Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.29 Tuck Shop

Episode Date: July 21, 2021

Muggins and Cream struggle with aspects of being on the road they were previously adept at before delving into some questions left over from the recent Patreon bonus episode and a couple of their own, one of which is promised to bring controversy to your social circle.

Hello listeners, here is a new episode for you where me and Daniel talk about stop doing background farting. That's how he started the podcast as well. He'll start the podcast with a fart and he did one an hour later in the intro. Oh, he's doing it with his mouth. He's faking farting. Remember when I was at Marbella and there was that girl that was posing doing Instagram poses on the poolside? And she bent down to pick up a phone or something and I made a fart noise and she hated us.

I think she put a hex on us. And just looking at us like, joining in on the intro? He's trying to say he's not in the room. Right, look, I'm alone.

I'm alone in the room. We do a podcast when we're drunk. Stop it, man. Look, we're drunk. Why? He's making it look like I'm farting? He's making it look like I'm farting. He's making it look like I'm farting and then blaming somebody that isn't here.

Which would be pretty cool. Like, you know, if I was on my own and I was just farting and I was just riffing like this. This is one of my greatest bits. Excuse me. Squeaky floorboard. Look, trust me. We're not this drunk on the podcast. It's just that we started drinking a lot during it. We'll talk about being back on tour.

We'll talk about the gigs, being on the road again. We'll actually cover a little bit about the drama of the football last week. And we answer a few more questions that were posed by the patrons for the... Stop making a noise man! I'm doing an intro! The questions that were presented to us by the patrons for the bonus episode.

We didn't get to do them all because there's so many. Thank you for those. We've done a couple more of them on the pod as well. And some dad jokes at the end. Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins well and some dad jokes at the end. moguls accidental rim job in the park kiss kiss kiss or a magic bean cynical just muggled it up on fucking mugglepedia where have you been since 9-11 em

are you hot I am hot it's really sweaty isn't it oh Danny that's not how we're starting the podcast but I'm hot

and you know when like fucking cakes rise you get like little bubbles that fucking but it's that like it's the same thing that's happening to me

it's not I can't be held responsible when things are hot things expand and that includes the air in my your bubble all up inside mhm

why didn't I come why did I thought heat rises I thought I'd try to come out your mouth I've got a real strong throat game you just shut that shit down I felt it come up

and then and then kind of just choked it back down from there all the way down my it come up and then and then kind of just choked it back down from there all the way down my esophagus and then like the fucking what do

people say it's like fucking 47 miles of intestines you've got or something is that right I mean that was an exaggeration

for a comedic effect but it's so you closed the apoglottis and come out that way and had to double back

right all the way back it was like fucking you know when you used to play snake and it had to double back on

itself and it took anyway when you were really long and even at the bottom you still have to go and then you'd be looping around the back and then like fucking you know when you used to play snake and it had to double back on itself and it took anyway when you were really long and even at the bottom you still have to go and then you'd be

looping around the back and then like a bit of like bonus fruit appears or whatever what was the bonus thing that appeared on snake

was it meant to be fruit yeah it was meant to be fruit hold on was it you that was in some sort of

snake competition or texting competition I got the final I was meant to get in Arizona for what I went into to get in Arizona for what I went into phones for you

you know what I think I've listened to this fairly recently on one of our flashback episodes but it was so long ago we could

revisit this so basically you get a gun into phones for you I think it was and show them your high score

on snake and then you get a letter in the post if you are invited to go out to the final to compete live like oh that's Snake for you

that's going to be the saddest trip in the world mate I couldn't go I couldn't go no no I just mean to the phones for you store

to like get on the fucking bus I was already at the shops I went I went Danny think about it I was already at the shops I was like

yeah I mean even then the shops I was like yeah I mean even then the walk to walk up there I'd be like there's a very good chance they're just going to go 650 you fucking mad I was busy doing

a big clothes shop and I was like yeah Sean hold me back I've got some business to attend to quickly popping the phones for you and showed them

your high score fucking by the time I got home there was a letter you're the best snake I've ever seen you need to come to Arizona and play snake

against a bunch of from Brian Nokia Which is me and a bunch of Japanese kids Just sat in Arizona sweating my back So anyway Turns out that I cheated Did you? You can just pause it every time you're playing

It took us fucking ages man I completed Snake I think that was only true Because I remember hearing about that But you can't do that On the Nokia 3330 I think that was only true because I remember hearing about that tactic. But you can't do that on the Nokia 3330. And the Nokia 3330 was like... The 3310 was what everyone fucking had.

It might have been the 5110 or it might have been the 3110. I can't remember now. I think I said it was the 33 or something on the original podcast that was spoke about it. Aye. But the memory of the memory is flaky new. Aye. But aye. So basically, you played it for a bit, but what you do

is you zigzag up and down from left to right, or right to left, right? But you always leave a gap along the top and the bottom to loop around. Aye. So that you can run the back again and chase your tail. And eventually it closes the gap of where stuff can appear. So you get the bit on the way, but then continue your route. But I just kept pausing it and playing it closes the gap of where stuff can appear so you get the bit on the way but then you continue your route

but I just kept pausing it and playing it Is this like the time that with 100% sincerity during lockdown you told me that you reckoned you were one of the best in the world at beat save? I've got fucking class at beat save on me You got any idea? I've been reselling the zone on beat save

Aye, and I'm sure you did but you were genuinely, the way you were speaking to me was as if like like I could I could compete at the fucking Tokyo games for it do you want to ask something uh huh

so when I'm in the headset and I'm on the top setting on beat say about and like it's almost like my limbs different now what the thing it's just fucking hitting these beats

and that's where they're gonna be because what I did right I didn't get reactive I learned the path I learned the path of where the beats were gonna be where they're going to be because what I did right I didn't get reactive I learned the path I learned the path of where the beats were going to be and how to get to them right and I'm fucking smooshing away right

and I feel like a fucking Jedi when I'm in there and then I tell you that and you took the piss with us and that right so I set up a fucking camera and recorded myself I tell you what

when I look back at it I just went I'm deleting that it looked a lot less gracious than what it felt like in the headset but that is the thing Tell you what, when I look back at it, I just went, I'm deleting that. It looked a lot less gracious than what it felt like in the headset. But that is the thing about fucking VR. You know the game's super hot, right? And that's the one where every time you move, that's when time moves.

But if you stay perfectly still, time's frozen. So you get to duck out of the way of bullets like Agent Smith? Ah, it's probably like Matrix fucking shit. Like that always, you feel like a fucking ninja. And then when you watch your friends play it, they're just doing like half of a squat and then like a very poor child's roly-poly. And you're just like, oh, is that what I fucking look like? That was so cool when those bullets wasn't passed.

But just in your room, there's just a cold, dark reality, isn't it? And isn't that so true for reality as well we think we look way cooler than we actually fucking are

oh is they I live my life off and think I'm cool as fuck and then just see myself on like a video and go oh no

I think that's what being old is is like you just fucking get to a point where you just remember all the yous that you fucking went through so you just don't put up with anyone's shit because everyone's just like a fucking version of you or a friend that you had like 30 40 fucking 50 years ago and you're

just like like it's all fake this is all fucking fake i missed the swagger i had when i was younger i missed the swagger i had two years ago you know when you see like uh like adam raw being like super confident and all that swagger I had when I was younger. I miss the swagger I had two years ago. You know when you see like Adam Rowe being super confident and all that. Like fucking, like he's just Billy walking through life. I often look at his crack and go, I used to have that. I used to have that air.

But I also think I think your fucking priorities change a bit. I was talking to Brad about this today over lunch and it was just like, there's a point in your career or your life, right, where your work is your fucking, or something is your focus. Normally it's like your work, right?

You're like, I want to be the best at this. I want to do this as good as possible. And then you do that for a couple of years, and then you realise that, like, it's just, there's no end to it. There's just achievement after achievement after achievement or whatever, and you're just never going to be fucking satisfied to it. There's just achievement after achievement after achievement or whatever. And you're just never going to be fucking satisfied with it.

You're just insatiable. Yeah. And then you just suddenly realise, man, like, I've got, you know, you've got a good thing going on. Like, you're like, and you're like, man, I've had a good fucking life. I don't need to fucking, like, I can have other priorities now. But then what happens, especially for me, is like, I can feel the 24 year old in my head being like you fucking coward let's try for more

aye aye we had drive aye but then again like it's a man I'm not gonna listen to fucking any 24 like the 24 year old me that's like fucking

focus you gotta do all this fucking shit I'm like man like it was easy when you were like that fucking age but now I've just got

different priorities I get happiness from many other things like there was a point when stand up was not like my only habit, it was like my main... It exhilarated you? Yeah, constantly.

And then, I mean, it still does, but it's gotten to the point now where there's definitely other bits in my life where I'm just like, oh, I don't know if I'll sacrifice as much of my time in the pursuit of this. Or maybe that's just... Do you think maybe it's because we've come out of lockdown and um we've got like so comfortable in my homes because i've i've i mean how long have i been on the road now like 10 days is that it i think i might be oh hold on we'll come away this is a this is a dodgy one because you went home for a bit in between but I've stayed out

since I saw you so you left during the football because all gigs were off during the football so you popped back home

I've still been on the road since then aye but I never got homesick because I was just taking my London flat or whatever

aye like it never felt it never really even though it was my home it's where I lived it'sick because I was just, like, in my London flat or whatever. Aye. Like, it never felt... It never really... Even though it was my home, it's where I lived, it's where my wife was. Aye. It never felt like... Like, it was not home comfort. It's like, well, I've got no...

I've probably spoiled myself by building a house. Aye. Like, yeah. I mean... I mean, London's fucking great, but already... Let's just do the complaints from this room alone let's whinge off the top right

we're in a little flat we're in a little flat which is fine and it's obviously very expensive because it's fucking London so just the house prices and even the rent prices but it's probably cheaper

than hotels would have been if we got two rooms for a week aye but I tell you what a fucking hotel would have had aircon there's not a hotel

like well there is in Australia but there's not any many fucking hotels that do not have fucking aircon there's no hotel like well there is in australia but there's not a any many fucking hotels that do not have fucking aircon in it but when you get to big cities and i noticed this a lot in australia as well which is they just they just so many houses just don't have aircon yeah because they're just like because they're used to the temperature like they can sleep in the fucking heat or whatever but man you need i find it impossible to sleep in heat like i would much

rather you play i can sleep through loud music so i'm gonna edit it out of the podcast because you don't need to hear this right but there's a flat in this block that's left the receiver off the hook from the not the phone but the intercom for the buzzer downstairs if you leave your intercom off the hook it'll just start like an incessant ring just to tell you to put it back on the hook. But there's clearly no one living there. And also in such a London fucking fashion, it's just like, yeah, there's noises. Like night time's fucking noisy and someone else's fucking problem. I've done that where I was kind of just not guided meditation, but just closing my eyes and started like taking in new sensations.

You still doing ASMRs? I haven't done it in ages. I think I need to though I think I'm missing it let's get back to that in a second but I was in London

when I lived there sat on the balcony closed my eyes and I tried to pick up all of the different noises have you ever done that when you listen to music and you try to listen

for all the different instruments or whatever layered on top of each other and there's like so much there but you just hear it as one thing when you're just

passively listening to it with a periphery of your ears but if you focus on it you can thing when you're just passively listening to it with a periphery of your ears. But if you focus on it, you can find all these different bits in it. I started doing that with the ambient noise in London and I've counted about 15 different things that were making noise.

Aye, and it's just all grand. Aye, and so I come to terms with that again. What under-seasoned? Absolutely. I keep letting my battery run out of charge on stuff. I keep losing things. I used to be classic travelling. I don't think that's true, mate.

I've travelled with you for 10 years and we both know that we always come back with a fucking suitcase that's 5 kilograms lighter than when we leave. That's true, but you know what didn't happen? I never got flustered once. I get flustered about that shit now because I've been so used

I've been so used to my routine at home my routine's been shattered like I've fucking you clutch onto it like a comfort blanket you've got your things that like

whereas I didn't have that thing to clutch onto you'd lose so now I'm not I wouldn't give a fuck if I just didn't have enough pairs of spare boxes

I'd just go out to the shop and I'm like oh now I'm gonna run out enough pairs of spare boxes I just got out of the shop and I'm like oh no I'm gonna run out by tomorrow or I just pop to the shop no no now when I forget

fucking if I forget anything on tour I blame Cara instantly right because we both got me way because we both got qualities

Cara is phenomenal with dates Cara can tell you the fucking date of any fucking date we did anything like you ask her what happened a couple

of weeks ago she'll be able to tell you to the fucking date what is that because of a memory or does her, what happened a couple of weeks ago she'll be able to tell you to the fucking day one Is that because of her memory or does she know what photos to look for or does she like the Yeah, she's able to do it through fucking photos but she's also got a fairly fucking decent memory

and that's what she's good at and I'm good at fucking, you know, dealing with spiders and facts and statistics that I've pulled out of me fucking arse and whatnot but like and she knows my fucking weak points and facts and statistics that I've pulled out of me. Fucking arse and whatnot. So, but like, and she knows my fucking weak point. So when I'm leaving, she's always good.

She's like, you don't need a jacket today. And I'm like, fucking... Oh, she saved our bacon the other day. So we're both trying to leave the house in jeans, jacket, fucking sweater or whatever. Backpack on my back. And she was like Yes I kind of hate that Yeah

And then I can cross my mind And you go Oh yeah fuck So she's dead Go do that stuff So there was one time One fucking tour left Right

And I packed This is for seven days Three pairs of jeans Eight shirts Three hoodies Two pairs of shoes And no underwear And no socks

and I just messaged her once I realised and I was like how could you let me leave the house like this does she even play any part in you leaving the house like that no but she does

because she's got different packing rules that I do man I pack the morning off oh yeah like five minutes before I do leave that blows her mind

but I used to be mint at that that's what I think yeah I used to be mint at that, that's what I think. Yeah. I used to fucking like be on point with being a last minute leaver. Aye, I was just fucking used to it

but she was like, you should do it the night before and I'm like, no, no, morning off, like it gives you an extra, for me, back is something

that you have to do and I hate fucking waking up so if I wake up for something I have to do, I'll wake up earlier and then my airport experience is probably going to be a little bit easier because I'm less fucking

like just on the edge of sleepness so I'll wake up and I'll pack and most of the time she'll go and because she knows I'm an idiot and she knows I'm forgetful and she goes have you got this have you got this have you got this and then she fucking didn't and look what happened. That's because you lean

on it too much. I know but at this point she's got to be there to lean on it. I'll know, but at this point, she's got to be there to lean on. I put a ring on the finger, mate. She's got to be there to lean on. That's the fucking deal, isn't it? I mean, you haven't made vows yet, but it's definitely foreshadowing. I'm there to get rid of beasties.

One day I was like, I'm not getting rid of a spider. You've let her down. I've devalued myself. That was one of the things. You've broke your psychological contract. Oh, if I can speak it off. Right. So, you know, Big Fat Ray, our cat. Yes.

Right. So for anyone that doesn't know the history of Ray, she was a breeding cat for like 10 years and was locked in one room in a house. This isn't when we owned her, obviously. I'm not bragging about that. Being like, we're near Barsie Dogs and Cats Home and can I just say, fuck you.

She was just breeding cats for 10 years. They'd just bring another cat to have sex with her. She'd be pregnant and eating fucking biscuits and then she'd give birth and then once they were... Children were getting taken away. Aye. There's a lot of psychological damage to a cat. Aye.

So my parents rescued her from that situation, right? And she came back and she was very bad with the other cat we had in the house. And she also would only eat biscuits. Like you fucking put tuna in front of her nose and she wouldn't do anything. And then me and Cara got her at the start of lockdown. And Cara gets very sad because like old cats aren't meant to like play too much. Like, cause they, they, they, they, in the same way that you play when you're young and when you're older, you walk. You'll pull a muscle if you try and run like you are a kitten.

Aye. Whereas Ray, she's still got that instinct in her and Kara's just, she's just like, it's because she never had a childhood. She's living her childhood. And I'm like, I think she's just a cat that enjoys playing. Anyway, she's fat. She can't chase things.

Like, she goes around the garden. She pretends to chase things in front of us. Is she fat or is she all a big ball of hair? If you shaved her, would she be fat? Yes, aye. And she's also got, because she had so many fucking kids, she's got like a big fucking, like, she's got a big pregnancy belly. Yeah.

When my parents first got her, she had no fur on the bottom of her belly because it would drag along the floor whenever she walked. Oh, wow. So we've obviously got it well beyond that point. Every time we go to the vet, they're like, she's still a little bit overweight. And we're like, aye. And, like, some're like she's still a little bit overweight and we're like aye

and like some days we're strict to her and then some days we're not because like she's old and dying and at this point it's like have your phone

aye but not to the point where it's bad for her bones or anything so we you're not like chasing her around the room with a laser pointer

no she doesn't want to get her eyes out she carotidates me today devastated because Ray got her first

confirmed kill oh what did she destroy Cullen Cullen Cullen she came up she killed Cullen aye with it

how did she do it just snapped sat on his face aye he was going down on her and he just forgot to breathe here's the most devastating

bit that Cara's having a hard time with. What was the kill? Let's see. That's like a shrew or a mouse. But it's a mouse. But it's also very clearly a baby mouse. That's not an adult mouse. Is it not?

Man, look at the size of the head. That's like when Disney make animals cute. They make the head bigger, the ears bigger, the eyes cute. I see what you're saying. But it's got fur. It's not like... got fur it's not like no it's not Brant man

that's uh look at that that's an infant mouse right so Ray's that mouse has just got its

packed lunch and it's on its way to school you know what I mean like but Ray's coming back in

like I've dealt with the problem you're like the kids were never the problem that's like me complaining about the fucking neighbor right and then sending you around being like, the kids were never the problem. That's like me complaining about the fucking neighbour, right?

And then sending you a rap being like, look, the neighbour, he plays music too loud sometimes. And then his wife. And then his guy runs one of their kids on the swing and I just fucking push them all at the top until the chain wraps around the frame five times. And you're like. Smash that teeth off. I'm like, I dealt with the neighbours.

Oh my goodness. I'm the greatest bodyguard in the entire world dealt with a fucking threat no you murdered a child it's a real

sound like fucking BJ Penn licking the blood off his gloves but it's just the tears of a baby

dead mouse that was just this thing wasn't running away she probably picked it up from a fucking nest

I don't know what mouse is living. Aye, a tree. Yeah, is it a tree? Aye, Daniel makes the lay eggs in nests of trees. Oh, did he? Did he? You know, I've been shit on by a mouse.

You've never lived. I stopped eating getting shit on by a bird of the day. Aye. Sound move, that. Aye, it was. Yeah. Because. You did make me look up move there. Aye, it was. Yeah. Cause. You did make me look up first.

Yeah, I didn't. You basically, we're at the door for the gig at the Grand, and you hit the buzzer, and you're waiting for a response, and I look up, right,

and there's a fucking pigeon on the barbed wire, it's just stood balanced on the barbed wire, and I watched its arsehole open. And I looked at you, and I looked at you and I said step back mate, you're about to get shat on and you step back and the shat just hit the deck and I did. Sound move that if those were the people there I wouldn't have said that

I would have just said that and watched this I mean a real friend would have dived in front of it and taken the hit but I mean I guess over the top of you I took a wee bit of parkour like a frosby flop over the top of you? Aye. Do a wee bit of parkour. Like a Frosby flop over the top of you. Frosby flop, catch it in the mouth.

Spit it back up right at the pigeon's eye. Right back up its arsehole. Some people are into that. I guarantee you. Somebody out there has wanked to somebody spitting shit back up a pigeon's eyes. Aye, probably. Aye. I bet there's at least three shit back up a pigeon's eyes. Probably. I bet there's at least three results for that

on any porn channel. You just need Google back anymore. People are sick. What did you do that was sound to me not so long back? There was something you'd done to me and I was just like you could have had me there. Or it's

was it your schnooze? You know's... Was it your schnooze? You know how you've got like... Oh, yeah. You've got your schnooze. So I've got nicotine pouches that stick in my mouth like a dirty Scandinavian. And you've got the fresh ones that are just in a wee tub. And then if you're not near a bin when you take one of them out,

there's like a little thing on top where you can just put your used ones in there. It's like a disposal bit, isn't it? Aye. I didn't know this rule and I just popped the top up and all right and he was about to put one of them in his birth and i was like mate that's how we got covered the first time so i fell for it before let's not do it again um so you know about um the traveling we're not as good as travelling as we used to or like

I'm speaking for myself here I feel like with stand up as well and I know there's a couple of variables right like the audiences are socially distanced and it's a bit hot and all that I don't feel like I'm as good as I was and there's a handful of bits about getting back to work and I don't know if this is relatable

in other people's lanes of work as well but I feel like the travelling aspect the actual stand-up is a bit wordy I'm sure there's more punchlines in there I feel like the rating

could be updated and I'm coming back into the world not as good as I was just in every aspect of it and it's hard even though like

it's understandable and it's like somebody will put your arm on your shoulder and go nah you've been locked in for ages it's really demoralising

at times I mean I've had the same thing like the past couple of the fucking shows I've just come off and be like I'm at the point now where I just don't like

this show anymore and it's not because the audiences have been bad they've just been fucking honest like I mean yes you can have bigger fucking rooms with more people in it

but aye but they might just laugh at everything because the atmosphere is grand. Exactly. But you actually get phoned out if the room's a little bit more difficult. Aye. In the difficult rooms where you fucking poke holes in your arm.

Aye, and that's when it's fucking half-filled due to fucking COVID reasons. And it's hot. It's fucking sweaty. And everyone's just a bit fucking tired. So, yeah, man, I agree., over this weekend I've definitely found the fucking weak holes in my show but then also just at the point where I'm just like, I mean obviously we'll work on this because

I can't fucking tour it for another six months without I can't just fucking go and be like, I'm sorry it's just what it is you put the fucking work into the show but it fucking kicks the shit out of you when you just get up and be like, oh man just this, what it is, what it is. Like you put the fucking work into the show, but it fucking kicks the shit out of you when you just get up and be like,

oh man, maybe this isn't the fucking best stand-up I've written in my life. Like some of it is. And people have been lovely. When we've met people, they've been like fucking really complimentary backstage,

like after the gig. But they don't fucking know. They don't know what your standard is for yourself. And I'm just not psychologically ready to be past my best. I had to deal with that on an athletic level. I'm 38 right? I had to deal

with it on an athletic level when I couldn't make the same runs I used to make in football. My times in runs are current bests not personal bests and I've psychologically dealt with my athleticism slipping but you know when it comes to your mind your craft, your

Aye, you do, aye I'm not ready to let go of. Well because also it shouldn't be something, like with your body that fucking, you know, deteriorates over time, like you do have a fucking peak time in your life when you're going to be your most fucking athletic

but I feel like with jobs especially, well fucking any jobs that are skill based or talent based or whatever you just consistently get better at those things

like you know the best doctors in the world they're not the 30 year olds they're not the ones in their 20s

don't get me wrong those doctors are fucking great but they're nowhere near as good as the fucking 65 year olds like yes you're maybe might not be able to do surgery but i'm pretty sure there's plenty of them like out there you're just meant to get fucking better and now obviously the other thing is you don't have to always be betting get we get be getting better like the climb to anything

doesn't have to be directly up that's true you can go through fucking peaks and troughs and you're allowed to get worse, not necessarily worse for a bit, but you're not allowed to fucking make progress and you've got to remind yourself, like, I might be on this fucking stump here, but it's still going up. But man, when you're in that fucking stump, you're like, is this the other side? Like, is this

the decline side of the fucking graph? Like, this can't be good. Like, I'm really hoping that if it goes down for a bit, fine, that's part of the journey. it's got to go start going up again and it's still got to surpass the other mountain that we just fucking came down from and you know what i you know what i'd really like to have as well i'd like to have like a kind of do-over and start again with open mic nights and just scramble up all your material from pre-covid and start building a new set but like you know going through the measures of like

getting it open make people appear too quick to get in they know what it is you can take your notes on stage but I've dived straight back in

to playing like big venues going on cold to warm up so I feel like I have to get in with stuff that I trust aye

I can't like I can't be bringing new material of a warm up spot but I'd love to just fucking climb the ladder again I'd love to like I can't be bringing new material of a warm up spot but I'd love to just fucking claim the ladder again

I'd love to like I'm trying in my head I've always been like I'll just you know look forward to the fucking next show but I'm trying to fucking

take myself back and go like man enjoy this one also the jokes are there like there are jokes there there was a point when all of this was fucking doing great

and also just because it's just because now it's it's not or at least I'm not feeling that it's that good it's like restarting a fire this is me going into a loan references now but like whenever their fires

go out they don't just go away and chop more fucking wood and start entirely separate fire you blow fucking air back into those embers and you try and get it going again and I think that's the thing, that's the important thing about fucking breaks when you're doing this fucking job is, man we've been doing double shows all weekend and the audiences have been great

but nothing makes a joke less funny than saying it an hour and a half later, like I wouldn't do that in fucking conversation imagine like you go to a fucking party right and you're in one room, you're in the kitchen you're filling up your drinks and you tell a joke and everyone

and it gets a laugh from everyone and then with sincerity 90 minutes later you're in the bedroom as if like I just tell the same fucking joke

you're missing people going are you fucking serious are you like a fucking little doll with a string in the back like you've only got

three fucking stories that's what fucking record man grander and when you tell jokes like the whole point of it is you're trying to make the audience

feel like this is the first time that you're telling this it's about the performance as well and it's easy to do that night to night because you've had

a different day you've had different things you've been doing like you had dinner fucking before you might have a drink on stage this time you might not you might be a little fucking baked like you've got the rest of the day to fucking break it up you've had different things you've been doing like you had dinner fucking before and you might have a drink on stage this time, you might not, you might be a little fucking baked, like you've got the rest of the day

to fucking break it up. You've cleansed your palate within a 24 hour period, you've had a sleep at least. Yeah, you've cleansed your fucking air and then you can go back and, don't get me wrong, that gets hard over a long period of time, but man two in a fucking day, like every comic that does it, respect it. And also none of you fucking cunts sitting there

being like, oh I do four or five gigs a night no no no you do four or five ten minute spots a night and that is nowhere near the same fucking thing you're talking directly to me here

I also the audacity of me to like call comics out as if any comics listen to this podcast like as if

we're the duo it's like it's just a favourite amongst like it's Bill Burr's Monday podcast a lot of comedians listen to this podcast like it's if we're the duo it's just a favourite amongst like it's Bill Burr's Monday podcast a lot of comedians listen to it just to get the fucking advice that's not us we're just listened to by fucking idiots I like idiots though did they have any questions?

they did because you know what thank you to everybody that wrote questions in for the Patreon bonus special we've done a video Tom Horton asked were the questions on your behalf the semantic belt isn't there

we hadn't looked at them we just let Tom pitch them to us so that we'd let them catch us off guard but I realised how many there was after the

I'm glad that was the case but I think it's always like embarrassing whenever you see somebody and I've been part of this before like when you

put out a question to your fans and you're expecting to be inundated like I'm going to have to select a few and then you get three and you're like oh alright okay I've been ashamed of my behaviour over the last five years

because we've got such a lovely following and they're so loyal and they're so nice when we meet them and all that right and I'm fucking really chuffed at the the following that we've pruned

right but we've actually made them shy away from interaction because of all of what attacking on mugglery people think to reach out to her

whether that be on social media whether that be on the Patreon we've like made them think like so many people get in touch with us with I don't care if I'm being a muggle

here to reach out to you but I just want to say this right and I hope people aren't I hope is this the correct double negative I hope people aren't

not reaching out to her in case they come across like muggles aye because the amount of fucking shit the tides went out on with us

that we've called on Muggle Corner aye and That we've called our muggle corner Aye That was just D Everyone's a fucking Muggle some of the time So erm But you slot especially

Especially Kai's gonna try and make you feel better And I'm just gonna make This is good cop bad cop And that's the tactic for the rest He's gonna be like Oh no you're fine Like we love it when people reach out

And I'm gonna be like We do love it when you reach out But you's going to be like we do love it when you reach out but you's are I've been engaged with me but you's are fucking muggles when you do it though and that's fine it's fine to be muggles

but you are fucking muggle though what's good is I'm in a spot where I have a manageable amount of engagement like people that reach out to me I can usually get back to them aye

I don't go into any DMs aye and I should because that's where I met David Schwimmer oh fuck aye you can't

but man like you go man when you win the game leave the table yeah fair enough like there's fair enough fucking aye

Matthew Perry's like I didn't even text back I still just aye I won't say that Instagram and this is such a fucking privileged complaint

Instagram do us a favour can I make there a separate DM box for people that are verified just because

I don't want to see what the people who really love me think and what they want to say I just want to know what celebrity friends I can have

I just want to be able to go this isn't one of the questions but if you could have any celebrity friend that was just like from a pali with you who would it be? you know how like David Kourios is just really pali

with Israel Adesanya the UFC fighter he clocked that they're just like good pals the pair of them I was like oh that's pretty cool who would you like to have I'll go for three I'll go I think No, it doesn't. They're just like fucking good pals, the pair of them. I was like, oh, that's pretty cool. Who would you like to have? I'll go for three. I'll go, I think.

Capaldi was a fun one. Capaldi's a great one. Seth Rogen would be great to know. Oh, class. Seth Rogen would be so good to know. Like, you just go round. Oh, yeah. Here's mine.

Fucking nothing but Ned. Andy Samberg. You nothing but Ned Andy Samberg aye you know if Andy Samberg just took a shane of his re-shoot of his and then just wanted to fucking bromance with us

aye that'd be great Andy Samberg would be right and you'd put him off by like really getting into the friendship and then writing a script about it

and he'd be like oh god this is the number one reason why I lose friends stuff taking an angle on us man I do hear that though you know when

especially with comedy like I ended up hanging out with Bridges quite a bit in 2014 in Melbourne because we're in the same hotel and the festival

and all that right and we're just like we're fucking we're strucken off because we're both like working class lads and I kept wanting to ask him

to do Punch Drunk and I kept wanting to ask him to do Set List but I'm like oh just different cross that lane, man. He's been your pal.

He gets that all his life. Just fucking... Just be a friend with him. Just let it be so, man. They haven't looked like you once, I'm a Gotham. Oh, I'd fucking love that if you come to Blythe.

Olivia Colman. Aye, Olivia Colman from... What did I... I've watched her in quite a bit. Peep Show, the Queen one with... So I saw her in Peep Show second. Everyone knew her from Peep Show. in quite a bit. Peep Show, the Queen one with... So I saw her in Peep Show second. Everyone knew her from Peep Show.

And Natalie loved her from Peep Show. But I saw her in some... What have I seen her in recently? Let me... Normally I'm very good at being a human IMDB. It's not... It's not Killing Eve, is it? I'm mistaking it for Fiona Shaw there.

Aye. I see. Everyone's screaming at the podcast now no they know what we are now aye they're used to it

aye they're still screaming though because we know what they are they're screaming at the podcast kind of guys so she's in

The Favourite that's not what I saw her in no I mean she's in loads she's had a fucking belt

in a couple of years it wasn't the crown I saw her in either the crown The saw her in either the crown the father Fleabag I saw her in Fleabag but I already knew her

from something when I watched Fleabag them that follow Watership Down Let's Dance Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends that might have been it

National Theatre Broadchurch of course she's in Broadchurch of course she's in Broadchurch you're skipping past stuff I'm skipping past more Thomas she's begging the Thomas the Tank Engine universe I didn't realise that

The Night Manager, Peep Show London Road, The Lobster these aren't in fucking order, The Secrets Mr Sloan, Rev, W1A Cuban Fury, This is Ginzy Jesus Christ what a career, Lock, Run The W1A, Cuban Fury, This is Gen Z. Jesus Christ, what a career. Lock, Run, The Suspicions, I'll Give It a Year, Bad Sugar. None of these ringing a bell?

Iron Lady, See Me. Maybe I was just watching a Twitter feed or something. I didn't know what it was then. She's in, I think she's got a bunch of new movies coming out because obviously she got the fucking Oscar for the favourite. So you want to be her pal? I think she'd be good, right? Because obviously she got the fucking Oscar for the favourite so you want to be her pal I think she'd be good right because obviously

like your standard one to go for is somebody that like you can go out and have a bromance with and like hang out and get drunk and just like talk

fucking shit and have like fun experiences but like I reckon Olivia Colman is still like dead down to earth like every time

you stayed in London she would insist that you stayed with her and like she'd make sure that she had time off and if she didn't she'd like leave

a wee fruit basket out for you in the morning being like I've left this stuff in the fridge for you do you think she'd be quite mothering not necessarily

no not necessarily I think she'd just be a good friend like I just think and that's and like man like this weekend

after you like have a couple of tough gigs and you feel bad about yourself you just go back and she's in her jammies and she goes, I was going to go to bed, but we'll have a bottle of wine. Go on.

I've opened this. I didn't want to ask you how you're having it. Tell me how it is. Of course you want to talk about it. Come on, we can. She sends her husband to bed because you know how important our time is together. Aye.

So, now that was my question. That was a good question. and our time is together aye so anyone else no that was my question that was a good question oh in that case I'll ask one which will cause genuine fucking rage this is the most

divisive question in the fucking world oh really and no we've done it before aye but to genuinely to people at home

play this with your friends your partner your family and you're gonna lose your fucking minds at them you didn't know how much a lot of this stuff meant to you But genuinely to people at home, play this with your friends, your partner, your family, and you're going to lose your fucking minds at them. You didn't know how much a lot of this stuff meant to you. What's your dream tuck shop collection, right? So you get to a tuck shop, you can have any drink,

any chocolate, and any bag of cookies. Any chocolate or sweet. I might change this with a fucking wind leg. Aye, but I want you To commit to record What your choices are Because this is You think you cause Controversy I'm not the fucking boy

However I'm just kind of fucking right I'm at the tuck shop Right now Right I'm fucking I'm looking right now I'm going to make a snap judgment

This is just me instincts tagging Right This isn't me like Measuring everything against Like I'm not going to Garn through And think each sweet The

The Cadbury's caramel Caught think each sweet the Cadbury's Caramel caught my eye the Caramel Cadbury's Caramel that's a that's a very bad start you bite into a soft pocket

of fucking joy Cadbury's Caramel that's boom boom I guess I mean just such like that

that's a middle tier chocolate yeah give us one of them purple bottles of Oasis I don't even care what kind of berries in it. The purple looks good. Get that purple in it. Man, this is so left field. Get that purple in my belly.

You're not going for any favourites. Yeah, yeah. Flame grilled crisps. They've got crinkles on them. McCoy's. Flame grilled McCoy's. Aye. Crisp with a...

You know what I mean? I don't want it fizzling and popping on my tongue like a skip or a quaver. Like, how are you, man? How are you? Wise up. So I've made some snap judgments on me. crisp with a you know what I mean I don't want it fizzing and popping on my tongue like a skip or a quaver like oh yeah man oh yeah wise up so I've made some snap judgments on me I don't want any you know what

I don't want any fizzy pop just fucking breaking in giving it away and give it something that's refreshing I'm hot it fucking gan's doing like a dream

tastes nice and sweet right and then oh that fucking caramel stale on my teeth oh that's just caramel so

the worst choice I've ever heard, and I'll not name her friend, but her decision was, and I'm not fucking kidding, bounty, which already, the worst, any one of you

that likes bounties, there's something wrong with you. Hold on, I'm not having that. They're nobody's favourite. They're no one's favourite. I like a bounty, but how am I not liking a fucking one shot, one kill? The ratio's all wrong, man. I don't having that. They're nobody's favourite. They're no one's favourite. I like a bounty, but how am I not like a fucking one shot,

one kill. The ratios are wrong, man. I don't want that much coconut with that much chocolate, man. Like, how come when you have caramel, it's not that fucking, like,

when you have bounties, 90% fucking coconut. You know what as well? It's like pitch, like it's like for, it's tropical, it's like coconut and all that, but like,

that's for you once to fucking taste the suntan lotion in your mouth so it was bounty a fizzy water sparkling water who's your mate like? I'll tell you who it is after the podcast

after the podcast you can now protect him I am I don't want to sell him or her down the river it's a her and and I am. I am. I don't want to sell him or her down the river. It's a her. It's a her. Yeah, you said. And sea salt and vinegar crisps from Sainsbury's. Salt and vinegar crisps are bouncing in a spot of water. Aye. That was her choice.

That was her fucking death row touch-up. One of my mates. Aye. Not for long. Maybe I won't tell you. Maybe it's not worth the controversy and the fallout here's my choices right

um part of me I would say I am brew I love I am brew right but I just don't want to be so stereotypical Scottish

like that would factor into my decision so I'm going to go for Lilt Lilt's good man Lilt's a fucking I haven't had Lilt in a while you know what I've been

revisiting lately The orange Lucas Aid Not the sport But the like You know the medical Lucas Aid Yeah the one that you get When you're fucking sick When you've got diarrhea

They give you And it's got a sticky bottle Aye And the lit And for some reason The hole is massive Like all other All other bottles agreed

That there was a perfect Bottleneck size Aye And fucking Lucas Aid Did too much coke and missed the meeting and they were like mouths are massive let's just make this one it's just been huffing poppers

it's gaping, it's like a cup it's like a sports direct mug you? sports direct mug? you just can't be a sports direct mug you didn't, you said it I just returned serve so Lil, drink I didn't you said it fuck off I just returned serve get out of here

so Lil drink I didn't expect that from you and I can't even say them properly but

where's where's knickknacks Worcester sauce Worcester sauce is it Worcester Worcester sauce what are you trying

to say Worcester Worchester Worchester do you call it Leicester Lecester Worcester Do you call it Leicester Leicester Leicester

They won the league A couple of years ago Good for them So go for it I love those There'd be Chelsea At the FA Cup More recently

You could have used That trophy But It seems you deleted That from your memory I did I fucking repressed it Put it way down

I've only got memories Of the Champions Fucking league Mate That's the only and the Euros oh come on I haven't spoken

about that probably yet and then get your fucking crisps out the way so I won't be tired with that my chocolate

would be Double Decker and I would never have accepted Double Decker as an answer when I was about 22 it's a bit of a bounty

one that you know in that fuck off it's no one's favourite in Double Decker absolutely wrong answer when I was about 22 it's a bit of a bounty one that you're not in that fuck off it's no one's favourite in Double Decker absolutely wrong there are people out there taking their shirts off

and committing to Daniel Slott's tattoos because they're like that's it that's that he's nailed it like he is the voice of the fucking people

Double Decker absolutely you think you're coming in swinging with Double Decker 100% of it my favourite's a topic oh wait

wise up wise the fuck up? Yours? What was yours? A fucking caramel dairy milk. Not even, not even a galaxy caramel. Galaxy who make far superior fucking chocolate.

Cadbury's caramel? Mmm, you said dairy milk. Cadbury's caramel? That's what I meant. When I say dairy milk caramel, there's, sorry,

it's the Cadbury's who make dairy milk, but they've got the pockets of caramel. Even then, even then. Now they've got the sexy bunny on the advert. Oh, now I see why you picked it. Trying to get a fucking deal so you can fucking make the rabbit and shagger.

I'll get your fucking game. So, double decker, yeah. This was the butt of my joke a fucking while back where I was ranting on, it was on the podcast, it was about the M&M's store I was like M&M's

anybody's favourite chocolate I'd probably rather have a double decker than an M&M you wouldn't put a double

decker store in Leicester Square double deckers are king so that was me crack but for that to even operate

that has to be a low to mid tier suite that's why you're not enjoying your material

because your references are raw that's why people didn't enjoying your material because your references are wrong that's why people didn't like that joke he wrote double deckers top tier god tier

I absolutely think so I think it's I think it's in everyone's I think it's in most people's top five I don't even fucking know what's real anymore

me you know what I mean right people from Blythe I know none of you like people from Blythe vote Tory he sat here saying

double decker's a top tier suite I'm like just double decker it's got a double decker of course it's got a top tier it's top tier maybe that's out of tune

in reality sometimes I'm just saying fucking Eva I'm wrong on the entire world this is why me and Natalie believe that you're capable of fucking making egg and bread in the toaster

because you come out of fucking left field with mad fucking claims like galaxy caramel as if like you're like you get galaxy caramel if there's nothing. You're treating yourself with a galaxy.

Love yourself, man. That's a bimbo. That's a bimbo. Love yourself, man. That's a bimbo of a sweet. I'm not marrying it. A fucking bimbo of a sweet. I'm not marrying it.

I'm not spending the rest of my life with her. I'm just having to sell a good five minutes. Nah, not even. It's like saying Mars bar, man. Like, come on. Like, Mars bars are good. Everyone likes a Mars bar fucker

let's chuck this in here cream egg no too small for your like your dream you want to get banged for your buck you're not going

and you get banged for your buck with a double becker it's a hearty snack aye there's everything put it on your chest aye

it's a meal like aye twenty and five a day I think it's a hearty snack aye put it on your chest aye it's a meal like aye 25 a day I think it's two of them I do like a double decker that's what I'm saying like you know what

it's like I'm enjoying double deckers more with age like we just picked up a whiskey and had a swig of whiskey there it's for the more mature palate but don't go on fucking swinging in

like oh where was originals that was best fuck off man howare howare man so so that was requesting each Don't go on fucking swinging in like, oh, where was I originally? I was best friend. Fuck off, man. How are you? How are you, man? So,

so that was my question each. Aye. You know what? Ask us tomorrow to a different lot from the tug shop. No, I'm quite consistent with my ones. I got occasionally switched to pickled onion monster munch. Why, don't call us that.

You were fucking come wielding pickle inhaling. Aye. Do you know how fucking Milo's kids aye yeah they're my godchildren I know them

very well aye just checking you know them before I tell you the story erm Milo's like Dan Dan and

Kai Kai are coming over to stay aye he's like which one's Kai Kai and they were like yeah Kai Kai he's got a funny

accent and all that I think in here it was like the one with the kind face oh that's nice to hear which is nice to hear right but not not for her parents because they're like man she's gonna trust some sake who's when she's older and uh so i'm like oh so far the story's good but like it's not good

right it's a shit sandwich but the shit's the bread right it starts off she can't remember who i am motherfucker i thought i made an impact right and then can't remember who I am motherfucker I thought that made an impact right and then she could remember who I am and she appeared as a compliment

in the memory and then she went that's not Kai Kai that's Pickle aye she knows man she didn't ask but I mean her name she knew

was Pickle that is your name huh Pickle is your name no I'm not having it oh look I hate to sound like fucking Donald Trump here

but I'm going to need to see a birth certificate to know for sure I'll get it if you want to fucking prove once and for all that you're definitely not pickled by birth which I'm 82% confident you are I hate to be a fucking card truther here

but get the fucking I will because your fucking mum not rolled it into cigarettes so this is I will. I will. Because your fucking mum not rolled it into cigarettes. Skinned over there. So this is a follow-up to the question and answer on Patreon. If you haven't watched that already,

you need to become a bigger fan of the podcast. So this is from Olav Dokes. This is the first one. That's I Love Dicks. I Love Dicks? Yeah. Not Olav Dokes. I Love Dicks. I Love Dicks? Yeah. Not I Love Dokes, I Love Dicks.

I'd just like a thorough rundown of what both Muggins and Cream went through in the hours leading up to, during and after the final. And I just want to say to Olav, I'm very grateful to the England team for allowing me to run through every emotion I'm capable of having. I went through euphoria. I went through capable of having. I went through euphoria. I went through desolation. I went through pride for strangers and the boys that were playing.

And I went from far disgusting strangers to me countrymen and the way the representatives were outside of Wembley and on the internet. So I've went through pride. I've went through disgust. I've went through elation. I've went through despair. I was threadbare by the end of that. I went through joy and happiness with my friends that support England.

I went through a feeling of rejection from my friends that hate England. I just want to say aye. Thanks for that emotional rollercoaster. Football's brilliant. And I was so close to Nirvana. Aye. And you got the real Nirvana experience in the end. Blowing my head off.

So before the game, I was like, I'm not watching it. You went through acceptance because you not watching it you went through acceptance because you texted me I can't live in a world where fucking England win and even people that don't support football in Scotland if England win it's going to be fucking worse than Brexit

because they're going to use it as this fucking justification for all of like it's all this but on the other side of things the team of we're the fucking great it's all this and just but it's on the other side of things the team of young players are fucking great they're fine examples of fucking young men

Gareth Southgate he's a gentleman aye so we went to Gareth and Laura's for some dinner fucking ravioli

aye we had Italian so we had spaghetti and we had garlic bread and we had some Prosecco. Bigger Peronis. And a couple of lovely Italian red wines and we played Risk and...

That real Italian game, Risk, where they try and conquer the world. Yeah, we just kept joining Germany later on and then switching sides. So we were like, Risk is a long game. Sometimes it lasts up to like one or two hours. But what we weren't expecting was Cara to be the most man

Hitler was not stabbed in the way of Cara absolutely bitchy man like I didn't know it was possible to win it in four rounds

like I didn't realise you could just fucking win the game by just expanding you could do on pass on in Risk aye so then

like England score first Luke Shaw and it's within the first fucking two minutes. Tremendous goal. Straight after we blundered and gave away a corner for nothing where it looked like the fucking heads were gone after a minute and then we scored after two and we're like,

oh, phew, it looked like it was going to be a shoddy start. And obviously other people were fucking devastated, but it's just at this point, like after the argument that we all had after the fucking England went out in the World Cup and we all celebrated like fucking mad in front of them I was just like, you know what I'll just fucking separate it

I didn't like when Liverpool won the league but I didn't let it ruin my life I was fucking angry about it for a couple of hours and then I was like, I like Ian Starling I like Andrew Maxwell, Alfie Brown there's good people out there so I text you and I text Barry and I text Barry

and I was just like hey fucking best of luck and you know whatever and we were playing the game and then Cara won and then Italy equalised and we opened another bottle of red

and it was just so tense because it was either going to be England won on penalties which would be this great redemption story for who missed the final penalty in 96 I think it was

and was the reason that they didn't win it then so he's brought this young team of fucking players up but also in the same way after England finally beat Germany it was just this fucking massive thing where we're like we've done it we won the war it's that all over again like we beat the fucking Germans we've beaten the curse we're like if they beat their penalties curse,

it's going to be twice as unbearable as before, because they're truly going to think they're invincible, because that was always their big fucking downfall. But if they lose on penalties... It must have been a real bittersweet for you lads, though, because you guys are there, celebrating that they're saving the penalties from England,

right? But you're also there going, is that Marcus Rashford the one that fed all those kids and give up a better opposition to the British government which I'm part of Britain the better opposition to the British government

than any of our politicians whether that be fucking Labour or the SNP or anything has ever put up with her is that man there taking that penalty yes he's sad

yes he's a oh fin your face you cunt that must have been bittersweet. To like the man, but wish him the worst possible heartache that he could possibly go through. We weren't... It was like when fucking Saka missed. I was with Arsenal fans, and they were like,

man, we love fucking Saka so much. Saka's a sweetheart, man. He's an absolute fucking sweetheart, and he shouldn't have been taking the fucking penalty. But for us, it's like, man, these are all... And man, you can say that about most of the people. They're all fucking good men. Like, we've seen in the way that they've stood

up for each other and they've been a fucking team afterwards like they've all come out and they've all fucking condemned it they've all

stood beside each other like it's a good fucking team of lads feel fucking bad for all of them but I was very happy that there was a

whole bunch of racists sat and a whole bunch of bigots fired from work the fucking anybody right so there's people

that fucking like Andrew Lawrence fuck Andrew Lawrence like fuck Andrew Lawrence coming out and pointing out that I'm just saying

the white players scored it's just such a freezing cold take freezing cold take saying oh I'd rather the kids starved and the goal went in

right like don't get me wrong they are fucking jokes so I'll always forgive someone for telling jokes but I'm just like

man those aren't funny jokes here's something right just saying the white players scored Andrew Lawrence alright right the white players scored

the black players didn't how about if there wasn't cunts like you in the country that were booing the knee that were standing up

against actively standing up against the movement for equality if there wasn't cunts like you making them players feel insecure feel like they weren't

part of the country that they were born in making them like maybe they would have had a bit more air in their chest maybe their chin would have been that little bit higher

maybe their bowel would have went in the fucking top corner if it wasn't for you you daft little cunt aye like maybe that it was the colour of their skin but only because of racists in the fucking top corner if it wasn't for you you daft little cunt aye like mebby's that

it was the colour of their skin but only because of racists that didn't back them and that's why they didn't score arseholes man

aye so anyway I've been through some emotions no no man and they're all fucking fallacies and the thing is

again I didn't know if I could take any pride in my fucking friends being sad but again it's just fucking being Scottish. You just don't want the fucking English to win. So when they lost, we cheered a bit.

Cara filmed it. And at the end of the fucking video, the thing is, I'm like, don't send that to anyone like this. It's just a reaction. We're drunk. We're enjoying the moment. But when we did drive home, there were fireworks in Scotland. Of course there is. You're like, oh, they tried to invade us.

They tried to invade us once in the 1500s. Can you correct this? So you're like that. You've got a historic... That's not the only most recent awful thing you've done to us. And then you're like, we're playing against Italy. They're the genesis of invasion.

They started the whole invasion game. They worked their way up England, became us, and then that's when we tried to invade Scotland. If you can show me one racist Italian, I'll eat my hat. If you can show me a single racist Italian, maybe I'll agree that there's a little bit of hypocrisy. But until that happens...

Your historic beef with England started becoming real straw man when we're playing against Italy and Germany. I can't, as a history buff, I can't think of any evil Italian men. The Mario Brothers were great. Recently, the Lazio fan base started petitioning for a male-only stand. Oh, that's just so they could all kiss and that was like

in 2018 or 2019 or something I heard this because they didn't qualify for the Champions League and the journalists were going it's not a good time

for Lazio to be on the world stage this is very funny because this is what's coming out of their fan base right now this is very funny because a couple of days ago I read an article about how

I think it's I think it's in Saudi Arabia. No, maybe it's not. Maybe I've got this wrong. But there's a country where women have been banned from sports stadiums for all their lives. So it was the story of this girl who would dress as a boy to go watch her football team because she loved fucking football so much. But now she gets to go in dressed as a girl because they're finally opening up to women. Imagine how ashamed of your country would be if Saudi Arabia do something

before you you're like we want to get women banned from the fucking stands Saudi Arabia they let who in? are we the bad guys? are we taking a massive step back in all this? so it's a strange one because I think a massive step back in all this. So,

it's a strange one because I think England not winning come with a little bit of like, oh, there was a lot of people who didn't deserve that trophy as far as the government fucking trying to like piggyback on it, pulling on the England tops after not even

the offside rule, but they're trying to like fucking ride off some of the glory of the country that they represent and you're like this fucking Boris Johnson and Priti Patel and all that

like nah he didn't get to he didn't get to swim in this glory yet they were trying to fucking swim right at the front of that glory

with all the fucking bunt nudes out of Downing Street and all that I was like this cunt's never kicked a ball in his life and then you've got all these racists

that were on social media, the people that were fighting at Wembley, they didn't deserve to win. For us not to win, I am collateral damage so those people couldn't get to ride that glory. And what it did is, and it's such a fucking horrible way for things to

start making progress, but it really highlighted that racism was real and anybody that say somebody that lives in the northeast of England and they're not like

surrounded by people from different cultures they're only surrounded by white people so they don't know that racism is there and it's alive

and fucking thriving thriving is the wrong word for it but you know what I'm saying alright flirty flirty

so they're they're there going like oh what's all this tech and the name driving to the wrong word for it but you know what I'm saying alright flirty flirty so they're they're there going like oh what's all this taking the knee mush and all that what's this Black Lives Matter fucking crap

that's taking up all the news I'm bored of this me and they're just talking like that because they didn't realise it's real and then all of a sudden they get to see how

fucking real it is because of the way that those three lads who missed their penalty were treated and then they have to make a fucking snap stand at the other side of the lane

because they don't want to be associated with these fucking absolute monsters. So they've been there in this ignorance of like, oh man, I just want it to go away. My life's fucking... And then I've seen a lot more of the all lives matter type of people being progressive

because they've actually had their fucking eyes peeled up into the problem right so I mean there's I agree with you

there's some fucking positives in it but mainly it's that you don't get to play footage of this final every fucking two years

for the rest I haven't watched any of it back yet fair enough what's the next question oh this one's from Sid this is from Sid will you suck my Jesus Sid come on man

I know you didn't even specify which one it was do you want me to both suck it at once that wasn't even DM'd man like that's um thank god you can't post pictures on Instagram comments because i think i knew what was following that and it was a thirsty thirsty mouth but somehow already wet so the second question was uh from sid was uh does anyone have a joke that you wish you'd thought of

first either because it's so brilliant or because you think it would really suit you. And I've actually got to go to a response for this because when I first started stand-up, I started writing about having squint surgery on me. You know how I had a bong eye? Aye. And then I had the surgery to get it fixed. And I had to wear like a patch glasses

to make sure like my eyes would work independently. Like you have to put like a prism on. So like these big NHS put like a prism on so like these big nhs glasses with a prism on and the prism would mean that my eye when it's relaxed is looking in the same direction as me eye that's not pointing the wrong way right and then if those two work together to make one clear image i can have the surgery so i started writing about that experience because it's quite a good well of comedy. And while I was like, just, you know, a couple of biro scribbles on a bit of paper

and I was like about to take it to an open mic night, I watched Jason Byrne destroy that topic on Live at the Apollo. He just fucking annihilated that entire topic. And I was like, oh, that's just, that's got a fork in it. Yeah, yeah, that's done aye

uh huh eh for me one of the ones I guess fucking Jim Jefferies gun control bit it's just another one of those ones where just

like so thoroughly every bit of the fucking argument's done like it's such a good 15 fucking 20 minutes and he leaves no stone unturned um I do you know do you know what's one of my favourite bits of all time Chris rocks I love black people no stone unturned um I

do you know it's one of my favourite bits of all time Chris rocks I love black people I wish I wrote it I'd love to see the reaction because I guarantee

me doing that joke does not get the same reaction do you know apparently I mean this is just like fucking mythical talk of legend

on the circuit is that that never went down well for him for a long time. Really? He fucking persevered and he tells himself like

I know this is funny because I find it funny and I trust my I trust my I trust my own judgement and I trust my own taste so what I'm not doing is getting it across correctly. This is a translation problem, not an idea problem.

And he persevered with it and eventually he got it to be one of the greatest routines of all time. When I first started watching comedy, because I was late to the party with comedy, I saw a routine by Rod Gilbert about the luggage handle. Oh, yeah, that's good. And that's still to this day is one of the best routines ever. And that's still a bit of a lot of fucking YouTube.

That's a fucking... If you watch that on YouTube now, it's probably dead pixelated and that. It's quite an old bit, isn't it? But that is so good. You know what's good about it for looking at the craft? Is you'll take a little bit of time doing the setup, right? And then a punchline comes. And you want everything after that to be a little bit of time doing the setup right and then a punch lane comes and you want

everything after that to be a quick route of a punch lane my fucker every lane's a punch lane you get to the first punch lane then every single

lane's a punch lane and it goes on and on with just every next sentence that comes out of his mouth is a punch lane

aye erm good question thatline aye good question that's a good question thanks Sid so we're obviously not going to get through all of these just do one more then what's the worst injury you've had and how did it happen

yours will be more interesting so shall I go first yeah go on then I've broken like all of my fingers and all of my toes at separate points but like also man like you everyone breaks their toes

apparently people break them without knowing yeah yeah because you rarely get that x-ray yeah you just bang it and it's so and it's such a small fucking bone that most of the time it just fucking heals back together like if it's broken it's not making too much fucking difference to the foot and there used to be where I grew up in East Weems

there used to be like at the beach when the tide was out just loads of fucking crab pools and like fucking back in the day when I was about 8 you'd get crabs that were like fucking dinner plate size though to be fair I don't know if they were or whether it was just small but like I

remember them being huge like as big as your fucking face and then when we were teenagers

we tried to one of them was called Matty we tried to fucking recreate that

magic and they were just way smaller and I picked up one crab rock and fucking

and I just slammed back down on my finger and broke like two of them but that's the extent of my injuries my dad once broke his tailbone

trying to beat his 12 year old in a fucking ski race did he? he broke his cock legs? it was me and him and we were skiing somewhere in America and he was like he was like he broke his back short enough to a 12 year old he did

he did he fell down He was like... He probably was back showing off to a 12-year-old. Aye. He did. Dad jokes. He did. He fell down. He's broken every bone in his body that the doctors just go, yeah, it's broken. Like, there's no treatment.

You kind of put your tailbone in a castlet. You're kind of a splint. Broken tailbone, he's broken ribs, and he's broken his collarbone. And those are all three things where you go and the doctor goes,

yeah, it's broken. Like, that's... Whoops. Yeah, right like that's whoops yeah right your big whoops yeah in America they're like

$19,000 for that diagnosis oh man and $5,000 for the sling so my because I I've actually

remarkably getting away pretty unscathed in this life considering how many close calls I've had I broke my cheekbone in a jet skate accident once

right and I'm I'm in the hospital I've had. I broke my cheekbone in a jet ski accident once, right? And I'm in the hospital. I've surely told this story on the podcast before, but here I go again. I'm in the hospital, right? Because I woke up in the ambulance. I'd been unconscious in the seat.

The other jet skiers pulled us out and stuff, right? And I fucking, I'm in, I'm in the hospital bed in this ward that's 24-hour surveillance. So they've got to have someone watching you the whole time, right? And there's just a conveyor belt of specialists and students

and fucking everybody coming to have a look at us because this fucking medical miracle is happening on this bed, right? Your cock got bigger. It was massive. It was bigger than me. I was mostly cock. There was a second bed for it it was actually

they asked the penis they asked it when it woke up if it wanted you removed it actually turned out it turned out to be a trick on the eye and it was actually that I'd shrunk because I was the same size but I'd pruned in the water.

But because I jet ski with a condom on, we cock. As all the pro jet skiers do, by the way. That's like a little... It makes it more streamlined. Everyone knows that. So, they're coming in. And they've took samples.

Of what? Of body fluid coming out my nose, right? Brain fluid coming out my nose. And they're like... There's not much of this. They're like... They're talking of us. And they're trying to explain to us what's happening.

I'm fucking in a daze because I've just been knocked on the bushes by a pair of hammerballs. Meanwhile, all of your memories of your granddad are dribbling out of your nose. And it's just like Casper, the friendly ghost, fucking screaming and that and just dissipating into the ether.

Right, so they're taking samples, whoopie nose. They're testing them. They're testing them again. They're showing people the results. They're fucking just in wonder at what the fuck's going on with me in this bed, right? And they're like,

it's not seawater because there's proteins in it. There's no proteins in the sea? No ones? Well, not to this company. This is how they're dumbing it down to me, right? There's fluid constantly coming out of your nose. It's not seawater because we've tested it.

It's bodily fluid. There's proteins in it. But if it was a fractured skull and it's brain fluid, you shouldn't be talking to her right now. Aye. And you were like, aye, but I'm Geordie. Aye, this is now a normal attack. Yeah, a well-educated me-hoo.

I went to Eton. I've had elocution lessons. I live in Brighton-upon-Hove So they're fucking They're just in the wilderness I've had 24 hours surveillance Right They're testing this fucking brain fluid

They're in awe That I'm talking Right And then somebody figured it out What was happening Come I'd ruptured me tear gland And I was crying up me nose

And there was tears flowing up my nose and I was getting back Billy Two Rivers Billy Two Rivers Billy Two Rivers Big Chief

Gripping Candle so either way the worst injury that I've ever had is a ruptured tear gland made him cry through the nose it was actually

the last time I cried aye it's very weird that you're like my biggest injury is the time that I've ever had is a ruptured tear I made him cry through the nose it was actually the last time he cried it's very weird that you're like my biggest injury is the time that I cried through my nose and not the time I bled out my arsehole

I lied through me teeth it's why I'm so crooked like me do you want to do another hour or are we done no no we're done so we've got to wake

we've got to fucking wake up at like 8 or 9am tomorrow we've got to we've got to carry a giant naked cardboard cutout of meat to the hire car place

it's a very limiting version of the term we I'm carrying your back mate so you're carrying yourself no that's yours

I've carried you for enough of my career it's about time you carried yourself so Daniel got a gift from the gigs that we've just

been doing at the Clapham Grand they give him a naked cut out of me that's almost life size just a smaller

penis so we're on tour the next couple of days Norwich, Halifax then Barnacastle and then after that it's Edinburgh and America tour dates will be announced soon yes and thank you to the patrons that asked the questions we had a lot of fun

doing the actual Q&A and if you haven't seen that already, the video is up on Patreon. And I'm going to put the audio only one up because I know some of you only listen to this at work when your eyes are busy or whatever.

So I'll put the audio up. And your hands. And your hands. So I'll put the audio up. So thanks for your questions and thanks for watching it. And we'll keep putting the questions that are remaining

into the regular podcast. Cadbury's Cream Eggs stopped their How Do You Eat Yours campaign after your dad kept sending them videos of him trying to swallow them whole, passing out and then shitting himself always ended with just him crying into a toilet while your mum stroked his back just saying I just want to be a snake

I just want to be a snake That's so wild that I chose because this is mine just saying, I just want to be a snake. I just want to be a snake. That's so wild, that's yours because this is mine. I started playing a flute and your dad randomly rose out of a wicker basket like a snake and started wiggling. Your dad opens for Andrew Lawrence. Your dad

tested positive for COVID And started texting to pick up the lateral flow test And people tell him he was pregnant Your dad's Patronus is a hummingbird Drinking crack sweat from the hole It hovers there so gracefully But what it does It's so disgusting

And he says they're going I want to be a snake that's why he gets easy access to the asshole he's down there trying to surround his ankles trying to suck his own dick that's why

that's why he slithers in fuck you your dad measures his cock in millimetres so he can tell people how big it is in double digits your dad films himself

wanking because he's convinced that one day he's going to catch a ghost watching him doing it. There's perverts on the other side, I'm telling you. They were perverts in this life. They're perverts on the next. There's no way they'd just go back from that. There's no way you can go through Wales

and not watch me wank. It's the number one thing you'd use it for. Is that narcissistic? Omni-present. Omni-present, you're not watching this. I mean, you're slow wank. It's the number one thing you'd use it for. Is that narcissistic? Omni-present. Omni-present, you're not watching this. I mean, slow wanking. Your dad uses the hand dryer and the public toilets on his arsehole instead of wiping his bum.

Just to get the hummingbird off of him. Because your dad's Patronus is of my dad's arse as well. Your dad stabs his cigarette out on the church donation plate. Baller.

Aye, but also just so rude, just don't go, Kev. Your dad always chills in the chair for 20 minutes after a haircut waiting for his boner to go away and he's like oh me pants are haunted looks like it's

Casper the too friendly ghost now watch this right I'm gonna stop this aye stop it forever and ganna ganna sign up to Patreon

I've done it already