Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.31 Not my Cup of Tea

Episode Date: August 4, 2021

It has been brought to Muggins' attention that Cream makes tea by putting the milk in with the bag BEFORE the boiling water. After blaming his mother and science for this travesty the boys get Dr Lesley Sloss on the phone to explain herself. 

Good afternoon, maybe, podcast listeners. Welcome to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the Road. This week we spoke about tea. We argued about tea for a bit. I got my mum on the phone. I don't know what the quality of that was like since she was on loudspeaker. But, I mean, you've listened to the podcast before, you know. You know what we're fucking like. We also... What the fuck did we talk about? speaker but I mean you've listened to the podcast before you know what we're fucking like we also what the fuck did we talk about oh fuck loads of good stuff it was a funny episode I genuinely laugh lots but I can't remember

a single fucking thing we're talking about your mum and dad coming to visit oh aye you were talking about the Harry Potter themed yes themed session man I can't remember it was a good episode it was up there a themed yes themed session I man

I can't remember it was a good episode it was like it was up there in like my top 50 how many of these have we done we've done about 250

so that's a good goal yeah that's top 20% that's fair anyway fucking listen to it I mean you are already I don't know

I still don't get the point of these fucking intros if I'm being honest with you I mean it's usually to like thank the patrons and that but I thought that you're like thanking

them for helping with support podcasting here's what we've got for you it's like oh thanks for supporting we've got a good

episode coming up it's got this and that and boom boom get them all excited and then again slicing humphries on the road then does like an

intro and then it bangs into the podcast I just feel like it's unnecessary and these aren deliver the product that you promised them I just feel like it's unnecessary and these aren't the patrons

so why the fuck am I why the fuck am I thanking cunts that don't approve of it these are getting early access oh so is this not on the regular podcast they're gonna get it like

as soon as we finish this intro right we'll put it up for them right and then in like 48 hours we'll put it out for without so do the

do the cunts who get it 48 hours later do they not get this intro no they the do the cunts who get it 48 hours later do they not get this intro no they do get the intro but also like it'll make them go oh I wish he was talking to us I wish

I wish that was me he was talking to me I just feel so left out here in the background lurking actually you guys listen to it as well

on the free channel thank you for listening alright whatever less so from me Sloss and Humphreys on the road Muggins and Cream cream and muggins straight thuggin living the dream that's our intro now. Aye, whatever, kiss. Or might just be cynical. Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? Good morning.

Morning. It's a morning podcast? Oh, it is. We don't normally do morning podcasts. Um, nah, not at all. I had a shite sleep last night as well. Tell us all about it. Um.

Heat. No, well, no, but that is normally the fucking big killer for me. But we got a fan, like, last year for the bedroom. And then it's on Cara's side of the bed. And it sometimes gets over to me. But I was just, it got, like, really hot last week, and we had guests, and they were hot in their room. And I was like, Cara, I can't, like, I can't be a person

that when people stay at my house the room is too warm. I fucking hate staying at friends' houses when they don't have air conditioning. I think it's... I understand. By the way, nobody has air conditioning. Nobody in this country has air conditioning.

Oh no, this is global. Fine, fair enough. But I tell you what, dads have air conditioning hotels so I'm now at the point in my life where if friends go do you want to stay over at us when you're in town

I'm like no I don't I'd much rather come visit you in the evening come visit in the morning and I'm going to stay in a fucking hotel with air conditioning

because I cannot sleep in a room unless it is fucking baltic so you only want to suffer in your own house aye well but I can't be a fucking hypocrite so I just said to Cara I your own house aye well I can't be a fucking hypocrite

so I just said to Cara I'm like I'm I'm buying like just a bunch more fans so whenever whenever it does

on the seven days that it gets hot in Scotland that those seven days don't fucking ruin my sleep cycle so I had that so it wasn't the temperature

we'd gone out we got I'd got kind of drunk because my mum and dad had booked me, them, Cara, and my brothers into a place called The Cauldron. It's like a Harry Potter...

But it's not a Harry Potter... Legally, it's not a Harry Potter themed. But it's Harry Potter themed. Like Monkey Barrel's escape room aye aye it's like a wizardy like bar

experience thing but Jack my youngest brother couldn't come because well he's fucking because when he ran into the wall

of the railway station he just knocked himself out and got rushed into hospital aye he went to platform 10 in two halves stupid cunt two halves

that's 11 I like it. So it's a bar. It's an adult bar. It's an adult bar. Harry Potter themed. So is it like the Alchemist where they bring you out

low cocktails with dry ice and shit? Oh, but way better in some ways and not worse, I think, because I did enjoy the whole thing. But uncomfortable. So Craig Hill came instead. Taking Craig Hill anywhere instead, right? So, which is, taking Craig Hill anywhere adds 3% enjoyment to the experience.

Like if Craig Hill was a Dungeons and Dragons thing, it would be plus 3 to enjoyment of every experience. He boosts morale, doesn't he? Aye. It's like everyone's a bit more motivated around him because he brings you up more. He's a funny person. He's always high energy. He's got great fucking stories and he's so good at taking the piss. My mum always says

that the greatest Edinburgh Friends show would be to just go on a tour, like a bus tour around Edinburgh with not an open top one, roof closed, with just Craig Hill and a microphone and just taking the piss out of everyone that walks by. Just people watching.

Not about the architecture. None of it. Not about the history. Just about that dude wearing flip flops and carrying an umbrella. Aye. Exactly. Right. Just the fucking... People call Geoff Ross the Roastmaster. Sure. The real Roastmaster's Craig Hill. I promise you.

Because he gets subtleties he picks up on subtleties and he's got the fucking vile vitriolity of the gays let's call it

the sass no no let's call it what it is no we'll call them sassy I'm sure

when really they're fucking mean really mean spirited we'll say it's sassy but it's sassy.

But it's great. I love that shit. I love it. And they can get away with it. So we go there and I'm expecting it to be exactly what you just said there with this little fucking performance. But my mum, being my mum,

she'd booked us into the experience. So we go in there. Now, I, and this is just a me personal thing, but this happens across the board, whether it's like we're in Disney. Now, I, and this is just a me personal thing, but this happens across the board, whether it's like we're in Disney and there's a tour guide or whether you're in an escape room and one of them's in character.

And this is a horrible thing to say. You've got an intrusive thought to punch them in the face. No, no. To kiss them. Regular people trying to be funny does my fucking nut. Especially when you can tell that the funny bit that they said is one of the bits. It clunks in like a bit.

Because in a stand-up, you have the illusion of spontaneity when you drop a fake ad lib. But when Harry Potter escape room worker drops a fake ad lib... Yeah, and you're like, man, that's stock and I know that's stock, and

I don't think everyone else can, and they never say anything. And they almost wet their lips before they say it, the staff put them in. The staff put them in, they were about to do that joke. And it just, it always, and by the way, I'm not criticising these people. Man, when I was a fucking paintball referee, I had my

fucking stock jokes, right? I know it's part of the fucking thing, but having done that job myself, and now being a very professional comedian, I'm just like man, don't, could you not do the real? Could we just get to the bit? Because I am such a, I'm so

shite at faking laughter. Like, I can't disguise a lot of my emotions on my face. When you do a shite joke, I'm like I know't disguise a lot of my emotions on my face when you do a shite joke I'm like I know that I know this joke I can you telegraphed it I'm like you're giving us this feeling I don't want to like it it's bad enough when it's somebody like trying to be an entertainer like someone being a tour guide or whatever right but it's the worst when it's someone that's not meant to be funny and it's like a speed awareness course or something and they try and crowbar in their

little jokes here and there. But to be fair, everyone in this... And also, I will call myself out on my own fucking hypocrisy, right? One of them. It was really good, man. Let me fully plug the cauldron at Frederick Street in Edinburgh. Now that you've took the legs of all of the

staff. No, no, no, no, because the staff they called... So one of the bits is, right, you don't just... They don't just pour your drinks for you. So at the start they go right one of the bits is right you don't just they don't just pour your drinks for you so at the start they go right we're gonna take and there's like three heads on a wall one's like a dragon head one's like some sort of sheep unicorn thing and the other one's a python head right and they give you a wand at the start and you have to pick your own wand and it you know and you're just and you at first you're like all right you just give me a wand this is just a fucking prop but then you're just and at first you're like all right you just give me a

wand this is just a fucking prop but then you go up and you literally you point the wand at the drink you want while holding your cup under and it comes out the fucking mouth right it's not a button it's like some sort of magnet thing but it's genuine yeah you're selecting it with a laser point that kind of thing yes and is it a person like is it a person going right you pointed at that one let's give them that one and press the button. Or is it like a scan? It's a scan. So there's me and my dad were checking it.

There's something on the end of the wand and there's little bits you have to point at. So clearly there's some sort of magnetic thing. Yeah, so it's like scanning a barcode. Aye. But so we're going up, the guy's doing his spiel. He's really nice. He's really charming.

Me and Craig are laughing at all the jokes as much as we can because even though it makes us uncomfortable what's worse than a fucking shite joke? A shite audience. So you're just trying to get involved. Invest yourself in it. And he's like can you go up and do

the dragon here. You have to do a chat up line before you do the cast otherwise he won't give you a drink. And I was like, and my mum went up said something and I was like why don't you just say do you fancy was like, and my mum went up, said something, and I was like, why don't you just say, do you fancy dragging those balls across my face? And he was like,

and he rolled his fucking eyes. He goes, yeah, that's the first time I've heard that one. I was like, fair enough, actually. It's like that one. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah, good. That's got to be,

that's got to be stock. Craig Hill had a good one, which is, you should be on RuPaul's Dragon Race. Nice. So that was all great. Really enjoyable. We got drinks. The cocktails were fucking good. And then you make your own

cocktails, but proper in cauldrons and stuff. They give you the recipe. So you're making like a big fishbowl and then you split it. Yeah, but then they give you the fucking dry ice. There's smoke. There's a more impetuous good. And then at the end there was one which was they'd given us all the drinks that paid for but just at random like times through the evening

we're just sat around and all you just hear is dragon dragon dragon and then a fireball in another part of the room and we're like what the fuck is that like how there's like what and then we couldn't see it and then we go back to talking for like 10 minutes and then from another part of a boy here dragon dragon and then a man go back to talking for like 10 minutes. And then from another part of a bar you'd hear, dragon, dragon. And man, the room lights up. There's been an explosion of fire somewhere. And you're like, what the fuck is this?

When do I get the dragon chant? Watch the queue. She comes up. She's like, all the drinks that you paid for are done. And we're like, what's the fucking dragon thing? What's this? And she goes, oh, that's our dragon breath fucking strawberry daiquiri or whatever the name that it had.

So they could come out with very, very strong strawberry daiquiris made with fucking Ray and Nephew. You remember Ray and Nephew? Remember that really, really horrible fucking rum that Cara made us do up in Aberdeen? The one that was like fucking 62% and tore out the inside of your throat? Hold on, was that like straw? S-T-R-O-H?

No, that was the stuff we had. It's similar to straw. Like it's that. That level. That absent level of, like that God tear of fucking alcoholic shot. Oh no, not God tear, Satan tear. Oh yeah, yeah.

Yeah, well corrected. Yes. It was like, the next one of the gods, my God hates me. my throne's on fire why am I a sinner and so they come out

with that and I'm like well those don't look and then she's like Ray and Nephew and I'm like Ray and Nephew is very alcoholic

and then just one girl comes out and she's just got fairy liquid bubbles like all over her hands and then one of them has got a lighter and we just throw it

over the top and man it's like a I'm going to say like a two foot fireball like it's class that comes out of her hands like a nougat yeah because she's got the she just covers her hands and like if you were to have a really big bubble bath right but they've clearly put something paraffin in it yeah something like that

she's scooped her hands in it and then just one of them's holding the fucking and it's not like a match it's like one of those blow torches above your drinks and she just yeets it across

and it's a and you have to chant dragon dragon dragon which is you doing free advertising for that drink for the rest of the fucking for the rest of the room

man anyone nice yeah it's so well done so despite the despite the my Despite the...

For people that can't see, which is everybody, because this is a podcast, Daniel has no eyebrows. Which come from you. They can't see that I have naturally got no eyebrows.

I can't remember why I fucking... So, you were saying that's why you had a bad sleep was because you got mashed at Harry Potter. So I got a bit drunk and then just had a really weird, shitey dream.

And then one of those dreams where when you wake up and you're like, I have to stay awake for five or ten minutes so I don't return to that fucking dream. And I didn't. But when I got into my next dream, dream me was just explaining how into my next dream dream me was just explaining how awful my last

dream was to people like spoiler alert you haven't woken up yet this is it, you're on the podcast telling your buddy and all your listeners what your dream was and then you're going to wake up and go oh man that was embarrassing, I talked about dreams

on the podcast Natalie loves this part of the podcast such a muggle so yeah you had like kind of fever dreams right so I woke up on the couch

last night at fucking 3 o'clock oh oh oh doghouse what did you do doghouse literally we're both in the doghouse

we've been because you're watching Lord of the Rings today aren't you me and Natalie ploughed through them we've been

watching that and we're like you know what because we haven't watched them since I saw them in the cinema

I was like how many big massive high budget franchise movies have passed you by and I was like

I've never really invested in the Hunger Games let's watch that so watch the first one oh the Hunger Games are

and they kind of peak around the first one it's the same with the books I don't want to watch the second one if it's just that again if it's just like another it's like a shuffle the deck different characters same no it's not it's more about the rebellion and whatnot we'll put that on but we're far too counted and we're just we're trying to play double man in the pair we're looking at the double cards for like a good five minutes we've been getting it. When Ellie was just like, should we just

pass? We're fucking cunted. We're double parked. We're waning Guinness. My mum and dad had been run. Kind of being too hot when you go to sleep, right? Your mum and dad were run? That's exactly how I meant to set it up.

Right. I've been fine right my bedroom is the north side of the house the sun doesn't be through the window now that right it's not that bad

it's cool enough if I was in Natalie's office if I was in the kitchen where does the sun rise how do you are you like a fucking tracker what we live in Scotland man

the sun goes across the equator it's in one direction is that where it goes only I so you may get it like across the north of your house in the morning if it's low

oh that does make sense that's why the that's why the north and south bowl are cold aye I could have worked that out myself actually so I kind of thought off so like there's only

fucking one side of your house that's getting the heat for the most part wait surely it rises fucking west then you know it rises east and west but like it's

you know it sits in the south for the most part got you got you. Understood. Jesus Christ, what an idiot. So that's why people get more of a value on the house for a south

facing garden, because you get the sun more of the day. That's not how Australian listeners obviously. But also, if you're one of our Australian

listeners, you can't afford a house. Houses, like two bedroom, like one bedroom apartments in Sydney are one and a half million fucking hell

I did not know this I thought London was where the world peaked in house prices is that right Sydney and Melbourne like Rhys Nicholson literally posted

one the other day which was a house that had like the like the top floor had burned down and not like the top floor

it's like a bungalow with an attic the attic had caught fire and most of the house had burned down and they were selling it for 1.7 million. Oh my god. Is that because you can't just go rural in Australia because you need survival skills if you do?

I just... I think it's... I mean... Is it like city living's like the only first world option? Am I getting that wrong? I'm not... Man, I'm genuinely... I'm trying to work out because like, you would literally, if houses were that much in the city,

you would just like, not live in the city. No, do you know why I actually ask Kai? It's because the fucking Australians are rollover pussies.

They've got that, oh mate, we're just fucking laid back. No, no, you're a doormat. You're a fucking

doormat for your government. Anything they say, you're like, yep, okay, lock government anything they say you're like yep okay lockout laws now house prices are this much all fine by me buddy I'm just so fucking laid back we've got the worst service in the

fucking world but it doesn't matter because I'm laid back who needs the internet we just got better with each other we're just so laid back you fucking doormats please come to my show next year who needs the internet we just got better with each other we're just so laid back you fucking doormats please come to my show

next year begging me I'm not begging you I'll just ask them and you'll do it because you're fucking Australian tickets are £100

oh I'll fucking pay their price because I'm laid back so I haven't been that hot even in the fucking hottest days I haven't been that hot I'll fucking pay their price because I'm laid back. So I haven't been that hot. Even in the fucking hottest days, I haven't been that hot. But Natalie has been fucking burning up, man.

Like I kind of got near her. I kind of got near her in my bed, right? Like fucking, I have to keep my weight. She's just got like a Chernobyl in her fanny. Something like that. Yes. Oh, did I ever tell you about when Chris McCausland, blind comedian, was doing a routine about that, about women being too hot in bed and thinking that's why lesbians must start house fires and stuff. That was the premise of the bit, right? So Chris McCausland's blind, he gets led onto the stage and he's doing this routine and half of the audience is a lesbian hen party. Great. and they didn't enjoy the joke, even though I didn't think it was a harsh joke. He wasn't really taking props at the Marnie Finn, right?

I just thought it was a funny premise idea, right? They just weren't laughing at it. They weren't giving him grief, but they weren't laughing at it. And they took up like 30 seats, right? So he, in his head, thought the centre of the room was a different place to where he was facing, because a wedge of people to the right, like 30% of the room, was like fucking silent.

So he just turned his back on this hen party of lesbians. Oh, no. So funny. And then his dog started barking at them, and that didn't help. So, that list is so fucking hot, right? That kind of... that doesn't help so Natalie's is so fucking hot right

that I can't alright mate Jesus come on this is where I am so just fucking naively just talking like this to my

mum and dad right and my mum's like talking about their diet because they've got these garments that track their calories and they

put their meals into their phones and that they're being very conscientious for pensioners are they pensioners? Not really, but howe'er.

Aye. They're Geordie pensioners. It's the same with Glasgow Rose. They're both in their 60s, man. Aye, aye. When the death rate's way fucking lower, you get your fucking bus card in Newcastle at around 32. It's true.

A geriatric birth is fucking 27. Yeah, it really is. So, we were talking about, my wee man was saying about how you just burn 2,000 calories a day just by being you, just by existing. You've got your first 2,000 calories for free. Is that true?

I don't know. I don't know if you know that. I'm not going to peddle that like it's gospel I'm telling you what happened in a conversation with a 60 year old woman fair enough she got it off of those women

you know what I mean I'm only telling you what happened I know but it's just such a I'm surprised that you didn't go fucking Linda

what? you burned 2,000 so I you burned 2,000 so I can eat 2,000 calories and do fuck all or does she mean

like pot just by existing you know your core temperature oh because she does pot run you get your steps in your core temperature

is fucking I bet she does get the fucking steps in hoovering the stairs four times a day man she's telling us she's got 10,000 steps in in the house

without leaving the house 10,000 now you know she has to dust it all the time she's smoking in the carpet smoking part of the bed she's got 10,000 steps in, in the house, without leaving the house. 10,000. Now you wonder, she has to dust it all the time. She's smoking in the carpet, smoking part of the bit. She's kicking the carpet all over the house,

and now I have to dust. Maybe they're just shark loads. Well, this is what I said to my ma. I just went so innocently to my ma in front of Natalie and my dad. I just went, Natalie must burn 4,000 calories

being so hot in bed oh no and I didn't get it for ages Natalie's mortified me mum couldn't believe I said it now and I'm like

I can't believe I said it but I think we'll have a bit of decorum around parents usually aye but I just bust in with that like fucking Natalie's

just like a firework she bangs every night I just make a firework. She bags every night. I'm being a boot six. I just lie there. I do the starfish while she licks my chocolate starfish. Such as gaining calories, basically what I'm saying.

But my mum and dad come to see me for the first time they've been they've been just very much in lockdown and knew that like stuff the restrictions have risen

and stuff they've come up in the car and my mum had a little cry when she was working on my house she was just dead proud she was just like

I think she had this feeling like she broke the chain from like she was just like I think she had this feeling like she broke the chain from like you know she was just proud of like the three of us right and like I haven't

just got that kid and like I've been getting married and moved in with my wife and all that and I think it was just the realisation that her kids

didn't have the they had a better chance than her and her sisters had you know what I mean and then her mother had she managed to break the cycle

she did such a good job she managed to elevate them out of the thing that she'd grown up in and her dad was an abusive man psychologically to her

but physically to me nana right and me nana's dad was a bit abusive from all accounts right so she's like she's

well by the way Kev's no spring chicken I don't know if you've listened to the last five minutes of the podcast for 200 episodes but he's a fucked up man she married a man with like bad head movement

you know you can't take him doing all these strikes she married a man that was like fucking sweet you know what I mean and she just she goes, this is your family

home before you've even had kids. And she's reminiscing about the fucking shitty one bedroom flat she had in the avenues in Blythe when she was pregnant with her first. You know what I mean? She grew up where she had to wash her own uniform otherwise she'd be the tramp at school. You know what I mean?

If she didn't wash her own she would have been the scruffy kid you know what it's the worst thing in Blythe to get called a tramp in Scotland in Viper

it was Scaff Scaff you didn't want to be Dickie Kai I'd done a routine about it Dickie Darren Dickie Allison

you didn't want to be that person the last thing you want to be is fucking Nenna Blythe, that fucking upmarket, you know what I mean? The last thing you want to be is a scruff in a fucking... Aye, a scruffy neighbourhood. In a scruffy neighbourhood. You don't want to be the scruffiest kid in the avenues.

It's like being a paedophile in prison, right? When all the other prisoners hate you, you've done something fucked up. Even like, there's murderers in there there's like abusers there's all this fucking shit but like the second a pedophile comes in they all get together and they're like you're getting fucking done mate and i think i should just have this emotional she's just had this emotional moment where she was like i fucking i broke the chain like me kids have all turned out right they've all down right they've all given their kids

the best chance ever when my mum said the opposite like her and all her sisters went to university and none of oh no wait

her first kid didn't Matthew's at university aye and Jack's oh no I think Jack said oh no fuck I'm the failure I'm the one

that broke the cycle I think they're letting you off because you're having an exceptional gap 12 years or whatever it's been since you were meant to go to uni aye aye I mean I might go back I definitely wouldn't go back if you were to go back and get an education in something

what would it be that would like that would drive like you'd be driven to learn about it where you'd be like excited about what you're going to learn next history either British or American all the stuff I learned about American history to learn about it? Where you'd be like excited about what you're going to learn next? History, either British or American. All the stuff I learned about American history

interested me but because I was in charge of my own thing I just stopped for a fucking bit whereas if it was for the degree I'd like to have. But I'd also like to learn man, I'd like to learn anything

so I wasn't stupid. Like I'd love to do an economics degree to just understand what economics are just so I can have an opinion on like, not even have an opinion but just understand what it means

when the government does something and what sanctions are and all this stuff because man, I use the word economy a lot and I'm not sure what it means most of the time like I throw it I throw it in there as a fucking buzz word and I'm like, oh, hope nobody called me on my ship. It's like when you in there as a fucking buzzword and I'm like

oh I hope nobody called me on my ship it's like when you say that's a real catch-22 I'm not a real catch-22 oh really really bad book aye I don't know if that's

a fucking controversial opinion to say catch-22's a bad book because I know it's a classic right aye but you know like it's 550 pages long or thereabouts right

the first 100 pages would have been enough aye and then you go right I get it you're doing the same joke oh right it's just fucking you're doing the same Right? The first 100 pages would have been enough. Aye. And then you go, right, I get it, you're doing the same joke. Oh, right,

it's just fucking... You're doing the same fucking joke over and over again, every page, very creative, right? And then they just drag it out for another 450 pages. And you're like, oh, man,

just fucking lay off, man. How does he know he's done it? Man, some classics are fucking shite. Have you ever read Great Gatsby? No, only because you've told us not to. Oh, piping hot shit.

Aye. Like, piping, and it's not even that long a book, but piping hot shit. Like, I remember, because some classics are great, man. Fucking Of Mice and Men, great book.

Really enjoyable book. Short for a fucking book. I enjoyed Animal Farm, thought that was alright. I've not read, 1984. I've not read 1984 I've not read that one yet but I've heard that

it's really fucking depressing man I listen to it on audiobook as well and the guy that read it who's a fucking belt I've had that voice act in one of their books I think it was The Hangman he narrated

his voice and the fucking tone of the book and the fucking it's just so fucking depressing man aye it's a really grim read I'm reading Bob Saget's book and the fucking it's just so fucking depressing man aye it's a really grim read I'm reading Bob Saget's

book at the moment Dirty Daddy and was that was it books called or was it just your fan nickname you give it

when you tell this it's the name of his book I'm reading Bob Saget's book Dirty Daddy aye it's called Bob Saget's autobiography

me Bob Saget for anyone who doesn't know who Bob Saget for anyone who doesn't know who Bob Saget is he's like I mean he's been a comedian

since the fucking 70s he's had a great career he was but he's a very very dirty dark

comedian because of his childhood like he had two sisters die before he was born and then when he was growing up

he had two sisters die and four of his uncles died at the same fucking season I think he's the problem well he is a murderer but it's just like it's about how he developed

his really dark sense of humour but then he was also on the TV show Full House which was like the most like prime time family friendly family values TV show

and he was like the oh fucking hell so he had to just like act all happy families day in day out while like and then just go home. Yeah.

Well, yeah. Just a bunch of ains on the fireplace. Aye. But it's about... Fucking hell. He managed to... So people would come see his stand-up where he swears all the time

and he loves fucking fart and poo jokes and sex jokes and really horrible stuff. One of the bits is... I love sex and total humour. Right. Here is one of the bits from his book and I recommend people read it. It's just very funny and he's had

such an interest in life. So when his first wife was pregnant with her first child it was all going well and then they go to the hospital and then she goes into labour and then shit just hits the fan. Something fucking wrong her heart rate goes to zero she fucking

flatlines they pump her full of adrenaline it goes up to like 180 which is like almost worse like it's real fucking bad that's the point where she then goes unconscious they have to cesarean he's not allowed to be in the room for it he's outside they're just coming out every 30 minutes telling him what's going on at one point the nurse comes out with the baby in like an incubator and he's not allowed to touch the baby because it was born

under distress so it's immediately got to be taken but the nurse is crying and like I'm really sorry he's got to go out and like explain to not only

like professionals are getting PTSD off this yeah not only does he have to explain to his parents who are downstairs what's going on he's got to relay

the information to his mother and father-in-law and they're all trying to fucking stay strong through it. He goes and sees his wife. She's unconscious. They don't know if she's going to fucking make it. She suddenly wakes up.

She's in distress. It's this whole fucking ordeal, right? And so he's like, look, I've explained this and I do have to... It was very, very traumatic for all of us. They turned out great. But I've always had, in these sort of moments or afterwards, a dark sense of humour

like a gallows humour of saying the worst thing so a week after this he's at home and his wife's asleep and he's got the baby and Paul Provenza and some other guy

set list Paul Provenza and aristocrats Paul Provenza yeah so that's I mean they've worked together for years and years since the fucking 80s

Paul Provenza who's good for a bobsag it turns turns up, opens the door, Bob Saget opens the door with the baby and Paul Provenza is just like almost in tears because he's heard the whole thing. He loves his friend and he just goes, oh, Bob, talking about the baby, she's beautiful. Bob Saget goes, I'll light your finger up for a dollar. Right? Oh, no. Oh no! Right? Oh no!

Oh no! Right, so he's then going into this bit when he talks about it, he's like, man, for ten years Paul Provenza would tell that story backstage at green rooms, and I'm like, I can't remember saying it. Like, I don't, I genuinely don't, I was clearly, like, it is my sense of humour, I'm not denying that I said it, but are you sure I didn't I genuinely like don't I was clearly like it is my sense of humour I'm not denying that I said it

but are you sure I didn't say five dollars and he said I'm so apologetic he's like man I know that's the worst thing to say but that's just my sense of humour and just reason it

for me like that's yeah that's great I love that like he doesn't like that means he's got a fucking because he's doing family friendly stuff

but that's also his sense of humour behind closed doors. That's fucking great that he's got them gear changes. It's so funny. Again, he talks about his wife and daughter told him to put that joke in the book. They were like, look, we've grown up with you and we love you. You do have two

sides. You're a really loving caring, wonderful father and husband despite the divorce. But you've also just got this switch where just in the darkest times you'll make jokes

and that's because he grew up with people dying left and right. You know what this is? You know when somebody's got that daytime telly vibe, right? But then they just maintain daytime telly vibe throughout their life?

Like fucking Cosby. You always think there's something up don't you fucking Justin Lee Collins remember him aye

aye fucking hell so you always just go aye if you've got a dark sense of humour when the fucking camera's off you're probably

alright you're probably zoned I don't know if I could do I think that would be the fair play to him

for doing it but that would always be the big for me daytime TV like but if I just for me it, but that would always be the big, for me, daytime TV. But if it was... For me, it's I don't want the...

I don't want that audience. Well, remember when Tolisso Cipanda had done... Because he's always done Punch Drunk and he's always fucking smashed, right? So it was meant to get him back on after he'd done Britain's Got Talent because everybody had known who he was before he'd been on TV. So punch drunk audience come back they're fucking

like see him for this run of like five gigs but we also had this like handful of people that had come in off seen him off telly that had never been to a punch drunk gig before and they were whacking it because he was doing sex jokes and swearing and all that and i'm like i wonder if that was a lot of his audiences well but like like, in Punch Drunk, it was mostly just people that love comedy and that love him already, right? But I wonder if a lot of his audiences were people brought in after seeing him on TV, sanitized, and then him being himself doing his fucking mint routines

and upsetting them because they're like, oh, no, he said poo. Aye, aye. Well, man, that happens. I mean, that's the danger. I always think that's one of the contracts you sign with the devil if you're, as a comedian,

like Michael McIntyre's a really interesting one because you ask any comedian on the circuit in the early 2000s and they'll tell you McIntyre was one of the best comics on the circuit, if not the best comic. I don't doubt it. When I first saw him I was fucking mesmerised when I first saw him live at the Apollo.

But like live and comedy story because he did primetime TV McIntyre's Roadshow, everything like that where it is censored because it's the BBC and the BBC are spying on us fucking cowards he has this audience now where I remember watching him on all these shows and I thought he was great.

And then I saw him live at some fucking charity gig and he was filthy. And it was stuff I'd never seen him do on TV because of course I've never seen him. But man, the guy does fucking filth and swearing real, real well. But I was just sort of like, man, that's...

I wonder how he feels about it because he's clearly got this arsenal of fucking jokes and this whole side of him that he can do stand up wise but he just doesn't do it now because he's got this broad

audience and it's like alright well I guess I wonder if Lee Evans is the same oh yeah he can't go through the gears no I mean

has Lee Evans ever said cunt have you ever heard Lee Evans say cunt nah I think he swears though he does fuck off yeah he does yeah he does andunt? Nah. I think he swears though. He does. Fuck off. Yeah, he does.

Yeah, he does. And I think McIntyre also swears. Not to the fucking degree us legends do though. No. Billy Connolly and that, he was fucking...

Billy Connolly was fucking great. I love that documentary about him. I haven't seen it yet. I've seen loads of stuff with him in, like documentary-wise, but I haven't seen

the recent one. It's just very good. It's made by his daughters because they were just, not sick of people asking, but because he's out in Florida and he's got Parkinson's, people are always asking after him, and the result, like, media just makes fucking fake reports and do whatever.

So they're like, you know what? We're going to do, we're going to interview him. It's like that Alex Ferguson documentary. Oh, that was so fucking good. Like, I reckon even if you're not into football, that's just a good documentary. Aye, Fergie it's on Amazon

and it's after he had his heart attack I was getting emotional watching that I was welling up a little bit like it was fucking

they've got that clip where like it starts off with the son phoning the phoning 999 being like my

father's just collapsed on the floor and he's going over the details and I'm going oh yeah it was the actual audio footage from

the phone call the 999 call wasn't it aye and she's going okay we're sending what's his name and he goes

Alexander Ferguson and I'm like oh Alex is short for Alexander I've never heard him called Alexander I'm like oh it's

always just been that's one of your pet peeves isn't it when someone's name's short for Alexander. I've just never heard him called Alexander. I'm like, oh, it's always just been... That's one of your pet peeves, isn't it? When someone's name's... No, I've just got very strict rules about what names are, right? You can't just decide that a name

isn't short for something, right? A friend of ours had a kid called Zach and I'm like, short for Zachary. She was like, nope. And I'm like, yes it is! Zach is short for Zachary. Doesn't matter what you I'm like, short for Zachary. She was like, nope. And I'm like, yes it is! Zach is short for Zachary. Doesn't matter what you think. Zach is short for Zachary. So on the birth certificate, it better fucking be Zachary and the nickname... Wait, wait

one moment. Wait one fucking moment. What's your middle name? Jamie. Which is what people call James. I didn't choose my middle name. Are you... Aye. It should be James Jamie's James well fair enough

then I agree with you yes wow but I didn't I didn't give myself my middle name like it's this is why

you're mad about it people go oh hiya my name's Meg short for Megan nope yes it is

it fucking also the one that really confused me so your name is actually Daniel James Sloss aye fine fair enough Oh, hiya, my name's Meg. Oh, short for Megan. Nope. Yes, it is. Fucking it. Also, the one that really confused me. So your name is actually Daniel James Sloss. Aye, fine, fair enough. Yes, it is. It's not Jamie. Do you know Liam

is short for William? I did not know that. That makes us hate it. So much. That makes me hate it. So much. Well, Liam is the end. It's the Drew of William. It's the, it's the end. It's the Drew of William.

It's the fucking Topher. It's the Tory of Victoria. It's just... My name's Vicky. Oh, so it's Victoria. No, just Vicky. No, it's not! That's you.

That's so funny. You know what somebody pointed out there recently? It was actually, it didn't get pointed out. I missed it on the Q&A that were done for the Patreon because I didn't check the inbox because I'm a fucking idiot. But Felicia, hi, Felicia. No, no, it's bye, Felicia. I'm saying hi to her.

No, no, but the phrase is bye, Felicia. That's not what I'm doing. Oh. Bye, Felicia. What's this? I have a word. I'm saying hi to Felicia. Right, so she she said that,

did you, this was a question, did you choose the titles of your shows Dark, Jigsaw, Socio because it's your initials? Oh my God! And I know you didn't, but I was fucking dying to tell you that because fucking that is... Oh my God!

How good is that you had fucking the idea you did it and I dark Daniel Jr sloss

xenophobe yeah kiss kiss oh my god no I didn't fucking I didn't know

that Jesus what a subconscious narcissist and conscious it's not just subconscious it's like both but yeah

but there's two like it's like an iceberg like you can see some of the narcissism above the water there's way more underneath way more

that never makes its way to the surface and that's why I'm so dangerous so Gav start because you've got us thinking about this now

where every time I hear a name I always try and question whether it's short for something So Gav started because you've got us thinking about this now where every time I hear a name I always try and question whether it's short for something and Gav started calling his daughter Horace

because she looked like a tortoise when she was out cuddled up in bed and all that Was it a turtle called Horace? No I just think

it's a tortoise's name You know like I named me tortoise Raymond Raymond's a tortoise name Horace like it's just a tortoise it just suits a tortoise

you know what I mean so he calls her Horace the tortoise and I'm like is Horace short for something is Horace like it's just a tortoise it just suits a tortoise you know what I mean so he calls Horace the tortoise and I'm like is Horace short for something is Horace short for Horatio

I would assume it was because you never hear that name but you often hear Horace not often not often but like

it's more way more common I mean I have not anyone called Horace not at all but I think it's like because if you were to call a kid Horace I would say it anyone called Horace not at all but I think it's like because if you were

to call a kid Horace I would say it would be Horatio Humphreys which now that I've heard it Horatio Humphreys good name works doesn't it

aye stick that in your back pocket I couldn't call a fucking kid after Admiral Nelson when I live in Scotland I feel like Admiral Nelson was a live in Scotland. I feel like

Admiral Nelson was a good guy, you know. I've no idea who he is. I only know him from the Wittank sketch. Rim me, Hoddy! Rim me! If you want to know that reference, Wittank is a great sketch group that had Naz's

Man Alone and two other comedians. Kieran Boyd and Mark Cooper-Jones. Aye. They do... It was on BBC. It was on some fucking French show. It's one of my favourite sketches. Yeah, I'd seen it live a bunch of times,

but I think you can't find it on YouTube. If you type in Remy Hardy... Aye. Or which... HS Search History. Aye. So, I read, when I was on a... I was reading, like,

50 Things You Must Know About British History, right? Just a fucking shite book. It's just 49 apologies. And I was on a comedown. I'd been at a festival, right? I was already in the middle of this book, right? But I was just, like, trying to get my life back in order.

I was fucking... I'd been on pills and all that, right? I was on a serotonin deficit. And I was reading about Hor get my life back in order. I was fucking, I'd been on pills and all that, right? I was on a serotonin deficit. And I was reading about Horatio Nelson got shot on board his ship. And his crew managed to succeed by implementing his plan while he was dying. And apparently he commanded so much respect that everyone just fucking utilised his plan and went ahead with it while he was dying, right? And I started crying.

I mean, he was such a good leader. Was he actually... No, I loved him. All these people loved him. I bet they didn't. I bet I was reading a propaganda piece, but you know how it is. Was he a general?

Like, what was... Was he part of the Navy? He was a naval commander. Got you. Yeah. Got shot in the eye, didn't he? Don't know. You tell me.

Aye. Yes, I mean, yes. Aye. Who else got shot in the eye? That kind of 1066, he got shot in the eye didn't he don't know you tell me aye yes I mean yes aye who else got shot in the eye that kind of 1066 he got shot in the eye did he aye

or John Hastings because on the there's that the 1066 the Battle of Hastings there's that big fucking

tapestry tapestry eye and I'm pretty sure one of the guys in it shot through the eye it's a big thing like he got he was like I'm gonna fucking win of the guys in it shot through the eye. It's a big thing like he got. He was like I'm going to fucking win this

and that would make you lose. No matter how good your general is right. No matter how fucking inspiring it is. If you get shot through the eye their archers are too good. Like that's I'm done. Armoured down.

Weapons down. I'm fucking. What language do you use? French Bonjour Savoie Bonjour d'oeil Please welcome me Into your open arms Cause like that I threw the

Like chest fine Leg fine Belly fine Eye Fuck that He's wearing a helmet It goes through the slit in the eye I am not fighting those cunts

Fuck that for a laugh Motherfucker I've got Legolas I've got Legolas with me Abort I'm not fighting those cunts. Fuck that for a laugh. Motherfucker, I've got Legolas. I've got Legolas with me. A boat. I'm just not interested in taking part in that battle. I think it's bad for the people taking part. What about the person trying to draw the picture?

I'm a fucking knitting needle. Not that he stitched it with a knitting needle. No, no. I'm aware of that as a man of the craft. All this talk of eyes made me remember, I might have told you this story before, but you know how it is. I'll wield it again for you.

I was on a flight once and I was playing Sporkle. You ever play Sporkle? It's like a quiz. It'll be like, name all the capitals of African countries, right? So you'll be like, Rwanda. Rwanda.

The ones that sound like Rwanda. Hold on. Rwanda Rwanda that one that sounded like Rwanda hold on I'm trying to Windhoek I'm trying to think of African capitals so I was on this one where it was

parts of the body with three letters ear ear right nose didn't fit I tried

toe toe rib lip I tried't fit I tried toe toe rib lip lip I tried nip I tried tit tit

no I'm on the flight ball arm leg ball b-a-w probably tried ball

right so I'm on the flight and I've got like whatever it was 12 out of 13 I can't remember how many there was exactly right and I've got one left right

and I'm fucking typing in tit ball nose right all the stuff that you were just suggesting having a go at it they take a time out I can't remember how many there was exactly, right? And I've got one left, right? And I'm fucking typing in tit, bo, noz, right? All the stuff that you were just suggesting, having a go at it. They take their time. I was like, seven, six, what's after six? Five, right? Like, I've already got everything but one

in the bloke next to this on the flight. Just went, aye, it's aye! Fucking took me, you know? Like, chance, mate. It was fucking so frustrating. Just sat there, just kind of fucking, got a tight eye, like, oh, I'm going to fucking have a life, you know he was fucking so frustrated just sat there just kind of fucking got a tight eye

like oh I'm going to fucking have a life he couldn't help himself I said alright mate can we get this man a glass

of water or a whiskey he needs to calm the fuck down actually mate actually I've been I'm just trying to

kill time I didn't realise I was slowing down your flight incredible so for this week's bonus to kill time I didn't realise I was slowing down your flight incredible so for this week's bonus episode

on Thursday I've got a surprise for you oh aye uh huh Eden and I was doing this because you decided

that you want to have an outing with the podcast so thanks for being a guest on it so thanks for being a guest on my podcast

Daniel not one not one plug on Instagram or Twitter no I'm not on Twitter for being a guest on it. So thanks for being a guest on my podcast, Daniel. Not one plug on Instagram or Twitter. No. I'm not on Twitter. I should plug it more on Instagram. But I just...

There's two sides to things. Like, I... fucking hate social media so much. And I hate people... And I understand social media is just for plugging this shit but I've just got such a hatred for people that relentlessly

fucking plug things and I know this is an issue I just need to get over it personally that I'm like I don't want to be that fucking cunt and also I know we want I know you want this podcast to be

like bigger and better and it can be because you know we've got such a lovely fan base I like the fan base this already you just want to keep it keep it and I know we can be because you know we've got such a lovely fan base I like the fan base this already you just want to keep it and I know we

shouldn't because I know I know there's good audience members out there but like man how do we find them without

dragging in dross aye it's the delisa chiponda thing like it's like man we've got this good fan base here

we're allowed to be wrong on this podcast we're allowed to like throw out ideas ignorant fucking opinions nobody holds anything against us yeah you know we're allowed to be wrong on this podcast. We're allowed to like, throw out ideas, ignorant fucking opinions. Nobody holds anything against us. Yeah,

when, you know, we're allowed to just sort of, I mean, just be twat and I really like the fucking freedom of it. And if people, I just worry that if there's more people

and they're second guess complaints, I'm just going to go, oh man. Get a second guess everything that you say. I remember when this was fun. So we want to try and get cool people in, which when we're back gigging again

we'll be able to because your audiences are always class. We're going to tell them about it. So there's probably a lot of audience members that come to the shows

that don't know what it's on because they're not on social media. Well I mean I'll tell you this another reason why it's hard to plug on Insta

is just because like I mean first of all our foot was not that great. Oh wait that's what I've come up with for you today. That's what the surprise is. I've got a new, I've got new branding done.

Because we've been using that grainy, dated photo. We're almost catfishing. People knew five years has passed. So I thought we might as well catfish in the morning. Like, I've got some common law done. So I've got that. That's going to be my new branding and stuff. And I'm also going to give away five. i'm going to make a sign some stuff i've printed out five copies of the their new logo

and we're going to sign them and send them their five what patreons as a thank you for supporting me sweet again with this point so you know once i've packaged it and branded it and that we'll start pushing it a bit i start pushing a bit more eye because then it's i i and then if you've got like i don't know yeah I mean I'll if you want man if you want it on Facebook or Twitter you've got to go through Marlena

I don't do my will she put her muggle fucking comment next to it no can you not like make a personalised comment that you can send to her aye I do man

it's so funny like she's like because she likes me posting things in my voice because

you know that's what that's what my audience like and she thinks she can do my voice. Do your voice? I can say it in my life. That's what I was saying. I'm not going to ask Molly that plug. I've seen her plug in your shows where I'm like, that's not Danny.

Is that a Danny robot? Is that the Danny Bot 3000 doing a fucking post for your show? Here's a question for you. What are my top five swear words I use? We can't. Aye. Do you use fanny a lot? Or is that me?

It's you I think. Aye. You use it as a adverb as well. Fanny and on. Do you not? No. Right. I projected that upon you. Aye. I do say fanny but only about like if you're being a, you can be a fanny, but I wouldn't have sex

with a fanny. I might slap a fanny. Because I hate that there's, like, sexist connotations to the word fanny because, like, in Scotland,

a fanny's just someone that's fanny or not. Like, you're being a fanny. Oh, man, people, they just go... I've adopted this from Natalie Cowan as a fanny.

Aye. When people are like, oh, you know, that's a sexist term, you go, man, look, like, it comes from there, but the words change and fucking evolve. You can sit there

with your, cunt's a sexist term all you want. I'm not using it in a sexist way. You can bring up the fucking history of it all you fucking like. You're fucking wrong about it. I'm using it with the definition it has now. Not the definition it has 70 years ago, 100 years ago, 150 years ago. I'm using the word

cunt with the definition of what I know. And a cunt is an annoying person who won't shut the fuck up, just like you, you fucking cunt. It's got nothing to do with a vagina, unless I'm using it in the turn of, like, I've kicked her in the cunt, or whatever. Which would be sexist. Which is usually said in the middle of an apology. Aye.

Sorry for kicking you in the cunt, love. Aye. Stop fanning on. No, stop being a fan. No, I think the biggest fannies are the people who think other people are being fannies. Like, the hypocrisy of that comment. The people who go, oh, I can't believe you can't put adverts anymore for York, you're saying it's a man bar, right?

Oh, stop the earth, let me get off. You can for your saying it's a man bar, right? Stop the earth, let me get off. You can't even say it's a man chocolate bar anymore, right? Hang on a minute. You're the one being a fanny here because you're crying about a chocolate bar advert. Don't. He's not allowed to be advertised in this specific way. Fuck off, you fanny.

My favourite advert. Your favourite advert, you fucking loser. Don't. Go and take a long walk off of a short cliff, you fucking loser go and take a long walk off of a short cliff you fucking pleb

you know they're going yeah I can't believe fucking what ancestors went to war so he could wear his hair

like that on a top knot you're like are you critiquing someone's haircut you funny you're absolute funny

like they think they're sticking at the fannies while simultaneously being the biggest fannies. Aye. Yeah, you can't fuck with others.

I just... Aye. Aye. So, so that's... I wanted to bring something up. No, no, no.

We're still going through my top five swear words. Okay, yeah. So, cunt. Cunt. You know what? I think you're

pretty basic with them. Shit and piss. Shit, piss. I mean, you've missed the big one. Arsehole. Fuck. Fuck, yeah. Sorry piss I mean you've missed the big one arsehole fuck fuck yeah

sorry I did miss the big one and arsehole was the fifth I would say so but I tell you what it's not bellend

I say bellend I'm going to say maybe once or twice a week I'm not saying I never say it but maybe once

or twice a week maximum Marlena puts it in every single post she's like alright bellends I'm like Marlena I don't say single post. She's like, all right, bellends. I'm like, Marlena,

I don't say all right, bellends. I say, all right, fucking cunts. That's the... So, did I ever tell you about when you called us? I did, because we fucking had crack about it loads.

I called you a Jodie Bellend once and she thought that was the funniest thing in the whole wide world. She wanted a title. I think that's why she thinks I use bellend all the time. She wanted a title.

My 2015 show, How To Be Happy About The Secret To Happiness. She wanted to call it Geordie Bellend. And I'm like, who's that for? Because Geordies wouldn't like it. I don't think Geordies would like it if I was pitching myself as Geordie Bellend. Geordie Bellend sounds like a good drag

name. Geordie Bellend. But Bell with like E-L-L-E. Yeah, yeah. Geordie Bellend sounds like a good drag name Geordie Bellend but Bell with like E-L-L-E yeah Geordie Bell End Geordie

Geordie Bellend Geordie Bellend we should have said that she's going to listen to this and that's going to be the name of your next show she does listen to me hi Molly

now we love you oh we do I'll edit that out I wanted to bring something up but I'm going to try Arlene, we love you. Aye, we do. I'll edit that out. I wanted to bring something up, but I'm going to try not to pass judgment here. I'm just going to try and let you tie yourself in the knots. Aye.

You, Daniel Sloss, Daniel James Sloss, put the teabag in with the milk. Aye. And then add the hot water. Yeah, add the what now? Add the sugar in first as well. Sugar. Yeah, well, put the sugar in with the boiling water. add the sugar in first as well sugar yeah well put the put the sugar in

with the boiling water it's soluble right there's implications why you would put that in with the boiling water before the milk but it'll still dissolve it's not gonna

you're not gonna get crunchy bits of sugar in if you put it in with the milk that's not really the big deal of it it just tastes fucking rank mate I've never drank tea in my life

I can see why I can see why now you could make me the greatest cup of tea in my life I can see why I can see why if you could make me the greatest cup of tea in the world I'm not going to enjoy it like it's fucking it's leaves in hot water

aye but you know smoking a spliff leaves in fire aye that's way better if you're going to give me leaves let me fucking inhale it like give me a fucking effect it gives a psychoactive

cup of tea in my eyes aye yeah absolutely you put man if you put weed leaves if you put weed leaves are good leaves I like those leaves you makeactive cup of tea and I'm yours yeah absolutely you put man if you put weed leaves if you put weed leaves are good leaves I like those leaves

you make a cup of tea with that I'll fucking drink it regardless of what it tastes like but you know fucking tea leaves grow up any person that gets

you know you're literally you're talking about fannies that act like fannies this is it who gives a fucking shit how fucking tea is made it's like bottom tier drink no it's not it absolutely fucking is it's made whether it's a bottom tier drink or not Who gives a fucking shit how fucking tea is made? It's like bottom tier drink. No, it's not like that at all.

It absolutely fucking is. It's made, whether it's a bottom tier drink or not, it's a fucking, it's a mass sold refreshment that people love, right? You didn't like it, but you must look at that.

Like Natalie doesn't like coffee, but she gets it that way fucking like a coffee in the morning. She doesn't beg at all. It's just fucking, what is it? Beans. Just beans.

Just fucking ground up beans. You're fanny. But that is how I feel about coffee right so it's a refreshment that's fucking world renowned it's like

people love it it's fucking got something about it that just fucking gives everybody that ah feeling like when they sit down at the end of a long day right

or if they get up in the morning or you know just with a breakfast fucking people love tea right not you right that doesn't mean you have to

fucking butcher the shit out of it when you make it for someone no the only person I've made tea for growing up in my entire fucking life was my mum

and she liked it that way that's how she yeah oh Jesus she liked it that she specifically asked for it that way and she just tried it

the other way I'll get her on the fucking board man I'll get her on the board I can phone her right now and get her to defend herself that would be interesting because like it doesn't matter what her defense is

because you're not like he because I had this conversation with you on whatsapp and you're like she's a doctor she's a scientist I think you're not but you made her look like Carol McGiffin you made her look like parking lot scientist rather than like the intelligent woman that she actually is milk in milk in before the before the hot water. Milk with a tea bar. Aye, that's what she says. Jesus, wept. God, mum, you've got nothing else on

apart from your full-time job. You're naked. It's just like, which is a weird metaphor because you could just turn it around, but it's like putting the filter on the wrong end of the spliff. Which, if you did that, you would just turn it around. But it's like smoking, it's like wanting to smoke your fucking spliff filter first.

You're like... It's like you put your ketchup on your burger and then put it under the grill. Like, it's just a weird, it's like... You're just simply doing it wrong and making it taste like a completely different drink it's honestly it's like you describe when you're like you wipe your arse wrong

as long as it's fucking clean by the end yeah that's the thing it's not you end up leaving the toilet with shit out of your bowels Danny if you're using that metaphor your arse isn't clean by the end of it. I don't, man, I think tea is bottom tier thing.

I'm never going to fucking drink it. I don't care for people that fucking drink it. If it improves your day a single iota, what a sad little life you live.

Like, what a sad little life that the thing that you live will be. You like a refreshment. It's not a refreshment, it's a hot fucking drink. It's a hot fucking drink it's a hot fucking drink

it's a hot drink that's refreshing that's the magic behind it that's the beauty of it in a cold country when you can have something that's hot and refreshing from a man that has

fucking soup in the desert you had soup in the desert nah pick a lane you went to Arizona and you ordered soup for breakfast that wasn't Arizona it was Arizona

nah it was nah and also we were in an air conditioned airport nah that is true but like we had just stepped in at the heat and you were like

oh more of that no no no it's because American look Britain is the only country in the world that does good like sandwiches in service stations

I don't know what it is about the rest of the world like you know just packet sandwiches yo you know what it's the worst fucking thing in the world right is that the front load of sandwich right so you go to W.H. Like, you know, just pack it in sandwiches. Yeah, you know what? It's the worst fucking thing in the world, right? Is that the front load

of sandwich, right? So you go to WH Smith and you'll see all this like ham and cheese or whatever it is you're buying. So you'll see like bread, a thick wedge of filling, bread, right?

But then if you open the sandwich, you'll see the front load of it and it's just across the cut and it's not on the depth of the sandwich. What a shit prank. What a fucking heartless, shit cunt,

awful, vindictive, shit thing to do. And it's every European country on the YouTube. Which bastard does that to make money? All of them. Fuck you.

Aye. Fuck you pranking us with a sandwich. Taking me money. It's not like I get a fucking wedge of notes and all that and then chuck 20 pence at you and run off.

Aye. I don't do that with the money when I give you it. It's fucking nasty. It's not like I get a fucking wedge of notes and all that and then chuck 20 pence at you and run off. Aye. I don't do that with the money when I give you it. It's fucking nasty. It's horrible. But anyway, in America, they eat good sandwiches. No, no, no, they don't. So, man, eating in airports is fucking difficult, right? Because America does do good breakfast,

but in the sense that, do you want 19 fucking pancakes? Oh, it's so late. I'm going to have some breakfast. They have a side to pancake. I'm going to have some breakfast in the lake. do you want 19 fucking pancakes oh it's it's so late i'm gonna i'm gonna have some breakfast i'm gonna have some breakfast in the lake do you want some diabetes with it it's a side of pancakes man if you just want the only the only light thing you can order in america it's soup it's the only light thing in the fucking world i have i'm feeling that because i was tired of it when when we're two half American it's so hard because it's the portions you get given

and I'm raised not to leave anything man I eat what I'm given I try not I try not to have waste I'll tell you what like what I'll do

is at some point I will get on the I'll get on the blower to my mum and I'll I'll record I'll just get just record it on here

have a conversation with your mum and just like, just watch everybody just lose a little bit of respect for you around the world. Just a little bit. In fact,

you know what? This is my opinion. Your opinion is that people who find tea refreshing, fuck you. They can have your tea however. I don't give a fuck. I'll put a shit in it.

It's tea. Yeah, it's tea. This is my theory. If you put milk in before the hot water when you're making tea just give us your national insurance number

it's revoked you're not a citizen man she's not you're not a fucking citizen like she's I guarantee you she's the

smartest person in this room and that listens to the podcast and she does something like that's a bit of a war crime it's a little bit of a

breach of the Geneva Convention it's a bit of an atrocity I need you to know that you're turning into Piers Morgan and his fucking scone debate it's like you've got to put the cream on

before the jam otherwise it's fucking wrong it's against the oh who gives a fucking shit mate I'm just saying it's a bomb to your snack I just think this

you know how like I hold your mom in high esteem I've got her on such a pedestal very intelligent woman very smart very measured

but you know how there's that thing of like Hitler loved his dog this is like the opposite this is like Leslie Sloss puts the milk in

with the tea bag before the hot water that's what that is and that you're just conditioned to just take everything that she gives you and run with it because she's mostly right

but she's really sulked you down the river with this one Daniel James Sloss honestly I can't no insult hurts me less than you make a shit cup of tea I need everyone to understand

you could get a thousand people to chant at me for four hours and I would look at those people going I am cooler than everyone doing this I don't I wouldn't have any

bullying connotations I wouldn't feel bad about myself no no this is just to put it into perspective right you know if you

if you give me a shot of expensive whiskey right and I just crack it up in a fucking tin of Pepsi Max and topped it up with a Pepsi Max, right? And then I started giving you grief and boot.

It's only fucking hops in our lap, man. That's just how I like it. Oh, what are you saying? Oh, yeah, she's ringing. Hello? Speak out. Hello? Hiya.

So, we're on the podcast. It's not Sloss and Humphries on the Road podcast. Aye. And Kai is angry at me Because Basically he found out I make Tea You put the milk in

You put the milk in With the bag and then the hot water Yes Yes you put the milk in Yeah and then the bag's in there And then you pour the hot water on And then you put the bag... No, you put the milk in, yeah, and then the bag's in there and then you pour the hot water on and then you take the bag out immediately. There you go.

Leslie, why are you doing this? Because that's what tea should look like. It should look like dirty dishwasher. That's... And it shouldn't taste of tea. Listen to what you're saying. Listen to what you're saying.

Dirty dishwasher's not... dishwasher's not a positive thing. I just like hot milky water, but I pretend it's tea. I think that's the issue. Oh, right. Yeah, you don't like tea. Oh, because it's bottom tier fucking drink. That's why it's shite. Was there not...

I've been defending you to the hilt, saying that there was some science behind it, because that normally helps me win arguments. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no again because he was very rude he talked over and explain it he does that on podcasts he talks over people i've seen that if you drop the milk in all the milk gets scalded if you put the milk in at the bottom and pour the hot water in then the milk heats up slower than it would by thrusting it into a bucket of hot tea you know what i mean so milk tastes different i can tell if martin has put the milk in afterwards correctly ily, you mean? Instead of saying afterwards, could you say

correctly? Hit a correct prediction. If Martin dares to make me a proper cup of tea, I can tell and I send him back to do it wrong. Is that what you want me to say? Yes, thank you. Thanks for clarifying that, Leslie. You're a star. Thank you, Mum. Love you.

Love you. Bye. Bye. Oh my God, you're a star. Thank you, Mum. Love you. Love you. Bye. Bye. Oh, my God. What a weird family. Bye. What a weird family. But there you go.

There's another one that's mine. I'm not full of shit. I just found out just this moment that Josie killed herself because the cup of tea she was brought.

She couldn't make her own. We were... Hold on. Hold on. She couldn't make her own. Hold on. Hold on. We were giving

a six-year-old spastic cups of tea. God, we really are a weird family. You can't call it tea, let's be honest. We call it dirty dishwater. He should have been honest with that. Should have given her some fucking coffee. Fucking made her snort the beans and put the hot water in her mouth. Oh my God.

Right, that's enough about my mum. Let's move on to your dad. Okay. Before we move on to the dads, let us just plug. We're going to be at the Fringe. If you are in around Edinburgh, thinking about visiting Edinburgh, we're going to be doing shows. You're doing a solo show, which I'll be opening for.

It's not a solo show then, is it? Well, never is, really. I'll be doing a work-in-progress show, a new material with Gareth Waugh and Ryan Cullen. Guild of Balloons, I think, but it's not on sale yet, so I'll let you know when it's confirmed. Aye, and I'm on the Corn Exchange, and we're also going to add some dates

at the Edinburgh Festival Theatre, and you can find those. Also, by the way, if you're in Edinburgh, do us a favour. Go and tell people that the Edinburgh Festival's on. And not just to see my show, but a lot of people I'm talking to in Edinburgh, friends are like, is the Fringe on this year? And you're like, yeah, because they've not done a lot of advertising.

Because there's normally billboards full of pictures everywhere, like you can see the Fringe coming at mail-off from July. So please, even if it's not to see my show, please understand that the Fringe is on in a smaller capacity and go with a lot of goodwill. The fucking comedians

are like fucking coming back out of the hibernation. And just yeah, go tell your friends that the Fringe is on and go to see other shows, whatever they are, to go out and do the research because we missed it last year. It's a fucking great festival, let's say. And it's not going to be the same this year, but we're building up and it doesn't have to be

as good as the previous years because it's better than last year's. And also, I want to plug the Thursday Patreon is when you're going to find out about the new branding and when five of you are going to get given a signed picture. Wherever you are in the world, I'll send it to you.

Your dad dislocated his eye from its socket by rolling them watching women competing in the Olympics. Your dad still has his baby teeth. You ever seen a vodka luge? Vodka luge? Like the big ice sculpture and then you hold your mouth at the bottom of a slide on the ice

and they pour vodka from the top and it goes down the ice into your mouth at the bottom of a slide on the ice and they pour vodka from the top and it goes down the ice into your mouth and the vodka's cold. Have you ever seen one of those things? That sounds like such a Cara Mitchell thing. Oh, I mean, it probably is. Oh my God, we should get one at the wedding. Get a vodka.

Cara, Cara, Cara, if you're listening to this, book one for the wedding, I can't be arsed. Right, anyway, right. So you know, now that I've played them, your dad does that with mouthwash in your mum's crack.

Your dad swapped his passport for a kidney on the black market and was mortified when he couldn't use it to get the bit of dough. Your dad puts out candles with his arse. Not farting. Doesn't fart them out. Squats above it. Opens his butthole.

Lowers his body. And then pinches it out. Oh, nice. His 50th birthday cake took ages. And he licked his ass lips between each one. Ass lips? Ass lips? Yeah.

Your dad wanted to be taller, so he bowed himself up to the knees in the garden and watered himself. Your dad inflates his car tires with his mouth. He's got fucking incredible lungs. It's impressive. What's funny about it is he has to get his tongue into the little valve bit.

Your mum's a lucky woman. Your dad lost his sense of smell through COVID as if by coincidence he now bonds a lot more with his children and sleeps in the same bed as his wife. Your dad lost his job as a fluffer in porn because every time there was a cum shot he jumped in the way like a bodyguard taking a hit for the president.

Mr President! No! God damn it, Kev! Right on his tits. No, no, I'm just his van halen shirt he's just wearing that you know you look like a fucking toddler with just a t-shirt on

you still got a hard on from fluffing it your dad hires a male escort to come round to his house and play with lego oh nostalgia for the Your dad hires a male escort to come round to his house and play with Lego. Nostalgia for the joke I just told.

Alright. See you next week. See you Thursday for the big reveal.