Grant really, really get on, but because we're blokes and because it's our partners

that are friends with each other, me and Grant don't text each other. We know about each other's lives because Cara will be like, so Jill was saying that this happened to Grant today and that's why I go through. Cara's friend, Jill. Anyway, he was saying he had to wait an hour in the queue

and he was like, fucking take a book or something. It's just going to be dead boring. I'm like, I don't need to take a book. I'll just get fucking baked beforehand. I can stand in a queue and just watch fucking Critical Role videos for the whole time. So I'm in the queue, stoned at my fucking noggin. I'm watching fucking Critical Role

and then just some guy, lovely old man just sort of taps me on the knee and goes, you've got to move forward I'm like oh sorry I go up there and all the staff are really really nice like how are you I'm good and they go is this your first or your second goes my first dose and they go okay and I'd heard all the horrors about like people that AstraZeneca they were feeling tired afterwards, and that's, and I was like, oh God, I really hope I get the Pfizer one,

because I know people have had Pfizer, and they said it's just a sore arm, and she goes, what we're going to do, is we're going to put you down, for the Pfizer one, and what I wanted to say, and what I meant to say,

was, that's lovely, thank you, bye, but what I actually said, was she went, you'll get the Pfizer one, it's just down there,

on the left, and I went love you bye like in front of a cute just you have told us that you have told us that you're fucking what did you do like i don't i didn't man i didn't look you just got the fuck out of there man it's like when you call the teacher mum like you get as far away from that fucking situation as possible and hope nobody fucking that is me just me just dead excited to get me

love you but maybe I made her day I bled quite a bit when she pulled the needle I just bled started trickling through my arm and that was what's this

she just put she just put a leech on top to suck the blood and you're like hold on this definitely is from the COVID fucking trials this is bullshit

aye this is a big fucking gazebo in the woods so you just have a sword arm the next day aye it just felt like I'd been punched on the arm

aye so it was grand it was alright saw someone fucking someone tweeted I don't know how it was it was like

someone had been retweeted and it was day in the rounds with like loads of metal items like blue tack and whatever out of their face like forks and all that with the quote I've just had my vaccine that's my absolute favourite

because everyone's like oh I've just been injected with a 5G or I've got my chip and all that and it's like it's becoming muggly for people to do that man there's a really, really horrible part of me that just wishes COVID was more dangerous

just so that people don't get the vaccine. Die. Imagine that, we just finally had a plague that just killed all the anti-vaxxers. How classed that would be

for the future of humanity. I mean, theoretically that should be all plagues. Aye, but... Really. So it kind of validates the point that that's still here. And also, don't get me wrong I understand people's

like scepticism like if you've got very basic critical thinking skills where they're like well right so like the fucking polio vaccine took like 10 years to make and perfect whatever and I'm supposed to believe that like this vaccine came out in 3 months

I'm like you know there was like I'm going to say a thousand two thousand three thousand scientists working on the polio vaccine over the course of the years because it was well polio is a bad example

because we did have that in the UK but it's a terrible yeah these vaccines these vaccines a lot of these vaccines like well were done in the

fucking 80s in 2021 man it was like a fucking and it was a fucking pandemic man the world was shut every scientist in the world got a fucking bat call and was like a fucking lot of... And it was a fucking pandemic. Man, the world was shut. Every scientist in the world got a fucking bat call and was like,

drop whatever you... No, fuck cancer. It's not about cancer anymore. We need the economy fucking open. Cure this, and that's why. And then they'll be like, and they haven't done a long enough trial

to find out the long-term effects of it and then puff on their vape. Also, I get I get the scepticism but just when there's just that many people that fucking

have had it done at this point where like how paranoid are you that you think 99% of

your friends are lying to you just fucking get it man oh but it's not fully effective man it doesn't matter it's not effective it's a fucking jab in your arm get it and the. Oh, but it's not fully effective. Man, it doesn't matter. It's not effective.

It's a fucking jab in your arm. Get it and the world will open. The sooner we all get it, the sooner we go back to fucking normal. Just do it. Aye. You fucking wimp. We're getting pushed back a few weeks, aren't we?

We're meant to be reopening on the 21st, but I think it's happening in July now. Aye. Is that confirmed yet? No, no, so Bojo's meant to do a fucking thing tonight. But that's for those cunts down south it's not for us we'll be

Nicola's doing one tomorrow we are we're like way more cautious yeah we very much use England as the guinea pigs

the canary down the main yeah they're like London's opening up Canary Mill open up no no no no let's see what happens after London opens up

and then we'll decide which sucks for watching people just enjoying themselves across the border yeah but also like you're going well aye and also I should also say that's just there are people out there who fucking because of being high risk and stuff who are

still in some form of lockdown and isolation and fucking fair play to you what a shiter like my deepest sympathies I can well if you're still if you're still isolating and shielding

yeah yeah if you're in a country that's in there's other countries that are still in fucking stricter lockdowns than we are where it's still

fucking tearing through I mean we've definitely got listeners in India where it's fucking rampant so we hope this podcast is offering you some light relief

through this tough time we recommend you sign up for the Patreon and you can get bonus episodes once a week and rewind wednesdays every wednesday and if you're if you're from india i'm very sorry that a lot of stupid people in our country won't take the vaccine that yous are fucking desperate for really shows you just the privilege yeah that's the fucking thing when there's people are just like oh we can't get a vaccine for like fucking love no money thing when there's people that are just like, oh, we can't get a vaccine for, like, fucking love, no money. And then there's people who are just getting insisted on it, having it for free.

And I just say, well, I just don't think... Fucking aye. Have some respect, man. If that's you, have a little bit of respect. Just get a needle in your arm, you fucking gimp. Just do it. That is... We have just done, like, eat your greens. Eat, come on. Eat, there's children starving in Africa. That's it. That is, we have just done that, like, eat your greens. Eat, come on.

Eat, there's children starving in Africa. That's it. Man, I think that tactic, like, that was a tactic that was in the older generation of parenting that fundamentally did not work. Like, forcing kids to eat their food, I think, is, like, fucking smacking. Like, you're like, it worked, you go, it did, it worked, but it gave kids issues. Because my gran, or my mum like, it worked, you go, it worked, but it gave kids issues.

Because my gran, or my mum's idea, who I love fucking dearly, but was strict as fucking shit, right? She was a mother of three and she was a teacher during the 60s and 70s and she lived in World War II

when they rationed things, right? So she was like, you're not leaving the table until you finish that. And I would literally sit there for 90 minutes to two hours. I'd rather sit at this table than eat it.

Aye, aye. But I would just be sitting there just crying over food, being like, I do not want to eat these fucking peas. I hate peas. Just sobbing.

And she'd be like, no, no, no. You know what as well? I still don't fucking eat peas. I bet you there's so much psychology to it, right? You know, when you can, eat them vegetables or you're not I still don't fucking eat peas I bet you there's so much psychology to it right you know when you eat them vegetables

or you're not getting your dessert right you're instantly telling that child that that's bad and that's good I bet you right as a child

if you come up and went finish your dessert or you're not getting your greens like the kids would probably just like they'd go well that's I'm going to leave the dessert

I'm going to eat the greens just give them give them a bit of celery here's a treat and they'll be like oh I guess that's a treat yum yum yum idiots

also colourful stuff just get them fucking strawberries and bloops yeah like what Mario's doing with Sonny's just putting food down in front like put like

an orange in a dummy where it's on the mesh and just chew on it and put like a bit of I can't remember what it was there's a cucumber there's a cucumber just put it down in front of him aye and like he get that and I'll put like a bit of I think I can't remember what it was there's a cucumber there's a cucumber just put a dune in front of him

aye and like he get that and figure out what to do with it I'm not going to like aeroplane it I'm not going to like do anything to force you to do it I'm not going to make you think

it's good or bad I'm just going to put that there I'm going to make you understand that when you're hungry there's things that you can put in your mouth that make you feel not hungry aye

aye I think that's a good one yes aye we saw some babies on we saw great babies we saw I was trying to think what day was it the days are relevant on the weekend

freshly squeezed babies beautifully healthy babies aye so your brother Gav you became an uncle for the second time yes I did Gav had his first one

I fucking melt when I say I'm, I get overcome with emotion. Aye, I mean, she is gorgeous. As is,

she's a canon in my head. I met Can's baby for the first time and I was just like, this is me pal. Aye. You know what I mean?

Like, like, like, like, he loves me pal's mate. Aye. Aye. So like, like, I got a photo of him and me and Can like he loves me pal's mate aye aye so like I got a photo of me and Karen

and I was just like I'm going to have so many good times with these two man like gotta be mint me and Karen were thinking about that so a friend of mine one of my childhood friends

I'm not going to say his name on the podcast yet because they're not they've not announced that they're pregnant yet but they've told us that they are but

they're they're pregnant and but they've told us that they are but uh they're they're pregnant and uh by the time me and cara get married in 2023 this baby which is due later on this year will be like one and a half by the time the wedding's on and obviously the baby's invited to the wedding because um me and cara are like kids can come to the wedding we're going to set up a massive crash but we don't want people that we love not be able to come because their kids who we also love might ruin the thing

we're like no fucking bring all your kids we can give a shit we'll set up a fucking bouncy castle but there's a person that doesn't exist yet that I love to bits

that's going to be at my wedding and that's mad this is what it is it's exactly what it is right with Jack and Hila right

they've they've become front and centre in this group that's hard to get into like I've I've long on the tooth new for making new friends sometimes

like I will make new friends right but as far as like me core group guns I've I've got too much history with people for anybody to fucking jump the queue

on this group of friends right you've got you've got at least a decade's worth of solid being me before you can get anywhere near the top 25 the top 25 of my friendship group right and they have just come into the world and that instantly right at the front and center army world all right they just take priority man and then also oh it's very very better be sound fucking priority man and then also it was very very

we better be sound aye they were the babies when they were at that stage it's the time of I mean I was about to say I feel sorry for the

for the dads obviously the priority of all my sympathy goes towards the mothers and the horrendous like I've heard so many horrific

birth stories in the past six months just because so many of our friends are popping out stuff and there's complications. They always are. All the mothers are now healthy and fine,

but you just hear these... Even the ones that are, like, relatively... And I don't want to use the word easy. Even the ones that are relatively free of complication sound horrendous. But they're just like, so, yeah, baby's head's a bit too big, so we're going to cut your vagina

to your asshole with this pair of scissors. And you're like, fuck, they did what? They did who to what? I'm pretty sure I saw them do that in the Edinburgh dungeon. Like that's something that we out there. That's broken hair.

This is, it's, aye, what women go through and from the stories I've heard. Because man, I had a bit that I really like doing where just after a woman's given birth

to their friends to me and they're talking about it and I'm like can you just be honest with me and it doesn't actually hurt right so it's just like while you're down there the nurse comes in

and she whispers in your ear we need you to make a big kicking fuss about this because it's the only way we can get sympathy out of those rock hard bastards back there so just fucking hammer up if you have you ever have you ever watched animal planet have you ever seen a giraffe give birth do they fucking scream it's the biggest pact of all time it's the biggest pack we're all in on it we're just gaslighting the men into thinking this is shit i've i've really lost the ability to do that bit over the past couple of months you can't even just eat your tongue in your cheek even though you know even though you know

it's not true it's you know it's not true and that's why it's funny right you can't even just eat with your tongue in your cheek. Even though you know it's not true. You know it's not true and that's why it's funny. You can't even just joke about it. It's not for joking about. My three minute stupid skit for my own amusement doesn't trump your 16 hour labour.

Like even close. I got an actual death stare off Natalie for cracking a joke which was clearly a joke but it was about how exhausted

everybody was after their childbirth with like with Khan and Amy and Garvin Alley and they're just in such a daze for the first week

of this child's life because like Khan was going you start the season on minus 10 points the pair of you are just fucking so drained,

that, like, if you started off with a fighting chance of, like, being awake and alert and your decision-making was on point, you'd be fine.

So I guess in that league, like, so what have we learned then? While you're giving birth, I would have to be, like, having a spa day, get some rest, just so that, at least when the baby gets here,

you can get out of bed and I feel fresh as fuck and I put that in there with a fucking just a tongue in cheek joke right but as if I was the joke was

that I'm thinking with the right side of my brain that's logical and rational which because it would be the right thing to be really right

but just even the even the joke of not having solidarity as she went through that was was like she was just looking at us like even if you're joking it's fucking different joke like that i the sympathy i know i was that sounded like i was talking like natalie was pregnant and when you said one of my friends is pregnant but i don't want to say their name yet i just want to make it absolutely clear here. Not pregnant.

Well, I've got some news for you. Natalie probably would tell you first. No, no, it's mine. That's why she would tell you. Fair enough. I was just going to say, I feel really sympathy for dads. In the first month to two months of that baby being born it does not give a fucking

shit about anyone other than mum because that's food it's the life source that's it it's it and as as the and again this is not really comparable to what women go through that's not the comparison i'm making here but like you're so excited you wait nine months you read all the fucking books and you're ready this is ready to be a fucking dad and then there's times when your wife just has to go to bed because she's tired and she's exhausted

and everything and you're just there with this baby just staring at you being like who the fucking shit are you like what's this and Gav I was talking to Gav

you're just a car seat aye you're just the other one that helps occasionally but Gav and Milo had said the same thing as well and he's like

it's the second you get the first smile out of them the second they smile at you the dad and that's after like 6, 7, 8, 9 weeks whatever it is that's when you go oh okay there's now I'm getting more of the fucking instincts here

as opposed to you know there's an exploding ball of shit that cries that thinks I'm a cunt? Aye. Aye, I helped make it, but I keep saying that to him, but he doesn't seem to understand. Aye, my sole role seems to be to keep it away from its food source.

Aye. Yeah, why are you letting her lay down? She's making more milk, you ungrateful little shit. Aye, I can't explain. To everyone that's come out to our shows over the past couple of weeks, thank you very much.

They've been socially distanced in the UK, but fucking hell. Thanks for making them fun. Because they shouldn't be fun. They really shouldn't. The time theatre gigs, the Leeds gigs, the Manchester gigs especially,

they've all just been so... They've been 25% capacity, but the rooms have fucking fell through. You know what? We've looked out from the wings and seen how much empty space there is, even though it's sold out within the limits

we'll look out and go was it the Newcastle one where I went, imagine this wasn't lockdown and we looked out and saw that Oh man, yeah. It would be fucking literal devastation wouldn't it Absolutely, it would take us back 10 years You would feel like a failure, you would be like oh god, why how did we get this so wrong?

Where did we lose everybody? But the fact is, it shouldn't be good, but there's been so much fun. People have made up for the empty space with the goodwill in the room. We've got more shows coming up. We've got Portsmouth on June 17th. We've got two shows in up we've got Portsmouth on June 17th we've got two shows in Brighton on June the 19th

there's another Newcastle show nice are we going back to the town theatre yes oh I didn't know that

okay well there you go 23rd two shows in Bristol is that a mistake I don't know maybe maybe they split it into five gigs

and they couldn't get all five in that weekend. I mean, we'll have to fucking check the schedule. I didn't think we were going to. Aye, this is one for what, agent? Aye, sorry. Yeah, so Time Theatre. We've also got Barnard Castle in the North East, haven't we? Yes, on July the 3rd,

after Halifax on the 2nd. Nice. And also, let's plug the Patreon. Oh, yeah. on July the 3rd after Halifax on the 2nd nice and also let's plug the Patreon oh yeah thank you to all the patrons who have already signed up you're driving this podcast these wouldn't be happening

as frequently as they are without you and I hope you're enjoying the bonus content you get every Thursday so thank you to you and also anybody else

that's considering and you're sitting on the fence I think now's a good time to date there you go alright you didn't do your homework did you well I was busy doing it and you're sitting on the fence, I think now's a good time to do it. There you go. You didn't do your homework, did you? Well, I was busy doing it and you fucking snitched on us. Remember at the beginning when you snitched

and you cut us off? I remember he's rowed two. Your dad lights candles by lighting his farts from a distance. His record is 3.5 metres, but it was only lit for a second before his diarrhoea snuffed it. And that's what he thinks snuff films are.

Your dad sprayed pesticide on his plants and now he can't go anywhere near them. Your dad breeds kittens but when they're freshly born he rubs them on his shirt to produce static electricity to stick them to the ceiling and any that don't land on their feet he sells as dogs. Your dad shows his teeth to people when he's angry,

but more like a dog eating peanut butter kind of way. Your dad sits down in elevators because he's scared of heights. Your dad microdoses Viagra, so he lives in a constant state of Simeon. Simeon Blanc. Simeon Blanc. What's his nickname? Your dad thinks wet dreams are the ones

where you wake up crying and he keeps bragging about them. Still got a baby, 50 years old, still having wet dreams. And your dad meditates to the sounds of babies crying. Oh, God. Look that man up immediately. Oh.

Right, fuck off. You need to click stop on that. Oh.