Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.39 Uncomplicated Relationships

Episode Date: September 29, 2021

Muggins and Cream reminisce about a time when there was fuel enough for everyone and everyone (except Matty) was having a great time. A time when they got more excited about hoovering with their noses instead of actual hoovers. 

Welcome to Sloss and Humphreys On The Road. It is me, Muggins. I have just done a podcast here with Cream and we talked about the good old days. The days when we done loads of shagging. I mean, it wasn't good old days for somebody, namely Matthew Canning, our good friend Matty there. Pinsa! We throw him under the bus where he rightfully belongs and he is not here to defend himself, just how we like it. So we've also just fuelled up the car without panicking. We're casually, calmly fuelled up the car to go to Inverness. So obviously we talk about the fuel crisis and the failure that is Brexit, but it is mostly a podcast of nostalgia sandwiched between politics.

If you listen to this on any of the free channels, you know, like Spotify and Acast and iTunes and that, first of all, thank you for being here. Thank you for listening to our podcast ahead of the many fantastic podcasts that are on offer. And if I could tempt you to join us on Patreon, it's only £3 a month for the first tier. And for that tier, you get bonus episodes on a Thursday.

You'll get this episode in every monday episode on a monday instead of getting it on wednesdays you'll get it when the topical topics are still topical and that was a hard ass sentence then i made it look i made it look fucking easy that tongue twister uh so yeah please come join us on on patreon people that are subscribing already thank you for keeping the lights on it's fucking wonderful that yous are here uh keeping us moving and um i hope you're enjoying the videos that we've been creating thank you to the 10 pound patreons for bringing that to the table um your names are in the credits of all of the videos now and also we have got some signed posters i've requested your addresses in your inbox if you haven't checked your inbox already on patreon go check that out because

we've got the same posters we're going to send them in your direction as soon as we have your address and we're looking forward to having them up on your walls and fuck it i'll see you on tour and enjoy the podcast we will be back on thursday for those of you that chip in sloss and humphries on the road muggins and cream cream and muggins straight thuggin living the dream that's our intro fucking muggins, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro. Fuckin' muggles. Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done.

Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Oh, muggles. Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11?

You're all pretty smug about having an electric car right now, eh? Why? Don't you know? Know what? People are panic buying fuel, Daniel. Are they? They are. Why?

Because people thought there was going to be a fuel shortage. Oh, okay. And there wouldn't have been, unless everybody panicked. Is it like the great toilet paper shortage of 2020? I think this is exactly exactly like it but with petrol Right okay People are shoving petrol up their arse Guys come on They really are

Using it on Halloween To throw over somebody's house as a prank Very different prank That's a murder attempt You got it all wrong Trick or treat motherfucker So i had to go and fill the tank to because we're going to inverness right yes so i had to go and fill up the petrol and you know what can i just say it's one of those good days you've not had one of these for a for a

while because we've got back to it now this isn't a this isn't a complaint it's going to sound like a complaint it sounds like it's not one, I'm going to take it as one. Right. So we don't... We don't have a tour manager anymore. Uh-huh. And this isn't the bit. We don't have a tour manager.

I'm going to get rid of that button. Fine, okay. It's what it's called. It's what it's called. When we have a tour manager, manager tour manager drives us everywhere and and obviously because the pandemic put everyone's career back five years across the board we shouldn't be complaining from a position where we still get to and that just means like i've got to do what one soundtrack i'm still gonna go to theaters and and and and you know what when you live a certain way it's hard to go back and having a tour manager

who would just drive you to the next gig and then drive you back, it's just nice. It's just really nice because you can do what you want. You can act how you want. Watch the match in the car. You can have a fucking sleep.

You don't have to worry about how tired you are. You don't have to drink coffee at unreasonable times to just see yourself. You can live your life normally. And I get to do that today because we're taking your car up north. Aye. Aye.

Because I'm going to drive up. And I morally don't drive any petrol cars anymore. Is that right? You said that's going to sound like a complaint, but at the minute it was just like... No, the complaint was the lack of the tour manager. The complaint was... Oh, I was ready to get defensive.

No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, sorry. I wasn't complaining to you. I was like, I was rolling my sleeves up to fake my own corner there I was like no matter what he said even if he's right I'm arguing it

no no that was to let the fans know that I'm not I'm about to my diamond shoes are too tight and I want them to know I'm wearing them which as we've said

when your diamond shoes are too tight I paid a lot of money for those shoes how do they not fit you don't want them to pinch there you don't I paid for these fucking money For those shoes How do they not fit You don't want them To pinch there You don't

I paid for these Fucking shoes Custom made shoes And they don't Fucking fit me It looks like I'm Having a class time On Instagram

With my diamond shoes But no one can feel How my toes Are just bunched At the end You've fucked me Out of it Like if your normal

Shoes are too tight That's fine How much did you spend On those normal shoes How much are your shoes 20 quid 30 quid No I don't even think

You can get normal shoes For 20-30 quid anymore No I think you're looking Just for a normal pair of shoes I reckon you're looking At about 60 quid Really

You know if you just want A pair of cons Is that Brexit as well If you want a pair of cons Or whatever Aye Bit of a con Well it depends

If you want to go Like I'm I'm getting to the The age now Where I'm just walking Around Sainsbury's Just going I should just buy my clothes From here Because I'm just walking around Sainsbury's just going I should just buy my clothes

From here Because I don't care I just I don't care Like I've got I've got a fiancée Who loves me And like if she wants

To dress me up in ways That makes her want to Fuck me more Good on her I go I'm more than happy To stand here Dress us however you want us

As long as I get to have a garden Now because if it's my turn You're dressing like a pure ass slut I don't care if you're pregnant No Do you see that's the That's you're dressing like a pure-ass slut. I don't care if you're pregnant. No, you see, that's the thing. You just look like a pregnant slut.

They're better at weddings. By the way, just for anybody listening to this that isn't a patron and listening on Monday now thinks Natalie's pregnant because of that bit. Aye. Is she not?

No. Then what's her excuse? Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. She's still carrying the dog away. That's just carrying the dog home at the end of the walk. I think we can only get away with this because she looks remarkable. You remark on her flashes. You look lovely, baby. I just love love you that's what I say to be creaky door

sorry I've lost a thousand points if we dress them oh yeah if we no no because you were saying there like

I don't mind being not dressed by Cara but like she'll go that looks nice that looks nice and then I'll try them on and then I'll pick my favourite of those ones

which is a great system yeah because I don't like lots of choices I can narrow things down. She shortlists you. It gives the illusion of choice that you're dressing yourself.

And hey, it's an illusion I'm happy to be in. Uh-huh. It's not a bad one. But I do feel that if we were to dress them, they're better at dressing slutty than we would be at dressing them slutty. Aye. Because we think we know what we'd want.

Because I went to Vegas the first time me and you went to Vegas, 2013. Mm-hmm. first time I had first time I had a coke thanks Barry aye snitch snitch

it was you as well you fucking cunt aye yeah it was snitch double snitch wait no so wait your problem wasn't

that I was wasn't your problem wasn't that I was snitching it was that I wasn't giving you credit right okay no but actually

it was Barry just if anyone's listening from the visa department aye that I wasn't giving you credit. Right, okay. No, but actually it was Barry. Just if anyone's listening from the visa department. Aye. What's that called again, the visa department? Homeland Security? Yeah. I wrote a tweet about drugs the other day and then deleted it.

Did you? Because I have to put my social media handles on my visa application. Oh. So they're looking at all my stuff at the minute. Oh God, mine are going to think I'm really really boring on Twitter because Marlene has been doing it

for two years now he can't get a visa for being funny but he thinks he's an alien of extraordinary ability what's his ability to put a quip with a photograph of a venue

yeah lock up your bats oh god she put a picture of St Michael's Cave in Gibraltar with lock up your bats oh god she put up a picture of St. Michael's Cave in Gibraltar with lock up your bats

and I had to I had to message her and I was like for the love of do not put any of just the venue and the time

and that's it don't add any of your flair and don't add any of what you think my flair is you know what it was as well I had recently posted a picture of me

you and Lewis Capaldi saying, lock up your grannies. The lads are out tonight. Aye. Which is just a fucking hack. Hack lane. It's been a hack.

Everyone knows that. Lock up your dads, lock up your daughters. Everyone knows that, like, your granny loves Lewis Capaldi's music. Aye. So that's out of line.

I like Lewis Capaldi's music. I know, but so does your granny. Aye. That's the draw of a minute You can enjoy them and your granny can enjoy them So I put lock up your grannies And she saw that as like that's the formula we use for jokes

She's like wait what's in a cave Bats are in caves lock up your bats It is like whenever you see like new New open spots Who've clearly watched all of Jim Jefferies and Anthony Jettleneck also I don't know if it's still common now

but when I was first doing comedy every single open maker done like I look like someone and someone had a love child right which like I look like

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the

the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the I look like the Displace of digging In these two people I look like I had a baby But when Apart from in that Hack joke Does love child Ever get used Love child's normally For like a TV show or something Or like

Oh it's the It's the love child of You know EastEnders meets John Wick The love child What It's like a combination

Like it's So it's always Just used as a combination but even then it's suggesting that you would call your baby a love child

no I think love child we're having a love child it's a boy no love child's out of wedlock I think I think that's the point it's like

it's between these two celebrities and then like obviously neither of them wanted the kid and so they just fobbed it up so it's like hate child

aye or lust child oh it was like hate child? Aye. Or lust child? Oh, it was made in the passions of... The Christ. Love. Aye. It was made in the passions of love. And then, or when they thought they were in love,

it created. And then they were like, I don't want this anymore. So when we were in Vegas, that was class, by the way, because we were racked up for our landing. That was because it was my first time in vegas yeah and well anyway on that trip on that coke fueled vegas trip that was fucking awesome how we used to live um i bought natalie a hooters vest quite a small one because like wear them tight all right roughly boobs knee

bra i was like this is quite I'd like to see my new girlfriend my very new girlfriend in a hooters in a hooters top because like it's trashy and I'm trash she laughed at it

hard I'm not wearing that no Kai not for me i even got us some like candy cane stockings once oh god you fucking pedophile and then i wouldn't let her wear them because they're all red and white i bought them thinking like oh these will be like sexy like Santa because it was criminal Christmas now spice things up again again

just around Christmas we like to have a very placid missionary 11 months of the year and the second we start the second we start opening the doors on the advent calendars that's when we get kinky and we spice it up every day to different size butt plug and you'd think they're going ascending order nope every day's

a gamble three years ago it was the biggest one came out first of the month was wasted uh natalie's from the middle east anyways just always spacing things up okay hey come on now always spacing things up. Oh, go away. Hey, come on now. It's very funny.

I was like, you know what? I'm saying, I wouldn't let her wear them without red and white. She would also not have worn them. No. But then I was like, it's for the best anyway.

I didn't put two and two together. I'm dressing it with a fucking Christmas macum. Well, it is their season. Nobody has a black and white Christmas. None since the 40s. I said, since it with a fucking Christmas macum well it is there it is their season nobody has a black and white Christmas nothing since the 40s

since it's a wonderful life aye which is a it's a it's fine as a movie aye it's one of those

it's one of those ones where like you know how like most not most I'm going to say like 30% of classic movies and classic books

the only reason they're considered good now is because they're classics they don't hold up because mark nelson and joe heenan just can't let go of the past no but it's people like that but it's like you go man look the reason the great gatsby was considered one of the greatest books of all time was because when it came out seven other books existed and they were were just like, this one's class. It's about a man that's got no friends but does have friends. But now that we've got other books, can we all admit objectively that The Great Gatsby is fucking appalling?

I feel Wonderful Life's not appalling, right? But it's not even in the top ten Christmas movies. But I think it's just like the vibe of putting on an old movie. We went to the Groves now, you know, and Ashton Lane and Glasgow, they're kind of like Lardy Darby to Glasgow where they've got like a comfy seats cinema and they take a bottle of Prosecco in there.

But like someone still got glassed there. Did they? Because it's always Glasgow. It doesn't matter what you do. There's no fixing it. The people make Glasgow though, nah and em the people make Glasgow though Kai the people

aye the people make Glasgow the people make Glasgow scary aye it's the people's capital it's not the real capital important to remember that

no it's not the real capital not even fucking close this is a very exciting day for me I've just gotten a notification that my em my shark has been delivered what

I bought a I bought a cordless hoover Daniel oh we've got one of them you've got one already of course of course he did oh they're good have you got the one that's like does it bend at the neck is it that one it's the it's the what the wand they're like it's like 35 minutes of charge oh so it's just like a wee hand one no it's the it's the actual like it's the it's the best one on the website,

so I guess probably the one from what you've got, whatever that shite is. I want Dyson. You would have bought it, like, early doors. Like, I've probably got, like, a 2.0. I don't know. I want a Dyson Hoover, but Cara keeps saying, she's like, you only want a Dyson because it's, like,

the top of the range, best one. And I'm like, uh-huh. So I'm going to assume it's there for a reason like it's not that's not all marketing see I'm just about when I heard there was a cordless hoover

is it about marketing no no I didn't hoover enough because I've got laminate floors right through right and I just sweep up but I only like

don't hoover because you have to plug the cunt in and it's a fucking fanny on but if you can have a cordless hoover I'd date it, right?

Right. But that's just who I am now. I've just discovered I fucking like these things. I ordered me Hoover. I just got my phone flashed up that me Hoover's come. And I'm like,

hey, me Hoover. And I'm like, fuck, man. We used to land in Vegas and rack up. You did. But I just get high on life now, Daniel.

I know. But also, I get what you're saying. Look, it always sucks to get older and find out also I get what you're saying like look it's always it always sucks to get older and find out what stage of life you're suddenly in right

but you can fight against that and then be one of the sad losers that doesn't admit what age they are aye like that that's the alternative and that's a thousand times

fucking worse yeah right so you can sit there and you can be depressed not depressed but fucking down and be like alright I'm fucking

like me I'm 30 now, right? My metabolism's gone. So I'm like, all right, I'm just going to be one of those cunts that goes to the gym just to not get bigger. And I do spend most of my time indoors and just wearing fucking trackies and being stupid. And, you know, but that's better than me being like,

no, no, like I'm fucking, I'm still 21. Yeah, you get weird Lineker. Oh, weird fucking Lineker. Yeah, yeah, yeah, because this is a fucking shadow point in our life like the lifestyle is there it's it's mapped out for you just fucking have a good time until we die right if that's what you consider to be a good time but like you just end up with a big sunburned belly on a beach in thailand fucking paying for pseudo affection and it sounds kind of good i don't know what i'm doing with a hoover. I don't know.

My gold chain on on the beach with my chest hairs, my wispy little spider's legs, chest hairs. I also said that from a position as if I've matured and accepted what age I am when I smoke marijuana 24-7. Aye.

That is true. Aye. But still, no, I'm sure we'll all... I quite like that was straddled two lives because I quite like that I've got my little pooch in the suburbs. I've joined the National like that I've got got me a little pooch

in the suburbs I've joined the National Trust and I've just got excited about me shark hoover but like in a couple of weeks time we're going to be partying in New Orleans

and I get to step in and out I get like I get to wear both hats aye it's kind of nice to because what it has been in the past has been full throttle

the travelling partying bit I am excited for the America Tour I had to fucking tell you this so I've got to do part of the job I've got to do like videos of like hey New Orleans I'm coming to the Fillmore Theatre on blah blah blah 30 second clip

for them to put on their social media because we're doing like 30 or so dates on the tour I've got to do fucking 30 or so dates on the tour, I've got to do fucking 30 of those, and they've all got to be in one take. So I was doing those on Friday. Using me fucking...

One for each venue. So, like 36. And now you're like a mad scientist by the 30th one, your hair's out of the place, your eyes are bloodshot and that. You're just doing this, I'm like... Just come to the gig!

But it's also like, I'm like, don't repeat jokes saying this I'm like just come to that gig but it's also like I'm like don't repeat jokes and I'm like nobody's watching all the videos Daniel like nobody's

been like okay there's this New Orleans one let's see what he said to Tennessee oh this is the same joke

he's a fucking hack I just you know do the fucking same bit of fucking

45 second banter I'm using my fucking selfie stick that he gave me a hard time for and rightly so well and rightly so because it turns out when you click the button there is a three second delay before it films oh so 36 videos without the three second

beginning yeah and you didn't you didn't like go and watch the video back on each one um no you just wanted to like factory line them yeah i lane There it is I had them all right up there I was like Ba ba ba So I've got three Perfect planning prevents Piss poor performance Daniel

It's the four Ps Fuck Six Not even close Like a third over Even close It did seem Like a lot of peas

I don't even think that was fault no I've no idea these are the reasons that you believe

I'm absolutely fucking special in it do is it that we believe that you are what you are or

you're in denial about who you are I don't think we do you have got a little rang. I don't think we do. You have got a little rang. You know, I fucking...

But there's more stories in our covers. I was self-employed at 25. I bought my own place at 22. But you can stop peaking. That's what a fucking peak is. You can fucking plateau and then everyone else can go past. I've got an Al-Qaeda on.

I'm a role model. Number two. I've got six godchildren, which I might have four. Who knows? I'm bad with numbers. I've been best man three times. I'm about twice.

I'm about to be three. I've been unmarried. Uh-huh. Well, that doesn't... Man, I know people that are married and they're horrendous. That's not a win. I'm just. Uh-huh. Well, that doesn't... Man, I know people that are married, and they're horrendous. That's not a win. I'm just saying, like,

I'm a pretty capable man. That makes coffee without a cup. Yeah. I made coffee without a cup. Did we talk about that? I think so, yeah. And then you just pour it all the way down the side of the thing. But this is the thing with it as well,

is I pressed the button on the machine and I hadn't put my cup under. Which is a dumb thing to do but I wouldn't have done it before me coffee I mean after me coffee you know what I'm saying just make your own jokes

but the way you and Natalie would tell it is like you made coffee without a cup and people just picture us poking the kettle

onto the bench I'm sorry I'm sorry is this is this Guy Humphries complaining about two people in his life

slightly spinning stories? Oh, you just exaggerated to make me seem stupid and... I imagine, like, I'm very grateful that we've got all these people that listen to the podcast, but I truly believe that what this podcast is most of the time is just catharsis for matty to just hear you called and all your spinning and all your doctoring and stuff because he suffers a fair bit of it nah not all of it mattie is accountable for everything that he's done as matt as. Did I ever tell a story about when I lived with Matty and I come home

and he'd made me bed? I don't think so. Me and Matty, Matty moved into my house, right, because one of his girlfriends took one of his houses. Aye. I can't remember which.

Fucking hell, I'm not Rain Man. But it was one of them, right? Aye. He'd lost a house. Aye. So there was a spare room in mind that was my office but um we'll put a mattress down in it because he lost the bed as well and um we'll put a mattress down so i'm at yours right we had we actually had a super successful night that night oh sexually uh sexually? Uh-huh.

Did we? We pulled in Hive. Oh, so not that successful. Yeah, actually, very much. Oh, man. God, Jesus, you took the fucking fun out of that story straight away. Oh, God. I was living on a high, then I was like, oh, man, that got a fucking great ending.

So it was really successful if your lawyer standards was it just us I think it might have been you know I think it was just us you didn't just go

out to hive to poo did you nah I'd been at the stand I think you'd come come to meet us for a pint after we went ended up on a night out

I think we brought like I think we brought like several girls back and picked one each don't spread that lie of a story I think that's what happened I think a group of several girls back and picked one each. Don't spread that lie of a story. I think that's what happened. I think a group of girls come back with me.

We didn't pick them. They picked us. Oh, no, it wasn't fucking Hive. It was fucking... Espionage. Yes. Yes. I do remember. Yes.

Aye. Did we bang any of them? Uh-huh. Okay. So, we'd had a night, right? Aye Did we bang any of them? Uh huh Okay So We'd had a night right We had a night And I hadn't really heard from Matt Me and Matt aren't in constant comms

We've got a very uncomplicated relationship Me and Matt Oh man Speaking of that Sorry to interrupt you But like Little Ali My best friend since I was like

11 or 12 years old Meant to go to his house on Friday To help him paint his new place And Like, little Ali, my best friend since I was like 11 or 12 years old, meant to go to his house on Friday to help him paint his new place. And I'm filming the videos and he phones me. And in the entire time we've known each other, he's never fucking phoned me once. Just for a chat? No. Because that makes him one of the people you can answer to.

But, yeah, so I'm looking back. Some people, if they ring you, you can't answer that. I don't have 45 minutes. I've got my fucking, Yeah, I agree with that. But I've got my phone in my in the fucking stand. And it's at the perfect height for me doing all these videos. And this is the worst time for him to call because now I've to answer. It looks like you've got a studio set up.

No, no, no. Because it's because it's not even facing me. Because I want to make sure that poster was the right way around. So I had to literally face the camera around this way. And that's why I'm using the fucking button. So to come around, see why it's fucking running. See that. I'm like, I around this way and that's why I'm using the fucking button so to come around see why it's fucking running

see that I'm like I don't want to answer this because I'm doing this but then at the end I'm like there's no reason he would phone unless it's like an

actual emergency he's never phoned me before phone him up hey man have you left to come to ours yet I was like no

I'll be there at 2 he's like okay wrong number no no he thought you were coming yeah he said no no have you left on your way to ours are you meant to be going to his yeah I'll be there too. He's like, okay. Wrong number? No, no. He thought you were coming. Yeah, he said, no, no. Have you left on your way to Paris?

Are you meant to be going to his? Yeah, I was going there for a bit. I was meant to be there in like two hours. And I'm like, no, I'm not going to be there for two hours. He's like, okay, bye. And I'm like, the fuck was that? What an absolute, like, for somebody that's been golden in an uncomplicated relationship, like you say,

your entire life, you't fought for each other like Ali's Ali's really really good like Ali will Ali's won the checks and he keeps our group together right because we're all lazy pieces of shit

I love that we're sending out the message that an uncomplicated relationship means you don't talk to each other but it's you don't bother each other unnecessarily is what it is I know I'll see you at some point

I know we're going to organise I don't need to keep filling that cup it's gonna be full when i say it like and it's not gonna be like oh we've not spoken for ages it's an adult relationship where you can just go back into it go around to his house later on and we're just drinking and at one point he just goes i'm really sorry about for you earlier on i was like yeah what the fuck was that about he was like me and Joanne went out to get food and she was convinced that we were just going to leave and like get to the house

when we weren't in there and I was like I'll just text her she's like no just phone him it's easier and she doesn't know that we don't call each other

how bizarre that would be you were like you just start like bracing yourself like oh my god something bad's happened there's been an accident it's just him and Brobly

he's like see I told you I shouldn't have phoned him I told you you freaked him have phoned him I told you you freaked him out you worried him and I'm like you did you man

you can so to any people out there if your friends have you know if you're in a relationship with someone

who seems to have uncomplicated or unclose relationship with his friends don't change that please for the love of god

trust me I've been friends with a cunt for 20 years we know what we're doing anyway Matty so like I didn't have any comments with him throughout this because why trust me I've been friends with the cunt for 20 years we know what we're doing anyway Matty so like

I didn't have any comments with him throughout this because why would you when you come back you'll catch up you'll be like we went back to

Slaus's we had four girls there apparently I feel like I'm just part of a story that you've spun to me oh no I do I do remember it

I do I don't think I banged though on the are you sure because I I thought we both I I think we just

considered it a success that girls came back I don't I don't think we cherry on the ice and on the cake Daniel I'm not an asshole I remember my girls

I remember my but I remember that's why I'm saying they're all special to us in some way you know what was her name I know it as well oh do you

I only know it because you kept calling her Morven Freeman ah yes yeah yeah I remember when Natalie wrote Matty's card for

his house she was like what should I write and all that I was like this card isn't out to do with me and Matty this is you and him

yeah like if you're buying Matty a card for his house like that's not we don't need him to do that so I get home come into the house

and I go into my room and I wasn't the type to make me bed I was a single man what was that Pete Holmes Laney Tilters I make me bed now I was a single man. What was that, Pete Holmes, Laney Tilters? I make me bed now.

Oh, the Pete Holmes bit is just like when a single man makes a bed. There's no sadder sight in the world than coming back to a maid bed as a single man. I'm not a recovering alcoholic. That's it. I don't need that type of structure in my life. I come home to fucking hospital call and somebody bedraces

only Matty got a key and I'm just like what the fuck's happened here he's banged on it this is suspicious so I'm thinking as he banged it I fucking look and there's like four of me family's face

do know what I'm afraid is this true I'm like he must have he must have banged up my bed but like he's not in i didn't come back that late you know so it's like he's made me bed when he took off took a home whatever right um what had actually that because that night we're like having a spliff and play playstation that i remember I'd ask him I'm like did you make my bed this morning and he went oh I didn't get a start on that I was like what

I need you to I need you to start on that he brought a girl back from a night out that he just met great right he's in bed

his bed the mattress on the floor no he didn't take it the mattress on the floor good straight he pops into my room and puts a picture of me and my family

face down while she's at the toilet right just because he doesn't want to come that quick comes in and then and she just wants to cuddle

oh okay he's just lying there just horny and he's like oh damn I literally just can I just sneak out and go out of me mattress

have a wank there and then come back have a wank on me mattress I'll come back we can snuggle after that but I'm trying to respect you but my dick's not going to

so I need to get rid of him reasonable man would have just been like you know what like I'll see you another time we'll go out for a date we'll take it slow

right Mike was like I'm going to text my ex he's lying in bed next to this girl right text his ex right he's chatting away

to her in bed and all that and she invites him to run for a shag he fucking snuck out he snuck out of the house Matthew Canning left this stranger

that he'd met in tune in me bed and bless her heart she teed it up she made me she made me bed well I mean she'd sit at

the lovely cuddle hotel staff were nice a bit forward but respectful in the log well not that respectful

but it's respectful when he was like okay you don't want anything I respect that your boundaries

are your boundaries I'm off though I am off though what those are your boundaries. I'm off, though. I am off, though. While those boundaries are here, which I'm respecting,

I am fucking gone, though. I've got stuff to do. I get it, right? You're not consenting for sex. I'm not consenting for cuddles. So the cunt rack talks have broke down here. No, you can stay. here no you can stay yeah of course you can stay I don't live here

help yourself to help yourself to anything if you like any of the ornaments have them alright feed any of the food labelled Kai in the fridge all the stuff labelled Matthew

is mine by the way I hadn't labelled the food Matty Hiddleston didn't label food I would never have lived with him I can't imagine living I think I'd move out with someone the day they labelled the food

Aye Like if I lived with someone and they labelled the food I'd eat and leave Do you think that's because you didn't go to uni? Babies Because I'm with you And also just because my diet Is so particular I've never had a fucking problem

With other people Eating my food or vice versa Like when I was living with Jean I was never eating Jean's goat cheese If you know what I mean I was never I was never delving

Into her pickle jar That's actually not true I do like pickles Thanks man It's nice to see that one Cain words So you do admit it's your name Damn

Hot damn it Aye So but I never had a problem there But if somebody was going to be like This is mine This is mine Like if you're on a specific diet Like you're like training for something I get it but Like this is mine this is mine like if you're on a specific diet like you're like

training for something I get it but like this is mine I just make eye contact with you and there's but I reckon that's a I reckon that's a uni

college I reckon most people would disagree with you here I guess like we haven't been on like when we've lived together and when I lived with Matty we weren't necessarily

on like a shoestring budget we're like we just ate the same stuff anyway we'll get food in we'll like we'd be having kind of, we just ate the same stuff anyway, we'll get food in, we'll like, we'd just, we'd be having meals together and we'd eat the same shit.

Uncomplicated relationships, like just fucking, and it also like, a bit, a bit of fucking, like if I see something in the fridge that isn't mine

and there's only one of it, I'm not eating it. Like, I'm not like, I'm not being a dick, like as much as I'm joking on that, I can't, like I'd only take that

if they labelled it. I wouldn't do it if they don't label it, I know what's, you know. And there's also, there's some things that you can eat where you always go, right, I didn't on that. I can't, like, I'd only take that if they labelled it. I wouldn't do it if they don't label it. I know what's, you know. And there's also, there's some things that you can eat, we always go,

right, I didn't buy that, but I can eat that. But I didn't buy that, but I can't eat that. That's clearly. You can't start somebody else's tiramisu. Also like,

bread and eggs and milk and cheese. They're just common ground, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Common ground, fucking keep them topped up.

Aye. You can't take somebody else's meat, unless you're cooking a meal for them. Like fucking keep them topped up aye you can't take somebody else's meat unless you're cooking a meal for them like if they bought it you can't be

but if you are in a fucking hurry and you're like hey man really sorry like I was heading out and I ate

some of your sausages this morning but I'll buy the next pack of sausages that's aye

yeah I've got you there was another one with Matty as well I was having a freeze i was gonna say i can't believe this started this literally started because i was like matty must really enjoy listening to these podcasts because i call you out on your bullshit sometimes and it's now turned into you just saying horrible stories with my we do

all right okay which one is it this one? Don't know. Nope. Ah, fuck it. It's on a different panel. I was having a threesome. Aye. Recently? No.

Fuck, man. Natalie, Natalie, up in them gates late would be mine for longer. I'd have two dogs. I'd let her pick army dogs. As long as I get to pick the partners um now it's like around about the same year as the bed being made all right and um i went uh i went to get a condom because spillages you know having a threesome you don't want to make a mess and somebody else leans on it right okay so it's like just like well i got well i got in raw And I went looking for a condom Because I was about to wrap up

Aye To wrap up Right Wrap up to wrap up in a threesome Yeah That's the golden rule And I bust into Matty's room Matty it's like 3, 4 in the morning

He's got to get up for work at like 6.30 Still went to the bank He's on this mattress with his mate Having a threesome in the other room What a loser I work at like 6.30 still work to the bank he's on this mattress with his mate who's having a feast in the other room what a loser I bust into his room first up

you're not invited second what because he immediately thought you were just calling him in like you're just standing there with like one foot on the bed just desperately were just calling him in like you're just

standing there with like one foot on the bed just desperately trying to tap him in like WWE come on and then he taps

in it's like a wicked fucking sperm splash aye um so I just went have you got any condoms

and he just like opened one up he opened up one eye it's the only time I've really seen Mattyoms? And he just like opened one eye. He opened one eye. It's the only time I've really seen Matty angry with us. He just went,

get that out of my fucking face. He's cracked that mattress. Get that out of my fucking face. I went doing stairs to get I had one in the glove box in my car

what just in case just in case the AA man was sexy posh wanker the services why on the ice did you have a fucking condom in your glove box it's just fucking bits like a glove like your wallet

oh man it was very funny the other day like I was going I've not changed my wallet in I've had this wallet for five years

do you get new wallets I've had the same wallet for a while now do you know how there's a fucking condom in it last time I used a fucking condom well

now the last time you didn't aye aye no no no they don't get the This is the pregnancy gossips For the Thirsty Podcast

Aye Fucking Go and pay for it If you want If you want my personal life Aye We're only here to tell you If we don't have sex stories

Aye We're only here to tell you About Matty's personal life Our personal life Is on the Patreon episode Aye That'll cost you Why were we talking about pregnancy?

No so I went down to the glove box in my car Oh yeah But I lived in flats I just went to the communal area with a hard on Went into the girl park with a boner Rubbed my glove box Now I'm getting excited about my hoover I've got

I've still got I've got one condom in my wallet Don't know what to do with it Aye Do you know what Give it a vacant send off Mm Fuck your ginger lass

A dead one You've got a bone arrow Don't you Hmm You've got a bone arrow I bought you a bone arrow Do you Aye

You just take A bone arrow Aye We do need to get more Because like We've got the We've used it We've used it

On several occasions But the problem is If you miss You just hit brick wall We've got nobody Nowhere You need Something that's gonna like

Act as a How accurate is it Like can you Do you miss a lot With the target size That I got you Yes Well from the distance

We do Because also I want it to be In a like A safe-ish place So it's not gonna Fucking ricochet Do you miss a lot with the target size that I got you? Yes. Well, from the distance we do, aye. Because also I want it to be in a safe-ish place so it's not going to fucking ricochet off shit. What about up against the fence? Because if it hits wood, it's grand. Aye, but if it goes through the fence, it kills the passerby.

Or is it slatted? Aye. Then maybe you just need to get some bamboo or something. I'll think about it. Just put Matty's mattress up. Fucking stale. I just love telling Matty stories. I don't think he loves it.

I think this is what he gives over to the Patreon, just so he does that. He's like, ah, now they're talking about something else. No. You can get a dog, talk about your fucking dog since that's all you do nowadays. I've been trying to avoid that. I know you have.

And you've succeeded in 35 minutes and I know you want to talk about your dog so talk about your fucking dog. I don't know what else to say without it being just a sap. Aye. You know what I was... She had the zoomies when she was here the other day.

Which the zoomies is a real thing. Everyone knows what the zoomies are. Because I learnt it I learnt it and I've overused that term because like when we

because the last podcast episode the first podcast ended where we went in and she'd been like hype all the whole time when she was here

but the first time she was just dead placid and I was going to Natalie I was like oh they must be like what the fuck have Natalie and Kai

done to that puppy no no we know like it's a it's a puppy it's going to be a puppy for two years what have they done to it

it's fucking mental now but eh she's been she's been class she's just so affectionate man like I just I can't get enough of it

and em so what you're saying is you need your dog's love I really like it Different from who I am I do You're a normal person You just denied it

And took a stalwart stance I repressed it Aye I was a fucking Boys don't cry suicide Waiting to happen Aye Aye And thankfully You know you're taking All your love out on a dog You're not shooting up a school You know you've I was a fucking boys don't cry suicide waiting to happen. Aye.

Aye. And thankfully, you know, you're taking all your love out on a dog. You're not shooting up a school. You know, you're vetting it out now. It's healthier. It's good. Aye. Do you know, I was a crybaby as a teenager.

Mm-hmm. I mean, it doesn't surprise me. I've seen photos of you. I'd be sad. I would cry if I thought something was unfair or unjust. Aye. Or I was frustrated by something. Fucking, I couldn't help myself from having a liver quiver. Like, I was fucking having an angry cry.

Aye. Aye. I think... Like, into quite a late age as well. Aye, when did you stop? Like, probably about, like, 15. I was a bit of a crybaby early teen. Aye.

Like, as I remember, like, fucking, I overseas camping air cadets. I had a bubble of a cry baby early teen aye like as I remember like fucking I overseas camping air cadets I had a bubble or something like that so that would have been like 14 years old aye

but eh you know what probably done us the world of good probably done us the absolute world of good just fucking bleeding that radiator

I think it's good I think it's important to you know because I don't know when I started like stopping crying in my teenage years, but it's not something I learned from my dad. Because normally you just think it's like,

you get this thing drilled into you that boys don't cry, boys don't cry. But, man, I didn't have it drilled in anywhere in my life. Like, nobody, I was never made to feel ashamed about crying. I was always able to speak about my emotions and stuff. I think it was like a fucking self-imposed thing, or maybe I learned it from media or shit or maybe it was just the fact

that none of the blokes I knew cried and I was like well I can't be the one that does it as well like as an adult like from the adult life

when I realised like because I'm crying over all these injustices and then you come to terms with like there's just injustices everywhere and then you come to terms

with like oh you've been egocentric here the injustices aren't just about you there's worse injustices with other people so you like lend some perspective on your own injustices so that minimalizes your own troubles and then also you get to the logical response of like well that doesn't help like the crying on the situation isn't helping us solve the problem i think that i think that's the way that fucking men look at it, which is that crying doesn't solve the problem.

And I think traditionally a woman's argument is, I'm not trying to fix the problem when I'm crying. I'm just crying. Like, I need to let that out. This is part of the process. You can't do it while, you know, emotional. If you don't fucking vent it out, it doesn't disappear. Like, your anger that you don't quell

and that you don't release in some way it doesn't fuck off that's right have you met an alcoholic like all the sadness all the emotions that you don't actually allow yourself to feel in the moment does come up at a later time but there's no there's no worse if sometimes it comes out in stand-up and it makes you famous so repress some of it and you'll become a millionaire just let let it bottle it up, let it manifest. Use something like stand up as your release. That's what I was worried about therapy for a while. I'm like, I can't have it fully fix me. Like I've got to fix it enough. I've got to fix it enough that I'm not sad. Right. But I can't fix it to the point where I'm happy all the

time. Otherwise what would I tell jokes about? I do find like my contentment has stifled me ambition as far as my career goes. 100%. But I just, I don't know if, like, what's the main goal? If the main goal is my happiness. I think it is. Then driving my career harder in the pursuit of happiness maybe is the wrong move. Because then I'd only, I don't know, my expectations management would be all fucking warped.

If I'm living in this fucking pocket of happiness, then I'm just like, I'm alright. I push myself enough. Do you think we'll be better when we're older? Like, say if there's a point in the future, because this is a good life now, but, you know, everything dries up, things change, who knows what the future holds.

Do you think there'll be a point in, like, fucking 10, 15, 20 years' time where, for whatever reason, we're just back to putting in like fucking 10, 15, 20 years time where, for whatever reason, we're just back to putting like 200, 300, 400 series? Do you reckon we'll be better about it? Better? Aye. I've come across comics like that that are...

So have I, that's why I'm asking. Yeah, and they all seem to have drink problems and that. Hello. Aha, continue. have drink problems and that hello continue they've had their demons to conquer by regressing could that be us

could we learn from them and as well for me I haven't reached the heights you've reached. I've enjoyed all the same spoils of war. Aye. Like, I've been fucking really fortunate in that, like, I've gotten all of the fun stuff out of fame without ever being famous. Mm.

Um, so my, my level of going back to would just be the level I was kind of already at. And that was fun. And, like, you know, doing clubs and that. Aye. Um. I think I'd get better if I ever, and like you know doing clubs and that aye em I think I'd get better if I ever I don't know if I'd be

I don't know if I'd be better about my career going to shit because it's been so good so far and I think if like as long as I was financially fucking stable

I wasn't relying on it I think there'd be a bit of my heart that pined for you know the bigger rooms that I used to do but I think I would be better what would drive me to bitterness

would be if I lost my ability so if the reason I got less successful and sort of less exposed than the tours were smaller was just because that's how time works and

my fans are just getting older and fucking moving on whatever that'd be natural but if people stopped coming to see me because I was getting shitter, I think that would fucking do my nut. Because I wouldn't know what to do because I just go. If you lost the essence. Aye.

Or you're just saying. Because it's not like, it's not like fucking being a footballer where I, or an athlete, sorry, any athlete, we go,

hey man, sorry. But there is an age. Like comedy should be a fucking wisdom game yeah and i mean george george carlin took it right into his twilight years and just got better with age yeah so i much prefer his stuff from 2007 to to the stuff that made him famous yeah so it's it's that thing like i i think if you were to people start coming to see you i i would take it as a this is a reflection on my ability and my talent and that means that

that's diminished and that's the opposite what would happen so that's why i'm a failure and now i'm better about all these fucking youths with all their fucking ambition and their drive that i used to have i tell you i used to fucking drive five hours for a five minute spot you little fucking cunts unpaid unpaid well my dad used my dad used to drive me five hours for an unpaid it'll be like six people at the venue i remember psychologically quitting comedy on like my 20th gig i i i um drove to beverly which is near hull beverly hull uh that's where i wanna be beverly hull what's that what is that? Beverly Hill. Oh, Beverly Hill. Jesus fucking Christ. Beverly Hills Cop.

I can't believe I had to walk you all the way up to that place. I never heard that song. You know, Beverly Hills, that's where I want. That's not it. I definitely haven't heard that song. She's not here. No, she's in here. She's dead. She died for two. Anyway, why did you quit comedy?

It's dying for two. Also, by the way, I've watched a bunch of fucking pregnancy movies, like Kevin Hart's fatherhood movie, where his wife dies and they keep the kid. It's like yours. Am I pregnant now? The, the, there's a book where the wife dies but they keep the baby and like it's it's you're watching like the dream

or the pulling power no mine's the opposite like some people just go like you're reading the fucking books and stuff they're like you know it's very very uncommon nowadays

but you get that horrible scenario to go in and go can you please pick between your wife and your child put the baby in the blender you go fucking get rid of the baby what are the baby in the blender. You can't fucking

get rid of the baby? What are you talking about? Kill it brutally? I can't fucking rip it. What are you, like, I'll keep my wife,

please. I'll keep the one that fucking made the thing. I have no no longer. Aye. Also, look, the baby's not going

to help me get a new wife. Well, at least not for a couple of years. But once we get over this whole fiasco, she can pop another one out. Easy choice.

No disrespect to anyone that made that difficult, difficult decision but I'm just saying different pretend it was difficult, you hated her after you made that decision if you made that decision you should have watched Jigsaw before you had sex even if she was just like please keep the baby, you're like bitch you're being illogical

at this point, there's no reason why would you outlive the baby, what like bitch you're being illogical at this point there's no reason why would you outlive the baby what are you talking about how do you think I'm going to live in a world without you and a baby

you fucking psychopath I'm barely going to get through this without you I think I think the choice would always be keep Natalie alive

no even if I like oh okay no no no the choice between Natalie and the baby okay I've taken my

ok I mean Kai is a happy guy I couldn't really do this to him you were watching Kevin Hart no you were

quitting comedy oh yeah I was I was in Beverly Hills Cop I was in Beverly in Hull and I I tied with this routine on uh danny mclaughlin's awesome podcast by the way plug a couple of podcasts yeah damn

daniel podcast fucking class i've been on it recently mid-flight brawl and nick cody and luke heggie i've started listening to it back over like this which is how i think you should get into a podcast listen to the most recent one yeah keep. Keep most recent. And then back listen to them if you've got time in between the new release. Different go, ooh, there's 250 podcasts I'm going to have to start from one. You wouldn't start Coronation Street from episode one.

I would tell you this way, I started fucking Critical Role from episode one. That's narrative based. Aye, aye. But that's also poddy. Right. Quite comedy. So I was talking

on Danny McLaughlin's podcast about when he first met me I was doing a routine where you remember when I used to wear joggers? Mm-hmm. You remember when I used to pull my joggers down and pretend to be having a shit?

And I'd pull the toilet roll out to show like what you do if there's only one bit of toilet roll left and you single fold it and you have to wait for ghosty.

Aye. And I was doing that ghosty routine but I was in Beverley and it was doing that ghosty routine but i was in beverly and it was like middle-aged middle-class couples dotted around a room like probably 20 couples in a room that would sit about 150 all right dotted around with loads of space in between them and um i'd only been gigging so far to my mates because i'd only gigged in newcastle and every time i gigged people would

come people that i used to play football with people i used to work with just friends from school like i'd always draw a following because i was pretty like proactive about getting people to come to the gigs when i was like on facebook and stuff right and uh this was the first gig that i didn't have like a safety net if my pals are laughing at me dicking around on stage and i am i'm locked into a routine that they're hating they're fucking hating it took us three hours and a bit to get there right to the punchline no wonder they're fucking i was constipated to the gig and I fucking I'm pretending to wipe my arse

with my pants around my ankles on stage trying to be what I consider to be alternative being wacky right and I just had to get up

and pull my trousers up and apologise and leave the stage and drive back and fucking like like I had

what petrol was in my tank I was going to get us home I've got to get back to my job tomorrow. And I was like, why am I doing this to myself? Why have I just spent money, wasted a day for that undignified? It was my first proper bomb. And it was, like, really undignified. Well, there's no such thing as a dignified bomb.

Well, I guess you could be dignified in it. You do your stuff and you leave the stage. I still want it. I still If I bomb now I'm not fucking arsed I am arsed to the point that I'll do my best For it not to happen But if I do try my best for it not to happen And it happens I fucking did my best

And I know that I work in most places It's just more embarrassing Because you're just like Man I'm I'm quite good, right, to a lot of people. But the fact that none of them were in today, it was very humbling. Like, I'm not saying I'm for everyone, but normally I'm for 40% of a room.

And it's just mad that today 100% of a room was fully getting. My last proper fucking death was just before Netflix and it was a fucking corporate. Was it a gig you were hoodwinked into? Either by money or by false pretense or a mate runs it and the promise is

It was the money thing. I have a rule with corporates and that is I don't do corporate so I just say to Marlene just keep saying ridiculous numbers and then come back until it goes away yeah until it goes away and then just one company

wouldn't go away and I was like alright if you're that fucking I'm not changing any of my material like I'll not swear if that's the thing but you know

I'll try my best and also like I'm not going to go in there and just be antagonistic fucking Des Clark's hosting it and I love Des and he's really good at that sort of thing

as well like getting everyone's attention appealing to everybody and he was just like oh you know this next comedian he's like

when's your Netflix coming out I'm like it's gonna be in two weeks man he's like oh man so happy for you like just the nice way that Des has

introduced me on gives me a warm fucking welcome and I was booked for 20 and I did 12 13

just walked off stage and said to Marlene, I went, just give me the fucking money back. Not interested. And that's the end of my career. That's the end of my career. Then you coped, but you didn't take the money? No, I think Marlene, I think I still got like fucking half of it.

But like it was just I. But that's the end of, that was me very much being like, there's no, like I've got a house now. So there's no amount of money you could offer me to make me do a corporate gig. I sacrificed my fee once Because I didn't want to

Do the gig Halfway through it Yeah I was on at Nottingham Jonglers And no one was listening And everyone was Chatting to each other

And like I just couldn't grab them I'd been on like For five or six minutes And I've been Like that's not my first time At a Jonglers Where you kind of

Get their attention Like sometimes Just kind of get their attention They're chatting to their mates They're having a laugh At the table with their workmates it's Christmas

gigs they're out on a staff night out their entertainment's contained and I

just went in my head I was just like I don't want this money that much

I just fucking said right just try and respect the next guy

it was the Stephen Grant thing we did a tour with Stephen Grant and Mitch Ben the Gilded Balloon tour when I was like 18 19 thing we did a tour with Stephen Grant and Mitch Benn

the Gilded Balloon tour when I was like 18, 19 and we were filling up with petrol and Stephen Grant was just

his thing was his outlook in the future when you do corporates you see how the money's just

going up there you need to just when you're doing a corporate just imagine that's your bank account and that's

every second you stay on stage you petrol the money into your bank account. Imagine that works for a lot of people. Speaking of fucking petrol, this brings us full circle. Why is there no petrol? Oh, so everyone's panic buying. And I had to fill the tanks because I'm coming,

we're getting in Venice, right? So I filled it yesterday before, because I'm leaving from Glasgow, so I filled it at home. And there was kind of sort of a queue, but wasn't that busy like it had Facebook had made it out like it was three hour waits

for petrol but I don't think Scotland's ever as bad as what it is in London in their roads right like you're like you read the media

as if it's the whole country and then you realise that your country is just a bit more chilled right your territory and I so there was like staff

there expecting it to be mayhem and like telling you which pump to go to but the the queues didn't really justify it it was just more like you've come at five o'clock on a monday or whatever um so like that pump there and then i went to the pump and realized the one in front's got like a no fuel sign on it and that just filled me tank anyway now like you know when you're in that situations where you're seeing on facebook that everyone's calling everyone wankers for panic buying fuel right and you're just there going but like what if you just need fuel how do you like because because there are kinds that are coming out and filling up all the things and i used to be because because I just used to work not far from my house, right? And I always put a 10 pound of petrol in, kind of guy.

I would put a bit of petrol that I needed in. I'd put her about, not going very far, right? But since I'm a 200 comic, I'd be empty to full. As soon as my tank's empty, I fill it up. It's just part of my business is that I fill my tank. My receipts going into my expenses. I'm filling the tank and i'm just there going i just wanted to shout everyone i'm not panicking that would have the opposite desire effect i'm not panicking guys i'm not this is a rational decision that i'm making freely look feel my pulse do i feel like i'm

panicking i'm not panicking oh that is quite fast Uh huh I think it's because I'm screaming I think that's because I'm worried That you think I'm panicking Which I'm not I'm not doing it I'm not panicking But I'm panicking That you think I'm panicking

Oh my god I have anxiety What are you You guys can't judge me for panicking You're here too You ought to put your camera phone away Put your camera phone I'm not panicking Panicking Skywalker

Panicking Skywalker. Panicking Kai Talker. Oh, sure. That was, I've actually already cracked that joke. You know how Natalie got a bust to hang her wedding dress on? Like a framework, a metal frame. I'm trying not to say mannequin. And it's just always at the foot of the bed looking at this. So I called it the mannequin Kai Stalker.

Oh, okay. Which is way better than the pun that we've just done. It is. I just showed you it with all of its ingredients. But you didn't crowbar it in. I just crowbarred in how capable I am in the pun game. If I was that way inclined. You brought in your pun CV.

game if I was that way inclined you brought in your pun CV I'm glad I never threw a CV again you know what would be a really funny thing for us to do both apply for the same job you'd get it I've got

no illusions about my my qualifications my intellect and my people skills but what about your charming interview I'm not gonna be

I'm not gonna be charming in a fucking job interview for ten pound a fucking hour you totally forget I look like I steal out the petty

petty cash aye but I just I just I don't I would be able to be nice and charming

like if it was in a if it was in a job in sales right I reckon I could maybe blag my way through it just confidence wise now I've got a jolly accent

anyone's buying shit from me I because that's the thing I couldn't I'm not you also would have to be like something international where it was like

communication with like America. Why? Because that's when my accent would encumber us rather than helping us. Anything that was like a customer service based. So I'm like the wee Scottish fucking phone call centre for some American company. In India. It's the only place that will hire me. Let's both apply for a call centre in India and see who gets it.

I don't think I'd be. So the petrol thing, I filled up the tank, right? And then on the way here, I went to get some chicken tenders from McDonald's by the airport. And there wasn't any queues at the petrol station and when i was going to mcdonald's i noticed all of the pumps were no fuel available oh so it's out and then i drove past the airport and i saw no fuel available just on the unleaded on both of them that seem to still have plenty of diesel but that's not good to her um so the airport one seemed to be out as well so i think i think it's because bp didn't have enough lorry drivers so they were about to

have a shortage well i think it was so from what i've been told and this is very funny is that be so obviously brexit's a failure and of course it's a failure i was always going to be a failure people don't want to work nobody was taking their jobs they were taking jobs that only they would do yeah so it's like

all these immigrants are taking our fucking jobs and what those jobs were doing was they were driving lorries around the UK and then during the pandemic all of our immigrants went back to

their home countries to spend time with their family and work there and do the things that you do during a pandemic and now they cannot get back into the country. Because the visas are fucking

expensive. They've got like seven grand or something to get a visa for a company. And now none of the poor morons who were like they're taking our jobs can't even fucking drive these cunts. Aye. They don't want to do the jobs that are now fucking free. They don't want to do those jobs. You're like well those are the ones that were

taking you. Just admit you're a racist. That's what happened. The thinly veiled racism is fucking detrimental to everybody. And it's just like, I fucking, even though, even though like we're having one nose rubbed in it, right. Cause it's happening to us too. It's like seeing those cunts having their nose rubbed in it is almost worth going through it yourself. Like, you know when you're in the Brexit queue and you see the fucking angry Karens and Gammons that are in the queue that otherwise wouldn't have been here

if it wasn't for their vote? Why am I queuing so long to get to Spain? Because you voted for them. When you're seeing them losing the privileges that they voted against, oh, it's fucking great, man. Expats getting deported, getting in veins. Oh, I love when that happens.

Like Mark Nelson pointed out, Brexit-provoking farmers and stuff like that that are fucking struggling now. great man expats getting deported getting more i love when that happens like mark nelson pointed out like brexit voting farmers and stuff like that that are struggling now like you're you're like get get it get it down here like um i put i put a joke on the food um i obviously don't agree with rubbing your dog's nose and the dog left on the carpet uh but i love that it's happening to brexit voters um and so somebody fucking replied it was having a whinge because he voted for brexit because he thought it would make the tory party look bad and people would then vote them out in 2019 and all that shit right which is fucking for me he's cutting off your leg because your toe hurts right and um and then

i was like oh well just replace brexit vote for Tory vote. And if that gets the shit off your nose, the joke still works. It was like, joke was it? Don't quit the day job, which to a comedian is the highest compliment. You might not have known I was a comedian, but telling a comedian not to quit your day job means you're doing well with your gang. There's no lower insult in the world than so-called comedian. You're like, man, I understand what you're trying to do there. And again, comedy is subjective,

and subjectively you think I'm shitting you any time with that. But objectively, I am good enough at my job that I own a house and a car. So, like, it's not... Yeah, there's food in me belly because of me silly jokes I get you were

fucking lied to and that's why you vote for Brexit but you understand but there's also a bunch of people screaming at you

that you're being lied to like people that have like clearly got a higher IQ that's not true that's not true

you think there's intelligent Brexit voters no no but I don't think the left are any more Intelligent than the right at all I think that's an absolute false equivalency Like I know

Left wing people and they're fucking dumb as shit They're equally stupid They fall for the same fucking propaganda The other way around, they get wound up by Don't get me wrong, Trump was a piece of shit But some of the stuff they were getting wound up by You're like, man, it must be the easiest thing, being a journalist, to antagonise the fucking left,

because all you do is print one thing out of context and they will do the fucking rest and they'll burn themselves down to the ground. The left are no more intelligent than the right. Aye, it's true. But it was a fucking stupid vote, though. Anyway, what a stupid vote. Like, if you voted Brexit, right, never play chess.

What, you couldn't see this coming, what's happening? Aye. You couldn't just look a couple of moves ahead and go, oh, aye, uh-huh. Whoops. It's just the fact that you all trusted Boris Johnson, the man who's lied through... Anyway, anyway, anyway.

Let me read out some fucking tour dates. I actually remember my dad jokes this time. I've been pretty lax with them. St. Albans, 30th of September. Guildford, 1st of October. Madrid, 2nd of October. Ghent, 3rd of October. Antwerp, Brussels on the 4th and 5th.

Pause. Did the second Madrid date get added? Nope. Did I not see you plugging it on your Insta story? Yeah pause did the 2nd Madrid date get added nope did I not see you plugging it on your insta story yeah that's just the Madrid

oh sorry I thought you added the next one no it's just that one Brussels two shows in Tallinn on the 6th and 7th and then the

American tour which goes to Boston, Washington New York, Philly St. Louis Medford, Atlanta Indianapolis Pittsburgh, Albany Concord, Grand Rapids Cincinnati, Ann Ar New York, Philly, St. Louis Medford, Atlanta, Indianapolis Pittsburgh, Albany, Concord, Grand Rapids

Cincinnati, Ann Arbor, Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis You sound like an animaniac San Diego, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Portland Seattle, Phoenix, Denver, San Antonio, Austin Dallas, Houston, New Orleans And then there's more UK dates after that which I'll probably cancel some of because I won't be bothered

doing them So that was, that's where I'll probably cancel somehow because I won't be bothered doing them. So that was, that's where we'll get on to. Weirdly, get what visas when we land? Do we? Have you heard of that before?

Yeah. Because normally you go to the embassy, you give them your passport, your documentation, they tell you you've got a criminal record and you need to look into it, you get your passport back a week later. That sort of fucking shenanigans. This time, we've got a criminal record and you need to look into it. You get your passport back a week later. That sort of fucking shenanigans. This time, we've got our interview for our passport, for our visas, in the airport.

And that doesn't sit quite right with me. In the airport on the other end? At LAX. Oh, wow. So what if, like, what if they said no? And we're already there and we're like, oxy. Very annoying if you and Neil both get through this, just be like. We couldn't actually because my visa is attached to yours.

Oh, okay. So mine depends on yours, but yours doesn't depend on mine. So, like, if yours has got, like, a typo on your name, if you filled it in wrong or something, you put the wrong passport number in, it all crumbles. Yeah. But, like, it's just a different art. It's very nerve-wracking.

It's a bit of Jeopardy, isn't it? It's the blood pumping. Might not, might not work. Anyway, we hope to be coming to America. We'll see. Well, we're definitely coming to America. We're leaving the airport. We're going to get full Tom Hanks

and just kick around the terminal for six weeks. Your dad won't buy FIFA 22 because the players don't take the knee before the match fair fair fucking Alonso

oh they won't take the knee they won't take the knee that's why he won't buy it before the match he won't buy it because they won't take the knee so if they took the knee

he'd buy it which means he supports equality you want them to take the knee so if they took the knee he'd buy it which means he supports equality you want them to take the knee before every game in FIFA can you skip it no

that's why he's not buying the game it's an unskippable cutscene like not on the press X but like hold X nah it's an unskippable

bit of a cutscene I'm with him I get it I once kissed a frog and it turned into your dad and I autopsied him anyway for my science project your dad used to make

your bubble baths by lathering his arse in fairy liquid and farting over the side of the tub don't pop them but that's the fun bit your dad flops in and out of the bath head first

like an alligator your dad hates the hose pipe band because he thinks it interferes with his wanks I can't tie it around my neck at all it's fucking bullshit but I kind of put it in front of the exhaust in my car while I'm wanking what's wrong with this country? fucking Brexit Oh, shit. But I kind of put it in front of the exhaust in my car. Well, I'm wanking.

What's wrong with this country? Fucking Brexit. Fucking nanny state. You can't even start your car because it's need to be prepped. Horsepaper, can't get any fuel. How am I going to fucking have this non-contact strangle wank? Your dad super glued his teeth together to stop him sticking his tongue out in strangers Now he just grins wildly at them Your dad puts a clothes peg on his willy overnight

So he doesn't wet the bed Because that's how he dries his clothes The alternative is your dad puts a clothes peg on his willy Because it smells Your dad accidentally asked a genie Because it smells. He didn't put it on his nose. Your dad accidentally asked a genie for more dishes and he hasn't been out the kitchen all day. Your dad calls free kicks long-range penalties. It's a real American Soccer term there

Fucking nil all PKs Offsides Offsides Offsides Offsides plural Plural Defence

Your dad pisses like a garden sprinkler Because he has to try a happy ending at acupuncture podcast done