Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.28 Behind Enemy Lines

Episode Date: July 14, 2021

Muggins upsets Cream's core values with a ridiculously naive faux pas in the build up to a certain football match. Dropping this podcast off super early access as Monday will be spent with one of us celebrating and the other wallowing regardless of what happens.

alright just getting a rushed intro done so that I can put this up before I watch the game because whatever happens I'm not going to be in a fit state to do any of this tomorrow so here's your Monday podcast very early on a Sunday I don't know you can maybe use it to kill some time before 8 o'clock or

you can just listen to it midweek but I'm putting it up now so I can disappear off the fucking grid. Kiss, kiss, kiss. We're magicians and cynical. Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? And we are back on the road once again. How did you sleep last night, Cream? Ugh. I mean, well, for like the first five hours, six hours. Not even for me, because I stayed up watching Invincible,

and we'll talk about that in a minute. Aye, so we came back from Portsmouth which was a fucking brilliant gig. It was the first one we've done in a while where obviously restrictions are lifting a bit more and more so for the past let's say two months we've been gigging to

like 25-30% capacity which is, you know, it is what it is and the audiences, they are always just fucking... We're getting excited because this was near a 50. Aye, 50% Near a half full. There were 600 people in and And they gave it large, didn't they?

It was one of them where, like, on the offstage mic announcement they were big. Aye. So I was like, oh, like Anytime they laugh at my shit patter from the offstage mic, you're like this is going to be a fun gig. Do you know what? I prefer my job when I'm not needed. You know what I mean? Like when I don't need to meet them on a level and then

build them up for bringing you on. When I can just get on and it's just instantly a gig. And I didn't expect that because Portsmouth is a shithole. But it wasn't yesterday. It wasn't yesterday. I don't know if it's got better or if the sun was shining.

Or because now that we're sort of at a further stage in our career. We're in a nicer theatre whereas we're in a bit of a grungy rock venue the first time we're there. Whereas now we're just going to sort of nicer places and it was just, it was like clearly near the university campus. Which must be devastating to tell your parents you got into Portsmouth Uni. You would tell them you got into uni first, wouldn't you? Aye. When would you soften the blow? And then you would say Portsmouth.

Aye. I'm off to university. Oh, my God. Well, you wouldn't do it the other way around, would you? I got into Portsmouth. I got into Portsmouth University. Football team. Yeah.

What are you studying? Men's studies. Oh, God. So, because we didn't stay in Portsmouth, studying men's studies oh god so because I was going to we didn't stay in Portsmouth we're in Leicester

right now we're backstage just before the Leicester gig we've got a lot to live up to by the way I told them

they've got it in them nah can't so I had to drive back to London where we stayed

because it was hot halfway here and you got absolutely fucking mullet on whiskey alright well Sid came down and I've not seen Sid in a bit and he was like I can't drink too much because I was hot halfway here and you got absolutely fucking mullered on whiskey alright

well Sid came down and I've not seen Sid in a bit and he was like I can't drink too much because I'm driving and I was like alright well I'm going to ignore that

and I'm just going to fucking drink and then like I had like half a bottle of whiskey and then some venues just don't do the fucking rider

you forget there's a rider so I walked to the stage and there's two gin and tonics there and I'm like well they poured them so this is this is how drunk you were I don't know if fucking rider. You forget there's a rider. So I walked to the stage and there's two gin and tonics there and I'm like, well, they poured them. So this is how drunk you were. I don't know if you'll remember this,

right? We watched an episode of Invincible in your room when we got back to the hotel and then you put your toothpaste on your toothbrush to brush your teeth, right?

And then I went to grab your toothpaste so that I could use it, take it back to my room and use it because I didn't travel well anymore. Right? Because I'm a fucking idiot and I didn't travel well anymore. I'm a fucking idiot and I didn't travel

well anymore I went and grabbed the toothpaste but he didn't realise what I was doing and he gave us a hug he hugged us at the door because I went and

reached past him for the toothpaste it was like the fucking Tony Stark Spider-Man scene in the car when he was getting the door handle

he was like alright come Tony we're all emotional Val had a whiskey except me and then at fucking 6.30 in the morning the fire alarm went off

and I fucking hate fire alarms because I'm going to say 99.99999% of the time it's not a fucking fire it's never a fucking fire 99.99999% of the time. Couple more nines. It's not a fucking fire. It's never a fucking fire. It's cried wolf so many times with me,

I'm going to definitely burn to death in this hell. All fire alarm drills in high school and primary school and at work teaches you is that it's never a fire and to slow down and that it's a waste of your fucking time, which is not the response. I've been through maybe, I'm going to say, 500 fire alarms in my life and none of them have ever been a fucking fire. So now when there's a genuinely

fire, I'm just not going to do it. I'm going to fucking enjoy the sauna and I'm going to go out in a blaze of smoke. Not in the way I wanted to. I noticed you didn't show up downstairs. I was downstairs with the fucking rest of the muggles. Well, because the first thing I wanted to do was just phone reception, just go, you know what, just turn it off.

You know it's not a fire. Just fucking turn it off. People are trying to fucking sleep. Turn it fucking off. But they'll be like, oh, sir, we've got to follow this safety procedures. And you're like, would it not be better if you had like a fucking fire alarm system that let you know exactly which fire alarm, which smoke detector's gone off, right? And then you send staff up there immediately

and then within two minutes you can fucking turn the alarm off and be like, right, whoever's in that room's kicked out because they've fucking set... They've got to go. If you set off the fire alarm and disrupt everybody's sleep in the hotel, which they're paying specifically to sleep in. Nobody's there because they just want to live their lives.

You're there because you need a bed. Right, and don't get me wrong, like, man, I've smoked in hotel rooms. I've understood that you want to fuck... Aye, but you're going into the bathroom,

you shut the door, you run the shower on hot. You put a sock over the fucking thing. We all know that... What kind of fucking monk is smoking in a hotel without knowing

how to not set off the fucking fire alarms? So it's like, mate, get out. Oh, but man, we just wanted to do it. Man, you fucked up. You just didn't do it right and you don't get to sleep in

this fucking hotel anymore. So finally, eventually, I start fucking pissing and moaning, start putting my fucking clothes on and then obviously the fire alarm goes off and I'm fucking immediately on the text to my liner being like, I'm not paying for this hotel. Like that. I paid for the hotel to get a fucking sleep I'm not paying for this hotel like that

I paid for the hotel to get a fucking sleep and I didn't get a fucking sleep therefore hotel didn't give me what I was offered I'm having a full fucking refund at this point

that must be a fucking nightmare for the hotel when they're like every cunt's gonna want a refund we've all just worked for nothing tonight because it's some

fucking douche bag get a better system that's it, isn't it? Aye, the staff aren't losing their fucking wages but the building

can absolutely lose its fucking wages. Get a better system. Here it is, silent alarm. Aye. Silent alarm that alerts the staff.

The staff can't take the measures to go and find out that it's absolutely a drill. Aye, which it always fucking is. Which it always is because even though you go,

oh, but them seconds could be valuable yeah but it's valuable that you fucking make and have this like kind of what's it called

Pavlov's dog is that the right use of it I don't think it is really the alarm rings it's not a fire it's like it's

telling me that there's not a fire it's just a drill every single time it does that and then that's going to take valuable seconds

off the time you need it. Aye, aye. Because nobody's rushing at the building. Like literally, when the alarm went off, I opened the door and it was just a bunch of people. And we were all just gauging each other's faces and being like, is anyone else leaving their fucking rooms for this fucking rigmarole? This shite that we know is not necessary?

And I saw a couple of people closing the door. And then while I was just getting back to bed with a pillow in my head, I heard other people leaving. And I was like, oh God, the door. And then while I was just getting back to bed with a pillow in my head, I heard other people like leaving. And I was like, oh God, I'll just have to fucking do it. And then it fucking went off. I was downstairs like a fucking mug. And I've started smoking again

because I'm just fucking nervous all the time because of the football. So I lit a cigarette on those two stairs at six in the morning fucking in me slacks having a smoke and they're like oh there he is

absolutely looked like it was me that was him that's him I wonder which way I felt like the sketch on I think you should leave

where he's the hot dog guy he smashed through the fucking door he's wearing a hot dog suit going which one did it have you watched the new season of that yet I have not

it was good well the thing is I love I not it was good well the thing is I love I think you should leave and the thing is there's the occasional as with all sketch shows there's the occasional sketch

which just doesn't tickle you it's like a bag of grapes and some of them are olives aye if supposing you don't like olives aye which you never do if you're expecting a grape

aye nobody's ever gone oh this was a nice surprise oh nice an olive like you've got to know you're having an olive to enjoy an olive. Aye.

So there's a couple of sketches in there that I imagine other people probably enjoy. Like, the show's not just for me. And our friends are in the first series. Aye, Chris Martin. Chris Martin. But the ones that bang,

bang fucking hard. Like, real, real good. Like, I'm excited to watch it again and go through it and just see if any of them fucking tickle me again in a different way. Have I just missed out on some good sketch comedy

or has it been a good while since those good sketches? Yeah, Antidona, sure, was good. Antidona, of course. That was good. It's so weird because they are sketch comedy but it just seems to be so like

weird like it's such a through arc aye they managed to keep the fucking story in there aye

I'm pretty sure there's other sketch comedy but just because like we don't watch much of it like I imagine we just don't

see the fucking the best of it I tell you what they need to give whitest kids you know a fucking sketch show again I haven't seen them I don't think you have they need to give whitest kids you know a fucking sketch show again I haven't seen them

I don't think you have they're the greatest one okay yeah aye are they the one where the white guy

is using the black guy to say the n-word where there's a white guy that's like speaking all gangster and every time he gets up

with a word that he can't say the black guy says it for him is that them I've not seen that sketch I can't tell you on Cane Peel

Aye Cane Peel Aye there's another fucking absolutely fucking biogothic I always love that I got to tell somebody about

the acid bitch sketch the other day I thought just everybody had seen that Aye because I thought it was Barry Casnola he said something about

that he'd sent to his missus and I went you said that though you really said that and he was like nah I didn't really say it but he just answered it Aye I was like wait a minute you don't know theus and I went you said that though you really said that and he was like nah I didn't really say it but he just answered this

and I was like wait a minute you don't know the sketch and I got to send him the link and then you get to be that

fucking I mean I hate when people do it to me but I always love being on the other side of the coin

when you get to introduce somebody to comedy and you spend half of the time watching them watching

the comedy to make sure that they laugh at the right bits otherwise they drop a whole bunch of ranks in your friendship rating

it's like an example really man it's the number one fucking I can remember when I was single and like

I'm just fucking shagging around and what not and afterwards just being a legend aye my number one fucking go to

for the ultimate fucking test is whether if this relationship is going any further was always Bo Burnham oh really yeah

and if they didn't like her they didn't laugh at her and I'm like fair enough everyone's entitled to their own opinion and my opinion is now I don't want to see you again

you probably couldn't do that now even though I think Bo Burnham's special is fucking brilliant there's some class bits in it you would just you would just have to

watch them and go aye I suppose I can see why you're looking at a blankly aye the new yeah with Insight I loved Insight

I thought it was fucking brilliant but I don't understand why some people are like because there was this like real like narrative from some people that like

it should be funny and it's not funny and if it's not funny it's not a comedy special like I fucking laughed loads at some bits that fucking white girl Instagram bit was amazing

I would agree it's not a stand up special I know but it's absolutely a stand up special I know but it's absolutely it is a fucking comedy special

and it's remarkable what he was able to do from his own fucking home with all the fucking

time he's just a very very talented person Cara passed all the tests but Cara's

good as well because she knows how much comedy is just my thing and it's my favourite thing in the world there'll be times

when I'll just fucking show her sketches and start up and it's not from her but she knows I just love watching again also the amount of times I've just made her watch

the same sketch again and she's like and she'll just fucking sit through it do you know that she's seen it before? by the end are you just forgetting

that you've shown her it? I always forget. I've got an appalling fucking memory. And she could, and she'd be well within her rights, to go, oi, dumb cunt, I've seen the It's Not About the Nails sketch, which is a brilliant sketch. So good.

A thousand times. But I always think the side of a fucking good partner is, man, we've repeat stories. We know. We fucking repeat stories. Aye, that's what this podcast is. Aye, that's all it is. We just don't fucking remember.

Anyway, we forget details, so we'll add new ones. The story that we told two years ago has now got backflips in it. Aye. Firebranders. Mixed it up. And I think a good partner is just the one.

And it goes both ways. But you just sit there and you go, I'm going to have to hear this tape story again. Lucia has heard Nick Cody's stories 17,000 times aye like

she's just fucking and that's she sits there and she smiles he's a good storyteller just enjoy them over and over aye just go

here we go it's like listen to a fucking good like I've never agreed with you know like you hone your stories on your partner

aye aye you're my whetstone aye you're my whetstone you're my whetstone but you're thoroughly dry at this point because you've heard this tale

so many times but thank you for letting me hone it I love you so much on the other side of things like I listen to her days like I've got genuinely I'm like

how was your day at work and she was like you don't care I'm like I do not about like what happened at work yeah I don't want the details I want to know

how you are within yourself aye but what made you passionate today and let's gripe about someone I've never met before because fucking I'm happy to get on your bandwagon and fucking hate

because so many times you've jumped on mine yeah I told you it was something yesterday that you lost your mind at it's the dumbest thing you've ever done

you know what? And this is coming two episodes after us talking about the fucking bull run. This is the dumbest thing you've ever fucking done I've ever been, like, I've ever heard you fucking do. It's balls to the wall stupid. It was very, very dangerous. In retrospect, I agree.

You're lucky to be alive. Well. Yeah. Aye. Aye. It was, like, I didn. You're lucky to be alive. Well. Yeah. Aye. Aye. It was, like, I didn't read the room. You didn't read the country! That's what I meant by the room.

You fucking, like, look, you live up in Scotland, you've got a Scottish fucking missus. I'm from Newcastle, so I get accepted as Scottish. You're a Scottish person, you've got lots of Scottish mates, and you fucking, like... And people forget I'm from Newcastle so I get accepted as Scottish as a Scottish person you've got lots of Scottish mates and you fucking like and people forget I'm English sometimes look if I was Nicholas Sturgeon I'd give you a Scottish

passport I'd be like he's done enough yeah they give us a vote you know you understand our culture you're one of the ones that you know

truly understands that you know that the Scottish just hate the English the Scottish just hate the English we just do historically Historically we hate them as a fucking... Like, one-on-one

we'll get on with the end groups, but as a concept. Yeah. As an idea. Yeah. But you're one of the few English people I know who is able to wrap your head around that concept and not get too wound up about it. Or so I thought. Well, Natalie

told us it was a bad idea before I left the house. But, and she is Scottish, so she should know. But basically, I'm going to London on, well, tonight. Aye. And I'm going to be watching the final on Sunday. And Natalie, for my birthday, ordered me an England top. So I didn't buy an England top. And it didn't arrive.

She bought it short. Did you order it from Sophology? Fucking yeah. Yeah, we didn't say their name. Like, I've got ties with them. Fucking bringing up my ex. I don't tie it with them anymore. So I fucking ordered an England top from Sophology.

And it shorted it before the from Sophology and it she ordered it before the quarter final and it didn't arrive she ordered it like for my birthday which was the

5th of July anyone asking for next year and I was like well I'm gonna need one for the England game and they're gonna

be sold out in England so I'll have to get one while I'm up here because no one's buying them up here nobody's selling them up here

that's what she said to me and I was like well fuck it I get that you definitely like the English now lad but you'd like

way to underplay it yeah they just they just don't like us that's it it's like you know it's tense because we're ex no

you're gonna take my money nope well let's just take this pride over money mate national pride over money mate national pride over

fucking money this is where the stereotype breaks down of Scottish people being tied because if that stereotype was true you're taking Englishman's money

for a bit of fucking rag aye right what you would see is an absolute fucking you wouldn't be paid to be seen in it and someone's offering you what I don't know how much

you're like 60 quid for it aye right so I got into Glasgow to look for a fucking England shirt I said toodle pip to my wife walking down, saucer in one hand

cup of tea in the other tycoon chap fucking gun slung over your back so you can go fox hunting afterwards this is how much I was fucking ready to sell me soul to the devil to get a fucking England shirt for the game right

because I went into Sports Direct Mike Ashley's shop I'm like the fucking that no moral having motherfucker is absolutely making a bunch of

real Ferdinand's best friend real Ferdinand's best friend strangling the life with a fucking out my my football club

right I'm like I'll go into his shop I'll shake hands with the devil I'll get a football tub from there because they're about to sell it I look around and I'm like they must be sold out Honestly

I'm about to fucking kick your head in I'm genuinely going to go into my wallet and get the best friend cards and use it to let me fucking kick your head. Did you tell me not to fight back? Aye. What the fuck are you talking about? Sold it.

What the fuck? How long have you known me and this fucking country? Mate, listen. Right? I knew you hated it. I knew I was going to be met with disdain when I bought it, right? But it was like...

Here's an example. You went to Trump's inauguration just because you happened to be gigging in D.C. Yes, and I hate Mexicans. And yes, that also, but like, I'll delete that. So, you said there was a black guy selling MAGA hats.

Yeah, so it was me and Eric Lampere, we wanted to just try and find, because the media told us that all Trump fans were fucking racists and I tend not to believe the media and everything

wanted to go there and save him also we were convinced he was going to get shot like we were like if any president

gets fucking shot at the inauguration it's fucking this one polishing your rifle just forgetting that was a euphemism just really enjoying the thought of it

just forgetting that lefties are all c just really enjoying the thought of it just forgetting that lefties are all cucks and don't have any spine like a left wing president will get fucking shot in the head

a right wing will get boo stop it stop being mean chain yourself to a tree aye

and there was a black guy selling MAGA hats and I was like fuck it. Like, let's go talk to this guy. I'll buy a fucking hat. Well, I didn't go over the attention of buying a hat.

But I was like, do you actually support Trump? And he was like, nah, man. I'm just here to make money off of fucking idiots. And I'm like, sold. 100% sold. Here's 20 bucks. Keep the fucking change. Buy a MAGA hat made in China.

This is it. This is American capitalism. Yep. So that sat in my psyche. That there. What you just said there. I was like, yeah, of course. You're not going to turn up for a business opportunity to fleece the people you hate.

Aye. Right? And I was willing to be that person you hate, right? So I fucking, it's not in Sports Direct. Have a good route around. Keep spotting Newcastle tops. Go and have a look at them because the new ones are due out, right? They're like, Sports Direct might have them in advance.

Right. Like, that's a UV top, you're all Italian here so I'm like, alright, okay there's none left I can't, it's just Just to give some people who are not from Scotland some context every two years you can walk into, I'm going to say 90%

of stores sports stores in Scotland and you can buy the official national strips of the other three teams in England's group. Which was really hard for you this year,

considering you're in the same group. We're like, selling Czech Republic, like, we're not going to do well. You didn't need to sell Croatia tops because you already fucking had them from 2018 so I got into JD right

there's a quick glance around and it starts sinking in that I've probably fucking had a swing in this that you've gone into a butcher's for a salad Natalie was right

she usually is it's a general rule of thumb that like it's taken us a long time to learn, but I still test it. Aye. Well, you've got to have your own autonomy,

and sometimes there's an exception that proves the rule, and we live on that exception. So did we ever have the conversation on here that I do some dumb things sometimes, but you guys think I'm actually clinically retarded? Aye. Right. You know the fucking

the crumpets and the toaster thing the the French toast aye French toast and the toaster like I just made a joke that I put eggy toast

on the toaster sideways right I'm having my breakfast and I went turned the toaster sideways and made the French toast and the toaster and she's just fucking gobsmacked

like you'll fuck the toaster and I was like well I obviously didn't that's obviously a joke which was like well it's not obviously a joke it's in line with stuff that you do aye right so she's giving us gobsmacked like you'll fuck the toaster and I was like well I obviously didn't that's obviously a joke and she was like well it's not obviously a joke it's in line with stuff that you do aye

right so she's given us that and I'm like oh yes I've actually got his like his joy of friends and I think we've had this conversation on here before but I'm just getting you up to speed for the rest of this conversation

right so you walk into a Scotland store to try and buy a nickname shirt that sort of stuff that's worse than the toaster thing it's way worse than the toaster thing. I thought, you know what?

I thought you'd be... I didn't feel very accommodated. Right, let's... Accommodated? Let's put a bookmark. After what you've done to our fucking country. Accommodated. It wasn't Gareth Southgate and the boys.

I wish you could see his face. I wish you could see his face on the podcast to just not read any fucking history you guys are very accommodating to the English when you came up fucking north and we had no concept of what land was and you were like you know what who owns this land

my family's lived here for a couple of years do you have a contract we were like we don't know what contracts are and you were like get the fuck out of here not very accommodating I'm sorry was the red carpet not fucking rolled out for you Like, do you have a contract? We were like, we don't know what contracts are. And you were like, get the fuck out of here. Not very accommodating. I'm sorry, was the red carpet not fucking rolled out for you? Well, you know, I've got soft.

I've spent five years in London with a rich tapestry of diversity rolling through the culture. You're going to 100% buy yourself a Scotland top. Now I feel like a cook. I can do that. So I'm in JD Sports. Let's get back to the thing about the crumpets right the eggy crumpets which by the way

eggy crumpets are better try them just sliding in a sponge that was seamless so I'm giving up on the idea but I need a new

pair of joggies right because I'm just getting a bit fucking torn from scratching my balls around the salvia right

I'm hanging up some joggers I'm fucking hanging them by the side of myself and the house out of the air right and I'm hanging up some joggers I'm fucking hanging them by the side of myself and last that works there comes up and asks if I need

any help and I went actually controversial question but do you sell England shirts and she just went what

and I went like England tops do you sell England she went I hate you I just she was fucking ghost matched I had a fucking you are so lucky

that was a woman by the way I nearly wasn't I nearly wasn't if it was a Glaswegian woman she just went I can't like so the cell went do you have any England tops

what do you sell England shirts I heard what you said I just can't believe you would ask that this is a member of staff

aye a member of staff who has grown up in Scotland man like I just

in retrospect so dumb dumbest thing in the fucking world did you walk into the fucking Celtic shop

afterwards and be like you got any fucking hun socks in here I just fancy some fucking blue ones you got any blue scarves no like I understand

maybe in theory where you're like oh you know you can make a fucking penny they would not be able to make a penny selling England shirts in any Scottish shop

because I tell you why me an arguably rational man if I were to walk into Edinburgh City Centre and walk into a JD Sports and there was an England shirt there I would take it

I'd go to the fucking dressing room and I would happily down the front wipe my fucking arse with it put it back on the fucking coat hanger and then stick it back in the storefront and everyone else

would be like he's done that that stock is perishable stock. It has a fucking shelf life. It stops everything else getting sold. It's costing the place money. It's got a shelf life of however fast I'd say it is,

which is fast as the speed of light. That's how much, like... You know what, actually, another thing that I thought, that I was a bit naive to, I just thought, like, you and Gareth and Mark, were just a disgusting cross-section of the nation.

Nope. Man, man. I thought you were just like... I didn't think the rest of the country was that bothered about... 100% they are. Man, then it's a dark, dark cloud over Scotland. Thankfully we're used to that. I mean, I should have been able to tell

by the fact that you really went out of your way to make sure the Queen isn't on the money Aye Like that's a dead giveaway Like you know all the warning signs are there It's like man my dad who doesn't give a fucking shit about any sport in the entire world Even messaged me just being like this is going to fucking suck Like this is going to just be shite

Because it's going to be used by the worst of the worst which is 45% of them if not more. It's going to be used as justification of fucking Brexit. It's going to be fucking, it's never your own victory, it's always rubbing it in someone else's face. Can you not say the good in it?

Southgate has been anti-Brexit not so much anti-Brexit but anti the racial connotations that come with the Brexit movement. He's spoken openly about that. The players take the knee against racism. But that's not what it represents to half the bastards. You've got people that are saying,

I'm not watching this because of this fucking political stuff. And then you're like, nah, we're still doing it. And we're going to get on to succeed and be what we want this country to be despite all this fucking shite that's dragging

us down as a nation and it's actually better in England as a country that the football team's doing well I hope that's true it will be nice

if that's true but I guarantee it that's not going to be the fucking reaction for the next two months I think this is a lot of positive role models for children and for the next two months I think this is a lot of positive role models

for children and for the future and like I just think that maybe on an individual basis as a really like fucking grip me teeth Englishman

like that far north that I just fucking try and disassociate sometimes and think of Newcastle as it's own state right like I fucking hate

the politics of the country and I'm looking at this and this is actually like it's a bit I mean it's like it's almost like reclaiming the flag and the'm looking at this guy and this is actually like it's a bit I mean it's like it's almost like reclaiming the flag and the national anthem

away from the right and it's making it like it just I don't know I feel like it's good for the football but anyway

that's beside the point I'm too fond of that because we're never going to agree on this since point of view but when I did that the shot right it was one of them dawning realizations.

It was like, in a way, have you ever been in a gay bar and you think everyone's just being friendly and you're having a dance and all that. And then you look around and you're like, it clicks and you're like, oh, I'm in a gay bar. And then you're like, they're shocked that you couldn't see it beforehand. You're like, nobody's this nice to me. Right. I just have a lovely ass. It was one of those moments where like just the whole

scenery around us just like changed in my head like oh I didn't have my eyes open at this point the glass shattered the glass shattered uh huh

and I was there in Glasgow in a shop and I like I just quickly bought me a chocolate and left even though I'm not a fit

I don't know man I swear to god before she was on the fucking walkie talkie she's probably telling someone can you get the security up here has there been a robbery way worse

a thousand times worse oh don't tell me somebody grabbed your arse still a thousand times worse oh my god has there been a murder has there been a rape has there some sort of

been some sort of level two genocide again Barry you're getting close but is there a pedophile ring no been a rape? Has there been some sort of level 2 genocide? Again, Barry, you're getting close. Is there a paedophile ring? No. Still,

a thousand times worse than that. There's fucking one of them trying to buy... Sincerely, I saw him and at first

I looked around for cameras. I thought it must have been one of those fucking shite YouTube pranks. That's how she reacted, actually. That's why she didn't

fucking kick her head in because she thought she was on a fucking prank show and she was like I can't I can't batter this stupid cunt

in this store because in some of these fucking in the Juventus shops there's going to be some wee cunt with a fucking camera and I'm just going to

end up chinning this fucking cunt and then that's going to be used as evidence in fucking court against me and then she's waiting she's waiting she's waiting and then it fuck just as you leave it dawns on her she's like i missed an opportunity there to do the right thing for the saltire she's telling that story isn't she absolutely and everyone is asking for the security footage

right they're going through it and they're like find out what direction he walked in what buses go that way let's work out what part of Glasgow he fucking lives in

let's go find the car aye there's a few Scottish listeners that are probably getting a bit wound up by this already right it's the it's a girl that works

at JD Sports in Silverburn if you happen to know the girl that works at JD Sports in Silverburn in Glasgow please send her my deepest and sincerest

apologies I knew I was behind enemy lines but I thought it was like eh brother that's fighting you know that great fucking scene in Glorious Bastards where they're all pretending to be Nazis

they're down in the basement they're all Pretending to be Oh that's how I've been Watching the match I've been under the floor boys They're down in the basement They're all pretending To be fucking Germans And it's such a good scene They get They work out The guy's not German

Because they ask him Any beers he wants And he holds up Three fingers But he holds up Index, middle And then the fourth one Which is Steve

Or whatever his fucking name is But the way Germans Do the number three Is thumb, forefinger And middle That's how they And because he does this, they go, that's a fucking... That's a fucking Englishman right there.

Man, that was... You were a more brazen version of that. There was just tenseness there. Yeah, somehow worse. She's desperately just trying to fucking... She's pressing the emergency... She's got one of those fucking emergency signals on her phone. Just being like, this has got to fucking happen.

I've got to fucking record this. I set my emergency alarm off watching porn the other day. Did I tell you that? I was watching porn in a hotel room. Aye. And I went to turn it down because it was a bit loud. You know, you don't want the neighbors hearing. Never, aye.

And I kept tapping the volume button to get it down. But there was a power button and it set off my rape alarm must have been an aggressive wank just people busting like is everything alright turning yourself in sorry mate can we just call it a faux pas I wish you could see his face

it's just there should have see his face it's just there should have been a video it's just it's just so it's it's like

the scene from fucking die hard with a vengeance with a sandwich board in the middle of Harlem but somehow

it's still worse still way worse than that still a thousand times fucking worse man do you think that would be like no just head on Still worse. Still way worse than that. Still a thousand times fucking worse. Man, do you think that would be like... No, just add on.

Just kind of... People are going to... I don't know if this is going to be divided or if this is going to be clear cut, right? But if the Celtic range has rivalry, worse or less worse? You can't say better, can you, in this situation, than England Scotland

em to be fair most of the time that really depends on the the fans I think like you'll get worse

on both sides but the reason like fucking I mean I feel like as much as I've been involved in the rivalry with Scotland

it's a lot of ribbing and it's a lot of name calling and stuff like that but like it doesn't feel threatening whereas I feel like with the old firm it's threatening

I don't I don't I don't think it's not threatening because nobody's crossed the line like I have yeah I don't

I don't think or at least I fucking hope like the thing is as well like man look you know my feelings towards the fucking English fucking football team

and English fucking football fans I'd never I'd never fight the cats, right? I'd never... Aye, but that's you. Aye, but I don't... No, no, no, but again, it's not...

Like, I don't think that the Tottenham Army was bringing that vibe to London. It was fun. Like, I love the videos coming out of Scotland. Aye, but I don't... Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I don't think the intention is to ever fucking kick your head and get fucking like we use we use our fucking

hatred for just let's make some memes let's say some horrible fucking things let's support everybody that they play against aye

and that's what that's the outlet or at least that's what I fucking hope the outlet is for fucking most people whereas I feel like

Rangers self-pick heads like I'm gonna fucking kick your head and then fucking stab you but English fans are I feel like Rangers, Celtic heads, like I'm going to fucking kick your head and then fucking stab you. But English fans are a lot like Rangers fans, where they're just like, all football fans are bad. And you're like, aye, but the statistics are you are worse. Like, there's a whole argument, like Celtic and Rangers fans are, like, can both be terrible.

But statistically, Rangers fans, violence-wise, are absolutely worse. I'm realising how hated we are now because of how successful we're getting because like I did know that Wales hated when I knew that Scotland hated as far as football went

because it's fucking it's right in your face but it's it's realising how much people on the continent hate you oh you're a hate being hated by the Danish

is really hard to swallow because they are sound man they are really fucking sound and like I think it was like

the front page of their paper was like let them have it let them rejoice we get to wake up in Denmark or something like

saying it would be treacherous waking up here which by the way just to clarify I've woke up in Denmark a handful of times on tour love the country

bastard cafe Christiania it's class and all that I've woke up in Denmark a handful of times been through to a finals better sauce lads

sauce lads but way better than waking up in Denmark but I get your point you're not waking up in England aye but it's this where was it

I can't remember where it was but I do fucking remember it was the it was like a sort of crystallising moment for you somewhere in Europe

where I said I was Scottish and I was greeted with like proper open arms like hey fucking yeah man how you doing

lovely to have you here and they were like you're Scottish too and you were like English and they just froze up and it was

and I think with the football fans right I think that the hatred for the English comes from these loudmouth, like, fucking, oi, oi, ois, like, fucking, you know. Tartan dodging, gammon shagging, Brexit voting cunts.

Why, you know what, right, I hated them for being the stereotypical English fan, right, but I look at them and go, right, but probably a lot of them are season ticket holders, they watch a lot of football. They're racists, so they're probably Chelsea fans. Probably, yeah. You've got to be associated with them too.

Aye, aye. But as far as being football fans gone, right, as people, cunts, right, as football fans, you're actually fucking into football, you care about the game, right? What I'm really hating is the people that are fucking just getting into it for... They're never going to watch another game, they're pretending to like it. Boris Johnson? Boris Johnson, pretty Patel.

How can the... They are pulling on England's tubs. The fucking... They look like they're wearing their dad's little fitting suit. Right. That's just... It's not for you, that. Begging up the English football team,

which is one of the reasons the England football team is so good at the moment, is because of immigration. Like, I don't know if you've seen the fucking meme where it is. It's meant... What the England team is without fucking... I'm proud of that. Aye. That sort of stuff makes me proud to be English.

But these are the fucking cunts that are stopping... Like, the fucking... Pray for a tail stopping. Anyone fucking coming over,. But these are the fucking cunts that are stopping, like, the fucking, pray for tell stopping anyone fucking coming over, let's keep all these fucking cunts out. It's like, you don't get to support the team. Nah, nah. You don't get, you stand fundamentally against, like, what this is. So you don't get to pretend that you're fucking happy for them.

You're not, because you are just going to use it, like so many people will, which is, it's not we won it's you all lost we're fucking better than you this horrible fucking

you know I'm getting to the point now where the ooh we did a good at the kickball tribe are the fucking worst for me

at this point I'm like oh man like it's not yours you don't get to fucking sell you haven't been through all the fucking like you know I think it's just because you don't get to fucking sell you haven't been through

all the fucking like you know I think it's just because I've supported a fucking mid-table club for most of my life so up top

when I started supporting Newcastle right but we've been fucking yo-yo club at times we've went up and down in 2009 2016 I've always been either

getting relegated or an also-ran surviving relegation right England have always despite we're singing it's coming home it never has we've always suffered

and I'm like different just jump on this end a bit you've got to have a little bit of the journey you can't fucking just join in

it's very it's very Americans with World War 2 which is like we won World War 2 and you go first of all first of all

obviously you absolutely definitely assisted in fucking World War II. Very grateful for it. It was the fucking Russians, though. Like, it was the Russians able to, like, just their fucking tenacity to not lose fucking Stalingrad. Where they're just like, we're just not losing.

If the Germans weren't fighting on the Western Front and had to throw everything at us. Right, but the American stance is, is what the average American fucking stance is if it wasn't for us you'd be speaking German you go if it wasn't for the Russians you'd be speaking German like it's like

so that said I want to throw in a disclaimer if the tournament because of its popularity has opened people's eyes to football what have I been missing alright get in

more than more than hey because here's the thing if you're suddenly fucking getting into football and they go what have I been missing alright get in more than more than hey because here's the thing if you suddenly fucking get into football and you've got a favourite football player

in the tournament and you decide to fucking follow that player off people will call you glory hunters as a Chelsea fan I've been called

a glory hunter for fucking at least aye but that's part of it be that that's part of the fucking there's a trade off if you don't want to be

a glory hunter you've probably got to support wherever you live, like Wigan or something. In that, yeah, you'll have a little bit of fucking respect off your peers, but... But man, if you want to be

a fucking glory hunter, right, just be prepared to take the fucking room. It is class watching your fucking team win. Like, look... I tried to when I was younger. I tried to be a Man United fan. I mean, everyone's a Man United fan until they're 8 years old

especially if you're born in the 90s if you're born in the 90s or just before that everyone's a fucking Man United I was a Man United fan up until I was fucking like 8 just because it was the shirt my grandad bought me

just because but you just started you switched just because they started getting beat up someone I switched because my whole community went we didn't do that round here

I switched because I was just well because I was like I'm going to support a fucking Scottish football team I support Scotland and then when I was in high school everyone supported Celtic or Rangers and I knew I didn't want to support either of those fucking teams

but everyone in school supported East Fife so I was like I'll fucking go for that and I'll go go to some of the fucking games and what not but that's not like a fucking you can't talk about that with everyone

you want somebody in the main sort of league so I went to Hebs and Hebs are Hebs are the fucking Tottenham of the North like they just caught like thank god

we won a fucking Scottish Cup a couple of years ago because we've choked ever fucking since and we choked for hundreds of years literally hundreds of years

fucking before so when I was about 13 or 14 I was just like I have I love the Premier League it's the greatest

league in the fucking world and I want I want a dog in the race I want I want something there

and it does feel a bit weird you know like as much as like Cullen supports Arsenal you support Chelsea

Gareth supports Arsenal like you've picked your Premier League club that you want to root for from an

early age, right? I think it was called, it was like, my brother supports Real Madrid and I'm like, you can't do that. That's not... You can't do that.

I'll support Brazil. It's like, when somebody does that on FIFA, you're like, there, shuffle the game. So I was like, I support an English team,

so I typed in me the fucking, like, where I was born, which is Kingston-upon-Thames and I was like,'ve got to support an English team so I typed in me the fucking where I was born which is Kingston upon Thames and I was like I'll try and be as honest as I can here

if I'm going to support an English club I'll support one that's like close to sort of home so I could have done Newcastle

because my cousins are from Newcastle and closest Premier League club the way you live yeah yeah yeah and you're more than welcome if we get took over by the way

to come to games and enjoy good football I because man I I always like I root for you live and you're more than welcome if we get took over by the way to come to games and enjoy good football I because man I always like I root for Newcastle

yeah you've got no animosity towards them you actually lean towards them being your second team

in fact it's one of the very few football teams that like when bad things happen to them

I do feel genuine sadness because I'm like oh man I don't want fucking

Kai to be miserable I don't want Gav to be miserable it's nice that Khan's sad but like there's other people but there's

there's so many other people when I just want this fucking team to do well it must be so funny for you going into tomorrow that like I celebrated for Chelsea with you

at the Champions League final and you're just sat there going this isn't a reciprocal deal. No, no, no. I understand. I get it. The best I can, and it's the same with fucking Matty, the best I can offer you is ambivalence, right?

The best I can do is... You've done well with it, yeah. Yeah, which is, well, man, because I know what I've been like, and I don't like arguing with friends, but it's so easy to argue with fucking friends. And man, we're in a fucking, we're still in the middle of this fucking high intensity fucking two years where we've in a fucking we're still in the middle of this fucking high intensity fucking two years where we've been fucking isolated so much

and text is never the same as normal fucking conversation I don't want to lose friends in a fucking WhatsApp group over something just as fucking I know football's passionate

but it is a fucking trivial thing something that you've said that you know that if you said in person it would be accepted as it was meant to be taken

but because somebody's there ruminating over and measuring a response because you can read it over and over and over again and the laugh emoji looks sarcastic rather than an actual

genuine laugh and I've also I've seen the mistranslations like when fucking like being both sides like when you and Colin were getting tense with each other

and like he's like he said it like this and I'm like he didn't say it like that you've chosen to take him saying that way and the same way that you were

he said this and he meant this and I'm like man I've been around both of you and neither of you actually can it's constant fucking

mistranslation in this thing Matty and I'll fucking absolute fair play to him an Arsenal fan a fucking sworn enemy

had me in his fucking house right watched Chelsea win the fucking Champions League with me and I know or at least I like to believe that had Chelsea fucking lost,

he obviously would have been fucking happy. He wouldn't have fucking rubbed it in my face. Well, he would have been like, his bets would have come in. So I'm like, man, and that's what Matty offered me, right? Which was ambivalent. I'm like, that I can do.

That I can do is, I'm not going to watch the fucking final. Me and Claire are going to watch something and the fucking other one, we're going to catch up on fucking Loki and we're just going to fucking distance ourselves from it. Thank God I'm off social media because my friends that are still, Scottish friends that are still on social media are getting so fucking wound up all the time because it's the worst people then. And you're just getting the worst fucking opinions, the worst of the fans in your face constantly. And it's just a fire

in your fucking heart that it continues to... And I get that, man. I used to just go on social media to stoke the hate in my own heart. To just go, I'm going to follow Piers Morgan. I'm going to read everything this fucking cunt says because nothing makes me feel more alive

than wishing somebody else was fucking dead. Right? I'm just... Whereas now, I'm just like, it's not worth the fucking arguments. I don't want to lose fucking friendships over fucking this. I'm going to remove myself

from the fucking situation. Or, just to finish me earlier, I thought there, when I googled what team I was going to support based on my fucking postcode in London, the closest one was Fulham

and I was like, nah. Lovely stadium. It's not very loud. They'll sit there eating their cucumber sandwiches. Aye. But I was

also like Craven Cottage is I don't know how many people have read Game of Thrones but Craven is coward

yeah was that not at the door by the way don't know come in hello mate you're on my podcast hello

you know what's happening and you're on clearance yes let them in perfect thank you yeah chat with me thank you wait clearance like doors Hear what's happening? And you're on clearance? Yes, let them in. Perfect, thank you. Yeah, chat with you there. Thank you. Wait, clearance?

Like doors. Is that doors? I thought doors were half a 60 though. Did you mean to start the show? What time does the show start? 7.30. Are we sure? Let's check.

Let's check. Fucking, and we're going to leave this in just so people understand the level of professionalism we work out here. I'm not even wearing jeans. Oh my God, is it a fucking... Is it a seven o'clock show? I don't know.

Fucking hell. Hold on, I'll put some jeans on. Keep the podcast rolling. This is quick, what are you... This is, no,

this is unprofessional to the fucking fucking degree. Well, Lena listens to this, you know. That's not going to fill her

with fucking confidence because erm she er no oh right yeah it's at 7.30 yeah 7pm doors

do they not right it is 7pm doors that's what it says well there we go and I got changed for the show while on the podcast

oh boy Jesus fucking Christ what a oh right right so what's in our spirit um well at least I've had a fucking costume change fucking Taylor Swift on here Jesus fucking Christ. What a... Oh, right, right. So it wasn't us being idiots.

Well, at least I've had a fucking costume change. Fucking Taylor Swift on here. Invincible. Yes. What a fucking show, man. Like, let's... Without spoilers. No, no.

As best as we can can I just want to say everything about it is perfect right the art is perfect the dialogue and the script writing is perfect

the execution of the dialogue perfect right the casting is fucking incredible yeah just just quite lately

if you don't know what it is I've never spoken about it before it's Robert Kirkman's comic book Invincible that's been turned into a cartoon on Amazon Prime and it is just more

yeah it's like the nearest thing to it is perhaps The Boys yes aye like if you enjoyed

The Boys where it's a superhero movie that's not for kids and there's a dark side of it and it gets grimy and it's like

fucking real gritty it's not a movie it's a TV series yeah sorry I do that all the time moving pictures they're all the

same to me so yeah the casting incredible right yeah it's the A-list cast one thing I

keep doing and it's not the way to watch something is I keep pausing it because Amazon's got this awesome

fucking x-ray thing where it'll tell you who's who yeah something. It's like you're pausing it because Amazon's got this awesome fucking x-ray thing where it'll tell you who's who. Yeah, you pause any scene while you're watching Amazon fucking Prime and it'll tell you

what actor's playing who so you know that thing we all fucking do. Which I miss, by the way, because I used to be, or at least I still am, a human IMDB,

which is, we'll watch a movie together and you'll go, who's that? And I'll be like, it was this and this, it was this and this, it was this and this. Yeah this and this it was this and this

yeah so when Cecil was on I was like who's Walton Goggins and now you're like clicking the air going he's in what's it called again I know what I'm talking about

Hateful Eight he's in fucking Deadwood even though I haven't watched it yeah so J.K. Simmons is in it is it Stephen Yeun

was the name you were looking for that's the one I was looking for Stephen Yeun who plays Sandra Oh Sandra Oh from Killing Eve Seth Rogen Seth Rogen Is it Stephen Young? Was the name you were looking for? That's the one I was looking for. Stephen Young. Sandra Oh. Sandra Oh from Killing Eve.

Seth Rogen. Seth Rogen. Marashala Ali. Yep. The Next Blade. What casting that is. I absolutely meant. So the casting of this cartoon is fucking incredible, right? It fucking shows you that you've got budget

and people want to invest themselves in it right like it's a fucking big deal and then the soundtrack is banger after banger

even like there's more like emotional under like like a bed of music underneath something that's a bit more like downcast I always class

like I want a Spotify playlist of everything on there there's a few like Run the Jewels tracks and everything like the action scenes I've always got like fucking banging hip Spotify playlist of everything on there there's a few like Run the Jewels tracks and everything like the action scenes I've always got like

fucking banging hip hop on with them and I started getting to the point where like I was looking at the costume design and I was like fucking

as if like as if it's not just the art that I've already covered by saying the art's good I'm like the costume's fucking amazing and it

the cinematography's class like the bit like this isn't a spoiler. Like, you punch the hole in the wall, and then it'll zoom into the hole, and, like, he'll just appear through the hole in the wall that he punched. Like, just a, like, wicked cinematography. That is, again, just, I've already covered it. I said the art's good.

So all that's meant. And then the shock factor on it. Like, I consider now that I'm difficult to shock aye unless it's the last Mission Impossible movie oh come on come on oh man

for anyone that's not I am difficult to shock but for those that don't know maybe I'm easy to shock for those that don't know the story okay maybe I'm easy to shock okay maybe I'm easy to shock for those that don't know

the story about two or three years ago me, Kai and Cullen like after a fucking gig we've gotten back to our house in Edinburgh and we're getting baked and we're watching

a bit of the weed vape going on watch Fallout Mission Impossible Mission Impossible which is one of the best great fucking film

and if you want any spoilers turn it off for the next minute but I mean who gives a shit it's a fucking Mission Impossible which is one of the better great fucking film and if you want any spoilers turn it off for the next minute but I mean who gives a shit it's a fucking Mission Impossible movie it's just a scene at the end

where he's got to try and find like a detonation thing he's got to find the detonation fucking trigger and we're all just watching it in silence

just through our fucking weed glazed eyes just enjoying all the action and the bad guy falls down and the trigger goes to go off the side of a mountain it's getting us towards the edge and the bad guy falls down and the trigger goes to go off the side of a mountain

skid us towards the edge of the mountain and with 100% sincerity beside me and Cullen Kai just goes and he sucked

so much air out of the room that my ears popped Cullen got a fucking nosebleed like the atmosphere fucking chased

like it was just such a it was a mum watching a fucking horror it was the most pearl clutchy I have ever

heard in my entire life so like I said it takes like a fucking high budget action takes one of the

biggest stilettos of a generation to really take my breath away you know what I mean and this cartoon had that in spades the with if you I

mean you should all watch fucking invincible this isn't a spoiler but you're gonna say the train scene you are going to say say the train scene it is just one

of the I know this isn't a spoiler because you said it to me and I was like what can happen on a train

what that I haven't seen before with Spider-Man something like that he saves the train from going over the side it could be like

the taking of Pelham 123 I've seen it all I've watched every episode of Tom's the Tank Engine there's nothing with a train

that could shock me I've seen it all at one point he was involved in a cave-in and thankfully Gordon turned up and dragged all the rocks away I've been tense during trains before there's nothing else there's people who survived Auschwitz that are fucking shocked by the train scene

oh it's just oh it's I remember I remember exactly what it was and I've read the comic books as well and I don't know if that was in it but if it was in it it's very rare that they step it up for television

man that scene is the reason why it wasn't a live action that agonised over that and censorship that really got a lot of bodies on that to push that really got fucking a lot of bodies on that to push it through

oh god it's a game changer I've ever seen aye it's so so and it comes out like a really pivotal moment as well

in the fucking season where like the whole tone of it changes and you sort of finally understand what it's all about I just I just highly recommend

it it's fucking class aye can't even watch that you can stay in and watch it it's on Amazon you can't watch that you can stay in and watch it it's on Amazon you can't watch it

on your lawn probably not connected to the wifi just use your data let's fucking because we are on stage we've got a show

so we'll deal with that joke and wrap it up you've got stuff to plug as well do I well we're back on tour innit

oh right so let's fucking google Daniel Sloss. That's who I am. Oh, hold on. Daniel Sloss net worth. Fucking let's find out what net worth is.

What do you reckon my net worth is? What, after COVID? Well, according to this. Is there a minus figure, maybe? You didn't get any grant, did you? What are you worth? Two million! Are you worth two million are you worth

two mil what is that if you sell everything I don't know how much is Daniel Sloss worth

Daniel Sloss net worth Daniel Sloss is a Scottish comedian actor and writer alright well comedian

the other things are debatable net worth two million wow fucking don't do Cara

don't do Cara oh my god right I'm gonna have to show you this so you know when it comes

up people also search for this is horrendous this is awful no Josie Sloss is the top

one look here it's a picture of Josie Sloss is the top one look who it's a picture of Josie Long it says people also search for Josie Sloss and it's a picture of Josie Long

and then the other one is Daniel Sloss Cara and with Cara spelled wrong spelled K-A-I weirdly who's fucking I don't know

apparently that's Cara Who is that? Cara? Is that not Cara? Who fucking knows Oh Jesus Sorry Amazing

That's not good publicity For Josie Longlegger Who are you? I'm Daniel Sloss's Dead disabled sister Come see me live on tour Jesus Christ like I'm gonna have to

I'm gonna have to get I'm gonna like me or Josie Long needs to get in contact with Google and go don't do that that's not

that's not on let's find out where our fucking live shows are there I am Milton Keynes two shows July

on Tuesday then a lot of the London shows I sold out were there from the 14th to the 18th at the Clapham Grand at the Clapham Grand there are tickets to some

shows still available some were sold out so just fucking go on my website and I'll tell you which one's which Norwich Halifax Barnard Castle

and then the Edinburgh Festival is back baby but three days at the Corn Exchange oh no I'm doing three weeks now are you? aye

wow oh sorry we're doing three weeks is that right? but can I have a plan in August? no no you don't no I've got people

coming up they can still come up aye here we fucking go your dad calls worms nature's spaghetti that's nice I like it little catch on your dad calls worms nature's spaghetti that's nice I like it

little catch on your dad has four dicks one for sorrow one for joy one for a girl one for a boy your dad's fake tan is so bad

he got fired for cultural appropriation your dad claims in the dishwasher when it's active to help with the washing up your dad can tell what postcode a woman grew up in

by the taste of her breast milk. It's because of the tap water. The tap water, that's the key. It's nice and clean, it's from Scotland. Your dad got motion sickness and spewed it when I gave him a bumpy tractor ride on me knee. Just did that

fucking Cullen spew just down his front. I just had a twirl down his chin your dad made his own fleshlight by filling a smarty stube with sand feels just like Linda

no Linda no when your dad was in prison, he put a snooker ball in his sock and used it to work a nut out of his cellmate's back. Your dad stands outside the dentist

yelling at women to not get abortions. You're taking a life! I've got a root canal! What's like this is... Sir, do you know where you are? You're a murderer. Got your baby teeth removed. Your milk teeth.

Your dad loves it when your mom buys condoms because she lets him play with a box. He just gets inside of it like a cat if I fix I sit like a drum drum now

William Ash shagging that was a podcast aye see you later now I'm going to get on stage