Sloss and Humphries On The Road - Ep 4.40 ”THE” Boyz

Episode Date: October 6, 2021

Muggins and Cream escape Spain to seek refuge in Belgium, they chat for a while about comedy and discuss catchphrases leading them to discover the power of the word 'the'. With some reminiscing about bullying and interesting facts that may or may not be true it's a pretty solid podcast to start your week with a laugh

Good Monday losers Thanks very much for listening to the podcast In this week's episode I complain about Spain Didn't want to I tried to keep it neutral But then a scab was picked And we kind of just spoke about

That for a bit I mean I honestly can't fucking remember We got Oh man we didn't talk about the fucking power cut last night. We should have done that. Well, that'll be on the Patreon episode next week. We've got a YouTube channel out now. If you want to see our stupid faces while we have these discussions,

you can go to, what's it called? Slots and Humphries on the Road. Slots and Humphries on the Road. That makes sense. I probably could have guessed that. You probably could have guessed that. You can share this. You can tell your friends to listen

to this shit we'd appreciate if you did this week was a decent enough episode so like I get sometimes you don't want to recommend it to your friends because you're like that was a gash episode and they were just stoned idiots and I don't want to let people know I listened to that shite this is one way like alright this is a decent

starting point what else was? we've got social media now as well keep up with us on Instagram oh yeah keeping up with the tour on Insta

Sloss and Humphries on the road and we're also on tour in America so you can go to danielsloss.com and buy tickets for us there

enjoy the podcast Sloss and Humphries on the road muggins and cream cream and muggins straight thuggin living the dream that's our intro fucking muggles, straight thuggin', livin' the dream. That's our intro.

Fuckin' muggles. Tickling the clit inside your head that makes you laugh. Woohoo! Ha ha ha! They said it can't be done. Are we in the same seats? That's hack. Aw, muggles.

Accidental rim job in the park. Kiss, kiss, kiss. Or am I just being cynical? Just muggled it up on fuckin' Mugglepedia. Where have you been since 9-11? I was on fuckin fucking fire last night. I wish. I was on fucking belt of form last night.

You were lucky. You got to that stage of stoned where you forgot you were in a foreign country and then didn't change your accent at all in every conversation. I was tiny. Do you know what he has at that point? He starts listening in Flemish. change your accent at all in every conversation. I was tiny. Oh yes, it's that big. I start listening in Flemish.

I think Flemish is just fluent Geordie anyway. It's a very weird language. Like every time I walk around here in Belgium and you see signs written down, you're like, that does just feel like a prank. If you're playing on foreigners to be like, let's make them think that this is what we talk like just so they can sort of see us sounding out the 19 syllable

double barreled like for some reason there's like i've seen two letters in a row before look meet great i've never seen seven in a row like outside of and ah, but like they're just in words here. Aye, like they're just doing like a massive lol on the internet with loads of ohs and ahs. Aye. Like no one's really saying laugh out, out, out, out, out loud.

Yeah, it's... But they're just accentuating. Accentuating, is that a word? Yeah. Sounds good. Accentuating is a word. I don't know if you used it in the correct context, but...

I felt good, that. Just threw a word out of my mouth I've never heard before. I don't think I've heard that word. I don't trust if you used it in the correct context. I felt good, that. Just threw a word out of my mouth I've never heard before. I don't think I've heard that word. I don't trust my brain. Accentuated. Accentuated, aye. Aye. Is that a word? And I used it correctly? No.

Well, let's not get into this. So, I was fucking well baked last night. You were holding your composure quite well. Yeah, because I'm a stoner And you are not Aye I've kind of retired Being a stoner

Aye But I still dabble You do Like you're a daily smoker And I just like Get on it now and again Aye And when I do

I think you know When I'm You know when the Big general goes To get Rambo Back out Retreating the mountains I've never seen anything like this in Rambo 3

and he's just like he's retired and he's just getting on with his life doing some hunting and gathering or whatever he's doing doing some handicrafts in his little cave and they're like oh we need you on the battlefield I'm like roll it up general roll it up that's me in the stone world are the Rambo movies any good?

I like them you know what weirdly they haven't really that's me in the stoner world are the Rambo movies any good I like them I didn't you know what weirdly they haven't really they're not talked about that much anymore so maybe

they're not they're never mentioned as like in the same way Rocky still gets banned about quite a bit well because I always remember having a

debate with my dad where when I was younger I would say that Sylvester Stallone is a I was like Sylvester Stallone is a I was like Sylvester Stallone's a shit actor like that that fucking like Rocky's you know he's not good in that my dad was like no no you're like everyone that thinks Sylvester Stallone isn't a good actor

is an idiot because he's playing that type of person in Rocky that's not what Sylvester Stallone actually talks like all the time that's the character yeah it just means you fell for it he's constantly playing the same role because that man is an entrepreneur he's a businessman if he's playing the same fucking role

if I've not seen Rambo but if it's the same fucking accent as Rocky then he is thick as pig shit I'm not saying

he's a good actor I'm just saying that that role he plays must be a role he can't he can't be that guy when he's like in meetings

trying to get his scripts commissioned and all that. Well, isn't the story... He held onto that script and denied millions and I don't know if he lived on the streets or if that was just hyperbole of the story until it got accepted with him as the lead. Aye.

And he also, I think he did sell a dog to get... I think it was like he had to sell a dog his favorite dog to get food and then he sold the script and then went back a really heartless story oh why just in selling the dog well no he needed to eat and he couldn't afford to keep feed the dog either so like it was like right i'm not gonna let two creatures fucking starve here i'm gonna give you to an owner while i'm living on the streets and then he sold the script and then went back and bought his dog back

you bought his dog back that's the story I've heard do you know his dog was called in Rocky no but kiss I'm going to be honest and I'm going to say something

that's going to piss Martin Nelson off here I don't think the Rocky movies were that good I just don't get it you didn't even like Rocky 4 for what it was nah

nah nah I don't think I've seen Rocky 4 but I remember watching Rocky 1 going, oh man, it's the great Gatsby. You've never seen the one with Dolph Lundgren in? The first two didn't capture me. Like it's just, it feels like the great Gatsby rules we've discussed. The reason these movies are considered good is because there was no other

movies at the time. Because one and two were like really gritty, like kind of underdog stories and two were like really gritty like kind of underdog stories and they were like iconic right but um for me rocky four was like a hollywood blockbuster all right and that like there were two com like kind of different films like what they had different goals i just did rocky three i'm not sure about rocky three like rocky one i didn't get what the point was, like, he, right, he, he didn't lose, or he did lose, but he put up a fight, class,

Landis dog story, I get it, um, Adrian, didn't get it, that's not, like, even if you're thick,

that's not an attractive woman, I didn't find her that supportive either, actually, nah, didn't get any of that, um, and then also, like,

I reckon, I reckon Rocky should have watched Jigsaw by like episode two I reckon him and Adrian would have parted ways

what's Sylvester Stallone done recently the only thing I think oh well he was fucking he was in the Marvel

he was also he's the shark in Suicide Squad I still haven't seen that yet it's very good very recommended it's very good

and then 30 years time my son's gonna watch the fucking podcast the Suicide Squad and he goes I don't think it was that good I don't think Sylvester Sloan

was that good not like you little fucking ignorant cunt it's a classic do you think you'll hang on to the movies that you loved when you were growing up the same way

like you know when you talk about Mark Nelson just hangs on to the movie and he'll not let it go even though time's moved on and there's better stuff

aye like he still has that on a pedestal because it's got the nostalgia attached to it do you think like when your kids are like shaming Lord of the Rings you'll be there going

but you just don't understand how far that took yeah absolutely well because now I can because I remember when I was young like not

enjoying the Star Wars movies right my dad couldn't he was like why do you not enjoy these and I'm like because the graphics are shit the acting is shit and also I've seen better versions of Star Wars movies, right? My dad couldn't, he was like, why do you not enjoy these? And I'm like, because the graphics are shit,

the acting is shit, and also I've seen better versions of Star Wars, and his argument was obviously always greatly, yeah, but like the reason, all the sci-fi you've seen has come from Star Wars, and I'm like, buddy, I'm nine, I don't give a fuck. The stuff I'm consuming now,

like it was inspired by Star Wars, but it's objectively better now, and that's why I'm there. Now as an older person, when I go back and watch Star Wars, and I inspired by Star Wars, but it's objectively better now. And that's why I'm there. Now as an older person, when I go back and watch Star Wars and I understand how that works, like, I go, oh, yeah, like, of course, I can see why people enjoy this.

I can suspend the graphics or dog shit. Like, it's a bit fucking hack in places because it wasn't considered hack at the time because it was the thing that made all the things. I can do that now as an adult, but I couldn't do it as a kid. So if my kid at the age of fucking 12 is like, I think Lord of the Rings is stupid.

I'm like, all right, give it six years. Give it six years. You'll appreciate it. Even if you don't like it, you'll appreciate it later on. Yeah. Once you discover fucking marijuana, trust me, you're going to love it.

Do you think it's like going, like say you've got your Netflix specials and your HBO special and you're going, yeah, but look, that wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for this and wheeled out your 2012 DVD. This classic, this is sure as a giant. No, but it's like when people say

any sort of half comedy fan that doesn't enjoy George Carlin or Bill Hicks or Richard Pryor or any of these old greats, they go, oh, you know. Billy Connolly. Yeah, yeah, They go, I don't like those. And you go, right, well, even if you don't like those comedians,

I guarantee every comedian you like was inspired by those comedians. So whether you like it or not, all the greats have influenced all of your favourites. That's how it works. And that works in movies. That works in music. That all forms. With Billy Connolly, he made it so that we could tell stories on stage.

I swear. Everyone was just doing mother-in-law jokes. It was that Bernard Manning type stuff, wasn't it? And then he just come along and just started telling stories with the punchlines woven into the stories. And then it just meant when we started our career, that format was palatable already because he breached it. Richard Brow was the first ever comedian

to really personify anything other than himself in his bits. He really acted out stuff, didn't he? Full disclosure here, I haven't seen much Richard Pryor, bar the odd clip. Oh, man, it's good. Live on the Sunset Strip. Again, do it the same way that we've just said, that when you're watching the classics, you've got to go back and... man it's good like live on the sunset strip again do it the same way that we've just said that if

when you're watching the classics you've got to go back and like comedy but but not but but not in the same way that we watched jamie foxx that was objectively bad oh jamie foxx's stand-up special jesus fuck that wasn't the like appreciate at the time what was uh what was happening he wasn't pushing any boundaries at the time then he was just outright garbage well i mean he ripped in the room he smashed the room but it was you know it's fucking it's black crowds in america and if i've learned anything from the event like there's there's two very different like circuits out there there's like the black circuit and then there's like the well i mean there's several circuits i don't know what i'm talking about but the black circuit is the one that like only like

bill burr has really sort of gone into like it's just a different you know fucking type of game that's where like deaf comedy jam comes from i'm pretty sure jamie foxx came through there and was like probably good at the time but it really feels like you know when like a comedian becomes famous and then becomes shit because they don't have the ability to play to a neutral audience anymore. So they're playing to an audience that already loves them, so they're compromising

because they know they're going to get a good response. They're not compromising, they just can't find an honest fucking audience. Also, in that Jamie Foxx audience, it was like he was going for whooping and cheering rather than laughter. So he was trying to make them hoot and holler and he was doing stuff like catchphrases like oh the catchphrase taking a hit of an

imaginary spliff and then like going you gotta blow that shit out and then going mad for it like they're not laughing because i mean there's no punchline he's like he said the same thing he said five minutes ago this is like mrs brown's boy's life this is class it was so funny watching the um development of that as well because the first one he done and you know he finished because he was doing it at the end of routines he was putting it as like a it was it was it was gaslighting an audience into like it was no it was pavlovian dog response which is like i'm gonna say this after a time that you've laughed and then you're gonna associate it with laughter and then every time you laugh i'm just gonna say this dumb ass time that you've laughed and then you're going to associate it with laughter. And then every time you laugh, I'm just going to say this dumb ass thing that

doesn't make any fucking sense. And then the next time I say it, even if I've not said anything funny, you're going to be like, he only says that when a joke's over. So it's just NLP. Because the first time he done it, they got to blow their shit out. The audience, even the audience that loved him, didn't know what was going on. They were like, he's just took a hit of a spliff and then the second time we come round they're like oh he did that thing again and then the third time they're joining in they're like you gotta blow their cheater out you're like how i thank thank god he went into acting how did you write that how did you like what was your you know you're just you wouldn't be in his laptop at the time

what do you what yeah was it Would he have had a computer? Nah. I mean, that looked like it was... 90s? Aye. Might have had a computer. Might have been a big desktop number. No, no, no, no.

Because I don't think comedians started writing on fucking... Just down word one with a paperclip? Aye. Nobody was going to a fucking office to write their jokes. That was still notepad-y. So you don't think he was writing, I'm going to blow that shit out. And then the paper clip would pop up and go uh i suggest putting a joke here yeah no no and he was just like shut up cancel copy paste copy paste copy paste copy

paste and that is a 55 minute set and i have fucking ripped it let me get in touch with his agent i've got i've got them 30 pages he asked for all. We don't have any catchphrase. Are we in the same seats as kind of big catchphrase in the industry for us? Your agent tried to turn you into a catchphrase comic and you dropped one of your bits out of spite. Yes, I did, yeah. Because you had a bit about voice controls on the TV at the time. It was on your Xbox and you're trying to get it to put on the Netflix app,

and you were shouting into your remote or whatever. Well, I mean, it's very... Netflix! Auntie Donna have now actually done a better version of the bit I was doing, but I did it first, fuck you, Auntie Donna. But it was, yeah, the Xbox Kinect, which is just me trying to get with a Scottish accent,

and it doesn't work, which is just going Xbox, Netflix Netflix, Netflix and it's just not fucking working the joke is just me losing my mind and yelling Netflix over and over again and then Marlena just kept quoting it to me and I'm like alright well that's that joke done

I'm going to have to quit that I didn't know if she was suggesting getting merch printed but you can't get merch printed with just Netflix written on it that's not how that works I'm pretty sure they'd have something to say about it I didn't actually suggest getting like merch printed, but you can get merch printed with just Netflix written on it. That's not how that works. I'm pretty sure they'd have something to say about it. You weren't even on Netflix at the time. I know.

The other one that you have that you didn't mean to be a catchphrase was when you taught your goddaughter to stick her middle finger up at horses because she didn't know what the middle finger meant, flipping the bird. And then like every time you see horses, you stick a middle finger up at horses because she didn't know what the middle finger meant flipping the bird and then like every time you see horses you stick your middle finger up and now whenever I do this people go horses

and I'm like alright okay I guess I've fucking backed myself into that corner yeah um alright

no I can't but there's nothing like there's nothing you've deliberately put in there's nothing where you've like put it into a set a number of times

so that like people know it as your trademark. Well, I mean, ice cream for the Jews is getting pretty close. Aye. Yeah. Like, ice cream for the Jews, it's, like, part of the... That's a really risky catchphrase to have, though. Yeah, and I'm never putting on shirts. The weird thing is, like, just as a sentence,

like, even without any of the context, ice cream for the Jews, it's just such a, like... It's not even bait it's like it's more confusing it's like what is that it seems like it could be derogatory but what does it even mean well i don't agree in what way it's not even like on any of the stereotypes no no but i think it's derogatory because anytime there's the in front of a type of people yes it's the gays, the blacks, the women, the Jews. The women. Like it's never.

Oh, the women. Right. Whenever you describe a group of people just as that's the whole thing, that's what it gets to that. All right, you're just making

a big ass fucking generalisation here. Like, yeah. And if you put like a sweat. I'll tell you something. Here's an example, right? You know when Colin is about to make a very bad point

where he goes, I'll tell you something about the English. You go, all right, there it is. It's almost as if there's like a little placeholder for a swear word after the. It's like you're just leaving that out, aren't you? It sounds less offensive.

That is only like one step above those fucking. It is? Yeah. Like the gays or those fucking gays. Like it's okay, we've reduced it, but the malice is still there. You, the gays are those fucking gays. Like, it's okay. We've reduced it. But the malice is still there. You've covered that up enough. Because it's just the.

It's like you're throwing a blanket over people. Yeah. That's what you're doing. There's a blanket over them. Right now we're going to talk about them. Is it going to be good? Is it going to be bad? Probably bad.

Are the Scots complaining again? Are the left having a wife? Are the right being racist? It's across the board. It's, you know. So if it's ice cream for the borders, you know. So, if it's ice cream for the Jews, then it's in there.

Not looking forward to doing that joke in Germany. But you have to. I do have to do it. Because in the same way that you had to do the Japan expression, Haboo. That's a catchphrase,

Haboo. You have to do that in, I did that in Japan. And that's, so if I'm going to do the Nazi jokes, I feel like I have to do that in... I did that in Japan, and that's the road stuff. I'm going to do the Nazi jokes. I feel like I have to do them in Germany. But I feel like the reason I don't want to isn't because I think they'll be more offended by it,

but I have done Nazi jokes in Germany before. And because they are so thoroughly taught their own history, like, it's not... Like, when you do... When it's short comedy, when you do Holocaust jokes in the rest of the world, people do, oh, because they're not that close to it. Like, it's a thing in history that happened on the other side of the world

or to people that, like, they don't relate to. Like, they know people involved in it, but it's, like, second generations after and stuff. Whereas, like, in Germany, they're like, oh, man, like, we did that. Yeah, yeah, that's it. If you go in Germany and start doing jokes about the Holocaust, like you said man, like we did that. Yeah, yeah, that's it. If you go in Germany and start doing jokes about the Holocaust,

like you said, they taught their own history. But if you go in England and start doing jokes about like the treatment of the Irish, was it Bangladesh? I mean,

a third of the world. And, aye, so like the audience will be just the, just the well-read ones will know what you're talking about. Aye, and they'll just go, oh, okay.

The people that have just got a basic school curriculum education will not have a clue and they'll feel attacked because they don't know what they did. Aye. Whereas the Germans aren't offended by it. They're not upset. They're not angry at the jokes, but they're more upset. It's like bringing up a horrible thing that they did. would be like me bringing up or you bringing up the way like we used to

like you know treat other people when we were in high school you're like oh god man i was a real piece of shit back then it's like a national version of that they're like oh man like we promise we've improved since then like we don't like that being the thing that we're known for and i know we we you know you know we shouldn't complain because we did do it but those opinions and actions weren't on facebook because it wasn't invented then but all right how do you feel about being held accountable for the way you were in school do you think like a grown-up school bully should feel bad about what he did yeah yeah i think that's the entire thing of being like you have to be accountable for all of your actions in your life right and and that includes the good ones and the

very very shameful ones and the embarrassed ones you have to stand by them and go look that was me and i did do that i don't stand by why i did it i understand why i did it and the reasons i did it were wrong and they came from these places of like insecurity or fear or jealousy. I don't stand by what I did but I admit those were my actions and I am you know regretful about them and I'm going to do my best in the future to not do them again.

Man I was a, I didn't know but like I was a bit of a bully in primary school. I can imagine that, I can imagine you didn't have empathy for your fellow student. I did but I just like I was I was good at football and like that's all that matters to make you popular in primary school

like the best at football is like and like I think just yeah I was, I wasn't devoid of empathy but I had like a nine year old's level of empathy which isn't enough, didn't realise the things that you were saying hurt other people you think it's just banter, on the other side of things it's them being bullied and in retrospect it absolutely was bullying um and i don't fucking have you ever been victim of bullying

yeah both of that yeah yeah absolutely and do you resent those guys um what type of bullying happened to you well in primary school just like a bit like i occasionally got like pushed up against a wall and fucking roughed up but i think the reason that guy was bullying me then was because i'd said something like in class that made everyone laugh at him then after the school he just reminded me that he was thoroughly bigger than i was and just put the fear of god into me for a bit so i think that was like two levels of like bullying you got put in a place really yeah and then i remember like we both got taken in

to the teacher and told off and we were both accusing each other of bullying and we're like, oh, right, I see what's happening. We're just having a fight. Aye, aye.

It's what's happening. And then... I had one where a girl emptied it in a hairspray in my face. I couldn't breathe. Oh. And I was like

coughing and crying and that. Aye. I haven't held that against her. That's pretty funny. I don't breathe and I was like coughing and crying and that I haven't held that against her that's pretty funny I don't it's not funny it wasn't funny

when she got out of her lighter I won't say I do have a little bit of fucking resentment there's a kid from my

high school Jeff I won't say his second name but if you were to tell me right now now you're getting older if there was a kid in your high school

called Jeff. That's the same age that like. Jeff's in school now. If you were to tell me right now that he died yesterday we'd have to cut the camera because there would be a big fucking grin on my face. Really? Oh yeah man. And I know that's really immature and stuff but you could literally

explain to me that since high school he's grown up, he's got married, he's got three children, he understands that bullying is wrong. I still hope he dies. Like he was just, because his bullying was just like,

it wasn't consistent, but it was just, it was the fucking pathetic non-confrontational bullying. So you'd be sitting in class and then would like throw something at the back of your head and then pretend it wasn't him. Like you're walking down the corridors, clips your fucking heels, then runs away. Like none of it was like in your...

It was constant mischief that you couldn't get done for. But it was just like death by a million cuts. Yeah, but it was... You wanted to die for being mischievous. No, no, it was belittling shit. Like it was just, it was fucking constant fucking chipping away. It's like he just decided to not like me for whatever reason and it was never like

I'm gonna kick your fucking head in like I'm gonna say these horrible things to your fucking faces but it's just at random points during the day

I'm gonna make you you feel like shit but then again in fucking retrospect like we were teenagers like I was probably a piece of shit to several other

fucking kids like it's you know I think there are some people out there that were maybe just the bullies but I'm not gonna fucking stand here and lie and tell you that i was i was always bullies and i was never a piece of shit i didn't feel like i was picked out like

i didn't feel like i was um victimized as such but i was definitely like sometimes the focus would get turned on me and i'd have to just take it like there was one time when the um they got me school bag and like i was quite short as a kid right but these bigger kids like claimed up the goal posts and they tied

you know the strap they untied the thing from the tether and then tethered it back in so it was like

solid attached from the crossbar and then slid it across so it was over the massive puddle great so I had to

jump in the massive puddle to try and get it to come to the bar to get it dune and then like I'm fucking jumping up and

dune in a puddle trying to try and get it to come to the bar to get it dude and then like I'm fucking jumping up and dude in a puddle trying to get my bag back that's so cruel but so good and now you just that's how I'm like I can't look back on that and like

look at that like an origin story like I've got to prove those guys wrong and become a comedian I just look back at that and go nah I could have

been anybody aye and then there was another one where I've talked about this in my how to be happy show aye but it's a true story

so I'll just go over it it was the one where it was my first day at school and I had my bag on both shoulders full of like

all my fucking new stationery and all that got my new uniform on for the first time I've never been to this school before and I'm walking around

the back of the sports hall. And these lads just grabbed us. They looked like adults. They were just blokes. I was just this little kid, right? And they grabbed us by an arm and a leg each. And gave us what I called a shruggy boat. Like your dad and your uncle would give you a shruggy boat.

Just an arm and a leg each. Swing you. Swing you back and forward. Why do you call it a shruggy boat? I don't know. Just a shruggy boat. Does shruggy have anygy boat? I don't know, just a shuggy boat Does shuggy have any other meaning? Are you getting shugged? I don't know I didn't make it to try and

work out why joddies do what they do It may just be my family It may be one of them within my street as a kid But sometimes I criticise you I'm like where the fuck does that come from? And then there's actually a very good explanation of like etymology and what not

so that was that so I threw us into the water and it was like I landed like backpack first on my arse just fucking drenched

in my new uniform right I was just lying in this puddle cold and wet and fucking having a shit first day at school and then they went to grab my mate

it's called Elliot not that one he would have been three they went and grabbed my mate and just as they grabbed him he just went, don't I'll throw myself in and he wrestled three of them and just launched

his cell in next to us go out on your own terms that's not how I saw it. I thought he'd missed out on the best bit. Like, here's the hypocrisy of it, right? I,

like, if there was anyone from either my primary school or high school that would like to come up to me and be like, hey, man, we went to primary school and high school together. And you, when you were a kid, you used to make me feel like shit.

I would wholeheartedly like be like, man, I sorry like i've obviously changed it then but the fact that i've changed doesn't take away the fact that when i was younger i applied very very real hurt on you which you've carried through your life i am fundamentally wholeheartedly sorry for that and then the other side of the thing if any of my police came up to me and apologized to me i'd be like i fucking hope you die still you've not given me any closure like this spite that I have for you has taken me through a lot of my life

like it's really fucking helped me I would really hope everyone I was shit to forgive me and I would forgive absolutely no one that wronged me

even though I got you where you are even though it's important have you seen that Nick Helm routine where he just he just pulls out a note and he's like

dear bully and it's basically like talking about the soul searching he had to do because of the bullying and how the bullying like had made him become basically what you've just said made us become the person that i am today and all that and i forgive you for everything because i couldn't have gotten to where i am without you and all that stuff and he just pulls it back up i received that this morning. Correct. Yeah, like, if a bully came up and just, like, someone I bullied at school, I picked on in school,

come up and, like, had that, like, I would party and just went, like, I'm so sorry, like, I think about it all the time. I regret what I've done and all that. I'd be like, man, I'm kind of glad you ruminated on that because I probably made you a better person. You probably come out of it at the other end because you regret it.

No. Like, if that manifested as, like, fuck the the cunt you're just going to carry on growing up into a shit adult but if you turn the corner and you've grown and you you regret the actions of the person you previously were then that's good no but i think there's better ways to do it like i i like to his face i could be like i forgive you and then i find out what school that his kids go to make sure my kids go to the same school and then get my kids to bully their kids

and then just keep the cycle going keep the generation going aye that's very like Scotland England of you yeah yeah because England

has famously done nothing wrong to Scotland in the past 10 years England have bullied Scotland yeah I've seen it recently as well aye aye it's ongoing yeah there's this thing of like oh the English Scotland in the past 10 years. England have bullied Scotland. Yeah, I've seen it recently as well. It's ongoing.

There's this thing of like, oh, the English stopped being shit to the Scottish loads of years ago. It's a thing of the fucking past. It absolutely fucking isn't. It's true. It's still going on every single day. We've never voted for the government that for some reason

every one of you cunts loves so much. Can I ask you a question? And I know it's going to take us over old ground and we're going to repeat some conversations off the back of it. Aye. But this is a question. Currently, is England still the country you hate the most? Ooh.

Or have they recently been overtaken by somebody that was already a fairly close second? Aye, aye. Well, I mean, fucking... I don't want to be too unprofessional here because obviously I love all of our audience members, anyone that comes to our shows. Aye, one little disclaimer here and this isn't just pandering, the audience were class in Spain. Aye. They were the redeeming feature of our Spain trip. But we are never going back. You've decided that...

That's Spain done for me, on all fronts. You've decided that you're never, ever going to Spain again. Because at first you were like, we're never gigging here again on tour. And then, at the end of it all, you were like, I'm not even coming back here on holiday. You're even including Ibiza. Scratching Ibiza off the list, which is fucking bonkers in my eyes. That's a different like including Ibiza. Yeah. Squatching Ibiza off the list which is fucking bonkers in my eyes. Nah.

Well no. Nah. That's a different gravy Ibiza. Nah. That was my last ever trip to Spain until every single person

there thoroughly changes their attitude. Aye. And I just don't think that's going to happen. It's a rude country. Aye. It's really rude.

It's like Paris but everywhere. Aye. Like it's just. It's like Paris but everywhere. Aye. Like it's just that, yeah, and it might again, we've discussed this before, I understand it. British tourists are the absolute worst in the fucking world. But you can watch them being rude to each other. You can't understand what they're saying. Aye.

But their tone is definitely like stanky tone when they're talking to each other. I've never seen a positive smiley friendly conversation between two Spaniards and it's just it's not worth

like so we were going through the airport obviously because of Brexit we now have to go into the other queue and again

like the glee of which the Spanish send you to the other queue and again I get it I fucking that's one thing I hand to them

I'm like you get to have that yeah like again, I get it. That's one thing I hand to them. I'm like, you get to have that. Yeah, like obviously, man, I get it. You hate fucking British people because we voted fucking Brexit.

Motherfucker, I'm Scottish. Like, I'm not part of that fucking gang. Like, I'm suffering the consequences of their shit. I promise you,

I hate the people you hate infinitely more than you fucking do. But with all the glory, they're like, go in the other fucking queue and you're like, yeah, okay, I get all the glory they're like go in the other fucking queue and you're like yeah okay i get it like there's um a lot i'm part of the british unfortunately that's the thing that's the fucking blanket that you're throwing over the top of me

and there's some real mental gymnastics to if people that are claiming that it isn't because of brexit that that queue so long it's because of like they're disorganized at their end or whatever right but you're like i just watched my adrian my adrian my agent who has an austrian passport you can see how i made that mix up uh my agent who has an austrian passport just goes through on the other queue and yeah that queue would be bigger if the british people went in but that queue is also electronic scan passports yes self-serve. Self-serve, not just some fucking government official giving you the stink eye asking you 20 questions about why you're coming into this country.

Right. And you're joining the queue with, like, some people have gotten to, like, whatever, Tenerife and they've just ghosted through the queue and they're like, well, it's fine. I've noticed it's fine. Yeah, you notice it's fine because you didn't land at the same time as a long-haul flight

from somewhere out on the continent. Right. And had to join the back of the queue with those guys who are getting all the papers checked you got lucky it's a roll of the dice now and yeah you got through that one time but keep playing and you're gonna get stuck in the queue five times out of ten all right look i've had i've had that was our third time performing in spain and uh not the audience's fault but none of the three times that we've been in Spain have any of the gigs been run well or efficiently or to any level of quality or standards

that I expect at this level in my fucking career, and I'm not going back for those reasons. And the reason I'm not going back on holiday is because I'm just sick of being treated like a British person when I'm there. You don't want to off people in the service industry no and you can't go anywhere without needing service and you always want to appreciate service

because you're paying for the service it's a trade like your money that you spent your time on for their time that they want money for that's the trade but you still want to have like a polite interaction

but that's it takes two people to complete that pass like I'll I've been polite to service staff in Spain and Then being treated rude back. Yeah, and I don't want I don't want that. I don't want that transaction I don't want to I don't want to Do you want it? Do you want a game of being rude because I will fucking make you sob a motherfucker

Like you have no idea the level of vitriol I can fucking pour in your direction. But I'm not taking my day out on you. It feels much worse for the customer to be rude. Aye. It is much worse for the customer to be rude. Especially as a fucking British person. I can't be rude to you because I'm just fulfilling the fucking stereotype

that you're believing in that's making you treat me this way. So I've got to just try and, with my kindness, be like, okay, I understand it. You know, maybe you want to take 45 minutes to bring a menu over to a table in an empty restaurant, you lazy piece of shit. It's true.

It takes a lot of energy to kill Spaniards with kindness when all you want to do is use weapons. Like it's, it's up there with the Australian levels of service, but I would actually say Spanish service is worse than the... Yeah, the Australian service is just, like, they're not in a hurry. They're still nice and polite often. Often. Often is doing a lot of heavy lifting in that statement.

Also, by the way, I will say this now. I owe an apology to the people of Melbourne. Oh, yes. When I was over in April or May, whenever I was, I would go around Australia and my opening joke was about how when I was in Melbourne,

they were all complaining that they'd had a two-month lockdown and they were complaining to me, a British person, that had gone through nine months of lockdowns. And it was this whole bit about how people in Melbourne they like being the victims, they're perpetually victims

and they were like we've had the hardest of it in Australia therefore we've had it the hardest in the world and I was making fun of them for that and now Melbourne has become the most lockdown city in the entire world. Are they in their fifth lockdown now? Yeah.

So they've been given their privileges and their life back, like, four times? Yep, and then taken away. Taken away. And again, it's none of their fault. It's an incompetent fucking government. But it just means your routine mocking them has aged terribly. Terribly.

So bad. So I just want to tell anyone in Melbourne that did see that show that was just being like, fucking, that's lost better. Hey, you were right. Congratulations. I've lost any right to complain about the lockdown. As I went through, you are the kings and queens of lockdown.

You've suffered more than me. Enjoy your cross. A rare, rare apology from Daniel Cross. Sincerely, man, it looks fucking brutal out there. And you have my deepest, deepest sympathies for another fucking lockdown. I can't imagine what you're going through.

It must be horrendous. I'm very sorry. Why do you still look smug? Why do you look like the Spanish airport staff that sent us into the Brexit queue? Well, because there's some people in Melbourne I hate.

But like, to most, to 99% of Melbourne. Why is your sorry crumbling right in front of my eyes? No, it's still there. It was such a big sincere apology and I looked at you and you had a shit-eating grin. I'm like, I'm like, they can watch this on YouTube.

No, no, the apology is sincere. But I would be lying if, look, I would be lying if I said there weren't like four people in Melbourne that I know are suffering. I'm going, good. Hopefully that'll give you the perspective that my lockdowns gave me

and you'll come out of the other side less of a cunt. Fingers crossed. We're now in Antwerp. We played in Ghent last night. What a fucking mint country Belgium is. I think it's probably the most underrated country. Yeah?

I just think everybody's nice, everything works, it's clean. Yeah, and every city is... It's beautiful, the architecture's class. The coffee culture and all that. I just had a little wander around outside, like board game cafes and stuff. And it's just like, I just think it's one of them countries that English people need to go to just to get a sense of perspective that England isn't all that good.

Cause you know, like my mom, my mom and dad will say like, Oh, you're always down on England. England's fucking great. Right. Like to give you their perspective, they've been to Greece and Spain.

Right. Okay. that's the holders of course they're thinking of course you know get yourself to Belgium even get out to Australia and parts of America and just have a little look just have a little immerse yourself and get out to Sweden have a look around some countries

Germany just have a look around some countries and just see them doing it properly and getting it right aye I do think Belgium is fucking great just the people are very very

I don't think I've ever met a Belgian that was bad at their job so far I've never felt I've never felt in the presence of incompetency whereas that is

everywhere in Spain I don't think I've ever encountered a Spanish person where I was like you did your job to 100% the best of your ability there apart from the um the girl who was sat with her and our fella and our friends and she took over the waitress's job who was doing a bad job and done a waitress's job for her oh yeah so our fans are yeah we bumped it I was so angry after the gig again not because of the audience the audience were they were they were great just every single other part of the gig yeah those technical difficulties the technical difficulties the mics kept cutting out the sound check didn't finish until um the show was meant to start yeah the show was starting ridiculously late because

apparently in certain countries it's custom to have a show at like 9.45 10 o'clock at night couldn't give a couldn't give a fuck about the customs aye it's just

aye I know put it this way the comedy scene in the UK is bigger than the comedy scene in Spain so we'll tell you

how comedy fucking works aye the reason it's more like the reason people are more coming to shows is because you didn't put it on like so it finishes the next day

aye but we met some fans afterwards who made us feel a lot better they were class that was really nice to just like I don't know

just be around people that you could actually normal Spanish people people that you could connect with aye and have deeper conversations with

without just looking at someone that wants to spit on you aye somebody that just I think because maybe in their heads they were just like okay these are the have deeper conversations with without just looking at someone that wants to spit on you. I think because maybe in their heads they were just like, okay, these are the British people that we do like. And we just got the VIP treatment.

I just wish fucking British tourists were less cunty. But it's just this vicious cycle that's never going to end. For Brits to stop being fucking rude. And we did start it. I guarantee we did start it. But for Brits to stop being fucking rude. And we did start it. I guarantee we did start it. But for Brits to stop being rude, the Spanish would have to stop being rude.

And it's never going to fucking happen. Nah, there's never going to be like a Good Friday agreement between the British tourists and the Spanish service staff. It's two very, very stubborn people just locking horns and neither of them willing to fucking back off. So until that gets resolved, which is never, I'll just go to other countries. stubborn people just locking horns and neither willing to fucking back off so we're just so until that gets resolved which is never i'll i'll i'll just go to other countries and we're trying to be nice in the middle of this holy war and it's just like throwing buckets of water off the

titanic it's futile we'll make as we'll just just be rude back yeah it's like being fucking uh that it's like we're stepping out of rank aye aye, aye. We're breaking the lines. Just, we are fucking Khloe Kardashian with a bottle, with a can of Coke. Just going up to the police being like, I'm making a difference. No, you're not. Gah! Dead.

I caught you the other day. Fuck, what's this going to be? We were travelling together. I was reading my book and you were googling oh no puppy raincoats

I just wanted a raincoat like puppy prints on it and there's a raincoat for my puppy aye because wolves can't get wet can they that's a famous historical thing

that like the reason... Wolves seek shelter. Aye. In bad conditions, yeah. Yeah, yeah. They build dens. Mm-hmm.

I think dens. Is that what foxes...? No, I think wolves, like, find caves or, you know, big, massive rocks to hide. They find shelter, don't they? Maybe they do. We're just struggling to... We're persevering.

We're not going to give up and're persevering we're not going to give up we're not going to get the puppy pads just yet but it might be the next step but before we get

because Peggy will pee outside all the time when it's dry but she's a little princess and she'll not she'll get out when it's raining

she'll just not do her business she'll wait at the door to get let back in and then we have to play floor is lava anyway we'll kind of get out of

the pavement when it's raining and I thought I might get a little rain jacket might just keep just protect it from the elements

a little bit so that she has a bit more confidence to why don't you just go to Build-A-Bear get a rain jacket

from there the same fucking size a can of D.O. Fett I keep thinking Peggy's like because I think Peggy's bigger than you've made out rain jacket from there the same fucking size a caran d'oeil fit I keep thinking Peggy's like because I think Peggy's bigger than you've made out I just think she's got a big aura she's got big dick energy

that's why you can't have piggy No she's a fucking tiny dog We've bought a big gazebo We don't have children Aye Aye No But if my kids wouldn't piss outside,

I'd buy them the same gazebo, I'll tell you that right now. Aye, fucking... Piss where you want, I'm not getting you a gazebo, you little cunt. Ah, little furry dog, let's get you a...

So you have to... Why... Does she not like being rained on when she's peeing? Or is it like she won't pee on wet grass? I think it's the wet groan thing. Yeah? I think it's more the wet groan

because she's going out she's going out and you bother her in the rain so it's not like she's pissing and then she can feel rain going on her back and she's like

how am I miss aiming this this is disgusting it's more I don't like my I can't it would be I guess how can I wet it

when it's already wet yeah and I also guess like Natalie probably wouldn't if you if the toilet seat was soaking wet natalie wouldn't sit down and take a piss she'd be like that has to be dry

because that feels yeah i think it's a bit like that it must be but as well i don't know how much of it is like you know how they sniff around the smell for a spot and then they have a gun i wouldn't have to just like wash away all the smells oh she's like oh this isn't my toilet because i can. I've clearly not pissed here before. I had that if I had a gas with a little head. Well, but then afterwards, when it's dry, she'll still piss there. So I think that theory's debunked,

because she still goes out and pees when it's dry, even though the smell wouldn't be there. Yeah, after it's dried up. Yes, you're right. So I think that's a bad theory. Also, like, when it's windy, there's too many distractions. She'll be sniffing around for a spot and then like

an oolief and then run after it she'll just smell something else she'll smell around and then she'll get like a bit of bark because we've got like you know bark down

on like a part of the garden she'll get a bark chip and go oh that's nice and just start chewing it and you're like on the laminate floor inside there's no distractions it's easier

so like on a still male day it's easy you just persevere with it she'll eventually pick on a still mild day it's easy you just persevere with it she'll eventually pick up outside good inside bad

if you don't buckle if you just keep getting treats outside it's just getting like moved so that

we can clear it up inside anyway fucking have we discussed the fact that our fucking

American visas were finally approved oh I'm not sure I don't think so because that happened since the last episode. Yeah. So congratulations, America.

Well, congratulations, us, really. But it was getting real close to the fucking wire. Didn't know if we were going to be able to... Tickets are sold, venues are booked. Yeah. It was all getting fucking close. And, I mean, we've still got to have an interview in LAX, but I've been told it's a bit more of a formality than anything else.

But still, I mean, let's keep all of our fingers in. If they decide to have to check my archived criminal record, that is going to postpone my visa for a couple of days and I might end up like Tom Hanks in Terminal. Well, that's fine because I've, you know, I mean, not for you. Not Tom Hanks in Philadelphia where he's Terminal. Right. Very different movies.

You know, Tom Hanks has never played a bad guy in a movie. Not even like if you dissect it and go, actually, he was the bad guy in that situation. Well, like Road to Perdition, which I haven't seen in years and years, I can't remember it, but like apparently he's in the mafia then. So it's kind of like he's...

That's objectively bad. I bet he's done movies like rom-coms that haven't stood the test of time and he's now gaslighting that. I bet he's got some sus roles that haven't aged well. Woody in Toy Story 1 is a cunt. Oh, really? Yeah. Because he's just dead jealous of the fucking new guy.

He tries to get Buzz fucking killed or lost several times because he's jealous of this new thing. Like he's not. It's only in the, like maybe the third act and then every movie from then on where Woody's a decent bloke. But that's the closest to country Tom Hanks has ever come in a movie it's like do you know

in that in that movie the bad guy in Toy Story 1 this isn't my original thought this is something I've seen

the bad guy isn't the bad guy now the kid that like takes the heads off the toys and puts them on like spider's legs

of Meccano and all that that's a fucking artist that like that's a creative type he doesn't have the dogs he doesn't have the dogs

the dogs he doesn't know that the toys are alive yeah it would be insane if he did uh huh well to be fair he is trying one to

like he does he does one of them to a fucking firework to blow them up like it's a destructive tendency oh yeah that's maybe he's a little bit psychopathic but he's like

and he's got a dog that's very poorly trained outside in a fucking shed like I think I think that's people trying to have a fucking hot take on select fucking scenes. Yeah. Like, he's still destroying things. He's stealing his younger sister's toys and outwardly being a piece of shit.

He's nothing more than naughty. But he's also, he's a kid. He's nothing more than naughty. Like, he's, and he's also, he's in Toy Story 2. He's the, like, he's a weird fucking's also in Toy Story 2. He's the... Like, it's a weird fucking little cameo, but he's just a bin man in it. I didn't know that.

Aye, so there's a bin bag... There's a bin man wearing, like, headphones listening to music, getting rid of all the trash. Aye, he likes his music. He's a hard worker. And he's wearing the same skull top that Sid does in the first one.

So they're like, oh, that's... Just really tight on him and all that. Aye. Maybe it's just his favourite fucking band anyway America it is on like Donkey Kong

let's do that in a second while I'm talking about things I found on the internet I wanted to tell you this because I sent it to Cara you're stripy and your cat can see that you've got stripes

I discovered this on the internet so might not be true but human skin is like got patterns on it but it's not visible to the naked eye i don't know if it's like infrared or violet or whatever but like under certain light your body will be like and some people have got like conditions where the patches show so when you see people like um look like almost like disfigurements on their skin that's because they've got a condition that shows the

stripes Ray can see those vibrations of light frequencies of light so your

cat sees you as a stripy human I don't know if I believe that do you think that's one of

them true lies I think it's like one of those the second you said fucking frequency it sounds like one of those... The second you said fucking frequency, it sounds like one of those... Well, frequency of light is just a general...

You can see within the range of red, blue, orange, green, indigo, violet, whatever. Aye. Not violet. But you can see within that range, but you know that that spectrum... Eye's much bigger, aye. There's frequencies that the naked eye can't see.

So that's not hocus pocus. But it is one of the things that you would say to make it sound plausible i but basically but that's for you with an understanding of frequency there's a bunch of people out there like the reason fucking conspiracy theorists they'll just take two things they don't understand and because they have the same numerical value or something they'll put them together and go they must be related they're like oh human beings vibrate at this frequency and this is the same frequency that 5g goes out there therefore Therefore, 5G is trying to kill us. And you go, motherfucker,

you don't know either of those sciences. The only thing you've recognised is a number between two things. And this isn't Jim Carrey in the movie Number 23. Stop being a fucking moron. So you don't believe that, you're straight B? No, not that I don't necessarily believe it, but you've not given me a

convincing enough argument there and also ray is 15 and blind well i believe she's not necessarily blind but she's a fucking weird she can see when you've got food that might be a nose no she's called block nose and she keeps fucking she keeps um cara is um ray has a new hobby, which is, she's always been an indoor cat until, like, we got her. Like, even when she was at my mum and dad's house, she would occasionally go into the back garden, but she didn't really like it that much. She ventures outside. Yeah. She doesn't, like, she doesn't go around the doors and come back three days later. No, but now, because we've got a big garden that goes down all those levels and it's all essentially hers and there's nothing dangerous there.

So she's got this fucking thing with running water. We don't know what it is, but we notice that every time our living wall comes on and it's with the... Yeah, the automatic plant water. Yeah, the irrigation going fucking through it. The second I'd run water, she loves it. She would literally get down there in the empty pot,

start drinking the water out of there. Because I think, like, running water is fresh water to them, like, that's an old... Oh, yeah, yeah, they recognise that

as that hasn't been contaminated yet, it's just come out the sky. But what she doesn't know is it's just going through all this fucking mud, so we've had to, like, cover those things

so she doesn't need them anymore. And then down at the back we've got that pond that's not really a fucking pond that we emptied, but now it's rained so much. Oh, that had the fish in but now it's raining so much i've never seen anyone buy a house complete with pets i they're like you want to keep these fish we're like yeah sure um and she used to hang down there a lot and just sort of like look at the water there now she's discovered the the stream so

you're worried she may get carried off? Oh, so kind of starts following her down there because Gara loves animals more than anything in the world. So she wants to know where Ray's going. Because Ray would come back, she'd come back with a wet tail and we're like, that's not great. Like, don't know what that is. Like, and you're a bit, she's a big fucking

Gara getting her tail wet? She's an old cat. We're like, and she's, because she's she's an old cat where like and she's because she was never truly a kitten she never got to do

kitteny things we notice now that like she's reliving her youth well yeah because like if you play if you try to play

with old cats that are 15 that were kittens when they were and had lives as kittens they won't play as 15 year olds

because they're like fuck off I'm old whereas Ray didn't have that so if you play with her like a kitten part of her brain just goes't have that so if you play with her like a kitten part of her brain just goes oh this is fucking great

and she loses her mind she also loves going outside at night and she'll go down to the fucking bridge which is a very old wooden rickety bridge which we don't go on

because it's not fucking safe and it's going over oh that's the one where you're in like loggerheads with the council yeah the council are like you can't replace that

and I'm like well it's at the bottom of my garden and nobody else is going to fucking check And I'm doing you a favour by replacing it But they're tied up in bureaucracy That like no we have to do it

Because then it has to be deemed safe It's got to be pat tested But also we're not going to do it because nobody walks that way anymore So therefore there's no point in doing it I'm going to do it Edinburgh Council and there's fuck all you will do about it And yes challenge thrown down I can't wait to see the bridge you make

I'm not going to make it I thought you were going to say challenge accepted No I'm going to pay somebody to build a bridge in my garden I'm not fucking doing it no what is this 50 years ago That was the most Tory sense you've ever said in your life.

What? I'm going to pay someone to build a bridge in my garden. Aye. I'm not going to do it myself. I'm not going to have that fucking working class attitude of I can do anything I set my mind to. No I can't. I'm going to pay somebody whose attitude is that to do that themselves. Yes of course. So she goes down to the

bridge every night at like fucking two in the morning had that as well to miss that fucking I'm gonna buy a gazebo for me dogs just getting fucking high and late

are you building a bridge in your garden no the bridge is already there no but I'm saying I called you a Tory for the sentence oh right I was like I'm getting a gazebo

because me dog won't be in the rain aye aye you were checking yourself before they wrecked yourself yes I get it that's fair

and Cara's like I don't like it I think she's gonna fall in the water one day I get it. That's fair. And Cara's like, I don't like it. I think she's going to fall in the water one day. And I'm like, that's fair enough. But it's not a river. She'll get out.

Well, to be fair, when it rains, it does turn into a fucking... She probably won't be there. No. Well, I mean, she doesn't have any concept of... Like, she'll come in soaking wet

and just be like, why do my ankles and knees hurt and you're like because you weigh six stone heavier now nobody nobody likes a wet pussy so to say that's not to say right um nobody likes a wet pussy i don't think they do nobody likes a wet pussy dragging itself across the kitchen that i don't think people say that but it's true true imagine the squeaking yeah it's just it'll be dry

after like half a foot just leaving a slug trail like oh okay he's just running he's got salt over him so yeah cat comes in something wet I think that was it

I just think and to round this story right off, we're going to America. Oh, yeah. All right. Well, and, oh, yeah. So to any American fans out there, it's one of those weird things

because there's, in an ideal world, in a world that wasn't riddled with COVID, we would have been able to put this show, this tour on, a way further down the line, they would have been able to be on sale for longer like this is quite a last minute it's it's very it's very very much a shotgun tour yeah it's been it's been in the pipeline for a while but the pipeline has been blocked yeah it was literally just this minute getting the visas unblocked the pipeline and it's all gone ahead and we leave sunday for it so back from europe on friday got

time just to wash and dry my laundry probably pack some of it still with wet cuffs people are still uh people some people are still nervous uh about covid and don't want to come out don't want to risk it there are rules in place in america where people that come to the show have to prove that they are vaccinated and for a lot of people in America because it's the anti-vax capital of the fucking world they just not want to do that so those ones won't come. Everyone's got financial

troubles like fucking we all do. We were all unemployed for fucking ages so if you are in the States for the love of God buy tickets to the show and please tell all of your fucking friends. We're grateful to anyone that comes out yeah but let's get the entertainment kick started let's not come in

with a flop aye aye let's not flop back into America after let's go back we've missed you we're very excited to be coming back

and we'll hang out with everybody it's one of them two as well we'll go out to the arcades after well because yeah let you know where we're going it's my

it's my good it's my tap out for a bit because once we come back from new orleans uh i am and i'll say it on the podcast so that i can be held accountable for this as well and leaving cara she's done it's done once i've got that fucking bank leaving her where she stands she can have a third of it i don't give a fuck as long as she doesn't make us come and pick up the baby on every other weekend once I get back from New Orleans

I'm going because I said to Karen the second she got pregnant because it's such an unfair thing I was like at any point you're allowed to call solidarity and say

you know stop drinking stop drinking because you know it just feels unfair but for me personally I want to be sober for at least

the last three months of her pregnancy because I think the worst way to start of being a father is for her to go into labour early on and be like

we need to go to the hospital and I'm like can we get a taxi I'm high that's that is not that's not how you want to start

no that's like let's start from I don't think I'm going to start from a brilliant place I don't think any father has ever nailed it from fucking day one.

I think that's impossible. Give yourself a fighting chance. Yeah. And also, yeah, I just want to do the sobriety for a bit and then probably until the kid's about a couple of months old. Until Cara basically starts drinking again, maybe we'll just go back in together. That'll be our first...

And then I'll kidnap you Take you on your stag do In Spain Oh I will Man Don't tell your best man You're never going back to Spain Well man I can tell you

I was going to take you to Vegas I can tell you Not anymore I can tell you fucking Straight up If you were to take me to Spain There is Unless you

Literally handcuffed me And even then I would I would chew somebody else's arm off. You would end up on an episode of Nick Cody and Luke Higgy's mid-flight brawl. Yeah, yeah, 100%. Man, you couldn't get me on the fucking plane. And if you did get me there, I would fly back at the earliest fucking convenience.

The second you were all in bed, the second I got to go to the toilet by myself, I would run, get in a fucking taxi straight to the airport home. I am never stepping foot In Spain again It's over So When I come back From the States I'm going sober

So this is like Not necessarily a big blow I don't want to get too shit faced Every single night Because we've all got the shows The next day And also A lot of travelling as well

So we'll be like Take that in mind Because this This last trip Because of The Spain Problems We got cunted after the gig Aye The gig started late So we'll be like, tell that to me. Because this last trip, because of the Spain problems, we got cunted after the gig. Aye.

The gig started late. We polished off a bottle of whiskey, went and drank a bunch of free poured gin with some of the fans. Smoked a bunch of cigarettes in rage. Aye. And then went to bed at like 2.30 and woke up with a whiskey hangover

at 5.45 to get the flight to be here in Antwerp. And that was the night before last. And even the night before that, we drank in London and then had the flight for Spain. And it's been fucking intense. Like what we did there, we'll kind of do that for the full tour. So we'll need to check when the early flight. We're getting old now.

I am anyway. My. You stop the agent. What's your secret? Oh, man, I've got to say this. you stop the agent what's your secret oh man I gotta say this so the other day

I was doing a fucking Q&A on Insta just while you were on stage Guildford and I'm just posting all the fucking videos

and somebody said drop the skin care routine so I did this fucking reply where I was like first of all man I have really good fucking skin like it's something that

Cara constantly said she's so angry we're coming from Cara saying you've got good fucking skin like it's something that Cara constantly says she's so angry we're coming from Cara saying you've got good skin she's on I was going to say she's on first name terms for that dermatologist

but that's just known who they are yeah and his first name is doctor somebody was like drop this so I thought they were like drop it as in like

get rid of it your skin care routine is not good and I'm like fuck you I know I've got decent skin and by the way I've got decent skin but I don't do anything I don't drink lots of water so when they say drop it are they like get rid of it your skincare routine's not good and i'm like you i know i've got decent skin and by the way i've got these things again but i don't do anything i don't drink a lot of water another like reveal it uh apparently so you probably kind of connected me so did this fucking round being like look i know i'm not the fucking healthiest kind of the world

and i don't drink the most water and i don't use moisturizer because i'm not a fucking loser but like this is good and i don't see any sc see but for what I do, my skin is actually very good. And then Cara was like, they were actually saying that you have good skincare. Yeah, stop having such good skin and drop the skincare routine or drop it like a rap album. So to whoever said that,

I ran into that. Sorry. Whoopsie daisy. My bad. So you didn't do anything for fair skin? Just smoke? Just smoke, drugs, drink lots. Man, you know what? And this is

my fucking conspiracy theorist. I say this in theory and I say this to Cara all the time. The reason I've got fair skin to you is because I haven't been rubbing shit into my skin since I was 12 years old. Like, I've never moisturised. I've never done anything. Like, I just let my face do what it fucking does.

I don't wash my face. No? Because it's dirty. Yeah, I don't wash my face. I never use soap on my face. Nah, never. Nah. Oh, me back?

Me back's never had a wash in its life. What was your back skin like? What? What's the skin on your back? Do you want to have a look? Aye. What are you writing? Oh, want to have a look? Aye. What do you reckon? Oh, I mean, it's...

Aye. I mean, you've got a bunch of freckles, but... Aye. That wolf turning black, a bit crispy. You can't scrub those off. Aye, I got it right. I'll wash my armpits, wash my bollocks in my asshole, wash my feet.

Maybe, like, do my neck or whatever, my arsehole wash my feet maybe like do my neck or whatever and my front not wash your face I've never done it I've never washed my face if your fucking

legs are there I get washed now and again very easy to do if I'm very tired do you wash your legs or do you just trust the gravity

to do its work I tend to if I've played a game of football or something like that but if it's just day to day

if it's day to day-day jumping in the shower, or stepping in carefully, however you choose to enter the shower, it's just a quick bit of the usual. Aye. I just feel like, you know, the amount of people that just... Well, to be fair, I guess it's also just random luck. Some people have good skin and some people fucking don't.

So the people that have bad skin have to put this stuff onto their face to make it better and then I guess the skin never really learns to do it itself. I don't know. I'm not a fucking dermatologist. The point is, I'm naturally beautiful. Is that how you want to end the podcast? Yes it is. No, I want to end it on dad jokes.

Go to danielsloss.com to see all of our tour dates. America, we're very, very, very excited to be coming back. If there's anyone in this going on today? Yes, it's Monday. The show in Antwerp tonight, I think the last few tickets have just been released

and the same for Brussels tomorrow. So should there be anyone? I mean, imagine if you listen to this podcast and you live in either of those places, you're already coming to the show. I think Estonia's both sold out and then the rest is America, so please do

tell your friends about it, buy lots of tickets. Well, not lots of tickets, make sure there's people in the fucking seats. Oh, so my book. My book is coming out on the 12th of October. Buy that, you motherfuckers. That's going to be the prize for the draw for the patrons. Anyone on tier two gets in the draw once.

Anyone on tier three gets in it twice. We drew out Kyle Chapman last time and they won a t-shirt, a same t-shirt. That's already on the way to Kyle. And this time we're going to do your same book and my same book are going to be the prize. So if you're on a tier two i have to buy a copy of my own book i'm just gonna probably nick one from your house you know the first ever episode

that first edition one that's going to be really valuable now i'll not do that we're probably going to have to buy a copy of your book right okay um we'll just do it with the patreon money i will put it as an expense. Your dad staved his thumb by pushing the F key too hard when he commented on the trailer for Everyone's Talking About Jamie. What does that mean? Press F for respect? Nope. Oh, no, Kev.

That was so fun to watch you get that joke in real time. I went to watch that with Kev. Did you enjoy it? Yeah, I probably tell, fucking I always start every story with, I probably told this on the podcast, but look, just fucking join in if you know the words. I was watching everyone's talking about Jamie, my mum and my dad to my left, and my wife Natalie to the right,

and the first section ends with Jamie accepting that he's going to be in a drag, taking the lead by an address, right, and walking out on the stage for the first time as MeMeMe. And then as he walks out and does... As what? MeMeMe is his drag act name in the show. Got you.

MeMeMe. Very, very important context that you've just fucking rolled over there. Jamie comes back on stage in a big dress dressed as me, me, me, me. I've just had joggies on. Fucking... This is me drag act, can't you? Me drag act, can't you, Mumfries? but we dragged Act Kind on freeze.

Nice little, it was like nostalgic. But just now, walks out and in full drag, right? But you don't see Jamie, the actor, go out in full drag.

You see the curtains drop and the projection of him coming out in full drag filling the whole curtain and the stage. It's massive. It's massive it's big crescendo it's the end of the section right the curtains come down it's finished everyone just jumps up and starts clapping and standing ovations to the interval and i start whipping my um my jumper off because i'm hot i'm in a hoodie i'm packed in my seats but we get up it's an opportunity to take me already off

right but my t-shirt went with it and it turned inside out and my arms pulled out of the sleeves and i've got knee top on in the theater and i can't easily get it back on because my t-shirt is now locked in by the sleeves onto my jumper so i'm frantically trying to get it and there it just honestly looks like i've just went just be who you want to be and natalie looked over del Lisa's just clapping at the theatre and all that right and looks at me

and went what are you doing put your top back on I'm like I didn't mean to do it this isn't me expressing myself it'd be fine

if dad didn't even react that hardly they'd just say aye there he goes there's our son bleeding heart liberal as always aye Mr Mr Woke

your dad got mistaken for a wheel of cheese and a bloke from Gloucester rolled him down a hill your dad makes your mum put batteries up his arse if he wants him to shagger faster Your dad makes your mum put batteries up his arse If he wants him to shagger faster Your dad orders his cocktail shaken, not stirred But his cocktail is rum and coke So it just fizzes everywhere Your dad eats hot dogs like corn on the cobs

Your dad turned up to the wrong rally And started yelling meet us murder To a bunch of moving cars Your dad has a picture of wrong rally And started yelling Meet his maid Out to a bunch of moving cars Your dad has a picture Of Peggy up on his dartboard That would hate my feelings But it had a lot of habit I'd be like

Nah that's hilarious For a fucking hell of a Take a tune when I'm here let him have it I'd be like nah that's hilarious for a fucking hell of a fuck take a tune when I'm here don't invite me to play at the least that's the worst bit

and stop saying bullseye when I get her in the heart your dad thinks he's growing weeds but he's actually got an attic full of stinging nettles Your dad hates when Muslim players celebrate by praying after scoring

a goal as he thinks you should keep religion and politics out of football but will then unironically sing God Save the Queen with tears in his eyes and hatred in his heart You've hit a lot of people with that bad joke a lot of people good that's that's too many humans think like that far too many one would be too many that's what's me da in which case typical gif

your dad tells everyone he's a voice actor because he auditioned to be the voice of Bumbles in Knowledge is Power. What a reference. If you've not played Knowledge is Power on the PlayStation, it's a very, very good party game for lots of people. Of any age. Of any age. And you can play as Gareth Waugh. That's one of the characters.

I look like he. Oh. I can't mind. You going to get it up? Oh, man, it is. Like, Gareth, when we first played it for the first time, Gareth was devastated because he was like, that is just me.

Like, there's no one to know. Like, how did your merch logo get tucked down, but that didn't? That's such a true likeness. Which, by the way, I have now printed out a written permission slip for you to sign to send a spreadsheet so that we can get. Ah, yes, I remained him. It is absolutely Gareth.

If you want to know what we're talking about, Google knowledge is power hot dog, and it is. It's so unbelievably Gareth And if you're watching It on YouTube I think Brett Will bring it up For you on the camera

Shout out to Brett Oh I don't know Alright let's go Smoke weed And play board games Yes please