Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep. 44 Edibles

Episode Date: April 6, 2017

Sloss has returned from his weed induced coma and tells some tales about edibles including the story he loast confidence in last week when he was high as petrol prices. We're joined by global legend Nick "The Crusher" Cody in his residence in Melbourne. 

Sloss and Humphrey's on the road! Muggins and cream, creaming muggins, straight thuggin', living the dream And that's our intro Fucking muggles! Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh Woohoo! Hahaha! They said it can't be done!

Are we in the same seats? That's hack Aww, muggles Accidental rim job in the park Kiss kiss kiss Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fucking Mugglepedia Where have you been since 9-11?

We are back. Yay. With Crusher, Crusher, who wears blusher. And his mother's a gusher. Half of that's true. It's Muggins and Cream back on the road with our guest today, Nick the Crusher Cody. Yay. Good night, guys.

First things first, Let's talk about me I would like to apologise To the podcast listeners For last week's episode Where I was so high I took an I haven't heard this one yet Well it's not good

On my behalf Oh is this where I saw you that day And you were super quiet Cody I was so bad after that He thought I was in a half of them Yeah He was just high as fuck

Yeah so I don't even think we explained properly on the podcast because I so flippantly said he had an edible, expecting people to just know what an edible is. But it's when you cook weed into a sweet, into a cookie, and when you eat it, when you eat weed, it changes it from tetrahydrocannabinol to 11-hydroxymetabolite, which is a potent hallucinogen,

and can just make you really fucking trippy and drowsy and fucked up. And you had ate weed, which changed the compound and fucked your shit up. Oh, it absolutely did. The same thing happens every time you do edibles, which is not high, not high, not high. Oh, God, I'm dying.

I can see the moon on my insides. Yeah. And I had a joint, because we were going to go for lunch with Andrew Stanley and Gene, and then Guy was going to go somewhere else to meet Katie. So I was like, well, I've got your weed suite here. And he's like, I don't want it.

I was like, good, well, I'll just have your half. That'll spite you. Didn't spite him. I basically stood. I was sat in a Japanese restaurant. And I got into a dead huffy with myself because I just got this whole new level of paranoia. It was the most paranoid I've ever been in my life. And I just couldn't use chopsticks.

And I was getting really upset at myself and i thought i was embarrassing myself and everyone so i just sort of threw them down and then i ordered a meal which was like beef and little bits of fried bread and because i couldn't use the chopsticks i was like i don't know how i don't even think if you could use chopsticks you could do this and i'm just sat there just making tiny little hand burgers at like a public table and just like 20 minutes or what felt like 20 minutes later stanley just points to the knife and fork public table and just like 20 minutes or what felt like 20 minutes later Stanley just points to the knife and fork and I'm just like oh yeah those are way better than and I thought it was done by the time I was on the podcast so then poor fucking Katie Marks

came on the first one and I'm just sat there questioning my whole existence. He's been hilarious while you stare through him. Yeah I thought you held it together all right. I built on the stag do story Cody I don't know if you heard the episode yet but he was like write it down you've got to bring up that something happened

on a stag do because I keep forgetting to tell it on the story on the podcast so we've done two and he'd not brought the story up so I had it written down

to tell him and then he brought it up with his own accord and just bailed on this story lost full confidence in it there's even a point when he tries to go no come on i'll help i'm like no i don't want to tell the story anymore but i was like i've got it written

down here to bring up the stag party story was that it and he's like yeah that was it so she should direct me to her now it was the exact same thing happened on the fucking stag do so we're going out for this stag do from frank jordan's uh wedding at byron bay and i'd gone up to nimbin two days before, where marijuana is legally, well, not legally, but the police just fucking ignored it. So we go up there,

and it's not like Amsterdam. It's way seedier. There's a park, and a guy goes, do you want weed? And you go, yeah. And he just keeps looking over your shoulder to see if the police are coming. So you pick a weed, and you buy it, and it was really good stuff.

We go to a pub. Hey, is it like a Christiania place? It's exactly like Christiania. Yeah, very much. very much exactly christiania is a place in copenhagen where the police just agree not to go oh wow so you're like a lawless little province of the city you can just go and you can buy pre-rolled joints normal joints you can only smoke it there otherwise the police will fucking do you they do it in like combat tents with like fucking weapon like with camo and shit like obviously it doesn't need to be camo art flowers it's urban but i think it's for the vibe yeah we're like not gas masks but like full fucking balaclava like

but i think it is if the police do come through or anything that they can just fucking sprint out there and not be recognized but christiania is great because in the middle of it like there's a there's a stage where people like lady gaga and ice fucking ice cube and alanis morissette and shit like people that really endorse the idea of this like lawless place there's a guy there's a guy in hamsterdam in the wire yeah yeah yeah just like a little place where anyone could go there's also a place with no rules the one rule is no taking photos that's the only thing that's like up there to stick by is no photographs that's fair enough yeah so nimbin's like a smaller version of that and on the way back right there's just there's clearly the sign was made years ago when

nimbin was a bit more thriving because the sign was, it was Mingle Park. I don't care if you're in a couple or you're single. It's my park, my rules, so fucking mingle. And it's just all these benches out. So clearly when it was a thriving thing,

you just had to go there and mingle and you enjoy the thing. Hang out with strangers. Because that was 20 years ago. It's just one old woman sat there alone and I'm like, oh, that's a pretty fucking sign. Come and mingle with us.

Someone mingle with me old vagina. No, that's probably always been like that because you hear these things about nimbin but it's only because people are fucking high as when they're there that it's great yeah yeah there's probably shit i haven't been there it's it's a long ass fucking drive together and it is in the middle of fucking like if i was a police officer i'd be like look you can sell coke there i don't have a shine coming i can you can't speed there like there's just too many corners because we're just walking through this old lady we're trying to be nice like getting in with the gist of the part like mingling and this woman's like hello and we're like hiya she's like do you want any cookies and we're like no it's fine you fucking weirdo and then two steps later my friend ellie goes you know she meant weed cookies and i was like oh here we fucking go so i turned around i'm like yeah i'll have all them

she's like i've only got uh i've only got two left i'm like how strong are they she's like take about half and this woman is 97 years old and about yeah 60 pounds she doesn't know yeah she's before measuring but also she she's like half works on me and i'm like right well i'll take six then you tiny little dog like like i'll be grand but she's got 87 years of tolerance yeah 97 years in nimbin yeah yeah yeah she's yeah which is it means she's actually 90 like 986 she's so old like if you like if they were to ever like if when she does die and they to do surgery on her like she just literally, you just cut her and she just turns into dust and goes away

and it just spells the word nimbin in the sky. She's a wisp. So I've got these two cookies and it's the day of the fucking stag do. So we've got Jordan's, the girls are off doing the hen do on the other side of the island. The boys are doing the stag do. We're going to go to a brewery, but we agree we're not going to meet up. Stags can't on the other side of the island. The boys are doing the stag do.

We're going to go to a brewery, but we agree we're not going to meet up. Stags can't be the hens and the hens. That's entirely fair. So we're drinking from about 9 a.m. We're playing beer pong with Jordan's dad and his uncle. We're all getting absolutely fucking wrecked. I've just bought a bunch of miniature little Jäger bombs throughout the day. Well, just like Jäger shots.

Whenever I think Jordan's not drunk enough, I'm just like, you have to. It's your fucking way. It's your stag do. And he's like so i'm he's hammered i'm hammered we get to the brewery and it's just all there we're just chugging it back stone and wood stone and wood is exactly and it was a great brewery tour they're very tasty beers they were um they also said to us they were like we don't normally do bucks parties but because it's if you promise to be in your best behavior you'll be fine so we get there we're a bit oh we're a bit gobbledy but in like a friendly way we're just having a little bit of fun but the woman who took us on she was very nice loved it so at the end i've

just got these two fucking cookies so hold on she took you on a tour and you had to behave when you were hammered on a stag party and it was like yeah i love that so it went from being like a beer fucking fest to you're at a museum yeah Yeah. But it was like an hour, but with free booze all the way through. So we're like, if we just keep our shit together... What was it, a tour? We did a tour. No, she just took us out,

beer tasting and stuff, and then just showed us... It's a small thing. I hate that shit at a stag do. Oh, come here to learn. Mine was at a bar. Organized shit. Yeah.

It's still an activity. I don't want to learn Any facts I want to do I'm trying to forget some I want to do stuff That's like paintballing Or go-karting

And stuff like that But which I'm also Going to be maggot for By the way Yeah I want stuff That invokes emotions Yeah Something that gets

A bit of adrenaline pumping A bit of endorphins Yeah So actually Give me some chemicals How this beer over here Is made It's actually yeast

That sits in a vat Who fucking cares Put it in a bucket Here to get maggots Because it wasn't My job to organise This dag And also

It was in Byron Bay So apart from the beach There's not a lot to do there And you can't really Fully drink on the beach The amount we intended to drink So afterwards We go back into town

And I've got these two cookies So I give one I give half Or like a third to me A third to jordan a third to grant so that's one down and then like a third to jordan's dad who's just like fuck it i'll do it and then a third to uh the the bride's brother and 45 minutes later i'm like oh this is actually he said beams his dad yeah yeah he did so yeah like a fucking legend he was just like never done it his life he was like fuck it stag do why not okay so we all take this how much easier to do it with an edible if you're if you're opposed to it oh totally someone

offers you a cookie even though you're saying to them like that they think it's like oh this is the like fucking the light version having a cookie is the light version i wouldn't have a spliff because i don't like smoking but i'll have a cookie yeah actually what you're doing is having vodka instead of shandy yeah yeah yeah it's all no i can't have that champagne it's a bit too much but could you just pour the shaker bomb up my arse that's how i want it no i just don't like the taste but it's so friendly and fluffy that it's a cookie yeah so like 45 minutes later it starts kicking in but in a very nice way like i'm like this is a good i'm giggly already and we're just drinking more and i'm like fucking there's only crumbs left i'll just have a handful of these crumbs

here's another handful for you jordan here's another handful for you grant and again the thing about weed reacting in your stomach is it takes way longer and 45 minutes later just the exact same thing happened on the podcast the other day just and my at one point like i'm just laughing and i realize that nobody's talking and i'm just laughing to myself me and jordan me jordan and grant are all laughing so hard we just assumed somebody said something so we just keep laughing at the bit but all it is is just four other people watching three guys laugh for no reason so we walked to the park i'm just i just need to lie down and we're lying on the park just the highest i've ever been and i'm like it's such a beautiful

day it's so lovely because we'd make you feel that way and then i'm like is this actually as beautiful as i think it is and then i look around and we're just there with a bunch of fucking homeless people it's like three guys maggot like this is heroin but we've got wallets and phones story yeah we've got wallets and phones on us and i'm like they're looking up at the sky they're like what a beautiful day i'm like guys we're in a park filled with homeless people it's so muggable that's what he thought the cookie crumbs were

yeah nah I just got the cookie crumbs I cooked them up in a spoon shot it into my dick turned them into a tiny little cake on a spoon nom nom nom nom nom and then

we're so high I'm like we got I've got to go back people are like what about the stag do and I'm like Jordan I don't even know

where the bar is right now but right behind us right behind us looked for five minutes couldn't fucking find it managed to sort of find our way home and

we get there and the hen do who have been out all day drinking they've just come back to get changed before they go out in the evening right so

we've accidentally crossed past them you meant to be avoiding them but you catch them on their way out there's something nicer I'll say as

a guy that just got married I didn't bump in we had ours on separate days the hens do stag do or bucks didn't bump in. We had ours on separate days, the hens do, stag do, or bucks party, as we call it. They were separate days. But like the night before the wedding or day of the wedding,

you're not meant to see your bride. But I saw Looch in the morning because she popped her head in and I was fucking so hungover. She goes, oh, just a chilled out night in. Ready to slice or drink a champagne in a spa. I don't know what happened. But the rule, I don't know if i've ever told it at my bucks party the night sorry but the night before my wedding there's a group of us at the hotel out in masseton rangers like just near where we're getting married about 50 minutes outside of melbourne and bart beforehand says to me bart

freeband fucking great comic one of our best me he goes now you know i don't drink so you've got to give me some rules and i'll make sure you stick to them and i said all right bart all i'm doing is having three beers tonight just three beers you're gonna stop me at three beers and he goes yeah man cool three beers i can jump in i said yep no worries we turn up to dinner sloss goes i've ordered champagne and wine. And I go, whoa, loophole. Fucking blind. I didn't know where that was going to go, because if Bart tried to stop you having the champagne at that moment,

like as if I'm going to make you stick to this rule, you just would have fell out. Yeah. Bart, I did year 10 legal studies, cunt. Sucked in. So, yeah, we got absolutely fucking blind that night as well. Yeah. I did year 10 legal studies Cunt sucked in So yeah We got absolutely Fucking blind that night

As well yeah Just all of us In the jacuzzi Or me Demi Lardner Kyron Wheatley And Rhys Just all in a jacuzzi

Blitz drunk Cause by the way The thing about Cody's just writing his vows On the inside of his palm Like I should have done this earlier Crossing paths though With your partner

And her friends At one of those things Is nice Cause you though, with your partner and her friends, one of those things is nice because you can look at your partner and go, they haven't fucking destroyed you. There's a nice little nod like, you all right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You all right? Yeah.

So Jordan didn't get this because we turned back and Mallory, and they're like a bit, it's only 6 p.m., right? So they've had a lovely day doing sensible things. They've had a couple of like cocktails and whatnot. They've not been drinking solidly since 10 a.m and doing fucking weed biscuits also on no food what we had steaks at like 12 that was it biscuits yeah and that's true yeah yeah never drinking on an empty stomach but he's starving over here sounds like a man that ate a cookie that's what you told me look children in africa ain't got nothing on me that's I'm saying. I don't mind if you're drunk and high. Just don't lie.

All right? So we get back, and you know that level of high where you're like, bed, bed, for the love of God. I'm going to pass out. It might as well be somewhere safe. And Mallory's there, and we come in. Now, for none of them, for some reason. And then you had to have a normal off-frequency conversation with the brighter bee. Oh, holy fuck. That's the worst. When you chat to someone that's off frequency conversation with the bride to be oh holy fuck

that's the worst when you chat to someone that's not high especially if you're trying not to act high she doesn't she also none of them knew

we were high and I'm like it's so obvious how high we are because Jordan's through there with two Pringles in his mouth

pretending to be a duck in the pool right in the pool with wet Pringles I don't know but the thing and she's like what are you doing back here I'm like oh we just the duck the thing and she's like

what are you doing back here I'm like oh we just go back for a rest she's like it's a stag do we're not meant to but most importantly

like he's worked so hard for the past six seven weeks this was meant to be like his big fucking blowout I'm like Mallory's hammered he's being a duck

in the pool we did it by six yeah job and knock we got in we got out. He's not swimming laps. I came, I saw, I conquered.

Yeah. Yeah. He thinks he's a duck. Yeah. But somehow the wind is making him float. Just go get some bread. That'll sober him. That's how I'm sobering him up.

I'm just throwing bread into the pool. That's not even a pool. That's a pool table. He thinks it's a pool. He's doing the backstroke. He's tearing it up. But he's also put 20p on the side of the table just to be nice. So I'm just there slurring through the most red eyes.

I'll be like, Valerie, honestly, the second you go, the boys are coming back here. We're going to do some shots. We're going to go back out. She's like, do you promise? I'm like, I'll fucking pinky promise you. She's like, good. They leave.

I'm like, people, go to bed. He's already in bed. So she's like, we'll just fall asleep for an hour. Everyone set their alarms on the phones. Fall three. Everyone. There's two of you. Three.

Everyone. Grant's there as well. That's you. Right. So we set our alarms on our phone. So me, Grant, David go to bed. Oh, sorry. Me, Grant, and Peeps go to bed at six.

Set our alarm for seven. Right. At 10 p.m. We wake up. All of our alarms are still going off. They have been going off for three hours but now david we don't know where he came from is now also in the bed clearly he'd also had some of the weed so clearly comes back just these oh god i finally found the boys face down

fall asleep for another hour wake back up and then we go um i'm still immensely high but at this point we're now genuinely concerned because jordan's dad who's never done marijuana before hasn't surfaced yet hasn't surfaced none of us none of us know what he is having a fucking bella we don't know what ali is we know we know he is having a fucking bella your first ever fucking experience it's this reaction which makes me believe kai won't be fit for that much longer. As much as he does love being in shape, I know how much he loves getting utterly shit-faced. And I know how sad he's getting that all of his stories recently have been like,

oh yeah, like day. He's still fit. It's sickening me. That's gross. But his tan's wearing off. Yeah. I've still got the tan lines on my stomach though. Oh, Jesus.

I've got the fucking way I rolled them over you see that when it was actually first done a fucking sunbathing like that where it folded

and I got like sunburned lines just a little drawn pecs that's still there so eventually we wake up at 11

and we just get up for one more beer and just go we've lost everyone nobody's answering the phone just go back to bed and then walk up the next day at 9am

so we counted that we had 16 hours of sleep on a stag do next day we bump into george jordan's dad and we're like how was your night he's like oh great that cuckoo was mint and we're like what and he's like yeah it was really fun it's just really sort of chatting and giggling i'm like so what did you do when we left the pub he was like oh we stayed there for another like three hours went got curry just went home laughed a bit i'm like are what did you do when we left the pub he was like oh we stayed there for another like three hours went and got a curry just went home laughed a bit and I'm like are you

have you done marijuana he's like no never like where did you guys go because that stuff was great I'm like you fucking beast did you borrow a pint

of that 97 year old woman's blood you get a blood transfusion or or maybe it's like in a like Pixar's Brave

like that's it's her in Pixar's Brave, like he was her or she's him. She's just coming to manifest herself as Jordan's dad, right? Who I hadn't met before this. Who's just like, oh, I've got to see how good these kids are with my cookie. I saw the way he looked at me when I said, only half half.

Ha ha, maggot. Oh, that was his cookie. I'm trying to remember if I've seen Brave. Was that the one with the bears? Yeah. Yeah, he wasn't one of the bears. I think, though, it's just, there's something about dads,

dads on the loose, dads and mums on the loose, they're used to, like, looking after babies and shit. So a fucking half cookie, it's like, what? It's not going to touch the sides. Even if you've never done it,

they'll be fine. It's like my dad at the wedding smoking with dip tobacco in his lip. When my SAS mates thought they'd killed him, my dad took a big chunk of like dip tobacco and put it in his lip. They go, have you done it before, Jeff? He goes, nah. And then just sort of walks off and we've all got dip in,

we're spitting and whatever. And then we can't find dad and they thought he was really sick. How about your boys? They thought, yeah, he might have been spewing because it knocks some of those guys around really bad. And they look over and Dad's smoking a cigarette. They're like, Jeff, do you still have the dip in? He's like, yep.

They go, fucking this cunt. He's got dip tobacco in and smoking a cigarette. But he's also not spitting it at all. He's just swallowing it like, this is great. Jeff Cody is a massive, massive loose unit though. But he's like a little quiet. You wouldn't expect it, yeah. Super nice, dude.

Glasses, looks a bit like Ned Flanders. When is he coming to my show? He's meant this weekend, I think. Yeah, that's the thing. So whenever Jeff Cody, next dad, comes to one of my shows, it's always that thing. Very specifically, he said on Facebook, all the shows that he was going to go see

and the conditions that he was coming to see the show. He's like, I'll come see Sloss as long as he promises real drinks afterwards because anything that's not lager that was made in a bathtub is not a real drink to your dad like

like he sees a margarita and he's just oh fucking girls drinks Jesus I want some prohibition shit yeah I want some fucking some lawless shit

yeah I want it made in the fucking there's not a 10% mob tax on it that doesn't I mean gotta make that in a fucking shed in the woods shall we move on to Muggle Corner? shall we?

Cody would you like to are you glad you got that story out? because also like I really I did it so much injustice last week but I just sort of felt like also as a warning to any listeners on the podcast

which is absolutely do do edibles you can have great experiences but for the sort of felt like also as a warning to any listeners on the podcast which is absolutely do do edibles you can have great experiences but for the love of God learn from my continuous mistakes dude remember when we got so high

that I phoned the pizza shop back to thank them for the pizza you know what it is I got the pizza back I was just like hey you delivered

and then he said your actual address there you delivered a pizza to fucking 31 Springfield Avenue and then he was your actual address there. He delivered a pizza at a fucking 31 Springfield Avenue. And then he was like, yep, expect a complaint. I was just like, just want to say it's midway evening. It was delightful.

I love the pizza. And they were just like waiting for the complaint. I was like, oh, thank you. Man, that must have never happened. That's how I once, on the Sydney Comedy Festival Showcase Tour, which is a bit, that's like Comedy Festival Roadshow,

and there's a bunch of us who are out in some town in like country New South Wales or country Queensland. We want food after the gig, and they're like, oh, the KFC might still be open. The person at the theatre says that. So we Google the KFC, and it doesn't have the hours, but it's got the phone number. So we call it.

Who the fuck has ever called the kfc the poor chicken there must be like what is that just a 15 year old going what's that thing attached to the wall it's one of them where you put your finger in at the end of the day it's just dusting it off like yeah like he's got to move boxes of all the gravy sauces and be like holy shit yeah antique's making some noise just like slowly pushing dust off it. Would you like to explain to the listeners, first-time listeners, Cody, what muggles are? Basic bitches.

That's what a muggle is. A basic bitch. No, Muggle Corner, it's just... Muggles are... Yeah, it's just people that... No, just basic. Just a bit low-grade. Nothing wrong with them.

Of course not absolutely not bad people we've all done muggle things every day if you've gone through how many eps are you in now 30 odd

44 44, 45 40 odd eps right if you're somebody that's listened to all these and you go I haven't done any of those

muggle things you're actually the ultimate muggle yeah because you're lying to yourself and us which is even worse so each week we suggest two things each,

because there's three of us, to go and muggle a corner. We'll debate whether they do go and muggle corners. And if you're guilty of these things, you're not a full-time muggle, but you deserve a little bit of punishment and a little time of introspection. Or just a little bit of where you've just got to accept it.

There's been times when stuff's been put in a muggle corner and I've just went, well, you know what? I'm going to be a Muggle just for that instance. Well, my first one today, it's going to put me in the corner. Good. Muggles wear sports team stuff outside of a sporting contest. Oh, I'm in the corner.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm in the corner too. Yeah, I've got a Chelsea shirt that's got slossage on the back. Slossage on the back. I'm currently wearing a Conor McGregor T-shirt. I've got Juventus shorts that I just wear on the back. I'm currently wearing a Conor McGregor t-shirt. I've got Juventus shorts that I just wear around the house. I've done a gig in a Lithuania

shirt. In Lithuania like a fucking Snoop Dogg or something. I'm just trying to appeal to the locals. In Lithuania our guy Paul is. You've got a Lithuania shirt too, right? Yeah, we've both got them

yeah I've got it with me but yeah he bought it for us while we were out in Lithuania and yeah I'll wear it

but also because I don't really do sports oh but Cody I didn't just wear it for the gig I wore a hoodie and then like five minutes in

done the reveal took my hoodie off oh great oh just so unctuous pandering absolutely pandering yeah I've seen people wear like I think Just so unctuous Pandering, absolutely pandering Yeah

I've seen people wear I think, and this might sound a bit In fact It definitely is going to sound ignorant A lot of the sports when you go They should stop that at size What's that? Like if you're clearly not a sports

Oh yeah You guys have been to a bunch of ufc events as well that's my no my favorite thing about the ufc though the fans there people think it's all dudes i reckon it's 50 50 oh yeah half guys half girls maybe some more girls sometimes it's an insane amount if we're on the road he's headlining that mostly yeah yeah and the thing i've seen is that nobody just goes to the gym a bit. Yeah. UFC fans, like, I'm in the middle.

Yeah. He goes a couple times a week. UFC fans are like, what's a gym? Or I live in the gym. Yeah, yeah. There's no middle ground. No. Unless we go there.

There's the coach potato UFC fans, and there's the ones that think they should be in the cage. Yeah. Mind you, you do get that i think you get that with most sports like you've got you've got like all the uh football fans who are just like uh angry that they didn't make the sort of oh yeah they got an injury when they were 21 yeah yeah right that's why you didn't do it and then you've got the other ones that are just like i've never kicked a ball in my life but this is the greatest sport that's ever happened to me and thanks to my thanks to Mark Hunt and Roy Nelson,

they've got a shot. They can get in one day. They've just learned how to throw a massive punch. It is arguably the least discriminatory sport, the UFC. I've always argued it. I don't understand why the feminist movement didn't get more behind Ronda Rousey. In a sport where Dana White years ago said

there will never, ever, ever be women in the UFC, Ronda Rousey came in a in a sport where Dana White years ago said there will never ever ever be women in the UFC Ronda Rousey came in and went shut up can't there's no three deficient I feel like the closed the gap between genders there to like quicker than other sports where's right this is yeah probably not many sports where you go right the best hundred meter woman should go up against the men because she's that good there's not there's not enough like in football where they go why isn't she in the men's team

because she should be in the best division whereas in UFC I feel like we're at a point where we're going oh these should probably just be fighting

against everyone Amanda Nunes and Holly Holm could definitely could kill a lot but the thing is what they could do

they don't need to match up Holly Holm with Cody Garbrandt or whatever. They could just go down and match her up with someone that's evenly matched. But then I heard Ronda Rousey in an interview said that should never happen because she never wants 70,000 people turning up to a stadium to see a man hit a woman.

Yeah, that's always the thing. That's why I'm saying it's happened too early. We needed it to happen to every other sport in UFC last. We needed it to be every other sport where it's mixed genders. And then this is the last one left. And then it moves. But it just so happens that this is the closest women have ever come. I guess tennis does it.

They do mixed doubles. They do mixed doubles, but that's still a man, a man, a woman, a woman. Yeah, but at least they're sort of competing on the same thing at that point. Same with golf, because they do mixed doubles on the way through. Yeah, but it's still a man, a man, a woman, a woman. Yeah, but at least they're sort of competing on the same thing at that point. Same with golf because they do mixed doubles on the way through. Yeah, but it's still a man, a man, a woman, a woman. You'll never have a man versus a woman in a sport. Is there? Am I missing something?

Is there something I'm not picking up on? In tennis in heaven years ago, I forget. I forget who was playing. Chickpeak the dude. But that's what I said. Why don't they do it but just match it up properly? They don't have to put the top woman against the top dude. The top woman might be as good as the sixth dude in tennis or something,

but why wouldn't they just put them in the rankings and she's just the same as every other dude in the division? Or car racing. For sure. There's that woman in, is it NASCAR she's in? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. She's one of the highest. She's in one of those.

Yeah, she's top ranked. Yeah, that's a good point, yeah. But yeah Anyway The sports clothing Sports clothing Outside of a sports game Yeah like if you're Like if you're waiting

This stuff to go to the gym I think that's a stipulation We're all in there Like if you're waiting Sports gear Didn't you used to wear American Wasn't you used to wear

American football gear With the pads When I When I played American football Yeah But not outside of. Not if I cut in a bow.

No, that's a mental person. Yeah, no, I'm massively into horse racing but I always wear the horse wherever I go as well. Just go down to the shops.

Actually, this is my sports. That guy's got a guide dog. This is my racing horse. Come on now. I'm a big fan of the swimming. Just go to the shop in my trunks. You should have that little fucking condom hat on.

What's it called? Swimcap. I went to Swimcap. Yeah, I went out. We had a night out in 2008 where all the boys on tour. And we had a spandex night where everyone had to wear a lake run. I just went as a swimmer. I'm everywhere swimming trunks in a fucking...

It's like when you... I think the reason for that is because, like, is to make you more streamlined, obviously. But see, when I see people just in pools normally with those on, I'm like, are you really trying to shave 0.2 seconds off your fucking time? Like, is that why you're in this public pool? To shave 0.2 seconds off your time, which you're not in a race what you mean the full suits yeah it's like whenever you see I had to they had to get rid of some suit I think it was in the Olympics

2012 that shark fin thing they had to get rid of some full sort of body suit because it was too good like everyone was smashing records yeah yeah no all right sciences this is just got like fucking... I don't know. But that's silly. They shouldn't ban it if that's what they've come up with.

Yeah, if everyone's got it. You wouldn't go and put some other shoes on there too fast. But it's a bit drug-related style thing, you know?

Putting stuff in the gloves in boxing. Yeah. Cement. Horseshoe. So, muggles wear sports team stuff outside of a

sports game. Absolutely. I'm in the corner. Are we all in the corner? We're hanging out in the corner. We wore Conor McGregor tattoos for the Conor McGregor feed. That is true. We've got the Conor McGregor tattoos.

All three of us wore Conor McGregor tattoos. Oh, yeah. She posed that. Yeah, yeah. There's like 30 people in the house, mate. I was so excited when I found that shit online. Yeah. Oh, it was great.

That was a fucking great day. We just disappeared, coming back here in full kitwanger. My one is, I'll do my first one, which is from one of our Twitter listeners, Simonalog. This is apt for last week.

Muggles do April fools. Yeah. I think one of the worst times to ever be on facebook is and twitter is the day after anything political happens because i don't care about anyone's political opinion on facebook unless you have a politics degree and you read more than me if anyone's doing a political opinion and then it says read more that's never been clicked yeah no one's ever clicked it and then the other one is uh the april fool's day when they're just like so guys there's just i i will happily drop someone

in the room i won't mention their name because i know they don't listen to this podcast but there will be comedians know who is there is a comedian somewhere in the world i won't mention where who on the day of facebook april fool was like uh just on my last ever gig last night never going to do comedy again i'm hanging on the boots it's been a pleasure so far and then being all the other comics like oh good you weren't that great that's yeah that's a smart time i think that's a really muggly thing for comedians to do the cry for help oh no no but but then later on he was like april fools yeah yeah that was put whatever he was doing that as an april fool but that's a genuine thing i've seen comics do

where they're like oh I'm gonna quit I'm gonna on other gigs that are in my diary they're just asking all the comedians to get behind them

you should keep doing comedy because the audience want you to keep doing it not because the fucking your mates backstage do like see if see if I see if I announced

my retirement on Facebook right and more comedians were upset than fans were I would definitely fucking retire at that point I'd be like

oh shit who am I doing this for like the brilliant thing on April Fool's Day was Rick and Morty saying that

it was on tonight on Comedy Central and everyone thought it was the obvious April Fool and it wasn't and they just

absolutely subverted the fucking genre oh yeah fully did it and they and they just absolutely subverted the fucking genre. Oh, yeah, fully did it, and they're now trying to bring back the Szechuan sauce. They've got in contact with McDonald's to try and bring it back, so this cult show is going to be able to bring this fucking thing back. Hey, do you know,

me and Natalie started going out with each other on April Fool's Day. Yeah. Oh, and also, no, but... Sucked in, Natalie. Because I told her, it was just like, If we change our mind We can just pretend we're kidding Is that the day

At the airport Where you accidentally Told her you loved her I did Shortly after that I think I'd been away A week after Natalie and me

Weren't going out With each other And we're just We're just Doing the Doing what Doing the whole I done the thing

On the whole action like a child. Just telling the podcast listeners. She's parking the car. She drops us off at the airport like a good booty call does. Yeah, get the fuck

out of my city. You've served your... I'm shipping this overseas. I want this nowhere near me. I like how you think that's an egg on her being like oh yeah she's a bit close

she drives me to the airport like you're the mug she basically made you fuck her and then kicked you out of the fucking country don't have to deal with him anymore

I dropped the L-bomb oh yeah I said I love you at the airport by accident bye I love you by accident

she said it back but she looked like the L-bomb you yelled lesbian at her. She wouldn't kiss you. Lesbian. So, yeah,

she said it back, but Natalie wouldn't do anything to avoid an awkward situation. So I felt like, that's why she said yes when he proposed. That would have been funny. Had she said yes when he proposed. That would have been funny. Had she said yes. So yeah, it was like a week after that we decided on Facebook to fucking...

Make it Facebook official. Make it Facebook official. You fucking muggles. But it wasn't an April Fool. No. No. Might have been. Didn't work out.

I don't think I've ever done an April Fool's in my life. Because it's also that stupid... The only thing that's not worse, but it's the same. M ever done an April Fool's in my life because it's also that stupid the only thing that's not worse but it's the same muggles do April Fool's but muggles also point out that April Fool's ends at midday yeah there's rules on it fuck that's stipulation

that's one thing I've never experienced I've never experienced April Fool's in the last seven years because I've always been out in Australia and that means I've never w April Fools in the last seven years because I've always been out in Australia and that means I've never woken up any time before 12pm. So I've always missed it. Is April Fools global? I think so.

Is that in America and Australia? Yeah, I think so. April 1st? Yeah. Yeah. Of course, it's everywhere. Obviously, the poorer the country, the sadder the April Fools gets. Hi, Siri, the food trucks here sucked in April Fools.

Hey, Rwanda, the water's clean. God, UNICEF have gone dark. Why are they taking part? We've sent them off. Oh, God. It's like whenever they turn up with red noses. I'm like, could you spend the money not getting the red noses, mate? Could you take the money I'm giving you for the money not getting the red noses made could you just like could you take the money

i'm giving you for the things we got all these shirts made by who stop asking questions we're fixing the water yeah we'll give lenny henry a million oh i can't stand any of that shit um have you ever done april fools oh i'm sure i have at some point. 29. You must have. I can't. I hate pranks. That's why always whenever someone pranks me, I take it a thousand times too far. Which if you want to hear more of, you can listen to on Nick Cody's podcast. What is it?

Crusher Corner? Crushing It. Crushing It. Crusher's Corner. Crusher's Corner. That's what you should have called it. Yeah, you may look heggish do a full podcast on pranks. Go listen to that one.

I've only done eight episodes of my podcast. I'm very slack. I realise I work hard when it comes to stand-up. Anything outside of that. Yeah. Anything that doesn't pay you.

I don't know what. Where's my money? No, I don't know. It's more like stand-up. You do heaps of spots for free. It's not even that. I've got the equipment here. We're using my equipment. Yeah, because everyone's shite. Let's upload this stand-up. You do heaps of spots for free. It's not even that. I've got the equipment here. We're using my equipment.

Yeah, because everyone's shite. Let's upload this on yours too. Just get me to do it again. It's like what American shows, just do shitty crossovers with each other. Like, hey, it's our two unknown podcasts. Meet each other. Yay.

So do we agree, Michael? Yeah. April Fool's for sure. For a practical joke, because you do it. I listen to a whole episode on practical jokes so when I was there it was like way back

when I was about 22 years old right I'm on a night out and I pull this girl but we didn't trade numbers right but she texted me the next day she went to university

with one of my friends so she texted going I got your number off Chris do you want to hook up and we like texting each other flirting on for like a week and like sexting as well

I'm on a promise and I turn up to meet her and I like I tell all the boys where I was going and when I fucking rocked up at the pub where I was meeting her

all the boys were there because I was like I told them I was going on this date so they all fucking rocked up that wasn't what happened they all rocked up

because I'd been texting them oh my god like she never texted me once so good and for a week I'm sexting my buddies

Did you send any dick pics? Nah I'm talking Nokia 10 Oh okay Yeah it would have been Fucking You just text her You gotta draw it

With the equal signs And the capital D Yeah because it's Kai's dick It's just 8 And then one equal sign Send that Nokia chode. So you agree April Fool's in the corner?

Anyone that does it, yeah. Perfect. Yeah, but I think I'm walking at the corner myself on the odd occasion. So this is mine. I don't even need it. Muggles who say they've got insomnia On Facebook When they can't sleep Like you're on Facebook

Who's ever fell asleep While you're on Facebook Yeah And fucking you've got Narcolepsy if you do Get the fuck off Facebook If you've got insomnia That's not insomnia

And I'm Yeah there's a bright screen In my eyes I'm having a tough time Yeah and when I turn it off I can't understand Yeah I've stimulated my brain This much to this point

With this much Light going into it Why can't I fall asleep Three seconds after I put it down I don't know It's've stimulated my brain this much to this point with this much light going into it why can't I fall asleep three seconds after I put it down oh I don't know at three o'clock in the morning

if you're shaming a torch on a rooster it's going to say cock-a-doodle-doo it doesn't have insomnia you're just a prick stop shaming torches at roosters

but that is one of those that is one of those ones when people say it's one of those like mental conditions that's very serious but people are just happy to claim

that they've got I also put OCD and dyslexia yes right the amount of people dyslexia is for people who have dyslexia is a very debilitating fucking thing i had a friend callum marshall in high school uh who likes what he said his name was but yeah he could never read it it was actually carl um he had to have a teacher, like an assistant come in and write the notes down for him and then he'd have to go through it. And he passed eventually,

but he had to revise extra hard and stuff and have the assistants all the way through because it was bad. And then you just get people like fucking Elliot Steele who just don't take time to learn how to spell and be like, I'm dyslexic. No, you're not. No, you're not.

You're just stupid shit. How many times have I fucking walked into the doorframe on the way out here? Oops, I've got a little bit cerebral pals and be like, I'm dyslexic. No, you're not. No, you're not. You're just stupid shit. Like, how many times have I fucking walked into the doorframe on the way out? Yeah, oops, I've got a little bit cerebral palsy. Oh, I'm a bit blind. You're like, oh, I've got ice cream on my face. I'm a little bit downsy. Like, you fucking can't do it with all that disabilities. So stop bringing down the disabilities that you think it's okay to have.

OCT is another one. I always thought OCD, because I fucking check the locks and shit heaps before I go. Unless I'm in a rush, then I really can't. Which means it's not. I've never missed a flight. I'm just a bit of a finicky cunt. Oh, God, I've got a bit of a cough today.

I'm just feeling a bit cancer-y. I think I'm just a bit cancer-y occasionally. I've just got a little bit cancer in my lung. Oh, no, it goes away when I'm doing other things. But, yeah, it just pops on whenever I need to talk about me for a bit well you when you swallowed your tongue

the other day you were a little bit epileptic weren't you I was I went and nearly choked did you hear about this he saved my life I did an actual

hymenic manoeuvre on him no and fucking dislodged a bit of sausage roll out his throat what I was eating a sausage roll and I forgot to chew

because I was excited and then all the flakes stayed in my mouth and the full sausage was just like here you go slut he gave us the purple faced wide eyeball look and I was like chew because I was excited and then all the flakes stayed in my mouth and the full sausage was just like here you go slut he gave us the purple face wide eyeball look

and I was like are you not joking he was like get the fuck out but then also afterwards I realised Heimlich is not the right thing to do it's meant to be

patterned back slaps first you do back slaps and then you do the abdominals and then the next thing you do is a breath you have to try and push it into the lung

so I think no kisses man I think he was angling for the kiss he was devastated when I was talking again he's like no no just keep faking it

keep faking it he's still choking putting his fingers down my throat oh it's still down there I can feel it yeah my cousin

my uncle's got what's the one where you fall asleep randomly narcolepsy he's got that yeah that's rough it is rough

like it is and again it's one of the ones that you make fun of but his ones it's not like the one where it's randomly but just he'll just be hit by waves of by being tired means he can't drive anymore like this i've been friends i've just been like i can't drive anymore keeps getting thrown out the strippers no drooling on the strippers come on oh you're sleeping well that's i guess that's fine nobody can i passed out at the strippers once did you yeah i was drinking with my mate fridge he met yeah wedding my mate fridge is like six five hundred and twenty five kilos he's the only bloke that i can't out drink you know or at least keep up no no but at some point we're all going to

bed but fridge is, we still drinking? And I'm like, oh, boy. Twice. Once I went to the strippers, and then all of a sudden, it's like, Nick, you want a lap dance? Yeah, why not? This is a few years ago, and then I'm getting this, just taps on the cheek, and I wake up,

and there's a stripper there in Fridge. They're like, you just sat down and passed out. You've got to go. I got to walk up with boobs once at the strippers this is noteworthy story i gotta walk up this other strip like we may as well like laughing carried on with the stripper because i was asleep and then she woke us up with her boobs in my face and i woke up and just instantly felt the need to vomit this is the reaction boobs have on us and i ran and i started spewing in the toilet and the toilet attendant started like kicking us because I was thrown up in his toilet and it was his job to keep it clean.

Yeah. So he started fucking booting us. I'll give you a tip. Fucking ease up, mate. I tipped him, right? Yeah. But I went to my wallet and all I had was a

a top man voucher that I got for my birthday party. Jesus. Someone brought a top man, top man. I think it was Bros put a top man voucher on my card and I fucking gave him

a top man voucher. Man, if I could have a pound For every time I've been to the strip I would spend it all on strip I'll give you the So your one was people who Anyone who also It also just brings in the going to Facebook with your problems Things

This might sound again ignorant as most things I say If you go to Facebook with your problems It's not a real fucking ignorant as most things i say if you go to facebook with your problems it's not a real fucking problem like if it's a real problem i feel like you'd go to an actual friend that you have a phone yeah like and you'd be like oh what if i don't have any friends well then what do you think facebook's gonna do especially relationship problems if people have relationship problems on facebook nah nah. You're the one in the wrong. Problems with you. Don't go to Facebook,

go to a mirror. Yeah. What's your next one, Cody? Muggles listen to measurement recommendations on food and alcohol. You know what I mean? Like, oh, well, actually, it's only seven chips make up a serving,

so I'll just have seven chips. Ugh. Hey, a beer, a stubby is actually 1.4 drinks so keep an eye on that oh god yeah you keep an eye on this bottle like yeah it's that thing have a glass hat if you're not gonna drink don't drink that's fine like i've got respect for you for being able to stay out in a situation where you're not drinking but like to measure it the same with foods like if you're gonna binge out in a situation where you're not drinking but like to measure it

the same with foods like if you're gonna binge eat binge eat like if you're gonna if you're gonna do calorie counting do calorie count with your fucking salads and whatnot do that sense that you're clearly doing this to lose weight therefore just don't have any chips or when you are having chips like you do just go fucking balls out heaps of chips yeah yeah that's that's my biggest thing is that if i'm gonna have a fucking milkshake and some chips like I did today I'm not gonna be like oh my god

I'm breaking my diet what have I done fucking I've been waiting for this for days yeah getting my fuck hole why is that your fuck hole because I'm so big

I've never I would love to genuinely like I wanna count how's anything in my fuck hole I shouldn't have a fuck hole I've never I would love to genuinely like I want to count count anything my fuck all I shouldn't have a fuck all you should have one unless you know

you're that way inclined Natalie she's got at least three that I know of it's the I would

love to actually count my units of alcohol just because i remember last year before i did drunk history i had to go to the doctors and have a full like medical because they can't have you down on the show and they're like how did it go you medical it was so i can't tell the full i can't so i it was mid festival right yeah they were like you need in marlena it was like you need to not drink for the show before the medical i'm like it's the edinburgh festival i'm gonna smoke weed i'm gonna do drugs i'm gonna drink there's nothing you can do to stop me like it's their fault for leaving it so late you don't get to book me for something and then change my fucking lifestyle because you

didn't do it sooner so but i'm like maybe i won't drink the night before i won't smoke for like three days before and then i met andrew maxwell who's done it and he was like they're not for anything. They're just gonna make sure that you don't have like a heart murmur or liver failure So I stayed up until 11 a.m. Right the medicals at 12 I'm just 11. I'm like, I'll just go get half an hour sleep lie in bed wide awake Get back up go in there and she goes does the thing where she puts the thing on my back to much was breathe in I take a big breath. She's like, oh, wow, your lungs. And I'm like, yeah, right.

She's like, they're really good. Do you smoke? And I'm like, on occasion, she's like, you really can't tell. These are great. Then she does my heart. And it's just da, da, da, da, da, da. And she's like, your heart. And I'm like, yeah, no, sorry.

She's like, really strong, really great. That's really good. Like, do you go to the gym a lot? I'm like, oh, yeah, most days. She's like, oh, yeah, I can tell. Does it blood test? She's like, when was, really great. That's really good. Like, you go to the gym a lot? I'm like, oh, yeah, most days. She's like, oh, yeah, I can tell. Does it blood test? She's like, when was the last time you drank? And I was like, oh, a glass of wine last night or something.

She's like, you're one of the healthiest specimens we've ever seen. And I'm like, that is the worst thing you could have told me. Because now all I'm walking out here is going, fucking immortal. Cannot die. Cannot die. Vodka. Do you have any vodka in here? This is a, this is a, sorry, sorry. Fucking immortal. Cannot die. Cannot die. Vodka. Do you have any vodka in here?

This is a, this is a, sorry, sorry. Do you have any medicinal alcohol? Yeah, it was absolutely grand. But I would, when there, it's that thing of like,

how many units do you have a week? And it's always one to two, three to five, or seven to ten. You're like, none of those. Who's having one to two a week? Yeah. Units. Oh. One to two units of alcohol who's having 1 to 2 a week yeah units

1 to 2 units of alcohol like a glass of wine a week you take total right yeah that's not getting drunk just quit

yeah 1 or 2 a week right that means you're never getting drunk so what's the point of having alcohol juice

if you're just having I don't know I'll absolutely put that in was it with food as well? Because surely that doesn't come with recipes, right? No, no, no, no. Just like a bag of chips.

They're 6.25 servings, which is approximately 11 chips. So somebody has 11 and goes, that's one serving. Okay. Gross. Muggles have stickers on their cars. Yeah, we walked past that and you just pointed and went, fucking muggles, but it was double muggle because of Doctor Who stickers. Yeah, you know how they have those.

Oh, fuck. You're going to see my wife's car out the front. Holy shit. She's saving the world with those bumper stickers. She's making a change. Just driving around save the planet CO2 missions

just waiting the whole make I'm better than you I'm on a bike the one we saw you know you get those family stickers where it's like here's me the dad

here's me the my mum my wife the stick figure the mum and then here's our three kids but we've also got a dog and a fish we got the little dog

and the fish stickers that guy him a TARDIS a Dalek it's like my family's Doctor Who and I'm like oh my god

yeah that's Doctor Who yeah and he hasn't even put all the stickers up he hasn't put his mum on there because he still lives at home this is a generalisation

but Doctor Who seems to be watched by people whose life hasn't went to plan yeah like they always look like they're past their best their best never actually came now they watch Doctor Who seems to be watched by people whose life hasn't went to plan. Yeah. They always look like they're past their best, their best never actually came, and now they watch Doctor Who.

That puts me off Doctor Who. I've never seen a minute of Doctor Who. Nah, I've just seen people that watch it. Purely due to the people who watch Doctor Who. Oh, I have, and I was like, because I was like, you know what, I'm a nerd. I like nerdy things. I'm into Game of Thrones.

I'm into all the sci-fi sort of stuff as well. That's Dragon and War, man. Yeah. That's different. But I'm into sci-fi stuff. I'm like, maybe know what, I'm a nerd. I like nerdy things. I'm into Game of Thrones. I'm into all the sci-fi sort of stuff as well. That's Dragon and War, man. That's different. But I'm into sci-fi stuff. I'm like, maybe I'll fucking like this. It's so low budget as well. The graphics in it are offensively bad. And it's because all the way through as well,

they've got different directors and writers for each episode, so they're all standalone. And some of them are just dog shit. I'm like, I can't watch something that's so inconsistent people like people go and be like oh this week's episode of Doctor Who

wasn't that great you know last week's was fine but oh I hope so next week's I'm like if I don't enjoy a bunch of episodes and stuff

I'm not fucking watching anymore yeah I've seen that from a lot of Doctor Who fans like complaining about the latest episode of Doctor Who

or whatever and I'm just like oh and you're the fans yeah and you think it suck but you still love it you love that it and you're the fans yeah and you think it's suck but you still love it you love that it sucks because your life sucks

yeah and you love that yeah so not only do muggles have stickers on the car muggles also like Doctor Who yeah what's your last one

my last one is and I don't know how this happens but I say it a lot but will muggles stop putting spaces before punctuation on text speak

how do you go space explanation mark how do you go space full stop how do you go space comma how do you muggles

keep doing this how do you not keep checking it it's amazing I can't fathom how much I know you're listening to this

every time you put a space before a comma I say listen up I went to a private school. That is not what you're meant to do. How is it happening?

How do you look at it and go, send? You know, if you look and see a spelling mistake, you correct that spelling mistake immediately with an asterisk.

That's how I'd feel if I sent some, like, space, comma, space. I'd be like, oops,

didn't mean the space. Like, how did that happen? I sent some, like, spice. Comma, spice. I'd be like, oops, didn't mean the space. Like, how did that happen? Yeah. But some people do it prolifically. It's willful ignorance. Or it's just genuine stupidity. Like, you know when you double-tap space and it puts the full stop on for you?

Are they doing something like that where it's just automatically putting a gap and they're just checking it? Because it happens to too many people. What goes on on the phone or that device for that to happen

stop that I've got this piece of shit so I've got an Australian phone which essentially give me when I'm over here

just so they can phone me so it doesn't cost me anything on this this is I must be the rudest texter

to my agents over here right because they'll send being like hey just to let you

know tonight's show is sold out and I'll just go good because this touch screen is the worst thing in the entire fucking world

but even then yeah cool improv text message I just I just one from memory and then I just go I was just looking at any of the ones

from the last seven days they all said the same thing but in this one I've had to go back so many times because it has done that space full stop space thing but I this one i've had to go back so many times because it has done that space full stop space thing but i i'll sit there for the extra two minutes going i would rather it took longer to write and i come across as rude with a short text than come across as a fucking moron

who accepts that as a thing yeah oh i changed uh i changed the word duck to fuck in the actual manual autocorrect on my phone so that when I write fuck, it comes up as fuck. Yeah. I'm sick of writing duck. That's why I was so confused the other day when you invited me for a game of Duck, Duck, Goose. And then I got around there, and oh, you actually were.

He was like, I'm making pate. I had a wild goose I think that's perfect so I think all six of those go into the corner so Cody no no no I don't do space

no oh sorry I thought you meant we all go into the corner for all six things all six of the things are presented yes for sure so your two were I don't. All six of the things we presented go in the corner. Yes, for sure.

So your two were... I don't claim it's something. Muggles wear sports team stuff out of the game. Yeah, go in the corner, you fucking muggle. Yeah, and Muggles listen to measurement recommendations on food and alcohol. Yeah, go stand in the corner for a recommended 30 seconds, you fucking muggle. My ones are Muggles don't do April Fool's. April Fool's, yes, they do. Go in the corner, you fucking muggle. My ones are Muggles Don't do April Fools April Fools

Yes they do Go in the corner You fucking muggle And muggles Have stickers on the car Get your own Car made Get your own sticker made

That says Fucking muggle And then drive that car Into the corner Go park as far Into the corner Of the garage As you can

Muggles say they have Insomnia When they can't sleep If you listen to this At three o'clock In the morning You probably might want To take these Over your ears So you can try Muggles say they have insomnia when they can't sleep. If you listen to this at 3 o'clock in the morning, you probably might want to take these out of your ears so you can try and sleep. Why do you need stimulation when you're trying to sleep? You don't have insomnia.

You're just fucking busy. Muggles put a space before punctuation in text speak. Perfect. Which brings us next on to our last game, our favourite game, Your Dad Jokes, where each week we just destroy each other's dads and then come on a podcast and write jokes about them as well i've only got seven so far okay i'll go

first cody your dad goes around scottish weddings with those car bomb checking mirrors and a flashlight for the car if you don't know surely people know what a car bomb checking mirror is. It's the mirror on a long stick that you use to look under a vehicle. It's what we used to use for selfies before cameras. You just had to draw. Check yourself out from a distance as a group. Cody, your dad manually tapes, sent from my iPhone at the bottom of emails he sends from his Blackberry.

That is great. Kai, your dad has a long pinky nail, which he uses to put sugar in his coffee. Kai, your dad had a dream that he was eating loads of pillows and when he woke up all of his marshmallows were gone

Sloss your dad DMs inappropriate messages to female comedians Sloss your dad farts in his hand and cupcakes himself gets high on his own supply.

Kai, your dad has stilts on his pogo stick. Well, your dad got tired of losing his glasses, so he just got them tattooed on. Kai, your dad still hasn't ticked finger someone off his bucket list. Cody, your dad's teeth are 3D printed. Cody, your dad draws pictures on your back with his finger to help you get to sleep. Just drawing cocks on my back. Do you think it's a...

Do you think it's a... Do you think it's a trigger? Sloss, your dad won a whistling competition. Cody, your dad Billy Sleepwalks. Billy Walks in his sleep. Legend. sleep walks Billy walks in his sleep legend

your dad signs his name in bubble writing with a gel pen Sloss your dad has pigs on his bike it's not pigs but stand up yes

fucking love them Kai your dad watched American Pie saw the bit where the kid fucks the pie because it allegedly feels like a pussy and decided to give it a go.

But since your mom's a bad cook, he just thumbed a softie into an overly jammy bagel and he's not left the kitchen for weeks. Thumbed a softie into a bagel. Very rare you hear that sentence. Last time you asked your dad to borrow money you maintained eye contact with the oil slowly sucking his finger Kai your dad has a tattoo of barbed wire around his dick

tells your ma that's why it stings when she pees Cody Cody all your childhood photo albums are labelled jailbait and your dad's the only one in the house with a label maker and an erection Cody your dad gets picked last for roners Sloss your dad says he will always be

afraid of the dark ease he will always be afraid of the dark. Ease. Kai, your dad's party trick is called the reverse Elmo, and it's where he shoves his hand down his throat and makes himself fart. Your dad sued the circus for assuming gender when they rejected his application to be the bearded lady. Cody, your dad's other party... Oh, sorry, Kai, your dad's other party... Oh, sorry, Kyle.

Your dad's other party trick is also called the reverse Elmo and it's where he ties a puppeteer to a chair and lets the kid molest him. Your dad has bath time with his little sister. Bath time.

Cody, your dad gets a lisp when he's horny and last week he was so excited to go to Thera and Steve's sweet 16 party Cody your dad buys blank birthday cards but steals the sentiments from birthday cards that are pre-written

writes them himself to look thoughtful so that brings us to the end first things first thank you Nick for being on the podcast yet again thanks legends you're someone

that strongly reckons we could do a live podcast before the end of this festival yeah for sure you don't have to line that up easily

there's some good venues for it you could do the Imperial Hotel Exford would be good yeah Exford upstairs well maybe in the next week

we'll organise that we'll get something organised for like the second or third last day of the festival. Well, this is episode 44 and I think episode 50 is going to be here if we keep going out on Mondays and Tuesdays. Yeah, yeah. In the last week, the bank holiday weekend maybe. Right, let's do it then.

We'll organise it. But before you come see that, you can come see all of us in Melbourne. Nick Corder, you are on. On fire. Nick Corder, on fire at Melbourne Town Hall every night except Mondays until April 23rd, 9.45pm, 8.45pm Sundays. I am on at the taxi at Riverside down in Federation Square every day at 7pm except for Mondays. I'm on Sundays as well but I am at 6pm then. You can see me, Kai Humphries, in full colour at 7pm in the sub-club.

Or you can see me in black and white if you bring your shades. That's not what shades do it is it's in the dark you're still going to be in colour what are you going to do in black and white dragon no watching a gig

no shades on no who's done it no no one Ray Charles huh

Ray Charles alright I'll wear a white t-shirt and black jeans and it'll feel like it but then I don't like where your tan's at

at the minute his tan's it's at jaundice at this point which to be fair could be jaundice do I look like I've been spread

with iodine blame the tan blame the kidneys and liver got the iodine spray tan going on apart from that

keep listening to the fucking podcast. Go listen to Cody's one and Nick Cody crushing it. I've only got eight episodes, so there's no excuse. You can't hear them all. Me and Cody, we both sell our shows online as well. Oh, yeah. Where will they find yours?

NickCody.com.au. There it is. Me and my friends, k-huffies.com. Awesome. And we will talk to you guys on Monday, you fucking cunts. Laters.