Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.33 🎼 Your Girlfriend 🎵 Yoouur Giiiirlfriend... 🎶

Episode Date: August 18, 2021

Cream enjoys his favourite ever podcast after Muggins reveals some news that contradicts a stance he has taken for many years. Basking in the hypocrisy of it all Cream turns the episode into a one hour roast  Merch:  https://muggins-and-cream.myspreadshop.co.uk              

Hello losers Welcome to another episode of Sloss and Humphreys on the road The sound quality of this one is better You don't know this but on last Thursday's Patreon episode We got some new gear And that's why it sounds infinitely better

Than it ever has before I mean it's still not quality We're not editing it in post or anything Do you edit in post? I'm just going to edit out this whole episode that we've just done. It's my favourite episode. It's my worst. Steeped, steeped in Kai's hypocrisy.

All of his chickens come home to roost. It's probably, probably immediately into my top three. Like, I've never been happier with the turn of events. And it's just so nice for men to be held to account nowadays. I might not post it. Well, I mean, you have to. He was held to account for his lies,

his deceit, his... I mean, his reputation is tarnished at this point. And almost, I think, unrecoverable. It's a belting episode. Enjoy as much as I did. Sloss and Humphreys on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream.

That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woo! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aw, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park

Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Well, you want me to start it? I thought you were going to do your jingle Well, I mean, I don't really know how to tell the story because it's because

the payoff's so good like for me it's been eight years payoff for for today like oh i don't know this isn't the even the intro before the podcast but i can confidently say this is going to be one of our best episodes because of what has happened i am the happiest i've been in such a long time everyone's been chanting mean things to us um everyone's been so excited to the streets if you are new to the podcast uh at all if you're new to me and kai uh welcome along um for i'm gonna say about seven to eight years maybe more seven plus years kai's made a very firm stance um about you know dogs and loving other people's dogs and just like you know i don't want to love them as much as they do i hate people that force their dogs on me yeah and that got really misconstrued into kai hates dogs no but what you did play up to a bit for the sake of yeah the animal has it it has

it within it to win or lose me right i'm not just default loving a dog right which is again an interesting stance to take that probably could suck it could be bad trained it could be fucking licking our lauras when i'm trying to make me business it could be snatching up my food and all that right and it's not the dog that i'm not liking it's the person yeah the person has done a bad job so that's fair that's fair like i'm hitting them via the dog yeah also over the years whenever me and kai have seen a man walking down the street with a dog that is let's say i don't know effeminate small my brother's got a chihuahua can's got a king child spaniel there so it's got a chihuahua Khan's got a king child spaniel

there it's got a little cunt of a dog a little arsehole Milo's got that fucking tiny little rabbit that he wished alive

that doesn't come to the dog that like that's a really cool rabbit that's a fucking awesome squirrel that is a somebody wished

it's somebody wished a teddy bear alive like that's he's living his own version of Ted that's such a shit dog, it's a good squirrel. Aye. But whenever we've seen strangers with small dogs on leads,

not masculine dogs like big dogs that are used for protection, the other type of dogs, the shit ones. Handbag dogs. Yeah, the type of dog where I don't consider it a dog if your dog's on one end of a skateboard and I stamp on the other the other end if your dog dies from the fall it's not a dog so because every every time i say a fella walking along we we sing the song i sing do you want to sing it with us yeah your girlfriend your girlfriend your girlfriend picture dog picture dog your girlfriend picked your dog and then you drive off

and hit the red lights and then it's awkward aye but they're not going to do anything because their girlfriend picked their dog aye what are you going to say

your dog onto his eye aye the one that your girlfriend picked that little chihuahua aye can I grow some balls mate pick your own dog

aye do you want to your girlfriend picked my dog is what Daniel's getting at aye my girlfriend yep my girlfriend your girlfriend your girlfriend Do you want to... My girlfriend picked my dog is what Daniel's getting at. My girlfriend. Yeah.

My girlfriend. Your girlfriend. Your girlfriend. Your girlfriend picked your dog. She picked your dog. Now, one, Natalie keeps chanting it to us. My wife keeps chanting, your girlfriend picked your dog. Like, one, she's never met my girlfriend.

Never will Two She picked her dog Is that the spins coming out today? I mean I'm paying half I'm going with her to get it I will walk it and feed it And help train it and raise it And you'll walk it while people

Sing the song As you walk down the street What type of dog is it? Say the word word say the name of it i'm getting a cavapoo a what a cavapoo uh what's um what's a cavapoo is that a mix between like fucking a cock a cockapoo and a fucking you know it's a cavalier a cavalier cavalier king charles spaniel the second what the call again i't know. I've never heard of a Cavapoo in my life. You know the King Charles Spaniels?

I can only know, you know, manly, normal dogs. Do you know what I want to ask? Dogs that I'd pick for myself. German Shepherd, Alsatian,

Rottweiler. Can I just tell you that? One name on a pub quiz, I got asked, it was like, there was like this, like, jackpot question,

where the god is up to answer the question in front of the whole pub. And they went, who where the god is up to answer the question in front of the whole pub. And they went, who wrote the book The Path to Power? Hitler. Nearly close. Really close. Really close.

Female Hitler. Female Hitler? Aye. Nicholas Sturgeon. No, no, the one that took me milk. Oh, Thatcher. Aye, but I couldn't say a name. So I panicked and I said,

King Charles Spaniel II wrote the book Path to Power in front of the whole pub. King Charles Spaniel II wrote the book Path to Power. The book was actually his most noteworthy thing, not the fact that he was As is noted a Spaniel And a descendant Isn't it Norway that have an emperor that's a penguin? The emperor penguin

Isn't it? It's from Norway I'm pretty sure they've got There's a royal penguin There's an emperor penguin that exists But it doesn't have any leg I'm telling you I'm fucking mad

I will google it right now and you are going to feel pretty fucking stupid. Almost as stupid as if for seven to eight years you'd taken a really hard line stance against certain animals and what they mean to the owners of said animals. Almost as embarrassing as you

It's like self-harm. I don't know how I've ended up in this pickle. In what? Nothing. What did you say? No, no. Stuck in a what? Stuck in a bit of a... So speaking of your nickname being Pickle,

we're very excited about... Because I've told Natalie already that I love her so much. She doesn't have to buy me any future Christmas presents or birthday presents. Your wife literally, literally picking your dog and like picking that type of dog is, I mean, it's the, it's the,

it's joy for the rest of my life. Are you in on this? Oh, I wish, I wish I had the creativity for this. I would love to bask in the fucking glory of what's taking place. You are basking in the glory of it. No,

I'm basking in the aftermath and I'm basking in just the piping hot hypocrisy and i'm just carving bits off and i'm stuffing it's like really bad hypocrisy it's really bad i've got your girlfriend picked your dog so hard your government not even that your government is currently picking your dog and all you're doing about it is moaning on a podcast but you still have time to stop it you still have time to stop it you are chipping in I don't want to stop it I don't want to stop it so you're googling

Emperor Penguin to prove that Emperor Penguin's existed why are they doing that I'll explain I'm on the road for quite a while

me and Natalie have moved into a house together we've made it a home there you go Sorry Brigadier Sir Nils Olav III Is a King Penguin

Who resides in Edinburgh, Scotland And he is the mascot And Colonel-in-Chief Of the Norwegian's Kingsguard And he doesn't even live in his own country? Nah Wow I mean, I say that

I'm currently living in Scotland But I'm not claiming to be the King of England, am I? No Well, I mean I say that I'm currently living in Scotland But I'm not claiming to be the king of England am I? No Well I mean Maybe the queen with your little fucking dog Wow Wow Wow wow wee

So erm Can I name it? Rocky No Gherkin Gherkin because it's a little pickle I'm not naming it Gherkin It's Gherkin I'm not naming it Gherkin It's Gherkin I'm not naming it Gherkin

It's called Gherkin I might name it Whiskey Whiskey's a good name for a dog Do you think Do you think it's going to make it Seem like a Shandy I think we're generally

Going to say Shagga Shagga I can't call your dog Shagga I've got on the list We've got a list I've managed to get it On Natalie's short list I've got tits

And Shagga Mark Nelson Because Natalie Doesn't know much about wrestling, managed to sneak in the name Benoit. Benoit. Benoit is on Natalie's maybe list. It's a lovely family name, why wouldn't it be?

She doesn't know what Chris Benoit has done. She's got no idea. What he's allegedly done. Hello, welcome to another episode of the Chris Benoit Defenders The Benoit Denier Is that the name of the podcast? We've got the title The Benoit Denier No the podcast is called

My girlfriend picked my dog Like that's what the podcast is called It's not We're not even putting this one live This is just us having a natter I really wish I'd pre-recorded it As one of the buttons We could do a live pre-record if you want

I mean I will at some point We'll get it We'll do it as a sing-along at some point Because I know there's people at home who will want to sing along Because it's the thing As much as this podcast is going to be me being a a hypocrite i don't i don't want to just talk about my dog all the time i don't want my identity to be this dog right i mean but it's going to be your identity for i'm going to say for at least this fucking episode i'm considering the hardline

stance you took for eight years but uh every time that we approach the topic of um my dog you should have a button that prompts us in yeah I'll give you that like I've literally just got to take my punishment you do like the little bitch I am oh man so

I yeah she just got it in her head that's like I'm going to be away a bit and that worked when we lived in London because cat was in the house

that was the human called cat not the cat called human didn't get them mixed up em did you call the dog human oh good day what else did oh yeah i wanted to chris benoit because just anybody else like natalie doesn't know uh his special move was the cripple across face and he done it on his wife and his kid and then done it if he sell he killed committed suicide with a cripple across states

committed suicide with a cripple across his face I'd say it's going to be very sad when Chris Jericho kills himself somehow managed to get himself into the walls

of Jericho at first we just thought it was an extreme yoga axe and then we found his note so I'm going to be awake for quite some time

and you've got a pet Cullen yeah like you've got a like your dog shit other than me yours is Ryan Cullen how Like you've got a Like Your dog's shitter than mine Yours is Ryan Cullen How's the spinning going Is it working Do you feel yourself

Coming off the tracks Is it You feel like Any of these deflections Are working Because you were trying hard Last night as well Aye and I

I feel like I've literally Stopped trying now I'm just like The real cursory blows I'm not landing the glove You're just You're making up numbers At the end

Aye Speculative efforts Aye Shots attempted Shots on target Aye Just You start patting

Start patting So people don't think It was a fucking pushover So anyway Fucking Ivo Cullen Runned the hoose So when he got away It's nice for Cara

Just to have someone To kick a fucking dog Aye It's just like Leaving one of those Fucking jujitsu Dolls that people Roll around in

Dave Longley You sad man Aye I don't understand Why you had to add a strap Onto it It's just like leaving one of those fucking jujitsu dolls that people roll around in. Dave Longley, you sad man. I don't understand why he had to add a strap onto it. I don't know what that's about. I knew it was a grip thing. I don't know why he had to dig a hole in his mouth. Dig a hole in his mouth. Just makes it sound like there was nothing. He's clawing at it.

He did it with his mandibles. He didn't do it with a fucking screwdriver he wasn't carving he wasn't making a nice hole for himself this was an emergency hole he didn't fuck his jiu-jitsu dummy in a hurry his wife had first dated him on instagram when he fucking ran out the bathroom dug a hole and he's a jujitsu teddy. Just a real emergency wank on the head of a fucking jujitsu. I've got to get this out. It's like, just the urge has struck me so much. Just fucking

digging one hand on its strap on the other one digging a hole in its mouth. The only thing you could dig a hole in, I would say a snowman if you want a fucking snowman or a snowwoman's mouth. That's what you'd do. The mouth would be so much more appropriate than just get a tit wank or a snow woman's mouth. Aye. That's what you do. The mouth would like, it would be so much more appropriate than just get a tit wank off a snowman. No.

It would be way more appropriate, like just, I hope you can make a snowman leg. Yours is a child, are you motherfucking a child snowman? Are you motherfucking a snow child? No, but,

no, I'll give you 69 in that. You can have them lying, you can have them lying down. 69 in a snowman? Standing on your head. Well, if I'm going to fuck it, if I'm going to fuck it.

Stand on your head. If I'm getting a blowjob, I'm not building it standing up. It's covering up your arse. I thought you said carat. Carat. Caraline Arena. So anyway, let's reverse back from this. You were 69ers snowman.

Digging a hole. Watch his face. Digging a hole. What's his face? Dave Loughlin was digging a hole in his jujitsu dubbie so he could fuck it. But Chris Benoit killed his cell with a crippler crossface. We were talking about dogs' names. We're still on your dog, and it's the whole episode. I don't know why you're like, oh, I wonder what we were talking about. Here's what we're talking about for the whole podcast.

Your girlfriend picked your dog. That is the subject matter. So Natalie. Picked your dog. She was looking online for different cute dogs. whole podcast your girlfriend pictures dog that's that is the subject matter so natalie and picture dog she was looking online for different cute dogs that she could have to keep her company when i'm gone and like you know just my little family like you know little family pet you're gonna have a wee fur baby and i'm making an instagram page you're gonna call it for baby i swear to god if i can't tell it's dad oh i was gonna, if I ever catch you calling... I'm going to get myself Christmas presents offered.

Calling Cara, Mum, oh my God, you will. Give birthday presents from Natalie, sign from the cat. I'm only doing that pretend-to-be-it's-dad if Natalie gives birth to it. If she shoves it up my vag and then pushes it out while screaming and... So she has to go through out while screaming and tearing herself and letting out a little stool. I don't think she's going to do that. Or tear?

No, shove it up there. The whole thing. I don't think she's going to do any of the whole thing. I don't know why she would. Look, I'm begging her. So she started looking up I She started looking up She started looking up These dogs

Carver Poos and that That's very unprofessional Daniel Don't get me wrong And get this You know how Natalie believes in fate There was A company Company

Other companies Breeders Called Humphreys Poo You don't want to, breeders, called Humphreys Poo. You don't want to say breeders. Well, just say it's a rescue. Just say it's a rescue. Right, so we're rescuing it from a breeder.

Just for its noteworthy, you'll get cancelled by a bunch of dweebs. It's a rescue. I got my way from a breeder, so... It's just a mix. A mutt. What is a mutt? Is a mutt just like a breed of two? I don't know, because I always just think... I know it's a racist thing. I would just call a mutt like a shaggy dog, a mutt.

It probably does mean it's a breed. I believe it's got racist connotations. Let's find out together. Is mutt racist? I believe it's got racist connotations Let's find out together Is Matt racist Oh yeah, person of multiracial background Depending on who you are talking about Is it an acronym? An acronym?

Yep, acronym Oh is it like M-U-T-T? No I don't think so So Natalie searched for Acronym? Oh, as in like M-U-T-T? No, I don't think so. So, Natalie searched for calvapoo's, found Humphrey's Poo website in Cheshire and discovered that they had

one little lassie available. One of their daughters was available. Just a crossbreed virginian. It's a mutt. So this is a mutt so it's a mutt

aye so she spotted this mutt and got some pictures and some videos and that and they were like you can come down

and visit but if anyone puts a deposit down we're taking the deposit so can you come now and all of our friends are up for the fringe and there's no way

we could have got down to Cheshire I've got shows on and stuff and Shepanik bought it Shepanik just put the money down my girlfriend

my girlfriend my girlfriend panic bought me dog yep and you're going to get hit in the upper puss is that one of them

like little slings that you use to breastfeed your kid aye aye are you going to try breastfeeding I will aye

Aye Step up Yeah when we cock Go on keep trying You'll get some milk out Well that's what we were also talking about You were saying that you'd rather get a Fucking

Tet wank from a snowman Than a blowjob from a snowman Let's go back to that I just think it's like Like a better area For digging a hole in It's like It'd be a better height

I bet If you go for a tit wank of a snowman you're just rubbing between two i would literally like put like bust a hole in his chest it wouldn't be it wouldn't be a traditional tip well right so you're reverse aliening this snowman reverse xenomorph hi i'm gonna reverse xenomorph a snowman is what i'm saying oh my god we've got so many we've got so many t-shirt quotes now one podcast and we know we struggled with, we tried to be on the ball and tried to do that thing of like,

oh my God, somebody in jail. What was the fucking line they liked? It was, because we have merch now, ladies and gentlemen. If this is news to you, check it out. Oh, fuck yeah. I forgot the last one was on Patreon, wasn't it? Yeah, so we've got merch.

If you check, the link's on the Patreon, the link's on my Instagram, the link's on the Twitter. It's like muggins dash and dash cream at sweatshop sweatshop sweatshop

it's called sweatshop spreadshop oh right spreadshop is it a sweatshop it's got my face why was

why was sweatshop in your head have you slipped up have I have I accidentally made you break goatee I'm getting

I'm getting do we own a sweatshop we you break court here I'm getting I'm getting do we own a sweatshop we own a sweatshop I'm illegally breeding dogs Jesus Christ this is not

this is not a good episode this should have been a period there's only like 350 people that can handle this truth

so so muggins.cream at sweatshop.com is the name of it. Spreadshop. Spreadshop. And,

just find the link on me, Instagram. There's some cool stuff up there, right? But what was thought was, well, they're like, if somebody says,

oh, I need a, what was the Patreon one? When we're talking about string theory cock twins? Aye. Where people's cocks are connected by string theory.

Very funny bit, right? You have to be on Patreon and listen to that bit. Oh my God, this is the worst advert ever. But you have to get behind the paywall for that shit. What a crowning muggins moment that was as you tried to sell the Patreon by explaining an in-joke.

That was very much so. You know what? Very on-brand. Considering only one of us ever does any marketing, I have to work twice as hard Daniel anyway we decided that

we're going to have like a flash merch of like something going up for like a couple of days after the podcast while it's hot right and I went on

fiverr.com and I was just like odd request but can I get like string theory cock twins made up of like like one continuous bit of string

with some molecules in the shape of cocks and all that and like just a very high proud request I like really sorry about this

and then we got it back and it was like something off a greetings card it didn't quite work you're telling me the designer

from fiverr.com wasn't wasn't amazing well you know the stuff what's the quality of the stuff like in the pound shop

the quality of the stuff that I got for for like video stuff I paid like more than a fiver for that that was like you get what you definitely get what you pay for on that website what the you have to pay more to get good stuff that's the rule are you referring to the uh video transition thing that's lightning and then our names because you requested something sick please it's that that you're referring to got it so what we need they thought for this venture to work is find somebody that can quickly rattle off a good like little bits of calligraphy i can't imagine any of our listeners

are talented i think we're really asking a lot there One lovely listener Drew a little picture Would this one work? I was like We can't sell that I really appreciate you trying We're not going to take money off people for that Very thoughtful Thank you

I really appreciate you by the way I'm not casting shade on you I really appreciate you But like Quality control We're not putting it up on the fridge but you know we will put it up on the fridge but it's not going on a shirt

ruffle that hair oh nice so you still want to talk about having a dog what do you need what do you want to know get it off your chest take it off on us go on have your punch bag how much did it cost I'm not going to share that

is it is it is it over four digits yes fuck off you're paying over a grand

for a dog that you white pecked Daniel so hold on Daniel Daniel you've

well over are you paying four digits individually? I'm chipping in four digits Oh my Man You better turn this dog into a fucking rug When it dies like this I like seeing her happy

Seeing Natalie happy brings me So much fucking joy Aye aye You're a good person Look at you Aye It does Oh man

You know what's killing us Danny You know what's really killing us It makes me happy as well I'm thrilled you get a dog Because this was the point You were trying to make the other day As you desperately swung for the fences You were like

You'll love the dog too And I'm like Motherfucker I've never claimed to not love all dogs It's you that took this hard line start of it You gotta fucking treat it this way You're like, you'll love the dog too. And I'm like, motherfucker, I've never claimed to not love all dogs. It's you that took this hard line start of it. You got to fucking treat it this way. You got to treat it like this.

It can't be your fucking kid. You can't love it that much, blah, blah, blah. Your shit would love you if you were just a fucking pile of sticks. I loves you for food. I would love you for a pile of sticks. And you're going to get home from tour and it's going to jump up and you're going to weep.

You're going to weep like Owen Wilson At the end of Marley and Me I just want to put it out there though I don't need that dog's love I'm fine with it I don't even need Natalie's love So you're spending 10 grand on a dog I just need yours Daniel

I'm spending Three and a bit grand 3,750 pounds That's an expensive rescue That's fucking weird She fucking dialed down the coach I wanted again She was like

you don't have to spend that on the coach Oh excellent you've all this is superb so after fucking Sophology finally fucking deliver your couch you're getting a puppy

And I said that's gonna get It's gonna be classless You can say no to this Can we talk about Your father-in-law's Very condescending email More than anything in the world Can I

There's no way he listens to the podcast oh not a chance right not a chance Guy doesn't have a phone so Natalie's in the family whatsapp and her mum's like

advising against getting a dog in the whatsapp like being a proper buzz killer right the same family that let her marry you

like oh you know what let's let's stop them getting a dog this would actually work if you replaced the word dog

for Kai. Show me to do both. That's how I do it, Kai. So this is Natalie's dad. Email to Natalie. Hi, Natalie. Having a Kai is a bigger responsibility than having a child.

It never grows up. It just grows old. We hope. You have to train it and then take it out several times a day no matter what the weather and at least once a day carry a plastic bag with you to clean up its mess it completely takes over the household more so than a baby and he's mentioned babies twice at this point and he will and will require more attention from you when you're working or else it will bark continuously downstairs it's guy does do that until you trade it your furniture will be damaged hair gets everywhere

it has to be fed to every day what say it ain't so robert where did you hear these lies every day what does he think it is the king king john spaniel the second you need pet insurance but even so vet bills can be huge they fucking can be fucking Ray is fucking

even well we can't insure her because she's just so old it's like fucking trying to insure like a 17 year old get an insurer in your car arrangements have to be made if you want to go on holiday

even if it's only for a couple of days if you live on a farm it can run wild he If you want to go on holiday Even if it's only for a couple of days If you live on a farm it can run wild He knows you don't live on a farm Why are you being fake to your own daughter Robert If you live on a farm I don't know what you are up to these days

You helped us paint the house Remember Comedy is a fickle business And it can run wild it might be okay but not living in suburbia suburbia? who taught you suburbia?

I know you like the idea of having a dog but parentheses in my opinion you would not like the reality consider looking after a friend's dog

for a few days to see how you cope with the situation. Anyway, the decision is up to you and Guy. If you really want a dog, you'll surmount all these problems. Father. So I think it's funny that it's like, you'll have to carry a bag around with you.

You're like, what a chore. Like, if it's 20 kilos of luggage like uh i i didn't go to the supermarket for the same impracticalities i have to take a bag so i just starve to death blows my mind that you have to feed a dog every day i have to and also blows my mind that he thinks you only have to feed a dog once a day I know right That's also wrong That's right Yeah never had a dog And also Like I feed myself

Four times a day right And they are Prepared meals I'm scraping A tin hood onto the floor I will have a bowl On the floor I will have a bowl

On the floor But that's why I'm going to keep the bowl I'm scraping a tin Fucking it onto the floor That is literally It's like It's just

It That's not the bit It's not that bit It's not that And it's not the carry in the bag I don't think that's how you're going to feed your dog I think you're going to feed your dog Like a mama bird Open your hand

Feeds Scooping Like a mama bird Feeds a baby bird It'll start small It'll just be like You'll obviously be cooking bacon in the morning And the dog will be looking up at you

And you'll be like Oh okay And then you put it in your mouth And then the dog will kiss you And then you'll eat it in your mouth And you're like Great And then you'll have done that so much that the dog's never really learned how to eat his own meal and it just turns into you scooping like fucking caesars into your mouth chewing around a bit and then i end up with bulimia just because i keep throwing up into

the dog's mouth well i know you can still eat your four meals a day you fucking psycho and spewed into the dog no i'm just saying you masticate his or her heart. Oh, so don't swallow it. No, don't be disgusting. You're spewed into the dog. No, you don't want your stomach bile in the dog's face. I'm just telling you to masticate it for the dog. By the way, because also Natalie's been telling me all about the dog.

And she's like, you know, because Gareth and Laura got a dog that used to be like one of the hunting dog breeds. So Harris needs to run 17,000 miles miles every day otherwise he won't sleep rickets has a similar dog right they just they're designed for running with you if you go on mountains they need to be walked six or seven miles a day you got one that like even on the dot the professional dog website they're like you can show it a picture of of outside and it'll be fine like it needs to be walked for 45 just say walk isn't it running outside and it'll be fine. Like, it needs to be walked for 45 minutes. Just say walkies and it running up and down the stairs getting excited.

It, that's the walkies. That's it, right. Tell you what you could do. If you put a fucking VR on it and then you put it on a treadmill, it's not going to know the difference. And the reason that's good is because if it shits, the poo just comes straight off the end of the treadmill. Have the bag there.

Just have a little tray like the George Foreman. So, we we live like... How big does it get? You know, massive, quite big. No. Big enough to wrestle in that

like Chris Benoit. Hold on, let me dive in. Let's look at some facts. So we live right on the edge of like a... There's a bit of National Trust area

but there's like a bit of woodland and it's just like is it called a Prosecco poo? what was it? Prosecco poo fucking hell aye it is aye

Carver it is oh my god the picture I thought it was Prosecco poo Carver poo there's I think is this a poem about Carver poos?

please be a oh no okay look at it it's fucking lovely And Kai But I've This

It's so small You could fit it in a shoe Coat type Soft Loose curls Or waves All the names of like Curls hairstyles

Great Wonderful Grooming Weekly Colour White Gold Black And brown Size Small waves all the names of like carol's hairstyles great wonderful grooming weekly color white gold black and brown size small it says it it says small weight 20 to 25 pounds what's that in kilos so i i think like what what can is going to be fine. Feeding is going to be fine.

Carrying a bag is going to be such a non-chall, right? The thing that we've realised when we were discussing it. Nine kilos. Nine kilos. That's fucking adorable. Is that as a puppy? No, that's when it's fully. That's when it's fully grown.

I think so. Who am I? Height? It's 12 to 15 inches. I tell you, man, John Wick me. I tell you, I'm fucking John Wick.

I joined the National Trust, I've picked up knitting, I'm living this fucking rehabilitated life and all that, right? And one day, someone's going to fucking mess with me dog.

You're just going to see me get my fucking white tie back on. Aye. Ganful Blythe. Do you want to know the fun fact about your dog? Right and one day Someone's gonna Fucking mess with me dog You're just gonna You're just gonna see me Get me fucking White tie back on Aye So you Can't fall blithe Do you want to know The fun fact about your dog

Huh With the striking beauty Affectionate nature And athletic ability Of the cavalier And the intelligence And social attributes Of a poodle

Of being It'll sit in a fucking bag While you have Mocktails with the girls You fucking Sheila Is that what it says Aye that's aye This crossbreed

Was designed To be a match Made of the dog I'm so happy Twelve things to know Before getting a cockapoo Go on let's find out So the thing that

Because I imagine It's a vicious beast Can I just tell you Something about it So we should probably Make sure it's safe for you Bookmark that I want to tell you Something that Molly and I said.

So the thing that me and Natalie have had to discuss is, like, looking after her. I'm going to be away, but she's going to be home for the most part. She has to go to London. So there's going to be times where she can't go to London for work until I come back, which means we're accepting that we're going to have to spend less time together. There's one who has to stay in for the dog,

so it's not like she can go to London when I'm i'm away right and um she's got a couple of her friends and her brother on board obviously her parents on board yeah you read the email no you read the email and also they're not looking that wasn't an email of please can we babysit your dog please no i was trying to read between the lines but there were real close-packed words like there was not much room for a credit card between the lines. So, so we're like, okay,

Natalie's parents aren't going to help. But judging by that, that'd be pretty helpful with a baby. Cause he said baby about nine times. Yes, he did. Right. But then it's like, God,

wait until he finds out that you have to carry a bag around for a baby as well. As if I'm fucking just, I'm going out with a fucking kid. Are you taking anything out with you nah just being the baby that's not easy they're dead easy no they're not

these fucking dogs where you're carrying around oh pockets full of food a poo bag the thing I love is the freedom of a baby as long as you're carrying it by the back of its fucking neck

nothing else you can get them out of the shops and it's funny as well because he's going it's like it's more responsibility than having a kid and I'm going to say don't mistake us when i say this right the stakes are lower and

i don't mean about keeping them alive it's just as fucking equal that you have to keep the dog alive right i mean that i can't psychologically damage it with its upbringing all right it's what i mean like this is it's so much lower stakes on how i act around the dog to what the dog's going to grow up to do it's not going to become a serial killer if I get it wrong. You know what I mean? It could be. Could be.

Wow. If it's killing like little tiny fucking, it couldn't be the baby. I don't think it could. So, aye, so we have had to go, right,

this is going to be, we're tied to home. We're tied to home now for two people that travel a lot. We're going to change our lifestyle. We're going to build a support structure where we're going to have some help. people that travel a lot we're gonna change my lifestyle we're gonna build a support structure where we can have some help and I said to Marlena because Marlena's asking about this right yeah I'll get that a second listen this from Marlena she went oh I've got an idea and Marlena

I know you're listening I love you dearly oh here's an idea you could dog swap with Gareth I was like so when I need to go away if me and Natalie are like say going across to America just joining the tour you want me to drop my cockapoo off with Gareth and get Harris in between

and then board the flight with someone else's dog as a sustainable solution don't happen I'm fucking beat I think she might have been changing the subject It's the only thing she could have meant So go on then

You've got a list of Things that you might not have known about Your dog Number one This breed has one of the most adorable coats thanks to

its parents breeds so as I said if you're paying well over three grand

for a dog when it dies turn it into a rug I'm pretty sure that's what that's saying

or like nice slippers or something I might actually turn into a jiu jitsu dummy dick a new mouth on its

back it's a highly social breed It's friends' dads It's friends' dads In a WhatsApp group It's exceptionally easy to train It's good natured and family friendly Low shedding on non-shedding dogs

And it can Not does, but it can Live for a long time with the right care. So you're going to be sad in, what year is it now? It's 2021. Oh, are you doing this? You're going to be sad. Sad already?

You're going to be sad in about... You're going to kill me, dog. You're killing me, dog. Between 2031 and 2035. I'll not be there. So I reckon by you, I'm going to say you're 47th. How old are you now?

I'm 38, I had to think there. Oh, fucking hell. Oh, man. So like on your 50th birthday, this dog might not be here. Aye. Me or the dog. Let me get to my most...

I'll be with another woman by then. I'll have another dog. Well, she'll pick that one too oh do you know what killed us fucking Nick Cody last time I saw him last time I was in Australia

he just went oh man I've got to thank you for telling me that song man I was like which song and he turned there your girlfriend your girlfriend

picks a dog he's like I fucking love doing it aye he does whenever we were in Melbourne together we were singing it at people and so I cannot

wait for because I was considering texting Nick last night to tell him tell him to listen to this aye

he's got to listen to this episode tell him to listen to this episode because fucking Nick if you listen I'm fucking

sorry mate I feel like you know when one of your heroes turns out to be a nonce you know and I'm like I like Michael Jackson he's got some good songs You know when one of your heroes turns out to be a nonce? You know when I'm like, I like Michael Jackson, he's got some good songs.

Not David James. I was Cody's favourite songwriter. Yeah. Wait, didn't you just make yourself Cody's hero? As a songwriter, I was. I see, right. These dogs are... Campapoos are very energetic and need lots of exercise. Oh, okay.

They need at least an hour, preferably two or three, of active outdoor playtime per day. When these pups are not running apart, they like to be very playful indoors. These dogs are so friendly, they don't work as guard or even watch dogs. Oh, well. Oh, Jesus.

Well, Natalie, we're going to have to take it back. So the one purpose that we bred dogs for over the years. The one thing that we completely agreed on that you would want a dog for is to like, it would have a use. It's not just an aesthetic. Many people get dogs with the hope of them acting both as family pets and as watch their guard dogs this is a good concept most of the time but it really doesn't work with cavaboos these dogs are just too friendly and good natured

oh i gotta love this dog i kind of love this dog so hard and I hate myself for it. I can't believe it's happening. You've got a groom at loads. This is a... Wait, hold on. Oh, yeah, this is a strictly indoor breed. Like, so Ricketts, if you're listening, you know how you're like, oh, great, guys got a dog.

Maybe we can hike mountains together. Yeah, if guys want us in a fucking rucksack. You genuinely, if you want to hang out with Ricketts up north, you're genuinely going to need a fucking papoose for your dog. A little trailer. A cava papoose. A cava poo papoose. I'm hungover as well, Daniel.

I got absolutely fucking well-eat last night. Do you know what you should do? I was up till 7 o'clock in the morning don't try and make yourself seem cool

listen guys I'm a legend I do drugs pretty hardcore do you reckon if you were to wear a hoodie back to front

you could just put the cap up just in the hood at the front and then you can just like

give it all the kisses that you want because you always want to be within the distance of your dog.

I imagine that's a priority for you. I'm asking if it's a good boy. Aye. Oh, there's a girl in it. I'm not asking if it's good. I'm telling it after a good boy. It was a good boy. He points at myself.

Just so we're aware. Just so we know who's the big dog in this. Look at me. Look into my eyes. Who's a good boy? This cunt. This guy is the goodest boy. So you're not letting us spin this into I am husband of the air?

Probably the most important note about the Cavapoo breed is that they... You're talking over us there, I feel. Oh my God, this is so good. I'm so glad. Oh, Nick Cooney, get your dick out because you're about to get rock hard over the... Probably the most important note about the Cavapoo breed is that they are incredibly susceptible to separation anxiety. This is very difficult for all dog breeds

that are both highly intelligent and very social. Basically, every time you want to leave your Cavapoo home alone for more than a couple of hours, you risk your dog getting anxious, stressed out, outright depressed, to start developing disobedient tendencies and to go all out destructive on your furniture. Oh, Natalie works from home.

I wasn't worried about you not seeing the dog. I'm just in another many tiered delicious cake of hypocrisy that you've baked me today is you are getting a dog that gets anxiety like it's not even like it's not even

you're getting a dog like it's not only fucking useless but your dog if you and Natalie need needs it's own emotional support dog because it's such how is the man how is the man who got rich off breaking up couples and then used the money to buy an engagement ring literally hypocrisy how the hypocrisy in that alone is well i mean yeah if you want to go for the the headline angle if you want a daily mail spinner

if that's the way we're doing it alright we'll just reduce this 90 minute show into this headline and that's there's no other layers or

anything yeah that's the angle well done Murdoch Media you didn't look at all the things I said about like when I was saying

your girlfriend your girlfriend your girlfriend picked your dog congratulations mate that's the next verse it's like yeah you're a good husband

it's like you can't like all I did was point you to fact I didn't tell my opinion on it but the tone of the singing implied

no I mean if that's what you picked up from it that's what you picked up from it I kind of you know take your own interpretation

I can only write the song you make it your own what are we going to do now? I don't know We've still got 10 minutes Before we need to do the Have you got 10 more minutes in you Of roasting us for having a shit dog?

Guy I've got Years Oh you mean when this podcast Oh but that's not the end of it No not even Oh what Oh my god How long do you think it'll be

Before the dog Is the background on your phone? It's not the end of it. No, not even remotely. Oh, what? Oh, my God. How long do you think it'll be before the dog is the background on your phone? What, you mean this? Is it already? Aye. That's Natalie. Darn. How long do you reckon?

Oh, as well. Did Bobby put in about leaving hair everywhere? Mm-hmm. Has he met his daughter? I don't know. Has he? Like, Natalie's hair gets everywhere. I kind of peel me foreskin back

when we find one of her hairs on Nanny. They get fucking everywhere. They do. Cara's got the audacity. Like, I'm the one that has to, well, no, this isn't true. I was about to claim that I did all the cleaning of the drains. But very occasionally she's like,

you do the drains. I'm like, we all know that's not me. Like, none of the, it's not blocked. That's not my hair. Let's be fucking realistic here. Aye. Aye, we're not married yet. This isn't a team problem.

No, I mean, I'll do it. Yeah, I do. I do it, it'll never get done. If it's left on that leash, what she does, right, is just leaves it until, like, it just starts catching everything else. Like, Anne's doing their soap, and fucking, if you're washing stuff off,

yeah, and all that, like, mucking mucking that like it gets clagged up and this like fucking cronenberg and um and then what shall day is pour down some industrial acid and just fucking burn it off or whatever and i'm like i'm i think that's the why don't we just get it out before it gets like that so i just keep on top of it and then i just find it quite funny that he's like, you'll get hair everywhere to the person that molts more than

any other human in the world. And also it's a non-shedding dog. So he's wrong. You don't defeat it more than once a day. It does get, it does get anxiety though. It'll not ruin me, man.

Because it'll become like their own husband. It's going to have all kinds of mad swagger. It's swagger's going to be on from the minute it walks through the door. You're going to carry all kinds of mad swagger. It's swagger's going to be on from the minute it walks through the door. You're going to carry it around with one hand.

Just slung over your arm. Just scoop it up. I'm going to answer the door with it in my dressing gown. You're going to watch Toon Games with it and then not cheer because you don't want to startle it. So when do you think you'll have that as a background on your phone? I'll not have it as a background. Well, I'm going to say this straight up. I can't trust you saying I'll never do

anything ever again. You can't look me in the eyes and say I'll never have it as a background. We've already seen the levels of hypocrisy. Don't make this a mistrust thing because as much as I've passed judgment on other people for their shit dogs, I've never said I wouldn't date. I don't know if that's true.

I can't prove it's not, but it's not a certainty for me. You know what? I wouldn't put money on it that I haven't said it. You wouldn't even even yourself yourself not even a quid but i can't remember saying it i just knew i thought it a lot daily oh i'm excited i can't wait for you to get a dog but i love when people get pets i'll get to see it all the time i'm fucking looking forward to it but the other layer of enjoyment is everything like we were we had a good night at the fridge yesterday it was the first day when it fucking properly felt like the fridge because we managed to get out to bristol square

you tried to throw my weight around that i was fucking annoyed at that guy he was he wouldn't let us in the guild of blue and i was like fucking i've i've worked like i'm you guys it's for artists only i was like i'm an artist at this venue, he's like, have you got your pass? I'm like, well, I'll go in and get it, this is my first time

coming to the venue, but like, I'll find the listing or something online and show you it, right, and he's just like, nah,

because as soon as I said I was at the Guild of Blue, he went, nah, it's the Pleasance, unless you remember the Pleasance, I'm like,

why the fuck, why did I have to be a member of the Pleasance to get in the Guild of Blue? And then I just was like, I've fucking gone in, I've fucking worked at this venue for 10

years they've took fucking thousands and thousands of pounds off us you're allowed to get into

the artist I'm working into that place and then you can deal with it after and then fucking he wasn't

letting me in I was like just do some research he's the fucking biggest actor at the festival I showed him

your fucking triple A pass and that I was like just fucking you're working in an artist bar

you're not even having like because you come out with like a disrespect that you're getting denied from the just fucking you're working in an artist bar you're not even having like because you come out with like a disrespect that you're getting denied

from the place and you're like there's a chance that artists are going to be coming in treat them treat them nice

treat everybody nice that's the fucking rule you know treat everybody nice I was mad

that he'd treat punters that way also it was a Saturday night when we got to the artist bar it was not

shite me when I was there guess why that cunt's on the door and then when he fucking phoned out his wife

because he'd fucking texted he heard of Daniel Sluss and all that he finds out he sucked your dick so hard

and he's all happy and arms are under and all that I think he was a mature man that apologised and groaned enough to admit when he was wrong

lovely fan always respect those he came away and he went I don't care how they do it, but as long as they bend the knee. You're calling me a diva. You're calling me a diva.

No, but you did it. Like, man, I'm not happy. I was whacking it. I was hostile with him. I was like, fuck off. I'm not happy to be turned away from artist bars, but man, one of my biggest fucking fear in the entire world is to ever legitimately say the words don't you know who I am

that's when it's fucking over for me if I ever catch myself sincerely doing that I'll break my own fucking neck it wasn't it you know who I am it was I fucking work here like if I worked at Concordia and fucking 10 years into me fucking tenure there I worked through the back door and someone I'd never met

said I'm not getting in. I'd be like, aye, I am. You're not getting in. Aye, it would just be like, this is your first shift here. Like, this is my regular.

And I'd give him the opportunity, I'd tell him that I worked there. It was up to him at that point to confirm it. That's not my problem. It takes a big man to admit when he was wrong

and he bent the fucking knee. Set me fucking dog on him A dog that won't run too far away from you Otherwise it'll get in the shakes Rocky It's not called Rocky What other names have you gone for?

I like Adam Johnson Right I'm quoting that I'm putting that That's on a button. How do you put a time stamp on your candy I think? Fuck. I'll just, I wouldn't know. That's my favourite button. What other names do you like? Kirk is great. Sh, but I think Shandy's maybe more of a boy. Oh, yeah, and because it's not a real drink in the same way. Do you know how much I can for it? But then again, I think, like, Whiskey is a name.

You can't call a dog that's a... If it can fit in a whiskey glass, it's not allowed to be called Whiskey. It sounds like that would be a good criteria. No. If it would be called Whiskey. Whiskey Tango, that's all army stuff. This ain't an army dog. Tango be a good criteria. No. If I'd been called Whiskey. Whiskey Tango. That's all army stuff. This ain't an army dog. Tango is a good name.

Only if it's the fizzy pop. Aye. I told Alice she should call it Day 51 in the Big Brother house. Just so you have to shout that when you're out in the park. Day 51 in the Big Brother house. Come on. Where are you? call it Anton Deck first name Anton

Tyne maybe Tyne nah it doesn't work does it I think if you had two pets and they were called Clyde and Tyne after the two rivers of Glasgow I've told Cara that when Ray

finally cops out and we get two of the main coons we're going to call it them Pegasus and Superman or Peggy and Sue for short. Nice. And I've told everyone that joke just so that when we do get to, they automatically assume the name. Cara's like we're absolutely not calling

them that. This is my vision board, if you say something enough times it'll come true times so everyone will just call them peggy and sue begging too you know what's going to be really hard i might actually i might actually keep it from sup but then i'm getting a dog because i've went so hard on him for his dog because this is just just lads been lads, isn't it, right? Like,

his dog has kept him alive. Aye. He's got PTSD, he's been to war, he's an ex-soldier, he's seen his friends die, he's lost a lot of friends that have come out of service, like,

the guy's had a fucking rough time, right? And he's been through all the different fucking methods of like, he's had therapy, he's been to fucking, Help for Heroes have had him

on activities and all that, like, just, he's been to fucking, Helper Heroes have had him on activities and all that, like just, meds. He's been on meds, that fucked him right up. I was so happy when he managed to come off them. He's self-medicated,

his weed. Signed himself up to therapy as well. And he, grown as a man. And he got this dog, Rufus, and just the focus

of like, responsibility and someone to look after and the times that he's like, he might have thought about checking out but he hasn't because of this dog right and I know how much

that dog means to him and I pretend to hate it like your dog's a fucking cunt it's an arsehole me life was better before I met it I am fucking a horse I live with his dog

but then I'll see his dog and I'll give it love right I'll give it love and he'll like I was away for his birth to all his mates and I was fucking hostile with his dog but then I'll see his dog and I'll give it love right I'll give it love and he'll like I was away for his birth to all his mates and I was telling all of his mates how shit his dog is

right he's like every time you're with it you give it hugs and all that and fucking have a good time with it I was like

what the fuck I spit on it what's up with can it now I've got this dog I need to keep a complete secret what's up with

well why don't you just hide it in your little fucking handbag then he wouldn't see it put it down your blouse are you going to walk it on a

just like fucking like nerd rope just fucking something small easy shoestring I'm saying everything that's coming out your mouth on this podcast

toxic masculinity I bet you fucking are I'm glad you're picking up what I'm putting down because you I bet you fucking are. I'm glad you're picking up what I'm putting down. Because you're a girlfriend. You're a girlfriend. You're a girlfriend. Picture a dog.

Picture a dog. You're a girlfriend. Picture a dog. Hip hip. Hooray. Hip hip. Hooray. For she's a jolly good fellow. For she's a jolly good fellow. For she's a jolly good fellow For she's a jolly good fellow

For she's a jolly good fellow And you picked your dog So I'm just going to have to eat my dessert aren't I Yep I'm just going to have to have A great time with my dog With egg on my face You big disgrace

Kicking your dog all over the place She pecked She pecked Your dog She pecked Your dog What a great day I'm so happy

I can't thank you enough Also can't thank enough everyone that came to our fucking friend show because by the time this is out oh no wait there's still two at the

festival theatre you can get tickets to those those are this week I think Friday or Saturday I don't know fucking google it

also Glasgow we're at the SECC that next Saturday or the weekend I don't fucking know 28th the weekend

of the 28th alright there you go so you can buy tickets to our shows Kai's doing a show with Gareth and You live with him Go on you can do it

Who You know who it is Troy Snooks Oh fuck And How confident are you In your first show tonight

Well About that You Colin I meant to be doing 20 minutes of new material Colin last night Went home early Got all of his notes Well, about that. I meant to be doing 20 minutes of new material. Cullen last night went home early, got all of his notes.

He's in his notes now while I'm doing a podcast. He's getting his stuff sorted. Gareth Waugh has been already trialling out his new material at a different venue with two other acts. Different school, you wouldn't know them. I got on the gear until seven. Not always a consummate professional Who knew But That said

The writing is done Because I was Writing quite prolifically At the start of 2020 And then And then Just like a Wait sorry

You're telling me You're saving grace as A year and a half ago You did some work? Mm-hmm. I'm confident for you. So I've got 20 minutes of material that I wrote just before lockdown.

I performed it at Work in Progress and got a recording of it so I can watch it back and relearn it while you're on stage tonight. I mean, best of luck. Thanks, man. You know I'm a natural though I'm like Jay Z Just fucking

Fire in the booth Just Can I talk to Jay Z Have I don't know Google it Have a look Have a look at Jay Z

Jay Z's I bet you Beyonce Has him carrying around A Oh Devastating for you What's he got

I'm very Am I a dog Oh Jay Z Pet Celebrity Pet Worth In August Puppy Carter Worth 36.2 million dollars

Fuck off Did he get that From Humphrey's pool Are you going to answer that Do you know what kind of dog he's got Yeah it looks like a Oh no I don't actually Brand new puppy

Dressed in a fashionable red skirt That's her I don't care what she was Fucking wearing Jesus Christ So Shall we wrap this up now because we've got a show to do

so I've got I've got two shows with you tonight and I've got my show which I'm fairly confident I think I'll be alright you know what

come guys come later in the run this is my advice oh I'm doing every gig except the the weekend of the 21st hold on

I'm going to tell you which dates I'm doing erm iCal no Cal can I'm doing um iCal no Cal can I type iCal anymore are we getting sloppy

here Daniel no you are I am um I am not doing the 20th and 21st but every other show

that it's I think if you find it on the fringe show just type in any of our names Ryan, Colin, Kai, Humphries Gareth Waugh you'll find our show

it's at 9 o'clock in the wine bar of the Gilded Balloon And then dad jokes Yep Your dad gargles soup after flossing Your dad had a bath in beans But it wasn't for charity It was before job interview Did he get the job?

No I thought he was fucking weird. Your dad hunts seagulls on the beach with darts. Not blow darts. Just darts. Darts. Fucking yeets them. Your dad got...

He's never made a kill, but he's ruined a couple of picnics. Your dad got swept off his feet By a man when he met her at judo Your dad gets a sticker After every blowjob For being a brave boy Your dad puts socks down his undies

To pad them out But down the back So it looks like he shut himself Keeps the ladies away Your dad eats hot dogs Like corn on the cob Your dad twisted hot dogs like corn on the cob. Your dad twisted a condom into the shape of a giraffe while his cock was still in it.

Your dad cried when Adam Johnson was jailed. I wish I had that button now. When your dad sticks his tongue out, it comes out of his nose. That's how he eats cream eggs. Alright, we're deleting this one. No. I don't think we'll.

Press stop then.