Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.32 Behind her Bong Eye

Episode Date: August 11, 2021

Muggins is three episodes into a series he's enjoying and Cream tries (without spoilers) to lower his expectation for a horrific twist which ruins the whole show. Cream lets off some steam about dishwasher etiquette.

Good Monday morning patrons and happy Wednesday everyone in the cheap seats. This podcast is basically me recovering from death's door after letting the vaccine whoop my ass. We talk about my bong eye that I used to have, that I had fixed and still doesn't work fully. We talk about behind her eyes. It's a very eye themed podcast. And then Daniel starts getting real personal about the way i load his dishwasher i've been staying at daniel's house for the for the start of the fringe and um he doesn't like some of my house etiquette so he brings that up and then he tries to defend the tea thing again which devalues all of his other arguments personally makes him look like a real macum

it's proper macum behavior putting putting milk in with a teabag uh so yeah this is your podcast enjoy it oh oh by the way, before I start the podcast, I want to let you know, we've ordered a Rodecaster and two Rode mics. I don't know if this means anything to you, but it's basically thanks to everyone chipping in with Patreon subscriptions

we've managed to buy the best tech in the game, so the sound quality after this podcast is about to go through the roof. Enjoy this podcast and I'll see you on Thursday. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

Danny? What? I have not been very well. Oh, you handled the second vaccine like a bitch, didn't you? Like an absolute bitch. I think I may have words to eat. Was I agreeing with you when you were saying that anybody who reacts badly to the vaccine is a bitch didn't you like an absolute bitch I think I might have words to eat was I agreeing with you when you were saying that anybody who reacts badly to the vaccine is a coward

I'm pretty sure absolutely yes was I being the voice of reason was I going ah nah you never know everybody reacts differently no that doesn't sound like you at all I don't always text signs with you when you're on your rant you do when it's toxic masculinity

I usually put up with a bit of opposite if I bring toxic masculinity into it you when you're on your rant you do when it's toxic masculinity I usually put up with like if I bring toxic masculinity into it you'll always join on the side of it as is the nature of toxic masculinity yeah I think I show opposition even if it's playing devil's advocate no not if it's a chance to call somebody else weaker than you then you're normally on my side of things

so if I was on the side of anyone that has a whitey because of their second vaccine is a fucking loser, you would have absolutely been at least, at the very least, on my side. If not, applauding me, being like, oh my god. Preach. Well, if I was a tabloid newspaper and I

had put the headline out in June that people are pussies that react badly to a vaccine, I would probably put a small redaction on is redaction the right word? yeah on like page 28

is that redaction? redaction is when you put the black lines through it and you hide parts of the article but I'd definitely I'd definitely put like a little

I'm going to still call it a redaction you know what I mean you know what I mean you're screaming at the podcast But I definitely put a little... I'm going to still call it a redaction. You know what I mean. You know what I mean. You're screaming at the podcast what the actual word I'm looking for is. I don't think they are. But I can't hear you.

I don't think we have that smarter fan base. I don't know. They're smarter than us. I don't know if that's true either. Maybe on some subjects. You know how people watch reality TV shows so they can look down at the people on the reality TV shows and feel better about themselves? Yes, I'm very aware

of what my life is, yes. Yes, I think that's what people do with this podcast. I think people listen to us so they can feel better about themselves, Daniel. Maybe. Do you not think they come to hear some home truths? Some zingers? Maybe. You know what? For all the times we're arguing about pizza

dip, I did mention to someone someone like quoted us on like a bit that was spoke about it about mental health and I was like aye often there's like

a nugget of gold amongst all of the rowan about stuff aye it's like a kid that's eating a penny like if you look through enough of it's shit

you're gonna find something shiny but that doesn't strange analogy but aye but okay do you never swallow

a fucking penny as a kid that was one thing I used to say when I used to objectify women what is I would feed her a silver sixpence

and look through a shit like a Yuletide log oh as in you fancy her and that's like I would drag my call through

broken glass to hear her fart through a wet microphone like that that type of got you that level I'd fart her out of microphone. Like that. Yes, that level. I'd fart here out of bed for kicking. That's mine!

I know it. How fucking dare you patter theft me in front of me on our fucking podcast? Jesus fucking I'll fucking put it on a shirt then and sell it and give me the profits then you

fucking snake. I know you won't. It wasn't a call back when they don't know that was Matt Banner I was putting forward thank god I'm on this podcast otherwise you would have been running away oh that's me Matt Banner my dad did that dad thing a while ago

I could have said I drink a bath water but I wouldn't know who to credit it to probably Elliot like if anyone's drinking a girl's bath water it's Elliot Bathwater, but I wouldn't know who to credit it to, but since the person... Probably Elliot. Like, if anyone's drinking a girl's bathwater, it's Elliot. Aye. What are the ones, what's the like, that was the... Oh, let's not go through them. Let's not make that the podcast.

Okay, let's go back to making sick. Aye, there we go. Make me endearing rather than... Rather than hated. Instead of, let's go back to the sexism we all used to do you know what it's one of those you know like in an American sitcom

there's always that one episode in season 6 where the writers have taken a strike and they just go here's some of our favourite scenes from the last 6 seasons you want to do a sexist version of that for the podcast here's some of the worst things we've ever said about women because why not

if they didn't have cunts we'd throw stones at them what's the game snakes with tits aye let's not let's not revisit that even though we kind of did

we did aye with a lair with a lair it was laired but we did it aye yeah so I'd done this thing

where I got vaccinated and then it was just like telling everyone that I was dealing with it well I'd done the then it was just like telling everyone that I was dealing with it well I'd done the gig I was just like you know what I just feel

like I was just playing it off like I just feel like I do when I first wake up in the morning and I haven't had my coffee yet sad I have a nightmare don't talk to us

so I was like I just feel a bit lethargic but otherwise I'm fine that was one of the original Muggles wasn't it from Muggle Corner it was

anyone that's like I'm not myself was one of the original muggles wasn't it from Muggle Corner it was anyone that's like I'm not myself until I have my coffee oh that is muggled so I was in that pocket that's where I was and I went to bed and I woke up

after like an hour like in a pool of sweat shivering like fucking roasted like I was absolutely

fucking roasting right and I guess what were you dreaming about i was having fever dreams right where i'm really glad i'm in a good place psychologically at the minute because i had if i had anything to be anxious about it would have been full-on anxiety dreams about whatever i was whatever was on my mind but at the minute like there's no doubt on my mind at all pretty much a blank canvas but I was micromanaged planning my next day right and I was

making contingencies for literally everything like if every eventuality but there was stacking and then like I would start forgetting what my original ones were and panicking over them and then I'd wake up and I'd forget what they were but my mind was just cluttered and it was like that

you'd been in the dream for like 19 hours but like five minutes and past of real time so it's like that level of shit and I guess Natalie could he get any tablets on the bedside and I just saw like start rubbing and then fall back asleep with our arms on the bedside table it's I was like, it was just a moment, and I was like, I should fund them. And like a minute or two passed, and I was like,

I think she's back asleep again. And I just heard her slopping her lips. What was she doing about it? She was eating the tablets. She was killing herself. It's taking me shit. She's like, I can't believe I married a bitch.

I can't believe I married a man who's got such an adverse reaction to the second vaccine I'll take these and I'll die beside him which by the way no no she knows why

you know why she she had a vaccine yesterday is she fine oh is she fine she's totally fine same vaccine

same both Moderna Moderna well well well she worked out she's's been getting on with her life I got malaria

off mine aye you were a bit malaria's a good word to say in my accent by the way malaria malaria

just because there's so many vowels I've got malaria oh no it sounds fun I've got the Zika virus it's why my head's so small

Ebola oh Ebola's good. But Ebola just sounds... Ebola. It sounds like I'm getting excited about Ebola. Yeah. Ebola. Why do Geordies say E when they're excited?

Like, they're just like a fucking kettle boiling. E. E. E, I don't know. I have noticed it. You all do it. E. It's kind of fun that eee

my mum does it the most she opens every sentence with eee it's class it's absolutely class Linda so how are you

feeling today little fucking so I've basically I had to talk you through it right now I fell asleep looking for it

but I knew there was only like there was only one tablet you know you take two you're a grown up

well would you you little bitch could you handle one I was going to have a little half of one can I have half a paracetamol please can't handle two

backseats can you handle two whole pills I think you bit off more than you could chew so do you know for all the years I've been married

I didn't realise that sometimes I'll ask Natalie to do something in the morning like if it's on his side of the bed in a hotel room I'll go realise that sometimes I ask Natalie to do something in the morning like if it's on her side of the bed in a hotel room

I go can you rummage through the bag and find that and recharge her or whatever right in there it turns out Natalie is so blind

and I don't take into consideration that like she doesn't sleep with her contact lenses on oh yeah she is blind as fuck she has like

horrendous eyesight so blind which explains I mean there's obviously we're all making the same joke. We all know that joke. It's not a joke because it's fact. She's importantly blamed.

It is crucial. It's really crucial to know. What's the secret to a long marriage? Natalie's condition. Blamedness. I'm always asking, to do stuff in the morning. Can you get that? I'm asking a blind person to rummage around blindly. So I'm like

I know that the other tablets are in my bag downstairs. So you sent her downstairs. I literally couldn't ask her to do that and I was in such a fucking shit state that I had to literally pep talk myself into going down the stairs I'm like a fucking zombie

and I left you couldn't make her go down there she would have had to put her contact lenses in in the middle of the night and then take them back to go back to bed

or just put your glasses next to the bed and that would be just out of asking or you know like blind people get downstairs like just feel the walls touch your toes

but I imagine that would be the worst thing like man if you don't want to get up because you don't want to go downstairs and get medicine the last thing you want to hear is and then silence would be like oh now i've got to get up for that and then my legs are too weak just tangled up at the bottom of the stairs. The police and the ambulance turn up to the slinky household. Both family members dead. I'm not quite as injured because Natalie cushioned my fall. The police are turning up like, you guys again. Yeah, honestly.

Oh, it's another case of, man, this is the weirdest domestic abuse I've ever seen in my life. The woman's underneath, but the man seems to be in worse shape while he sweats profusely on top of her. Shivering. What has happened here? They're getting the forensics to try and figure out what's happened. You've got shy eyes too, don't you? You know what?

Not as shite as hers though. You know what? Mine's different. Mine's different. One of them did point the other way. Aye. So I had my eye taken out. Do you know this?

They took it out to do the operation. They rested it on my cheek. I asked them to take a photo of it, but they wouldn't. Right. They took out your eye and they rested something spherical on your cheek. Right, did you say that it was your eye? No, all I could say was my lips. Like Mr Potato Head Toy Story 3.

That's where it is! Hold on, so they took out your eye to just put it back in facing the right direction? They took a bit of muscle out and then shrunk it so that it couldn't get on. It didn't stray off. So that its natural position was pointing forward.

Wait, so they had to weaken your eye because it's so desperate to look right? Like the muscle's too long so it would point off centre when it relaxes. And you're always relaxed. Just kind of chilled out kind of guy. So I used to point in different directions

and then they fixed that. They could have done it when I was a kid but I'm old. They didn't have the medical technology right. They would have done it with a spoon back then. They were like we might overshoot it. You can shorten the muscle,

but if you shorten it too far, you can't lengthen the muscles to put it back. On a child's eye, the margin's finer. So you have to wait until you're an adult. So I had to live my whole life with a bong eye. And also, Boolean builds character. Fuck him. I just dealt with that all my life.

It's class. So I just dealt with that all my life. It's class. And then, so my prescription, Natalie's is like a plus 6.75 or something like that, whatever that means. Mine's a 2.75 on me bong eye. Oh, so in your worst eye, she's still six, three times worse. Aye. In me good eye, it's barely a prescription.

It's like plus 1.5. I'm alright. I can get by with it. It's just what I come with is I struggle because of me. If you're as blind as Natalie, right, how have you not developed sonar at this point? I just started clicking and listening for this. Yeah, she's got to be doing something at that point. Has she been this blind forever?

Was it like when she hit her 40s? No, not always. She's going to be mad that you didn't correct me there what about oh brilliant I'm so happy what about I said in her 40s

I hear it now I hear it you fucking rat bastard of a man I fucking set you up there to do the bare minimum to defend your wife and you were like aye that's her, 40 plus

me old cougar my old lady oh man sorry babes I love playing it that I call her babes I never call her babes but I'm just acting on the podcast like I call her babes. I never call her babes but I'm just acting on the podcast like I call her babes. Hi babes.

I'm going to do it though. So one thing my eyes like they don't just like naturally I think they have trouble working together because they've never been on the same team

and then in my 20s they're just like we're just going to put you guys together now and we're like we've got nothing in common. I like looking left you like looking

fucking anywhere so like you know if I go into the supermarket for instance I just trouble I have trouble focusing when I haven't got my

contact lenses in I'm just a there's just a shelf of stuff and I really need to focus my mind to try and work out what's on the

shelf you reckon that's about your present all the time that's just because you have to be aye maybe that's why you're...

See, now I wish I had shy eyesight because my eyesight's so fucking flawless that I've got plenty of time to be in my own head. Just drift off. Aye. Well, I've got fucking, like... Both my parents have had... Oh, no, my dad's had laser eye surgery.

On his eyes? Aye. No, that's just how he got one of his tattoos removed I don't like the tattoo it makes it look too fucking scary

you shouldn't laser quest I don't think fuck it I'll do the same hubris you fucking did with being like anyone who reacts badly

to the second vaccine it's a bitch I'll say this I'm never losing my eyesight flawless these absolutely I'm never losing my eyesight flawless these absolutely I'm not going to fade as you get older

well I mean both my mum's and dad's dead but I think theirs is already stuck like my dad had definitely glasses when he was my age now

and I think my mum was later on but I just don't see it happening these are too good I can see in the future that's why I'm sad constantly miserable I can see in the future that's why I'm sad I what was my point

oh right let's just keep going back to me being a pussy I forgot I had a shower I went and got me tablets had a shower because I'd been sweating I come back

and I put towels doing on the bed so that like sleep on me my pyjamas were fucking soaked my pyjama bottoms I only wear pyjama bottoms oh no

see no in my head you're like one of those old buttoned up I've got one of them caps on the sleep caps I ever need a scrooge

a fucking scrooge and I went back and I just I woke up just absolutely saturated again it was the fucking worst night of my life I like I was in fucking pieces saturated again it was the fucking worst night of my life I like

I was I was in fucking pieces and then the next the next day I just erm been watching that I've been watching that series that you said is about

a beast shit oh behind her eyes behind her eyes there's a fucking theme on this podcast like aye for those of you that haven't

there's three episodes in I've really enjoyed it oh man it is without a doubt the worst ending of anything

I've experienced and I count Game of Thrones in that list it's the worst ending of anything I've ever seen so Game of Thrones

has only like got so it was only so disappointing because it was so good in the building whereas this you could just go oh well I wasn't

8 seasons invested in it before you popped it out piping hot fucking garbage I had to go in for a scan the next day to find out that it hadn't given me brain cancer I was like I watched the show yesterday and I saw the final episode and I just

felt like it was so dumb that I think they might have infected me I was actually like the was so dumb that I think they might have infected me. They did a scan. I was actually like the 10th person that did it there for that day. All the other ones couldn't turn up because they actually, they died instantly

of how dumb the fucking ending was. Everyone involved in the project should be ashamed. So it's one episode, is it like six episodes? Yeah, but it's going to feel like way longer. Three episodes in, right?

And we only qualm with it at the moment is from episode one. So I'm not giving too much spoilers here i'm just giving you a bit of premise right she kisses the mysterious scottish guy who's by the way any any like british made series the scottish guy is always a bastard always like lane of duty as soon as someone has a scottish accent you're like oh they're the bad guy it's like what would like if there's a russian accent and like something like bond you're like oh you're probably a bad guy and that's that's what seems to happen yeah apparently russians don't like being villains and everything but then they keep doing what they're doing

so um she just kisses this guy she's in London right what's the population seven million aye she's kissing her eight actually so she kisses this guy and then she goes into work and it's a new boss

right uh oh and you're like right massive coincidence ungodly level of coincidence but that's why there's a series made of it

that's why it's noteworthy that's why we're watching it because they're like oh god imagine this coincidence happened. So, the boss turns out to be married. And then, the next day, she just bumps into his wife on the street

in London. Like, one in seven million twice. Well, I mean, like, I guess they clearly live in the area. Like, it's not like she's walking all over London. They've kind of made it clear that they don't, early doors, because he's in the area like it's not like it's not like she's walking all of London they've kind of made it clear

that they don't early doors because he's in the he's in the like really nice area and she's living in a high-rise

well I mean I'm just to let you know like if that's the most disappointing bit you find out what

this is fucking so my my whole thing is there has to be a like by design like his his wife has to be like by design like his wife has to have

like kind of known and then and then designed to meet her there otherwise the coincidence is just too much for us like I'm just saying

you've just won the lottery twice off the bounce oh man you're gonna fucking you're gonna just you're gonna wish it was a fucking coincidence you'd be happier

you'd be happier with that as just like I was so intrigued now like I feel like because of you explaining this can i ask one question yes and i i don't know if i want to know the answer i'm gonna ask anyway is the twist supernatural uh well i i i will give i will give a direct answer to that but what i will tell you this is i reckon constant like horoscopes loved it oh natalie's gonna love it like i reckon you've just got to have that level of i'm willing

to take any base level explanation i'm so desperate for there to be something bigger than me that i'll hold on to fucking anything you spoon for me. That's who this was made for. Because it keeps staying cut into their dreams and stuff for that. And I'm like, oh, I hope their dreams aren't linked. I'm like, if your dreams are linked, I'm out. Oh, man. Even then, still, still a thousand times worse.

And I'm not even, you know, like sometimes when, like, there's a movie come out and you don't enjoy it that much and then you tell'm not even you know like sometimes when like there's a movie come out and you don't enjoy it that much and then you tell your friends and you're like ah no it's alright

and because you send them in with such low expectations they end up enjoying the movie because they're going in expecting to see something shit and then they're like ah that was actually quite alright

there's nothing I can do no matter how much I slate this show there's not a chance you'll enjoy it. It's an impossible... Even with the expectations being rock bottom. Oh, man, it's going to

exceed that. Oh, no. Piping hot, wet shit directly into your eyeballs. Yeah, I've got a recommendation that I think you'll like, but I want you to be high when you watch it. Fantastic Mr. Fox. It's very Tory it's a stop motion

Roald Dahl film right and I just it's like I wouldn't it's weird recommending it because I didn't think

everyone would enjoy it the pace is weird it's a weird pace it's actually fucking super odd I think like you should watch it high but

I was absolutely captivated by it I was fucking properly enjoying it I think I think you should watch it high but I was absolutely captivated by it I was properly enjoying it I think the directors I don't like let me google do you think

Roald Dahlstuf's Tori? no but I think people who enjoy it are I was going to say I thought Roald Dahlstuf was more like

it's more like Ken Loach levels you know what I mean it's always like who are orphaned or like the fantasies of someone that's like

in an abusive family or something they're always Noah Bomba where else is he fucking done what the director of Fantastic Mr Fox

I think it's because Wes Anderson and I always feel like oh Bill Money I don't know I just watched it I would never have thought to watch it

but I just watched it on an impulse I was just scrolling through Netflix and I just like rushed to the head have thought to watch it but I just watched it on an impulse I was just scrolling through Netflix and I just like rushed to the head clicked on anything and watched that

and fucking loved it what's it's rating is it commonly 93 on Rotten Tomatoes so it's not an original thought by me that this is good no

no it's Ali's it's one of Ali's favourite movies but he always likes fucking nice so aesthetically pleasing things

I was watching I was watching that with Natalie and then I was like oh I've got to go get ready and come to the gig so I put

I hadn't had the best night's sleep so I got me to start the gig and Natalie decided to have a nap on the couch and she woke up

to her mum knocking on it to take her for her vaccine and she just panicked realised she was running late got in the car went for her vaccine and she just like panicked realised she was running late, got in the car

went for a vaccine and she was only wearing a sweater she was free boobing in a sweater and she went to roll her sleeve up but it only went up to her elbow so she couldn't get a vaccine without getting a titsie so Natalie got vaccinated with a titsie

quite funny, I didn't laugh at that and then she handled the vaccine well, no problem. I mean, that's what she's telling us in the text. That's what she's telling us in the text.

Like, I guarantee that is toxic masculinity from her. She's probably had the worst night ever and she's just like, nah, nah, I'm fine, whatever. Ordered some rubble

for the garden. Aye. Trevor Moore's dead. I don't know who that is you do you know Whitey's Kids you know

you've told us about them a few times and then I haven't went on to follow your recommendation he's I don't know how he died but man

it was one of the ones if you don't know Whitey's Kids you know we've definitely spoke about them on the podcast yeah recently as well their sketches are fucking great I died at 41

how? don't know they've just had an accident why do American comedians die in their 40s? I mean this one I don't think this one's

drug related because he was like a dad and like a good dad so I think it was that he's got one I'll pause it

and I'll show you the fucking best sketch that he's done it's only a minute so something won't take tell them what sketch it is so they can pause it oh it's the Kill the President something won't take long. Right, tell them what sketch it is so they can pause and watch it.

Oh, it's the Kill the President. Okay, so we're pausing this you're pausing this we're going to watch a clip. Aye, that was very good. Aye, it's a real

a real bummer. I feel like a tempted fate. Not on the podcast but a couple of weeks ago I was talking to I think it was Colin and I was just like I think it was Colin.

And I was just like, man, there's not been like a comedian death, like in a while. Like there's always, I mean, you know, there was that year of all the fucking celebrity deaths. 2016. Aye, but there wasn't, I'm trying to think before this, the last comedian death we were just talking about, and then now I feel like a fucking dead fate. And now a guy that I really, really liked is

his fucking dead souls. Yeah, because who was the last... Patrice O'Neill, maybe? Patrice O'Neill. Greg Giraldo. I don't know if he died. Greg Giraldo. He's old. Quite a while ago, though. Aye. Oh, fucking... Oh, I'm such a... Brodie Stevens. He wasn't a TV

comic, but he was an LA-based comic. He was fucking great. He died a couple of years ago. There was also Harris Whittles. He was fucking great. He died a couple years ago. There was also Harris Whittles. He wrote for like Parks and Rec and Sarah Silverman and stuff. He was great. But I know like biggies that I can think of. It's sad that like more people

will see your stuff after you go. Great publicity, but you just can't cash in on it. Yeah, it's just sad, you were like, where were you guys when I was alive? Could have done with that. But then again, if you do die, you've got the advantage of you can't really ruin your legacy.

Unless they find your hard drive. You can get posthumously cancelled. Which I always just think is, you know, fucking so... Like, man man we all know Winston Churchill was like a

racist dickhead but he also did you know he was genocidal yeah he was a really but like it's so weird

like to just try and be like we need to stop celebrating him because you're just going to antagonise all the ones that have only watched Saving Private Ryan

and read all their fucking war books it's look people were complicated and he was a fucking war books. Look, people were complicated and he was a fucking bastard, but why don't we all just acknowledge that he was and then move forward and go, all right, well.

There is a line, though, because he wouldn't have kept the Jimmy Savile statue up. The Jimmy Savile statue has got to go. So if they're going to get rid of the Churchill statue, we all know what he did. Here's a question for you. Who dead would you like to be cancelled for them to come back and be like,

they were a bad one? Who would I like to get cancelled from? This is so morbid. Who do I want to cancel from beyond the grave? Who's got a really good legacy as a dead person and you're just like, make something come out I'm fucking out Alan Rickman

boy I wanted to come out that like Alan Rickman preferred Twilight I wanted to suggest something like real bad but this is the thing like a lot of people probably will get cancelled

from Beyond the Grave because standards will change aye the standard for what's acceptable now where we're celebrating celebrities that died in 2016 like the world

the world will move on and then we'll we'll find something from the past that way and aye he he doesn't pass today's standards but while he was alive passed everyone way again aye he doesn't pass today's standards

but while he was alive passed everyone's standards aye I think I mean I know we've spoken about

this but like I think our kids and our grandkids will look back at us and be like you were allowed to be anonymous on the internet

aye aye we were it was lawless it's absolutely ridiculous aye and you know that they're capable

of like you know how good the technology is on like all these social media platforms because you know, if you play something that you haven't got the license for, they'll fucking take you to it immediately. Fuck it, not anymore.

Old big dogs worked out how to fucking use a VPN and it's changed my life. It's actually very simple. And you didn't have to pay for it? Oh, I had to pay for it, yeah. But like, why not pay whatever the money is

to get every channel on earth? Because I paid for a VPN so that I could watch every single football game. Every single football game gets televised in Australia in the Premier League, right? But they wouldn't televise the 3 o'clock games in the UK. So you could only watch the 3 o'clock games in the UK. Right. So you could only watch the 3 o'clock games in another country. So I got a VPN so that I could use, I think it was called Optus or something,

a friend's account. I'd watch it on Optus, and then all of a sudden, the fucking VPN wouldn't work for Melbourne, so I'd change it to Sydney, and that would work. And sometimes I had to change it to wherever, Perth. But, like, it got to the point where I was just chasing it around, trying to find somewhere, and I just couldn't. And I think, I feel

like you're paying for the subscription, but simultaneously trying to clamp down on it and make it difficult. I always think it's like, this is the point where fucking the corporations get it wrong, which is if I want something, I'm going to get it. People, when they used to complain

about fucking piracy, you go, because they used to complain about fucking piracy, you go, like, because they used to release things in America two weeks or a month before they'd release it in the UK. And you're like, right, I'm watching it illegally then. I would pay money to watch and use this right fucking now.

But you've made it difficult, so I'm going to fucking nick it. So you're saying that people can watch X on HBO if they get a VPN in the UK? Couldn't give a shit what they do. I'm just saying, like, because that would be a nice way for people to watch X on HBO if they get a VPN in the UK. Couldn't give a shit what they do. I'm just saying like, because that would be a nice way for people to watch it.

Man, go, or, or just find one of the many, many illegal streams of it. I don't care. Aye. Do that. Aye, just go. Because a couple of people

have asked us where to get it. I'm like, I just don't know. Oh, so no, man, we'll try. But there's fucking so many things at play. Please, for the love of god don't think I'm sat here sat on socio and

x being like ah this is exactly what I wanted for my career to not be able to release two specials that are completely and

utterly done and I have no further I'm trying to build up a thirst for it aye trust me I want however much you at

home want x or socio to come out I guarantee you I want out more because I'm not much you at home want Exor Socio to come out I guarantee you I want it out more because I'm not asking you every fucking day when it's coming out Daniel I've done something you may judge me for I'm not sure

I joined the National Trust I don't even know what that is I just feel like it's a very middle class Tory thing to do what is it? there's just feel like it's a very middle-class Tory thing to do. What is it? There's just parts of preserved areas around the country. Oh, okay. I know I recognise it from a National Trust park, so you're not like to chop down trees there.

Well, it's like 8.50 to get in to these places, like Pollock Park or Greenbank Gardens is the one near mine, right? Wait, wait, wait wait it's a garden membership no it's different like Greenbank Gardens is part of the National Trust but there's also like an area on Air

in Isle of Aaron and you can only get into these places if you have a National Trust so it's a so it's a garden membership I've got a membership again like

also country houses done that's just gardens I can get a a new tea. Aye, this is Tory as fuck. It's so fucking Tory. It absolutely fucking is. It's so fucking Tory.

I don't recognise myself. I'm knit. I'm a member of the National Trust. I live in fucking Clarkston. I feel like I'm fucking, I've been just given a packaged identity and this is who you are now. And then one day someone's going to stand on me dog

and I'm just going to return and be like Joe Wick. Wait. John Wick. John be like Joe Wick. Wait. John Wick. Joe Wick's the... Aye, that's Tom Horton's fucking parents mistake. John Wick. He's like Joe Wick. So I live right next to Greenbank Gardens

and it's 8.50 to get in, right? And it's just a nice garden. There's like a fucking nice lawn where you can have a picnic or whatever. Can smoke a weed because you smoked a spliff there you know what i probably could on a quiet day because there's so many like little nooks and crannies there's all high hedges right and then there'll just be like an area with like a fountain and a park bench and that and it's just like fucking like some of the labyrinths right and um you could probably take a spliff in, you could definitely take a book in,

it would be a great, tranquil place to go and write. But what I've been doing is like fucking grabbing like a cup of tea and then just sneaking in. Because it's cheaper to buy a cup of tea.

Because you have to go through the cafe to get into it. But I'll just go, I'll just have a cup of tea and then I'll just sneak in. Wait, how's that sneaking in if you've got a membership?

I didn't have a membership. Right. But then one time I went to get a cup of tea, she was like, are you going in the garden as well? And I was with my parents, because I was just going to sneak them in. She was like, are you going in the garden as well?

And I was just like, no, we're not going in the garden. And then I was like, I can't just sneak in now, because she's asked us. If she hadn't asked us, I could have played ignorant when the Gans... Just be like, oh, I didn't know it was a membership thing. I was enjoying this lovely cup of tea, by the way nice so they they don't they don't like that so we just sat down in the area where it wasn't in the gardens it was just like a little fucking

tea room area and um i just when she walked past i because it's fucking 8.50 there's four right and i just went how much is it to get into the garden just She went, £8.50. I knew the answer. I was like, what? It's fucking £34 for the four we're to get in. Pay less than I thought, Park. What's in there? I just made fun of it. She was like, oh, but if you sign up, you only need to go once to any of the things each month and you've made your money back.

So signing up for our monthly payments. Wait, can you bring in guests as a membership? I'd just, I'd definitely sneak guests in, like. Aye. I reckon. But no, you can't. She was going, if you get the lifetime pass, you can get guests in. And I looked and it was lifetime pass, one-off payment for two and a half grand.

I said, that's the price of a fucking car. What are you talking about? You know what the noise is about? That proves why you're still working class when you're like, two and a half grand. That's a car. car what are you talking about you know what annoys me that proves why you're still working class when you're like two and a half

grand that's a car not to people who have national trust that's not the price of a car today

you know what annoys me about these places as well I feel like it's £8.50 to get in to stop me

getting in of course it is to stop my lot getting in I feel so affronted by it when they're like it's 8.50 to get into this and people are just

freely going in all these like posh old people and all that are going in and I'm like they didn't give a fuck about losing 8.50 because none of them

play music out loud on their phone that's why that's why they get to sneak in and nobody gives a shit the tut louder the tut louder

than my phone would play filthy bangers so Dyna pam maen nhw'n cael eu gwneud i fyny i mewn a dim ond ychydig o ddau. Ychydig yn llawer yn llawer. Ychydig yn llawer yn llawer na'r ffôn i'w chwarae. Felly, fe wnes i ddweud, allwn ni fynd i weld beth mae'n ei hyn o bwysig cyn ein cyfeirio? Ceisiwch cyn i chi ddod. Ceisiwch cyn i chi ddod. Ac wedyn, roeddwn i'n dechrau. Roeddwn i'n dechrau rhoi'r llawr i fy mam a'i dad. Fe wna i ddangos iddyn nhw fod yn dda i fynd yn ôl. Ac wedyn, rydyn ni'n penderfynu i gyfeirio pan oeddwn ni yno. Felly, roedden ni'n meddwl ein bod yn cael eu hwyl yn eu hwyl yn ystod ein hwyl. me mum and dad are up I'll show them one green back on it's nice we're going in and then we decided to sign up while we're in there

so we thought we were having their pants doing the thing I don't have my pants doing so so you're pleased you've signed up to it too nah just me and Natalie

but it's right it's like less than a minute from me hoose and I'm like I can just pop in all the time now so go and have a look

at the road of dendrons and that it's different now who I am anymore aye who am I Daniel aye I mean it's not gone who I am anymore aye who am I Daniel aye

I mean it's not going well for you I mean it has gone well but that in itself is it not not going great I'm going to go to the podcast

have afternoon tea yeah but we crump it and start fucking I'll tell you what you'll be one of those cunts as well they're like oh you put the cream on

before the fucking jam on the scone and you got it wrong this is about the tea, isn't it? No. It is? Here the other day, right, I saw Colin cooking, right, and, oh, my God, the guy had the fucking audacity,

the sheer fucking gall to put in the tomato sauce before the spices. What's he doing? That's mad. Oh, it's going to taste entirely different. I couldn't eat it. Oh, I would discuss it. He put the ingredients in in a different order, entirely different dish. He put the tomato sauce put the ingredients in a different order entirely different dish

entirely different dish and pass that on aye aye but you know if you put certain things I didn't think this was as bad

but if he'd served up the bolognese and then put the spaghetti on top of it you'd go what are you doing who does that that's a false

equivalency though that's not it's not because that wouldn't actually change the taste no it would be jarring because you're not meant

that's weird right you've got the stuff upside down but it actually changes the taste I don't agree that it does I will genuinely for you fucking Cara and Colin let's do a fucking taste test

I'm going to put something out here I don't think bits and juice make it taste any different it doesn't make it taste any different it's just a horrible

experience to have fucking shrapnel in your mouth when you're expecting a liquid but how can you be so passionate about your morning cold drink

but then your morning hot drink it's just like totally irrelevant if there was lumps in my coffee I'd complain about that that's a texture thing aye but I'd rather have fucking irrelevant if there was lumps in my coffee I'd complain about that that's a texture thing

I'd rather have lumps in me tea than have the fucking milk in first right well that's very much a used stance let's not fucking stand on this hill and claim we've got an army standing behind us is your problem let me ask, is your problem with it just that there's a way of doing it

I can't believe you're trying to win this on. No, no, no, no. Add to my question. Add to my question. Is the problem, right, that there's a way of doing it, right, that's more efficient and just better in general, right, and I'm not doing that? It makes a weak-ass tea. Right. Why do you fucking load a dishwasher wrong then?

Because it makes it a worse cleaning fucking system if they're not all in the right place. It's not as fucking efficient. It's actively making the things less fucking clean. You're tripping here. You're tripping here. This is where you're tripping, right? I've put stuff in the dishwasher already. Oh, man, I know.

You've been at my house for the past three days and I've had to tell Cara, I'm like, if you see Cara loading the dishwasher, tell him to fucking stop. Stop loading my dishwasher. Leave things at the side, for the love of God. This is wild. It's wild.

Man, I've never, you put them in upside down, back to front, there's fucking wooden spoons in it. There's fucking chopping boards.

What are you doing? Chopping boards go in. No, they don't. Oh, not the wooden ones? No. No, I've never used a wooden chopping board. What's the logic

about wooden spoons then? Ah, you know what, fuck it, why not? Well, because, you know, it goes hot, then it's cold, and when that happens, things expand and crack and break, things that are not, you know, metal or glass. You know what, like, I've been in my house six months, right, and I've been putting wooden spoons in, and they still operate as wooden spoons.

I'm just like, know what like I get it like putting wood in the dishwasher is a bit of an odd thing to do but so far I've been experimenting with it it's fine guys

you can crack on with a wooden spoon well I haven't had a house with a wood if she did it for two years I could tell you it's not I have to buy new wooden spoons

all the time so enjoy that in a month or six months time so the dishwasher thing for me, right? I'm not asked if I put something in and it takes up a lot of space, right? Because when it's full,

regardless of how many items are in it, when it's full, I set it away. And then I empty it when it's done. I didn't try to get in, like you do with your bins, like you do with your dishwasher. I didn't try to get as many square centimetres of space filled before I sent it away. I'll just fucking, I sometimes send it away in the middle of the day if it's full.

You don't just try and go, right, I've got to fucking get everything I can in here. Look, I would put them in the right, facing the right way up. Just put two more there now. Like I would have them facing the right direction. I don't see, you don't act like I'm putting bowls like off and on. You are, I've seen you do. I'll not stack them, I'll put them facing the right direction there's more stacking they would act like I'm putting bowls off and on I've seen you do it I'll not stack them, I'll put them face down so it takes up a bit more room

but give a fuck just send them away when it's full no, because you can't because by the time you go into every time I fucking put the dishes away now I go right, I've got six plates here now and I can't get them in because you fucking loaded it. I can get three in

and now I have to rearrange all the shit you've done to get the other fucking three in. And I wouldn't have this problem if they were all in the right place to begin with. So you don't like how I load the dishwasher?

This is my point. Don't you dare try and fucking... Then I had on. I've never unloaded it here because I didn't know exactly where everything goes. So I don't want to spin you out by having you looking for a whisk, right? That's not true because I went through some of my cupboards today and they were in different places in Qatar. I'm playing the game. Oherwydd dydw i ddim yn gwybod yn union lle mae popeth yn mynd, felly dydw i ddim am fynd i'ch llwyr gan fy mod yn edrych ar ysgog.

Nid yw hynny'n wir, oherwydd rwyf wedi mynd drwodd gyda rhai o fy mhrydau heddiw, roeddent yn llefydd gwahanol yn Caerthon. A chymerwyd y llwythoedd yn ôl rhywle? Y llwythoedd? Y llwythoedd o'r clipeon. O, ie. O, ie. Oedd yna'n eu lleio'n eu hunain. Oedd yna'n y drws cyntaf?

Nid oes. Dydw i ddim yn meddwl ydw i wedi gwneud hynny. Dydw i ddim wedi gwneud llawer o ddisgwyser yn yr amser hwn. Pan ddod i fyw yma where on your kitchen i mean i don't there's so many storage spaces and fucking there's no real like order so so i'm like i don't want because i don't want to put something in the wrong space and then you've got like 18 places to check to find your thing right so i'm like i'll leave that so i take a plate out and one of them had just fucking tons of fucking like sauce on it still.

Do you know what that is? Uh huh. Because somebody didn't load the dishwasher properly so they didn't clean the dishes properly. That's absolutely, because if you do not load it properly it blocks the fucking thing and that's why things come out dirty. If you do not load the dishwasher properly things come out fucking dirty. So how do you think I loaded

that plate that clearly wasn't mine because that's not what I've eaten? How do you think I loaded that plate that clearly wasn't mine because that's not what I've eaten? What? How do you think I loaded that plate that clearly wasn't mine because that's not what I have eaten? I don't know, that's another question. Like there was a plate that was dirty that you said I loaded wrong, right? How do you think, even though it wasn't mine because that's not what I had, that was on the plate? How do you think I put it in that made it so it didn't get cleaned? Whoa, I reckon... A plate that goes into the slots

right and it doesn't matter which slot you put it in right you understand how bowls cover things right and if you put like a bowl that's like

this shape and you put it there it fully covers the whole front of the plate that doesn't allow it to get washed that's what I do I put the face down

like a cup in the top drawer right and then you put them on top of each other and then they're I don't put them on top of each other you do I've lived with you in they're stacked. I don't put them on top of each other. You do.

I've lived with you in two separate fucking houses. I don't put them on top of each other. You do. Are you lying? I'm not. This is slander. It's not. I don't stack bowls on top of each other.

Man, I've seen it happen. I've seen it go crazy. That's a slander. Mate, if I do that, that's wrong. Aye. Okay, good. You can't put bowls on top of each other stacked. No, I could.

That's not what I'm doing. No, but you're doing it with plates asg. Iawn, iawn, iawn. Nid yw hynny'n ymwneud â fi. Na, ond roeddwn i'n gwneud hynny gyda plâts hefyd. Nawr, mae plâts yn mynd i'r llawr. Rydw i wedi ffwrddio'r pelyton. Fy ffrind. Iawn.

Rydw i wedi mynd i fyny i'r tebyg. Mae'n ddrwg. Iawn. Rydw i wedi mynd i fyny i'r tebyg. Mae'n dod o hyd i'r llawr i lawr ei top yn ffwrdd. Yn ffwrdd gwirioneddol. Mae'n edrych fel y byddwch yn ysgrifennu. Rydw i'n edrych fel chi ar ôl y ffwrdd ail.

Rydw i'n edrych fel chi ar ôl y ffwrdd ail. Rydw i'n edrych fel chi ar ôl y ffwrdd ail. Rydw i'n edrych fel chi ar ôl y ffwrdd ail. Rydw i'n edrych fel chi ar ôl y ffwrdd ail. Rydw i'n edrych fel chi ar ôl y ffwrdd ail. Rydw i'n edrych fel chi ar ôl y ffwrdd ail. Rydw i'n you look like you're sweating your box off I do, I look like you after the fucking second vaccine oh my god I think you're being wild about the dishwasher it's the reason dishwashers get blocked it's the reason they're fucking shite

they're less efficient it's fundamentally, loading a dishwasher wrong makes it function less it's like fucking putting diesel in a fucking electric car. Shall I tell you why I think you're pulling your plate suit with sauce on? That, by the way,

was not off my dish that I loaded, right? But whatever, you think there's a knock-on effect from a cup that I put on the top shelf, right? I think it's like that because you're fucking

leaving me room for water. You're fucking ramming everything in. You've got everything in so efficiently. Like, I'll sometimes... Yeah, yeah, yeah, because the guys that invented the dishwasher never tested it once. They were like,

yeah, fucking I'll do that. That looks like it works. Let's not run it through all the tests that it clearly went through. Scientists designed it, man. It's not like some fucking guy... I know a scientist designed me a washing machine, but I'll not load it to the brim

because it'll probably damage the drum if I fill it with clothes all the way to the top. Right, so you reckon they put in more spaces than necessary, like, than physically possible. You reckon that was part of the design.

Yeah, just a bunch. I think it's... Just loads. Just have loads. They'll never use it all. Why would they use it all? I think it's to give you options. Who's fucking... Just loads. Just have loads. They'll never use it all. Why would they use it all? I think it's to give you options. I'll never pack a dishwasher like that.

So that's a clear fair way if I get jammed if the dish is not being cleaned. I think you load it wrong. I just didn't want to say it to your house. Man, and Cullen does it as well. You have to fucking say it. Like, man, literally,

in the fucking cutlery bit, I can't understand how you get it wrong. Because there's literally a picture every three inches of how the knives and forks are loaded like it's like

hey moron the pointy end goes this way and the handle goes this way and every day I go down I'm like

I just don't like it's it does matter put the forks together put the knives that's one thing you didn't do you're kind of like

fork knife fork knife spoon whatever right and then you're picking them up and going out which was actually something I used to do until Natalie corrected it what the forks together, put the knives together. That's one thing you didn't do. You're kind of like fork, knife, fork, knife, spoon, whatever, right? And then you're picking them up and going out. Which was actually

something I used to do until Natalie corrected it. What? Not putting the forks and knives separate. So when you're getting them out, they come out together.

Oh, no, I actually put, it's a little game I play with myself, which is, because like, so they all come out like there, and then you go,

right, I wonder if I just, if I get all the forks because they're randomly fucking set up, you go, right, I'm pretty sure I'm doing one trip with forks. I'm pretty sure I've picked up all the other forks. You put them away. You come back, you take the knives,

and there's like two forks in there. You're like, motherfucker, I've never got it. I've never got it 100%. Because I had that one, Atlee. Because yours is like a tray with the knives and forks in, which I'm not a huge fan of. I'm not a fan of it either. We're getting a new dishwasher soon, which I'm genuinely a huge fan of. I'm not a fan of it either. We're getting a new dishwasher soon,

which I'm genuinely banning anyone in the house from loading apart for myself. Ah, you should do that, just for your own mental health. Aye. I think it's only you that's bothered. Well, no, I mean, the fact that I have to replace this dishwasher is proof that loading a dishwasher incorrectly makes it fucking shit and not work. It's because you never do the filters. What?

I never do the filter on mine all the time. Aye, Colin does the filter. We've all got our different roles ah nice I couldn't get in just start sucking at the bottom of like one of those

fucking bottom dwelling fish just like the one that followed like the wheels around just like picking stuff up pilot fish

pilot fish or is it pilot fish is the ones just on sharks don't know I'm probably the same how lucky do you think those birds feel or is it pilot fishes the ones just on sharks don't know I'm probably the same nah how lucky do you think

those birds feel they get to like clean the crocodile's teeth do you reckon they think they're well hard is that like having a really hard older brother I just like

like you're literally watching like a like a fucking crocodile jump out rip like bring a gazelle into the water and kill it and then

you just you know get to hear it out of his fucking teeth how did they make that transaction like how did that transaction come to be where that bird was like right we can't communicate

I can't speak crocodile crocodile can't speak I'm not a gull but there's food in its teeth that it doesn't want there I want the food how do I communicate to this crocodile

that like I'm not more food aye do I communicate this crocodile that like, I'm not more food. Aye, I'm not, I'm not like an apparatus. Like, I'm the dentist. I'm a weird dentist.

Like, if my dentist did that, she'd be fired. She's fucking picking stuff out of your teeth. Like, how do you even, how do you even get out of that?

Because like, monkeys do it with like, taking fleas off each other. But that's easy. You're the same, you're not, you know, you're the same species. You're not trying to kill each other.

I reckon it's because whenever they're doing it, the crocodile has already eaten something big. Right, so it's not hungry. No. Apparently, crocodiles can go hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of days without food. And they've got like, man, what were these facts?

I went fucking on a boat. I feel And they've got like, man, what were these facts? I went fucking on a boat. I feel like they've got massive stomachs, but it takes ages to digest. So then they just fucking, because they don't move that much unless they're hunting and not expending too much energy. So maybe it was just like, you've just watched somebody like eat,

like a fucking literal rhino. And you're like, he's not going to chase me. Like, I mean, I'll be and you're like he's not gonna chase me like i mean i'll be on edge but he's not like how does it even come to be though because you know if i had something with my teeth i was picking away at it and i was like getting my thumbnail in there trying to get it out i just kind of get it like you know a bird just swooped in right and got it perfectly didn't hurt there's no it's like rummage around a little bit pulled it out I'd be like cool

I'll not eat you I'll not eat you you can stay oh no I reckon I'd fucking because you don't know because again

there's been no communication that bird's just flying for your teeth I would probably kill that bird in that scenario because I'm like, it's diving at me. Fucking beak first.

This is clearly some sort of fucking Australian magpie attack. They're wild, aren't they? I've been looking up... Girls' skirts. Not anymore. Like I said, it's changed. I've changed a lot looking at men's skirts

I love the tattoos that's why I moved to Scotland I've been looking up survival courses in Scotland I thought like well I'm up here

I'll have a look because I'm not going to talk about this in length because we're going to do a specific podcast on it I've been watching

Alone Season 3 with you and Cullen you want to so that we can do Alone with Friends 3 as a you're doing it you going to do a specific podcast on it. I've been watching Alone Season 3 with you and Colin. You want to... So that we can do Alone with Friends 3 as a... You're doing a... You want to do a fucking survival course. Right, here's your first tip. Don't try and buy an England shirt.

In Scotland. There's your first Scotland survival fucking course. How the fuck do you think you're going to survive the fucking wilderness if you cannot avoid and fucking survive the town centre? Just, you know, I've been exiled I've been exiled so I need to so one of them I looked up I thought there'd be more you know they're like weekends but like once a month on a weekend where you're going away like start on a Friday and finish on a Sunday and you don't take any food because you're gonna be finding

everything when you're out there and you're out with specialists that are guiding you and teaching you how to purify water and light fires

and build camps and stuff and I was like oh that's pretty cool but on weekends I always clash with Swagigs

every time there's literally nothing available that week and day on weekends I'm saying wait

he wouldn't come with you no man I actually watch the show man there's no man I don't like fish I don't show man there's no man I don't like fish

I don't like vegetables there's no way I'm gonna have any form of joy eating fucking down the line steams but in survival

training you're not you're not there for enjoyment but when am I ever gonna need it you never know nah nah

for the fucking the tiny tiny tiny fucking chance I'd rather go man I wish I'd done tiny fucking chance I'd rather go man I wish I'd done that survival course I'd rather have that experience

than actually doing the survival course do you not think it would just be nice for mindfulness if I was allowed to bring my own food

absolutely if I could bring my playstation if I could bring several packs of monster munch a couple of fucking double deckers

a couple of not microwavable meals but like tins of fucking beans and shit absolutelyers, right, and a couple of, you know, not microwavable meals, but like, you know, tins of fucking beans and shit. Absolutely. You may be able to find a wild double-decker. Mmm.

Mmm. A wild haggis, maybe, but I'm just not... Also, I don't want to gut a fish. I don't want to fucking... Like, I'll eat squirrel just... because fuck them, because they ate my car and it's about time I got my revenge.

I've got no problem killing squirrels but I'm just it's the food side of shit. I don't mind shit outside. I'd fucking stay in a tent all crud. I'll learn how to make fires. I'm not I'm not eating wildlife. Aye well anyway there's nothing available. Aye.

But I looked at one of them and it was like highland training or something right and it was like we'll teach you survival techniques like hunting for game, doing this, doing that. Fighting styles. I was like, fighting styles? How is fighting styles a survival technique? And this was a day course as well.

And I'm like, and how are you going to squeeze that into like a portion of the day? Is it just going to be some like survival guy going, right now, if you ever come in contact with a wild human? Yep, just somebody out there that they've seen you catch a bunch of things. They're coming for your food as well. And then just teach you a bit of Krav Maga. And you're like, why is that in there?

It really puts us off. I'm not going to do that one. Maybe it's about fighting deer. I was going to talk about Lone. I'm not going to talk about Alone because we're talking about You can join me in Callan's podcast on Thursday

Yes That'll do The Fringe is on innit Yeah we've been performing at The Fringe in a fucking awesome venue I love that place The Corn Exchange

So there's still a few shows left Is there some tickets left? More being released because of Don't know Check the website Restrict restrictions have been

loosened so as restrictions get loosened more tickets come available check Daniel's website for

tickets to come see us there I'm doing a show with Ryan Cullen and Gareth Waugh

at the Gilded Balloon so check on the Gilded Balloon website for that

it's meant to be new material none of us have written anything yet. Great. But I've been thinking about some premises

and I've been talking to Colin. So I think I know what I'm going to write about and I'm going to write about it this week so that I've got something for you for that. It's going to be very loose. Some jokes will be done for the first and last time and some jokes you'll see for the first time before we take them around the world, etc.

So we've got that also we've got merch oh aye we've got merch the link is on the Patreon page at the moment

but by the time this comes out on Wednesday public access I'll have the link on my social media so if you go on do we not know

the website or like well it's like it's like muggins-and-cream-at-spreadshirt.com. It's easier for you to click a link. I'll put it in my bio, in my Twitter, and in my Instagram, so you'll be able to find it there.

There's the new logo available on hoodies and T-shirts and cups and whatnot. There's the Team Muggins merch, which is already selling fast. And Daniel hasn't kept up yet, but he's getting his Team Cream logo designed now. So we'll let you know when that's out. And there's also Matty's a Pinsad dog band on us. Aye, specifically made for David Cannell. So aye, grab your match is that all we've got to plug

yes you want to say something about your dad your dad's poops come out sideways out his hip no no like they come out

like because like normally you'd think poops come out long and thin that way but they come out sideways you would Because, like, normally you'd think those come out long and thin that way, but they come out sideways. You would have thought that the butthole would shape it,

but apparently not. It comes out wide. Aye, real, real dense. Like shit in a sideways brick. Real not. It's got an arse-like letterbox. Your dad suffers from immature ejaculation where he comes every time someone farts.

Your dad's keepy-uppy record is three with a balloon. Your dad was absolutely crestfallen when he saw my dad's world's best dad mug. How could your dad have nicked it? Your dad's got a pancake arse, and by that it means he keeps putting syrup on it and trying to serve it to his kids every Saturday morning.

It's a special treat! Your dad regularly goes to his local swim baths for the lay and swim and takes a periscope instead of goggles. Your dad's got a VPL. Visible funny lay. Your dad's banned from the zoo because he responded to too many mating calls. Oh yeah, well your dad's banned from the zoo because he responded to too many mating calls

Oh yeah well your dad's banned from Sesame Street because he turned up with his own sock puppet that were stiffer than Iron Man's outfit Your dad tried to order his meal from the bar and they told him that you had to order at the table so he sat down at the table and shouted his order across to the bar

Aye that's their fault that's on them be more specific alright bye