Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.27 Muggins Birthday Pod

Episode Date: July 7, 2021

Muggins celebrates his birthday by discussing his love language with Cream and going over some near death experiences on his way to 38

Good afternoon, good morning, good evening, or whatever fucking time of day it is to you. Welcome to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. It's a very special episode today. It is Muggins' birthday. He is 47 years young, and we reminisce on what an appalling life he's had, how bad a person he is, and then obviously I talk about the greatest TV show alive. It's a good one.

Fucking listen to it. What? It's called Alone. You said Alive. Oh, it's called Alone. It's a good one. Fucking listen to it. What? It's called Alone. You said alive. Oh, it's called Alone. It's called Alone. Doesn't matter. Listen to the podcast.

Sloss and Humphries on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head

that makes you laugh. Woo-hoo! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aw, muggles. Accidental rim we in the same seats? That's hack Oh, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss

Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Happy birthday to you Happy birthday to you Happy birthday, dear Muggins Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Muggins. Happy birthday to you. And seven more.

Seven more? I think 45 is a good age. 45 now, am I? No, seven years from now you'll be 45. Right. If you die at 45, look, we'll all be sad. But that's way longer do you remember I had a bet with your dad that you'd die before 30

did you who would I would actually and fucking hell it's been hard to keep it up he's just got past the grieving stage finally now that Gav's got a kid he's sort of moved on a little bit

it's filled the void. Can't wait to reintroduce you to him, though. It's going to be a fucking water surprise. I did. It was back whenever we used to do the gigs in fucking Blythe and all the other fucking weird rugby club sessions and whatever. I think we were in... The original Punch Drunk gigs before me and Gav done it we used to do it at the sports centre

aye like back then aye and it was when because I must have been 20 21 which means you would have been

28 29 when I was like there's no way he's going to say fucking 30 so you were basically going to be dad he's not going to make it

the next 12 months it wasn't even close it wasn't like I had a good 5 year run in and I was living in the past lane you were like pretty soon pretty soon

pretty soon he's going to die and I tell you what your dad took that manner very well and he was confident he was confident you were going to survive

he was like I know my son he'll live to see 38 at least tell you one thing I'm good at living I've done it all my life well I've actually seen

how you live sometimes you don't always nail it but I good at Living I've done it all in my life Well I've actually seen how you live sometimes And you don't always nail it Aye but I've never stopped I've apparently 24 hours a day Aye 7 days a week Have you not died before? I feel like you're somebody that's

Has me heart ever stopped is the question Apart from when I saw Natalie For the first time Oh it stopped in me chest And it's time to Still get over yourself Rush me something to hospital like Matty oh I stomped in my chest and I still get over yourself you can rush me to the hospital

like Matty Matty went went to A&E with butterflies ah he did so and my heart hasn't stopped but I have

woke up in ambulances aye I have been like in like I've been knocked unconscious by like the sea by a car

by like a couple of bits and bobs a doorman I've had I've been kicked in the face at football but that didn't knock me out I was like

ah owie I see can I put that as any other experience I got trampled by bulls but I just got up I just got up from that

you didn't get trampled by bulls they all jumped over you the fucking stampede of them trampled hooves and all all ourers, around you all ourunders that's what I was like flapping off my face we were convinced you were dead then

I remember being properly because we all at the end of that those that don't know when me and Kyle were much younger and stupider and had less of the moral compass we have now and even now it's not great I wouldn't do it now

I've grown I would never do the bull run again but I've got some sick photos and we did do the bull run and that was on the second one we did so we've done we ran twice this was it... So we'd done... Aye, we'd done two... We ran twice.

This was back in 2013. We ran the stretch of it where it's not that dangerous. Aye. And we just kind of didn't see any bulls and we just got squished by people. Aye. Yeah, there was one where they ran... The first one was...

You had to hide in the fucking doors as they ran past and then we got through to the... Estafeta. I think that was called. Telefonica. And then we got into the arena bit and then on the second one you went to do fucking the suicide corner Dead Man's Curve

that's where all the fucking people die, and they say people don't die in the bull runs, but what they don't mention is a lot of people are air quotes hit by cars on the outside of town on the same day and that's where their bodies turn up and it's so weird that these cars had bullhorns on them. Yeah, everyone's getting lacerated by the car.

I guess if a car has a bullhorn on it, it's just... That's a different type of bullhorn, sorry. So I got trampled by bulls and I just got up, I lived through that. But we didn't think you were alive because we were all,

me, Milo, Shagger, Mimsy, and Tom. And because we were all me, Milo Shaggar Mimsy and Milo watched us fall my friend Shaggar and we all we all got in there and you were not there

and we're like well he's dead like if anyone dies on the bull run it's Guy Humphries can we just go going back to the thing with Shaggar as well

that was Lee Brosnan who has a wife and a kid right and we just decided on this holiday to call him Shaggar as well that was Lee Brosnan who has a wife and a kid right and we just decided on this holiday to call him Shagga for no reason no before we went

the night before we went when we were all staying at Milo's we played pennies we played pennies and the loser had to be given a nickname

by everyone else and the absolute worst nickname to give anyone is Shagga because if your nickname is Shagga you're an unforgivable person

it's a really low bottom tier name but because you've picked it for you and your friend group you're like it's a fucking cool nickname and thinking it's cool is inherently uncool. So everybody at the Bull Run wears white with a red sash or a red

neckerchief or a red something. Everyone wears a bit of red and it's just like tradition and people respect the tradition. Right. And we brought a pink bandana. Aye. A pink neckerchief. And the whole thing was

is if you end up, it was like the original Jeff game. Remember we were talking about the Jeff rules? Yeah, which is when we were on holiday. If you fucked up or you were stupid or whatever, you had a horrible shirt and it said, my name is Jeff. And on the back it said,

if you ask me to dance, I will dance. And the rule is, if anyone in the street asked you to dance, you had a horrible shout and it said, my name is Geoff and on the back it said, if you ask me to dance, I will dance and the rule is, if anyone in the street asked you to dance, you had to do it and it was an ongoing punishment for just any minor infraction. A bit of camaraderie which is all going around and bullying the one person. You know,

male friendships. So we had this idea which spanned for a few holidays after the Bull Run that spawned from male friendships. Yes. So we had this that idea which spanned for a few holidays after the bull run that spawned from the pink

neckerchief. If you fuck up you end up with a pink neckerchief. And the Spanish do not like you wearing a pink neckerchief.

Fuck you, Devon, do they? No, they don't. It's a real slight on the way of life. I don't think they're a fan of the I don't know how

liberal Spain is now but at the time weren't a fan of the... I don't know how liberal Spain is now, but at the time, weren't a fan of the homosexuals and obviously pink to them. It's like the... So, we had this pink neckerchief and the first one was like Mimsy

who looked at the window... That's not a nickname we gave him, by the way. That's his actual nickname. We had nothing to do with that. We're the only people that call him that are we i couldn't tell you his real name steven daly oh right so this is shag has made steven daly mimsy right and i had just watched the episode of south park right so

every now and like i didn't know mimsy right i'd only knew him through bras this is like 2013 right and every now and again, Mimsy would go to say something and I'd go, shut up, Mimsy! And is that with it? And people started calling him Mimsy on that holder right now.

I have been to Spain six times with Mimsy on six different occasions for Broz's stag do for like a trip away with the boys and went to the Bernabeu, went to the match at Real Madrid. Like, we've been to Spain a bunch of times together, right?

And I've never hung out with him outside of Spain. He's just a Spain friend. It's just that in the last decade, I've got a Spain friend called Mimsy. So, he's saying if your chair's squeaky. Aye, I could feel it rambling under my bum, and I thought maybe I'd been stupid and taken the chair that everyone hates.

Aye, you're good. So this pink neckerchief was the, like Mimsy was looking out the bus window and Milo went, that's where the fireworks are. They have big firework displays here. It's like a competition. They have different pyrotechnics companies on each night. They're trying to better the last one

so you end up with some of the best fireworks displays you've ever seen it's a belter festival if they weren't like murdering and slaughtering animals

aye for no good reason if you can look past that bit aye which most of you can and we understand that we totally understand that

but epic street party nonetheless right so that's where the fireworks are also you can get like three litres of sangria for a euro

aye do you remember those fucking plastic bottles that we just fucking have and they're like you can get like three litres of sangria for a euro. Do you remember those fucking plastic bottles that we just fucking have? And they're like, you can mix it with red wine

but it's already 13% and we were like, that'll do us. Everyone's just going and drinking on the streets. It's like being

a fucking teenager at a class. And you get pickpocketed all the time. But try and look past that now. Try and look past

the... You're probably not going to go home with a phone all right. The animals will die but look past all of that stuff. Yeah, just get over all the going to go home with your phone alright the animals will die but look past all of that stuff

yeah just get over all the evil old tradition all the corruption and that lovely time great time so Mimsy's like

is the fireworks going to be at night and we're like aye that's the type of thing like I see the pink bandana but one of the things was if anybody calls

Broz by his real name including him right you wear the pink bandana so nobody wanted the pink bandana so Broz by his real name including him yeah right you wear the pink bandana so nobody wanted the pink bandana so Broz had to introduce himself to people

as Shagga which is way worse which is way worse hi I'm Kai I'm Daniel I'm Tom who are you? Shagga

huh? me name the thing I go by Monica aye it's Shagga it's Aye. It's Shagga. It's Monica. Monica the Shagga.

So she's called Shagga. See, my old man, she's called the Shagga. And then showing people a picture of his kids. They're like, see? See? Proof. This is how I got the name. They called me Shag Danny.

We're tired now. After the second fucking bull run, we're all inside the big arena thing where you can just run away from a smaller bull and you're not there. And we're like, well, he's dead. That's him. Absolutely. I'd have said dead. And we can't find you for ages

because none of us have our phones on us because we're doing a fucking bull run and you don't do that with your phone on you then we got over your death quite quickly I mean I was happy I'd want to turn her off your dad

I was like I cannot wait to cash this in fucking new right at the fucking final whistle as well I know because I'm born in 83 and this was in what like June

it was just before your birthday it was just before your birthday it was just before your birthday June 2013 94th minute equaliser I was thrilled I was devastated because you were dead but you know what

a tenner goes a long way that's ten bottles of sangria Kai and you don't have to buy a birthday present I've doubled my money I don't understand why people are sad when their friends die. Just get over it. Then we went to get, I think we went, we went to get some food. And there was just some guy, this was one of my favourite moments of the whole fucking thing.

We're all hungover and we're all got adrenaline pumping and we're all drunk. We're just, and we're all stoned. So we're just a combination of just fuck for this entire thing and we can't find you and we go and get some paninis somewhere and there's a bakery and there's a stag or a man on a stag do

and they've clearly all come dressed as the YMCA people. I've seen the fucking the Indian somewhere. I've fucking seen the fireman. Now you've got a guy who is in

white shorts, white t-shirt, red sash, right? Yeah. High-vis and police hat. Yes. Oh, and also like a little fucking sheriff plastic badge. And he's standing inside and Milo tries to go into the bakery. He goes, passaporte.

Passaporte. Milo's like, I don't have my passport. The guy's like, passaporte. Milo's like, everyone't have my passport and the guy was like Passaporte and my mum was like everyone else just walking by I'd be like why would you why would there be passport control on a fucking bakery

you dumb fucking cunt still looking for you and then we go to a pool to mourn you you like pools it seems like

some people say we went to the pool because we wanted to have a CS out and cool down. Was this the same pool where I played a trick that I thought was so obviously a trick the joke was I'm trying to do a trick. There was never a trick.

The trick was, ha ha, that's a silly trick. The trick was I came up out of the water in amongst you and I went, have you smelled the pool tiles on the bottom of the pool? They're stinking. And then went back under, right? Expecting you to come up like, ha ha, that's a funny

trick. Me and Tom go, ha ha, funny joke. Nobody's going to go underwater and try and smell, smell the underwater tiles while your face is just full of water, right? Yeah, people who normally make it past 21 have concept of drowning and, you know. And not being able to smell underwater.

Right. Right. Sharks can, though. Milo, come on, Milo goes under the water and I'm almost like, ha ha, you got me. Like, thanks for playing along I am responding to Milo going under the water

as he is just playing along with my silly little joke it's a bit he's clocked it's a bit he's doing a bit we're in this now

and then he comes up face of Thundergan yous were gonna stamp on me head weren't you he thought the trick was we were gonna curb stomp him

into the bottom of the pool a finding Nemo curb stomp like just by the pool tiles motherfucker

too stupid to get the prank so anyway that's a real human being that's a real life person

a dad who's got two kids but that's where you turned up and you were like I nearly died and we were like oh well I mean

we didn't know the word nearly was in there we just thought you died and you were like oh the bulls jumped over me and I was on the news and we were like oh here he comes

with his fucking tall tales everyone dismissed it he had a wee fucking panic he fucking fell over he had to cry and because it's Kai and he's. He fucking fell over. He had to cry. And because it's Kai and he's the master fucking spin doctor, he's going to try and get this right.

You're a spin doctor. Nah, people say that I'm a spin. You should work for the fucking Tories because that's how good of a spin doctor you are. Nah. And then he's like, I'm in the newspapers and everything. We're like, uh-huh, uh-huh.

And then we start walking back to the villa. And sure enough, on all to the villa and sure enough on all of the news and all of the front pages it was funny because all of the all of the shops that do prints

of photos and stuff like because people want to go back with memorabilia so they'll have like the best photos of the day like up pretty fast like printed out

and put in the window and and it's like a big giant game of where's wallet because like I mean there's literally thousands of photographers who are taking thousands of photos and you're kind of just walking along

the streets going man if I see myself in any of these it's a giant where's Wally like yeah it is it's like um at the end of the roller coaster ride and you're looking for your photo but like from an 800 meter stretch with like thousands and thousands of people on so you're just looking in all of these shop windows for a photo you're like oh I was at that bit at some point maybe I'm in this photo yeah where's Wally and yourself i was fucking front and center of every single photo and they were just like local gringo does a fall down no i don't know swear to you poor for all and swear to you again. It's like the good luck thing that you say. Good luck, please.

Aye, that's what it is. I was just putting two words together that didn't really count together. So that was the... The quack was, I was running across the dead man's curve and I fell. Like, I just...

No reason. I didn't trip. Jelly legs. I just got scared and I was like, ah. I fell down. Saw a penny. It's like being chased in a dream.

You were like, hold on, if the pool tiles smell weird, I wonder how the street tiles smell. And then I was like, and then all the bulls were past us. And I was like, no, they smell fine. And carried on running. I got a bit of advice beforehand saying that if you curl up in a ball the balls will try and get around you

if you try and get up they'll go for you but if you just stay down because you're just something in the road they'll just jump over you it's just like an obstacle like a boulder or something

they're not going to try and hit you or anything so I just curled up in a ball and it worked and I was like alright class I'm alive alright happened in a split second

like it was nothing like it's not like I was in this trauma for ages. But I saw a video of it, right, where I get wrenched up off the ground by somebody. Somebody tries to kick us, actually. Now that's somebody who runs up and tries to boot us up the arse. But another runner kind of runs in between and kind of deflects the blow.

So I fucking... I don't know why the bloke was trying to kick me arse. It was the Spanish ambassador. I wasn't know why the blow was trying to kick me honestly it was the Spanish ambassador I wasn't in my pink bandana and then I get stood to the side by the railings

and even though it's a grainy kind of CCTV kind of footage you can totally see the heavy breathing my cheeks blowing

up like you remember Pob who used to steam up the window I was doing the Pob

cheeks when I was breathing let's not do it again ah yeah I'm done with that like aye yeah I was done with that pub cheeks when I was breathing. Let's not do it again. Ah yeah I'm done with that like Aye. Yeah I was done with that

there and then that was the moment. Aye fuck that. People go on like every year year in year out trying to get that kind of experience

because like weirdly want that kind of jeopardy in their life but I went one aim not wanting that experience got it and was like

I don't need anything more. That's not for me. I don't need anything more. That's not for me. I don't need anything more from this line of inquiry. How's your birthday, you old cunt? It's nice, mate, but I just, I didn't really, I didn't really put too much weight on birthdays. And it makes us feel bad because other people do, right? And people are so nice to us on our birthday.

And I get so many nice messages from people that are degrees upon degrees of separation away from from us like people haven't

spoken to me since 2010 on my Facebook and it's really nice it's really heartwarming but it also gives you a little bit of like

self-reflecting and going oh my god I don't even think I wish my cousin happy birthday I'm a big I like

I like birthdays in general I'm a fucking Nazi with them if it's your birthday it's your special day you get all special

treatments I'm a latex is what I am you're allowed to be irrational not irrational on your birthday but you're allowed

to be a fucking bit of a diva and make fucking demands and stuff but then there's people like fucking Jean and Cara which is where they hate their your birthday but you like to be a fucking bit of a diva and make fucking demands and stuff but then there's people like fucking Jean and Cara which is where they

hate their own birthdays but they like everyone else's like Cara doesn't want anything special on her birthday but it was my birthday she'll make a whole

fucking birthday bells and whistles and I'm just like no you've got to take it like you've got to whenever I hear people just go I hate birthdays I'm like that's just

it's just really sad like I just look ageing's not constantly fun, but also it's just a day where all of your best friends and all of your loved ones celebrate you. When people are like, oh, I hate my birthday, I'm like, oh, man, you've been let down before. Like, all that is, like, I'll fix it. I'll give you a really good birthday this time. It's a nice concept. Like, I've got, I put give you a really good birthday this time it's a nice concept like I've got

I put knee pressure on the day like like like I didn't expect anything so it was really nice to be like taken out for a meal last night and when I turned up

just had balloons and all that so it's like when anything happens I'm like oh right aye aye

there is an occasion aye but like I never because it is because of my the way like I'm not it is because of my the way like I'm not a I'm not a very

gifty person you know and I would love languages and that aye like gifts isn't on it's not my love language and I didn't really like

buy gifts that much woah I'm really I'm really bad for sentiment I'm I am

I am too like you and me you and me very very rarely buy each other either birthday presents or Christmas presents. Occasionally I'll go through things and I'm like, oh fuck, I'll do it this year. But it's like,

because I get like the obligation side of things as well. Like if I buy you a birthday present, I'm like, now Guy has to buy me a birthday present and then we're just buying each other birthday presents. Whereas what we could do is what we'd normally do, which is just during the year buy each other meals booze and drugs

yeah because I was going to say I'm not tight with my pals when I say I don't buy people drink gifts and all that like I'm fucking I'll buy I'll get the round in disproportionately

I'll cover the bill for the meal and stuff like that like I am like I'm sown with cash I'm just not very thoughtful when it comes to timing it aye

you know like buying a specific gift for a person for a specific time and I feel like I've went too far now where if I start doing it

now there's people that have missed it aye and then I'd have to New Year's resolution being a better gift guy

and I'd have to be really mindful of it I just my gift is now just fucking personalised cameos to my friends. To send videos? To send videos.

Go, hey man, I'll sing them this song. I'll say, happy birthday, love you. And then there you go. Like, I'm thinking of you and I'm thinking of you but I can't be arsed having a FaceTime. So here's one way FaceTime. I enjoyed that.

And it's like you've dubbed in the name. It's a pre-recorded song that you sent everyone with a dubbed in name have you ever read that book the the five languages of love

nah I'm aware it exists that's why I brought it up aye my aunt did you read it I've not read all of it but my aunt

my dad's sister I mean I get on with all my aunts and uncles very well but she's she's the fucking I love her dearly, she doesn't listen to this podcast so I didn't need to clarify it but that clarification's just for me

I love her dearly but she's the fucking mental one where she's got her dog lives in her handbag and she wipes his bum with her I think she's that type of person, she's a sweetheart but she was talking about me because in her relationship with my uncle,

like, they've got a really, really good relationship for years and years and years. She just couldn't understand. Like, they're very, very different. And it turns out, because his language of love is gift buy. He's not good with words or he's not particularly, or he doesn't feel confident in his own words. So when he loves her, because he's got a fucking good job,

he'll buy her jewellery, he'll buy her something that he knows that she's walked for ages with her house, like fucking clothes, whatever. And that's the thing. Whereas what all, because her thing, her language of love is communication. That's how she passes on love.

That's how she likes to fucking receive love. And for years and years and years, she was just sort of confused because like it would be her birthday or her Christmas and all she'd want is to like go to a restaurant just sit down and chat to her husband of 30 or so years and he'd just be there with a big pile of gifts and be like done right i'm off right bye yeah and even and they've just got different they've got different frequencies yeah but her learning that it made her sort of go

right instead of being like oh no you've done it wrong he's like okay this is how you express love to me and I'm so grateful for all these things but then also and it really helped their relationship so she recommended it for me and Cara just earlier on when we got engaged and me and Cara have the exact same love language and it's just

dead easy and it's just physical touch I touch and cheese I rub cheese in her tits and she rubs cheese on my bell ends and it just works for us nice eye physical touches

is a good one just because I'm just here I am tactile oh that was fucking I'll not

I'll not use the right names right but Rouge one of one of my other friends' parents had passed away right

and Rouge gets in touch with us with the news I already knew and everything right and he was like I don't know what to say to him will you reach out to him and just say something

and I was like aye I'll get in touch he was like aye let him know that I'll ask him after him instead of bombarding him I just think it'll be better coming from you

because you're more tactile I was like tactile I think he meant tactful he absolutely meant tactful but I was like I'm not going to get up and stroke him I probably would though I think that's the thing about thankfully I don't think we've had any friends or at least I've not had any friends

recently that have gone through a big big loss in their life like a mum or a dad or a sibling or whatever but the only thing you can do is just be there. Like, there's no other right thing to do. If somebody's grieving,

the one and only thing you can do is just be beside them when they are grieving. It fucking sucks, man. Like, that's a rouge who messaged me. His man passed away when we were, like, he's a bit younger than me, even though you wouldn't think

that if you put the pair next to each other you'd think you had 10 years on us but I worked at ABS

which is the fucking Ruge is the sort of man I would take any jar I couldn't open to

well no no sorry I'd send Carlos to do it because I couldn't handle Ruge's just dismissiveness of me

I wouldn't be able to hand him over the beetroot jar and be like I don't have the muscles for this, please root. He's got gizzard hair, man. Doesn't have his fucking teeth.

He's called the Rouge, the Rouge is like a self-given nickname that's stuck. Because what am I? Because he hated the word ginger. I wake up, a girl knocks me. It sounds classier if it's French.

I'm not ginger, I am Rouge. Bonjour. It wasn't even that. It was this girl knocked him back, right? And he just took it like as if it was her loss, right? And he went, she'll be back, man. Your national wants a piece of the Rouge rocket.

He can't sell the Rouge rocket. That's worse than Jagger. The Rouge rocket, self-named. So I was still calling it Rouge. So I was working at APS, right, which is my first ever job, packing shit in a factory, man. It's fucking mind-numbing.

You're just sat in the conveyor belt, folding leaflets, putting it in the box, putting the product in the box, sealing the box, putting it on the thing, right? And I knew his ma was ill, and I got my phone fucking buzzed, and he popped me a big Nokia and it was fucking rouge

and I just fucking got out of my seat at work and just fucking sprinted, yeah. It was a blur. I was 16 years old and just a blur of just running through tears away from my graft again. It was just fucking shite, man.

Sorry to lower the tone. No, I mean, I like the web podcast away from me graft again see him it's fucking shite man sorry to lower the tone no no I mean I like the web podcast we've done and the amount of things you've

said and that's what you think lowering the tone is like a very nice sincere moment about being a

good friend and being there for one of your many toxic male friends you're like despite all this I took away

from it oh sorry for lowering the tone no that was you being nice I like how you talk about eating your fucking bogeys

and fucking bite your fucking toenails you're like no that's standard chat there's nothing wrong with that that's the tone I'm going for Kyle

trying to appeal to people I reckon I reckon I'd be good if some well I don't know if I would yeah I reckon

I'd be good if someone else is grieved just because I understand that the only honest thing you can say to somebody else's grief just because I understand that the only honest thing you can say to somebody who is grieving and the only thing the person

who's grieving will want to hear is the following three words. That's shit mate. Aye. Anything else is just fucking false platitudes of being like they're looking down at you, like they're with you in your heart

all these coping mechanisms the coping mechanisms of people that are bad with fucking grief trying to make themselves feel better in this fucking awkward moment and here's the thing of grief you can't make anyone feel better it's grief it's so much larger than words there's no man if there was a secret fucking phrase

that cured fucking grief that would be greater than the cure for cancer. Imagine that, four little words, boom, there you go, you're not grieving anymore. It doesn't exist. The only thing you can do is be honest. And the only honest thing in the world is that shit. Is that why the church is so wealthy? Because it's in the business of giving

people false hope that there's something more after it for the people that they've lost. Well, that and the tax dodging. Giving people absolute false promise of another side or there's more than this. And it's worth hanging on to if you think you're going to see your daughter again

or something like that. It's such a fucking ideology and you go, well, so many people believe in it and there's no harm in believing in it and what if there is? It's easier than accepting. Maybe the religion game is so fucking

it's just I think it's just a bit of a fucking cheat code for dealing with death which is you can just because man I would love to I'd love to believe like the fucking belief I'd love to believe that like up in heaven fucking Josie's up there and she can walk

and she can talk and she's fucking 18 fucking Josie's up there, and she can walk, and she can talk, and she's fucking 18, and when I get up there, right, I'm there. She's like, oh, my God, I've missed you. I'm like, oh, God, I've missed you too. We have, like, a fucking reunion. My fucking granddad's there. All the people I've lost in my life are all there.

Man, I love the idea of that. It's not true, though. That's not going to happen. But what is, is like a nice thing that is true is that like the biggest loss in my life was me Grandapete

and you can say that he still lives on now in the influence that he's had on the people that he's touched and that every action that I make

is with him in mind with his like his interaction with me made me act this way because he was a he was a good man

and someone that you really looked up to and a positive role model and somebody you respected he was one of those I'm going to use the word cunt here was he one of those cunts that wore the suit every day those old school pensioners old school pensioners

if he's leaving the house and going to the shops he'll have a tie and a jacket on he was really presentable all the time I like that but it's also like the people that do that now are psychopaths but you know how if you're wartime

RAF you're decorated you've got medals every fucking day of your teenage years in your fucking 20s and 30s was you were in a fucking suit every day it was an army

fucking suit like you've just got that routine regimented into you and also it's not a fucking bad routine to have I say as I fucking

sit here in jammy bottoms in a fucking Marvel hoodie that my fiance's parents bought me because they know I'm a loser

god I tell you what they nailed my fucking hoodies man they're the one that bought me the fucking you know I've got the blue Spongebob one Spongebob riding the seahorse they're the one that bought me the fucking pink Spongebob one where he's riding the jellyfish

apparently my mum had to be like Daniel will never wear this and Gary was just like this is his favourite jumper and he's not seen it yet wow that's good. Aye. So is that their love language? Oh no, I think, well because Gareth's parents

have been together since they were like 13 years old. Like they've been, like they've like they were teenage. That's unique to a generation that. Aye. I feel like that probably won't happen a fraction as much anymore. No, no, because, you know,

we can get on fucking planes and trains now and you can fucking travel the world and you, you know, it's mad to think that your soulmate fucking lives 15 miles down the road. It might be a three-year-old in Mexico. You don't know how the world works. You just got to be patient. I want to air fuck you with more chat about my favourite TV show alone.

Okay. Right, so this previously on Slot and Humphries on the Road, alone is the one where people go out and do the arctic full egg over 100 days at a time well that's season 7

right so season 7 is they've got 10 people and they've got to win a million dollars they have to survive 100 days in the Arctic

right they have to take fucking 10 things out of them and man this is season 7 so when me and Colour are watching it like this is all the people that have watched

all the previous seasons these are the people that like fucking they love the show they're outdoors people like they do this sort of is all the people that have watched all the previous seasons. These are the people that, like, fucking, they love the show. They're outdoors people. Like, they do this sort of stuff all the time. And, man, they are great. Like, the first person in season seven went out around about fucking day 15.

And that was for food poisoning because they ate a dodgy fucking squirrel. Then after that, it was, like, day 40. And, like, the final three, it was two women in this guy called roland who eventually went on and they all made it to fucking day 80 where they and i'm not exaggerating the temperature here because we have to fucking google it because america does it in fahrenheit right so they're like oh it's minus 51 i'm like i don't know what that is it's probably like minus 10 minus 48 degrees celsius oh because there's a point is it minus 40 where they're both the same minus i think it's a minus 50 degrees where fahren minus 40 where they're both the same minus 50 I think it is is it minus 50 degrees

where Fahrenheit and Celsius meet get to the same thing and like I mean and they are and they've got four hours of fucking daylight

and there are three people who are surviving blows our fucking minds the guy Roland who eventually fucking wins it this cunt is the one that stabbed the ox right

and he's done all this other stuff and his sister come and get it someone day 100 and he's all fucking happy and his ending his ending was the funniest thing in the world because in the last two weeks he's done all this other stuff and his sister come and get someone day 100 and he's all fucking happy and his ending was the funniest thing in the world because in the last two weeks

he's like man it just really makes you realise you know how important family is like I'm glad I've done this but you know I've not been the best son to my father

I've not been the best brother to my sister and I all this time just in your own head realising that you know you can be a better family member

I mean God like oh it's a really he's like a big burly fucking man he's done some soul searching really beautiful moment he then wins

his sister's there they hug and they interview him afterwards about fucking I'm going to say seven days later they go

what are you going to do with the million dollars he's like yeah I think it's just like disappearing for a year and we're like you learned nothing you learned absolutely fucking nothing.

You cried in your sister's arms and were like, I'm going to see you in the kids more. Where are you off to? Peru. Anywhere but here. Anywhere but here. I thought I wanted to see you, saw you, changed my mind. Yeah, turns out 100 days of self-reflection

and then four hours in your company. Oh, boy. So that's season seven. And we're like, fuck it, let's go. I was going to say, have you ever worked with somebody that annoys you? You've only ever worked with me.

Yes. Yes. Yes, you and Marlene are both. Yes. And sometimes when I worked at the sports centre, you'd end up slagging off somebody that's on the roster, right? But you're not on shift that day and end up slagging off somebody that's on the roster right

but you're not on shift that day and you're slagging them off and then you feel bad for slagging them off right and then you work with them for a second

and you're like alright aye oh I know fully justified fully justified I think that's what he just did with his family I just remembered

all the positive memories and then she was like we should go to Disney and he's like I need to I need to not be part of this family anymore I'm off skiing

so that's season 7 so me and Cullen are like fuck it they're all on Amazon all the seasons are on Amazon and me and Cullen

start on season 1 and it turns out season 7 is all the people that have watched all the previous seasons and the way they got the people on season 1

is through fucking Craigslist we can guess because it's just a bunch of people who are like, yeah, I'm an outdoorsman. Sometimes I camp in the back garden with my wife and kids because they like sleeping. Guy that's toasted a marshmallow before.

Man, they're making these fucking lean twos, which is just like a stick with some fucking tarp over it. And it's all so wet that none of them can fucking start fires. The first guy taps out after 12 hours. 12 hours. 12 hours. Because he's like, I've set up my camp. I've got my little stick here. And I'm just going to go looking around.

And then he just gets onto a bear trail. And there's just a big pile of bear shit with all these berries in it. He's like, that looks fresh. I'm probably just going to walk away from this direction. And then it comes up at the bottom of the screen. The place where they are is home to 2,000 black bears, 1,000 wolves and 10,000

cougars. All them women. That's why they all signed up. All them women looking for some strange... If I can avoid those big black gay men. I mean, there's only 2,000 of them, but if they come and get me

oh it's going to be a difficult time but 10,000 cougars seems too good to be true and this guy he's a fucking my wife's here he starts

he starts walking trying to get away from this fucking bear and he just finds this like big overturned fucking rock and it's clearly a bear's den

and there's like fish heads with like you know in the cartoons like when there's all the bone but just it's that a pile of that is there's like fish heads with like you know in the cartoons like when there's all the bone but just it's that

a pile of that is there then he travelled to it on a little cloud under his nose like a wisp a wisp of scent that was given at the come hither

food in this direction I float all the way along this is actually good because I'm not burning any calories because floating through the air is in

you know it doesn't put me into a deficit he gets here he's like okay at least the bears aren't home and then the camera pans and just up in the tree is this giant black bear and like three of her cubs and she's just fucking staring at him and he fucking runs away and he's just and he's just crying hysterically so he's going please come and get me please come get me they're like we'll be there but it's going to take seven hours for us to get there and it's

just him crying and he look me because i told cara this and she was like well you couldn't do it and me kind of like i but we didn't sign up to the fucking show i never claimed that was something i was fucking capable of this fucking guy he's out there he's like man this is just different like i'm a i'm a police officer like you, you know, I do stuff in New York. I've been scared before, but I've never been this scared in my life. And me and Colin would just die laughing, be like, yeah, I'm a police officer,

grew up in New York, the concrete jungle, surely a real jungle, just the same. And Colin fucking ruined me at one point. Like, I had to pause it because I was laughing so hard. It's just, he's like, man, as a police officer, I've been scared before like I've been in some fucking weird

fights in my life but I've never I've never had to deal with a wild cougar before and Cullen under his breath just goes aye

I've shot plenty of black panthers though oh no oh no what a great sad joke aye so we're now

so me and Carl have got this fucking great game on and to the point where I keep saying to Carl I'm like we should just do a podcast about Alone

where we just only seven people are listening because you've got to pay 20 quid on Amazon to get the full season but we'll do an episode breakdown by breakdown

because our game is now on episode one you have to, by the end of episode you put a tenner in a pot and you've got to guess from just that first episode who's going to fucking win the series right I bet on my guy based on nothing other than the size of his arms, there was just one

clip of him chopping wood and he had massive arms and I'm like that's useful aye, that's useful in survival he's still in it survival he's still in it he's still in it he's doing good he's eating lots of fucking berries and seaweed Cullen

went for a 22 year old they're all old on this because they've all got experience a fucking 22 year old and the reason Cullen picked him is because like man they're all hiding from bears and cougars and they're trying to build bigger shelters

because the bears they have to eat food away from their camp because one guy was cooking fish in his tent and a cougar was just like well I'm'm gonna fucking maul you for that fish you've just fucking cooked right and except this 22 year old is just standing outside of his shelter shelter and he hears some wolves howling and he's the only one that starts howling back and colin was like he's either gonna win because he he's a psycho like if you're howling back at

wolves and letting them know exactly where you are this guy might just be mental enough to survive this what if you get like the perfect

tone of a mating call what man some of the people just start sniffing around your hoop when it gets there

a horny wolves I didn't want to fight it off so here we go well look maybe I'll make a werechild and my werechild

will win it on my behalf there's four left 30 days in and and yours and Cullen's guys are still in

yeah great and if one of the other guys get through not one of your guys you're going to roll over

into season 2 yeah so that means 20 quid's in the pot and at the start of season 2 episode 1 we do the same bet means 20 quid's in the pot and then the start of season two episode one we do the same bet

and then there's 40 in the pot and that right but I am like me and Cullen generally watch it but man look it's really really hard

like they are surrounded by wild animals food is fucking scarce it's hard to start fires because it just they get 225 days of rainfall a year and they put them in

during the rainy season like it's not designed to be fucking easy but any time the other person's chosen survivor starts having a little bit of a mental breakdown my guy was just like

man it's really alone out here, it just really makes you think about your wife and your kids and my wife's pregnant and you know she's six months and I've left her out here and Cullen's just like here we fucking go he's having a mental breakdown Cullen's guy cried

for two hours on the shore and I was like get in here we fucking go he cried on the shore because he can't catch a fucking fish

what a fucking loser you're starting to watch it like sports fans you've got your guys you've got your guys loincloth and shit on come on let's fucking do this come on Alan you fucking got your guys you've got your guys loincloth and shirt on come on let's fucking

do this come on Alan you fucking got it it's my favourite show in the whole wide world yes I love that you're doing

a goggle box on it you're putting yourself in a muggle corner goggle boxing every week on your I have to talk about it man like because

that's one thing my mum does is whatever show she's watching I'll hear about every part of that show and it was starting to go and I was spending Because here's the thing. That's one thing my mum does, is whatever show she's watching, I'll hear about every part of that show. And it was starting to go, and I was spending a bit more time in the North East,

when I lived there, it was starting to get a bit more tedious. Like now when I go back, I just like hearing her voice, you know what I mean? She's telling me about her show, I listen to her about her show. But you know,

when I was visiting more often, because I'm around more often, it was starting to get like water torture. That should just talk us through every episode of sitcom that you watch, right? So I started playing it back where I tacked her through every single kick of the ball

from a football match. And I started tacking her through every single part of the fight card. Did she enjoy it? She changed the subject immediately when it happened to her. When it was something that she was disinterested in

and I was pitching it her, I immediately got out of there. Kai, this is just very boring. I don't know why you're telling me this. I can't imagine why you would just stand and tell somebody about a show that they're currently watching. Aha! Aha! Aha! Do you not like this mirror? No, I don't like the person in it.

But when I'm around less frequently, it's nice to hear. I like to hear it. And also, now that I've started knitting, I can absolutely have that conversation when I'm knitting. Like, you know, if my phone's in And also, now that I've started knitting, I can absolutely have that conversation when I'm knitting. Like, you know, if my phone's in my hand

or there's something else going on, but if I've got like, if I've just got my hands, I can absolutely just like, I can be in that conversation forever. It's just a Linda podcast. It's a Linda podcast. It is.

Where she... And people would love to hear that. It's not called Linda Box because that's your dad's podcast. Ew. Linda. it's not called Linda Box because that's your dad's podcast you Linda speaking of Linda Barry was on the podcast on Thursday

oh aye he did the bonus if you haven't heard already he's on Patreon I've not listened to it because it's behind a paywall it's so tight with that just log in as me

I don't know your details I think I've already logged in on your computer for the last time I don't know your details I think I've already logged in on your computer for the last time I don't know I'm not coming out to an office to listen to a podcast

wow I'm not a fucking sad lawyer Daniel we're trying to sell this to people here we're trying to tell them that you're going to get banged for your buck

or get you or get like saying that that would be the worst possible thing for you to do no but they live sad lives though

this isn't their only entertainment this isn't their only entertainment. This isn't my entertainment. This is my job. This is different. Now you're chasing them away. Aye.

Fucking, you've got some gall talking to me about chasing listeners away. Who's on your fucking list this week? I was trimming the herd as well. I was trimming the herd. Did you get anything for your birthday? Not yet, no. No? No. Oh, no, I've got gifts off me mum and dad. trimming the head do you get anything for your birthday not yet no no oh no

I've got gifts off my mum and dad my mum and dad sent us some money to spend on my PS5 nice and my sister sent us some choccies

nice and Natalie bought us a bunch of stuff that I was meant to open this morning but she left it home good because I'm currently

staying at your house we went to the first steak last night we did we went to fucking go to an Edinburgh so nice oh my fucking god so good good because I'm currently staying at your house we went to the first steak last night we did we went to fucking Goucho in Edinburgh so nice oh my

fucking god so good just a just a dead good steak restaurant you have been one of them muggles where like

every bite of the steak you were really like harmonising with and letting everybody know you were having a nice steak I was always like

it is good though you get you get in my worse I was like oh no it's just it is good though you get you get in my head I was on the TV show alone and I just hunted this elk and I was like oh

I've not eaten for seven days and it's a lean meat but it'll be good for me even though Sebastian did it 25 minutes ago but what was the thing

spiral cut I've never seen that before spiral cut it was the way they marinate've never seen that before spiral cut it was a way they marinate it they cut it and marinate it yeah so they like cut it in

so if they get like a sirloin they cut that in half and sort of butterfly it over and then it's just like and they marinate it and it's got more stuff in it and it's easier to cook because it's obviously thinner

so it's much easier to get it to that fucking you had a lovely wee pretentious as fuck moment where uh we were out with we'll not say names we'll not say names but we were out with uh some other friends of ours and uh

one of our mates was like yeah i'll just have the uh sirloin please and can i get that medium and i turn around and you were just because it's a nice steak restaurant you were just and he'd be like oh Lord they don't like it when you do medium it's got to be medium rare

man you were properly you were fucking staring at him right the waiter was over your left shoulder and you were like no no don't do that

they don't like it I'm like man that was what I was thinking I was like I was just saying to him you want it lower you think you want medium but you didn't no you want it medium rare that was me saying was just saying to him you want it lower you think you want medium but you didn't

no you weren't that was that was me saying you wanted medium rare if you enjoy steak medium take the you want it medium rare because here's the thing

it's not the secret to steak cooking is you get it to a temperature where the steak starts to cook itself like it looks pink when it still comes out

but that's because it's still fucking I got them back as well because they went do you want a sauce for that and you've got all these Luke's pink when it still comes out, but that's because it's still fucking... I got them back as well. They went, do you want a sauce for that? And he's got all these nice blue cheese or peppercorn or whatever, right?

He was like, no. And I was like, you do. Even if it's for your chips to dip in, man, you want one of the sauces, get one of the sauces. It comes with your steak and I'm paying more for it. I corrected the money's order a couple of times.

I don't think you come up with that often me and Cara went to a chocolate factory so you did and you got me that was another gift I got you brought some chocolate a bakewell it's a good one

bakewell's nice we go there it's the chocolate emporium in Edinburgh and if you're wanting a fucking fun easy fucking day

or just with your mates it's very good. But it's one of those things where, you know when you go to these experiences and the experience is like 90 minutes long, but like 45 minutes is somebody just talking and explaining the thing to you. I'm not the biggest fan of that.

Like I just don't, like my job is to like, I do that and no offense, but I do it better. Like I'm a way better public speaker. I don't feel as engaged as the way I engage people. And it's also like the but I do it better like I'm a way better public speaker I don't feel as engaged as the way I engage people and it's also like the way they do it is very much like

when I was a fucking paintball referee when you've just got these stock jokes that you do every day this stock fucking thing yeah it starts getting phoned in yeah and I can tell

when people are phoning it in but that way but I'm always still engaged like man me and Cara are like the fucking swats in class we'll answer all the questions because man

I know what it's like to deal with a shite audience that aren't interacting so you want to be a good crowd for them you want to be and our one was

great she told us some fucking fascinating shit she made us some really gross like ancient Aztec hot cocoa which was just how the

ancient Aztecs used to drink it before they killed each other and after tasting it you can tell why they killed each other like it was fucking

rancid but then they have, at the end of it well first of all you get to make your own chocolate bar which is class. They give you the moulds and you do your own one. You can add all your own fucking flavours into it. And then they take you through to another room where they were just like, right, we've got all of this. Just go fucking mental. And camel milk

chocolate. No. Not it. Even Cara, who when she was like camel milk chocolate. I'm No. Not here. No, even Cara, who, when she was like, camel milk chocolate, I'm not fucking trying that. Tried it. And the pickiest woman in the entire world

was like, you know what, like, fair play. Like, we even afterwards went to the shop and was like, do you have any of that fucking camel milk chocolate?

And they were like, no, because of Brexit. We just can't get it over. And we were like, really? Why? It's because, I don't know. They fucking took our camel milk. They took our fucking camel why it's because I don't know

they fucking took our camel milk they took our fucking camel milk man I didn't it sounded disgusting a minute ago but now that it's now that it's anti-Brexit

yeah but now that it's Brexiteers fault I miss it so it's so weird that like cows just absolutely dominate the milk market like so many things

can be milk but cows done that thing, that mistake, of making a nice cup of tea. Now everybody wants the cows to make the cup of tea. Aye. Make a shit cup of tea in the middle of Alaska. That's what goat's cheese got right. Aye, just make a shit cup of tea.

There's always goats that still have milk in them. Nobody's. And if you like goat's cheese, first of all, I know you don't. No, no, hang on. It's got a nice spreadable And if you like goat's cheese first of all, I know you don't. No, no, hang on. It's got a nice spreadable nature to goat's cheese. It is good on a board.

It is good as a different thing on a board. I wouldn't say it's my favourite on the board, but I do like having cheese. Look, I'm middle class now, Daniel. You get away from it. I like your cheese board. Goat's cheese couldn't do it. There was haggis chocolate. Nice, I think. get away from it I like a cheese board goat's cheese couldn't do it there was a

chilli there was haggis chocolate nice I think no not as great as you'd think one of them

which was basically there was a Guinness one I don't even like fucking Guinness and the first three seconds of it like that is absolutely Guinness chocolate

so are some of these are some of these chocolates for the sake of being chocolates because it sounds gimmicky like the haggis one are they actually making a nice treat for you? Well, they are.

Their one is the chocolate emporium specifically because they're explaining about fucking fair trade. This woman farmer will grow two crops of cacao beans every year and the cacao beans that she goes on and sells will

eventually make fucking Cadbury's 10 grand back and they were like how much do you think she sells the cocoa beans for and we're like 1,000 is like 300 quid so like the markup is incredible. Yeah she does most of the fucking work like the long 8 month fucking stint of

like trying to dry these during rainy season and she gets 300 so this place is all like look the fair trade label is a good label they're not as good as they say they are but they're doing the right fucking things but these are all chocolates where we know the uh that it's come from good growers and it's more ethically fucking sustained and also you know because because like if i can she was saying like Cadbury cannot like every like apparently cocoa beans

are like fucking coffee beans or white like every region has a distinct flavour of chocolate like Venezuela and chocolate

is very different like Wayne because of what's in the dirt and because the minerals that are in the earth it's all different

but because dairy milk cannot they can't have different flavoured chocolates because you want a fucking

dairy milk bar so they just buy have different flavoured chocolates because you want a fucking dairy milk bar. So they just buy so much and they just mix it all together and all the fucking milk does the heavy lifting. So these are the ones where they're trying to make you a bit of a fucking chocolate snob where they're like,

who wants to try the 100% cacao? And if, jeez, anyone who says they like that. And it's just too bitter. Aye. People go, oh, this would go with a red wine. And you go, aye, because red wine's strong and it'll get rid of that taste quicker.

That's like me saying, this is a really good quiche, but it goes well with tequila, because after the tequila, I can't taste the quiche anymore. The quiche was never good. Like, if you're washing it fucking down with something that destroys all of your taste buds, you didn't like the previous thing. You were just fucking genociding your taste buds. You didn't like the previous thing.

You were just fucking genociding your taste buds, being like, we've gone through hell, lads. I need to clear this up. And you also went to, I don't know what's inspiring this little, the little days I haven't, but you went clay pot painting. Potting painting. You went and like fucking followed

Debbie Moore and Patrick Swayze back in clay pots. Well, because, clear pots so the other day he's trying to fix your marriage before you're even married I

kind of has to wake up at fucking eight because she works and so she just goes up to the office

and stuff and then if I'm not up by about ten she'll come in and call me a lazy

bastard and we'll just like bed together for a fucking bit because she's done her means

and like last week she just came down and like man the biggest fucking poutiest lip you've ever seen just hanging out like birds could have together for a fucking bit because she's done her means. And like last week she just came down and like man the biggest fucking poutiest lip

you've ever seen. She was hanging out like birds could have fucking landed on it and shat in her shoes. She was just in bed. She was in a grump. Someone that's rarely grumpy

was in a grump. Yeah. And Cara is she's like you. She's happy. 98% of her existence is aren't things brilliant and there's an outside night.

Right. And the other 2% you're on hold that's so full of me so uh she comes in she gets in bed and she's just like we're boring and i'm like all right i'd love to know where this has come i've just woken up we're boring and i'm like what do you mean she's like she's been on instagram and all like gareth and laura they're waiting open and they're doing kayaking i'm like do you even like kayaking she's like no but i do it i'm like right okay she's just seeing people doing stuff and she's like oh we should do stuff yeah we should do stuff and also she said we've not done anything for two weeks i'm like gareth we've had fucking covid we've been in isolation we're not boring we're coming out the well not

even at the end of a fucking global pandemic and we had the fucking disease but I get your point because of like lockdown and stuff and because the amount of time we spend in our house many of us myself included

you just get so used to being home and you fail to make plans because plans get scuppered yeah I was fucking devastated this weekend because I was meant to have like three of my mates up for the football

and one of them got COVID who had been in contact with the other one since his symptoms and all that and then fucking they had lockdown

and all of a sudden like my fucking plans are scuppered and I'd committed to them you know like me psychologically I was committed

to them plans I'd allowed myself to dream my plans were going ahead and then they got pulled and then they got scuppered so we make less plans because we don't want

to fucking get burned. Yeah, and everything can be delivered at home and you can do everything at home. I do think this pandemic has made a fucking wave of introverts accidentally. People won't go out as much, hopefully, a lot of fucking hell. So literally, just, you know,

your missus comes down in a fucking bad mood. I'm like, all like alright I'll just I'll just sit here and book a bunch of shit for the next week and man pottery painting is

fucking superb I did it once when I was very very young I was like 8 or 9 and my parents took me to one on the way back

from like grandparents or something but man you walk in and they've got all this fucking class little pottery and then you write

a list of all the paints you want and then you sit there and we were like this is going to be a really good bond it class little pottery and then you write a list of all the paints you want and then you sit there and we were like this is going to be really good bondage just me and Cara

out on a lovely date did not say a fucking word to each other for 75 minutes just engrossed in your own little project right because man

it's just so cathartic you know it's knitting right something that's for your hands that you've got to concentrate on a bit there's creativity in it

and you've got a coffee, they bring you biscuits, you can have some fucking paninis. And you can also listen to the five teachers who've just come in for a coffee and are just bitching to a fucking unreal amount about all the kids they've got and the parents of the fucking kids.

Wow, yes, that's a great insight. Oh my God. Make a podcast of that just one of them was just like have you got have you got

we late him whatever his fucking second have you got we late him Connery this year so it would be like oh

you had to deal with this fucking mum yet honestly first time you gave him trouble if you've not yelled at him yet you'll know when you've air quotes yelled at him because she'll fucking

come storming in telling you that's not the way to teach you but fucking ignore her I know she used to do meth back in the day she can't do this and Cara just like

what's this what's this special treat I'll get a soap I'll get a soap one of them was talking about like one of them's got like an 18 year old

so what happened were they doing pottery as well nope they just done a little pottery break it was in fucking South Queensfrey

which is such a wee South Queensfrey is one of those places that every time me and Cara go there we just go man we should come here more often just because it's in fucking South Queensfrey which is such a wee South Queensfrey is one of those places that every time me and Cara go there we just go man we should come here more often

just because it's filled with just nice cafes it's on the fucking shore there's some really good seafood restaurants and there's just lots to do because it's where little old biddies

go to fucking retire so one of these places one of their coffee places they like is you can come in to this pottery thing and you know they still do decent coffee

but man they were just clearly trying to get in out of the fucking rain a bit like the games place that we went to can come in to this pottery thing and you know they still do decent coffee but man they were just clearly trying to get in out the fucking ring. A bit like the games place that we went to with Tom and Elliot to play Dungeons and

Dragons which is an actual games cafe but the rest of the people that were there were just doing a little bit of working from home but not at home. And you all celebrated

beating the Queen of Zangalore like it was like a football celebration from the three of you it was it was like fucking Kane popping one in

aye it was Kane the footballer not the WWE wrestler just a clarifying aye yeah he really popped one in

we've been doing slipped one in at the Undertaker we've been doing the Tomb of Annihilation campaign, and there's just... In D&D, there's just this big, horrible, overrun garden, which eventually has a Medusa in it.

And I was fully... Just because of the way you played, I was like, just so you know, you might... Because I did it with another party. It was fucking Little Ali and Matt and that, and they fucking TPK'd on it they did

because we were so close to TDK TPK Total Party Kill oh right so we were so close because

there's two of us dying and rolling and there was a portion that the one remaining I think it was like Tom had and he had to choose

between me and Elliot mine was like a fairly new character because my character had died in a couple of games previously. Fell out of a tree. Fell out of a fucking tree, man. Fucking lost me saving for us. Fell out of a fucking tree.

I'd fought with dinosaurs, man. I'd ridden a dinosaur. He fell out of a fucking tree and died. Died in front of a tree. So it was, he had to choose between the two of us but then like we just defeated the boss but barely because we're hanging on here

two of us made that so he saves one and then I pass the save and throw and on that pass of the save and throw we just fucking took the lid off the cafe the board game cafe, the very quiet board gaming cafe had never seen a reaction like it

from fucking three and also like look D&D is literally for fucking anyone but Tom is a very buff Tony

you are Geordie Scum yeah Geordie Scum that's come through and Elliot is just scum like there's no

oh my brother cast magic missiles like it's not it was a mismatch it's not the clientele you were like how do these people know each other

is he the parole officer is the Scottish one a PO yeah how has he managed to convince all of these horrible little asbos that the way out

of crime and drug dealing is through D&D aye oh funny but aye there was just people just in there that were like of crime and drug dealing is through D&D aye funny but aye there was just people just in there that were like just openly laughing at me aye but in like a nice

like they were because they were all fucking you know a lot of them had played D&D before and they were like man we know that feeling if you fucking play D&D for a long campaign and you've got a good DM, it's a fucking... That was a fun thing of lockdown

was to have them regular Zoom meetings to play D&D. There was times where I had seen Tom so many times, but in character. And then when I saw him to hang out, I was like, oh, we've actually hung out loads, but not had a proper catch-up

because we've always been in character. If anyone fancies understanding more about D&D or getting into it the way I did, which is, I mean, it's the biggest D&D game in the world. If you know D&D, this isn't news to you. But it's called Critical Role, R-O-L-E. And it's Matthew Mercer and fucking six of the most talented voice actors in the world.

And Matt's just, he's the GOAT of fucking DMs. Campaign 2 just finished. It's a log slog. It's the equivalent of trying to catch up on EastEnders from the start. Season 2, I think, is 180 episodes, and they're all at least three hours long. So if you're going to get into it, you're committing for a long time.

But I did Campaign One, fucking loved it. That's what Fooley got me into. But it's just some very incredibly talented grown-ups playing make-believe. Yes, but the best at it. And you'll pick up the rules as you go along. And building a massive story the size of the Wheel of Time.

Yes, aye. It's just, man man it's so good it's the podcast that I it's my go to podcast for cleaning houses yeah driving you've got your

driving like I'm just I can listen to this for fucking ages I'm invested in all these characters I'm very fortunate enough to know

a lot of the cast at this fucking point yeah you know fucking hung out with them all and also I got embarrassingly

drunk with them I met them once and just showed them the best of us immediately Hiyo Matt Mercer, you're welcome Hi Matt Mercer, Marisha Ray and Brian Foster talking us out of jumping fully clothed into their swimming pool yep, yep, oh and you came close

you got nothing to change into, I'm not going to give you any of my clothes. That was the fucking night I broke my ankle. It was, and we lost the car. Let's not tell that story. Let's go into some dad jokes. Right. Your dad... I've got the notes, you know.

Your dad thinks flying a kite is fishing for birds. Your dad has a cruel mistress. Her name is Time and she gave him a 40-year-old son. It's kind of... Your dad can fit his entire foot into his mouth, but sometimes he needs to take his shoe off. Your dad pops zits with his feet. Wow.

Your dad's teeth fell out in real life and now he's worried that it means something bad's gonna happen in his dream your dad holds his nose while eating soup am I drowned? how's it smell? I don't know! Elliot steel in the water park on holiday jumping into the chalet under his fucking nose pinched man

that's just I'm off a drone aye spare muggle corner here I know it's been a while if you hold your fucking nose while jumping in a pool going down a flume

or going off a diving board get in the fucking corner Jesus Christ look okay it's a mild inconvenience and slightly uncomfortable if water goes up your nose it's not going to kill you

unless you do it unless you're Milo sniffing the bottom of water goes up your nose. It's not going to kill you unless you do it. Like, unless you're Milo sniffing the bottom of your pants. Oh, that's for all the time. You're going to be putting a bit of discomfort, right? But, like, it's going to save you

from having to pinch your nose when you jump in. Looking at it the other way around, it doesn't look like you're saving yourself by pinching your nose. Save yourself from pinching your nose by just having to

Nobody respects anyone. Here's a little tip as well. Just let air come out your nose. If there's air coming out, water can't go in. Sorted. Your dad has no filter. Absolutely zero filter. So there's always floating bits in his coffee.

You were writing one. Yes, I was. I just realised I was spelling mistaken. After a shower, your dad dries himself by rolling around on the carpets. Nice. Aye. He's covered in fucking lollipop sticks

by the end of it. It's a real nightmare. Your mum has to hose him down. And then he dries himself off on the carpet. It's a vicious cycle. Fortunately, it's nice though. Your dad has the same crocs as six years ago on this podcast

when I said your dad wears crocs Do you think that's true? It must be Has he got the same crocs? Aye Yeah He's not going to recycle them After a long walk

your dad takes off his shoes takes off his jacket and hangs himself up in the cupboard by his shirt until it's time to go out again I thought he should dry himself Done? I think so should dry himself done I think so

aye we're done that was my birthday podcast well happy birthday have a great

day if you'd like to buy me anything for my birthday how about just recommend this podcast

to your friends aye we'll sign up to the Patreon speaking of which I'll be doing a Patreon one we'll be getting

Cully Wally back on if you want to listen to the alone special of this podcast'll be doing a Patreon one with we'll be getting Kaliwali back on if you want to listen to the alone special of this podcast yeah so that's going to be on Thursday and last Thursday

it was me and Barry Castanola who coined the Linda showed Linda now that's because of Barry

see you next time