Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.30 Dog Ate My Homework

Episode Date: July 28, 2021

In a yarn that takes an entire podcast to spin Muggins uses his mother in law as an excuse for not having any dad jokes because she created a nexus event with a trampoline that resulted in MATTY having a catastrophic melt down. 

Good day losers Welcome to another episode of Slots and Humphreys on the road In today's episode I really wanted to talk about The Olympics because me and Cullen And Cara have actually been really enjoying The Olympics for the first time I didn't realise that it's kind of just

Like it's the best of the best competing And I've actually found myself getting into All the sports and really enjoyed it And I had some interesting opinions on that But unfortunately some of Cara's scummy mates were being scum. So we had to talk about that for a fucking hour. So here it is. Sloss and Humphreys on the road.

Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woo-hoo! Ha-ha-ha! They said it can't be done.

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aw, muggles. Accidental rim we in the same seats? That's hack Oh, muggles Accidental rem job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

Make sure my phone's on silent Oh, did you do that joke? Aye Oh, fuck I was driving I mean you also knew the podcast was today aye and I've had a very eventful weekend aye but you still like

you messaged me being like when should I come through for the podcast and I was like well I'm getting my vaccine today my second vaccine and you were like okay well I'll just come after that so you had all that time with knowledge in your head that you were doing

a podcast but do you know like do you know what's happened between since that text message and now yes I do

Tom Daly won his first gold medal did he yep he's never won a gold medal before

no wow I thought he was decorated so the reason he was big because I was the exact same like I woke up

this morning I was meant to be coming out to the fucking peloton to finally be late after a long trip away finally be getting back into shape

and I'm in my shorts yeah peloton diving board I'm in my shorts and my shirt I come in and Cara's just saying she's like

Tom Daley just won his first gold medal and I'm like but he's won loads of gold medals she's like no only ever bronzes but it was because he was young when he won gold medal and I'm like but he's won loads of gold medals she's like no only ever bronzes

but it was because he was young when he won them and we all got excited but he's never actually won anything more than a bronze so he did it in the synchronised diving

and the commentator was excellent I've no idea who the fuck it was well the synchronised commentator two commentators commentating on each of them just saying the exact same thing

yeah and you can watch what their scores are on BBC2 it's actually on Red Button that's a different competition that's the Olympics for

for commentating and the only people that normally don't get judged as the commentators of that otherwise I mean now you're just breaking so many walls at that point

so I yeah I've not tuned in to the Olympics yet just because again I've been too busy to do dad jokes. I haven't had time for the Olympics just yet. But before we get into the Nexus event, there was a Nexus event in my life that went from

me wife's mum turning up at me house with a scalpel and a sledgehammer. Ah, the old Omani circumcision. I honestly thought they would have got past that tradition now, but it's nice to know that mummy bar gives it a lot of commensurate age. And dear

listener, whatever you're picturing, correct. It's exactly how they do it. So on Thursday Mummy Bar turned up With a Stanley knife and a sledgehammer And by Sunday One of my Geordie mates was in therapy I hope it's mine

I'm not going to use any names But let's just for the sake of this Say Matty So this is what Matty did But before it got to this but let's just for the sake of this say Matty so Matty this is what Matty did this is what Matty did right but before it got to this

Nexus event where the timeline changed right we got back off tour and I was like bye Daniel I'll see you at the podcast

on Monday and then I drove back from I dropped you off at Edinburgh yes and then took the hire car to Glasgow yeah

and then said Natalie can you can you take me can you pick me up from the airport because I've got to drop the hire car to Glasgow and then said Natalie can you pick me up from the airport because I've got to drop the hire car off at the airport and she was like I've got work and I was like well could your mum and she was like oh my mum's got this thing with a sledgehammer on it

she's really it's her new thing she's very excited about it I think it's some sort of street performance but she does say it's medical I think it might be new thing she's very excited about it I think it's some sort of street performance but she does say it's medical I think it might be both so right she goes my mam's just recently

picked me up from the airport so I don't think it's fair I was like in my head I'm like we'll literally live 10 minutes from the airport man it's not that it's not that big a deal

mummy bar is so fucking helpful she would not bat an eyelid and have been asked twice in one week to get at the airport right so I was like ah cool like I don't know you'll the airport, right? So I was like, oh, cool. Like, I don't know.

You'll know how better than me, right? I was like, what about your brother? And she was like, oh, it's just a bit much to ask. I'm like, he's literally lived 10 minutes from the fucking airport. Get on here, right? So Natalie's like, the only way I can do it is before work, but we'll have to get up at six. And I was like, oh, yeah, I was getting back at like one, two in the morning.

Right? And I'm like, fine. I'll get up at six. I'll drop the car off and then I'll have the whole day'm like fine I'll get up at six I'll drop the car off and then I'll have the whole day alright so I get up at six oh yeah

because you wouldn't go back to bed after that would you because you would just sleep because you don't nap you would just sleep for eight hours I would just that would be me

just having a night you know I sleep for like I think that's such a fucking wild way to live because if you wake me up like if I get anything like six or seven hours sleep

all I am doing is going, when am I getting that three hours during the fucking day? Because I will not go a day without my... Getting up's the hard part. So once I'm up, I'm not going to put myself through that again. Getting back to sleep's the easy part. I can't deal with getting up twice in one day. Getting up once in a day is so hard.

Well, don't get dressed the first time. I've got to drop off a haircut. Oh, yeah. What, to who's sexed? It's not a fucking Rolls Royce. So that's it. That's it. getting up once in the day is so hard but don't get dressed the first time I've got to drop off a haircut oh yeah what do who's sexed it's not a fucking Rolls Royce so that's it that's it

that's it right I wore cloth shorts and just a little t-shirt right shorts and t-shirts six in the morning right

thanks for saying little t-shirt as well cloth shorts and a little t-shirt little t-shirt yeah I was just saying how I am now Daniel

but it wasn't the heat of the day it was six o'clock in the morning and even though it's the summer, we're in Scotland now. We're not in Kansas anymore. Right. So we'll get up at six. And Natalie's like,

making us a packed lunch, making us a coffee. And I'm like, this is fucking overkill for a little 10 minute drive to the airport. It's like, right. So I'm like,

I get my coffee off and I get the thing. And I was like, right, I'm going to get petrol first. So I swear I said I'll meet you at the petrol station. I might not have. It's the morning. I'm terrible in the morning.

I was not there for this story. I guarantee you didn't. I believe Natalie. So do I. I believe Natalie that I was just like, I told her I was going to the petrol station. I think I just assumed that meant let's convoy. So I get to the petrol station. I put convoy right so I get the petrol station

I put petrol in and I phone Natalie and just like have you left the house yet because I've finished putting the petrol in she's like oh no I'm already on my way

so I'll just see you there I was like bastard I need it another way like I left my phone because you know the sat nav was the phone and the connectors and everything

we need the connectors because it's a higher car I took like all the connectors out and everything so I didn't want to like I had to like work my way there with the phone like on my lap which i don't like doing but i was like whatever i'm not in convoy i get the fucking i get the hire car at glasgow and i fucking took ages trying to find the key drop because the fucking guy that was the only person that was

there was sweeping it wasn't open yet and he kept fucking sending us in the wrong direction and i'll have to get it i'll eventually fucking dropped the keys I spent like 10 minutes putting petrol in 10 minutes putting the thing and Natalie still wasn't there and I rang her and I was just like are you not meeting us

at the DHL car park because that's the bit where you can pick people for free without paying the short stay stuff and she was like DHL in Edinburgh

Edinburgh she was like I've just passed Falkirk because I'd spent time stalling so she's like I've just passed Falkirk because I'd spent time stalling so she's getting 20 minutes away

from Edinburgh airport by the time I ran she was driving to Edinburgh airport oh no wonder

she didn't think her mum could do it because her mum had just picked her up from Edinburgh airport recently so twice in one weekend

Edinburgh and back oh man I was like why would I be recently? So twice in one weekend Edinburgh and back? Oh no. Oh man. I was like, why would I be going Edinburgh? I'm actually not on that list. Why on earth would you be dropping it off? Is it the excuse because I picked up the car despite the fact that we fucking picked it up in London? So get this.

Get this, right? So when I said the airport, right? I didn't think I said Edinburgh Airport. Also, yeah, yeah, yeah. But also, when you live 10 minutes from an airport, you don't have to specify which airport. I definitely just said the airport. And if the word Edinburgh was in the conversation,

it was like, I'm dropping Danny off at Edinburgh, and then I'm driving back, and then I need you to take us from the airport. So the fact is, that sentence possibly had the word Edinburgh in it. Yeah. Right? Which, this is just all failure of communication

between me and my wife. This is just me and my wife needing to work on my marriage. That's all it is. Nothing more. Just, we need marriage counselling. So, I'm trying to blame her on the phone and she's trying to like blame her

on the phone and she's trying to blame me and it gets a little bit heated on my phone and then she comes back right

she doubles back turns around in my car as well you hate this about my car you can't change the sat nav when you're driving

because you shouldn't be touching the screen when you're driving and it means you have to fucking pull out you're on the motorway and you have to pull out. It's the worst feature. Like, if you design a car, if you work for Audi,

you are the worst people in the world. Like, you're driving the car, oh, I need to change my destination, so, oh, passenger, we've gone to the wrong place. Or passenger goes, oh, in fact, can you actually drop me off at my friend's house instead of all the way home, which is easier for me? And you go, certainly, passenger, I can.

Can you please type in the address Audi's like well well clearly the driver's doing that despite the fact that we made a vehicle that seats five fucking people we can only fathom that one lacklustre moron

would go you've got the technology to know there's a person in that seat if the belt's undone you fucking squeaky bastard it screams at you if there's a passenger in with a belt the belt's undone you fucking squeaky bastard it screams at you if there's a passenger in with a belt undone

so the technology's there to say there's somebody in that seat that's most likely operating even on fucking Pokemon Go right when you're driving around in Pokemon Go

right and your friends when your friends in the passenger seat Pokemon Go can tell you how fast you're going it's like you're clearly in a fucking car

while doing this but you can just click I'm a passenger. Pokemon Go can tell how fast you're going. You're clearly in a fucking car while doing this, but you can just click, I'm a passenger. Even Pokemon Go has that motherfucking option, Audi. Shame on you. Shame on you. Bad car maker. Bad. It's really naughty. Also, stop

with, right, stop with button ignitions. I'm bored of this. And also, button parking. There was nothing difficult about handbraking. The handbrake and the ignition. Too flawless was the technology. I'm not being stuck in my ways here. But you know what?

When you turn the ignition on, you know where the keys are. You put it in the key thing. You can never leave your car without turning the car off. Even use the same technology as the button, right? But just let we put a key in and turn on the key, presses the button. Yeah. And then we let go of the key and it's in the position and the button's being pressed. I do not need to feel like I'm in a fucking rocket ship.

I'm in a Peugeot. I know what I am. Okay. No, but I'm like, it's like I'm on my way to the moon. And I keep forgetting to knock it off now on my way to the moon and I keep forgetting to knock it off now I've done the whole half a word podcast

in the hire car right a three hour podcast or something and I come back out and my fucking car was boiling it had just been

taking an hour it's just so I hate it so much some things they've just made worse I took the key out with us I took the key into the building with us

to do the part I'd come back out the engine had been running the whole time Tesla's good how's that a thing you fucking you should be taking the key out with us I took the key into the building with us to do the part come back out the engine had been running the whole time Tesla's good how's that a thing you fucking you should be taking the key out

and then this car stops yeah alright well that's what the Tesla does the second you go out of fucking distance it's like he's not in the fucking car he's pissed off

that's not him he'll be back soon but then I done that to you I left you in the car and took the car key with us and then the alarm went off when you were in the car which is my nightmare of all nightmares left you in the car, and took the car key with us, and then the alarm went off, when you were in the car, which is my nightmare,

of all my years, just being in the car, with no key, no with an alarm going off, man, like as always, I hate any type of, fucking alarms,

like if you want to, torture information out of me, just have a beep, every four seconds, and I guarantee, you'll crack within a minute, like I, and I hate being responsible

you know when I've been sleeping on someone's couch when they've got a ticking clock in the living room aye I also hate being responsible for fucking noise

like that's why man I hate yappy book dogs and I would never have a fucking yappy dog at all right

because my dog's my responsibility and it's going to shut the fuck up and it's not going to ruin somebody's day just because I'm a bad fucking owner

so being in a being in a car while the alarm's going off and not being able to do anything oh my god like oh i'm into a ball of anxiety at the fucking i don't think i'd ever recover so natalie couldn't change the satnav so she turns around because like she had to basically just take a long way and like get back to where she knew she was

and then take the journey there rather than the quickest route so like I was waiting for a little while for her to get back and what time did she arrive at Dundee airport

so I'm in Glasgow airport walking around in my fucking shorts and t-shirt in the morning like I'm just getting back from Tenerife and forgot my luggage

oh no easy jet loss you're like let's go like no notice of something you lost

you're like good old easy jet so the cops fucking pull out and ask again you look a bit lost there

mate because I was a bit lost I was looking for my wife I was like I'm looking for my wife

six o'clock in the morning and I just explained it there I was like fucking yeah last went to Edinburgh airport I'm just I'm just dropped off wife at six o'clock in the morning and I just explained it there I was like fucking yeah last night at the airport

I'm just I'm just dropping off the hair car and they were all fine with us but I was just left twiddling my thumbs for a bit and in the time we took Natalie to come back and pick us up

she'd fucking found a sense of humour about it she was laughing at us stood there she was like man I've just been thinking about it there's so many warning signs that were what

had my way as crossed like she was like, she was going, I made you a packed lunch. She goes, I said we've got to get up at six because it's going to take hours. I was like, oh, I thought you were just, like, hyperbole. I thought you knew the

morning traffic better than me. And she was like, and convoying from better than me yeah and she was like and convoying from the airport as well she's like you like go to Danny's from our house

all the time and he lives right next to the airport right and I'm like yep and also Danny lives right

next to the airport he would have just dropped it off there's a warning sign on your side yeah why the fuck would I drop Danny

off at Edinburgh drive all the way back for a fucking four hour nap and then convoy with you to danny's house again to ditch the car and this is this is where there you know how i was saying you guys have got a caricature of how retarded i am natalie's got a caricature of how mean you are in her head. Why? She thought you were just being mean. She thought like, I just thought like, you know how Danny can sometimes get,

I thought he'd be like, I'm not dropping the hair car off. I've never been like that. I've never been like that before. You can be cranky, and you can be like, oh God, I've got to do it. I've got to, right?

And you do like, oh, people are doing things do it I've got to right and you do like a lot of people doing things for you but I'm like that's a caricature of how mean Danny is I don't like people doing other things

people do other things for me because I'm famous and important it's and I'm like even though I do I do like do a bit of heavy lifting

with the tour because fucking it's like I'm working we are on the tour so I'll do like the sound check I'll pick up the

hair cars and stuff that right I'm technically tour manager I'm technically tour manager at the minute because fucking it's like you know I'm working we are on the tour so I'll do like the sound check I'll pick up the hair cars and stuff that right I'm technically tour manager I'm technically tour manager at the minute because fucking we've been playing with the shoestring budget aye

so I'm not paying anyone else that's what you get well I can pay Kai the exact same amount the exact same amount you can do twice the work half actually I'm getting half

but I'm sure I'll come back and run I'm just happy to be working you know tell you one thing like I wouldn't have fucking

dropped the hair car off two way two way I wouldn't mate it would have been outright

disrespect even if you fucking tried to pull that one I would have been like do you think

it's subordination for me to tell you to fuck off here because we're we're mates yeah and as I've said before I'm out open for you

but you're my customer you're buying my product here I know my worth and it's more than this and it's more than this so Natalie had like let that alarm bell slide

instead of just having a conversation like does Danny not just want to drop it off Like No Because especially how like We came up the west coast And all it would have been

So much fucking easier Way easier To drop me off 100% Because that was Yeah that was the route We had to come off To get to Edinburgh

To fucking drive it So she took it really well Right Took it on the chain The next day Right The next day Hold on

I also think I did even offer To drop off at Glasgow 1 Because I could have got a car I might have even done that But then you were like And even if I also think I did even offer to drop off at Glasgow 1 because I could have got a car I might have even done that but then you were like and even if I had like I would have just like stayed over at yours

dropped it off and had Natalie pick us up aye rather than fucking zig zagging at me I'm back on team Kai Natalie stick his picture I'm back on

here we go Natalie you dumb bitch look there was many an alarm bell on both sides and all the way back we were just laughing as we remembered different alarm bells where we could have had a conversation about it.

Aye. It is mad that at no point... Yeah, even I picked up on the one being like, oh, that's why. It was definitely outrageous. Getting us up at six in the morning, mate. We did that, mate. Like, before, I honestly thought it was like,

we couldn't possibly ask my mother, who lives five minutes away, to drop you off at an airport ten minutes away at 9am. That would be, she's done enough for us this week. 11 was the latest it hit me, just before 11. Woman's retired, she just wants to help. Natalie's like, I couldn't ask her to do that. She's done enough for us this week.

Compared to, there's no way we can ask my mum to wake up at 6am to drive through in the morning to pick you up from Edinburgh. That's fair. That's high. Yeah, so from her side, it made sense. From my side, that was an alarm bell. I should have picked up that one had cross-purposes. Yeah.

But there were so many of them. And we just laughed about it all the way through. We're like, fuck it, I've just woken Natalie up at 6 o'clock in the morning and sent her to Edinburgh, right? Get away with that. That did. And then the next day, right, Natalie was like, I was doing my Twitch stream.

I was like, I finished my Twitch stream at 1. Do you want to do it at 1? She was like, oh, I've got meetings from 1, so I'll let it be at 12 or whatever. So what happened is she put she sent us a text saying the salmon's going to be

nine minutes and there's noodles on the hob they're done or whatever right and I looked and it was like 11 minutes

you know when you get the notifications on your phone it was 11 minutes ago it says your salmon's going to be ready in nine minutes right I was like

oh fuck I went and I got the two thingies of salmon the noodles there she put some fucking veg on and all that and I enjoyed my dinner and then got the two thingies of salmon the noodles there she put some fucking veg on and all that and I enjoyed my dinner and then I began to play Call of Duty with Matty and Elliot

and at about three o'clock Natalie came down and went I'm starving should we have our dinner now? She meant if I opened the text messages If I opened the text messages I would have read, if you're eating it straight away, portion me some up

and I'll just have it when I finish my meetings. Aye. Right? Or you can wait until then and have it with me. Aye. If I'd opened it,

I would have seen that. Instead, I'd just had all of it. So, I had my friends coming and all that right so I had to go and get some booze from the shop and everything anyway

and what I went and done while I was at the shop because Natalie just made herself like a peanut butter bagel because we didn't have much in right so when I was at the shop getting like booze

and snacks from my mates coming I got the exact same items and made the exact same meals so that when she come back she had the same meals so I was kind of fucking redeeming myself and she was laughing about that

because she was like oh fucking it's a full moon like I'm not going to get worked up about anything even if I feel like I should get worked up

about it I'll just let it pass I'll reflect on it that makes me so angry what that's just willing to just notice because it's a fucking

no what do you mean notice there's nothing to notice there's nothing to notice that's not being self aware that's don't pretend oh she's being so self-aware

that she knows that the fucking full moon is going to how is a comedian can you how is a comedian can he not see

the fucking cause and effect of full moon and just go I can't explain it but fucking crowds are micey city centres are micey

nah like fucking the full moon has definitely got some shit going on with it your dad rationalised it before

we're 70% waters no no he debunked that one he said that we're not big enough a body of water for it to affect our tides as people to move our chemicals

because I thought it was like a tidal thing but like with us being water his reckons it's more primal than that and it's because you're either hunting

or hunted when there's a full moon because you can see at night so there's still a party that switches on primal than that and it's because you're either hunting or hunted when there's a full moon because you can see at night so there's still a part of you that switches on primal fight or flight mode so you're living with fight or flight mode during the time of a full moon. That's your dad's theory on it.

But is Natalie's theory or has it been a full moon that theory or is it because Mercury was also in retrograde or whatever the fuck it is? She's like I don't know what it is I just know I'm different It's not like a recent thing to be noticed the etymology

of lunatic comes from Luna Oh well back when people didn't know science That must be true I feel like as much as I'll fucking put star signs in Muggle Corner and I'll talk to the hocus pocus about fucking Reiki and all that

I'm like oh but how much have I got to notice this occurrence before I can I can't explain it but something's going on it's like home advantage all the evidence points to the fact that you know it is true despite the fact that there's no reason why it should be true so I would probably be quiet about the fact that, you know, it is true, despite the fact that there's no reason why it should be true.

So I would probably be quiet about the fact that I recognise that behaviours seem to change when there's a full moon, right? But Natalie's a very outwardly spoken full mooner. She's a flat mooner. So she's like, oh, there's a full moon. And then

one of our other little based on nothing things was, oh, and things come in threes as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But in the rule of three, it's stand up, absolutely. Mate, I wish she hadn't been so fucking correct that there was a third thing coming. Because there was a Nexus event that started with Natalie's mom turning up with a sledgehammer and a scalpel.

She always would have found a little thing. Oh, she didn't need to find it. It turned up at our door. Right. So this is the chain of events. I'll try and skim through it because

I've already spoken to you about it in length. Yes. I've got all the juicy, juicy details. Right. So much so that such juicy details that you came in

and me and Cullen watching the Olympics and we paused it because we were ready for the story and then you started and I was like

no no no Cara's not here yet so I text her she was like fuck it with the shower and literally got dry you wouldn't let us talk about the event

no no like Cara because we'd been we'd heard rumours of this story like you know when something happens over a weekend you just get a feeling something happened

no but you get like in your group chat somebody goes this thing's happened here's like 10% of the information it's like the way the fucking Americans do next time on I'd put a couple of like key moments in the whatsapp chat right

but it's like it's literally a fucking one-hour conversation to unpack the whole thing, right? It's still not fully unpacked yet. So it started where Natalie's mom and Kat's mom, who are totally oblivious to what they've created. It was nothing to do with intentionally, but this is literally just, you know, when you trace something back to the first domino

and it's something completely different to what happens. We've got a trampoline in the garden that came with the house. We don't want it. It looks all right. It's fun. It's got a novelty to it

where people go, oh, you've got a trampoline. Bounce on it once and then don't do it again. If people bring their kids around, I probably, oh, you've got a trampoline, bounce on it once and then don't do it again. If people bring their kids around, I probably wouldn't want their kids on the trampoline because it's up against a pebble-dash wall. Most have safety cages.

This is up against the tap and electric plugs and a pebble-dash wall and a window with a windowsill. Instead of getting rid of the trampoline, did you ever consider being less selfish and then instead of building a deck and a crosshead, building it upwards and just lots of Velcro and then any kids that come round? You could just...

Ah, you could paint a big car and go on it. Oh, so you could trampoline, Velcro wall. Everyone has a nice time. Oh, yeah. And then a flower bed underneath or just a mattress so it doesn't hurt when it falls down. But that's a great way. You know when

your friends kids are pissing you off because your friends kids are you know shit because your

friends are shit because you haven't played that big a part in raising them like those how good would it be if he

could just oh do you want to go to the trampoline but don't boo I mean did

you didn't have a younger brother do you did you be up to yeah she was six years younger than me so she was

probably like wait oh yeah fucking fucking absolutely dead Matthew and Jeff was class they just like being thrown around aye it's good but yeah

so even when people's kids come around it's not it's not like that kid friendly I don't know if the previous one I used it like for exercise or something it looks kind of novel it's fun

like people always comment on it, but it's six months in reuse, and I'm like, we're never using this. It's the garden's south face, and that's a sun trap. That's the bit of the garden that gets the most sun.

Occasionally, I'd lay on it, but it's a bit odd. I even one time done a seat drop, and underneath it had pooled with water, and because it's a porous film, the trampoline, right? I submerged me full legs

and arse in bin juice water and then came back up I was just having a drink with Nelson actually it was after one of the podcasts I was like we've got a trampoline

and I just come up just black wet I was like you can't even use it as a trampoline you can't even use it as a trampoline I think all that happened

that you were like oh because imagine that I'doline man I think all that happened because imagine that frozen when you've done that oh I've jumped on it when it's been snow on it because it's classic because the snow stays put

but like the trampoline guy's doing it and then when it comes back up it springs it up while you go down and it's fucking makes like a nice visual display

so I've had my fun with it it's just time to go on right so we've been in this limbo we've got everything sorted With the hoose Apart from the fact

That we've got this trampoline That's just Weird Aye And Natalie's mum And her best friend These two retired old ladies Just took it upon themselves

That they were going to Get the trampoline out And Natalie was like I said Natalie We need to Have a plan first Of what we're going to do Otherwise we're just going to

Be left with a hole Aye And Natalie was like oh when these when these two D.I.s get something in their head there's no stopping them I'm powerless to stop them and plus

I kind of want to see what happens because I don't think they can do it right and they just come in sledgehammer scalpel

fucking just managed to get it out thank god she had those things just after her recent surgeries huh nothing yeah from the circumcisions.

Flirted like fuck with a workman who was felt in a garage roof for the opposite neighbour, right? I listened to them. I was pretending they worked in other rooms so I didn't have to join in. Like a real man. Like a real man. I was Damien Combs. Nah, because everybody does them in July.

So they flirted with him and they managed to get him to come do some of the stuff I should have been doing on the neighbour's dollar, which is cool. And then I think they blunted one of his tools and gave him some money. That's nice. So they just had a good day.

I was calling them the chuckle mothers because that's very funny. I mean, it scans. It scans. And then they had a good time. They left and now we've got this massive hole in the garden

that we don't know what we're going to deal with. Swimming pool. You could put a hot tub in it but Natalie doesn't want an outdoor bath that's not going

to get used. I would use it I reckon. But she's like take a bit of me in and probably not get used be just as novel i reckon but just like take a bit of maintenance probably not get used to be just as novel as a trampoline and then like we could maybe have like an allotment there we could maybe it's filled up with soil decent veg and all that right we don't know what

we're going to do with this holes when i'm telling you we'll i had this guy come over and i know ball pit uses a ball pit that'd be good you'd have to have a cover on it like it would pull because otherwise bugs and again but i mean I mean it would I don't know. Ball pit would be great. So Deep ball pit but two Pretty deep

dive in it or just like Scrooge McDuck fill it with coins. Aye. He would it's amazing that he did not break his neck.

I know. That's like pretty fucking skillful to dive into coins in Penetrated I mean I would

I just the fact that it's a smaller move of him to not get it in notes just to show how fucking hard he is like you can jump

from his height into a pile of like paper money loose notes that have been put in loosely yeah not having been stacked like wedge

and I'm not saying at all fucking cushion your fall like a trampoline will but it'll be way better than if it was just stacked notes but

go for that like a smaller denate denomination Tom what's the word denomination thank you

denomination smaller denomination of a harder substance I think that was that was his true display of power what was he in the business of that made him deal in coins? Oh, I think he just emptied the vending machines.

Is he in the Scrooge McDuck? Scrooge McDuck's in the vending machine game. He buys his own independent ones, leaves them outside of local swimming pools and discotheques and bibliothèques. Bibliothèques? Is that a library? Aye, it's a universal business. Me, Glenn Wool and Paul Meyerhog

got drunk once and we coined the term Scrooge McDuckin on having a pot noodle in the bath. There's a leg two for one. Scrooge McDuckin just sounds like whizzing the... So you just pour your pot't there a so you just

you just pour your pot noodles into the bath and just like dive in and have some pot noodle while you're bathing it's called Scrooge McDuckin

isn't there a what's a isn't like a turducken that fucking horrible thing they try to do on Christmas and

Thanksgiving in America when it's a turkey a duck and a I don't know a high ducking is when you like throw a fireball

at your company well if you're throwing a high duck and you're turducken a fireball it would be a well if you're throwing a high ducking you're turducken and that's what I call Christmas what is the fucking turducken

yeah tur oh yeah the chicken a duck and a turkey obviously that's what so Scrooge

ducking just sticks like a him and Ebenezer Scrooge so the ladies they done what

they came to do fucking left full of self pride they nailed their little task and me and Natalie got the numbers of a builder

me and Natalie were just left with a hole and em you know what we spoke in your heart we got a guy run man and em

he come run to tell how much it would cost to fill the hole and like get a patio give what options right and he's a he's an Irish guy

and I try not to discriminate right but you're gonna but I even if he didn't have an Irish accent and now I was gonna get ripped off of him

and it was like it was really hard thinking to this guy oh this guy's a traveller and he's gonna try and rob us it was really hard not to do that but I think that's what

was happening so that's like you don't want to not discriminate someone but also end up getting fleeced happening so that's like you don't want to not discriminate someone but also end up getting fleeced because anyway that's a worst case

scenario because then it'll just confirm your biases and that's the last thing you need so I'm there like fucking like torn between

being woke and being right being right but mate like he was fucking trying to charge us in the region

he was fucking trying to like susuit how much we had before he even spoke about money. Fucking Natalie was leading the way, so the photo had loads. Let me tack, man.

You think we've got an out? He was fucking trying to like tack 10 grand for a patio the size of a fucking thingy. And then he started talking about getting my gut ass done and all that and started pricing up jobs around my house. And we're just like, it was during the football, it was while the trampoline was still in and everything, right? And we just fucking couldn't get rid of him.

We couldn't get rid of this guy. And we're trying to pacify him and we're just trying to get like honest prices. He keeps showing us pictures on his phone and all that, right? So we're left with this hole. Yeah, just buy us, he's Googled. It could well have been. He's like, look, that's a patio, that's a patio.

And he was like, the cheapest one you'll get will be about four grand and it's these stones you know how it was it was fucking stones that you get just on the pavement who'd say the shops and that just like you know

council pavement so I was just like fucking I still don't know what we're going to do with this hole or how much it's going to be right

but the night after my friends come around they're staying for one night right this is like a friend who I'm not going to name, so we're going to call him Matty.

But it's not Matty. Wink, wink. So fucking Matty is ruined. And there's four of me mates, two couples, right? And me and Natalie. And we just had the best night. We're fucking singing karaoke,

we're drinking. Because we've been at my gig as well so we've been out and in so we had like we had the comedy we had some day drinking outside we had the party back

we were meant to get a takeaway but we just decided that we'd gone out for breakfast and used the breakfast items to make a midnight breakfast Michelle's a mint cook and she made loads of pancakes

so we had pancake stacks and bacon and we're just fucking having a good time singing karaoke we're fucking we've ended up like peeling off one by one

going to bed and then I woke up the next day just like last night was mint just what we needed like hadn't seen them in ages

and then decided to go out for breakfast and we went to Shawlins and it's just sunny and it's nice and we've got fucking bloody marys

Shawlins is part of Glasgow yes it's just it's not Shawlins is part of Glasgow it's just quite nice it's got some like trendy bars, it's just, it's not, Shorland's a part of Glasgow, it's just quite nice. It's got some like,

trendy bars and that, hipster cafes and that, you're not that far from an avocado. And, they were just like, oh, it's such a shame, we can't do one more night,

like, my parents have got the kids and all that, and they just fucking went some phone calls and decided to stay because the two lads, right,

Matty and Kevv so if anyone's seen my Insta story you can deduce that I'm not talking about Kev they're really like Matty works in the tools trade

and like he's good he's good with his hands and Kev's a good craftsman right so the pair of the lads are just like we could sort your deck

in for you we could get it done while we're here if we stay another day so he used that as a good excuse to stay so like that's where the Nexus event

started from Matley's parents because they would have been on their way after that right so they sourced some timber

and all that and they're having a whale of a time this is like two lads in their element and I'm where do you source timber from

I actually did I think it was do you source timber from I actually I think it was do you reckon it's like they didn't have what they were looking for and B&Q so they went to like somewhere that's

connected somewhere that Matty do you reckon it's like with like fucking drug dealers so like if I was if I was going to

if I was going to if I was in Melbourne right and I get to Melbourne and I'm after drugs I'm like right I don't know how to get drugs in Melbourne but I know people who know how to get drugs in Melbourne, right, and I get to Melbourne and I'm after drugs, I'm like, right, I don't know how to get drugs in Melbourne, but I know people who know

how to get drugs in Melbourne. So I'd text, you know, fucking, I'm not going to mention any of your names, but. Let's say Matty. Yeah.

Let's just say Matty. I would, I would find Matty in Melbourne or white Matty in Melbourne as well. And one of those would have drugs

do you reckon it's that with wood products like if you just work in is that where I mean that's what it was for me because I like I wouldn't know

where to get wood you could probably google it and find out there's just like 10 by odds like it's probably not that hard to be honest

but like Matthew Cunning thank you what are you oh John I'll take that in the tank you stupid

gun so he sourced the word he got it and they start going to work

they're in the element and they're drinking and I had me bloody merry in the morning right

but I was like I'm going to stop drinking because I the element and they're drinking and I had me bloody merry in the morning right but I was like I'm going to stop drinking now because I've still got a gig so they all like the last oh yeah what capacity

is the stand at I think they had about a hundred in nice Glasgow aye it was full from like like they were using

all of the space aye but it was just aye but you know if they didn't have socially distancing they would have

probably had the back area cordoned off and still had a little bit of the people towards the bar squeezed in

so they just like called a capacity and spread everybody out and it just felt nice how was it it was class

really nice really good to be back and the crowd just fucking so who were you on with I was on with

Dave Fulton Chris Forbes and Liam Farrelly who I'd never seen before who totally smashed it I think I know Liam I mean I definitely do so

I just can't remember how I know him so right they start you're googling him aye I think he's just signed with a white agent

yeah do I need to beep that an hour or not no no because I was tired of him he's been working

on Marlena oh yeah absolutely man I'm just so shy with did you beep that in Arlen or not no because I was tired of that he's been waiting for me all year oh yeah absolutely man I'm just so shite with he was absolutely class I didn't know

how new he was but I'd never seen him before but I was great Chris Forbes was mint now Dave Fulton

was class so it's just a good line up everyone done well lot of straight white men thanks man so I couldn't drink with them so they're in the heat of the day great white men. Thanks, man.

So, I couldn't drink with them. So, they're in the heat of the day drinking cocktails all day because the last time I was making mojitos and all that and bringing the wood for them. Magentos. And they were just fucking chopping timber

and being men. And I was just staying sober. I had a gig to get there. Just having a nice time in the sun, right? So, what you're telling me is there's two men were building

some decking in your garden and you couldn't help because you're in the arts mate look I've got a different set of skills

they're good at doing stuff and I'm good at sitting here attacking them I don't want to apologise for that mate They're good at doing stuff and I'm good at sitting here talking about it. I don't want to apologise for that, mate. It's not how we're inclined. I feel that. I get in the way.

I make a mess. I like knitting. That's why I got these soft hands. I'm like my big, skinny builder friends. So, they were drinking all day, right? And when I come back from my gig, it was about like half past nine,

ten o'clock at night. We bought all of the booze for that day and I had to swing by and get more booze to go and back, right? Like, we misjudged

how much drinking was going to be done. When I got back, there was no catching up with them, right? I was trying. I was having cocktails, I was having shots

and all that, but there was no way starting at 10 at night is going to catch up with people who have been day drinking in the sun from 10 in the morning you're just not going to

get there right and everyone was having a wild time but one of the lads Matty typical Matty too he was

he was starting to like God I fucking hate Matty I'm trying to say that on this podcast I'm going to get off my fucking hate Matty I'm trying to say that on this podcast I want to get off my fucking chest right now I've always fucking hated him just for the record

you're talking about Matty or Matty Matty Matty because the other Matty who I'm talking about has got a little because I was in two minds

when I was talking about this on the podcast but I thought to myself I won't confirm which Matty I'm talking about but I need you to know I fucking hate Matty I thought to myself

we made who was our who we're going to talk about who we'm talking about but I need you to know I fucking hate that we made who was our who we're going to talk about who we are talking about he listens to this podcast right but he's not he started from episode one and he's up to 150

so he's got like he's got 75 episodes or around about that before he catches up with this one alright so like it's all going to be

what our offer ducks back by the time he listens to it well if if not then who cares so uh he starts like arguing with somebody about whoever there's cheese in the sauce right this doesn't mean i've got to try and just brush out this as quick as i can right starts arguing with someone that is cheese sauce. Right? I'm not there for this point, right? Is there cheese in the sauce? No, there's not cheese in the sauce, right? And then he eats it and it tastes like there's cheese in the sauce.

Well, it's a white sauce, but there's some soft cheese in. We didn't put the cheese in because it doesn't matter, right? It's one of those absolutely doesn't matter arguments. So they had like a bit of static about cheese sauce. That's how fucking trivial this is

right but when I got back that argument was done the person who the argument was with was a bit upset and annoyed by him

right and he had moved on asking his last wife she didn't stick up for him and I whacked in on that bit so it was just I come back

and there was a nice spread of food on everyone was happily drunk Ricketts had arrived. He brought oysters back to him from the end of the sky. We can't dob Ricketts and we've got to change

his name to something else. Right. Let's call him Cullen. Cullen. Cullen. Big, bald Cullen arrives. He'd been at the end of the sky just diving for oysters.

With his teeth. Like a golem. And he started putting like sriracha sauce on and fucking dishing them out and all that like those good vibes

right but just a I bet that's the last thing a Scottish oyster expected to see as well sriracha sauce like if you're if you're an oyster

off the the Gulf of fucking Mexico like you're used to that you hear stories about how your ancestors died only fucking rickets I love Scottish oysters and Mexican sauce

and he's just locked onto this thing that he was right about the argument right and he can't let it go and now somebody's just had a drink

and they're just like it could have been anything that he's locking onto he's just locked onto something and now he's like he's upset that somebody didn't had a drink and they're just like, it could have been anything that he's locking onto, he's just locked onto something. And now he's upset that somebody didn't back him up. And now the husband of the... It's just one of those things when a fucking drunk cunt gets something into their head

and because they're so drunk, nothing else goes into their head. It's the only thing they're able to focus on. And it happens to all of the worst drunk people I know. You just get a point in the evening where you just go, oh man, you're just focused on this now and there's nothing that'll ever get you off this topic until fucking unconsciousness.

And I wish unconsciousness had come sooner for him because he started upsetting one of the lads because one of the lads stepped in and tried to have a word with him and then he was just like, wait, I'm not talking to him for the rest of the night. Like, he's fucking,

he's spoiling me night. He's blowing me buzz. Keep me away from him. So like, one by one, he's starting to upset people. The last one that met the source, the fucking,

her fella, his own last. And now I'm getting a bit upset because he's fucking spoiling me party. So I'm getting involved, right? And he starts fucking screaming that I can't get involved

because I wasn't there with the chief source argument, right? And I'm like, you could have been arguing that the fucking sky was blue, man, and this is inappropriate what you're doing now. But he was just locked in and he couldn't get out of it and't there with the cheese sauce argument right and I'm like mate you could have been arguing that the sky was blue man and this is inappropriate what you're doing now

but he was just locked in he couldn't get out of it and I was actually saying to him I was like what do you need

what response do you want from people here do you want Waldo to just like sit down and apologise about cheese sauce

so that he can be pacified so he can get on and he just obviously took that as condescending because it was it was my intent

right he starts getting upset with me and I'm trying to send him to bed and all that and then he does go on and then he comes back up with just his shorts on and say one last thing and it's starting to get a bit loud for the neighbours so I'm like this guy needs to get something off his chest he needs to thrash this out right so I fucking

it's getting on midnight at this point and I took him out into the woods with a shotgun, took him out into the woodlands fucking stroked his hair. Just like, sorry man, this has to happen. He just got him a nice little wabbit. So I'm like, I've had like a drink or two. I'm trying to catch up, right?

But I'm with somebody who's fucking lost their main waboos. And we were in the woods for fucking two hours and he went through every single emotion that there is to go through. It was difficult. Was it like a... I've not been in the woods for two hours and he went through every single emotion that there is to go through it was like it was difficult was it like a I've not been in the woods in your house is it like a play of witch woods

pitch black pitch black no ambient light really like my eyes like started but like is it a deep

forest that's undiscovered or like during the day is it where people walk their dogs during the day they'd be like kids running around playing dog walkers

and that's like it's just a fun little bit of woodland you know if you've got any fairgrounds that comes from land would it be a good place to play hunt

at night time yes it would be a good place to take your cards as a teenager okay me and Cara noticed those places

when we were like it's just good it's like I bet loads of kids get fingered down there but that's where you get fingered you know but that's where you get fingered you know and i was like talking to me just push over that just push over that

um so i i like i'm not gonna disclose too much because he's clearly got a bunch of stuff going on but there was one point where he was crying asking us to hit him right and i'm like typical matty to be honest typical matical Matty. I was like, this isn't about the cheese sauce, this. There's something else going on here. This is more than the cheese sauce. That's very therapist of your kind. I don't think you're qualified.

I know. Like, when I was trying to talk from, like, get to the bottom of this point of view, like, I really made him turn on us a lot. Because, you know, I like it. You know what it felt like? It felt like if... This is just like an old proverb. This felt like it felt like if this is just like

an old proverb this isn't me like fucking relaying my own but if there's a lion with a thorn in its paw and you try and like get the thorn out

it hurts on the way out the lion thinks it's you inflicting the pain and then it strikes at you and like he was really going at us at some point

which was quite funny because he didn't really have much to insult us for so like he was really clutching at straws and didn't really hit home much but he was just

trying to attack us at points you know like trying to character assassinate someone that's perfect that's kind of odd that I guess it's better

that he missed because that's why I always get fucking worried about see if I get fucking like wound up or just angry at someone and it's in that point where you

were just so annoyed but like I know I've got the capability to say the worst things and I'm like I know I've got the capability to say the worst things and I'm like you know UFC fighters aren't

allowed to fucking punch anyone in real life because their fists are legally declared as weapons sometimes I feel like that was

my words I'm glad it was just Matty then the best he had was like bit realistically telling us I was pretentious

which you are and I was like what if pretentious. Which you are. And I was like what if pretentious is having like a high enough stand that I just scream your heat off. Aye. Kai you're very pretentious. You got a trampoline turned into decking. Aye. You got like a free trampoline and

you were like I'm going to spend money on a place to sit in the sun. that's the definition of pretentious to me and he told us I wasn't there for him as well which was harsh

because I just rammed off a bunch of times that I was there for him so I was like you weren't there for me during the pandemic

god I'm going to use that on all my friends man I live 500 miles away and I'm not allowed out the house but I literally zoom called you

fucking every single week right I mean you keep dropping clues in here and I think but I literally zoom called you fucking every single week right I mean you keep dropping clues in here and I think I think I think the Matty thing

is a double bluff I think this is actually Matthew Cannon it's like I think you've actually been very clever about this so I come out with the words

with bruised boobs nah so like look I don't I don't want to fucking light him up too hard because he's going for some fucking shit

and they they drink hit him hard and it was a full moon and he'd been like I swear to god there's one point where he fucking mentioned

this is where I was like you fucking I've just done your deck and I was like I was like mate that gets that gets any gratitude that like

that doesn't buy permission to slip the fucking scream punches in the woods take the wood back with you if that's the fucking transaction like but no it was like

fucking it was hard it was hard man like I fucking because I didn't I didn't end up having a night because I spent like my night at work and then the night in the woods

and the thing that stopped is the thing that drew that to a conclusion was his last whacking around the street shouting his name.

It's like... Marty! Marty! Marty Canning! Marty! Stinkish Minkus! Stinkish Minkus! Stinkish Minkus!

Pinsir! Pinsir, come home, Pinsir! Pinsir, Pinsir, Pinsir, Pinsir, Pinsir! Pinsir, Pinsir! Pinsir! I can't do it. Stinkish Pinsis! Pinsis, Pinsis, Pinsis, Pinsis, Pinsis! Pinsis, Pinsis! Pinsis... I can't do it. Stinkis, Pinsis? It's such a...

Pinsis, Minkis? Pinsis, Minkis? Did you tell me that one of your neighbours lost a dog at one in the morning and started shouting that dog's name, who also happens to be your fiancé's name? Yeah, so we... That is some jarring shit right there.

But when we... right there but when we this was like when we just moved in as well like I remember it because I had I had the alleys over fuck it she's changed

their names the Mattys had the Mattys over and like we were just fucking building like Ikea furniture and just having

a couple drinks and me and Cara were still sleeping on the floor we had the mattress because we didn't the bed hadn't arrived yet and we could just hear

Cara and I'm like it's one of the fucking alleys outside being a knob and we're Cara and it goes on to the point where it's not funny anymore and I'm like it's so weird and then we go upstairs and they're going who's shouting

your girlfriend's name? So I open the fucking thing, and there's just this voice going, Cara, and man, like, there are rules of society when you live in a nice area. You don't make fucking noise after midnight. Man, you don't make noise after 10. Like, if you've got fucking... You know what?

Some ambient noise coming out of your house. It's fine. And if it's summer, and, like, you've got You know what some ambient noise coming out of your house is fine. And if it's if it's summer and like you've had a barbecue that's been going on all day And it's not a school night.

And it's not a school night you know fair enough there are certain exceptions it's Hogmanay etc etc Call me pretentious. Shut the I don't

I don't I get fucking so angry because I'm such a light sleeper as well. So I open up and I've got no sympathy. You're making noise. You're ruining everyone else's evening.

I'm, I'll stand up for everyone else in the neighbourhood. I'm this neighbourhood batman. I just went, shut the fuck up. And there was just silence for a bit.

She's like, I've lost my dog. And I'm like, I couldn't give a fucking shit. Like, there are whistles only dogs can hear use one of those

why are you using your fucking voice that everyone can hear you fuck it oh and I was just like I thought you would have helped find the dog not at one in the fucking morning

man it's a wolf right if it can't survive the night in middle class Scotland it deserves to die during the evening like we have accidentally left Ray out right overnight a 14 year old cat pensioner yeah a 14 year old deserves to die during the evening. We have accidentally left Ray out overnight.

A 14-year-old cat. Pensioner. Yeah, a 14-year-old pensioner fucking cat that spent the first 11 years of its life. That's never once confirmed a kill. Yeah. Oh, no. Has now.

The vol mind. Oh, yeah. Like, if our cat can survive in this area nine hours, your fucking dog staying outside, shut the living fuck up. I've got no sympathy for it. That's pretty funny. So basically I had that cringe of like

hearing this high-pitched piercing voice like reaching me in the woods, coming from my estate. And I'm like, fuck, I only thought I had one person to pacify. I thought I was pacifying him on her behalf because she was getting upset.

Right, so I'm like... But what you've actually done is you've brought a fucking Geordie domestic up to middle class Glasgow. You tried to bury your past, but that's why I was going to stay friends with Matthew Cunningham. Uh-huh. So I take

Matthew in. I take Matthew in his bird pack in, right? It had me so a little bit of a fucking huff of how many nights panned over, right? Because I was, like, really excited about the way everything was going. I'd had such a belt at the time. And we were just fucking out,

peel off and go out of bed. And I'm, like, lying in bed pretty sore. I tell Natalie I'm a bit sad because of just, like, the way I've been treated by one of my best pals and that. Eh? I'm talking about

one of my pals. I do that. I'm trying not to take it personally because I know it's not about me. Trying to like take my own ego out of it. And like,

you know, whoever was in front of them there would have gotten a character assassination at some point and like they would have had the worst at some point and they would have had a worse of a character so it would have hurt them more oh god you're such a

humble man because my character is almost flawless I got away pretty much unscathed really, is this what he means by pretentious? halfway through did he ever look you in the eyes and be like I just let you know you are the type of cunt who would put eggy bread in a toaster

I need you to know that that that is well within your fucking heart don't pour a dip it's called dip aye and also what's with your

directional skills mankind real bad yes anyway it's like really hard to go after me sometimes you know the speed limit is the target

so I just fucking got to bed. And then I wake up to Natalie going, Guy, the police are here. I'm like... This again? At the door. And she went, In the house?

Oh my God, they found your laptop. Fuck, man. I am so glad that... This isn't going towards the laptop thing. I am so glad that these mates weren't cokie mates. Aye. You know, if it had been, like, any of me cokie mates, they wouldn't have acted like that because they would have been present at mine.

But, you know, people haven't tied you up before. They got out of bed, they rolled up notes, the baggies and all that. It's the police have come in a crack down either though they that would have been the fucking worst but I what they took it took that domestic on to me fucking drive they fucking started arguing it said hmm in like she was wanting to gan and he was trying to say away where would you go and come back in and all that right and like to the outside it was like a lass trying to leave and fucking lad trying to keep her there and that and the fucking police were calling

and I fucking come downstairs to four cops in my house sitting here explaining to them that she's alright they were just rowing and like you know checking just to double check that she's alright and then they realised it was like a false alarm but like they fucking treated it like it was bad you know and then I was fucking mortified man

like I was absolutely fucking gutted like Nenewa would tackle him the next day like he fucking ended up getting the train back he didn't get a lift back

with the rest of them and fuck me man it was a fucking disaster I think that's what fucking lasted as well

that moves the trampoline well that'll teach you for being pretentious like had you just fucking kept the trampoline or had you turned it into a ball pit

guarantee you kept it and wanted to make a fucking ball pit but had to get some expert in an expert's not going to get some stroking drink

and fall down your porch so eh aye so that's that was my weekend that's why I don't have any dad jokes oh well that's not going to get sunstroke and drink volcano porch. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. So, aye. So that was my weekend. That's why I don't have any dad jokes. Oh, well, that's... You know what? I actually don't.

Wait, is that just a Geordie version of my dog ate my homework? Oh, sorry. I couldn't write some jokes. My mate needs therapy. Grow up. That's your mate's problem, not yours. Oh, I was too tired. Oh, the police were round about the house. I couldn't write some jokes my mate needs therapy grow up that's your mate's problem not your mate's Oh I was too tired Oh the police were round about the house

I couldn't write the fucking dad jokes that I reminded you to write this morning Oh that's hilarious You know it's funny when the police left because we realised it was a false alarm

and they left and when they were leaving I was fucking kicking off at them for not taking them I was going are you going to leave him here you've got a van fucking take him

away they're just laughing at us they're like fucking here again from the airport fucking coming out

of the woodwork well that's what he said I went downstairs he was like oh there's people coming out of the woodwork everywhere

it's my house you've come out of the woodwork would they like to just get in just come through the door are they allowed to do like to, so they just get in? Just go through the door. Are they allowed to do that? I think if it's domestic violence,

that they were getting called in for, because it wasn't domestic violence, but like, it was called out for that. I didn't think they were going to, like, you know what, whoever called the police,

like, they're right to call them, because you'd rather call them and be wrong, than not call them and be wrong. So like, it was the correct thing to do. But like, but rules are rules rules and they will be getting stitches i respect i respect what you did it was the right thing to do but until the imprisonment was changed so today by the street laws today i went to me

next door neighbor's house right because natalie said she heard like the neighbor shout something and then the police arrived. Because Natalie didn't sleep through it, I did. And Ricketts, who'd come from here... No, it's Cullen. Cullen had his camper van on the drive and didn't know about it until the morning. He got up and joined with her for breakfast and all that.

Like, what about last night, eh? It was the night after they've gone and fucking he was just going eh he doesn't need a man on the drive

Mr Domestic Mr fucking police code Mr Neighbour shouting stupid Colin so I slept through but at least I wasn't

like you know in a sleeping bag in the middle of it just gives you a real insight to Colin's childhood yeah like if you could sleep like if you could sleep through

a man and a woman screaming at each other to the point where the domestic abuse plan is called and you don't wake up tell me you're from Newcastle without telling me you're from Newcastle what a happy happy childhood

I'll fucking kill you I never fucking loved you Rick it's so to sleep me me me me me me me I'm leaving where you gonna go bitch Rick it's in his big toe

sorry Colin we just call him Rick it's because of the bone eating disease he had when he was a child aye but that would be when Colin eats bones that's how he got diseased

he just kept sucking the marrow out of it. I do that. It's nice. Is it? It's a delicacy in England, but like the last resort in Africa. It's also... Trevor, no, I was laughing about it in his book.

What, you just have dog bone? You pay that much for it? Isn't it? Also, isn't bone marrow transfusion a thing yeah I suppose we're not eating the human one

imagine the price that gets on the fucking black market yep they're good so I knocked on my neighbours right

I went and got some flowers and I went and got some chocolates and I knocked on the door and I went I just want to apologise about my guests for the weekend

I didn't want to come empty handed so I had them and she flat rejected the gifts right oh you pissed her off that much that's exactly what I thought

I was like oh no she doesn't want us to be able to like buy back any goodwill or redeem herself she'd rather just go and nap right

and I just went no go on please take them. It's for you as much as it is for me as much as it's for you. I need to apologise somehow. Otherwise, I'm going to fucking post these flowers through the letterbox.

So you fucking, do you want me jamming a fucking double decker through there or do you want to take it with my hands, bitch? She was like, nah, these weren't that bad. And I was like, we both know that's not true.

We both know that's not true aye we both know that's not true and she just went well the kids are making noise all the time and I was like that's children playing through the day this is like

police turning out to a domestic disturbance at night like they're not comparable and she just went the police were here and she had fucking me idea

she had the idea the police had turned up and that they'd be driving on. So it must have been people out on the road that shouted. So you're going to give them a gift? I don't know. I'm going to have to get on door to door. I like the opposite of trick or treating.

I'm honestly going to have to get on door to door. That was nice because I just had a chat. She was like, Hi, I know you called on number two, but there was actually number four. going to have to get a daughter though it was nice because I just had a chat and she was like dressed up as your other neighbour and she was like hi I know you called on number two but it was actually number four

and it's me Brian Donaldson from that number and I'm sorry for shouting at my wife but it's been it's been very eventful

you know what all in all I've had a good time it's been a it's been a ride I was going at Natalie. He even had your Jordies up for a fucking pint

if you haven't got the cups out. Aye, well. But I'm not tightening them at the minute. So if he does listen to this, he'll return. I'm not tightening them until he sorts his cell out. I can't...

You know what? Matty, you fucking... You can't just carry on like, oh, no, it's fine. It's cracked. I'll do it again. Do it again. Do it tomorrow. Do it next week. Just keep acting like that. You know what? Matty, you fucking... You kind of just carry on like, oh, no, it's fine, mate. Crack on. Do it again. Do it again.

Do it tomorrow. Do it next week. Just keep acting like that. You've got to be like... Take a long, hard look in the mirror, Matthew Canning. A long, hard look in your coked up mirror. Just to be a good mate sometimes you've just got to be like a little bit

conversation a little I've got it wrong how do I get that wrong I don't know a little less conversation a little more action sometimes you've just got to be

that kind of friend I don't get it was I Elvis I think I was aye but like sorry sorry's just not enough suck my dick

aye nah would that help you know what would help if you stopped drinking it would help sorry's just not enough suck my dick nah would that help you know what would help if you stopped drinking it would help if you went to see a therapist it would help

if he identified that he was having issues but it'd have to just crack on like that like how are you I just I do not

come on next week we'll have a drink at that time would it it's so hard man from like lads were my way to going for therapy because it's it's so hard man from like lads were my way to going for therapy

because it it's like it gets received as an insult therapy therapy gets received as an insult if you suggest it

like when we were in the woods having a fucking having a set two I suggested it and he took it like it was a direct attack and it was like

I'll never understand that therapy's class there's such a like it's really direct attack. And it was like... I'll never understand that. Therapy's class. There's such a... Like, it's really fucking sad. There's a really disproportionate fucking male suicide rate in the rest of the world,

in my hometown. Fuck, damn you, Mike Ashley. It's fucking hell because of Mike Ashley and the tune. It's because the stigma on getting therapy is that you could have lost somebody. You could be going through a divorce. There could be stuff that you just need to talk about.

Could be a global pandemic we all live through. Yeah, and to tell somebody you should try therapy is like saying, have you tried checking yourself into the asylum and announcing that you're mental to everybody? Have you tried dating that that's how it's received it's not received

as like oh I could probably not hit this switch when I'm drunk if I just unpack the fucking damage that's been done

that I'm not identifying if you suggested someone like oh your car seems to be playing up do you want to put it in the

garage they wouldn't have fuck you say your car's perfect don't rhyme with your car your car's fucking

mint like you that does sound like people from your area does I bad example they wouldn't hand fuck you say your car's perfect no rhyme on your car your car's fucking mint like so you feel like that does sound like people from your area does aye bad example so I

I just think I just think it's really sad that like people are not like they're not action real big alarm bells real fucking

huge alarm bells that their rental house isn't in shape I say myself I have to therapy immediately after X aye Cynlluniau fawr iawn o'u llawrnt yw nad yw eu celf yn ymddygiad. Rwyf wedi dweud fy hun yn ymwneud â'r X. Mae'n fawr. Mae'n fawr. Mae'n fawr. Mae'n fawr.

Mae'n fawr. Mae'n fawr. Mae'n fawr. Mae'n fawr. Mae'n fawr. Mae'n fawr. Mae'n fawr. Mae'n fawr.

Mae'n fawr. Mae'n fawr. Mae'n fawr. Mae'n fawr. Mae'n fawr. Mae'n fawr. Mae'n fawr. Mae'n fawr. they'll think it's almost like it's if they go down that road it's like they can't come back from that they've admitted that there's something wrong with them

instead of admitting there's something fucking up it's like it's toxic masculinity I also think it's at the point now

like we've got like man we've got friends who are in the army which is like the most like typically toxic masculine

sort of thing there. They go to therapy and they admit it's class. I don't understand. You can't sit there and go therapy's a weak thing and then your friends who were squatties and did the hardest fucking thing. How about this straight face? Can you be like, nah,

it's a weak thing to do. Maybe it is that. Maybe it's like, I'm not going to sign up for the same thing that these guys who have lost friends to bullets and got PTSD sign up for

just because I can't handle my drink like like maybe maybe it's a bit of that maybe it's like

well I'm not going to tap at this point when it takes them much longer to tap I just fucking stop looking at

it as tapping out it's not tapping out it's taking the game longer I mean to be Mae'n dynnu yn y gwaelod. Dwi'n dweud yn dda. Dwi'n dweud yn dda. Dwi'n dweud yn dda. Dwi'n dweud yn dda. Dwi'n dweud yn dda. Dwi'n dweud yn dda. Dwi'n dweud yn dda. Dwi'n dweud yn dda.

Dwi'n dweud yn dda. Dwi'n dweud yn dda. Dwi'n dweud yn dda. Dwi'n dweud yn dda. Dwi'n dweud yn dda. but then we just didn't talk for a bit and I was like, oh, maybe I'll just get a new one just because I fancy somebody else with a different speciality because my problem is fucking different now so Cara's been helping me, she's just a fucking

man, I hate research I would much rather you give me three options and I just point at one than actually be the person that looks through a list of a hundred things, works out the best fucking options does my head in, but Cara's helping me, she keeps me fucking

keeps my ADD in check and we just fucking go through it and I send off an email which is just to say, I've had therapy for a bit but I fancy a bit more just my head's not in the right place and also my addictions come back, I know it's only weed but it's like something I'd rather I'd like to get under control

and sort of find out where it comes from and why I'm with this. This woman reply, this is a professional therapist guy. This is her job to do this. Replies, hi, sorry. I'm fully booked up at the moment, which is like, it's annoying,

but it's a good thing. Yeah. The fact that all the therapists, like I say that to Cara. It's good that it's popular. It's creating a demand for it. More people are going to try to do it

because it's a job market. Right. This is great. Like I'm annoyed because this seemed like a good one and I didn't want her.

But if she's busy, I'm not going to be selfish enough to not acknowledge this as a good thing. And then she was like, oh, by the way, marijuana is

actually a depressive so just don't do it. Thank you. Bye. And I'm like, oh, just don't do it. That bye and i'm like oh just don't do it that's the fucking there it is that's the word p.s have a banana man i tell you what i'm glad she's not the fucking therapist i wouldn't be able to fucking put up with that have you tried not doing it ah every day that's the main goal of most of my days you You know what as well? You know that it's okay not to be okay?

Disagree. No, no. That is step one, and people think that that's the thing. Aye. The thing is, it's okay to not be okay, right? You can admit that you're not okay. You're not alone if you admit that you're not okay. The goal isn't to just stay not okay.

You still want to, you want to try and get back to okay. You want to try and find okay if you've never had it. You want to, the goal, that's just, that's just the stage one. There's so many steps after that.

The first step is admitting there's a problem, but it's like people who are self-aware about their flaws. You go, nah, nah, motherfucker. You don't just get to be self-aware and be like, yeah look, I've got a short temper and I'm a bitch sometimes you go, right, now do the other five steps

do the other five steps that get you to the point where you are no longer fucking that but people just like the, no I'm aware of what I am and I'm not going to change who I am why? who you are is shit it is like if people around you are getting hurt,

if you fucking leave a party and fucking three people have been crying and one person never wants to talk to you again, like you, you should probably go

and I should probably rectify that. Oh really? Oh, oh shit, shit, shit, shit.

She said she was busy, can't he? Fuck. Okay. Okay, I'll try and be athletic do you want to play some shows yeah we're going to do the fringe

aye I am I think I'm going to up in Fahey and then run out of the road and do a I don't know if it's out yet I'm going to do a show with

Ryan Cullen Slut Sluts all three of you Sluts I should change their names I'm going to do

a show with Gareth and Ryan and the whole goal is to do new material but what I'm

going to do is I'm going to tell them it's new material watch them flowing over going to do is I'm going to tell them it's new material right watch them flowing over bits of paper and then I'm going to

just fucking be my club set and just go thanks for listening to my new stuff guys that was my favourite way to play setlist whatever it was which was to just go on

and be like I know everyone else is doing setlist I'm not I'm recording a fucking special tomorrow and these are all my zingers Hitler's third

moustache so we're going to do a new material show 20 minutes each which will you know what it's going to be

different levels of fun depending on when you come in the run we're going to do like I think we're doing 10 days if you come at the

beginning it's going to be fun because we'll be all over the place if that's your jam like I think we're doing 10 days if you come at the beginning it's going to be fun because we'll be all over the place if that's your jam but then towards the end it'll be fun because we've actually worked on this stuff

and honed it and it's got punchlines so like it's going to be and hopefully this year we won't be raging alcoholics here in the fringe for like the first time because our venues

are so far away and I don't know how much of a hub there's going to be this year I'll be driving quite a bit and I'll be fucking I'll be fucking dead I'll be fucking dead. I'll be fucking dead

if I drink with any fucking English comments. You're not English. You'll be dead if you drink an English comment. Just not during this year's Fringe. They don't get to fucking come up here. This is the Scottish Fringe. This is the Fringe. Are you looking at this as the Fringe is how it should be?

Aye. This is the fucking... We've kept the mood right the last minute and then went right it's on sake we're only locals aye we tried

but some of you rat bastards still went out so you're just going to take off on my dad and then he responds aye

can you change my name just for alright Matty's dad nice Matty's dad started a petition to get Chapdaw

run into the Olympics Matty's dad goes belly up on get Chapdor run into the Olympics. Matty's dad goes belly up on dates to show he's not a threat. Matty's dad refuses to call it a unitard, as he thinks. It's an offensive and outdated term. Instead, he calls it a poof onesie. Your dad picks his nose like he's fingering a girl and trying to get her to squirt. Manated.

Right. Matty's dad you mean? No, no, that was your dad. Oh, yeah. And Matty's dad thinks keyhole surgery mean it's done through the arsehole because that's where he keeps his keys.

Nice. Also, I'm doing the fringe. Goodbye takes to that. The end.