Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.35 Lady Burglars

Episode Date: September 1, 2021

Rattling around an unnecessarily extravagant villa in Lisbon after a weekend on the sesh Muggins and Cream question each-others waning masculinity before research the ratio of women to men on a variety of crimes.  Merch store: https://muggins-and-cream.myspreadshop.co.uk

Sloss and Humphreys on the road! Muggins and cream, cream and muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles! Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aww, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

Do you know what I'm going to do? Like a welcome? Well, as long as it's not a song. Hold on. You've got a song? Uh-oh. Because I was looking at the buttons, right? Because obviously we've got...

Linda! We've got Barry Casnola shouting Linda. And I love that. I'm a big fan of your podcast We're calling by the way I really enjoyed that It's nice as a listener I listen to it

I love this button B-b-b-boldie I like that an awful lot I think it should have been used more I like that you introduced it Now it's like Oh we're going to be enjoying this Podcast

Well I want to I want to make sure You catch him off guard with it. The thing is, it's fun and you can overuse it too early. So it's there. I probably should have used it once during the actual podcast.

But now, next time we're doing Alone With Friends, I can spring on him. But the beauty of these buttons is they light up. So I've got the red button for Linda. I've got the blue button for Baldy. And I spot there's a green button. I was like, oh, what's this green button? up so we've got the red button for Linda, we've got the blue button for Baldy and I spotted

there was a green button and I was like ooh what's this green button, I'm just setting up the podcast live here in Lisbon His girlfriend, his girlfriend his girlfriend picked his dog, picked his dog his girlfriend

picked his dog his girlfriend picked his dog his dog didn't matter but the end bit I think I must have just went oh I get the gist and took my headphones off

I feel like so you ran over my joke even when you were alone I did I I really did I just got distracted didn't listen to

boys done I've heard half of what he said I can assume the rest so yeah I feel quite attacked by that you've been on a real character assassination didn't listen to boys dad and i've heard half of what he said i can assume the rest so yeah i feel quite attacked by that um you've been on a real character character assassination of me lately i beg your pardon you have been i've not you you have been trying to um paint me as a big old wuss well you know no i don't think that's tarnishing your name. I think that's just describing you out loud in public

and, you know, pointing out your pussyhole behaviours. That's what somebody would do if they're doing a character assassination. And I'm going to call it, you're doing a rebrand of his? I feel like you've rebranded yourself. I'm just pointing out the new features. Like, I'm letting everyone at home know the Kai Humphries patch notes

like the old Kai Humphries had standards when it comes to bits new improved updated Kai Humphries does not, he's got a bit of clothes because his wife picks them for him now she also picks his I forgot to get changed, I was meant to put my merch on

oh for the video, I see we'll get to my merch in a bit oh yeah, you're in a legal battle against yourself right now do get to my merch In a bit Oh yeah You're on a legal battle Against yourself right now Do you not understand What in a bit means Oh yeah okay I know

But I'm giving them a teaser Like you know You know when you're about To watch Impractical Jokers In the practically Show you the whole show Just before the show Yeah

Where they'll go like Here's just a sequence of clips And then the clip is like Probably about 15 seconds Longer than the Bit of the show Oh right So About He has just a sequence of clips and then the clip is probably about 15 seconds longer than the bit that they're shooting. So you're also trying to rebrand yourself. You're being weirdly masculine on things

that you wouldn't be masculine about. What are you talking about? What do you mean, what am I talking about? I worked backstage at the gig last night. We'd had a heavy night on the whiskey. We'll talk about that in a bit, so don't blow your load and

I come into your dressing room and I say you don't happen to have any paracetamol there oh right that's the way the conversation

went is it that's exactly the conversation went mate do you ever have any paracetamol there and you were just like yeah bro

but I don't think I have paracetamol bro you're like I'm fucking South Park you know they're fucking principal what's he called

PC principal PC principal you're like PC principal as if like what am I carrying you're a little sticky plaster so interesting

to see the world through your eyes you are so macho about this about paracetamol you're so macho about this. About Paracetamol. You are so macho about Paracetamol. I was like, it would just be prudent

to take medication on tour for... I know, I agree with you. It would be... It's a smart thing. Like, I get heartburn a lot of the time and indigestion, so it's wise for me to take Rennies around with me everywhere.

That was another one, right? We're getting drunk tonight because we're on holiday and we're on tour. We're not on holiday, we're on tour. If the girls listen to this and they hear us saying we're on holiday, we're in trouble.

We are at work. We are at work and they couldn't come. Who's the coward now? Who's the pussy whip bitch now? No, I'm just saying we're not on holiday. This is work. We're doing a podcast. So...

And it's like Pulling teeth I So You had mentioned That you sometimes Get heartburn And you'd like to pick up Some heartburn medication

Like this is like On the side After your Matril Tantrum Matril tantrum About having Paracetamol right

And then I said Oh because we're Going to get at the Pastry shop And we just have And we picked up Some pastries

For In between the gigs And I'm like Well I'm probably Going to be drinking Wine tonight I said Oh because we're going To get at the pastry shop And we just have And we picked up some pastries For In between the gigs And I'm like Well I'm probably going to be Drinking wine tonight And if I'm having pastries I'm going to get hot bit This isn't really

Any of the conversation We had But can I I mean that wasn't A conversation That was like That was my train of thought It's like oh let's go

And pick up some pastries For the interval And I'm like I'm the interval Where I'm drinking wine And whiskey And booze and that Like a legend

And then And then you were just like what did he get hot burn off pastry and for the podcast I'm toning down the homophobia the spin doctor is out in force today are you not dizzy are you not dizzy it's this fucking Tasmanian devil Jesus Christ did you pick up those victim hood shoes from Melbourne, did you? When was the last time you were there? What do you mean, victim? I'm saying what you're like. I'm not saying that you're... I'm just saying you're being super macho about things that you wouldn't be macho about.

Right. It's displaced behaviour. You're insecure about your own masculinity, so you're hamming it up. No. You are clearly getting more sensitive because you have a dog with anxiety and and and and you know when owners start to look like they're dogs you're starting to pick up the characteristics of your dog which is you're getting anxious you're on high alert and you haven't even picked up my girl yet so how would that happen so what actually

happened i was i was in the dressing room reading my book and you came in very sort of smugly with a, you didn't forget to bring paracetamol with you, did you? That's not what I said! It is what happened! You're lying! I'm not! I take these headphones off to make it look like I'm being serious. You're fucking lying. You were like,

Did you pick up the paracetamol? That's not what I said! Like as if we had like a little itinerary of list of things to bring. Exactly! And that's why I was like, what are you talking about? As if we just, as if it was a standard thing.

If we brought along fair enough to go to your very paracetamol and I would agree I would be being a toxic male if I was like, oh, you want some painkillers, you fucking pussy.

That's toxic masculinity. I don't even get a hangover. No, she just went, you didn't forget your paracetamol dish. You're not going to drink them with water, are you? You not going to drink them with water are you you're not drinking

them with vodka are you like a man and then we were having this exact same argument at lunch and you were like and you were like

it's absolutely normal things to bring medicine with you all day I'm like absolutely I agree with you I wish I'd brought some Gaviscon with me

because last night I was drinking whiskey and smoking a lot of weed it wasn't off pastries though so you're a man. No, and you went, you're the one that gets heartburn off of pastries, right? That is what happened. That is what happened!

That is what happened. It is! You fucking, you're the one that gets heartburn off of pastries. I'm like, the fuck are you talking about? Pastries? I just told you it was whiskey and weed. And you're like, is that a donut? I thought it was off the fatty snacks

No, no So there's that, right? You're painting yourself into this corner As a big butch dude That's what you're doing, right? You're a big butch dude, we get it Alright, I'm picking up what you're putting down now I just feel like

What you're trying to do now Is you're trying to lower the bar Of what manliness is so that when you get your dog you're still closer to it you're trying to bring everyone else's

you're oh you're being a toxic man no I'm not I'm being who I always was and if I was being a toxic man and you were to point a correct bit

at that behaviour I'd probably work on it so on top of this couple of things you really like made a big deal last night of me prancing out the way of a sprinkler.

And saying, ooh, no, I'm going to get wet off the sprinkler. That's not what you said. And you really made quite a big deal out of that. That's not what you said. We were standing out by the presidential pool. Oh, let's talk about the villa we're in. We are staying in... We got this so wrong.

We were meant to be here... It was meant to be a holiday, even though we're working. We're meant to be doing one gig a night. Yeah. At like nine o'clock at night. Five, yeah, five, six days in a row in Lisbon. And we were going to obviously bring over Cara and Natalie. And we're also putting the we'll put the

feelers out for the pinstripe to come for Matty and Amir so like if the girls wake up with bruises on their boobs it's just like a big who did it

and Matty's just stood there like the man dressed as a hot dog somebody's got some explaining to do so Matty the

pinstripe is going to come with Amir Natalie and Cara were coming but then obviously Cara now Cara would like me to point out in the podcast that it's all my fault and that I'm the big bastard So Marty the Pincers is going to come with Amir. Natalie and Cara will come in. But then obviously Cara... Now, Cara would like me to point out in the podcast

that it's all my fault and that I'm the big bastard. You did give her the disease that is killing everybody. Look, no, no. This idea of blaming people for who gave who COVID. Like, if you got COVID and you go to, like, a football stadium, fair enough, everyone there is allowed to be like, you gave me COVID. But when... You tried to kill

Look you tried to kill Colin which we respect Aye Aye B-b-b-baldy Which we respect that right Aye But you literally

Like took your wife Out of the crossfire Aye Collateral damage I got Cara got sick Got COVID Well we had to isolate

At the same time So cara wasn't able to go get her first jag and because she didn't get her first jag and she couldn't get a second after six weeks six weeks was like less than two weeks before the trip all right so it just didn't work out she couldn't come and then natalie out of solidarity which is really regretting now she loves she loves cara and she's like i can't go without cara that's not fair on cara and then we sent out some pictures of food and she was like i should have just threw cara another bus i thought cara who that so she's on a flight right now that's trumpet the sloths have been with for four years now i don't see it lasting um so yeah so and it's so we're just bouncing around this big villa

That has a reading room If anybody's watching this podcast On the HD video When we were filling out the passenger locator form And they were like What's your place of address I think the first clue When I was writing out Casa do Presidente

I was like That's an interesting name for a hotel Like I don't speak much Portuguese Presidente. I was like, that's an interesting name for a hotel. Like, I don't speak much Portuguese-y. Presidente sounds pretty... I reckon that's the president. It's regal, isn't it? Yeah, I reckon that's somebody in charge of some shit. Call me old Sherlock Holmes, but that's...

Casa... Castle. It means castle. Words, actually. It just means... It means house, doesn't it? House, I think. I... Because in Love Island, there's... Su casa. Castle. It means castle. Words actually. It just means. It means house, doesn't it? House, I think. Aye.

Because in Love Island, there's Casa Amor, which is like love. Amor means love. Love. House of love. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Aye. I mean, it's all shit.

Anyway. And it turns out this is, we are staying in the old mayor's house. And there's pictures of him and stuff. There's framed gold-plated beetles. Some ornate candlesticks. Behind us, we've got a big glass-fronted library case of old books. There's nice pictures everywhere. I think he was a good mayor.

We don't know much about him yet. But anyway, it's a big, lovely house. If you're watching the video, we'll be taking some footage of it, and you can see it's fucking ridiculous. Like, we do feel like ballers, and then feeling like ballers is immediately followed by feeling like assholes. We're both just out by the pool. There's just this melancholy sadness about it.

We were both sat on the swings last night. Because there's, like, the mayor's grandchild swing sets out the back in the dark and shady woods well I don't imagine the kid goes out on it at night time with the electric fence

near it we don't know it's electric because somebody didn't have the balls to check yeah well I wasn't I was high

right and drunk and feeling silly a little bit loosey goosey you were like oh look at that generator

and they've tried to disguise it with, like, plants and stuff. This is a generator. I was like, why is a generator, like, so far outside? And then I saw the fence with Bob Weir and you were like, oh, I think it's powering the fence. I think that's an electric fence.

And you were like, go and try it. Aye. It's not going to be a fatal fucking electric fence. Like, it's not. The president doesn't live here now. They're not trying to kill people. Right next to his kid's swing set.

Aye. They're just going to... And I don't think it is electric I think that's just the electricity box go out and check we'll film it we'll film it on camera

I just didn't want to do the we'll film it on camera that'll be the pooch I didn't want to do the podcast we'll film it on camera that'll be the pooch but I'd look like one of the wet bandits while I was doing the podcast

I'd look like Marv Marv? Marv Marv Marlin's the dad in Finding Nemo Marl is the Daryl's brother

on Morgan Dead. Oh Christ, I'm having a nightmare. No, you really are. I'm having a nightmare. Oh anyway, there was a wee

macho in his car. You're not even going to touch the electric fence. Oh, here he comes. Jeez, oh. We weren't worried. We nearly broke the we nearly broke the swing set

and obviously if you break anything when you're staying up anyway you pay for it that's the right thing to do but like that would have had to be

an under the table payment why have you spent £1500 last month Daniel? what's this against the tour? oh it was just I broke the mayor of Lisbon's grandson's

so you say it was a child swing set well you know a child's a recommendation it's like like a toothbrush a tooth is just a swing set Well you know a child's recommendation it's like like a toothbrush a tooth is just a recommendation you can brush anything with it really Yeah it's like a jigsaw

that says age is six and up that's it's up it's I am upward of It's a minimum age of it Yeah There might be a

weight and height limit and if you want to bring those up I'll happily go but it's seemingly just an age thing And the reason we were up in the swings was because we were originally Because drugs are decriminalised in Portugal

Yes right So you can get cocaine in Portugal If you want Not that we know Not illegal I think it's probably illegal to sell it at the shop You probably won't get it at Asda Whatever the Portuguese Asda is

But it's not illegal right but menthol cigarettes are tapasda thanks man nice kind of took me a while it was posting in yeah so what i was saying is like um they've decriminalized all drugs i think you can take heroin grand to fine with it which by the way you bottled doing that last night putting jabbing it directly in your arm give me some heroin i'll give it which by the way you bottled doing that last night jabbing it directly in your arm get me some heroin I'll give it a go girls aren't here

those are off but I men fill cigarettes that's the problem well we were out having a joy down by the pool

and I just kept hearing like and I'm like fuck snakes or some shit and then you just go you see water going

and you're like oh it's obviously the fucking sprinklers but it just seemed that everywhere we would stand those sprinklers would warn us

they never got us but they were always just giving off the early warnings of yeah where they start pumping air before the water gets into the

like doing the equivalent of like tapping the back of your partner's head before you're about to come like just it was doing a courtesy the garden was doing us a favour

it was like look you're about to get sprayed and I feel it was ample warning what i don't think it warranted was sprinting up the stairs going oh no we're gonna get sprinkled that's the only bit i was laughing at and there was no homophobia involved. Any perceived homophobia is you projecting because clearly you saw how you were running. I just thought it was very, very funny that you sprinted up the stairs and genuinely, legitimately said the sentence,

oh no, we're going to get sprinkled. I'd never heard sprinkled in that tense before. Yeah, never heard that. And you know what I really, I really hate about myself is my natural disposition is that, you know,

if I can measure a response, right, it's, it's a hard man response. It's a one of bravery. Yeah. Right. If I can just get between

stimulation and reaction, if I can step between that, my stoic response is always I want to be proud of. Right. But if I don't get between stimulus and reaction i react like a little bitch it was that time all the time that's my favorite thing in the world we were out in hawaii i'm sure we've told this story on the podcast but one of the ziplines

let's do it again um we uh we're doing the ziplines through the mountains where they like film Jurassic Park and Skull Island and just anything where it's like prehistoric set that's where the set is most of the

rocks movies have been filmed there yeah like Jumanji and fucking Journey to the Centre of the Earth

and we're doing like a walk and trail bit just to get up to one of the first ziplines and the guides

the guides were constantly laying it down like be careful because there is wild animals here there's like a lot of boar so just keep your eyes out

yeah and just stick to the path and we're on this particular path we're just planting that seed as we travel and he's like oh well this is definitely the boar

area and then one of the guys goes down and comes back and he goes, this is the area where the mum's there with a couple of her kids who'd just be on the lookout. And he goes, I'll go ahead just to make sure she's not doing anything. And we walked for maybe a minute, two minutes more.

And then the same two guys who'd, you know, hinted at this happening the entire time, projected it, telegraphed it, some would say. He disappeared for several seconds. And then jumped out of a bush, and you threw your wife in front of you and the perceived boar. That's not entirely true. It was right.

I jumped behind a brother. I jumped behind a more solid defence oh I just didn't you know just in case the boar came out but he made a really good boar

noise did he it was like so realistic that I thought like ooh if we're getting

attacked by boars I better save myself until last because I'm going to be the one fighting to the death at the end I don't even know how to spin this

I can't even I've got a nice spin happened spin this I can't get out of it I've got an A spin happened three years ago can't spin it and he's been working on it ever since he really tries he's got an entire

bat cave where every time he fucks up he goes down into it to work out how he can spin the story of him not being

the wanker or the loser in it it's a very scientific approach so there's that one there's the oh I'm going to get Sprint off. There's that prance off up the stairs.

And then there was also the time when the door swung open and we thought it was a flatmate and we lived in London. Do you know about this? The door that I accidentally spoke to once because I thought it was Natalie complaining. It's just a very creaky door

and you open it up and it just goes it's fucking like three in the morning I don't even think we were drunk mate I think we'd driven back from a gig

like alright give us that one at least oh he's like that's just changing bits of stories that don't matter if anyone was drunk

it would have been me you would have been driving so we get back and the creaky door just goes this is three in the morning and you were like sorry baby sorry to wake you it's just us it's just us

like that's not your wife Jesus how unhealthy is your relationship that just something I love you too baby every time somebody's out the back That just something... I love you too, baby. Every time somebody's out the backyard, like a couple of cats get into a fight in a back alley,

you're like, I'm coming, honey. It's okay, dinner's almost ready. Don't get cranky. Poached eggs it is. So I'm sat with Natalie and I heard the creak of the door, which I knew wasn't Natalie because she was sat next to us I was like

you're not throwing your voice are you and I was like oh it'll just be the door it'll be a cat coming back and then we're like cat's on holiday it turns out what had happened right

is the door had just been put like it hadn't been shut properly and it's strongest of wind like because we had the balcony door open just swung the door open and it made a clatter

it just sounded like someone was busting into the house and granted right i did move towards the noise i didn't like dive behind the couch or anything like that but i shouted at the intruder we're not expecting anybody we're not expecting anyone this is a this is a break in social protocol here this is against social norms you should have text first you should have

called ahead unannounced unannounced isn't cool what did you expect like the the burglar or the murderer

to be like oh fuck so okay can I schedule in one o'clock tomorrow morning is that is that

can I murder you then yeah when will you not be in yeah what's the best time so Natalie shortly behind us grabbed the nearest blunt object

that I could use on the intruder and put it in my hand and I continued approaching the perceived intruder with the bottle of Prosecco

she handed me I don't expect anyone but but I just so happen to be ready Is that a little Top up sir? A little nipple Before you're troubled

Oh god I got all my words mixed up there You take all my tech and I'll pull these Yep Yes you can have her underwear No I don't I know what for Reckon they do that burglars? Burglars Sniff undies

Well that That Let's just say men Because it's probably men I think it's very sexist I think women Women burgle I think less women burgle

I think like So disproportionately less Like what I think like less than 1% of burglaries are women. No way. I think for every 100 burglaries... You know what, right? I reckon, like, you could lower

the number if there's, like, women involved, but they're, like, keeping toot. Alright, Nish Kumar, Jesus. Alright, Nish Kumar, keeping very lefty and feminist. I think less than 1% of burglaries are done by women. I genuinely think that's... I'll Google it.

Are you going to Google it? I'm going to Google how many women. But yes, I think they're like, their moral standards are already low. So if they would get off on sniffing knickers, they're not going to respect your privacy. You know, they're like, that can't be a line in the sand.

You can't be morally okay with breaking and entering and taking someone's stuff, right? But then have a moral high horse about perversions. Well, well, well. Oh, no way. Oh, God, I've got all the stats here. Jesus. Is this UK stats? Global stats?

That's an excellent question. This is United States and this is 2012. Okay, this is A. It's A study. So, we've got murder and non non-negligent manslaughter. So, I think that's obviously intentional manslaughter.

Percentage of males? 88.7%. That's on murders. Yeah, and 11.3% of females. Rape is 99.1% men. That's unsurprising. Robbery, 87% men. Okay, that's less than I thought. Where are we closest?

Larceny theft. What's larceny again? I feel like larceny sounds like slashing someone. Is it knife crime? It's absolutely not knife crime, is it? It's like stealing a car. What is larceny? God, we're so stupid.

Larceny is a crime involving the unlawful taking or theft of the personal property of another person or business. Oh, smart bitches. So stealing a business. So, you know... Intellectual property theft. So, you know, like the merch that were made for you. Yeah. Is that larceny because we didn't get your permission?

Oh, yeah. So let's talk about that. Daniel has merch. Well, we tried having merch. I think some people have already ordered them, so I wonder if they've been sent, and you've got a small percentage of people who've got the only Team Cream merch that's ever in existence.

There is one crime that women do more than men. 67.7% women, 2.3 than men. 67.7% women. About 2.3% men. Is it shoplifting? No. It's prostitution. Because that's a crime in America. I feel like...

It doesn't count. That's underwhelming. That's a fucking absolute fucking technicality there. Aye. The only other one that we're truly fucking close... Oh, that's pretty fucking Absolute fucking Technicality that Aye The only other one That we're truly Fucking close Oh that's pretty

Fucking close Embezzlement Almost 50-50 And embezzlement Is the like Procuring of money Yeah yeah Hiding it

We're close in fraud That's good Forgery And counterfeit And they're pretty good At This is an interesting jump in numbers so arson violent crime which i imagine is just burning a person 80 percent men arson in violent

crime yeah is that like all one word not arson and violent so arson and there's there's two subsections of it one is violent crime and the other one is property crime. And apparently women do 37% of the property. Right. I mean, it's still all men. Boys, we are fucking... We are shite. We need to stop this. Come on now.

Some of those should be closer to 50-50. Either that or women need to up their game. Go do more murders, ladies. That's... There's your feminism. Go do more murders. You've There's your feminism Go do more murders You've earned the right We've been murdering you

For let's be honest Years and years and years And years and years And years and years Like historically All the time Across all cultures Pretty much

It'll be a burglar game as well You've already got the tights It's just because they're nicer It can't be that I think so you know No it can't be that It's got to just because they're nicer it can't be that i think so you know it can't be that no it's got to be because they're weaker no i think i just wanted to say something horrible it's not that they don't want to do it if that was the stats on who wanted to do the crimes right the women would be like 99 on all of them there it is there's the there's the elliot steel and i'm coming out this is a bit this is i don't have to put footprints around this this is a bit but

just up your game um where were we at? Your girlfriend His girlfriend His girlfriend His girlfriend picked his dog Picked his dog His girlfriend picked his dog His dog Do you agree that that should be the new intro for the podcast and the new name of the podcast?

No. No? No. You want that to be the new intro? Maybe. Just for one episode, like? For every episode that your girlfriend picked your dog. Let's do an unveiling of the dog episode where you can have that.

Great, I'm very excited. On a podcast That'll force people to subscribe to the Patreon So they can watch the video too Anyway I was ignoring you entirely While I was learning about crimes While you were trying to explain the Yes so you've got your merch

Which went out on sale You sold a handful of items And then the items just stopped selling And I was like well that had a glass ceiling didn't it Not everybody is. Team Creamer turns out. The Muggins one, still drip, drip, dripping away.

People buying the tortoise and the hare. And then I got an email of Spreadshirt, sweatshop, and it said that it's a breach of community guidelines

and I was like, oh no, not his middle finger. Aye, that would have been the fucking worst. I can't be in business with a company that denies a fucking image because the middle finger is up. Aye. Oh, gross.

Grow up. Aye. Right, so I opened the email and figured, what's that? Your religion is showing, just your repressed Catholicism. So I looked at the email in length, I read it and it said there was a copyright infringement and I went onto the trademark archive and typed

in Team Cream, thinking that like, because if there is a trademark on Team Cream, you're doing it how you'd have to rebrand. You can't be the other Team Cream, the one that didn't get into the copyright. I would have just changed it to like teamio creamio. Aye.

Aye, they would have flew off the shelf. Or tum crum. There's a cream team. Cream team? There's a team cream puffs. Oh, maybe that's what I'll call my followers. I'm cream, these are my cream puffs. So I was like

It must be his face Have you copyrighted Some of your images Because it was a It was a drawing God if I got those Made as like tank tops Those would sell

A lot Amongst my Gay fans I'm a team cream puff That would be nice I'd wear one I'd wear one And

We'll work on it We'll work on it And I emailed them I was just like It's a unique drawing wear one ah to wear one and we'll work on it we'll work on it and em I emailed them I was just like it's a unique drawing of my

I can't leave my business partner I've got my business to go you know what I mean Jesus alright well I just know where I stand

em so I was like it's a unique picture of my business partner em and Team Cream isn't taking in the trademarks

you can tell us what it is it was like it's a true this is like a real this is nice for Leedy that like

her artwork got like seen as a true depiction oh it was so accurate and they said that it was

I didn't have I'm very very glad that they didn't throw that at us about the logo I would have loved that that would have been fucking devastating

with your nose and your weak chin people just like we got it's just this is clearly a photo of two people

and unless we get these two very ugly men if we get them to sign a bit of paper saying this is fine

what do you mean it's drawn so I need I somehow need to get permission from you. So you're basically in a legal battle with yourself to release the image of your face. So do I just get in contact with them with a picture of my face?

I don't know. They didn't really say how to do it, but I'll just write out a form that he can sign and scan that and send it and i'll send them a little video of you just going hello it's me look it's the same one of the image hi that's my face um i consent um so i've just got a little bit of a i've got a little bit i'm kind of caught basically to try and push team cream through i wonder if you're gonna say anything homophobic during this quick it wasn't homophobic. It was misogynistic.

Oh, that was it. Yeah. Yeah. So. Because it's a girl's drink. That was very funny. Was that on the. No, it wasn't.

The extra bonus podcast was me and Colin talking shit. It was on the last Monday's podcast. Can I get a witness? So, yes, what we've got as well, we've printed it out. I can do this on the video. Anybody watching on the video? We've ordered one of Sluss and Humphries on the road logo T-shirts and we're going to sign it and make it out to whoever wins.

We'll do the draw probably on Thursday actually, but on one of the upcoming podcasts, we're doing the draw. And if you're a tier two subscriber, you get an entry into the draw. And if you're a tier three, you get two entries into the draw. And if you're tier four, you get to enter one of us. Not me, please. I'm still working on my anal health. Aye? How's it been going recently? Because that's the thing. You and me, we're good.

We talk about mental health with each other. We'll occasionally check in with each other but I do think it's important that men start talking to each other about rectal health as well I'd actually like

quite like someone to have a look at it right well that's going to have to be a doctor I thought you said you cared about my welfare I do

but I also understand the limits of not only my diagnosing skills but the limits of our friendship and it's not to stare upwards into a bloody cavern of hell.

It's not bloody. It hasn't been bloody in a little while. Why am I looking at it then? Is this like a little polyp? Oh, well. Just pop it. I think it's a pile. I think it's a pile.

I don't know. I don't know. I think it's a pile. Go do it with a... Get a mirror. I have done. FaceTime Natalie. FaceTime Natalie. I've done it.

FaceTime Natalie and leave the camera on the floor and then squat above it. I used the mirror where you flip it around and you're shaving and it magnifies so you can shave.

I popped that on the toilet seat and put my head between my legs. Kissed your ass goodbye. While I was down there. While I was down there I checked my piles and I was like, aye, that is a little bit of a, I don't there while I was down there I checked my piles and I was like aye that is a little bit of a

I don't know if I need that looked at gross should we edit this bit out no I just I don't get piles and I hopefully

never will I maybe it's just because I'm old and you're just such an aggressive violent shitter I mean there is that.

I wipe too hard. That's always the bit. And a deadlift, I did. What's that got to do with anything? Deadlifting. Deadlift hurts your arsehole. That's just straining, isn't it? Your arsehole?

I don't know, I imagine. I reckon you could prolapse your arsehole doing deadlifts if it was that way inclined. I think I'd hear about it. What on? What podcast do you listen to? First of all, if anyone... Google, can you get piles deadlifting?

Aye, that's a funny one. Like, you know, if anybody had like a... Oh, did I ever tell you about my friend at the sports centre who checked me cock? If you're lifting... When you're lifting a piece of heavy furniture or lifting weights, lifting too much weight can lead to a common condition called haemorrhoids.

Haemorrhoids are enlarged veins in the anus or lower rectum and can be made worse by frequent heavy lifting or holding your breath when lifting heavy objects. So can we all agree that I'm suffering here because I'm hench? Sure. Thanks, man, thanks.

I needed that. I really needed that. I'm really trying to build back up my portfolio of being a real man and what it is. Don't you drive an automatic now? No, I do not. I was just making sure. You do. No, I don't. You don't on an automatic now? No, I do not. I was just making sure. You do.

No, I don't. You don't on a technicality. No, I don't. You don't because it doesn't have a gearbox. Because it's no gears. That's like going, oh, my bike doesn't have any gears and then you pull up on your big wheel

and you're just pedalling the wheel. No, no. It would be like that with a fucking tram. It's just, I drive a Tesla, there's no gears. It's an electric car. It just speeds up and slows down. You drive a tram. I drive a Tesla there's no gears it's an electric car it just speeds up and slows down you drive a tram

I drive a tram that was spinning off from something else that I wanted to stay on but it's gone isn't it I don't want to stay on the piles for any longer no

well I mean that's kind of what they are inherently you're not close enough to your mic why because it noise gated you out

no no I don't it thought you were ambient noise and cut you so we have had a fucking mental weekend

because on Friday night Friday night we had the Fringe which was so we'd done our last day of the Fringe

so at the Edinburgh Festival Theatre at the Edinburgh Festival Theatre massive gig Friday night we had the Fringe which was so we'd done our last day of the Fringe so at the Edinburgh Festival Theatre at the Edinburgh Festival Theatre massive gig and then I went and done my last show with Baldi

and Gareth Waugh and we'd done our new material and I signed off that and then we went to Glasgow and done two shows recording a special

in the Hydro in the armadillo in Glasgow which is a fucking mint venue quite iconic yeah and um Capaldi came again big biggest fan Lewis and uh you want I want to get him on the podcast he'd be fucking so good on the podcast I think he would but it's definitely that time when we're actually at home for a bit it's like trying to schedule when like everyone's touring like ideally it would have been done

during lockdown when we couldn't have seen each other let's try and get him on the podcast and let's just try and get him cancelled because like his

boundary his standards for getting cancelled will be way lower than ours uh huh yeah because like because of the stuff

that I've spoken about on stage and been very open with my entire life in regards to like fucking it's like yeah if you because of the stuff that i've spoken about on stage and been very open with my entire life in regards to like fucking it's like yeah if you went on the one show there's enough in the back catalogue of things you've said that would get you cancelled off the one show like you you kind of get cancelled from your platform for anything you've said right but you can't get cancelled off like certain platforms that demand a higher level of decorum it's also because like we've so we've got

our fan base now that very much knows what we do and to expect whereas lewis's fan base is much much wider than ours yeah it goes up to 100 year old woman down to three year old children and that's a lot more sensibilities across the board enough these people are like just like fans of everything he does and wants to see everything he's done every interview every youtube video more sensibilities across the board but now these people are like just like fans of everything he does and wants to see everything he's done every interview

every YouTube video like and then they're like oh he's done this podcast it's behind a paywall let's pay £3 and this this poor

innocent people that aren't about this life just subscribe to like 80 hours of fucking tripe aye absolute fucking garbage

only the truly mental would pay for it Just take them further And further away from God Speaking of Subscribe to our fucking Patreon These fucking pieces of shit I'll kill you dead

Who was that? None of us spoke None of the house must be haunted Haunted by the last person Who didn't subscribe to Patreon Yeah so I will Replace the podcast

For Several episodes If we can get Lewis Capaldi to sing Your Girlfriend Picked Your Dog. Have to take that. Aye, that would be fair. Have to take that hit.

So we decided that it's a big day. Like there was a lot going on. Camera crews running around, fucking the staff for a massive gig like that. It's a big operation. There's like the crew room's just got loads of pizzas in

because everyone's fucking working all day on the operation and we're just like we've just got the performance to think about so we're like we're having a drink

aren't we and we managed to finish a bottle of whiskey before the second show we did aye and we were mullered and having such a good time gigs were lush

and then we went back to yours and had a bowl of Rice Krispies. Yep. Had a bowl. A bowl of cream puffs. And then I ended up- We were actually talking about marijuana. A bowl for any new, nerdy listeners. It's like a pipe.

You put it in the top of the American, just call it doing a bowl. Yeah, it's just a bong in it, like a pipe. It's more like a pipe than put it in the top The Americans call it Doing a bowl Yeah It's just a bong innit Like a pipe It's more like a It's not a bowl It's more like a pipe than a bong Yeah And we watched much of the day

And laughed at Arsenal Ha ha ha Arsenal It's so good It's so so good When they do so shit It's just Like at this point

It's almost altruistic of them To like Just So consistently Make everyone else's day Do you know who's a massive at this point it's almost altruistic of them to like just so consistently make everyone else's day do you know who's a massive Arsenal fan Pinsir

and B-B-B-Baldy and Gareth Waugh and Romesh Ranganathan and Jack Whitehall and Darryl O'Brien and Alan Davies and Chris Martin

and Chris Martin not that one well maybe that one there's a disproportionate amount of people support Arsenal it's all of them

and when they haven't scored after three games and the flat bottom of the league was zero points it's just dead funny

so good they're so so shit Tom Rosenthal I think yep that's true so yeah we

watched match of the day had some more whiskey to celebrate that and then I passed out on the couch and woke up like an hour and a half later to you just like grabbing me foot, going, taxis outside.

Don't grab your foot at all. Literally, I woke up and my foot was in your mouth, right? And I was like, take me shoes off at least. That's just how I tell you the time by sucking you out of toes it is one two three

four and a half in the morning so it was 4.30 in the morning and we went to the airport oh but I did my greatest ever my favourite pastime which is getting high before you go to the airport. Oh, but I did my greatest ever, my favourite pastime,

which is getting high before you go to the airport. I love it. It's my favourite thing in the entire world. And I fucked up. You're totally fucked up. No, no, you don't even know this, but yeah, we fucked up and we're in trouble with Cara. I don't know this. No.

So literally just after we, after the three hours in the queue trying to get through Portugal customs and stuff, Cara messaged with a bunch of videos. When we left at 4.30 this morning, because we left the door open, we left Ray out until, like, 11 in the morning. So, Cara just...

Cara just... Oh, it gets worse. Cara, we have security all around the house so Kara has just footage of Ray just confused

like walking up to the door walking away over the course of six hours because nobody was there packing their bags oh where was like surely she noticed at breakfast

because I'd because I'd woken her up when I was sort of getting up and because she's got meat. And had you put out breakfast? Well, I think she'd assumed that.

So you put out breakfast and locked out your cat. There it is. Psych. Yeah. And Ray's, look, obviously cats are designed to be outdoors, but Ray's not an outdoor cat at all. She goes outdoors, but for the first 10 years of her life, she was locked in one room in a house.

This wasn't us, by the way. This was the previous owner. She was a breeding cat. So she can go outside, and she does go into the garden and explore. She's not an outdoor cat. She's not designed for it. She does seem like she's got the coat for being outdoors. Aye, but not the brain.

And it wasn't the worst day to be locked out. No, but when she came back in, apparently she had like fucking all those horrible like sticky leaves on her and stuff and she was eating her toe beans and... Aye. Cara wasn't best of press. Get a dog, man.

Get one with anxiety. One that if you leave it outside, it'll get picked up by a seagull and swallowed whole. Is that an actual worry, do you think? In fucking, in America, right? You know Catherine? Yes. Like, so, not with her dog,

because she's got a fucking, basically a mental staffie, but all of her other friends have got really small... Is this Catherine who I've known for years and I just found out yesterday she was the daughter of Seth from the OC? Yes, aye. That's amazing.

I had no idea. I've seen hang out with Anne Elaine at the Fringe she's a Grammy nominated winner at this point

she's in you she's the TV show I'm not a check behind she is in you she she's she's a phenomenal singer

and she's in the oh fuck what's it called it's on Broadway it's Alanis Morissette's And she's in The Oh fuck What's it called It's on Broadway It's Alanis Morissette's one She's very good Anyway

She's Grammy nominated Anyway Her friends Is it called Jagged Little Pill Yes Because that was a guess That's what it would be called

If it was It is called Jagged Little Pill That's exactly what it's called Ah It's very good My mum and dad have seen it She was telling me

I hate that When we hang out with people who have actual talent. Oh, yeah, and she's like legit. Yeah, when you hang out with actually talented people and you're like, oh, I'm a fraud. I just say stuff. I just make fucking dick jokes, man. My only true talent is that most other people

don't have the confidence to do what I do. That's the biggest thing. I'm a salesman. She was telling me, because she lives in the fucking hills in LA, but people with tiny fucking dogs, what I do that's the biggest thing I'm a salesman she was telling me because she lives in the fucking hills in LA

but people with tiny fucking dogs have to get like coyote collars but also they have to get some like spiked

backpacks and that's to stop them being taken by eagles oh is that right oh man man the fact that there's a brand

there's several brands of these collars and backpacks it's happened loads clearly that there's a brand there's several brands of these collars and backpacks it's happened loads clearly like it's a common thing this isn't like a one time and now we've invented this this is happening because somebody somebody messaged me on instagram after this in the podcast and just saying like um i think it was i think maybe dan garrett i'm gonna try and get i think it was dan um had said uh have you got. I'm going to try and get it. I think it was Dan. Had said, have you got like kestrels in that area?

Because I do live by like a lot of farmland. It's like, just in case you have to put a mesh dome over your garden, right? Any messages with that? It's like, I couldn't read it. I couldn't read whether it was teasing us.

Or whether it was. Or whether I was like, watch it, a dog for kestrels, mate. Man, it does happen. I was like. I don't know if kestrels do it, but oh man, I was like, watch it, a dog for Kestrels, mate. Man, it does happen. I don't know if Kestrels do it, but oh man, if it did.

And look, I would never be happy at the death of an adorable, innocent dog. But fuck, we'd get a good podcast. I think I'd fly Nick Cody over especially for it. I hate getting touched with it, actually. I just got out of my inbox. I got out of bed had my coffee

opened my message and it had Nick Corey what's this about your dog and I just went straight back to bed blocked him blocked him

on all forms of social media deleted his number got a restraining order ceased in desist later turned up at his door 48 hours

I put myself through a relocation program so you couldn't even try and find it you're in witness protection now cody's banned from the patreon episodes of the podcast so i messaged us about that right and then um and then he uh i just apologized to him and i was like uh he was like actually it's probably better than getting like an ex-farm dog stuffy that you have to find a new home for when you get children. It's a better idea. And I was like, maybe your girlfriend picking your dog

isn't such a bad thing as they think it through. And he was like, well, on a technicality, like Looch chose our dog. I was like, aye, but that's not what this, thanks for giving us some ground on this, but that's not what this song's about. Thanks for giving us some ground on this, but that's not what this song's about.

We all know that's not what this song's about. I wonder if anyone, any of the listeners have taken that fucking toxic masculinity into their everyday life, male or female. I wonder if like, there's just like a group of girls that listen to this podcast and now whenever they see... Natalie. Natalie does it. Natalie does do it. I wonder if like there's just like a group of girls that listen to this podcast and now whenever they see Natalie Natalie does it

Natalie does do it Natalie leads the charge on it I'm trying to work out what I've done well she knows she can get away with it honestly Natalie I can't you don't need to give me a birthday present this year that's your birthday coming up it is I was about to say do you know how I know it's my birthday present this year like that's your birthday coming up it is

oh I was about to say do you know how I know it's my birthday because I'm an adult and I'm not an idiot but Cara gets very very

excited about either birthdays or Christmas because she likes buying gifts for other people because she's very very good

at buying gifts for other people like she listens to what they say in conversations she remembers things that they like she can piece things together and then when it comes time because she's very, very good at buying gifts for other people. She listens to what they say in conversations. She remembers things that they like. She can piece things together.

And then when it comes time... She's thoughtful. Yeah, yeah. As opposed to us, which are just like, what's an expensive thing that I can throw in your direction? That time when I bought Natalie an iPad, I'd been going out with her a couple of years, and I was like, I'll get her an iPad. And then Jean was just like, is that all you're getting now?

And I'm like, it's like 600 quid. I can't remember what's the word it's a fucking expensive gift it's just not very thoughtful is it is it engraved in that and I'm like

Jean what are you doing I had to buy a bunch of fucking trinkets from doing the little alleys in Brighton and I'm like just like to go with it so I didn't look

heartless because that's just different isn't it but they just I think for most women they just like the thoughtfulness because that's nicer that means you it but they just I think for for most women they just like the thoughtfulness because that's nicer

that means you've been paying fucking attention as opposed to you know sorting by most expensive click that thing send it on through

Cara's very good at buying presents what she's not good at is keeping secrets at all ah yeah not only can she not keep secrets you can if you've got a secret

it's written on her face like she's got a big giant like flashing fucking star above her head that just says I know something and she tells everyone last Christmas or maybe it was two Christmases ago she gave you her heart

and the very next day I had it for boxing sandwiches some leftovers you don't want to cook do you? you're hung over on boxing day yeah there's plenty of my heart left for everybody so I just put it on a sandwich

I put a little bread soaked in gravy in the middle I call it the moist maker a bit of applesauce she was buying me like she was doing 12 days of Christmas

so for the 12 days before Christmas she got me a present oh so that starts today because you're on the 11th what day is it today? well she's not doing it this time

she did it for Christmas is what I'm saying oh right I thought you meant your birthday no no no she did it for Christmas and last Christmas the one before last

I'm on it because it was the it was the end of the X tour we had so many people around Cara spent the entire night individually taking all 20 guests upstairs

to explain to them all the presents that she had bought me just because that's how much she needed to tell someone yeah so at the moment she wanted it to be a surprise

just to you she can't cope with being a surprise and I could get it out of her if I wanted to like it's I have to be the adult in this situation if I was just fucking

like because she wants to know what she's getting for gifts as well if I was like her I wouldn't already know what i'm getting for my birthday but i'm like don't tell me don't tell me actively like yeah keep her back stop it you're gonna ruin it for your fucking self i'm gonna enjoy it either way it was the time for christmas she bought off last year she bought me the the gaming chair uh from the the Xbox and it was a big big surprise and she didn't want me to know I was getting it

like it was my big certain gift and there was a picture of it on the box yeah they delivered a box that said gaming chair on the side and I took it and I was like Cara look and she was absolutely devastated that was one of the times when she was angry

but I just had to be like you're not angry at me I didn't do anything wrong in this but she was just no she needed somewhere to put her anger and you were closest yep all right that was the same christmas that i bought her a present that is a bigger version of what you got her for her birthday yep yep yeah kind of really like slush puppies uh maybe i'll just get A slush puppy machine He said Standing next to The slush puppy machine I had already bought

For her last birthday That tiny little Fucking bit of junk That you got from August She wouldn't let me buy I've said for ages I'm like man You know

Fucking I want to buy Like a real Real ass Fucking ice blast machine One day You have got clearance From Piggy

To get a Pinball machine I know I witnessed that Like if she tries to change her mind on that aye she did

there's a NQ64 that barcade in Edinburgh which is classic it's just so nice to have a fucking barcade

shout out NQ64 who I currently have the high score on QBAD well I think you just did for that day I mean it was

the day it opened yeah yeah pretty much the day after launch wasn't it but Cara got mad mad into the pinball and I've always you know who fucking

loves pinball machines and owns three b-b-b-ball day no not him I wish what about Linda

no no I'm out of guesses Jeffries Jim Jim Jeffries hi it was pinball you know what I liked because every time I'm playing of guesses Jeffries Jim Jim Jeffries Hi It was pinball

You know what I liked Because every time I'm playing a pinball machine Right I'm sinking money Into it right And as I'm going I'm working out

What shoots Activate what Yeah And there's like There's so much to it Because they're just like It's actually overwhelming How many fucking options

And lights are coming at you That you literally Just when you're playing Hit the balls But if you know What unlocks what You get much at you that you literally just when you're playing hit the balls but if you know what unlocks what you get much more game time out of it

because you're like oh if I get into there three times it's going to give us four balls or whatever this one will like give you an extra go so you can you can buy more game

time if if you know where you're aiming for because you can't aim for stuff like you're catching the paddle and then let it roll down the paddle and hit it at the right point.

And get it at the right bit to send it across. Yeah, there's so much more than just like whacking it. I want to make sure that I do because the machine I want is the Deadpool one. The Deadpool one's fucking great, but they don't make those anymore. Like you've got to get them secondhand and they don't ship from either Australia or America where they are. Yeah, and if they're secondhand, they're probably faulty. They're probably impossible to get fixed. Aye, I just feel like...

So... This is the definition of a first-world problem. It's way higher than... So I used to play the one on the PC where you just use the shift button to play it. Ah, yeah, space fucking something. Something like that, and there's loads of that. I got pretty good at it, right?

But the reason I got good at it is because if it balances precariously on the bit where it's about to tip off and go down the side you can hit spacebar and that's tilt and it's like nudging the machine so you can nudge the machine obviously if you keep tapping spacebar like all the lights come on and it fucking freezes so you kind of keep tapping space but that is just such a like major thing in pinball to like save your life you tap that at the right time you save your life i haven't been able to bring myself in an arcade to like save your life you tap that at the right time you save your life i haven't been able to bring myself in an arcade to like actually physically fucking wrench the machine just in

case you fucking break it uh-huh maybe that's maybe that's the way to get a fucking deadpool one maybe we go there we tilt it the machine breaks and they'll be like you break it you buy it and i'll be like deal that's what you're trying to get absolutely my dad can fix this easily oh that's a good point actually if you did have any problems with yours your dad can fix this easily oh that's a good point actually if you did have any problems with yours your dad could fix it my dad

we've got the arcade machine downstairs anyway and it's got I think about 100 150 games on it I've always wanted more but my dad can easily

just get the fucking chip out I mean I probably could if I could be arsed but then there's a great documentary on Netflix

about gaming aye it's like six episodes or something and there was this thing about like guys that would create chips for like

expansion packs on arcade games and they'd go and sell them to the arcades because they'd get like more money out of the machines with these things but it was like

kind of against the law at the time and then they got like recruited by the people who made the games to work for them oh that's the best way to do it it's like you know when you catch like catch me if you can where they catch by the people who made the games to work for them. That's the best way to do it.

It's like when you catch me if you can where they catch the fraudster and you work for a fucking operation catching people who do fraud.

Just that group of mates so reminded me of Daphne's pals. It was just them. That's probably what they were like back then.

What are you looking at? Far to bang. No. Sorry. Turns out I just wanted one. leg back there what are you looking at I thought I heard a bang no sorry turns out I just wanted one just lonely in this villa

much full thinking that was so funny on the swings last night it was just such a sad picture I was sat in the swings here

because the girls could be here to push me we'll get back home and tell them they'll be like you do know you could

have pushed each other that was right there so close right let's plug some shit we've got to go to a gig we do

we've got another we're doing like 10 shows in Lisbon which is fucking cool because one it means it means you could have played an arena

if you chose to in Lisbon which is a fucking great thing to find out and another good thing is that means that means we can keep coming back to Lisbon in this a fucking great thing to find out and another good thing is that means that means we can keep coming back

to Lisbon in this moment that we've lost I don't know need to get me jokes this moment that we're lost

with the girls in the pincer we'll be able to relive alright we'll definitely move back next year as long as we don't

stink every room out and make sure that they don't come back again but everyone everyone can enjoy it right so on Saturday

try again yep September 3rd we are in Gibraltar Marlena has messaged me about that which means it's probably not sailing as well

as we'd like so if you know anyone in Gibraltar or you can be asked going across the fucking border and you can get tickets to the... Can I just shout out the boys who flew from Dublin to watch the show last night? I know they listened to the podcast.

They were lovely lads. Fucking all the way over to see us. I mean, I think they did also come out to get drunk. Make a hold out of it, but it was part of the package. And then what the second Athens show on September the 14th is not sold out yet. And obviously, American people, the tour is on sale. Boston is almost sold out.

So, yeah, please just book up the fucking tickets because then we'll know if we need to add any more or not. Class. So, yeah, loads of gigs coming up. Probably near you at some point between now and February. And obviously

you can buy our merch at whatever the fucking merch website is. Yeah, I actually put the link in, I should have done this originally, I put the link in the podcast description now

so if you're listening to this on Spotify, iTunes, Patreon, wherever you're listening to it, Acast, it'll be in the link of the description.

And so you can buy Team Muggan's merch, you can buy Matty's the description. And so you can buy Team Muggins merch, you can buy Matty's Pinsa merch, you can buy the podcast merch, but we're still on an ongoing legal battle for the Team Cream merch. You don't get that kind of shit with Team Muggins, I'm just saying.

Your dad broke his wrist calling a nine-year-old rollerblader a wanker. Your dad broke his lips instead of the toast. Cut out the middleman. Your dad has a website where he rates each Cabbage Patch baby. The categories include kissing, personality, durability, taste and eagerness. Oh no. Your dad never changed his dreams since he was six and he's still

trying to become a professional rounders player and keeps trying to form a band around his recorder playing. Your dad can't fart if he's nervous or under pressure so before he goes out to ask people to pull his finger he farts in multiple ziploc bags. Just get the pulley swing and he passes them on. Who do the inside of his jacket? Squeezes it. Your dad's celebrity crush is Big Bird off Sesame Street. Aye, she's a big bird. He likes them big.

Your dad named his fists Razzle and Dazzle. Give him the old Razzle Dazzle. He named them After his uncles Your dad tried to Throw a toga party But because of a typo In the invites

Everyone turned up In yoga pants Your dad can't Lick his elbows And that's why They're the dirtiest Part of his body Can he lick the rest

Of himself I got it And I described it rest of himself clean I got it and I described it to everybody else who also got it welcome to running commentary with Guy Humphries

here's a here's a bunch of my thoughts they're gonna do with staying in my head your dad can swim like a fish and by that

I mean he goes round in circles forgetting how he got there and when he gets out of the pool he flaps like he's having a fit and I've got mean he goes round in circles forgetting how he got there and when he gets out of the pool he flaps like he's having a fit and I've got another one I don't know why I wrote six

I found a line I found a line of ants running through the kitchen and followed it out into the garden and there was your dad in file with them carrying a leaf above his head

back to their camp he can lift eight times his body weight but just chose not to they don't know right look you can have it as an outro We just chose not to. They don't know. Right, look. You can have it as an outro. His girlfriend, his girlfriend, his girlfriend picked his dog.

Picked his dog. His girlfriend picked his dog. His dog. And that's our outro.