Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.25 Covidiots II

Episode Date: June 23, 2021

Brave, brave boys Muggins and Cream get through another week of this deadly virus to bring you some follow up thoughts on last weeks arguments and an update on their isolation.    Toothbrush debate update - Team Muggins: 8             Team Cream: 9  

Here is your Monday podcast. It is a follow-up episode from Thursday's bonus on Patreon, where if you've listened to that already, if you've done your homework, you'll know me and Daniel have COVID. We've done a good job of avoiding it. We spent 18 months without a job just so that people wouldn't catch it. And then we caught it anyway, just as we started touring again. So the tour got cancelled for a couple of weeks. We got locked down and put into isolation. So we've been doing the podcast remotely this is part two of the trilogy um we've got a lot more energy we're feeling a lot better we just we still have to isolate you know um and it is also a follow-on from last week's episode because we'll pick up some of the same topics namely the toilet

toilet brush i keep calling it a toilet brush because it is one now. The toothbrush that fell down the toilet. And we'll ask for your opinion on that. And some of you were wrong and I was a bit rude to you in this podcast. If you went with Team Cream, chances are I was a little bit rude to you in this podcast. All right, I'll apologise now. I've been rude to people this week. There's another story in there where I was rude to a volunteer worker from the NHS. And I'm not having the best of week for upsetting people.

So if you get caught in the crossfire, then just have some sympathy that I've been really unwell, okay? It was a fun podcast. It was nice chatting to him. And we'll be out of quarantine and touring very soon. So please enjoy these lockdown potties. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. these lockdown potties. Kiss, kiss, kiss. We're magicians cynical. Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia.

Where have you been since 9-11? Welcome to Sluss and Humphreys, Muggins and Cream in quarantine. Isolating some more. How's your, eh, how's your COVID? It's lots and lots better now. I've been shite in the mornings, Daniel. Aye. And then getting better as the day goes on.

Just exhaustion? Aye, just exhaustion, pure myth. Like, just nae energy at all, nae get up and go. My thumbs work, so platinum to Horizon Zero Dawn, which I think I already tell you about, and then started playing Gods of War. I, the only symptom I've still got left is the,

I mean, I've got a little bit of a cough, but it's like a regular cough at this point. But the exhaustion is a motherfucking man. Like the way I describe it is every time you wake up in the morning, even if you've had like between eight and 10 hours sleep, you know, when you've got to wake up at 6am, right?

And you set an alarm for 6am and you wake up and your alarm's not gone off and you roll over and you go, oh please be 2 or 3 in the morning, please be 2 or 3 in the morning so I've got like 4 hours left. And you roll over and it's 6.25. You've slept in.

And you're just like, oh god I've not had enough sleep, this is fucking awful. It's that all day long. I've been waking up with a super druth as well. You know what? It's been good, right? Because I'm an old man now, Danny. I need a piss at least once in the middle of the night.

So when I get up for that piss, which is usually like 3, 4 in the morning, I have my paracetamol in. That's a good show. And then I wake up and it's kicked in and I find the mornings a lot easier. Cullen by some fucking miracle has still tested negative

to this. Wow. It's because of his gills. It felt as though the Covid molecules Yeah, that or the vaccine that works. Or the spores that he releases kind of counteract it, the cling on to it and actually rape the Covid that works. Are the spores that he releases kind of counteracted, they cling onto it and actually rape the COVID?

Do? I just felt it. Cara, on the other hand, is so she tested positive like two days after me so like I'd been sleeping in the spare room just because I didn't want to fucking infect people and I was just sleeping most

of the time anyway feeling shite and then at like four in the morning or five in the morning on thursday she came and she's like daniel i've got covid as well and i was like oh all right okay um she's like you can come back to bed and i'm just like i'm fucking in bed like that could have waited until like don't get me wrong i'm glad you want to fucking sleep together again. But like, could this not have waited until I actually woke up naturally? And then you told me. But her symptoms have gone fucked now. So she just had like a sniffly nose for a couple of days. She's like, I feel fine.

Like, I just feel like I've got a little bit of a cold. And then today she'd always taken Monday off of work because we were going to do a massive just a spring clean of the house right and that was compounded when we were put into isolation again i was like fuck it let's absolutely gut the house from top to bottom right and i'm talking empty like full-on cleaning like taking out the fucking drawers and cleaning the drawers on the inside yes that's what you've done today? We're about halfway through, aye.

This is good progress because if my symptoms were anything to go by, earlier in the week I couldn't have fucking lifted a finger like that chore-wise. I had a serious case of the CBAs and felt like a teenager. That's what Cara's got

conveniently today. And it was just like, so I woke up and she was just like, can we delay it till tomorrow? Can we do it tomorrow? And I'm like, Cara, man, I had the fucking weekend off. I'm feeling better.

And you put your feet up. Aye, just go to bed. Just have a fucking sleep. And me and Cullen will do it. And I fucking tell you what, he's a good little cleaning sleep and me and Cullen will do it and if I can tell you what he's a good little cleaning gremlin that Cullen man

one foot in front of the other aye so what we did because obviously we've still got like fucking isolate from each other but because we're cleaning as well we're both just fucking

walking around wearing vests because we're getting vests and marigolds right as we as we as we like

do different rooms so that like I'm cleaning one room that he's not in he's cleaning a different room why am I why am I fucking picturing

the alien even though I can't picture anything the alien from Family Guy what's the what's the I don't know no it's not Family Guy

you're thinking of American Dad aye there's people out there there's people out there who think

American Dad is better than Family Guy and those are the exact same morons that think Futurama's better than The Simpsons

yeah this is wrong it's decent you'll put it on something else or whatever you're allowed to enjoy both of course you're allowed to enjoy both of course you're allowed to enjoy

both but don't just have that opinion just because you're sick of having the same opinion as everyone else like if it was written by somebody else it was the exact same cartoon but it didn't have the accolade of family guy attached to it half the people wouldn't watch it

so I mean we're only fucking halfway through the cleaning now to it. Half the people wouldn't watch it. So I mean we're only fucking halfway through the cleaning now. I've just, I've sprayed ovens with oven cleaner just now. So those are all. Getting there and then like fucking going through, I'm cleaning

the tops of spice lids. Cleaning out everything we've got. That's good when you start getting like properly carried away like you're going to polish the handles on the cupboard doors and that you just get it you just so like you are you're a consistently tidy

and clean person I would say you know when I do the bins I wipe like when I take the recycle bin out and empty it I'll get that a spray and a wipe before I put it back in the bin. I do that, but just because I fucking hate the stink of bin juice, like, just so much. And also, like, bin bags leak.

But I, I mean, Gene always used to say, like, there'd be a time when I would come back from tour and I would just fucking nest for two days. And it's what I would do is, because I hadn't been in the house for three or four months like my way of just sort of mentally reclaiming it to myself is cleaning it from fucking

yeah if you've been looking forward to singing it you're gonna get to know it intimately and then hopefully at the end of this fucking spring clean which is not going to end until tomorrow at this point like we're just we've done but we've done is the house still in the like it's dirty other room we started phase because you've got everything

out yeah yeah we'll put it yeah so like it feels like it's never gonna end that phase everything everything above floor level like everything one inch above floor level in the living room is absolutely fucking spotless but fuck me is that floor fucked I'm just I'm wiping everything off onto the fucking floor at this point sort of sweeping it away as much as I can that's gonna be your end boss aye but that's the last bit

the last bit you do is the fucking floors and then eh and then I keep saying to Cullen I keep saying to Cullen and Cara that I'm just like let's try like once we've done this, let's try and keep it clean. And they both look at me and they're like, you know it's you.

Like, you know it's you. You're the reason it's this messy. We tidy up as we go along. Cara regularly fucking cleans the place. But I'm the cunt that just sits there and be like, tell you what, I'm not going to do anything now, but in six months,

I'll put a fucking shift in. So you're doing all of your day-to-day cleaning all in a one-er. Just getting out. Just fucking getting out. I think it's real positive signs that you're feeling better, mate. Because that's...

I do, but man... That's something I couldn't have even fucking thought we'd be doing last week. Everyone pray for Cara, because also she came down very briefly and she was like, can I help? And I was like, no also she came down very briefly and she's like can I help and I was like

no you'll be fucking useless and you'll just get in the way just go back upstairs and her muscles had started to hurt

and I was like oh fuck you might just be at the start of this at this point she might have a couple of fucking days left but

we're doing well enough that to everyone in fucking Bristol and Birmingham no no no Birmingham's fine I thought that's what you were going to say that we're doing yeah the ones we cancelled so Portsmouth

and Bristol those have already been rescheduled and Brighton they're going to be rescheduled for like a month or two away we're not going to keep you waiting too much thankfully because well if you want the truth of the matter because every comedian in the UK's tour was cancelled, everyone is

trying to reschedule their tour at 100% capacity because they are lazy comics, they are lazy lazy touring comedians and none of them can be arsed to fucking do four shows, so the way it works is if you're selling at a 1200 seater and that 1200 seater is reduced to

a 25% capacity, that 1200 seater is reduced to a three uh 30 sorry 25 capacity that means you do it four times you do it four times and and that's what we're doing and that's why we do four times in leeds four times in newcastle and that's how we're going to keep it going the only reason just so you know all these comedians that have fucking rescheduled the thing right they could be performing in your city they just don't want to because they're lazy fucking comics who just want to do a one-off show and then fuck off because they hate your town.

Unlike us, who hate your town, but still come. Stay anyway. We still stay anyway. For you. For you, the listener. Speaking of towns we fucking hate,

Birmingham. Jesus Christ, your traffic is the worst in the world. The worst road system in the UK and that is fucking hate, Birmingham, Jesus Christ, your traffic is the worst in the world. The worst road system in the UK, and that is including London. Birmingham, despite the fucking shitness of your roads, we're coming in. Well, I'll still be there on Friday when Cara's at the peak of her illness. So, do, I mean, sorry, fucking sold out. But just understand that we're going to honour the tickets that we do.

Oh, no, but I can only play to 25% of the people. of the people all right okay well then why don't you be a fucking professional comedian all right because where we i was told i got phoned by the test and trace and i was told i had to isolate until the 25th but before i was told i had to isolate the 25th i hung up on them oh yes please for the love of god let's discuss. Me and Cullen were dying the other day. I felt so bad. No, no, start the story from the top, come on. I managed to get my apologies. No, let's not, you're not a good guy, yeah?

Let's talk about what a fucking wanker you were to volunteer for no reason. Ring, ring, ring, ring. Right, hello? Right, 0800 number right i'll pick it up hello hello there's that mr kai humphries like i'm talking like sweet old scottish man like like maybe he's a pensioner like should you be working yeah just sweet old scottish man hello is that mr kai humphries speaking i was like yeah yeah it is and they're like hi it's uh it's such and such from test and trace here where i'm just phoning about your positive

result i was like oh yes okay and they're like okay but before i carry on i'm going to need to confirm a few details off you can you tell us your name i was like wait you just give us my name it's kai humphries you just said i'll give you that one back right he was like and i'm going to need your number as well can i get your number and i was like um you just rang us off it you just you just rang this number it was like oh yeah it's in case it cuts off so i can ring you back and i was like well if it's a system that's fed him the number fair enough right oh seven eight six oh blah i'm not gonna read out on the podcast nearly did though nearly did and then he just went right and i'm and I'm going to need your postcode and the first lady address and your date of birth.

And I was like, nah, you're not. You're not going to need that. And he was like, we just need to confirm it to you. And I'm like, I need to confirm who you are. You're just like, anybody can look on my fucking Twitter, on my Instagram, find out I've got fucking COVID, ring us up and just start harvesting me data. Right, right, right, right.

I understand vaguely your paranoia here. Right. He's not asked for your mother's maiden name. He's not asked for your bank account details. He's not asked for your long credit card. Right, so when you get there, that's when you put up the fucking walls. Already?

Oh, mate, already. It's not even your full address. He just wants the first line not the postcode he just wants that little bit it's just a little confirmation already it feels a bit like too much

because like I've got I've spent a monthly amount on a PO box because people wanted to send his housewarming gifts

and Christmas stuff like in the last previous months stuff from your knitting stream people wanted to send his yarn and that I was getting stuff sent to Marlena

which I felt like was already a bit weird so I set up the PO box because I don't want to give me address out to random people but anybody who could just get hold

of my number knows I've got COVID use that as a guise and ask for my address when I'm going to be away and this is where my wife lives I'm just on high alert

for shit like that man like I I literally took this phone call and the guy starts harvesting data. There's no bedside manner. And he's like,

oh, how are you doing? And he's like, oh, I heard you got a positive result. How are you doing? So I'm just going to prove it to you. Can you give it?

And like you said, it didn't get to the, and I said to the woman when I spoke later, I was like, I didn't know how many questions I was going to answer before they were

asking for the three digits on the back of your card. So that's the one you don't answer? Aye, but I'm looking at it. So this is what I did do. I went, okay, I've told you what I'm willing to tell you, me name and me number, because you've already got it, right? Aye.

But if you're not a con artist, because one of the things he said as well is, I wouldn't do that, do you? Which is a very sweet thing to say, but it's kind of tech more than the word of the con artist. You know what I mean? Man, I just, like, literally, you were told, like, you were texted by the NHS,

we are going to call you from this number, from an 0800 number within the next 24 hours, to track and trace. And you'd be there and be like, this is some fucking clever cunt trying to work out where I could live because, you know,

the internet's a dangerous place and people just want to murder my wife. While I'm away, they'll check me tour dates, they know I'm away in Birmingham with Daniel and they're going to get,

they've got the first line of my address, they can just backwards it from there and they're going to go in and they're going to murder her. Is this Glasgow paranoia? I come in from a man

that lived in fucking London for five fucking years? Mate, did you just dive in with your address? What? I bet you some absolute psychos want to get hold of you. Uh-huh.

You've connected to them, you've talked to them, you've made them feel special. Some people think they're a lot closer to you than they ever have any right to believe. If somebody phones up from an 0800 number

and says, Daniel Sloss, yeah, and I've just reported that I've got fucking COVID. I'm not on a high alert. I'm like, hiya there.

Here's the first line of my address. 123 Hill Street. So here's what God is. This is why I hung up in the end. Right? Again, so you've got, I said to him,

so you just need me to prove I'm me. You've got my address in front of you already. You don't want my address. You just want to know that I know my address. Yeah. And he went, yes. And I went, right. Well, I can tell you it's a Glasgow address and I can tell you my birthdate is in July.

I feel like that's a fucking bit enough data for you to confirm it with what's in front of you. And if you need any more than that, you want me to tell you my address. But what's he going to do with your address he could google your address it's on systems and then he and then he just he just goes

I'm going to need it and I was like well we're stuck then because I need you to prove who you are but how what do you have to corroborate who he is

well no he couldn't prove who he was because but mate also I don't need this phone call No but legally it has to take place so they can

work out who you've given it to so we can open this fucking country up So what are the precautions for somebody answering the phone then pretending to be me and getting the covid advice that they don't need is that what they're trying to cover for because that seems like a lot less

dangerous to give somebody covid advice they don't need then it's not good advice if they want to get the phone numbers and the names of the people that you have been in contact with in the last four days so that they can phone those people and tell them that they've been in contact with someone who has tested positive for COVID-19. That they have to therefore self-isolate and then they talk to those people and that's what track and trace is. Oh, I'll give you your details. You should have just asked for that.

Right, but I just... It's such an insane level of paranoia. It's like, it's not... Mate, I'll tell you where it comes from there's fucking so many middle aged women around us that have been scammed it's always a

friend's mam or like a friend's auntie right but all people are thick as fuck man ah and I just I just didn't want to be that I just was like oh my god like I'm profiling myself in the innocent luddite bracket. No, you were being rude to a volunteer

who took time out of his retirement to try and get this country open sooner. Mm-hmm. And I felt really bad about it. And I come off the phone call, right? And I Googled the number. And when I come up, right, there are lots of scams going around because

obviously people are fucking if this is how easy it is if this is how if you just need to find out someone has covid ring them and then start asking for that data right that's how easy it is so of course there's millions of scams and they were like the trading standards was like this is the number that's coming from when it isn't a scam and it was the number that rang is and then I asked you about and you were like yeah I think you've just been rude to a scam and it was the number that rang is and then i asked you about and you were like yeah i think you've just been rude to a volunteer and then and then the rang is back and it was this lady went hi i'm aware that we've just called you i'm just wondering if you're willing to speak now blah blah and i was yeah i've done my research right i've done my

research i do trust this number now but at the time a strange number rangers and started asking for my details and I stopped after giving them a couple of details because I was like who even fucking does this and then I was just like look get me apologies to that guy if you can

because I'm really sorry but fucking caught us properly off guard psychopath man I think also I am first line of your address Jesus Christ

like oh not your mother's name not the name of your first fucking pet none of like oh you know mother's name not the name of your first fucking pet none of like oh you know where are you going to be

on this fucking date gives you an email you know what it is they're just writing like if someone had funded me a card they've already got the information

that they need apart from the address the billing address so like if somebody finds your card they could just ring you and ask for your address pretend it's the NHS

like it's fucking much better to be precautious or they can be told and you have to be like, hey what's your address so I can post you your card back and you're like, fucking I'll not fall for this scam you motherfucking I'll cancel my card I'll just cancel my card, I'm not going to fall for that

you've turned into me I don't know how this has happened, you fucking just hate the public and you've got no trust in any normal human being I've been witnessed of a few scams lately that I just refuse to be

even if Sophology rang as new which by the way Sophology still haven't given me foot rest like coach arrived not the foot rest right I finally got in touch with them and they went we'll book a delivery for like 15 for June or whatever 15 for June just came and went. I knew I kind of got hold of them again.

Aye, I just don't think you should ever order from Sophology ever again. I mean, I'm certainly never going to do it after this story. I also looked into it and the Trustpilot result comes from anybody who's had an experience in the shop has been pushed towards Trustpilot and give goes Trustpilot because they've had a good experience in the shop. Everyone's put that forward before they had the delivery

because anybody who puts it in after it was delivered or while they're waiting on the delivery process, they're all at one. So the only reason Sophology has good Trustpilot reviews is because they push them in before they fuck people over,

before people even have their couch. Sophology is the fucking devil, man. It's the worst company. I hated them the second I bought a couch. I walked into a store and was like, can I have this one? They were like, yep, a month away. And I was like, no, no, I can see you've got a van at the back there. Stick this one there.

Oh, no, this is a display only. Well, fucking half stock! We've had this run. We have. And I just feel like they've got good products, so people will still shop there. Like the sofa that arrives in the mint. But however, man. Changing the subject

slightly, do we have any emails about how much of a psycho you are with toothbrush. Right, so... Because my mum got in contact. Okay, what did your mum say? I'm interested to hear this.

Latest podcast. Kai is so wrong. Throw away a perfectly good toothbrush, hotel toilet disinfected daily, then only used by them, not a public toilet, but share a toothbrush with the same... With the same woman he won't kiss

in the morning, so he won't have a slight hint of morning saliva, but he'll happily use her toothbrush to mash her saliva in her mouth. Use her toothbrush to mash her saliva and mouth bacteria into his gums. You're just showing where you got it from there.

That's all you're doing. You're just saying, oh, he has the psychology behind why I'm a fucking trap. That's all you just did. Or the science from the PhD having scientist. Right. So the kissing thing for me, right, that's just the experience, right? It's just a, like, I'd rather just, you've got an en-suite bathroom.

My bathroom isn't that far from my bathroom, from my bedroom. It's so much easier to just go and fucking sort your mouth out and have a much better experience. That's all it is. I don't think she's going to catch anything off us. I don't think it's rank. I wouldn't go, kiss my girlfriend.

I would just make some adjustments. That's all I was saying there. Now, the toothbrush thing, right? I get the memo. I'm not going to catch anything. It is definitely mind over matter, right? But I'm not going to put the toothbrush in is definitely mind over matter, right? But I'm not going to use, I'm not going to put the toothbrush in my mouth

that's been down the hotel toilet. And the same reason you're not going to drink out of an England cup. It just feels wrong. It just feels dirty. Right, so you're like meting it's a rash, don't you? No, I think, well, I didn't think I'm going to catch anything, right?

But the whole thing is, my whole thing from the start is I don't need to put that in my mouth. It's been in the toilet, and I'm in a position where I didn't need to pick it up and put it in my mouth, Danny. The tip is changeable. The tip never even went in, right?

It's the fucking handle of your toothbrush went through the toilet, and I didn't want to put the cunt anywhere in my mouth. It went through the hotel toilet, I just had a shit in it, flushed the chain, right? Like, the fucking, literally, I had a shit yesterday, right? And I looked at the fucking

clip of the toilet, right? And I'm like, what, he would put, that's what I was thinking, because I've been ruminating on this. You would pour a fucking bucket of water over that, dip your toothbrush in it, and just give it away dude I was like how about man have some self respect

I'd take the I'd take the toothbrush off I'd go that tip's probably gross and I'd throw that tip away and then and then and then I'd take the toothbrush

which is just plastic on the outside like there it's meant to get wet it's waterproof I'd run that under like a fucking boiling hot

the boiling hot tap that I've got give it a fucking wipe with a bit of soapy water, and then I'd stick a brand new lid on the top, a brand new top on the top, and I'd go, oh, new toothbrush. And I would also get an England cup,

I'd pour a cup of tea in it, I'd pick it up by the handle, I'd drink it, and I'd go, that cup of tea is the same as every other cup of tea. You know that's a shite analogy, right? It's a fucking... Mate, it's the analogy I'm going for.

Just as long as you're aware that it's like, Natalie's listening to this going that's a dog shit can I tell you something can I tell you something there's fucking way less at stake to drink out of a fucking

different team's cup than there is to pull a fucking toilet toilet tooth portion you're aware that I've never refused to drink this is a hypothetical scenario you've absolutely

pulled out of your arse so I've I've put the Patreon comments have been open to suggestion a handful of people have been team Muggins a handful of people have been team Cream

some of them have been I'm team Muggins about the toothbrush I'm team Cream about the morning kissing right and there's been enough comments to vindicate me where they're like yep toilet hotel toilets near my mouth don't need to go together there's enough to validate to vind need to go together there's enough to validate

to vindicate us right and there's enough to vindicate you I'll tell you what I didn't accept at all from the comments

and this is a handful of people like half a dozen people the people that can 100% team cream a team cream all the way that's far too much

enthusiasm for what it is it's a toilet brush doing the toilet it's a toothbrush doing the toilet, right? You can be like, aye, I'm with cream on this one. You didn't act like you wanted it to happen.

Didn't give it the energy, like, you're fucking keen to dip your toothbrush doing the toilet. Oh, I'm 100% cream, mate. Look, I do it all the time. I took, aye, I... That's what I'm saying. Like, you didn't come at it with that energy, man.

You can't look. Aye, fucking, sorry your toothbrush fell down the toilet, but I'm saying. You definitely come at it with that energy, man. You're going, look, I fucking, sorry your toothbrush fell down the toilet, but I'm team cream on this one. I would have wiped mine down. Like, I'm afraid. Or you should have just wiped it down, because I know it's going to happen. It's made no matter, right?

There should be an element of sitting on the fence, but leaning towards just getting your toothbrush out of the toilet and wiping it. There should never be like a 100% Are you mad? Are you bonkers? You're not just putting your hand in the toilet and grabbing it and fucking putting it straight in your mouth.

But that's how wrong people think you are. No, this is how much people want to be seen by you, Daniel. They just want you to notice them, that's all. So the people that lean towards you, I give them it, but you're not the people that jump on your dick about it. I'm like, come on, man, it's a toothbrush doing the toilet. You're 100% that.

No questions. Zero questions. Zero questions. I'm 100% zero questions. My logic is infallible. I just unplugged you. Hold on. I cannot hear your rants for the best.

Oh, the fucking gall of this to claim I was the one ranting I missed the last couple of minutes don't worry don't worry they're laughing there was like

there's part of it when there was people saying 100% and team cream all the way is this your way of telling me that there was nobody that was 100% muggins

is that oh yeah there was people like that doesn't go inins? Oh yeah, those people that can. That doesn't go in your mouth. Right, but you're not angry at them for being 100% that way. Hang on, I'll go back through and have a look. But I didn't think anyone was vehemently Muggins. Those people that give their reasons why they were Muggins.

And those people that give the reasons why they were Cream. But the people that were 100% team cream, right? That to me, it's like you, you could literally sit there and say fucking anything and those cunts

would have a team cream badge on, I swear it. You could be like, what's the point in toilet paper? Why don't you just wipe your hand across your shitty arse? You're going to wash it anyway. So just wipe your arse

with your hand, wash it in the sink, soap works and you'll have people going, 100% team cream? Why would you not touch your own shit? You're going to wash your hands the sink, soap works, and you'll have people going, 100% team cream? Why would you not touch your own shit? You're going to wash your hands anyway. To be fair, I do actually agree with toilet paper is pointless, but that's only

because I've got the Japanese toilet seat. I think anyone, and I mean anyone that uses toilet paper, is a lesser person than I. Do you not use toilet paper first and then do the wipe? Do the toilet? So it completely cuts out the middleman with it?

Well, so what you can do, like, is it, so obviously, man, it's a good warm blast. Like, it fucking, it rotates, it fucking oscillates, it does everything, it gets all the shite away. And then you can have it blow dried, but sometimes you just... You don't want your arse blow-dried. So that's when I'll occasionally get, like, one bit of toilet paper, and then it's just, like, a drying wipe. And then, yeah. Mind you, man, like, with the...

I mean, with the shit... With the taking a shit and then just using your hand to wipe... I wouldn't do that, but I'll tell you what I would do. If I've done a shit and I'm about to go for a shower, I'll just pop right in the shower there. Aye, I'd still wipe it,

because now I'm going in the shower, but I'll be less vigilant. I'm not going to dig right in. I'm not going to draw a blood like I sometimes do. Aye. I'll give it the first couple of cursory ones but the last couple where you're checking the toilet paper at the end.

I'd maybe bypass that bit because I'm going to go out in the shower. You'd actually blast the bits of hangy poo in the winnets into the shower floor. No, I'd kick the jobby down the drain. Because I think,

yeah, Team Cream, getting tested to the limit here, they're still going to be there, man. They're like fucking

Boris Johnson supporters, they're still going to be there, going 100% Team Cream, aye, I'm mushy doing the toilet hole, mushy doing the plug hole

with my toe, aye, 100%, aye, all the way, all the way, sometimes, sometimes,

I just shit in the shower. 100%, Team Cream, me, I just shit in the shower 100% Team Cream me I just shit in the shower I sometimes get on my hands and knees and mush it doing with my face that's how Team Cream I am

I feel like I feel like you just don't like big I'm voted here I've been a terrible loser I've fucking ruminated on it

mate I've been dying for this it mate I'd be dying for this podcast mate I can fucking tell mate mate man what the fuck

you've come in with a narrative you've created in your head I've been off for a week man I've been off for a week

I've had fucking knee energy I've had no today and I've had a bunch of people saying that they would fucking just put their toothbrush straight and move after 100% all a bunch of people saying that they would fucking just put the toothbrush straight

and I move after 100% all the way none of them said they would put it straight in their mouth none of them said I'm building it I'm building it

because I've judged them right because I've judged knee and I've judged them and this is where we're at right we've got people who judge me for fucking being over hygienic

coming from the fucking man that also picks his nose and eats it by the way it's the fucking ball I was thinking of that now the day of the fucking hypocrisy on both of us the hypocrisy on both of us

because fucking because I if I wipe if I wipe my nose like that right and I've got a booger on it right we know please don't tell us again

right I'd put that do in the hatch if it meant I was in public as in public right because that fucking come with my nose it's fresh

and it's my nose that's not going to do anything to this oh don't say it's fresh as if it's like fucking fruit and that makes it better fresh is worse

in this scenario fresh is way worse. Don't fucking say fresh. It's like, oh yeah, when it's got more of the fucking nutrients and more of the fucking flavour. Yuck, worse. I wouldn't let it rot on my hand

and then tell you. I wouldn't wipe it on the side of my fucking chair and then come back to it a couple of days later like fucking Will Ferrell and Elf picking off old bits of chewing gum and eating them but

so I'm that guy but if I drop my my tooth brush I keep calling it a toilet brush because it is now that's what it is and that's what it always will be

from the minute that I get it out you know what it can't un-become a toilet brush so when he wiped doing a toilet brush so what do you wipe doing a toilet brush

and you know give it a rinse and then touch your teeth with that no absolutely no is that because

it's done it too many times it's done it too many times and then also like it's sitting in that wee pot of just

like toilet water and shit and everything and I know there's extra bit like it's not just touching the toilet it's chewing that wee pot of just like toilet water and shit and everything. And I know there's extra bit. Like it's not just touching the toilet. It's chewing in like fecal matter and bits. And also that's not a good brush for your teeth, mate.

That'd be mad. I'd get the side of my nose. My gums would be sore. I could get my lips. It would be like a car wash. You put it in full mouth and then start, like get it between your palms, flat palms. And start like, you know, like you you're starting to fight I'm trying to explain

the hand movement to the listeners you can see it's on zoom and then just absolutely car wash the inside of your mouth toilet brush I actually have changed

my mind on all of this man that would fucking gut the top and bottom of your mouth you'd lose some taste buds I've had an ulcer right on me inside of me lip like kind of on me tooth line and it was rubbing I've had an ulcer right on me inside of me lip, like kind of on

my tooth line, and it was rubbing it I've been in a fucking bad mood with it I can tell You came in here fucking raging, I'm surprised you didn't have the fucking opposite of Schindler's list, here's the list of the people that are not allowed to listen to the podcast

anymore. That'll pull in a Patreon. I've lost where I put 40 quid there, Danny. I've pulled a Patreon. I'll leave. Fucking hell, guys. I'll tell you how much I different love Daniel on subscribe. I just

thought I'd come in with a bit of a rage on. Let's do something that annoys everyone at this point and just lose all of our fans and just go for a five-minute discussion about Scotland beating England 0-0. Aye, it was a good turn-up for us. I thoroughly enjoyed the match.

I did too, like now, and I know I did to like now and I know I did at the time because man we were so underdogs like just in this and also to ourselves man I was convinced we were going to get gapped 5-1 right and I was going to be celebrating that fucking one goal

you were so bad against the Czech Republic that like I didn't have any doubts in my mind that I was going to beat you 2-0 minimum. I was like, this could actually be a fucking embarrassment for Scotland. Aye. And the pundits were saying all the same things. Fucking Rio Ferdinand was predicting 5 or 6-0.

Nobody could see it going either way. And then... And you can't even blame people for predicting it. You saw the Czech Republic game. Aye. But then, man, the... Like, it just... Tierney was amazing.

The occasion got to all of the Scottish players. Form goes out the window in a derby. See, a form completely out the window. The fucking expectations going out the window in a derby. It was a proper derby and because I'm a Newcastle fan and some of them

just haven't been around lately I haven't had a proper derby feel in a while watching a game it was it was joyous man

it meant something we'll still go out look because Scotland fans are currently like there's like even if we beat Croatia,

there's only like a one in four chance that we'll get through to the next level. But people are like, so if France and Germany win, and then if Turkey do this, and if this happens, and Scotland get to the knockout stage, I'm like, lads, this is required as winning against Croatia, which I don't think we will, unless we play like we did against England,

which we won't, because will unless we play like we did against England, which we won't because it's not fucking England and you don't like it as much as it means to us to fucking get through it doesn't mean as much to us as not fucking losing to you wankers That's such a shame because if you could

shift your mentality a little bit you could go on through Maybe we can, maybe we can, maybe, maybe I'm being pessimistic here, but fucking, fucking,

I shouldn't have kissed Billy Gilmore. He deserved it though, he deserved a big smooch-a-roo. He did, and now he's got, now he's got the COVID, and he's out of the fucking, the match.

That's a massive loss for you, he's fearless, him, like, he's absolutely class. So, I think it's hilarious how like

you and Mark Nelson were just like look just the way we were in the last World Cup

we're kind of being rungers for this one and all that we're kind of being he's left the football

what's up Chad and then England are about to play Scotland and I started getting messages off Mark Nelson

drunk just going I fucking love your mate have yourself a good evening and all that and I started getting messages off Mark Nelson, drunk, just going, I fucking love you, mate, have yourself a good evening, and all that. I was like, are you an absolute sweetheart when it comes to the crunch? No, but it's, our problem, that's the excuse we use. The reason we actually, it's because we just, man, we get, we get England fucking coverage,

we get all the fucking England, I'm just, I don't want to look at any of your shite fucking It's Coming Home memes, I don't want to hear about fucking Elliot's bullshit fucking analysis of the fucking England, I don't want to look at any of your shite fucking it's coming home memes I don't want to hear about fucking Elliot's bullshit fucking analysis of the fucking I don't want to see all of you guys

hype yourself up and then not be allowed to fucking laugh again you know what the football chat's been people just sharing videos of the Tottenham Army tearing it up in London

it's been fucking hilarious aye the group that we've got we've got all of those it's been fucking class but did you see the great video of when

Tyrone Mings and Declan Rice are getting interviewed for Sky Sports, and it's just the Scotland fans chanting, you're just a shite Billy Gilbert. Well that, it was just a shite Grant Hanley and Tyrone Mings, right, and I felt a bit ripped off with that, because that's what the Jorys shouted at your guy, David Luiz,

you're just a shite Colaccini, and that worked because he looked like Colaccini, right, and David Luiz you're just a shade Colaccini and that worked because he looked like Colaccini right and David Luiz is arguably better well I don't think that's exclusively

Newcastle thing I think it's I know right but I was just like oh people are sharing this as if it's like class and funny but like literally

the two guys in Honour Food are a different colour like he's not even playing the game right you're crowbarring it in and then it completely redeemed itself

because they were chanting to the William Shakespeare statue, yeah just a shit Robbie Burns alright, alright, if you're doing everything and everyone until you land on a funny one, then fucking funny it's

now after that fucking result I was gutted that we weren't in the landing for it, I would have loved to have been down there and fucking experienced that energy just become a viral video aye

but I guess now we'll just have to wait another fucking 20 years until we qualify for something else to eh aye to be able to celebrate

a tournament where we didn't even score a fucking goal so I'm I'm out a Scottish woman who's always hated Scottish

football because she's grew up in Glasgow in the old firm and thinks it's fucking horrendous and just think life would be

better without a kind of fucking attitude like a family are big into Scottish football and she's never really paid

half an interest in football until she starts going with me and I get her into the Premier League and she watches the Premier League and i didn't know football could be good and she gets she gets to know all the players she fucking watches through lockdown she's watched

practically every single game with his legs she's as into the football as i am at this point it's great for me and um and she started looking like she was leaning towards England because she knows all the players. She loves Phil Foden. She's watched his entire career pretty much up to this point. Mason Mount too. She's been paying massive interest in Jack Grealish. All the handsome ones.

She's just shown such an interest in them and wanting them to do well. I thought that she had no allegiance at the England-Scotland game. And she was just interested in the players, that she knows. As soon as the fucking morning of the football came, she just switched.

She was just singing Flower of Scotland, calling us a wanker. Like fucking slagging off England, laughing at the Scotland fans. If England fans were doing this, it would be gross. It would be fucking gross. But because it's Scotland fans if England fans were doing this it would be gross it would be fucking gross but because of Scotland fans it's totally fine and it makes us laugh

and I find it hot woman but that's because we do it ours is genuinely tongue in cheek, we know we're shit this is a celebration a shit team got there and we're like hey look we're with the fucking big boys for once

we don't have you know some fucking divine right to a trophy or victories when we were watching the game shows

having all our Scottish friends send voice memos of Scotland chants for like David Marshall and for John McGean and all that so that you could play them while we were watching it

so it developed a bit of an atmosphere for Scotland within the house. It's just constant chanting coming out of my phone. Cara got properly into it. Now, Cara grew up,

because her dad's a Celtic fan. So she grew up being forced to watch football. So she does know a fair bit. And also, she likes Chelsea players because Chelsea players make me happy and she likes seeing me happy. But watching the football with her was, there was points where she was tenser than I was.

Like it's really class to have a missus who's something like, not necessarily even exclusively football, but see when somebody sees something that you love and just goes right i guess i'll try and love this too then if this means that much to you it's good and and to be fair carers and both and natalie very good for it is um with stand-up as well it was always one of my fucking big things for relationships which is like i cannot be with someone who doesn't also understand that they're getting into a relationship with comedy like i could you know

those comedians like that do fucking joggers in the comedy clubs and their partner hasn't seen them do comedy in like four or five years i'm like how do you do this like how do you is that how you lost the love for it? Because there was never love for it within your household. Like you're not able to go home and like talk about the gig and like they're not... Cara doesn't give me advice, but she knows when a gig's gone well

and she knows when a gig's gone badly, but she's also able to go, look, I understand. Like when I come off stage sometimes, as we both do, and the gig's gone fine. And to the audience, they'll think the gig was fucking great. But you know that was your bottom 30 percent of gigs and you come off and

you're like oh god and some people go but it was great and you go yeah to you it was great because you've seen this show twice and so out of those it was still fucking good i've seen this show 200 300 times i know what I'm capable of it's nice to have the person that's going I know it didn't go the way you wanted it to

but just to give you the fucking perspective of someone there and the support I did a gig a few weeks back like outside of the tour and one of the actors

you fucking did what? you fucking did what? what's his name? what's his fucking name? What's his fucking name? What's his fucking name? I just sometimes need a break, you know what I mean? A bit of strange.

It keeps us interested, Daniel. It keeps us interested in our relationship. It's, I do it for you. Oh, right, okay. I do it to keep myself fresh for you. Where was it?

How was it? Was it better than mine? Was it better than my audience? It was in Liverpool. Oh! It wasn't better than your audience. It was just different to your audience, Daniel. Oh Liverpool it wasn't better than your audience it was just different to your audience Daniel

oh good different just different no how different explain well I just think I've got to go on last when I was watching the gig at the back of the room one of the comics that was on

his last was with a properly stand up and god comedy and all that I hadn't seen this comic that much I've known him for years I just hadn't gigged with him many times and I thought he'd had a good gig and she just

knew, she was just like, oh he wouldn't have enjoyed that and I was like she knows comedy, not just knows comedy, she knows what makes him tick she knows what he's looking forward to the gig she knows what those jokes normally get and she's able to go okay that

bit didn't get a laugh and i can see that he sped up here yeah that's a class comedy partner uh-huh i absolutely and i was just like oh she she absolutely fucking not as him inside out i try to because cara's so very good um with with stand-up and she loves it and like man I make her watch Bo Burnham stuff all the time and I talk to her about the art of it and I'm like the crafting and she sits there and she just she likes it because I'm passionate about something and she likes seeing me talk passionately about stuff

I fucking try to have the same interest in her work and I do every day I'm like how's work today and she'll tell me and I listen and I don't every day I'm like, how's work today, and she'll tell me, and I listen, and I don't understand what she does, I mean, I get it, kind of, but just, I'm good for, I'm good for the bitch and bits, like, where she's just like, I'm fucking sick of all these fucking old cunts, like, I've got to do this fucking thing, and none of them understand the rules, and because they're old,

and because I'm a little girl, right, they just think they can fucking talk down to me and they, because I'm this person's assistant, I'm nobody else's assistant, which means I don't have to do anything and they'll be like, can you do this? And she'll just go, no.

And these are men born in the fucking 50s who are like, what do you mean no? I don't get told no. You're not my wife. So it's like, what's this? I'm good for like being like,

oh, those bastards but see when she's talking about how hard spreadsheets are i'm like man do you want to talk to marlena i don't understand the ins and outs of me wife's day i should tell us bits and bobs here and there but like you know what we can't look our jobs are just a bit more interesting I know, and I know that's true and I know that she would say that too but partly it does feel

like guilty because I do want it to be like an equal relationship. But it doesn't need to be in that respect, Natalie would rather talk about my work than talk about her work Aye. That's not just a me thing, that's also a her thing Oh but yeah can you imagine being in a fucking relationship where where she Aye. That's not just a me thing. That's also a her thing. Oh, but yeah,

can you imagine being in a fucking relationship where she was like, can we talk about my work now with the same sort of, you know, I need you to care about this as much. I'm like, but I, but fucking Greg Davies doesn't work at your work. Your work is nobody's hobby until it becomes their job.

I also like I'm constantly the people we get to interact with I guess are like people that are again lovers of our job and like they're craftsmen and women in their own way and they're artists and they're you know they love talking shop and they love all this stuff and I guess people just don't have the same passion in a lot of office jobs as a'u artistau yno ac maen nhw'n, rydych chi'n gwybod, maen nhw'n aros i siop a maen nhw'n aros i'r holl beth yma ac

rwy'n credu nad yw pobl yn cael yr un fath o bwysigrwydd mewn llawer o swyddi swyddfa hefyd. A chi'n gwybod beth, fel yn ein stafrwydd rydyn ni'n cael ein hangen gyda'r pobl mwyaf hyfryd y byd a dyna'r pwynt arall o ddewis. Mae'n perc o'r swydd. Yn ystod hynny, fe wnaethon ni wneud time we done the festival in Galway and we were backstage and it was me, you, Glenn Wool Andrew Maxwell fucking Reggie Hunter

Reggie Hunter and just the fucking it was lit back there man it was like it was kind of locked in like in the office

the admin admin office and we're having a few beers in there and it just went off man like everyone on fucking top form and i'm sure i'm sure when like all the best heads in hr get together and start fucking spitting fire about hr i'm sure on a level to somebody that fucking is interesting i bet hr is actually good because i guess because because HR people they'll not be

bitchy to anyone else in their office because their job is to deal with bitchiness and to deal with all this sort of stuff but I bet when all the fucking HR heads are in a room they're like right, fucking masks off. Do you know who's a fucking cunt? Aye, the gossip turning the gossip

they've harvested over years into opinions. Opinions I'm not allowed to have at work. Aye. Oh, yeah, that's their version of jokes that they can't tell on stage. Uh-huh. Opinions they can't have at work. Aye, they just fucking sit there being like, fucking Steve. I know he's not sexually harassed anyone yet.

Oh, in fact, you know what? I bet he has, but just nobody's come forward yet. They've got, like, a fucking Deadpool of, like, who they think is gonna... Who's gonna lose their job? Who's gonna lose their job? Who are they waiting for? Who's gonna be, like, discriminatory?

Aye. Somebody comes in, they're like, I feel like, look, I'm just getting a heavy hates Polish people vibe off of him. He uses the right words, but I can feel what he means underneath the correct use of words. Aye. I've almost caught him saying Polak twice

and it's so close. I've nearly got him. Oh, God. Maybe it's not gone. Maybe I'm still dying. Aye. Oh. Maybe.

Oh, right. I'm going to change the subject again just because you're... still dying aye oh maybe maybe oh right I'm going to change the subject again just because you're oh because you've got PlayStation 5 now yes

and it's just come out for the PlayStation 5 I know you're enjoying God of War I'm glad you're enjoying God of War so good man I spent Father's Day

just being a really strong dad aye to that boy I fucking I love him. We're also thoroughly enjoying Operation Tango, which is a really good two-player that you've got to play over mics

and one of you's a spy, one of you's a hacker. I played level one with my dad yesterday. We were waiting for my brother to come on Rocket League because that's what we did for Famous Dave, a little game of Rocket League when we did that I did a little one so I'd done it from your point of view you know how you were the hacker

and I was the spy like I didn't know that's what you were saying it's an entirely different game so one of you's a hacker it's such a different game you've got to go into the systems

and you've got to talk to the other person who's walking around the building and get them through see that one with the laser beams like and I was like oh no I get it.

There's a... I've gotten back into one of my favourite games in the entire world, The Long Dark. And the reason I've got back into it is because one of the greatest reality TV shows I've ever seen in my entire life, it's called It Alone. Have you ever watched it? No.

You've heard of it? Man, it's insane, right? So they just send 10 people into the arctic right to win a million and they go last man standing and that's and that's it what was the risk of death in the arctic uh-huh so they go here's a fucking pickaxe right oh sorry here's a regular action allowed to take your bow and arrow you're allowed to take like a little bit of wire and you can have some tar pollen and you can have a sleeping bag and you can have a fire lighter and then also last person standing wins a million pounds but we're

not going to tell you when anyone else is out so you could still be going for like weeks and weeks after fucking the second last person's done some of these people on the show i mean they're all very good at what they do right but like But, like, it sees me in colour watching. Some guy has properly made, like, a little stone house with a back to a fucking cave. He's, like, he wasted so much calories, right? Chopping down all these, like, I know this is dangerous

because I don't have enough fucking food, but when winter comes, when winter comes properly in this, I need to have this full house. And they just build full fucking houses with stoves. One cunt guy made a mandolin because he was bored. He was like, I've got to keep myself entertained. Mental health is going to be a big thing during this thing.

What's a mandolin? Like a colouring thing? A little fucking guitar. I thought that was stuff for colouring in things. No. One guy gave himself a fucking tattoo, right? He's sitting there, proper hard man, finds a fucking bit of elk bone, chisels that away into a fucking tattoo, right? He's sitting there, proper hard man, finds a fucking bit of elk bone,

chisels that away into a sharp point, gives himself a fucking tattoo, then catches a squirrel and gets food poisoning off the squirrel and has to tap out immediately. One guy, he's walking along, he's building his fucking house, his leg falls into a hole

and he just goes, oh, that didn't feel great. And then it just cuts to three days later where the back, there's just this huge pussy sack in the back of his leg and he just goes oh that didn't feel great and then it just cuts to three days later with a back there's just this huge pussy sack in the back of his leg and he's like I think I might have to tap out at this point because I could go fucking septic on this

it's such a good show but it's gotten me back into the long dark so what's that called is that Alone? Alone if you've got Skybox it's on that. Okay. Oh, God, it's good.

And then get into the game The Long Dark. That's the one where you just land somewhere in an abandoned Arctic wilderness and you've just got to survive. Nice. Oh, man. Is that a PS5 game? They've just released on the PS5.

Nice, cool. Because I've been going back through PS4 games. The only PS5 game I've played, that one with you, which I'll tell you the name of it again, Operation Tango. Yeah. Belter, two player.

So good. Different screens. Got to be different screens. So online's perfect. Resident Evil Village, loved it. Oh, It Takes Two as well. Oh, It Takes Two, I have played that. I am playing that one, Atlee.

Me and Cara complete it. You basically play a mum and a dad who are getting divorced and while they're having an argument, the daughter cries onto two dolls that she made of her mum and dad. Cast a curse. The spell on you. Their souls are put into there and you've got to work

together. It's a team game all the way through. You're helping the squirrels beat the wasps and you're just like you're just little miniature people trying to get back to your daughter if you're if you're a gamer and you're with a partner who's not really a gamer this is how you fucking trick them into it because it's it's it's not it's kind of as a kid's game but it's not but like it's simple enough controls you know what you know what i did as a baby step before that, you know the get to know the control pad

game that's built into the PS5 the Aspro, what's it called again? the little robots, yeah yeah yeah those ones that is such basic controls for children right aye, that my wife who's only ever used the remote to try and find Netflix on my Playstation

that's the only reason she's ever used the control to try and find netflix on my playstation all right that's the only reason she's ever used the control pad she got the hang of moving around with that and got right into it and that was a good baby steps onto it takes two and you can actually like because you're multiplayer you can do a lot of the heavy lifting with what you need to do yep for them talk them through it and they enjoy it like it's bright colours it's nice another great one is Sackboy Adventures me, Cullen and Cara been playing that

nice I'll tell you what you can play that as a three oh you can play it as a four as well so if you come round it's fucking great but oh we've got

I've got four man I love multiplayer games so much like whenever I get a controller you want to be ready for people to come round yeah my number one priority

is get four controllers just because if any of you can't do the toilet or whatever oh right football's starting soon and I need to get back

to my spring clean so shall we move on to some your father jokes yes I think I've got some written down mine's a bit shite

because you're having me very well Daniel but I have been spring cleaning like I literally delayed this podcast by 45 minutes because I was enjoying the spring clean so much so I do want to get back into that also I've been off

you know how to live I've been off weed for ages right because I'm an addict and I just need to fucking get back to a stage where i'm in control of it um and the vape pens are just so fucking deadly and easy to use i was like you know what i'm gonna too convenient yeah too convenient i'm gonna take some time off of it and then when i was cleaning today right in one of the cupboards i find a fucking wee bag of weed a fucking wee bag of green actual green all right so Aye, so I've said to Cara, I've said to Cara...

A little reward, use the reward system. Aye, and I go, look, look, I'm not going to go back to the pens, but there's enough in this for literally one fucking hit on a pipe, and I might fucking, might do that later on tonight. Nice, aye, treat yourself after, I think. Also, enjoy the football, the borough, because... Thank you, friend. You too. I'm going to set up a little war room in my living room. I, enjoy the football tomorrow. Thank you, friend. You too.

I'm going to set up a little war room in my living room. I'm bringing the other telly through. I'm going to put that on and I'm going to have the England game and Scotland game on separate tellies and we can both go through together, holding hands, skipping into the last 16. I'm not optimistic, but I am hopeful.

But even when we inevitably get fucking knocked out for whatever reason, I got to watch my country play in the fucking Euros and it's been a joy let's just hope you get to watch them score oh man because there's some mighty big celebration videos going around for the kids

to look back on and go but dad you didn't score in that tournament but look how much fun we had but we beat England 0-0 imagine who had scored at some point. So hopefully you get to have a goal. Instead of wanking himself silly, your dad wanks himself sober.

Like, you know, those 5am coke wanks when you just do it to knock yourself out. Oh my God. Your dad broke his nose, Eskimo kissing Elliot Steele your dad holds his breath until he gets what he wants your dad has piss flaps

on his butthole your dad thinks rhinos are just male unicorns no wonder they're dying No wonder they're dying. No wonder they're dying. There's no females. It makes sense. Why would I be sad that they're dying? I've not seen any female ones out there. It's not my fault. It's not the

hunter's fault. There's no broads. That's kind of... Your dad registered to vote and he keeps telling people he's on the register. Your dad eats humble pie regularly, but he's also partial to self-loathing viennetta and suicidal meringue. Sorry, suicidal meringue.

No, you're right. You're right, you're right. Your dad thinks hitting children is fine because he turned out all right. And you, And you. All of your dad's toes are big toes. Alright, well, we'll see the Patreon subscribers on Thursday for another... If they're still around, they have to be tirade.

on Thursday for another If they're still around I have to be tirade After Kai called you all out for having the audacity to have an opinion and some logic You can subscribe to that. 100% It'll be another lockdown. It'll be the last lockdown

special. Hopefully the last isolation special we'll ever have to do Yes Jinxed it. And then we'll see people to do. Yes. Jinkstead. And then we'll see people in Birmingham over the fucking weekend. Yeah. And then there'll be more shows next week, but we'll plug those then.

Right, sweet. See you later, mate. Bye.