Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.34 Can I get a Witness

Episode Date: August 25, 2021

After paying tribute to a comedy legend, the podcast rapidly descends into a confession about Muggins' disastrous day in court and the incidents that lead to that moment. Cream reminds himself how very different their lives were before they met.  Merch:  https://muggins-and-cream.myspreadshop.co.uk              

Hello and thank you for tuning in to Sloss and Humphreys On The Road. We have got a podcast episode for you today. It starts off roasting my dog, Standard. And we do some tributes to Sean Locke. And do a little bit of a testimonial to him. And then I talk about drinking Baileys through the day. And for some reason that unlocks a suppressed memory about attempted knife crime. So enjoy that story.

I want to say thank you to everyone who's signed up as a patron and funding this podcast, letting us get all of our equipment and stuff. Since we've upgraded the podcast, we've upgraded your membership. Now you can get every single episode, video that comes out on Patreon

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and thank you for listening everyone one and all enjoy this episode. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglopedia. Where have you been since 9-11? So, I've had one week to think about it and I've come up with me spin. Oh, the dog spin? Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

So when people say it's walking their dog, walking their dog. Yeah, your dog. Our dog, yeah. Peggy. Absolutely. Absolutely. Already. Already raging. dog yeah your dog our dog yeah um piggy absolutely already already raging why are you raging well one because i've been very open about the fact that in 26 years when ray the fat cat finally dies and we move on to other cats because she can't have other cats because she's a cunt we're gonna get two main coons and I want to call them

Pegasus and Superman or Peggy and Sue for short because I think that's very funny and also it does count as nothing. And Natalie is now... So what's the reference? What's the Peggy Sue? Being that close, I don't know.

Technical difficulties. What's the Peggy Sue reference? Is close to MF. Technical difficulties. What's the Peggy Sue reference? Is Peggy Sue... Peggy and Sue. Because when you first told me on the podcast, I thought it was like Kim and Aggie, like the cleaners. Who the fuck is Kim and Aggie? The cleaners from a TV show.

You've got Kim and Aggie. You've got French and Saunders aye you've got I'm really bad at female combinations aye there's way more

you don't know Kim and Aggie no so I thought Peggy and Sue was like in our homes under the hammer or something like that maybe it is oh

is it not maybe it is maybe that's where I've got it from Sue what's that lesbian Sue on the back of called Sue Perkins

Sue Perkins. Sue Perkins, yeah. Has she got a mate called Peggy? Maybe. So I thought it was something off that rate. But anyway, regardless, Natalie listened to the podcast. You want to call them Pegasus and Superman so they look like someone dead cool, but then it's Peggy and Sue, so they're like little...

Aye. Aye. And Natalie claims that's not why she wanted to call the dog Peggy, but she never mentioned the name Peggy before she listened to that episode i mean she's just she's she's baby named jacked which is like apparently not the done thing my mom fell out with one of our neighbors for probably still to this day because uh they were pregnant together and my mom um was going to call our child Stephanie. You were going to be called Stephanie?

No, it wasn't me. No, no, no, that's what you've just said. No, no.

We can roll back the tape and I think you just confirmed that you were going to be called Stephanie. No, no, I am recalling this from an account when I was alive. Oh, mm-hmm.

I was pregnant with my sister who was fated to be called Stephanie and my mum had spoken publicly about this. Fanny for sure. Ah. Is that what Fanny's

show for? No. Francis probably. Aye. Benjamin. So my mum was open about this

and then my neighbour who was also pregnant at the same time called her kid Stephanie and personally if that was me I'd be like oh there's two Stephanies

living on our street what do you know I like that one that wouldn't change it for me but my mum was just like I'm going to call the bitch Justine that'll show her so

well man if you well when you name your little dog Peggy I'm still calling her cat Peggy so yeah cool like I'm not

aye I just don't think it's fair so I'll come and go to Peggy or a little dog Peggy, I'm still calling our cat Peggy. Yeah, cool. Like, I'm not. Aye. I just don't think it's fair. So I come and go to Peggy. Or is it called Peggy because it pegs you? You fucking loser. So, on that note, on that note, which no, my dog doesn't peg us. Well, I mean, it's... But when people see me walking my dog...

Yeah, the dog that your girlfriend pegs. They won't go, oh, your girlfriend, your girlfriend, your girlfriend picks your dog. They will do that. They will go, his girlfriend must take it up the arse. Oh. Like, she must suck his dick

all the time for him to be like. Right. So what you're hoping is that they're going to look at you with your dog and then concut a lie in their own heads.

No. I'm saying they'll go, i'd do stuff like that for my lass if she'd done that sort of thing i would do that like see you working your fucking whatever german shepherd and all that and again i fucking yeah she'll just do anything not to shag him she's gonna i sure have a dog that's gonna slobber aloe and get her aloe the couch right and like just just stop trying to shag it's just eat live your life

get a best friend and people are going to look at me with a little dog and go fucking hell his sex life is off the charts I mean that is some

I've been trying Daniel I've been trying to spin it and this is what I've come up with alright well I hope it's true that you're mad at it okay aye

and you know what she's known to sometimes taking it up the shit out, like, before we're married and that. Aye. And I used to get... You sure you want this on the podcast? I used to get... This is a Monday one, isn't it?

Aye. Oh, fuck. Aye. Sorry, Natalie. Just as always, just so you know, Natalie, I obviously brought up none of this. Aye. I've ran it past Natalie.

You also... I've ran my theory past Natalie. Aye. And what does she think Did she tell you you were allowed to have that opinion She scratched me chin and gave us a treat When do you Get your little

Feminine dog On September the 8th The anniversary Is it Totally unplanned but like saves as, like, saves us a gift. Absolutely saves us a gift. Happy with that. Also, she listened to the podcast,

come up with a new dog name, miraculously, nothing to do with the podcast, and also told us that I had to correct everyone, retraction, that it's two and a half grand, not 3.75, which I stated, which actually, like, really shows my trouser wearing stance in the relationship that like i just was like cool with that well yeah and i mean two and a half grand for a dog is way more reasonable it's still a bit too much but also there's free ones down the road

mate they've got entire shops just for them not shops because they're free you just go rescue a real one a proper real actual dog that does dog things like bark I don't want it to bark

I don't want it to mould hair and it's not going to mould hair you don't want it to defend you under any circumstance don't want it to

defend us I do want it to get anxious the worst thing about this podcast is we're trialling video on it to see if. The worst thing about this podcast is we're trailing video on it to see if we can work the video. It might not see the later day or whatever, right?

But on the podcast, like the previous podcast, last Monday's Your Girlfriend Picked a Dog episode, like people couldn't see how absolutely defeated I was. But now there might be an option to go on YouTube and see how utterly defeated I am.

On that note note we are as always we're taking further steps to improving the podcast now that you cunts are fucking paying for it so we've got one camera realistically at one point we'll probably need fucking two but we

need to work out on we're getting someone to potentially edit stuff together the sound's already better. We are making moves to have, I don't know, just better content. But it does instantly become harder on the fucking road. Yeah, I've actually, I've bought, there's this company in Denmark

that do like custom made luggage for specific sound equipment. And I've managed to get hold of a portable carry-on. For this? For this bad boy. Carry-on? Carry-on. Oh, okay.

I mean, right, I locked up EasyJet, right? Unless you've got the legroom seats, right? Did you know this was EasyJet? Like, if you've got legroom seats, you get bigger luggage. No. By, like, 10 centimetres or something. Aye, so apparently... When are we fucking flying EasyJet?

Sunday. Are we? I think so. We're going to Lisbon. I'm sure it's EasyJet. So I think it's going to be like, depending on what our tickets are, I don't know if the Ganymede has put it in the hold. It'll be fine in the hold. It just means I might have to pay a bit more. But we're

flying again soon. Are we taking these mics with us? Yes. Do they have stands? No, I'll put them in my luggage. Right. Or we can just bring the little stands. But we do have stands.

We could take this off the podcast. We could. We could. No, no, no. But I think this is fair. The production quality becomes better, but the content becomes way worse. Oh, yeah.

It's a good trade-off, isn't oh yeah it's a good trade off isn't it it's a fair trade off I did make that really I made that clear as well when I said like you've upped the game

with the tech but like I'm not making any promises I refuse to be funny at all anymore you were never funny people on the podcast

you're fucking a stick you know what you know when people first find out you're a comedian and they just like think that you're there and then gonna make them laugh that is the you know what you know when people first find out you're a comedian and they just like think that you're there and then

gonna make them laugh that is the you know what somebody like broke the mold with it the other day it was you know the guy who

sold us the house I don't know him personally you don't know him personally right but yeah he came round to pick up some mail because some mail

still arrived here and we're giving him his hose back because we've got a new hose and I was there like i'll get that back whatever um and i just got chatting with him and he asked what it was i do because i like you saw me studio when the fucking like foam pads on the wall and all that and just making conversation that's what it does and i tell them and then he just went oh i bet it makes you sick when people just find out what you're doing that's

gonna be funny i was like, the fucking awareness of that. Like, I met her so happy because it was fucking nine o'clock in the morning. I forgot he was coming round. I fucking, when I answered the door, I had to quickly grab a t-shirt because I was just in my pyjamas and all that, right?

There's some moments, you know, before I've had my first coffee, I've never felt less funny in my entire fucking life. And the last thing I want to do is be in my pyjamas, in my kitchen, trying to make someone with a fucking shit-eating grin laugh because they've funded i'm a comedian just now

that's not where i want to be in my life that is one of the like it's a hack joke that everyone does at the start of their career as a star what was yours mine's was you know the original before i tell you i was the original was bobhouse, and it was a cartographer, and it was go on, then draw me a map. Is that the original? That was the original. That was the ground zero of that joke, or the patient zero.

I think mine was fireman. Okay. So how did you punchline that? I can't remember. I don't know if I did. Oh, you're a fireman. Go on, then. Get us out of a tree.

Or just like light a fire. And then probably like a porn star or something like that would have been where I think. Mine? Mine would have gone. Mine one was epileptic. Oh, you're epileptic. Go on then, swallow your tongue. I thought it was quite an original spin on it.

I was like quite happy to have me own one of them because I was like, sorry, that one. But that's like a

joke. I remember at one point I saw a comedian do a joke like a new open spot, do a joke with different punchlines

along that vein. And some other comedian was like, oh, that's my joke. And I'm like, buddy, that's all of our

jokes. You don't get to claim fucking ownership. Like that's a, because sometimes there is such a thing as blatant fucking joke theft but then there is also stumbling across the same premise now i stumbled across the same premise as the uh late great sean lock i used to have a fucking joke and he did a carrot in a box he did it way better but the joke was i I always hate that fucking excuse that racists use, which is, I'm not racist, some of my best friends are black. That's like saying, I'm not a paedophile,

some of my closest friends are children, right? So that was one of the first jokes I ever wrote. And then I went down and me and Sean Locke were doing the same gig and he just told it way better. And I remember at the time, just like my tiny 18 year old ego just trying to backwards manufacture how Sean Lock clearly had writers and one of them had been to my gig

oh no he didn't this wasn't anything I said out loud but while I was watching it trying to justify it to him and then it was just after a bit of time I was like man we just, I mean you watch the rest of the set he was such a brilliant comic I'm like he just got there before i did and because he's more famous he's got the rights to the fucking joke i sometimes sometimes if somebody like just more famous

than you gets the gets the joke on a bigger platform you just have to just admit defeat you like i didn't get it stolen from us but that's why I can't do my black stuff anymore because of Chris Rock he got there just before me I think I had it first so Sean Logsdale isn't that sad

it's fucking shit because like I mean we met him a couple of times you donated 10 cats for him no

yep yep he was lovely to me then and also he was at Altitude that's what I was going to say I didn't know if you were just

such good fun at Altitude because he instigated everyone getting in the cupboard there was like they used it as a box office but it was like a little cloak room and he was in there

with just like the lasses at work at Altitude like Natalie my wife and Mary and Soraya and Belle

and Andy Smart and a couple of the improv trums and then Marcus Brigstock went in and Coppinger and then fucking me and you then Marcus Brigstock went in and Coppinger and then fucking me and you came by

and Brett come in and it was just like it was about fucking 30 of us in this tiny little car it was like a clown car and it was just what started off

was just a shit bit and remained a shit bit just became funnier and funnier and funnier but it was one of them like as a like a fresh new comedian

compared to him and like lads on that level um it was just one of them bizarre situations where you're like fucking wedged in a cupboard with sean lock like you know how sometimes you just have their moments in comedy where you're just like the fuck is going on with my life here i'm just up the alps somewhere fucking wedged in a broom cupboard with one of my heroes it was a yeah and here's my was this is such a testament to what makes a person a good person for me he was always lovely

to my mum and dad went out of his way to speak to them always remembered their name because he knew that we were all comedy fans and that we were all big Sean Locke fans he knew it there was no way they didn't understand how much we all fucking loved what he did and

sometimes you can get comedians who don't like that and they fucking shirk away from it but you know my dad would be sitting there with a big shitty grin telling funny stories and would laugh at the fucking jokes and join in yeah i noticed you made like a special effect with uh the non-comedians i like the not the non-coms like he ended up like chatting to natalie in a bar for ages and nat Natalie was just Absolutely fucking Captivated by him And that

Just because He's just such a Good storyteller And he's so funny And so intelligent And I was just like I was just really Like pleased that

He was taking the time out For people that Weren't in the industries Which is What a lot of comedians Don't do And it's like It's such a shitty thing

To overlook But like the majority like it's clicky, you know, and I just thought that was absolutely class and when we watched him from the balcony

at the gala show in just every single comic, just fucking, not a single comic missed his performance. He just like, shit, this is fucking.

I also found, I also found. This is a learning opportunity. it's not just you get to watch someone you get to like you get to try and understand the mechanics of it i watch the craft can you tell the story no absolutely not can you know that's not a story to tell 100% not telling the story never okay and you are very bad at working out what and what not to say on this fucking podcast. I know. You know why?

Because I normally live my life where I feel like I can say anything because I just say whatever. Like, I just say stuff because I've heard it. I'm passing it on and all that. But, like, I sometimes don't respect other people's privacy. I'm very aware. That's a problem for me. But one thing I did think was you know when everyone was

because I loved all the testimonials on Facebook like I and I didn't do it because one thing I hate when somebody dies

is when like people make it about them or try and harvest likes off what what their experience is or what their opinion is and the story

about the time I met them and how they impacted my life and I understand that it comes from a good place because when Trevor Moore died, I really liked one of the other guys from White's Kid You Know.

Just kept posting photos of Trevor and just talking about what he was like as a person and like, you know, how much he loved his wife

and how much he loved his kid and he always, he never tried to do anything fashion related but he always looked dead good and he took great photos. And it was just really nice to have like this,

this friend of his that's you know grieving but he's grieving in a way that he's just selling telling stories about this man that I really really liked and it was an insight and I'm going you you could do that because you're the friend like you're there close enough throughout his life to be an actual point. You know, he just gets to go, I was on a show with him and he said hello once. Oh God. I met him once. And I felt a little bit like I was going to do that because I put out a fucking Facebook status.

But I did it because I was comforted by everyone else's. I really enjoyed reading all of the testimonials from people that met him briefly, people that had known him like his whole career. Like that's another thing. It's like like i didn't know him very well but i'm like close to people that that are very close to him and it's like them shock waves hit you like the the the fucking like the passive grief and um i just i was really comforted by like just the industry response to it and like it was just this day of like just nice thoughts

and nice vibes about this man that everyone was sad that we've lost right and uh i fuck i'm forgetting i'm forgetting where i was going with it but people do you thought you weren't going to do any fucking tribute oh yeah yeah this is where i was going with it and then when i saw all the tributes i thought it would be really on brand for Sean Lockford to be a hoax because he wanted to read what people said. It would have been like... I saw people tagging him on Twitter and I'm like, you are aware the only reason he went on Twitter

was because somebody was pretending to be him on Twitter and he just created a Twitter account, got verified, and then went, this is my real account, I hate Twitter. And that was his last tweet. That was his last tweet? And that was seven or eight years ago. So funny. So, like, it was just because of the little things that Adam made you think,

like, hey, I wonder if he's just fucking, like, done, like, was it Jimmy Nail on there? You've probably not watched Off Weeders and Pet. I'm going to assume you haven't. When they rebooted that, he got the old crew back together by staging his own death so that, like, the turnout for his funeral so that he could go, right, it's the only way I together by staging his own death. So that like the turnout for his funeral, so that he could go, right,

it's the only way I could get you in the room. So you reckon this is Sean Locke just trying to get eight out of ten cats back together? I think Sean Locke is trying to rip off Jimmy Neal. That's my angle. I like, I'm not, I'm not on Twitter, but Marlena sent me a fucking message.

She was like, do you want to tweet anything about Jean-Luc and I was just like nah man like I'm enjoying reading what other people have to say but also like I met him I met him a couple times he was always just weird to me like I was I was gutted when he died like spoke to Cara about it for a bit spoke to Colin and that just being like you know

he was a really nice guy and he was so funny and but you know that's my thing i don't want to i don't want to just join in this fucking wave and if that's how people want to agree if that's how they want to agree but the way i'm choosing is i'm just making my own thing and fucking subcunt online was just like why have you not posted about sean logger you're going fucking what cunt it's my fucking job to comment on every fucking i owe you a reaction do i what am i a fucking youtube star for all he knows you could be like really close to him and composing yourself all right like he doesn't know what the fuck your situation is what do you think

about this death what the fuck are you talking about but um it was because uh marlene marlene has got yeah um she's got your Twitter account and she's got a Twitter promote and the American dates came out and she clearly scheduled a bunch of tweets to time with the release of the things

and scrolling through Twitter it really looked like you hadn't read the room no I just think it was totally like I just think what Sean Locke would have wanted

was for people to come see me on Twitter I was scrolling through and it was testimonial after testimonial. It was like, come see me in Boston. Aye, but you understand that's your Twitter feed. No, that's my Twitter feed. That's not everyone else's. No, it didn't.

Aye, let's, I just, I hate people that, man, you're allowed to be on Twitter. I loved it for years and years and years. But anyone that pretends it's anything other than a vitriolic cesspit hi i'm just like that's all it is man you can use it for promotion i understand you can but like it's a fucking cesspit of shit and like let's not pretend there are any good rules on it like the golden years of twitter are over now the q and o very brief hi there was classified...

It was like Vine. Remember how good Vine was? Oh, I made Vine. What happened to Vine? I think somebody bought it and then shat it off. You know, if Vine came out now, do you think, like,

that would be your scan? Oh, just leave it for the kids. But at the time, we kind of were kids. Is that TikTok? No, no. Vine was... Vine had, like,

parameters of creativity. It was like... had, like, parameters of creativity. It was like, it's just six-second clips. That's all it is. You're not getting more. You're not getting less. You hold the video and stop, and it stops recording, but you can continue again, so you can change the environment a bit.

Aye. We were fucking, like, I thought we were pretty creative with that. Like, we've done some good Vines. Bo Burnham's Vines were always fucking brilliant. So many comedians were very, very good in it. Whereas like, I thought we were pretty creative with that. Like, we've done some good vines. Oh, Burnham's vines were always fucking brilliant. So many comedians were very, very good in it. With this TikTok, I mean, I just can't. I might pay someone one day to do a Daniel Sloss TikTok, which they just do, but I'm actively never going on it.

When I was doing a bit of research on, like, Twitch and how to get Twitch viewership, it's obviously, like, one of the obvious tips obvious tips is like tell people about it on social media like people will find out about on social media and come off and everyone was like do not underestimate the power of tiktok like there's so apparently there's so much weight on conversion of like views to um like views to like people looking at the rest of your stuff like maybe they'll see a short clip they'll go and check out your youtube of your stuff. Like maybe they'll see a short clip. They'll go and check out your YouTube.

They'll check out your Twitch. They'll check out your podcast. But for me, it's just like, I don't want to fish in that pond. Like I really don't. And obviously like when, because with video and this,

I'm going to be cutting down shorter clips, getting some subtitles on and putting them out on socials. And I'll put them on like Instagram and I'll put them on, like I'll build an Instagram specifically for this. So I'm not just spamming off my own account so that people that follow this are following this for that reason so that they can see short clips on there

I know I should make a TikTok for the podcast if we've got video clips to put out and short clips to put out, I know I should but it would be harder for me than eating me words about getting a shit little dog It would be like it would be harder for me than eating me words about getting a shit little dog. Aye, that's just... It would be like, how many of me words am I going to eat in this world?

Like, it gets to the point where you're just like, that episode of Black Mirror where the lad's got the bit of glass next to his throat. It's like, I've succumbed to it all. I've succumbed to every single piece of this life. We've also got, what we were originally talking about there, was obviously adding potentially videos to this, which we

I mean, I imagine we will. The TikTok thing, I wouldn't mind it. I saw us on the road TikTok, that's allowed, but we would both have to stand in the corner for 45 years afterwards. Okay, right, if we do it, our first post Has got to just be us

In the corner Shagging Then we can buy enough TikTok for explicit content Perfect there we go We tried We tried We nailed it

We were too powerful They didn't want to see our truth We broke the internet Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Now, we've also, I say we, you've got merch. Oh, yeah, I've got merch on. Aye. I've got, I mean, the video, if it does come out, you can see it. But I've also got the T-shirt.

These are a really good cut as well, these Team Muggins T-shirts. Do you like it? No. Do you ever think, like, because you can't even tell, like, it just looks like a good brand. Well, Muggins. The artwork, the Muggins and the knitting and that for sure

just looks like it doesn't look like you're wearing merch it just looks like you're wearing a class t-shirt you know what I'm saying

I mean I'm actively in competition with you on this so so um you've got yours which fucking lady Corbin made who's a fucking awesome artist

and I instantly loved it and I think it's gonna sell well so we'll do that and by we I mean you who's a fucking awesome artist and I instantly loved it and I think it's going to sell well. So we'll do that. And by we, I mean you. So I get to select what goms it goes on.

Aye. So you're just having a tie-dye range. Fair enough. Absolutely zero. Make it all pink. See if it affects anything. I'm a hard-giver shit, man. Actually, I think tie-dye would be alright. You can get tie-dye on the merch store tie dye would be alright you can't get tie dye

on the merch store but yeah because you don't like do you not want to choose your options of what it goes on you won't

I imagined it was just do you want us to date with Cara Cara will date with us I imagined it was just the same ones that you that I'll just do well the ones I carefully chose for my followers

hoodies erm hoodies shirts condoms do they do condoms do you say shirts Aye

Like button up shirts Aye They don't do those I don't think so Right okay I don't know They might do baseball shirts Where it would like

Operate as a badge on it I don't know What about You wanted a button up shirt With your logo on Aye Who wears shirts Just above the

Who wears shirts With a logo Do they Do They do What's the word I'm looking for here Cufflinks That's the one They don't do cufflinks the do they do what's the word I'm looking for here cufflinks

that's the one they don't do cufflinks but you know what tie quirky tie for people in office jobs ooh maybe they do can we get a quirky tie

for people in office jobs I haven't spruced the office up yeah like the old keyboard ties and the old South Park ties you know like

for the wacky guy the wacky guy at the office Dan and Freddy's there's one of them mate when one of what one of the one of the wags You know, like for the wacky guy, the wacky guy at the office. Dan and Frady's. There was one of them at my wedding, wasn't there? What? One of the wags that was there,

and one of Natalie's friend's husbands was pure, like, funny guy at the office. Right? And he's normally a funny guy at the wedding, but he was at a wedding full of comedians. He'd just come off like a pure dork. And you're like, man, just drop there. It's not your responsibility, man man I've heard all of these jokes they're all like print press jokes

like what cookie cutter jokes do they do chopsticks socks do they do vans do they do vans I don't think they do footwear actually but what em you need a trolley token

What? Just for the old school Just for the first You know Our first ever episodes That we ever put up Was there was just A lot of trolley token

Bants about you Having a trolley token Which I still have a You know what I don't have a trolley token anymore And I've just got a quid That sits in the fucking Tesla And I'm like

It'd be way easier Is that because of peer pressure? What? You get peer pressure Because I lost my because it worked because I used to have I used to have keys

it is good to have because you'll end up spending the quid you never give a homeless guy your trolley token no not unless you're an absolute bastard

be like use this next time you're doing a big shop in Sainsbury's do the what motherfucking when I'm in Desco it's a basket

on a good day in what world do I need a trolley token You fucking rat That's how I know Me and Natalie have moved to a nice area Is because They trust you with the trolleys Do they

Aye I've never I've never lived in a place like that in my life There's not Man there's There is nothing fucking worse Than when you get to like Sainsbury's And You just don't have a question you're like what what right so i'm not i've now got to go to a fucking cash point to get a tenner out to go into the shop to buy a

bit of gum and then go can you give me a fucking quid just to go back outside the shop and then put a quid in hell on earth hell on earth you know what that's my nam i don't mind saying some shit i totally took us to be work so i want to have a because i've started do they do nude pens you know i right so it's like as normal then you click it and we've got no clothes on is that an option i feel like you open the pen to put a clothes on to feel like god i've got no clothes on. Is that an option? I feel like you open the pen to put a clothes on. To feel like, God, I've got to do more writing. I can't look at this no more.

We should do, remember those little circle things and you had a magnet. Pogs. No. It had a face on it, but you could use all the iron shavings to get the guy. Etch-a-sketch.

Kind of give them a new haircut. So it'd be like oh yeah like a mustache or whatever you're doing it like it's small but they were quite big boards then were they yeah they were like so you you would have like little stamps with magnets on that you could put stuff on i mean i never i i mean i grew up in a generation of drew drew i was just like can i borrow that when i finished stephan justine step i keep getting your name. I had it in my head for years and years before I was born. I was practising, yeah.

When mum said that you were going to be called Stephanie, I practised saying Stephanie in front of the mirror over and over and over again. I was holding, you know, the cabbage bag to catch it. I was like, Stephanie, so I'm just,

just used to it. So I hope you didn't practise like giving treats to an imaginary piggy. Well, I don't think you can name your animal until you've spent some time with it and getting a gauge on its personality. No,

that's how you name babies. You hold a baby and you're like, I thought this was going to be a Steve, but it's very clearly a Justine. Like, you know, it's just, it might have a completely different nature to the name you're about to sign to it.

What, like if you call it fucking You know, like, say if you're going to call it Darren. Aye. Right, and then you get it. It's got to be a scummy wee dog. Aye, and then you get it and it's just not an arsehole

at no point does it bark at children or lick it's own arsehole you're like oh you're not a Daz at all aye I don't you ever met

you ever met a sound Darren like no offence if you're called Darren no no at this point full offence from me personally

but like people only hang around with you because you've got a van and they may need to borrow it. I'm trying to think if I know any good Darrens. I don't even have a day. I don't think I'm not there.

Can we... Can we... Friends close, enemies closer, and completely miles away from Darrens. Any Darren. It was always my fucking go-to joke. If you know someone's a fuck, any AZA, any of them,

not a good person. Gaza, Daza, Gaza. Here's how Darren is, right? Darren's like someone that you like, contact him because he might be able to get hold of your drugs and he can. Aye. Right?

But then like, you'll hang out with him. You can't get rid of him. Aye, comes in, all right boys, we got you those two crabs of coke you want So where we doing them We're not

Oh You mistook me purchase For an invite man Like oh man If like everyone done this I couldn't fucking Get into Argos For a watch

We'd fucking Take the cashier home With us to fucking Oh yeah to our tent Look at the time We're just casting Shit on Doris I don't think

Darren goes to Darren goes up to the pub he's like I'll get the next round lads and then comes back with five apple sures and you're like man right that's not that's not a shot it's just

you might as well have just put a tiny bit of vodka into some fucking syrup at this point it's either tequila or a can you remember when Rouge bought tiny bit of vodka into some fucking syrup at this point it's either tequila or can you remember when Rouge bought were shots

in Hive oh it wasn't where like were you not there no oh no it wasn't even Hive it was Espinoche the one that's

downstairs and tall and different levels he just he come with his tray of shots right like fucking not even

we're not even doing rounds of shots he's just been he's been a good mate he's been the opposite of a daza he's been a good mate he's been a solid lad he's like i'm out i'm at the fringe we're having a good time i don't give a fuck that it's like nine away i'm gonna get everybody a shot right and he fucking comes back with a tree on his hand gives everyone a shot shout out, and cheers it, and down it, and it was fucking vodka. I just don't,

I've never seen that before. I have, but only in house parties when I was 15, 16, 17. And you know that's gonna happen? Yeah, aye. Like, and I know like, most shots that you have, like tequilas and sambucas,

they've got a kick in all that, and they send you a bit sideways, but there's something about surprise vodka like you know even when you're expecting tequila or sambuca

when you're getting hit with surprise vodka I was like are we in fucking are we in Russia well no because if we were in Russia it would be nice vodka

it wouldn't be it wouldn't be glens it wouldn't be glens in a badly washed fucking glass there was something really jarring about that right where you come along and everyone's like good spirits and cheers and then

you've just got all these people just mouth to the back of the hand and bam mate what's your problem that was a horrible prank to play what have i done to you that probably needs ruined the old yeah the older i get the more recovery time I need for after a shot to the point where I'm like I'll do most shots there's some I'll straight up turn down and toxic masculinity doesn't work on me anymore

you can call me all the names under the fucking sun I'm not doing a shot of fucking Sambuca ever again how are you doing with Sambuca? man my liver's got a trigger warning and it's fucking Sambuca ever again I've it's how you doing with Sambuca it's man it's my liver's got a trigger warning and it's fucking Sambuca also Cafe Patron

can now fuck off I'm done with that tequila Cafe Patron you know what I've started recreationally just having a little nightcap of Kahlua

it's like a coffee one isn't it I'm very aware of what it is quite like it just because you couldn't wait until Christmas for a fucking Baileys.

Oh, here we go. Fucking soup for breakfast complaining about what fucking season you're drinking. Yeah. Well, you can't have Baileys outside of December. Well, I only had Cluau because I was out of Baileys because I drink Baileys on a reg.

I just... Yeah, mate. I'm a shit dog, haven't I? I know you are. Are you going to pour some of the fucking Baileys or Kahlua just on your tits and then try and breastfeed your little dog with it? And be like, it just creates a bond

between us. Let's him know that I'm the matriarch of the family. I produce milk. Really fucking the devil's milk. Wait, why is that a term? Why do I know? Devil's milk. Oh, that's what Cullen calls Baileys. That's it.? Why do I know? The devil's milk. Oh, that's what Colin calls Bailey's. Colin calls Bailey's.

That's it. That's why I know it. I put a... Natalie come down from my office on a Tuesday the other day and I'd put a Bailey's in my coffee. Obviously, the other day it was weeks ago. She corrects us on stuff like that, you know what I mean? She was like, that was at the beginning

of the summer that's so conducive to the story it's so unimportant so now she listens so I'm like oh fuck I'll get this like

absolutely correct it wasn't even a Tuesday it was a Thursday oh man there's nothing what like as somebody that's good at telling stories

literally for a fucking nothing does man nothing when people go it wasn't at three o'clock it was at half past two you're like it doesn't it's not theclock it was at half past 2 you're like it doesn't

it's not the fucking bit it's so unimportant it's a minor fucking detail it's got nothing to do with the set up of the fucking punchline story ruined even if I did get it out

it's just ruined for me it's just like the story's now got a bad taste in my mouth as I'm telling it it just like it just took a blow Cara's dead good

because and this is one of the reasons why I know she loves me and it'll be the first time that she doesn't love me anymore. Do you ever have those moments when you are telling a story that you've obviously told several times before, then halfway through telling the story to your loved one, you can tell they've already heard it?

Yeah. You've told this story. The amount of times I'll tell Cara a story and two minutes I'll be like, oh, she's giving me that look weird. She doesn't know I know, but I know she's heard this. But because she loves me

and she knows how important it is for me to tell stories. She's just letting it out. She just says it. And she'll laugh at the same bit and she'll go, that's really interesting. And it's just as she reads. You'll only catch on because then she'll she'll like guess a bit that she couldn't

possibly guess and you're like oh I must have told it yep yep there's been other times when I've been at like parties

and I'll be telling a fucking story because we're all fucking drinking and people are just slowly like sort of tune out and then it's just you

the only person that's left listening to your little story is your missus and you're like alright well. Just hanging on to it just to keep you going, just to keep you motivated. He needs this, he likes telling stories it makes him feel good. He's fine tuning it you know, he's getting it right on me so he can tell

at his parties. I'm his wet stone. He's giving it a bit of a shine. They say you can't polish a turd but I've watched him polish this one for fucking weeks now. It's really shiny and he's about to feed it to everybody that'll listen. So Natalie came down

midday on a Tuesday a couple of weeks back, maybe months. Like can you... Ballpark, ballpark, like noon spring. Right. What was she wearing? I had poured a little Baileys into me coffee

and she's just like you're just like a lush housewife just like and not like in the jolly term of lush

what's the jolly term for lush like gorgeous like lush you're a foot in lush mate you're a foot in lush you made

because I'm lush we gash you're a lush housewife you're a lush gash I'd love to push she wasn't calm and mush we cock into sorry

that's alright I like this I was missing Linda Linda so she was just saying I was a lush housewife just cutting up

cutting up with the sub-abes sub-abia what we called it the last podcast I bail it in the last podcast. Bailey's in the afternoon. Any coffee, though? Don't.

Instead of milk. I mean, do you think that would hold up at a court of law? What do you mean? Right, I mean. Do you know how I got lit up like a Christmas tree by the fucking jury? In a court of law once, because of what I was drinking. What? No, but when were you in court? I was in court.

Well, I mean, obviously you were in court. I don't know what for. I wasn't. I was a witness. But I need you to understand, I'm not surprised that you were in court. That makes absolute sense to me. I was a witness.

Aye. To your own crime. Then me brother got glassed. Aye. And then... So me brother got glassed, right? And, so my brother got glassed, right? And then I fucking ran home and got a knife.

Oh, okay. And ran back to the pub and I couldn't do a lockdown and I couldn't get in the fire door while I was wielding the kitchen knife. Oh, don't. Can we go back to an earlier part in the story, please? My knife nearly took a fucking drastic turn for the worst when I was 18.

Right. Like, like that would have been fucking bad if I'd fucking followed through on that drunken plan. Yeah, to stab someone

who blasted. To stab somebody who smashed me brother in the heat with a paint glass. Oh, right. So you were in a pub. I had.

Why did the glass gap? What had he done? Because we're in a pub in Blythe. Oh, right. Fair enough. Right. Shit guns down.

Yeah, next part of the story. I think, you know, it was a long, long time at Gann, right? Like, 20 years. It was more than half my life ago, right? And we're out with our lasses. It was me, Gav and Sean, and we're girlfriends at the time, right? And it was basically just, like, fucking any time any of the girls were separated, the lads were, like, trying to chat them up or whatever.

And I think, like, they just got Macy because we were with them aye so like we didn't start anything but I've got glassed in the heat without throwing any punches without like we didn't hit anybody it was fucking glassed

it got dispersed and you were like I'm gonna go home and get a what kind of knife it was like a cheese knife with curls up at the end how old are you here?

I think I was old enough to drink Which meant my girlfriend wasn't She looked older Oh yeah well Your honour the court rests But it was like It was New Year And it was the local pub

So mebbies weren't old enough to drink because we weren't taking any risks of being able to like get home if we didn't get served kind of and there wasn't like i'm not i don't condone this type of violence but there was no other near weapon you were like i've got to i know just the knife i know it was i can't use any of the glasses on the floor here i'm in a pub that serves food there's definitely a knife somewhere who's supposed to just run the corner there was this silver tray of knives that were on the top of the fridge

that you bring over I'm going to use one of mum's good knives the sharp ones you know what I think I've suppressed this memory because I don't think I've spoke about it this day I can see why I don't think I've spoke about it this this day i can see why i don't think i've spoke about this day this went from me having a baileys in the house to like i was trying to stab a cunt in life sometimes i forget just because of like the steps that you've made in

recent years i'm fucking working class you really are you know when you're fucking like 18 years old you're angry at life because fucking everything's shit right and you're fucking you're fucking like 18 years old you're angry at life because fucking everything's shit right and you're fucking you're poor as fuck and like there's no opportunity and then somebody this is a rhetorical question you're not actually asking me this and you're trying to make the most of it you know you've got your dolly birds out for a pint on you yeah and then you see someone fucking smash a pint glass across your brother's fucking scalp. Something switches in your head, right? And like, it's fucking, it is bollocks,

because I would probably still be in fucking jail now if I went through with that, right? I would probably fucking, maybe, and if I'm out, I'm a different human being to the one that's sat in front of you now. We certainly wouldn't have a podcast. Nah, nah. And I would be a lot less jovial about this story. Yeah, this story would be coming up on a different podcast, like some sort of BBC Radio Sounds one,

where it's like we talk to ex-offenders who have come out and are reintegrating into society about their stories and their crimes. Aye, but it was like that fucking... Do you reckon you would have been in prison with Adam Johnson? You starstruck. Aye, but it was like that fucking... Do you reckon you would have shared a prison with Adam Johnson? You starstruck. Oh, I didn't get the button, mate.

I didn't get the button, mate. You've got an I like Adam Johnson button. Now I do too. Yes! There it is. We've got welcome to the I like Adam Johnson podcast. Imagine we put all of this effort into rebrand and redo the podcast and we're just like, it's called the I Love Adam Johnson podcast.

It's not called that. It'll never be called that. Adam Johnson's a horrible person and may he rot in prison and then hell. But I was nearly like 10 years into my fucking sentence giving him my pocket as he come into jail. Like, oh, come on, new fish. You as he comes into jail like oh come on new fish you fucking mackerel come on fucking new fish Adam Johnson you're my bitch now

aye so anyway fucking now where would I have had the fucking bottle of Danny from fucking who knows right yeah you just had that fucking saw red but a saw red right and then fucking anyway like police turned up

and fucking statements were taken and all that right just you with a G-snipe in your back pocket I'm just like yeah no

got a stick for the dog hand behind my back it's not there I'm just gonna hit you back oh this is my back scratcher it's fucking agony it's really like don't we go on it gets the itch it gets in there deep no no it's a different word's really like don't get on it gets the

itch it gets in there deep no no it's a different wordplay like when you say scratch on your

back I mean like glasses when the day is scratch marks do me back you want to itch it

you all think the back itch has I'm fucking I'm getting this I'm trying to pick scabs back there I

reckon there's a mole and I'm trying to scratch this motherfucker off so that's not what you do with moles by the way no don't try this at home scabs back there. I reckon there's a mole and I'm trying to scratch this motherfucker off. That's not what you do with moles, by the way. Don't try this at home. Don't.

So, like, anyway, I fucking, Gav ended up taking Matthew Canning, he was called, the court. He'll use his name, whatever. Man, I swear to God god do you earlier on in this episode

you're like I guess I just don't respect people's privacy absolutely you don't he classed me brother ages you tried to stab the guy

ages ago alright I see so aye em we'll all hit the gun pick him from a line up oh aye so aye erm we'll all hit the gun

pick him from a line up oh aye and everybody else got it he was the one without a pint glass he is

that's him as you can tell well he smashed it didn't he so he'll be the one without it

all those ones have got it so he can't be there yeah his must be broken everybody else picked the right person all right

except for bong akai right listen i did one on bong akai wait wait this is why you couldn't

pick him out in a fucking lineup and you were gonna stab the cunt so you were just gonna be fucking going

into the pub stabbing willy nilly who lives in blythe she sells cigarettes she does she does back eros to tenerife Stop in willy-nilly. Who lives in Blythe. She sells cigarettes. She does back roads to Tenerife.

I can't get willy-nilly by accident. Oh, I can't believe you. All right, sorry, continue. So I fucking write, like time had elapsed like I'm bong eyed but not only that I've got aphantasia I cannot hold the fucking visual image of someone in my head like the rest of the people

nah this was a condition at the time right but like I just stood in front of this fucking glass that I'm guessing they couldn't see through and just did the dip because I couldn't fucking tell and just did the dip because I couldn't fucking tell I just said I whatever

wait I just done the fucking I didn't know you didn't even say like I don't know I'm bong eye and I was drunk and I don't recognise

you were like definitely that innocent man there I wanted you were horrible I thought I thought it was him no you didn't

you were you were like it's going to be too embarrassing in fact if I don't know one you're a horrible person I thought it was him no you didn't you admitted that you were like it's going to be too embarrassing if I don't know who clashed my brother especially considering I had a vendetta

against the country you're like I am I mean look I couldn't I couldn't I just I just took a punt

in the court of law I just guessed I thought Look it's one of them And we're in Blythe So even the other four Have probably done something They're going to get caught

At some point Why else did they sign up For this sort of thing Hayden in plain sight If you ask me Yeah that is a question Right People on the line up

This is Who are the other guys Who are the other guys? Who are the other guys? Are they like other... Because I've never been asked to be on a line-up as an innocent, right? And I look like other criminals. I've built a profile. Do you reckon it's like you're an up-and-coming actor

and you're an agent for a job? And maybe extra work. I've got your job. What is it is it is it is it TV no no but it's

it's police related the bill look at me in the bill kind of like the bill yeah kind of no cameras but yeah you kind of look like a guy

that glass someone on New Year's so we've got you in as like a bit of a stunt double stunt double what did you say is that a what huh

yeah you may look look depending on how absolutely retarded the people are at the other side of the glass, you may get accused of a crime. You may get accused of a crime, but maybe he's not. Probably not. I'm not actually sure what happens if you do get pointed out.

So you're pointed at an innocent man. Uh-huh. And then I'm in the box at court later on. Oh, the box, laddy-da. And I had them like opera binoculars. You know, like the binoculars on a stick. Aye. Popsicle-oculars.

Nah, that didn't scan. But I'm in the box. And I don't know what questions they weren't going to ask us they didn't fucking they didn't like queue you up with the questions

they didn't send you the script beforehand they didn't send you the script beforehand and all that right and like yeah everybody else might have mentioned

the bit of Buddha's gun to knock on the fucking fire door with a knife right but like I thought I'd be able to just exclude that bit I'm not up for trial here so they were going like

oh that's funny you said that you weren't doing that because we've got other testimonies saying that you have and I'm like I should really talk

to me to my girlfriend yeah because we weren't meant to discuss this in court so wait it was brought up in court that you were

were you hammering on the door with a knife and all that really oh fuck I'm getting asked all these questions

and you're like, I'm not the one who trialled. They're like, but there's loads of things. Aye. They're like, oh, you picked the wrong guy. And I was like, why am I just finding out about this new and you're not going to tell us at the time that I picked the wrong guy? I thought I nailed it because they didn't respond. Aye. So anyway,

it's not going well. I've got to turn this gig around. I'll bring out some new stuff. Then they asked a question. They went, at the point when, I'll delete his name out. No, just don't say it.

Just say Steve. Oh, stop saying his name. Steve, right? At the time when Steve, Glassy Bro, like what had you been drinking up until that point? stop saying his name. Steve, right? At the time when Steve glassed your bro-a, like, what had you been drinking up until that point?

I didn't know I was going to ask that, right? I was just fucking there, just like laughing at my hand. Can I tell them what I've been drinking? And I just,

ugh, I had, I had fucking six archers and lemonade. Oh, what? Six archers and lemonade. Oh, what? Six archers and lemonade. Hold on.

The schnapps. I'd be drinking schnapps. The fucking peach schnapps and lemonade. No, why did he glass your brother? He was probably fucking aiming for you. Peach schnapps and lemonade. That's why I didn't glass him back. It was just a little cup.

I'd been drinking snaps. And then they just went, just for the, whatever, like for the record, like, why are you laughing at that? And just in a bout of misogyny, I just went, because it's a girl's drink. I'm so surprised that during this interview they were just like can we also

arrest this guy like can we just like double this up like while look we save on petrol when this guy who's also clearly

fucking guilty is on his way to jail can we just send them in the same car send them to the same one

whatever Adam Jones can end up. But it was, the jury laughed. They laughed when I said it was a girl's drink because it was like early thousands.

It was maybe like 2001 and it wasn't the millennium so I think it was after that. It would have been like the new year, 2001. You know, it had been a fucking bad year for everybody.

You know, for me and the criminal. I mean, both of us criminals, whatever. However you want to spin it so I fucking he got off

is what I'm trying to say he got off with glassing my brother because of me oh man it's absolutely astonishing that somebody classed your brother because your brother

had a girlfriend that they fancied and you just come out so much worse like I don't know how because normally you're the type of person that falls into shit and comes out smelling of roses but in this incident somebody bought you flowers

and you put your thumb in your mouth and shat your fucking pants if that's how you want to look at it I look at it like I had my first gig and got a taste for the crowds I made the jury laugh with sex just explain your first five years of material and I am a shit out of me soul

being great sexism you didn't have that oh man but Garth got us back like he got he got a he got a bouncer off the hook

for kicking the shit out of me can you mind that in a nutshell in a nutshell this is what happened right we've been to the

Bolton game this is 2012 we've told the story on the podcast we have I'll do it in a nutshell in a nutshell this is what happened right we've been to the Bolton game this is 2012 we've told the story on the podcast we have I'll do it in a nutshell in and out you went to a pub

afterwards one of your friends was passed out there but just passed out at the table Dorman took Umbridge to it tried to throw you out you end up in a big

massive fight where you end up so he tried to throw Brucey out Brucey was asleep didn't know where he was and I was just like I was pretty sentient.

I just went, two minutes mate, we've got a taxi booked. It's coming to pick me up any minute. I'll look after him. And then he turned around and started chucking me out

like hands on, chucking me out. And I didn't think he realised this when he was chucking us out but the bar was, consisted only of my friends. I was out with about 12 people,

right? And it became a fucking western because he he was throwing me out and i put my hands on the door frame and he was trying to wrench us off the door frame and then he started punching us in the back of the heed i ended up like headlocking with this guy i need him in the face at one point and fucking put one of his t-suit this doorman right and we're fucking ended up like all the other doormen come in and bat at me pals and we get fucking ragdolled doing the fucking back it's just one where they basically put you down and tried to curb stop you to death

so that was one event I was just getting kicked out of the pub the second event was we've collected our forts we've dusted our sardine

we've like no one's got anything broken but we're like bust up a little bit right and eh the next thing you know I'll the fucking Dormin from the area

come round and make a circle around us. Like a fucking dog fight. Aye. Turn you into soggy biscuit. This guy with a fucking bloody mouth and his shirt tail hanging out and all that just come and kicked the fuck out of me. Aye. Like kicking us in the face and all that.

I'd been in a tumble dryer. You know what, right? So I went to the jury. I didn't go to the jury. I'm fucking obsessed. I went there. Police with a solicitor. They got through everything that's happened, right?

And they were like, we've got the footage and the show does the footage. And I watched myself get kicked the fuck, right? And I watched myself just bounce straight back up to my feet. I was so proud. And then they were like, this is a revenge attack. Whatever happened in the bar, whatever blame you've got in the bar, his jurisdiction's fucked. Aye.

Because you're over the road and you're getting attacked on a separate occasion. The guy's done, right? But he's saying his colleague will drop the charges on your brother if you drop the charges on him. Like, it's this fucking truce kind of fucking thing, right? Just by the fact that your one was a murder

attempt on you I was like what was me brother's thing right and me brother in 2012 I don't know

if you've fucking seen what he looked like then but he was on fucking steads he was

fucking 70 stone he was an Adonis a literal Adonis massive right

he chucked one of the doorman out of his own bar and said, don't come back, you're bored. And it was written down as the statement from the doorman

that got thrown out of his own bar. And they were like, well, if you drop the charges on this guy, he'll drop the charges on your brother. I own one. Find out that your fucking brother was drinking Baileys and ice cream. brother aye I owe him one I found out that your fucking brother was drinking

Baileys and ice cream aye why are you laughing Gavin it's just it's a Christmas drink innit jury laugh

oh dear me aye I've never been in a fight nah nah never once not even once I have you were like you were in a fight nah nah never once not even once I have you were like

you were in a fight that I took away from you that time in Edinburgh yeah but at no point did I participate in that fight I just got headbutted nah you headbutted you

aye it's funny aye before I joined in I just like finished me popcorn a little watch I do hope he's dead

aye probably fingers crossed aye he looked like he would have been high risk during the pandemic me popcorn. A little watch. I do hope he's dead. Probably. Fingers crossed. He looked like he would have been high risk during the pandemic. Just a big, ugly ginger cunt. I mean, I knew why he was angry. I'd be angry if I looked like that. There's no way I was the first person to point out that he wasn't attractive.

It was probably a trigger point for him. That's probably why he headbutted me. But he was. He was homophobic me but he was he was homophobic in my defence he was homophobic in your defence he was in your defence

he was homophobic yes I bet yeah I called us gay and then I gave him a lecture on how I wouldn't mind

if I was gay and that I'd rather be gay than spend a second looking like him and I don't think he appreciated the lecture no so he headbutted me and then my boyfriend beating him up yeah your boyfriend and that I'd rather be gay than spend a second looking like him and I don't think he appreciated the lecture nah

so he had blacked me and then my boyfriend beating him up yeah your boyfriend joined in like you made even though I was walking alongside you

and you were with Biebs you were both dressed nice and smart and Frazz Fraser was there as well wasn't he he had no reason

to believe that I was with you no you did not look like Natalie hadn't dressed you at No, you did not look like... Natalie hadn't dressed you at this point. You were still very much dressing yourself. That's true. I mean, what?

I defend that completely. Now, I don't know if everyone knows this, but obviously we've just announced the America tour, which is hopefully going ahead. Now, I don't know how many American listeners we have but I imagine

it's more than 300 but less than a thousand so you can buy tickets to the fucking shows now

and I am going to read them out I'm just gonna mainly for myself and anybody who sees this at live shows you know you're gonna get

special attention off if you're wearing any of the Slotts and Humphreys merch. I might blank you if you're wearing Team Cream, but I don't think that'll affect your life any. At that point,

you've made your decision. Oh, let's do some other shows. Gibraltar, that's not sold out yet. So if we have any listeners in Gibraltar. Also,

new territory for us. It's quite rare that we're doing new plays and we've got a couple coming up not sold out the second Athens show

is not sold out yet oh Glasgow the SEC sorry Scottish people next Saturday 28th 28th Glasgow SECC

and Edinburgh last time I'm doing this show in Edinburgh is on the day before that, the 27th at, and it's full capacity at the Festival Theatre. As for our America dates, this is October the 13th, Boston, Washington, New York, Philadelphia,

St. Louis, Atlanta, Indianapolis, Pittsburgh, Albany, Conc Concord Grand Rapids Cincinnati Ann Arbor Chicago Madison Minneapolis San Diego

Los Angeles San Francisco Portland Seattle Phoenix Denver San Antonio Austin

Dallas Houston New Orleans That is fucking exciting by the way Aye I'm so I'm so buzzed and we've been

so many people have messaged on Instagram and stuff since the two our dates have went out like oh shit i'm seeing you in boston i'm seeing you here i'm seeing you there and it's like fucking yes right but there's so part there's such a big part of us that's just been let down by everything that's been exciting like everything like the bali trip altitude getting postponed a couple of times like fucking everything that's been like even this portugal trip that we're going on was meant to be the girls coming and then because of double vaccination to can't and like there's been so many things that i'm just fucking i'll not believe it until i'm there

all right um but what i mean we're doing everything in our power to make it happen all right and to the people uh we were meant to be doing a show in florida but obviously florida you've got you know your own opinions on uh And I, fine, think what you want to think. Personally, I'm not able to. Like, I can't get sick. I can't cancel this tour. Like, daddy needs the fucking money and I just can't take the fucking risk. It was my choice, by the way.

We tried to work out with the venue, but we just couldn't get it done. But we are potentially looking into adding a Florida show. I will keep you updated on that. And we've got one show left in the fringe. I said that, Festival Theatre, 27th. Yeah, 27th. And on that day, I'm going to be doing new material

with Gareth and Ryan over at the Gilded Balloon at nine o'clock on the 27th. And even though that show is listed for three more days, I'm only on the 27th. And do you know the name of our merch website yet?

Just click on the link. That's what people do. Where? On my Twitter, my Instagram, on the Patreon. Right, okay. It's like... muggins-and-cream.spreadshirt.com Right.

Or just click on the link. Just click on the link. It's easier. Oh, Your Dads. Do you know, do you know we've got like a third tier on the podcast now

where it's called Your Dad and people have adopted and for the extra payment they get like they're our dads now. Oh. It's nice. We've also,

we're giving, I've told you this,'ve also we're giving I've told you this anyway we're giving them signed posters okay to thank them for joining and then if sustained pledges we'll send them

personalized thank you videos and they get free tickets to any live shows that we do I'm putting on live shows oh right I thought you meant like two shows

no no no people are getting that passed more later no no sorry if anyone misinterpreted that past more later. No, sorry. If anyone misinterpreted that. We're going to put on some live podcasts. Oh, right. And we'll put them on like what the Stand stream did.

So like obviously people, if we put on a show in Edinburgh, our patrons will not be able to watch them in Edinburgh if they live in whatever, Minneapolis, right? But we'll put it on a link on a stream so anybody that's on TR2 or higher I'll get like a free link to the stream just copy and have a word basically that's the plan is that what they're doing exactly actually Adam helped us out a little bit with the structure of it it's very um very knowledgeable with progressing podcasts and And altruistic. He's not precious about it.

He doesn't mind. It's just his whole... I've really respected his whole thing. I've just been like, well, I want everyone else to have a podcast that's successful because it benefits us all if all of our podcasts are successful. Yeah, and he's like, if people guest on each other's podcast

and it sells a few tickets for your tour shows, it's great for live comedy. Aye. It's very nice of him. Yes. So now when we're talking about your dad, it's some of the listeners who have adopted Winhouse your dad knows 500 different slurs

for Eskimos name three Eskimos is one of them I think oh is it or is that just one of the fucking headlines one fucking lefty made one stupid fucking comment. It was turned into a fucking headline.

And then the right were like, you motherfuckers, look how insane you are. I love making fun of that type of format. You know, when you go, ladies and gentlemen, and boisterous men who just don't know their own size. I want to be inclusive, okay? Your dad's got cauliflower ideas from getting his head stuck in a jar of honey like Winnie the Pooh. And by Winnie the Pooh, I meant he just had a t-shirt on and no trousers.

Your dad's audition for Gogglebox was him booing players taking the knee. It's just not right! It's just not right! My dad didn't die for this Keep politics out of football Your dad says you've got his penis Well that's what he stipulated on his donut card

Your dad phoned off Colin to complain about discrimination After Blue Peter wouldn't read out his letter Last time I saw your dad he was being chased out to the butchers with his string of sausages and these teeth. Your dad fancies Shrek. Princess Fiona we call him. I said your dad's name in the mirror five times and eventually he took the

rolled up note out of my hand and had his line. Your dad's drafted Emiliano Sala in his fantasy football team this season oh way there I know it's a terrible decision I don't know how

he fucked it up so much Kev watch the news man he had one of the red marks next to his name like

100% not playing when your dad yawns he waves his arms like one of those inflatable air dancers at a car dealership

alright that's the podcast fuck off and em look keep checking in on YouTube. I'll mention it on Patreon and socials, but we might have a video to go with this one.

It'll be a bit later. Sweet. But aye. If you've listened to it new, I mean, just wasting your time because you've already heard it. Aye. But now you can see it in 4K.

Now you can see how utterly ashamed I look when I'm admitting I nearly stabbed someone when I was 18. With a fucking cheese knife. It wasn't a cheese knife. No? No. I just use it for cheese. Stop the podcast.