Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.38 Kind Face, Mighty Dog

Episode Date: September 22, 2021

Oompa Loompa origin stories are just one of several fanciful bits decorating this episode. Muggins mistimes an acid trip but makes the most of it. Cream takes advantage of the podcast now having a camera angle for an occasional sideways glance at the audience. Merch Store: https://muggins-and-cream.myspreadshop.co.uk

It's Monday again, and that's usually a bad thing. For most people, Monday is a bad thing, but for you, it's fucking podcast day, isn't it? You get this? This is a fun podcast. We're in York. I mean, the last few Mondays, we've been in Athens and in Lisbon and Amsterdam.

This one, we're back in the UK. It's a fun podcast. We talk about Oompa Loompas and acid trips, but the two stories aren't connected. I don't even think we did connect them in the end we talk about that we talk about a lot lots of flights of fancy on this episode lots of silliness it's good it's fun i think you're going to enjoy it if you're enjoying this on patreon thank you for subscribing and we're going to be able to well every monday episode's

going to have youtube accompaniments now and that's down to the third tier of Patreon the your dads the 10 pound Patreons thank you you guys your names will be in the credits on the YouTube videos because we're using the money you're sending our way to produce that stuff so thank you very much for that if you listen to this on the free channels on Wednesday thank you for listening I would do appreciate all your support even if you're just a casual backseat fan that listens now and again. But if you do start listening regularly, please consider joining us on a tier one. It's only three quid.

It's like buying us a coffee between us per month. And you'll get all these episodes early. You'll get bonus episodes every Thursday and we'll chuck some other stuff your way, depending on what tier you join at. Just go and have a little look, see what you think. And it'll be lovely to have you on board. We're an ever-growing community, and it's lovely having you here.

Enjoy the podcast. They said it can't be done Are we in the same seats? That's hack Oh, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss, kiss, kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11? Do you still celebrate birthdays when you're dead?

I mean, you don't No, not personally Aye If you're dead, you don't celebrate your own birthday but do people still celebrate dead people's birthdays because like

he didn't is that the question you know what I think like I don't think they'll celebrate the birthday I think you'll be like

you'll have a drink in their name aye like he didn't celebrate my birthday when I was alive I'm talking in past tense like I'm already dead

yeah right this is me from this is Kai from Beyond the Grave it's not that I didn't celebrate your birthday it's just before Gara I had nobody to remind me

that it was your birthday aye that is true aye that's the number one the number one reason I can say to get into a relationship is a lot of people

will tell you it's about finding someone that loves you for who you are to give you confidence to carry on and spread your seed and so on and so forth but honestly

in someone that can remember dates, that is the number one thing I've benefited. It's the admin, isn't it? Oh my God, she's just so good at organising things. It's a fucking bionic filofax. Aye, that's got a real sick puss. Wait, did you say bionic?

Bionic? Like, electronic filofax would just be a phone. A bionic filof facts would be like a human being no that's not what bionic is like biomechanics alright but she's not she's not

that's just oh here we go conspiracy theorists we're not all robots oh we're not all robots for the miracle of life there is a god shut up man

we're fucking we're a creation by an alien species well then surely that's what they would be our gods if they created this thing. They're cultivating us.

The world's a Petri dish. Right. We're still in the, like, you know, we're still in the development phase. Uh-huh. As soon as we're ready, we'll... This is the development phase. We're not finished.

We are not finished. You think we're finished? No, but, like, if there's aliens looking through some sort of giant intercosmic... We are single-celled organisms to them. We're recording a podcast! Aye, they're looking at we're going, oh look, they've come on leaps and bounds

since we're planting them on this earth and they created fire. When you were setting up this podcast, did you have to make it so that we were fucking holding each other's dicks? Oh yeah, aye. And the arms are crossed. We're really cosy. I'll just describe the situation to anyone that's listening to the podcast, which is the majority of you,

because people are watching this on YouTube too and they can see that me. YouTube too? There's a sequel? YouTube too. To YouTube. Oh, no. Yeah, we're in a hotel room. It's a nice hotel in York.

And there was like a throne in the corner of the room like a kind of just a big red chair a big red chair like you know if if i was um if i was on um i would this is the type of chad sitting to offer you a red pill or a blue pill really because i feel like if anyone's watching at all on YouTube too that we just look like we're really big fans of Taskmaster yes and are just

recreating the setup of the show aye so I had a bigger microphone I had a throne in my room and less banter

well I think we'd be really good on Taskmaster I'm not famous enough to be on it and now will you hurry the fuck up I'm feeling so tired will you just up your game I'm not famous enough to be on it. And now will you hurry the fuck up?

I'm feeling so tired. Will you just up your game? I am trying. Because I want to ride your coattails on to Taskmaster. Would that be your number one show to go on? Aye. Aye. That or Total Wipeout.

Like, I would have to go on Total Wipeout with a mask on. Because if they were like, do you want to do the celebrity version? I'm like, absolutely not. I wouldn't do the celebrity version of like any show but I'd go on regular Total Wipeout and just hope

people didn't recognise me aye so you didn't want to be there it's like I'm raising this money for an

orphanage and all that and then you file off and you're going sorry kids you file off for the first hurdle and you're

just soaking wet and you're just going to cut your little shit eating grin on your face going sorry you didn't

get your shoes I hate that on celebrity charities I'm not doing total wipe out for the kids I'm doing total wipe out for me just for you and look if I do well because I'll have honour about it

if I do well in the show and I win the money I'll be like alright look I'm actually international celebrity and I'm already loaded so I'm going to give this money away to a charity everyone's like yay I'm a good bloke at that point and that's the way you spin it

so you get like the charity's an afterthought yeah yeah yeah but then if I go out early doors then nobody remembers me because I'm just that twat that went out early you weren't gambling

on somebody else's money and also anyone that's on a celebrity show is never a fucking celebrity and I think the second even if you even like any show that's like on ITv2 or fucking bbc3 or non or even sometimes fucking regular

itv and they're like celebrity something island and you're like how is this the first time i've heard of there there is celebrity from being on something like big brother or there is celebrity from being on something like goggle box or there is celebrity from being a non-celebrity that was thrust into the limelight a non-celebrity a non-celebrity are there any of that kind are there any

of that kind look I'm going to be honest as a as a now that I'm getting closer and closer up the grades of celebrity I reckon I am getting

closer to that fucking pedo cycle I've heard so much about as a as a Z-list celebrity you have instantly went in for the training wheels

of a childlike girlfriend. Aye, aye, aye. She's good. You're not A-list yet but you're fucking you're training up to be an A-list celebrity. She's only childlike

in her demeanour. No. And body. No. She's a fully grown woman but she is an idiot she cried at a puppy she did cry at a puppy

which is fucking rich coming from me but I brought my puppy around to your house you did oh and the amount of people on Instagram I guess not everyone listens to this podcast because I don't plug it all the fucking time but in my head everyone knows about this podcast because on Instagram

I posted the picture of the dog and they were like do you get a fucking puppy and I'm like no no you should know the backstory I know

we've been selling this backstory across our social media channels for some time now we have I think I have I've shared things this is like a month long narrative

aye so everyone thinks that you had a cute puppy and you got all of the like cute puppy love but everyone knows I've got a big fat cat who hates all other animals.

Oh, your cat was... Not happy. So Cara came in and made a fuss of the dog. No, the dog came in and then Cara cried. Yeah, and made a real fuss. And then we went outside because I'd been in the car for a while so we're like, it's probably going to need a pee.

Cara will cry at most times. Just to say, Cara will regularly cry at animals. Cara cries at least once a day. Cara's never cried. Cara cries at least once a day because of just something random that Ray will do. And I know I've said this on the podcast before,

but I need to call her out again because I know she listens to this. I love my fiancée very, very much. But if one more time in my fucking life I'm watching a television show or reading a book and she stops me while I'm doing it by tapping me on the arm

to point at a sleeping cat, I might have to throw her through something in the house. Aye, that's a head bust, that leg. That's an absolute head bust. That type of behaviour wouldn't get you through the dating phase you know if you'd done that on early dates you'd be going

nah she's got it going I can't put my finger on it I don't know what it is I don't know what it is but I just look I get it man Ray's adorable and every time I look over

I'm like yeah that's my cat looking cute I'm like it could have fucking waited during the date it's fine because when I'm on the road she just texts pictures so she's doing the same thing then

and I like that I don't know I don't know if you're the same if I'm just in the honeymoon phase when we pet but I like I love the updates do you think

there's a time do you think there's going to be a time in the future when you don't love your pet this much well surely she can't she can't stay this cute like

oh no but just oh you are oh you're in for a deep deep fall I still love I still love me dog of course, oh, you're in for a deep, deep fall, motherfucker. I still love my dog, of course I will. No, you're getting it the wrong way,

but man, this is... It's just going to get worse. Yeah, this is the least you'll ever love your dog. And I know that's insane to imagine, but this is the, every second after this, it's more and more, like, we've got a shit one. I really, really didn't want this to become

a dog podcast man believe me neither did i we've been trying to speak about things for other episodes but let's just call september the dog month international dogs i took peggy to puppy school hi and i thought it was a school for us but it's called puppy school are you a puppy yeah but it's like for how to teach a puppy, how to raise it, how to do tricks. It's probably a puppy skills class or puppy owner classes. All right, okay. I thought it was going to be like,

where is my puppy? There's other people with their puppies and they'll teach us little methods and all that and interact with the dogs together. You were hoping it was the other one so that you could make a joke about it and be like, so I went along to a puppy school but it's a class for us by the way, not

the puppies. Wouldn't that be ridiculous? I think my dad got disqualified for a leak competition. It's not even a leak. Like that kind of joke. Aye. One that they think is a pullback and reveal but it was like through a thinly

veiled curtain Yes I could see what was coming before So we were Why is my hand doing this? That's the always thing Anytime you see a comedian who does something Improvtive

So I'm walking along with my girlfriend She's not this height by the way Don't know why I did that Yeah you did that 97 gigs ago and it got a laugh I do that on set I'm going to break the magic for anyone that's come to see us in fact i haven't been doing this i do it i haven't i haven't been doing this bit of material for the last few gigs as i've phased phased it out for some new uh but there's a point in one of me um routines where

i once i burst out laughing at the freaking ridiculousness of what I was saying, right? Oh, right. And then, so I corpsed, it's called corpsing when you laugh at your own shit

on stage, right? And it is infectious. A lot of people laugh at you laughing at your own shit if it's legitimate. Only if you,

yeah, only if you time it correctly. If it's timed correctly. And I cut out of the bit and I stepped, like I physically stepped out of the part of the stage where I was doing the bit.

And I went, I've stopped doing stand-up comedy now, I'm just telling you about my day. And it went down so well and I stepped back into the bit on stage and continued the bit. And I was like, I'm going to try that again tomorrow. And I tried again tomorrow and I've done it about two... Yeah, I was going to say that was seven years ago. Aye.

My wedding. And aye i it was improv once i it was a really fucking good bit of improv man that's the like i mean this is when you'll get a debate with like fucking comedy purists and whatnot but like that's the whole point of comedy like for most of us is trying to convince the audience that this is the first time you've said it. That's half the fucking act. Like you can go on stage and look, if we were all as talented as Dave Chappelle, you could go on and just fucking riff most of the time, even though he doesn't fucking riff, he's just the master of it. But he's capable of riffing and still. I always said it's the illusion of spontaneity. If they think that you've done that to every other crowd, they'd feel betrayed.

Even though deep down they know. But if you can give this illusion that you're pulling it out of the air, live, in the moment, they're willing to suspend their disbelief and lean into that illusion. Because they're fucking idiots. Your room is freezing, by the way.

Aye. And I like a cold bedroom, but this is... But I'm notoriously a warm-up act, so it's kind of... I like to come into a cold room. I like to step into a cold room, Daniel. Like, yeah, your room's warm. Right, so what you're telling me is... But only because I've already been in.

No, no, let's... No, no, no, let's... Don't dive into this one. Oh, my God, this is a straw man fucking metaphor. No, no, no, no, no. The illusion. We're talking about illusions. That was a joke-oid.

It had the illusion of a joke, Daniel. But if you've been in this room for ages, there's the warm-up act, and it's still cold. I'm not doing my job properly, am I? Yeah, this part of the room Is a bit frosty Aye So I went to put my class

Right And fuck me I thought everyone had bought Their like life sized dogs Because I turn up With this fucking Minute little dog Oh and she is

I've seen her now She Comfortably Like you can pass her Between palms Yeah one hand to one hand Aye There you go

Man There was Three great Danes pass her between palms. Yeah, one hand to one hand. There you go. Man, there was three Great Danes, a German shepherd, and a Doberman. And they were all... And then your chew toy. And they were all six months. So they just thought you brought along a toy for the rest of the class?

I was shitting myself. I was shitting myself because I was like, oh, no. You know how Peggy or something just mouthed at you because she's teething? And you have to let her know it's not good, put a toy in her mouth. Yeah, there's certain things you're not allowed to bite. There's certain things you're not allowed to bite. The process, if they think they can bite everything when they come into the world and you've got to teach them what they can bite and what they can't bite yeah

right and what if these dogs are still in that phase and they don't know not to bite piggy because even just the nibbles has gone well she might i get your fear right but to follow it through to the other end she might come out whole on the other side that's true like she you know I mean she'll be a little bit traumatised and certainly you know covered in

stomach acid and at the very least a bunch of shit she'll just come out and start licking her paws like no one happened just the Doberman

dead confused why I ate something but I'm still hungry is this is this a Chinese dog? Chinese food

you didn't feel like you could eat another one Oh right okay So it's Chinese food it wasn't racism Daniel Not everything about the Chinese is racism Daniel First of all what's the stereotype about Chinese people? And if they were dogs, they would be less hungry?

Because they eat less? Okay, I know, I know, I understand. We got there. So I actually just started sniffing around them. She didn't give a fuck it was me. That was bothered, right? But I was like, I was giving her and then but I was like I was giving her like a little sniff of them

and I was picking her back up I wasn't and then they came out what I was picking her back up I was like I don't want to leave her in the fuck

were you marooning your dog around a fucking puppy class like a waiter with a fine bottle of wine but like the opposite way where I just pick them around

to different arseholes being like what about this one do you like that one this is a 12 week

cover pill this is a six month old great day and is this to your fancy I can lift

the tail up for you more if that helps yeah yeah do you want me to check if it's been corked

it has now it's just been caught just just this second so I was a bit nervous about her being on all these big dogs

she was the only girl as well do you think that's oh well I guess it is my mum always made sure that she got female pets because they're easier to train, she says,

and also they just get less cunty at some point. But they do stop bleeding when you stab them. Dogs get periods. Dogs get periods. I mean, dog owners do, but anyone that doesn't own a dog, that's always a big surprise to them. Aye, I didn't know that. I mean, it makes sense now. Personally, I mean dog owners do, but anyone that doesn't own a dog, that's always a big surprise to them. Aye, I didn't know that.

I mean, it makes sense now. Personally, I fought the late eggs. Dog eggs. Aye. I'm a dog egg omelette. Right, so they came out, the staff from the puppy class, and just took the lead and was like, this is Peggy. I don't know how they worked it out.

Well, okay. So we got T-Rex. We got Bulldozer. Riot. Thunder Ribs. Yeah, all here. And, ooh, who could Peggy be? Where is Peggy?

Just looking, casting her gaze just over the top of her head. Peggy mustn't be here today. So they just took the lead and went alright so you're 12 and Ray Natalie's eyes just like you know the welling up emoji? Yes.

Our faces turned into the welling up emoji. our faces turned into the welling up emoji yeah that's the one Cara sends me whenever she sends pictures of Ray yep we were just like she's just going to go in there alone they're just going to come out and just give us the leash

we are so sorry just comes like out the end of the rope in jurassic park they're like okay the good season we got back in contact with the farm oh no they know us they just they ask for the replacement special this isn't the first time we've accidentally done this we should learn our lesson maybe get less big dogs next time, maybe we should just separate them in two I think that so there's photos and there's videos

and a report card coming my way a report card? a report card so wait, how did our first class go? so everyone, the dogs came out one by one like it was graduation and they got

Took to the Ora And they got told Like a little bit About the dog And all that right And then And then Piggy came out last

Oh And God that must have been terrifying It was I think Every dog just coming out With just bits Hanging out their teeth Slightly fatter

Not a lot But you can tell They've eaten I was like I was like Either you can tell they've eaten I was like even though they've got bad news and they're just prolonging the agony or like my dog's got detention

I don't know how my dog's got detention but if I could describe Peggy in one word it would be mighty oh ok process that then I described Peggy in one word it would be mighty oh okay process that then

yeah well I mean the way I justify it already is the second worst UFC champion of all time was Mighty Mouse

aye yeah aye it's a very it's a very like you just can't have that ironically idea

yeah aye patronise me dog as mighty mouse the actual mighty mouse

aye mighty morphin power rangers were they that mighty or were they beating up people in

lycra aye just putting on spandex very few things called mighty are actually

now that you pointed it out mighty weight bread like you're hardly seeing the fucking mountain

that raids eating maitie weight, are you? Termites. Easy to kill. Termites? Termites? Termites. Aye, plural. One termite. Termite eyes. But like a bunch of termites. What else is maitie? The pen is maitie than swords, but I don't know. It's not really, is it? The pen is mightier than swords But I don't know It's not really is it? No We've already discussed this Legs

Mightier than knives Pens Legs mightier than knives I have just posted a video on it That's why I remembered When we were high in Amsterdam I was saying I could kick me out of a knife fight And you disagreed

I didn't say this When we created the podcast But when I'm telling everybody about how real tough I am in a knife fight, in hypothetical knife fights, you give the camera such a sarcastic look.

Oh, man, you're not going to enjoy some of the clips I've done in this episode. I didn't know you'd been doing that stuff. I didn't know you'd been giving annoying looks

down the lens of the camera. Man, this is my version of The Office here. Like, this is... Man, if you were somebody that steamrollers over all my jokes, I know there's no way you're ever picking up on any of my facial expressions. That's a shame, that,

because I just thought you were, like, just a knuckle on your chin, just nodding away at everything I said. Well, there weren't two gay people outside who I thought thought I was homophobic so there was no need

to be involved in the conversation that was very funny yeah fucking I thought I was killing it in conversation that day we've been over it

we don't need to cover it again Mighty Mighty Joe Black oh he died at the end of me how did he go Harambe was he the

the Mighty Ducks oh well they are by the end but they and also I'm pretty sure there's like four movies and they probably lose

and a half of them Mighty is only used for the underdog isn't it it's never used for like so therefore in context I guess that's why she used it with for

for Peggy is because she was the underdog quite literally literally she was underdog aye aye

so apparently she's been like running around and getting other dogs to chase her god I hope she's pregnant I hope you had the wrong fears

I did and I'll try and have a period less cleaning up to do just more later aye she can't have had a period yet can she nah

it's about six months aye that's what I was going to say because I know cats start ovulating dead early like cats can give birth at a frighteningly young age

and you're just like oh that's a bit that's weird like most most cats are nonsense aye oh yeah even in cat years even in cat years yeah like they're That's weird Like most Most cats are nonces Aye Oh yeah Even in cat years

Even in cat years Yeah Like they're They're banging like 12, 13 year old cats Aye Because we were I was talking to Danny Mac

And he was like A three year old dog And he was like That's 21 Aye So like Are the nonces Even in like

If you take the cat years If you take human consent laws And the cat years In the equation human consent laws and the cat years equation are they are they still nunces? still nunces they might like on all

on our side and their side they're all criminals but aye I knew there was something up with them like I think dogs are a bit more oh maybe they're not

I don't know I've never fucked a dog but you have a cat That's not what I said No no no No no You alluded to it Huh?

It's It's the It's the truth you omitted Agree to disagree So you say You've never shagged a pussy I've never shagged a pussy Never seen one

I haven't seen one Touched it Oh my god That was fucking We had Scotty Day For about five minutes On I have never seen one I haven't seen one Oh my god That was fucking We had Scotty D For about five minutes On I have never seen Snatch Were you not there?

No Were you not? Must have been Matty I always get you too confused Easy mistake to make Me and international celebrity Matthew Kelly He's known He's known for something

Beast Speaking of nonsense Liberty Matthew Kelly he's known he's known he's known for something beast speaking of nonsense so there it was someone mentioned the film Snatch and Scotty D went

I've never seen Snatch and I'm like you haven't seen Snatch he's like nah you would think it's something I'd be into but nah

never seen it I'd love to see it and for like five minutes he just spun into, but nah, never seen it. I'd love to see it. And for like five minutes, he just spun on about how he'd never seen Snatch. Worked on so many levels. You know, the lead role in the main character in Snatch is called Turkish. Jason Statham.

I didn't know that, but sure. And Jason Statham isn't the first thing that comes up if you google Turkish statue don't you fuck me with your I'm spotting your faces now I see them you know what though

I honestly believe that people that listen to the podcast can hear your faces that you're pulling I'm just saying I've got very leathery skin you have got

floppy skin like no i don't know what i said you are you are really um interesting to look at when i was on acid the other day i why did you do that on accident well i took it i took it under false pretenses daniel no you didn't under my own self-implied false pretenses, Daniel. No, you didn't. Under my own self-implied false pretenses. Nobody misled me. Nobody misled you. I made an ass out of not you,

but I. Yes. By assuming. Yep. We had done our gig. It was wonderful. In Liverpool. In Liverpool.

And I know we said we'd do a podcast with both Elliot, Sheila and Milo, but we didn't. We didn't, and I'll tell you for why. We I know we said we'd do a podcast with both Alex Hill and Milo, but we didn't. We didn't, and I'll tell you for why. We went to Paddy Pimlet's podcast studio and guested on his podcast on a crossover episode.

No. So we have done a podcast for you. It's just on somebody else's platform. Aye, but don't subscribe to his. Don't you fucking dare. You can watch it. You can watch his stuff. Don't you fucking subscribe.

Nah, give him a subscribe, but we can have some of his as well. We'll cross-pollinate. No. Pick one or the other. That was a fun podcast. That was the day after of my acid trip. Yep.

So Elliot Steele had come with us. He was just feeling a bit down in the dumps, so he picked me up. We're like, we'll get in Heathrow, come with us to do the gig, jump on the set. So if anyone was at the Liverpool gig you got to see Elliot Steele

make sure you follow him on all his social medias and stuff he's a you know him from the podcast if you know G he jumped on stage and then in the evening

we went to Hot Water because Milo was on this was like fucking Titan with Power Rangers he is very camp now we assembled we assembled. Aye. We assembled, and there was the four of us,

a couple of other people that we know very well from, Hot Water, their staff and stuff. Hot Water, the comedy club. Aye. And we're drinking around, right? And the plan was, in my head, that we'll go to NQ64 after we've had a drink with Milo after his show and we'll play some arcade games.

Now, if you've been to NQ64, you'll know it's trippy as fuck. There's loads of, like, old-school arcade games, but every single wall, every ceiling, every pipe, every cistern, every surface is graffitied in, like, bright colours. Neon, bright air. Neon spray paint. Aye, but, like, of, like, Bowser and Yoshi and spray paint. Aye, but like of like, Bowser,

and Yoshi, and then some names like, planets and Saturn, and, Aye, it's very cool. And there's just constantly, sensory overload of things to look at,

the music's always, belter, just, I mean pinball's just fucking, like, I just, I've never been in that environment on acid before, right,

and then, I had the opportunity of acid, but it's like one in the morning, probably a bad idea, at this point, know nq64 in edinburgh to be open till three i'm like it's gonna kick in i'm gonna get a good couple hours um but you said one that's not when you took it no that's that's when i took it i kicked in a bit later i was looking at my watch i remember seeing my watch like 126 and i was like no that's that's when I took it I kicked in a bit later you took it later I was looking at my watch I remember seeing my watch

like 1.26 and I was like it's got to be able 20 minutes before it kicks in now it's going to be able 45 no I think that was the mushrooms

because we both did mushrooms powder at around about one yeah we'd done that much earlier you think I've got my times all wrong

I do so but anyway regardless of of times I come back in right from I'd been outside

when I when I put this tab underneath me underneath my tongue which I still find it weird saying tab because tab means cigarette in Newcastle

and you wouldn't put those under your tongues nah push it into it don't bomb back nah don't do that so

I put I put the acetamin on my tongue Left it there for a minute Chewed it up Swallowed it, right And then Even though it's going to take A little while to kick in I start getting a little bit like

Nervous That like I'm about to Like, you know You're cranking up a rollercoaster You're about to get off to the other end There's no return Right

And I'm like A bit druthy And I go back and I go back in I go back in to get me paint and Elliot Steel had finished my paint while I've been outside

aye and the bar was shut good boy so process this I've just took acid and discovered me night's over

yep because I'm going like let's go to NQ64 then my paint's finished and then you were like it shuts it too and it was like half last one at this point i mean and it would have took like 15 minutes to get there and i'm like and you didn't know this until i went i just took acid why would you do that i'm like oh because I still had a pint when I got into NQ64 the night is still that bastard lasts

for fucking hours even even if even if NQ64 was open it's not open until 9am

yeah sorry I keep tapping my cable off this sorry about that noise there no I mean Adam so aye

it was still a bad idea but look I just embraced it right we went back to the hotel we watched norm mcdonald and jerry seinfeld and comedians in cars getting coffee and fucking that was just great to watch because just uh my visuals are class right and then we watched the football

the highlights and i had to keep asking you like do do you see this? Do you see that? Is the tele blurring in this way? Because like I was, my visuals were changing, but my control was very much the same. I'd had a couple of drinks, so I was a bit tipsy, but it didn't add to me like motor skills or my ability to process my thoughts. It just changed the input I was getting. So just visuals getting so just visuals and

I went downstairs when you guys went to bed I went down in the lift I actually know you didn't this is the fun bit you fell out of a window no no it was just the visuals I went down a really fast lift

the lift really plummet, it was just the visuals. I went down a really fast lift. No, I mean... The lift really plummeted. It was glass. And for some reason I got it up from my belly. It's weird that they just changed the gravity at some point. I assumed it was the one from the Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Which, mad that he got rich off of chocolate when he had one of those in his fucking thing.

He had what? He had a lift, he had a magic elevator. elevator magic elevator that defied gravity in every single direction right during the fucking i mean i can't don't know where it was set but it was at least after world war i open with that i don't know why are you selling chocolate motherfucker what's this don't open with a waterfall is a chocolate open with a big fuck off rocket lift why are you selling chocolate you can get to the moon you can colonize another fucking planet you've got space

travel you've got the Russians I get it you can't trap children with a lift can you well I mean you probably could aye

oh come see me magic lift it's not the same as like yeah come and see all me chocolate fountains I don't know do you reckon the

Obalomas are like a race of people or do you reckon he Made them? Or they're like an abomination Or they're wonk as monsters Did he create them? Did he bring them to sentient life within the realm? Or did he breed them?

That would be worse It's all evil If he designed them in a lab and built them Is that worse than if he breeded them in captivity for slavery? No, the second one's worse. The second one, breeding them in captivity for slavery is worse than bringing them into sentient life from nothing. Yeah, yes, yes, definitely way worse.

You can't take an already formed life, take away a bunch of its rights and then dehumanise it to the point... But can you create abomination with no rights? Yeah, yeah, because like, yeah. I don't know why you're trying to be like... Because all life would be valued as equal, right? No, I'm not. Fuck off.

This isn't Tennessee. What are you talking about? No, but if you create a life and it is life, then you can't just treat that one like shit. Yes, you absolutely can't. And this one's breeded in. It's a different type of life. There were people before. And if I've invented this lifeed in it's a different type of life these were they were people before

and if I've invented this life we don't know what type of life it is I might have made it from some other sort of deal so hang on if you like harmed Dolly the sheep that wouldn't be cruelty to animals

it would be cruelty to animals it wouldn't be cruelty to human beings it would never be punished the shit no but if you if you cloned a human you couldn't be you couldn't be cruel to them

because they're not the same I think you could I think you could like I mean we'd have to do the we'd have to do the that's not what we're at here he's not making clones

he's making small things right and you've already already said on this fucking podcast that we're all bionic for some reason

we're all half so in that theory it's half of that as well bionic if he's created them for the purpose of building chocolate then that's

definitely it's still evil but it's not as evil as oh you're a bunch of people I'm going to capture you all I'm going to tie you all to slaves and I'm going to make you reproduce so you can run my chocolate factory

that's like the top scale evil and the best case scenario is like maybe they're from another planet and in his fucking big magical time, but maybe he was the Time Lord because doesn't the fucking Doctor Who travel around in a big box?

I mean, it's a... Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think that's a Taurus? Do you think that Elevate has a giant Taurus? Maybe it is. So maybe, maybe Willy Wonka is actually Doctor Who and he's just got bored for a bit.

But what he's done is he's gone to another planet inhabited by oompa loompas right try to save the planet none of that went well he managed to save like 50 of them and they were like look we've got nothing else we'll just come with you and then he goes down to planet earth and he can't have them out in the wild because he knows what human beings are like so he just starts turns out they're mad into making chocolate and they're like our way of repaying you for keeping us alive

is to make you the world's best chocolate that's the best case scenario and do you think you know when they sing songs do you think

that's all choreographed do you think maybe that's the song for their whole planet do you think Willy Wonka is like look don't take this

the wrong way I know I've I've called you Oompa Loompas because I didn't know what to name you, but will you sing this Oompa Loompa song that I wrote? Where you're like, Oompa Loompa doopity do. And these little guys are just like, it's kind of degrading. Do I have to? And he's like, yeah, I did. I did save all your lives. So, um, but now you want us to, do I have to wear the cap? No, I mean, you don't have to,

you don't, you don't, you don't have to do anything. Like you're well, I've saved your lives. You can do whatever you want. You've got freedom, whatever,

but I'm just saying as someone that saved your life, it would be nice if you. Just because me and Steve, we don't dress the same. We don't look the same, but you've got, we're like wearing the same outfit and the same face paint and the same hair. And he's like,

yeah, but think of it like a dance sort of thing he's a bit he's a bit more of a goth you know and I'm like I'm a bit chavvy

this is this is a place of work though and you are you are here to work so let's just see this is the uniform work in Sydney where it's like a paid

do we get money the saving the life thing like it's only been a couple of years and you you live for so if I don't do it, will you take my life?

No, no, no. I'm just saying it will go, it will be written down somewhere. So if I just go off and live my life and get a normal job. Good luck on the outside world. I've not told anyone about you. I won't always dress like this.

But you'll always be that height and that colour. And you don't know that about this planet. But we do not like different colours down here we do not like them at all and being heightest is one of the last ones left that you're still allowed to be heightest man somebody you are like like you come from a planet that's all you make chocolates all very happy you do one you don't know what a child is not only that in fact you do you've seen them i've brought them up you brought them around the place but because i've kept you in this shell of life you know you look kind of similar to children but you've got no idea what pedophiles are and let me tell you i don't know what you're the greatest predator on your

planet planet is right so they get propaganda fear didn't it well it's not propaganda fear that is what's going to happen to them propaganda this myth of pedophiles god god that's is that is that worse than a flat earther a pedophile i just don't think it happens i just don't think it happens i've never seen it never seen it never done it oh yeah look you can prove anything with like pictures Photoshop's amazing Yeah what's your source Yeah Nah I don't buy it It's just too icky for me I just don't It's just so naive It's just who would do that

Who would do that I don't think anyone Would do that Yuck Kids Ugh Not even sexy Yeah

What would be the point Who's that for Yeah Come on Be reasonable Kids don't have tits. All right, then I'll sing the Oompa Loompa song. I'll fucking serve the chocolate in that leg. Fucking I'll mop up.

There it is. And this time with feeling. But do-pa-do-do-do. And this time with feeling But But He is a beast though That's Who Charlie Not Charlie Not Charlie

He is I was victim blaming there Aye William Wonka Bill Wonka In his old age Bill Bill Wonka

Liam Wonka Liam Aye Raging that Liam's short for William Aye in his old age Bill Bill Wonka Liam Wonka Liam I'm raging that Liam's short for William gross it's like saying that Roy's short

for Troy no it's not no you just cut it off the end Drew anyone called oh

blech Topher Topher's the worst I used to love Shale Sonnen's name Shale I thought that was A really good name

It's Michael It's Michael Sonnen No Michael Sonnen Shale Oh Gross It's upsetting that isn't it

I'm sorry I'm sorry mate I'm sorry to bring this news to you Wait Neil's not short for Oh no no Daniel Daniel Not Neil I'm sorry, mate. I'm sorry to bring this news to you. Wait, Neil's not short for... Oh, no, no. Daniel. Daniel.

Not Neil. So I went down in the lift and it was mirrored. It was four mirrored, like a four mirrored lift. Fucking what about that? You know what? It's kind of creepy to look at your own face

when you're on acid. Now you know how we feel. Oh, you mean... when you're on acid. Now you know how we feel. Oh, you mean everyone. You meant the royal you, I see. Yes. Not the royal you. But what do you mean by you're never looking at my face? It's a very kind face.

Kind of ugly. You have a kind face and you have a mighty dog. That's the way we'll phrase both of those things. And that should be the name of this episode. Cain face, mighty dog. Aye. Aye. Not Bionic Lumpa Lumpa.

I mean, maybe. Bionic Lumpa Lumpa. Lumpa Lumpa? Is that the pro-evolution version? Bionic Lumpa Lumpa does... It sounds like a Northfielding bit. Yes, that is true. Now.

Nothing against Northfielding, but also nothing for them. But also, do not emulate. Yeah, like i've got nothing against the band but i'm not i'm sure some people enjoyed my image he'd done a good job of making everybody random in the randomness settle down into um into pattern so like to be random people would be like rainbows and unicorns and then it'd become less random because everyone was saying rainbows and unicorns and there was like a go-to random bit so like being ultimately random made you step in line with a whole queue of muggles there was also

the uh the the anything ninja i did this thing On the train And I was like some sort of train loon ninja Or I was like some sort of railway ninja And also like mixing Like an emotion with a drink I just tasted of like gin and regret Oh aye Like that sort of randomness

Yeah Very like mad libs randomness It was colour by numbers randomness came off the back of him not that not what he was doing

no he was being random no he was no Phil do this understand this is not he was legitimately being random he was and then everyone went

ooh that's what random looks like and then Russell Brand was like oh look I kind of invented it too and you're like I don't think

you did I think you just kind of invented it too. And you're like, I don't think you did. I think you just kind of took that. Like you take most things that people don't want to give you. Such as? Nope. Nope. Nope means nope. I was going down in the lift.

Aye. And I was looking at my own face And I I don't know if it was the acid speaking But I looked very old Oh Well okay I looked really old in the mirror

I mean it's a combination Of both the acid and My face was contorting I think like Every like little line in my face Laughter lines And smile lines And frown lines

And all the lines That are the door post Of my life And all the lines That you've taken And every line I've taken Every cigarette I've ever smoked

Yep Just exaggerated Jesus Christ How long are your Fucking eyebrows They've grown back I mean the whole whole thing's... Jesus, those are horrendously long.

Aye, I'll sort that out. Sorry, mate. You look like a fucking mythical woodland creature in like Narnia. That is like a Gringotts bank. Do I look like I've got wisdom? Aye, but only in your eyebrows. I didn't know they could do that.

They could ever grow that long I like the barbers that have a pop at them They'd have to I've never known it to be an option Of course they're doing that Jesus Christ man This isn't what I'm trained to do But it's in my domain

And if I weren't to get rid of this The last time I went to the barbers They didn't sort my eyebrows out they just gave us an estimate come back tomorrow we'll have the scaffolding that is because I get some really long nose hair sometimes and I think nose hairs are the worst

I've been keeping on top of them your nose hairs I have, Cara got me a real good nose hair trimmer for me Christmas and it's one of the greatest presents I've ever been gifted. I just hate nose hair, I think. A nose got purposes, but not at that length. And if they can't control themselves, I'll just chop them all down.

Have you ever done the fucking fire up the nose one that they want to do at the Turkish party? Aye, where they get the cotton bud on fire and they pat it. Aye. Have you done it? fucking fire up the nose one That they want to do at the Turkish party Aye where they get like The cotton bud on fire And they pat it Aye Have you done it Yeah They do the ears

Nah it doesn't hurt Just gets to like Getting a bum fluff off the inside of the ears And stuff Aye maybe I should do that Because I do I fucking Oh

Jim Owen used to have a very good joke Which is Do you know that your nose hair The longest hair in the human body Is the nose hair And it human body is the nose hair and it's connected to the arsehole and that's why

when you pull it you go oh I saw a sketch and I think it was Hale and Pace remember Hale and Pace no

oh it's from my childhood it's like just two blokes that did sketches probably if you look back at it probably problematic you know a 90s sketch show there's probably a reason that it isn't aloha like streaming channels new is that there was a couple of sketches where they're like oh but one of the sketches i really remember and it might not have been hailing pace somebody can correct this in the comments

as I really remember and it might not have been Hale and Pace somebody can correct this in the comments right but he started pulling the nose hair he was pulling it

and it was really like making his eyes water he was pulling it and it was like it was getting further but not coming out and then it done like a his point of view

calm shot of him pulling it out and it landed in the sink with his brain and his spinal column attached to it he absolutely fatality'd himself. I think it was Hale and Pace.

I can't, I've never heard of them. Were they Geordie? Well, Hale and Pace done the original You're never gonna get this song out of your head, out of your head, out of your head. So they done like a sketch that was You're never gonna get this song out of your head and then fucking obviously

That's not the song. And then obviously Joey Pasquale nicked it and done the I know a sketch that was you're never going to get this song out of your head and then fucking obviously and then obviously Joey Pasquale nicked it and done the I know a song that'll get on your nerves get on your nerves

get on your nerves was that that one yeah Joey Pasquale is a fucking joke thief I forgot that there's a really really good Stuart Lee clip about him

stealing a joke from Michael Redmond it's a it's a long it's a long routine about Joey Pasquale not having the abilities to create the joke that he stole and it's it's really long routine about Joey Pasquale not having the abilities to create

the joke that he stole it's really worth people looking up just type in Stuart Lee Joey Pasquale it's very funny are you calling him Joey Pasquale is that not what it is you could call him Joseph Pasquale no no Joe

Joey no it's definitely Joey. It's definitely Joe. Shush now. It's not Joey. Just shut up now. It's not Joey.

Am I getting Al Pally with Joe Pasquale? Let me Google it. It's fucking, it's Joey Shwelly. Who else have I been doing this with? Joe Pasquale. No one calls him Joey. Joseph Ellis Pasquale. Whereedric Ellis Pasquale Where's the picture of him topless there?

Why is there a topless picture of Pasquale? Fucking he's hench Cunt's ripped I take back everything I said He's a fucking savage No no no He's had a shit career and he needs to make more jokes Without any consequences

So he can be fucking Beat up the supporter And get a joke without any consequences so he's just getting it so he can be fucking fucking hell I've just beat up Lucy Porter and get her jokes I've just wound up the wrong motherfucker I was on a panel show with him

once oh yeah aye what was that Comedy World Cup it was me Joe Pasquale you called him

Pasquale well I was doing what you did the opposite way Joey Pasquale me Joey Pescatoni Omid Jalili You call him Pasquale? Well I was doing what you did The opposite way Joey Pasquale Me Joey Pescatoni

Omid Jalili Against Jameson Manford Sean Walsh And the Chuckle Brothers With David Tennant As host Wow Aye

Sausage fest But different name back then Nope It was last week Yeah No it's still the same name Aye Chuckle Brothers One of them it's still the same name Um Ah

Chuckle Bros One of them But they're just seven now Yep Uh huh Uh And the other one's still alive Which means

Medically That he Didn't ever love him Oh Because they're meant to die Yeah Are they twins are they Um

Are they Chuckle twins Are they twins I've got a feeling Barry's older That That bit is a Laugh that The UKIP The head of UKIP Are they the Chuckle twins? Are they twins? I've got a feeling Barry's older. That bit is a laugh that the UKIP, the head of UKIP and Blythe during the election previous to 2019, 2015, 2016,

was called Barry Elliot. Is it the fucking MP named after a Chuckle brother? To me, to UKIP? Oh, no, you're right. They were different ages Do they have any other siblings? Is there anyone that they've just fucking Left out of their fold?

Is there like Oh there's a third brother Is there a Keith Chuckle Who's like a Wayne Lineker He's the twin of the other one Oh here we go There's a twin of the other one Eh

Patton Brothers Eh oh no maybe that's on the other Side Hold on One of the Chuckle Brothers Has got a twin No no I was doing a bit there

Oh right Fucking hell Did he do you look To the camera No You did look to the camera You've got to stop Doing that

What did you discover Oh I couldn't be arsed anymore It was too confusing They were just giving me The names of all their spouses And their partners And I couldn't be arsed anymore. It was too confusing. They were just giving me the names of all their spouses and their partners and I couldn't be arsed going through the family tree for the research.

I wanted to talk about twins and how I think we should kill most of them. I've started watching Instagram reels when I'm bored. You creeped out by them i didn't i did not think i had a problem with twins i bet you there's a name for a phobia of twins um rationality so it's a it's it's it's an act it's a it's an accident in nature man and like on instagram reels i'm probably getting the worst twins out there but it's like twins that are just like

creepy pale faced right and they're like brothers and they're trying to do like comedy sketches together and there's loads of these by the way because I keep like going not interested because I don't want to see that in my fucking feed because it's gross but I've seen

more than four twins with Instagram accounts that are like Instagram twin influencers. Twinfluencers. Twinfluencers? That's what they call themselves. Oh, gross. Aha. That's worse than two mateys.

And I've decided that we don't have to kill them all, but they do need to be tagged and studied because there's something not... Keep an eye on them. Keep an eye on them. The same way we do with endangered animals, right?

That's what we'll tell them. That's how we'll spin it to them. We'll be like, oh, it's because you're so rare and we want to take extra super special care of you. It's like, mm, it's because you can do crimes. I've seen the prestige. I know what you're capable of. And do you think the telepathic link between them is just a little bit alien absolutely fucking

and the and i man i do i reckon you get one twin and one i've just realized this is like a nazi scientist no no no no you sound like a hydra scientist you sound like hydra nazis are worse than Hydra but Hydra were doing it based on special abilities weren't they oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I guess

yeah yeah alright thanks for saving me there then I'm happy to continue this as a Hydra scientist because that's less sad but aye I reckon if you stab one

in the arm in one room the other one in the other room can tell you when it was stabbed and I reckon if you blow one of them the other one comes oh they're fucking they did it's come full circle the string theory cock twins oh hey string theory but i want to say i do think though so is this just from like you watched the shining and you were a bit creeped out by it now now all twins are creepy have you met twins?

yeah me one of Natalie's childhood friends who's now our friend we discussed this you can be unidentical twins I accept that has twin boys

who are unidentical and they both support different football teams and fucking yeah fine individuals you met identical twins I'm sure I have

But could I Did I get close to them No No why would you Because there's two You can't get close to them Oh wait wait I have I watched

A fantastic double act In Australia They were fucking mint They went on together And they've done like Set up punchlines Between each other Have you seen them before

Don't think so does it ring a bell it rings a bell but I think there's like two twins in Australia and there's an

yeah that's how it works they come in two sets you'd have two sets and there's another twin where there's at least one

set of twin comedians in America I can't remember what they're called though sorry I can't remember what they're called though sorry em I can't remember what they're called

though the Sklar brothers and then there's those twins that were in the 21 Jump Street movies as well I just don't

trust any of them we what was that we met them twins that em come to the shows in Coventry weirdos huh weirdos they were kinda odd weren't they not kinda they were fucking We met them twins that Come to the shows in Coventry Weirdos

Huh? Weirdos They were kinda odd weren't they? Not kinda They were fucking weirdos And I mean They might listen to the podcast They were fans of our work

But Man if they don't know they're weirdos Or that they were Was that just us though? Were they weirdos? Yes Or were we just creeped out by them? Both is their responsibility.

This is the thing, man. Like, identical twins. They're not natural. Find out what the name for the phobia of twins is. It's surely got a name. Figure. And does it extend to you for triplets, or is it just twins?

I don't know. I've not seen any triplet fluencers maybe that's because it doesn't scan. Halfie phobia. Halfie phobia? Oh no wait no. That can't be it. That's Fiera Natalie. Halfie phobia

is a fear of being touched. By twins? No there you go. Halfie phobia. Fear of twins. There is no fear of twins You've coined it What you saying Tom Arnold Has a fear of identical twins

Who's Tom Arnold He's Rosie O'Donnell's ex Who's Rosie O'Donnell Rosie O'Donnell Fucking friend Roseanne Oh no Roseanne Barr that's Roseanne Barr

oh wait no in that one then oh wait no fuck was it Rosie fuck who was Rosie O'Donnell was she not like one of the

dolls on the on the barge she was married to she was married to Jim that was Rosie and Jim not Rosie and Tom I don't know who

these people are. You're just like, oh, did you know, like, Bob Duncan's is there. Yeah, Roseanne Barr, sorry. You're right. Roseanne Barr is who Tom Arnold was managing. Roseanne from Roseanne.

Oh, right, okay. Roseanne fame. Yeah. Oh, crunchy back. Did she do stand-up? She did. Was she good? Like, back in the day,

she got, well, she got a TV show of it, so she was probably... Oh, so she'd come through the day Did you see her? She got Well she got a TV show out of it So she was probably Oh so she would come through the channel to stand up Yeah I mean that's how all American That's how they all do it They all become a stand up And then the American goes

Let's write a show with You in it About you with your name on it I always found that weird When I started doing stand up Is I kept getting pushed to write scripts And I was like that's a different

thing i didn't want to do that i think i tried a couple of times but i just my heart wasn't in it i like stand up on stage and perform and i didn't like i didn't have it because i've got aphantasia but like imagining the scenes isn't fun like i can i can process the scenes as data and i know what lines are funny but like i can't can process the scenes as data and I know what lines are funny but like I can't really pull a good visual of the scene

my problem with it is if man if I write a joke I can go on stage tonight and tell that joke and know how it works aye

you don't need to get it past someone aye there's not somebody who doesn't work in a comedy club being like I can't let you tell that

joke on stage tonight oh can I not even try it nah sorry but I tell you what we've come up with a version of this joke we've weakened it we've took the impactful

bit out of it because we thought it might be a bit too much for our audience and we've softened the joke so it's more palatable but then the punchline doesn't make sense because the punchline was in the juxtaposition of the tones and you also have something that happens at the end that's kind of pivotal to that happening.

So that needed to be the way it was without being changed. Otherwise, the dominoes are going in different directions and it won't tip this one later. Oh, so we're going to have to change that as well then. So we're going to have to totally re-route your whole script and the new route isn't funny. But we're still going to put your name on it that you wrote it. Is that okay?

He has a fraction of the money that was promised the new route isn't funny but we're still going to put your name on it that you wrote it is that okay? he has like a fraction of the money that was promised because it went through a bunch of different people before it got here aye is that alright? you're like tell you what

can I just not write scripts? can I just go back to do what I'm actually good at which is stand up fucking comedy aye and even name sometimes I'm not that great at that

I'm just being modest I'm very good what was the Mitch Hedberg line again about the if you cook and you like cooking oh yeah

and you learn how to cook then someone comes along and is like hey can you farm did we finish our stories well my acid story

was just going to end up with me going down in the lift, uh, enjoying the mirror, even though it was kind of freaky, it was like, I enjoyed it in a weird way. And I like, it's not going to hurt us.

Just look into the mirror, just embrace it. Like if, if you let yourself be freaked out, you would freak out. Yeah. In a, in a hall of mirrors on acid.

I am to kind of just but if you just if you just stare at it and then look at it and enjoy it and just watch everything move and accept that everything's moving yeah and it's grand and then i just walked down the mersey and fucking fucking love this tide was outside just splattered off the wet sand and then the tide would come back in and i would get wet and made satisfaction if i threw myself off the wet sand, and then the tide would come back in and I would get wet. Delayed satisfaction. If I threw myself off the edge, it would have really hurt because it was quite a drop. And then the tide would have washed in

and then got us. And then I would have probably been like starting to sober up. Like, oh, this is horrible. So what I'm saying is it's pleasant to me to realise that would be shade. And it's just nice because

just the way the city lights hit the water and everything just looked glorious and i just i was quite content just like sat sat watching the river for a bit it was um it was it wasn't as bad as like you know you go oh i took acid it was a big mistake the night was over i just had a different night than the one i was gonna have it wasn't a big social event but it was a much better one for a bit of introspection you know just like

just chilling out with my own thoughts you're going to read out what two shows yep um Air Inverness

and Auburn's Guildford I think most of those were sold out but go check them anyway um um then Madrid we've added a show there I know I made fun of you most of those are sold out but go check them anyway then Madrid we've added a show

there I know I made fun of you for ages you dirty lazy Spaniards so if you want to prove me wrong come out and see the show

then Belgium again Antwerp Brussels and then two shows in Tallinn Estonia and also to any

American listeners tell your friends about the upcoming show tell them about the podcast get them involved because if this America Tour sells out I stand to make fucking bags of cash stacks and bags of cash

but it has to sell out if it doesn't sell a ticket you're ready to lose bags of cash so just let's find a balance guys You can make me You know how I'm A miserable bastard

If I sell this out Oh boy I'll be I'll be I'll be Struggling to be A miserable bastard For several years

So Come out and see it Tell your fucking friends To come buy several tickets And then I can Finally retire At the ripe old age Of 31

I won't do that That's not what will happen. Please come see the shows. And we'll see the Patreons on Thursday where the people who are on the Your Dad tier are going to be granddad soon. Do you want

some sparkling water? No. Why? Because sparkling water is horrendous. That's not the bit. Why do you not like sparkling water? Because it's not enjoyable. Same reason I don't like fizzy air. This isn't the bit.

You do this wrong every time. It doesn't scan. It doesn't work. No, we've not done... You're dad jokes! It's not the end of the podcast! Have you got your dad jokes? Yes!

It's the... Why do you insist on... This is right. So I wouldn't let you ruin the start of the fucking show. I wouldn't let you ruin the start of the show with your shitty little jingles. So you're like, I'm going to come from the other end

and I'm going to butcher the end of it by getting rid of our normal ending and doing a bit that does not scan. You should have done the bit on while you're like I'm going to come from the other end and I'm going to butcher the end of it by getting rid of our normal ending and doing a bit that does not scan you should have learned a bit on while you're doing it you stop talking

when I press it that's not the bit that's not the bit the bit is you get angry and you get angry when you have dad jokes

your dad your dad got coke dick and the wind changed and it stuck like that I remember that from the car the other day. Have you honestly not read any? Nah.

Lazy bastard. How are they in part of me dad? Your dad became a card-carrying member of the KKK because the movie White Men Can't Jump started it. Your dad cannonballs in the shower.

Either that or he's holding onto his knees and crying in there for some other reason. Just caught the end of it. Your dad did a nude calendar for dogs called Fetching Young Boys. And no matter how many times I explained all dogs are technically naked, he still insisted it be sold as adult content. young boys. And no matter how many times I explained all dogs are technically naked,

he still insisted it be sold as adult content. Your dad charges your mum's vibrator with a giant hamster wheel as it's the only way of getting out of breath to satisfy your mum that he can think of. These are good. Why did I not write any? And your dad does a camp voice Whenever he phones 999 Hiya Me again Sorry

The stripper's not here yet Well We'll put this out shall we? We I'll put it out Aye