Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.26 Squirtle Down The Berlin Wall

Episode Date: June 30, 2021

Back on the road together in Birmingham, fresh out of isolation, Muggins and Cream discuss the cartoon characters of their youth interfering with world events, witches and wet lipped politicians. 

Yeah, Danny, we're doing an intro. We'll do one together. We? I've started recording. All right. Well, it sounds like you're doing it. Welcome to Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. Thank you to everybody who signed up on Patreon,

and you're getting this on a Monday, because you get it on early access, whatever tier of Patreon you are on. So congratulations to you guys, to everybody else listening to it on a Wednesday. Losers, get your fingers out. Stop sitting on the fence. Make a contribution,

and also if you join the highest tier which is only a fiver the highest tier you get extra bonus episodes every Thursday

aye well actually we'll do a video of it next time because we're we just like to see each other in public aye we'll do videos and even on the lowest tier

the £3 one you can get every Wednesday we'll clip a flashback episode as far back as 2016 on my opinions, haven't dated very well at all. Stuff that

we're going to get cancelled and put in front and centre. Anyway, that was the intro. Thanks for subscribing and everybody else, just thanks for listening. Thanks for being here in general. Daniel Sloss and Humphries on the road Muggins and cream cream and muggins straight thuggin living the dream

that's our intro fucking muggles tickling the clit inside your head to make you laugh they said it can't be done are we in the same seats that's hack

oh muggles accidental rip job in the park kiss kiss kiss or am I just being cynical just muggled it up on fucking mugglopedia where have you been since 9-11 Kiss, kiss, kiss. We're majestically cynical. Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia.

Where have you been since 9-11? What, me do it? Aye. Hello and welcome to Sloss and Humphreys On The Roads. First of all, non-COVID edition, which is obviously great. And also, we're actually on the road again. We're on the road? On the road again.

It's only part of that song that song I know I thought you were going to start freestyling there no because it's it's from when was the last time you watched Shrek Shrek it's been a long time

I can tell you go to Shrek and Crescent go on get out of my swamp Jesus Christ Jesus fucking Christ that's my go to Scottish accent

aye is it and how's Natalie with that aye aye I bet that's not the type of racism she expected to experience. She's like,

well, okay, I'm offended from the other side. This is new. This is exciting. When Shrek and Donkey go on the road, Donkey starts singing

on the road again. Just can't wait to get on the road again. But that's the only part of the song. I know. Slauson Humphrey's on the road again. Get out of my get on the road again but that's the only part of the song I know Slauson Humphreys on the road again

get out of my swamp nope I mean it's just I wonder if the Shrek films have aged well imagine the first one at least well do you think

it could be problematic well a donkey fucks a dragon mate aye but you know what it's free love aye maybe I could go ahead

of that time actually because it might do we watched Austin Powers the other week and that actually aged very well Aye, but you know what? It's free love. Aye, maybe. I could go ahead of that time, actually. Because it might do. We watched Austin Powers the other week and that actually aged very well. Not we, as in me and you and Cara. No, me and Cara the other day watched Legally Blonde. I've not ever seen it before.

And fucking Jennifer Gulledge fully uses the word spastic. Yes! She just drops something. She was like like why am I such a spastic and me and Cara were like whoa alright come on then easy so I just think it's

I think it's good to watch things from fucking back in the day and just go oh my god this hasn't aged that great but it's wrong to try and get something cancelled retrospectively. Oh, I think so too. It's just so stupid when they're like but they said this thing 20 years ago and you go, yeah, right, and it's

not great now. And it's really really good that you realise it's not applicable or appropriate now. That's good. But you can't fucking, you can't go back 20 years and be like everyone on Friends needs to die because there was

no black characters and they made a bunch of homophobic jokes we've got to get it fucking cancelled they made it Joey was overly persistent with women

he was very well yeah was he was Joey ever truly you know when he kept going to knock on the girl's house from across the thing

I was watching that guy and all this isn't aging great but it's still like you'd never like you just got that friends was friends friends was friends

lock that in it's there it's beyond reproach and we'll put it's not beyond reproach you're allowed to you're allowed to say this

this wouldn't get through now this wouldn't get through now and it's good and it's progressed and it wouldn't get through now don't fucking get it take it over Netflix any of that fucking shit it wouldn't get through now don't fucking get it taken off

of Netflix any of that fucking shit that's not

teaching anything that's just fucking silencing things you don't

like hearing because the cutting planet had an episode

of we're trying to solve the troubles oh

man Colin said that through very funny make

that again now fuck it let's go keep

going I've no problem with that what are you doing Colin said that through very funny make that again now fuck it let's go keep going I've no problem with that catching pitbull bombs in there what are you doing he's a fucking Protestant

he deserves to die okay well water fire earth compassion like apparently that was

do you not remember the episode of Pokemon when they took down the Berlin Wall no no I've not made that up

Jesus oh you've got a written lie remember the episode of Pokemon when they took down the Berlin Wall? No. No, I made that up. Jesus. Oh, you've got a real time lie. On air. On air. You think they fucking got Geodude and Golem

to just start smashing it down? Well, it's a brick wall so we're going to have to use, I guess, a grass type of Pokemon. Has anyone got a Venasaur?

Maybe Squirtle? We can Squirtle down the Berlin Wall. That was a T-shirt quote, wasn't it? Letle squirtle down the Berlin Wall that was a that was a T-shirt quote let's squirtle down the Berlin Wall

do you not remember when Pikachu, Ash, Brock and Onix they all got together to stop the Rwandan Genocide

Pikachu stopped him and tried to save the oh I'm going to fuck this up it was the Soxies and the Sootsies

but I can't remember who was the bastards do youies and the Sootsies but I can't remember who was the bastards do you not remember the Power Rangers in Jerusalem form of

don't don't don't make any form oh man well that was a fun bit do you not remember

when Hey Arnold got sent to Auschwitz they got there Well, that was for a bit. Do you not remember when Hey Arnold got sent to Auschwitz? They got the anarchist feminism way wrong. I mean, if anyone, it should have been. Aye. I remember when Dora the Explorer solved apartheid.

Solved apartheid. You see a problem here? What could it be? I fucking miss... I guess I don't miss cartoons, but I like the... Thank you for showing me that cartoon. I'm absolutely going to have to re-watch

because I was drunk as fuck when I watched it. You're talking about Invincible. Invincible. What a fucking cartoon. So good. Done in the style of all of the cartoons I watched as a kid aye

like you're not you're He-Man you're X-Men you're Thundercats you're like if anyone's not watched it yet it's on Amazon

it's the comic books were written by Robert Kirkman who's the guy Walking Dead Walking Dead yeah and look ignore the last

19 seasons of Walking Dead and focus on the first five the whole point of Walking Dead was they were going to keep it

going for as long as they could keep it going it was eventually going to fizzle out. They never had an ending for it. That was the plan. And I kept up with the comic books and I kept up with the series for as long as I could keep up with them.

And then I was like, right, I'm done. I'm tapping out. And good on them for trying to keep it going because that was the plan. It was meant to be a soap. Aye, aye. But then I think he was just like, we're done it now. I think it got up to 30 graphic novels and I stopped around 27. Yeah, that was a bit of a...

And my dad's just like, for the love of God, just finish it. Like, I promise you, it's over. For me, it was when they started wearing zombie skins. They started skinning zombies and walking around with the zombie skins on. That's, for me, when I felt like they jumped the shark. Aye, aye. There was also... Man, Negan was really good.

He was a saving grace in the comic books for so much. And I thought he was brilliant in the TV series Negan. I know some people didn't. But he was just such a brilliant bastard in the comic books. Anyway, Robert Kirkman is a superb graphic novel writer. And a brutal graphic novel writer. Because if you remember some of the stuff from Walking Dead, that didn't make it into the show.

Like when Michonne fucking got a captured by the governor and literally fucking raped and galloped for about three months she had him kneeling on a plank of two by four wood

knee on each side with his cock nailed to the middle aye and when he come round she scooped a spoon that was already

up his ass and used that to take his eyeball out. Eye. Eye. That's what level of fucking graphic novel Robert Kirkman was writing that he chose. I've got this thing for TV

and TV were like, we'll smash Glenn's head in with a barbed wire thing but we're not going to do the cock nailed to the plank of wood thing. We can't poop a scoop with an eyeball. I just can't get it past the censored yeah

if you were South Park we might be able to let you do it because it's a comic book but that's the great thing about this Invincible series

is because it's a cartoon an adult cartoon with a fucking chock-a-block fucking cast by the way it's like

J.K. Simmons Sandra oh fucking what are I'm such a bastard for not knowing Glenn's name in real life I'm a a bastard for not knowing Glenn's name in real life

I'm a fan of his he did Conan Without Borders a bunch of times and he was really funny in the sketch on the sketch show I think you should leave

aye fuck I'm an asshole for not knowing his name anyway there's a bunch of other ones fucking Seth Rogen's in it like there's it's just a really

good fucking cast and without you watch the first episodes and the last 10 minutes you'll go oh okay I now understand

why everyone's talking about this I've never been actually astonished as much as like because we drank quite a bit of whiskey last night

and we just got carried away we're like early shows we didn't get carried away Marlena fucking texted us

it was rebellion it was teenage rebellion like we're down I'm a 30 year old man you're a 45 year old man whoa we're down

what was that I'm just Jesus oh yeah that'll be Beth just next week we were down and obviously

we're air quotes recovering from COVID despite the fact that we both didn't fucking test so we don't have anymore but we're still

a bit tired and fucking this is what Merlin does I mean again it comes from a place of love but it's just micromanagement

and she just messaged us both being like so just recommend you probably don't drink too much on stage tonight

just to help you recover and I was like I wasn't even going to drink but now that you've told me not to do it

I'm off to buy a bottle of whiskey to have a look between shows she was like I wasn't even going to drink but now that you've told me not to do it I'm off to buy a bottle of whiskey to have a Lucas Aid between shows she was like micromanaging like when I had me specific drinks for energy levels

which is kind of like adorable in a way but like how am I don't tell us when to drink Lucas Aid if you

don't man if you tell me to do something I will just not fucking do it like unless it's literally my job, anything else nah

so in childish rebellion we polished off a bottle of whiskey yesterday and drank with for a meal because there was whiskey available at the Japanese place that I went to when it was over in Birmingham and we were sitting in a window seat in this great fucking ramen

restaurant and I can't remember what you were talking to me about because I wasn't really listening. Oh, yeah! You were like bashfully flirting with us while I was talking. It was so weird. I was like, Danny's never normally this responsive. Like on a podcast,

you were acting like podcast responsible almost. Just me and you in a table conversation and then you explain to us what had just happened over the course of the last five minutes

we were in a window sitting in the fucking restaurant and there was a gay couple just outside the window right just fucking canoodling

having a little bit of PDA but here's the thing man I I like seeing gay couples being able to do public displays of affection yeah

normalise as much as possible yeah and also I love the fact that like you're in fucking Birmingham and you see fucking lads and nobody's

bothering them like it's just so normal and I think it's you know I imagine it's not the experience all the time for gay people but when I just say

I'm like fucking good for you it's still probably jarring to an older generation aye but for us it's like oh this is just this is normal now

this is brilliant this is progress in society yeah it's just absolutely so you won't be witnessing this but to witness it you had to look in that direction yeah and I was just staring and obviously I've got quite a fucking resting bitch face anyway and I'm just a bit of a miserable fucking cunt and one of the guys

keeps looking over at me and I'm just like oh fuck like oh and I've been saying that for a bit but it's just one of those moments

where I'm not staring at them the whole time I'm looking around but literally every time we both look around we both make eye contact so it looks like

you're staring it looks like I'm staring and I'm just worried in my head I'm like paranoid being like do I look like a fucking homophobe here

like what's the best way to do it and then I realised, I'm sat at a table with a bloke. So I start twirling my hair. I'm laughing at all your jokes and I'm like,

I'm not, me too. Like, I'm not. I couldn't be homophobic. I was in the zone in that five minutes of conversation.

You put me in the fucking zone. I was like, I'm fucking crushing it. I'm getting out of my chat. I'm getting my confidence. I zone I was like I'm fucking crushing him he had all my chat he gave me confidence he made me feel great I got fucking used I just didn't want him

to think I was homophobic so I pretended to be gay that's progress right that's not well

I'm gonna get cancelled in 20 years for that anyway back to Invincible aye you've known men's arseholes so yeah

I'm going to watch it again because I'm going to definitely indulge in the series but I feel like I was memories too hammered to take it all in

you know when I watch it again I go oh yeah oh yeah I probably need it previously on that's all I think I think it does have a previously on

at the start of each episode anyway but also it gets way fucking better it's just one of those series where every episode sort of builds up and then there's one

without this is no spoilers obviously there's one particular scene in the final episode where like in a load

in the fucking snook where I was watching it in the house I audibly went what the fuck why did you draw that like fine

like as if the artist is going to have PTSD from drawing it when I was just look at them pictures dude I was like I was like it's one of those scenes

where I was like you could never it was another poop scooping eye thing I was like there's no way you would have been allowed to do that

fucking scene if it was real life yeah is that a bee it's a dead bee fuck that's a dead bee why is it backstage

did you not feed a chug of water I didn't did you not see it there and then because I do I do do that and let me tell you what

fucking YouTube's a fucking liar man you're fucking like Marlene at the bees well because you're just like oh you're gonna have some of this sugar water for your dick. Fuck off mate man. Have it between flowers. You'll be fine. It'll make you feel better. I've just had a fucking shit ton of pollen. What are you making us drink the sugar water for? You can't be buzzing around all day long. Your body's too big for

your wings. Scientists always say that you shouldn't be able to fly but some way you can you've got to be exhausted Gareth Waugh used to have one of my favourite fucking bits in the world what did it go off it

but this really good bit about bees but you know when you fucking you know when you're writing together with your mates right and you just

get a bit and it's the funniest thing in the room with you and your mates right but for some fucking reason like audiences only give it 70

75 percent of what it deserves maybe more maybe less but it's never what it was in the room you can never find the essence of when you made your mates laugh i and but the thing is like man i still love that gareth ward joke so fucking much but i just want to be like i'm not doing it anymore man like people it's too long it's too weird but he just had this entire fucking fucking bit about going out and he's like

people go you've got to go outside and give give sugar water to the bees he's like no I'm not fucking running

a bee bar and if I was running a bee bar I'd call it Justin's Justin's bee bar and then it was just a bunch of really shit but brilliant bee puns and then bar and then it was just a bunch of really

shit but brilliant bee puns and then this and then this entire fucking rant when he was just going he's like you know they say

oh you know if all the bees die humans will die out we've been to the fucking moon we'll work it out fuck em

and it was I mean I'll never do it Justin because I'll never be able to fucking recapture it but you know that bit where he's just like oh god I just wished that you wish it pinged I wish it ping because I'll never fucking recapture it but you know that bit where you're just like oh god I just wished that

you wish it pinged I wish it pinged I wish it banged mate because it was such a good is there any jokes that you've given up on that you just couldn't get the ping

I used to have a bit I remember my dad was so not angry but he was so gutted that I dropped the bit it was years and years ago

but he still brings it up he's like please revisit it because you know maybe the reason you're a better comic now you can probably get your teeth into it a bit your lips are ruined teeth into it is what I was looking for but lips are ruined it's going to be when you go to

I used to have a bit but it was just whenever fucking you know whenever you're hanging out with stories they go if you could be any animal what would you be and the answer is always human like there's no animal that I'm fucking jealous of like I wouldn't

want to be a polar bear I'm like really you want that the whole act was just me being a fucking polar bear and realising that

my entire fucking existence is just chasing a group of other animals and not to kill the strongest one like I'm not an alpha I'm picking off

the smallest weakest penguin isolating a seal oh yeah isolating a fucking grandad one just ripping out all of his fucking guts

freezing cold water miserable miserable every day the land I live on gets fucking smaller but I'm not sure why I'm like

I fucking swear this was a bigger boat yesterday walking hundreds of miles to find a mate and the minute you find one you get battered by someone hotter But I'm not sure why. I'm like, I fucking swear this was a bigger boat yesterday. Walking hundreds of miles to find a mate and the minute you find one you get battered by someone harder.

And even if you win the fight you've just been in a fight with a polar bear. You can't be arsed by a shark anymore. It's not worth it. There might be some point

in your fucking future where you run into that because you don't help raise the kids right but you're wondering next winter you're fucking starving

you might have to eat your own son imagine just fucking bubbing hey you're the girl I banged last year how

are you and she holds up a baby and you're like fucking I am famished thank you so much for bringing this I was wondering

what I was going to eat I couldn't even get the runt of the seal that I have I'll tell wondering what I was going to eat. I couldn't even get the runt of the seal that I have. I'll tell you what, I'll slap you across the jaw. You go find another man and I'll just fucking

eat our baby together. You complained that you had to carry it for nine months. How about I carry it and send it to you? I put it in my belly for nine hours

and then have a shit. What other animals then? Oh, I wish I was a fucking eagle so I could soar and so I could fly and so I could eat worms and then spew them

into my baby's mouth oh I should have stopped with the soaring and flying can you imagine that your mom Denna oh god

she's just oh she's got to spew her mouse up I I'm halfway I have fucking I didn't ask to come into this world

why are you spewing a mouse open to me God I used to have another bit that I couldn't ever get fucking working

which was you know all those man versus nature shows man versus nature who will win

man we've won there's no Arctic left like just because somebody occasionally

dies in the Amazon doesn't mean we are not fucking owning the Amazon. We're dropping those fucking trees down. We're gutting it. If we threw all 7, 8 billion people at the Amazon, it would probably be gone within fucking days, man. I mean, it'll be gone in a couple of years, and we're still conserving it.

To be Joe Rogan here, we'll mould on a sandwich. Who would win mould or sandwich? The sandwich isn't fighting back. The jokes that I couldn't really get fair in, ironically, was about women making bullets during World War I. The fact that we're proud of the fact that we're proud of is that women made the bullets during World War I working in factories. And that fact would never match up with the first fact that we're proud of. I can't remember the exact

start, but I had the exact start for the thing where it was something like half the bullets didn't go off. Obviously, it's probably because of the gun powder gets wet in transit. Yeah, it should be. The gun designs are anything literally mass produced

at a moment's notice it's not going to be it's now to deal with the women right it's like

that is I'm trying to imply that throughout the whole thing right but you do now that

somebody runs over the trenches they didn't want to get out of the trenches but they get

shot in the back off the road fucking general if they don't so they run an hour. They're going to die, right? They're just hoping that they get a kill first,

so they've made a contribution to the war effort, right? And they raise up their gun, and they look down the barrel of the rifle, and fucking get a jury in their sights. And then they can click. Oh, women. And then the side of their head comes off

no no just the German guy fires clicks and then just goes ah dammen oh yeah then they have like

a moment of solidarity like I tried different permutations of the joke where they were having moments of solidarity over just like the women working in the factories because it was happening

for the same for the Germans too it just it didn't need to be said that was the problem with the joke the problem was like shh just, it didn't need to be said. That was the problem with the joke. The problem was, like, shh, just stop talking about that. This isn't helping. Yeah, also, women have also been,

are normally the butts of the joke in fucking comedy clubs from lazy comics. So a lot of the time, people misinterpret it. You go, no, no, no, there's layers to this. Don't get me wrong. The base is, is like I'm obviously being sexist but I'm trying

to do it in such a subversive way I'm trying to say that there would have been a sexist man at the time that had that attitude well man the other

thing is one bit fucking comrade is I'm and it's so hard to do sometimes the hardest bits to do are when you play the

fucking asshole right because if I mean especially with the shows that we've done where we do like fucking progressive jokes or shows with fucking messages it means occasionally you can't just fucking step back and go

I've got jokes in this year's show where I'm very clearly just I'm going to say the worst thing that I don't fucking mean and people go oh but normally you're so nice and correct and I'm like aye but I like being the aye I like being a like aye but I like being there aye I like being a I like being dark

and edgy sometimes it's like it's a cliche thing to say as a comedian it really is but sometimes you like just testing that line for me comedy was always

if you can justify the unjustifiable that's funny like if you can take something like Bill Burr is a master of it, just in a sense. He's going to say something that nobody agrees with.

Like, for example, he's got a bit about why he hates dogs. He's like, I fucking hate dogs. And obviously nobody apart from you hates dogs. Whoa! And it was... You're going to exaggerate everything. I'm 45, I hate dogs. Look, I'm 37, nearly 38,

and I hate the listener's dog. The person listening to this, you as an individual. I can't love your dog the way you do. But you eventually... That hurt people, by the way. You know that. You know that hurt people.

Well, it's nice of you to do it on a non-Patreon episode, starting tagging random on these members. But eventually get Frank to this fucking bit where he's got his own dog and he loves it and I think it's brilliant. I'm like, that's really good because you took the audience from something

that they all fundamentally disagreed with and through language and words and faulty but like seemingly logical arguments you manage to get them fucking on your site that's great if you can say

something horrendous and then get people to fucking laugh at it that's great but he's got he's got some really like

the stuff that you just can't agree with but it's funny that he's saying it like there's stuff about Rihanna and who was it Chris Brown Chris Brown attacked that for no reason he's like no reason he shouldn't have done it like there's stuff about Rihanna and who was it Chris Brown

Chris Brown attacked that for no reason he shouldn't have done it but he didn't just start hitting it he was like

I can think of seven reasons right now and I'm not even drunk and that's his approach to the whole thing

was that shouldn't have done it there's probably a reason it didn't need to be said you're looking

at that guy you don't need to be joking about that really and you can see why some people have went

off him because of it but I like that he goes there I like that he tries to find comedy from them positions it's also like I think he goes to the same

fucking problem that Jim Jefferies often like suffers which is you don't get to pick your fucking fans now don't get me wrong like one thing I will say against them

is you do curate your fans like you do whatever jokes you do bring a certain fucking audience right and they come and they fucking enjoy like people will what men some men will watch jim jeffries do a bunch of anti-woman shit and they'll just be laughing at the fact that he's saying horrible shit about women ignoring the fact that most of the time he's the fucking butt of the joke or he's being this but sometimes I think with comics like

that you could have a fucking bit more responsibility where you go right look now let's fucking take a step back and I don't actually fucking think this

and I think Bard doesn't do enough of that like he'll sit there and say fucking things and people will fucking laugh and I'm like man

I know 75% of the audience are laughing because it's funny but 25% are not getting the irony in your joke they're just laughing at fuck women and I do think sometimes you have to take fucking responsibility there and go it's my job to make sure that the bad people aren't laughing at the wrong bits of this fucking joke because otherwise you give them the confidence to it's like using fucking VR words

in public like I'll happily use that word in private conversation I'd never do it publicly because I cannot trust that other

people won't use it in fucking horrendous ways like they won't you know you do about I had I don't know

it was when I first started out I realised that these people were in the audience right I used to do a joke about when I worked at the sports't know it was when I first started out I realised that these people were in the audience right I used to do a joke about when I worked

at the sports centre and it was based on a real poster right where they've got the child running and I'll say no running like a cartoon of a child

and then I'll be like the one kid they've coloured in brown for diversity purposes which was true there was one kid on this whole poster with like 12 different

rules on one kid they coloured in brown for diversity purposes was told no bombing right and I had a few punchlines that

come off the back of that joke right and somebody saw us after the gig and started blowing smoke

at my arse and telling us it was a great gig and then he was like oh man I love the one about the

pack here at the swim pool I was like that's not what the joke was that's not what the joke was man

didn't mean saying that didn't mean doing that that didn't mean to didn't mean to say that to me I was like fuck you fuck you mate my eyes widened on him

I was like no no this isn't who I am as a comic like they don't take they don't take that at face value

they're laughing at their fucking inadvertent racism from somebody who had one job that's what the joke is the joke is they were trying to be inclusive

and they actually made it way fucking nice yeah fuck man and I guess the bigger you are and the more

widespread you are and the more people get to see your stuff the more people like that in the audience you're gonna get to

follow you aye and don't be wrong I do think you know comics are allowed to always not hide my but always use the

thing of it's just a joke. And I fucking agree all the time. It's just a joke. It's a joke. If a man or a woman said the fucking joke into a microphone in a comedy club, it was a fucking joke. But on the other side of fucking things, if you're hiding behind it's just a joke all the time, you're not putting effort into your jokes. If you're one def it's just a joke all the time you're not putting your pepper into

your jokes if you're one defences of just kidding you're like right well just because you're just kidding doesn't automatically make it

fucking funny yeah you like I'll absolutely forgive myself immediately for a swing and a miss aye right as long as

like you grow from it and learn from it and try not to swing and a miss try and try and land more frequently aye yeah

just make sure that you're like if you if you say something I mean man I've done fucking plenty of jokes where you know

in hindsight they were types of phobic that I'm no longer fucking proud of like man I used to do a lot of fat shaming jokes

yeah and now that I'm not happy I'm not going to go back and fucking delete them and I'm also not going to do a fucking apology to her off the back of it but what I will do happy I'm not going to go back and fucking delete them and I'm also not

going to do a fucking apology to her off the back of it but what I will do is I'll not do jokes about fucking

fat people anymore because I'm just like what's the fucking point and also they're giving her a hard enough time

grow in that sense and go what am I going to talk about fucking this year who is the butts of my jokes here

and have they been the butt of the joke for most of their fucking life that's why I saw somebody peddling themselves as a right wing comedian

the right wing comedian that was in the fucking banners on the video and I clicked on the video he was just fat shaming I was like

that's not what right wing is it's not a political opinion you're just being an arsehole to people right wing comics aren't right wing

comics they're just fucking people that want to be able to say fucking mong and retard and spastic and faggot and all these other fucking horrible things again. And they want to just hide behind the guys and say, oh, I'm just joking. And you go, man, you're allowed to just be joking. But people are always allowed to look at your jokes and go, those are shit. And they're not laughing.

They're not not laughing at the jokes because they're necessarily more sensitive. But it's because your jokes were funny 35 fucking years ago like you've not updated none of what you're saying is new or challenging like you don't have to fucking be progressive you just have to in fact i would argue that it's probably easier to be a right-wing comic at the moment right because well even though we've got fucking right-wing government and comedy is inherently about speaking truth to fucking power there is power on the left with air quotes, cancel culture

and fucking whatnot. Man, you can challenge those people's thoughts in ways that are funnier than what you're fucking doing it.

But you can't do it because you're just shit. You're just a shit fucking comic who wants to fucking do racist jokes. And you want to just say

shitty things about people you hate because you're fucking sad on the inside. Because you're not a good comic. There's a lot of, like, sneering towards woke coming from that angle. Anybody that's sat on that side of the fence is, like, acting like, you know,

the buzzwords like woke and snowflakes and shit like that. Like, are you, like, are you trying to tear down empathy and compassion is that your angle well i think that i think that like you know man i get it we first of all there's no there's no it's cancel culture is this big thing there's no cancel culture mob by the way it's not like the nazis there's not like a group of them it's not like there's tories and there's a group of tories and they're fucking charged

but they'll do the same thing. It's like the way the American fucking propaganda works when they, they'll talk about socialists. They'll never show you

the socialists. They'll never show you the communists but it's just this big oogie fucking boogie boogie man that's just out there that's this fucking evil. It's not tangible.

Aye. Oh, there's cancel culture out there. Oh, I get what you mean. There's a bunch of instances where people were called on their shit and some of it was right and some of it was absolutely fucking wrong.

But don't pretend it's the same people every fucking time. Like, it's a mindset that a group of people have. And also, if you want to ignore it, get the fuck off of Twitter. It's impossible to be fucking cancelled, like unless you're like a rapist or a fucking murderer, you've done something genuinely against the

law. It's impossible to be cancelled if you're not online. It's impossible. It's just like Cameron James said on the fucking podcast a while ago there was a comic and it's a host of the project out of Australia

and he got cancelled for a comic he made a while ago but he's not on Twitter and just the makeup artist

was like oh how you doing he's like yeah fine he's like you've been cancelled

and he was like oh okay and then went to his job have me cereal go to work make love to me

wife you just wait on a fucking website and you read all the horrible comics and I know that plays against your mind you weren't cancelled you were yelled at

for a shit joke and there's many different ways to react to it you can go I'm going to keep fucking telling the joke and nobody's stopping

you doing it you're not not being booked in comedy clubs because of your joke you're not being booked in comedy clubs because you're not in the top 20% of comedians

and as well like people can stop finding you funny if they see your true nature so if you get someone like Louis CK who's telling the jokes that he tells they're not as funny if you know there's a bad man behind them yeah you know what I mean like Bill Burr gets away with it because he's sound

and he can tell his sound, so he can tackle anything and go down dangerous places because you're not really... You know it's not really him. Yeah, he's just such a heightened fucking character. But when, like, Louis C.K., all the things that he was funny about, you know, he was a gross man

and it was always just this hidden, insular shame that he had. And then you realise it wasn't insular, it was actually out in public. And you go, Oh, motherfucker, no! And this is the thing. I'll fucking say this on the podcast. Any American comedian, and I mean literally any of them,

that say they didn't know what Louis C.K. was up to during the years is full of fucking shit. Oh, really? Wasn't that open? Man, I went to fucking Just for Laughs comedy festival in 2000

and I'm going to say 10 or 11 and me, like at this point, like man, I'm just doing 10s and 15s. Like I'm not doing my fucking show.

I'm not fucking big. I heard the fucking rumours then. I was told the fucking stories then and I was a nobody from Scotland. If I knew what he was up to Scotland if I knew what he was up to fucking everyone knew what he was up to you weren't getting the hot scoop in the green room

that was fucking on every single wall of every single comedy club it's the same reason that everyone knows that James Corden is a fucking cunt and that Peter Kay is a cunt these are stories that exist on the fucking circuit you get it from staff at venues

yeah like everyone fucking knows oh I can't believe James Gordon's an arsehole yes you fucking can what are you anyone that's worked with him says he's a fucking arsehole

anyone that's worked with Peter Kay will tell you there are so many horror stories of these people on the fucking circuit that when it finally goes public

people and this is where I might agree with some of the fucking writer comics I'm like look at you virtue signal

and pretending you didn't fucking know I'm like you fucking knew man aye yes

who do you want to get cancelled next we're talking about this so much oh Pasco I love the theory she's a bully or something like that

she's being really really fucking abusive and manipulating and fucking runners at shows or whatever. I see. I love it. I get fun, dude. She's probably sound. She's probably an absolute darling. Well, my one nice story about Sarah Baskin,

the reason I liked her for years and years, was when we were at Latitude Festival one year like I was with her and a bunch of other comics and we were just sat down and she was like do you want to do a pill? And I was like yeah I'll do a fucking pill

so she went and she got us both pills and I did one, she did one and about 45 minutes later I was like fucking hell he's a strong one and she was like you didn't do a full one did you? and I did one she did one and I'm like 45 minutes later I was like fucking hell these are strong and she was like you didn't do a full one did you and I was like yes

she was like I said only do half and I'm like fuck and she went I don't want to win it and then popped the second half and then she had the other half

where and I was like alright that's a good that's alright maybe she's just a drug addict alright buy that old belly of steel

buying drugs off a teenager there we are watching the one show like I do I've got a fucking fascination with like cancellations

and stuff just because I do you know it's such a weird fucking public trial fucking

that we do like you know I don't want to use the fucking term witch hunts because like using the term witch hunt

is inherently wrong really trivialises what was actually happening back then the word murder and women yeah yeah the reason witch hunts

is a horrible term is because witches don't and never have existed so what a witch hunt actually is is killing women

that can do maths aye it's killing innocent fucking people because of just their fucking opinions and that's not what any of you

are going for you're not being fucking witched hunt you're being called a cunt because you are a cunt now don't get me wrong you have a right to be a fucking cunt

but you don't have a right to fucking stage time or success you're comparing this with being thrown in a river and if you drown you're comparing this with being thrown in a river and if you drown you're innocent and if you float

you're a witch and you're gonna get burned aye you're comparing that to not being able to say spastic

do you know like wait a minute I might have told this on the podcast already but do you know

when the last witch air quotes was was punished on the podcast already but do you know when the last witch, air quotes, was punished in Scotland? Oh, alright, like 1600,

late 1600s or something. 1918. Oh wow. But for really good reasons. So during World War II, Can't wait to hear this. She flew by on a broomstick. She was part of the German bomber she was on. so during World War 2 can't wait to hear this she flew behind

a broomstick she was part of the German bomber she was on the she was on the back of the fucking broom she was cackling

with her Luftwaffe she basically during World War 1 I'm pretty sure it was people what's the

Auschwitz fuck you fuck you fuck you that was World War 2 but good joke during World War 1 obviously there was just mass amounts

of fucking men dying and there was a lots of there were lots of fucking widows right and there was this

woman who was Scottish widows Scottish Scottish widows is where they started she was offering like

fucking seances and taking money off of fucking widows being like I can talk to your husband from beyond the grave if you give me 20 bob

30 fucking bob whatever and she would just make shut up and she was just scamming grieving fucking people and like the local government were so fucking

or was she offering them some kind of relief and solace and consolation? No, she was profiting off of it. She was profiting off of it. Profiting off of it. However you look at it. You could have done it for free

and then I guess it's fine. It's like fucking Mystic Megs horoscopes. But you're a liar. You know you're a fucking charlatan. You know what you're doing is not real. You're scamming people

based on their grief. Yeah, you're scamming vulnerable fucking people during a war when everyone's going through fucking abject poverty is

fucking well by the way. But they couldn't fucking punish her for this. Like a Tory donor. But because they

hadn't changed the laws on witches they just stopped burning them. But the law had never been fucking deleted that you could punish a

woman for some form of witchcraft they're like are you actually talking to the dead so they let her have it of course I am they're like good

you're in fucking jail you fucking witch and she was like no no it's a no I'm a cunt no I am a witch oh fuck no

you're like what's the smallest sentence what's the smallest sentence on being a witch or being a con artist I'll tell you what the fucking shortest sentence is fuck off you cunt no I'm fucking small sentence on being a witch or being a con artist. I'll tell you what the fucking shortest sentence is. Fuck off, you cow.

Aye. I'm fucking, eh. I think we should do that more, man. Anyone that fucking, I love that law. Let's keep that. Anyone that claims to fucking talk to ghosts. Man, you're a witch. You're a witch.

Aye, the laws are there. Aye. Self-confessed. You can only be a self-confessed witch these days. And you're fucking gold the matter we can't we don't know we don't know how you do it

like it's dangerous you can talk to the fucking dead it's possible you could go work for the fucking enemy and you talk to like our dead people from beyond the grave and work out where all the fucking

nuclear codes are or all the fucking bases are we have to lock you away because you're too fucking powerful unless you admit that you're a fucking charlat you admit that you're a fucking charlatan then you

get floated floated up the tiny all those fucking twats

should we talk about Matt Hancock sure like how where and that's that done that's it let's put that to bed then Sure. Like, howare.

And that's that done. That's it. Let's put that to bed then. Like, howare man. These are the people that we expect to fucking care about were the health secretary

who's meant to care about us and they're fucking shitting in their own nest. They don't even care for their own families. And we expect them to look after us in what time we need.

And then fucking, Boris Johnson now, fucking absolute hands tied. He cannot, he cannot speak out about what he's done, breaching the COVID rules and cheating on his wife, because the cunts in fucking, a marriage that happened out of his own wedlock.

Aye. Aye. The cunt couldn't say anything about it, so he has to stand there and just go aye they still don't know where I

sound like the fucking it's such a fucking terrible standard of just being a decent human

that they're setting from a position of leadership aye but then again nobody and this is for fucking both sides

well not necessarily nobody there must be some good but career politicians all evil like you

like what are you if you want to be a politician you shouldn't be a politician that's the shame of it no one's getting picked like jury service it should be fucking like

Julie Dewey it should be but it should be Julie Dewey based on fucking qualifications right so you should just fucking sit there you've been a teacher for 20 fucking years it should be not but it should be duty duty based on fucking qualifications right so you should just

fucking sit there you've been a teacher for 20 fucking years you've worked your fucking way up you've been fucking underpaid the entire time you've had to pay for

your students fucking pencils and all the stuff coming out of your own wages right eventually and this is the last thing you want you've just retired

you've done your fucking shift as a teacher and it comes to the mail oh fuck I'm the head of

oh I'm the fucking minister of education oh shite and obviously there's the fucking fee

there and you get like the fucking politicians wage when it's 100 200 300 fucking grand a year

and that's how they entice you out and it goes sorry but it's you or a

Tory and you're like no I'll do it I've had good virtue I'll do my life so congratulations

Miss Smith you were a phenomenal nurse for several years you went into paediatrics which we thought

was great you delivered literally thousands of babies you were there for grieving mothers and

fathers and then we remember you took the two years off and you retrained in something mothers and fathers and then remember you took the two years off and you retrained and something else and you actually came back

as a surgeon you became the head of your department congratulations and congratulations on your retirement by the way

you're not fucking retired you're now the head of the health secretary of the UK oh you

motherfuckers you mother no but I'll do it it should be a poison chalice it should be like a real like you've got you get given this like

prestige it should be like a noble position where everyone fucking has like claps like fucking well played taking that role

stepping up when society needs you to step up it shouldn't be somebody that fucking weaseled away in with fucking slitting the right the right throats

and fucking sucking the right dicks and fucking being career climbers that get into the position

and then use the position to fucking filter money from the public coffers into their friends pockets

for various contracts right like fuck that guy man fuck that guy he is a made

man because of how many millionaires he's so right during his fucking tenure as health secretary the guy is fucking walking away smile on his face

going I'm fucking sorted aye like it doesn't matter that you've retired from that position you've fucking done enough when you were there

to see yourself right the guy fucking you cannot lose I look forward to in 25 years time getting the letter of finally I've done all my shows

we're done touring it's all over congratulations Daniel the Secretary of Theatre and the Arts in the UK I'll just be like

fuck but alright opera's cancelled opera's cancelled opera's cancelled or if you don't want me to cancel it it's now

15% of the ticket price let's stop pretending this is fucking high art let's stop right ballet you can stay because that's

really physically taxing but also I'll lose the suits stop this so you can you can enjoy ballet in a fucking sweatshirt

I turn about you're like I go there fucking normally stop making it a class divide yeah stop it why is it a class divide why is this particular

entertainment man if you man I don't know if you've ever seen fucking good ballet but I remember for years and years I thought I hated ballet

just because man it's fucking dancing on your toes and then you actually see the best of it and you go oh man this is just like another fucking form of gymnastics like it's fucking dancing on your toes and then you actually see the best of it and you go oh man

this is just like another fucking form of gymnastics like it's just another form of like stretching and fucking bending but

can we get all those eh old nonces out of the audience like stop pretending you're enjoying ballet because you understand the expression

aye nah nah nah you're enjoying fucking teenagers in fucking tight nah you're enjoying fucking teenagers in fucking tights you're just looking right up here I've seen what you

had for a son of a dinner when she does a high kick dirty old bastard aye oh I just actually like the expressive form of the art

name two of the songs huh Swan Lake fuck I just know one you'd do a musicals at least make them have like intervals where they have little bits of chat it with musicals at least make them have like intervals

where they have little bits of chat yeah or musicals wouldn't be allowed to you're not allowed to do one without dialogue

certainly if they're breaking the song it can't just be permanent song no then you're if you're a constant song you're not a musical you're an opera

and you fucking go to that audience stop lying to me and being like oh it's a musical you're singing all the time it's such a weird thing for it to get vexed

about man man I hate it just constantly singing just stop and just like fucking I like

normal musicals like fucking Moana Moana yes all the fucking Disney ones all classics we will rock

yeah I know a lot of people give it a hard time but I think it's actually fucking fairly decent Book of Mormon real fucking good

and I'm sure there's other musicals I would go out there everyone's talking about Jamie I've not seen it but I imagine

I'd fucking love it how fucking dare you sing the entire fucking stop it what are you doing like I remember trying to watch

The Greatest Showman right Cara fucking loves it my younger cousins fucking love it oh it's when they're like they try and do like little links where they're just

having a conversation with each other and they're just having a conversation with each other and they're just singing oh no I'm sad I'm not going to walk to the shop just walk to the stop singing

fucking scene settings you can actually just chat your way through this bit oh it's fucking build it up Hamilton shite lame as shite

Hamilton was piping hot garbage when we watched it like honestly I think it's pretty talented Hamilton oh oh don't be wrong

that everyone in it is talented and every part but just because talent was involved at every level doesn't mean it's still not piping hot fucking garbage

I think it's well written it's catchy I imagine most of the people who wrote on Phoenix Nights were probably talented it's still piping hot fucking garbage right it's just doesn't matter how many sometimes a bunch of talented people who wrote on Phoenix Nights were probably talented. It's still piping hot fucking garbage. Right?

It's just, it doesn't matter how many, sometimes, a bunch of talented people just make fucking shit. Undigestible fucking shit. And fuck, man, I love the history of America.

I find it fucking fascinating. When I heard the concept of Hamilton, I'm like, you're gonna, through song, explain to me independence in America. Brilliant. You're gonna rap it as well, explain to me independent America. Brilliant.

You're going to rap it as well. I like rap. This is, oh, it's the whole, oh, God. You know, Natalie pointed something out about, she was like, oh, one day after a couple of hundred years of time, they just did a fucking stage show where the big up Matt Hancock, after he cheated on his wife. Because that's what happens in Hamilton, isn't it? It's like he fucking cheats on his missus.

I think it was fine back then he has the the Reynolds pamphlet where he fucking makes an announcement about it basically he has his dirty laundry

on Facebook but of the 1800s aye but with the fucking printing press aye em fucking

Catherine Ryan had a fucking bit about that I'm gonna butcher it was the bit about, you know, there's a song in it. You've seen it, right?

Aye. You know, Natalie forced us to watch it on the worst night you could ever force. Like, to make me enjoy Hamilton, there's a certain scenario.

You give me half a bottle of wine, we've had a fucking steak dinner, and you told me in the morning I was going to be watching fucking Hamilton. What you don't do is while we're all on coke

go do you want to I'm putting it on and just putting it on and nobody else in the room wanted on apart from Cara who was blind drunk and Elliot was like

has Cara seen Hamilton before? and I was like no he's like she's singing the song she's singing along I'm like she's not singing the songs she's just she's making the noises there was I'm like she's not singing the songs she's just she's making the noises and

there was a song Calday where he's like how am I supposed to say no to this and that's what he's singing about like I can't turn down this offer

off this girl when he's away from home and Calvin Ryan was like you said it you just said no you just said no and he starts to sing but he's got two kids

called Philip do you know how many kids you're going to have if you're going to have two of them you've run out of all of

them look up my bits so that I haven't just butchered it it's a very funny bit about Hamilton

but that's exactly like it would be like just now looking back on this pandemic releasing a

musical and fucking glamorising Matt Hancock aye well you know what I get what

you're saying but like these people like despite their fucking like transgressions in their family life

arguably depending on what's actually wrong did fucking good things for the country Matt Hancock's not done anything positive for the country

nah and that's what that's what I feel like infuriating the left at the minute is that he's done so many

more reprehensible things than the thing he's getting it's it's the fucking capone getting done for tax evasion isn't it he's fucking he's already there's debt there's blood on his hands just fucking public money in other people's pockets did you see do you see the stupid cunts that were just like fucking you see all these fucking lefties all year long they tell you what a fucking rag the sun is but now that the sun's exposed Matt Hancock, they're like they fucking love the song no cunts were grateful that he was fucking exposed

in the same way that I don't like guns but you see the gun that killed Hitler that was a class gun that was a really good gun I'm a fan of that gun. I hope it's never used again and I don't think gun should be legal in this fucking country. But I'm not going to deny

for a second that that gun, class gun. But if the sun got after that, nonce. Aye. It's just this idea, oh, so you fucking hate this thing and then they're on your side. First of all, they're not on my side. They finally did something instead of fucking harassing Meghan Markle. And don't get me wrong, I'm also not the biggest fucking Meghan Markle fan just because, man, you can't marry a prince and be like,

why is everyone looking at me? Come on, I get it, I get it. In an ideal world, in an ideal fucking world, you wouldn't be getting the fucking attention. But don't act... I was on the motorway and I got hit by a car as a married

man I'm not a big enough believer in fucking the one true love to think that there wasn't other options in the route she went

down right she was in suits man she was in horrible bosses like she she had options right and

by and look you love you love fucking Harry I fucking grate for you but I do walking into

a wood chip oh my god this wood chip. Oh, my God. Ah, this wood chip. I was mincing the pieces. We're victim blaming. It's what we're doing. Aye. This is a wrong approach, guys.

I don't think it's fucking victim blaming. I think it's... Like, I don't... Just because you get bad publicity and horrendous fucking publicity... Also, doesn't mean you're a great person. Like, I'm not. I don person like I'm not I don't care about him I don't care about Prince

Harry I would like to know nothing fucking about them right and I get it you're getting a lot of fucking press and negative fucking attention what I'd suggest you don't do though is go to the biggest television show in the world and complain about publicity like I do get the rights complaint about that I do get why they

see hypocrisy they're like you went on fucking Oprah Oprah no that's banned I've done this but then again maybe I should just

shut the fuck up about what we're going to cover going through maybe I should just fucking as a white man sit down and shut my goddamn mouth

yes that was a good closure on that topic I think fucking good anyway back to broads back to

the fucking eye the sun like people the fucking watermark they're shooting that photo the fucking

they're they're fucking I hate the fucking sun man it was like when the Daily Mail went out and everyone celebrated

I'm like you know he owns you know he's still there like Murdoch just changed he just moved all those fucking writers imagine writing for the Sun and then with a

straight face telling your parents you're a journalist honestly like it must be I remember when literally before I started fucking comedy when I was still in high school like I'd watch comedy

every day I'd buy fucking VHS's off of eBay of like fucking Alan Davies and obviously I'd just consume and then the next day

I'd go to school and I'd just fucking repeat all of the fucking jokes that I was doing to my friends and that was just me fucking learning and that was me

telling people I was a stand up I wasn't a stand up I was doing the literal lowest version of fucking learning and that was me telling people I was a stand-up. I wasn't a stand-up. I was doing the literal lowest version of fucking comedy and being like, I'm a comedian. That's a tabloid journalist. Like, you're not a journalist. The only research you've done is,

who does my audience hate? I'm going to find someone off that elk and I'm going to spin a story to make them look because all I'm here to do is to st elk and I'm going to spin a story to make them look because all I'm here to do is to stoke a fucking fire because it keeps me fucking warm

and it keeps my toes fucking warm the fucking go do you know there was somebody I saw somebody posted a

like a lower what's the word like not the centre of attention news story about the fucking track and trace of last something like 500 the centre of attention news story about the fucking track and trace

have lost something like 500 million cases of COVID have fell through the cracks with the track and trace system this 37 billion pound

fucking system has lost all this and somebody posted like this is the news story that they're trying to cover up by diverting attention to the kids

right and I read that and I'm like this is how bad society is now you wouldn't even need to cover up that story

people would still fucking vote for the cunts you'd definitely need to cover that story as bad as it is you'd definitely need to cover that up

with a fucking execution I just think the fucking the fact that tabloids get to lie and then seven days later get to admit all they have to do

legally is admit it was a lie on page 97. Be like, oh, that thing we said about this person wasn't true. Soz. And you're like, nobody reads that, motherfucker. Like, if you print a lie, you should legally have to on the front fucking page. Yeah, give up one of your day's news pages.

Sorry, we got this wrong. Here's all the things we fucking got wrong. We fibbed to your fucking face. You don't just get to the fucking end of after you've done the segment on a fucking

squirrel that's learnt how to jet ski and now that you're all gone just to let you know it turns out that none

of these people did the things they said this was just alleged you've fucking written it after the crossword

nobody got that far there's not crosswords in this son I think they're just super easy aye aye they're the ones that like it's just likewords in this son I think they're just super easy aye

aye they're the ones that like it's just like a one block sudoku they're the ones that we could nearly finish you know what I mean but not quite

do you reckon we'll ever get into crosswords I've tried a couple of times because Natalie's dad does the one on the times every Sunday aye and he'll put it

out of the room sometimes you're not allowed he's got like his house rules is you can research it from any of the literature in the house. So you can go and find

a book in the house or an encyclopedia or whatever that's in the house. But you can't Google it. You can't Google it, there's no using the internet. That's good. So he's just saying

he's always got the crossword and it's open to the house but you can't use anything from outside the house as a resource. Resource? Resource. Resource? Resource. Resource.

Resource. Aye. Defence. Defence. Oh, yeah. There's fucking Tiago Silva in defence. Come on, defence. He's going to be on PKs.

That's the fucking worst. Penalty kicks. PKs that's the fucking worst penalty kicks PKs it's so mad that Americaners are so good at doing sports coverage like man

the way they do NFL and the way they do the NBA and everything man it's fucking I'd love to live in America because I'd get into those fucking sports

because man they'll show if you're watching one game you can just fucking go and watch all the other games they'll fucking explain everything that's going on show if you're watching one game you can just fucking go and watch all the other games they'll fucking explain everything that's going on even if you don't know

the fucking sport they'll explain it every fucking time the coverage is fucking great they've got all the fucking experts fucking class how the fuck

are you still so shit it's fucking soccer how are you still just appalling at every single fucking part

of the commentary to the fucking coverage the breakdown oh they don't know what they're doing the tactical breakdowns are so bad

Chris Martin shared a fucking great clip because he's obviously lives in LA lives in LA he's watching the

fucking Denmark Wales game and the commentary is genuinely like the guy the guy that scored the first goal for Denmark.

Like this man, he had COVID, he beat it twice, he had appendicitis, one of his ex-teammates stole a watch from him, 85,000... What the fuck? What is this story? Tell me about the sports you've done. Why am I learning this man's history? Sensationalising this dude. Aye.

Oh, he cur curls it from the outside of his left fucking toe and it just scoops into the side nettings oh I really feel like just for revenge during the next

Super Bowl you and me should be allowed to we're the main commentators and when the Americans get raging about it we go aha

aha right you use ours and we'll use yours we've nailed we're the main commentators and when the Americans get raging about it we go aha aha right you use ours and we'll use yours we've nailed football commentary and you've nailed American football

let's stay in our fucking lanes here we've nailed football commentary but like didn't watch anything on BT Sport with Steve McManaman

bad example yeah yeah don't watch anything ITV have ever done of sports coverage man that's the fucking worst Ali McCoy's one of my favourites you know he's really grown on it Bad example. Oh yeah, yeah. Don't watch anything ITV have ever done of sports coverage. Man, that's the fucking worst. Ali McCoy's one of

my favourites, you know. He's really grown on me. I fucking love Ali McCoy's recovery. Before the England match, he was like, I'm so pumped for this, I feel like marching

on Carlisle. And then he did it afterwards. He did, he stuck to it, it's like he actually went to Cuba. He marched on

Carlisle. After we got fucking got there realised there's no today much fucking what time we are it's nearly time to do our show actually

we're in we're in between we're in between shows in Birmingham and I'm due on stage in 20 minutes there we go so let's

let's talk about your dad for a sweet, sweet second. Your dad takes a run-up for kisses just so he can get the height right. Your dad asked your mum to bite him during sex and when she did, he started going, Ouch, Charlie. Charlie bit me.

Your dad thumbs in softies commitment your dad's got fumes coming off his pum pum like a petrol station your dad calls poos softies I know I need to come into you

and do the back up well ask him if you want to. That's a conversation you might have with your papa. Your dad did a dot-a-dot of his pimples and got cancelled for blacking up. Your dad holds his own hand while walking to school to stop it wandering. Your dad used to work down the mines but his job was to chirp and whistle

if he ever passed out the miners would know that there was gas leak and then go back up your dad shits in the showers but he always tries to catch it on the volley so you get it in the bog

I don't get me wrong sometimes he does like he's fucking Panecta some like softies right in the straight in nothing but net

but man he's still got fucking budget shit between his doors and there'll be people on Patreon I'm 100% team creams dad I totally

fight to do that he's still not over it your dad qualifies for a disabled badge for his car because of how

bad his opinions are I think the earth is flat you can park close to Sainsbury's he's not right here we need to get you out of this

because if you park at the further end of the fucking car park you've got more people to talk to and nobody deserves to go through that so that's us

back on the road so there we are there's the podcast