Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.36 Here, here.

Episode Date: September 8, 2021

Muggins and Cream introduce the podcast sober to make up for last week but then pause for a spliff break and come back to do a whole other (better) podcast. The boys recount a potential mugging that transpired to be paranoia.    Merch store: https://muggins-and-cream.myspreadshop.co.uk   Full HD Video to follow on Patreon

It's an Amsterdam episode, but not as you know it. We start off sober. We then stop the podcast and have a spliff. And then I'm not sure what happened. You're going to have to find out for yourself. Sloss and Humphries on the road. Muggins and cream, cream and muggins. Straight thuggin', livin' the dream.

That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Ticklin' the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. They said it can't be done are we in the same seats that's hack oh muggles accidental rim job in the park

kiss kiss kiss or might just be cynical just muggled it up on fucking mugglepedia where have you been since 9-11 oh right we're back

do we owe them an apology do we owe them a you're welcome no there was the it's only these people that will be due the apology the Thursday podcast listeners the Patreon ones that got the super high episode like they already subscribed to this

do you know what happened as well you know how they're the type of episodes that lose us followers because we're incoherent. It's just like eavesdropping on people who have in-jokes. It's not for everybody, and it's understandable. Normally that's what loses people, but weirdly this time, we lost followers before the episode, like they knew it was coming. Oh, there was just...

Like, you know when there's a natural disaster coming, and there's just loads of fauna Rats and squirrels and stuff Just like coming out the trees They smelt it Did you just call all of our Patreon subscribers rats? No, no, no Well, I think you did No, no, no, I think you'll find I called the ones that left

Rats, oh that's fair The ones that left us were rats Cowards Aye But yeah, that was a fun episode So this is the Amsterdam episode We were meant to do one last night But then we didn't

Because we were Too stoned and tired And it's like an extra Like you can't do You can't start a podcast At one in the morning Because then you're not done Until like fucking half two

Yeah so And we had to go get Our 9000th fucking PCR test Oh my god Like travelling now is just... There's so much bureaucracy. Aye. I can understand that we're very, very lucky

to be getting to travel to the places that we do. And I'm fucking grateful. But I am going to tell you, it's a fucking bollock. Aye, just wait. If you're thinking of travelling, just fucking wait. Or just go to a country that doesn't care. Aye. Like, me and Gareth are off to Greece next week and they of travelling, just fucking wait. Or just go to a country that doesn't care. Like me and Cara are off to Greece next week and they couldn't give a fucking shit.

Is that right? They're like, just bring a note from your mum that says you don't have the sniffles and you can come straight in. Come in holding your nose and we'll just trust that you'll do that for the entire trip and you're not going to spread it anywhere. We'll be absolutely fucking fine. Whereas

other places a bit much. So them forms that you've got to fill in online, they're just so shit. They've not tested them once. You know the passenger locator form? At no point before they released it as a program were they like, let's run through this.

Let's have a customer experience Aye And see what it's like As a punter Aye Punter Do you call yourself a punter If you're travelling

Probably not No not Not even remotely Do you suggest Not look at the customers As punters No I don't think They even look at us

As people I think Maybe they should Start like Looking at the customers As punters Because punters Are people that

Like are to be entertained Like you know You'd be a Would you be a punter At a football punters are people that are to be entertained. Like, you know, would you be a punter at a football match? Yes. Because you're about to be entertained. You'd be a punter at a rock gig, at a comedy gig to be entertained.

Whereas when you're going on your holiday, why is that person not to be entertained? They're literally spending everything they've saved up on to go and have an experience. No, they haven't spent everything. They went easy jet. Like, that's... Like, easy went easy jet like that's like you easy jet ryanair that's on you like you know what the customer experience is like you went for the cheap holiday welcome to the cheap experience it's such a shame though because manas cost nothing

so no they do no no they know they do i can tell you the price of manners and it's the difference between a British Airways flight and an EasyJet flight. That's the price of manners. So it's about three or four hundred quid is the price of manners. Unless you are anywhere in Spain. I've got this theory that...

I fucking hate the Spanish. There's my theory. I hate the Spanish. You come up with a theory that the the British expats are as bad as they are because the Spanish locals are as bad as they are

vice versa it's like a cyclic yes I think what happened it's like two groups of people that have zero chemistry together making each other worse

yeah and it's like a little fucking engine of shite it's like if you got two magnets and you put them into and they were just the theory of them spinning around

because they're constantly repelling each other. British expats are the worst in the world. And that's across the board. Like, we're unforgivably shit when we go and live overseas. In second place is the Aussies, but it's us first

by a substantial fucking bit. So our expats... I don't feel like we send out what's best. No, of course we don't. Like, what front line of expats is not like the cream of the crop, is it? No, no. None of them are good.

So we send our expats out and they go to these places and they go, you can't get a decent fucking burger here. This is fucking shit. And they learn nothing. They don't embrace the culture. They don't learn the fucking language.

And what happens is, because Spain is the easiest one to get to, they go there and it's hot and they're very rude to the fucking locals. And what the locals do is they go, oh, I hate British people. And they're allowed to arrive at that conclusion. Because it's not like they've only met six British people

and they were all shit. They've met 100,000 British people. A decent sample size. And every last one of them was a rat fucking bastard. Was a horrible, drinky, shouty,

racist, rapist, cunt. Every last one of them across the fucking board. Right? And then the Spanish just go, right,

I'm going to be horrible to every single British person in the entire world. And then we come over because we're like working there and we're just, we're here to just perform to the locals. Aye. And we get the entire world. And then we come over because we're like working there and we're just we're here to just

perform to the locals and we get the same treatment. And the worst gigs we ever do the worst gigs we ever ever have when we're overseas is once to expats.

If we're like the way I know if it's going to be a good gig right when you turn up you're like where are we right we're in Lisbon. Would you reckon the percentage of expats is

going to be 2%? It's going to be a great gig. Yeah it's it weirdly it's nice to have expats in if they're the vast majority, vast minority in the crowd.

It's nice to have that. But if the, if expats make up the audience like they've done before in Switzerland, like my first trip to France, they hate their life decisions, weirdly.

Like they are not, they always hate the country that they're in. Yep. They always hate the job, always hate the job that they're in yep they always hit the job always hit the job that they're in they always seem to be like resenting the life that they never lived yeah they also seem to also pretend that they do like it in a way yeah they're just they're just there because like on all these countries there are less strict rules on fucking 15 year old girls that's the only fucking reason 90 of the fucking men are there right and

their wives know it that's it that's it let's go fuck some european teenagers that's all they're after i love that um for you just now expats have went from annoying to rapists to pedophiles they are they've ruined the Spanish for me because now I sincerely hate the Spanish I hate them guy every single time I go to fucking Spain I get treated like a British person

and that's fair that's fair because I am but I'm not like the fucking rest of them right and I understand do you feel profiled

I am profiled and it's or well I mean I don't know if they're just lazy across the board and this is the level of racism I don't mind if they're just lazy across the board well this is a level of racism i don't mind engaging and by the way like i know we've got gigs coming up in

madrid and i will say this to their fucking faces i think your afternoon naps are ridiculous and i think your customer service is the worst in the fucking world how can the customer service ever be good if they've always just woken up i'm shit when i've just woken up they're napping all the time willy-nilly no i crossed the board we went we literally because we had to go pick up merlina fucking uh wheelchair uh because she likes to pretend to be crippled in airports and uh there were six members of staff all doing absolutely nothing apart from talking to each other yeah just six on the other side of the desk all talking to each other no queue no one anywhere side of the desk, all talking to each other.

No queue, no one anywhere. And we stood there. Some of them weren't even engaged in the conversation. Like two of them were chatting, one of them was listening and three of them were like kind of twiddling their thumbs. And like we were quite obviously waiting to be served. Yeah, because there was no queue. And I started counting them.

Like one, two, three, four, five, six. Uno, dos, tres, cuatro, cinco. Oh, it's not cinco, cinco. I started counting them Like One two Three four Five six Uno dos tres Cuatro cinco Oh it's not cinco Cinco Oh no The song ruined it for me I love as well

How Marley Does walk with a stick She's had a knee operation She's had several knee operations But she develops Cerebral palsy In an airport It's just

You get taken through quicker And she likes to Hammer up Yep It was funny At the Because that's what Like it's just you get taken through quicker and she likes to hammer up yep it's funny because that's what it's a physical disability

she has yet she somehow seemed to be laying on a mental disability at the at the

fucking line can't think of my words customs aye security border security but fucking security cuts as well.

Look, again, again, look, I understand how annoying it must be for thousands and thousands and thousands of British people to come to your country and not even for one single second even attempt to speak the fucking language, right? It's one of the many, many reasons that I fucking hate British expats.

There's not even like the base, like, oh, can you take me here? Thank you. Please. All the things. Or not even, just always learn, I'm sorry I don't speak the language or do you speak English

in whatever country you're going to because it always endears you to them. Like, hi, I'm sorry. I'm a stupid Brit. Could you please speak English? But at least I've done this much. Yeah. Learn that in Spanish.

Learn that in French. Learn that in fucking French. Pardonnez-moi, je suis écossais, mon français est très merde. And now in Mandarin? Parlez-vous anglais? No,

no, not even, not even for a joke. Not even for a fucking bit of banter. But, if you, I don't know, let's say working in international airports where lots of people

come through and let's get i understand spanish is like what the second biggest language in the world because of it's pretty big because there's a lot of south america yeah yeah yeah so fair point like you've got you've got like it's not like the french when they're like i'm not speaking english motherfucker you're fucking speaking english i tell you that right now that's what you're doing right right it's you in canada and and and then a bunch of the other isles you used to own calm down it's not you it's Spanish you've got point Portuguese you're not you're not like to stand on I know Brazil but shut up oh Portugal Portugal have got territory like they do but again Portuguese the Portuguese language is that is that do you think that's more widely spoken than French yes yeah Portuguese I don't know Canada's pretty fucking big but then again it's only little bits of Canada that's more widely spoken than French? Yes, Portuguese I don't know, Canada's pretty fucking big

but then again it's only little bits of Canada that's spoken a little bit, it's entire cities and provinces but I just don't respect the French so my point is with this fucking Spanish if you work at a fucking airport it's safe to assume that you're going to be encountering people that speak English

If you work in Malaga airport it's so hot on british tourism hi and you can't act surprised if somebody doesn't speak spanish so we're just going in and the guy's like the guy's literally and he's just not trying he's very clear about english we've been speaking english the entire time and we're like sorry we're late we have to push this woman in a fucking wheelchair who's lost a ticket lost her ticket and i went away and found it and then she found it and we have this push this woman in a fucking wheelchair. Who's lost her ticket. Who's lost her ticket. And I went away and found it. And then she found it. And we have this entire conversation in English. And they understand it.

And I come there. And he just keeps pointing at shit. No, no, no. Not pointing. He has full on Spanish sentences towards me. I'm like, man, you know I don't know what you're saying. Point. Point.

I'm not saying learn the English words. But tell me what you want to do. Point to my laptop. Is it your laptop? And then point to the fucking box. Is it your toiletries? Is it my fucking bell? What is it, cunt? What to the fucking box is it a toilet race is it my fucking bell what is it

what's the fucking problem do you need me to take my watch off like there's gestures you could use to get the message across but he was just like here's a fucking gesture for you to get across

you fucking Spanish twat I hate them I hate them Kai but this is the thing it was only that difficult for us because they hate us they know they could have made it easier in the Spanish that he was

speaking to you was probably just like you fucking arsehole that's it that's the english that's the english i was speaking back to him man like i was not being subtle with my fucking disdain he had he had three fucking minutes to be like treat me like a human being and i was like right if if you're not treating me like a person i'm not treating like you one and i guarantee you i'll do a better fucking job I've spent way more of my life looking down my nose

at people cunt oh no no I haven't you're Spanish yeah I saw a bit where he was speaking to you in Spanish and you were just

going to him what's the game what is the game that we're playing are we just guessing what each other are saying what the fuck do you want me to do what do you want

alright so through here I'm like fucking explain oh oh oh also Gibraltar is a perfect example of why i fucking hate british expats every single person in that audience that was that audience that had come from spain through the borders to gibraltar was lovely the heckly rude motherfuckers in the front row guess where they fucking came from

guess who ruined the gig in another country like somewhere like Leeds Liverpool Liverpool was it the fuck

well to be fair he wasn't bad but it was all they just oh I hate expats if you live in the UK please come see us live

if you live in America and you're American please come see us live if you are British and you live anywhere outside of Britain please never ever come come see us live if you live in America and you're American please come see us live if you are British and you live anywhere outside of Britain please never ever come and see us never come and see us I'm not I know it's not I'm not fucking interested I'm not interested in your attendance right if you want to come see us come back come back to the UK set in a British audience where you'll get fucking slapped across the back of the head for acting the way you're fucking acting

I think just come to the gig but just know that it's not about you this gig the gig's about the place that we are I think

I think we're letting a couple of bad apples spoil the bunch nah disagree I reckon all them five gigs

in Lisbon I reckon there was expats in there that just enjoyed the show quietly and let you talk to the Portuguese. And then one person in Gibraltar shouts out. It wasn't one person, it was 17 people in Gibraltar.

I enjoyed that gig. I thought it was fucking... This is the thing with that gig. I can see why you were bristly about it because you couldn't have done any of your previous shows there. You couldn't have done the show where your sister died. You couldn't have done X. you couldn't have done any of your previous shows there you couldn't have done the show

where your sister died you couldn't have done X you couldn't have done anything that was poignant because they were

a bit too feral but for me just doing like 20 minutes of warm up that's an energy you can harness and you can get

more out of that energy than you regularly could but attention span wise is less it felt like a club gig they weren't comedy savvy they were not a fucking but because let's talk about it being also i want to point out with 15 minutes

in the amsterdam podcast and you're like why are these two not high um what we're gonna do this in two halves all right and also this is an indica because we smoked all this yesterday so so we've got one indica spliff left so we're going to be actually stone stoned. Aye. To anybody that doesn't know, sativa is the one that makes you chatty and happy and laughy. And indica is the one that makes you stoned and mellow and chilled out. And the way to remember it is indica, indicauch. Indicauch.

Because that's what it puts you. It's going to be indicauch. Because that's where it puts you. I'm going to be into culture. So we decided because of the fucking brain vomit of a podcast that we'll put up on Thursday, we'll do half of this. Compass Mentis. Not half.

20 minutes of this sober. I bet you didn't know I knew Latin. 20 minutes of this sober. And then we'll go and fucking smoke a spliff. And then we'll come back in. And we'll talk about how much we actually like the Dutch. Yes. Because they're very efficient. Uh-huh.

And they know what they're doing. Portugal, you were good. I'll give you that. I've got nothing. I don't have anything. I think I used to have bias towards the Portuguese. It was because Spanish,

it was because you hate, you basically done that thing that if anybody hates the Scottish because they're British because of the association with the English. Aye. You did that with Portugal.

You just threw them in with the Spanish. I just assumed it was, and you know what, you're right. Portugal, I do owe you an apology. You're not the Spanish. You're not the Spanish. You're actually very nice and very friendly. And you do get annoyed by us and you're allowed to be annoyed by us because we're horrible Brits and we're very

rude and loud, but you sort of you kind of accept that's the way we are. And, and. But don't hate all of us just by the us that are at the Algarve. That's not us. But the Portuguese in Lisbon, they were very much like, they made their decision. They were like, all right,

you seem to be an all right British person. So I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt. And that's all I need. All I need is the benefit of the doubt and that's all i need all i need is the benefit of the doubt i'm like you dirty rat bastards spanish and just because your history is slightly fucking interesting right you've got the fucking god to treat me like that go fuck yourselves oh by the way we've got two shows in madrid coming up please none of the expats come or any of the spanish yeah

yeah yeah in fact could all the portuguese drive over the border no i love as well that i was going and please don't judge us based on the the expats at the algarve last time i was in the algarve did i not get into a fight you did i was scrapped i was scrapping an albifer. Let's talk about Gibraltar for a second. We climbed a mountain in a bus and it was like one of them like one lane traffic, no ridge mountain trails all the way up the rock at Gibraltar.

On the right hand side is the rest of the mountain and on the other side is death. And beautiful sights as well because it looks right out into the sea. Being on a peninsula and all. And then we'll climb up the mountain. There's monkeys,

which we're told it was going to be. They were bigger than I thought. The monkeys on the mountain. They're not called Mackeys or something like that? Barbarian monkeys or something? No. Barbara?

Barbara monkeys? There's a big difference between a barbarian and a Barbara. It's usually about 50 years. I don't get it. And just because a barbarian would be quite young, athlete and a barbara would be like a granny oh i see although that is massively wrong because chronologically the barbarians would have been around that's thousands of years before i was going more off the age of them you know why the

way the word barbarian comes from barbara it, bar, bar, bar, bar. Mm-hmm. It's to explain. That is how we sounded to people that didn't speak our language. Aye. I'm saying we as in we're the barbarians. Were we the barbarians? Well, no, no. It was the Romans and they were talking about the... Well, I mean, yeah, they were talking about the Picts,

but they were mainly talking about whoever the fucking Germans were at that time. Obviously, they weren't Germans back then it was the how's this going at me fucking head history doesn't stick with me I read a lot of it

I read a lot of it and Gauls the Gauls no it was the French they were French I was thinking that before because you were like the Gaul of Spanish

and I was like ooh is that a pun and then I was like no Gaul's French and then I just kept quiet and then brought it back up now. Okay. So there's monkeys,

which I've just called barbarian monkeys because I'm sure somebody called them that on the Instagram conversation with somebody else. We should look it up. No,

let's not. So there's monkeys and we'll get to the top of the mountain and then we'll kind of like delve into the mountain and start going down this like kind of tunnel. That looked very man-made, you know, it had like barriers and stuff. And then the tunnel started looking less man-made and just become a cave.

Yep. And just become this massive cave with like stalactites coming down, stalagmites coming up, pillars. So, you know, stalactites, is that where water's dripping and leaving sediment on over the years? So then it builds up from the top. And then the bottom one is the stalagmite, which is from where it lands.

The sediment builds up. So then big pillars, are they just stalactites and stalagmites that have met, got married, lived happily ever after? Aye, yes. That's what they are? Yeah, but became two, became happily ever after. Aye, yes. That's what they are. Became two, became one.

Ah. And, um... Because there was, like, in the middle of the theatre, there was, like, a conveniently good pillar that looked like the structural integrity of the room was based on it. And I was like, but that isn't man-made. Did, like, did nature just get in, right? We need to prop up the roof here.

This is going to fall through. The stalactite needs... but that's where the water's coming through the most aye but also all the all the all the caves

where the pillars didn't get formed are collapsed and gone like it's like the reason we saw this one is because of that is because nature found a way aye aye

it's like the you just did the very very religious thing of like it's a miracle look how well designed this thing is God must have done it the only reason this one's here is because it's this

and you've missed the thousands of ones that have failed around it that's what I do with with fiction with any story where I'm like well that's a bit far fetched and I'll go that's why it's a story yes aye this is why it's noteworthy. Yeah, if it was just like a mundane,

this is probably likely to happen book, you're going to put it down pretty quick. Aye. Speaking of books, to the four people that listen to this podcast and take my book recommendations, and I'm speaking specifically to you, Sid and Rini. Is this the one I've just started listening to?

Actually I've just started reading this one Project Hail Mary is just a very good book, it's the same guy that wrote The Martian. I like him, I read Artemis as well I've not read that one The one I'm reading is another it's not a trilogy, I think it's like four or five of them but only the fourth one's out now, but he's one of those

good ones where it's he's got a good consistency of bringing the books every fucking year like he's another Scott, but he's one of those good ones where it's, he's got a good consistency of bringing the books every fucking year. Like he's another Scott Lynch, he's another Brandon Sanderson. This guy, so it's called Red Rising

and I won't give it anything away. It's just very, very good if you're into fucking fantasy nerd shit. It's a bit different from the other stuff I've recommended.

A bit more sci-fi than the previous Swords and Shields. Yeah, like imagine, it's Romans in the future, kind of. Also,

me and my brother Matthew came up with a good law that we want to implement in the world. I can't remember if I brought it up on this podcast. But obviously,

George R. Martin is a wanker and I hate him. Yeah. Yeah, he led everybody on. He blue-balled us all. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's not written a new book in 17 years and he complains about getting death threats. And it's like, motherfucker, at this point, you get them and that's your life. Like, I've got no sympathy for you. I've committed hundreds of hours to that story. That's not going to get completed. You've written seven other books

not about the thing I want. Fuck you. Fuck my head, Sned. Every single death threat you get, I've got no sympathy. I hope they come in droves fuck it legally obviously no, don't send them death threats

etc etc, that's all a joke but the rule I actually want to implement is Brandon Sanderson the silly little Mormon has such a fucking turnover of books right, man he will write a book a year and here's a rule I know there's other fantasy writers out there

because Patrick Rothfuss who I love he will write a book a year and here's a rule and this I know there's other fantasy writers out there because Patrick Rothfuss who I love and I'm giving him time it's been a while since the last book but it's I trust him

it's not been they're big books they're big books and it's like this next one's the last one and he wants to perfect it and he's such a good writer that I'm willing to give him

the time in the books we're talking about aww a wise man's fear and name of the wind aye but for all other fantasy writers that are fucking struggling willing to give him the time. In the books we're talking about aww, name of the wind. But for all other fantasy writers that are fucking struggling, there needs to be a Brandon Sanderson clause.

Which is, if you haven't written a book in five years, Brandon Sanderson gets to write your book. In the same way that when Robert Jordan died, Brandon Sanderson finished the Wheel of Time series. Yeah.

And he did it well. He read all the books. He was a fan. Anyone that's read Wheel of Time will tell you that they were very happy. So Game of Thrones needs to be finished by Brandon Sanderson now. George R. R. Martin had his chance. He had his fucking chance to finish the books.

And now he's lost. After five years, you revoke your rights to your own fucking book. And Brandon Sanderson, and only Brandon Sanderson, other people don't get to do it. But after five years, since the last release of your book, if you've not fucking finished it, Brandon Sanderson gets to write it. And you can still write yours,

and you can still sell it as yours, but he gets to make all the fucking money because he's got a work ethic. You fat bearded cunt. So is that Brandon Sanderson rule, it's not like the Bosman rule, where obviously the Bosman rule was designed because of the man Bosman. I have's not like the Bosman rule, where obviously the Bosman rule was designed because of the man Bosman.

I have no idea what the Bosman rule is. It's a transfer rule that was named after a person because he was the first person. I don't know if it's something to do with free transfer and out of contract. I don't know it fully. But anybody that moves on that clause is moving on the Bosman rule.

So you're saying the Brandon Sanderson rule isn't one where somebody else can finish your book you're saying the Brandon Sanderson rule isn't one where somebody else can finish your book and that's the Brandon Sanderson rule. It has to actually be him. It's got to be Brandon Sanderson, yes. Brandon Sanderson, it's not... He's the only one that can do it and well, and we know he can.

He's proven that. Wheel of Time was ended superbly. We know this man respects fantasy, can write it well. Can emulate the previous absolutely something that George R.R. Martin is incapable of

and again Patrick Rothfuss if you're watching this for whatever reason it's not I love you man I love you I'm a big fan

please don't I'm not one of the fans that's yelling at you to hurry up I do want you to hurry up but I'm not saying it I'm not saying it I respect

we're rooting for you but look Brandon Sanderson's in the wings and we're going to have to sub you off in a minute son no again Patrick you're the exemption to the rules just because I'm such I respect We're rooting for you brother We're rooting for you But look Brandon Sanderson's in the wings And we're going to have to Sub you off in a minute son He's going to

No you Again Patrick You're the exemption to the rules Just because I'm such a big fan Of all of you But Brandon would do it well But you Scott Lynch Give me my next Locke Lamora

You fucking wanker Give me it Give me it right now You don't want to rush it Because you said he rushed the third one Oh he did didn't he Fuck I've only

I've still only read the first one of that. It's also really, really annoying that all the best fantasy writers, apart from Brandon Sanderson, have depression. Like, it just really affects their fucking writing because you're like, because depression's like a real legit reason

to not write a book. Like, I know people, you don't have it, George R. Martin, you're a fucking liar. But it's like a real, like, I'm not in the headspace. Like, I'm meant to be writing a story about fucking hope or fucking

revenge and all these things and I'm just ugh, I get it Did you tell me that Brandon Sanderson is deeply religious and there's loads of parallels between his books and the stories of the Bible Well it's just all very Jesus-y but then again now that I've read more fantasy between his books and the stories of the Bible?

Well, it's just all very Jesus-y. But then again, now that I've read more fantasy books, I mean, all books are Jesus-y. Every single fantasy book has to follow the sort of same thing of there's a person who's eventually reborn to become something better than themselves so that they can lead the fight for humanity because there's been tyranny and evil before. Look, I can't remember the name of the fucking theory,

but there's only like four or five stories in the world and we all just fucking repeat them in different ways. Versions of it. Aye. Is this like when you got into Creed, not realising they were a Christian rock band? Aye. Well, because WWF sold it to me.

Oh, you know how you were saying about the caves with the accident that made it plausible, that pillar down the middle, and then we're like, oh my God, it must be from God, and you're like, no, because all the other ones collapsed. You know how you hate that shit? You're going to hate this. You know how we're picking up Peggy, the dog,

on my anniversary the 8th of September? Didn't know that, but sure. I've told you a million times daniel you never listened uh the actual date of birth because we're like you're picking up like 12 weeks after they're born the actual date of birth is the 23rd of june which is what you know when we're done with secret wedding so that we could get the paperwork because the one in spain doesn't come with the paperwork so it has the ceremony and it's recognised in everybody's eyes but it's not legally binding. On the 23rd of June, Peggy's actual

birthday. So obviously Natalie thinks it's meant to be. Duh! Like how else how else could that fall into place? How else do you explain two days correlating? And it's from Humphrey's Pooh the breeders are called Humphrey's Pooh.

Oh my God. If you do not believe in fate now. I fucking hate your wife sometimes. Like I love her for bringing me this dog and bringing me this ripe, ripe tree of abuse. But I just... And see all these other basic bitches that are like why can't you just let us have it because it's stupid right that's why that's why i can't just let you have your stupid beliefs because they're fucking stupid and i know some of you do it jokingly but the rest of you

fucking mean it right and you propagate it and you hold it up and you substantiate all this bullshit aye can i smoke this pliff now? Aye, let's have a spliff. So... I'd like to apologise to the Spanish. I've calmed down a bit. I chugged your beans a little bit. Well, thinking about it, you know how you've always got to bleed the radiator of anger a bit?

You've got to sort of let it out, and that's when you say all of your irrational, unthought-through points, just because it's hate or anger, and then you get it out and that's when you say all of your irrational unthought through points just because it's like hate or anger and then you get it out and then you're like okay now i've got time to reflect realistically we're just going to the main parts of spain and i'm lumping all of spain in there i reckon like the coastal parts of it and the more rural parts also you're judging people based off their like put your headphones on just so you can tell when you're making a noise we are because right for anybody watching the video now you can see we're just in the couch all right in fact i will i'll just i'll just do my best i'll lean

forward you're just gonna lean forward all right i'll just i'll just remember um so yeah you're basically you're basing them off the airport security like they are the worst people in the world i'm basing it off of all of the restaurant staff and all the bar staff as well and the taxi drivers and the hotel staff but I am doing that that's like people going to London and going fucking oh they're all cunts

like they're all very fucking rude and you go alright well yeah but that's London that's just the way they are there people move around they're not going to be nice to you they're all on their way to work. Like, I would hate if... I have this theory as well, that if I spoke to anybody, the way that security at the airport speaks to everybody,

my mother would kick my arse. Aye. That's bad parenting. It's just rude. It's really bad parenting from airport security staff. Aye, all of your mums suck. If your child is airport security staff, why did you raise them that way? Aye, all of your mums suck. If your child is airport security stuff, why did you

raise them that way? Aye, yeah. You raised them in a strict enough environment that they learned about authority and the power of it, but they didn't have the decency to become, or the skills to become police officers. You as a parent, you had your own chair, didn't you?

That no one else was allowed to sit on. Yeah. You couldn't. Aye, that's not? That no one else was allowed to sit on Yeah You couldn't Aye, that's not on In my chair Shut up Sit somewhere that's available I'd understand that at a dinner table But that's just because

That's a nice wee Head of the table Not necessarily head of the table But I like the fact that you all sit in your usual places And it's a tradition Yeah, there is that But if it's like it's a tradition so yeah there is that but like if it's

well in fact my mum had a chair did she my grand my grandad Peter was the fucking best man alive but he's not alive anymore

but when he was he did have his own chair but like now that he's dead now that he's dead it's up for grabs it's up for grabs it's a very exciting time

in any good charity store any good charity store Any good charity store No no Not the chair I meant the title of I meant the title of Best person alive Now that he's dead

Right Yeah It's not been filled yet I thought you were just saying Anyone can sit in his chair No I wasn't auctioning off Your dead grandad's chair It's just like the saddest

Most awful He's been dead for four years Car's finally over It's been way more than four years Isn't it Yeah 2009 it was And I'm not over it i i don't think you ever do get over death yeah you just move around it don't you i like i think my mom always said there was a the japanese had this great half this great analogy and i'm gonna butcher it but it's like

when you when you when you lose someone it it's like somebody's ripped a massive hole in your chest and you want it to be sort of like there's pain there and every time you touch it, it hurts. And if people try to remove it, it would hurt. But then over time, it gets easier to sort of deal with and you sort of learn to grow around it. And if anyone were to take that away from you, you wouldn't feel yourself anymore

because the grief is part of it now and it's part of you and it's your pain and i thought he's seen the analogy with the the pain button in the jar yeah in the ball the big then there's a big ball which is your recent pain and it's always hitting the pain button yeah but the ball always let's explain it a bit better there's a there's, like a shoe box, and in the box, on a big massive circle button, and every time that button is hit, it makes you feel grief. And there's a ball that's randomly bouncing around. So when the grief is early on,

the button's big, so the ball's hitting it a lot of the time, so you're constantly being reminded of the grief. But as time goes on, both the ball and the button get smaller, so it means it hits the button less, you feel the grief less. time goes on both the ball and the button get smaller so it means it hits the button less you feel the grief it's all still inside of you but it's still the exact same amount of pain like the grief actually never diminish diminishes just the frequency of it yeah

i try to like keep him alive in my head where i know his personality very well and I know how he responds to stuff. And I can kind of get his advice posthumously just from what I know about him. You can just go, right, take a second, what advice would he give here? You'd also know any of your actions if you did them, what he would think about them. You'd go, that would be me, I'd be grounded again

and he wouldn't speak to me at the fucking weekends i'd still i'd still get that hanging over us like what if what if we what if we granddad uh heard about this well your granddad pete all right but thankfully like also r.i.p to granddad harry but less don't really don't really mind what he would have thought about something i never psychologically go to be grounded harry for advice based on his actions in life oh my god what a disaster my life would be what a fucking disaster but if look he brought me entertainment in abundance yeah yeah and that's and that's a nice thing i guess um can we talk talk about the fact that I've got two things I want to bring up? I've got two things I want to bring up.

I only know one of them, so the other one's going to be a surprise. We're out there smoking and we're staying right beside Ajax Stadium. And across, there's like, I'm going to say about five football pitches. Is it clear that Ajax training ground? Yes, I think that's where they're training. And that must be like the youth team or just some of the younger players. Yeah, like much, like there were tiny kids and they were playing because we were trying to figure out,

are they just kids that are renting that spot to play football? Yeah. Or is it the youth team? Yeah. Right, and we're like, let's just watch them for a bit because if they're class... Then it's obviously the youth team. And their positioning was great.

Yeah, they were at an age you would expect everybody to be chasing the ball, but they had structure, and they were moving it on pretty quick. And even the team that was in possession, the other team, they were pressing but not too aggressively. It was intellectual football. They were holding position, they were showing for each other. When they passed the ball, they were moving. Their heads were up. Yeah, and that's a good thing about football, When they passed the ball, they were moving. Their heads were up.

Yeah. And that's a good thing about football, is when you're passing, you've got to keep your head up. So I'm trying to pass you the fucking joint that we're smoking, right? And you're just watching the football, and you're like, yeah, no, they're keeping a good formation. No, no, this is what I actually said. I went, ooh, have they got a minimum amount of touches?

Because they're moving the ball around quite a bit. They're not dribbling. Do you think then you agreed? No. Then you agreed no then you agreed let's finish and then I was like oh yeah they're only taking

like three touches in the really measured touches I think they're playing three touches and then you agreed no you tell your side

of the story I wasn't agreeing I had finished smoking the joint and I kept going here here I had agreed with this what I was saying I'm saying is it three touches and I kept going, here. Here.

Agreeing with this. No. I'm saying as a three-toucher, you're like, here, here. I've never said here, here to agree with anything. Like, don't pretend that's part of my character. Don't pretend that's part of my fucking legs. I've got, oh, here, here, bravo.

And I just accept it. Like I'm some sort of fucking Tory in the house of comments Hear hear The bloody poor No I was trying to pass you the fucking joint you thick cunt And even though I've never heard you say hear hear

To agree with anything I didn't even question that when you did I was like yeah that's something Danny would say to agree Can we now talk about your little Whitey last night Oh no Oh no Can we now talk about your little whitey last night? Oh, no. Oh, no.

I forgot about that. I didn't. Oh, I totally forgot. That was a whitey, that. That was a proper whitey. Talk about paranoid. So we land in about fucking eight at Schieppel Airport. And we assume we're going to be there for three hours, right?

Because after Edinburgh, Schieppel is the worst airport. And Schieppel has an excuse to be bad. It's massive. They're running such a huge operation. You expect bags to take a while. Aye. But also... They're moving a lot of people around. Yeah.

Edinburgh's got no excuse. Still Schieppo. You know how big you are. Let's make it a bit more efficient. But there was no, we didn't have to go through border control because I guess we'd already fucking gone through it. They checked in the Portuguese side so it was just easier. We get to our hotel.

We check in. We're about 20 minutes away from town because we're near the venue. So we go in to watch the rest of the from town because we're near the venue so we go in to watch the rest of the Scotland game by some legal marijuana yep

we're on route 66 one of my favourite bars because they've got any sport on that you want to watch but you can make requests as well because there's loads of screens

and it's never busy I've never been in there when it's fucking round you can always get a seat and aye you can just watch good service as well very good service really good service the type of service where they keep an eye on where your drink's at And then when it's fucking round... You can always get a seat. And aye, you can just watch... Good service as well.

Very good service. Really good service. They're the type of service where they keep an eye on where your drink's at and then just come and ask if you want another. Yeah. Before you have to get their attention. You're never going without a drink. They don't sell weed there, but it's around the corner. It's one of the other coffee shops.

We go there, buy it, go to Route 666. We watched the Scotland game. We beat Moldova 1-0. Very, very happy. We tried our best To watch the UFC We got them to put the UFC on But they put on a rerun Aye

We were trying to watch Paddy Pimlet Who Absolutely smashed it Absolutely We got the footage After it happened Aye

So congrats to our friend Paddy Pimlet That's right We know celebrities He's coming to see us In Liverpool Aye I think

Let's not piss him off Aye Savage beast So Everything starts to close He's coming to see us in Liverpool. Aye. I think, let's not piss him off. Aye. Savage beast. So, everything starts to close at around about 12. We go get ourselves a wee kebab. Just walk around Amsterdam, eating half of it. And what we hadn't realised is that the Formula One is on.

Aye. So, it was super busy. There was also, the Netherlands were playing last night, I'm pretty sure. Yes, they were. So, it was, like, town was very, very busy. We found a taxi. Yeah, it was like a guy just, it was a car, just saying, does anyone want a taxi? I don't know if it was a taxi or not.

Well, it seemed to be like a taxi rank. Maybe dodgy people, it wasn't a taxi rank, people were avoiding it. It was like, you know, when you get, like, dodgy guy at the airport, like, offering you a lift in the concourse before you get another taxi. He was in a suit, he was standing outside, like, there was the barrier that taxis are required to have between the front and the back, and I'm pretty sure there was, like... It did turn out to be a taxi, you're right. The name of a taxi company on the side

of it. But at first, when you asked him how much, and he told you the price, I was like, he's running a scam, yeah. Yeah, it was, like, 60 euros, and there's no way it cost 60 euros. Nah, not a chance it cost 60 euros but also you can you could have quoted any price to me at that price at that time and i would have been like you needed to get back i'm like i'm going on there's so many people waiting for cabs but i just felt like everyone was just ignoring why like like you know when you're just like oh i didn't use these dodgy cabs yeah yeah and everybody else knew except us and we're just like dumb tourists. I was like, oh, no, because he said 60.

Yeah. And then we get into the cab. Yeah. Right, and he said, I'm just going to make a little stop off along the way. Uh-huh. And I was like, what for? He was like, for a pee?

He needed to go for a piss. Right, they that. And he's like, I'm just going to pull over at the side of the road somewhere, jump out, have a quick piss. So fucking alarm bell stuff right on my head. I'm like, he's just waiting around. He could have had a piss at of the road somewhere jump out have a quick piss so fucking alarm bell stuff right on my heat I'm like he's just

waiting around he could have had a piss at any point he didn't have a customer like now's your time to get a piss not when

there's a customer in if you're spending 60 pund on a ride you have to hang around his car he can't just

fucking like the whole thing about taxis you can't just leave it there and then fuck off and you can't just piss anywhere

in Amsterdam I don't know where he was going to go but like there was bars and like we just had a piss before we left you know everything was closed remember all the bars kicked in Amsterdam I don't know where he was going to go but like there was bars and like we just had a piss before we left aye

you know everything was closed remember all the bars kicked it was after 12 so for 60 euros you want the premium service not the I'm just going to

pop in one of my mates and have a cig aye right so I was like oh he's going to tick with somewhere

to get mugged because it's all the fucking posh formula one kids riding around with pockets full of money ones that didn't bat an eyelid when you overpriced them for a taxi right they were like oh these guys oh, he's going to tick us somewhere to get mugged because it's all the fucking posh Formula One kids riding around with pockets full of money. One's that different batten eyelid when you overprice them for a taxi.

They're like, oh, these guys have got wedge. I'm just going to stop off along the way. It'll be me or twos. And I'm like, I'm fucking texting Egan. We're going to get mugged here. Here we go, right? So we're driving along and he says this and I'm like, oh, that's a bit unusual.

But then again, I also fucking might need a piss. And then he locks the doors and I'm like, oh a bit unusual but then again I also fucking might need a piss and then he locks the doors and I'm like oh that's you know fair enough like it probably does

the amount of times I imagine people try the doors try the doors and also just do a runner like they get close enough to where they want to be

they get to a red light and then his passengers just open the door and fuck off and he's left with no fare like I bet that has happened. And also, bear in mind here, we're high as fuck.

Aye. Aye, but some of us can handle our shit. This is the difference between me and Ian in this situation, Daniel. Is I'm the one that has to sober up here. This is a me problem if he texts one of his pals. I'm not looking to Egan or what do we do to get rid of this. I'm the one that's fucking trying to stop muggers from mugging me I'm the one that's

like willing to rip off someone's fucking nose to not lose money in my pocket maybe that's why I was cabbed I'm the one that's

going to be going for somebody's eye socket in a minute and let them know that I'm mugging the wrong cunts I'm the one that's

going to have to do that stuff maybe that's why I felt confident because I'm just sat there I'm like that's fair enough he's probably just locking the doors there and I'm the one that's going to have to do that stuff Maybe that's why I felt confident Because I'm just sat there I'm like that's fair enough He's probably just locking the door And I'm just on my phone

Let me get the texts Oh no I don't even know what the texts were I can't even remember what the texts were I can't I don't know where are you So this first text Is set at quarter I can't, where are you? So this first text is said at quarter...

It's not the joke, it doesn't make sense here. So this first text comes at 20 past midnight. Don't trust this. Oh don't turn the music off don't trust this he's taking us to get mugged right and then I reply

think we're grand but at this point because I wasn't there was 2% 3% of my brain that was going this is dodgy and then the rest of me was going man you're on weed like you're fine like we're also we're in the center of amsterdam like you're not going to pick people up from the center of amsterdam when there's cameras fucking everywhere like yeah you might be able to rob us successfully murder us have sex

with our corpses whatever you do now that was on the table but you're gonna get caught though like because there's so many cameras if you're doing that scam you're doing it that was on the table but you're going to get caught though like because there's so many cameras if you're doing that scam you're doing it from a fucking back alley you're doing it from outside the centre so I'm like

it's probably the scam is that it's 60 euros yeah that was the scam I was getting mad about a scam that we'd already been part of

aye and then you went I'll watch the journey 60 euros is a con and then my way of testing because I was going because the thing is

you got paranoid because you've been in way more fights than I have and I'm like maybe I'm the naive person in this situation aye but it was still my first kidnapment

well yeah first time you've been the kidnapee aye aye yeah it was bad now the shoe's on the other foot so but now that you're

getting fucking paranoid I'm like oh god no. But now that you're getting fucking paranoid, I'm like, oh God. No, no, a car's just surely just being fucking paranoid. But my big test was just roll down the windows. Like if the windows roll down, it's just a car. Like they're not... Do you think that's your thing? Absolutely.

I can climb out a fucking window. Aye. Easy. Like if they pull the car over and it's a dodgy area and somebody's outside, the window? Absolutely. I can climb out a fucking window. Aye. Easy. Like, if they pull the car over and it's a dodgy area and somebody's outside, the window's down, I can flee easily.

Both of us can. That's an escape route. So do you think he was in the front there going, oh, I've discovered the windows, I'd better just drop them off? That's his only stipulation for whether somebody's

going to get mugged or not is whether they open the windows. All these poor, easily robbable people who were rolling down the windows because they were about to fucking spew. He's like, well, I can't. He didn't go for his pee in the end. He didn't. Which made me look like a fool because I was paranoid of pulling over

and then he just didn't pull over. Which tells me that he realised that he'd bitten off more than he could chew. I think maybe he sort of in that moment saw how high we were saw the fact that like he was like can you not eat in the car and we're like oh yeah sorry we'll wrap up we're clearly fucking stoned oh yeah i was like if he was going to muggle he could at least let we have a sandwich first that that that was what that was one of the things that actually calmed me doing is the fact he didn't want me to eat no that actually made me more paranoid because i'm like he doesn't want any of our fucking dna

anywhere on this car and if i'm sitting there chewing and salivating when they test his car for dna they're going to be like is that daniel sloss's spit all your slobbery crumbs are all over the seat they recognize it from sight they don't have the dna test smell it all right just get carter turn up and lick it and she's like aye, kebab and spliff that's him that's the man I love there he is I said yes, I knew what I was agreeing to and then

we drive all the way I think he just was like these two fucking they probably think I'm going to mug them I now realise the way I said things that they've gone so quiet they were very chatty outside it's 60 euros I'm going to swing by my mates aye they've got in the car

they're stoned normally people would have ran at that but the main point is obviously we were safe nothing happened at no point was any of Kai's fears going to happen but you did have a little whitey I did

you know what I sobered up a little bit I was ready what would you plan a bit right let me just give you a budget right so we're in the car obviously I fully agree with you by the way that it's your problem and also I don't know if you knew this or not but I had like 750 euros in me bag oh did you because in my head I was I was like, I got about 50 euros on me. I've obviously got 60 euros on me. I've got like 78 euros on me. I've got my phone and I've got a spliff. I'm like, and also like Marlena's at the hotel and she's got another,

like she's got like, we'll be fine. Like if we get mugged, I'll just give them me stuff. So 750, hi, that's a... So the reason for that is'll be fine Like if we get mugged I'll just give them me stuff So 750 high That's a So the reason for that Where the fuck do you get 750 euros from? You know just before lockdown

Aye I'd done the laughter lounge Oh okay And they pay in cash Okay And I never change my euros That I get off the laughter I thought you were going to say

I was driving a taxi The night before I knew the Formula 1 was on I mugged a few people It was just like Hey I just need to drop over here For a wee I didn't want to Have a wee wank At the side of the on I mugged a few people It was just like Yeah I just need to drop over here For a wee Have a wee wank

At the side of the road Hope you don't mind I didn't want to get hoisted By me own batard That's why I had such a white In the taxi So right He pulls

He pulls over Right He gets out For a piss He doesn't have a gun I don't imagine Did he stop for a piss? No he didn't

No no I'm giving you the hypothetical I was going to say If he stop for a piss no he didn't no no I'm giving you the hypothetical I was going to say if he stopped for a piss and I was just so paranoid that I missed it on your phone

I'm just texting you again this is bad he's going to pull over after you there just pissing he gets out of the car and like another person

turns up at the window with a knife what are you doing there like I'd be like are you going to use that leg a knife, what are you doing there? I'd be like, are you going to use that? Are you going to kill someone to get that money? Is that who you are? Are you threatening us with it?

And they'd be like, whatever the Dutch is for Pocwa. And then I'd try and keep this forward-brow, hostile approach that I didn't give a fuck about the knife right but also like very aware that he could thrust at any moment I'd like to think that he wasn't going to use it

right at this point by the way I'm already a clumber away from the car and I want him to know that his bluff's called that he's not going to use it you're not going to use that

I'm going to keep my money this is it this bit's over it's done it's not working also could you please still give us a lift I don't know where I am I've got no idea where I am I'm going to keep my money. This is it. This bit's over. It's done. It's not working. Also, could you please still give us a lift home?

I don't know where I am. I've got no idea where I am. I'm fucking here. Give us that. See, that's in trouble. Aye, I would have.

Aye, I'd be like, I'd feel a lot more confident. Natalie, I listened to this, right? Just for the sake of it, I'd run, I'd feel a lot more confident Natalie I listen to this right just for the sake of it I'd run as soon as I saw the twinkle of the blade baby but like I don't think

people that wield knives expect you to be able to kick right because you can have better range than the knife man with a foot with a push kick so you could like push them away as they come at you. And what they're going to do

is like fucking drop their knife hand and try and shave your leg. I reckon they'll just stab you in the neck. I reckon you can put, I reckon you can be alright as long as you can kick.

I didn't want to be in this situation because like, he's got a stab and he's got a chance of killing us. Aye. But I reckon like,

if you come at us with a knife and I just fucking push kick you, like your next move is just to swarm on you with a side kick your knife's gonna go and clatter

across the floor because you're gonna need it to stop yourself falling I think if you get into arm combat with a knife man

indeed right but if you get into leg combat with a knife man unless he can kick it out I reckon he'd just start kicking shit out of a knife wielder

just leg leg kicks the works just fucking how would you have this confidence without gear like have you listened to

anything you've just said like I reckon I reckon I reckon a knife's a disadvantage in a fight against me that's essentially what you're pitching I've got a kicker's chance in a knife fight I think I've got a disadvantage in a fight against me. That's essentially what you're pitching. I've got a kicker's chance in a knife fight.

I think I've got a kicker's chance in a knife fight. You're fucking mental. I do? This is... Natalie, you've got every right to be worried. He's going to get stabbed to death one day. I'm not. I'm not. Look, I'm going to ruin it.

We're going to go to fucking America. Some cunt's going to pull a gun on us and you're going to be like, oh, man, I bet he's not factoring in the fact that I know how to headbutt him nobody nobody with a gun

right his gun's right in my face he's not expecting me to just give him a fucking glass no no hold the gun I'll just do a backflip kick

catch up when it comes down couldn't even catch the shower chill when you choked the other day in the pool shower you choked the shower chill and I just

just patted it on sent it further what would actually happen is you would do I believe right sure I'll follow your fantasy long enough

that you can do a backflip kick no no I'm not backflipping kicking a gun right let's be real here here's what real is

here's my money here's my wallet here's my phone the passcode to both is this. Now, a man's got a knife, can't give you a wallet. A fucking push, kick him in the gut. Right, but what about his mate who's driven us there? Ah, you've got him.

I don't. He's got me in his arms. He's got a knife to my throat now. Genuinely, I feel like if someone pulled a knife on me I'd fucking have such a gut reaction

to want to tape them in the chest you're gonna die man this is see this is what this is exactly why I don't do any fucking

jujitsu I would hate to have this belief in my head because it would be my fucking downfall the reason I don't kick the shit out of people

is because I don't know how to kick the shit out of people and I know I'd get my head kicked in if I thought I could batter someone I would batter people

because there's people who need battered right like there's not enough justice in the world and I'll happily dish it out myself but that's wrong

and that's why I specifically do not train in anything. That's the part you don't want I don't want it, I can't have it I would be an evil superman 100% I would go around and I would use my laser eyes to like annihilate a good portion

of people I deemed evil society was just starting again, all the politicians cut in half I'm not sorry so you'd kill a bunch of politicians I can't have power because I would use it for

my own version of good but obviously my own version of good isn't everyone's version it's too chaotic I can't have power if you've been in fights you've kicked people's fucking heads and you're rationally going Aye But I can't have power If You I mean yeah

You've been in fights You've kicked people's fucking heads And you're rationally going I could beat somebody With a fucking knife Aye but I wouldn't do it I'd try and get the fuck out of there Aye

I would spend my wallet Or whatever right But I reckon I could Aye Like it's too high stakes to risk it Aye But I reckon most knife wielders They're not hard Aye that's why they've got a it Aye But I reckon most knife wielders They're not hard

Aye that's why they've got a knife You know I reckon somebody that was hard Would feel pretty confident Mugging you a regular tourist Without a weapon Aye Unless it's just for the shock factor

In which case Have you ever had a knife pulled on you I know you've pulled one on someone You fucking psychopath Yeah I never have I've had people be like because we grew up in Fife and

we were all fucking teenagers out drinking like other teenagers that you fucking hated in high school all the fucking cunts

from Methyl would fucking be like I've got a knife I'm gonna do it and you're like well I mean I'm not

gonna check but that was just their way of threatening you because they pretend to have a knife in their pocket I've seen

that before they probably didn't But also like Having a knife was Cool to the scum It was like Because like Wade Academy wasn't a fucking rough school

And Fife's rough But it's not like the roughest It's just You know It's no It's no the dark parts of Glasgow Aye But

You still get Fucking Wee jig boys We used to walk around the streets With little pellet guns That looked like guns Aye Aye Because we used to Fucking It didn't with little pellet guns that looked like guns. Aye.

Aye, because we used to fucking, it didn't hurt that much. Me and Rouge had a game once where we'd just fucking shoot my pellet guns at each other in the field. And like, we're left with a couple of welts on

we're here and there, but that could have been an eye problem, that. Aye. Aye. Are they still legal? Were they ever legal?

What, BB guns? The BB guns. G10, that was the name of mine. Like a little Gat Gun. You could put little slugs in them, which is like the kind of shuttlecock-shaped lead. Or you could put the ball bearings in.

Or those ones, aye. Yeah. I think, I mean, they must be legal, but I don't think you were meant to have them. Kids walking around the street strapped. Aye. Just like really, and you're all listening to a fucking walking around the street strapped aye just like really and you're all listening

to a fucking gangster rap and in your head you're like I mean this is these songs are about me it's about me growing up in Blythe with my wee fucking

spud gun I hear Teddy going so aye you got that off your chest about us having a whitey I did I thought it was very funny I just wanted

because Matty's been having a whitey for about three months now I thought it I just wanted because Matty's been having a whitey for about three months now I thought it would cheer him up I'm going to see Matty are you tomorrow to say goodbye

tomorrow I just kiss his heart goodbye aye is it his heart aye broken heart he's broken hearted

aye Arsenal aren't doing well this season Arsenal bottom of the league they can't handle it anymore he was rushed to hospital because he saw the sign as they made him aye just saw Tottenham top of the league Arsenal bottom of the league he can't handle it anymore he was rushed to hospital because he saw the sign as they made him just saw Tottenham

top of the league Arsenal bottom he's putting on a brave face which is rare because I've never seen Matty put on a brave face I've only ever seen him shit it at the earliest

possible opportunity he's usually quite the quite the he would have been he would have been out that window if he was in the taxi oh man

the pity in that car and then thank fucking god it was me with my stoned logic of no no it's just the money's the scam man Mattie would have been out that fucking window in a second surfing on the roof of the car

yeah just be like take care guys get 750 euros in this get him and just quickly give Mattie back the money I owe him Why are you seeing Matty tomorrow? Because I'm staying at his the night before We'll pick up Peggy Wait you pick up Peggy soon?

Peggy, Peggy soon Peggy Peggy soon Oh that's Peggy and Sue Yeah I'm aware you're stealing my cat's names So You're picking up Peggy and Sue on Tuesday

On Wednesday the 8th Alright So Tuesday Hold on I'm back a day I'm back a day Then I go to Matty's Stay there

And then I pick up Peggy and come back Aye So wait So Natalie's not Is Natalie going down with you Yes Right okay It's just because I was going to be like If you've got an extra couple of hours at the start And then I pick up Peggy And come back Aye So wait Is Natalie going down with you? Yes Right okay It's just because

I was going to be like If you've got an extra Couple of hours at the start To get the dog on your side Before she meets it But Aye yeah I'm going to be driving

And Natalie's going to be bonding Have you got like A puss for it already? I'm going to breastfeed it No no But just like To strap it into your chest Just if it gets

Tired or Anxious or Have you got a car seat for it? No No No I've got a crate A crate A crate

I've got a crate Trained as a puppy Oh you mean a crib Yeah Oh I've also got a Pen A pen Because we don't want to just like

Use the crate as Every time we leave the room But if Natalie wants to go for a pee She can put the Put Peggy in the pen With a few toys Because we're going to Keep our supervise Once she's Peggy in the pen With a few toys Because I'm going to keep my supervise Once she's out and about and that

I don't know what I'm doing I've been listening to Scott Mills' podcast Scott Mills? Scott Mills does a podcast about training a puppy Scott Mills of Radio 1? Of Radio 1, Scott Mills And they're just 10 minute episodes With a 3 minute advert for dog food

So because it's every 10 minutes I've been advertised to about they're just 10 minute episodes right with like a 3 minute advert for dog food so if you like because it's every 10 minutes I've been advertised to about what's it called again I forget what it's called doesn't work doesn't work

it's called butternut box butternut box oh mate fucking it comes I'm not going to use it butternut box

because I'm going to use oodles that's the one that the breed has recommended okay and we've got 25 kilograms of oodles in the house now Oodles What and 25 grams of the dog your size will last Six years

It's going to be a while It's going to be well out of date But Natalie's fucking Rehoost has turned into this dog thing I keep getting sent pictures of bits and bobs I keep getting notifications on my phone That me joint Monzo's spent money And I kept I keep getting like pictures of bits and bobs I keep getting notifications on my phone That me joint Monzo's spent money And I keep getting messages off Yodel

Saying that me dog mats arrived And dog nightlights arrived Is that a bit true? I don't know I wonder if you're going to have a baby monitor We're going to have a baby monitor we're going to have a DVD sorry it might be off YouTube but we're going to play

motorbike engine noises and fairway noises and stuff to train it to be just a bit harder oh right so you're just going to when you first get this puppy you're sticking it straight into Guantanamo Bay you're getting some fucking strobe lights as well I'm putting platoon on.

I'm going to put platoon on. This is horrible. Is that what you're meant to do, to train them to be fine with fireworks and stuff? Aye. Who said this? Someone who hates dogs? Did a cat tell you this?

Did a cat tell you that the best way to train a dog is to play sounds of fireworks? Yeah, and also if you just get the sounds of other dogs being murdered. You don't need lion noises. Yeah, all that stuff. Can you record it to Mother crying? Aye. And can you also film this and just put it up for use for just me and my mates?

Just so we're all dog trainers. I mean, I know we're cats, but... dog traders I mean I know we're cats but so I think that's

because you get a lot of stuff with the dog so what do you spend you want if it's a

dirty blanket dirty blanket it comes with a dirty blanket aye why because like it's been used

in the litter it smells of it's litter oh right ok so it's like a teddy bear used in the In the litter It smells of it's litter Oh right okay So it's like a It's a teddy bear It's the teddy bear For your teddy bear Aye

And we've Oh this is another thing That arrived when I was away A comfort dog That has a heartbeat What? A comfort A comfort toy

That has like A beating heart So it feels like It's been a companion Natalie I was like, oh, beating hard. So it feels like it's been confined in. This is the softest dog. The softest dog that's ever fucking lived. My fucking... They used to be wolves.

You have taken it so far away. It's got a little teddy bear with a heartbeat in it so it doesn't feel. Natalie's going to come home and I'm going to be on the couch

with the wrong dog. She's sleeping. She's been so well behaved. That teddy though destroyed your slippers. Honestly. It's shat all over the floor. It will not stop crying. I tried taking the batteries out. It's shot all over the floor. It will not stop crying.

I tried taking the batteries out, but I got shit all over me fingers. So basically, we're going to play loads of fireworks and motorbikes and fucking thunder and artillery shells, right? But we're going to be like, but look, he has like, he has a mate. That's like almost dead.

Like it's just, it's in its last moments of life. Like the heartbeat's there steady. Weak. It's not breathing. Come back and Peggy's trying to Peggy's trying to resuscitate it I don't know, I'm new to this stuff I'm just figuring it as I go I can't wait for the future

Because I want dogs in the future But the dogs I want I want German Shepherds And I want two German Shepherds And I will take them to do the fucking like the police

training we've booked us on a good citizen course what? is that what you mean that sort of stuff? no no

specifically I'm talking about like Cara's quite a small person and in the future we intend to have children and those will be

small people and I used to walk Lassie my half golden shepherd golden shepherd I know I got the wrong thing

German shepherd sounds like it was a half it sounds yeah yeah German shepherd but she wasn't a golden receiver I don't know what the other half was

maybe Alsatian anyway I used to be able to walk around with her also because Spife is safe in general but I felt fucking hard as nails because I had this fucking big dog

Aye but if you meet someone that can kick it Then it's all over for the dog So I want to get dogs that are like trained Not to fucking attack anyone But just if I go You know If someone they love is in danger Then they're not afraid to tear somebody else's throat out

But also trained so much That they're not afraid to tear somebody else's throat out But also Train so much that they don't You know They're not attacking fucking everyone You want them to be disciplined What are you taking your dog to? Good citizen school Just to be able to socialise

And be good around other dogs and other people Is it like a What's that? Prenatal classes? Is that essentially what it is? Oh no no no prenatals before the baby's born you daft cunt so it would just be nursery. You're taking your doctor. Have you looked at schools yet? Aye that's what we're doing, looking at little schools. I think they're at least having a little bit of bother getting them booked on. Aye. Because they... Well interracial parents, maybe they're not used to it in this Oh do you reckon she's been profiled

So one day we're like She went to book on And they were like We're not booking yet And then she went to ask back And they were like We're fully booked And like next month's October

And put your dog won't be a puppy then It'll be like the citizenship course Which is like the second one After the puppy So I kind of got on that And touched on the puppy one She was like Well can I do the puppy one so she's like in the minute she's just trying to win over somebody that's fully booked you know because you know what it's like in the suburbs

daniel who have i become i would love to if like how did this happen there's been one lockdown i come out the other end Nudad Completely nudad What the fuck has happened to me I'm kick the knife guy That's who I am Reliving the man you used to be I would love to If I had a time machine I'm not going back in time to kill Hitler

I just can't be bothered And also he might have a knife and I can't kick out his hands I'm going back With all of these podcasts and making 23-year-old you listen to them. And just because... I'd snap my own neck there and then on the spot. No.

I'd grab my chain, grab the top of my head. Hi, the podcast. It would just be me talking to myself on a podcast. You'd enter a wormhole. It would just be me doing my own fucking Bill Barr solo. Me and his, me undies. There's no more sweary taint to do do. So far we've advertised Butternut Box for Scott Mills and Me Undies for Bill Barr.

Butternut Box would be my name if I was a porn star. Eww. Eww. Ew Be my finishing move Because you know how poor stars Much like wrestlers Have finishing moves They do The pile driver Pete Arnolf

He was the one that could like Really throw a rope wasn't he Remember him Are we talking about a wrestler here No What do you mean by No No

He did some wrestling moves aye but there's not a wrestler em you know back in the day you just would know

your porn stars they'd be like this young generation they'd be like they'd have the name of their porn stars they'd be like Jenna Jameson

and what not aye she follows me on twitter does she aye wow she's also a mental Mental conspiracy theorist

Is she Aye Big Trump So anyway I just felt like There was just like There was enough to just Gnaw everybody's names

Aye And one of the male porn stars Was called Peter North Oh And he He was known for Slinging rope Is that a

He could throw a cable Oh because his dick was the cable I see. No, no, the spunk was the cable. But it's... He had lashings, he had lashings of sperm.

It would just keep going, Daniel. That's just... Sometimes I think you've done it in two shots. Two film shots or two... Two film shots. Two film shots.

Two film shots. Got you, got you. Just keep pumping Place it together Normally you feel inadequate Because of the cock size Aye But with that guy

You're just like Well you know what If that's what you Sorry You alright Aye Aye I am high you know

I know I could tell When you were explaining to me That you were going to Beat up some cunt With a knife Aye Probably wouldn't

Nah I'm just saying like I like If it was like A Groundhog Day scenario Yeah going to beat up some cunt with a knife I probably wouldn't nah I'm just saying like I like if it was like a groundhog day scenario yeah right is what I was

trying to get at how are you going to kick the shit out of a man with a knife if you're holding your scared little dog I'd throw the dog

at it well then the dog's dead aye keep me money oh no couldn't buy another one it's fucking

way expensive are you going to get it I fucking Way expensive Are you gonna get it As a girl So you get it spayed What does that mean again Getting it finally chopped off Oh do they have periods dogs Aye

I guess they do Yep So is Peggy gonna be Gonna run Leading on your stuff On a complain On a bootstrap No

She's gonna sink with Natalie Aye Yeah she will have periods And also She's gonna eat weird shit and you're gonna have to pull them out of her arse like she'll just eat a bit of fucking string and there'll be a little bit of poo that can't come out. Do you know this because of Cullen? Aye you've got to like put no no no Cullen sheds Cullen digests the whole thing. When you come in you just saw you just saw Cullen with like a little

bit of string hanging out of his mouth and you looked around and all the birthday bunting was gone. Just like a Y hanging out. It's the last bit. And then you just found a B hanging out of his bum. Hang him up myself. That would be an H, wouldn't it?

Aye, it would. That would be an H. Unless you just say the birthday button. The happy banner's still up there. Yeah. Depends how long your bunting is.

It always does. Well, well, well. We didn't write any dad jokes. Oh, I knew there was something we missed. Aye. So normally that's like when the podcast reaches an unsatisfying ending. No. We can sort of like hide behind.

Bring it back. Aye. Should we just do some dad stories then? Because you know how jokes used to be set a punchline, set a punchline and then Billy Connolly just changed the game.

Aye. And made it so that we could just tell stories and anecdotes and the punchlines would be in there. No, I think we can advertise the tour

as we're meant to do and also advertise the Patreon. But then again, I guess this... So if you just listen to this on Spotify and iTunes, then you can get an extra bonus episode every week by going to Patreon. And it's not always high.

It was only the last one was... The last one was super high. It's like a real Like But some people said They enjoyed it Aye Some people said

That's what they were here for Aye So if that's you Then sign on up Also Athens First show On the 13th of September

Is sold out The 14th is not Liverpool The 16th is sold out But the 15th is not Dundee Middlesbrough York Sheffield Ayr Inverness St Liverpool the 16th is sold out but the 15th is not Dundee, Middlesbrough, York

Sheffield, Ayr Inverness St Albans and Guildford and then Belgium and then America all available on what's my name?

Daniel Sloss .gov Athens we've never been to What's my name? Daniel Sloss Danielsloss.com Dot gov Dot gov Um Athens We've never been to I like it when we unlock A new territory

Because often Now that we're old Old hats Veterans of the travel game Um We're normally going back To places for the Second, third

Sometimes tenth time I'm worried about Athens I don't know Because again Just the How many expats It is Is it though? I don't know because again just the how many expats it is is it though

I don't know that's what we never know we'll find out when we're there I don't think it will be hope not I don't think it will be

and I think it's going to be one of them places where we're like dead surprised aye yeah I think em but I also think

the Greeks would hate have I do they hate us no I don't think so the italians i'm thinking of the italians also hate the brits yeah i don't know i don't think so i think they um there's quite big greek communities in in britain isn't that not all right there's loads and in australia yeah um because they've their fucking, they're a big community-based people.

I feel like their families, like the Italians. Aye. Family's the most important thing in the world. We all eat together. We all do this. We all do that. Aye, you're still super close

to like third cousins and that. Aye. Is that just us profiling? Do we know that? No, I know that. Are they like super... Also, that's not bad profiling. I don't think the Greeks

Are going to turn up And be like Do you tell me I love My fucking mother Huh? They're not going to be pissed off That we claim they were Family people

That's not That they love their relatives Aye Like they love their relatives Like mugs No but I do feel like With my limited knowledge

They would be the type To have like Massive weddings Aye With like Loads of people That they haven't seen for ages

from their family because like my big fat Greek wedding that's what you're talking about is that where I'm getting that from that is exactly where you're getting that from is that a propaganda piece

as it reelsies ask them ask them when you get there also just if anyone is going to Gibraltar at any point

do not call them Spain we didn't do that we didn't do that we didn't do that but we heard but Paloma Faith did Paloma Faith ah

walked on apparently she wouldn't let up either she kept like I know a lot of my best memories are in Spain I love being here

and they're like booing because she's calling them Spain which is just carrying on with the same monologue that she was gonna do because she's trying no no because she was like

no no like I'm saying nice things about where you're from and they're like, we're not fucking from there, motherfucker. And apparently she just couldn't let it go.

Aye. She got booed off stage. Don't do it. Between songs, just doing like five, six minutes of calling them Spanish. Aye. Which like,

we've got to tell us is like the same way you'd feel if like somebody got up in Scotland and started calling you London. Or England. Or England. Any part of it

we would I'd love to see that fucking happen Daniel Sloss from Scotland England should we go

play some board games do you want to play board games we've got board games oh no maybe I

just want to read my book you sound like you want to show a guy out of town no get more high no no we've got a gig today no we absolutely fucking shouldn't do that at all Maybe I just want to read my book. You sound like you want to show a guy out of town. No. Get more high.

No. No, we've got a gig today. No, we absolutely fucking shouldn't do that at all. I forgot about the gig. Aye, and we're right near the venue. We can go into town afterwards and get more high. Yeah. I'm fine with that happening.

But I feel like Amsterdam's going to be one of those places where people definitely bring us weed after the show. Yeah. Oh, yeah, we're probably going to be good for that. Aye. I imagine. So maybe we won't. We won't have to go very far. Right, that's the end of the podcast. Yeah. Oh, yeah, we're probably going to be good for that. Aye. I imagine. So maybe we won't. We won't have to go very far.

Right, that's the end of the podcast. We'll speak to you... Oh, end it early. That's with Nora. We've done another 20 minutes before this, you daft cunt. So we have. Forgot about that.

I was like, you're going to shortchange. I'm not sure. We've gone over. I've been trying to end this for 15 minutes. I've been trying to milk it. I can tell.

We've nothing else to talk about. We've filled our fucking time, you daft cunt. This isn't the joke. You need to watch Carburet Enthusiasm because you're getting it wrong. No, I'm not going to keep the flag going. It's not the bit.