Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.37 Bull Pizzle from Oodles

Episode Date: September 15, 2021

With lots to unpack the boys spend their reunion in Athens mostly covering Muggins' new dog and his newer haircut. Over running into 90 minute territory and leaving plenty of click bait cliff hangers for the PB sequel. 

Right, we're... Go on. I thought I was doing it. Aye. Why did you make me come over here to do the intro if I wasn't doing the fucking... I thought we were going to do a joint intro. Why? When have we ever done a joined intro?

Aye, that's a good point, Fudd. Come on. Am I doing it or are you doing it? We're doing a joint one. We're in Athens. Uh-huh. We had quite a lot to talk about. Yep.

Couldn't squeeze it all in Nope What are you, a Sambana? You've been off? What? This is so pointless The whole point is one of us does it To introduce

Are you aware then? Hi ladies and gentlemen Welcome to the podcast In today's episode we talk about being in Athens and then obviously most of the time we spend talking about Kai's new dog. Which I really love. Which he does very much love. And we overrun.

And not because it's good. I think it's pretty good you know Cara was it good? we were drunk rambling Cara says we were drunk rambling so maybe you know what bitch you could be more supportive you pull up with fucking pew if you can do any better

grab a mic pew pew bitch pew pew welcome to the podcast sloss and humphries on the road muggins and cream cream and muggins straight thugging living the dream that's our intro fucking muggles tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh they said it can't be done are we in the same seats? That's hack Oh, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss

Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? For those watching at home On the YouTube Or wherever we have these videos Where do we have these videos? You can watch this on Patreon,

and listen to it on Spotify or iTunes. Right, but if they're watching this, where do they watch it? I mean, it's posted on YouTube as a private link. Right. And they get the private link with their Patreon subscription, and then they can send it to literally anybody. They could send it out to that mailing list of 100,000 people.

Oh, so they're the cunt back in 1998 who knew how to chip the PS2 aye okay aye they could be a group of three mates

going to Pundit just kind of one of you get the link you know bootlegged aye god I hope we don't

have any fans of that working class there is an option you can put it on Vimeo and people have to be logged in to see it on Vimeo

but I just you know I think eventually if you need to do that just, you know what. I think eventually. If you need to do that, do that. You know what I mean? I wouldn't care that much. I think eventually we'll go free with the videos. But at the moment,

we should apologise to anyone watching on Patreon because it does. We are in a nice hotel. This is a nice hotel. It looks like a crack den. Aye. But only because we've took the photos down because it was glaring the lights back at you.

Yep. Look, get the photo, prove it. It was literally a painting Natalie. Look at that. There's me wife. It was hanging up behind her, but wherever we put the camera, wherever we put the lights,

we're not a professional outfit, but look, we've got a portable studio. What do you think Natalie looks like? I kinda. Aye. Aye, do you know? She's got a like okay i kinda why i do not a big thumbnail i just got a big thumbnail she's got nice full lips she's got big brown eyes she's been drawn onto some brown paper she's been drawn on to a brown bag just like she belongs um i was a bit apprehensive about this video and this podcast

Daniel I didn't like my haircut me neither I really didn't like it do you know what happened you went in and went try your best

they were like what number would you like and you were like I'll have a 3.4 just you know what make it up can you do instead of me giving you a number can you just do pi

all over my head and by the time you'd finish you were like oh no that's poo you did poo all over my head we'll let that one slayed i could have gone way i could have gone way worse instead he just did a number two in your head that was the easier way. I did a mathematical poo joke. That is true, and I do like maths. You do know how to appeal to us, even though I did pie you one time when you tried to appeal to me maths. Yeah, no, got that.

Thanks, mate, because he's hungry. So my hair cut. Aye. I went into the... Went into a new hairdresser, his first try? Look, I went into the... Went into a new hairdresser his first try? Look, I went into the hairdresser's and normally go in and the shutters were down.

Apparently not opening on a Saturday. Who? Hairdresser's shut on Saturday? You can only go in when you're at work, apparently. To my barbers. Aye.

Which is good for me because I'm fucking off through the day. Aye. Perfect for me, I walk in, fucking three o'clock on a Tuesday, can I have it, Barbara?

I do get proper cunty when anyone takes a Saturday off. That's not me. Aye. I'm like, what are you doing? What, you couldn't employ someone else? No wonder you're not a fucking franchise. And do you know why you're not a fucking franchise? It's because you're shut on a fucking Saturday.

Aye, why would you be shut when everyone else is off? That's when business is booming. Open it, fucking up. Employ someone fucking else. Why would you be shut when everyone else is off? That's when business is booming. Open it, fuck it up. Employ someone fucking else. This is unforgivable. This isn't capitalism. This isn't, like capitalism is meant to be.

This is churchism? Aye. This is fucking. This is meant to be open the entire fucking time. If capitalism was as good as it is fucking meant to be, you would be open

24 hours a day. There would be a different employee here and every eight hours they'd all have the same level of fucking energy. They'd all have the same level of fucking energy. They'd all be getting paid the same and they'd all have their own side businesses.

How is anything shut if there's people unemployed? Aye. Because that means there's job opportunity. Because you have to shut because you haven't got the manpower. Aye. It can't be because you didn't want business.

Right. Anyway, shutters were doing. And I went to the... And you went, fucking what I'll do is I'll open the shutter slightly and I'll put my fringe under and I'll just slam it down really hard and I'll chop my fringe off. And because it was at the hairdressers,

that'll count as going to the hairdressers. I'd done it with a broken bottle. What a shame you didn't have anything to drink afterwards the job you've done i've done it with a light on a can of deodorant fuck's sake man i went in this way you know when have you got anyone new is there like a trainee anywhere like is there anyone who's that who there anyone? Who's that cunt shearing the bush out of the back? I know he doesn't work here technically,

but he works within the business. You're employing him technically. Therefore, by osmosis, he must be a hairdresser. Can he do it? Get him drunk. Get him drunk. Spin him around ten times.

And just push him In the general direction With the scissors Fucking cunt man This cunt right I come in Geordie accent right It's pretty obvious

Where I'm from Right And I'm like I have a number four Back and sides And I get I get my fingers On the top of my head

And I'm like And get that Put that much off top And as I'm talking to him, couldn't look so at his phone on the shelf, I hadn't even noticed this, right? Celebrates the Man United goal

against Newcastle. Hold on, hold on, hold on. And I hate to do this, this isn't a dig, but which one? Ronaldo's first goal, opening goal, 44 minutes in,

whatever it was, right? I'm like, oh, that's against my team, that goal, 44 minutes in, whatever it was, right? I'm like, oh, that's against my team, that. Man United fan in Glasgow? Well, he was,

he was Turkish. And look, can I just put some I don't forgive him for that. Yeah, but however, Man United have got some Said the Chelsea fan

living in Edinburgh. Man United have got incredible reach. They've got massive communities of fans. Man, I agree. And this is the one thing I've always fucking...

Like, don't get me wrong. When I initially started fucking supporting Chelsea, I was absolutely a glory hunter because I was sick of supporting Hibs, East Fife and Scotland and I needed some joy in my life. And 14-year-old Daniel Sloss just decided that he was going to pick a fucking team

and it was going to be Chelsea. Jose Mourinho was in the paper a lot of the of the time like a lot of time and i was born in london and i was like that a lot and people go you're a glory hunter and i'm like fine man call me a fucking glory hunter but as long as as long as you go to africa and and to every single african child wearing a second or third hand bit of clothing That has Chelsea on it You go You glory You do the same thing To me That you do

The same thing to them That you do to me You glory hunting Little piece of shit You glory I don't understand I'm just I'm just trying to get

Support your local team man Go and fucking support Partizan El Congo Go and support The Ivory Coast Who actually They're playing on their Bare feet and that

Very good team And Trogba actually Ended a civil war That's a country That's a country though Isn't it It's not like a It's not like a local club

Well to be fair When Drogba Ended the civil war On the Ivory Coast I do actually think That was between The two local teams But I don't know

Who they were I'm going to assume I think we should look into that Because that's really interesting That That Didier Drogba just was like you know what

I love Gaza but he couldn't even stop Raul Mota Didier Drogba walked into guerrilla warfare and just went

lads man fishing chicken bag of beers and everyone just went, oh, Didier! Didier! For those that don't know, Ivory Coast was in a civil war and Didier Drogba, the Chelsea legend,

one of the greatest players to grace the Premier League, scored in 10 more finals than Thierry Henry did, who scored in zero finals in his entire career because he was a seasoned player and not a big game player the curse of the butler aye

aye he should have played for Tottenham actually now that I think about it not scoring in any single final Thierry Henry was truly a Tottenham player at heart

aye you know what he should have been in the same breath as like Ronaldo and Messi and all that if like you know

he turned up when anybody was watching but did you not see him score that hat against Like, Ronaldo and Messi and all that, if, like, you know, he turned up when anybody was watching. But did you not see him score that hat-trick against... He won a World Cup. I think Terry Henry scored. Did he win a World Cup? Yeah, of course he did. 98?

98, yeah. 98? Yeah. Was that Henry? Yeah. I'm really like... But you've said it in such a way now that I doubt... Hold on, let me google it

you've made me doubt myself now he absolutely was a world cup winner he definitely fucking was I don't know why I felt like he was like he must have been quite young at the time

I feel like he was a generation after that no no there he is there we go of course he is that's why I said it you know trust your instincts

trust your gut Humphries it's always been good to hear but he also didn't didn't score in that final no no he never does never scores in a final are we doing this podcast

just for Ryan Cullen just to make him square unless that's how this is Ryan Cullen doesn't listen to this podcast unless he's on it much like me Baldy

he has pricked up somewhere so I did hear a drug but that's just because we don't know what happened let's paint the

picture of what happened right like they were facing up against each other there was the ivory coast and the ivory

mainland were like either side of the battlefield and they were about to go in and then did

hear a drug but just rolled in between them on his clothes horse the elephant is the national animal of the Arabic coast so you've got to

his clothes elephant his clothes elephant you can dry loads of clothes on this so many clothes on a clothes elephant bye lots of magnate

and Liverpool shirts what got us onto this I'm in the barbers right he fucking celebrates a magnate goal and I'm like Lots of Man United and Liverpool shirts. What got us onto this? I'm in the Barbers. He fucking celebrated Man United goal and I'm like, you know what? Have your celebration. Ronaldo's big day and all that, right? I'm fucking chuffed we got 45 minutes.

We're nil-nil. Have it. I thought it was going to be worse than this. And I'm not if you just thought I was the enemy. But you know what? This is the thing being anti-racist is spotting racism in yourself and every time i walk into the turkish barbers i spot racism in myself oh man no no this is the racism this is what the racism is i'm like

and now i'm gonna ask for something and I'm gonna get whatever the fuck he gives everybody it's a weird racism but I knew what's gonna happen before I sat down in his swively chair right and I fucking get to that's when it's weirdly loaded that yellow swively chair my favorite thing about Turkish barbers is and I love them I love the efficiency of them. I love the speed of them. I love... Oh, you're in a route. At a cost. Aye, aye. I love the fact that they don't talk to you.

They don't care about your fucking day. They're not... They don't care about what team you support. Aye. They just, they do the... Now, but it is, it's random selection about what you want. But what I also love is there's just all these photos of haircuts

that they're not capable of doing never gonna do like they didn't do them we've got lads with crop circles on their head they're fucking

they're like hey here's here's Beckham's 1990 World Cup haircut and you're like can you do that

and they're like oh no. They've got filetes up there? It's just a haircut and we do haircuts. So it would be like going to a restaurant and just them showing you pictures

of meals that other restaurants do. And you're like, that looks class and they're like, we bet it is. Do you want a sandwich? No matter which one you point at, no matter which one you point at, no matter which one you point at,

you're going to get whatever the football chef makes every day for everybody. That's why I went for a Kurdish barber. My Kurdish barber. What's his name? Thank you. Cream. Creed. Creed.

He's a Kurdish barber. And I know he's Kurdish because I made the mistake of one time calling him Turkish and he nearly slipped he's like do you want a Turkish haircut is that what you want and he started

garroting my neck and cutting me fucking head off man calling a Kurd a Turk is like calling a Scotsman an Englishman it's just not on

but the reason I love Creed so much is I walk in he knows what I want well he knows what he wants to do to my head and he sits me down he doesn't say a fucking word

to me and then at the end he'll always go do you want your nose hair done and he'll get a lighter and a can of air salt and I'll scream and he'll go ha, gay and then let me leave for a fiver

I remember the one in Australia that made us open my mouth he was doing my hair and he was doing my eyebrows and he was like open your mouth

and open your mouth and you went what did you think I was going to do and then I watched him do the same joke on you and I didn't you didn't open your mouth

no that already happened that's how you have all your haircuts that's when he was dipping his comb. Keeping it wet. So the fucker, he'd done the four,

he went in with the four, the sides were good. In fact, the length that was on the top, when he'd done the four, I was like, I could work a way like that, actually. And then he took a bit off the top and I was like,

well, I did ask for some more for the top. And it does look arid now. And then he went back to the sides and took the sides down and then took the off the top and I was like well I did ask for some off the top and it does look arid now and then he went back to the sides and took the sides and then took the top and I was like I was too far gone

when I was like oh do I have to say when because when ages again when left youngs again oh fuck what's the past tense

of when oh fuck when is past tense fuck fuck damn it oh no where

what why oh no no where what why oh no it's whence whence when forth i'm like are you getting paid per ounce on how much i take off my head here because if so can you do me millionaires so it's one of them where they give you this is what this is what the day they'll go and

like it'll not just be like a flat tenner right it'll be like 12 quid because

you're super likely to go that's 15 keep the change creed gets 20 all the time

you know what I'm not adverse to the keep the change man I pay for speed I pay for speed from Creed I'm a dealer

he's also a dealer but when I used to do back in the day when I had to do fucking Adventures of Daniel they sent me to Vidal Sassoon because they wanted me

to get my fucking hair done properly there for TV and it took an hour and a half and it looked I'm going to say at the best six percent different than when i walked in and brushing your clothes sometimes oh it was the

fucking thing man all i want that like it's like a haircut should be like the prime airport experience right which is there's not a single fucking word said to you you walk in you show them a bit of information and they go uh-huh they take what they need to take and then you fuck off and that is it quick efficient done speaking to what why would i give you know what if you've got a rapport we aren't hairdress that when i was in london report with creed we don't say anything to each other uh yeah i used to have a good old catch-up with me a hairdresser i went when i was in london i do have a report with creed we don't say anything to each other uh yeah i used to have a good old catch up with me a hairdresser i went when i was in london i went to the tony and guy just was one of the closest ones i could trust her it cost us a bit more but she's done a great job of us and and plus you like you get a bit more of a hair wash and

the fucking heed scalp massage you know and they'll give you a head wank and that all right and i was in it for the fucking pamper day I had a spa day and I had a catch up with my pal I was willing to pay the extra bubble for that the extra what?

bubble? money? you've never carved money? bubble? never in my fucking life I didn't have that

I haven't told anyone actually I'm not going to question myself I've carved a bubble before I've heard people rouging that

I've carved a bubble of people who've never had money. Why are you trusting them to tell you? Double bubbles when you're on extra cash at work. You're on extra cash at work, you're on double bubble. Is that true? I don't know,

I've not struggled financially. You're fucking, yeah, I've got all the not struggled financially so I wouldn't you're fucking yeah I've got all the best tech in the game and you'll still find ways to clatter a bootleg

honestly fucking spend hundreds of our money on fucking sorting this tech I need to drink do you want me

to be happy you can do it just not at their expense so I knew he was going to charge us like 12 puns thinking I'd make them keep the change I was like fucking coon them three coins into my hand

I'd rather chuck them out of the road Than fucking put them in your pocket He held up the back of the mirror The mirror up at the back of the head I didn't even look at it I was like I've seen the front I've seen enough just let's move on to our next segment pincer nice nice sorry for tommy well i didn't you didn't know

i made new buttons i didn't know you made new buttons so now we're on the pincers like accidentally god jesus i feel like i feel like somebody that was trying to do a news report and then 9-11 happened. And you're like, oh, God, I had such a good story. I had such a scoop. But some... What do you think the news stories were on 9-11? I know exactly what they were. Because I was watching the videos yesterday.

I love watching 9-11 videos on 9-11. No, because the 9-11 news stories weren't 9-11. No, no, no. But when you watch the 9-11 news footage, if you watch the live coverage... You can see what they were talking about. Oh, man, man. There's you watch the 9-11 news footage, if you watch the live coverage... You can see what they were talking about when they cut away from it. Oh, man, man.

There's a bunch of people on CNN like, it's a beautiful morning, we're all out in the streets and we're talking about there's this big charity fair that we're doing. Yeah, we're about to hand you over to such and such

one of beauty pageants in our Latin. Like, everyone's about to have their moment in their son. And then George Bush and the rest of the Jews were like, do it, do it now. Send them in. send in the missiles disguised as airplanes fly them into the building destroy it they're about to send the cameras to the summer fade sorry i meant this section his girlfriend his girlfriend His girlfriend

His girlfriend Picked his dog Picked his dog His girlfriend Picked his dog His dog I fucking love my dog Die

I'd die for it I'm not exaggerating I've tried I tried killing myself I'll tell you how i feel you know how you get people that'll be like i don't believe in hypnotism hypnotism is fake everyone's hypnotism is fake and every hypnotist is a rapist bar none right so take you for example who has that stance on hypnotism that is not real and the only reason has that stance on hypnotism. That is not real. And the only reason hypnotism works,

hypnotism only works on people that are stupid enough to be hypnotized. Like there is genuine scientific studies, which is if you do not believe in hypnotism, it is impossible, impossible, regardless of how good, air quotes, hypnotist is, you cannot be hypnotised. It is directly related to how gullible and thick you are as a person. That is scientifically proven.

Anyone who believes in hypnosis is beyond stupid and every hypnotist is a rapist. Say it again. Preach. I agree with you, less violently. Less violently, but I'm on the same page. So take you, for example, and how you feel about hypnotism. Imagine how you would feel

if you just happened to find yourself on stage clucking like a chicken. That's how I feel about the way I've... Do you love your dog? I fucking love me dog. I fucking... She's fucking mint, man.

What a girl. Oh my god Peggy Short for pegs me in the arse Short for Margaret No short because she's got little legs Short because she's got tiny little cute little legs Aren't your legs clean She licks her legs

She licks her legs clean aye You know what Because we're potty training aye So you have to take her out like every hour Every time she sniffs the groin I'm sorry Potty training Well you know Teaching them how to shit outside the grub. I'm sorry, potty training?

Well, you know, teaching them how to shit outside. Right, right. Oh, yeah, I'm just trying to, I'm trying to be a bit of decorum, you know, in front of our guests.

Mm-hmm. So every time I bring her in, she licks her paws clean and I'm taking a route again all the time and I'm like, she's just finished. She licks her paws clean

before she comes in the house? Yeah, after she comes in. She comes in, just has like a little lick of her paws and that. Oh, I just, is that like her version Clean before she comes in the house After she comes in She comes in Just has like A little lick of a paws And that I just Is that like her version

Of like wiping her feet Because she doesn't know How to use a doormat Yeah Sometimes I give her a hand I get in with wet wipes I thought you meant You were licking her paws

Like one of those I'm not far off I'm not far off Licking her paws With that Yeah I won't lie I'll do that You watch the tennis

Oh we'll watch the tennis oh we watched the tennis the other day aye we're both watching the telly because she's watching it because it's fucking I'm watching it because there's a ball

aye and you're watching it because there's two teenage girls and you're like oh we're both interested look enough about Pervin on teenagers Playing tennis

More about me dog Aye Right Shall I start from the beginning Please do This is going to be A two hour podcast Uh huh

So we arrive at Humphreys Poo The The dog farm You know where they make The battery dogs The beautiful Bit of land Where the lovely people at Humphreys Poo create the bestest, goodest girls.

It would go in. And did either you or Natalie mention to them, you're like... Because it's so funny because our surname is... This is so funny, you should hear this. Our surname is this is so funny you should hear this our surname is Humphreys and we're getting a cavapoo and do you know what day it is?

do you know what day it is? it's our anniversary and you know because we got married in Ibiza our actual anniversary when we got the paper work done was the 23rd of June when Peggy was born so both

dates had the same name oh I hope you hate yourself I didn't

do that but that is how it lined up and I am going to the guy I grabbed him by the head

and I'm like I don't believe in fate or hypnosis Danny would kill me if he found that out this isn't meant to be but just enjoy the coincidence as an atheist you know how women should

enjoy astrology in that we just admit that we enjoy coincidences as opposed to being like, oh, it must be fate. That's what I'm doing right now. Yes. So yes, we did bring that up. And were they like... It was like, can I just get the money?

They were like, bring out number 7364 So they brought in 7364 Who I've now called Peggy And she was bleeding She was bleeding She was bleeding She had her period that young Oh mate

I whacked her And she had a little tussle With her lip I made And it accidentally happened She just cut her paw It wasn't much right But to be fair When you weigh 17 grams

And you lose 2 grams of blood Aye That is That's I reckon they measure Blood in litres Like a ninth of your body weight

Aye Not grams So It'd be weird if you're just Weighing blood That's not how doctors do it She's lost a lot of blood How much

Oh About a stone and a half doctors do it. She's lost a lot of blood. How much? Oh, I was stolen off. So she's got a pole and he's like, he's dealing with that and like he's he's dominant and she's like, just taking it well. But then he puts on Natalie's knee and she just starts trembling like a leaf frayed. And my whole thing wasn't like, oh, bless her, she's scared. It was like,

oh, for fuck's sake, Danny's right. Danny's right. I've paid, I've paid, I've corrected this two and a half grand for a coward. I could have just bought a mirror for a fiver and showed it to natalie at an angle pointing at me so um she was like trembling and then just something switched where she was just like i'm not scared now i'm cool and then just started like licking up with natalie and she was like you're'm not scared now I'm cool And then just started

Like licking up with Natalie And she was like You're cool You're fam You're gang gang You can stay Aye Oh she was speaking

The hard gangster language Was she Aye She kissed her teeth Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye

Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye Aye And then Put it on my knee She'd give it the same beans Had a little tremble for a bit

Aye And then give us a lick Is that right? And then We just had a little chat And all that And talked about like Care

How to go on Like feeding Potty training And all that Sort of Like you know Wait you're talking to the dog about this? Aye the guy who had left ages ago

And he's Fucking had a piece of me Sorry mate Sorry I thought you were like It's okay This is what we're talking to the dog about this Aye the guy had left ages ago And he's fucking had a place to be Sorry mate Sorry I thought you were like It's okay guys This is what we're going to do We're going to take you in the car

We're not going to put a seatbelt on you Because they don't take dogs You should be You should be dropping this down by the way Aye Do you Can you not write yet Aye just use your blood

Oh you've been thinking about bleeding My poor heart. So we get out of the car, right, and she says, all right, she's just confused. She's looking around like, I don't know what this is. I've never seen this alien world before. I'm being abducted, but I think you'll all agree that I'm handling it pretty well.

This is her internal monologue that I'm projecting upon her. And I'm driving along with the country roads, and Natalie's like, oh, she's licking me hand. And I look up, and she is licking Natalie's hand but Natalie hasn't had a look to watch the licking of the hand Poppy had spewed out her hand and was just eating it back up

Poppy did I call her Poppy? You did Call her Poppy Peggy That's a good way of doing it like if you spew up it is your responsibility to clean it up

and that is that is a that's a rule that not enough humans do a lot of humans just spew and then go that's the bar staff's problem so I try to like don't get me wrong I've never been at a bar

and spewed and gone leave the mop have you got a straw but that's why I try to spin it you know I like to spin I'm like this isn't like a a trembly spewy dog this is like a rugby lad

rugby lads would spew up into a pint glass and then down it aye this is a squaddy I've got a squaddy of a dog but it's not spewed because it was drunk

it spewed because it was nervous and scared of a car and if you were driving a car, driving at max 47 miles an hour. Like, I don't even think you can get travel sick at that speed. But Daniel, you and Natalie both know I can drive slow erratically.

It's a real skill. At one point, Peggy must have been looking at you she's like I've seen other dogs overtake us and not in cars I've seen people walk their dogs past us I thought this car was to try and get me closer to the stick

that somebody threw but somehow you've been slower than all the other dogs in my family. So just, it got out, basically what I'm saying is Peggy got out and walked and beat me home. And she guided you in like one of those air marshals. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop, stop. Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're going to hit the bin.

Can't you hit the bins? You hit the bins. Yeah, yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, stop, stop. Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're going to hit the car. You hit the bins. You hit the bins. So after the spew, she was fine.

Like, it was just kibble. It wasn't, it didn't, like, stink the carwood. It was kind of dry-ish, right? Like, I ended up hoovering it up. Like, it wasn't, it didn't create too much mess, right? But that, like, so that's one of your worries if you're travelling with a dog is it's going to do that. That was fucking out of the window.

And then she was just clasped, she was just, like, look and run, a bit confused, but, like, happy. And then we get into the house. You say that, like, if I, and again, I don't mean this is interrogatory, but if I had a real dog and a real dog had spewed in my car,

I would be worried about that. Your dog could explode and I could hoover up the mess. Oh yeah, like I wouldn't need to turn up... Everything's smaller here. If Peggy exploded, I would turn up at the Wolf's house and Harvey Keitel would understand,

get the flannel. Get the flannel. I'll just... Man, do you have a used toothbrush because that's how I'll get her off the road I know she was run over

I know you're traumatised but do you have like a teaspoon a teaspoon and just the rough end of a shoehorn

and that'll be enough so I get her back and we'll get out of the car and Natalie sits back and um we'll get we'll get out the car and natalie sits in the garden because we'll just take her into the garden straight away she's like she's gonna need a pee she's held on will you stop digging that man stop banging your glass do enough is it banging but i haven't got your headphones on here no don't sorry um i can't express to you how much i don't listen to the podcast even when it's happening

so when Ashley needs a pee so we're going in the garden thinking like she's never been on grass before it's like a new texture it's a new thing and she just stayed on Natalie's knee quite contently like oh this is where I live now this is my I live now.

This is my new reality that I'm accepting. And she stayed there for like a good 15 minutes before she started having a mooch around and going on the grass. And just from that moment onwards, just watching the lass grow in confidence and just explore and just discover new things. And she's just like, considering our thought, I'd picked up this trembly little spewy pooch. She's just got so much swagger.

She's got the biggest bowels I've ever seen on a lassie. She's got a heart. The way you talk about it. She's a gangster. Gangster? Let me tell you a little bit about it. Look, I'm making fun of you because of all previous I know you do

of course you do it's a fucking dog and that's not how we're going to sound like every other dog owner here who I've took the piss out of for like the

last five years of podcast five years of podcast which is the goodest girl of podcasting. But she's the goodest girl. So, let's talk about

some of the funny things she's done. Sure. Right. So, as we've mentioned before on the podcast, she grew up listening

to like loud noises and motorboat noises and fireworks and gunshots. Right. Right. She's not like... Just so she knew what would happen if and gunshots right she's not like just so she knew what would happen

if she was bad she's not easily startled like if you're if you're clattering a boot off a dog's barking next door motorboat guns buy out like that right

she'll have a look she's not deaf she'll look to see what's going on but she's not a fanny right and Natalie's like how am I gonna

how am I gonna work out in the kitchen now because this is where she works out every morning she's like I can't come into how am I going to work out in the kitchen now because this is where she works out every morning she's like I can't come into the kitchen and just start jumping around in the kitchen

yeah of course because even if you've got a well trained dog if you start being energetic around a dog the dog's like oh great what are we doing

we're like we're being energetic together and she's so underfoot she like she wants to be by me feet all of the time if i sit

down somewhere it's a matter of time before she comes and sits down at my feet and just looks up she's just preparing herself to be a slipper i she honestly she's just she's she's so content staring at us and like not makes you resent natalie not wanting anything she doesn't like sometimes you leave an offer or a treat and she's like nah i'm good just looking at you like it makes you resent Natalie not wanting anything she doesn't like sometimes she'll even offer her a treat and she's like nah I'm good just looking at you

she just looks at us she'll just get right over to me face sometimes I'll be on the couch and she'll be at the end of the couch I let her on the couch you can't not right this is the deal

if I haven't let her on the couch I'm spending the rest of my life on the floor you understand that right and she'll never jump up to be on the couch you scoop her up and put her there yourself she never wants she never wants for anything she never you can eat your dinner right next to her and she's not trying to get a piece of your dinner she's she doesn't want for shit all right but that's in the same way that if I were to arrive at a giant's house

and he was sitting on a couch and be like, there's no way I'm getting up on that fucking footstool and there's no way I can eat a potato that big. Plus, just why are you eating a scotch egg? I don't even like scotch eggs. Can you not get some good food so I can at least get excited by your meal? I don't know what's going to happen. Can you eat that and then spew that back up

and I'll let you know what I think because... Because I've never been at a dinner table in a friend's house who's got a dog without the dog coming and looking at your first scraps under the table, right? I've never seen a dog that doesn't do that. You've met terrible dogs. I've met every dog dog that doesn't do that now you've met terrible dogs

I've met every dog no no all of them I will tell you this one of the reasons I'm fucking so strict on what a dog should

be like is my mum and dad know how to train dogs like nothing else our dog dog Sooty who was

you met Sooty I know Sooty yeah Sooty was chill Sooty was great because Sooty, yeah. Sooty was chill. Sooty was great, because Sooty knew she wasn't allowed to jump up, but she also loved you very much. Aye, she kept whispering in my ear. Aye.

So what was it? If you came in the house, she wanted to... Because Sooty whispered in people's ears. Oh, because of the hand. I got it, I got it. Sorry, it took me a bit while. But you'd come in the house, and she'd be at the front door,

and she'd be so excited to see you, but she knows she's not allowed to jump up, so she'd run over to the stairs because she knew the loophole that if you were sitting down on the stairs, she was allowed to jump up because you're not standing. So you'd take your shoes off

and she'd just come over and be like, could you fucking hurry up and take your fucking shoes off so I can run over there and cuddle you? She was dead. Restrained. Restrained. I love restraining dogs.

She knew the rules. The thing was, Suiting was never allowed in the kitchen and she acted as if there was a fucking barrier there. She'd peer in occasionally, but would never dare for a fucking second step foot in the kitchen because the point of dogs

is they have to know their dogs. If you are raising a dog as a child you are desperate to be a parent but you don't love your partner enough to try and that's why you raise your dog like a child yes your dog like a dog and you're a dog owner and that's why that's why the question the question i was gonna ask is do they all start? They're not trying to get my food because they don't associate me sitting at a table with food. And me sitting down and eating. Well, of course, they're not stupid. They see the thing going into my mouth.

They're not dumb, right? But they've got their set meals. They've got their kibble that they have. They've got their treats that you give them occasionally, right? They don't get your food. The minute I start giving them my food, do they then see me eating my food and try and get some? giving them my food do they then see me eating my food

and try and get some could you come and throw a hand grenade into my house by coming in and giving Peggy a bit of a sandwich

and then all of a sudden I got a sandwich and then Peggy's like I remember this sandwich sustenance good potentially depends on the dog but it would also be

because I want to keep her this way whatever the fuck software she's got that makes her not give a fuck about what I'm eating that is some

fucking don't give her don't give her any scraps then that is premium dog software that leg make sure she

understands that her food is her food and your food is your food because I was prepared for I'm going to have to I'm going to have to try and tell her

every time I eat that leg John Mulaney before he stabbed his wife in the back used to have a really good bit about them training a dog together John Mulaney before he stabbed his wife in the back used to have a really good bit about them training a dog together

John Mullaney who does all the shows of Woody's beautiful loving caring wife did he do your number on that we don't know the reasons why they got divorced John Mullaney is a superb brilliant character he's one of my favourites genuinely

I can't name a single one of his specials that I don't enjoy. I think Big Mouth is exceptional. Aye. And I think it's such an important show. Like, I wish I... Enjoying his comedy really relied on him loving his wife. A little bit. Aye.

It was wholesome as fuck. Yep. You know? It's like, you know, Louis C.K.? His stuff was funny until he swings his dick at women and then you're like

ah that's not that funny anymore aye John Mulaney no I think John Mulaney we don't look

people are casting a lot of shades on John Mulaney aye and I don't know the bloke who am I to judge his fucking race

and also he's also he's a fucking he's an addict so I mean like and I think it's like booze I don't know this is right and also he's also he's a fucking he's an addict so I mean like and I think it's like

booze and coke and weirdly one of the mental health issues that still isn't like embraced by like people people have been looking at it

as like oh mental health issues as like druggy druggy like it still hasn't been any form of addiction

because people just it's got it's got to be people still think you're weak yeah it's got to be heroin or booze or they don't give a shit like it's

that thing of like oh man you're addicted to you're addicted to something that's non-addictive right they go it's just willpower

and you go well yeah kind of but you understand the whole point of addiction is like it's just willpower and you go well yeah kind of but you understand the whole point of addiction is like it's not logical that's the definition

of it can you start to see that I do have a problem with willpower if this is how I'm living my life he look

I'm just jealous that John Mulaney is a better comic than me and got to have sex with Olivia Munn. Is that,

I don't know who that is. You would know it if I showed you. Did you ever watch The Newsroom? Is that the one with Jeff Bridges? Not Jeff Bridges. Yes. Not Jeff Bridges. Yes, but I know exactly who you're talking about.

Jeff, Dumb and Dumber. Yes. Everyone's shouting it at the podcast. Yes. It's what they do. Jeff Dunham. Jeffrey Dunham. Jeffrey Dunham.

It's not Jeff. It's Jeffrey Dunham. I just agreed with you that Jeff Dunham.rey Dunham Geoffrey Dunham It's not It's Geoffrey Dunham I just agreed with you That Geoff Dunham Yeah he's in He's in He's in Dumb and Dumber With his puppet

Geoffrey Dunham Who is it though It's not Geoffrey Dunham They know his name They don't care We don't need to arrive there They'll work out Geoff

No God Bezos Geoff Bezos They don't care we don't need to arrive there they'll work out Jeff Bezos Jeff Bezos they don't care they'll work out we can move on she's Sloane in that and she's very very good I can't mind it oh well it's excellent

Dev Patel wasn't that as well wasn't he he was as was Alison something who is, and I don't like saying this because it's a cruel thing to say. What's an unattractive lady? She just has, she has two round of face. And every time she was on screen,

I was like, that's not, who let you be on television? You can't say someone's a munter anymore, but I still think it'll hold me head. Aye. Well, man,

my head's still going as munter. But this is when, it's not like, you know, but you feel bad, man, this is when fucking empathy comes in, right?

I, I, I didn't doubt that people have looked at me and thought munter. Aye. But I've also got that. Man, there's some people out there which is like we shouldn't don't just of course that hold on a minute no we shouldn't judge people based on their looks right we shouldn't judge people we should we should fucking be better that society as a society

but frank reberry is fucking ranted though he's a fucking ranted man that as a society but Frank Ribery is fucking ranted though he's a fucking ranted man that I shouldn't have to fucking look at and I shouldn't think that I shouldn't think that he's an ugly ugly man but I do beauty is subjective but when it's subjective

no it's not what I'm just saying is if it's subjective for the majority of people in the same very way then it starts becoming by proxy objective beauty is subjective to five percent of people it's like it's like most of us agree with what and they've done science experiments and blind people also find attractive people attractive and ugly people fucking ugly but one interesting thing we know about psychology is deep down your subconscious knows how attractive you

are and will only make you attracted to people in the same league as you which is why we're like oh you know there's no thing but beauty is people would love it to be like oh it's all done by the media it's not some people are fucking rancid to look at some people are genuine chores for the fucking eyes to look at yeah like you know you wouldn't you wouldn't fart and go and smell as a subjective hey look it's it's fine it's fine i just think... I just work on other parts of my character. Rebel Wilson is objectively rancid. You've met her. You've Zoomed her.

I've Zoomed her. Mm-hmm. Cara laughed so hard when she found I was going to... Didn't you? Cara laughed so hard when she found out that I was going to be on Graham Norton with Rebel Wilson because for three years of our relationship beforehand, any time Rebel Wilson was on television,

I would turn to Cara and go, I fucking hate Rebel Wilson. Being fat and ugly is not a talent. She's not a good actress, she's not a good singer, and she's not funny. Bridesmaids, to me, is one of the funniest movies in the world. It's very good. I think it's such a funny movie.

The least funny bit of that movie is every scene Rebel Wilson is in. Like, her whole character, it's like when Joey was at his worst. Aye. Right, so you just know how to play

beyond dumb. Aye. And also, you're horrendous to look at what happens. You're just embracing being the helper. Oh, God. And look, you're horrendous to look at what happens. You're just embracing being the helper. Oh, God. And look, I say this as not the most attractive man in the world.

I understand the irony that we both know that this is fucking steeped in, but... What was my point? Your dog. Speaking of ugly bitches. I was in the So, I was in the kitchen. Speaking of ugly bitches. I was in the kitchen. I was in the kitchen and Natalie was like, how am I going to do my workout?

This is where I do my workout and I'm going to excite her and she's going to be jumping up and if she gets under foot, because like I say, she just like, she wants to be at your feet all the time.

That's how I got her at the dinner table. She's at my feet, not jumping up for me, just chilling, just being close to her and that. And I was like, right,

let's just do a practice now she's in her dog bed and I'm like I start doing burpees and she's looking at us she's watching us doing burpees and that

I start doing pushups and she's like oh this is new I've never seen him do this before is this for me you're doing an impression of me

hold on what's this you're doing a deck you're doing a deck are you doing me are you getting wide what's this about do you want me to be you

just turn some space inside out pinkied I don't want to push my fucking eyes together do you want us to look like you just chewed all its fur off it's because of me haircut Do you want us to look like You just choose Alex Farrow It's because of my haircut I start doing star jumps And obviously that

Rocks the floorboards A little bit Like fucking Start getting the vibrations Of the star jumps And decide to join in Lep nub Lep nub

In a full fucking Springbok bounce Off the bed Landed in a full fucking springbok bounce off the bed landed in a water dish which to her is a full size Olympic

pool knee warning knee warning now to end full Tom Daley she was underwater for six seconds I had to rescue her

I had to remember my lifeguard training I had to remember my Concordia days. Fucking, I dived in. Nearly joined my cell. I was fully dressed. So I should have fucking jumped in the water.

I was fucking hilarious. Because who knew where she was just chilling, looking at us, watching us dancing. She's like, ah, fucking, I'm going to the water, me. Can't kill myself. Fucking living with this cunt. She was a couple of them where, oh, mate. I come in the first The first morning

Cause I was worried Because we leave her in the crate It's called a crate But let's be honest It's a fucking cage isn't it We'll put her in a cage All night And they didn't mind it

Like it's Don't Don't Don't listen to any fucking Any cunt out there That is fucking like Oh you can't put a dog in a cage, is a fucking terrible dog owner

that doesn't know dog shit about fucking dogs. Everybody asks us if she's a rescue. Just lying. Loaded questions. Just lying. I just can't, I do lie. I say that I fucking, I got it from a battery farm.

Yeah, man, why? I got it from an unethical breeder. Man, people, man, they just need to know. Man, every dog and pet we get in the future i'm telling people it's a rescue because it just saves when you're not rescued because i didn't want one with ptsd i didn't want a fucking damaged animal i wanted from a previous cunt and i i honestly i respect everybody that does it i fucking the world's a better place for everybody that does it the world needs the people that rescues dogs.

I want a dog with pristine software. I want a fresh dog. I want a fresh hard drive. I like them fucking, you know, it's, I want the dog to have the best start. Look, some of us go to cinemas and the rest of us go to Blockbuster, and that's fine, okay?

If you want a Blockbuster dog, have a Blockbuster dog. If it skips a couple of scenes halfway through, you'll be fucking grand. I'm watching it in 4D. I just don't understand, like, how if I decide to have a kid, like, nobody would be like,

so is it the first time, is it? The first I won. Aye. I'd be like, nah, nah, I brought a new one into the world, especially, like, when there's already ones in the world that are struggling. Like, anyway, I'm not getting into it because I really respect people that day.

Oh, I think anyone that rescues dogs is great, and they are objectively better than me, but I'm not going to let them know that. And that's why I'm going to lie to be amongst the ranks like feminists. I've been here before. I'm going to say the thing that gets me less in trouble. Yes. Rebel Wilson is a munter. Feminism. Hey, hey, hey, right. If you want to make it fair Let me think of a guy That's a fucking mutter

God there are none It's time for one of our sponsors Pinsa Ricketts Baldy You have ugly friends Why did you surround yourself Two of those were yours

Matty's quite handsome now Matty's Like you know what He's like He's like someone that Could have been handsome Can I Would you say Matty was handsome

I think Matty's handsome Yeah he's alright She says he's alright Is Matty that could have been handsome can i would you say matt was handsome i think matt is handsome yeah he's not right she says he's not right is matt hot not the worst you've ever been with what do you mean been with the full room all of the room

everybody else here what do you mean been with that was only in my dream do you think matt is's hotter than Danny? No What if he wasn't here, what would you say? Yes No, I didn't mean it

I know you didn't, I've seen Matty I've seen him in the wine dress before he closed because he got so badly burned Oh yeah, he did. He looked like a lobster. Hmm. Pincer! So, crate training.

I thought it was going to be a struggle because... Crate training? Crate training, because... You're training him to pick up crates? No, you put them in a crate that's when I was like that's how the whole thing started

I was like it's a cage so there's a pen which is the you can put like a mesh fence around that's the pen but I put that away

mostly it takes up a lot of space right but it's a good place you know if you just need to like pop somewhere like you need to go out with a post box

or something like that right put the pen out but the crate it's it's somewhere that it sleeps at night you put it's toys in there

you don't put any water or food in there put it's bed in there eventually we'll put the bed in it's about a shoe box size it's like enough room for it to turn around

comfortably right so a shoe box size enough room for it to turn around we're talking way smaller than a shoe box like come on we don't want it to turn around we're talking way smaller than a shoe box like come on we don't want it to piss where it stays because you know if it's if it's too big it'll piss in one side and stay in the other so you want it to be small it'll never piss where

it stays but if there's room it'll piss where it stays because it can stay somewhere else right yeah all right you sound like most american prison systems so anyway um i thought it was gonna be that like as soon as the door closes it's gonna be like oh fuck i'm trapped oh bastard ah crying all night we're upstairs trying to get the sleep gun different answer it otherwise it'll think cryingings us back and it works. And then all of a sudden it fucking cries all the time. I think it's a mistake I ever made with Cara. Aye. Any time she cried, I used to respond to it.

Now I just... Aye. Weep it out. Punch her in the tit. She can't show her dad the bruises. Not unless he's surprised to our OnlyFans. We're going to have to put this on Appearance Only. She's over there.

All right, I'll finish it. She's over there Alright that finishes Alright mate what drinks man Feminism Can we get a feminism Can we get a feminism button Keep telling you We'd have to have a woman on the podcast Or I'll not I know I keep wheeling Gene out every six months like the Republicans do every day

hey we don't hate black people there's one that runs in Georgia come on fucking get candy swords on oh my god so I thought that was going to be a hassle like put out of bed right so like chuck chuck i chuck our toys in the cage and that and she'll get in if i want to call and you shut the cage and she'll look around because like the clinking of the metal but she didn't flip out

um left the room and i heard her like she was making a couple of squeaks not like full blown crying on a couple of squeaks I could hear the cage rattling where she was maybe having a little bite of it and that and then when she realised

now what was happening she just chilled her beans and I just stayed there around the corner for a bit like this and I was like she's alright I went to bed

she was fine all night you were just like a dad dropping his kid off on the first day of school it's a bit like that aye I mean I've never had that but but I know exactly what they're

going through so i went i went downstairs in the morning i fucking i couldn't wait to get back downstairs i went we decided we're gonna go like christmas when you were young you were excited to wake up oh mate i feel like i can't get up in the morning there's no one can get us up i can have a fucking flight and i'll mash snooze until i'm fucking in trouble until my day is like an action movie until i knock at the door and go we're leaving five minutes ago like my my whole fucking day will start like a fucking literally like a chase scene in a in a in like mad max fury road right for us to just get that extra fucking inch of sleep out of now i decided to measure that sleeping imperial not not not length measurements not imperial already established

method of measuring time in minutes seconds and or hours yeah. Yeah, just an inch of sleep. So I had an extra inch of sleep. When I woke up and I had a dog at the guy on the stairs today, fuck, man, I had such a spring in my step. I ran down the stairs like a dog. And I got in, right? I'm just in my pyjama bottoms

because that's how I roll. I'm just a pyjama bottoms kind of guy. I let out a cage. Guy's in the fucking garden, has a pee and all that and I put up breakfast. She has a breakfast. What did she have for breakfast?

Kibble. Kibble? With a little bit of beef stew. Just, you know, the soft food. But not loads of it, just mixed in just to give it a bit of taste.

And text. My granddad's sloth, R.I.P., our old dog Lassie used to lose her fucking mind when my grandad would come down and visit, and we could never work out why. We walked her. We didn't treat Lassie badly, but we would walk her.

Maybe we wouldn't take her on as long walks as Grandpa Sloss did, but whenever Grandpa Sloss came down, she would lose her shit. What did he have in his pocket? He would microwave her meals for her. Heat them up? Would heat them up and stir in some wet... Unlock the flavours. So he would heat up the wet food

and then, in the microwave for like 30 seconds, and then stir in some of the biscuits and make sure it was cool enough, obviously, for a dog to eat because they've got different stomachs. And we just didn't work out. And my mum and dad... I feel like hot stuff's hotter for dogs. I had a coffee cup in my hand that was way cooler.

It was towards the end When you nearly ran out And she kept like licking me cup And like Recoiling That's hot You've got to remember Like

Dogs come from wolves And a fresh fucking kill Is steaming fucking hot It's got warm blood in it It's got warm It's all fucking hot So clearly By microwaving these meals

just something gives them a taste for you it was an Alsatian German shepherd fucking mix there was just something fucking oh god this is the best but my mum and my dad were like we're not microwaving a meal for a fucking dog like I can't bring myself to that stage But what I'm telling you is If you want to treat Peggy Oh when I come home If you want to get on fucking nuts when I come home Aye If I want to start getting points on Natalie on the slide

Natalie's got a couple of days on you at this point Aye And you must be devastated about that Nah I love them together Aye I fucking love seeing them together Also sorry I interrupted your Fucking thing there

With The food Yeah Alright so Start the day This is my first full day In the house Yeah

With Peggy Right And she hasn't peed in her crate She goes inside For her first pee She eats all her dinner We have our breakfast We do our jumping up

Right And then I fucking Scoop her up And sit on the couch Didn't have a top on You or the dog? The dog never has a top on Well

But it could have a top on If it went to Daniel the dog The dog tried to breastfeed out me nipple It sucked me nipple It instantly leaned into my nipple. It thought I was King Charles Spaniel III. Puck at its lips.

Nay teeth. Nay teeth. It's not teeth. Oh, clearly Mammy must have fucking yelped if she used her teeth. Does your dog not have teeth? It has teeth, but not when it's breastfeeding.

No old licks and lips. But it just retracts them? It's just like you know I put a palm out for a dog and it's like it would lick

without teeth in is it breastfeeding or was it just licking your nipple it went for it might lick my nipple but however it vialed the spots

like what oh wonder what it was you were trying to get out of that I wonder what pattern forming you've done to make you think

you're going to get a healthy protein a snack out of the old titty here. Couldn't try it at breastfeeding. I thought it was a dog. I thought it was a mammy. It was like, oh, normally mum's got six nipples down there, but that would require a six pack.

Oh, no, never mind. I had two pack. Made me sell cool. Somehow made me sell cool for having two nipples. I had two pack. Ambitions of a writer. Somehow made me so cool for having two nipples. I have two pack. I, yeah. Ambitions of a writer. So, I try to breastfeed others.

She chews on a bull's cock. Mm-hmm. No. It's called bullpizzle. Bullpizzle? Mm-hmm. You get it from oodles. Hold on.

Tell me that whole sentence again. You get bullpizzle from oodles Hold on Tell me that whole sentence again You get bullpizzle from oodles Bullpizzle Bullpenis But is it legitimately What it says on the fucking tin Danny It's a bulls cock She loves the bull's cock. But is it called Bull Pizzle?

Bull Pizzle. Is that the brand name? The brand is Oodles. And the item is Bull Pizzle. And she slobbers all over it. And I'll pick it up and I'll have this slimy salivorous bull penis and I'll underarm it

into a cage this is revenge for Pamplona and I'll feed it to my tiny dog so here's me going ooh

she might get a taste for penis and I'll be going to the bathroom in the middle of the night with her fucking hard on from shagging and she might jump up and bang me penis.

No, no, she tried to breastfeed us. I've got this bull penis here just to give her a taste for it. So, Mai, feel free to come round whenever you want. You'll be safe. Nay, danger. Pinsir! Come round.

Bull pizzle. Bull pizzle. There's no way it's called that. It is. Bullpizzle Bullpizzle There's no way it's called that It is It is You're going to take me Unless I haven't looked at the pack

Unless Natalie made up a belt I'll lie Unless Natalie is spinning me a belt A yarn Bullpizzle And you've got to You've got to let her have it You can buy bullpizzle

If she's made that up You've got to let her have it you can buy bullpizzle if she's made that up you've got to let her have it like but it sounds like when you're having a stroke and you just you don't know you're having a stroke

but you hear words slightly differently oh my dog eats bullpizzle from noodles what did you what you speak Norwegian I was saying

she eats bull penis from littles oh okay say it again Bull pizzle from Liddles So anyway it's just choking on a bull pizzle And also

Not to make this too graphic But a bull penis is longer Than the length of your dog No no it's about 6 inches Also God if you're watching If you're watching on the camera, Kai's impression of what six inches means, he must have told Natalie that you had half an inch cock.

Six fucking inches, baby. She digs it all. I've done the joke wrong, wrong didn't i i was meant to go six inches six inches oh did i ever tell you about me you know when we're talking about your most used dad joke no and like it's like i'm gonna jump in the shower well you should step in carefully my most used dad joke is that i pretend loads of times passed after i'm shagged out like i'll be like 11 o'clock at night when we start and when we're finished i'll be like oh fuck me flight and i'll pretend to pack and i'll fucking over commit I over commit all the time like

oh fucking hell it's six you've got work even though it's like three minutes past eleven that's the joke great

I enjoy that that's a fun joke it's a fun joke I like you know I let the moment pass I didn't just dive in I mean

over share with my sex life, yeah. But Natalie started doing this thing where she'll just get afterwards, like, shortly after I finished, she'll get bored. Bored. It wasn't if she went went who was that you know when someone leaves the dynamic

who was that anyway overshare me and Cara don't have any sex banners she just leaves a 50p on me

back for the next guy next use of the table alright do we have any fun having sex do we have any fun having sex?

Do we have any fun having sex? Fun? Fun? You fell asleep reading a book the other day during sex She did in one of the most adorable moments of her life we were in Santa really

because you've spoken so much about her dog I guess we'll talk about it in the Patreon episode adorable fucking moments of my life we were in Santorini which because you've spoken so much about our dog I guess we'll talk about it in the Patreon episode

yeah I'll do aye we'll talk about it in the next episode but we were in bed yeah let's

just make a long episode have we got enough battery on this because I haven't got it all plugged in

I think we do but also Cara is trying to go to sleep Cara shut up I'll tell you what Cara is trying to go to sleep. Cara, shut up. I'll tell you what you're trying to do. Oh my God,

if you answer back to me one more time. You're not trying very hard to sleep, are you? Aye, because I'll fucking choke you out. We can help you. We can help you get to sleep if you want. Hit that watch out, you Only your only fans just so you know she's

laughing at these jokes and aye aye we went to Santorini

we had probably one of the best holidays I've ever had it looked

very good it was it good it was it was it was unbelievable it did look glorious oh man

I can't express how just what a beautiful it's such a small island

like the 20,000 people live there at most and I suppose like they've priced out

my lot aye aye is that why you're like you get any of the riff raff there like no there were And I suppose they've priced out my lot. Aye, aye. Is that why you're like this? You get any of the riffraff there, like? No. There were no statues. There was no, like, the only hen-doos were there were like...

Pincer! The only hen-doos there were divorcee hen-doos, where it's like, Clar Clarissa you're better than him look at this look at the world. Is a divorcee Hindu like it's the divorce party or it's the second marriage in an Afghan lodge

and they're a bit long in the tooth for a trip to Zante. The guy that took us from the airport to where we were staying was just like there are three types of people that come to Santorini they are new couples I hate the thing

you fucking hypocrite they're new couples they're old couples with kids and nobody brings kids over the age of 13 because nobody

no teenager wants to be on Santorini with their parents nah because it's just so beautiful and nice that it's just there to fucking relax. Yeah. They're like, oh, in Thera you can, there's nightclubs.

Man, we saw the nightclubs and they had a capacity of maybe 17 people. They all closed at midnight. This is a bunch of people that booked the wrong holiday. But there's also, he's like, you don't get any lad groups coming out here But you do get lots of groups of girls coming out here We were just laughing so it's like sad single girls

That are like We don't need no man We come out here to enjoy the beauty Of the sea and the ocean Um So they're coming out not to get hassled you mean Yeah yeah and you don't get hassled Man it was one of the most peaceful things I've ever experienced.

Where did I start the story? You were going to tell a story about it in Santorini. So you were telling us about your holiday, but you were going to tell us a particular thing. Was it like 10 minutes into the holiday or something? Tell me more, Carrie. You're giving me clues. Oh, the book reading. and tell us a particular thing. Was it like 10 minutes into the holiday or something? Was it? Go on, tell me more, Carrie. You're giving me clues.

Oh, the book reading. I've fallen asleep in the book. So we have long days where we sort of like, that joyous thing of a holiday where you wake up when you want to wake up. There's no alarm set. Like it's the sun comes through the fucking windows. Eat when you want to eat.

Eat when you're hungry. Aye. We go out. you do always settle into a pattern though on them holders yep like it's funny because you're like

I've got all the fucking freedom in the world and then all of a sudden you find yourself in like a routine that you like yeah and I'm drinking

because I can drink and Cara's not drinking for reasons we'll reveal in the next podcast on the Patreon episode and we I go out Patreon episode and we both go out during the day, it's sunny

it's hot but it's like a nice level of hot there are so many stray cats there that Cara cheated on Ray, I'm going to say a minimum of 15 times

if cats can smell as well as we think we can smell when Cara on Ray I'm going to say a minimum of 15 times saw the videos like if if cats can smell as well as we think we can smell when Canna goes back that's a very bitter fat cat

that's going to be like oh she was touching so much homeless pussy I thought it was Elliot Steel and Ibiza write that in your next book Say the past count

Get that done you Get that done you Aye Aye Oh sorry Did you not get a second book Commissions you count I'm tired But I'm dying

but I'm currently reading Red Rising and I know I spoke about it briefly in the last podcast I got so into the books so into the books they're such a good

I always thought I preferred my fantasy like old school like orcs magic shit whereas Red Rising is more futuristic maybe you need to read a couple of the normal standard ones for you to enjoy that one just to break the concept a little bit

if you're like me and you like the old school fantasy where it's magic and wizards and stuff, Red Rising, I would say, is the perfect introduction to sci-fi, which I've never really been that fucking interested in, because it combines Greeks and Romans culture and stuff with future. Anyway, I read the first book. I adored it, like to the point where I'm desperate to finish the books just so I can read the first one.

I don't really want to read the second and third one again. You've been reading like mad at the minute as well. You've been like chewing through books. Because there was, there was,

there's the occasion I go through things where I, I'm so desperately trying to better myself. Like, but I really struggle to better myself

because it's really hard to read factual books all the time i find factual books so interesting but i can only read them for like an hour and then i need a fucking break where if it's fantasy i can fucking chew through it in fact i have fantasy still better man fantasy still living your life through the lens of somebody else if that person's fictional you're still going through the empathy of like living another character's existence all right but it doesn't it increases your language and i'm fine with that but it doesn't increase your knowledge your knowledge which is an important thing to me as somebody

who unless your knowledge is a fantasy books and then you can talk all day about it no but that's not real no i always fall out you know if like somebody's like talking about politics and you don't know much about politics, and then you go, oh, do you see the football on the weekend? And then they'll just dismiss it and go, oh, no, I don't really watch the football. And you're like, I didn't just dismiss you when you talked about politics. Like, I've got knowledge, I've got intelligence, but I just apply it to a different thing.

And just because my thing you don't decide has value. Anyone that's into politics even if you're hugely into politics even if you're a Labour voter you're a Tory. You know what, I kind of get it too. The more I delve into politics the more I get upset with people who I usually like. So to stay out of politics

is really healing for my friendships and relationships. Anyway. Red Rising. Celtics is really healing for my friendships. Aye. And relationships. Anyway. Yes. Red Rising. There's one bit in the third book where something happens and I got so angry. So angry to the point where I fucking put the book down and I say, Cara, we're going for lunch.

And I'm not. And I'm 85% of the book. Like, Kindle tells me. Angry like Red Wedding, Everybody Who You Love Dies. Oh, yes. In fact, angrier, because Red Wedding happened in fucking book three out of nine, allegedly. So I knew there was a future.

Whereas Red Rising is like a trilogy, which is itself, and then there's another trilogy afterwards, which is the same universe but sometime afterwards. But you can comfortably enjoy the first trilogy and not move on. We are 85% into the first book, and something happens, and I am white-hot with rage. Like, I'm screaming. I'm not finishing the book.

Like, the author has fucked it he's fucked it so royally and so badly you used the wrong there it's t-h-e-i-r not t-h-e-r-e but but i i as you say i read a fair bit when i get fantasy the reason Cara reads less than me is because Cara when she reads just reads until a book is done like it's it's a one setting sort of thing

like if she gets into a book you don't have a bookmark you just got a day in the morning pretty much you can't do that like it's madness

that's like getting that's like getting in the weekly shop and trying to just plough it into one meal but she gets so into the book like

and like I think I get into the books with the fucking passion like the rage I feel but like she will

just fucking chew through a book until it's done because she has to know what happened so she so that's why

you don't read as often because like it's too much of a mouthful yes because I say that I'm like why don't you get a book for a holiday? She's like, we're only there for two days,

and I want to spend time with you. And I'm like, why don't you read the rest of the book at home? She's like, mm-mm. If I start reading the book, I'm going to finish the fucking book. I convince her. I'm like, look, we're away for four days. We've got our own time together. I'm loving the book series I'm reading,

so I'm going to want plenty of of time she picks up a book and i'm just in bed and i'm reading and i've genuinely never in my life experienced somebody falling asleep during a book falling asleep during a movie i've done it i've seen you do it because you close your eyes and the movie keeps going it's still in your head you can hear you you're getting 50 40 30 if you want to yeah a dwindling percentage of the movie is sinking in but you're still and you're when you're reading open your eyes and you can be like okay well i don't need to if i hear the lyrics of the scene i don't need to know the dialogue so i of the scene I don't need to know the dialogue sorry not the lyrics

if I hear the dialogue of a scene you said lyrics though now I get it because you're reading a book right and you'll get to the end of a chapter

and you'll be like oh fucking I didn't read the last couple of pages and you'll go back and you'll get a paragraph in and you're a bit more conscious of it this time

because you missed it last time and you're like none of it's sinking in I'm going to's how that's how falling asleep in a book works a hundred but that's how i do it i go i'm not paying attention anymore like i will stop half mid-sentence and go too tired and i know tomorrow i'll just go back two pages and i'll fucking catch up in bed we're snuggling together it's one of those lovely moments on holiday. And Sancho, man,

Sancho is one of the most peaceful places I've ever been. Even when it's busy up on the road, it is a level of calm silence. Yeah, looking out at the ocean, and the ocean isn't just, as it were, like water sports and boats. There's no beaches. Well, this is where you are at camp.

There's not a beach because you're on a cliff face. Oh, yeah. I had a bit like that in, I mean, Honeymoon in Mauritius. The balcony of our room was facing onto like just a rock edge and then the sea. So there was a shower on the balcony

and you would just shower naked because you had privacy because there's just a whole world of nothingness. Oh, if you want to go to a beach in Santorini there are three amazing beaches and they're all on the south side of the island if you're on the north side of the island it's cliff cliff faces or docks and that's it man so it's just so peaceful and was just sat there in beds and in a look over and I'm just reading together and I'm like what an, and I'm just, we're reading together, and I'm like, what an adult relationship that I'm in. And I used to shit all over adult relationships.

I used to fucking really diminish these relationships where we were just so comfortable in each other that you could just be in each other's presence. I'm like, oh, well, you just sit reading books together. I know that I'm older. Love that. It's way better. What are you out there?

Desperately hounding pussy because your parents or your life doesn't give you enough love that you have to find it from the company of a fucking tree. And I'm not diminishing that. If you're out there doing that, live that life. That's a good fucking life.

I just want you to know. Send us pictures. Don't do it forever. Don't do it forever. It's a fucking good life To live for a time Right So what you weren't In your relationship

Was like what we have on tour Just sitting in bed Reading a book Got my glasses on I'd sit there Like what an adult relationship We're in God she's not

She's a slow reader I know she's stupid Aye but I haven't heard that page turn away She hasn't She hasn't stuck half a gun in my mouth To turn the page in a while Man She's just

Asleep reading a book She's doing it now She's awake Oh, she's awake I couldn't see I couldn't see her eyes for the pillow But she was just so She'd literally

fallen asleep I can't fathom that it threw you for a loop no like I've seen it happen so I know it's real but just but look what am I

the big difference between me and Cara that I learned early on in the relationship was when I started going to therapy after the fucking extra, right? And when I'm in therapy, I start getting to the bottom of a lot of my anxieties, a lot of my fears, a lot of my, as much as, you know, I've got this fucking bravado and confidence, which is true. And it's me, like, I know what I'm good at, and I know what I'm... But because I know what... You're shy away from things you're not good at.

Yes. Because I know what I'm very good at, I know my weak spots as well. Or not even shy away from things you're not good at. Say the things you're not good at are shit, and people are doing a cunt. Because I've got to diminish it for my own fucking call so

I go to a couple of fucking therapy sessions I in a time in my life when I'm being sober as well so we're getting

to all these and because big thing in my relationship is I want to be honest with Cara all of the time no matter how bad

the honesty is I want her to know every part of me if you don't like a dress you want't like her dress you want to tell her if her arse does look big in it which

and it looks massive she's got a big fat arse she needs to know she's got a big fat arse and I love shagging it I love shagging it what's that all that's the Scottish porno

it's the horrible Scottish it's the horrible Scottish it's not the porno it's the whatsapp messages isn't it the voice memos no no no that's the horrible Scottish It's not the porno It's the WhatsApp messages isn't it No no no that's the Aberdonian guy Do you remember the Aberdonian guy Yeah but Hammies

Hammies Can we get that on the buttons for the next podcast We can Scottish porn on the buttons for the next podcast The Scottish threesome is the two squaddies That are fucking the Scottish lass And at one point she's like you've got a fat arse And I love shagging it

It's just one of the ones It's all just matter of fact There's no Shakespeare in it It's just It's just run Have you burst So It's just Ron It's just Ron Have you burst So

I've lost my train of thought You've got a fat arse You love shagging it I do I do She falls asleep reading books No no That was it

Yes Right so So I'm going to therapy And I Because I want to be honest with her And I want her to know Exactly how my mind works Because

One of the I'm very privileged to be in a room I don't know how to tell you still love her sister but hate my own I want to be honest with her all the way through so whenever I come back from February I want to tell her what I've learned about myself and all these things and I'll just pour out

it'll be like so it turns out I'm anxious about this turns out I've got about myself and all these things. And I'll just pour out, it'll be like, so it turns out I'm anxious about this. Turns out I've got all my fears about this. And then fucking COVID kicks off and I'm still in therapy, which really helps me through COVID because I'm talking about my anxieties of COVID. I'm talking about my feelings of self-worth during COVID. It's a real soul-searching.

Aye, and I'm telling kind of all of these. All your discoveries. Aye, all of these fears. And just because we're in a relationship I'm like do you you know do you ever feel

anything like this and she just goes I guess I've just got a quiet brain peacefully there I'm just like isn't that great it's just

it's not she's just happy and it's way better isn't that the goal yes isn't that the goal? Yes. Isn't that the singularity that everyone's trying to achieve? He was a narcissist, egocentrics, God complex motherfucker.

Was one of the most, when I'm just like, here's all my affairs. And she listens and she cares because they're my things and she wants to take them on board. But then when I'm like, and you feel the same way, and she's like, no, just SpongeBob music. Just most of the time. Up there, real good, dead happy, aye. Yeah, just got me cat.

Me big fat cat and me big bald Cullen. Baldie! and me big fat cat and me big bald Colin baldy I love it so we've done we've done which is like two hours isn't it exactly I've still got loads

to talk about It's 10 past midnight So let's just do this then This is part one I fucking had a Traumatic experience today Oh yeah on the plane Like my flight got redirected

Because somebody died On the flight and it's not a big plane It's not like it happened at the other end of the fucking you're on this long haul flight it was like a typical internal flight I was watching blokes deceit me honest don't give too much away

I'm not going to clickbait people with fucking someone's dead body yes we are we are if we've learned anything from Have A Word, it's how to clickbait. If you want to find out how Kai let somebody die in his flight, that's right, let.

Let. So, Alcalis, best episode yet. Fire emojis. You'll never believe what happened with Kai's dog. Also, I've got way more to talk about my dog. Aye. And I've also got some news. Are you clickbaiting the wee news?

Yes. It's pretty cool news, mate. Not as good as the dog but it's not some paw no it's not quite as good as my dog we don't have to do that jokes look they they stayed for a hundred and twenty three minutes that's it no one hour and twenty three minutes 123 minutes would actually be two hours like you said That was the joke Automitating life Oh I didn't know

You did math But of course You like math I see Yes So right Come back Thursday We're gonna

Cause Danny McDog Had a huff with us And I was worried That I'd A huff A huff We'll let that one

slide now one at the beginning one at the end everyone does shit jokes twice once on the way up once on the way down it's like panto

explain Peter K's entire career garlic with bread oh you know I was tired of it that day

about you know how I had the translators on sign language translators in America, in Edinburgh, various gigs. In Rush Hour, I had the translator. Imagine translating Peter Kay's garlic bread routine so the deaf person sat there without the performance,

without the performance, they're just getting the words. Garlic with the bread. Here's the big fucking proof to me and i look i don't say this from an arrogant spot as being one of the very few british comedians who's actually cracked america uh one of one of two i but like you know it's it's like when the pk is like oh he sells out wembley does this i'm like you know it's like when Peter Kay they're like oh he sells out

Wembley does this I'm like you know how literally no other country in the world gives a piping wet

hot shit like people in other countries they know about Michael McIntyre they know about Frankie Boyle they know about

Russell they know about Russell Howard they know about no other country in the world gives a fucking shit about Peter Kay. Perhaps. Perhaps.

Because he's shit. Perhaps Benidorm. Yeah, Benidorm. That pretty much takes it. Garlic bread. Garlic bread. And even Americans. Everything goes with bread.

You can have bread and butter pudding With raisins Also it's garlic you daft cunt That's like saying Salt Salt and pepper squid Salt and pepper Salt and pepper Do

Oh Oh you know what Right So I want to tell you about when my dog had a Like honestly I thought I huffed my dog I thought I was going to come to Athens

And my dog was in a huff like honestly I thought I huffed my dog I thought I was gonna come to Athens and my dog was in a huff we'll talk about Thursday like honestly that's a one hour podcast itself this is the plug for the Patreon alright

okay see you Thursday bye