Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 43 Moist Moist Moist...

Episode Date: April 3, 2017

Cream eats an edible (canibis sweet) and is too high to text but still records a podcast with hungover Muggins and their good buddy Carey Marx. They discus playing risk, living with muggins, kissing a bloke like a gentleman and all things moist. 

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack! Aww, muggles! Accidental ripjob in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia! Where have you been since 9-11?

All right, clap. All right, we've got a special podcast there. We'll clap just then so that we can put the levels at the same point. I don't know why I'm telling them loads of admin. But basically, we've got three mics and two podcast devices. We're going to edit them together because we've got a very special guest on. We've got Kerry Marks sat with us right now. Hi, Kerry.

Yeah, I feel really special now now i've been told that a clap is special as well it was it was a collab it was a cloud together yeah this is actually the second attempt at it because when we're done the clap so that we get a spike on the levels and get everyone lined up the same uh we went right now clap and kerry give a round of applause i don't like being left out welcoming us onto the podcast a bit of a sheep whenever you just sheep just trying to convince them that this is done in front of a live studio audience like Keenan and Cale should I sit on the floor? that's not what we meant about being on the same level

we meant the levels of volume on the microphones however Daniel is on a very different level right now because he took an edible sweet creamalicious how's that edible going? I'm being very brave. I'm getting through it. You don't look like it.

No. You look like you're struggling. I got a text off Gene saying, come over for the podcast. Gene texted me saying, come over for the podcast. Danny is too high to text. No, I was too high to want to text.

Oh. I was just like, she had her phone out. I was like, can you just text Kai and say come home? I think you're looking good Thanks Has my eyes come across I get told I look high all the time

I get told I look high And I look tired Even by strangers A woman once in a lift Told me I look tired People say you look high And you look tired And then you get offended

And then think well Two out of two isn't bad That's why we got you on the podcast on the RTV show. I would do podcasts. Because you don't sound tired. We had a good night last night. Oh, that was a big day. Me and Kyle were walking down the street.

Me and my kids were walking down the street. And it was after a lovely meal. Swinging in the wind. Kicking leaves. Just, yeah, onto railway tracks. We walked past an old-fashioned book. Some lollipop, lollipop, lollipop. Onto an old, well, it wasn't, it was very new,

board game shop, and we bought The Walking Dead Risk, and it's the fucking greatest game in the world. Better than the film, I think, and the book. Yeah. Or the game. Yeah, you were scared all the way through, Kerry. I was terrified.

You hid behind the couch. Tossing dice over his shoulder. What was that? Two ones again, Kerry. It was a hell of a game, though, wasn't it? Yeah. Who won? Oh, shut up.

I've got a lot to say about this. Sounds like it. Calm down. I was pausing for effect. sounds like it calm down I was pausing for effect so we played with me you, Kerry yeah you said those names close enough together

Andrew Stanley who has been on the podcast and a band or Sam Sam Wilson who's been on the podcast also so it was very but me and Sam were a team we were the same team

as were you and Kerry yeah me and Kerry but we had different players yeah so you we had allegiance that's a little bit different oh no it wasn't i asked you were can you make allegiances i was told yes we made an allegiance it was uh very useful no they were very bitter about our allegiance i think daniel was just jealous because you stole his friend no very jealous and bitter i've got i've got friends all over the shops you heard the podcast bitter because walking dead no i know it's not you that i've taken over your friend you're very jealous of Bitter I've got friends all over the shops you heard the podcast Bitter has walked dead

no I know it's not you that have taken over your friend yeah no it was just I can see him pulling strings there's enough

muggins to go around I'm a slut you got engaged last week and then bragged about it on Facebook right in front of me you know I'll see it

yeah this is how I should be finding out I love that so fucking announcing their proposal on Facebook is pure like farming

you know people are going to like it probably people will just go oh fucking muggle getting engaged I like it anyway you did have one

sad face on it one sad face it was yours you know what I loved about that everyone just saw 700 people like this and one person is sad and what I loved about that? Everyone just saw 700 people like this, and one person is sad. And what I loved about that is that people didn't join in also doing the sad face

and let you be the solitary sad face. Because they would have been such muggles if they just went, oh, I'm going to do the sad face too. Does it allow you to do a sadder face, though? Yeah, do you know this? No. No, you can't finger on it, do you? This is like teaching me granddad how to use the VHS player.

How to set it to record. I just suggested I'm his grandad Did you fuck his gran? There you go That's why he's calling you grandad He could be One of many people He's a spy Yeah my gran was German

Grandad's a traitor yeah my grandma's German my grandma's a traitor my grandma's German he just went to clarify you wanted to clarify it in front of our Jewish companion I literally just said the Jew how many minutes in are we before Jew came up?

Oh, five minutes. I need a Texas Gold watch. So to get the laughing face, you have to go past the sad face. Oh, no, it's not.

It's to go past the sad face. You have to go past the laughing face. So if there's anything, anyone's like lost a family member or something, right, and you want to put the sad face on, right, you have to like go past the sad face, you have to go past the laughing face. So if there's anything, anyone's lost a family member or something,

and you want to put the sad face on, you have to go over the laughing face and just diffuse the bomb and hope you don't accidentally put the laughing face like Nan's just died. It's like when you hold down like, it gives you options of different types of like in it. It's like a Russian roulette.

So you can get really sad, can't you? Do you get sadder? It's like a crying face. Oh, really get really sad can you It's like a crying face Is it a crying face Aye Or a single tear You're in prison and you've killed someone That's what it is

Grant's died I'm in prison There's a man dead shanked him So you two right Both of you people have lived with me now yeah how's that compare notes

compare notes I just thought you were like what you just did was so talk about me I feel like I feel like I've got two because I don't live

with any of you now I feel like I've got two ex-girlfriends in a room I only know you were there because you keep reminding me. So what's your least favourite thing about Muggins? Least favourite?

Yeah. I wish I could think of a really good moment that was awful. We had no animosity between us for two months, actually. I know what you're fishing for, but we got on really well. Oh, here's the allegiance again I swear to god this little unbelievable

never a dull moment we had verandas we had gardens we laughed an awful lot everything was jolly we were like muggins and cream

weren't we how fucking dare you we had a we had a breeze go through us in a garden while staring at the stars we followed the breeze around through us in a garden while staring at the stars

we followed the breeze around we could see it moving around like an entity we saw it go round the garden like round tree to tree until it went right through us yeah and then we were like oh I guess he's joined the party now tell me your best Kai moment you ever sat with Kai in a garden looking at stars with a breeze going through you

I don't think you have well I mean I think you have. Well, I mean, I asked you what your worst was. Even his fiancée hasn't had that with him. No, she's had no chemistry. Is that on a whim? God hasn't touched her in the same way. She's doing it for the dowry. I do remember you bringing up the

wee dishes I did you shouldn't have ate them I can't clean a spatula that's like in your dad's shop the most negative's the most negative thing that happened in two months

and I wasn't even needing it I just picked up and went that's impossible put that spatula on a like

put it down as if it's clean you know when an egg drips and it looks like a tear because there's that much egg

because the spatula has been in prison and killed an egg it's like he really beat an egg. Did you have a dishwasher? Did we have a dishwasher? Have you ever seen him try to load a fucking dishwasher? It's the worst.

It's like a colourblind person playing fucking... Oh, now all the truth is coming out. I think he pours the stuff in. Hold on, hold on. He just has a bowl of dishes. He flings them from across the room on a fucking whim. I can only figure out

that he must trip up on the way there. Aye, but I tip it well. I leave ten dollars in for it. Thanks for cleaning me dishes. Thank it. Kiss it. He does say thank you afterwards, actually. It's a bit weird and uncomfortable.

You've just got a name. Oh, no. This podcast progressed to the 1970s. Progressed to the 1970s. Sorry. Sorry, my inner Anansi's coming out. Shit. It was fucking disgusting, though.

Yeah. That spatula was... It was actually like I'd been sat there with a washing dish full of egg. I don't think you said you'd been listening to music or something, or you weren't paying attention. Yeah. Which, to me, is like the worst excuse ever.

That's like bringing a girl back, and then just afterwards, you just sit in the lounge, just going, you didn't have sex with me. Go, oh, sorry, I was listening to music. I forgot you were there. Did you just compare having sex with washing a spatula? Yeah. Is that how good your love life's going, Kerry? To be honest, it's pretty accurate.

No, his love life is why they have to clean the spatula. I thought I deserved more. Is that that hang there? Like a bat smell. What we'll do is we'll have a little brief moment of silence for bad jokes. There's another one. Are you all you alright Daniel I'm not good

I think I look higher than I am or the other way around you got me that's proof we got me we got me high I got high

before my gig the other day and I was really self conscious on stage were you yeah like the gig went well because it always does

because I'm fucking muggins the gig went alright but the whole time I was on stage in a monologue I was going this is so obvious Because it always does, because I'm fucking muggins. They kept going, all right. But the whole time I was on stage, in our monologue, I was going, this is so obvious it's a bit. It's so obvious you're just doing a bit on them. Did you repeat any jokes? Oh, you did the other day.

Because I could do that without getting high. Oh, that was brilliant. That's happened three times over this whole run, isn't it? Yeah. And I think you've been there for each occasion. But there was... Twice I've done it without realising for a while afterwards afterwards and then the other night what joke was it um i was a bit about that i've got two minutes to go and so on and then but i said the same line i think probably

within a minute later on oh yeah and then i heckled from the back i went tell it a third time in that moment did i do that twice uh and congratulated him on his stage whispering technique In that moment Did I do that twice Uh Um I congratulated him On his stage whispering technique Sort of stage whisper Stroke shout

Yeah Less of a stage whisper No Just a stroke shout I shouldn't have stroked you The only time I was going to say This is like the highest

I've been in a while Except for Uh So you know I was at a wedding before Melbourne my friends Mallory and Jordan were getting married in Australia, went out there with the stag do but before the stag do I'd driven up to Nimbin

which is a place in Australia where you can buy weed legally well not legally but the police tend to not so I did a road trip up there with Ella. Yeah. And then I came back down. I went up, got two bags of weight, big, heavy bags, and then walked through this part where there was an old woman selling cookies.

And I was like, I'll have one of those. Did it on the day of the fucking stag do in bed by 6 p.m. A fucking stag do. Oh, man, I've never been that fucking high like his wife his future wife was so fucking mad at the fact that we just basically put him in bed by 6pm but he couldn't walk

well I dragged him there you were in bed together this stag do is going to be fucking awesome he has your pyjamas I think this is my way of telling you to not book me for your stag do book you I'll ring your agent It's going to be fucking awesome. Here's your pyjamas. I think this is my way of telling you to not book me for your stag too. Book you? I'll ring your agent. Every social arrangement for Daniel is a bookie.

I'll do it, dude. Can I just book you to come round to the flat later on? Can I book you for a coffee? Running past my agent, these things have to go through her too. I was so high the other day, I kissed a man on the cheek as an introduction thing there was a girl Kerry I'll let you interview him with this one

I kissed a man on the cheek shook it shook her it was a man work this story out from the beginning do you know Aaron Chen you know that guy

that looks like a dude yeah Aaron Chen oh okay right so fucking Gene walks in like hey and I give Gene a kiss

on the cheek and behind her was Aaron Chen who was wearing a hat and his hair's kind of long so he's a guy who looks like a dude no he doesn't even

look like a dude no he was just so high that he just was in the routine of kissing people so he'd come in and I'd met him once in Adelaide right

and we got along great we'd both been on the same gig together I'd heard of him through you he'd heard of me through you so we both had

a mutual friend in you so we're like oh Daniel spoke about you we both had nice gigs we were very complimentary got along great and then and then I saw him

for the second time in Melbourne like three days ago when I'm high as fuck and Gene walks in I give Gene a kiss and then Aaron Chang's face lights up

and he holds his hand out to shake it and instantly in my head I was like this is a girl and I shook Aaron Chang's hand and kissed him on the cheek did you go around

kissing everyone on the cheek to make it all right? He just went on a spree. I broke down. Did you go tongue in, straight afterwards? I broke down laughing. I just broke down laughing. I just said, dude, I bought you a chick. So it's all right.

Oh, man, I was just such a gentleman. Stanley would love this story yeah he would have fucking turned his lips oh man yeah I just kissed kissed a guy and the chick

I did one once where I walked into a I was going to a a loo in a in a nightclub and there was a lady by the sinks and I realised

I walked into the wrong toilet so I apologised and she stared at me like I'm perverted or like dangerous or something and I backed out of the room going I'm really sorry just walked into the wrong toilet so I apologised and she stared at me like I'm perverted or like dangerous or something and I backed out

of the room going I'm really sorry just walked into the wrong toilet and as I walked out I realised it was actually the gents and that was a dude

that was a guy who just apologized to me and made it far fucking worse oh no I've been in the toilet before at the urinal

and then a girl's walked in so she's walked into the wrong toilet but like instantly because I'm normally the idiot and I'm like oh fuck I'm in the wrong toilet but toilet before at the urinal and then a girl's walked in so she's walked into the wrong toilet but like instantly because I'm normally the idiot. I'm like, oh fuck, I'm in the wrong toilet but I'm at a urinal. She'll make sure she takes your cock real quick.

She's put me cock away, carried on pissing, ran out. Sorry mom. Kissed her on the cheek. Turned out it was Aaron Cheng. It's always him How many times have you kissed him on the cheek now? I keep doing it I bought him tampons for Christmas I bought a ring

I'm married now Oh man So what else has been happening what have we done no well that's not enough enough good kiss on the lips you told me to bring up the stag do story

was that the stag do story that you went to see I lost faith in the story all the way through and I forgot what it was is that the paranoia I was a full on break no no I just

the bit yeah full on breakdown so when you went to bed at six did you get up like seven hours later I got up at twelve very fucking refreshed

like midnight yeah and then we'd lost everyone did you say Malorie was mad at you that you went to bed early on the stag do

well because we'd been drinking was she on it no no but she wanted him to have a good time yeah

she wanted him to have a great time and also she had been at the villa because the hen do was out at the same time, but obviously staying on other sides, so we'd never meet.

So they were at the villa, but we had to come home because we were so fucking high. And they were just on their way out, so she was pretty fucking mad. And I was too high to deal with being yelled at. Yeah. Get yelled at. Was it like one night?

Oh, not yelled at. It was just like, you know, and a friend was like, come on, go, go. And I was like, ugh. Was it a few days? Oh no, yeah, I held that like an angry just like, you know, in a friendly like Come on, cook, yay! Was it a few days, the stag day? No, no, no, because it was just a lot of people came over from Scotland so we were only there for a week Yeah, they just had a pill of fate

told some ghost stories Sat down by the fire Watched Frozen Had an early night Made a fort in the bedroom. Yeah. You put a pillowcase on his head and did enactments of the wedding.

Natalie wants me to wear a kilt at my wedding. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Are you against it? Have you worn one before? Skirt? No. No.

A kilt, particularly. Yeah. No. No one won. Well, it's the same as wearing a skirt. Yeah, I imagine. She'll be fine with it. See, I imagine. You'd be fine with it. See, this is why I'm not sure about it.

I'd feel like a bit of an imposter, because I'm not Scottish. And I know she's Scottish. You'd have to stop you wearing a skirt. But I might wear a dishdash, just on my other side. What's the dishdash? That Arabic side.

Dishdash, like what they wear in the desert. Keep themselves cool. Like the big white gown with the... Is that what that's called? They put the white sheet over their head. Do you know the thing's what that's called they put their they put their white sheet over their head with a do you know the thing

that they put so they put the sheet over their head and they put I don't even know if this is a fact but I'm going to sell it off

you know they like crown that own it I'm going to own it man I'm going to own it forget I even said that bit of preamble

because that actually compromises my commitment to this fact now however you're getting the paranoia I learned this when I was in Bahrain, right? When they put the cloth over the head

and put the little kind of crown on the top of the head, that keeps it on. You mean the elastic thing? The elastic thing. You learned that? No, no, someone taught us what that is. That's when the camels are like, they kneel down, they put it on their legs so they don't stand back up

and it's to park their camel. So you park your camel by putting the thing on their knees and then they use that as the thing to keep it on their head. And this't stand back up and it's to park their camel so you park your camel by putting the thing on their knees and then they use that as the thing to keep it on their head and this sounds horrifically horrendously racist

if that's not what it is but I learnt this off someone in Bahrain when I was doing gigs out there I don't think learning things off people in Bahrain

sounds racist not itself it sounds like multicultural it's more than that for me yeah the hat's just the thing that they use to keep camels

what do you mean they use it how do you mean so it's just like it's just a thing that they use to keep camels... What do you mean they use it? How do you mean? So it's just a circle of... Cloth? Oh, yeah. Yeah? And that's what they put on top of the head.

They keep the cloth on the head. Then they put it around the camel's leg. They put it around the camel's legs to keep the camels parked. Stop the camel just fucking wandering around. What are you telling me? When a camel's got a bit of cloth around its leg, it won't walk? Yeah, because it kneels down. And then it puts the cloth on there

imagine I kneel down now imagine I have the cloth around my head yeah I take it off but I've got opposable

thumbs camels haven't I don't think you're telling me you can park a camel you can park a camel

it's the handbrake for a camel I don't think this is racist but I don't know what the fuck it is but it's definitely

something camels think it's a camel not that I get it but I just don't you're saying a camel can't move

when you put a bit of cloth around its knee? Yeah, because it can't open its leg. Because it's like a Chinese finger trap. It's like an Arabic

camel trap. They're putting an Arabic camel trap on its knee, so the more it tries to stand up, the more it puts tension on the fabric that's around its knee.

But how does it just not fall off of its knee? Yeah. Well, because it's... Its leg must be stronger than a bit of cloth. It must tighten on. It must have, like, a little device, like a little...

Like you get an on key. Just like a... Are you sure it wasn't a camel that was just sitting down and he put a bit of cloth on his knee and said to you, that stops it moving? No, he was looking at it again.

He was like... I'm going to tell everyone. He was like, that'll make a good hat. Duel to your purpose. Put it against my taxes. So I was thinking I might wear a camel trap for my wedding. A dish dash. After that romantic story, I wouldn't see one up.

I'd wear a tartan dish dash. Not to my mum, not to my dad. What do you reckon? Look like a fucking ghost of Pac-Man. I told you he's getting married. I'll try to a dad. What do you reckon? Look like a fucking ghost off Pac-Man. I thought he was getting married or trying to park his camel. Don't call my fiancée that. I think you just did, effectively.

So, yeah, I'm going to... I'm going to wear a kilt. Do the Gay Gordons. We want to do Kaylee dancing. Aye. That's a bit of Scottish tradition. I'd like to bring it to the wedding. Do you want me to teach you on the podcast?

No music. Teach us now, yeah? Aye. Drop a beat, Kerry. Drop a beat while you teach us the Gare Gordons. I don't know what beat you want. Oh, just, you know, bagpipes. Oh, God, aye.

Oh, now I left them in me other jeans. Shit, I've forgot to pack them I knew I'd forgotten something the whole of this trip we could go into I'll go corner we're 20 minutes in

what just for that conversation we've just had we can move on to the game okay what do you want oh Kerry you should describe what a muggle is

exactly we'll do this we'll get the guests to describe what it is just to see what other people's take is on being a muggle muggles are people they are normal people and they are as normal as normal can get yes

muggles are proud of everything that they are they're proud of their accents they're proud of their hometown they're proud of not being they are. They're proud of their accents. They're proud of their hometown. They're proud of not being able to speak properly. Well, I think you said patriotism is Muggly, which it is. A patriotism? Yeah, definitely. They're proud of how dumb they are. They're proud. You know those beach scenes you see, which are like a photo,

and this only applies to British Muggles. You know a British beach, family beach, on one of those days where Britain's having a hot day where it's not even part of the summer, everyone on that beach is a muggle. Absolutely everyone. And every muggle family

has one expert who's good at putting up deck chairs. Oh, there's the... Yeah, Uncle Brian's here. The deck chair guy. The deck chair man. Oh, he's putting up the windbreak now. Uncle deck chair.

Yeah. So we actually, what you said there about the proud of being stupid we did put in Muggle Corner celebration of ignorance when like if say you posted a picture of you and Conor McGregor

and everyone's excited that you're with Conor McGregor and then someone posted on I don't even know who that is as if that was like a way of being like I don't even know who this person is

that you're all doting after and like well instead of celebrating your ignorance why don't you educate yourself on why everyone's excited about this person? Would you go with this one? Muggles can tell a five-star hotel room because there's a chocolate on the pillow. Indeed, if you put a chocolate on any pillow in any room,

they think they're in a five-star hotel room. I mean, where we're staying in Melbourne at the minute, you could put a chocolate on the pillow and I would be like, nah, we're still in squalor proving you're not a muggle for you, pass the test was that your first entry or was that just an example of I would say that's a muggle thing

possibly the chocolate, I might put in an entry of so hold on we're going to pass that we're going to pass around you we get two each even though we've just done a flurry of things that are muggly So hold on, we're going to pass that. We'll have to pass around to you. Yeah, because we're going to pass around. We get two each. Even though we've just done a flurry of things that are Muggly,

we're going to each try and... You're going to put it to us. I'll put one down now. We're going to have to agree. We're going to debate it, and then we're going to agree or disagree with it. All right, here's my one to agree or disagree with. Muggles watch Street Axe.

Oh, yeah. Yeah? Yeah, I mean... They love Street funny street acts for those who don't know all the same jokes that they all do and they watch it for the entirety yeah you know yeah because we're in melbourne festival so there's obviously a lot here uh we saw one the other day it was just uh i think i think it was like that was it yeah yeah there's some great ones you know how at the end of a Free Friends show, people will do a bucket speech at the end?

Even at the end of my gigs, I'll do a little, like I'm selling my DVDs at the end, and you'll do like a little sales pitch for the last like 30 seconds, 45 seconds at the end. I find when you see a street performer, they latisse the bucket speech into the whole hour or the whole duration of time that they're doing, and it's 90% begging

and then 10% of it's a silly little trick and that's why I'll never stop and watch it because I'm like I have been

hypnotised into giving them money and then they're going to do this little flurry and there's not many of them 10 minutes of

promises I would fucking love it I would probably stop and watch if I watched someone just fucking killing it

and then I would be like, shit, let's give them some money. But the fact that I'm just watching them trying to get money offers and then they'll do a little something. If anyone else did it, I'd go fucking mad. If it's like you go to the hairdresser

and he spends, he's going, I'm going to cut your hair any moment. Yeah. Here it comes. I'm really going to cut your hair now. I've got the scissors. I need more reaction.

I think that's the essence of what's muggly about it. The people that are buying into that. That's essentially what sex is though. I'm going to come. I'm going to come. Please, please stop. I need more reaction I think that's the essence of what's muggly about it the people that are buying that's the sense of what sex is though I'm gonna come I'm gonna come please

please stop definitely change positions any minute now I'm gonna go down on you to buy some time she said because I'm a fucking

shy guy I think that would be music to my ears I'd do it if a girl went, if my fiancée went. You just need to express that. Natalie, if you said, slow down, I'm going to come.

I don't want to come yet. Let us blow you for five minutes. I would come. Let us blow you for five minutes. I would come. You've got some of the lowest sex ambitions I've ever heard. What are some of your sex ambitions? Let's move on to some more. What would you like to achieve?

With Natalie. Who isn't? Well, the cat's away. Oh, I'm really trying to call myself a cat. Now, let's do this. Natalie, have you got your pen and paper out? She's busy licking her feather. That's what she does when she's horny.

Then she grabs her pen and writes down the notes. and she's horny and she grabs her pen and writes down the notes so yeah I think that is the essence of what's muggly about it is they're like oh I'm going to do this trick

in a minute and they're like oh what's it going to be and everyone's there like bought into the anticipation you say people that watch it though so it's not street performers are muggly

it's people that watch it yeah but the people that watch it appreciate all that they've not sussed out that the guys are always going to do that they're not bored of it either. Yeah, they're...

They love every bit of business. Yeah, they always forget the jokes like, this guy's so funny and the back is the same lines we all know they use. And they're not offended by being told

to applaud things. They love being told what to do. Otherwise, you don't know. You know when you have to pass by a street performance, like, there's so much

in me just going, don't bring me into your show like because they'll do that they'll get a passerby and start talking about the person that's passing by and I'm just like

I'm just trying to live let me pass by the situation without being part of the situation where's my fucking invisibility cloak yeah it's just

social intrusion yeah people that watch it I've definitely watched some because did you ever see Gamarjabat who oh yeah yeah they started off you're some Did you ever see Kamajabat? Who? Oh yeah, yeah, I saw them a bit late

They started off at You're not using real words Kamajabat Japanese Japanese mime guys Oh, okay Oh, I know the guys you mean Yeah, yeah, they're fucking

They're amazing You've made Kamajabat? Yeah, what did I say? I said fucking Issa Kamajabat Oh, I've not seen them in a long time And I'm also very high And you've also said the exact same thing Oh, racist So You seen them in a long time, but I'm also very high. He's also said the exact same thing. Oh, racist.

You're the ones that did the eyes. They used to be street performers. Yeah. And so that's where I first saw them. So I totally watched that, so that would make me a man. So, yeah. No, they're good.

They're pretty damn impressive, though. So you're saying shit ones then this is the same okay same jokes and isn't there like a fucking badass bagpipe player in fucking scotland that's now kicking around now and again he's doing like frop a fucking rock jams with his bagpipe really yeah he's pretty impressive right flames coming out his bagpipe and shit have a bit of that like that bit in the movie Mad Max that I fucking hate

so we're putting that in? I would totally 100% agree with that have we got one in? yeah so if you do that if you are guilty of any of these

muggle things stand in the corner for 30 fucking seconds can I ask as well do you have a nickname? I used to yeah I mean yeah

care for a while which never really like Kez for a long time Care Bear I bet you've had girlfriends that call you Care Bear Care Bear

Care in the community Scary Carey It used to be Kez because I was with the double act Kez and Jodie Street performers No we weren't

but we were a big magic show Shit hair don't care Why would you say that Daniel Look No we were But we were a big magic show Care Shithair don't care No I never No Why would you say that Daniel Look It's going to be a roast

At some point It's going to be nice The whole podcast I've got one The reason I was asking that Is because we've just Fucking self allocated Ourself's nicknames

On the podcast I think Care Bear It's got to be Care Bear Care Bear So we'll do Rich Masawa You're not happy with Care Bear Rich Masawa's got to

No I'm fine with Care Bear No you don't look happy With Care Bear You look like a sad Care Bear I Masawa's no I'm fine with Care Bear no you don't look happy with Care Bear you look like a sad Care Bear I'm not Carey doesn't nickname himself a lot naturally

yeah what was the other one what was the other name Kez Kez yeah that's because he looked good written down you know

it's because when he was you got called Kez because when he was in the double act he used to sit on his double act partner's wrist and he would fly off and then fly used to sit on his double act partner's wrist.

And he would fly off and then fly back and land on his... Well, she was called Jodie, right? It was Kez and Jodie, which is from that book, Kez. Kez, yeah. I think it's Jodie that kills Kez, isn't it? Oh, did she kill you? Yeah, nearly. So, yeah, my nickname in school was Weed, right? Because I was so skinny

so weed but then as we got older and we realised weed meant cannabis my friends stopped calling us weed because it was cooler than they thought it was

your name you became too lame for your name I didn't mean that right, by the way. That was great. I'm thrilled. I was expecting you to start dropping bars.

I thought that was just you getting into a bit of freestyle in there. I thought you were going to fucking lynches. So you're going to do a mogul card? Cream? Creamalicious? Where did Cream come from? Well. Tell him. He was almost as high as he is now.

I was almost, yeah, I was almost as high as I am now, and we were out in the park. Leasers Park in Newcastle, lying in the sun. Because it was a very sunny day, we had, like, cream and strawberries and, like, juice and holding hands and stuff. Strawberries didn't suit you. So you went with cream. End of story.

Essentially. So, like, we're lying there for about an hour we're there yeah yeah so it's just us two and then eventually the sun moves around

so much that the light then goes on to the cream and I just he just turns around and notices and goes oh no

the cream oh cream's in the sun and I just went yeah he is and just as if I just designated myself a nickname

did you just call yourself Cream and then it stuck then he just randomly called us Muggins and Cream you take on nicknames really easily

I do I do I make them for myself Muggles hate the word moist moist have you not

seen this have you never met a person in your life who whenever you see oh I hate the word moist moist have you never met a person in your life who whenever you say moist oh I hate the word moist grow up it's a word I've met so many in my time is it like if you call a cake moist well you're a muggle for doing that

unless it's a moist cake the other person hears the euphemism and then I hate the word moist unless it's a moist cake the other person hears the euphemism yeah and then I hate that word moist yeah it makes me think of wet vaginas

they shouldn't go around getting moist all the time well it makes them dry up doesn't it just as Daniel wets his lips do you think that kind of thing catches on and where

because that's the thing not to like the word moist other people go oh you're right okay that's what I think it is I think people like they notice little things

that other people that nobody can fact check that makes them interesting. You don't want to be a moist muggle, do you? No, definitely not. I'm a moist muggins. My favourite. I never get moist. Get hot. That's your motivation. Don't get moist, get hot.

You've got t-shirts made you'd be a lousy woman just there would be stiff flats but I'm being a great man I'm being a lous I'm being a loaded woman Imagine every time I got a hold of you You fucking semi-lob

I just started sweating I just got like this flaccid wet penis Come on ladies I wish you didn't ask me to imagine that That was unfair of you I'd say I think that is a thing though I think I think that is a muggle thing

yeah totally and I don't believe it's a thing I've heard it quite a lot is there any other words that make people go ugh like

is that why it makes them uncomfortable because it's vaguely sexual I don't know I've never understood it which is why it's muggley if I don't understand it

it's muggley that's the rules I don't know if I've come it Which is why It's muckly If I don't understand it It's muckly That's the rules I don't know if I've come across it before Mate I'll introduce you I'm going to start saying moist to people It's the first thing they tell you about themselves Ask an audience what words they don't like And you'll find moist comes up

Yeah can't do it tonight Yeah do it now Right guys Ask us Right guys what words do you not like Moist What about you I love the word moist

I hate you all muggle I hate your muggle. Cream's a muggle. 50% of the audience every time. Yeah. Half of people. Half of all people. Statistics, lad. Half of all people hate the word moist.

Half of you need to get in the corner. The top half. Right, everybody, no exceptions. Get your heads in the corner. Feet out of the corner. Right, so your heads in the corner Feet out of the corner Right so it's in the corner Totally great Good Go stand in the moist

If anyone's in the corner For not liking the word moist They hate this podcast I can't believe they got this far Because they've just heard the word moist A million times I've heard the word moist So many times now

It's not even a word anymore Moist Moist He's always saying moist word anymore. Moist. Moist, moist. He's always saying moist. No, that could be your nickname. Moist. I wouldn't like to be moist. Moist.

I'm a moist. Moist and cream. I'm cream. Yeah, that's you too. That's who I'm on the podcast with, me and my buddies. Kai and Moist and Cream. Don't ever introduce me as moist so I don't want to see half the audience walk out. But you want to see the other 200 that come in. Here, this guy's moist. Yeah, you want to see half the audience walk out. I hate that. You want to see the other 200 that come in?

Here, this guy's moist. Yeah, you want to see the half that get moist. Why is my audience full of big men? Right. Muggles pout? Oh, do they? Like, I've seen so many photos of people pouting, like Zoolander pout, like Duckface.

You can't see this on the podcast but I'm about to pout at Kerry how do you feel about this Kerry explain how you feel about this

it's all bad it's on I feel like getting out of the room really it's awful suddenly the whole podcast has become uncomfortable

and I feel like this is the one bit you should have warned me about no no this is my good angle this is really you want to see my good angle

do it again oh fuck no I'm definitely moist that is absolutely horrific to look at you two have both got really pouty lips

actually kiss me now Daniel Craig's got a big pout look yeah he pouts he's always doing that

James Bond James Bond pouter you wouldn't thinkouts James Bond James Bond Pouter You wouldn't think Of James Bond Licensed to pout Which one's the spy The one pouting over there

With a martini I'm pouting Into his martini I think he's just Been broken up with Either that Or he's sipping it Through a straw

Unless that's He has an imaginary Straw for his martini He's always pouting I don't know We're not getting Much out of this one, are we? It seems like it should be a deep well of good formula for a joke.

All right, we've got James Bond, we've got pouting. There are your ingredients. Go and make some magic. The James Bond pout corner is not going to become a regular on this show, is it? No. What else makes James Bond pout? I mean, I've been thinking in my head while I've been talking about things to go with 007, to do with pouting, and there's nothing.

Nothing. We'll edit it out like not even as bad as the duck face it's not the duck face one you're saying it's a smaller form of it is there a difference between pouting and duck face? I'm not sure it's a muggle thing though because surely that's the shape of the lips

well it's like people go oh the camera's on me let's do my pout face and they do this like kind of brooding like I'm looking mysterious and pouty but you're really

just looking shallow and pouty I can find in the next 30 seconds 50 pictures of your fiancee doing that yeah he could

Natalie Natalie pouts a lot which means it's not an ironic pout she really is being like moody and sexy she's just

she's just been sexy more often than other people you know pops a pout out now and again does it never turns off

nah I'll totally agree I fucking hate seeing it on the just comes up randomly I saw an old man

doing it the other day one of my friend's dads straight aye like a 50 an old man doing it the other day. One of my friend's dads. Straight? Aye. Like a 50-year-old man. Ha! Kerry's 50.

Was it me? Moist duck face. What do you mean you saw a 50-year-old man doing a pout? Oh, I can find it for you. You remember pouts you've seen? What, are you going

to go and get them? No, I mean on Facebook. Like, came into my feed and I'm just like, there's no age to be doing that but that's absolutely 100% not the fucking age. This is the most ageist thing I've been on Facebook Like Came into my feed And I'm just like There's no age to be doing that But that's absolutely 100% Not the fucking age This is the most ageist thing

I've ever heard You know I like to pout It's not for you You don't have to pout After a certain age Not pout Not pout for photos You can pout for emotions

But you don't get to pose Yeah Just play on you Grow up So many things Get restricted from you As you get older And now I find that pouts

Are on the list as well Well go fuck it right If you want to pout Go get I can fucking pout now I find that pouts are on the list as well. Well, go fuck it, right? If you want to pout, go get... I don't fucking pout whenever I want to pout. No, not boys. Fella. No. Tell me when I fucking pout.

Fella. And then not you, fellas. Guy. Yeah, 17-year-old girls are allowed to pout because they're allowed to make mistakes. So that's me blowing up and never getting laid. I'm allowed to make mistakes. I've never got laid.

What if you're pouting just about the fact that nature gave you lips that were too thick? That's a reason to pout, isn't it? Yeah. What if you're trying to pout because you didn't get thick lips?

Do you not like my pouting? No, you're pouting, wouldn't you? Your pout is awful. I hate it so much. It's barbaric. Sorry. You realise that pout is pouting in the corner?

I mean, I'm saying yes. You're saying no. I don't think so, no. Because I think it's the shape of the face and the lips. And I don't think it's... You don't think it's a go-to expression? I don't think it's a type of person thing. Because I've got a go-to expression when the camera's on where I go,

oh, you couldn't see that on the podcast, but I open my mouth and go wide-eyed. Like, ah, ah. That was such a good description of it, you didn't even need to do it. No. No, it's just for us. But some people, when the camera's on,

they're like, oh, I need to look as sexy as I can for this. Yeah, but that's because you don't have the option to look sexy, so you went for funny. Aw. Aw. This is a dawn on realisation when you find out something about yourself

at his age wait Poulton's not in the corner have you got to have three votes yeah I agree it's got to be all agree

it's my job I feel bad but I just don't it's my job to convince him I don't think I can he didn't he didn't he didn't

he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't

he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't

he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't

he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't

he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn't he didn don't think I pout. He didn't. He convinced me then. No, don't talk about this.

No, you can try and convince him. I'll just be over here pouting. I think people will agree though. Well, right in. You pouted when I told you about your spatula. Right from the fucking teenage pout. Oh, I'm sorry. I tried.

I'm always being told off so that was your one so it's your next one it's me? yeah okay oh go this one

muggles pretend to get electrocuted every time they touch a plug socket it's so muggly isn't it yeah it's so I'll do it every time they touch a plug socket. It's so muggly, isn't it? Yeah, it's so... I'll do it. It really is proper muggly. I feel like it's something a dad does

to make their seven-year-old laugh, because you've got to kind of stoop to that level, but then you'll get people doing it at adults. Yeah. And you're like, oh, what a muggle. It's one of those type of jokes that they know that they'll never

ever tire of the same as every time a siren goes by they go oh they're coming for you one of those ones isn't it fits in

yeah here he is here he is yeah yeah I yeah I've done something

like that the other day where like oh no I jumped in to scare someone like that I got up to look at something and I was like rah

I can't remember what it was like off Ace Ventura where he tells a story about getting bitten by a dog and then he looks at the leg

and if you look I've got the scar where I got bitten in my dream and he's like argh and that's a very similar thing isn't it

I always think it's a good one to do when you look into a pram and someone's babying they go and then vomit yeah

did you fuck a donkey so yeah anything like like dad joke physical dad jokes oh yeah yeah those type of ones where you just overly exaggerate trying to get the lid off the jar.

Just... Yeah. Yeah, carrying a box that you're pretending is heavy and then passing it to someone and it's like... Oh, they love that. Oh, that's their favourite joke. Yeah, that's... Seeing a baby being carried and saying,

I wish I could travel like that. Yeah. yeah that's seeing a baby being carried and saying I wish I could travel like that yeah that's that's in the same bracket as the you missed a bit we're cleaning the window yeah

that's your like yeah someone cleaning their car and going you can do mine if you like yeah it's your go to it's your go to joke

for that situation yes please yeah can I love cold do you know how many other cars I can clean I've cleaned this one twice

because I'd run out of cars it's just a passion project you missed a bit of the window cleaner and you're like yeah that's why I'm still here I wouldn't be down the ladder if there wasn't bits that I'd missed I hate that bit anyway shout out to Wayne Beeney

who's cleaning windows right now we've got a window cleaner who listens to the podcast and he loves it he actually gets antsy when it's late because he does his window cleaning shift

oh really and if we're late with the podcast he just has to listen to the bird noise oh we should dedicate that moment to him yeah just have

he cleans me mum and dad's windows and I worry that he pervs on me mum I don't worry I worry that I should make clothes the curtains mum and dad's windows and I worry that he pervs on me mum I don't worry I worry that I should make close the curtains now and again

and deprive him that fine ass I'm laying with that I'm dead I'm flipping it in the corner so hold on on this note

you've done a fucking great physical joke that we fought like on the ilk of this that we fought was an original Daniel Sl note, you've done a fucking great physical joke that we thought, like, on the ilk of this, that we thought was an original Daniel Sluss, but you've done it to Kerry, so it's a magic trick that you've done to Kerry, who was a magician. So Daniel, cream delicious, done a coin trick. Cream delicious?

No, when you're talking about magic, he's the great Cremo. no when you're talking about magic it's the great cream out so magic trick is to basically pretend make sure you can see the coin in my hand is not going to go anywhere I guess you just pick it up place it in my hand and put a napkin over the top of it and then I really really sell it in the

concentration and then you lift it up and you're just giving them the middle finger it's one of the funniest things in the world. And I loved it so much. And I really, really, I've probably seen it, but I was like, I'm pretty sure I came up with that naturally. It's a classic misdirection. They think the coin's going to be changed into something else. But when you remove the cloth from above your hand and they're expecting to see a different coin, you're just giving them the middle finger.

Tell them about how I destroyed your ego. Well, you told me I didn't invent it. Tell them about how I destroyed your ego. Well, you told me I didn't invent it. You told me that it was one of the oldest hackers of all hack in magician circles. But I'm not like the magician circles. Magicians aren't even allowed to join magic clubs if they don't know that one. It's the first thing you learn in every magic book, the very first bit.

But what was lovely was the build-up that went on for so long that I thought there's going to be some spectacular ending. So you did catch me with it. Only because I thought you would never do that. But when you actually held one finger up at me I think you may as well have been holding the finger up at yourself for doing it in the first place. Hey Kerry, do you know what took it to a new level? We went to the bar with a barmaid

Jo and done the trick on her so you revealed the middle finger and she isn't in magic circles like you and she'd seen it for the first time and reacted like she'd seen it for the first time like oh my god that's amazing and then daddy went but watch this Kai check your wallet

you didn't know where the coin went Kai check your wallet and I went in the wallet for a coin and pulled out one middle finger it's amazing though

that millions of magicians have done that but never thought of the extra touch yeah it's already gone beyond that I was saying that's what's good about it

if the magicians are used to it what you could have done is like say getting a coin the same coin like frozen into an ice cube and then when you open your hand after the middle finger it's in an ice cube so the magician thinks

that it's just a classic joke but then you do a little prestige at the end of it so you could adapt it to be your own so yeah that's the one I've done and I think that does fall into the category the same category of like physical stupid dad jokes that we all know. Yeah.

And all dad stuff does get into the corner, I find, because it is the height of mugglery, is being a dad. Yeah, isn't it? I've never met a dad that's not a muggle in, like, certain ways. Like, my dad's not a full muggle, but, like, you know the tendencies. Yeah. My mum are precariously close sometimes. But dads should be a bit muggly. Yeah. They should have dad jokes precariously close sometimes but dad should be a

bit muggly yeah they should have dad jokes they should have dad dance they should have dad things

I can't wait to do it well every time I do something muggly I worry about all the unprotected sex I had in 2012 in case I'm a dad how that takes a

long for the penny to drop you're just dead and it's like what the fuck have I made yeah I'm good. Go and throw that sweet up.

It's right in the game. I missed the old cream. So we can get off the podcast. Yeah, I'll put that one in the corner. You? Go. Huh?

Yeah, yeah. Okay, my one, and I saw this today, this sounds so fucking weird, but I was so offended. Saw a man eating ready salted crisps. Ready salted crisps? That's the one he picked up from the shop.

I get in the shop, I watch them pick up. Yeah, I think, you know what I think you may be right. Just ready salted. Yeah. With all the flavours available. Right. It's just. Because I see this, right.

It's the water of crisps. If I'm eating crisps, I'm having an indulgence, right? You're being a bit slobby. You're not getting any nutrition out of that. You're just buying crisps for enjoyment. It's all purpose of crisps is so you can enjoy yourself. You're not doing that for sustenance, right? So if you get really salted, like, if you're going to treat yourself,

why would you treat yourself to the plain thing? Yeah. I feel like I'm going to be like, I've not chocked in a month, I'm going to have a bounty. I quite like a bounty. do you yeah yeah i'm not going skiing but staying on the ground i'm going up on the lift but even then like that at all really even then peace life's good it's like it's like putting on a shoe but not actually putting it on it's like rubbing someone's shoulder without touching them ricky it's like combing your hair without a comb you've done well though rubbing someone's shoulder without touching them rakey

it's like combing your hair without a comb you've done well though do you think that about people that just have water what you say people that just drink water

why would you not produce it but water's like you need it it's good for you you don't need crisps I do it's the water

it's the water very solid crisps is the water of food if water wasn't good for you would you put vanilla ice cream in the same bracket then, do you think? Oh, but there's some really nice vanilla ones though, aren't there?

But even vanilla has a flavour. It would just be like having flavourless ice cream. Yeah, ice. Yeah, if you're eating ice... Plain crisps are sort of a flavour though, aren't they? Yeah. Pretty suited. Salt flavour.

They love salt. I don't know, I'm undecided about this one. I don't know, because if I was stoned one I don't know Because if it was stoned I probably wouldn't mind Yeah I'm not saying I've eaten them But like

This man bought them He bought That was his choice But they're the They're the main choice Right There's more very salted crisps In the world

Than any other type of crisp Right Whenever you see those crisps Someone has always bought them You know Even if they're Disavailable at the party They've been bought

You didn't know Because everyone buys them did you yeah it's so weird because whenever i threw parties i always wondered why they hadn't turned up to deliver them i thought they just heard about the party i was gonna have and they drop off the ready salted crisps those shaky little tesco sausage rolls um some salmon that folded around in olive you know the classics so what do you think if someone buys rich tea biscuits or even digestives do you think you're like if you can't buy a biscuit get a chocolate hobnob

well maybe you don't am I turning into Peter K so you just think buying the plain stuff yeah like if you it's that thing you said if you're going to

treat yourself treat yourself right if you can't love yourself how can anyone else love you stop loving yourself in public Yeah Sorry

Might be someone who just doesn't like Making decisions All these flameless But that is a decision Gotta do it You mean That plays a cop out though isn't it? Yeah it's just

Yeah So I'm not gonna make a decision Is that Muggle Corner? What do you think? You can say no Judas And I'll never vote in anything I'm not either

I think it's like I'm gonna say no I'm gonna say This podcast is bullshit We're just teaming up Like we did on Risk I know Oh

Right That was a hell of a game Who won again Me I can't remember Have you done yours Yeah I've got one more to go Right this is I mentioned this the other day Have you done yours? Yeah, I've got one more to go.

Right, this is a... I mentioned this the other day, but... Oh, no, it wasn't you. You said you had seen it. So there's Will Wash. But Kerry, you might have seen it. You might not have. But muggles get excited by sponsored links that target the person's name or birth month.

So it'll be like a hoodie that says, Marxists do it best. Or a hoodie that says, heroes are born it best. Or a hoodie that says, heroes are born in July. Because Facebook knows your birthday is July. So it'll try to market some clothes to you that are like, July babies love their parents.

Some shit. And everybody will go, that is me. I'm born in July and I do love my parents. I'm going to buy that hoodie. I get weirded out by what they it's all targeted right for some reason they think I've got a Harry Potter

obsession because every time there's one I'll just tag you with it because it's so muggle and now it's just think that's what I'm looking at so just constantly it's just fucking I'm looking at muggle shirts about muggles saying I'm not a fucking muggle

and it fucking terrifies me. How do they know? I'm just, I'm starting to believe in the Illuminati. Oh, hey, me and Kerry had a funny conversation and we're just getting high in the garden in Adelaide

and we're talking about how I'm getting a bit paranoid about my phone picking up. I think we've might have even talked about this before about my phone, me getting paranoid about the voice recognition on my phone. I'll be talking about wanting a Canada Goose jacket,

and then all of a sudden I'm being advertised about a Canada Goose jacket. We talk about Amsterdam, and now I'm getting off at hotels in Amsterdam, and it's things that I haven't typed in, but I've just said next to it. And I was like, oh, it's totally bullshit, but you can't frape people with it.

You can grab people's phone, and I grabbed my phone as an example, and I started just going like fucking sex dungeons and sex swings and gimp masks and fucking rusty iron dildo and paedophile ring

and touching children and I started like but then I realised that I was doing it to my phone as an example of what you could do to your mate's phone

if it was lying around not that you're going to get advertised to a paedophile ring that's what I was going to say but that's just where local paedophile ring come join every Sunday get advertised to a paedophile ring that's what I was going to say but that's just where we're at local paedophile ring come join every Sunday

I always felt like paedophile ring is the worst power on Captain Planet fire, earth, wind paedophile when did you say you always thought

that is that what you were always thinking when I was watching Captain Planet as a child as you've ever thought

I just wish that hero would come to my door so what were we talking about oh yeah the targeted

advertising where Facebook thinks it knows you throws something your way and go like fucking Humphries never cross a

Humphries oh god something like that never make a Humphries mad Humphries are loyal to the end and you see this hoodie and it's obviously

going to be the other person's second name so if his second name is fucking Macintosh and you're scrolling through and it's like never cross a Macintosh we're good people

but if you cross us we get angry oh yeah oh that is me I want to advertise that that's totally what the Macintosh clan are like

who's buying that because it's sponsored that's a company with money that's totally what the Macintosh clan are like who's buying that because it's sponsored that's a company with money, that's a company that's pushing it, they've got the software that's got the algorithm that's connected to Facebook to get it on your plate so some people are getting excited about that following the sponsored link and spending their hard earned money

on something that advertises a falsity about them so I've got a stipulation, but I'm guilty of it. So I got a Rick and Morty Christmas jumper for Christmas time. I fucking love Rick and Morty. And I bought that from one of those sponsored links. Oh, really?

Yeah, they totally marketed it to me and I was like, absolutely sold. Once in a while there's going to be the Christmas something you actually these aren't what I'm pulling up there was a Christmas jumper I would make Tyson on saying

Merry Christmas and they put the list in it it's fucking hilarious yeah like if someone's looking for a Christmas jumper

the muggles are wearing Christmas jumpers if it's directly to them yeah if it's something about your name or

your birthday that makes you think oh yeah that's me I'm going to buy that I saw I had one come up with Kerry is cool as a t-shirt yeah that they were doing and of course

the least cool thing to prove you're not cool would be to buy that t-shirt absolutely walk around with a t-shirt saying you are cool that's actually that that shirt is actually sold in public though that was the one that's a genuine advert i actually got advertised that people love the carrie is cool t-shirt that's'd love her to do your name people change their name to Kerry just to wear it well in that case

I'll definitely put that in yeah I say that's in yeah so as long as love here in their own names

just love it just as the selfie is the best invention that ever happened for a muggle so if you're guilty of any of these things go stand in the corner

for 30 seconds you're fucking muggles my one was muggles hate the word moist moist moist moist go stand in the moist corner you moist muggle fucking moist and say moist just say it get over it come on now and then the second one didn't get in which was ready solid crisps yeah yeah well you're too i've had in i don't know what did you put in great Rich Fitzgerald what did you say about your things I had

oh they pretend they electrocuted when they oh yeah the dad jokes physical dad jokes yeah and then

oh they watch street acts oh yeah we put that in and muggles don't pout apparently just fucking regular

people just go by them I don't agree I do think douchebags pout but yeah okay muggles get

excited muggles get excited by sponsored links that target their name or their birthday

right onto our favourite game perfect timing that jokes Katie do you want to go oh no we'll

lead you in start gentle aim it at someone aim it at one of us Katie your dad got kicked out of yoga class for leaving shit stains on the mat

your dad's not allowed to open windows because he always falls out Daniel, your dad brushes his teeth with the wrong end of the toothbrush because the other end's been up his arse Kai, your dad brushes his teeth with the wrong end of the toothbrush because the other end's been up his arse. Kai, your dad has an Uber account but not a driver's licence so he just gives nerds piggybacks everywhere. Kai, your dad shouts,

it's so true when he watches clowns because he does all those things. Kerry, your dad slept with his head under the pillow because of all the noise outside and he woke up with a mouthful of pound coins. Kerry, during sex, your dad tells your mum to use her inside voice. Daniel, your dad takes an hour to eat egg and toast soldiers because of the stories he creates gives a really ceremonial

send off into his mouth it's fucking epic Kerry if you mention walkies in front of your dad it was fucking epic it was good Kerry if you mention if you mention walkies in front of your dad he goes tits and starts running around the house

jumping on furniture running up and down the stairs he puts his own lead on you have to spell it for him but now he knows go for a walk he actually fetches me in the newspaper

Kerry and now he knows. Go for it, what? He actually fetches me in the newspaper. Kerry, your dad loves your mum so much that he finishes her sentences. In particular, her 25-year sentence for aggravated assault, where he was the victim. What a cut. Daniel, your dad keeps a snowman in the freezer that he's had since he was a child.

When it snows, he gets a gift. My extra strong shoulders. He wheels it back out. Daniel, your dad puts 20p on the pool table in the pub, and when it's his turn, he uses it for nap time. Kai, your dad yells at your mom's name during nightmares but your name during sex.

Kai, your dad's imaginary friend is himself 10 years older. That's why he thinks he's so clever. Lots of life advice can I just say you know when my dad shouts my mum's name

during nightmares he's lying there going Linda Linda did you hear about this Kerry in an altitude festival

people just go they're having a shouting out my mum's name really shouting out Linda random we've talked about it

on the podcast Daniel was shaking my head because I was explaining an in joke his worst thing that I do is that I tell people

about in jokes right okay but the podcast I ain't on it because we've done one in Albuquerque shout out Linda they're all idiots

can I everyone was shouting out Linda Linda it's because Barry Castanola did it at me mum and dad's house when they weren't in Barry was at me mum and dad's house right

he was pretending me mum was in and it was just me and and dad's house, right? He was pretending me mam was in. It was just me and him in the house and he's shouting up the stairs going, Linda! Linda! Good quote, Alan. Kerry. Your dad checks his watch before foreplay but never checks his breath after. Daniel your dad self tattooed

the word cunt on the outside of his lip and his explanation was he did it in the mirror and it was on the outside of his lip

in the mirror so he thought it would be in the inside of his lip in real life Kerry your dad

swallowed his tongue but he's alright because he's shutting out the next day what did he put it back on again yeah oh there it is he didn't say that

he didn't have a tongue your dad does Kai your dad does parkour at the skate park to pick up emo teenagers oh god he's not even good at it

he just runs up and down stairs. I think someone said walkies. Daniel, your dad wears his trousers up to his neck so he can save money on belts. He's like, you only need a child's belt to go around your neck. But he has to get someone else to put the belt on for him because his hands are in the trousers.

Daniel, your dad got his hands stuck in a condom machine in a pub toilet and hilarity ensued. Katie, oh, no way. Katie, your dad does origami and tells people he's a black belt in it he's real dangerous with a paper swan Kai your dad

drew a dick on his own forehead to try and make people think that he gets invited to parties yeah well your dad's on the pill your dad lies during sex but comes when he lies terrible poker player

your dad holds a lollipop by the lollipop and licks the stick lies during sex but comes when he lies. Terrible poker player. Your dad holds a lollipop by the lollipop and licks the stick. Then he complains that they all taste the same. Because the other man's been up his ass. Danny, your dad

goose steps on the treadmill. I think that's good exercise though I reckon so I mean goose step on the treadmill Good stretches too Yeah he's probably a winner Oh my god Oh my god I love this song

Absolute banger Screams Kai's dad As he recognises The sounds of balls Slapping against balls German techno Daniel your dad Failed to get a job Kai's dad as he recognises the sounds of balls slapping against balls. German Taino.

Daniel, your dad failed to get a job as a suicide bomber because they said he was overqualified. They said the job's not for a couple of weeks and we can't see you lasting that long. Ken, Kerry, your dad's got ladders in his tights from garden hopping. I think I'm out. I've got one more. Well, your dad wrote his name wrong in wet cement. When your dad blows into a balloon, he inflates.

Yeah, well, your dad doesn't take his shoes off when he goes on a bouncy castle and all of your mates went home from your birthday party covered in dog shit. Your dad's been learning to drink a glass of water from the opposite side in case he gets it as a forfeit. Your dad takes a trolley into the self-service checkout but he can never find the barcode on it.

Your dad went to the pub and bought everyone a drink, like as many as they want, until he ran out of money. He was celebrating he'd won the lottery, but it turned out he'd just seen that advert where they go, it's you. And that's over an hour. Your dad has the world record for counting sheep whilst not falling asleep.

He's got 300,000. He's trying to beat his own record. It took him weeks. Your dad's not scared of an apocalypse because he's already chosen a mannequin he gets on well with.

Your mum has affairs not because she's disloyal to your dad but she just forgets he exists. Your dad once forgot to let go of a firework and that's how he got

his hand up a dog's bum. That's what he told the police, but the police couldn't find any trace of the firework. But later on when they got his fist out, they did find the firework and it turned out he was telling the truth. Witnesses have seen him running all over the field. He didn't know you could let go of it.

He did it again the next year. Safe dog. It's always the same dog. Oh, my God. Right, shall we plug some stuff? No. Kelly, where are you on during the Melbourne Comedy Festival?

I'm doing a show called Britain's Favourite Man because I like to see myself I love the fact there's so many versions of Britain everything out here

like from Britain Britain this Britain that London thing and then muggles go I'm British they do good advertising

for your show Kai I'm at the sub club at 8.15 every night sweet and Kai and I am doing a show at the sub club at 8.15 every night. Sweet. Yeah. And Kai?

And I am doing a show at the sub club just before Kerry, so you can come and make a night of seeing me and Kerry. 7 o'clock for mine, then 8.15 for yours. Mine is my show

In Full Colour, which is, it's got awards. It's better than that show you did in black and white, where you were just in black and white

the whole way through. Yeah, no, right. Great tone. Low and hardy. Very old school. But I've been kind of putting new material in black and white, where you were just in black and white the whole way through. Yeah, no, right. Great tone. Lowland Hardy. Very old school. But I've been kind of putting new material in. I like the one you do in 3D. Kai in 3D.

That's next year. HD. IMAX. KaiMAX. Klaimax. Klaimax with KaiMAX at the IMAX. That's my new show. KaiMAX has got to be your last show.

So I've been putting new stories in about the proposal. So it'll be a different show to that one. And I'm on at the Taxi Riverside Federation Square every day at 7, 6pm Sundays. What's your show called this year? So... What? So... Yeah, what's it called?

This Old Skit. Dad! We ended on a muggle Yeah and if I hope you've enjoyed the podcast that we give you for free if you'd like to buy my show

it's only five pounds it's essentially buying me a pint and you get an hour of my comedy at www.kaihumphries.com slash shop and thank you to those

that have bought it already I hope you enjoyed it See you later Thank you